Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Running for President and A Corporate Fight to the Death - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 19, 2021

Spit Hit for August 19, 2021: On today’s show, one of the Spitballers decides to throw his hat in the presidential race. Can you guess which one? Also, does a Rubix cube equate to a life sentence or early release? If you punch yourself and it hurts are you really strong or really weak? Would you rather be forced to perform open heart surgery on one person, or land a jet full of people? We staple up this episode with an ‘Office Supply Store Battle Royale’ draft! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

On today's Spit Hits, ladies and gentlemen, we talk about running for president, a bunch of very interesting questions like, if you punch yourself and it hurts, are you strong or are you weak? Would you rather perform open heart surgery or land a plane? And one of us has a very flamboyant answer to that question, as well as another battle royale. Well, let's get to it. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Really gristly. That was a gristly scat. That's my regular voice. What are you talking about? You've done some yelling recently? You know, I...

It's me. Did I hit the Oregon Trail. Mike, I think we might have mentioned this once, but someday, someday, because I've been thinking about it a lot. OK. Someday when we do a live show for this podcast, like we do for the fantasy footballers and we've got, you know, two, three hundred people. Right. Thousand.

Yeah. You know, we have them all, you know all scream the mailbag drop from the other show. Sure. But they're all going to scat the intro. Ooh, see, I was. And we're going to have just the worst sounding, everybody doing their own scat. It's going to be glorious. No, I think what we do is because this show, the community, we've got to give a guest the

opportunity. Now, see, that's where I was going. To win the prize, to come on stage, and you do the scat. You guys are being way too nice. You're being way too nice with the win. Guys, we've got to make that money. This thing is like you've got to pay. Oh, you bet.

You've got to pay $2,000, and you get to do the scat. You pay for the right. Yes, yes. You've got to get that scat cash. Yeah, oh. Scat cash. Welcome to the spitballers podcast hold on is that available i wouldn't don't need it uh would you rather that's a great question and a very violent i mean uh exciting interesting draft today i i will say this to tease our draft topic of the episode i don't know what to take

and i have the first pick uh and have no idea so we will have a lot of fun follow us on twitter at spitballers pod thank you for sending in your questions subscribing somebody reviewing what guys somebody owns cash for the price of 24., we can be the proud owners of scatcash.com. Wait, are they flipping it? Someone is trying to sell scat cash for $2,500. Now, when they get contacted, what do they go, what? Like, this worked? They're just putting that price up, and then if someone says,

I'll give you $5, they sold. You got it. How does that domain hold any value? It does not, Mike, and we will not be purchasing it, and we have no need for it. It's too late. We own it. Thank you so much, as I was saying, for sending in your questions

and your thoughts, your draft ideas, youtube.com. Also, thanks for the reviews over on Apple Podcast. Much, as I was saying, for sending in your questions and your thoughts, your draft ideas, youtube.com slash spitballers. Also, thanks for the reviews over on Apple Podcasts. We're going to read one of those reviews right now. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from thumbs up app raider number one. Five stars. This was my first podcast experience and within two weeks i listened to every episode after i finished i watched you guys on youtube and subscribed of course oh thank you naturally

you guys look nothing like i imagined andy definitely fits his voice by keeping the show on track jason is way skinnier than i first imagined a lot of fat jokes you made self-deprecating humor included well it's all in the belly so when you're on youtube that's hidden you guys have no idea how pregnant i look you're you're all about over promising right and under delivered yeah that's what i look for and mike i thought mike would be this big buff tatted up guy. Wait a minute. Hold on. Wait. Hold on. He's definitely tatted up. You're tatted up. Hold on. So there's only one thing that he's missed.

Andy looks like his voice. Jason gets a thin compliment. I'm looking great. They, I don't know the gender of thumbs up apparator number one, but thumbs up apparator can eat a bag. You, sir.

If you're listening, listen. How dare you? You have not yet gone to YouTube, which honestly, after last week's episode, you had to have gone to YouTube to see our hullabaloo, which I won't spoil for you. But listen, if you're listening and you haven't seen the YouTube yet, I want you to know that Mike has tattoos. He has a lot of tattoos. But if you, like thumbs up apparator number one, believe that he is this big buff, tatted up guy. He definitely has tattoos.

He definitely has tattoos. That's what we understand from this. Why you got to demean my gains, bro? That's a five-star review. I agree. That's a three-star. Wait, you're reviewing the reviews? Yeah.

Oh. That's right. Got to keep them accountable. Let's jump in. Would you rather? All right. This question comes in from CJ over on Twitter. Would you rather go to jail for a year or go to jail for the amount of time it takes you to solve a Rubik's Cube?

It could be minutes. We're going to be real honest here, guys. This is a life sentence i if you tell me can i get one side of the rubik's cube i can do that right quick but i don't know how long it would actually take me to figure that out mike have you done a rubik's cube i have no idea and i have none of us have done one no i have friends who they claim there is just a simple algorithm and a process that as soon as you know that, you can do it. Which I would assume is true since there's those people that can do them blindfolded in five seconds. Could you learn that algorithm in a year, Mike?

I don't know. Doing it all day long? I have to. Well, I mean, look, sometimes you got to work the ground. Do I get a piece of chalk? algorithm in a year mike i don't know doing it all day long i have well i mean look sometimes you got to work the ground do i get a piece of chalk like can i at least write on the wall and plan this thing out this actually matters to me uh al borland can i get a clarification this is this is like county jail this is not hardcore prison right because that matters a lot because i will go i mean percentage we'll go with county jail like it's better hold on do i have to join a gang i have you might stay alive i have to believe whatever gang will take you with your rubik's cube but they would see the big shredded tatted. You've got tats.

So I believe in myself. I believe that I could, if given one year. Right. You've got a lot of downtime. A lot of what we call alone time in jail, I would imagine. And if I can't solve that in a year. It better be alone time. What do you do at that point?

You go, Oh no. Honestly, that Oh no moment would happen on day one. It would happen on day one because I'm going to give it everything I got. I'm going to give six straight hours. And you'll know if after six straight hours, I'm like, Oh,

this is never, this is never going to happen. Part of the i would i imagine now i don't know because i haven't been to jail but i imagine part of what stinks about being in jail or prison is knowing the sentence is x amount of days long so if you put me in jail and i literally have a rubik's cube in front of me that represents my freedom. So if I get lucky and I hit it, they open the door and I walk out. That would be a lot of hope for me during that period. Now, that hope fades year two, year three, year four.

What if you get it all but one dot? You're like, oh, no. Because to move, it's not as simple as just like, oh, well, then just move that one. You've got to move everything to get that one dot right. I feel like, man, the more that I actually think about the inner workings of a Rubik's Cube and the inner workings of my mind, I think I might take the year. Because you know. You know you'll get out.

I know I'll get out. This is not a life sentence. You know it's not a life sentence. I know I'll get out. This is not a life sentence. Look, if Shawshank can use a spoon and dig his way out, I can solve a Rubik's Cube. And if not, I'll tear the stickers off.

That's the way I would solve it. That's cheating. You get an extra year. What if you gave everybody in all of our prisons Rubik's Cubes? All their sentences. How many people would take that? How many people would get out? Well, we'd have very smart criminals on the release. Right.

Who gets out? The smart ones. That wouldn't be good, right? Because you can solve a Rubik's cube makes you smart i believe so yes it's an iq test it seems like there has to be a level of intelligence to solving an iq test it's not just right i mean you i do think it's memorization though for the for those that actually do it they know all the patterns as soon as you know what you do after this pattern after that pattern do you get internet time in jail like ever? Oh, you get dial up.

He's trying to cheat. Well, yeah, I'm going to watch YouTube videos and be like, all right, how do I do this? Al, have you solved the Rubik's Cube on your own before? No, I haven't. I'm ordering the Rubik's Cube. What would you do? I want to know what you would do. Would you take the year?

I'd try the cube. I'm going to roll the dice. I'm going to try the cube. And you know what I'm going to do if I can't do it I'm going to say to myself I deserve to be in jail right after a year

I deserve to be here I don't deserve to be part of the public because I can this is my life now one year of failure it's either day one or it's never going to happen really

I think I would learn slowly I would learn slowly but I mean if you gave me a Rubik's Cube right now while I'm not in jail and I'm like I'm going to go hard at this thing I'm going to solve it that's my goal today there's no way I'm giving it more than 20 minutes

like I would be like okay this is impossible and I would quit but if I've got no other choice because I'm in jail I would zone in for hours and it would either happen day one or never a life sentence or one day so how many days then with your rubik's cube until you just disassemble it and try and turn it into a shank well that would that would happen on day two well this is never gonna happen now i need a

weapon if you lose that rubik's cube you're you're. You're there for life. You're in trouble. By the way, I am ordering a Rubik's Cube for here. I feel like everybody that can do Rubik's Cubes is listening right now, telling us how easy it is. Oh, they're smelling their farts right now. Oh, my God. I did that when I was eight. Well, you know what? Good for you.

I can't. We were busy building this incredible podcast. Well, you know what? Good for you. I can't. We were busy building this incredible podcast. Aren't you so great? Brett from the website sends in a would you rather question. Says, would you rather be forced to perform open heart surgery on one person? It's called a murder. Or land a jet full of people? Oh, my word. This might this might be oh my gosh who how few people do

you want to kill today i feel like i've got a much better chance of landing a plane and i'm don't get me wrong it's low i'm not saying i'm because you don't get any help you're just no you get help no no no no you're you're landing a plane. I assume, Borland, they're putting you in the cockpit and closing the door. Yep. Sure, but I'm on the radio. I'm saying, hey, traffic control. No, that's what I'm saying. You get to actually use the radio.

Because if they literally put you in a cockpit... So, wait, do I get nurses around me to cinch up all of these open veins I've caused? Of course. Sure, you get a nurse. Okay. Doctors don't do open heart by themselves. They don't call the team in. I'm more of a freelance.

Hold on. I got this. Give me the room. Clear the room. I've got work to do. Give me the room. It's got to be, if you're landing the jet, you have to be, it's the, not the dream, but that's the daydream scenario of if I'm on a plane and they call,

is there a pilot? And you stand up because you're a hero. I'm going to save the day. You get to throw on the headphones and you get to talk. They get to talk you through the landing. So here's the other part, right? It always works out, too. Think about the afterwards, okay?

The afterwards. Either you've saved this man's life, probably not, in the open heart. No, there's a 0% chance. Yeah, there's a 0% chance, right? He's just dead. Yes. I mean, okay, so I've killed this man. Yes.

And now afterwards, I have to live with that. I have to live with the family. Now, on the other side, you land the plane. You are a hero for hundreds of people. Or, flip side, it don't matter you're gone for the shame no accountability i'm going with them you know what i mean like my life is on the line that's true that's a bonus not like i don't want to live with this afterwards who is that man that just gave my husband heart surgery who is that man running down the street sprinting away however one way or another

whether you have to live with it or not you're either killing 300 people no and yourself or you're killing one man no because you're a woman you have a percentage chance to land the jet okay if things go south in either situation of course course. You are technically you're dead, so you don't live with the guilt, but you have technically killed more people. Yeah, but look, there's a chance that I could land the plane and people just get minor injuries. I'm realizing. You think so much of your pilot skills.

I think that little of my open heart surgery skills. I'm going through my mind. That's more of what it is. What would I do? Here's the difference. Not only what would I do. What is supposed to be done? Like open heart surgery, I don't know what they do.

Like landing a plane, I know what is done. I know that you have to put the wheels out. And your goal is to get. You got to do something with the flaps. Yep. I don't know if it's up to them. Turn that engine on reverse or whatever makes the engine go. You just hit the computer button.

I know. Land plane. I know what the goal is. What is the goal of an open heart surgery? Why are you asking the nurses? Am I clearing arteries? This is much like me disabling a bomb. I would have the person is opened up.

Oh, you cut the blue wire. And every time I go with the scalpel, I'm looking over at the nurse like, eh? The fact that you're going with a scalpel. And then I go to the next one. Eh? The next vein. Because it's a series of colored veins, different shapes and colors. I'm a one-tool doctor.

It's always a scalpel. What are you going with? Whatever they tell me. No, no, no. What are you going with there, hotshot? Well, I'm going to use the- I wouldn't use a scalpel. I'd use the what?

I'm going to use the clamps first. The clamps. Give them the clamps. I've got to clamp the body cavity open. Yeah, you need the rib spreader. Yeah. Right? You put the wheels down.

You do the flaps. There's some flaps in there. There are definitely flaps. All right. I guess the plane is my best odds. I'm going to die. I'm not going to die in the open-heart surgery. That is true.

That is true. So, okay. What is your percentage chance of landing the plane? What do you honestly... No jokes. What do you believe? It happens tomorrow? We are flying tomorrow.

Oh, gosh. If we have to land that plane, we're going to find out right now which one of us it's going to be. I will perform open-heart surgery on myself in the plane if one of you two are flying it. I give myself a 25% chance. What? Yes. I thought I was going to be very giving and say 2%. Yeah.

Because they can. I honestly think 5% that I can do something with the plane to make us not all die instantly. Right. Maybe. Yeah, I'm going to look for the body of water. I'm going to land it on that. Is that better? I think you'd tear up.

Borland, we need a lot of help here. I love that Jason gave himself a 0% chance of solving a Rubik's Cube and a 25% chance of landing a jet. That is correct. I stand by it. I believe everything I said. Mm-hmm. Look, math checks out on that. That's your pilot's test.

The final pilot's test is actually a Rubik's Cube. You don't have to be a pilot to land a plane. That's the question. All right. We'll move on to the next question. This one also coming from Twitter. Savon. Savon.

Underscore Savon. In a fight to the death, would you rather have a sword or a shield? You can now have both, and your opponent gets the opposite. I know what I want. I want a sword. I want the shield. Really? Yeah.

No way. Oh, absolutely. Do you believe that you'll be able to use that shield in an aggressive fashion? Look, let's say the two of us are fighting. Yeah, let's do it right now. I've got a big, great sword. One, do you realize how heavy a sword is? You're darn right I do.

So swinging that sword, you are going to, I would say, let's say seven to ten swings, you are going to be tired. I will be tired of hacking your body apart. Yes, I will. No, the weight of the sword, Mike, I will say this, it does translate to the impact when it hits you or your shield. Yes, absolutely. But I'm imagining this is a real shield where it's not just going to break.

It's also heavy. Yes. But it's huge. And what speed can you actually get if you're swinging a broadsword? Oh, dude, I'm doing full 360s with this broadsword. The swing never ends. No, you swing never ends you're doing a 120 at most and i am going over just i'm gonna get dizzy take the shield and curse splat but you're not gonna have like because i'm going for the feet that like first thing first you're gonna have to

be blocking your shield will real love wound i'm gonna be going try to take your legs out first right and then you put the shield down. Oh, I'm going up top. You can't change. What he's saying is it's so heavy. Now, swords are crazy heavy, man. You're a strong guy. You'd handle a great sword better than most. I'm not sure about the 360 technique.

I don't have tattoos. Is that the sword tornado you're going for? Yes, the swordnado is my move. I've seen this in a cartoon. The swordnado. I just go faster and faster. So, Mike, you're confident you could block, obviously, all of the hits until you tire out.

That's what you believe. One, I'm very confident in that. Two, all I have to do is create a decent amount of space, and I feel like I could charge you... Oh, shoulder. I could shoulder shield. ...with the shield, and you're not going to be able to do anything about it.

I would do a front flip over you and sword right down into your head. I mean, there's no doubt. The world that Jason lives in, Borland, Jason is now a ninja. Is a world where he does flips, lands planes. Can't solve cubes. Can't solve a cube. Look, I've got my humility in check with the Rubik's Cube.

You will flip yourself onto the sword blade and die. Well, I will have to do nothing. First run. You're going to show me everything that you can do. Check out all these moves. I'm so tired. You'll be so winded. Trip on the sword.

Here's the thing. I feel like this question is like, would you rather have a gun or a bulletproof vest? Like, I want the thing that kills. A gun. But a gun is point and shoot. It is not a 40 pound sword. That is the extreme of this example. I can dodge a shield better than I can dodge a sword.

Just in pure dodgy. So if we're going against each other and I've got a sword with a pointy end, are you just playing full turtle in this situation? Let's say I smack you and you block it. And you block it the first five times. You have to block it at 100% of the time. You don't block it. Uh-oh.

You've got a sword in you somewhere. That's bad news bears. I really want to get an actual sword in your hand and see how fast you can actually swing the sword. Look, I did stage combat for several years. Okay. With real swords? They were weighty. What is happening here? I don't know. What is he talking about? Hold on. I've got? They were weighty. What is happening here? I don't know.

What is he talking about? All right, hold on. I've got to add to the cart. You did stage combat? We are now comparing a stage prop to a medieval broadsword. Well, now, real quick, to be fair, this question does not say a medieval broadsword. No, it could be. It's just a regular sword.

I don't have to have, like, clouds. William Wallace's just a regular sword. I don't have to have, like, clouds. William Wallace's great sword doesn't. You don't have to have that. I can handle a sword that is out there. Now, Mike, does it change if... Well, if you get to pick the side... What if I'm given a dagger? What if I'm given a dagger?

Are you more afraid of me with a dagger than you are of a great sword? Yes. Because I'll get a couple shots. A dagger would be... Yeah, that would be a lot. I'd be able to get something. If the question was, would you rather have a dagger and your opponent gets a sword, or you get the sword and your opponent gets a dagger, I'm taking the sword 100%.

Yeah, I'm taking the sword. But that's a completely different scenario. If you get a sword, and I'm fine, you don't get a broadsword, two-handed broadsword, but you still get a sword and i'm fine you don't get a broad sword two-handed broad sword but you still get a real sword yes i think i could win the fight with the shield katana oh i don't know that you would never that's because that's a different type of blade yeah it's great it's very lightweight yeah we used to have one in our old studio and we'd go out and slice fruit with it. You can remember that, guys? A shield or a blow dart gun. Ooh.

How many darts? 12. 12 poisonous darts. But you've got to be able to. Oh, of course you've used one. Of course. I have. I've trained for many years. When I was hunting down in the Amazon,

I brought nothing but my blow dart gun. What part of it? What 10 years showed up today on the show that none of us know about? Stage combat and blow dart shooting? Yes. Okay. Those are two different things. I was a theater major.

You don't think they have stage combat for years? Anyways. No. I don't think that you'd have blow dart experience from being in theater. Stage combat does not equate to real combat. No, I get that. My point is I'm... Okay, now you lay down.

This is the part where you drop your shield slightly, and I get in with the sword. It's always so easy. Of course I can land a plane. I was in theater. The blow darts have nothing to do with the stage combat, but my point that I was going to make is I've used a blow dart before. True. Okay.

And I can't hit Jack's squat with it. Okay. So if you tell me that I've got 12 blow darts and you've got a shield, I'm probably not even hitting the shield. Right. So I'm back to the sword. Give me the sword. You guys can have everything else.

You can have a gun. You're dead. All right. Jason, we're all looking to get out of the house. We need an excuse sometimes, and I got a good one for you. Rad Power Bikes. Powered bikes? Heck yeah, man. Powered by radness, Jason.

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you got to try Rad Power Bikes. Maybe you're running some errands. Maybe you're taking the kiddos on an adventure. Maybe you're commuting with up to five levels of assisted hill climbing power. You can ride up to 20 miles an hour without pedaling at all. That hill will be no problem for you on your Rad Power Bike. They're affordable. Most e-bikes, they're like $3,000, but Rad Power Bikes start at just $999, and most are under $1,500. And right now, for a limited time, Rad Power Bikes offers flexible financing for as low as 0% APR plus free shipping. Bikes are going super fast, so make sure you order right away.

Text SPITBALLERS to 64000 today and get free shipping. SPITBALLERS to 64000. Text SPITBALLERS to 64000. Terms apply. Available at RadPowerBikes.com. Again, text SPITBALLERS to 64,000. Terms apply. Available at radpowerbikes.com slash terms. Again, text spitballers to 64,000. That's a great question. They didn't teach Rubik's

cubes in your theater class, did they? No, sir. Did they? Jordan on Twitter has a great question for us. If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you really strong or really weak? Oh, that's good. Oh, man. Are you really strong or really weak?

So this might be depending on the individual. So this might be depending on the individual. But for me, I'm really strong because the punch is going to be so hard that it would hurt anyone. Do you think, Jason, who with this, I don't know where this inflated super ego has come from. I don't know. We're going to test it. Could you punch yourself so hard you could knock yourself out? Oh, I think you could do that. Right?

I don't believe I could do it because of the willpower. The willpower. I think my mind would stop myself. It's like trying to get a splinter out. So your mind is weak. Correct. Your mind is weak, but your body is strong. Now, wait a minute.

Does that make your mind weak or your mind strong? Your mind is overcoming the body. So no matter what, I a minute. Does that make your mind weak or your mind strong? Your mind is overcoming the body. So no matter what, I'm strong. This is the Jason is strong episode. I'm doing flips with my swords and punching myself because I'm so strong. But I'm so strong-minded. Well, I'm jumping off the plane. Oh, of course.

Talk and roll. Man. Have you done the, like, so if my son gets a splinter or something, I could dig it out with a needle, right? Or like even we brought up the surgery, like, look, I'm not going to be good at open heart surgery, but I'm certainly going to be better doing it on you than on myself. Right. There's something that happens when you know you're causing yourself pain. You're causing yourself to bleed. Whatever the case may be,

you talked about not being able to overcome that. Have you had to do that before? Oh, I've had to do many things. That's like the guy in the woods that, not in the woods, the desert that had to cut his own hand off. Yeah. I don't feel like I could ever do it, but I'm not in that situation. I haven't had to do that. You haven't had to cut your arm off?

No. Really? No, he wasn't in theater. No. Exactly. So stating the obvious, I haven't had to do that. Have you ever had an ingrown toenail? Not to the degree that you're about to get to. I had chronic ingrown toenails for a long time. That's something to be proud of.

This is not a statement of, you guys, your toenails are so stupid, Mike. That's a weird flex over there, man. What's this? So I've had to dig those out. I've had to... Did out. I've had to. Did you take a shot of whiskey beforehand and put a leather belt in your mouth? No.

I was a kid. And I remember as a younger lad, the dentist telling me the roots of your tooth. Like, these are some baby teeth. The roots are gone, but the tooth is not loose. So either you get this out or we have to take it out. And I remember ripping teeth out. Of yourself? What?

Yes. Because you didn't want them to do it? Sure. Because you didn't want the little shot. You're a monster. I just was like, I think I can do this. So a tooth that's not loose at all just found a little lip. And the roots were gone.

That's so horrifying. I think you liked hurting yourself. Oh my gosh. I got it done man but it's it's funny it's funny because we got ron swanson over here yeah the question is are you really strong and really weak i want to know why it's in our male dna to just lie about whether something hurts here's the truth if you punch yourself if you punch yourself and it hurts or if you're punched and it hurts it hurts regardless of whether you say it hurts right like that's just a fact an objective truth you punch me it hurts but if i say it hurts i am weak but it hurts regardless of whether i say it hurts it does not take a very hard punch for something to hurt. Despite this episode being full of me building myself up, I have no problem admitting when I hurt myself all the time.

You pulled a knee on a recent episode. Yes, I did. We got a new furniture set for our bedroom, and the footboard of the bed kind of has this thing that comes out. The wood comes out a little bit into a corner. I keep hitting the same spot. Oh, my gosh. He's got the bruise. He's got a bruise on his leg that looks horrendous.

Because it's not close to the same spot that you hit. You must have hit it the same time five times. I'm taking this bruise. I'm like, again. Again. Yes, again. Again. Yes, sir. May I have another? But I don't have any problem admitting that I am weak when I am hurt.

Which, for the record, is never hurt. All right. Blink182 Dudette on Reddit. You awaken standing on a stage in front of a podium with no recollection of how you got there and no sign of what the event is about with thousands of people awaiting your speech. What do you talk about? I've got a good one. Three words. I just say three words.

Ooh. That's it. What is it? Introducing Jason Moore. And then you run off. And I step off the stage. No matter if he's there or not. Loophole, baby.

Man. Okay, so Jason, you're on the stage now. You can't introduce anyone else because you've just been introduced. So what would I discuss? So this is in front of a podium. This seems very. It's very official. Very official. Thousands

of people awaiting my speech. I'd like to thank my teachers. No, I would announce that I'm running for President of the United States. I mean, how often do you get the platform with thousands of people to announce my candidacy for the

President of the United States of America. Please download the Spitballers podcast. Take out your phone. If you want to know what I believe in, and you want to know how strong I am, and my abilities with planes and swords. Let me make it clear. I've been in theater.

Well, hold on. So you're announcing you're running for President. Yes, sir. Well, very common then. You go into some sort of stump speech or your platform. So, I mean, people would, they're waiting. What platform are you running on? Oh, I'm running on the platform of change.

Okay. Okay. Not, I will never specify what it's going to be. Oh, no, this is good. I would never say what is coming. Aren't you tired of it? I'm tired of it all. And here's the thing honestly can i talk

to america for a second yes please do look there are certain things that that we like there are certain things that everybody likes in america and those are the things that i'm going to bring more up those are the things i'm going to build up i'm going to say more cheese to people that the things you love about america i will make those things more and more. More meatballs. All of the things that you guys are so frustrated with, I'm going to get rid of them. Yep. That's my stump speech.

And you know what? I think it could work. It could. Have any of you out there ever felt happy or sad before? I will make you happy and I will remove your sadness. I will never specify any political anything i will you know what do you think on immigration you know i think that what the people think about immigration is right and i think that what you're thinking in your head right now

what you are what you've been frustrated with is exactly what i've been frustrated you're right it is and and now mike i'm going to change it for you. Okay. You wake up, but the audience, these thousands of people, they are mid-applause or laughter. So you just did something. You don't know what you did.

Where do you go from there? Does that change anything? You try to give them your next one-liner because the last one worked. If people are applauding, I would probably naturally go right into a Mick Jagger rooster strut around the stage. And just see how long it can last. Dude, there would be a lot of it. I promise.

I know you well enough to know. The applause has died down. And I'm just still going. But do you want to know how you're going to get it back? Super smashing that air guitar. Just one strum. Just one. You know?

Didn't you, like, win an air guitar contest? I did not win. I was robbed, but I did enter. I've seen the video. I did enter an air guitar contest. I've seen it. And I was awesome. Yeah.

It's a thing. This reminds me of, do you remember Black Sheep, right, Jay? Oh, yes. The classical Chris Farley. Classic. When he just runs out and he just starts throwing phrases out. Yeah. That's one small step for man.

Oh, get the cliches. Yes. Oh, yeah. All the quotes. Oh, my gosh. That's what my platform is based upon. Everything you love. Just do it.

You just start throwing i'm loving it all right oh my gosh oh my gosh you're gonna like the way you look i guarantee it all, let's draft. Spit Wads, listen, your money should be working for you. Your bank account should be helping you, not fighting against you. And that's what Chime is all about. It's an award-winning app and a debit card with no hidden fees or monthly minimums. Look, maybe you have a little oopsie. The fee-free overdraft on up to $200 in debit

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Overdraft only applies to debit card purchases. Limits start at $20 and may be increased up to $200 by Chime. Early direct deposit depends on the payer. Out network cash withdrawal fees apply third party and cash deposit fees may apply go to chime.com slash ballers for details the spitballers draftraft. Oh, no. So we are back in the realm of our occasional battle royales, my friends. We are, we've been dropped off at an office supply store. A Staples, an office man. Yes, yes. And it's time to go to battle.

I mean, it's time to go to war. You better hope they don't have swords. No swords, no shields, yes. And it's time to go to battle. I mean, it's time to go to war. You better hope they don't have swords. No swords, no shields, yeah. Now, I have the first pick in this draft. Oh, no. Now, I don't know what your mental state is, either of you. I have no idea what to draft in this draft. I have been given a heads up before the draft.

It's like Borland's like, all right, you know what we're doing, right? We're doing this office battle royale. Make sure you think of a couple things. I've pulled up a couple office supply websites because maybe there's something I'm forgetting. There's not. There's not. It's just office

supplies. I have to go to war with you. I'm going to go with what my default answer was before I even thought about it. The only thing that popped into my head, and it could be the wrong answer. It could be the right answer. At least I know that it will work. I'm taking scissors. Yeah.

Oh, so I picked the right thing? Oh, sure. That's on the list. Okay. I'm taking scissors because I know how to use them. I'm not worried about what I'll do next when I pick up a pair of scissors. I will run with them. I will run with these scissors.

Oh, that's a dangerous prospect. Yeah, so I'm taking scissors as my number one pick, and we'll see where we go from here. We do not encourage the children out there listening to run with scissors. No, absolutely. Or to land planes or play with swords. Do we need a disclaimer?

Can I have a miniature aside here i'm a presidential candidate mike i've gotta i've gotta watch what i say now quick question you're you're both dads i'm a dad yeah i'm have your kids tried to run with scissors before yes have you told them don't run with scissors of course how do you hold scissors when you point in you hold the blades now do you hold the blades point in uh point in to me is like you hold it when you point in? You hold the blades. Now, do you hold the blades? Point in to me is like you hold it where the point is. You don't hold by the handles. You hold by the blades. Now, I've always heard that, right?

But is that with the blades facing you or facing out? I guess they're the same, right? Because I'm trying to think if my child falls with a pair of scissors, how do I want them holding the scissors? Blade down, handle up. But holding. Oh. Like stabbing position. It's stabbing position. Blade down, handle up. But holding... Oh, yeah.

Like stabbing position. It's stabbing position. Exactly right. Thank you. But also, blades closed. Otherwise... Man, once again, being careful to clarify. Mike, you're on the clock. I better give you this pick.

I'm giving it to you. Scissors was one of the top ones, and the only other one that I could possibly think of. I will take a utility knife. Dang it. A box cutter was next on my list. Borland, that brings this to mind. Now, that's totally an acceptable pick. If something is drafted here today because we're desperate, because we're in trouble,

can you please buzz in if it's completely ineligible for an office supply store? Will do. Thank you. Because I have a feeling that might happen. He goes, I will take a sword. I will take an assault rifle. An office sword, of course. Hey, we had swords at our last office.

This is true. Did you buy them at Staples? I did not. Oh. They did not have any swords. All right. You get back to back picks jay this could be a really great moment for you and what i was really looking forward to was either the scissors or a box cutter hmm so you're gonna so those are gone may need to go shield um i am

gonna go shield but i'm gonna go offensive shield i'm gonna go some with with an item that gives me a little bit of uh a little bit of weight a little bit of distance and i can swing it around and it's been a very popular weapon used as a weapon it better not be the one i just thought of in wrestling for a long time oh that's a great pick i'm taking a folding chair okay okay i'll smack you right on the back and i'll watch you go down while I look around for the referee. I will be slightly bruised. You're darn right I will. On strike one. If I've learned anything from wrestling, it's that people can be hit in the head with a steel chair, but they're actually okay.

That's fake, Mike. Yeah, I know. That's what I mean. Mine will be real. And then, man, so for my next pick, I'm going to go with the first thing I thought of, which is really dumb. Okay. But when this got presented, I'm like, what would I grab?

What would I want? I'm thinking about the aisles. And I actually know this would be a good weapon. I have one. It's too stupid. You would not pick this. But I have one at my home. If I could have that one.

I mean, you're all in trubs. It's a power strip with a 10-foot cord. Okay. So it's almost like a mace. Oh, that's pretty innovative. I mean, it's got the long cord. Oh, and then you're whipping it around. With the heavy thing at the end. And yeah, it's like a long cord. Oh, and then you're whipping it around. With the heavy thing at the end.

And yeah, it's like a mace, a whip with a ball and chain at the end. And I'm just smacking you from distance. That's not bad. That's not bad at all. It's not as good as my next pick. Oh, man. I will take a fire extinguisher. Oh.

Yes. Oh, no. That's a very good pick. I'll have to close my eyes for a second. He might hit you with it. Oh, no. That's a very good pick. I'll have to close my eyes for a second. He might hit you with it. Oh, shoot. You realize I don't get... That's pretty hard.

He might hit you with it rather than spray you and put your fire out. I like it, Jason. Oh, no. In a fight, I might have to close my eyes and not be able to see for a period of time. I run hot. This will feel real nice, Mike. Box cutter. I run hot. This will feel real nice, Mike. Box cutter. Wow.

Okay. So you've got box cutter and you've got fire extinguisher. Yeah, that's great. I'm tapped out. Jason, you have. I have a folding chair and a long cord power strip. Which is, I think that's a good pick. I really do.

Because that gives you some distance. You get the right cord on that? Mm-hmm. I know do. Because that gives you some distance. You get the right chord on that? Mm-hmm. I know one of my two picks. I'm not positive where I'm going with the second one. I have scissors so far. I'm going to go with duct tape. I'm going to go with duct tape.

Are we good there? Oh, yeah. Mike and I are thrilled. I'm not sure what you're doing. Mike and I are thrilled about it. Well, I mean, I'm going to tie you up with it. What do you mean? Well, if you can, let me just say this.

If you're at the place where you can already tie us up, if that has happened, I guess I'm dead already. Are we fighting to the tie up? Well, I think what we do is we give him a two minute head start where he can do whatever he wants while we stand there. And he just wraps us up. How are you gonna wrap us up when we're trying to not let you wrap us up the way i view this is i we're at war i don't know are you taking a hostage that i might need to i might need to get information out of you and you know why i'm gonna tie you up and i'll put your head in a paper shredder that's

my second pick i'm taking a paper shredder as That's my second pick. I'm taking a paper shredder. It's as good as your lawnmower. You bet it. I love these blades that are not going to hurt you. Give me your fingers. Oh, I will. Give me your hands going in. Mike, I'll feed it beard first, Mike.

Oh, beard first is pretty creative. You're getting sucked in with the beard. Is the beard strong enough to actually activate it? Oh, you're darn right it might be. You're darn right it might be. You're darn right it might be you're darn right you're darn right it could be all right mike you're back on the clock okay this is so stupid okay i am taking some ranged items i am going to take coffee mugs coffee mugs yeah okay i'm gonna take porcelain coffee mugs they sell those of course they sell those i know they sell coffee yeah i did look i did look at

alborlin briefly when you said it because just to think of what we think of as a general office supply i'm not sure coffee mugs are quite in that category, but it's 100% up to Borla. I feel like I can get those at Staples, and I can either throw them at you, which, whatever, or I can smash them. I can create some sort of- Oh, like a porcelain trap? Like a porcelain minefield to protect myself. Really?

If only we didn't have shoes. Hey, look. I will take that duct tape, and I will stick some of those shards on there, and then I'll have a little porcelain whip. Oh, you don't need a whip. What if I were you? I would tape them to my hands. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that. All right. I'm going to have to put you on tilt here. I checked OfficeMax and Staples, and neither of them have coffee mugs in store for pickup. They have them available for order, but not in store. You got to be at the store. So Mike has nothing. He drafted nothing.

Oh, that is fantastic. Wait, so does that mean I have to re-pick? Yes, you have to re-pick. You don't just get three things all week. However. How is there a photo of a coffee mug on this website? Because it's showing what a person at an office would have when they bring these supplies to them.

They're like, wouldn't you like to have this coffee mug go to Starbucks? So you will. Obviously, the rules are the rules. If you make another ineligible pick, you have to skip your draft selection. Right. Which would be the equivalent of getting duct tape. Oh, dude, I don't know. That changed quick.

Yeah, okay, whatever. Throwback to the whatever, the warehouse. I will also take batteries again. Oh, okay. All right, that's your projectile? Yeah. All right. I knew that was coming, too. i knew batteries is going to be drafted by mike he's got a thing for batteries they're yeah they're great all right so i am going uh man this we're we're really scraping the bottom of the

barrel here yes um i am going to can i draft an it guy what are those um i don't know if you want one but if you do get one i am tying him up yeah and extracting information i'll bet he could duct tape the i will duct tape the heck out of that guy what are you doing please stop that that hurts my arm do you have kenneth you captured kenneth he's my meat shield no um all right mike and his shields all right uh so i'm on the clock let me read you my list of uh things letter oh oh you're gonna the ones you're thinking of like a letter opener for example folding chair box cutter i've got to get two here is that right you do you could just take like a do they have like an office break uh couch that you could just lay down and give up? I'm going to take a, what are those large, are they called a magnum? The flashlights.

Flashlights, a pistol. Do they sell those? Yeah, there's flashlights. Yeah, flashlights, but not like an actual security flashlight. We're not at a Lowe's. We're not at a Home Depot. Al Borland can verify. I'm talking about a mag light, but let me look.

Yeah, I mean, you know, a heavy-duty flashlight. I believe they sell those at an office store, and I think that Al Borland's going to tell me if I just grabbed my very own coffee mug. Yeah, I feel like the chance of them having a coffee mug is higher than them having a weaponized flashlight. A mag night is not looking good for you, Jake. It's not looking good for me. Yeah, this is good. Suddenly, duct tape doesn't look so bad does it boys can't find a pick can you boys all right i look it's no box cutter and it's it's no scissors but i am going to take a letter opener

because that is okay just so you can have something i can still stab you with it and if we know anything my swordsmanship is well you'll be doing flips yes i will be flipping so you can have something. I can still stab you with it. And if we know anything, my swordsmanship is immaculate. Well, you'll be doing flips. Yes. I will be flipping over you. I have no doubt. Straight down into the skull. Have we...

Real quick, I did find a heavy-duty flashlight at Office Depot. Oh, yes! If you want it, you can have it. I want my mag light. So that's your second pick? Yes. Oh, baby. Oh, crap. Yeah, that's your second pick yes oh baby oh crap yeah that's cool you've got a you've got

a single flashlight that you can shine light at me okay okay you're gonna hit me with it extinguisher you're gonna hit me with the same thing i'm not looking to blind you i'm looking to smack you across the head except i can actually wheel a flashlight wheeled you can wheel it wheel it around how big is this thing so what's your just to get a lay of the land jason what is your current roster my completed roster ah is a uh let's see here i went with a folding chair uh an extension cord power strip a mag light and a letter opener. And just for the record, I will be killing you both with this. Okay.

I will not be killing you. I will be capturing you. Mike. You will be a permanent hostage. You will suffer. Yes. You will suffer for years. Okay.

With the duct tape. I am taking an all-purpose cleaner. I'm taking spray bleach. Okay. Okay. That's funny. I'm taking spray bleach. Okay. Okay. That's funny. I almost went back to the well from our, like... Is that a grocery store?

No, that was... Oh, that was the hardware store. Did you take bleach in that one? I sure did. And you made fun of me profusely. Yeah. Well, because this... Mine's in a spray bottle.

Cool. Cool. Spray bleach. Got it. So your team, then? Your finished roster? I have no idea. What did I get?

Borland? Mike's got a utility knife, a fire extinguisher, batteries, and spray bleach. That's not bad. That's a pretty good team. I think I can actually do something. Yeah. And what do I have? You have scissors, duct tape, paper shredder.

Oh, that's okay. And you don't need another pick. Take Kenneth the IT guy. Look, I was going to go with a paper cutter because they have that really long blade. You can cut like a big piece of paper. But... But that would...

You have to like run at people just chomping it. Look, all of my roster is built around capturing you and then torturing you. Yes. That is my guillotine. However, I already have my guillotine in the paper shredder,

and I need a ranged weapon, and so I'm going to draft padlocks. I'm going to take those padlocks that you might put on a file cabinet or on a desk, the big heavy padlocks, because I think they're going to hurt more than Mike's batteries. I really do. What would hurt more, a battery or a padlock? A padlock probably would, but are you going to be as accurate throwing them? I mean, they're weird. Let me see.

Yes, I would. Yep. He checked. I checked. Okay. I will be just as accurate. They are not balanced like a battery. Do you want to know what they want?

But guess what they can do? Lock people up? Yeah, I'm going to lock you up afterwards. We're going to be duct taped, and then we will be locked somewhere. Yeah, I'm going to do a whole saw thing, too. You're going to have to put yourself into the paper shredder on my command. I'm getting morbid. When you guys throw the batteries and the locks at me, they will not hurt my chair that will be blocking them all.

Yeah, that's true. It's Mike's shield, and he already said a shield is the best weapon in the world. Well, this one is, uh, was a very difficult situation. I really hope I don't have to kill you guys at an office supply store anytime soon. Any initial reaction from you there, Borland? Anything we left off the list that you were like, man, Brooks, glaring omissions, glaring omissions. Uh, Brooks thinks you should have taken glue or rubber cement oh that's a nice one

maybe like a filing cabinet I did think about pushing one filing cabinet down yeah I thought about a filing cabinet what about a would a rolling office chair be useful at all you could have gone all chair you should have done that Brooks is also setting up booby traps with thumbtacks all over the floor.

Oh, thumbtacks is a nice twist. Oh, I actually really like thumbtacks. Like, to use them. What does that mean? They're very valuable. You can hang things on the wall or on cork boards. Thumbtacks are great. Endorsing office pride.

I just think they're very useful. Look, I'm going to kick this off. What did you learn today? I learned that apparently you learn every life skill you need in theater. I learned that I did not know that. I also think that I learned that there is 10 years missing from Jason's life story that I learned about today on the show. So, Mike, did you learn anything today?

I learned an office supply store is actually a very safe place to be. And I learned that I will be running for president of the United States of America. And you know what? Can I be honest with you? I love the platform. Everything you said made sense to me. Yeah. I'm a man of the people. See you later. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what

other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.