Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Puppy Problems & The Best Food Pairings - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

Spit Hit for February 2nd, 2023: On this episode, we discuss how to figure out which eye is your dominant eye. We also discuss puppies chewing & pooing. Then, we jump into a round of “Jason Explains” & “I’ve Got Issues”. We polish off this show with a draft of the best food pairings. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads, we've got a great spit hit for you. Did you know that you have a dominant eye? I know you're thinking, how do I know which one's my... A domino eye? Dominant eye, like a stronger eye. Ah. Which eye's your strong eye, Mike? You don't know, but if you listen to this show, you're going to find out.

We're talking about puppies chewing and pooing. And speaking of great pairings, we've also got food pairings. What goes better with puppies chewing and pooing than speaking of great pairings we've also got food pairings what goes better with puppies chewing and pooing than food pairings that's our draft check it out what happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. That doesn't make it better at the end well i didn't need to make greatness better andy i just came with greatness and stayed there no welcome man look welcome to the spitballers podcast jason no that that like it was it started it started okay here's your best start in a while and then

it honestly it felt like you were strutting. I was strutting. I could see on the sidewalk. And then your toe caught a lip of a raised sidewalk. And you tripped. But I did the roll. But then you tried to do the jog of, no, I didn't trip. Certainly don't pay no attention to that.

Was there a floof in there? Yeah, that was in the Aikido roll. I didn't trip. Certainly don't pay no attention to that. Was there a floof in there? Yeah, that was in the Aikido roll. I mean, perfect execution. Then I pop up, landed it, stuck it on two feet. I feel like the spitwads are going to have my back here. They're going to be like, honestly, one of the best. One of the best that Jason has done in a long time.

No, no, no. It was great. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Would you rather, Jason explains, I've got issues, a draft on today's show. It's going to be jam-packed with wonder. Jason, what's going on? Jason's making an eye. We heard different things. Okay, you guys heard one scat.

I heard a different scat, and it was awesome. We're back to the scat again. I never left. I might still be on the ground just rolling just roll what like what kind of five somersaults aikido an aikido roll i'm not saying you're wrong i'm just saying i don't i don't know that that phrase is that a shoulder roll a sushi yeah you uh that would be a delicious sushi roll um is it a shoulder roll or is it a roll is it a somersault no it's a shoulder roll is there a point where when you're tripping and you're trying to do the roll that you just pretend like you meant to be on the ground

is that is there a a point where you oh no i meant to be down here yeah i mean you you have to lean in wherever you are and whatever you do that's what you meant to do. I would encourage everybody to go to spitballers. Roll, roll, roll. Well, if we're going to stay on the scat, it ended with a, it ended with a. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The laughing was him jogging after he had tripped. Like it was making everything better. But I looked like a real jogger.

I mean, I had my joggers on. 138 episodes. 138 episodes 138 episodes do you do you fear the scat the same or more than than when we started no i mean when we started i feared it very very very much so i would say more definitely scatter spiders oh That's not close I will scat in front of The Super Bowl crowd I will Right after the National Anthem Lady Gaga's crushing it And I gotta go out and I gotta scat

Bring it on I don't want me no spiders Spitballerspod.com if you want to learn how to support the show Be an official Spitwad You can do so over there at spitballerspod.com YouTube.com Slash spitball how to support the show, be an official Spitwad, you can do so over there at spitballerspod.com. YouTube.com slash spitballers to watch the show at spitballerspod on Twitter. Let's get this thing going. Would you rather.

All right, Sam, from the website, would you rather have a puppy that is already potty trained but chews everything up or have a puppy that doesn't chew on anything but constantly goes potty inside the house okay so two big puppy problems which one is worse as a simple question i feel like this was a lot of long-winded, like, this is like a what's worse, a puppy that chews or a puppy that goes potty in the house. But, I mean, I thank you for your support and your question. Thanks, Sam. It's important. You have a new puppy.

Mm-hmm. And you haven't been a full-time dog person. Not recently, no. We had a dog about 10 years ago for a few years, and then we just got it. You had a pretty large gap. Oh, yeah. So you're fresh. I mean, I would say a decade is that's a new, that's a re-entry into the dog life.

How is dog life going? Do you have a potty problem? Do you have some chewing problems? What's going over there in the hallway hallway house hallway house yeah it's been very interesting because he came into our house rather reserved as a puppy and we had a couple accidents very small mostly potty trained right away he's become more mischievous now because i think i hear the the three dayday, three-week, three-month, those are like kind of some thresholds for puppies when they get into your house. So like, you know, after three days, he changed a little bit.

And then after three weeks, he's starting to feel comfortable. Like he's, you know, you open the wrong door, he's going to dart and grab. He doesn't care what he grabs. He grabs something. He just turns around and runs the other way. You can't take the dog out of the puppy no as they say is that what they say that is you can take the puppy out of the dog uh you can't take the dog out the puppy what the the thing is is he is not a destructive chewer. He'll grab a sandal or a shoe or something he shouldn't have,

but it's mischievous and he doesn't sit there and you don't walk in and lose something valuable for a long period of time. So I feel like I would rather have the chewing because I haven't experienced massive destructive chewing. Now, Jason, I feel like you have. Oh, yeah. like the destructive chewing thankfully it's not um anything of value they've never chewed on shoes they've never chewed on uh our couch our stuff they don't they haven't chewed on the couch or walls like i've seen dogs what are they chewing on their food they're chewing on our food and garbage. If you leave something on the counter, they would never, never in a million years, if we're in the room or downstairs, they know better.

They're really smart, well-behaved dogs. But if you leave and you didn't put that loaf of bread away, you just wrapped it back up and that's on the counter. Oh, that's gone. You say bye bye. And the problem is, as they do this, and recently we had that for the first time ever, they got stuff out of the pantry. This wasn't like a we left it on.

Wait, is this Jurassic Park style? Did they open up the door? Sugar can open the door. Sugar can absolutely open the door. Your dog knows how to open a door? 100%. We have the lever handles. Oh, no.

We need to replace them with knobs or something because she can open every single door in our house. All his dogs walk on two feet, too. We've trained them well. And like their father, they love to eat. They love the pantry the pantry is their favorite room of the house but yeah we had um you know those jack link sausages okay so at least she's making good choices in there oh yeah i mean she knows what she's going to protein right but we we put it like in this box that was down low in the pantry and huge mistake but here's a real problem with the chewing for us

it's not destructive from a value standpoint but at the end of all of it if i haven't been in my backyard in a week and then i go out to the backyard i'm like what happened out here because over the course of time they've just shredded up a bag of something and there's a billion little pieces everywhere i feel like that's worse than a than a piece of poop i gotta pick up and this question is specific to puppies so i feel like puppies puppies got good poop yeah but my point is that they're always gonna get potty trained i've never seen a dog that just never got potty trained. You know what I mean? Like they picked up bad habits and then they're 12 years old. They're still crapping inside.

But there are dogs that, while they're potty trained, there are dogs that have the excitement pee. I know that my parents have struggled with it. They have two dogs. We all got that. I mean, who doesn't have a little couple, you know. Couple dribbles. Couple drops of pee come out when you're laughing and having a good time.

This is not a couple drops, though. There's a line. This is a piddle. It's a piddle paddle. Mike, what is your vote? Well, you're not going to catch me in a carpeted house. Man. As the resident janitor of the house, when the dog goes in the house, this is a dad issue.

I will take the chewer so I can lighten the load on me cleaning up dog feces and dog pee, which I've cleaned up plenty in my life. Let me just, for the record, state that I will take either of these two, pooping in the house or chewing in the house, over dogs that eat poop out of each other's butts. Because that's what we had growing up. And that was a couple of beagles. That's not a breed I really want anymore. No, I always tell my dogs, don't eat poop. You know, it's not good for you.

It's not good for your teeth. Not good for any part of you. But please eat all the paper you want just you guys love paper um i'm definitely taking the poop and pee in the house because i think eventually that dog will grow out of it it'll be fine i don't want them to start they're gonna grow out of the chewing too and this is on your this is on your carpet too is not, you don't just get a little quick, quicker picker-upper. This is not a tile. You're saying I can't have a hardwood-floored house like I have? I mean, come on.

You don't have any carpet? Maybe upstairs, but I've got... Okay, there's poop on it now. Maybe I'll put a baby gate. All right. That has been one of our strategies, too. We do have, like, we bought, like, three baby gates, and we block off certain parts of the house,

and it's fabulous because then less things to eat. All right, Chase from the website, would you rather always wear an eye patch over your dominant eye or always wear an earplug in one ear? Okay, well, I've got to ask this question. The dominant eye thing? Yeah, I'm sure it's probably true, but do you guys have any idea which one is your dominant eye thing yeah i i'm sure it's probably true but do you guys have any idea

which one is your dominant eye i mean i i'm right-handed so i you know i'm right-footed i imagine it's my right eye but i have no idea how do you check this i have to believe that i know i know how you check it do this put your finger in front of your face okay and then close one you can do this with us at home. Do it while you're driving. Put your finger in front of your face, okay? Okay. Now close one eye and close the other eye. And if whatever eye. I can't see anything.

No, not at the same time, Mike. I was with Mike. I was like, okay, this is a joke? Everybody close your left eye. Okay. Open and close your left eye. Does your finger move? Yeah, but it moves both times no no matter which so here's

a better way to do it make a triangle with your hands what like an illuminati triangle you know you don't need to interrupt me al i had it on lockdown then pick an object in the distance and center it keep both eyes open center that object in your triangle and then alternate eyes and if it stays centered that's your dominant eye exactly oh wow yeah oh so my right my right eye is my dominant eye my right eye is my dominant eye dude we have a dominant eye yeah the finger thing was gonna work too did you know it didn't move at all both the single finger didn't change at all for either eye but the triangle thing was magical i think you should try the finger thing again later when you're alone is this something you knew andy that we have a dominant eye yes that's why i had you do the finger thing yeah

that's why you had me do a test it doesn't work works your finger test told me that both of my eyes are equally dominant the triangle test told me that my right eye is dominant yeah it was closed this is not what this is about this is would you rather always wear an eye patch over your dominant eye now i don't know why i care about which eye because i don't think having the dominant eye doesn't give you more power do you got better depth perception in that eye because you have a triangle that lines up so i have a personal problem and this is not like a lot more than one race um but i have a bad eye like a legitimately is it your dominant eye no thank goodness it is i didn't i mean i have a dominant eye which is my left eye and that was

before knowing that i had a dominant eye which is also also my left eye, because years ago, I had this, I don't know what happened. It was some disease that got named, but I don't remember it, where fluid leaks in front of my eye. That's called crying, Jason. And it starts leaking out, and it makes me feel real sad. Like when I'm watching a sad movie? Yeah.

Like my disease keeps my disease um so yeah i don't know if you guys have experienced that but i've cried before a lot and i can't read as well through the tears but no there was fluid that leaks like into the front of my lens. Do I remember this? Was this back in the game design days? Yep, this was back in the broken bulb days. Yeah, I remember you having a problem. They said it would go away in six months, and it took two years to go away.

But ever since then, my right eye is blurry. When I get perfect lens correction, it still sucks. Sounds like it didn't go away. I feel like it's like, I believe it's like scar tissue. You know, where it's like it's healed, but there's ramifications left over. I got breaking news for you. What do you call one of the eye doctors? What are they called?

An ophthalmologist? Ophthalmologist. Yeah, they're pretend. Because their only advice to any issue is that it will eventually go away. Yeah, that should clear up at some point in time. Oh, man, get bodied, ophthalmologists. Do you know how many times I've heard that? People tell me, I've never heard somebody go,

yeah, I got an eye issue. I went in, and then they fixed it. It's always like, yeah, it'll go away in a couple years. To be fair, when I was growing up in high school i took a football right to one of my eyes okay and i had floaters where like yeah oh yeah i've been there there's a big honking floaters in my vision what'd he say went to went to the ophthalmologist and like yeah this this should just this is nothing you'll feel better soon by the way way, it's a $200 copay. We'll see you on the...

And we're going to need to see you in six months to make sure it cleared up. To make sure it's still going to be going away soon. Yeah, no, that's true. They either get you glasses or LASIK or just wait it out. We can't really do anything with eyes. I'm sorry, ophthalmologist.

I'm sure you do other stuff. I know you blow air into my eyes. They pop air in your eye. Man, I hated that as a kid. More than anything. Do you like this or do you dislike when I do this? Stare at the balloon. I don't like that.

Okay. I'm going to write that down. Can you guys do that test? His eyes don't respond well to high-speed air. Yeah, we did those tests. They suck. I bet you like that. Okay. I'm going to write that down. Can you guys do that test? His eyes don't respond well to high-speed air. Yeah, we did those tests. They suck. I bet you skipped them because you're so afraid. I can't do them.

Oh, that's right. I have to literally, no joke, not like, oh, I've got to sit on my hands. No, I have to literally get up off my butt so that I can put my hand under it and sit down because I will whack the person's hand away like sometimes if it's the balloon thing that's that one's okay but like there's a handheld glaucoma test where they they come and they get it right by your eye and they and and it and it shoots air and I'm I can't let I'm like no you're not. You're not allowed at my eye. This is my private space. And I literally hit them away. Like, like my arm hits their arm and says no.

And I have this. And then I apologize for myself. I'm like, I am so sorry. I don't know why he's doing this. Jason. Jason can't get LASIK because he's so sensitive about his eyes. Unfortunately, that is half true true i am very sensitive about my eyes to be fair so uh andy has lasik yeah i i had lasik as well after i graduated college i don't

know what your story of your lasik was andy but i so the operation they put this uh they essentially they put something on your eye that like keeps it open and it suctions really really really hard and to the point of it's uncomfortable it's uncomfortable painful and i don't know what what other people experience but i had mine and my vision just started to cone in until it was just absolute darkness and And I'm laying there going, I've made a terrible mistake. This is how I die. I'm dead. I'm never seeing again.

But everything turned out okay. And actually, so I will give this piece of advice. If you're going to go and get LASIK, don't do it when your favorite sports team is in the playoffs because the Phoenix Suns had a playoff game that night against the San Antonio Spurs. And you couldn't watch it. Oh, I watched it. I watched it, but it was incredibly painful.

Each time I had to open up my eyes to watch. Mike, did you say that there was something that suctioned your eyeball? Yes. Okay, I thought you say that there was something that suctioned your eyeball yes yes okay i thought you said that and that was that really hurts my feelings right now i couldn't do lasik and they said i literally couldn't do it because the size of my cornea or something your cornea yeah yeah no they're too small i needed i need bigger corneas or whatever is in the front of your eye. I don't know. Andy, did you see that? A little cornucopia over here. I'm super happy now that I can't get it because that sounds like a nightmare where I will

leave arrested for fighting the doctor. No, they give you a Xanax beforehand. You're fine. You'll be fine. That is true. I'm going to need a horse tranquilizer over here get this guy's is this gorilla grade over there all right all right um what was the question i was the question i i patch your ear plug uh yeah ear plug i want depth perception i want to

play sports i don't mind if i don't hear you as well it's not just here i've i've never had i've never had to actually experience full eye injury where i only have one of them but i have had many bouts of one ear just fully plugged and it is it is horrendous like it it's it's painful you you're you're discombobulated all the time. Jason, have you ever had a bad ear problem? Yeah. I mean, I, I know what you're talking about when one of yours plugged, it's an, it's an absolute nightmare and everything sounds weird and you have to like turn to hear people. But at the same time, because of my right eye problem, like I, I'm just blind. If you cover up my other, my other eyes. So give me the terrible hearing i i choose you fair enough dylan from the

website uh would you rather wear wet socks on your feet 24 7 no no this next one better be bad or uh and that's for a year so you wear them 24 7 for a year so okay gross or dry socks on your hands for a whole year. Look, at the end of this experiment, I would like to have my feet. That's my goal. Let's presume you don't rot away. Yeah. It's the discomfort of the wet sock.

You have wet socks 24-7, but at the end, you're just pruning. Okay. All right. So there's no gangrene i'm not having correct things amputated okay that makes this a legitimate question a very legitimate question because what are you going to do with socks on your hand not a lot you're not thumb wrestling that's for sure that's your biggest concern well i'm just saying it's impossible one two three four Impossible. One, two, three, four. I declare I can't play this thumb more. You aren't thumb wrestling.

You can still play flinch, though, where you slap people on the hands. What else do you use your thumbs for, Jason, other than thumb wrestling? That's the predominant thumb usage around the more house. It would be embarrassing. I mean, I guess it would be embarrassing either way if you're walking in a room and it... Oh, man. You can hide that. I can't live with... Okay, let me phrase this as a question you guys go in the bathroom you're getting ready uh you

you have showered you're ready for the day you go in your bathroom with socks on you step on like just just a little just a little bit of water enough that it makes your sock wet in that like a droplet do you move on and say that will dry quickly, or do you change your socks immediately? The droplet matters here. It would have to be one drop. One drop, I might let it go. If it's one spot, like a little circle on the bottom, I would let it go. If I stepped onto a wet towel and the bottom of my foot got wet, that's changed socks or

dye. I mean, so I would- Does it matter if it's in the toe region or the heel region? No, I don't think so because I just think it'll dry, but I don't think it'll dry if it's the whole thing. Can we all agree that a wet towel on the ground is the grossest thing in the entire world? Can we agree on that? It's pretty bad be on the ground there's a lot of things supposed to be clean it should be off the ground well not if you use it to i don't know soak up a spill

okay well that's not your bath towel i'm talking about a bath towel on the ground so that's a thing for you that bothers you i think it's egregious is there a lot of towels on the on the floor in your house not for me yeah i was gonna say it sounds like that's a that's a class c felony i was looking for a lot more support there considering mike likes to clean he can't even step on a carpet in a bathroom. Oh, my goodness gracious. Now, when you're talking about a wet towel, are you talking about a towel post shower, or are you talking about a towel that's soaked?

I'm talking about a towel post shower that has now been thrown under the ground, which, in my opinion, is now absorbing whatever's on the ground into the towel. Because it's wet. Not a big deal to me at all. It's damp. That's not a wet towel. That's a towel that's dried a little water off of the body. But then when you go to use it next time, it's going to be damp still because you left it on the ground.

I can tell you. If you leave it there. Yeah, I could tell you that if I reuse. We're not talking about temporary placement here we're talking about it's home it's on base like you know look i've thrown a towel on the ground and needed to find a towel and grabbed it off the ground i have never is unacceptable to use a wet towel to dry yourself that is you ever been backed into it though where you did the double you did the double shower that day and you hung it up and when you went to grab it, you're like, oh, my gosh, this is moist.

I've been backed into it. Usually when I'm backed into it is this. It starts like this. Help, help, help! Help, help, help! That's our cry in our household when we forget a towel. And then my kid brings me a towel, and I say, thank you. And it's a towel they just used to shower.

And so now I've got a wet towel. I'm like, this isn't help, help, help. This is shame, shame, shame. They bring you their wet towel? Yes, that has happened. You have some jerk kids. Right? No, I've got wonderful kids, but they don't understand that a cry for a towel is a cry for a dry towel.

Is help, help, help always towel related or is that just a new toilet paper is probably the superseding issue is that three or is that four helps no it's always three it's a help help help okay um but it's always related to some bottom how do you know what to bring if people are just yelling help help help is the location we're running where he is yeah shower running mike context clues what are you bats you have echo location throughout your house we don't have like this 12 000 square foot manor but like they're they i can hear if a shower is running okay what was the question but isn't your shower always running? Yes, most of the time my shower is going. Wet socks on your feet 24-7 or dry socks on your hands for a year? I will be sock man for a year.

I'm not wearing wet socks. I hate wet clothes. I hate wet clothes so much. Wet socks or wet underpants? Which is worse? I think wet underpants. Yeah, I mean, when you say wet underpants which is worse i think wet underpants yeah i mean it when you say wet underpants pants it sounds dirty like i've sweated i'm saying like dirty underpants and that's absolutely unacceptable but if it's just wet like you got it out of the dryer too early and it's damp i'm

saying clean oh yeah no that does make yeah that makes a difference. You're at a theme park. You went on a flume ride, and you got splashed. You were able to hide your feet up on the insides. Right, but you're sitting in. You got a puddle that just crashed right in your crotch. It takes so long to dry off, man. I've been there at a theme park. Yeah, but the socks will never dry off.

They're in shoes. They will never dry off they're in shoes they will never dry no you can take we gotta do some science here's the problem you can take the socks off and hang them up and walk around without socks you can't take the underpants off oh yes you take your socks off and walk around without socks you can take you can walk around in your shoes without socks if you're arrested. You're arrested. That's disgusting. Wait, what? You have a problem with no sockless shoes? Yeah. Yes, I do. That's how you make stinky feet.

Dude, I was sockless shoes man in the office for like two years. I didn't want to tell you, Mike. Because you never knew. Here's a little hot tip too. A wet crotch makes stinky crotch. So, you know, it's not going the right way either way but i think they dry your socks inside of shoes will never dry neither either one dries does it help if you are happy would it be better to wear the small socks on your hands or the

longer ones up your arm i feel like this has to be the longer ones because this has to be embarrassing. Oh, you're talking about knickers then, right? Aren't those knickers? I think so, yeah. Okay. But I'm picking the wet socks. And even though I hate wet clothes, here's why. We type a lot. We are on our computers and we are typing to each other on Slack.

We're running a business. We're working on spreadsheets. Try typing anything with worse than webbed hands. You've got sock hands. You can't type. That's pretty bad, actually. The voice didn't take everything. And the thumb war. Don't forget the thumb war.

Okay. All right. But typing is a close second. Jason's going to illuminate something for us in just a moment. But first, let's take a quick break. Jason explains in 60 seconds. All right, Jason, you have 60 seconds to explain. I know everything you're going to bring up, so don't worry about it.

I can't wait. What is it? Almond milk. Okay, so a long time ago, about 20 years only, people started to pretend that they were allergic to milk. And they're like, man, I'm not getting lactose from the candy milk. And so people were like, well, have you tried squeezing almonds or any kind of nuts? And so what they found out is that if you take nuts, specifically almonds, usually cashews can also work for cashew milk, but normally almonds. And you mash them up together. You can drink them and you can pretend like it's milk.

The problem is it tastes different. It's stupid. It's not delicious or healthy, not as much protein. And so what happens is people uh they fall victim to this routine and they think okay almond milk is better for you and and the dairy industry is going after almonds they're burning almond trees by the i mean they go to wherever the almond trees are and they just torch them and good for them they should uh because the truth is is that milk is delicious i believe the commercials from our youth where it said it makes a body good and and it's going to And good for them, they should. Because the truth is that milk is delicious.

I believe the commercials from our youth where it said it makes a body good and it's going to help me grow strong. There's definitely no hormones in there. And so, yeah, the point is almond milk is mashed up milk that pretends to be almonds because people pretend that they can't have milk. They pretend to be almonds. They pretend to be milk. Milk, okay. And that is everything that you need to know about have milk. They pretend to be almonds. They pretend to be milk. Milk, okay. And that is everything that you need to know about almond milk. Oh, my goodness. Also, if it's not the vanilla almond milk, it's disgusting.

Are you an almond milk fan, Mike? I can drink it. My daughter has a lactose problem. Get bodied, daughter body daughter oh my gosh so she we we have to get her almond milk good what's so funny to me about milk and this was like i've i spent what i'm about to be 38 i spent 30 plus years of my life i i still love milk. It's delicious. But then it was finally pointed out. It's like, you're drinking the milk from another creature. But the idea of drinking human breast milk as an adult is you have a visceral reaction.

It's unspeakable. Give me the wet socks. And you're like, no, that cow? Give me that milk. I'm cool with that. There were three things growing up that I was like, yeah, these are okay. But if you stop and think, they are unspeakable. There are three things.

One was milk because you're drinking the pregnancy juice of a creature. milk because you're drinking the pregnancy juice of a creature. Two is eggs because you're eating the pregnancy creation of another creature. Like, when did this start? And then the third is braces. So common, but it's like, would you like to put a little bit of cement and metal and bend your bones to look a certain way? Like, I had braces. I'm not talking against braces, but like, when you think about what we're doing.

I love milk. I love eggs. I'm all about that life. I just need to live that life in ignorance so that I don't think and stop and go, this is probably too much for the humankind. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, it is funny because, like, we have lactose issues because we're drinking the milk of another creature and if we you know it wasn't made for us in that way um i bet if it was if it was human breast milk allergies would go way down well it's funny because i've i've heard

this feels like it is this real life but i've heard that they're trying to genetically engineer cows to be able to produce human breast milk because... Excuse me? Yeah, because then you don't have the allergy issues because it's the right hormones. But that would still come from a cow, is that correct? Yes. We have ways to get it, but hold on. Stay with me. What do you mean we got ways to get it you know how

much time that'll take there's not as much as many others on the human i mean if you got production levels or not all right i totally get that it would take a lot more people yeah it would okay yeah but now the money's going back into society, more job creation. The wet nurse industry has kind of subsided since the early 1800s. That's true. Everything you know about wet nurses in 60 seconds. Ready? No.

All right. Let's move forward with another segment. I've got issues. Yes, we do. All right. Should a sandwich be cut horizontally, diagonally, or not at all? I have an easy answer for this. Well, it better not be not at all because that's dumb.

There is, in fact, a mathematical answer to this question. There's a correct answer, so I assume Andy has it as well. I know, Mike, you have it. I have it because we're here to answer these important questions with definitive, objective opinion. These aren't objective facts. Should we do it on the count of three? Sure. Okay, one, two, three.

Diagonally. Okay. This is why I love you guys. You know, it's funny. Growing up, my mom always cut them horizontally. But if my dad made me a sandwich, which was probably one out of every 300 sandwiches I ever ate, he'd cut it diagonal and then made it that much better

because it was unique. It was special. And it fits better. There's always an optimal bite when you cut diagonally. And you avoid the most crust that way because you can get all the way to that corner i mean it's the same amount of crust either way jason no no not eat your crust well of course not the crust is not the delicious part but um no i realize there's the same amount of crust but when it is cut in a square and and horizontally

you can't get to the corners as well as when it's cutting as a diagonal and out of curiosity jason do you do you cut your like a cookie do you cut that horizontally or diagonally oh that's a no cut that's uh that's i don't want people thinking these are pieces for sharing with others or like this is my half but which would you prefer hold on jason uh which would you rather have if you were going to cut a cookie? That's a great question. Diagonally or horizontally? I would go diagonally because it makes a big difference.

Okay. Should showers be taken in the morning or at night? We're not exploring cutting a circle? Well, Jason figured it out there. Yeah, he got it. Okay. Okay. Showers be taken morning or at night? The answer is morning. Okay. Okay. Showers be taken morning or at night?

The answer is morning. Yeah. But only for the sake of the hair grooming. I totally agree because if it wasn't for the hair. Yes, I prefer the night. The night is great. You go to sleep clean. Yeah.

You wake up fresh like if I shaved my head. You wake up 20 minutes later. I mean, going to bed dirty. If you've had a hard day, that's that's rough. Sometimes that's hard to like fall asleep. I might have to do the nighttime shower. But then if you do the nighttime shower, then you have to wake up and do the thing where you like wrap yourself in a towel and put your head under the shower to get the hair wet so you can manage it. We should fix that problem. You know how some kitchens have pot fillers

that are just sitting right by the stove? There should be a pot filler thing above your sink for just wetting your hair in the morning. Like a half shower? That's what I'm talking about, Mike. Straight down into the sink. But that doesn't work because you're bent forward, and it never works.

You have to if we're going to invent that it has to be more like the the little hair wash station at a salon where you are in a chair and lean why does it matter how the water hits you because if you're leaning forward then the water will inevitably get into your face okay onto your beard maybe your your clothes but if you're if you're leaning backwards you you can dry it and if some drops down your back who cares okay why not take your shirt off when you're doing this well they might why not take a shower in the morning right why don't take all your clothes off and just get in the shower i'm a i'm a shower at night guy

pref is that your majority shower yes Yes. Okay. All right. Should corn on the cob be eaten around in a circle or straight across the lines? Oh, man. I've never even thought of this. Nobody ever eats it all the way in a circle. Psychopaths would eat that in a circle. I don't know, man. No way. You don't sit there.

I haven't had a cob forever a cob forever so think you're holding the cop okay and you start on the left okay you you're starting on the left yeah we i mean we're best friends with the cop you're starting on the left you're not gonna eat that thing all the way you're gonna you're gonna eat and then go across before you turn there's no way you eat my natural go to if you look at the video my hands hands are spinning. They're spinning the cob. It's been too long since you've had a cob. I stand by that only psychopaths do that. You think you're a spinner?

I think I'm a spinner. I think you're a psychopath. You're on the FBI's most wanted list. Look, I start on the side. I don't start in the middle of the cob. Okay, you start on the side. I'm not a complete psychopath. Yeah, you could technically spin and go side to side, and you end up with a spiral.

Ooh, that's fancy. All right. Do you dry off in the shower or standing on the bath mat? Oh, I prefer shower every single time. People do that on the bath mat? I mean, it's warm in the shower. I turn the water off grab the towel and then stand in the warm air yes no not me what wait no here's here's the difference here's the no

no no no see here here is the difference i choose like our master bedroom he's gonna tell me his bathroom has the same temperature no matter where he's standing. That's what he's going to tell me. That is basically the truth. That's impossible. Not if you take four-hour showers. Yeah, there Andy gets it. My master bathroom, I don't use because it's the standing shower that doesn't go to the ceiling, and so it's open. It doesn't get steamy.

I need that steam in my life. Can you see the mirror after a shower? You can't see the mirror, right? Oh, no. The mirror is gone. The mirror does not exist. Can you see your hand in front of your face? Barely.

You don't use your own shower? No. No. I mean, technically, yes, I do because all of these showers are my showers. But I don't use the master bedroom shower because I like... How many showers in your house? Three. Okay, you got three.

So is it one shower and then two bathtub combos? Yep, yep. One shower, two bath shower combos. The master has the separate shower and bath. And yeah, the kids actually use the master and I use the kids actually use the master and i use the the upstairs one you you desire you need the steam so bad that you're willing to do you're willing to forego a real shower to go get in the in the tub shower well both are real showers He's saying a pure shower, non-bath. Yeah. You'd rather climb in.

Hold up. Hold up. A pure shower, non-bath is a downgrade over the bath shower tub because you know what I can't do? We're unraveling a really steamy onion. Just a steamy old onion here. You guys have to get on my level on this because here's what I can't do. He sits down in that tub.

There's no question. I can't sit down i can't sit down in the tub while the while the shower's running let it let it hit me and just relax have you know some some moments of meditation i can't do that in a in a just a a true shower because why not i'm i'm uncomfortable on a flat floor why would i sit down on a flat floor when I could sit in a comfy bathtub? Because it's the back wall. It's the 90 degree angle. You need a little different angle.

I'm comforted. I'm held. You want to be insulated. Yeah. Let me ask you. Do you ever plug up the old drain and let it pitter patter raindrops? I would say about half of the time. And then it let it let it pitter patter raindrops i would say about half of the time and then you drain it out uh do you do you wash completely before you sit down and relax

um either or either that's a great question so if i'm gonna plug the bath dirty water no if i'm gonna plug the bathtub i pre-shower but if i if i you know want to want to sit down relax wake up with the with the steam in the water hitting me, then I won't plug it. But here's the truth. I'm going to let you know. The plug is missing in the shower that I use. So it is my heel.

That is my plug. I just put that heel right on that hole, and it works just fine. I'm telling you, this onion, we don't need to unravel it any further. You're also pooping the shower, right? Well, doesn't everybody? In a poll, Al Borland, we need to know what the people are thinking on this one. Do they prefer a standalone shower or the bathtub shower combo? I got to know.

All right. We're going to have to move on into our draft segment of the show. That's all the Jason showering I can handle. But let's take one more quick break. The Spitballers Draft. All right. We are drafting. Well, Jason has the first pick, and we had a couple options, a couple ideas,

and we went with the one that Jason wanted the most, which was the best food pairings. So we are drafting the best food pairings. There are oh so many, and you get the first pick, Jason. So there's a lot to choose from. What is ironic is we did choose this because it was a food draft, and I wanted it. I claimed it. Yeah.

But at the same time, I do not have a 101. I know what the 101 is on most classic lists, but I don't know that I would draft that here. Like classical literature lists? Exactly. Classical literature lists. We know what that is. But when I think

about what I like, what goes together, where I draft, what works in the polls, you know, you gotta kind of bring it all in. And just to clarify here, these are food and food combos. Is that correct? Yeah, they're best food pairings.

Okay. Well, I mean, sometimes you pair with a glass of wine. I didn't know that. We're not talking about there's no liquids allowed? That's the question. If you want to go steak and wine or something like that, that's fine. It's just two things together. Oh, man.

By the way, I can tell you, I did not look anything up. This was all top of the brain. So I don't know if there's some 101 out there or something I'm forgetting but i have my 101 yeah but i'm the third pick we'll see if it trickles all the way down we'll find out you'll get two all right i'm gonna i'm gonna go with just the the classic not not the not the literature but this is probably all of these are classic this is the food pairing that i'm guessing everybody listening to and the three of us eat the most often.

It's a burger and fries. That's the 101, baby. Congratulations. It's easy. It's everywhere. If you're eating a burger, I want some fries with it. I'm not willing to say

that's the one-on-one for sure that was my second that's the second one on my list mike don't give him too much credit he's already got the first pick well look you're up so that was your second pick you get your one-on-one well and that's why i asked the question because my one-on-one is milk and cookies i think milk and cookies is the best possible pairing it's on my list yeah so i'm going near the bottom. Well, that's fine, Mike. You don't have to be smart. Burger and fries was my two.

My second pick. Burger and fries is way better than milk and cookies. Milk and cookies is also on my list at the third from last, but is delicious. I do not hear what I'm not saying. Milk and cookies are delicious. And if I'm having cookies, I want that cow pregnancy juice. All right, Mike, you've got two picks now that you've talked up Jason's pick and talked down mine. And lost my respect on a deep fundamental level. Your pick is whatever.

It's fine. Yeah, but Mike's dessert tastes terrible yeah i know i know milk and cookies come on i really thought that uh burger fries might drop to me here uh so i i have to go more food takes from mike i can't wait i have to go with uh some uh what is a to kill a mockingbird i have to go with uh what rose citizen cane yeah i'll just get it out of the way i will take peanut butter and jelly i will take it off the board i can't believe that you took that over what you think is the superior combo i plan to win people love that PB&J nice fortnight pick there Mike

I was saying peanut butter and jelly is definitely not pandering people love PB&J anybody that would go PB&J over milk and cookies is a lunatic that is the classic 101 it goes together like a peanut butter and jelly

and that's why I had to take it oh man so there are so many difficult choices here and oh my goodness like i i didn't think that this would be that hard but this is extremely difficult to actually rank these live on the show uh i'm gonna go i'll just i'll just continue being a small child and eat ordering off of the kids menu i know that brooks would really appreciate that because he loves the kids menu so much i will take chicken nuggets and ketchup oh man do you do ketchup with the nuggets? No, I don't do. There's way too many good sauces to just go ketchup. I will go macaroni and cheese, please.

Okay. The pasta with the cheese. That one, I wasn't sure if it would fly around here or not. I wasn't sure either, because who's eating macaroni without something? Macaroni can be with other things. You have a mac salad. without something. Macaroni can be with other things.

You have a mac salad. What's crazy about macaroni is it is so ingrained that it's macaroni and cheese. It just doesn't feel like a pairing. It feels like a thing. But it is. It's a macaroni noodle and it's cheese. But when I go to cook my mac and cheese, I grab the box, the one box.

Because it's already assembled for you. Yeah. But when I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I grab the peanut butter. Then I grab the jelly peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I grab the peanut butter. Then I grab the jelly. I grab the milk. I grab the pickles. And when I go to Wendy's, I get a number one.

And that's my burger and fries. I'm not saying that the macaroni and cheese isn't technically a pairing. I just don't think anybody would think of it as a pairing. Well, then I'm out here with my galaxy brain taking high-level picks. They go together. All right, Al, you're fine with macaroni and cheese as a food pairing? Yep. Yeah, it was high on my list.

Because it's delicious. I am going to take breakfast food. I'm taking bacon and eggs. I am taking bacon and eggs with my second selection. The problem with bacon and eggs eggs and don't hear what i'm not saying they're delicious is the eggs part like eggs aren't my favorite they're okay how do you take your eggs um i can go over medium i can go scrambled but usually i would i'm over medium scramble scramble with some cheese some some meat some veggies flip it over call it an omelet that's

how i take my eggs um so like eggs with bacon and then something else but like i wish bacon and sausage was a good pairing you know i mean like that's what i want at breakfast can i get to my breakfast meat with a side of breakfast meat please i think you're up jason i am up and i'm gonna take what is my true 101. When we talked about this, it was the first thing that came to mind. Because this isn't on, you know, I did look up some lists just to jog memories. I didn't see this anywhere. Because it's not like mac and cheese, you know, peanut butter and jelly.

These things that just are clearly always together. But for me, Jason, personally personally sounds like you like my team if i have one i must have the other and i like my steak with mashed potatoes i have to have the steak with mashed potatoes that is a food pairing really oh 100 you dip that no no no no no no owl, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, mashed potatoes, please. Yeah, let's be clear. He did not draft meat and potatoes. He took steak and mashed potatoes. 100%. I don't want scalloped potatoes.

I love a baked potato. But if you're telling me I have to order steak with mashed potatoes or steak with a baked potato, I'm ordering mashed potatoes because I like to dip the steak in the mashed potatoes. You dip the steak? Oh mashed potatoes. You dip the steak? Oh, dude. Oh, man. If you're not used to that, I see why you put burgers over steak. I'm with it because meat and potatoes in any kind of pairing is delightful.

I'm just more confused at the dipping. I do it, too. You cut the piece of steak, scoop up some of the mashed potatoes. Have you ever gone potatoes onto the steak, then cut and eat? No, it's too easy. He's not a barbarian, Mike. That's uncivilized. That's uncivilized.

He's not a barbarian. I mean, this steak's not falling off my fork. I'm going to succeed in getting the scoop all right so now i've got two like two dinners here a burger and fries steak and mashed potatoes so i'm trying to look at maybe a lunch maybe something that isn't my dinner but is more lunch and i'm taking something that again if i have one i have to have the other and this is actually even more so than because i can have mashed potatoes without steak but when i have steak i really want mashed potatoes but in this one i don't want either one of these without the other they have to come as a pair

it is a grilled cheese and tomato soup no it's on my list i mean on my list that's definitely who just wants a tomato soup you ever just, I want a tomato soup by itself. And a grilled cheese, I'll eat it by myself. I mean, by itself and myself. I will eat it. I'll eat 20 of them. But I will, every time, I will want, you know, you got to like end up dipping it in ketchup or something if you don't have the tomato soup.

You don't eat it. You wouldn't eat a grilled cheese by itself without a dip? No, I would. I would. I'm just saying you can. You would rather dip it in ketchup? You've never heard of dipping a grilled cheese by itself without a dip? No, I would. I would. I'm just saying you can. You would rather dip it in ketchup? You've never heard of dipping a grilled cheese into ketchup? No.

But yet tomato soup is so normal. Correct. They're very similar products here, sadly. Yeah, I mean. Similar and yet very different. Well. All right. So did you make both your picks?

Yeah, you did. Are you a ketchup and eggs person, Jason? I am not um i when i was a young boy i went to my best friend's house actually stayed the night it's one of the first times that happened woke up in the morning mother makes eggs he puts ketchup on it and i did everything i could to not vomit at my friend's breakfast table because that appalled me to put ketchup on your eggs. That's probably fine. Yeah.

I mean, my kids do it now and I don't care. Oh, no. I know. I'm disappointed in them. Don't hear. How do they hear about it if you don't do it? Is your wife a ketchup on eggs? My wife puts ketchup on eggs.

I didn't want to say it because you don't choose your kids. You choose your wife and you know that's one of probably the three biggest issues i have but uh it is disgusting and and it happens in the more household all right so you went with uh steak and mashed potatoes and then grilled cheese and tomato soup i will come back here i have milk and cookies bacon and eggs and i'm going to go with chips and salsa i going to go with chips and salsa. I'm going to go with chips and salsa. It's finally something that Mike is upset that I drafted. What a privilege.

Chips and salsa is fabulous. Eating tortilla chips by themselves feels wrong. Never. I would never do that. I'm not supposed to do this, or I'm trying one before the salsa comes out. Right. Because if you eat tortilla chips plain, it just dehydrates your mouth. So salty.

I mean, it's so good, but you need a balance. You need the salsa. You need a nacho cheese. You need something. Now, would you rather... Okay, so rank these three. Salsa, queso, guac oh man uh i would say that that is one of those that's one of those things where i think i would take guac 100 of the time

but the chips and salsa are a classic. And they're so frequently available. That if I had, like I think I would, if it was reversed in how often they were served, I would probably like love the time I finally get some salsa. I would go queso guac salsa. Guac queso salsa for me. All right, am I up? Yep yep you have your last two picks here all right i know one of them for sure my list has actually dwindled let me guess spaghetti

and tomato sauce no but uh but i i do have some honorable mentions on me on my list that will not be dragged oh no i know it's just freaking spaghettios and cottage cheese isn't it you're disgusting you have infected my wife again she only wants if she's having spaghetti she wants cottage cheese with it yeah and it's that's that's two-thirds now of the three biggest issues i have oh man that's so great oh man it's disgusting and it was she a doubter or did she oh she doubted because it sounds and is terrible but it is not it's great all right um uh one of them I know is is easy because like this is you can't even is this breakfast is it lunch is it dinner is it all three absolutely I will take chicken and waffles.

Oh, my gosh. I just wrote chicken and waffles down just now. Yeah. That was one. I thought it might come back to me. I thought I was going to go chips and salsa and chicken and waffles to finish off the draft, but I got one of them. There was a point in time where I didn't, like, as a younger man, I didn't know chicken and waffles was a thing. And someone told me that it was a thing and you get it with syrup and it's like a meal and i was like that sounds so weird and then you try it one time and you realize it might

be the single greatest lunch slash breakfast slash whatever it is it's it fits all three it could be a dinner that's what i was saying i don't think it's because of the pairing i think it's all three. It could be a dinner. That's what I was saying. I don't think it's because of the pairing. I think it's because of the permission. I think it's because like you're allowed to just eat these two awesome, delicious foods that, you know, it's like, yeah,

no, we're, we're saying chicken and waffles is, is allowed. You can have sweets and salties. It is so funny how we do that. It's like, uh,

we make rules about what's a breakfast food and what's not a breakfast food. Yeah, it's very bizarre. And then if you were to have some tuna fish in the morning, you are a monster. All right, Mike. A funny pairing here before I jump into my last pick. I heard Dave Grohl was on, he did the Conan podcast,

and he was talking about a pairing of food that was very bizarre, but somehow he just fell into it after a show. Very funny story, but it was KFC and champagne, and they all discovered that Dave Grohl was eating it and eating it, and then he called everybody over. You've got to try this. They compliment each other? And this became a big thing that they just kept doing and is it just because the champagne ends up masking the kfc like oh it makes this

taste better not knowing what i'm doing maybe maybe but i was i was just throwing it out there maybe but I was just throwing it out there so I've got my I've got to narrow down to two picks one is just it's similar to the chicken and the waffles but it's so good whatever whatever I've got two breakfast types

I'm going to take pancakes and syrup pancakes and syrup because it's great and I have a strong feeling that andy would have drafted it had i let it slip past me would you have anything else uh 100 i had i had chicken and waffles and pancakes and syrup as my last two and all i said to myself was mike just needs to leave me one of these two and i don't have i don't have to panic pick anything else see i feel like i feel like pancakes and syrup is like his macaroni and cheese. Okay, it's a pairing.

Well, he could have gone pancakes and butter. People have no syrup. No, people don't have no syrup. Sure, they have fruit. They have pancakes with butter and fruit. That was a home run. And I'm coming around on the macaroni and cheese, actually. Because it's good. Well, when I look at coming around on the macaroni and cheese actually um all right well i i when i look at him it's macaroni and cheese so i'm gonna just take it uh so now i

have to go to backup plan not macaroni cheese and uh i'm gonna go to the backup plan the only one i got left here and uh and it's it's a pairing that belong together, separated at birth, and then when they reunite, it's magical in your mouth. And that is cinnamon and sugar. That was my other one. Was it really? I was debating between cinnamon and sugar and pancake waffles. So I'm going to go cinnamon and sugar with my final pick. And so I'm happy.

I'm content. I didn't, you know. Good. Get those churros away from Jason. Oh, that's important. Please. Please. All right. You've got one final pick jason then we can we can talk about any i have so many i want here uh but when i look at the list there's one that i feel would be disrespectful to leave off

even though there are others that are maybe more classic that you only eat together but pizza and wings my man i mean oh that's a great pizza and wings is just a good time you're you're watching football you're having a party you've got a pizza over here and then you got some wings right next to it yeah so good that is a tremendous last pick but it's not even on my list and i that's an oversight yeah well uh i my list, and that's an oversight. Yeah, well, I mean, Pizza and Wings, that's... It's hard to list Pizza and Wings. It's got songs about it. Man, my undrafted free agency list is probably the best in this draft

of any recent draft. Let's hear your favorite couple that you didn't draft. All right, we got Spaghetti and Meatballs. Okay, that's classic. You got hot apple pie and ice cream. Biscuits and gravy. That's a great one.

And then the final one I'll throw out is I mean, it's as classic as it gets. It's your go-to. It's your bread and butter. Yep. I got your bread and butter. Cheese and crackers. Yeah, the cheese is a theme that just goes through everything. Ham and cheese.

Ham and cheese. I love a ham and cheese sandwich. And I already took peanut butter and jelly, so I didn't want to take this, but peanut butter and chocolate. I had that written down as well. Peanut butter and chocolate. And chocolate and strawberries. I was like, that would be good too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That too. But now, Mike, if you're making one, wouldn't you make a peanut butter and honey? Isn't that your go-to? You're darn right it is. But you're drafting two other things ahead of it. You're putting two other things ahead of your, yeah. Mike is on a bit of a hot streak lately, and I think he wants to win the game.

Shout out, though, SpaghettiOs and cottage cheese and mac and cheese with tuna fish. Shout out. No, there ain't no shouting. It ain't listening to nobody because he doesn't get shouted out. Oh, so good. Wow. Yeah, those are. You know what I like to do is I like to put chips on my sandwich.

You guys ever do chips on the sandwich? Yeah, like Doritos. Or like Ruffles. Lay's. Yeah, Ruffles. Just give it some crunch and some salt. Hey, Al Borlandland you got anything we We omitted anything that makes you sad

That we didn't include I like anything like salt and sugar So like sweet and salty Also cake and ice cream is a good pairing Cake and ice cream yeah you could go Ice cream chocolate syrup What's your favorite salt and sugar Not salt and vinegar salt and sugar

Any kind of trail mix or like a salted chocolate salt salted caramel yeah okay there you go you lost me a trail mix though what's the popcorn that i'm forgetting the name of the oh kettle corn kettle corn yeah yeah that's a good example i i like to bounce back and forth in definitive salt and sugar categories when i'm deserting or snacking. You don't go hybrid. Well, sometimes, but I mean, I go a bunch of salt, then, oh, I need a bunch of sugar.

Oh, wow, I need a bunch of salt until you die. And I think that'll do it for the draft today. Jason went with burger and fries, steak and mashed potatoes, grilled cheese and tomato soup, a pizza and wings, bringing it home. Pizza and wings, that's so good. I've got milk and cookies, bacon and eggs, chips and salsa, cinnamon and sugar. Mike has peanut butter and jelly macaroni and cheese chicken and waffles pancakes and syrup he's going he's going to town with the pancakes and waffles with the last two

picks and uh only one thing left what did we learn today i learned that ophthalmologists are frauds. They don't do jack squat. I learned that Jason has a very small cornucopia. I learned that Mike would rather not be able to type for an entire year than have wet socks. You're darn right. All right, that'll do it for today's episode of the Spitballers Podcast. I feel like I can get my index finger pointed out.

You'll figure it out. The hunting pet method, yeah. Do us a favor leave us a review support the show by subscribing and we'll catch you on the next episode goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out