Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Pit Pumping & The Best Cheese Based Foods - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

Spit Hit for November 2nd, 2023: On today’s show, we talk about perma-clowns, super buff feet, and what gaming looks like as an old man. The fellas also each bring a crazy article to discuss in ‘Is This Real Life?’. Then, we close things down with a draft of the best cheese-based foods. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. It's cheesy, it's breezy, I feel a little queasy, let's go! Too much cheese. Just let it sit, man. You were fine, it was good. You don't need a reflective clothes, you were good, it was great.

I liked it, everything about it was good. Sometimes you have too much cheese. That's true. Now, did you say it's breezy? Yeah, it's been breezy around here in Arizona. Stormy this morning. It's real. It's real current. That really resonates with local weather. It really resonates with the listener. This day, while we're recording, which is clearly probably not the day you're listening to this, in my neighborhood, it's very breezy. It is blustery. It's probably breezy in some other places.

Yeah. I mean, they might be saying, how did you know it was breezy? And I'm eating cheese. This is crazy. I feel sick, too. Somebody out there is eating cheese on a breezy day other than Jason. And they're queasy. And they're named Brandon.

Oh. I'm talking to you, Brandon. Brandon, put the cheese down. You've had enough. Spitballers, episode 169, Would You Rather? There is this real life and a, well, a very appropriate best cheese-based foods draft. So getting back to things we know and jason has the first pick is that correct that is so are we starting with the second pick probably okay oh because it's an auto auto 101 now there's a lot of we we all said when we were thinking about

cheese based foods today before the show got started that all of a sudden more and more came to mind. So there are some things, there's some strategy here. It's true because literally after I thought of 10 things, I thought of something that absolutely rivals the one-on-one. I could go another way here today. I could. Yeah. I dare you.

Well, we'll get into that shortly. And then I dare Andy to pass on it, too. Spitballerspod.com. You can head over there to the website, become an official Spitwad supporter of the show. And what do they get, Al? Do they get stuff for that? Ad-free episodes. Ad-free episodes.

Sweet. I go there first for content ideas. And don't you release them sooner over there, too? Yes, early release. Oh, okay. Way to leave that out. I was getting there. Yeah, it didn't sound like it.

You're not getting there. It was both bullet points. You were done. So you can do that. That's also jointhespit.com. Does that work? Yep, spitwadsquad.com. Okay.

We've got all that. We should register a new one every week for a year. We should. Just mass confusion. If you want to support our show, go to spitados.com. Spitty, spitty, bang, bang. Support the spit. Spit supporters.

All right. But no, really, it's Join the Spit. And we appreciate you, all of you. Thank you for your reviews. We read them all. They are wonderful, and you're a kind people. And this has been fun. We've done this show for quite a while.

Started releasing the Spit hits, so you got a couple episodes of the show. Because we've got a lot of episodes now some say too many yeah that's fair and um those people are my parents stop it stop recording all of yourself you bring shame upon this house and they and then since then you've you've worn lipstick on the fantasy footballers. Yeah. So they're making them proud. It did happen. There are people out there that work slightly harder than you do to make a living. Hey, man, work smarter.

Let's get going. Would you rather? All right. Manuel from Patreon says, would you rather have clown makeup appear on your face every time you get angry or would you rather have to obnoxiously clap your hands every time that you laugh? Mike would have a problem on this show. This is a Mike Wright special. Do tell.

Because if you've ever listened to the show, I am an easy laugh. I'm with two very funny people right here and one incredibly unfunny producer. But the two funny people, they make me laugh a lot. So it would turn into me clapping all the time. That would be obnoxious and it would it would be a little bit of i mean you know get a little hey at the day oh man that's so much more that's how i pictured it though yeah i didn't think of it like you yours was a little entertaining you kind of made a beat out of it. Jason's was the obnoxious kind of laughter I would imagine.

Mine was more like a seal. You know? Okay, yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The fins? Yeah. But, and that would happen to me all the time. But in the household, look, we all have three children.

Dad. We get angry. Dad face is a regular occurrence. Oh, man. in the household. And if every time that happened... You go to bed right now. You're trying to lay down the law. You turn into Bozo the clown.

Here's the thing. It would be good for you. I was going to say the same thing. It would actually be good. Dad, your nose is starting to turn red. Would you stay calm? So I can tell you what I would do because this has kind of happened before. Not magically turning into a clown face.

But there's been times where, like my wife and I, we don't get in many arguments. We don't fight. But we've been married for 15 years. So there's been times where. There's been some disagreements. And I have this. She calls it. I think she calls it a bunny rabbit

face like when i get really really when i get really really mad i like scrunch my nose up like and make like a little little scrunchy nose and sometimes it makes her laugh so i'm really upset i'm like that that nose only comes out when i'm legit angry at what happened. And now she's laughing at my anger. And here's what happens. It takes me to a level. It takes me to a level of anger that flips me over to laughing. And then I'm so pissed that I'm laughing because she wins. She wins and I laugh.

And then the fight is over. So she can defuse you. She can absolutely diffuse me so if I were to get seriously angry and bozo the clown face comes on I'm done and I all it grace washes over the clown and I am done with my anger so you're like you're like the dynamite that the closer that the fuse gets to blowing up at the end it just it's a joke yeah apparently well that's nice yeah i i think it would be good because it would teach me that i have to try to communicate

the serious nature of these children doing what i say in a better way without being angry i will say this is it just your but is it just like angry voice? Because what if this changes? I know that if I start getting angry face on, I'll turn into a clamble. What if I just now everything is I have a huge smile on my face and I am barking out orders or possible discipline? Because that sounds far more terrifying i don't think it's based on your face or your anger outwardly this says every time it's like oh like a mood ring so it's an it's a mood ring so here's the deal let's say we're on the show and we say something you don't

like but you don't want us to know you don't like it so you just swallow that up inside and move on but inside you're angry. And all of a sudden we look over and you've got a clown face and we go, oh no, he's hurt. He is angry at us. Look at that clown. This would be a problem. Okay. That one is, that clown is running down the street.

What? I mean, you turn into a clown, so then they're laughing at you, so then you're even more angry. Yes. So then, I mean, I'm just saying, like, that is not a world. Like, I'd rather obnoxiously clap. And if you can't hide your anger. Because, look, anger is, everybody gets angry.

And anger can be like, it can be. Except for Mr. Rogers. Oh, you didn't know him behind the scenes he laid down the law uh i don't know i doubt it i doubt it too but like it's not just the emotion that is bad it's what you do with the emotion and like it could be a it can be a power or a tool of power that can have productive change when you use it correctly. But if you can't hide it ever, I'm looking like a clown a lot. Here's the funny thing about people, too.

And my wife and I are an example of this. Some people, their emotions, it takes them a while to come down off of it. Other people, it's like my wife, she'll get really mad. But literally, it can be two seconds later, she's done,

it's over, she's normal. So if I'm using this clown example, if I got mad, it takes me like 20 minutes for the makeup to come off. She would not look like a clown in like two seconds. I'd look like a clown for like 30 minutes. There have to come off, she would not look like a clown in two seconds. I'd look like a clown for 30 minutes. There have to be people out there that would be so

angry about being a clown. Oh, it's perpetual? It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once they get angry once, they're a perma-angry clown for the rest of their life. What if you're scared of clowns? Well, that's probably going to make you angry.

If you are someone who is scared of clowns and you're dressed up as a clown, can you scare yourself? Like, you can't tickle yourself. Right. Can you scare yourself? Well, that's a good question. I don't think you can. Huh?

I don't think you can. But man, if I look at a picture of a... I can make myself laugh i can make myself you know happy yeah i think you could scare yourself but you're the you're scared of yourself but you're the clown if you dressed up as a spider and then you looked in a mirror would you be scared no because i'd be dressed as a man spider like i'm not afraid of a spider costume i'm afraid of a photograph of a spider or heaven forbid a real i've heard they exist um can i can i so are we all going i'm going clap i'm definitely going clown i'm gonna take my anger and get rid of it and then i gotta go clap can i ask i want to detour

for a second because i need to i need a real life question to answer. Oh, getting clown faced. What? How would you? This is more of like, that's a great question. How do you define yelling? Ooh. What is yelling? Have you ever been down this road before?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time. The kids. Well, you just yelled at me. I'm like, you have not heard me yell. Okay, so I'm not alone. I thought I was going to get like shamed on the show. 100%. They've never heard me yell. Okay, so I'm not alone. I thought I was going to get shamed on the show. 100%. They've never heard me yell in their lives.

100% yelling has to include, has to, by definition, include the decibel level. It has to be a raised loud voice. But I can speak loud. But yelling is different, though. Speaking loud is not, Yelling is a comedy. Like, sometimes you tell a kid to do something really seriously. Right. Is that yelling?

No, that's not yelling. Of course it's not yelling. Because yelling has to include a louder voice. You can speak loud, but you can't yell quietly. Right. That's fair. Okay. See, this has been one of those things where like and i think as men

you know you have a more like domineering voice so if you barely change your voice sometimes you're yelling a whisper you can get over here right now that's a shout whisper come on over here are you yelling are you? I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know, but I'm behind this bush. I think for it to be a yell, it has to hurt. Oh, I don't know about that. Oh, it's got to hurt. Oh, I can yell without hurting myself. Is the temptation to say you want to see what yelling is?

Is that always the temptation? But no, there have been so many. And that's the thing where I would turn into a clown. Sometimes my kids say I'm yelling when I'm not yelling at all. When I'm just talking like this. You just talk like a New Yorker. And you're like, that's not yelling. That's just talking like this.

All right. Kyle from Patreon. Would you rather work out only one arm or one leg every day for a year? So, I mean, you do this you are you've got a weren't we just talking about we're talking about lady in the water and how there's a character that has one huge arm because he only works out one arm but practically speaking would you rather like would this be good for me like on our show yeah i'm only seen by my left profile so if i only work my left arm out oh you look ripped you never see my right arm yeah i mean that that would that would be great for you two

guys because mike's right arm and his left arm and for me i i've got the best seat in the house uh if you haven't experienced us on youtube, please check it out. You're just sitting here at Guns Out. You've been working out? Nope. Not recently. I have worked out. Not yesterday. I took today off.

It's something I could say every day this year. But I think you do have to go with the arm, though. No matter what. No way. No way. Because while we have a beard. What do you mean?

Why? Because both are dumb visually. You can hide the leg visually, a pair of pants, and you don't look as dumb. But one is practically, like I feel like it would necessitate a limp. You wouldn't be able to walk evenly because you've got like one jacked leg and one little scrawny chicken leg. You don't get taller when you work out. Well, that's fair. That's a good point.

I see your point. But maybe my foot is so strong it's a bigger shoe. My foot is so buff. You guys see my feet muscles? So you need a wider shoe or what? Yeah, it's probably wider and taller. It gives me a huge lift. It's a big problem.

It's my buff foot. It's got a six pack. Oh, man. The veins on that foot are outrageous. Oh, that's a good point. I don't think I would have a limp now that I think through this. You may have a limp because that leg would be sore. You'd be weaker.

Yeah. One's stronger, clearly, right? Yeah. What practical things does a strong leg do for you? Oh, nothing. We're kicking. Kicking is not something I do a lot of. Yeah. What practical things does a strong leg do for you? Nothing. What are you kicking? Kicking is not something I do a lot of. When's the last time you've gone and kicked something?

Like, kicked it where your muscles matter. Like, man, I wish I had a stronger leg to kick this thing. I haven't kicked something in a long time. Kick something. Kick something with muscles. Never? Yeah, exactly. Whereas, you're like, kick it. The practical. You. Never? Yeah, exactly. Whereas, you're like, kick it.

The practical. You'd be a great kicker. Never kicked before. That's because I don't have one buff leg. Yeah, that's okay. This is a chicken or the egg. That's a good point. Maybe if Mike had one super strong leg, he'd be kicking everything. Oh, you know it.

You know it. My furniture's wrecked. I would just be telling people, hey, you know it. You know it. My furniture's wrecked. I would just be telling people, hey, can you hold that? Roundhouse. Axe kick. Okay. Now, there are practical uses for one strong arm. The one strong arm, what are they?

Bring any groceries, man. Load it all up on the one arm. And then I can open the door with my scrawny with my chicken wing and then there you go it's my strong arm isn't it funny that arm's always been the same but if you have one bigger that one becomes the weak oh for sure chicken week i think the reality is they're both chicken we have chicken arms right now and we just will allow ourselves to refer to the truth if we have buff arms. It would be good for like a new dad.

You know, you hold the baby with the. Well, which one would you want to hold the baby with? I would want the weak arm. Why? I don't want to squeeze her. You know, this is too hard. Oh, no. I mean, you know, I don't want to be too strong.

If you have one arm that's just way stronger, do you actually know, like, can you control the strength? Interesting. I mean, it's a joke, but I think there's something to that. You may not realize how much stronger your strong arm is compared to the weak arm. I'm breaking every glass I hold. It's a strong arm. I don't think it would be a problem. I do think you would be able to mentally adjust

because I don't know if you know this right now. Right now you have a strong arm and a weak arm. Yeah, but not a year-long working out strong arm. You could win arm wrestling tournaments. Well, probably not because they're working out both their arms and they're just real strong. My arm's strongest which one's dumber looking like if the arm the arm is the arm for sure no but what if we're a pair of pants no no no you don't get the choice though i'm just saying like we get to you're wearing a pair of shorts and you're wearing a tank top the arm the arm

because a buff what if you had a humongous calf just on one leg? That would just look like a problem. Oh, yeah, like you got a blood clot or something? Right. I definitely think that a strong arm would look worse but be more practical. I'm taking it. All right. I agree.

That makes more practical sense. Mike's not kicking things. Now? I would be later. All right. Julianne from the website, would you rather play video games for 12 hours straight or watch movies for 12 hours straight? I love both of these. You know,

the older I get. Yep. I know where you're going. No, the older I get, the more work video games are. Yeah. Oh,

see, I'm not alone. Oh my gosh. I played a game. Like gaming has been a like part of how i define myself you know my childhood was not playing sports i mean whatever i went outside every once in a while but my childhood memories are like the NES, and then moving up to the Super Nintendo. The bulk of my memories are video game related, and no regrets.

I'm super happy with those childhood memories. So now, as an adult and as a dad, I'm always trying to find a video game that I can play. And it's, well, I never have time. And you still get excited for new video games. So you buy new games all the time, and you literally never play them. Like, they just sit in the cellophane package. They sit, download it, and never played.

But I downloaded a new game. Oh, this is recent? Yeah, I was like, I'm doing it. The reviews on this game are incredible. So hashtag not a sponsor, but Deathloop. Okay. It's this new game out, and the premise is incredible, where it's almost like the Tom Cruise movie where he dies.

Live, die, repeat. Yeah, it's like that, but it's a video game where the story is just one thing, and every time you die, you go back to the beginning of it. Really? So you get further and further? Oh, that's incredible. Yes.

Except I am the oldest man alive now, and with all the menus and all of the upgrading and everything that I had to do instead of just play the game, I was like, I'm out. Nope. I can't do this. I've never felt older older in my life than when i was playing this video game i just i didn't understand our soul i sold i have a similar story so it was the

worst this last year there's why i play rocket league man a game taken over called ginshin impact i don't know if you've heard of this it's a i have not it's a freemium like open world rpg game and my son has been playing it and he's playing it on his phone and he's just you know he's played it a lot he's begging me to get it and download he says oh you'll like it you'll play it so i got it i downloaded it and when when we were first when he's first walked me through there's's like 700,000 menus, man. There's menus everywhere. And I love that usually.

Like, I'm an RPG guy, so I love building characters and customizing everything. And I'm just like, this is too much. And so to start, like basically like the tutorial level where you're starting, I'm basically going like my character's like two feet uh what will let me figure these controls out uh okay i'm gonna run five feet what does this mean you do i'm like the slowest he's like just go and i'm it it took me a while it's unfortunate and then most games now if they're really big great games like the first two and a half hours of playing them is two and a quarter hours of cut scenes and then 15 minutes of playing. If you break through, like I finally did it.

I went through on Red Dead and I broke through all of that and stayed the course and it became great. that and stayed the course and it became great but the like mixture of being a dad and not feeling like you have the patience and not knowing how to do it like you just aren't like for my kids it's instant yes all that instant all that being said the question here is 12 hours of watching movies movies or 12 hours of video games and while i love movies and i can you guys know I can watch me some programs on the TV. 12 hours is a heck of a lot of time to watch something straight, whereas when I get into a video game, time just disappears. 12 hours is not enough. When you get into Red Dead or you get into a video game,

it's like, wait, you said I get 12 hours. It's like, yeah, it's been 13. No, it's been an hour. i get 12 hours it's like yeah it's been 13 no it's been an hour i'm changing because you're right if you have 12 straight hours that means you've got the first four hours to learn how to play the game and you're gonna actually enjoy it you've got permission to take that time to learn it but you gotta push through that wall we can push hard man push through we're not that old i don't know if i have the strength hold hands and we will push through together i'm taking video games did you have the moment where you literally the give up moment oh yes were you like i'm done i stopped i turned it off and i put a movie on he threw the

controller yeah i was like back in my day mario moved to the right and you bought i jumped and you bought this for yourself oh yeah so this is So this is you bought it. You tried. You failed. Yeah. And then he emailed the company and said, my child downloaded this game. I did not authorize this purchase that needed five passwords. Wow. You've talked me into it.

I'm going to go video games. Mike, are you movies? I mean, I want to believe that part of me still exists, so I will take the video games. What will unlock it for us? A time machine? No, the next great game. We don't have time for good games. There are.

Every couple years, there is a really good game. Get out of here. That's not worth it. A great game. A real, like, you know, maybe two a decade. What was the last thing you played? Red Dead 2. Red Dead 2 was the last

great play through the last of us 2 and i made it through oh you did i played through the witcher 3 which was oh my gosh yeah it gives me that one's tough i get an aneurysm just thinking about booting up the witcher now al we were talking about red dead 2 so much that we got you to buy a ps4 and the game and how far did you get in that one? I played for probably eight hours. Okay. I don't know how far. Do you still have the machine? That would be 0.1% of the way through that game.

Do you still have the PS4? No, I got rid of that. Oh, okay. See, you believe though, right? I've never been much of a gamer at all, but you guys talked me into it. And it was fun, but it was too long. All right. at all but you guys talked me into it it was fun but i'm it was too too long all right um daniel from twitter you are texting and public and public i think it's in public

you're texting and public sounds like a lack of editing yeah nice proofread you are texting in public and not paying attention to where you are not paying attention to this question that you posted in our show doc to where you are walking. Not paying attention to this question that you posted in our show doc. To where you are walking. Would you rather walk into a pole or fall down a small flight of stairs? What? How can this be a question? How small is the flight?

Would you rather bump your nose or break every bone in your body? I'm altering this question. It's three stairs. Would you rather walk? It doesn't matter. That's too money one stair is one step we already we already established we are very old if you misstep on one stair your back is out man it's a curb it's running into a pole or stepping off a curb

that may be worse than the staircase that you don't know is there i was gonna so so i was gonna go walk into a pole or you fall into a fountain. Ooh. All right. Because that's not going to hurt like falling down a small flight of stairs. At this point in time. It's going to be real embarrassing. What I'm looking for here, when I, look, if I'm going to do something stupid at this point in my life, I want the best story. I want to come into work the next day and tell you guys

you won't believe how stupid i am and i think the fountain's funnier the fountain is a much better story but i do stupid things unless i get a welt from the poll oh you're getting one for sure i do enough stupid things i'm not looking for i'm always looking to hide the stories you guys only hear one percent of my story so to me walking in the pole is like that's one you can try to like just nothing happened nothing to see here you know the the whack and then you quickly look around to see if anybody saw and then you just move on have you done that in public where you've walked into something and then you look around and you go oh my gosh i have uh done that it was this was before uh texting and stuff so

there's no phone so i'm like a uh junior high teenager and we're somewhere we're up north where the buildings are a bit older so like somehow there was like an air conditioning unit you know or just there was a low overhang and i I was walking with my friends, and I had my hat on low, and I happened to be just looking at the ground. And everyone else saw it. And ducked. And I went right into it, man. Just bang.

And so that became a legendary story. See, there you go. That was brought up from time. Now, have you walked into another person? Like hardcore? I've never done that, have you walked into another person? Like hardcore? I've never done that. You ever walked into the glass doors? Oh, no.

I've never done that either. Yes, I have. That one is. Like face first? Oh, yeah, because you don't think there's a door there. You're just walking through like a, you think the back sliding door is open. Did your face grease stain the door? How do you play that off you can't

play that the only way to play that off that's a nice door you got there the only way to play that off is to be not seen i mean someone sees it and that's a party you turn around and walk the other way like you meant to be going the other way you probably walk and turn around go the other way because you forgot what you were doing. All right. Let's move forward. Is this real life? All right. This is the segment on the Spitballers podcast where we each share a story

from real life that just doesn't seem like it should be real life. I'll share mine first. Well, let me ask this. Oh, okay. Go ahead. Because my story is like fascinating. My story is not a, it's not a laugher. So if anybody has like a hilarious story, I need to go before you because I don't want to follow up something really funny mine's just like a well go ahead and share yours all right so uh there was a uh woman in portugal what oh my gosh that's the joke oh and okay what's yours uh I thought there were only men there. A new mother, two days after the birth, and her armpit started to hurt. And then a lump was there, and she went into the doctor. After she gave birth?

Yes. Okay. And it increased in pain. It became swollen. And then there was a discharge from her armpit. I don't like this. No, it turns out it was breast milk. This is not an uncommon thing.

A boob pit? Yeah, there was a boob pit. Whoa. The mother was diagnosed with polymastia, which is a condition in which the accessory breast tissue develops along the former embryonic mammary ridge. Like when during the pregnancy and while everything's like hooking up all the wires and all the intricacies of the milk getting ready for the baby. Like almost a bonus or a re. Yes, this was a bonus.

Okay. This wasn't like a change of. But like they're saying that all women, you know, there's like a line or like I don't exactly know because hashtag not a doctor and or a woman or a woman have never given birth. But this is not an uncommon thing. Now, I don't believe an additional area will like grow what is technically mammary gland yeah and the milk will come out of it so that's not fair to her yeah that's that's

not fair to her but i also take i wouldn't drink pit milk i think you know you just got your baby i mean i mean you could do it at least like you know you you could do it in public a little easier I mean, you could do it at least like, you know, you could do it in public a little easier. Look, we all, that's true. We all, we're all dads, right? And like, I don't know if your wife's both breastfed, but like, it can be a really challenging thing where. Yes, it can. We're either like, like not producing enough milk. Like, sure.

If you could produce the pit milk, you'd use it. You hook up the pump to the pump pit. I need to go milk my pits. Now, the only thing that I take umbrage with a little bit here is that they say that is not uncommon. And I feel like that was a lie told to this woman. Because you started this story with a woman in Portugal. So if this is not an uncommon thing, I don't think we have to go to like... Why did it need to be in Portugal?

Yeah, exactly. Because that's where this story was from. Some research suggests that between 2% to 6% of women are born with additional breast tissue. So there's like... But not all of it has a mammary gland, I'm assuming. This is very interesting. That is very interesting. Okay.

That seems like maybe we're trying to hide the people in our country that have this, and we're just saying they're all in Portugal. If you had armpit milk, I mean, that's not something you're- You leave the country. She started here and- Okay. Are you doing yours now? Sure.

All right. I'll go. Mine is a little different. Not quite as scientific and fascinating. This one is just dumb. Florida Man. Oh, yeah. Here we go.

We already know we're off to a good start. Florida Man tries to trade back vehicle he stole. Wait, trade back? Yes. He goes to a- He stole it from a dealer? He stole it from a dealer, but then he wanted a new car. So he comes back with the stolen vehicle to try to trade it in for a new car.

He tried to do the steel return. Yeah. I mean, imagine if someone stole your bike and then was like, dude, oh, I heard you're missing a bike. I'll sell you this one for $200. That's my bike. That's our car, sir. No, it's not.

Sir, there's a number on it. There is a VIN. And that's how it was found. Oh, yeah. But what's really funny about this. Why did you paint it another color? What's funny about this to me is that, so they found it by the VIN. Once they were doing the trade-in, they run the VIN, and they're like, this is our stolen car.

But that would have happened. That would have been flagged at any at any dealers yes like the fact that someone stole a car grand theft auto scene of the crime this is a major major like you're going to prison for a while and you're trying to move this hot car and you take it to a dealership to just try to trade it in how often do you think this happens where it's like yeah yeah this is mine here's the real question if you've done that you've stolen the car you've taken possession of it time has passed and then you go to try to trade it in if you can the dealer just take it? Ooh, like a repo thing? Like a sting operation? You think the guy thinks he's going to get money and they just take the car?

No, I just mean like literally once they find out, when they come back and they go, sir, this is actually the vehicle you stole, can they just possess it? Yes. Or can he claim, like what if he claimed, no, that's my car. You can't have that car. And then he calls the police. Well, I can tell you what happened here. Go ahead, call the police. police well i can tell you what happened here yeah i can tell you where's your title the police came to the dealership how did it go well they arrested the man for grand theft auto and criminal mischief

which oh you don't want to be that criminally mischievous no i mean it was like well we would have just given you grand theft auto but you brought it back to the dealership. Is that a good thing for your rap sheet? The criminal mischief part? I figure you can get some street cred. You get a nice gig. I got GTA on the record, and they're like, what's this? Criminal mischief?

Yeah, that'll get you a better job on your next criminal enterprise. Alright, here's mine. This one's crazy i actually saw this story when it was actually coming out it wasn't that long ago but basically a bride and groom are at the altar congratulations the bride determines at the altar that she's not 100% sure that the groom was completely honest about his education.

And he had claimed, this is a bride in India, in Mahoba, India. And she was concerned that the groom hadn't been honest when he represented himself as basically this college-educated, very smart person. This is like, catch me if you can. And this is like a family. The bride and the family of the bride were kind of concerned about this. So at the altar, she decides to ask him to recite his multiplication tables by two, and he failed.

That's where he got tripped up? Twos? On the twos? By the twos. Bro. It's not even multiplication. Bro, the twos? The twos.

It's just- Now do you blame her for walking away? No. Because she walked away at the altar and they didn't get married. No, look. The nines? No. Because she walked away at the altar and they didn't get married. No, look. The nines? Maybe. Maybe.

We all struggle from time to time with our nines, but the twos. The twos are just, maybe she should have said doubles. And he would have been like, oh, yeah. Yeah, doubles of eight's 16. Twos, what's this? The twos. The problem that I have is that it made it to an altar. Why didn't this come up maybe before planning the wedding

and getting involved? It's part of the sting operation. On the altar in front of their guests, the bride tested the groom's basic math skills. His failure made it clear that they had lied about his education, and she walked off, and the guests were shocked. And family members tried to say, hey, let's save this. It's just his multiplication tables. Well, move to the th were shocked. And family members tried to say, hey, let's save this.

It's just his multiplication tables. Well, move to the threes then. He may not even have gone to school, a cousin of the bride said. So let's say that story's wild. Let's say it goes the other way, though. And this dude, he smashes all the way through his 12s. Like this guy knows his time super impressive does he walk away how do you move forward with with your potential life partner

at the moment of your agreeing he would share your life he would get to handle the finances at that point that would be he would be awarded the finances of the also this is how do you move past that either way yeah this is how do you ready move past that either way yeah this is great news i'm so glad they didn't get married because this thing was doomed this thing was 100 not gonna work out i mean i guess it's better at the altar than like day one day two and she's just doing subtle math quizzes around the house she's like if i had three pairs of shoes how many shoes would i have i mean because a divorce story would have been pretty bad too she would have cleaned house yeah you could oh yeah we're gonna split this 98 to you could have hit that dude with exponentials

and he would have been left with nothing. That's true. She missed her chance. All right. Let's jump into the draft. The Spitballers Draft. Yeah, that's half of everything I have. I get the square root of X of the finances. And he's like, that sounds like a good deal.

All right. We are going to draft the best cheese-based foods. Here we go. There are a lot of them, and they're all delicious. And Jason drafts number one here. We're going to have so much cheese, I ain't never pooping again. I'm going pizza. Oh, what? Yeah. I mean mean come on cheese based foods you gotta you gotta start with pizza it's a classic you can have a million different

varieties tell us about this pizza you speak of if you're if you're listening if you're new and you you're not familiar with pizza it's real real. You can get it just about every corner in the country. I highly about Portugal. Probably. OK. Of course. All right. This is where it gets interesting. Macaroni and cheese. Yeah. Sorry Mike. I wasn't sure where you would go. There are other very very good good choices, and in some ways. I mean, not really, though. As you say, I'm envious of you getting two back-to-back. I feel like mac and cheese was the easy second pick, though.

That was the one that I completely did not think about at all. Is it because cheese is in the name? Apparently. I had made a list of 10, and then afterwards, it was the only thing that I was considering next to the pizza is like man mac and cheese it's really good it's just not a pizza yeah okay thank you um that's its worst quality uh mike all right what are you going so i got the back-to-back picks pizza and mac and cheese i i'm happy i get two powerhouses but i don't know that i have the power to compete with those things so i'll just i'm just gonna go with the heart here and oh but

i don't know what the heart wants mike you're doing it wrong i go with the belly go with the belly all right well uh i mean okay well then the belly wants what the belly wants You know, with the belly? All right, well, I mean, okay, well, then the belly wants what the belly wants. I'm going to start this off with loaded fries. I'll start off with the cheese fries. The cheesy fries. The cheesy fries are a delightful concoction. Now, are you thinking, just out of curiosity, because a lot of places have these, but the one that I think of the most is Sonic.

The one that I think of the most? For a loaded fry? Not loaded. But a cheese fry? Really? Did you know that they make that? Oh, yeah. I get it there.

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. I eat it every Wednesday and Friday. I think of In-N-Out. In-N-Out is my cheese fries. There's cheese on those? You get the animal fries. There's two totally different.

Yeah, you can get animal fries but my kids always get cheese fries. You can just get cheese there. Cheese fries. And is it a melted slice? Yep. And it is famous. Well, that can get animal fries, but my kids always get cheese fries. You can just get cheese fries. Cheese fries. And is it a melted slice? Yep, and it is fantastic. Well, that sounds like something I need to do in an hour. I think of, I don't know why, but it's their plate stuck.

I think of the Outback. Okay. They have cheesy fries? Everybody has an appetizer of loaded fries, but somehow the Outback has just stood out in my memory of their cheese fries are sensational. I'm learning new things. This is a good show. This is such an informative episode. Mike, you have a second pick.

I do, and this is where, man, I'm really, really torn here between two staples. Honestly, two staples. You're struggling. I'm going gonna go with the grilled cheese okay i'll go with the classic all right i didn't have it on my list you didn't have grilled cheese on your list what an idiot we said this in the studio beforehand we're like because we kept thinking of things the more that we thought was like, oh, we're missing this. Yeah. What? Grilled cheese. Grilled cheese.

How is that not on my cheese-based foods? It's right in the name. All right. Great pick. Yeah, it's a great pick. This is troubling because I know I have two that I want, but I know they're not both like, there's no way that they get through Jason. Jason is a master of food drafts and food, and he's going to select one of them. So this is awful. So I'm going to go with.

We need to check the tape. Is Jason really a master of the food drafts, or does he always just have the first pick when it's a food draft? I think that is actually very accurate. Because I think he always has the first pick of food drafts. Because we'll put the polls out. It'll be fun for some giggles. But it's pizza. Pizza wins everything.

So go ahead. Nachos. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm taking nachos. I'm taking the, yeah, I was. I could go cheese fries and nachos. There's a chance that the other one gets through, Jason. I think it will get back to you.

Okay. I don't know what you're looking for, but I'm going my own way here. I wanted to go popular with nachos because nachos are just such a hit. But they're my pick. And they were your pick. You said you had two, so I knew I had a 50% chance of getting nachos, and I lost that fight. So I'm looking at my list here there are so many good things man cheese is good um oh brother hashtag not a sponsor hashtag cheese not a sponsor

big cheese big cheese should be a sponsor listen big cheese if you're out there mr mrs g uh we are totally down to support your product yeah by being financially supported of course yeah um big fan of your product so um yeah so do you think big cheese and big diuretics work together oh that's smart because you eat enough big cheese you're gonna need something to wash that out yeah as they say and is in a big doctor hmm yeah a fair bit cholesterol yeah all right uh you're two picks all right okay illuminati stuff going on here all right i'm gonna go with we've got a couple appetizers here like i view nachos as an appetizer you know you definitely you definitely didn't say appetizer, right? No, I did not. I would never go on. Um, but I'm, I'm going to go with the mozzarella sticks. Okay. That's my, that's the other pick. Yes. Fantastic. Really?

You definitely took it. Look, they, the, the range of outcomes on mozzarella sticks, I'll admit it's wide. You can have delicious ones, and you can have some that are just really good. That are just really good. All right, that's fair. That's really true. Now, do you prefer stick, or do you prefer triangle? Oh, triangle. I thought you were going to say like patty.

Yeah, but all shapes are welcome. Wait, wait, wait. Like a coin. Oh, like a medallion. Like a mozzarella medallion. Yeah, like a medallion of cheese. I don't think I've ever gotten the medallion. That's more common than triangle. What? Jason, you a mozzarella medallion. Yeah, like a medallion of cheese. I don't think I've ever gotten the medallion. That's more common than triangle.

What? Jason, you're the authority on cheese. You eat at fancier places. Fancier places have the medallions. Tell me where I would get this. Whoa, I didn't know I was a rich cheese eater. The only medallion fried mozzarella I can think of is if it comes on a burger. They specially shape it for the burger.

Where are you getting- There's also the rectangles. I've never seen a rectangle. Oh specially shape it for the burger. Where are you getting... There's also the rectangles. I've never seen a rectangle. Oh, yes I have. That's just like a flat stick. Yeah. TGI Fridays used to just smash their mozzarella stick down and act like it was fancy. Okay, so there are varieties

but you're taking it. That's a good pick. For the record, all are delicious. I mean, super good. Well, because the key ingredient is the cheese. Yeah. There is one that is weird. I mean, super good. Well, because the key ingredient is the cheese. Yeah. There is one that is weird. I don't know if you guys, this is very local, but you're listening. Zips.

Have you guys ever had their mozzarella sticks? You love zips. I do, but their mozzarella sticks are stupid. They come- They're corkscrews. No, that's not breaded. The outside is like a spring roll still breezy in phoenix today all right my second pick here my second i was hanging out at 75th of bell you can't imagine what was happening there anyways i want gonna talk for a while about john he does think he's in the show all right um for my second pick um i'm gonna go with the heart over the popular it's the exact

same thing this this is someone else is gonna draft the exact same thing i'm drafting right now they're gonna get the more popular but the clear worse version oh i am taking something that you guys know if we go to a Mexican restaurant I will order every single time and it's basically pizza minus the sauce. I'm taking a cheese crisp baby. Yeah cheese crisp is great

that you took that because that means I can take a cheese quesadilla. All you're doing is flipping it in half and making it smaller and stupid. A cheese quesadilla is so much better. It's so much better. That's what I said. I'm going with the heart and the truth versus popularity and your stupid opinions.

It's not. The quesadilla has more cheese. The quesadilla. How do things get popular? By being more delicious than the other things. The quesadilla has absolutely no more cheese. Oh, it definitely has more cheese. It certainly does.

Okay, not per bread. More cheese certainly does. Okay, not per bread. More cheese per capita. Oh, not per bread. I mean, that's just... Look, per bite is what I care about, my brother. I want my cheese crispy, and that's why I go with cheese crisp. You fold this thing in half,

and you got this soggy, oily, nasty, soft quesadilla. What a terrible pick, Andy. Unfold that thing, leave it in the oven a little bit longer, and have it crispy. You do like a good cheese crisp. You're the one adult man that I know has ordered it around me. I'm definitely eating the cheese crisp. Well, this is fantastic news over here, fellas.

Number one for the turn, I'm going to take a cheese steak. I will take the Philly cheese steak, my friends. Dang it. There's no way that I can nullify that pick. Yeah, because cheese is in the... It's called the cheese steak. You know what else it is in? A cheeseburger. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Next pick. Yeah, see, that one seems really hard. Why? Would you say it's a lettuce-based food? No. Have you ever ordered just a lettuce burger? Hmm. Dang it.

Good comeback. Actually, yeah. I mean, people order hamburgers. You can order a lettuce-wrapped cheeseburger. I order a lettuce burger. A lettuce burger. We're good here Al Cheese based food I thought you were going to go juicy loosey

That'd be a little bit more cheese based It's just It's the exact same thing it's just on the inside And the outside No it's not on the outside Look I'll admit Mike Totally like He went from not feeling like he had picks

to he discovered a new pantheon of picks. Well, I couldn't believe that cheeseburger made it back. So I thought about cheese. I didn't put it on the list because I didn't see it as a cheese-based food, but it's in the name. There is a chance people will vote based on the heavier cheese to everything else ratio. Because there are foods that are more just cheese, like my final pick.

This is not your final pick, by the way. Is it? It is. Oh, I'm done? You're done. You're good. Wrap it up. Mac and cheese, nachos, cheese quesadilla, and I'm going to close it out with the very underrated but very delicious cheese curds. Cheese curds are

wonderful. They are spectacular. They are fried's just in a little circular well i mean technically cheese curds aren't even fried i mean what what they're not oh most cheese curds are not fried they're a bag full of these baked no no they're not even hot they're just so we look at cheese curds and what we And whenever we get cheese curds. They're breaded though, right? No. When you order cheese curds at Culver's or at a restaurant, they are always breaded. They're breaded and fried.

But they don't call them fried cheese curds. They just call them cheese curds. But in reality, Andy is right. A cheese curd is just the inside. And those are delicious. They're unbelievable. I mean, it's just cheese. It's a bag full of cheese curds.

Yeah. You can do some research. So you're saying, technically speaking, a cheese curd is not breaded. Correct. Correct. Correct. Yeah. A cheese curd is just a little lump of cheese.

It's like a nub of cheese. A nub. Good word. Thank you. A nub of cheese. Yeah. Goodness. I have family from Wisconsin.

I mean, Al's over over there he's nodding i mean yeah if you're anywhere in the the what is that the midwest so you're eating cheese curds by the bag full oh yeah have you ever seen people it do they is it look it's a hearty it's a heartier part of the nation oh i don't blame you you got a lot of cheese up there is now you may you may have said it but i was my mind was too busy being exploded do you serve it warm no no cold right out right out of the fridge so it's just it's not the same thing as a block of cheese it really is not how is it how is it different it's because it's little bite size. It's like, you know how you have popcorn shrimp, right? It's like popcorn cheese.

They are moist pieces of curdled milk eaten alone as a snack or used in dishes. Yeah, and you could just pop them in your mouth. But what if I just took a block of cheese and I cut it up? It's not the same. It's really not. Look at the pictures. Like if you were to cube a block of cheddar, you know what I mean? You just cube it about the same size.

They're not the same. Nothing similar. But what changes it? The cheese curds are. It's a younger cheddar. There's a texture difference too. They're a lot softer. They're softer.

They're like squeaky in between. And they're so salty. Squeaky cheese is what they call it. So salty. What makes them soft and squeaky i'm not getting any answers the curd the curd is what makes them uh they call it squeaky normally my my wife would just say give me some squeaky cheese no she does my wife it's called the exact same thing it's called squeaky cheese yeah that's dumb they are you're married to psychopaths it's

just a young cheddar that has not been aged. A young cheddar? It is. Yeah. This is like teenage cheddar. Here's rule number three of cheese curds. Good curds squeak. If your curd doesn't squeak, you're not holding a fresh curd. Oh, man.

Squeaky curd gets the eat. That's what I would say. Squeaky curd gets the eat. Old curds aren't bad, comma. They're just cheese. It's just not as good. Okay. in the ages the babies it's oh no baby cheese yes exactly this is the veal of uh cheese rule number six some some curds are just cheese chunks that's not a rule that's just that's an idea they have a very short shelf life squeaky cheese all right that i mean that's what i'm taking That's not a rule. That's an idea. They have a very short shelf life, squeaky cheese.

All right. I mean, that's what I'm taking. Cheese curds. You know it when you know it. That's great. That's on my list. So it's like you were making cheese, and you're like, I can't wait anymore. I've got to eat this cheese.

You're darn right. Give me that squeaky cheese. Wow. I know I should wait, but man, I'm hungry. All right. So I'm really struggling between two here. The show is so educational. Oh, it really is.

Just for the three of us. Everyone listening knows all this. Man, I'm looking at two different cheese dips here. Okay. Oh, like a con queso? So one of them is queso. I'm trying to decide between queso and fondue here for my final pick. I love fondue. Now, fondue is just hot cheese.

Yes. Oh, yeah. It's melted cheese. It's melted cheese. But it's an experience, too. Also, you can't go to a... If you went to a restaurant and you ordered melted cheese, that would cost $6. But if you order fondue that's 60 you put a zero on the end of that number now it's fondue made of the oldest like

the grandma cheese um we make fondue at home quite often and i make a lot of melted cheese what is that just melted cheese there's a lot i have curd and cheese. You got to put like a, we use a beer base and you got to have some, what's the white powdery stuff called? Not flour. Salt? No, no. Like to keep the cheese from sticking to itself. Corn.

You're on your own here. Corn starch. There it is. Thank you. I'm going to take fondue. I love fondue. Okay. I was considering that or queso and queso is great it's cheese fondue but yes that's great honestly all the fondue restaurants that's the best part bread and cheese oh yeah the dessert is great but stop with the it's funny how many ways that we

dress up bread and cheese as a normal meal oh yeah we yeah. We go and we do. It's mac and cheese, but it's also pizza. But it's also like fettuccine Alfredo. That's just mac and cheese in a different wrapping. Yeah, it's white. That's it. That's the only different. More butter. Yeah.

Look, I'm really proud of this group that cheesecake did not get drafted. It's on my list. And if you guys did a better job, I would have had to get down. You know, a cheese danish. Oh, give me one of those. Oh, man, do I love a cheese danish. I could eat a thousand. Oh, my goodness.

I will never stop. I would never stop eating. They're so good. However many cheese danishes are in front of me is how many I will eat. Yes, I agree, brother. Other things on my list. You had the queso spinach artichoke dip

which is good but it's like it's it's below the other dips um cheese enchiladas i got that on my list is on my list and potatoes are great i got that on my list too yeah yeah cheese dip is the last one like ravioli uh and then i'm a huge fan uh look, my love for a good Chipotle burrito or just whatever, an actual authentic fully stuffed burrito. But you give me just a bean and cheese burrito? Those are very popular with my kids. Those are so good. Bean and cheese burritos get no respect.

They don't. But they are super good, and I will never order one. I will never order it. I will never order it. Let me just bring something up. We're willing to eat cheese quesadillas, yes? Yes. We're willing to eat cheese enchiladas, yes? Yes.

But are we not willing to eat a straight cheese burrito? I'm going to try it. A straight cheese burrito. What's the difference between those three things? What's the difference between a quesadilla and a cheese burrito? It would just be how it's folded. Correct. But nobody eats a cheese burrito.

I feel like the difference. I would get down with that. I'm saying we should. The difference is just the size of the cheese in the middle. You know what? Your ratio of cheese to bread, as my friend eloquently brought forth, I think it might be too cheesy. Although you know what's been too cheesy before is a cheese.

What's the not the pizza, the whole. Oh, a pizzone? Hot pocket. No, a pizzone. A pocket. It's not a pizzone, though. That's the pizza. Calzone.

That's the pizza version. I've had a calzone. i've had a calzone i've had a calzone where i'm chewing a full mouthful of cheese oh down at our local pizza place talk about local this guy he didn't i said a calzone all right we're done let's drive down the 101 what did we learn today you all out there learned a lot about where Jason lives. I learned that Mike has never kicked anything in his life. I learned that cheese curds are baby cheese. I did too.

That is also what I learned. If I learned anything else, I was the one who taught everybody that you can... You can draft a cheeseburger. That's for sure. You can feed a baby from your armpit. I learned that today, and I didn't know you could do that. If everything goes right. You guys want to get some cheese for dinner?

You're darn right I do. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.