Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Punching a Whale and Game of Thrones Character Battle - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

We are taking this Monday off to spend the holiday weekend with our family. Enjoy this classic Spitballers episode! Spit Hit for September 6th, 2021: With some serious cash on the line, what is the heaviest animal you think you could knock out with one punch? Are you entitled to a cut of the winnings if a friend uses your money to hit big on the lotto? The guys take a trip to the ‘Situation Room’ to explore these conundrums. We then dive into some great ‘Would You Rather’ questions before climaxing the show with a long awaited Game of Thrones Battle Royale draft! Don’t miss this funny episode of the Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads! Sorry we don't have a new episode for you today. Well, not that sorry, because we have a great Spit Hits for you. We're taking the day off to spend it with our family, but you can enjoy this episode of the show where we try to figure out the biggest animal we could knock out with one punch. There's a lot of other shenanigans on today's show enjoy what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Skid-a-ba-bo-be-bop-a-doodly-doo!

Woo-hoo-hoo! A-doodly-doo! It's cathartic. It really is. It really is cathartic. Everybody should start their morning. Play the music. Scatch yourself out of bed.

Wait a minute. I mean, that was shout therapy. That was not... That transcended any kind of scatting. There was nothing musical about that. No, you're right. That was a primal caveman. Yeah, something came out.

But now people do... Look out for the T-Rex. People do scat along with us, right? When they're starting the show and you're in your car or at the gym or wherever. I don't want anybody just listening to that. No. Participate. If you didn't, rewind.

Start it over. It's okay. Is there some sort of therapy where you go into a room and you just scream and yell? Yes. Because it just feels so off limits as an adult. No, no. They've definitely... I've heard people talk about it.

You ever done that into a pillow? Just shout into the void. Where they can't hear you um what was i was watching uh underwater can you do that underwater uh crashing with pete holmes and uh there was an episode where the as soon as the subway came he just screams because no one can hear it yeah over the subway because it's if you've ever heard a subway they are the loudest things well i feel i feel great now i feel great welcome into the spitballers podcast i don't yeah mike's a little under the weather but he is here uh jason is present i am and accounted for uh i am feeling better getting over the black lung yeah what's up with you two worse uh mine's weaklings mine Mine is different.

Weak in different ways. Yeah, I mean, while I was sick, I still looked good, sounded good. You're not sounding the best here, Mike. You've got to keep the beard short. Otherwise, you get all that bacteria. That's what you guys – it's all the bird's nests and the – What are you telling me? I'm supposed to wash my beard?

The extra crumbs this guy's missing out on? Oh, my goodness. Hey, hope you're watching on YouTube, youtube.com slash spitballers. This will be the, I think, third episode that hits the YouTube. You got it. So, spitballers pod on Twitter. Send us your questions. Send us your situations.

We've got a situation room on the show today. us your situations. We've got a situation room on the show today. We also have a Would You Rather segment and a very, very special draft. Very timely. Yes. If you are into Game of Thrones, you will be very into this draft.

If you are not, you will be less inclined to listen. But that's okay. It's going to be a battle. It's going to be fun. It's going to be a lot of It's going to be fun. It's going to be a lot of fun. Unfortunately, it looks like our very narrow previous show draft, Jason, you're going to come out on top. It is hard.

Oh, did he take the lead? He did take the lead. That would be two shows ago. I would say our previous draft was not close. I dominated. It's just hard. I have to just move on and realize that winning isn't everything. We're here to entertain. We're here to entertain.

We're here to inform. Honestly, I think that is a great idea that you two do that. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Thank you so much for listening, subscribing on Apple Podcasts, wherever you're listening. We love your reviews.

They support the show. They help us go farther as a people, the spit hosts. And yes, Jason, that look on your face means we are reading one. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from Proud Father. Five stars. I type this with a tear in my eye. Not from laughing like usual, but from my proud father moment.

The other day, I walked into the kitchen to hear my 12-year-old listening to a podcast. I couldn't be any more proud to announce that I have a little junior spitwad living in my house. Keep it up, fellas. From a Foot Clan converted spit wad. Thank you. And actually, this reviewer's name is DIY Dallas Dave. Who? So if you don't know. Dallas Dave.

Yeah. He's the proud father. I like the idea of him having one single tear in his eye when he laughs. Yes, that is very common. No, I love this. A Foot Clan converted means that this is a fellow fantasy footballer listener. Our other podcast, The Fantasy Footballers. So thank you for making the trip over here to enjoy your Monday even more.

And we've got a lot of great things coming for the Spitwads out there. So just stay subscribed, stay tuned in. It's going to be fun. Let's jump into a little sticky situation. The Situation Realm. All right, this situation comes from Kale on Twitter. Kale says a man has arrived. I guess wherever you're at, he's arrived.

What we know is he does not work for PETA. No, he does not. Because he says he is offering to give you $10,000 per pound for any animal that you can knock out in one punch. This is ridiculous. So what animal are you punching? So the stakes there... So I don't get the money if I don't...

If you don't knock it out in one punch... One punch! So if you choose a very low-weight animal that you have a high probability of knocking out... You can take the money and run. Maybe you may... What's a two-pound animal? I don't know.

Also, Cale, what's the deal here, bro? Why are we punching animals in the face? Look, you really need to ask the man that arrived and asked you to do this. This is very important to this man, to the tune of 10,000 pounds per pound, or 10,000, yeah, maybe it's a pound. It's one of those, like, do you take the money on a small, like, I don't think I could, like spit watch i hate cats i hate them they're the worst they're just garbage animals that hate you and want to destroy humanity totally totally true

i mean i could i know i could not punch a cat of course not i've got if i'm gonna take no yeah little kitty cat i mean even if it's like, okay, this is a big, fat cat. She's weighing 10 pounds. That's $100,000. I can't do it. I couldn't do it. So what animal can I challenge myself with that I think maybe? What animal has a punchable face?

Right. What animal? Plate face. What, are you going to punch an orangutan? Oh, no way. I do not recommend punching an orangutan. Do not punch the orangutans. They will win that fight.

No chance you're putting out plate face. Now, just so you get the context here, if you were to be able to punch out the heaviest animal in the world, which is a blue whale, which is 200 tons, you would walk away with a cool $4 billion. Wow. At $10,000 per pound, it would be a $4 billion check. Now, not likely to happen. You know what I like about that thing? Does a whale have a face?

Does a whale have a face? Legitimately. Do any animals have faces if their eyes are on the opposite sides? If there's a football field between the eyes. Right. Is that a face? Yes, it's still a face. What I like about the blue whale is not only can I make $4 billion.

Yes, you can make $4 billion. I feel like... If I give everything I got, I'm probably not going to do it. Probably not? I don't know. Maybe there's a soft spot, like there's a temple and

you can get a good knockout shot okay the old temple whale punch but i don't think the whale is going to do anything back uh no you're correct i think he will just swim away as if nothing is happening because he won't know that you punched him if you move it down to a grizzly a grizzly what what are you doing? This is a death wish. You're going from making money to death. I'm trying to give people an idea of the money to pound ratio. A grizzly is 1,500 pounds.

So you're talking about $15 million if you could punch a grizzly out with a good punch. You're going to punch them right in the teeth. Well, sure. You're going to hurt your own hand with the punch. Okay, so you're not going grizzly. I've got my animal. I want a lot of dough. I want the money.

Okay. So I'm sitting here thinking, what's a super heavy animal? A super big with a smaller head. Where I could maybe, maybe give me an 1,800 pound. Do the math. What kind of reward am I looking here? Did you just say 1,800? 1,800 pounds.

The math is easy. That's $18 million. Thank you. 10,000 per pound. Thank you. I appreciate that. $18 million if I can get this giraffe down, small head, go up to the feeding station. Oh, my gosh. I knew knew I was going to ask you

You're going to bait it You got to have the feet in one hand Get the tongue out You don't get a feeding station you get a ladder What? Well then it's my super ladder from the genie That's fine It's going to help

So they're 1800 pounds I think that's as big as they can See for me I go i think like a turtle oh that's but that's that's the same thing with the grizzly you're gonna miss you're gonna punch him right in the shell why do you think we're just gonna miss these heads mike because are you punching with one eye closed no i'm watching you punch you're gonna miss now here see here's my fear there because you you're going to throw a haymaker. When's the last time you threw a targeted haymaker?

Let me ask you that question. Never at a turtle. Yet. Never at any animate object. Just anywhere. That's true. We need to get a punching bag. I'm going to put an X on it, and we're going to slow-mo record you punching as hard as

you can and seeing if you're within. Got to put blue chalk on his knuckles and see where that you're telling me that the key here is not picking the big body little head so you can make the money the key is picking big head yes you need a gigantic head what animal has the biggest face that i can hit if it has a face it has to be that blue whale i still i still argue that their blue whales do not have faces. You're going for $4 billion. Yeah, no, I'm not going for $4 billion.

He won't know. And then you're punching underwater. My kids have underwater fights because it doesn't hurt. You can't punch underwater. That's a great point. Bruce Lee could do it. Could you punch out an ostrich? Oh, that's actually good.

They look just arrogant enough to punch. Yeah, they're jerks. They are the rudest, meanest animal. Are they? Oh, yeah. With their big old eggs. They're so cocky. They are.

They're the worst. They hate you. I'd rather have a pet cat than a pet ostrich. Don't go that far. Don't go that far. That's ridiculous. What if you pick mean animals? If you punch out mean animals, is that okay?

I know from Jean-Claude Van Damme gifs that you can punch out a snake. I'll punch a snake right in the snozz. Yeah, just you hold it right by the head and you give it. Right? Like that makes more sense because everybody wants to get rid of snakes. Nobody's. I'd punch a honey badger right in the mouth. Honey badger don't care.

Honey badger don't care. That badger would be fine. What are the animals that... What's the poundage? Does a spider have a face? They flick you a penny when you're done. If you told me one million dollars

to punch a spider? To punch a tarantula. Right. One million. No joke. Never happen. You would never happen. Is that true? That's 100%. A million dollars.

If there's a rich person out there. Would you kick one for a million? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I'm crawling right now. I don't know. What if it's $10 million and you have to give it a smooch? Oh!

Oh, my gosh. Mike, I did not see you going there, and that was not a fake reaction. The best part about that is you are not playing that up for the show at all. He's literally that scared of any spiders. He's so scared of them. I want to watch that back on YouTube. I want to see what a loser I am.

That was... Can you punch a jellyfish? Does a jellyfish have a face? No. No. You have to have eyes to have a face. Can we at least agree on that?

Yeah, you're going right through. Look, I'm punching a sloth. No! They're so sweet! I could get him. My dog, you can get him.

He can't move out of the way. I was thinking about the giraffe. I realized I've seen giraffes fight. Yeah, they use their heads as the whips. We've talked about this. Yeah, they are a wrecking ball, like a construction wrecking ball with their head and neck. There's no chance I could put a giraffe out.

If you were in a coliseum with a giraffe, Jason versus giraffe, for your life, could you get that giraffe? No. Wait, does he get weapons? Yeah, he gets a knife. No. Like a pocket knife. If it was a spear, then of course I would have a chance. But no, I'm losing.

This is such a weird question. Okay, are we ready to move on to the next situation? Picturing Jason Smooch and Tarantulas. You lend your best friend 20 bucks. You later learn that he used it to buy a lotto ticket, which he hit the jackpot with. He's since been avoiding you at all costs, but you've just ran into him at your local coffee shop.

What do you do right there, right then? What do you do in that moment? Here, let me ask a question. So I did not know that I was loaning money so they could throw it in the garbage. That's right. That was what I was going to ask you is did your friend come to you and go because if he says can I get 20 bucks I want to play the lotto and you're

like no and you're like sure you don't get that money. Right. No. Oh absolutely. What if somebody comes to me and says hey can I borrow it. But you're a dummy dumb. I'm short right now. Can I borrow 20 bucks I'll pay you back next week. I'm going to go play the lotto.

That's an understood thing, that if you win, you're giving me money. And not just my $20. Did he pay you back? He didn't, right? No, he's going to pay. My friend's good for it. I know he's going to pay me back next week. What if he just gives you the 20 bucks the next week?

He's like, hey, thanks for loaning me that. I just won $100 million. No. Here's 20 bucks. It is understood that if you buy a lotto ticket with borrowed money, you are giving your friend a good payout. Yes. A good enough payout to clear your conscience.

What can you do, though? Can you do anything legally? If you're in that coffee shop and you go, dude, come on. No. Come on. I don't think there's any legal recourse here. There's no legal recourse. None whatsoever.

There's no contract. So how do you get that money? He's your friend. Yeah, that's why he's your friend. Why is your friend Mike? And that's the thing. I think Andy's question is, if somebody came and asked me that, I would take the $20 bill. I'd just put it right in the shredder for them.

I'd say, here, you didn't get it. Well, clearly you'd be an idiot because this friend won the money. Yeah. Well, but I didn't know. You can't win if you don't play, Jason. Oh, gosh. So I didn't know. Let's go under the...

Oh, don't do that. Would you guys be surprised to know I have never won the lottery? What? No one I know has won it. No one I know has won it. What are you... Dude, I've won like three times. He's just a crazy spender.

But the thing is... So he's back with us. Once you win the lottery, you just go buy more lottery tickets with the money that you want because you're gonna you're for sure gonna win you punch that blue whale out you won the lottery that's true um yeah look if i genuinely let's just put this mike did this to you mike borrowed 20 dollars borrowed 20 bucks used my money and then i didn't know what it was for but i know for sure that he won the lottery how much did he win he won uh 88 million dollars 88 million dollars I'm gonna go to him and I'm gonna say look Mike I know you won I'm not gonna ask look that was my money I'm not gonna ask for all of it no it wasn't I I want one one one million

dollars whoa you're gonna go settle that quick I am going to go for the lowest achievable Large portion I can get Where he can go Yeah but then I'm going to tell you about My new tax bracket and all these tax implications I didn't get a full 88 I'm barely getting by So you took the one lump sum 44

Now it's tax now it's 22 I'm already broke my money's already gone Never mind this fine leather jacket and my Lambo. Those have nothing to do with it. Now what do you do? I think you discovered a very healthy new industry, which is to borrow money for lottery playing. Oh, you can't lose.

I mean, they've already got the... I mean, in that situation... I believe they have them. They're called casinos. Okay. All right. Let's get into what you're... We're just going to hold on to this for a little bit.'re called casinos. Okay. All right. Let's get into would you rather. We're just going to hold on to this for a little bit.

Don't mind us. Yeah. Temper. We'll hold your money while you stand in this place for a while. Would you rather. All right. Would you rather live in a home that is constantly dark or a home that is constantly bright? Oh, my goodness. This is just home that is constantly bright you my goodness this is

just this is the the battle of my marriage this is the battle of our office andy this is the battle of our shuffleboard one-on-one games so a little peek into the life here at spitballers headquarters spitballers hq um my eyes they're not the best. Okay, you see me wearing the glasses. Weird looking, lopsided. No, hold on. But they're beautiful. Thank you, Mike. I got the beautiful blues.

But they don't work so good. So, you know, you win some, you lose some. And so I feel like for me, I need extreme brightness. Like, it can't be too bright. brightness like I you it can't be too bright when I see my children and my wife reading a book in a moderately lit room that you know they're they're sitting in between the lamp and the book and there's like a shadow on it I can't even what are you deeply offended I can't understand how they can read because my eyes could never do that I need it it super bright. And Andy on the other hand is Dracula. My wife

calls me a mushroom. Yeah. And because we have this issue all the time. My wife has never ever if it were up to her my wife would not have a blind in our house. There would be no blinds ever. They've never been used. That sounds like

trouble for other reasons. Privacy? Yeah. She don't give a care. She does not care. As far as she's concerned, the whole world, nice people. No interest in. Has she been outside?

Never. Never. It doesn't need to. It's bright enough inside at our house. But the blinds, I'm not joking. Most of the blinds in our house have never come down. Yeah. I like it bright. Because she wants it bright all the time i like natural light i'm fine with natural light but in arizona natural light is also the kind of light that blinds you

it's also a cause of death it will glare on you it is so bright in arizona in the summertime is great and the darkness represents coolness to me it is cool a cool afternoon draw the blinds a little bit have a little bit of darkness in there well what if what if what if it was not a matter of your heart what if it was not the darkness not a matter of you know skin cancer from the sun but let's say you've got no windows it's just always bright or always super dark you know fake lighting uh you got some nice LED bulbs. In that situation, the only downside to having it always be bright is sleep. That's it.

And I can get a sleep mask. No, you're right about that. Like, if the house is permanently dark or permanently bright, it's better to be bright. Oh, my gosh. This is, like, I can't believe you're on that side. You can wear a sleep mask and then everything else is fine. You literally took light bulbs out of your office ceiling so that the lights could be on at half.

For the balance. I'm not a psychopath. I don't want to be walking around blind in my own house. What if it was... I mean, if it was dim... But I'm a melancholy man. I need the mood. Yeah, you need the darkness.

I need the mood to kind of reflect my internal toil. When we believe in a thing called love. When Ann and I play shuffleboard, we play for the half of the lights in the room to be on or off. We play for the darkness. No, I play for the light. And you play for the darkness. That's correct. Mike, which side are you?

And let's go artificial light. Light. Artificial light sucks, though. Yeah, oh, it does. Walmart? Oh! Is the worst, but if it's that or the darkness, I gotta be able to see. Here's a good would you rather question.

Would you rather Ghostbusters be real or Jurassic Park be real? How is this even a question? That's so funny, though. This is easy. It is? Of course it's easy. What are you? What?

What? The inference is if Ghostbusters is real, are ghosts everywhere yeah that's the problem that's a pretty big problem i mean i know jurassic park is real there are dinosaurs everywhere they're not everywhere at a park yeah oh yeah you've never seen the movies they're everywhere no they're stuck san diego ain't doing are you kidding me they do get off the island yeah they get off the island right quick in they get off the island right quick. In fact, I believe the last Jurassic World, they are roaming the hills of Nevada. They are on the way to the city.

That's fair. All right, so let's put it this way. At least in the Ghostbusters one, there are heroes to save you from them. I was going to say, you know who to call. Chris Pratt ain't going to save me. Who are you going to call? Chris Pratt. How dare you? Chris Pratt would absolutely save you.

He would save me. Yeah, he'll save you. Because he's my best friend. Let's put it this way. You're in the park when things go wrong, or you're in the mansion when the ghosts are out. Hold on. This is worst case scenario both worlds. There's dinosaurs or there's ghosts.

Because Ghostbusters, a lot of them are causing a ruckus. We're not talking about Slimer. You're always covered in slime. No, it's not just Slimer. Like the other ghosts, they're just rambunctious. And also, why is it that this is what ghosts do? Why do ghosts... They're a little wild and crazy.

I'm stuck. I'm stuck somewhere between life and the afterlife. I'm on Earth. I have some metaph I'm stuck somewhere between life and the afterlife. I'm on Earth. I have some metaphysical form where I can alter and do things. My entire existence now is to just try and scare people and throw plates at them. Why is that what ghosts do? I think it's because they're free. Because this is what we want to do.

No social construct for me. We want to do that our whole life. No rules. I'm done with this play. I throw it. They're like, what are you going to do? Last episode, we had three hours that you could be invisible. And I said I might use that to just pants Jason for most of it.

See? So they're free. They can mess with you. You're just entertaining yourself at that point. That was going to be a dumb question. I feel like I would still rather have the dinosaurs. I was going to ask if all ghosts were naked, but they're not. No.

No, they have clothes. But how do they have clothes? Because everyone knows that when you turn into a ghost, you have whatever you had on when you died. Really? Well, there's that reason. That's ghost rules. Should I be thinking about that while I put on my clothes every day?

Yes, every day. Yeah, you should. Right. You might be wearing those clothes forever like i gotta get rid of this hideous shirt what if i'm a ghost in this yeah that'd be embarrassing i i feel like there's a chance i die there's a chance i live in both situations and so i would rather have the one where i get to see a dinosaur that's awesome and cool. Look, I don't want to get eaten on a toilet T-Rex style, but if I got to take the chance, if I see a ghost, like if I see this big poltergeisty monster ghost with crazy lights coming out of the eyes flying at me, there's no redeeming quality.

There's nothing like, whoa, cool. It would be pretty cool. Versus a T-Rex? You know your demise, the method of the demise in the dinosaur situation. He's going to rip you apart. I feel like in the ghost world, what does he do? They can do what they want with you. They throw silverware at you.

They shake your mirrors. They can't actually do anything. They can't? No. Well, then that's the better world. Yes, that's what I've been trying to say. Wait, so from the get-go, you were on Team Ghostbusters? Why are they being fought by the Ghostbusters, then, if they can't hurt anything?

Because they're annoying. They keep ruining my dishes. They do. They go to the fancy hotel because the ghosts are ruining the party. So in that world, there's no China. There's no fine China left. No, no, it's all smashed to pieces. It's all paper plate world.

Oh, paper plates. What is the ghost going to do? That is the solution for all ghost problems. Paperware. Plastic. Don't you live that life already? You spilled my spoons. Yeah, I do.

Don't you guys, like, how often do you bring out regular plates versus paperware? Let me ask you this. How often do I have a very important dinner party? Because that's the answer. You go through a lot of trees. Yes. I want to be better. Costco makes it too easy.

It's not my fault. It's Costco's fault. Shame on you, Costco. We have recycle bins. I mean, you put the paper in the recycle bin, you're doing fine. You're doing fine. I 100% recycle. And I would like to believe that the paper plates I buy are made of recycled product.

Not sure, but I believe it. That's what's important. Thank you. Would you rather always have to wear shoes, even in the shower, even while you sleep, or never be able to wear shoes again? You know. Question. Wet feet are the only thing stopping me here from saying shoes all the time.

Oh, because you take a shower and you've got soggy shoes. Yeah, I mean, you're either spending like 30 minutes afterwards like blow drying your feet off to get the mold from not growing. Yeah, that's a problem. Are flip-flops shoes? Are flip-flops shoes? Are flip-flop shoes? Yes. Darn. That would have been a really easy out, because I would be fine wearing flip-flops for the rest of...

Like, if I had to pick one, and I could choose... Yeah, you could wear flip-flops. Yeah, but I could take them on and off. No. Because they're not shoes. They are shoes how about we change it so you always have to wear boots or you never wear like hiking boots or you never wear shoes again well because i just wanted you to look more awkward in all of your moments of

if you vulnerability do i get to change my socks uh because if you have magically yes because otherwise your feet are gonna fall off if you have boots and yeah because otherwise your feet are going to fall off If you have boots and you shower Yeah we're looking at the awkwardness of it You're getting foot not Here's one thing I know is gone Skinny jeans they don't exist in this world You cannot If you ever put them on

You wear them for the rest of your life Or you cut them off Are there any pants that go on from the top MC Hammer Pants that go on from the top? MC Hammer. You're telling me that. Pants that go on from the top? No. There are no pants that go on from the top.

How would that work? Yeah, it's a kilt. Crotch zipper. You would have to have some snap at the crotch. Yeah. Like you put one leg on at a time. I'm Googling this. Bling.

No, it's the return of JNCO pants, guys. You've been waiting for that for years. Why don't you explain to the younger generation? I thought I've talked about this. Well, the JNCOs, but JNCO jeans. How much material? Four jeans, four jeans and one at minimum. That's where the base level was.

If you Google JNCO jeans, you will see the worst looking nonsense of humanity. A lot of similarities between them and the Redwood Forest. Let's put it that way. Very, very large trunks. If you couldn't wear shoes, you couldn't exist in Arizona. That's the problem. I just keep thinking about sharp stuff, but you're right. Hot.

Hot rose. I'm fine with the sharp stuff. Not that I enjoy it, but I would be okay. I would be okay. I accept this thorn. I accept this thorn. I wouldn't be going hiking, but the nice thing is we don't go hiking. Okay.

So this isn't a change for me. We were just talking about this at a family event, how kids, their feet are so resilient. They just go jimmying across sharp rocks where I could not take a step on them. They just go sprinting on them. As a kid, I remember in Arizona going to get the mail. Now, the mailbox is four houses down. Middle of summer, I would do the sprint, grab the mail, sprint back, resilient feet, just don't stand on the hot ground too long.

Is it weight? Is it because there's not as much weight? Because if I were to do that in the middle of summer, I would get three steps before my foot has melted into the ground. You would go to the hospital. Oh, for sure. That's not even a joke. If I were to go down the street and come back in Arizona with 250 pounds

pushing down on this foot, that's melted. Did you guys do the move? Arizona pools are everywhere. But then the basketball goes out, and it's in the rocks, and you're like, ah, crap. So then you spend five minutes. You've got to splash all of the rocks, and even that isn't enough. It still burns.

Burning hot feet. Now, in Arizona, you wouldn't be able to go outside very much. You'd be swimming with boots on, though. You'd look really weird walking around. Probably not allowed into a lot of restaurants. No shoes, no service? That reminds me of, what is the policy of your household? Shoes on, shoes off.

Somehow, my house became a shoes-off which is against my will look let me just say this is ridiculous you correct me if i'm wrong greg but in the entirety of the house that the guests would be there is no carpet it's all tile why are we taking our shoes off i don't know know. Why do I have to have my feet out? I don't know. Well, you should be wearing socks. Yeah. I wear flip flops. You know this.

Your feet are always open. My wife is convinced that the greatest threat to all of mankind from a health perspective exists on the bottoms of your feet. Whereas I tend to believe that since you walk everywhere, you're just kind of rubbing it all off and nothing's sticking. So it's really sticking. It's not a dirty thing. It's a hygiene thing.

It's a hygiene thing. What did you think? It was like making it dirty. Oh, my tile grout is going to be. No. I had a friend. It's more hygiene. I had a friend growing up, and they wore shoes.

This was the only shoes off house hold that I knew of. Like right when you walk in the door. Yeah, shoes off. And I loathed those parents they were they were the worst people in the entire world for making did they also have the plastic covers on their uh no no they had couches they had a nice home but you had to take your shoes off and I vowed I would never have a shoes off policy you got a problem oh shoes shoes are definitely off in my house you take your shoes off oh really little kid mike hates himself yes yeah i grew up he gets your house filthy man i am a shoes on that's fine but that's that makes

sense right now yes do you leave your shoes on on purpose or is it more comfortable for you to take them off when you get home no i mean i i take my shoes off when i get home kick them off throw them somewhere that's fine you take more than your shoes off, don't you? I'm usually in my underpants. Almost always. If you ring the doorbell at my house, wait six minutes before walking. I'm surprised you don't wear tearaways. I will open the door, but I had to find...

You should put on those tearaways from the basketball game so when you walk in, you can just... Boom! That's great That's good advice Someday your kids will have their own podcast Like the spitballers And they'll talk

About Papa Underpants And the horror of their childhood My father Walter White You guys ready to draft? Oh mercy I guess so The Spitballers Draft You guys ready to draft? Oh, mercy. I guess so. The Spitballers Draft.

All right, we're doing something fun. We're doing something new. We are going to be giving away swag packs, Spitballers swag packs. If we end up picking your draft idea, now you can give us your draft idea. My favorite place to read them is the comments on YouTube. So if you go below, you leave the comments, that's a great place to put your draft ideas. You can also send them through. It's my favorite place.

It's my favorite place. You can also send them through at SpitballersPod on Twitter. You can send them on Instagram. The font, the spacing. Oh, everything. It's incredible. The reading, beautiful in the comments section. Casey Wasserman was the winner this week.

Because they, she, or he, is this a he or she there, Al? Don't know. I don't know. Casey, he, she, here's the idea. A Game of Thrones Battle Royale. So we've had a lot of different ideas. People wanting us to draft Game of Thrones characters for different, uh, purposes. Maybe just draft your favorites, but we're going to do a Game of Thrones Battle Royale draft.

Casey, congratulations. You get a swag pack. Al Borland will see to that personally. Al, please take care of Casey for us. Okay? I will. Comes with wood shavings and paper towels. From Al Borland?

From Al Borland. Okay. All right. Because he's also the brony man. I don't know if you know that. Yeah. The red flannel gives you all sorts of purposes. This is a really bad spot to be in the three pick.

I mean, it's... Is it? Yeah. Yes, there are two very clear picks. Yeah. I'm just interested to know which one you take. Yeah, I am going to go... Andy has the first pick.

I have the first pick in this draft. I'm going to go with Daenerys. Okay. Stormborn of House Targaryen, first of her name. The Unburnt. Excellent. The Queen of the Andals and the First Men. I was really hoping that you did not do that.

The Breaker of Chains. I know for sure. The Mother of Dragons. If you had not taken the dragons, Mike clearly would have taken the dragons, right? There's no doubt. I thought Andy could mess up that pick. I don't think you will. So I'm really curious where you're going

number two here. Yes, Daenerys and her dragons are my pick. And again, this is a battle royale. So Borland, will you lay out kind of the situation? Because sometimes they get confused about how much we're allowed to include in this. Is he even here? Yeah, he's here.

So, are you in a Coliseum? Are we doing this again? Is King Triton a real bad pick? Sure. Yeah, we'll go with that. There's no water? I was like, does Al go with that? But if you draft somebody that's, like, you know, best in the water, is it, mean well i i like our coliseum rule okay i like

being in a coliseum all right i got denaris then okay i can already hear the music as the dragons fly in so uh my first pick i accrue your your team as i kill them so i'll take the night king yeah let me let me like i don't know what else you would possibly do of course let me just ask this let me ask this andy if you didn't take daenerys who would you have taken i might have overlooked the night king a little bit i might have overlooked the night king i was so hoping that you would go with just a real good warrior character. Cause there's great ones and there's nothing wrong with that. We're going to take a lot of them this draft, but I knew you wouldn't go night King.

So if you took a different character, you still would have gone Daenerys. You would have grabbed your dragons and I would have had the night King. Oh, I'm so angry because that means I've got, what are your two bad picks? I'm surprised. I thought for sure that wouldn't even be an issue.

Yeah. See, I knew. I did not think Andy would take the Night King. I mean, I respect the pick. I don't think it's a guarantee. You have to take the Night King number two. The guy who killed the dragon, no problem? The guy who every other person that falls in the draft just says,

hey, you're on my team now. He's pretty powerful. Also, if the Night King falls in your draft, your entire team is gone. Other than the other three people we draft. Yeah. Well, no, the Night King. Okay, I get it. Yeah, you're right.

Look, I really wanted the Night King, and that stinks. That is a good pick, Mike, and you're stupid, you're fat, you're ugly, and you're sick with a nasal congestion. That is true. I cannot argue any of those. You took some shots there. Daenerys is gone. The Night King is gone.

But never fear, Jason, you can still take Joffrey. There's just no one left of that tier. Like dragons, magical, everything. That's why there's four rounds. I mean, you get to take back-to-back picks to make up for it. Obviously, I got to go Jon Snow here for my first pick. One of the best warriors. I can get brought back maybe.

No, you got a combo draft then. If you want resurrection powers, you need to take the person who can do the resurrecting. We'll see. So, look, he's on my team. That's your final? He's on my team. John, welcome to my team. Now, we can draft.

Glad to have you. He died and did not become a part of the Night King army. Yeah. So, John Snow, he's on there. And, look, I was going to wait. I was going to wait for this pick to come back to me for my last round and i'm fairly confident that it would have happened that it would have got back to me that you guys would have overlooked this character you got a little bit of a wait hold on but because i've got yeah you write it down mike what you

think i'm taking um okay and uh because i absolutely am outmatched here from a power standpoint, I... Are you looking for his name? I am looking for his name. Are you frantically looking for it? Yes, because... It's the name I have written down on my tab here. It is. You know the name.

Yeah, I do. I'm not going to tell you what it is, though. It's Magmar Tundoweg. Oh, no. I have no idea who that is. know the name yeah okay i'm not gonna tell you what it is though it's mag mar ton dough wag oh no i have no idea who that is i do not know who that is either because that's not the name he's referred to in the show if he was very rarely referred to as mag the mighty but we know him as the giant i'm taking are you taking one of the giants i'm taking. Oh, you're taking one of the Giants? I'm taking the, yeah, Mag the Mighty, the Giant that fought alongside. That's what I wrote down, but that's not the name I have for him. Well.

Do what do you have? One, one? Yes. Yeah, I have one, one. Yeah, one, one. Well, I'm taking. You've got a Giant. I'm taking a Giant.

All right. You're just taking a generic Giant because all the best picks are gone. Got it. Yeah. Mike, you're back on the clock. Yeah, being in the middle here without the bookend picks makes things a little bit tougher. We're still in the range where there are plenty of picks to go around.

Like a little bit of magic left. Some great warriors. See, I think that this draft has to lean on being a warrior. And it's hard because, look, I'll just say, we all know the character is a Game of Thrones. If you take Tyrion in a draft like this, you drafted a dwarf and you threw him in the middle of a coliseum. He doesn't get to use his mind to assemble a secret flanking army

because he's just a dwarf. Cersei's vicious, but the giant's going to flanking army. Yeah. Because he's just a dwarf. Cersei's vicious, but the giant's going to step on her. Right, right. So this is a battle royale. So you've got to think differently. Yeah. It's something I should have said after your picks. And what's interesting is I'm going through in my head, okay, well, this person, it's

like I'm doing algebra over here. This person beats this person. my head okay well this person it's like i'm doing algebra over here this person beats this person so that means c she has to be able to beat a for sure even though it's fighting you know you can't just make that uh that leap oh goodness all right i'm gonna take uh i'm gonna get some some uh girth on my team i'm gonna take the mountain it was was in strong consideration for me with this next pick. The mountain, obviously, a big boy. Oh, yes. Big problem.

Well, I've got to go two now. And I don't even know which version I want. The post-dead version? Neither of them are very good looking. I don't know. I don't know about that. Sorry, but the pre-Frankenstein mountain, if I could go ahead and swap bodies with that not good looking i don't know i don't know about that sorry but the the pre-frankenstein mountain if i could go ahead and swap bodies with that not good looking guy sign me you know what's funny is

that after just admit he's like the world's strongest man he uh just admitted just not that it's a surprise but just steroid use fill his life is filled with it what yeah that guy yeah all right my combo is uh'm going to actually go. I'm going to do a couple of interesting things here. I'm going to counter your mountain with the hound. Okay. I'm going to take the hound because he's been nothing but a ruthless, Coliseum-style warrior for the duration of the show.

And then I'm going to bring in another pure warrior with a caveat of defending his love. I'm bringing to bring in another pure warrior with a caveat of defending his love. I'm bringing in Khal Drogo. Yeah, he was between Drogo and the mountain. I'm taking Khal Drogo. Not only is he a warrior that stands alone, but he will defend Daenerys to his demise. So I'm taking the Hound. I tried like crazy.

And I'm taking Khal Drogo. To get this draft pushed back a couple weeks because there's just no chance I can win from this spot. Those are such good picks. Oh, thank you. Thank you. So I've got Daenerys, the Hound, and Khal Drogo. I'm getting ugly and fat and stupid. Yes.

So we're moving back to Mike. Here's something that's funny. Who's your team so far? The Night King and the Mountain. Okay, you are evil. You are one evil guy. Here's something that's interesting. So we're recording this before the current previous episode comes out.

So I wonder how our view of these characters will change. I know. By the time this episode is released like oh man my dude just died all right mike you have got this is the hardest pick of the draft you got to go back to the well you got to figure out what you want there's is it a dead character is it an alive character is it a another bad evil character you seem to be assembling this is what i'm doing you're taking you're on probably i'm doing the most hated team doing the algebra of of like this person beat the hound this person then beat that person it's like so are they actually no you can't use you can't use ufc math here it just it doesn't

work you guys this is skill this is talent, and the problem is you're fighting multiple teams at once. It's not like you just get a focus on one. All right. And you can't take... And you know what? The most recent episode is actually swaying this pick because we're in the Coliseum. We got hand-to-hand combat going on,

but I need someone who not only are they elite at hand-to-hand combat, they can use a bow, they can throw knives if they need to. So I'm taking Arya. I am taking Arya Stark, who is apparently quite the marksman. Yeah, she's a very powerful character. She was my next pick. Yeah. You stupid

idiot. Could she do some stuff with the faces in there? Probably. Oh, hey guys, it's me, the faces in there? Yeah, I mean, sure. Oh, hey, guys. It's me, the Night King, Jon Snow. Don't mind me. Is that how we – that's how Jon Snow talks. He puts his arms up real high. Hello, everybody.

It's me. Jonathan Snow. Yes. Nice to meet you. I work for Geico. I should just throw my draft at this point I just have no chance oh my goodness

I mean I realize there's one pick I've only got one I know one of my picks one pick that's there's one pick that I think is sneaky is super devious and super sneaky really? yes interesting well I wish I got it I don't I don't That I think is sneaky, is super devious and super sneaky.

Really? Yes. Interesting. Well, I wish I got it. I don't. I don't. Here we go. I'm going to take with one of my first two picks.

I know I'm taking Oberyn because he is the Viper. He destroyed the mountain. I mean, he got cocky. Jason, I believe you say a win is a win. Sure. No, no, no. That's fine. But I'm going to coach him up here.

All right. Get to my point. He did destroy the mountain in single hand combat until he got cocky and just, you know, the rest is a disgusting history. But now, now it's like, okay, there's old warriors. There's so many possible picks for you to make that will not make the difference. That won't make the difference. That's the problem. That's why I feel like you got to go with this pick.

Well, then tell me. Let's talk about this pick, Mike. Just give me a hint, like the first name what's the first name of the character it starts with one of the letters or in our alphabet does this character not have a name i already drafted her oh but there's another one oh um no look oh my gosh. Heavy breathing. I'm going to take a two-handed Jamie Lannister. I'm going to take, I mean, you know, he is the best warrior in the world.

And I like my team. Like, I know they're all going down in the fight. Don't get me wrong. I don't like my team as the victors. But I actually like my whole team. I love, Oberyn was maybe my favorite character of the entire series. So what's your whole team? Oberyn, Jamie.

I've got Jon Snow, Jamie Lannister, Oberyn, and who was my second pick? Mag the Mighty. Yeah, Mag the Mighty. I've got the Giant. I like my team. There's nothing wrong with that team. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Here's my coach.

I'm calling him over for a timeout right before the Coliseum battle here's my goal go in there and just take as many down from both parties as you can before we're out that's my goal cause havoc have fun out there die noble and uh do you do your worst yeah before the dragons get you do your best there you go mike you get your final pick you have i have like four or five names written down for my last pick and i don't know which one to go with but uh i think i know who you're going i'm so torn on this pick because this pick makes absolutely no sense for your team yeah okay so is this the one you wanted jason yeah well you gotta take what's your team so far so far i, I have the Night King, the Mountain, and Arya Stark.

All right. Take your final pick. Oh, gosh. Because Daenerys gets her dragons, right? Correct. Uh-huh. Oh, man. It's so right.

I feel like this is one of those, am I overthinking it for the votes? Most often, you make a bad fourth pick. Keep that in mind. That is shockingly true. You normally submarine yourself here. But I want to know what this pick is. Go for it. All right.

Whatever. I'm going to do it anyways. Yes. I'm taking Brian. Yeah, that's dumb. Also, no. I get it. Because I just drafted a dragon.

Oh, because you can warg into the dragon. Yes, you think you can warg into one of mine? You're 100% you can warg into the dragon. So I can kill your dragon. He hasn't warged into one yet. No, not yet. Real quick, real quick. He hasn't needed to.

Can he control them or can you just see what they see? No, he takes over. I'm pretty sure that you just selected like a whole flock of ravens to attack everybody on the no on the field i took the dragon you also are handicapped yeah no that's that's the problem with it now while you can't move or get away from us as soon as you're gone the dragons are no longer worrying right okay that'll be quick um okay so you went with i'm so mad at you, Mike, even though I encouraged that pick. Because if one of you two win, which clearly you will, I want it to be you.

Because Andy and I are closer in the overall list. All right. I am surprised that you did not take one of your favorite characters, Tormund. The Tormund Giants Bbane, the big red-headed. I do love him. My eyes have always been blue. Is the big one here? I am closing out my team with a powerhouse.

I've got the balls to make this pick. Grey Worm. Grey Worm is the pick. Very nice. Another loyal Daenerys friend of Daenerys. And so I will finish up Daenerys the Hound, Khal Drogo, and Grey Worm, the Noble Fighter. I can't believe that Bran of Tarth is on the waivers. That's where I was going to go.

I was just going to take her. Because it was the same thing. So is Ned. I mean, Ned is on the waivers as well. Yeah, Ned's going to be headless real soon. Well, I thought about, can you take some Starks and get their wolves in there too? Because they've got the wolves with them.

Oh, yeah. Well, if they've got their wolf, does Jon Snow still have his wolf? The answer is yes. He's on my team. Cool. Does Arya still have her wolf? Yeah, I'm really glad

I brought this up. All right, did you guys... It's not dead, but she doesn't have it. Did you guys learn anything on today's episode of the show? I learned that blue whales don't have a face. Oh, gosh.

But $4 billion worth of punches. I don't think we learned anything because I learned that blue whales do have a face. So, which is it? We need a ruling from Al Borland. Mr. Borland, do whales have a face? Yeah, whales absolutely have a face. Okay. I learned nothing at all.

The best thing to learn is nothing. Thank you for tuning in, subscribing, listening, supporting the podcast. Weigh in on the draft in the comments below. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.