Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Sleeping À La Mode & Toilet Paper Alternatives - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

Spit Hit for March 3, 2022: Everyone’s favorite segment is back! Liar, Liar! Can any of the guys out smart the wise Owl? We also banter about security guards invading our personal space, bank accounts, and sleeping with the lights on. We flush this episode down the toilet with a draft of TP alternatives. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What's up, Spitwads? On this episode, Liar Liar, it's back. Do we get Al Borland in this one? I mean, probably not, but there's still a whole bunch of cool stuff that you can learn about. We talk about security guards invading our personal space, bank accounts, sleeping with the lights on, but there's still a bunch of stuff that you would come to expect from the Spitbars podcast. Make sure you enjoy the show. Tell your friends, because here we go. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

Was there a deep breath in the middle of it? No, it was just the internet. Don't worry. Oh, he's got it in full. Okay. Well, that was a relief to Jason. He didn't have to get in. Al Borland taking care of the scat for us in his sultry voice.

Oh, please. That was a guest appearance by Kylo Ren. He dropped in for the scat. It did sound like it. How you doing, Al? I'm doing good. How you doing? Oh, there he is.

Superman does good. I was hoping he would. I'm fine. Jason's doing very well. If you're watching on YouTube, Jason's enjoying. I guess the beaches are not as packed as they used to be, Jason. The beaches are empty, so if you record remotely from the beach, you both have a wonderful experience and can get arrested.

There's no wind. There's no wind going on there. Those are some static clouds just sitting. And trees. And waves. Don't worry about it. The waves is the bigger giveaway. We're focused here on the clouds.

The moon has gone a little bit too far away right now, and the waves are seceding. Welcome into Spitballers episode 94 at SpitballersPod on Twitter. We have Would You Rather, Liar Liar. Yes, yes. Oh, Jason, you didn't know? Liar Liar today? I didn't know. And a spectacular draft coming your way on today's episode.

Andy, Mike, and Jason with you. Oh, my goodness. This draft, there is look this draft is wonderful there is an answer that is certainly going to come out for this draft and it will be the apex of this show well i look forward to that moment you've piqued my interest all right we haven't given any thought to the draft that's okay we'll leave it in mystery right now you can find the show

you can see Jason chilling on the very very calm beach youtube.com spitballers and you can find find out how you can support the show at spitballerspod.com become an official spitwad support the podcast

you guys ready to get into it? yep Support the show at spitballerspod.com. Become an official Spitwad. Support the podcast. You guys ready to get into it? Yep. Would you rather? All right. Our first would you rather question comes in from Ginny's Kids on Patreon. They'd like to know, would you rather have a bodyguard sit across from you in a chair to keep you safe while you sleep, or sit no less than four inches from your face every time you eat to ensure you don't choke?

Why would I want either of these things? Well, you don't, but you have to pick one because that's the name of the game jason so one of them is really really uncomfortable because they're four inches away from you while four inches is very that's very very close they are not social distancing that that is 100 correct but the other issue is someone is watching you sleep, which why is it that someone, the idea that someone is watching you sleep is so horrifying? Why is it so bad? I don't understand how long, I mean, how long would it take for me to get used to that? Even if I knew I was safe.

The answer is never. That doesn't bother me at all. I can put a webcam up and let the world watch't bother me at all. Wait, hold on. I can put a webcam up and let the world watch me sleep. No, no, no, no, no. Please don't. A webcam is so much different than the physical presence of a bodyguard, implying bodyguard is said super jacked dude just watching you sleep.

Well, here's the thing. Maybe this is the difference. I have what the doctors call sleep apnea. So I'm going to get the most out of that man. I don't even need a CPAP anymore. Hold on. You actually need the guy. Does he give you mouth to mouth?

Or mouth to nose? All he needs to do is just give me a little wake up. A little, hey, bud, come on, breathe. Okay. As you were. That's it. I just need hey, bud, come on. Breathe. Okay. As you were. That's it. I just need to make sure I don't stop breathing. Okay. So this question is more for me and Andy because we don't need someone watching us to sleep.

Yeah, it's anxiety inducing if a very large man is sitting with his eyes open staring at you. Those moments when you wake up, you got to go pee in the middle of the night. Oh, you doing all right? I'm just imagining, because I'm a television sleeper. I flip it on. I watch a show or a movie. And then as I'm falling asleep, generally, I flip it off. So I'm just imagining me turning it off and,

oh, going to sleep now, huh? Yes. Thank you for saying that. I have imagined this bodyguard is checking in way too often. He's saying things like, he's doing his job. You all right? You doing okay? You doing all right?

There he is. Part of the problem here is if he's watching me sleep, he's also watching my wife sleep. Oh, is that weird? So you're fine? Hold on. That's where you draw the line? Well, look, I'm just saying. He's a body guy.

Maybe you guys sleep head to toe, pants, a sweater, a t-shirt, whatever. No. We don't. We sleep in comfortable attire. We move around a lot. Yes. I'm just saying. You're going gonna sleep some things

you sleep not safe for work i sleep well i mean no i don't sleep safe for work i couldn't go to work dressed as i as i sleep so no i sleep not safe for work is dressed even considered what you are in that situation it's undressed do you sleep the way you were born i don't because of these stupid children and all the years of marriage before we had kids i absolutely slept as i came into the world come i will i will always i will tell this story in in part to embarrass my brother-in-law joshua oh get him yeah but i know i know i know for a fact that he very much sleeps the way he came into the world no no no yes no no no no no no no yes currently currently and he's very yes 100 no no no no no no no listen he's a hairy man and let's put it this way i he tells this story he came down the stairs in the buff what and what oh what

that's a whole different problem listen to the story he was going downstairs to get a glass of water comes down in the buff dog had peed at the base of stairs he ends up slipping and just splattering his whole nude body in the dog pee on the tile. Has to go back upstairs dripping wet in the buff. Yes, Joshua does that. No, that's a sitcom presence. That's not real. I promise you, he has insisted on the fact he cannot sleep any other way.

No, and look, I can actually relate to that. It took me a while to be able to sleep not alimode you know what i mean like alimode with ice cream that's what i'm calling it with a scoop of vanilla scoop well it's like two scoops of vanilla when you're talking about me but uh no it's like a gallon of vanilla. Alamode. He sleeps Alamode. It's so much more comfortable to sleep nude. The problem is I have kids that come into my room or come into bed. You have some semblance of adjusting your attire for your children.

100%. 100%. But that's a whole different world than saying, well, I'm going to go. I already was nude, so I have to go downstairs nude. Like, well, what if you're nude when you need to check the mail, Josh? You're just like, well, I was naked, so I'm going to the mail. It's a true story, man. I don't want the four inches from my face.

I will deal with the nighttime sleeping because. Yeah, I don't blame you there. i don't blame you there i don't blame you there andy i wouldn't want that oh we're all taking the bodyguard all right now jared from patreon would you rather sleep here's another sleep question. Oh, my goodness. Nightmares. Would you rather sleep with all your clothes on, shoes included... It's getting hot at this beach. All right.

I got to start over. This is fine. All right. This is fine. Would you rather sleep with all your clothes on and shoes, which that's not a good time, or sleep with all the lights on and nothing can cover your face and eyes? Oh, my word. Have you ever gone swimming with your shoes on?

I have. What? No. Well, I haven't gone swimming, but I've been in. You've fallen in a pool. Sure. Fallen in a pool. I guess you don't do it on purpose.

Or been, what's it called uh rock hopping you got done that then you fall in and you're waiting you know what i'm talking about rock hopping yeah you guys is this a new thing for you too al borland knows right call it's called rock hopping yeah when you go to like a lake or a stream and there's like you know some some rocks that you could hop across the stream yes you could hop upon these rocks to cross the stream but my family we used to go camping and we would go rock hopping we would go i've never heard rock hopping have you heard that i've never heard the phrase i have never heard that either sorry oh get come to my rescue there's rock hoppers out there like you put it on the schedule that like 8 a.m is is breakfast 9 a.m is rock yes we got 100 we plan to go rock hopping and when we

did that you know every now and then you'd fall in and you get the completely fully soaked foot shoe sock and it is awful sleeping with your shoes on doesn't feel like you are able to get ready for bed you know that's like what happens or are you always ready for bed i guess well you would become that way and then the sleeping with all the lights on that stinks i don't know if it could happen like i at first when you first read this question like, well, I have to take the other one because I could not sleep with my shoes and socks and clothes on. But I actually think, you know, if I'm tired and you turn all the lights out and, you know, I'm probably not going under covers because I already got built in covers. I would get sleep.

But if the lights are on, that's like the number one thing that keeps me from sleeping. I guess that's the biggest question, Jason. So it's both scenarios. One, you're very, very tired, had a hard day of work. You go and you're fully dressed and you're just like, oh, and you just laid right down on the mattress and you fall asleep or you get ready for bed and your spouse is still getting ready for bed, which this has happened to me. I'm sure it's happened to you guys where she's getting ready for bed

because, look, our bedtime routines are very different. Mine involves get into underpants and go to sleep. That's your routine. Yeah, that's my whole routine. And obviously put your shoes on. But my point is I've fallen asleep with the lights on, but I don't know if every single night if they're on, is that going to create a problem for you in the middle of the night?

Can I put my neighbor on blast for a second? Well, 100%, only if you name them and give their address. Well, I would just love to. That's the responsible thing to do. But I don't know these neighbors. They are the behind my house neighbors. Right. So they're not on my street.

They're on the street behind. And they just moved in. It was really nice for a long time. That house was vacant. Well, now they moved in. And I think the first thing they did is replace all the floodlights in the backyard with uh spotlights yeah i mean it's unbelievable when their lights are on our streets lights are on and here's the best part they love to not turn them off at night yeah to leave those on and so literally last night my i've got shutters in in my in my bedroom and they were open like four inches i mean one

one shutter was like a bodyguard just from your eating yeah like a josh away and so i would i couldn't sleep man last night i woke up like 40 times because and and each time you couldn't fix the shutter i thought about it each time, Andy. I was like, you just didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to go. Oh,

come on. It's two in the morning. And I thought this, I just go back to sleep. Like, oh, that's annoying. Whatever.

I'm going to go to sleep. I didn't think it would keep happening. And every time now I'm pot committed to not shutting it. Our name, you see, Jason, we had neighbors that did the exact same thing. I had to go knock on the door.

Eventually had to do it. Ooh, see, I don't like confrontation. They said they left the they had two giant floods that would just completely fill our entire like backyard and they said they had them on so that the dogs could see whether there were snakes in the backyard the dogs that can see they have night vision that was the reason why they wanted their dogs to be able to see if there were snakes around. You need to give them a science lesson about rods and cones. So they slightly moved them downward, and we lived with it.

But anyways, getting back to the question, sleeping with shoes on or lights on? Shoes on or lights on? I got used to sleeping in my boxer, so I think I could get used to sleeping in my shoes. It's not just shoes. It's all your clothes your full clothes yes yes i'm going i'm going fully dressed no covers all right i'll go that way too yeah

this question seems stupid okay let's have it it comes in from brie and tiffany oh that sounds really really stupid would you rather those are the names of our wives yeah well two two of our wives you'll see by the question would you rather be handsome like mike of our wives yeah well two two of our wives you'll see by the question would you rather be handsome like mike or ugly like andy and jason huh huh huh huh uh i'll choose handsome like mike i'll choose handsome like mike i guess i guess'm going to choose ugly like Andy and Jason. Oh, the best... This doesn't seem like a great question, to be honest with you.

It seems like a very poor question. The best part about this question is... Mike just typed in it. Mike wrote it just now. No, not just now, but... Earlier. Probably 30 minutes ago. No, not just now, but probably 30 minutes ago.

Look, I noticed that Al Borland needed some questions for Would You Rather. So I simply was trying to help the show, and I guess it got left in there. And it's a very important question that people need to know, and they need to think about. Well, not people. I mean, our wives, Jason and my wife. Well, they're the ones asking the question. They need to know. And they need to think about. Well not people. I mean our wives. Jason and my wife. Well they're the ones asking the question. I'm saying people need to think about. Do you want to be handsome like Mike. Or ugly like Andy and Jason.

Oh this is like I want to be like Michael Jordan. I'll take I'll be handsome like Mike. Like Mike Jordan. Now I get it. Alright I'm going to ask a real one. This one comes in from. A I get it. Alright, I'm going to ask a real one. This one comes in from a person on Patreon. Would you rather

have a bank account but never be able to check your balance and have to keep track of your transactions on paper or never be able to use a bank account and only have cash? Alright, I'll jump in here because maybe you guys have had experience with with the cash people because yeah apparently

there are cash people out there and they they live their lives in the the manner of of uh you know like it's it's their budgetary it's the way that they budget they have they they have the certain amount of cash once that cash is gone it's letting them know that they they cannot spend anymore meanwhile meanwhile they could they could do the exact same budgeting and financial planning but get all the bonus credit card points man i think you're wrong there mike i think you're wrong there there's look speaking as talk talk me into the cash plan all right here's the cash plan the cash plan is you're out of cash whoopsie doozles you're out of luck you got you you can't do anything else when you get low on

cash you got a plan it's basically the spanking from mommy and daddy that you need because you're not really a grown-up yet when you are in need of that spanking them credit card points gonna get you in trubs because you're gonna rack up them credit card interest and you're not going to follow through and uh next thing you know you're gonna owe more money you're gonna have spent more money so yeah no i've been the cash person before i've needed that in my life i have you've been in the world where it's like, I can't just keep track and have the self control. I have to actually have the physical limiter in my life. Otherwise,

otherwise I will not be in any type of control. Yeah. So yeah, a hundred percent. Here's the thing. When, when I was a young man becoming a young man, that's when I ran a pretty successful company. I think you've heard. Sure. Okay. So money was

not something that as I became an adult, I ever learned was finite because I just spend whatever I want to spend. I made whatever I want. And so it was one of those things where I never grew up financially at that point in my life. It was just spend, spend, spend because money was infinity. And then eventually, you know, infinity was the piper showed up and so, yeah. So, you know, it took some time in my life to grow up. So I look, that's like the ramsey plan right dave ramsey has that cash only system is he a cash envelope type of system yeah yeah he he recommends that um so i've been there so this is really a question of do you meanwhile dave ramsey's racking up super sweet credit card points getting free vacations oh for sure he's got he's got a lot of them points

coming he's got none of them hey if you them. Hey, the cash thing is just inconvenient because obviously there's some places that they don't want to take cash. It's very inconvenient. You got to go into the gas station and give them cash and put it on a pump. There are some limitations there. The other side is like going back to checkbook balancing days where you're keeping track of your entire bank account inside of your checkbook, which I'm old enough to literally have been taught that in school. We had to have a checkbook. They still do that? I don't know. Look, so here's what happened. I took my daughter. It was her big field trip

of the year. This is the thing that everyone looks forward to before school got shut down of course but we went and it's called biz town and and this was a situation where it was like i i kept gaming i was told about it all year and it eventually it led up to the point of like okay dad has to go on this field trip because it's so important. I said, all right, let's make this happen. I go. Number one, it was incredible. This was a situation that I had never, I couldn't even imagine it was this awesome where they had, it's a building and they literally have built out a mini town and there's all sorts of businesses from the bank the exterminator I worked at a radio station there's

the doctor there's a chick fil a there's cox Arizona yes this is in Arizona and people train people and schools travel like from Vegas to go to this biz town because it's like this really really cool experience for kids that to learn all sorts of

things about business, like a crash course. But what they still do, they still write checks and they still have their checkbook that they're teaching kids how to use. And I'm like, okay, my daughter is almost 11 years old. Will checks really exist when she is old enough that she's on her own for finances? No, we need to update this to get rid of checkbooks. People don't need them anymore. Yeah.

They're there for the occasional person that does something that requires a check that I have, I, you know, and one book will last you years nowadays. But I think that it would be i think i would go that route of having to keep track of my own balance more than 100 i can't do i can't do cash if i'm doing cash i'm giving away i'm giving away one to five percent on every transaction yeah i'm gonna take the same business. I can tell you as a young man that when you do that and you don't track your transactions, everything's fine.

Everything works out, my man. Just go. Just you be you. Just go. Yeah, everything is fine. No big deal. It's free money. Yeah, super easy.

Supes. No big deal It's free money Super easy Alright let's get into Liar Liar Liar Liar Pants on fire You're not getting us today Al Borland Oh no not today You think you're pretty special With that sultry, deep voice and scat from the beginning of this show that was so devilish. But you're not tricking us today. We're going to defeat you.

We're going to see through your lies. This is the one, guys. This is the one I go undefeated. I'm going to go 3-0. Are you ready for us, Al? I'm ready. Alright, so I'm going to read you three facts, or

supposed facts, and we're going to identify the lie and embarrass Al Borland. Here we go. Sloths have bad eyesight, which sometimes leads them to grabbing their own arm instead of a branch, causing them to fall from trees.

Oh, my gosh. This is already harder than I thought. What? So that's the first fact. That can't be true. They grab their own arm. Whoops. How are sloths still alive?

I do not know. This could be false um number two in boston a large tank of molasses burst and sent a 35 mile per hour wave of molasses rushing down the street killing 21 people and injuring 150 people it is known as the boston the Molassacre. No way. The Boston Molassacre. He would never make up something this wild. Would he? Oh my

gosh. The Boston Molassacre. It was wild in the beginning. It was wild when you said a 35 mile an hour wave that killed 21 and injured 150 people because, oh no, molasses molasses which by the way is known for being slow molasses but then that wasn't enough and and al borland would tack on it is known as the boston molasses that's so brutal that's even that's not even okay to make up jokes

but this is the man who's like oh let's come up with some hitler joke and number three ancient romans used human and animal urine as a mouth rinse to whiten their teeth oh i take back my three and oh comment this is all right so i feel like the molasses thing just... I'm going to tip my hand. I'm going to tip my hand. I didn't know it was called the Boston Molassacre, but that story is 1,000% true. I know of a story from watching... You're telling me there are 21 families who lost one of their people to molasses? Back when I was a vampire

and I was up all night sleeping all day, I watched a lot of those history channel specials and there was definitely some sort of molasses problem where there was like that was their company and they had an explosion and there was a huge wave of molasses that killed a bunch of people like this is this this is true I don't know if those numbers are how many molassacars are there in the world every year? I can't imagine there's more than one. So I think the sloth one's real.

I think the last one's fake. I'm going to vote the lie as the ancient Romans using human and animal urine. I'm 100% supportive there. I can't imagine you'd think, let's whiten our yellow teeth with this yellow water. The Romans? The Romans are doing weird stuff, man. I don't doubt it, but that's what I'm going with. think let's whiten our yellow teeth with this yellow water come the romans but the romans are doing weird stuff i don't doubt it but that's what i'm going with i just think they would try something else nor nor do i think they care about whitening their teeth i mean

people on the other side of the globe right now don't care okay that that's that's a that's a good way to think about it did ancient romans have dental hygiene? Well, I mean, they had the white robes. They had the white robes. They probably wanted a match. Oh, crap. You bring up another good point. Yeah. I mean, Jason and I are on the same team here, Mike.

Where are you going? Look, I want to believe that that is the right one, but sloths, like grabbing their own arm, how are they still alive? Well, some of them aren't. Their entire, but the species is still alive. And if their entire defensive strategy is that they can climb up a tree very, very slowly,

but sometimes they grab their own arms and fall to doom. Our other producer has just posted an update on sllaws maybe this will help us determine whether this all right work me through it so this is a google results of what people ask about sloths they say are sloths dangerous do sloths die when they poop do they no hold on do they die when they poop this is one of the most common google uh people are asking googled questions if an animal dies when it poops why is why is sloth so slow why is sloth why is sloth so slow uh where does

babby uh what are sloths good for that's a that's a legit okay that's a legit question has a sloth ever killed a human and do sloths attack i wouldn't be worried a sloth ever killed a human and do sloths attack? I wouldn't be worried. A sloth has definitely killed a human because apparently molasses has killed 21 of them. Oh, my goodness. So everybody's done. I believe any question about has a blank ever killed a human, there must be at least one. All right. I'm locking in.

Look. You think the sloth one's fake? I feel real strongly that the Romans is right, but I'm going with sloths. I going with sloths i gotta believe they're not that dumb all right al mike is one and oh yes yes the romans are so stupid ancient romans ancient romans wait that means the ancient romans are dumber than sloths by definition the sloths aren't dumb and don't fall out of trees. Now hold up. They were smart enough to figure out that urine is very rich in ammonia and can whiten your teeth. I was going to say

does it work? Because we're calling them stupid but they might weird the stupid ones. Hold on. So when I crest white strips, I'm just putting pee in my mouth? No, I think we've evolved the process slightly over the years. Hold on. So when I crest white strips, I'm just putting pee in my mouth? No, I think we've evolved the process slightly over the years. Yeah.

There's still some guys that they're selling like weasel urine and trying to sell it to people for whitening purposes. But most people do the strips. Wow. All right. All right. Mike is 1-0. Dang it. All right.

Next set of three facts. Dogs prefer to take poops on a north-south axis. That is why they spin around sometimes when looking for the right spot. Okay. Okay. Jury's out on that. Number two. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar with U.S. coins.

Here we go with the exponential math. Math is always stupid in these. That's what the ancient Romans said. And then the third one. The term finish line comes from a massive multi-day race held in the 17th

century from Norway to Finland. It was a great honor if one could make it far enough to pass the finish line at the end. Finish as in country of Finland. It was a great honor if one could make it far enough to pass the Finnish line at the end. Quote, Finnish as in country of Finland, Finnish line. That's baloney. Get out of here with that one.

I am voting that one is wrong. Alright, Andy's locking in which is perfect because now I get to jump in with my random facts. The dog one, that's 100% true. true 100 true that is what they are doing they're trying to line up with with north and south and they're trying to i i don't know how dogs know they got some kind of magnetic field and they know which way they got to poop

it's like animals that know when a volcano is about to erupt we don't know why they know they just know sure poop so volcanoes so to me it's down to the the dollar which what where i'm where i'm suspicious of owl is to go with the number 293 because we would think it is too high or too low because the finish line one is so crazy jason where are you weighing in on this? Look, I've had dogs my whole life. I've seen them poop in every single possible direction. I can think of my dogs yesterday pooping northwest, east, south.

How good are your directions though, Jason? My directions are 100% fine at home. The front of my house points north. The back of my backyard points south.

My dogs are definitely not always pooping north and south. So this might be some article that says oh this is what i mean how do we know they prefer it but that's what i'm saying how can that be a fact even if it's true well dogs prefer lollipops like how could you did did they answer a questionnaire i i take i take issue with this because I feel like that's going to be true. But I'm saying that's the lie because I watch my dogs poop every direction.

My dogs poop 20 times a day, and I've seen them look west. Okay, Mike, your final vote. We need it. I'm locking in coins. So do we all have a different answer? We all have different ones. Al? Andy's right on this one.

Dang it. Andy and Mike are both 1-0. Jason's 0-2. I know. We're both 1-1, by the way. I am 0-1-1 because this can't be a fact. It is a fact. You can't tell me a dog's preference to poop north itself.

This is on you, man. I came in here. I told you. It's locked. It doesn't mean the poop's going to lay that way. The poop doesn't necessarily face north. I'm not talking about the landing. I'm not talking about the landing.

I'm talking about the... There was a two-year study in which they watched a total of 5,582 urinations. That's a lot of urinations. 1,893 defecations. And they found that in calm magnetic field conditions, the dogs consistently preferred to be aligned north-south when they pooed. And perhaps the most striking result was that regardless of magnetic field conditions, dogs blatantly avoided relieving themselves along an east-west alignment.

I told you, man. And the irony was the study was done by some ancient Romans who used all the urinations for their own purposes. I and every single person listening to this. It's called the double track. That's right. From now on, the spit wads and myself are going to watch every single time a dog defecates with far more interest and wonder which direction they're pointing. And I'm telling you, I'm taking pictures of these East-West dogs pooping. Look, sometimes they do, but it's about preferring.

And the day I learned that fact, every time I've washed my dog poop, I'm watching for it. I'm not joking. It's not worn off over the years. You still pay attention? Every time I watch her go out there and try to take a poop, I'm like, there we go again. North, south. I wonder if we didn't use toilets if we would organically go north, south.

I mean, I don't know. No. Humans are not capable of sensing the Earth's magnetic fields like dogs are. Yeah, yeah. Nor are dogs. I refuse. All right. We're going to go to the last one so that we can get to the finish line on this.

Crosswalks were originally painted solid white. No way. But got changed to lines during the Great Depression to reduce paint costs. I believe that. I believe that. No way. That's one of those ones I feel like my instincts are that's 100% true. That makes a lot of sense.

Uh, the fastest, the second fact, the fastest manmade item to ever be launched was an iron manhole cover, which ended up in outer space. No way. Oh, this one's not good.

This is, and then the third one eating 30 to 90 grams of polar bear liver is enough to kill a human being I'm fully tilted I think that one is right as well I'm officially voting that the manhole cover is wrong

I'm happy to go oh and three here because the fast because you have no choice because I have no choice and there's no way that the fastest man-made item to ever be launched was an iron manhole cover no way no that's my vote too i think that one's wrong i think that one's a lie it's not aerodynamic a manhole cover what are you talking what are you talking about it's a frisbee it's a really heavy frisbee yeah that's that's fact i mean that that seems like i mean a disc being fired is a pretty conducive thing they throw this super aerodynamic okay all right i was seeing

it sideways like they're flipping it like a coin okay no just straight just like basically blow a manhole cover off the ground it's not going down or space hold on i might rethink this because that's a good the frisbee's a good point the discus yeah okay well what you got mike you you go second all right so andy you locked in the crosswalks that's or no you said i locked in the manhole cover i think that the crosswalks. No, I locked in the manhole cover. I think that the crosswalks is right, and I think that the polar bear liver is right. Okay, but what in a polar bear liver is killing people? Toxins, man. Polar toxins.

Really, really cold. What are they eating that's toxic to humans? Also, who is eating polar bears? Well, it's not like snakes eat something that's super toxic to make them venomous mike but people can eat inside of their bodies no no but that's that's their venom glands that's not their liver no but here's the deal i mean that's it polar bears i'm locking it in polar bear that's not true polar bears eat a ton of fish and there's a lot of fish that can oh is this a mercury mercury thing yeah there's different ways of fishing liver is supposed to take the poisons out he locked it in crosswalks

he was so solid i think that the current uh landscape uh is is making an easy lie for uh al borland to say that the great depression reduced paint costs. I'm going crosswalks. All right, Al. All right. Unfortunately, Jason did not go 0-3 because he got that one right. Thank you, Mike, on the Frisbees. Dang it. Dang it. So the polar bear one is... Is that a mercury thing?

No, it's vitamin A. There you go. I thought I had heard that, Mike. That's one of those late night facts that I remember hearing. Where were you on that one? I told you. I gave you the truth. I said I, Mike. That's one of those late night facts that I remember hearing. Where were you on that one? I told you. I gave you the truth. I said I locked in.

I knew that the Boston Belasiker was real, and I knew that the dog's pooping was real. I didn't help you as much. No, you did not. You were just like, well, maybe it's true. I don't know. Guess what? I knew the whole time it was true. I had the same instinct on the crosswalks, though, and I was wrong there because that's

apparently a lie. That was the lie. Yep. Gosh. Let's draft. Okay. Well, hold on. Hold on.

What was the final score then? That means everybody got one right? Everybody got one right. Is there a further story on the manhole? Like, what happened here? Yeah, that was in... Let me look it up real quick. I don't remember offhand, sorry.

A long time ago? 1957, sorry. So we haven't launched stuff for like 50 years? It was part of a nuclear bomb experiment, and they detonated a nuclear bomb, and the cap of the chamber got launched into space. So it did blow like off of, like straight up? Yes.

I mean, I don't know if it was flipping like a coin or if it turned sideways in the air or what. But it wasn't even thrown like a Frisbee.. So it wasn't. I mean, I don't know if it was flipping like a coin or if it turned sideways in the air or what, but. But it wasn't even thrown like a Frisbee. Nukes are strong. Yeah, they estimated that it was going about 125,000 miles per hour. Oh, that'll kill you. I could one hand that.

All right, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, so Jason is pick number one today. Is that right? That is correct. And we are drafting a wonderful draft. Toilet paper alternatives. Look, it's important to know how to pivot to another option if you

don't have toilet paper available you know maybe you're maybe you're out camping and then you went like you know rock hopping and then you're like man i gotta take a dump ski oh i forgot to bring tp i i have something that i need to broach before this draft happens. Jason, you're number one. I feel like Jason should not be allowed to draft a bidet. That's my first pick. Of course you feel like that. I'm on the 101.

Because that's not the spirit of the draft. The spirit is wiping. Oh my goodness. So you need to find an alternative to manually white i've been hoodwinked i get the 101 and you take away my bidet hey if alice well we can't draft michael jordan oh it's not because here's the spirit yeah the way i'm looking at this is tp is unaccessible as some are some people are dealing with right now. And it's like, crap, what do I do?

What do I have? Oh, crap. And people aren't just like, oh, here's this bidet I had lying around. I mean, you're not going to have a lot of the things on my list lying around. I got to go buy it. You've got to wipe. You've got to wipe. All right.

So there's got to be a wiping aspect of this. Okay. Well, that's dumb. With the 1-0-0, I take bidet. With the 1-0-1, I'm going to take some Kleenex. If it's soft enough for my nose, it's soft enough for my booty. Okay. All right.

Yeah, that's a great pick. I mean, that should be the number one pick. That is the number one pick. It should be the number two pick, but I get it. I do get and i should be the number two pick but i get it i do get it i do admit the spirit look here's the truth i came here fully trying to get the one-on-one as a bidet and i assumed i'd have to do the fight after i said bidet not before i said mike mike preempted it yes because i because it's not the spirit now do you do you want the lavender Kleenex or the standardized? Oh, dude, aloe. I'm going aloe.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. The lotion-y? The lotion-y one? Yeah, give me everything that can go in that Kleenex. Let me ask you this, Jason. How many Kleenex do you need for a good wipe? Because it's clearly not one or two.

You need like... What? They're so thin. What are you saying? Per wipe? Yeah, per wipe. I'm saying you're going to need... Two is fine.

You take... Two Kleenex and then you fold them up? Those are already thick and then you fold them. You should be okay with that. I'm saying you're going to need... Two is fine. Two Kleenex and then you fold them up. Those are already thick and then you fold them. You should be okay with that. I guess if you have the job done. I mean, that means it's going to be like 200 by the end. Right. But yeah, because I didn't get to my bidet.

Well, I figured... Am I on the clock now? You sure are. You are. I figured that I wouldn't get Kleenex. I wanted it. But I'm going to go with the next best thing. I'm going to go with napkins.

All right. I'm going to go with napkins. It's not going to be the most comfortable ride, but it's going to get the job done. It's not going to be too messy. It's not a Kleenex. There are no napkins with aloe, but there's some grooves in there.

I mean, I'll give you this. This is the third pick. It's better than printer paper. It's better than my pick, which I have to resort to. I feel like there were three easy picks that you just lock

into this. I will take paper towels. I will just get that out of the way because now the draft can begin yes it can these were the three you have to take because look you got to get the job done but now it's about creativity it's about innovation yeah the draft so far the draft so far is what is closest to toilet paper. That is correct. You got to get it out of the way.

But let's go, Mike. Let's go. Now we are in dire straits. The three things that come to mind that are basically just toilet paper. So with my second pick, I will take cotton balls. Cotton balls? What a terrible pick. That's the worst pick I've ever heard. take cotton balls. Cotton balls? What? That's the worst pick I've ever heard. How are cotton balls this big?

Wait, are you grabbing a handful? I didn't say I was going one at a time, Jason. Oh, go ahead. Grab a bunch of these little independent things. You're going to shoot them up your booty. You can form a substantial wiping area with cotton balls. I'll take cotton candy. You've got to have a really dense. You've got to have a really

dense. How do you keep them from just sticking? Dude, you can have a bunch of cotton stuck to your bum. All the cotton balls that touch the dirty area. All the cotton balls that touch

dirty area are just going to fall right from your grip all over the place. It's going to be a mess. You had a lot better options than you could have taken cotton balls later. The waiver. Why are you going to be a mess. You had a lot better options than cotton balls. You could have taken cotton balls later in this draft. Off the waiver wire, I was going to take cotton balls.

Oh, I love it. Because you haven't thought about it. That's right. That's right. Okay. Wow, that's spectacular. That is spectacular. That's outstanding.

Man, now I have to – I'm trying to navigate what will come back to me enjoy viscerating your bunghole people because cotton balls won't do that look I'm gonna I'm gonna make the quick decision here for comfort and I'm gonna say that's what I'm gonna say a t-shirt

I'm gonna say a t-shirt look it's not a real you know I'm gonna need a lot of them I'm gonna need to get a bunch-shirt. Look, it's not a real, you know, I'm going to need a lot of them. I'm going to need to get a bunch, but it's cotton and it's going to be soft. And there are going to be, I'm certainly not going to have a bunch of cotton balls in my hand dripping and falling off. So I'm going to take that cotton and put it into a shirt and then we'll wipe my butt with it. So I'm going to go t-shirt.

It's fair. It's on my list. You stole my, my much better pick'm going to go t-shirt. It's fair. It's on my list. You stole my much better pick because you just took t-shirts. I was going to take tour t-shirts from the fantasy footballers because we have like hundreds of them left because we went on tour.

We bought so many t-shirts and here's what's funny. We sold the heck out of those t-shirts for some reason. We basically bought enough for every single person in the world to buy. So we have totes. We have backup toilet paper. Yeah, we were ready for the pandemic.

Yes. But you're going to run out of your own wardrobe now. No, I'll go by the office. I'll pick them up. I'll pick up a tote. Okay, all right. You got two picks. I got two picks here. Look, the bidet is going to get it the the cleanest i don't get the bidet but cleanliness is part of this you want comfort but you also want

cleanliness right shamwow i'm taking a shamwow baby it's it's microfiber it's gonna i mean don't you see the commercials i I think it's everything clean. That's basically a sponge, right? ShamWow is like a microfiber cloth, I believe. Yeah, ShamWow is very different. I can picture what you're saying. But I'm not going off brand. That's a rag.

That's like a... Yeah, I'm taking a real nice microfiber cloth branded as ShamWow. I'm trying to figure out what it eliminates for us. So does it eliminate the rag category? Probably. Probably. Yeah. I haven't seen a ShamWow in forever.

Yeah, it eliminates the rag. ShamWow. Googling ShamWow. Yeah, that's... Remember that ShamWow guy? Yeah, that's like a microfiber rag. Yeah. Okay.

That's a rag. That's all it is. My bum is going to be treated nicely. You went name brand. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I got Kle's gonna be treated nicely you went name brand yeah oh yeah i got kleenex name brand sham wow name brand are those one of the rags that have the silver in them to keep it real antibacterial i sure hope so all right so you got to pick another one so you went shamu wait on sham wow's website it says sham wow is perfect for any situation. Okay. Well, there you go. There you go.

Well done. All right. So that's my first one is the ShamWow. And then now let me ask if this is acceptable because this is really, I mean, I feel like this should have been in the top three. And because it wasn't, maybe you guys are going to say, I can't use baby wipes. And because it wasn't, maybe you guys are going to say, I can't use baby wipes. But baby wipes are, I mean, they're made to wipe butts for poop. So what's the verdict there?

Yeah, I'll allow it. That is a complete oversight by myself and Andy. But baby wipes. Oh, gosh. I mean, you go down the aisle and toilet paper is gone. You're darn right. ShamWow, Kleenex, and baby wipes. ShamWow, the garbage.

That was baby wipes. Now, just for the sake of argument, Al, is the spirit of the draft finding something you don't normally use to wipe yourself with? That's true. Because baby wipes and baby wipes are a normal use. There are toilet wipes, which are just baby wipes. If it's just an oversight, then we can give it to him and ruin the entire draft. Or we can make him pick again.

Either way. Al? I would make him pick again. I think the spirit of the draft is finding things that are not made to wipe your bottom. And we know preventing Jason from cheating is something we have to do actively in every round. Yeah. You're darn right. You're darn right. I tried with my bidet. preventing jason from cheating is something we have to do actively in every round yeah so you're darn right you're darn right um i tried i tried with my bidet i tried with my baby wipes

we're gonna go with toilet paper go charming ultra soft uh all right well oh man i'm already up ahead i'm gonna take i think this would work a lot better and easier than t-shirts i also have way more of them and they are cheaper to procure i'm gonna take socks you gotta hold you just you already got a glove right there you put you put your arm in the sock you clean it up and then you can do the reverse oh the inverse you can do the reverse and throwoff. Oh, the inverse. The inverse and throw it away. So much more safe when you're pulling off the glove. Do you do that for dog poop? Do you walk around with a sock on and then just pick it up? You could.

How else do you do it? All right. So that was a nice pivot, Jason, from your baby wipes to socks. That's pretty big. I've got Kleenex, Shamwows, and socks after having taken two picks away from me. Well, look, I'm going to go with what I thought a Sham-O was at first, which is I'm going to take a sponge. Oh, that's good.

That was on my list. It's absorbent. Is that the word? Yeah, that's the word. Yeah, that's the word. Soft. I've never really thought about it, but I think it would be a good experience.

Well, and the nice thing about that is... Are they a flushable sponge? No, you're not going to be wanted to all right uh but you can get them wet you can get them nice and yeah you know moist help with the cleanliness factor i like i like the sponge pick that's all right all right thank you i am not in a good situation well no i would go for i would definitely go marbles mike there's one i am you had cotton balls i would go marbles, Mike. There's one I am. You had cotton balls. I would go marbles. Because you could grab them together. You can get a bunch of them.

I can't wait. There's one I really hope comes back. Gumballs. Look, how many picks do I have? You need two more. Oh, two? This is my... Well, good.

Okay. I alluded to the pick at the beginning of the draft, so I will be the one who takes it with my last pick. But we're going to get back to nature with this first one. Yeah. Because when you're camping and you're out in the wilderness and there's dire straits, you grab some leaves.

Yeah. I figured leaves would come out. You grab some leaves and they're going to get the job done. And I can dispose of leaves. No problem. I get a handful of them. And then I go to town. So here's where.

Here's where the rubber meets the road. Ladies and gentlemen, you're not going to like this pick. Please don't take mine. Because it sounds. I'm not taking your pick, Jason. I'm taking my pick. And it sounds super terrible. But here's the thing.

Our situation, you know what's right next to my toilet after I'm done? Soap and water. So I'm doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, I am drafting the hand. That was mine. I'm not taking yours. All you need is your hand. It will get a job.

I had it circled and asterisked. I wanted the hand. You're not the only one, Jason. You're not the only one. Oh, man. Hand was there as a poll pick. Dang it. That means my list is bad.

What I've got left on my list are unspeakables. What we can say about the hand, while gross, I know it's not going to hurt me. There's no chafage coming from my hand. Can you pick carpet like the dog wipe? I just get out and rub my butt along the carpet.

Do a little dog scoot. So Mike ended up with paper towels, cotton balls, a surprise second round pick, leaves, leaves and hands. Oh, I guess you've got two of them.

So, uh, well, that got dirty. I have napkins, t-shirts, sponge, and I'm going to,

I'm going to pivot. I, uh, I had some other options here actually, but I'm going to go, I'm going with a mitten. Okay. That makes sense. I'm dressed in a mitten. that makes sense it's like a mitten it's like my sock that makes sense it's like a sock yeah maybe a little bit cozier in the winter oh and uh i can reverse

i can reverse this pick like a mitten and a sock i hope you have a lot of them or i hope you're doing your laundry non-stop this is one time use. But that's what I'm saying with the socks. I buy a package of those. I go to anywhere I want. I can get the bulk package. You're not buying a pack a day right now because you're not leaving your house. Oh, I promise you socks are in stock right now.

If I want to order socks, I can get them by the boatload here. They're going to be a lot cheaper than mittens. I have a big problem. That'd be the buttload, go on oh man i really i want to apologize to the spit wads for leaving that clear and obvious pun uh off my joke list unattended my big problem is my list one two three four five six seven eight nine ten, 13. I had 13 things. And they've been eliminated. Two of them were cheats.

At least two were cheat codes. Well, yeah. I had a bidet and baby wipes. And then I had my tour t-shirts, which... See, I've got one that's like... I've got a few. I'll wait. I'll wait for Jason to pick. I'm out.

So I want to say I'm out. But in truth, I have one thing written down on my list. It was written down as a joke, but here we are. Here we are. Here we are. You referred to having silver being sanitary, helping clean up from bacteria. Steel wool. I'm going to take a silver spoon because I'm going to scrape that sucker clean with a spoon i'm going with a spoon

scraping clean oh my goodness you're drafting a spoon easy to sanitize and clean i didn't want to but you took two of my picks away so i here i stand with a spoon kleenex shamwow socks and a spoon and a poop spoon a poop spoon i it's a poop scoop oh yeah a pooper scooper i have i have a few it's better than a fork still remaining here i've got this would be very humorous to use give you mine okay i have alufa oh that's a good pick problematic i have uh sheets or pillowcases and i have towels yeah and that's pretty much it all right why did you take my hand and by the way you did not draft my hand for the record you drafted your own hand um but you took my don't draft your friend's hands for this one. So left on my list, but I mean, there's some serious problems, like newspaper.

Yeah. There's some problems there. Copy paper. The actual cardboard roll from the toilet paper. Yeah. There's some problems there. And then the pick I was alluding to for Jason, look, you can't get a bidet. But what if you're trying to splash up there and get a good old-fashioned water gun?

See, I would have. I had those type of things. A water gun. A water gun. See you in five hours. What was set? No, what I was going to take was a water. You can do those water bottles.

Think of like the ketchup and mustard squirters, right? Oh, you're going straight north-south? Yeah, just go straight. Well, I would go at an angle for protection of the hand. But yeah, just, you know, it's like a self-bidet. But the problem is, you said it had to wipe. Yeah, we did. Would not have qualified.

I got you. Well, I don't know who's going to win this one. I really don't. But I know that none of us want to do any of these ever. So certainly not the spoon. It's pretty special what did we learn today what did we learn today oh goodness i learned that uh scientists have been lying about dogs pooping habits uh that they need to go north south and that i also learned that i need to monitor all dogs uh duties yeah there's a real

yeah i learned today that andy would rather have someone watch him sleep than take the four inches from his face yeah right and i i learned that nuclear bombs are very, very powerful. Very powerful. You learned that today. This is a big... That's it. And you guys learned that my brother-in-law sleeps in the nude and slipped on some dog urine. And we would go downstairs. He can't be bothered to put underpants on to go downstairs. He probably has white teeth.

See you guys later. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com. Ladies, are you looking for the perfect everything jean? The pair of jeans you can pair with a cute top and some heels for work, but when 5 o'clock rolls around, that's when the t-shirt and the boots get thrown on. Well, look no further.

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