Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Rub-a-Dub-Dubbin & The Perfect Heist - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

Spit Hit for April 7, 2022: This show is packed with hilarity. We muse on real life power ups, dial-up internet, and President Taft. We also have our ‘Is This Real Life’ segment on the show, where we learn why you might want to think twice about holding in that fart you’ve got brewing. We slam the doors on this episode with an absolutely ridiculous draft of things needed for a bank heist. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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for you on today's Spit Hits. We muse on real life power-ups, good old-fashioned dial-up internet and of course everyone's favorite president daft the biggest president yes yeah that's what they say he's our favorite uh make sure you stay tuned enjoy the show and tell your friends what happens when three buffoons give life advice explore unrealistic situations and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve it's the spitballers podcast with andy mike and

jason okay i'm sure it sounded really weird for you guys over there Okay. I'm sure it sounded really weird for you guys over there. It's tough because, yeah, when we're on Zoom, you're a little delayed. But I think it was good. I would vote it six and a half to seven. Yeah, I think that's appropriate. Here's what I have to tell you. I could raise that after I listen to the actual live.

When you hear the live version, you're going to lower that number. Oh, am I? We're giving you a benefit of the doubt that you do not deserve. You're trying to tell us that you hit some mark that we just aren't aware of, but you also missed that mark, apparently. Look, I found some room in between the beats. Yeah, I know. As we call it in the biz.

I found some space between. I found some jazz. Look, it's in 4-4, and I went right into a 5-8, and we're good. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason back with you. Great show for you today. Excited about the draft excited about is this real life coming back to the episode today and of course we will ponder some would you rather

questions together we have a review to share and uh you know well on our way through the second uh hundred episodes right i mean We finished the first 100. We did. This is like 105 now. And now we're on our final 100. The first 100, final 100. But you can support this show

while it's still around at spitballerspod.com. Click the Become a Patron button. Become a Spitwad. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash Spitballerspod.com. Click the Become a Patron button. Become a Spitwad. At Spitballerspod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash Spitballerspod. You can reach out on any social media platform and you'll find Al Borland there,

just chilling, just sitting around, just staring at the social media handles. Look, I have found that people who tag him on twitter get a response in approximately 45 seconds 100 of the time they get a response immediately he is sitting around just waiting by his computer is that producer borland is that what that is all notifications are on for immediate response that's part of his job requirement. He would never not do that because it would jeopardize his employment. If I was listening to this, I would test the theory right now and start spamming at producer Borland and see how many responses you get. Borland, what's your handle?

It is at producer Borland. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we need to get a good gauge of listenership, and this is the best way to do it. Let's go ahead and read a review. Review-a-saurus Rex. This one comes in from Chobi from the United States of America. Five stars.

Whoopsie-poo. That's the title. I just read them here, people. When it comes to comedy, there's a lot to say about Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, so much. These three have made my Monday morning so much better. But on the rare occasion I miss a show on the drive-in, I love to listen it throughout the day. On one occurrence, it was mid-morning, almost time for my daily deed.

And as Jason was pleading his case about a fire- fire pooping pig i let a hearty laugh and had to excuse myself to the boys room nobody needs to know the outcome of the situation i had in my pants oh no chobe but everyone needs more spitballers in their lives love you guys thanks for keeping us entertained i now understand the title whoopsie poo oh oh it all comes back yeah wow it was a whoops i hey chubby been there been there brother at least mine came due to a disease though i really um i love that the you know all of this took place all this happened and the end result was liking the show more it wasn't liking it less if someone makes me laugh till i crap my pants i'm in they've got a lifelong listener in me that's for sure all right let's do some Would You Rather.

Would you rather? All right, Jess sends in this Would You Rather question from the website in a one versus one street fight. My specialty. Yeah, yeah. Mike's known for that. have a 25 boost in attack defense and stamina okay i'm stronger or a 25 boost in speed accuracy and reflexes oh man i feel like i'm entering a video game we basically are right build your character here yeah we are we are in an rpg right the only difference to which one gives me more muscles because that's really my deficiency yeah the attack defense stamina would be more muscles yeah not you know i know it would be a surprise but that's what i could use in a 1v1 street fight more than i'm pretty i got pretty good reflexes i feel like

my speeds above average in a normal street fight but the muscles are really the downfall see that's what I was going to bring up here the the difference between this being like I need stamina yeah between being a video game um you know choice and this question is the fact that this is us it's not just a generic you've got a generic fighter that's which ones do you need this is if i'm in a 1v1 street fight and i can tell you right now i've got enough attack and defense i think my speed accuracy and reflexes they're all fine i'm a scrap i'm gonna go but if that fight lasts more than about 12 seconds i'm gonna give you five i am going to be exhausted i very much need the stamina like that is uh look i i mean you know back in the day when i was in shape i used to train uh jets and muay thai and we'd roll

and we'd spar and there is nothing more surprising than the stamina that takes and that was when i was in shape and you roll for three minutes and at the end of that, you've got to go puke. If I were to get in a 1v1 fight right now, here's what I'm doing. I'm just letting you know. I am loading up the biggest power punch you've ever seen because it's my only shot. One.

Adrenaline lasts longer than 12 seconds. That's the honest truth. If you are in a fight and you've got the adrenaline, it's going to drive you a little bit longer than 12 seconds. No, it will not. I disagree with you. Maybe 24 seconds, maybe 30 seconds. Adrenaline can keep you going for a little while. And then the drop off from adrenaline, you'll probably pass away to the next life. I'm surprised, Jason, that your move would be a punch and not just a bear hug fall on someone. Well, I's the ending after the punch that's how he

relaxes uh so to be honest i would take someone to the ground that's where i think i would have the advantage so you're you're you're right but what i my point in saying i'm loading up for one big swing is that i know it's got to be over quick it's right this is i'm not i'm not doing the battle of attrition here because i'm losing that battle i'm doing the battle of you know i guess you're right if i'm on top you're a fight sprinter not a fight marathoner that's right that's right you guys are looking at this all wrong okay if i am in a 1v1 street fight i am one it's easy i'm taking the boost in speed accuracy and reflexes because if i have a 25 boost in speed you accuracy, and reflexes. Because if I have a 25% boost in speed,

you're not going to catch me while I'm running away because I'm not getting in a 1v1 street fight. Forrest Gump is gone. I am out, man. No, you're 100% right. A street fight has no rules. I legitimately almost put in there that you cannot use your speed to run away from the fight.

Too bad. I only took it. No, Producer Bolin didn't put that in. Mike is completely legal speed to run away from the fight too bad i only took it no producer boland didn't put that in mike is completely legal here to run away from this fight the problem i have is that if i chose speed to run away and i don't add on that stamina then i get to the end of the block before i get caught up upon and i am spent and uh you know that that just doesn't i have to have the stamina 100 I have wondered about the underutilization of, like, if you're being held up at gunpoint or something, right, or you're in this situation,

nobody ever does the, like, oh, look over there. Like, what about trickery? Trickery is underrated in these situations. Like a Goodyear blimp? Yeah, just be like, oh... Yeah, that's what the attacker is really gonna be they've got a they've just got a huge collection of blimp cards and they're like the Goodyear blimp that's what would get there is that still a thing the Goodyear blimp is still a thing

yeah how was it how was it ever a thing how was it say how do you think of it as a thing I think of it as a thing that gives me a view of a Monday night football game yeah but it was a thing how was it say how do you think of it as a thing i think of it as a thing that gives me a view of a monday night football game yeah but as a kid it was a thing it was a thing if you saw the good your blimp you would say look i guess i guess if i saw it over my house that'd be cool it was like a famous landmark but that could go everywhere it could travel and then it was like we need a spitballers blimp oh dude that would be awesome here's what we actually need al borland will be in he can produce from there what i think we need and i would i would just love to do this is a spitballers 1v1v1 boxing ring boxing match that would be all of us fighting all three in the ring yes at the same time no one v one v one

is the worst because you know it's automatic that two people team up on one i mean it just have you ever seen no i don't think it is have you have you ever seen the clips because these shows are are what they're definitely from russia there are russian fighting shows where they build an obstacle course that looks like you're trying to play tag in it, except it's six people all fighting each other. What? Oh, yes. Enjoy internet. Is this like part of a prison program? Look, I don't claim that I know what's going on over there but i know that these

shows exist because i've seen clips of them and it is insanity who would win in a boxing fight right now i'm super out of shape right just boxing boxing alone the three of us we're getting in the ring mike puts his hand up he thinks he wins i feel good i think andy's andy have you okay and this is this is legitimate like have you ever, have you... Okay, this is legitimate. Have you ever boxed anybody? I don't think I've ever boxed anybody, no. But he's athletic. I would be able to avoid punches.

Your reach is unbelievable. I might not be able to get a lot of power into my punches. That's the issue. That's why Andy feels like the adrenaline will carry him through. I remember doing dumb, stupid fight nights with your friend where you put on boxing gloves. No, you're done. You are done in eight seconds, and you feel like you're going to pass out.

Let me do a little test here. Jason said we'd be 1v1v1. On the count of three in that 1v1v1 situation, name the person that you punch first. Absolutely. Because obviously you're not choosing yourself so i know 100 what i would do one two three jason okay now it's mike and i both punched you yeah are you gonna feel like that's a fair fight that didn't turn out the way that i thought

it was gonna turn out uh less fair less fair it was going to turn out. Less fair. Less fair. I took a gamble, but it worked out. I'm going immediate body shot to Andy. I'm going body shot to Andy. Oh, perfect. Then I win even easier. Okay.

Because Jason's unconscious. Andy has been hitting the kidneys. Yeah. One-on-one tournament. One-on-one tournament. There you go. There you go. Mike, you still think you win?

I think I win. Andy, do you think you win? In a pure boxing, I don't think you win. Pure boxing. I don't think you hit me. Man. You do have your reflexes are good, but you. It's my legs, man.

It's my legs. I'm going to punch you with my legs. I know, but you have put on a few. I have put on so much more than a few. That is the kindest you have ever been. Look, when I said we needed a spitballer's blimp, that's not what I meant. We've got one. I am now the

mascot. Look, when you say, can I have a few slices of pizza, you wouldn't be expecting 15, right? You wouldn't be like, can I get a few slices of pizza? wouldn't be expecting 15 right you wouldn't be like can i get a few can i get a few slices of pizza no i want more than a whole pie i want more than uh i said a few why are you stopping yes all right i'm i'm sorry i'm sorry i take i think we could all agree i

would win in a fight i'll punch mike first now because of that comment. Steph from Patreon says, would you rather be a butcher, a baker, or a candlestick maker? Now, this is actually a really good philosophical question, right? It is. Because there's a famous, the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker, but I feel like it's outdated. Is this just a vocational question? It is. It's not really philosophy to me.

We got to go back to the beginning of this. What is the real story about the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker? What predicament are they in? I genuinely don't know, but I assume it's terrible. They don't eat the curds in a way, right? All nursery rhymes come from some awful... Owl? Yes.

Because in my head, all I picture is is a like a beautiful animated they're not animated illustrated picture of these three in a bathtub no that's what it is it's rub is that what it is three men in a tub i wonder who might be the butcher the baker the candlestick maker that's why are they in a tub well they're rub-a-dub-dubbing but here's my issue here's my issue with this question is it's outdated this is not a fair question because once upon a time a candlestick maker was a really really important job you don't have light you're the electrician this is do you do you want meat do you want bread or do you want light but nowadays if you were to ask this question would be like would you rather be a realtor a business owner or like a blockbuster manager

you like that doesn't you know a vcr repairman one of those things is gone so candlestick makers out of the equation are we but no but no i won't throw it out you're now an artisan yes like you are a specialty person people still have candles jason mr moore i guarantee that your house with knowing your wife you have candles throughout your home we have candles throughout our home probably probably from bed bath and beyond do you want to know where it's from my bath the body you want to know where our candles are from? Yes. Don't know. Don't care. That's where it's from. Maybe it's Walmart. Maybe it's I got some for my birthday.

Shout out to the man. Not the candlestick maker is what you're saying. You didn't get it from a candlestick maker. I don't care. You know what I care about? I care about where I get my meat from. I don't want to be a butcher. I don't want that life. So I'm going to bake.

I get those wonderful smells all day long. You ever been in the candle stores? I get a headache in five seconds. All those smells mixing together. That's fair. I want to smell bread all day. Do you know how Ben and Jerry both died young? Yeah, because they got the betas.

I'm pretty sure they're both alive. I'm just assuming here. If I was a baker. I'm pretty sure they're both alive. I'm just assuming here. If I was a baker, I would die young as a baker. Because day in, day out, being in a bakery. First of all, they say don't eat your products. That's out the window. So you're not a butcher either then? No, I'm totally a butcher.

I'll live that keto life. I'll go carb-free. That's impossible. Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say you would be carb-free and making bread? No, no, no, no, no. I said I'm going to be a butcher. I was looking at Ben and Jerry.

They're both alive. I'm almost 100% sure. I saw them on that Jeff Goldblum ice cream episode. They were both being interviewed. They are both alive. Thank you. My apologies, Ben, my my apologies ben and my apologies jerry yeah um yeah we we would love to sponsor your product we now tom and jerry they're

not alive anymore yeah they actually no they're alive they can't die because they're cartoons that's good yeah all right so i will go baker final answer i'm going butcher i'm i i love meat um i feel like i would make the best meat okay and uh i would eat a lot of it i'm going candlestick maker i feel like you're not there would i 100 percent in my before the i read through the show doc i saw this question that's like i think i would enjoy the craft of making a candle and knowing that my creation it lasts for you know multiple days where if you make the bread like that thing that's that's fleeting that's gone in a moment you want to get philosophical here we've been buying things on etsy lately for this cabin we're going up oh yeah oh perfect and i'm on etsy yeah there's probably candle makers on Etsy for sure.

But I'm sitting there and we all work. We've worked in digital forever, right? It's all web and the internet. I'm with you, Mike. I would love to just, I'll make a shoe and sell a shoe. I'll make a hat and sell a hat. That would be kind of redeeming to make something with your hands. I'm switching to candlestick maker. Yes, team a candle store bro this is awesome this is awesome but i just

want to throw one thing out before we move to the next question uh-huh you are not and you are you there's no way around this you are not a candle maker you're a candlestick maker okay that's what this is and when's the last time you've bought a candlestick not a candle in a jar a nice scented beautiful product a candlestick are the candles no no they're they're a type of candle but candlesticks are not just candles candlesticks go in like the candelabras the tall long burning ones for light you guys make candlesticks that nobody buys so congratulations on your blockbuster video store i'm making me i'm fine with it still i have to correct you because i'm googling about what candlesticks are and everything that's popping up is referring to like stock charts so now me

and andy are in the stock business and we are making that money yes because the only relevant candlestick anymore is in the stock market. You are correct. I love it. Hey, by the way, since we were in the 1v1v1 fight, Butcher Baker Candlestick Maker, who wins? Oh, the Butcher. The Butcher's in good shape.

Alright, Joe from Twitter. Would you rather work on a state-of-the-art computer with dial-up internet or on an old IBMm thinkpad with gigabyte internet speeds kill me kill me next question i'll take the latter it's obvious to me yeah wait i will take the old thinkpad with the fast internet oh it's obvious to me i'll take the state-of-the-art computer. Yeah, but if you've got dial-up speeds, you're...

I'm just thinking about how I navigate the internet, and I'm almost positive the second one is faster than the first. How many tabs do you have open right now? Tab issues. Okay. Okay. And starting up the computer. Like, you guys are probably... You already got

your modem going. Look, I'm in front of my laptop. I just counted. And when you asked that question, how many tabs are open, I thought, oh, I'm not on my work computer. That's on the other side of the room here. That one, I don't even know how many tabs, but it's an unspeakable amount. But I counted the tabs that are just on right here. I've got 17 tabs currently. You have 17 tabs open?

17 tabs. but this is this is my small amount yes that's it's a bad tab management yeah it's not it's not efficient that's pretty normal it is but it is normal it is so i'm taking the i'm taking the new computer with the old speed because if i want to play an offline video game, I can. Gosh, name an offline video game. That's a new name. Name an offline video game on your computer. Well, name an online video game you could play on an IBM ThinkPad. You can't.

Al Borland just sent me a screenshot of his browser. Oh, goodness. I'm going to guess 35 to 40 tabs. Al, you need to 40 tabs. Owl, you need to count those. All right, I'll get a count. Oh, my gosh. Why do you have so many tabs open? Do you save that as your default?

Like when you open your browser, those 46 tabs open up? I have never seen the tabs. Spitwads, listen. The tabs are so small on his screenshot that they are now only icons. Yeah. You can't see. You can barely recognize the icons. They're so small.

Like when I. 52. Oh, my God. Wow. See, here's the thing. You can't live that life on a think pad. Eventually, you need new windows with multiple tabs. Like, I might have 52 tabs open, but they're certainly not in one window yeah yeah grow up go to orland are there other windows

uh there's one other window but there's only two tabs in that window okay so you're up to 54 total tabs just spread the wealth that is correct all right you guys make a compelling tab argument i guess i'll go state-of-the-art computer, too. We all lived with the state-of-the-art computer where I downloaded my two songs over Napster overnight. Yes. I figured it out then. Oh, man.

That's not- All right. Let's do one more. All right. All right. Michael from the website, would you rather eat your favorite food when you're starving or drink your favorite drink when you are parched? Ooh.

Okay. Okay. Okay. This is soup's easy. Oh, you're going to have some soup? Because it's soup. His favorite drink when he's parched is soup. Yes, my favorite drink.

I know you would think that's a food, but my favorite drink is a soup. No matter if I'm hungry or I'm thirsty. I love a good broth. It's beef and vegetable. No, but if you ask me right now, what is your favorite drink? I don't know. What's your favorite soda?

I don't know. You don't know what's your favorite adult beverage? I don't know. I's your favorite adult beverage? I don't know. I don't have a favorite any of those things. Do you have a favorite color? Not really. Do you have a favorite anything?

Have you ever made a decision in your whole life? Andy, what's your favorite soda? Pepsi. Yeah, mine is Coca-Cola. It's very easy. How do you not know these things? And honestly, mine is uh subject to sponsorship all right well absolutely my favorite my favorite soda is currently pepsi

because they have sponsored me the most recent uh here's the oh crap i forgot about that um yeah good job mike um if if you i i if if you say okay're going to go to your favorite restaurant. Okay. What's your favorite restaurant? First of all, I'm excited about that prospect because I love going to nice restaurants. And then it will take me two and a half days to figure out what restaurant we're going to because I don't know what my favorite is. It's all a matter of mood. And this is a problem for me and my wife, which is an extra layer of problem because we are indecisive. We care. It's not

apathy. It is not apathy. It's not like, oh, I could go to any restaurant. It's I want the best one. And I don't. Is it this one? Is it that one? We're just always like as soon as we pick one, we're like, but is it really? And this is just a problem for all things in life. And this is just a problem for all things in life. My answer is quite easily the food. Because when I'm starving, having food that tastes great is great. When I'm parched and thirsty, I don't... Water is fine. I want ice cold water.

Yeah, I don't want like a Pepsi. What's better? You're super... Done whipping you guys in that boxing ring yes we're done in the boxing ring you are climbing off the floor and you're yes it's a nice glass of milk oh it's the best oh there's only one drink you want and it's water right so it's got to be sunny d or gatorade or sunny d the purple stuff this is this is great because I'm getting steak all the time because it says when you're starving. And man, am I starving quite often.

If I just saw Michael Jordan ran off the court after a hard fought win and just started slurping up hot soup. I mean, that would be like Mike. But in more realistic sense, imagine he got a soda sponsor that required at the games that he drank. That he drank a soda. Whatever it is. Like Sprite. Like LeBron James is a big Sprite. Isn't LeBron?

Yeah, he's a big Sprite. So imagine that in his contract, he has to go to the sideline and chug Sprite through his basketball games like not that's not great Bob oh my gosh are you on the food side then too Mike yeah yeah like it's pretty easy all right let's move on spit wads listen to the new audible original Summer in Argyle, created and written by Nate Odenkirk and his father Emmy Award winner Bob Odenkirk. Pop in your earbuds and visit the town of Argyle, Ohio. It's a place that celebrates the spirit of close enough

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Kyle and listen now. Is this real life? All right. It's time for Is This Real Life, where each of us individually brings a story to the others that they have never heard about. And we do our best to illustrate what's going on in the world, some very important things happening. Now, I'm going to start it. I will quickly tell you that I thought my story was going to be one that I had found, where a turtle had flown through the air on a freeway and crashed through the front window of a car, which reminded me of Mario Kart kart very much oh you are

right and i will quickly tell you andy before the before the show as we're preparing our articles i sent an article over to producer al borland i said this is it this is the one for me i have to report about this this is unbelievable breaking news it fits with my brand and he said no actually andy's gonna talk about that so oh you know what mine is so somehow we both had similar interests here yes i know about your article i know nothing so it's it's sensational here is the headline of this very recent story. Human urine could help make concrete on the moon, says Space Agency, which is the European Space Agency. You see, one of the big problems, Jason, as you contemplate this with that furrowed brow,

one of the big problems with doing anything construction-wise on the moon is obviously getting things to the moon. Yeah, the crew, the stuff. Yeah, that's a problem. It's kind of like you got the urine built in. Yeah, you bring the crew, you bring the urine, it's one and the same. So they said that in recent studies, it was found that urea, which comes inside of your urine. Which is why it's called urine yeah there you go the main organic comp mike knows everything about this story would make the mixture um for lunar concrete and it makes it more malleable before

it hardens in its sturdy final form so So they said, here's their statement, thanks to future lunar inhabitants, the 1.5 liters of liquid waste a person generates each day could become a promising byproduct for space exploration due to its ability to help you build, I guess, lunar concrete. I built these walls with my own pee. Necessary? I mean i it look it's efficient yeah it's a very practical way to avoid um some water recycling systems in space you know well

do you know how heavy water is i mean it's outrageous you can't just bring a whole bunch of that yeah to build concrete up there. So you just, you know. Wow. So you make your own. You make your own liquid. That's right. Which we all do. We all do.

Stop wasting the concrete. That's right. I'm embarrassed. Yeah, I'm going to start going out back and just pee into the sky. They'll have some more. I hope it gets to you. You should be leaving. That's your plan?

Is it evaporates and somehow gets to the moon? It's going to the moon. Tell you what, Jake. For our sake, go out back, pee upward, and test it. Test the hypothesis. That's what science is all about. Test the hypothesis. Lay flat on your back.

Lay flat on your back. Send it to the moon. This is for the astronauts. This one's for Neil. Oh, man. here's the thing let's let's fast forward in time 200 years and people are in space we've colonized the moon yeah have they just gotten so accustomed to build them with their p that like that that's that is the way of life and they don't need to ship water, because we're never finding water on the moon, to somehow find a way to, Mike's right, bring thousands of gallons of water up out of the Earth's atmosphere. We've got to filter it.

We just keep growing as a people based on hyper-efficiency of our urine i mean according to frozen 2 uh olaf said like water has been through four people before you drink it well oh that's a little disturbing all right all right i'm up next all right uh so my title reads, Florida police use crispy cream to lure black bear off city streets. And there's not a whole lot to add to this story. Here's what happened. Oh, my honey. Honey is sweet. The Florida police used crispy creams to lure a black bear off of city streets.

Basically, it was too populated to tranquilize the bear. So they had to find a way to get this bear out of the population. And obviously, the police had some donuts on hand. Oh, man. That's a good point. did they go to the where they like okay we've got to come up with a plan let's go to the krispy kreme and they're like what do we got look around what do we have we've got uh here's what you got here's what you got guys i got an idea uncle sam's paying for these ones we're grabbing three dozen we only need one for the lure expense report we only need

one for the lure is this donut on a fishing pole we needed some backup donuts i i mean we don't know we've got it you know this might be a hansel and gretel situation where you got to leave them in a line to get a piece so we're gonna take 22 dozen Let's make it 40 dozen donuts on the state of Florida. And we're getting this problem taken care of for you. Now I know who planted the bear. Yes. Very interesting. Now I know who dropped the bear in.

But I find that this is going to sound crazy. I know how we can get more dozen free donuts. More and more. I know how we can get more dozen free donuts. More and more. I find that I relate to the largest of all mammals because this would have worked on me as well. Krispy Kremes are awesome and delicious. You don't want to trinkelize, Jason. And unfortunately, deliver.

We're not that different, you and I, Mr. Bear. Yeah, I've had some donut temptations today already. We've both got a little hair on our back and we love Krispy Kreme. And honestly, I will say this now this this this makes the story a little less fun oh no it was the bear died from the eating krispy kreme donuts he had a heart attack at the end of no it was 250 pounds it was a juvenile bear i literally weigh more than this bear. Oh, that's the problem. That's the sad news? The sad news is I weigh more, and I am confident I could put down more Krispy Kreme than this stupid bear.

I would have been like, wait, let me take care of the bear, and I get the donuts. Oh, my gosh. Mike, you're up. All right, so this one goes out to all the people who feel that they are being proper. They're being polite. The holders. And I'm talking the holders of flatulence. What happens?

The restrainers. Yeah, the restrainer. You tighten up. Public decency. Yeah. Well, the restraint. You tighten up. Public decency? Yeah. Well, according to a report from Australia, what happens when you hold in a fart? You just exhale it out your breath. What?

What? That's right. That's right, because you hold it in, and eventually that gas gets absorbed back into the bloodstream, which goes right to your lungs, and you breathe it out. So if you are holding in your farts, you are, in fact, a fart breath. You're a fart factory. You're a vessel. You're a fart face. You're really a fart face.

The classic. There is no insult I have ever used more on my children than fart face my my children are daily called fart faces i mean hourly and now i know it's true now i really kids don't do a lot of restraining yeah they don't restrain oh no but i'm just saying like i mean the the spouse it mean, the spouse, it's a stereotype. Does that mean if you're- But they get upset with me when I, they, like there's multiple, but my spouse gets upset with me when I blast one off.

So is it, when I blast one off. So is this, does this mean, let's say you've got a really important day ahead of you, you're meeting in fancy meetings and those are those times you bottle, do you just have bad breath then? Yeah. Like for these important- Not just bad breath. breath you're breathing fart in your face wow is this a new way to allow for the public uh flatulence where you can just kind of look at them afterwards when they look at you sideways and you go look i don't i don't want to be a fart face yeah i think that's i

didn't fart out my mouth stop looking at me like like that. What do you want? What do you want me to fart out my mouth or just let it go? You scream like this to be healthy. To be healthy. To health. All right. Whoa. What kind of fart are you doing? What was that?

It's a little squeaker. That was hit the brakes. I agree. I agree. That's how you end up doing both. If you restrain like that. All right. That's how you end up doing both, if you restrain like that. All right, let's draft. Spitwatch, Peloton is pushing you further with so much new on the Peloton Bike

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The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting things needed for a bank heist. So we are going to, you know, something we've never probably thought about before today. We're drafting things needed for a bank heist, and I guess at the end of this draft, the spitwads are going to ultimately decide who's going to be more successful

on this bank heist that we are all planning with the objects we're about to draft. Okay, that's good. Because there was one or two options. It was either they could decide who's going to be most successful or use all this knowledge we've given them and go rob a few we are very insightful generally so that could happen but uh that'll depend on the objects in

hand yep mike you get the first pick you lucky lucky man it's time for a bank heist what do you need for a bank heist well i mean we're we we are clarifying this these are objects are these yeah i mean okay are they well he said like i i had my i had my whole list ready to go and then literally as j as andy was explaining it i was like you know i probably would like to draft a team but i feel like that's that's against the spirit of this draft so So I'm not going to do that. As far as, you know, you can't draft other people. Okay, that's all I needed to know. That's all I needed to know.

I mean, you are about to go to the bank and take care of, you know, get yourself some funds. Sure. You are the getaway driver. That's all we needed. I just needed to get it out of the way. I'm going to take a. I will take a mask. Oh, dang it. Because step one is obviously to obscure your identity

so that it's not as easy to see that a devastatingly handsome, shredded man has just robbed the bank. No, we are not allowed to draft other people, Mike. This has to be you. How dare you? Oh, we are not allowed to draft other people, Mike. This has to be you. How dare you? Oh, we are not allowed. That was good. I wouldn't let you go with the handsome, but the shredded was too far.

Oh, yeah. Well done. All right. So you've got the mask. A man who works out at least once a week. Look at all these muscles from last Tuesday. Shredded. If you've ever seen the scale with your age, the shredded threshold changes.

Yeah. I mean, a man who eats shredded pork a lot. Yeah. When I think about shredding the scale, it's like on a metal. Yeah. When you're shredding the metal, you're just going all out. You're just, wow. When I shred that scale, I'm like, yeah, what's that, 300?

Shredding the scale. New school i'm shredded um i do have the high score though um between the three of us on this scale oh all right so you're on the clock there dad box for the win all right i i i honestly thought that um a mask would come my way um i assume that would be my pick because I think it's going to be it. Well, I think it's hard to have a bank heist without any kind of weapon. So I'm taking a gun, right? I mean, that should have been the one on one. Nope. That's extra time.

That's extra time. That's extra time when you're caught. I'm not planning to get caught. Yeah. I mean, I'm not worried about whether I get 25 or 50 years. Mike's trying to get the least amount of charges at the end of this equation. If the three of us are planning our own Superbank, guys, we're all going down. Mike's like just an apology letter.

He's taking an apology letter with him. A spool of ribbon. I was found on me with a ribbon and a love letter. A list of people I can narc on to knock off time. So you've got a mask. I have a gun. Andy, heist away. Heist away.

Okay. Well, I'm going to take a vehicle to start things off. Okay. Because I need to get away. vehicle to start things off. Okay. Because I need to get away. You're not getting away. I need to get away from this. I need to try, Mike. Let's get specific, man.

What kind of vehicle? Armored. Armored car. Oh, see, you're in it for the fight. You would have gotten Dodge Stratus. Absolutely. That's what I was thinking. You want the most unflashy car in the world.

I think the draft is a vehicle. Otherwise, we can all just take makes and models of our choosing. The three of us, we all watched a car chase recently together. That's true. On the Los Angeles streets. It doesn't end well ever for the person driving the getaway car. I've never seen a man run out of a bank and it end well for them. And they're just on foot with a bag of money.

That's fair. I'll take the vehicle first. What are you loading up? Apparently one of us are going to need a wagon, Mike. Because stuff all this in my pockets. You can draft a bike. All right. Well, look, you're still on the clock.

You're still on the clock here. I've got my vehicle and then uh you know if i'm going to rob a bank i'm not just going to take a few dollars from the teller i need to go for broke okay and so i need to get into the safe which means i need some explosives so i'm going to blow the safe open so I can get all the money so that the charges against me are much more severe. There was part of me

that thought you were going to draft a stethoscope like an old western bank. You were going to listen to it. You'll know when we run out of draft ideas when we get to episode 4 or 500, and it's like things for a bank heist in 1771.

But no, I'll go. A stethoscope. Okay. So I'll go a vehicle and some explosives. I feel great about those things. All right. Okay. You have, with your 1771, tempted me towards a horse,

but I will not take the horse yet i think he will be available for me with my fourth pick yeah you can take a horse for your bank heist anytime you want i am i'm thinking about this getaway and there are issues right it's easy to go in there and start the problem but really when you rob a bank you get caught unless you're next level unless you are i mean this isn't a bank robbery right there's a bank heist this is a movie scene this is so i am getting all bank and city blueprints okay and i'm collecting all the intel i'm not going you know look the gun might be for protection city blueprint yeah well sometimes sometimes when you just look at the building you don't realize

that there's a there's some kind of access way tunnel system sewer system blueprints is not a bad pick that's a surprise and a good pick i'm coming right up currently with the pics that he has he'll look and say man if i had some had some heavy machinery, I could get in right there. Oh, no, I'm going right up through the ground. It's fine. There's a tunnel I found on my blueprints. Of course, there's a sewer entrance right into the big vault. Yeah, that's right.

They overlooked this when they were designing this big. What's that great doing down there? Which I found because of my blueprints. So now who's the idiot, Mike? All right, so I have a vehicle and explosive. Jason has because of my blueprints so now who's the idiot mike all right so i have a vehicle and explosive jason has a gun and blueprints mike has a mask and now he has two picks all right he really has to be careful how much hard time he's doing here he's got the mask to obfuscate his face look for me this is all about disguising who i am because mike just wants to look so cool when he's caught that's all he wants i'm not planning on getting caught that's why i have a

mask so they have not seen my face that's true and also they're going to be looking for a man who is six foot, eight inches tall. Wait, are you drafting stilts? I'm wearing stilts. I'm wearing lifts. What is it? I'm going up, baby. So they're looking for someone that clearly isn't you until they find the stilts thrown in the alley. But then they won't know. No, I'm not throwing my stilts thrown in the alley. But then they won't know.

No, I'm not throwing my stilts away. Those things are expensive. This is such a Jason pick. We found him. He's not our size, but in his bathroom were these stilts. I just love the middle picture of the super tall masked man. That when something happens and you have to move quickly are now worried about falling over. The police are here.

What? No, that's not how you rob a bank, man. It's in and out. The police are not showing up by the time I've jaunted away on my stilts. Wait, this is for speed? Do you know how wide my stride could be when I'm on stilts? Look, I think for the purpose of this draft... I'm thinking you could have gotten stilts with the

last pick. You said I was not on my list, Mike. For the purpose of this draft, though, we are all experts at this craft. Right? So you are experts at stilts. You're experts at stilts. So go.

Well, if you're you, then you can't wear them like i will bet a hundred dollars you can't walk around right now you give me two weeks i can figure out think about this your best version i mean i hadn't thought about this two weeks of training it's your best version of you you're gonna quit after two weeks we all know that's your best that's peak what if the teller says like you're like let me into the vault and they're like well the key is on that top shelf over there and then oh you know who can grab that thing then he can get he's taking the still any of the workers any of the workers who get in there all the time and must have a ladder would

also be able to grab it all right one more pick for mike i can't wait imagine the time imagine the time it takes them to get a ladder you what are you gonna do to your body next at this heist mike you're still on the clock well uh this one's to help me carry stuff like if i'm getting a whole bunch of money i'm gonna need a bag yeah i will take a bag yeah okay just a duffel bag right just just a bag a bag whatever it is you want two you just want one look i'm taking a bag to carry money okay no that makes sense does it have a money sign on it it would have been my next it would have been my next pick enjoy stuffing your pockets with 200 okay Well, here's the thing. I'm not going to need to just stuff my pockets with this money

because money is not always solid. Money is digital nowadays. I'm coming to where I need to go, to this bank, to their servers, to this place, and I'm taking a super hacking computer so that I can help get around the surveillance systems. I can help get that money digitally transferred to my bank account. Look, I got the blueprints not just to get into the vaults but to get into their server rooms.

And you got two weeks to learn how to do it. The best version of myself. I mean, this computer will do it for me. Just to quote you, super hacking computer? That is a direct quote. That's how I want it said. Enhance. You hear me, Borland?

Enhance. A super hacking computer. That's right. I went into Best Buy, and they said, how may I help you? And I said, look, I need a super hacking computer. And then they handed me a note, and it had a name and a number on it. I had to call that guy and meet him. Yeah, they handed you a note that said, sir, that doesn't exist.

This is Best Buy. Oh, it definitely exists, and I just drafted it. You're jealous. My super hacking computer, my weapon, my gun, and what else do I have? I got something else. You got a gun, blueprints, and a super hacking computer. I'm on my way. Also, can we acknowledge that I dominated you guys in a recent poll?

Just dominated? 86%? Yeah, you did have a runaway victory. You did. Yeah. That was... I knew you'd win it, but... Ew.

I have a vehicle. This is great. I have explosives. Super. I'm in the vault. I am going to draft some rope. Okay it's a great pick there are people that need to be restrained and really rope comes in quite handy in that situation from my extensive research uh so i will take some rope and now I have one pick left. And now I don't know what to take.

So I think what I will do is I will take a bulletproof vest. Because you don't want to die. Yeah, because I don't want to be shot with a bullet. And so whether it's some of the patrons of this bank that don't understand how i'm a peaceful bank robber here i didn't even draft a gun well the explosives might throw them off i'm peaceful i just want to blow this up but but one of the patrons could have a gun on them and i would like to be i'd like to be at least able to go on trial so i will finish it up with a bulletproof vest in case uh any trigger happy um you know police or patrons come after i don't need that i'll be so i'll be

way up you'll get shot in the shins yeah they which are my my stilts yeah that's true they won't even be able to possibly aim up to your face. Has anybody drafted bulletproof stilts before? Why don't people just rob banks when they're 6'7", 6'8"? They're fine. I'm peacefully. Because then they're always that. I take my stilts off, and they don't know how tall I am. No, I know, but I'm saying for the bullets, they're never going to be able to get you in the face.

Because then their real-life legs are going to get shot, and they need bulletproof legs. Look, I don't understand all the intricacies of stilts. Obviously, it's a great pick. So I closed mine out. Vehicle, explosives, rope, bulletproof vest. Jason has a gun, blueprints, a super hacking computer, and one pick left. I love this pick.

You guys are going to hate it. Oh, I love this pick. All right. Are you ready for this? No. I don't have a wagon. i don't have a wagon i don't have a i don't have a car i don't have a bag i know i'm gonna have to you do not know where i'm going my friend i am going to the roof and loading up my harrier jump jet that's's right. A Harrier? We didn't even go helicopter. We went with a jet?

So I wrote down helicopter. What I thought you were going to was helicopter. Yes, I wrote down helicopter, but then I'm like, I'm not getting away in a helicopter. You can't fly either of them, so it doesn't matter. That's fine. I mean, look, I got to live or die here, right? So I've got my best chance for escape with power and speed. I'm getting nobody's catching up to me.

If I had a helicopter on the roof and then they just call and they're like, you know, the helicopter that's in there, that's him. They could follow. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not getting away. They're just following me until I run out of gas. They're not following a Harrier jump jet. They're not assembling the military to come after this bank heist. I am gone.

You better pick your banks carefully. Yeah, there's got to have a big room. There are some banks that don't really, they're not conducive to whatever you just drafted. Yeah, true lies. Oh my gosh. Thank you, James Cameron. This draft went so many places I didn't expect it to go.

That's the fun. It's a taller draft than I expected. I'll tell you that. It sure is. And I've got one to absolutely shut it down. I didn't realize that I got to learn and inherit a whole bunch of skills that I don't have and won't have with five years of training. Jason, it's ridiculous. Two weeks. Two weeks, my friend. that I don't have and won't have with five years of training, Jason. It's ridiculous.

Two weeks. Two weeks, my friend. I'm not worried about the power of his Harrier jump jet in the polls, Mike. What is your final pick? It's clear what... It's clear. It's clear what my final pick will be because I'm trying to disguise myself

and I don't need dna turning me in i don't i don't need follicles of my hair being on the ground and they go well we know who this is that's why i have a wig of animal hair and it will absolutely distract all of the detectives and they will be like wait hold on a pig robbed this bank and they'll go wait no it was a horse wait so to recap you had the first pig in this draft yes i'm so happy right now and a pig hair wig no it's a mask you drafted a pig wig right no it's not just a pig all sorts of hair to throw them off thank you how dare you this is a pig but this one says it's a dog um and uh and uh and you've got a mask

all right that's what i'm saying they won't know who i am that robbed this bank they will not know here's the truth so mike is not going to mike is not going to jail mike's not because he's never getting any money from this place. You know what I mean? He's just walking in looking like someone different. Officer, I did nothing. Officer, I did nothing. I know.

Please get out of my way. I need to make a deposit. 10-41, there's a man in a pig wig. There's a tall, tall man in a pig wig. Well, they don't know that until they analyze the hair. Mike's going to be fine. I'm going to be dead in a jet crash. Yeah.

But I'm going to be. You're not even getting up. You're getting arrested on the roof of the bank. Oh, I can make it explode up there. Oh, no. You're pushing buttons to try to get that pain off the ground. I'm shooting my rockets. I'm causing a rocket.

You're telling the cops to stop coming at you while you figure the buttons out. That's right. And Andy has exploded trying to open up a safe. I feel like win this draft and i did not expect to you've got a shot but i think i think the harrier jump jet man people are gonna be all over that on the polls they're gonna be like that's awesome are there any things and i'm assuming the answer is no because there are nothing there's nothing left on my list but is there anything that was completely omitted al do you have anything that you the last thing on my list was wire cutters okay seems important bolt cutters yeah yeah owl yeah i didn't make a list but mine would have been far more but i already had one it would have been far more

practical than some of this all right well uh let's figure out what we learned what did we learn today please leave that in please leave that oh you have to leave that in now now you have to now he's oh yeah he wants to cut it dang you i could have fixed that no you sit in your shame ow you sit in it what did i learn today i learned that al was not ready for the soundboard drop from a distance oh my goodness thank you al and uh i learned that stilts are underrated when it comes to uh robbing a bank honestly i'd never thought of it so now i definitely know you you are welcome and i learned that the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker were, in fact, rub-a-dub-dubbing. In a tub-a-tub-tub-in. I also learned that we made a listener poop their pants.

And that's what I'm here for. It makes me feel good. That's what this is all about. Thank you, Spitwads. That is it for the show. Thank you so much for tuning in, supporting. You're amazing people. Don't rob banks. We'll catch

you next time. But if you do, wear stilts. You know it's from us. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.