Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Quarantine Confessions & Social Distancing Essentials - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

Spit Hit for December 27th, 2021: Isolation can’t hold us down! On this episode, we banter about the grammar police, waxing our bodies, and telekinesis. Make yourself comfortable and enjoy some quarantine confessions as we all isolate in our homes. We wrap up the episode by drafting our 'Social Distancing Essentials'. Stay safe & healthy out there! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What's up, Spitwads? We are celebrating the holidays with our families, and we'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. We're truly thankful for each and every one of you, and we're looking forward to another year full of laughs together in 2022. But until then, grab some treats, gather the family around the fire, and enjoy this classic Spitballers episode. what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and jason it's quarantine time coming for you. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Oh, yes. Yes. I don't, I'm not accepting

this new reality of this world. I don't accept it. I don't accept it. I don't accept remote recordings. I don't expect, I don't accept not having a voice in any capacity. Why did that come along with it? Who knows?

It was really good luck that for those listening, anybody that's a fan of the footballers knows Andy has been sick and he has got on the horse. He is here for the Spitwads. But during this time... This is like strapping some sort

of barely alive corpse to the back of a bronco and saying tame it no it's weekend at bernie's this is what's happening right now that's jason and i are good to go and he's just got sunglasses we will pull you along my friend but i just want to point out how awesome it is if you haven't thought about having a three-week-long horrible respiratory illness while the country's on lockdown for respiratory illness. It's got to be good for anxiety. It's got to be good for mental health. So welcome back, Andy.

I am so glad that we don't have to skip an episode. I, in many ways, know how important it is to be here. That's correct. As stupid as we are, it's also important. in many ways know how important it is to be here. That's correct. As stupid as we are, it's also important. And I know it's important to all of us and Al Borland and company because we want to be here during this absolutely ridiculous time. And Jason is holding up a mug that says, I love you more than I hate your farts,

which is really quarantine material. That's spectacular. My wife got me that mug and because i you know i'm i'm pretty much a known farter i'm yes uh on the fartiest farters list um and uh she got me that mug and i'm like wait a minute if you got this for me like then we're talking about your farts. And she's like, oh, yeah. So I gave it back to her. Oh, that's fair. Yeah, because you are really the pandemic of farts, so to speak. I could have been the patient zero. They say it's bats, but they could be wrong.

So we do have a show that we're going to try to do today. We have a Would You Rather. We have a Situation Room. And we have a timely social distancing essentials draft that we're bringing your way. Because you need to be prepared. At a time like this, what I've noticed from consuming media all day long every day is that experts need to be relied on. That's right. That experts need to be relied on. That's right.

And at a time like this, we are, I mean, look, not to put too fine a point on it, we're the experts. That's right. And so we're going to be here for you. And you can follow us on Twitter at SpitballersPod, SpitballersPod.com, become a Spitwad, support the show. What's going on? In fact, I would just say this, all jokes aside, like this is a time where this i would just say this all jokes aside like this you know this is a

time where this show is just this is nonsense we we don't have anything of substance to bring to the table but we have a good time we have a lot of laughs and i feel like we are one of the like the only shows out there that is a true comedy show that's fun and uplifting that's family friendly like you know put this on. Because right now the worst thing going on in the world is that we're locked in our homes with our children. Am I right? And I know there's children listening, but you need to know this is true for your parents. We love you.

But we are not used to this kind of abuse. But look, we can put this on with you in the room and share and bond over this. Speaking of which, how are your kids' dietary habits? I know you've been working on some refinement there, Jason. My kids eat the four major food groups, and that is it, which is chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, cereal, and breaded chicken. And breaded chicken. That's chicken nuggets as well. You got breaded chicken and chicken nuggets.

Well, but chicken strips will work. We even do chicken patties. They've really expanded their dietary. But no, truly, and Andy's bringing this up because I've been sharing with him personally, like, you know, people are going through frustrations, right? Andy's got a very serious illness right now through this time. His is actually legit and important. But me, I'm like like yesterday i was ready to die

from food fights in my house where it's like okay we've got canned pears they're delicious just eat them they're great they're great i had a whole canned pear can of sliced pears to myself at midnight last night they're fantastic and that is a true story but the point is is that my kids are notoriously we're in full ration time and you're going midnight can of pears i have a confession can i confess something this is so bad for jason will outlive his family the best sorry kids no food left my family will die first because no food my the best part of being so stocked up like we we were lucky we got in early my pantry is was stocked for you know months so many but what i've come to find out is i love canned food canned food is so good whether it's spaghettios

or dinty more beef stew like and so i'm having a cannon hour right now. I'm busting through this stuff. It is wonderful. We have got to get the social distancing done soon because I'm going to be like 450 in like three weeks. That's honestly something that I've been thinking about is there's going to be a lot of things that come out of this situation where everyone is trapped at home and i'm like

there are going to be people that emerge and they're like wait a minute my pants don't fit anymore and then there's going to be people that come out that their pants don't fit because they're so freaking swole and it looks like jason is going i'm going on one of the directions. I'm going on the swole in. Not swole, swole in. That's the direction I'm going for. So the thing is- These are not- We're trying to save lives. The back of the can is not Jason rations is what you're saying.

That's right. We're trying to save lives here. One for me, one for you. Two for me, one for you. Three for me. We're out of food. But the thing is, is we're trying to save lives with the social distancing. Everyone at home, I hope you're doing your part when you can.

And thank you to all the essential people out there that are still manning the jobs everywhere else. You guys are amazing. And I hope people are tipping you in jobs that don't usually get tips. If they can, tip your trash man. But hold on. Stop the truck. I want to give you some money.

I'll be here next Monday. I don't think they have thought through the health downsides of diabetes when we leave this. Because I'm going to have it. I mean, when we're out of this thing and I'm going back to work, I got the beat is for sure. I like the change of expression from social distancing to physical distancing. I heard somebody say that they prefer that term. And I like that because mercifully, we have things like the podcast and the internet and Twitter and Instagram and Facebook and our phones. We have the ability to be social without being

physically close. And I appreciate that change of thought because it's easy to be feeling like you are isolated right now. So we want to bring you some joy from a distance. Really good point. I had not heard that yet. It's physical distancing. Yeah. We don't have to stop social media.

Yeah, I am physically, I have a distance between me and my actual voice. And I'm trying to close that gap. But right now, we're going to get it going. And I'm trying to close that gap. But right now, we're going to get it going. Would you rather? All right, Max from the website, would you rather constantly make grammar and spelling mistakes? And it says in parentheses, like Jason.

Oh, Max. Or, so would you rather be Jason? Or be the person who corrects everybody's grammar and spelling every single time they make a mistake which that person sucks that person sucks for sure as as as people who are in the public speaking world that's right we get we get those those people and and they suck um but i believe you mean a fewer yes yes we have a few of those people not more um but we got to change this question a little bit right because if we're saying makes grammar and spelling mistakes like jason which i do i've been known to have i mean there's a twitter spin-up account jason more isms because I say stupid things from time to time. But in fairness, we've had like a thousand hours of public consumable speaking.

We've all had our faux pas. Everybody's going to do it. So I think this really needs to be heightened. It's got to be like, would you rather be someone who is always saying the stupidest things at all times? You sound like a dumb, uneducated. Well, I think that's the implication, right? If you always make grammar and spelling mistakes, you are dumb. Right, but it said like Jason.

Oh, that part. I love myself. I think it was a tongue in cheek. Yeah, I know. Would you rather be perceived dumb or would you rather be perceived as the worst as the grammar police that's really what this question is i think you nailed it there would you rather genuinely would you rather be perceived as a complete idiot and everyone thinks you're dumb you can't get anything right or would you rather turd face or a turd face wow you know

actually what's funny is this question had no difficulty to me it was like i would much rather be the person who makes grammar and spelling mistakes we all make mistakes 100 like i'm not going to be the jerk that's just going around being like superman does good you do well um although i i do throw that one out you do say that we do that every time but that's because it's a joke at this point but But when Andy refers to it as, would you rather be perceived to be a complete idiot or would you rather be perceived to be kind of a jerk know-it-all, that is actually a difficult decision because...

Yeah, but every jerk know-it-all that I know doesn't care. They don't mind being a jerk know-it-all. They really like it. Yeah. That is true. That is. And they, the problem is like,

if you are making the mistakes, do you have the, the self loathing? So, okay, let's, I mean, the question was directed to Jason. Jason,

do you have self, self loathing about your grammar and spelling mistakes? I see Andy vehemently shaking his head., because he knows that I don't have any self-loathing at all. Not even a smidge? Well, I'll walk you through this, because I have no smidge. I love myself. I'm happy with who I am. The pros and the cons.

I love me so much. Yes. But I will say this. I will say this. Look, I play for better or worse a buffoon here and we try to be ourselves, but it's hyperbolic on here, right? A lot of times people see me and they hear me talk about how fat I am and they're like, I thought you were going to be way fatter than you are. Sorry that I threw that accent out. No one has said that ever. But it's one of those things where i will say from time to time when you get

pigeonholed into that and you actually are thought of as a dumb person like you know i say a lot of dumb things i i make i make fun of myself when you feel like oh my gosh people are starting to think like i am dumb or i can't do things that does have like that has had you do think about it i do think about it from time to time because he's a human it took 1200 episodes to break through yeah well that's crazy you're one of the smartest people i know so well it's not in in all things like the fat thing and he knows three people i know three people and you're one of them you're one of the three people i know i want you to know that you're one of the people i know and people and you're one of them you're one of the three people i know i want you to know that you're one of the people i know and one of the smartest you're top you're in the top

three that also makes you one of the handsomest yeah and you're one of the handsomest people that i'm aware of so yeah it's one of those things where like i don't care about the fat jokes at all because i've done this to myself you know know? I deserve what I get here. But, you know, when it comes to, like, intelligence. It's not you. It's the quarantine, man. Now, you have a full scapegoat right now. It's the quarantine. I'm loving it.

I'm packing on. I'm putting on masks, as Matt would say. You're putting on masks, and it's not your fault. You are putting on masks to save the human species right now. Yeah. How does that? You're a superhero, man. Okay.

Well, for you. You're social distancing, and it has its side effects. Well, we're at home. I can scream for my wife to bring me SpaghettiOs and, you know, just do more for the people. Oh, my goodness. Okay, so what is your final answer before I go on to the next Would You Rather? I'm the grammar police. I'm being the dumb guy. Okay, so what is your final answer before I go on to the next Would You Rather? I'm the grammar police.

I'm being the dumb guy. Yeah, me too. By the way this question is asked, I am definitely going to be the dumb guy. By the way Andy asked, I would rather be perceived smart and jerky than an actual idiot.

Okay, alright. Alexandra from the website, would you rather have to shave your face every single morning or wax your chest, legs, and armpits once a month? Oh, once a month? Wow. How often?

Here's a poll question because I genuinely wonder this just because I figure every guy's different. I don't really like shave. i do it like once a week i'm like a blade like a razor shave like a razor shave on my neck maybe every saturday look nice for church otherwise i it doesn't grow fast enough to where i need to do more than that if we're talking about an actual blade a blade has not touched my face since my father taught me to shave when i was like 16 years old that's how long it's been since i've taught you with a blade though

yeah oh because yeah that's like his poppy taught him well i'm the butcher knife let's go to work on your face i haven't done it since i mean i'm in the wild west with a knife where i shave part of my face and then i eat part of an apple. I mean, like a razor. Other than that, it's been all an electric trimmer. And really, you don't use that, right? No. It's such a nice feeling to be clean.

It's such a beautifully nice feeling to be completely clean. Is it? It's wonderful. You like razor burn? I've tried to spin the big... No, I wonderful you like razor burn i've tried to spin the big no i don't get razor burn i'm a professional and i spend i've spent all the money on those really fancy three circular blade things that you guys talk about and they stink it's the you can go back to the old school mock threes and you get a nice clean shave just like my grandpappy. And I think

the implication of this question, too, you guys are going to be clean shaven, like baby-faced. We're not talking just shaving the neck up and cleaning the head. Which is a problem for Mike because of his brand, a problem for me because of my weight. And so these are real issues of losing that beard. And that's

a problem with the brand because look, we're in quarantine i mean we're look we're in quarantine times and and it's we're all being honest with each other right now i shave my chest i shave my armpits i don't shave my legs i have neared them before in my life and it was pretty fun being a dolphin for a for a couple weeks like it's pretty outstanding so dolphin with a beard well i think at that time i had like baby beard because i was in my younger 20s and i couldn't actually grow a full beard yet so i think i would rather wax i can tell you for sure for sure i'd

rather wax i have waxed before i've waxed you know my back where have you waxed oh yeah i've waxed my back you know the upper neck back area which is quarantine confessionals that's what's happening right now quarantine confessions no but good for you no like i mean i'm not like one of those weirdos i don't have outrageous back hair it's yeah i mean those guys are the worst what's that like i hide under a thin sheet of hot wax well it's really a thick coat of hot wax but the thing is about like waxing waxing waxing might get a bad rap because of the pain but it's fantastic how long does it gets the job done, man. How long does it last? How long does it last? A couple weeks. Yeah, I would say for me, it was like a month. I mean, it depends on where you're waxing,

but when I wax the top of my neck and my back area, I'm sure you guys trim up back there. No. You're telling me below your hairline in the back that it doesn't grow? My neck. That's what I'm talking about. Okay.

Quarantine times, our things are getting out of control. I said doesn't grow my neck my neck my neck that's what i'm talking about okay it quarantine my back things are getting out of control i said the top of my you said back i did say back but i also said the top of my neck like the the top of my neck into the the upper back area is where i've waxed before and it was like a month and and it's not just it's not just like oh it looks better it feels better it's sure it's great so i, oh, it looks better. It feels better. It's great. So I'm taking the wax. I'm going anti-dolphin. I'm going to shave my face every day. Oh, man. Baby face.

But he thinks that that is cleaner. He says, don't you like to feel clean? Yeah, I like the feeling. But he only wants to be clean on his face. My body's a disaster. Chest, legs, armpits. No, i don't want to be dolphin boy i mean that'll that'll be a really long period oh we're legs in on here too yeah that's right yeah yeah that's yeah jay suddenly you're changing look the truth is uh look another quarantine

confession since i was a young team yeah you know where this is going because I've shared a story about some... Very embarrassing. Bullies. Some bullies in high school basketball. Quarantine confessionals. Wait, what? I've never heard this story. Yeah, so...

You got bullied? I only got bullied a few times. I wasn't like... Because of your back hair? When I was a young kid, I just had this luscious locks coming out of the middle of my back. And they were like, what the heck's wrong with you? Look, I'm not saying you should bully, but if someone's got them right out of the middle of the back and that only, then. If you got a braid going down the spine.

No, but it was the opposite. It was like, I think I hit puberty a little later or not really. That's the problem because I don't have that much leg hair. Like, I just don't. Maybe more of a hop, skip, and a jump. I don't either. Over some of the key parts. Yeah, and so like, you know, the kids that were getting all the leg hair

were looking at me and being like, oh, you poor boy. So, yeah, it'll be easy for me to wax my – Yes, those are the – I don't think they're smart enough to be the Kramer police. All right, I'm waxing. All right, Jody from Patreon. I know Mike's waxing. Would you rather have super strength in the pinky finger on your non-dominant hand?

Okay. Wait, what? Or telekinesis? So for me, my right pinky. Telekinesis, but only over objects that are within arm's reach. That'd be awesome. But you can already reach it. But if you're telling me right now I can have this mug come up to my face and drink it while writing.

If I want to write a multitask, I can do that. That's awesome. Is that less pragmatic, though? Yes. I think the point of this is it's a simple, if you can already reach it, it's now just a parlor trick. Like you can't, is there really anything like really effective you can do i know you're you talked about the multitask but here's what i challenge you with jason there's no way you're concentrating on telekinesis writing with a pen

and doing other things you're thinking about the writing once again calling me dumb uh no i'm just saying look this is a superpower for telekinesis yeah you know the focus it takes for telekinesis mike you're as a superhero expert yes uh so if but this is superhero power which means anything within my reach i can i can orchestrate and that means i am literally the world's best juggler. I think this is Jason. Jason can juggle instead of help his friends move. He doesn't want to get caught in a situation where he has to use his non-dominant pinky to lift a lazy boy for a friend of his.

That's the situation. But my issue there is like, let's say I'm helping move that baby grand piano. And I've got super strength in my pinky. You know what i don't have on my pinky super balance what how are you gonna pick that like okay it's super strong but it's your pinky like how are you gonna pick this thing up and you could drag it and ruin it and the floor but like how are you gonna lift it and hold it perfectly on my because it's super strength like Now, if you're picking something up that is really, really light, you can balance it because it's light. Pick a sheet of paper up, Mike, with your pinky and just move it across the room.

My super strong pinky? No, but your super strong pinky is easy to pick up a piece of paper. You're not going to be able to balance it. Yeah, I disagree. Which is more impressive to your friends? The impressive so this is really funny we're both arguing for the opposite thing but immediately i think well if i could actually lift a piano with my pinky that's more impressive so it's really just a matter of which one do we want and i feel like people lift things already it's impressive

i lift more than other people lift but not with their brains i've never seen anyone move something with their mind before in real life i mean i mean in theory if you have the telekinesis you could simulate the pinky thing all the time right it would seem like your pinky's really strong okay that's a great question how strong is the telekinesis is it it's the strength of like if you could actually pick it up with your arms then you can lift it up but like way stronger than that way stronger way stronger this is your mind how do you work out your brain my brain needs no workout it is extraordinarily canned peaches no but yeah peaches only maybe i have to walk along with the piano

you know to to keep it in my mind's grasp but that's way more impressive now i think i'm going telekinesis i'm going with the telekinesis as well but i imagine the magic tricks you could come up with like have you pick a card put a card and then all of a sudden it's floating behind my back around your back it's in your back let me get caught in the back hair though well yeah and and what how far behind your back can you actually reach this is arms distance oh that's true i can't reach behind someone well all right final way in i got i got telekinesis come on it's definitely telekinesis come on mike tried his best to argue for I tried. But moving stuff with your brain? But I think everyone, when they heard the question, was like,

that's clearly telekinesis. I agree. I agree. I'm going to go that one as well. All right, let's get into the Situation Room. Whether it's saving more, spending less, getting organized, maybe working on that fitness, look, there's a lot of worthwhile goals to set yourself up this year. And check this out. Maybe you want to learn a new

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The Situation Realm. All right. Very important situation. As you sip from your fart mug, Nathan from Patreon, you three are running against each other for president. What piece of dirt are you holding on to that you can strategically bring up on each of your co-hosts in order to slander them right before the election oh man well that look this is this is a little timely but i would uh i would pull out i would pull out the old broken bulb medical records this is the business i used to run that we were all a part of and i would say and Andy Holloway is not a man that can stay healthy I would pull out all of the all of the uh sicknesses and illnesses and miss I believe Andy you correct me if I'm wrong did you have your tonsils you had your tonsils taken out

right yeah I had them taken out Jason and listen weak listen weak'm sorry. I'm sorry I have asthma, Mr. Bare-Legged Boy. I'm sorry that I was born with asthma. I apologize to you and yours, but you know what? My constituents understand a person who understands them. And you know what? People out there have issues. People out there have trials. I think people want to vote for people with tonsils. I mean, i think they don't want to be like well that guy had to be removed because his body didn't how is that a fair point mike because the people like we know we know that people with tonsils are the people that can get things done clearly you're hiding something with that beard that's what i would be bringing up to

the people look you are how dare you we just we've got plenty of photos with him without a beard and we'd put those out and be like wait a minute he's not cool this has nothing nothing to do with my tiny little subpar baby chin i don't have a beard i like that i came back on this episode to receive this bashing that's what i like yes that's what we like that this these three weeks four weeks this was worth it i'm really glad yeah well you need to take some more time off huh i would mention i would mention mike's uh old i think it was xbox handle oh yeah that's my old email address i guess there were some other old nicknames that we can't bring up

because we promised family. Nassal spray. Mike has a history with illness as well. That's true. I do, but you know what? None of that makes you unable to run for president. We currently have people in their near 80s. And that's exactly where I'm going against my opponent here,

Jason Moore. Your toughest opponent. Bring it on. My toughest opponent is. Because I know what should come out. Oh, well, I was going to go with, well, Jason Moore, what he hasn't told you is he expected to live to the age of 36. That's true.

That's when he thought he was going to bite the big one. And I need someone in the Oval Office who can stand the test of time, not someone who's counting the days. Not somebody who will end up in his children's bedroom with an entire sheet of Hawaiian rolls when crisis strikes. That's what we need. I'm a man's what we need i'm a man of the people i'm a man of the people understand that you're a man of the peaches jason you stole the peaches that's what that's what happened kids we're out of spaghettios franco un-american that's what i

say to you yeah okay well we'll uh we'll stop that mike Mike's easy. He has tattoos and shaves himself in weird places. So no one's voting for him. We already know that. And I'm not even running. He's so not running. He's so ineligible. He's not running. My eligibility or my electability is out the window.

And I was born in Jerusalem, Israel. So I can't be president. Suddenly I'm president. At the be president. Suddenly I'm president. At the end of this, I'm president. Jennifer from Twitter, you have 30 minutes to hide a USB drive in your house. Your house will then be raided by police, detectives, and some FBI agents all searching for the USB. Where do you hide it so that it will not be found? We can work together here. We don't

have to bash one another. We're back on the same team. We love each other again. Is there a way to weight it down to where it would stay in a pee trap of a toilet? No, that water would destroy that. USB's just throwing. We're just spitballing.

This is spitballing. We're just spitballing. This is spitballing. We're just spitballing. What is next? It's up to me and Andy. Well, I'm trying to... I mean, you only have 30 minutes, right? So you don't have the opportunity to go dig a hole for three hours or something of that nature to try to hide this. Man, so where...

I don't know what the best thing to do is. You put in air vents. I feel like... Now, they're going to it in air vents i feel like now they're gonna check the air vents they're gonna check the closets they're gonna check check the fridge they're not gonna check the canned peaches oh can you recan is the real question i probably not here's why you can't recan and it's it's a beautiful thing it's because no no no this is your entire excuse that you have to eat the entire can of peaches look have to uh how big are these cans they were

gonna go bad really really big old like gallon cans no it's just like a regular can but i thought i thought like when i opened that can last night at around midnight, I thought to myself, this will be like eating a peach. Or, I'm sorry, a pear. It was pears. I thought, oh, this would be one pear. And then 12 halves of pears came out of this can. I was like, oh my gosh, I'm eating so many pears. And it was delicious.

And I did drink some of that juice as well. Do they maintain their value their their uh nutritional value in in the can who are they the same hairs they're delicious if do you mean like in the sugar water yes yeah they maintain the sugar the the pop tops now like they're all pop tops you don't you don't put them to the can opener you just crack them which means the lid is bent you can't re-can as far as for deception. You know, you could put some tinfoil over the top. They're going to open that tinfoil up.

They're definitely going to check. Nothing's suspicious about this can. They're definitely going to check. It's covered in tinfoil. That's the normal top. I mean, mattresses are too common, right? People stuff things in mattresses. Yes.

So you've got to go exactly where they think you are. What about hiding in plain sight? Exactly. where i'm like like plugged into the computer that's a little too plain sight well plugged into the television televisions have usb sticks now you know it's a chromecast it just looks like a chromecat that's dude i think we got it i think you plug it your TV. And then you write Chromecast on it with a sharpie and you'll be set. Yeah. Google. Google brand Chromecast for reals.

I think the issue here is that when you purchase said USB, you got to have the foresight to grab one that looks like a Chromecast. That actually is kind of smart i'm guessing they'll grab it and you're in trouble i'm googling right now chromecast all right miles from twitter you go into one of your kids classes for career day suddenly the teacher gets extremely sick and runs out of the room saying you are in charge for the rest of the day, dear sir. What does the rest of your day look like and what will the kids learn? Oof. So, like, I guess we're talking about what's our best subject?

Our best elementary subject? I don't know if that's what it is because let me tell you a little story, okay? Once upon a time, I taught children how to play sports as a teenager. I worked for a company and they hired a bunch of teenagers to teach kids sports. And let me tell you something, teaching really small children, kids classes, it's very intimidating, especially when you have the pressure of like parents or people watching you and you don't know what the agenda is. I was never given

a here's your daily curriculum it was like go teach them sports here's 40 kids that makes all the difference do you have people watching you or not if people are watching you you have to do a good job because i know what my day looks like like i've i'm the principal's walking in and they're observing so the movie is out the national the movie is out? The National Geographic movie is out? With young kids, you're not holding their attention with National Geographic movies. I don't care if I hold their attention. Oh, you care when they start going wild in the room like, ah! Even though we have DVDs and streaming technology,

I am going to go get one of those large tube TVs with a VCR so that I can play educational videos for the remainder of the day. I'm going to roll it in slowly and that's what I'm doing. Have either of you guys done career day yet? I have not been to a career day. I have done career day. I can't wait though. Because how was it? Pretty cool career. It was all right. I did career day and since we've been doing the podcast. So I went into my son's class. i think this was two years ago so that put him in first grade and we were doing career day and i was talking about being a podcaster and then i have to like i have to like make things up it's like kids here's what you need to learn in school math i need math all the time which to be fair

when we're doing our football analysis, we do actually need math. Wait a minute. Did you say to them that you really need to know math? Yes, I did. Oh, my God. Mike, come on. My takeaway from grade school was that I didn't need math. Yeah.

This was first graders, though, man. They need to know math. I had a sixth grade teacher promise me that i was going to need these certain things she was teaching and i remembered it and i've never needed it i have let jason come on come on when we're making our spreadsheets in excel we do in google sheets yeah in google sheets how dare you sorry we we use a lot of math and i can promise you i learned none of that math in high school you I had that all way before. What about first grade?

Sure, it was after first grade. Know your audience, man. That's step one. You've got to fill seven hours. If it's first graders, we are going for the world record of Simon Says, because let me tell you something. I have plenty of experience corralling a bunch of young kids, whether this is, you know, running a children's ministry or just my wife has.

She's from a family of nine kids. We have kids over all the time. We're usually like 12 kids in the house. Not right now. Not right now. Feels like 50, only three. But I have a lot of experience corralling a bunch of kids, and it is unbelievable the dedication, the silence, the effort, and the longevity that you can get away with Simon Says.

They will do. They're a rowdy bunch. They're all going nuts. And you say, Simon Says, touch your head. Everybody stops. It's just like, I'm in. I'm in on this game. And they have to listen and pay attention.

And it's the easiest'm in i'm in on this game and they have to listen and pay attention and it's the easiest thing to come up with because i'm just like coming up with like uh uh puff your cheeks out simon says run a mile around the school yes and you guys ever play heads up seven up oh yeah so oh yeah i remember loving that you ever cheat i don't i'm sure i did i don't remember what it was can you explain the game to me again because i i haven't played it in i'm guessing too long to admit so i go ahead go ahead andy okay i'll explain it so you put your head down and you put your thumb up and there are seven people who are it they walk around and then if they choose you they tap your thumb you're And there are seven people who are it. They walk around.

And then if they choose you, they tap your thumb. You're supposed to have your eyes closed. So you put your thumb down. And then once the round is beginning, there are seven people up there. If your thumb was tapped, you stand up. And you have to guess who tapped your thumb. And so the way that you cheated was you kept your head down, your eyes open, and you looked at people's shoes. Yeah, you did.

And then you looked up and said, I saw those shoes. I know it was you. It was Emily. That's 100% true. That is exactly how it. Yeah, there's no way I didn't cheat at that game. So you can go seven hours. Assignment says that seems very involved.

You're going to have to keep giving instructions. Oh, dude, you can kick back, put your feet up. I mean, you literally can be eating a donut while saying, Simon says, drop it in a circle. And you don't even have to be the judge of who didn't do it, because as soon as someone doesn't do it, you got five other people on them. Oh, yeah, this self-polices. It's fantastic.

Simon says, play on your iPhone. Yes, for all the first graders out there alright you guys ready to draft let's do it the spitballers draft alright Al why don't you tell us what we're drafting we are drafting social distancing

essentials or physical distance this is good go distancing i think al borland has drafted one of my essentials which is i don't we'll get alcohol all right um okay so this is something we're all learning right now, but we're the experts. So obviously we'll draft the proper 12 things. Now, I don't know how this draft's going to go. Jason has the first pick, and I'm confused as to whether we're going to get more luxury items,

more necessities. I don't really know. But Jason gets to set the tone. I might or might not have been looking at how much hot tubs are and how quickly they can get installed. Because I was like, dude, I just want to go out and use my pool, but I can't. It's too cold. If I had a hot tub out there, we could get out, escape for the night. But that is not the 101.

We'll see if that gets in there. I mean, we're just talking essentials here. So it's probably in the running. I will take a hot tub to keep it away from you i want you miserable thank you i appreciate that um i am of course going to take toilet paper because it is the one thing that everybody needs that everybody's out of i have because everyone is is an animal out there. People, you don't need that much toilet paper. It's good business, Mike. I don't want to admit this. I have purchased toilet paper through eBay.com.

Wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Fantastically, it did arrive. You bought third-party auction toilet paper. You paid. I have personal. What kind of premium did you have to pay for that?

I'm so proud of that premium. It doesn't come cheap when there's people bidding. The problem is, is once you know other people are buying it, you feel like you have to be out ahead of when you're gonna need it and it perpetuates on itself right because if you don't check on it today you're not gonna have it in three weeks but as as someone who lives a certain particular lifestyle as jason i'm ashamed of you that you took toilet paper with the number one look Look, I'm the only one in my household living that life, so we'll see. We'll see if it gets drafted.

I am up now, and I need to get a clarification from you. All right. Because I need to know whether I am drafting the utility of internet or not, because that would be my pick. Is that a fair pick? I don't think you can just draft the internet. You have to draft like...

Something it uses. Yeah, a portion of the internet. That's like drafting food. You can't draft food. You can draft categories of food. Okay, so a social distancing, a physical distancing essential is obviously the internet. I need to be able to check the news. I need to know what's going on.

I want to be able to order food. I want to be able to get groceries. I want to be able to, you know. So you're saying web browsing. Get groceries. I'm saying, yeah, phone, you know, phone internet. Being able to access. Okay, mobile and web browsing. That sounds so lame when you put it that way. I know, that's why I'm trying to do it, my brother.

I mean, that just sounds pathetic. Mobile and web browsing at your local library. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, isn't that what you're saying? I don't want you to be able to do these things because I'm drafting them. That's right. And I can't. That's fine.

I cannot order my stuff online because you have mobile and web browsing. Oh, gosh. I can't do it without that. I already lost this draft for drafting the internet. Give me the internet. No, you don't get the entire internet, though. Yeah, because if you get the internet, that means there's other things. That means I can't play video games.

Then give me a phone with the internet. Just put that as it. It sounds better than mobile and web browsing on Netscape Navigator. Actually, that's great. So you're just saying a phone. Yeah, you should draft an iPhone. I guess. I don't know.

Or just phone. Mobile phones. I'm going phones i'm going cell phones that i have used my cell phone more since i've been here than in i mean is the battery running out a little quicker during the day it's on a charger a lot my my friend i mean my screen time uh reports they're not gonna be way up yeah it's like screen time report you should take a break you take my cell phone away from me and i'm a little po'd so i think you i think you actually ended up getting jason has toilet paper i took a smartphone mike what do you got i'm okay i'm taking streaming services so i'm sorry you need to select one. Oh, yes, totally. No, I will take streaming services.

When we talked before the show, Jason, I wondered. It was tweet. We're at the 101. Are you going to take Netflix? It was TP or streaming services. Those were my one and my two for sure because the amount of consumption is off the chain. So streaming services. Yeah, you got the Netflix, the Apple Plus, all that jazz.

Yeah, you're darn right. And look, hand in hand, I'm streaming stuff. When I'm not streaming, I am playing stuff, so I will draft video games. Okay. All right. So basically, you guys have the internet now on lockdown. That is correct. The main usage.

Correct. All the apps, the news, the web browsing, the purchasing online for Andy, all the playing and watching and consuming for you guys. So I'm going to... And I want to be... But good news, you have toilet paper. You do have toilet paper. I want to be super clear, by the way.

I thought that this was going to be more survival based. So I'm looking at things like food and water. So I took Netflix. Here's the thing that's lost. Go ahead. I don't want this to get lost. The way that Mike said, I don't get to watch my movies.

Y'all don't have toilet paper. You don't have it. So just throwing that out there. All right, that's fine. I'll figure it out. You better draft it. All right, so Mike, you have entertainment, so to speak, on lockdown. I'll figure it out. You better draft it. All right. So Mike, you have entertainment, so to speak, on lockdown. I've got information and Jason has buttholes on lockdown. So

at this point in time though, not quite. You could have bidet or wipes life. I get it. I get it. We'll be surviving with those things. Yes. I'm not sure where to go with the social distancing essentials. When I think about what's valuable to me right now, believe it or not, I think it's valuable to be able to drive my car. That doesn't mean going and endangering other people. Okay. But being able to get to a doctor, being able to get up north to get out of this area of the city and go hike.

I like it. So your car? So transportation? I think I'm going to take a car. Okay. I can go get groceries with it. I think I need my car. Or I could just go for a drive when the kids, you know, are going a little bananas.

Sounds like unphysical distancing to me. Sounds like you're going places. You're the problem. I am going places alone. I'm going them. I will draft rock concerts because they are so much better than this social distancing. I'll take airports for

12. I'll just say a car so I can go out and we can go on a hike or we can do something else and get our brains off of it. Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright. Wait, Jason, are you out? No, I'm not out i've got a i've

got look my list is plentiful it's just a matter of which direction do i want to go because there's three things here that i really want just just lock the just lock the butthole up please i'm i'm no you want that's not a phrase i ever want to hear again you don't want to draft the day mike but you know you're gonna have to draft it or or else you got no chance because toilet paper if you don't have toilet paper you are washing with a washcloth at home we all know what toilet paper is jason you don't have to explain it to us because when you poop what happens uh all right so for my there's some remnants behind that you got to clean. All right. I'm going to take, because of my propensity to eat, the importance of food and my newfound love for canned food, I am taking canned food.

I get all of it. I get my SpaghettiOs, my DentiMore beef stew. I get my chili. I get my corn and my green beans and all the canned food of the world. It's mine. What other food exists, Jason? I can tell you. Look.

Tell me more. Let me just take you on a tour through my pantry. And then the second one, I'm between two here. One that's important and one that's important. Okay. Well, take the important one. I will be taking, because I don't believe it would come back to me i think mike would grab it i'm gonna take libations for when the uh when the night is hard

and the day has been rough and i can wind down with a glass of wine the libations be mine that's it's a good pick okay because you took all the entertainment what am i gonna be doing well because i'm gonna play to my strengths here i'm gonna take medications because you guys you guys don't got them i got them you don't got them dude i was between they're serving me so well so my wife is dead she's a diabetic she's dead now thank you well i didn't mean to kill your wife okay i did not let her kill your wife. I'm sorry. No, no, no. You can buy them with toilet paper, okay? I'll let her know.

You can buy her some insulin with your toilet paper. I was between... We will be bartering. I was 100% between prescriptions or medication and libations. Sorry, honey. You made the right choice. Yeah. Medications of another kind.

All right. I was trying to take whichever one I thought. I thought prescriptions or medication could come back to me, but that makes sense that you'd grab that, Andy. Wise pick. I like it. All right, Mike. You got two picks.

I'm on the corner. I got two picks. This will wrap up the draft for me. So number one, I will take the elusive hand sanitizer. Oh, yes. Ooh. Speaking of toilet paper, you cannot get sanitizer anymore. And I think it's harder to substitute when you're on the go.

You can't just wash your hands with soap and water if you're on the road. You need hand sanitizer. All right. hands with with soap and water if you're on the road you need hand sanitizer all right i opened i i i drove the other day and i had a uh a little protein cookie and i had i driven someplace and i realized it was a larry's cookie thank you very much not a hashtag not a sponsor but they could be they could be if they want oh larry's man protein cookies they're so good they're very delicious i've never heard of that. But I realized, see, we realize new things. First of all, I have fingernails for the first time in 30 years because of, like, I've never had them in my whole life, and now I have them.

But it is shocking to me that, well, I guess shocking is the wrong word, but like the fact that the quarantine and the worry about the virus, like, that was it. It got you to the point where yes mike a global pandemic was it that finally got it for me but i'm just saying like that like good for you that's that's an incredible step that i don't think most people are taking they're still buying nails with the larry's cookie i realized i would be pulling that thing out and eating it with my hand so i had to eat it with the wrapper like you have to hold it with the wrapper yes you do fingernail clippers are they're pretty cheap they you can just clip your nails like but no no that had nothing to do with the nails that had nothing

to do with the nails i did clip my nails for the first time in my life instead of eating them but i was just saying you have to be like the hand sanitizer would have helped me because then i could have eaten my cookie instead of being a weirdo. That's all I'm saying. Go on, Mike. All right. And I will take my last pick because this is near and dear to my heart, especially right now. I'm trying to make the right decisions. So I've got entertainment and I will also take exercise equipment. I am making sure that I'm not pulling a Jason Moore, putting on a cool 40 with canned peaches and canned pears by the end of the quarantine. I'll take the over, my friend. Look, on my list, I have a Peloton on my list because I'm like, I know I need it, but yeah, it's off my list now.

So yeah, exercise equipment is smart. I got it. Enjoy not wiping your butt or eating, Mike. I'm fine. I got a t-shirt. He'll be swole. He'll burn off that fat because he won't have anything coming in. Alright, streaming services, video games,

hand sanitizer, exercise equipment. I've got a smartphone. I've got a car. I've got some medications. And I guess I will take the more I don't know maybe family oriented board games it's on my list but I have video games

so I don't need them yeah you don't but I'll go with board games ability to kind of do that the 1980s called yeah now board games is a good pick especially because we don't have entertainment Mike's got the streaming

when we all run out of. Mike's got the streaming. He's got the video games. When we all run out of power, Andy will be the one left entertained. All right, look. I realize I've got another one of these categories already on lockdown. This is the last pick of the draft, right? That is correct. I could talk through everything here. Yes, you can.

Pet food could run out i love my pets but sorry i'm selfish they could eat your canned food that's right that's right they look canned dog oh i guess i've got dog food right i just got canned food that's true there you go you actually only have it tastes like dog food i could go bottled waters um i i don't need to go bidet i've got toilet paper nobody took it so I've got that on lockdown. So I'm pretty much between hand soap and frozen food. I feel like when I'm stocking, so I'm just thinking about me. Like, okay, this is coming down. Maybe we're going to get quarantined, locked down, have a real tough time getting stuff.

What are the essentials? Toilet paper, canned food, frozen food, and libations. This is a home run. I love my drug. I'm taking frozen food. All libations. This is a home run. I love my draft. I'm taking frozen food. All right. So I'm stocked up. I can eat a variety of food.

How was Jason the practical draft? How did this possibly happen? Well, he did draft two of his four. 50% of his draft was food. So I am not surprised by the outcome of the draft. I agree with you. And then, to be honest with you, libations is still being consumed. And the toilet paper handles the other side of it.

So he is entirely food-oriented. It's all about the in and the out, my friend. It's all about the in and the out. Absolutely. I'm going to need some of that exercise equipment, Mike. I wanted ice cream, too. But off to trade some medications oh if you had drafted ice cream so on brand oh yeah that's where i'm never healthy hey frozen food i've got

what did we learn today i learned that uh jason loves adores and was surprised by the quantity of canned peaches in his life is so good i learned that i will be at least 300 pounds by the end of this lockdown we're all learning about jason i learned jason was bullied and that makes me sad oh that's sweet it was like a two time happening so that but but two times you still remember it clearly it affected you that's fair that's fair it it sucked it was not good hey hey teenagers if you have leg hair you don't need to tease the guys that don't have leg hair yet they're gonna get it it's a small i look i i remember being the littlest kid too and the locker room was a scary place if you were behind the curve i i remember i remember the pit here where you would be swimming because we're in arizona so you're swimming all the time

and then every summer you're checking you're like oh man come on now do i have any buds jason used to glue it on yeah i mean you gotta do what you gotta do roll around shave it right off the dog roll around in some el. He shaved it off his back. Yes. The one place. Why does my back grow so thick? All right. We're going to wrap things up.

People now think I've got this crazy mane on my back. I've just got a patch of hair on the top by my neck. Look, just because people call you Sasquatch, it has nothing to do with that. Just because you braid it. Just because you let it flow. Look, everybody out there, genuinely uh stay safe stay smart yes we'll get through this it's uh gonna be an an endurance thing for a lot of us i think just being able to uh like i said maybe we're not physically connected let's stay socially connected we can do that here um do it at spitballerspod.com

connect with us on twitter and uh we'll be here throughout and my twitter game is nasty right now i am crushing that doesn't sound very exciting actually we are dedicated to being here and putting out great fun content through this time so i can't wait for the next episode we might be bringing some some extra stuff soon who knows who knows We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Take care, everybody. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out