Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Polite Honking & A Sporting Goods Battle - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 15, 2022

Spit Hit for September 15, 2022: On today’s show we talk about competing with our children, online reviews, and not moving when the light turns green. We also re-write a bit of history with some well-timed poopy pants. We round the bases on this  episode with a sporting goods store fight to the death. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

On today's spit hit, we talk about, you know, competing with your children, which is, it's something that comes up a lot. How do you, how do you handle those things? Some very historical poopy pants, as well as a draft that includes fighting to the death in a sporting goods store. Stick around and enjoy. what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason how now brown cow? Hey you, hey now. It's my worst ever. No, it isn't.

No, it is not. You are really downplaying some bad scats from the past. That is accurate. I had no finish. There's no finish. I don't know. I like the howl. It felt to me like a plane that was coming down. It hit the runway real real rough landing and then it started to like turn to the right and turn back to the left

but eventually did i land the plane you did land oh welcome to the spitballers podcast we are back again with a great episode. Oh, yeah. So great. Would you rather? That's a great question. And a draft, a battle royale at the end. It's been too long since our last battle to the death.

Our last foray into a draft of killing one another. Oh, it's what it's all about. Yeah. Yeah. We, we just need to find new places to have these battle Royals. That's the important thing.

And, um, I know I'm good for one or two really bad picks and I can't wait to find out what they are. Audience. Uh, you can find us on Instagram, Instagram.com slash spit ballers pod,

YouTube.com slash spit ballers., youtube.com slash spitballers. We appreciate everybody who is leaving us reviews. You should have a battle royale in a small, like in a bathroom. Like in a really small room? Just like a men's room? Right. You can only use things. Where it's like, I'm going to draft the cologne from the counter.

I'll use a watch club. Paper towel. Yeah, we could do one, too, where you try to lose. I mean, we've never done that before. You've got to take the worst out of it. I remember your ride on Lawnmower once upon a time. Hey, if I catch you while you're sleeping. I think you would wake me up.

You still might be able to roll away from it. Anything else going on? Al Borland in the house. What's up, spitwads? Oh, someone's feeling fresh. Someone cleared their throat today before the show. That's good. Would you rather time?

Would you rather? from patreon would you rather lose to your child at madden or thumb wrestling so let me tell you something pretty crazy about my youngest who is now eight years old is uh it's a little thing isaac this now i am i, as of this recording, I am 38 years old. I have 30 years on him. I have, let's say, a lot of pounds on him. This dude is an incredible thumb wrestler, man. Wait, what? We're like even. I thought you were going for mad.

No, we're like dead. He'll win. Like, if I'm not going all out, if I'm just, like, regular thumb wrestling. You hit him with the index finger sneak attack. So I, oh, I haven't done the index. Teach me, Mike. What is the index finger sneak attack? Well, in most circles, it's considered cheating.

Oh, that's fine in my circle. Which is right up. You just, so you got the thumb up, right? You just get the index finger. You swoop it in, and then you clasp the thumb down. So my normal move. But you have to say sneak attack oh otherwise it is cheating yeah now it's just a funny gag yeah okay i got it it's like it's like if you hit if your uh your shot goes in and you hit it went off the backboard and you didn't call glass right this

doesn't count yeah okay that makes sense my normal loud my normal go-to in thumb wrestling when i'm thumb wrestling with children is which is rarely happening that's it we're doing this right now um no is the is the is the like the the taunting the like i'm putting my thumb right down there you know and then i get the i get the thumb out of the way because you're so stupid, you little kid. You thought you were going to win. You thought you were going to win. But I can't do that with him.

If I put my thumb there. He can hold it? His thumb is. How strong are his hands? Well, it's not a matter of pure strength, right? I think I could rip free. I think it is. It's a matter of speed.

He covers my thumb so quick. I really want you guys to thumb wrestle. Can you rip free or not? You said you couldn't get it out. Maybe I have to leave the child. Maybe this is a me problem. I have no problem losing at Madden. To me, losing at Madden is, that is the stage of life I'm in,

where I am going to slowly devolve as a video game player. My kid will know the buttons that I don't know. And, you know, not saying I do lose at Madden, but I have. And he enjoys it very much. Yes. My son, he had a game where he beat me once and i never heard the end of it yeah but he also man he hates losing he really yeah does he do the third quarter turn it off uh will he finish a game that you're blowing him out he has asked and i i do not allow the reset okay i don't know i am

a full pick up the sticks You will finish the game. You will take this beating. My son, we had one game where he did that, and it was because on the first play of the game, I scored a touchdown, and then I kicked it to him, and he fumbled the kickoff, and I ran it in for a touchdown. So it was a back-to-back touchdown, and he's like, yeah, you win.

We're starting a new one. If we're at the very beginning of the game, and it gets out of hand fast, fine, I'll reset it. But if we're already in the second half, no, you will play until the clock hits zero. This is such a tough question for the three of us because we're so hyper-competitive. It's just not okay to lose. And it's one of those things where we recognize. We recognize mentally it is okay to lose

it is okay it's a lesson you want to learn how to lose as much as you want to learn how to win as a parent i want to teach how to lose dignified absolutely it's how it's how they say you should do it but yeah i can't teach that lesson but then what exactly once you're in it once you're in the competition due to never losing and yesterday i'm playing a game. I think there's a broader question here I'm going to ask. But yesterday I'm playing a game of Rocket League. A lot of people play Rocket League. I'm playing with my two kids. We start the game and I tell the kids, I say,

you guys be nice to each other. Because sometimes they're snippy at each other. Like you didn't make the... Because we're all on the same team. Right. So if somebody screws up, you screw it up for everybody. So I tell them, I say, you guys be nice. If you're not nice to each other in this game, we're turning it off. Once we gave up one goal, I'm snapping at both of them like, you missed that play.

You just did. Don't drive into me. Do you want to be on this team or not? But here's the broader question I'm going to expand it to that I think is more interesting. Would you rather lose at something mental first to your kids? Because your kids are going to pass you. Do you want to lose at something physical or something mental?

That's the way I take this. Like, do you want to lose that one-on-one basketball game to your kid? Or do you want to lose the intelligent type of. What, like Othello? Well, no. No, I just mean like. Well, which one would Madden fall into? Because that's not really a physical.

It falls into the mental. That's what I mean. Like, you're losing. You are being outsmarted versus out physical. Then I would rather lose the mental game. Because I want to be able to physically dominate. You know what I mean? Like, I want them to go for that shot at basketball and just watch a volleyball spike right back to the ground. I want to wrestle you know we and and i know the day will come where like maybe we'll wrestle and they can

even hold their own you know we're on the trampoline or something and it's like oh we're kind of fighting where it's like oh that i like being able to just be like you know i'm a sumo wrestler and you're a baby. So I'm going to pick the physical there. Yeah. Okay. Mike, thumb wrestling or mad? Mad. Okay.

Brian from Patreon, would you rather buy a product that has a rating of 4.1 out of 5 stars by 2,500 reviewers or 4.8 out of five stars by 25 reviewers? This is actually an important question. Yeah, because this is everywhere. This is real life. This is like we deal with this all the time. And I know for sure my answer without a shred of doubt. I have mine as well. Do you have your answer, Andy?

I think so. Okay. Because you throw that bull crap small sample size, you get that out of you have your answer, Andy? I think so. Okay, because you throw that bull crap small sample size, you get that out of my face. Oh, really? That's too small. Oh, I know how the game works on Amazon and these places with reviews. 25 reviews? How many employees? How many employees are at that business?

I think that is what it comes down to is the quantity of reviews. When do you decide that it is a statistical enough? Hundreds. It's got to be 225. But no, they have the verified purchase thing on there. Yeah. Do you buy that? Yeah.

See, 25 to me when I first heard it. 25 on Yelp, I'm in. 25 on Amazon, it's on the border. Okay, so that is a difference because Yelp, I mean, honestly, who leaves a Yelp response? Angry people. Angry people leave Yelp responses. People who have had bad days, people who should not be leaving reviews, and they just want to be turds. I've done a positive Yelp review was when I've been asked to.

It's not out of the goodness of my own. Like, I'd get home from someplace. I'm like, I'm going to go on Yelp and say it tasted good. That place was pretty nice. I need to go tell the world. Did they give you, like, the 10%? Yeah, they gave me the, well, like, if they're over and above and they say, hey, if you don't mind, you know, it's more like HVAC places or something. But now have you seen.

Not a restaurant. See, now I feel like, so I'm all in on the 4.1 out of 5 on 2500 reviews right you feel safe you feel confident but i feel like they're we are getting to the point now with gaming the system where too many thousands of reviews like we got a product that was super well reviewed and when we open the box and we get it out they have like this card in there that's like we'll give you a free ten dollars towards this thing yeah for a review so they're just straight buying and everybody's reviewing that it's great if i see something that's like that 4.1 with that many reviews i genuinely look at like the the one stars i click over to one star i want to see what the complaints were

and then i might go to the like the fours to see what what was the drawback what's the on it like somebody leaves a four review that's a critical review like you're thinking about doing four instead of five sometimes although I you know we we deal with reviews and sometimes we get like this is this is the best show ever it really got me through some tough times this is absolutely absolutely amazing. I laugh out loud. Three stars. This is my favorite podcast. I was like, what? You clicked wrong. That has definitely happened.

That has happened a lot. That's a mistake touch. You can't possibly find a better show. Three stars. Yeah, I don't know why that happens. But the samples, it is hard. Because we all actually want someone to tell us that something's good. When you look for things, I look to my friends. Does anybody know a realtor? Does

anybody know a dentist? Does anybody know a chiropractor? With the friend sample size, it's only got to be one or two people. And it's powerful, right? Very powerful. You feel a responsibility. When I refer something to you, and funny enough, this just happened with my mom, that we were talking about, okay, well, maybe we might need to get our house repainted, you know, whatever, we're going to look at that. And she said, well, I had someone paint my house recently. They were fantastic. They went up and above.

Yeah, that means a lot. So if you ever want to get a repayment, let me know. Well, my sister took said referral. And then, so completely unprompted, the power of the responsibility is so strong. She came to me and said, okay, your sister took the referral for these pain people, and they've been awful. They've been awful to her. So I had completely forgotten about it,

but she felt such a strong responsibility that she referred somebody that she had to retract the referral. Remember when you guys referred me to like a windshield tinting person? Oh, yeah. He was excellent. Yeah, he was great. He was great for me, Mike. How about you?

Oh, fantastic. Multiple times. How'd it go, Andy? It wasn't as good for me, Mike. How about you? Oh, fantastic. Multiple times. How'd it go, Andy? It wasn't as good for me as it was for you guys. Oh, that's a shame. But it is funny how I'd rather go with that than do the research of random, like 100 random people could be manipulated. I think we are trained now to know that you can ask your friends, family, pay some people

in a warehouse to give you reviews somewhere. And it means a lot to have friends recommend something. Duff in the streets. All right. Cousin Vinny from the website. Would you rather always have to sit idle for 20 seconds when the light turns green? Oh, man. Oh, gosh.

Or always have to drive 10 miles an hour under the speed limit. Oh, this is awful. I mean, I already know the loophole here. I wonder if it'll be permitted. Can I have my hazards on? Sure. Yeah, you can have your hazards on. Okay, I'm going to right lane hazards on for the entire drive.

I don't care only about annoying other people. What is happening with your water bottle? Is your water bottle leaking on the bottom? It sure is. I asked for a water bottle mid-show from Al Borland, who heroically rescued me. I am now soaking wet. There's a big old crack at the bottom. Squeeze it.

Did you make sure to say not punctured? It's just dripping. It's just a solid drip. Wow. Yeah, your laptop. Look at your laptop. My laptop's all wet. My phone's all wet. Covered Wow. Yeah, your laptop. Look at your laptop. My laptop's all wet. My phone's all wet. Covered in water. I mean, oh, my gosh.

It is covered in water. Yeah, no, there's a lot. This is a problem. Al, you have to come on set now with a towel. That's what has to happen. There's an electrical issue. Ooh, we get to see Owl? Yeah.

No, no, we got to shut that down. This is incredible audio. Just put a censored box over his, just over the bottom half of his face, because I do feel like it's a home improvement situation. No, it's fine. I can just do the show like this. We're good. Holding the laptop in the air.

I'm going to hold the laptop up in the air. So I'll have my hazards on in the right lane, and I want people to speculate. I have a towel now. I want people to speculate as to what's wrong because when you have hazards on, anything could be wrong. When I see people with hazards, I like to believe that someone in there is giving birth soon. Oh, man, you've got to drive fast. Oh, that's true.

That's true. You do have to drive fast. Well, they're mid-birth, though. So you've got to drive slow to make sure it's steady. I would pull over. If you're mid-birth at that point, it's happening. What is the advantage of a slow drive? You've got to get to the hospital still.

Slowly. If you're getting to the hospital still. Slowly. If you're getting to the hospital, get there. Hazards on. Go 100 miles an hour. Probably not 100 because we still want to arrive at the destination. So this one is. I got no drink. I have no drink.

And wet pants. And wet pants. That's right. and wet pants that's right the idea of sitting at a light for 20 seconds do you know how many honks

every single stoplight you'll be honked at then you throw the hazards on again the only time you won't be honked at is when there isn't anybody behind you that is it I am one of those not honkers you're a not honker? honked at is when there isn't anybody behind you. That is it.

Because, I mean, look, I am one of those not honkers. You're a not honker? I'm a not honker. The light goes green and they're sitting there. I'm a for sure honker. I am definitely a honker. I'm a polite honker. I do everything. How does one politely honk?

Oh, you got to do a real soft double tap. No, that's true. That's true. Because there's a difference between a beep and a honk. You can mess it up, though. If you're not delicate, you can give them like the like you want to get out and be like, that was way over the top. I'm very sorry.

That's on me. That's on me. I'm a very polite honker. I don't know what happened. Right. You need a second. You need a second button is what they need. They need the like insulting honk and like politely.

I've actually thought that before. I've genuinely thought that like I wish there were two. There's the honk for politely. I've actually thought that before. I've genuinely thought that I wish there were two. There's the honk for an emergency, and then there's a honk for a heads up. The emergency is the ah-oo-ga, ah-oo-ga, right? Yeah, something like that. But I will try my best to let the person figure it out and it out and drive and it it really i toil inside because i want it i want to honk immediately but i'm not going i'm like come on let's go you know and then and then i don't know what my internal clock is but i don't think i would ever make it

to 20 seconds no at some point i'm going to honk the nicest old ladies i'm a quick honker yeah and i don't i don't think you're polite. I'll bet you're just a... No, no, no. I'm polite on that one, but it's quick. I don't give you... I give you a second. Wow.

How about you, Mike? If it's obvious you don't have attention on the light, I'm going to wake you up. I'll go about five seconds. Oh, fine. Where I will wait. You might get honked at in that situation. Yeah, maybe. Can you honk at somebody to honk at somebody oh man oh that's okay now mr polite honker you're you're you're multiple cars back yeah are you still initiating the honk uh one car between i will otherwise

otherwise no there's a one car rule there's a one car rule the same timeline because i'm putting the responsibility on who's in front of me. I believe in a society that works together. Yeah. Do you double the time? Because now you- I do double the time. You have to allow the car in front of you to notify the car in front of them. That's true.

But doubling the time for this guy is now only two seconds. He's like, one 1,000 truck. That's fair. I will do a punitive honk. Oh. I will do a honk because you've got emergency honks, but then you've got like I'm out of the danger, but you did something wrong and you need to feel it. And I will punitive honk like on the way by.

Like if someone was coming to cut me off. Oh, yeah. And the honk could alert them, but then I'll sit on it. Oh, really? Because I want you to know, I want everyone around me to know that you made the mistake. But that's completely different. Yeah.

Yes. If someone cuts me off, it's loud and proud. It's loud, proud, and a little bit longer. They're getting the business. So a polite honk, have you ever gone toot, toot, toot? Like if you go to three honks. Yeah. Is it still polite?

No, that goes insulting. Yeah. Is a beep, beep more polite than a single beep? I think so. I don't think so. Not every car can do a beep beep. Some cars, the honk is too hard. I feel like a two honk is an intent of like, please go. But if one, I don't know, somehow one feels more jerky.

It does. It does. It does. Unless you can have a soft ending to the honk, which I don't know if you can do. Well, here's what I know is happening to me on the basis of this question. I am getting honked at because I will not spend my life driving 10 miles under the speed limit. And here's what I'm going to do. When I get honked at and finally I can go, they're going to see that my bad and I am gone. That's what I was going to ask you.

I'm going zero to 100 as fast as my car can. Are you screeching on the turn? They will never see me again. But the problem is when it's a 20-second light. 20 seconds is the whole light. Yeah, you're done. You're sitting there. You're never leaving the light.

I'm waiting. It goes yellow. 20 seconds. See ya. And then they're stuck. They're stuck there. That're never leaving the line. I'm waiting. It goes yellow. 20 seconds. See ya. And then they're stuck. They're stuck there. That's a real jerk move. Have you ever intentionally done that to someone?

I tried to do it to Andy a couple weeks ago. No, I'm saying that you've been, because I've 100% thought about it. I have never executed. Oh, like punishing the person behind you? Yeah, because they were riding your tail. Someone is tailgating you for no good reason. There is an open lane. They could pass you if they want.

I feel like if somebody tailgates for no reason, they're the ones that are going to shoot you. And there is no chance that they don't follow you through. You can wait until that thing's red. That's true. And now it's a problem because now it's tit for tat. They're like, okay, okay, let's do this. I like Jeremy's Al Borland suggestion here.

You got 20 seconds. You can get out of your car. You can pop the hood, act like you're looking at something. Oh, yeah. I mean, you got 20 seconds, and then you get back in right around 18, 19, and then you step on it. Wow, good, efficient repair work in 20 seconds. Hop out the car, act like you're throwing up.

But they can't tell. They're like, I think he's sick, but I don't. And then you point at your stomach. Yeah, and then you're like, ooh. What if you just danced? I would totally accept it. If I'm the car behind, I'm all about that. You used to do that as a stupid teenager?

Oh, yeah, the fire drill? Yeah. Yeah, you get out and you just run around the car? We were idiots. Yes. Man, I would hate people that did that right now. I'm that old. All right, it is time for a quick break, and then that's a great question.

That's a great question. All right, what would be the worst buy one, get one free sale of all time? This is good. Wow. I feel like I need to put some thought into this. Yeah, this is a deep question. Bogo. I mean, it's got to be something you need one of. I mean, you literally, like a stove.

Right. All stoves are BOGOs. I mean, I guess you could find a friend. Yeah. Yeah, then you could go in on it. So that's not the best. Yeah, that's not the best. That's a good deal.

That's a good deal. Like a toilet would be in this. I mean, I'll just replace both toilets. Yeah. A coffin? You know, it's like, ooh. A coffin. A BOGO coffin? You want to go in on this with me someday you're gonna need it you're gonna have to store it to store a coffin what is that in your garage oh that's uh that's aunt judy's coffin she's alive we got a killer deal

wow yeah what about a same dayday-use haircut, Bogo? You got to use it on the same day. I don't want much off the top right now. I'm going to come back in a couple hours. I don't think that would be worth much. Surgery? Buy one, get one free surgery? Yeah.

I mean, that's a pretty good deal in the plastic world. That's true. Yeah. But not as good on the appendix. No. surgery yeah i mean that's a pretty good deal in the plastic world yeah that's true yeah um but not as good on the appendix no like but but i'm like i'm getting some sweet caffeine plants and i get a bogo man if you could get if you could get that bogo to somebody else would you would you do a preemptive oh hold up i've got a great question okay on your thought right there. If we had to get one thing of plastic surgery, we have to. What do we individually choose?

You, Andy, you, Mike, me, Jason. That's a great question. That is a great question. I have to have plastic surgery on something. Shoot. So now all of our self-conscious flaws of 38 years of life. I already...

That's what made me ask this. I lost it out there. I have super tiny calves. Oh, you would get calf implants. Yeah, you gotta get those. Yes. I'll get the calf implants. But then you'd be a dude with calf implants. But you wouldn't know. Calf implants look good. Yeah, no one would know.

Is this a man who's speaking from experience? Well, I have seen calf implants, and yes, so I'm speaking from experience. Doesn't your father have killer calves? No, I do. calf implants. And yes, so I'm speaking for father have killer calves. No, I do. My calves are amazing. Jason has monster calves. But that's because they have to carry a lot of weight.

I thought you were going to. They're always working out. They're all. Exactly. All calves are always working out. Some more than others. Right. It doesn't matter the length of working out I could put into my lower body.

My calves will have a maximum capacity. Mine would have to be lipo. Just suck some of the fat out. We didn't want to say it. No, I mean, but like, can you just like, you know, take the belly fat and then say goodbye? Like, that's it. That's it. That's all I want.

Can you do that? I feel like that's dangerous around the belly that's all i want can you do that i feel like that's dangerous around the belly because there's a lot of organs i'll leave this to um the spit wads like just go to youtube and tell me what i need done oh this is gonna be a fun comment section i need to know i like oh is my nose too pointy i mean i've always been a little self-conscious of how pointy my nose is oh man i can't get can't wait for the comments on this. Okay. This is a roast me. This is a roast. Well, make sure. I mean, I know I probably need more than one procedure.

Look straight at the camera. Make sure they can see all sides. Give me right here. Give me right here. Yeah, I mean, we got to make sure that they can really judge effectively what should Andy get for plastic surgery. Okay. I mean, you guys are thinking about it right now.

I am. I know you are. You're darn right. I mean, I've thought about it for years. I'm just thinking you're going about it right now. I know you are. You're darn right. I mean, I've thought about it for years. I'm just thinking you're going to be really unhappy when those comments come in. Can you get, you know, it's funny as I was telling, I don't know who it was, that, oh, it was like my barber. And I was saying like everybody from this like COVID generation are all going to have their ears pulled forward because we've worn masks forever.

You'll know who went through the COVID pandemic because everybody's ears will be out in front of you. What? You think it actually is doing that? Not really. If you wear a mask constantly, half the masks are too tight and they pull your ears forward and you look stupid. Anyways.

Now the world will roast me. So that's perfect. They absolutely will. All right. I think we exhausted the but. Yeah, the coffin. I think the coffin is the right answer. If you had to choose one person from all of human history to crap their pants at a time

so as to change the course of history as much as possible, who would you choose and at what moment? This is the best question we've ever had moment so this is somebody important in human history they crap their pants at an important time and it would change the course of history yeah I mean the first thing that comes to my mind is like I have to believe that if right before the assassination of J.S.K. I was gonna say Lincoln you're like oh no I crapped my pants. He probably moves. Here's the thing.

Wait, is Lincoln crapping his pants or is the assassin? No, Lincoln is. Oh, okay. Because JFK is in a motorcade, right? Oh, yeah. If you crap, maybe you tell them to go faster, but I feel like if you're JFK, you're sticking it out. So wait, if you crap your pants, you can avoid being assassinated.

That's the message. Well, because Lincoln was watching the show in the theater, out so wait if you can avoid being assassinated that's the message well because lincoln was sitting he was watching the show in the theater and then booth came up behind him what if he had crapped his pants two minutes earlier and now he's in the bathroom for who knows how long trying to figure out like i'm old timey pants all the stuff that they used to have to wear you gotta buckle what if he just comes back the next day? You got to crap your pants a lot. Yeah, but then maybe Booth is rethinking it. He comes to his senses.

He's standing there. I think he could probably have killed him in the bathroom, though. No, but here's the thing. You sneak up. Abe was a big guy. Abe was tall. He had range. So you're talking about.

Little cabs, though. Oh, yeah. He needed that work, but it was just a little too early for his timeline, or he would have done it. But look, if Booth comes up behind him, he's got him. But you're not facing forward when you're in the stall. You're also thinking of a very modern bathroom. What do you mean you're not facing forward in the stall? How do you sit on the toilet?

Well, I don't straddle it. I'm sitting on it normal, looking away. Oh, you're saying you're not staring at the wall. Exactly. Oh, I thought you were saying the opposite of that. I'm saying Booth can't come in behind him. What kind of bathrooms do you think they had? What kind of bathrooms did they have? I don't know. I think Booth was the kind of

guy who would have been willing to shoot a man on the toilet. I'm just saying you wouldn't have been able to succeed. Abe was a scrappy fighter. By all accounts, he was. Yeah. By all accounts. By whose accounts?

There are stories of Abe Lincoln being a fighter. So many. He was a boxer. Who were some of the people he fought? He fought bullies. The great Bill Douglas. And a lot of Irish fighters back then. Okay.

He was a bare knuckle guy, though. Yeah, you're darn right. With the arms outstretched. Well, he was a vampire, too, right? Isn't that what the lore says? Oh, yeah. Wasn't there a movie? There was Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

Hunter. Yeah. He wasn't a vampire. He hunted them. Right. Well, this is getting off the rails. Was John Wilkes Booth a vampire? He was. Is that the problem. Yeah. He wasn't a vampire. Oh, he hunted him. Yeah. Right. Well, this is getting off the rails. Was John Wilkes Booth a vampire? He was.

Was that the problem? Yeah. Anybody else that isn't being assassinated where a really bad crappier like, is there a speech that could have gone wrong? Like something said in a speech that would have changed the course of history. All of human history to crap their pants at a time so as to change the course of history as much as possible. I mean, there's got to be, I don't know which speech you would go to, but while he was like, while he's coming up.

You know, look, he's been on this show before. What if the Wright brothers pooped right before they took off? Do they ever, do we get to? I think we still get flunked. Yeah, they'll do it tomorrow. But if Hitler, when he doesn't have a following, and he's trying to talk to people, he poops his pants, and they're like, oh, there goes poopy pants Hitler.

Yeah, he's never going to rise to the top. But it's like, that dude grabbed his pants last time he was on a stage. That's true. That's pretty good. I was thinking, what about the father of Einstein right before, you know, it's like, you're not going to make an Einstein if you poop your pants. You know what I mean? Oh, you're trying to negatively impact history.

I was trying to. I don't think I want to go down this road with you. All I'm saying is. I'm going to retreat to the sidelines. It changes the course of history because then you're taking a person away. Right. Thanks for that. You're welcome.

Thank you very much. You can find yourself on a version of Earth that's never heard music. You have the complete catalog. What's the first piece of music you introduce humans to? Ooh. So you are on a version of, you're on Earth earth but no one's ever heard the most important catalog the first piece of music it's hard for me not to go to like bach or something like that's what i think you have to figure out where to start i i don't know what i was doing

but i was just having one of my ridiculous deep thoughts where i was listening to music and then uh it's a good podcast name and listen ridiculous deep thoughts we I was listening to music and then uh and it's a good podcast name and listen ridiculous deep thoughts we should we should hop on uh but and then and then thinking about classical music and how you needed all of those transitions in in the way that music was played and then the next generation heard it they they changed it a little bit and then somehow you start at classical music and now we have the Nordic death metal and we have EDM and we have all this

music, but it wouldn't have existed if someone didn't play on a harpsichord. So you would both go classical? I don't know if I'd go classical. I think I'd go with something... I think so. I don't know if I go classical. I think I go with something. I think I go like Beatles.

Really? You think people who have never heard music are ready for Beatles? I think so. I do. Maybe that's my naivety because I've heard music before, and I can't put myself in the situation of this hasn't existed. But if that has never existed, you've never experienced it, and a catchy hook comes on that can get stuck in your head,

you're like, what about this? Too much disarray for me. Too much disarray. You're going poppy, Beatles. Oh, absolutely. Got to have a mad hook. I think they might give up on music if they heard Beatles right out the gate. I feel like I just want to give people something real chill.

Row your boat. Got it. Yes. No, just like some good lounge, just relaxing music. Okay. Okay, this is interesting. Elevator music? Elevator music?

I thought you were going to go to the MASH theme song for a second. Yeah, the MASH theme song. That's the answer. What's the best Beatles song? Eleanor Rigby. No, I think you're right. Here Comes the Sun's not even a Beatles song. That's just a George Harrison song.

He wrote it, but it's a Beatles song. Is it Beatles? Yeah. Oh, okay. I got to jump in. I knew Brooks would correct me if I were wrong. I gotta jump in, guys. Past their early stuff, they cover so many different types of genres and things.

But could you pick one song that you feel like would represent music as an introduction, though? The whole catalog makes more sense to me. I would struggle with one song. But it would be hard with one song, huh? Yeah. Literally a weird amount of like Yellow Submarine or something.

I might change to Lose Yourself. Can we agree that Yellow Submarine is just a bad song? I will even jump in. Okay, thank you. That song sucks. Do we have time for one more great question, Al, or do we want to move right into our draft? We got time.

All right. Well, now I have to decide between two of these. And they're both great questions. All right. What would 12-year-old you never believe about adult you? Ooh. Oh, probably that I'm fat. Oh, my God.

I mean, you just don't think it's going to happen to you. I was so skinny, ran cross country, basketball team. Oh, we are peeling it back. I mean, I'm just thinking like, what would I not believe? It's like, oh yeah. Because here's the thing. My mom was overweight. And I remember thinking like, I will never let that happen to me.

I was a liar. I mean, I was such a liar. Because you know, oh, if you start to get overweight, you'll just, you know, diet and exercise and fix it. It's like, that's hard. So I think that's mine. What do you think about you, Mike? Because I'm guessing 12-year-old Mike had, you know, great big deep thoughts. Yeah, well, 12-year-old me would never believe that I'm married with children.

Because those are two things that I was never going to do. You just watch the show. When did it... Was your transition to wanting that from life, right? Like, I've got my nine-year-old. It's like, it's so far... Like, there's no chance he's ever going to have, you know, a family, be a dad, none of that stuff. Ew, ew, ew.

Was it a slow process for you to get there or was it like you woke up one day and you went you know what it was everything i thought about life is completely different it's super cheesy but it's just when i met my wife oh i was like okay i could marry that yeah look i'm. I better lock this down. You know what? Well, that's actually a good story, though. Yeah. That's very sweet. Your wife converted you from being a hermit.

Yes. That was a lot cooler then. Single, never having kids guy. Yeah, not anymore. No, I know what Andy's would be, but I'm curious what you would say it is. Honestly, I didn't have a good answer. I thought maybe that I wasn't in the NBA. Oh, that's...

Hey, man, I'm 12. That is the exact opposite. That is the exact opposite of my answer, which is that you're tall. Because... No, that's the right answer. As 12-year-old Andy, and I would say as 15-year-old Andy, you were as short as... As they come. Were there shorter kids in our high school than boys?

I told this story the other day. I legitimately had people think I was given a tour of the high school when I was a freshman. People thought I was a younger grade school kid getting a tour. And I'm telling you, my freshman year of high school was so bad because it's when I convinced my mom to let me get contacts. So my eyes were so bloodshot because I wasn't adjusting to contacts. I was so short. I had bloodshot eyes.

People thought I was a high sixth grader. Just crying. Crying all day. And people told me, because I'm over six too, people told me you'd be tall one day because of my family. And I said, you're a liar and I don't care what you say. I want to be tall right now. And I was the shortest kid in my class. Yeah, that is 100% right.

We had 4,000 kids at our school, and I think you were the shortest. And it made the decision that I made to not be in the NBA easier when I was so short making that decision. That's not on you. That wasn't your fault. Just a little sooner, and I wouldn't be here, guys. Just imagine. All right.

I think that will do it. We're going to move on to our draft, but first a quick break. The Spitballers Draft. All right. A sporting goods store. We are in a sporting goods store. We are once again facing one another in a battle to the death. Now, there is a rule here in place for this very important battle,

and that is we're not able to select weapons. You know, sporting goods stores, they have weapons. They have rifles and bows and knives. So you have to choose something that's in the sporting goods store that isn't used as a weapon. Right. To hunt boars. So no spears, Jason that isn't used as a weapon. Right. To hunt boars. So no spears, Jason. That's a shame.

Since they sell so many of those these days. I have the first pick. Oh, no. Is that the oh, no? Yeah. Well, I'm sitting here at this table. I knew you had the first pick. Did you?

Yes, but I thought I had the second. But now I'm seeing this. I'm the third pick okay all right uh and this is tough i have no 101 jumping out at me and i have a i have i have a 101 that i'm thinking could get back to me interesting and that Interesting. That's kind of the worry here. That's psyching me out. To me, there's a clear 101 and a clear 102 and then another object that I really want. Outside of those

three things in my mind, I have nothing. I'm going to go with... I'm going to take the chains. We'll see if you guys usurp me. I want you mentally on edge for these next few picks thinking that I'm going to go with, I'm going to take the chance. And we'll see if you guys usurp me. And I want you mentally on edge for these next few picks, thinking that I'm letting something go. I currently am. Okay, good.

I will go with the baseball bat. Yeah, that's the one I want. Because that's the number one pick. Well, there you go. I'm taking a baseball bat. What a genius I am. We will still play out the draft. Yes.

But you could just, the polls are done. Oh, no. I think there's a lot of options here. I got some ideas. You thought the baseball bat was so far and above the number one? I mean, it is, like, literally a bludgeoning device. Like, it's made to hit things and not break. It's lightweight.

You're not going to get tired swinging it. That's true. What a great pick. Honestly. Yeah, I mean. I'm amazed. I thought it was a layup, and it was. There you go.

Well, I'm taking the baseball bat. All right. That was good. Okay. So I'll be so happy if you don't. Well, whatever you want, Jason, I will say you're going to get it because right before the show started, I had this awesome magical list, and then my computer said it didn't want to work, so I'm over here. right before the show started, I had this awesome magical list.

And then my computer said it didn't want to work. So I'm over here. I thought you got the great memory. I'm over here. Well, I know what I was going to go with. Like, I remember a couple of them. So I'm going to need a weapon that is good for swinging. Yeah. It's a good bludgeoning device. and it's got some spear qualities to it.

I know what it is. I can keep some distance with people. I'm going to take a hockey stick. Yep. Okay. Okay. All right. Well, that's good.

All right. I'm happy here. I'm in a good spot. So you're getting two of the three things that you want. I'm getting two of the three things that I want. But the hockey stick did come to mind. And really, we're all going to be somewhat near even here with our first three picks. Bludgeoning. You got the baseball bat.

Yeah. You got the hockey stick. And I'm taking a nine iron. Yeah, that's a good pick. Those are a little bit thicker and won't break in the middle as easily. No, that's fine. What? Those things are breaking.

That could break. Yeah, breaking over your head because I'm crazy. They're also short. Yeah, well, I mean, how long is a baseball bat? I respect the pick. It's going to hurt, Mike. It's going to hurt to get hit with the one time before break. It definitely will, but I'm just saying he's not going to be able to hit me

because I will have a hockey stick and I will poke him in the face. All right, Mike is not a fan of your pick. Okay, well, he will not be a fan of my pick even more when it strikes him. I will also take the eight iron. A driver. All right, so I am going to take – He takes four golf clubs. No, I'm going to take a football uniform, man.

Are you kidding me? Hit me with the baseball bat. I don't care. I got pads and a helmet. I'm good to go. That answers my question then because I didn't take this and I wasn't sure if it was going to

be allowed. If you're taking an outfit, I will take catcher's gear. Okay. Okay. Alright. Which is far more protection than just... No, it is not. Since you both made the picks, let me break it down in an unbiased

fashion. Okay. You have more all-around protection, Jason. Mike, you're more front-centric. I mean, you hit a catcher in the back, the catcher's going down. Hold on. what do you think is in a football uniform? My helmet protects my head all the way around. Okay. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

The catcher's mask goes on the front of the helmet, and so you've got some access points. Okay, I'm not worried about the back of my head, so you have shoulder pads and a helmet. I have something covering my entire face, my entire chest, I have elbow pads, I have shin pads. No, I'm covering my entire face. Yeah, that's true. My entire chest. I have elbow pads. I have shin pads. He's kind of right.

No, I'm covering my... You've got legs. You've got the... Mike's chest is more covered than yours. Football players don't wear anything on their legs. Oh, yeah, they do. What? A whole uniform.

They don't wear... They wear real tight pants. They have pads on their... They've got pads on their thighs. You need... They do. They 100% do. Some of them do, but you need to.

Okay. All right. Well, Mike is very competitive here. Yes. He's feeling a little desperate without his list. All right. And he's coming at you. This is very interesting to me because I would definitely,

like if you put these two things next to each other and said, because they're very comparable, you said hockey stick and catcher's gear or a nine iron and a football uniform. You guys would be fun to watch attack each other. I would, without a doubt, take the football and golf club. But it sounds like you would, without a doubt, take yours. So this is very interesting in the polls. It doesn't matter, Jason.

We've already lost to the baseball. Well, look, my actual 101 is still here, and it's my pick. Okay. Also, I lost to the baseball. Well, look, my actual 101 is still here, and it's my pick. Okay. And so- Also, I am out of picks. That's it. Yeah, I have no idea. Look, a sporting goods store is filled with gear for hikers and climbers.

And so I am going to take a climbing tool. Now, I'm sorry it's called this, but I'm taking an ice axe. I'm taking the actual tool used to climb in the winter. This is my actual 101 because that is a tool used for literally hacking into ice, although your bodies are a nice substitute for me. Okay. So I'm going to go with an ice axe as my second pick.

At least we have some armor. Yeah, that's right. You do have some. You both have a little bit of armor for these. And then I don't know if I want to go another bludgeoning tool. I feel like I need to be more well-rounded. You guys have more protection than I do, right? You're both

you have some pads. So I'm going to have to go with some I'm going to have to go with some... I'm going to have to go with an outfit. And I don't have pads. So you need to not be able to see me. I'm going to go with some camo. I'm going to be... Now, mind you, that camo is made for the forest.

And there's not a lot of trees in a sporting goods shop. But I need to look the part. They probably have the... Well, yeah, you want to look sharp. But they might have goods shop, but I need to look the part. They probably have the, well, yeah, you want to look sharp, but they might have, Cabela's has all the fake creatures. I could hide up in there with the taxidermy.

Come on now. All right. So I will go with camo with my third pick and it's back to you, Mike. Okay. I'm going to, I am going to draft something that this, this will get absolutely no respect.

It won't get the poll respect that it deserves. I'm going to take fishing line. No! Oh, man! Wait, you were actually thinking about this? Well, I was going to take a fishing pole because it would come with fishing line and a hook, and I could use it much better. No, I don't want to cast.

I will just be setting up fishing line. Oh, to run into that people like legit this is so there's a psa out here that's strong that uh because this happened this happened to my dad i because people suck sometimes okay my dad is a is a bike rider and he was riding his bike through a canal oh no all no. All of a sudden, just snap. What? Someone had strung fishing line. No.

And it's where here's the only good part about this story is. They clothesline him? Is my dad had hurt himself in a previous bike accident. So he's on this super dorky three-wheeler thing now. The trike. Yeah, he's on the trike now. Yeah, I know. But because he's on the trike now. Yeah, I know. But because he's on the trike,

the fishing line hit him in the forehead, and it didn't get him in the throat. Oh, mercy. So did it pull him down off the trike? I don't think he crashed, but he got massive whiplash from it because this is what people do now. What an awful thing to do. But I will be doing that to you

because there'll just be fishing lines strung up, and you won't be able to see it, and you will run right into it. Interesting. Okay. Wow. Jason's searching for his pick still? You still don't know? All right.

I'm going to go with, look, for one, it's got a little bit of that practicality, but it also, you know, I can little bit of that practicality but it also you know i can i could tie you up i can uh use it take some good old-fashioned i'm gonna take some good old fashion uh climbers rope uh away from okay yeah nod to me yeah you know you went that way would you like a carabiner while you're at it sir i mean if it can come attached i would certainly use that to spin around you know whip around and slap you in the face with a carabiner okay which you know it won't take you out but it won't feel good that's true um and then i'm really super excited about this last super excited i mean this next one's gonna be the best pick you've ever heard of because um because uh here's why take the ice skate when take the ice skate i thought about it i think

about that but look when we're in this hand-to-hand combat i think strength is is really gonna matter okay so i am taking um i'm taking a protein powder i'm gonna be beefing up you and i you should have at least gone with pre-workout oh no way you would be just jacked he's going long-term battle he's absolutely i'm gonna hide i'm gonna hide out i'll be getting jacked yeah protein powder and then you know look if i if if you guys are coming before I really get my body in order, which is, I mean, it's going to happen. Yeah, okay. I can still throw it in your eyes.

So, pow. That part is true. It's powder. I've seen blood sport. This is a, so you've got a golf club, you're in a football uniform, you've got some climber's rope. That's right. And you've got some protein powder.

Protein powder. Got to stay fit. Yeah, you're set to go. Get fit. Get fit. I have realized what I must do. Because, look, I have a hockey stick, right? It's a longer weapon.

I put on my catcher's gear. I kind of feel like I'm a knight right now. Oh, yeah. That means I need a bicycle. Yeah, of feel like I'm a knight right now. Oh, yeah. That means I need a bicycle. Yeah, you do. I need a mountain bike. Absolutely. I almost took one.

And I'm just going to be jousting. The best part. Full speed with my pockets. The best part. Look, I love the visualization. Except for you literally just told a story about stringing up fishing line. But I took the fishing line, so you can't do it. Well, you certainly have the ability to.

I know where it is. I've got rope. I can see your rope. Yeah, but you can't ride through it. I just rope off an alley. Unless you've taken some lasso lessons while hyped up on protein powder. I think I'm okay. Look, we don't have any, and we couldn't take guns and bows and arrows.

We don't have projectiles really built into this. So I'm going to take something that I can at least try to toss or drop on you. I'm going to take a bowling ball. Okay. I'm going to take a bowling ball. It was right there. It's probably knock you off the bike if I can roll it right. Oh, yeah.

And Jason, while he's proteining up, I could definitely drop that from a high. Oh, what an idiot. I just found a great pick. Well, it's over. Yeah. I've got a baseball bat, an ice axe, camo, and a bowling ball. What was the great pick? The bar for a bench press.

I thought about that. Yeah. That thing is heavy. What are you going to do with it? Well, he's got the protein powder. Are you kidding me? I'm jacked up, man. These muscles are swole.

So I would be fine. I mean, that bar's only like 45 pounds, and you're carrying it with two hands. I don't want to be swinging that versus like a 22-ounce bat or something like that. I promise you, if I had one of those things. That thing is called a barbell, according to Al. Really? That doesn't make sense. I promise you, you swing that thing once, your back is going out.

Number one. You think I'm Al Borland over here? That's funny. If you wanted that, you should have gone with a kettlebell. No. That's like a bowling ball with a handle. No, that's not bad. These things are seven feet wide.

But you're swinging it once, and then you're taking a breath. It's not just swinging. I can swing it, but I can also. Look, I'm using it Donatello style. I'm two hands on this thing using it like a bow. Yeah, we should get some video of you trying that. Oh, absolutely. All right.

Honorable mentions that were not brought up. Another bludgeoning device would have been a canoe oar. Yes, now that you say it, it was on my other list that I didn't name. It was up there with a hockey stick. I had small weights, like a two-pound weight. Yeah, you could do a weight. Two-pound, though. Yeah, like you ever heard about like you hold a roll of quarters

and you hit someone and it's like all of a sudden your punches are ten times as strong? Ice skating blade was actually on there. I mean, you could probably lace up one of those on your hand and then you got like a hook hand. I like if you're gonna punch people i mean i know you what you would just take like mma gloves where you can actually protect your hand but you're still gonna hurt it's about the weight it's about the the actual i just i i know the i've heard the legends but i feel like you're in a person you know in a fight with multiple people, and you do the weighted hand. Sure, whoever you punch, if you land a shot, they're done.

But so is your hand. Right? Yeah, your hand gets pretty beat up. Wouldn't your hand just get annihilated? Yeah. Maybe. Because your hand gets annihilated just punching somebody. Yeah, but I'm wondering what is going to strike you if I've got this three-pound weight.

Like, will my knuckles hit you, or will the outside of the weight actually hit you? Okay, well, if you get in with the weight, then that works. Okay. Yeah, all right. Protein powder. Protein powder's great. This guy. I'm going to be so jacked up.

I thought about climber spikes, too, like an ice climber spikes, but it's like I got to step on you then. Yeah, I thought about cleats, but have you ever tried to walk on cement with cleats on? You ever tried to kick somebody? Oh, you'd're sliding around yes that would be that would be the worst thing you could ever do is inside have cleats on you are basically bambi on ice you you just have to sit over in the one section where there's a tiny bit of turf yeah come at me bro if you have those cleats on and you're tying yourself up in the fishing line. I thought about tent spikes. You know, like you could throw them.

Oh, you would throw them. You wouldn't stab. You'd be throwing them. I mean, you could reserve some for stabbing, some for throwing. I mean, I would get a lot of them. All right. That's not bad. Is there anything, Al, that we – I mean, you're kind of the woodsman.

I probably would have gone with baseballs or hockey pucks for range. Yeah. But, I mean, you need quite a few. Yeah, baseball could do some damage. But how fast can either of you guys throw? Probably fast enough to break your face. Yeah, I couldn't have hit either of you with your mask. You both got masks, and I'm not hurting your body very much.

Oh, yeah. I mean, the catcher over here is in good position. You're made to catch a baseball being thrown at you specifically. By the way, you ever watched a catcher walk off the field? It's a little clunky. It's a little clunky. Have you ever seen a catcher riding a bicycle? Solid point.

All right. That was a fun one. Let's close this thing out. What did we learn today? Have you ever seen a kid riding a bicycle with a hockey stick? What was your last thing? Oh, it was the fishing line. My trap.

You've already set all that up. Oh, my gosh. What did we learn today? I learned that Jason didn't think he was ever going to be fat. Yeah, that's true. I learned that a BOGO on he was ever going to be fat. Yeah, that's true. I learned that a BOGO on coffins is a bad idea. And I learned that I truly believe now a two-honk is more polite than a single-honk. Than a one-honk, yeah.

Fair enough. That'll do it for today's Spitballers Podcast. Thanks again for supporting the show. And if you want to do so, become a true Spitwad. You can go over to SpitballersPod.com and click the button to support the show. Appreciate it. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.