Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: School Bus Criminals & The Lone Survivor - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 13, 2022

Spit Hit for January 13th, 2022: The time has come for us to improve more lives with some of the best life advice money can buy. We help out with some listener conundrums such as neighbors who expect favors, parental guitar lessons, and proper bidet usage. We also discuss some of the terrible things that take place on a school bus. We close out the show with an awesome apocalyptic draft that you don’t want to miss. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

On today's Spit Hit, we improve those lives just a little bit more with some of that life advice, like neighbors who are expecting favors, and of course, proper bidet use. We talk about some terrible things that may or may not have taken place on a school bus, as well as an awesome apocalyptic draft. Make sure you subscribe, and make sure you tell some friends, and enjoy the show. Spitwads, I am always excited to talk about this sponsor because I had their product before they were even a sponsor on this show, and that is Peloton. The Peloton bike and bike plus the ringing in the new year with so much new.

New classes, new music, new ways to keep your workouts fun and motivating. If you've listened to this pod for any length of time, you've heard me talk about Peloton. I love it. I was very nervous at first to get the Peloton. Will I really use this? Is this the tool that can help me get to my fitness goals? And the answer is a resounding yes. I love it. I love challenging my friends who have Pelotons. We get in competitions all the time. Like, hey, can you ride 10 straight days? Well, I need a little bit of motivation because I'm going to do it as well. They have all different kinds of instructors to find and match with your perfect personality.

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Offer expires 1-31-22. Terms apply. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. It's a good ding-dong ending dong ending baby if we don't end with a ding dong it's not a real scat that's right i've seen the feedback to the andy scats yeah you

you're siphoning you're siphoning my endings i unlocked the secret sauce let's see it's really just a ding dong man well i say but i i didn't go buh ding dong i went no llama dama ding dong no you it was a i inspired it but yeah i took it and i improved upon it tbd on the improvement but we'll take it it was a good scat i i'm not complaining we are uh just as a impartial third party is the only one here. I would say improved. Oh, thank you so much. The best part about that was...

Sorry, Andy. It's just the truth. To peel back the curtain, we were trying to start recording probably, what, like 15 minutes ago or so? That's an exaggeration. That's an exaggeration. But then Andy had a call and it was it was fine and uh we we finally hit record and we're going i think i realized about uh two bars before the scat that i was up so that was just that was off the top of the dome. It was not, it was not bad. And we're, you know, we're doing well as a show scat wise.

I think we hit more than we miss. I mean, not every show has a scat. Not many shows take the chance on having a scat. And we do. It's risky business. No, no risk it. No biscuit. That's what they say.

And there's nothing Jason likes more than the scat. It's my favorite part of the Spitballers podcast, of being one of the three hosts here, is having to do this. Yes. Well, when Andy says we hit more than we missed, that's because two of you can do it. That's right.

And then one third is me. Yeah, we're 100 plus scats in. And Mike, I think we just admit that Jason's kind of... He's drinking water from a stein, by the way. That is a massive stein of water. Mr. Improv. Or vodka. Who knows?

Mr. Improv. Mr. Groundlings. I know. Can't handle a simple two-bar scat intro. Look, they're not all winners. I've had some gems. I've crushed it a few times. I think you're – has he crushed?

Or has he hit like a six out of ten once? Like I said, crushing it. He's cleared the Mendoza line. We're all right. Okay. Well, we have a great show for you today. We'll share a review with you from one of our fine spitballers fans, a would-you-rather, some life advice, a great draft.

If you're watching on YouTube.com slash spitballers, my background right now is a little bit of a hint for what's coming in the draft. I am amidst a – I'm in a desolate landscape. You look like you're – As is mine. We're drafting favorite things from Arizonarizona going from andy's background oh you know arizona would be more rocky than this mike and there'd be cactuses and scorpions everywhere so this is a much nicer arid landscape but uh let's go ahead and jump

right into that review review asaurus rags this one comes in from frank you very much he says five stars unfiltered hilarious factual opinions i've loved this podcast since i stumbled upon it i actually went back and listened to every episode oh i'm sorry frank i never reviewed it because i wanted the review to be perfectly witty and charming but then i realized what makes this podcast so great is its unfilteredness this podcast has made many mondays better and now that i'm an official spit wad fridays as well i love taking the questions from the show and spitballing with my friends and family. 10 out of 5 stars. You've done the impossible. I didn't think you could do it.

But Frank, you very much. Thank you very much. That means he reviewed it, and then he also stole a phone and reviewed it on that phone. And that would be 10 out of 5. As we recommend. As we recommend. Thank you. Thank you very much for that review.

It is our goal to make your mondays better and then you know now we have enough episodes out there that we can make your tuesdays and your wednesdays and your thursdays better for a while till you catch all the way up and then it's just crescendoing on mike scat oh well then we have peaked clearly but did you guys ever have someone in your life growing up i i don't know it was a weird flashback you gave me but uh did you ever have someone who said the word day differently i have no idea like specifically i had a my band teacher but this is an instructor at my place of education he pronounced it d so it was on thursday we do this on friday and it was like

what did you have him arrested yeah i don't think later much later but it was so you okay this is just me that i've had this experience with yeah because there's only one teacher yeah there aren't a lot of psychopaths out there so you're you're the only one that's experienced i don't feel comfortable making light of this because i feel like there's a there's something real going on here this is some kind of you know mental shortcoming of that we make your monday better eventually monday better eventually he drove off in a windowless van and it was just oh yeah that makes sense that makes welcome to uh making your mondays better oh gross all right that sounds too much like undies making your undies yeah making your undies better yeah that

none of this works let's move on would you rather all, this one comes in from Mac. Mac is a Patreon supporter. Oh, thank you, Mac. Would you rather be able to see through physical things, so walls, doors, etc., or be able to see through figurative things like scams, lies, false promises, and some fine print. This shouldn't be on Would You Rather. This should be a That's a Great Question. It is.

This, Mac, is a great question. It's both. Could you, I've always wondered, if you can see through walls and doors and stuff like that, does that mean you accidentally walk into them? Because you don't see them at all. No, no, you see the outlet you see the wireframe do you that's the rules of wall hacking you can control this okay you can control it you can turn it on and off exactly turn it on and off turn the distance further close whatever

you need this is this is your ability this is your life but what good does what good does it give you look to see it's excellent for uh video games when you have to shoot people that's like that's about the extent of wall hacking that i know of uh paintball games when you have to shoot oh there you go okay real life application if you're a swat team member and you gotta shoot people you know there's so many applications it's good to it's easier to shoot people if you can see them coming from behind a wall is what you're saying yeah you want the wall for protection much easier yeah but the other one it seems like especially in our uh difficult to discern political landscape uh all of the consumer fraud that happens all of the things that take place it

might be nice to just know truth from a lie at a quick glance everything's a lie you're just going to become a pessimist you're going to see through everything all these false promises you're not going to be a pessimist because you're oh because you'll just know it's true and you'll realize the world sucks exactly you're going to see through i mean it'll protect you from a couple of big events but all the little things you'd see through every single lie someone says oh yeah i can't wait to come to your birthday it'd be nice when you're a jerk because that ain't true jason looking slim yeah that's all right i saw right through it mike this is not a an ability that i am coveting right now now now do you just know intuitively or like do you actually hear the person saying the truth and they think they're telling the lie because that's a lot more fascinating

to me like a telemarketer calls you with this great offer, but then you would actually hear them speak the truth. I think that that could be fun. Oh, so they just call you up and they say, listen, sir, I'm glad I caught you this afternoon. I would like your money. Your money would make me happy right now. It is part of my job. My product is absolute trash, but my commission is gigantic. Now, I have to continue talking and not let you get a word in,

because otherwise you're going to hang the phone up on me, and I will not let that happen. That would be more entertaining, but I would presume that you just know when someone's telling you something. You see the truth. I'm willing to come down on this truck's price over $15,000, but I'm trying to get 35 out of you. That would be nice. I feel like you wouldn't get heartened.

You wouldn't get all pessimistic if you heard just people telling the truth like that all the time, Jay. If I got to hear them, i would just hate everybody though i mean it would be like man that was a real jerk thing to say because they'd be saying the truth maybe you'd rather be maybe this is in a lying you just believe the lie ignorance is bliss that's a phrase for a reason right i think if we knew the hearts of mankind we'd be sadder and maybe that's my pessimistic view of the world already i'm already pessimistic but i also think if i were a burglar how cool it would be to see which safe has the goods so you're gonna go physical things for you're gonna steal things these days well yeah and usually there's two or three next to each other big right now and you're not sure which to crack but you don't keep your money in a big old safe with a big old one of

those turn handles i do keep my cash at home in a safe that is true really when your address your address again code i'm tempted to say it no just give us your address and the code Yeah that's all we need And your social Yeah the address He almost did it Well I thought about giving out one of your addresses But I'm a good friend Well it's a podcast we're recording this

We can really edit it I mean that's the truth Okay so I will go figurative I'd rather just be able to have the upper hand on all these liars yeah it seems also do you even know your code yes I do know my code thankfully it's it's a one two three it is it is very simple there's only four buttons it's a little tiny like hand gun triangle heart circle square so it's just, it's like a handprint. It's emojis.

There's like four finger cutouts. You've never seen one of the safes like that? I don't have a safe, Jason, because I don't live in the Wild West. I have that exact same safe. Of course you do. Well, yeah, the gunman has the gun safe, I'm sure. How many safes do you own, Al? Oh, my gosh. that's a good question.

He's got safes for his safes. I knew it had to be more than one. How far underground are they? They're both above ground. Okay. Incredible. Oh, that's boring. I am going to start a social media account,

and I've seen some of these. They are extremely successful. Just an account? That is focused on scaring people, just waiting around a corner and just, boo, scare. I'm going to see them. I know when they're coming. I can time up every scare perfect.

I'm taking the physical walls. I'm going to have a blast with this. I'm going to entertain the masses, and I will stay positive about people lying to me. Mike and I will start one of those news channel on your side things, and we'll be able to see through all the frauds. So I get both. I listen to your news source.

There you go. Dang it. And I scare the crap out of you. This is great. Derek from Patreon. Would you rather lose all the money you have earned in the past year or lose all of the memories you have gained in the last year? Derek, it's the wrong time to ask that question.

I was going to say. I was going to say. So I can wipe out 2020? well derrick it's the wrong time to ask that question i was gonna say i was gonna say so i can wipe that i can wipe out 2020 yeah sweet it's gone kapoof but you know what i still got the money is a pretty sweet deal and i'm gonna wake up and go wow where'd this money come from? Now imagine the alternative. Imagine that you've got all your money's gone, but you still had to go through all the crap. Oh, you mean like most people right now? Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

For all of us, if we could just smoke bomb 2020, I think most people would. Okay, well, here. Versus smoke bombing our cash. Okay, hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Five years. Five years. Five years of money or five years of memory? I'll take the memories.

Keep the memories. If I've had no money for five years, we're... I'm not smoke bombing. I mean, if I've had no money for the last five years, we're homeless. So the memories are terrible. It's a strong point. Right? I mean, the memories are us scrounging for food in the

dumpster oh what great memory can i wipe both well i imagine you're just yeah i guess i guess so wait this is weird because it's like a time travel thing then am i looking at my last five years in actuality or am i replacing those last five years with homeless memories because there's a big difference no there's no memories there's no memories you're just you're waking up with a gigantic beard and you don't know how you got there yeah but that's if you take the money and he's saying if you take the memories if you take the money does that change those like there's no way i'd trade my actual five years of memories confused with my kids i didn't go to dis Disneyland when I had no money, so that's no longer a memory. Al, can you help us here?

I don't think anyone can. Yeah, I don't think it's a tough one. It says you lose all the memories you've gained in the last year. So that would be the normal ones you have with money. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and I'll be the guy taking the money. If you made $100,000 last year, you now have a $100,000 deficit. Oh, okay. So you just take on the debt. I'd say we ask the next question.

Yeah. That's a great question. Jesse from Patreon. Assuming the salaries are equal, would you rather be a garbage truck driver or a school bus driver? Oh, this is not. What? This is a layup. This is a layup driver or a school bus driver? Oh, this is not. What? This is a layup.

This is a layup. This is difficult for people? This is dunking on a five-foot hoop. Garbage truck. I'm almost six feet tall. Give me a five-foot hoop. I will lay that ball right in that garbage truck because I ain't dealing with them monsters. There is no reason.

No reason. Did you guys ride the bus for any length of your... That was it? That was the only time you rode the bus? Yeah, that was it for me, too. So there was... When I was in high school, there was like a week where we had moved and we hadn't figured... So I rode the bus a couple of times, and it was the weirdest experience I had ever had

in my life to that point. And that's as a kid. I can't imagine the drive. I can fix this question my life to that point. And that's as a kid. I can't imagine the drag. I can fix this question. I can fix it. Instead of driving a bus or driving a garbage truck, you're the one throwing the trash in the back of the truck. You're the guy standing there house to house,

picking up the trash can, dumping the trash in the truck, putting the trash can back and moving on. That sounds like a great life. That's better than the kids. Look, I i as one who rode a bus for multiple years both my junior high and my high school were interesting were multiple miles away and i saw like i was i thankfully i was not the i wasn't the troublemaker uh growing up in my youth but there was a few of them on the bus and those children

in the back of the bus committed horrific acts now horrifically bad crimes here's the thing though i i witnessed a few crimes in in my day as one who was growing up scaring all the parents with kids on buses right as they should be If they rode a bus, they know what I'm talking about. Yes, congratulations for the wisdom here. You're seeing through the lies. Your news station is already at work. But my thinking is,

what if bus drivers were paid $250,000? What different bus drivers you would get? Because right now, school bus drivers... Oh, I'm sure they're underpaid. They have to be. I'm just saying, like, you know, there's a stereotype.

I'm sure there's some wonderful school bus drivers. But I'm very confident there's some school bus drivers that don't care. You know, I mean, I wouldn't care. But what if... See, I feel like if I take the school bus driver, I'm going to come in there like, you know i mean i wouldn't care if i but what if i see i feel like if i take the school bus driver i'm gonna come in there like you know the the the teacher that's that's taking the the hard job and gonna rally those kids together i'm gonna make this school because you're being

paid 250 000 no i'm just saying it's like any job out there. I'm saying the underpaid, like teachers, right? If you want to get better teachers or have more people want to go into teaching, people say that. Take your shot at what a school bus driver makes here in Arizona, because I got the number for you. $35,000. $34,116. Boom! Here's what I will say about you, Jason, thinking you can turn around what is happening inside of a bus.

Number one, remember how long they are and that there are kids sitting in the back of the bus. Okay. Okay. I'll just throw this one instance out of things that I witnessed as growing up yeah I saw some earmuffs earmuffs kids well no they'll hear this and go no this is horrifying I saw someone as we drove past a crossing guard for a different school for the

elementary school chuck scissors out the window at this crossing guard these are the people that you're dealing with on your school bus jason you're gonna turn this around did you go to school at a prison no was this the problem did you know i mean i didn't have kids at my school that would throw scissors because you weren't on the bus right riker island high school i remember that yeah you weren't on the bus, man. Riker Island High School. I remember that, yeah. You weren't on the bus. Terrible things happened back then. We need more people.

We need more grown-ups on the bus. This is what we need. Oh, you need a bus driver and then a back of the bus like a butler? I don't know what you'd call him. Butler. There's not a butler. I would like to hire you

for a back of the bus butler role. But how does that sound? It pays $11 per year. Do you remember to like some grapes? I would like to hire you for a back of the bus butler role. But how does that sound? It pays $11 per year. Do you like some grapes? The alliteration is great. The back of the bus butler? The back of the bus guy's got to be like the airplane air marshal. Yes, it's like the air.

They're packing heat and they're just sitting in, but they're wearing the little spinny caps and acting like the kid. I'll tell you what, Mike, he's got a full beard. He's got a full beard, but he's back there going, hey, kids. My bus needed that thing because there were some kids that I did not want to be riding the bus with. Because you get lumped in with that, and then the bus driver, now everyone on the bus is that kid. And you look like the kind of guy now that would throw scissors, Mike. No offense.

You certainly do. I mean, maybe like safety scissors. For fun. Look, if we're changing it to where I have to be the one loading and basically digging through this garbage, smelling like garbage, I am going to be the school bus driver. And I am going to turn that bus into children of gold no you're gonna make that you're gonna make the inspirational lifetime movie you're making the movie where you're the yeah michelle fiverr i am gonna be dead poet society no it wasn't dead poets that was uh something minds yeah dangerous yeah i'll be Coolio.

The kids would love me. Kids always love me. Those are the words from a person who has never been on a bus with junior high kids. All right. This question comes in from Mush. Mush? Mush from the website. Mush. Would you rather see everything upside down or hear everything in reverse?

Holy moly. So, like, you're you're a i have questions you're a bat so you are visually are your eye it's like your eyeballs are upside down yes it's like your eyeballs are upside down i feel like you would just adjust to that wouldn't you eventually you would yeah wouldn't you adjust to hearing in reverse though no you would never learn language if you heard everything in reverse wouldn't you learn it that's a that's a great point if if that happened from the very very beginning because then that would just be your language no because your sound is determinative of everything you do and say i mean you you wouldn't you wouldn't speak out you know you wouldn't be able to talk right if everything that you're hearing is in reverse. And so nobody would understand you.

That's what I believe. That part is true, but you would understand everybody else. Right, but if I fully adjust to being upside down, maybe there's even benefits there, seeing the world from a different perspective. You're not buying it. Let's flip this upside down. I don't even know how that works. You sound like a wacky school bus driver. Hey, kids.

Hey, kids. We flipped it upside down. You ever seen this point of view? I got some Lionel Richie playing, dancing on the ceiling over here. I can't really comprehend seeing the world upside down. Isn't there something where when you look through some kind of water or... Mike, you love science. Keep going.

Isn't there something where when you look through a cup, it flips everything upside down? I don't know about upside down, but I mean, the light gets diffracted, so the light bends and makes things appear different. Jason is actively Googling, how do I see things upside down? I'm sure there's a prism or something you can look at that would flip everything upside down. All I have found is how you can flip a cup of full water upside down

this is not helpful no don't don't worry i looked up i tried to look google how to say idiot backwards so i can insult you but i uh i failed there too so uh any other thoughts on this one i'll take the uh i'll take the upside down sure sure. Yeah, I'm dancing on the ceiling. SpentWads kickoff 2022 with a better checking account with no monthly fees. Chime, an award-winning app and debit card, has no overdraft fees, foreign transaction fees, monthly fees, or service fees, and with over 60,000 fee-free in-network ATMs at many locations, like Walgreens, 7-Eleven, CVS, you can access your money when you need it, where you need it. Make your first good decision of the new year and join over 10 million people using Chime.

Sign-up takes only two minutes. It doesn't affect your credit score, and you can get started at Chime.com slash Ballers. That's Chime.com slash ballers. That's chime.com slash ballers. You can send money to anyone, even if they aren't on time, fee-free for you and no cash-out fees for them. Banking services provided by a debit card issued by the Bancorp Bank or Stripe Bank and a member's FDIC get fee-free transactions at any MoneyPass ATM in a 7-Eleven location

and at any AllPoint or Visa Plus Alliance ATM. Otherwise, out-of-network ATM withdrawal fees may apply. Sometimes pay anyone instant transfers can be delayed. The recipient must use a valid debit card or be a CHIME member to claim funds. Spidmallers to the rescue. All right, we haven't done a life advice segment in a while, and we have so much to bestow, especially with the experiences that we have,

like Mike's years on the bus. We can give advice. We can change lives. I could start a whole podcast, things Mike has seen on a bus in junior high. Crimes I've witnessed. Tales of a bus ride. It's just like Frank, you very much said.

These are factual opinions that are going to help people. Victoria from Twitter has a life advice question for us. Hey, Ballers. Hey. What is the best way to handle a neighbor who keeps asking me to feed their cats while they are on vacation? We are not close, and they have a very specific complex schedule in which they want their stupid cats fed. I helped a few times in an attempt to be a good neighbor,

but now it has become expected help. That sucks. Now, obviously, the answer here, Victoria, would have been to never help at all. Now you are trained in the complex methods and one of the only trained people. But what does she do? You know what you aren't?

You aren't super allergic to cats already. You know what I mean? Like that's a card you play. So much. That's a card you play in the beginning. I, you know, I just can't. I'm really allergic to cats if I'm dealing with, you know, so I would love to. Sorry.

If you let one of the cats pass. That's a good idea. You won't be asked again. The initial reaction inside of me, that was as... I saw the depths, and I went there. You're never being asked back. And I was trying to formulate,

okay, what's a plan that you can help flip the script without inadvertently does she have a real way out of this yes yeah okay so here was my plan i don't i don't i haven't fleshed it all out yet because i just heard this question but you have to come up with something equally as complex if not far more and now this and now this neighbor has to help you out yeah like what could what could they possibly ask the neighbor you have to do this like oh i have oh man like i have a package that is going to show up between 6 a.m and midnight and i cannot miss it. I'm going to be gone, but this is a really important situation. I need

you watching my front door from 6 a.m. to midnight and then once you get the package, you need to go into my backyard and then there's going to be this labyrinth that they have to go through. I mean, you have to make an unbelievably complex situation. Mike, you're making a lot of work for yourself.

Oh, but it will be. But here's the thing like a lot of work, Mike. You're making a lot of work for yourself. Oh, but it will be. But here's the thing. A lot of work right now, and then no more feeding the fat cats later. Yeah. I mean, and whatever you order that shows up, if you do. You know what I'm saying? Like, they keep an eye out all day, and nothing ever shows up. But I would make it. And then you.

No, nothing shows up. And then you ask them. And you say, no, they told me it was delivered. They said my neighbor accepted the package. But here's the thing. But if that happens, you're paying them back. But that's not going to get you out of the cat situation. No. What gets you out of the cat situation?

You're Scott clean, man. You tell them that they told me the package showed up and you're telling me it never did and then the next time they ask you hey can you feed my cats like yeah where's my package so you're just saying hate your neighbor have a big yeah that's what i heard look this is a very simple solution jason oh you a non-confrontational solution that you can take because i know you don't like confront confrontation i hate it plan 100 of your family's vacations around their vacations this is what no you're you're 100 right this was my genuine advice and listen i have done this move before no you have not real life you've booked a vacation to get out of a responsibility absolutely because when certain when certain people come asking certain things that you have to say yes to, guess what comes up the next day on the sketch?

Something I can't get out of. And it's not a lie. I'm going and I'm booking. Oh, my gosh. I'm going to be in Miami on the beach. I forgot about our family vacay. It's always going to happen. I forgot.

I mean, I'm just saying the andy's 100 right here as this is this is good news this is absolutely good news victoria when you're when your friends or neighbors go on their vacation you get a vacation every time yeah this is congratulations and then you you either that or move i mean obviously you could just move just move away or accept the responsibility don't do jack just they'll they'll live that's called killing cats i mean i i don't believe they'll die they'll find something to eat i mean it's not like a maternal it's not like a two yeah they got a lot of lives from my understanding and and they'll be fine but we have to do it nine times to really get rid of that that's a lot of when the neighbor returns they think you did the job.

The cats are hungry, and so they'll ask you again. Oh, absolutely. It was so easy last time. Done. Or check this out, Victoria. No. That is one other option. Sorry.

Well, Brooks brought up the fact that this is like... Mike's answer was like when you try to get somebody to break up with you instead of just breaking it off yourself. So breaking up with people is hard. It is difficult. It's difficult when you do something nice and then people take advantage of you after the fact. Like you've learned this cat schedule, you help them out, but now you're their go-to and and that's the problem. All right, Isaac from Patreon. I need some life advice. Well, you've come to the right place, Isaac. Yes.

I'm 16 and a guitar player like my dad. When I asked him to listen to a song I'm working on, learning, or working on and learning, so he can help me, he just takes the guitar from me, plays the entire song, and doesn't actually help me. I'm just left there sitting, listening to my dad play my guitar. How can I tell him what he's doing isn't actually helping me? Well, Isaac, I can relate. I can relate to this because I take the controller and beat the level when my kids have a problem with a video game. It's called Dad's Rights. And it's a problem with a video game it's called dad's right and it's a problem because teaching takes patience and i'm a bad dad you know what you do isaac you grow up you have a kid you do the same to your child this is this is just isaac's dad he's

establishing dominance yeah he's doing what he's gotta do have you ever seen this one hey isaac remember when i'm good at guitar and you're not look what you can do someday if you practice here get better yeah i mean tough i think he's helping you he's helping you he's letting you know what you could possibly be because some sometimes when you hear something you think no this is this is an impossibility no one's actually this good at the guitar and your father is just showing you yeah he's helping you until he closes his eyes once he closes his eyes playing the song he is no longer helping you he's just in his own place he's having a that's the moment you go from teaching your child to forgetting about them now my hope and i i don't

know the details here isaac my hope is that when he when he's helping you and he takes the guitar this is several hours that before you get that guitar back he is just he's just going to isaac has left the room he went yeah and he's still in there isaac's bringing him dinner uh in the bedroom you know that's yeah i mean i mean, Isaac, this is dad's rights. And it's how dads teach their children best. By dunking on them. You're darn right. I mean, my kid can't get a shot off on me.

I'm blocking him every time. I believe that. Oh, it's 100% true. Actually, my children have invented this game. Actually, my children have invented this game, I mean, mind-blowing creativity, where I block every shot that they shoot. It's the blocking game.

They ask me to come out and block to where their goal is to try to get a shot off, and it ain't ever happening. Do your kids think that's what the game of basketball is? I think... Do they know that there's a the game of basketball is? I think... Do they know that there's a hoop to throw the ball into? No, they do. They've seen some real basketball before, so they know now how good I am

because they're still trying to do the real thing in and up with bloody noses because that ball's coming right back in their face. Isaac's dad does, when he's trying to learn basketball from him, is he pulls out the guitar and plays a sweet solo now okay so do you guys with your kids and like all all joking aside actual life advice question here when you are competing against your kids like you're playing a video game you're playing a board game this isn't just basketball where you it's you're

physically dominant over them because you're three feet taller than them like this it's a game of video game skill or board game skill do you go hard to paint do you play to win or do you play to accommodate that your children are learning the game you don't want them to get real upset if they lose how how do you guys handle those situations i play 101 percent meaning i above above them so i'm i'm playing you know which is like for me it's like down to two percent uh okay no so you throttle it or you hit the brakes a little bit i absolutely throttle it but here's the deal if if the game starts getting close if they take a lead i'll go up to 200 established dominance and then i'm back to like

it's just i just want to be slightly better than them forever okay so you want to be slightly all right andy how do you do it yeah i throttle it i throttle it i like to keep it close but if the game here's the problem here's the two situations where I'm not throttling. One, now to be clear, throttling means I hold back. Yes, that's what I mean. You're pulling the throttle back. Yeah, not like, I guess you could say throttling them like whooping their butt. Sure.

If they talk trash, they will endure a period of months of me defeating them oh yeah i mean your andy your son your son talked trash to me and he said i could beat you in a race swimming and i'm like not happening yeah i did not go i went a hundred on that and i was waiting for him to show up at that finish line for a while man he deserved it he doesn't talk trash that's what you get it was like Mike gotta back it up your story about your son saying he could beat you in a race yeah uh that yes the infamous race where at about halfway through I started running backwards to feel good eat it did he cry after that race no No. Close? Maybe a little bit.

Maybe a little bit. He was not happy. Because the reason I'm asking this is because I've never pulled the punch ever. Not at all? Never. I have never pulled it. So if you played a board game that they're just learning, they're a young kid, they don't understand the strategy, you whoop them in the booty.

I teach them how to play, and I am better than them. Interesting. They don't understand the strategy. I teach them how to play, and I am better than them. And I told them, I said, you know this. If you ever beat dad, you have beaten dad. Because I have never pulled a punch against my children at any game whatsoever. So your kids have never won anything. I've been beaten and mad a few times. Oh, impressive. All right.

Kara from the website, I need life advice for my husband who is too afraid to ask. Okay. He purchased a bidet. Yes. Oh, good for you. In the wake of the TP panic of 2020, the bidet has been a wonderful addition to our household. And I can now relate to everything Jason has said about bidets. You're welcome.

The problem is my husband is having a difficult time getting a clean finish when he uses the bidet he googled he googled bidet isn't cleaning my butt but found no answers so i have to turn to you how does he improve the technique any help for his sticky situation is appreciated. This is a real humdinger. And usually what you would say is, well, then you got a defective bidet. But Kara here ain't having no problems. She's relating to everything I'm saying about bidets. It's great. A bidet ain't the problem.

It's called the diet. It's what's going in, my man. Garbage in, garbage out. That's what's going in my man that is hardly garbage out that's what they say it's hard to wash tar off the pavement if you know what i'm saying and i think you do i just i'm so confused because is this not does this not happen to either of you no you're always a squeaky clean let me let me ask you this andy have you ever gone to a sink to wash your hands and you turn it on and you're washing your hands and you're like man this is really difficult i'm having trouble using this water to wash my hands off no i haven't had that issue yeah i don't understand what's happening in fairness he hasn't washed poop off his hands no i haven't had that issue. Yeah, I don't understand what's happening with him. In fairness, he hasn't washed poop off his hands.

No, I haven't washed tar off my hands. Also, there's a visibility difference between the cleanliness down below and the cleanliness with my hands in a sink. I'm flying blind downstairs. You are flying blind, but let me tell you, when you're hitting the bullseye, you know. Oh, gosh. it's pretty it's pretty clear when there's you know when there's a direct shot you know that there's a bit of a uh

you know you can have different distribution issues down there depending on how things have gone before but day life before but day life you ever you ever do a wipe and be like oh oh what's over there on that side before the day life yeah before bidet life there can be some i could use a roll i could use a roll every time i mean it just it just it's never ending the bidet has has cleared that up i would say that maybe the water pressure isn't high enough you know the took this is a little is a little like oh that's that's too much no it's not never is turn crank it up put it to 11 just i cannot get i cannot adopt the bidet life it is it's i've lost too much i've lost too much control and it's it's a little bit uh you know so you you went frankly it's a little too wet for me.

Well, you still dab. What is this dabbing? I mean. The toilet paper. Yeah, you take some toilet paper. How do you move from a wipe to a dab and have confidence? That's what I'm Googling. Okay, here's the deal.

You take a little bit of toilet paper at the end. Once you're done, once the drying is finished, even though it's never dry. And then you give the one wipe, and it wipes the water away, and it's not dirty. It's fantastic. Not for Kara's husband. No, I remember in the very beginning. Google bidet isn't cleaning my butt. I remember in the very beginning, wasn't always clean.

I think you just got to push through. Power through? You got to power through. Turn turn turn that pressure turn that humdinger turn that hum dingleberry into a clean area you know like like filter get a nice shot in there goodness all right we're moving on most people think that finding the right talent is harder than beating Owlet Liar Liar, but with Indeed, it's as easy as me winning at a food draft. If you are hiring, you need Indeed because Indeed is the hiring partner where you can attract, interview, and hire all in one place. It's the only job site where you are guaranteed to find quality applications that meet your must-have requirements or else you don't pay. So instead of spending hours on multiple job sites hoping to find candidates, Indeed is going to be with you every step of the way through the hiring process. They have time-saving tools with instant

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slash ballers terms and conditions apply need to hire you need indeed the spitballers draft all right this draft is called the lone survivor because we are drafting things that you would do for fun if you woke up and you were the last person left on earth i forgot all about this draft this will be i'm gonna be searching so again you're not just trying to you're not trying to make it the longest amount of time or play survival game you are trying to have the most fun possible as the last person on earth which is an interesting question it's a difficult difficult question, I think. But Mike has the first pick. It certainly is. And I'm really thrilled that I have the first pick in such an ambiguous draft. Lucky. I don't know that people are going to be stealing

each other's picks here. This is all. Well, theoretically. I mean, I think I have a few on my list that may get sniped from me. But number one here. So as I have become an adult, I have learned to love to learn about things.

And if I am the last person on the earth, that means I can learn real secrets about what is going on. And there is a place in Nevada that people are not allowed to go, but no one will be there to stop me. So I will be visiting Area 51. I will be going inside. I will be seeing what the secrets are all about.

Probably getting disappointed. I was going to say, when you show up and it's just like military weapons. They've been storing oil all these years. I'm going to make a prediction. Toothpaste? What's this doing in here? My prediction is that you will never find it. No, people know where it is.

Sure. Sure. People know where it is. But I mean, the infrastructure of the world. GPS isn't working. Internet's not working. There's no sign saying Area 51 that way. You know, I could find the White House if I had to.

I'm pretty sure I could find had to i'm pretty sure i could find it i'm pretty man well i mean apparently you found it right you would not have us to brag to about finding it no no but we would be gone at this point if you're the last person on earth you just want the satisfactory you want to know what's going on in there all right all right so you're going to area 51 that would be fun for you if you were the last person on Earth. Jason, you are on the clock. Look, I know that if I was the last person on Earth, this would be the most fun. This is why I got this background here.

I am moving in to a solar-operated beach mansion. I'm finding it. to a solar-operated beach mansion. I'm finding it. I'm going to go up and down the coast until there's a monstrous beach house that's powered by solar power, and I'm moving in, and I'm living my best life right on the water.

That's what I'm doing for fun. That's fun number one. I wonder something. If you just woke up, let's just say everybody on Earth disappeared right this moment except for you how long until power actually goes out that's a very interesting question it would i would imagine it would be weeks probably but i mean it's not like i'm just curious how long it would take for power to go out yeah not probably not that long a week oh man that's an interesting question does anyone work for the power company

uh when i was going through and thinking about this right before the show those type of questions kept coming to my mind about how long infrastructure and stuff jason i actually had uh a similar answer to you which was like to find a rich beach neighborhood and just live in every house i was gonna bounce from house to house very nice but yours uh yeah that makes sense to me that would be if there was a neighborhood that all had solar that'd be good but i'm look i need my air conditioning um for other reasons i'm gonna need electricity in the house other reasons than a normal person needs air conditioning reasons that i might draft my friend that i don't want to say oh all right i i don't i don't know

look for me the first thing that came to my mind and so it'll be my first pick is the uh the natural one of look everybody's gone i can take any car i want i can drive as fast as i want oh man that's on my list so i'm going to just drive as fast as i want in the best cars and i researched this right before the show gas takes about two years to go stale not to mention i mean there's there could be some electric stuff figured out but i'm gonna get on the roads and i got no restraints so ultimate joy ride is okay number one you're going i have drag race on freeway was on my list okay so you're going so i want to know if i can draft this it's it's somewhat similar but but it's actually a totally different thing i'm not going fast i want similar but no it's not even similar well you'll see i would be driving around in a monster truck that would be

i'm driving over all these i'm crushing every car on the road i'm just okay smashing there are the problem there is that it's happened again oh no oh yeah okay now here's the real question the thing that really stinks is i don't want that pick yeah because you just drafted one like because i thought about taking a pick but no i mean i i've got the ultimate joy ride so i'm not stealing your pick i hoped you said something better. That's the honest truth. Great news. We know Jason's pick.

The second thing that I'm going to do is... Man. I'm taking off my clothes. Yeah. It's on my list. It's on my list. Pants optional. If I'm the last person, I'm just naked from here on out.

Oh, we're back in the garden. Oh, yeah. I thought about that. Do you go full- The garden of me, Din. Full the way I came into the world. It's solely a matter of the sun. There's going to be some situations where you at least want underpants.

Yeah. Oh, it's just- Yeah. I mean, I'll probably- An umbrella, maybe. maybe depends where you live but um but yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna live live free all right i'm gonna so i am uh you're on the clock here monster truck monster trucking everywhere i go i'm driving over everything roads aren't a thing i'm destroying everything okay that's pretty. That's pretty good. It's pretty good.

All right. With my first pick, I will have to find them. I mean, one Jason alluded to the White House. What came to mind is like Mount Rushmore. And it's like, I am going to go and I'm going to tag all the monuments that I can possibly find. You're tagging them? For no one else to see. It doesn't matter, find. You're tagging them? For no one else to see. It doesn't matter, man.

You're just destroying things? I am entertaining myself. You ever wanted to give George Washington a big old mustache on Mount Rushmore? You have. That would be pretty cool. And then step back and look at your handiwork and laugh? Yeah, of course. At this point, if you're the last person alive,

you're going to want to keep yourself entertained. Every statue has a mustache in this country, thanks to Mike. If I find them. Like if the aliens show up after Mike's been alone for a little while, they're like, whoa. This past race must have all had mustaches. So you got another pick.

Speaking of for what the aliens find, I am choosing to believe that the infrastructure of the internet is still available. So I am going to Wikipedia, and I am editing everything that I possibly can to make sure. Why? Because when the aliens come down and figure, like, trying to research what has happened,

look, the historical documents of the internet, it's got to live forever. It's on a microchip. And they're going to go, this Mike Wright character, he certainly was really important. So he invented everything.

Everything that's ever been was invented by Mike Wright. But somehow couldn't save society. They all died. Must have been his fault. There will be a page, Last Man on Earth. Mike Wright, definitely not reason for everyone else disappearing. I don't want the aliens to blame me.

Because Wikipedia is the authority that we have nowadays. Have you ever tried to edit a Wikipedia page? It's very difficult. Exactly. There's no admins to approve what you're doing. You're just... No, no, no, no. There's no admins to take away what I just did.

All right. Okay. Or people to read it. Here's what I think. I think if we woke up and we were in this situation, it's just us left. There's no chance that you would do that. But you can bet your butt I'm really riding around in a monster truck. You know what else I'm doing? I'm shooting bazookas everywhere.

I am going to find bazookas. Jason just wants to blow everything up. Nothing matters. None of this stuff. You know what? I think that that is a problem because my next pick was blow things up yeah well here's the problem with with both of you guys you will quickly become last man on earth to no men on earth that's probably true and that's fine most last people

on earth eventually um don't want to be let's put it it that way. This is an eventual thing. Which is why I would think about flying a plane. Exactly. There's no way. Not every man truly lives. So if you're shooting bazookas, can I draft, blow things up, or has that been drafted? I think it's been drafted.

It's been drafted. Okay, it's up to Mike. I'm already blowing stuff up. I'm going around up to Mike. I'm already blowing stuff up. I'm going around blowing everything up. I'm super disappointed. I really wanted that. I'm excited. Starting with your house.

I'm loopholing you guys right here. First thing, next thing I'm doing to have fun being the last person on Earth, I'm finding a dog. I'm finding a companion. I can really roam the world and have a much better time with a dog. Yeah. All right. I'm finding a companion. All right. Companionship. I can really roam the world and have a much better time with a companion. I'm learning cloning.

So I will find a dog. All right. I can't blow stuff up anymore. I probably don't have... One of the things I think about doing, if I'm alone, is some complex stuff, like the flying a plane, or like figuring out how to... I don't know.

Can you do a cloning thing, or can you self-replicate? But I can't figure the science out, and I'm not going to be able to teach myself. You're probably going to want to put pants back on, too. I'll probably have to put pants... The Petri dishes, you know, whatever experiments you're doing, you want to put pants back on too i probably have to put pants the petri dishes you know whatever experiments you're doing you don't want those but i'm trying to have fun right yeah so that's the point here what is the most fun so i have one pick left and uh bet you wish you could blow stuff up huh well? Well, I have two options, and I just don't know which one's more fun.

And I think I'm going to find a huge throne, and I'm going to sit on it as the king of the world. Where are you going to find a throne? Wherever. There has to be a throne somewhere. I can get over. One of the questions I have. Give me a few places where you're going to look for the throne. I don't need it to be real

mike i can get the game of thrones thrown out of uh hollywood or something or right i have wondered could i get myself to like overseas could i do that sure if you're alone maybe could you pull that off probably not you went from sure to maybe to probably and honestly i was with mike every step of that journey because i was like yeah you can go wherever you want well how would you go you'd have to no you're dead yes that's a hundred percent you're not making it no because the only way that you could land land dock that boat is crashing it's just crashing into the if you go if you go up through alaska and then like because we learned oh you're saying do that two mile alaska's very very close to russia so then you could get on the over to the the asian continent and you could you could get

around yeah could i survive a trip up through alaska no that's I mean, I stand with no. I will be eaten by so many bears. So many bears. And there's no humans to stop the bears anymore. You'll just see, the second I cross the Alaskan border, you'll see this naked man and his dog running from giant bears. I would be doomed.

So, I'm going to become a king. Oh, I didn't think about animals. Yeah, you are dead. Yeah, the animals will rule the world at that point that's where the dog will come in handy in some capacity so i am on better have a few so jason you're up mike has uh he wants to recon area 51 he wants to tag some national monuments he wants to take over wikipedia jason wants to steal a solar beach mansion a monster truck joyride shoot some bazookas and i have sounds awesome i have an ultimate joyride in whatever vehicle i want as fast as i want i'm gonna get naked and then find

a dog i want to find a dog companion and sit on a throne and become king the naked king yeah i would not just throw this out there because of your attire be careful with the and sit on a throne and become king, the naked king. Oh, the naked king. Just throwing this out there because of your attire, I would not choose the Game of Thrones throne. Be careful. It's going to be hot. I'll put pants on when I rule. Maybe some chain mail.

All right, I am on the last pick, and I'm wondering, I got two ways I can go here. You know, I feel like in truth if i'm gonna have fun i feel like i need to raid some archives there have to be somewhere some governmental or or or business nothing more fun than archives archives of collecting the the largest dvd collection on the planet i'm going to take every dvd that has ever i mean look sometimes i need to be entertained there's no new things being made he says yeah well i'm not living in a world where internet still exists there's it but there's a whole there's blu-ray you went back multiple generations are you collecting all the cassettes

too no that's what i that's what i call i call blue blu-rays dvds no you don't you call dvds dvds you're telling me hold on real quick real quick you guys have blu-ray players and let's say you bought a a blu-ray you literally would say to your wife oh get the blu-ray of yes no you don't i've never called something a different name because you have never a different thing no way i we i've only referred to blu-rays as dvds in my blu-rays unbelievable well you know what enjoy what is what resolution is a dvd is that 728 yeah and he's watching it on a giant screen in his beach mansion, so it's all pixelated. You're watching as many pixelated movies as you can, and he knows it.

I can see it on his face. I knew I should have gone peeing off the Empire State Building. Dang it. That was possible for me. Yeah. But I went with tagging the monuments instead. All right. Well, hey, look.

I'm still going to be entertained. It's the best entertainment that's out there you have a big dvd collection you could do that now and you're not even the last person on earth for a few but i don't need to do it now right now i can i can watch streaming shows and have new content coming out when when i'm the last person on earth there's never gonna be a new show ever again i would say there's no internet, so I can't stream anything. And when I collect like 500,000 old school DVDs, it's going to be awesome. Now, maybe you guys have heard this Al Borland.

I guess I will direct it to you. Like the Library of Congress. I've heard that they have like collections of basically everything that's ever been created my way off there have you heard about this at all I have heard the same thing I can't verify it but I've heard it that's what I assume I will be reading so there you go there's your entire collection enjoy your

enjoy your tube tv you know what the truth is they're probably still stuck at DVD they haven't gone over to Blu-ray yet. And that's why I chose DVD. All right. Mike, you get to close this out. So what's funny, on my list, I have moved to the White House. But that's basically just very similar to what Jason was.

He wants to move somewhere. I'm going to need a real passion project to keep my mind occupied so I don't slip into the void the vortex that is I am the last person on earth and my favorite movie ever made is Die Hard

so I am going to create a shot for shot remake of Die Hard using Legos using Legos. Using Legos and stop animation. So I will create this masterpiece. Yes, it's only for me. I don't care.

That's what art is all about. I'm making it for myself. And I know that this thing is going to take me a really, really long time to make. The longer the better, right? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Just so I can unravel this. You're saying you're going to do this because

you need to entertain your brain so you're trying to pick something that you would enjoy doing so you don't go insane and what you've chosen is a shot for shot lego animation of star wars that will drive you die hard yes that is you could have given me 150 million guesses and i never would have chosen that one this is really i didn't think dvds and legos lego animations we're gonna close the draft out i'll be honest with you oh i'll build a house out of legos that'd be fun yeah i had some other ideas i had some other ideas and uh we've closed it out but uh uh one was fly a plane, but that wouldn't end. I mean, that's how I would end it. That's how I would end it all. Yeah.

Along with my idea of taming lions and riding them. I don't think that would go well either. You would need a baby lion. Poop wherever I want. Oh, dude. I mean, you can poop wherever you want. That's fun. Yeah, that's true.

Oh, that is great. That's great. You poop everywhere. My Jason's got an idea here. I did have an idea you could absolutely fly a plane you could 100 you don't need that you just parachute every time you take a parachute fly it wherever you want assumes you could take off no i think i know that's what i think i think we could take off i really do i mean we're gonna

train a little bit. We're going to find a simulator. We're going to train, but we don't have to train the landing. Well, it's not we. It's you. I'm saying, you know, like, this is what I would do. This is what you do. This is what we could do.

Where are you going to train the parachuting? Boeing. Oh, wait. The parachuting? Yeah. The really important part of jumping out of a plane is knowing that your parachute is packed correctly, the falling technique, how to do that correctly. There's a lot of things in just jumping out of a plane.

He jumps out of that plane, and he's torn up by a rotor. That's the first thing that happens. I get your idea, but the most important part is knowing how to parachute. You could one-way trip every single flight because you just let the plane crash wherever it crashes. Absolutely. I'll find another plane and fly that one back. And that would be fun because as you explore the world, you'd eventually find some of your old crashes here and there. That would be great.

And you say, oh, could I make it to that continent, get a big commercial jetliner that's full of fuel, fly it all the way over, and then parachute? No, you're not getting the jet off the ground. You're not flying a 747. It's not like I've got to lift it harder. It does the work. It's like, okay, it's big. That doesn't make it more difficult to take off. It's more difficult.

That's why you have to train longer. There are a lot of buttons, Jason. There's not just a start and then up. But to be fair, this is the guy who's convinced he could land a 747. So it's not surprising. With someone in my area telling me what to do, you're darn right. Last one. Last one that I thought would be fun.

I thought about moving into an arena like Madison Square Garden. So I could like play some basketball out there on the court. You know, maybe I'm watching too many Jordan documentaries. That seems like a fun place to hang out. I had thought about moving into you know you've got all these mansions well move into a resort i mean it's like you've got like 800 000 rooms and a golf course and all that but the reality is you need it to be powered and i i don't know of any resort in the world that's powered by solar power so i was good so you got to go down to a mansion. You really need friends in this situation.

Well, you have one. A few friends would really, if you had said the three of us, what do we do? That would be a whole nother story. You have your dog friend and I have Lego John McClane. Yeah, it's the same thing. What did we learn today? I learned a lot that I wish I i hadn't i learned the back of the bus is a dangerous place and i learned i learned that jason just loves dvds just loves his favorite

format of all time they don't make movies like they used to am i right am i right gosh yes yes i learned that the most important part of uh parachuting is knowing how to parachute is actually being able to land stick the landing as they say yeah that's what they say and i learned that there is a way to confuse how to use a bidet even though there's just an on and off switch that's right that's right it's a confusing place for some people, Mike. It's pretty binary. No, there's bidets. You got, is it moving?

Is it hot? Is it cold? Is it forward? Is it back? Most of them don't have that, Jason. We all don't have your fancy road. Is tornado mode? Oh, no.

It's dangerous. Chipotle mode. A shot for shot remake, Mike. That got me. Thanks, Spitwads. We'll see you later. I think it'll be really fun. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.