Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Pig Fires & The Best Potato Based Foods - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 16, 2022

Spit Hit for June 16, 2022: We are back with some news articles that made us think, ‘Is This Real Life?’. We talk about driving dogs, pig fires, and yogurt grand larceny. We also get a spider related question - just for Jason. Other topics include extra fingers, dogs that don’t poop, and hanging out with fictional characters. We close this out with a draft of our favorite potato based foods. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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Hey, Spitwads, we have a spectacular Spit Hits episode for you today. What are we talking about? Well, the normal things like extra fingers, dogs that don't poop, or hanging out with fictional characters. Do not miss today's episode. You're going to love it. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Scatamaranca, dinkadink, scatamaranca, doo-dop-a-ding-go! Loved it Welcome in The badingo

Is Andy's I know Parachute It is my It's my finisher It is your It's my final move It's my fatality move

It's your scat fatality It's my scat fatality it's my scat fatality and what's great is like i'm sitting there thinking and i'm going whatever you do don't end with badingo and it's impossible for you and badingo whenever you say that's like saying just you, stay calm. You can't stay calm. Don't say Badingo. Don't think about a pink elephant.

Don't think about a pink elephant. Thank you, Al. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast, episode 98. That scat pales in comparison to the one that Jason will deliver for episode 100, obviously. Oh, it's going to be the best of all time. Based on your history, Jay, I would start warming up now. Yeah. You've got two weeks.

We're in good shape. Would you rather on the show today? Is this real life? We've got a delicious draft for you. Always fun to have an is this real life segment. And Mike is here. Jason is here. We're ready to go.

Hello. This is going to be a fun time if you're on youtube with us jason is at a very special location related to our draft well i needed to do some research came out here to the uh potato farmers of america uh so i'm out on the potato fields today it's great physical distancing as there's no sunscreen on there's nobody here no I plan to roast today okay okay roasted which roasted potatoes I mean that might make the list okay well you can follow this show on Twitter at spitballers pod follow Mike at FF hitman Jason JasonFFL. I'm at Andy Holloway. The website is at, or I'm sorry, the website is SpitballersPod. It's not at SpitballersPod, but you can go to SpitballersPod.com,

Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. We appreciate everybody's support of this show. We've seen the reviews coming in, and they are wonderful and kind, and we appreciate it and are very happy to be a source of joy during a time in which people need it. So we're proud to do it, and let's get going. Would you rather? This would you rather question comes in from Israel, and he sent it. The person or the location? The country.

The actual country. Oh, bonjour. Yeah. Would you rather have a dog that does not poop or a dog that does not shed? Oh, man. I feel like one of those things is really common. Like, I have two dogs that don't shed right now it's pretty great so but you're saying if so would i rather trade there's a trade

would i rather trade shedding hair inside for no poop outside wow no pooper scoopers interesting for me it's it's still not close like a a shedding dog like the the hardest part of dog ownership to me and it's my love for dogs is well documented i don't remember what episode it was where essentially i said i would trade the last 20 years of my life to make my dog live forever but dog hair everywhere that's that's the hardest thing to deal with when you have a dog the poop is outside pretty pretty infrequent on when uh when the dog will drop one indoors so i can live with having to pick up poop or as i do right now i support my local economy and someone comes you pay for a poop man you're a poop guy i support my economy yes that's

the spin i was gonna out you and me both mike i turned you on to my person because i haven't picked up poop in a long time let me let me be clear you guys have the same poop man yes oh yeah poop people poop people there's oh there's more one. More than one show up. You have a whole army of poop people? Yeah. Look, we're kind of on this show. Dude, my dogs. How fast can they clear the yard? I have two dogs, and I swear to you, they poop five times each a day.

Two dogs, four butts? Yes. It's unbelievable. I mean the pooper scooper people they just came and I'm out in the backyard playing football like I'm playing in a field of landmines it's terrible so I mean maybe the poop but the truth is when you have someone like if I had someone that came and picked up all the dog hair you know well sure poop is worse than hair right if i step on some shedded hair i'm okay it's not good of course if you step on it but that's not the can you be allergic to poop the way you can hair oh everyone's allergic to poop

i'm just like legitimately i think is. That is what is expelled as not okay. Is everyone allergic to poison? Let's check in. All these darn allergies. I've never had a dog that both dogs that I've had did not shed.

We have friends that have a dog that sheds and it seems like the shedding dog consumes a disproportional amount of their life. Is this Josh? This is Josh. Okay, and he has a retriever, right? Yeah, and it just feels like every time we used to go over there, they'd vacuum and clean. It was like an hours and hours thing to do it, and then then you'd get there and the dog would just be shedding everywhere.

I know it clogs vacuums. It covers furniture. It can be a real nuisance. It's disgusting. And I think allergies are the main problem. Like my boys have allergies. You boys have allergies. You know, we would not get a dog that's not hypoallergenic.

And, you know, if you're hypoallergenic, you're not shedding. So to me, I'm going to take the poop. I'm going to take the poop in my life. Yep. And I'm going to have someone else get rid of it. You'll support your local economy. I love injecting money into my city. I give them a weekly stimulus.

You socially distance from that poop. you socially distance from that poop um allison on patreon says would you rather all spiders be twice as large or all spiders twice as fast come on i was so oh come on twice as large or twice as fast you get to think about both of those jason i don't this is so this is not some i blame al borland for they become half as half as fast if they get twice as large al no no i don't... This is not... I blame Al Borland for allowing this question. Do they become half as fast if they get twice as large, Al? No. No, I don't think so. I assume they're the same speed that they are.

They just keep their same speed? They actually... No. They might be a little bit faster, but... My legs are crawling right now, guys. For the sake of this question. It's because there's spiders on them, Jay. You guys are real jerks.

Oh, hey, can I make a PSA real quick can i just say that i just want to let everybody out there know um i don't i don't block people on twitter you know i don't mute people that often i probably have 100 muted people i i might not see your post ever again you post a spider to me i don't know who you are maybe we've had a conversation a hundred times before on twitter you post a spider i'm auto mute it's an auto mute you will never hear from me i will never see you again that is a fact so just listen burner accounts that's what i heard that's what i just heard burner account how long does it take to make a Twitter account? Hours. Hours and hours. It's a 30-page application. They're really not taking people into Twitter right now.

No, they're limiting their exposure in these times. Do we have to answer the question? Oh, man. What do I want? They're both terrifying. Absolute monstrosities. I don't see spiders that often. Yeah.

Usually when I see them, they are very docile. They're just kind of sitting there. You look and, oh, there it is on the wall. There's a spider just hanging out, living his spider life. Yeah. I don't worry about how fast the spider is. Of course you don't. No, no, no.

I am always thinking. Until you try to kill it. And then if you miss. Don't miss. Don't miss, man. Or if when you start, he gets a head start. And he's, I mean, holy crap. If I'm going after a spider and he moves. I agree with you, Mike.

It's like, I think I got to take the the twice as fast because usually they don't move usually they're just staying in one spot but when they move if they move like lightning across the floor i'm dead i am gone okay but that's if they move now if you look down and you saw a spider that was 2X, then you'd be dead right there. I'm already dead from this question. Allison from Patreon has killed me. I can't. Oh, my legs. Every time I've ever seen a spider, I've said to myself, I'm glad that it's not twice as big.

Yes. So I'm going that way. I don't want them to be twice as big because then they're more formidable. Even if they're fast, they're not as formidable. But you give me a double-sized tarantula saddle up boys we're riding it like those the fangs are now 2x as well yeah like no no thank you no What about this one, Jay? Spiders four times as large or they all have wings. Quick petition for the guys. In certain hard financial times, I think companies need to scale back.

I'd like to discuss Al Borland leaving due to this question's inclusion on this doc. Well, we have an obligation to our patrons, our supporters at SpitballersPod.com. Allison is a supporter and she needs to know which we'd prefer. I would prefer twice as fast. And that's something I never thought I would say.

Alright. Hold on, hold on. Twice as large or four times as fast i mean i think you're gonna have to take the speed no matter what four times as fast is better four times as fast is you'll be dead before you see them spiders are already fast so if it's four times as fast they just disappear and in my world i got them i'm gonna hit i'm gonna you know i'm gonna take that shoe i'm gonna it. And then it just disappeared. I don't know where it went.

I didn't see it go. Twice as large or the ability to fly. Did he miss me saying wings are four times as big? Oh, I would. Oh, my gosh. Jumping. Next. Archie from Twitter.

Archie. Archie says, would you rather play miniature golf with your favorite fictional character or play video games with your favorite celebrity? So wait, this is like I can play mini golf with like Legolas or something? I mean, yes. That doesn't sound very fun.

Why did I pick Legolas? Seriously. When I think fictional, I thought fantasy. And then fantasy went Lord of the Rings and then Lord of the Rings went like Legolas is he even the best one from the movie that's who my wife would pick that's who my wife would pick trust me he's certainly not the coolest one

he's certainly not the coolest one to play mini golf with because you would want you'd want Gandalf you I mean imagine how cool that game would get that windmill now is 70 feet tall, and the balls are flying through the air because he's got magic. And if you're going fictional,

you've got to bring something into this world that is... But doesn't Legolas do that cool thing where he slides down on a shield or something? Yeah, he can slide down on a shield on anything. While you're having war during mini-golf. If he was on the back of a brontosaurus, he would slide down the neck and fire arrows into the enemy. I feel like... You see those stairs?

I could stun him. So what fictional characters would we choose? I'm thinking like right now, you know, recently Final Fantasy VII, I've been playing that. Would I grab a character, know play with cloud he's he doesn't have much of a personality do people alert do wait the guy who just threw out lego loss with with no hesitation is calling someone else a nerd oh my god i will happily be a nerd if that means that i'm a final fantasy 7 player. Do people really have a list of like, these are my favorite fictional characters that you can go to at any moment?

You could be, you'll play some, what, Harry Potter? Yeah, Harry Potter comes to mind for sure. You could do, you know, mini golf on broomsticks. That would be a blast. But I mean, I think I'd rather do something with a real celebrity like if if the question was just would you rather meet your favorite real celebrity or your favorite fictional character that's kind of what the question is unless you're really i'd rather pick a fictional character because i would learn more yeah i i oh you would learn more about the

fictional character yeah because it'd be you'd be getting somebody with superpowers or somebody with abilities or somebody that's, you know. I'd rather chill with, you know, Legolas, right? And learn about the elven life. But you're not learning anything. You're learning make-believe. I mean, you could do that right now. Just look to your left. Legolas is there.

You're telling me that the fictional character comes forward in time, but his world isn't real? Yes. That's W. Legolas is there You're telling me that the fictional character comes forward in time But his world isn't real Yes Would you rather play golf with a person in a costume That's how I feel this question is You're talking to an actual character If it's a fictional character But now they're in real life Are they still a fictional character Or do they now exist

Yeah I mean you could hang out with superman batman james bond james bond lego voldemort i'm gonna i'm gonna take a frodo oh frodo would be homer simpson you don't play golf with homer simpson i i think it would be cool to just see a cartoon in real life. Otherwise, I'm going to play some video games. I'm going to play some basketball video games with Michael Jordan. Because if I can say I beat Michael Jordan at basketball. What if you beat him?

Oh, if you beat him in one-on-one. Yeah. Then you can say on a technicality. I beat him in one-on-one. You're not going on a technicality, I beat him in one-on-one basketball. You're not going to beat him. And I'll say, no, he was older. He was in his whatever he is, his 40s and his 50s, but I still beat him one-on-one basketball,

and I will never, ever reveal more than that. What age does he have to be for you to beat him? In 90-plus? Video games? We're talking about video games. No, in basketball. Oh, in real basketball? Yeah.

What age does Michael Jordan have to be where you would beat him? It would have to be in the 90s. Have to be in the 90s. Dead age. You roll the corpse out there. Honestly, when I think about Michael Jordan in his 90s, I'm not super confident. He's still got the size. You know what I mean?

Well, by the 90s have he'll lose some size he'll be six four by then yeah exactly no all right yeah what were you saying i was just establishing my pick of michael jordan playing video games all right isabel from patreon would you rather be missing a finger or have two extra fingers? So you're just talking about going down. You still got your thumb, but you could go from, you're either three or six. I mean, that is missing a finger count. Missing a finger. No, you're either three or seven, right?

Oh, you're just, are you? We have four fingers right now. You're subtracting thumbs. Okay. That's like saying, how many fingers do I have? Ten? No, because eight. Two of these are not fingers.

One, two, skip a few. But my point is, if you're missing a finger... That was accurate, but all right. If you're missing a finger, you have a story to tell. You know what I mean? The fish bit it off, or a wood shop accident. You know, there's a way that you presumably lost the finger. You're like, well, here's what happened. I was playing this game.

Would you rather not have to pick something? So I lost the finger. But if you've got this, I feel like seven fingers would be more practical. Is it? Growing up, one of my best friends, his brother had an extra set of... No, he had an extra set of pinkies. So I knew a kid who had 12 fingers. 10, Mike.

10 fingers. You're counting them thumbs again? So I've seen it. So educate us. What did you think? I mean, were you real? Was it cool to say you knew somebody with that many? Well, I mean, look, I didn't know that it was going to be a very useful anecdote in a story 25 years later but like what was he

was he like a great pitcher because his curveball was wicked with that extra that i don't know it was it was somewhat functional he didn't have uh complete control of it is that illegal if you have too many like can you still honestly the first the first thing that came to my mind genuinely was was boxing like you can't have heavier gloves because the the weight of your hand and what's inside you know you can't put like you can't carry a roll of quarters because that's a real unfair advantage but if i've got the weight of like, you know, now I've got 20% more hand than you. It's two extra pinkies. It's two extra, Mike. Blah, blah, blah, blah. I think I'm going to be a pro boxer.

Two extra gigantic pinkies. I'm taking thumbs, okay? I'm sticking with eight fingers, four thumbs. I'm taking extra fingers. Or no, that would be six thumbs. Like, if it was a really big 12. If, like, I had full dexterity of this finger and I could use it like for guitar playing

I mean I can do stuff that nobody else could possibly do that's my point I feel like the extra fingers have more usefulness more upside more practicality however much more difficult to find gloves gloves yeah go mittens

yeah I mean but fit them in. Fit them in. You're going to have to be a... You're going to have to sew. Yes, potholders. You're going to have to learn how to sew. I think we're saying this like you can't just like stitch an extra finger hole onto a pair of gloves. You need an extra two.

Oh, two. I'm so sorry. I don't think you can just stitch an extra... Yeah, in fact, I will pay you... I will pay you to stitch extra fingers onto some gloves yeah that's not a thing because you gotta have the room for it like the the spot of the hole is gonna be all thrown off when at the this is such a dumb question i'm taking the extra fingers i'm taking the extra fingers i don't live in cold weather where i have to wear gloves i think i'm

gonna you know just to give Jason one more option here would you rather have five extra fingers on one hand or spiders to be four times as big I would have fingers coming out of every part of my body I will be the finger man for sure all right we're moving on spit what some of life's best moments happen around the campfire i have so many memories growing up around the campfire i remember my my dad screaming bear uh he was lying and he well he got me good uh but that was around a campfire it's so nice in today's electronic age to unplug sit around a campfire, and create special memories.

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Because they are hard to believe. And I guess I will begin by sharing my story with you two gentlemen. It's very interesting. It's very petty. Newswoman. I like it. Newswoman demands $500 DNA test to identify which roommate stole her $2 yogurt. Okay? Her yogurt?2 yogurt. Okay? Her yogurt?

Her yogurt. So essentially, this woman has roommates. And as you might imagine, she has her items. And in this case, she has some yogurt she bought. And she noticed that one of her yogurts was in the trash and had been eaten. And so she confronted her roommates, multiple roommates, and they all denied it. They all said none of us. I've been there with my kids.

I've been there with my kids. Who left the milk out? No, I didn't. I didn't get the milk out. I didn't get the milk. I didn't get. One of you took like, I know it didn't just magically come out and they swear and I'm like you're all grounded you're all grounded until someone tells me who you know

who took it out and then eventually I find out my wife did it but uh you know no my my daughter's new thing is I didn't mean to even when it's something that you can't not mean to do right yes um but here she she notices she confronts them she's very furious about this and she decides that she's going to go to the police and demand a dna test and so all five roommates are forced to give their dna the perpetrator was yes no no the police they didn't follow through come on on. Yes, they did. Wait, I missed part of that article. Did you say a $2,000 yogurt?

$2 yogurt. This was police. This was actually law enforcement in Taiwan. The police department agreed. They realized they couldn't get fingerprints from the bottle, and they demanded the five roommates to report to the station, got DNA samples, identified the thief, and this is the worst part.

That thief is now facing a charge of threat pressed by the original roommate. Why is this happening in Taiwan? I mean, do you know how much $2 yogurt you could have bought with that $500? I know. This was about principle, Jason. You ever heard somebody waste their time on principle? I know. This was about principle, Jason. You ever heard somebody waste their time on principle? I'm guessing 250 yogurts.

We have all had that thought before of something, just a really small situation of like, I know I'm right and I'm going to find out. Whatever it takes. And you daydream and you go through all the steps

of that's right. I'll see you in court. I'm going gonna sue you over this i had person actually did it i won't say their names but we had i had some friends that were roommates and you know how when your roommates you kind of fight that battle of who's gonna do the dishes this day who's gonna clean that thing up this thing up anyway one of them like made a pizza and had like the pizza stuff out on the counter and left the tray out and it was a battle of wills and that thing stayed on the counter for weeks with everything else around it cleaned

and neither person would budge to clean up the pizza stuff so you can get to the level where you may want a dna test we are dumb we are a dumb species the the dumb species here is the police officers because i mean if i'm a police officer and you come crashing in here i will just buy you a yogurt at this point i'll be like come on let's go to the store here's two bucks get yourself a yogurt and that's not justice called uh don't sweat the small stuff yeah so that that's my story that is somehow real life that's crazy all right i'll uh i'll bring my story up here my story uh that i found is pig sparks farm fire in england after eating and defecating battery-powered pedometer so wait this story was funny in the beginning this pig pooped fire and i know i know we've all felt like that we've

gone to chipotle we've gotten the hot sauce and we think we could start a fire this pig did it this pig pooped up a farm fire goodness and here's what's crazy right so like apparently it ate this uh battery powered pedometer um and the copper of course right i mean pigs do as pigs do yeah yeah and um i'm learning from this article i'm surprised there aren't more pig fires because they eat everything. And pig fires should be a serious issue that we are confronted with. Oh, my gosh. Pig fires are something I haven't really considered in the global threat category. Yeah, I mean, Tiff literally has been trying to convince me and our family.

Our family is all behind it. I'm the curmudgeon, and I will continue to be Tiff. She wants to get a pig as a pet oh yeah she wants to no there's a lot of like you know domesticated i remember i had a friend growing up who had a pig as a pet and they had a doggy door they it was we already know if he's giving this level of arguments that he's already received and is now parroting this pig is arriving sooner than later no i'm not doing i'm not doing a pig i'm not i'm not please please don't make me do it good advice but this article this article helps me to have an argument because

i don't want you know this is a danger to our family if this thing can poop fire that is an art yeah that one's in your corner where you can bring that to her and say, look, honey, I would love a pig, but. Yeah. Hot fire. So here's what happened, though, is it seems like the copper or something mixed with the feces. We stay professional here. Oh, yes. The poop.

Yeah, the caca. And it created, and I started thinking about it. I'm like, wait, like fertilizer. Fertilizer, which. The poop. Yeah, the caca. And it created... And I started thinking about it. I'm like, wait, like fertilizer. Fertilizer, which is mostly poop. That's like used in making bombs and things like that. So it's like, is our poop like... Flammable? I mean, we've never really experienced it.

It just goes straight in the water. But is the whole reason because water puts out fire? Have you ever wondered why there's water? There's water there because you got flammable poop coming out your butt. Do you think that in old outhouses they used to have a fire extinguisher because they knew that when you eat something spicy or you eat too much copper that there's a problem? I gotta get my vitamins. I think that no, they probably didn't.

But there's only one way to be sure whether your poop's flammable, and that is for you to perform an experiment. That would be a video no one wants to see. It's been a while since the show has been consumed. Of my turd trying to light on fire. I'm not doing it. No, you can just. It's more of a private experiment that we know that you did.

I'll let you know how it goes. It's important we know what you did. Impressive. Dangerous. I will keep that in mind. Mike, what do you got for us? So I've got man facing charges after high speed chase on the I-5 with a pit bull in the driver's seat. Like the pit bull is driving so there was a 51 year old man who is now facing several charges uh there was a a high speed chase where they

the officer said the vehicle was going over 100 miles an hour so this car is flying going dangerously fast eventually they were able to catch him and then when they caught him they the man said he was teaching his dog how to drive because when they pulled him over the pit bull was in the driver's seat and the man was steering the driving wheel so and the best line of this article is, it ends with, it was not clear if the pit bull would be charged in connection with the incident. Can you charge?

I guess you can, right? I'm pretty sure that part's a joke. But you can charge animals with assault. Oh, nice one. Oh, very nice. Pit stop. Now, what would you do if you're another driver you see this car flying up behind you i would look over and there's a pit bull driving you'd

be like i'm off the road no i'd be like elon musk took care of that he did that elon musk set that up it's fine wow so so that's uh that's like that excuse you know you ever seen it where my dog ate my homework they Sure, you can go there. My dog was speeding? But sometimes people flip-flop the seats, you know? I feel like that's what happened. He was speeding, and then he flip-flopped to try to get rid of the- Man, I got two strikes.

You got to take the rap for me. That's exactly right. Thank goodness you pulled this over, officer. This dog was out of control. Fluffy, you got to handle it. Take the heat. Oh, my goodness. Wow. right thank goodness you pulled this over officer this dog was out of control fluffy you gotta handle it take the heat oh my goodness wow um yeah i'm i'm not sure if the pig or the pit bull is scarier in this situation but shall we draft yes let's do it spit watts how many free trial subscriptions end up costing you hundreds, if not thousands of

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The Spitballers Draft. Badingy! Is that your first pick? Oh, crap. Yeah, it is. All right. So today we are drafting the best potato-based foods. Take a moment. I've been known to eat a potato or two.

It's a very versatile vegetable. Yeah. Is it a vegetable or is it a starch? Are those different? Are they the same? I've never understood. I feel like... I don't think it's a vegetable.

I feel like it's not a vegetable solely... It's not classified as a vegetable i feel like al yes but i mean yes a potato is a yes obviously but i know what you're saying vegetables it's a starchy vegetable you never really hear like eat your vegetables you don't think like it's not good for you right that technically they're called like nightshades or something like that but i think they still fall into the isn't a tomato that as well no nightshades are in skyrim uh that's what you can harvest we've gone down a rabbit hole we don't want to go down jason's in a potato out of potato farm right now we're drafting potato-based foods there are are plenty. Let's put it that way.

There are a lot of options. I just happen to have the first pick. Is there another vegetable or otherwise that is as versatile as a potato? Tomatoes. Tomatoes are very versatile. Yeah. They're involved in so many sauces. But the phrase is not eat your meat and tomatoes.

It could be. It could have been if tomatoes were better. If they had better marketers. But the other thing is, like, here's what's crazy. We're about to draft 12 amazing food items. Well, at least like 10. I'm sure you guys will each pick something real stupid. Yeah.

But potatoes themselves suck. Like, you don't bite into a potato. How is this possible that someone... Because it's like a not cooked one, you mean? Yeah, I'm just saying we have found this bland, boring, inedible thing that causes magic to all foods. Maybe that's why we... When you're like, is it a vegetable? Because most vegetables

you can just pick it out of the ground and eat it right there. It's true. Raw. Yeah. So maybe that's like the weird mental block of a potato is you have to cook it. Eat your steamed potatoes. What? Yeah, that's interesting. Getting back to the draft, I will take the

very beautiful, delicious, wonderful, spectacular, aromatic, crunchy, smooth, ranch-dipped, ketchup-dipped, lovely French fries. French fries are my number one pick. It's the easy pick. I assumed you were going French fries because it's the clear one-on-one. But at one one descriptor you said crunchy can be it can be and can be but that's not like your usual thought for like i love this crunchy crunchy french french so then i was like are you are you gonna mess this up are

you gonna mess up the one-on-one i'm sorry did i mess it up no i did no french fries is the clear one-on-one all right i've got french fries oh all right i'll jump in here with my second pick and with this new found life that i have found myself stuck in where i go in the pantry and i go man i'm hungry what am i gonna eat and this is now a daily part of my life. I will take potato chips. Okay. That's what I had at my number two as well. Yeah, that's everybody's number two. I mean, french fries, potato chips. Dang it.

I think people can go a different direction with number two, though. I thought that if you had it, Jason, you would have gone a different direction. I considered making a pick that I thought would be... I know this won't make it back to me, and I know that it would upset Jason for me to take it,

but I had to stick with my heart. The problem is I have – So at the third pick, if either one of those had fallen to me, this draft would be over. I could dominate. But unfortunately, you guys took the two best. You guys have the two best potato-based foods because they're the two best you guys have the two best potato based fruits foods because they're

the two most processed you're taking this potato turning it into the least potato it can be um but still calling it eating your vegetables that's right oh man i can eat my vegetables when i have potato chips now exactly yes and spaghettios all right uh well look with the third pick i'm gonna take what should be the third pick it's mashed potatoes okay i mean and it's tiffany's famous mashed potatoes my wife makes the best potatoes on the planet they're pretty good up against anybody they're pretty pretty good i've actually started to i've learned this last week i cooked the mashed potatoes for my first time in my life how are they they were very good nowhere near as good it seems like a strange thing for you to do if your wife makes the best mashed potatoes in the world that you would then

take the mantle i've been cooking a lot and so you know because we're she was asleep wasn't she wide awake wide awake uh she helped stir it once or twice okay twice when I was a little behind on my cooking schedule. But it was good. Did you open the box or did she? Oh, very nice. How dare you? Instant potatoes get out of here. When you cook, Jason, because your wife is a good cook, and my wife is as well.

And so when I endeavor, I'm not as good at any of the things that she does. Is she very supportive or does she kind of mock you as you fail? No, no, no. The end result is great. I have not made anything that is anything but super delicious. The process is where I get mocked. Me too. Me too.

The process is where I get mocked. What would take her about 30 seconds to chop up all the vegetables is like, give me 30 minutes and then we'll start making the meal once I've pre-chopped and done all that stuff. I'm very, very slow and that's usually my problem. All right. So I got the mashed potatoes. They're loaded. They're great.

Okay. So the one I want to take, I'm going to hold off. I'm circling it right now. I think I can, I think you think it'll make it all the way back. I think it'll make it all the way back. Okay. And it's really what should be taken now.

And I'll be so upset if one of you grabs it. Okay. All right. So that leaves me, you do have to pick though. If you, even though you're waiting for that one, you have to make another pick now.

All right. You guys got fries and chips. These are the inferior cousin to both of those. I'm going to take tater tots. Oh, you changed your pick. You did just change your pick. I did. I'm worried you changed your pick.

You changed your pick. You did just change your pick. I did. I'm worried you changed your pick. I was debating between two, and I want both, and I want my other pick that's going to come back to me. I need the potatoes. Hot tater tots. Hot tater tots. Hot tater tots.

Nice and hot. Here's the thing. Tater tots are nowhere near as frequent an item. Tater tots are great. And that's going to be my pick. The availability is not as high. It is not. But when I go, like, you know, we have Smash Burger or Sonic.

There's a few places where they will just, you know, do you want French fries or tater tots? And at those places, maybe it's just because it's rare. I almost always go with tater tots. It is because it's rare. And they're so good. But they don't carry the weight by any means that french fries are just. I really want cheese on my tater tots. I feel like it really.

Well, cheese goes on. I think that it's just implied that cheese is on almost every single thing we're listing. And it's not like cheese isn't amazing on fries. Don't get me wrong. It's just less frequent. Yeah, and you can just eat cheese as well uh regardless of this draft or potatoes you could just i that's one of my most frequent foods yeah yeah cheese is delicious this that's that's what i learned today i draft cheese all right so who's got the pick

mike i am up i am torn now because i i was i was ready to. I was ready to go with tater tots. I even heard Jason picking something else that was not tater tots, so I was very ready to draft tater tots. Yeah, when he said, hot tater tots. Hot tater tots. All right, but I'm just going to keep moving along. Just steam potatoes. No, I'm just going to keep moving along Just steam potatoes No I'm just going to keep moving along here with my heart

I have no idea what people I have no idea where this vote is going to go But I love me Potato salad I love it so very much With my barbecue meals With really any type of meals I mean you give me a potato salad

and i am in so we we obviously uh we have our fantasy football podcast it's massive um we do a lot of uh drafts and uh things like that there's nothing greater than when you come in prepared with a list of who you want and someone drafts something not even on your list i mean when it's like i'll take felix jones i mean potato salad's fine it's okay i'll eat it i like it but i don't think it's top 10 mike yeah i mean jason saying he'll eat it is not the highest praise right that's this is not the barometer you need he does have a show called jason eats that's true potato salad was on my list mike it wasn't high enough to where I would have stolen it

from you in the next round. I'm going to go with what Jason was about to say, which is hash browns. Yes, that's right. I'm taking hash browns with my second pick. They're fine.

In this draft. French fries and hash browns are pretty dominant one, too, to start with. I'm feeling pretty darn good there. And, man, now I have a real difficult choice. I mean, I wanted hash browns and tater tots. This is a little difficult,

and maybe we need a ruling from Al, because I don't know where the lines are blurred in potato-based products. Baked potato chips. I think I know where he's going. Well, I'm going to where he's going. Well, I'm going to go potato wedges. Is that an acceptable pick?

I had it on my list. It is an acceptable pick because you have french fries. You know what I mean? It's an acceptable pick. It's an acceptable pick either way. He's saying that it's not a fry. You can't draft curly fries because you have fries. If I can get potato wedges.

But potato wedges are not fries. Yeah, if I can get those potato wedges delivered to your table that's got the bacon on them and the cheese. I mean, those are really quite appetizing. Between a potato wedge and a steak fry is nothing. That is my... The shape. That is false. Texture as well. Potato wedges are larger

than steak. Thank you, Al. You're a great producer, by the way. I've seen many smaller potato wedges than steak fries. You are not fired. Those are called steak fries. Red Robins steak fries are way bigger than Jack in the Box's potato wedges. You're talking about their French fries?

Yes, I am. Their potato wedges are their French fries. Back to Mike. I know that that might not have been the best pick. I don't know. But that's what I would choose. I think potato wedges are delicious. All I'm doing is I'm choosing what I will actually choose.

And I know I'll have a great fourth pick coming back to me. So, Mike, it's up to you. I am going to take uh what like hash browns is like it's generally a breakfast food and but there is there is a superior uh breakfast potato so i it it is i in my opinion like i said i'm just taking the stuff i want i will take country fried potatoes yeah little little like i i've heard those called breakfast potatoes like the square the little square potato little chopped up potato peppers in there maybe some onions those are like a hash like a hash brown no it's not hashed at all no i know what he's saying it's like it's like a hash

it's yeah but it better just be a bunch of those country potatoes yeah it's a fine pick oh my goodness we can cut potatoes into different did you get your pick back jason yeah i got all I have to just be a bunch of those country potatoes. Yeah, it's a fine pick. Oh, my goodness. We can cut potatoes into different shapes. Did you get your pick back, Jason? Yeah, I got all my picks back. I mean, my list is so good. He's taking a baked potato. Well, I am going to take a baked potato.

That is one of my picks. I can't believe that that made it back to me. And this is a loaded baked potato. Okay, but you're writing it in as baked potato. No, I'm this is a loaded baked potato. Okay. But you're writing it in as baked potato. No, I'm writing it as loaded baked potato. No, you're not. You're writing it in as a baked potato.

I am 100% drafting it. It is written down on my list as a loaded baked potato. I think Mike is saying that none of us are adding condiments to our selections presently. This isn't adding a condiment. This is a thing you order. We can just write whatever we want down and hold it up to the camera. I wrote it down, so I get it. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question.

Have you ever ordered a loaded baked potato at a restaurant? Yes, I have. That's a thing. Have you ever ordered? It's fine with me. It's fine with me. I don't care. Oh, see, I...

That is such a common potato product. Yeah, it's implied either way. So you're telling us that we can draft a baked potato then? A regular baked potato? I'm writing a download of baked potato. Just like you can't draft curly fries, but you have them. All right, my next pick is the one that I was hoping would get back to me. It's the one that I wanted with my second pick.

It might be the best potato product. And I'm legitimately... I thought it would get back to me. I believe this is the best potato product. But it's very... It's much more rare. You don't have it as often, which is freaking travesty. It's just a shame.

Just try to pronounce it. Go on. Oh, I's try to pronounce it go on oh i know how to pronounce it potatoes au gratin my man you i mean potatoes au gratin when you get them layers of the sliced potatoes and the cheese we were talking about cheese on potatoes that helps this is cheesy potatoes i mean that's i'm pretty sure that's what au gratin means. Yeah, au gratin infers that they are cheesy potatoes. Yes! I just got au gratin potatoes with my last pick. You did. Hallelujah!

I'm jacked up, man. It'll be really good with your plain baked potato. It will be excellent with my loaded baked potato. I got cheese on all this thing. You can put some bacon in there. So what's your final lineup? Let's hear it. All What's your final lineup? Let's hear it. All right.

My final lineup, I have potatoes au gratin, baked potato, loaded baked potato, mashed potato, and tater tots. Tater tots. All right. Mike, you get to close out your draft. What do you have? All right. There's still quite a few on the list.

I even have some classic Mike picks on here where it's just not a vote-getter, but it's something. That's how you've gone so far with your favorites. Yeah. There's two that I'm torn between. Both, I don't know if they are vote-getters. One of them is, I will say the word, and you guys probably will have never even heard of it, because it is a Scandinavian delight. So I'm going to go here.

I'm going to take gnocchi. Okay. Like, there's a soup, right? Or I guess just the balls of... No, gnocchi is just like a pasta substitute, basically. It is often in soups. Yeah, yeah. But the way I think of it is when I go to...

We have this Italian place that we go to, and instead of spaghetti, you order gnocchi. So it's got marinara sauce, it's got cheese on it, and it's so freaking good. I love it. I had no idea that was a potato. I always thought that was like a little bread pasta ball. Man, potatoes can do so much.

Potatoes are incredible. They are incredible unless you just want to eat it by itself. So what is your full situation? So I have loaded potato chips. I have loaded potato salad. I have loaded potato salad, country fried potatoes, and those are loaded as well. And then fully loaded

gnocchi. Fully loaded gnocchi. Just like everyone orders it. In the middle of this. All right. I'm going to close this out with scallop potatoes. Yeah. I'm taking scallop potatoes, which is, you know, it's like what's the cousin difference it's all groton minus cheese pretty much i mean that's what scallop potatoes

are you it is pretty much yeah okay when i wrote down on my list i'm writing these things down i got and i remembered scallop potatoes i'm like those are so good i wrote that and then you remembered all groton and then i went oh what am i doing i crossed that out and i wrote i'll be honest i would have taken all gratin ahead of scalloped. Had it made it back to me, which I thought it would. That's why I went with potato wedges. I didn't think those would make it back. But I got french fries, hash browns, potato wedges, and scalloped potatoes.

I got two things on my list that I still absolutely love. One of them I know is not beloved by all. Potato skins. I love potato skins. Those are good. Yeah. I mean, they're just they're whenever you just crisp it and then put a bunch of sour cream cheese and chives and oh load them up get them loaded loaded

of course yeah um have you ever had croquettes you ever had croquette i have played croquette croquette like they almost look like they are cheese sticks but they're uh but they're potatoes that sounds delicious it It sounds great. Are they deep fried? Yeah, of course. All right. That sounds like a French fry, the way you just described it.

They're like a little stick of potato, but then you fry it. I'm going to be honest with you guys. This draft, when I look at it, it was spud-tacular. Oh, man. Come on. Come on. Eight out of ten on the B batch i'll give my my shout out the the

food that have you guys ever heard of lefsa no no uh yeah lefsa it's it's from the right nice uh but it's i i know of it because my my heritage is scandinavian Norway. It's almost like a crepe. It's this really thin potato. So there's potatoes? I love it. I meant to say like a real, real thin pancake, but it's made out of potatoes, and you can either eat it with butter or you go with cinnamon and sugar on it. It's fantastic. Another thing that has not been drafted that is so good.

I think potato based soups are the best. Whether it's a loaded baked potato soup or a cream of potato soup. The sour cream and potato soup. Whatever it is, it just doesn't matter. If it's got potatoes in it and it's thick, it's wonderful.

Potato soups are delicious. I'm kind of hungry now oh i'm starving i'm googling things like are potatoes healthy that's what i'm googling i'm gonna try to put together a meal of these things just potatoes i'm gonna have all grout and mashed potatoes i believe in some french fries some chips as many potato items as i can have and i'm just gonna have a delicious not you know i'm gonna be a vegetarian for one meal. It's super healthy. You'll be a loaded vegetarian.

Yes, I will. By the way, Spitwads, appreciate your support of the show. Spitballerspod.com Become a Spitwad. Get access to the show early. Get an opportunity to share your ideas for the show right there on Patreon. And then, Al, are there any other potato-based foods that we omitted? I have a feeling we, of all the drafts, were pretty exhaustive in this one.

Skins were the one I wanted somebody to take. Yeah, I kind of forgot about them. We didn't bring up roasted in the draft. We talked about it earlier. Roasted are the healthy person's potato, which is really not in the top 12. Yeah, it's not in the top 12 yeah it's not in the top 12 healthy is not going to be in those are red potatoes normally and red potatoes are way worse than brown potatoes way worse and i would i probably would have taken sweet potato oh gosh

gross i know jason hates him that wouldn't count i love that wouldn't count it yeah that's part of french fries that's a different a different uh i'm all if you want Sweet potato fries is completely different than french fries. If it doesn't count, it's just because... Sweet potatoes are so gross. It's a different vegetable. I'll take carrots. We left carrots out, guys.

Yams are potatoes. Yeah, they are. They're a type of potato. It's a type of potato. It's a type of potato. It's a sweet potato. All right. It's not the same as carrots. If we're taking apple-based products, it's like all the versions of apples.

Granny Smith is out. Only Fuji. Okay. Yeah. Well, none of us took sweet potato stuff. Well, thank goodness, because we have morals. I love sweet potatoes. Oh, get out of here.

They're so bad. With your disgusting mustache. They're not so bad. I'm pushing this button. Ace buds. What did we learn today? I learned that a potato is a vegetable. I was not sure.

I learned that the celebrity that both Andy and his wife would like to hang out with is Legolas. It's apparently a fictional character. A fictional character. Sorry. And I don't know. I learned that pit bulls can drive. So that is it for today's episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Thanks for joining the three of us.

We'll catch you next time. Goodbye. Bye-bye. Badingi! Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.