Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: SNUBA Diving & The Best Hand Gestures - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 28, 2024

Spit Hit for March 28th, 2024: On today’s show we discuss running the world with Superman by our side, being on Mt. Rushmore, and cheap haircuts for people like Jason. We then draft the best hand gestures to close things down. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Rink-a-dink-dink-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink-a-dink Deuces. ring ding ding ding ding no no you guys don't remember this that was a rinkety that was a rinkety and oh it was all louis armstrong right there deuces you guys remember the frog it sounds like what did the fox say is it sounds like what you're doing oh yeah the fox did say ding ding ding ding what did the frog say ring he rolls his arms oh yeah all frogs do uh welcome into the spitballers podcast andy mike Mike, and Jason back with you. Would you rather the Situation Room?

And we are drafting the best hand gestures. I mean, it's one of the more popular topics on Earth. It's go time. It was brought up as an idea by Al, and instantly we had lists. I mean, there are a lot of hand gestures. A lot of great ones. I did not. You know, sometimes you need to do research.

Dive deep. Look at other people's opinions. Encyclopedia Britannica. Go to Reddit. Yeah, open up the crack open the books from the Encyclopedia Britannica. This one was straight off the noggin, and I had 15 solid hand gestures. Mine was I looked at my hands. Oh, you had to look.

Yeah, I would start moving them around. I saw what they could do yeah okay which ironically just before the show we were marveling at the fact mike can snap his fingers with his pointer finger very loudly which is not normal that's like a like a kind of a circus thing i can't even get my pointer finger to make sound. You're doing like a whisper snap. These fine microphones picking it up. At SpitballersPod over on Twitter. SpitballersPod.com is the website. Let's jump in.

Would you rather? Ace from Patreon writes in, which minor skill would you rather? Ace from Patreon writes in, which minor skill would you rather acquire? Oh, so there's multiple options. Option one, always take the perfect picture. That's a skill. That would be nice. Number two, always have a high score in video games.

It's a show-off skill. There's a time in my life where that would have been the top. Number three, become extremely flexible. Oh. Now, this is like physically. Yeah. Right, right, right. Your will will not bend, but your body will.

Just saying. You're like, hey, you want to do this? Yeah, I'm very flexible. I'm open to doing that right now. Honestly, that would be nice to have as well. And the fourth one, the ability to hold your breath for 10 minutes. 10 minutes? 10 minutes is a long time.

Which is not the record. That's not a minor skill. That's fair, Mike. That's a pretty major skill. Like two minutes would be a minor skill. What would you do with that skill? Other than- I would go underwater.

Okay. And stay down there for nine minutes while everyone above me is like he's drowning and then i would resurface and say no so i have a minor skill do you do you know the world record for holding your breath underwater i'm guessing it's probably you're saying unaided yeah just i'm gonna guess 18 minutes how would you aid someone holding their breath underwater? Well, I mean, there are some ways. Scooping.

I didn't come up for a breath for hours. I wasn't sure if there was something I was missing. I don't know, like giving them a rock to hold them down? Is that aided? No, I don't think so. The goal here is holding your breath. Anyways, sorry to- What's the record?

24 and a half minutes. How is that possible? I don't know if I can make it to 24 and a half seconds. Is there a separate world record for the longest you can hold your breath right before you die? 24 minutes and 37 seconds. I mean, you can't keep track of that one. You have to slow your heart down to like two beats per minute. How is that person not a fish?

Because if you pass 20 minutes, you do become a fish. Well, I mean, they're not the incredible Mr. Limpet down there. They're holding their breath. They're not breathing the water. So the high score in video games and the holding breath, it sounds like the main use of those is to show off. Whereas the flexibility and the perfect picture have more practical uses. Because you just, I brought it up.

I said, why would you use it? You said, so that people can think I'm drowning and I can pop up and say, surprise. But also, I mean, like, we don't live by the ocean. If I live by the ocean, I'd be down there with the fishes. I'd die by the ocean. I'd be checking all that stuff out underwater. That would be really cool. It's snorkeling except you're

not on the top of the water. The issue is like I can snorkel already. There's a nice snorkel mask. Why haven't they... I know that they've improved snorkeling technology tremendously. We're getting ready to take a trip. Jason shared with me the face mask.

The full face, yeah. But to me, I don't understand why haven't they extended the snorkel length? Yeah. Why haven't they made the length like six feet? I think it's hard to breathe through it. Oh, if it reaches a certain length? Yeah, I think there's a pressure situation going on. Interesting.

I did just see, however. We can overcome that. But, no i i just got hit number i got two things number one uh a kickstarter for that where it's like it's a motorized thing that that floats on top of the water and so you you have the long hose and you can go underwater so it's like scuba diving except you don't have it on your back and it just sits on top of the water it's called snuba diving snuba yeah it's a thing it's been around a long time so what so scuba is like self-contained underwater breathing apparatus what is the end i think it's like snorkel scuba hybrid is there did they know

that it's an acronym do uh but number two they make like portable scuba tanks where it's just essentially a little canister in the mouthpiece and you carry it around. I actually have seen those. And it's got like 10 minutes worth of air. Yeah, 10 to 20 minutes of air. I'm like, that sounds awesome. And you can fill them yourself.

Yeah, with a pump. With a pump. I'll take the submarine. Just a big window. I'm going further, deeper, longer than you guys. Would you do the old school um the metal the metal helmet oh have you you know what i'm talking about yeah actually looking like you're in bioshock you can do those things where you like you walk on the floor of the ocean because you're

wearing basically that that headpiece that rests on your shoulders, that seems pretty cool. Other than, I feel like if you lean a little bit too far, all the water would get in. Like, oh, shoot. You have to scream at people as they're going in. Oh, one more thing. Don't lean. Don't lean over. You'll die.

I was wrong. It is an acronym for Surface Nexus Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Okay. Okay, that's much better Nexus Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Okay. Okay. That's much better. They forced that Nexus in there. They're just like, how do we call it? Snooba.

I did have a question. Yes. Back to the original question. Always take the perfect picture. This makes a big difference to me. Is this I am photogenic? Yes. Or is this I am photogenic? Yes. Or is this I am a photographer?

I think we took it the way that it was intended, which was. Yeah, we're very shallow, selfish people. We are the subject of the photo. Yeah, I mean, this meant you have the ability to take the perfect photo. You're in the photo. I took it the opposite. You're not in the photo. You're the photographer.

Oh, what? I knew you guys were seeing this different. In you're in the photo. I took it the opposite. You're not in the photo. You're the photographer. Yes. Oh, what? I know you guys are seeing this different. That's why this needed to come to light. Because one way is you're taking a great. I'm a great photographer. And the other is I am a model. Yeah. So this says you always take the perfect picture.

Right. But now you are putting Ace on blast because Ace is saying being a pristine professional photographer is in fact a minor skill. Compared to being a model, yeah. Taking the perfect picture is a minor skill because it's about composition. It's not necessarily about the equipment. You know you people that have an eye for a to take a photo two people take the same picture one looks good one looks like garbage same camera yes and i agree but i'm saying to call that a minor skill is i mean you're insulting it's

someone's profession that's easy oh that's easy that's a minor it's a minor skill um i i'm gonna throw that one out if i'm the photographer i don't care okay well what if it's you in the picture oh then that's my pick man is it well i mean that means i'm always looking good in photos right but that's how i will be captured oh really i yes that specific picture it didn't say moving picture it's a photo i can't imagine that I would look great in photos and terrible in videos. Oh, yeah. You could do that. I could do that.

Thank you. But also, so the holding the breath, that one sounds pretty good. But if I could actually touch my toes, I feel like that would be. Would you be showing off to yourself at that point? No, your body is less prone to injury if you are actually flexible. And stretching is the worst. Stretching is the worst exercise movement. I would much rather lift heavy weights all day, every day,

and then like, okay, it's time to stretch out. I'm like, no. Stretching feels good. No. If you're lifting weights. No, it doesn't. You're accomplishing something. You don't like a good butterfly stretch?

That doesn't feel great? A butterfly, but like the real big one. I'm not talking about psycho stuff like yoga. I'm not saying yoga. I'm just saying a good old-fashioned hamstring stretch. Yeah, you enjoy stretching your hamstrings, Andy. I know we both got really tight hamstrings. It hurts. And then your legs start going

numb and the tingly start firing through your legs. You're like, I'm not doing this anymore. It's the worst. So I think both Mike and I are on the flexibility. I think I'm taking that one. But I believe this is just because we are old now. Could you imagine being 20? I was never flexible I was

never flexible never ever ever but at 20 years old I would not pick flexibility from this list I'll be like that's okay I'll take the video games because I feel like I'm falling behind and I don't have any pride in my video game playing ability anymore and and so to kind of have that again that's what I'm gonna go the with. Are the kids beating you? Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. I mean, they're just quicker. Smarter. I've been playing a lot of NBA 2K with the boy, and that has not been a problem.

He is improving rapidly, and he has now beat me three times in a row. Oh, no. And you're going all full. Oh, yeah. My rule has always been if you beat me, you have actually beat me. I don't let up and let that happen. But my son is an elite trash talker and just nonstop.

I wonder where he got that. Not from me, honestly, because that I don't do. When I'm competing against my kids, I don't trash talk. If I trash talk to him the way he does to me, he would leave the game in just a puddle of tears because he would not be able to handle it. He is the worst. So do you have, when you're losing to the kids,

are they talking garbage to you? I mean, yeah, there's some garbage being talked by the middle one for sure. You know, the kids, they're quick to remember what it feels like to win. Yes. And forget what it feels like to lose. So it's like in the moment, they're the best. Yeah. My youngest is now super into basketball.

So we've been playing one-on-one a lot. And I tell him, he's 10 years old. So I tell him every day you will never beat me you will never beat me as long as you are alive in a game of one-on-one basketball that's what I tell him and I want to make sure he knows that truth because it is and so what happens is we'll play a game to 10 or whatever and I'll be playing casual and if he gets to eight, oh, man. If he gets to eight, oh, it is. I am on him like Michael Jordan. I will never let him get that tenth point.

He knows it. And so every now and then he shoots like some really faraway shot, and I'm terrified. I am petrified that it's going to go in because I tell him, you will never, as long as you're alive, I'll be 80 years old, you will never beat me. Do you believe that in your heart? No, I don't believe that at all.

He will overtake me at some point. The point is, that first game, when he finally beats me, is going to be a special moment in his life. Because he knows, when it's game point, daddy's going full out. Now, when you think of that moment, are you overcome with pride for your child surpassing the master, or are you on the side of- I just step, step, walk off. I just lost to my kid, and it's time to hang him up. If it doesn't happen before you hit a certain age, it will not be satisfaction for him.

It will be sad for him, because it will mean daddy is- Daddy's not got many years left. It will be sad for him because it will mean daddy is daddy's not got many years left i it will be like a pity thing like if you you get to a certain point where if you beat your dad at something athletic it's not a victory it's just what should happen right um i would definitely be on the pride side like i look forward to him beating me i just hope it's four years from now at least there's no way that you will not be telling him he got lucky um all right hannah from the website would you rather have a sultry attractive voice with well below average looks or be extremely attractive looking but have an

extremely obnoxious voice wow i guys i have to tell you about something. Oh, bro. Feel yourself. And I, look, I had somebody come over to the house to work on my car. It was some body work. I had some scratches. There's all these mobile services now. They come to your house. They fix your car.

This was one of the nicest gentlemen I've ever met. this was one of the nicest gentlemen I've ever met, but his voice was so high. Oh, the, and it didn't match. You know, it's like, not that I could picture a person that necessarily has a high voice as a,

as a male, but I'm telling you guys, I was looking for cameras. I did. I mean, it was like, and every, and we talked for so long about life and stuff.

And anyways, it's like. Okay. I was up there and it was like something so bewildering that I think it was at a level where it might have been a detriment to previous parts of life. So I'm just saying like the, you know, your voice. We always say like an accent right there's a trustworthy accent voices jason said you know he wishes he had the voice of these famous actors even more than the looks almost yeah um so obnoxious voice that crosses the line you don't just have a subpar voice you are actively a problem so what happens though for the people unfortunately

that they have the bad looks they have the obnoxious voice you know like owl borland right yeah well let's go to him what's the what was the owl voice you're not gonna beat me this week i tell the best lies that's uh that's a good point mike and and i think what happens there is we give empathy and employment out of employment the employment the uh yeah no because we are so altruist altruistic owl true oh it was right that's it we did it um i'm gonna take the good looks really i don't i don't need to talk you can be the strong silent type i will walk straight through some place and at least if probably cooper remember you're looking all handsome and he comes in and he talks like this that's fine no it's not you're below average but i'm not extremely ugly yes you are no no no well below average looks well below well below average

looks or extremely obnoxious so i okay i'm not i'm not handsome I would say someone with well below average looks is ugly. When you have the voice of an angel, you carry resonance. You carry weight. I will take. What is James Earl Jones's looks? What would you call that? He's got good. He's probably good.

Medium looks? I would say medium looks. Medium looks. He seems like an. Medium looks? I would say medium looks. Medium looks? He seems like an average, regular fellow. What about beef? Oh, he's well below average. So you're talking about Sam Elliott is below average looks? Sam Elliott is well below average.

I don't think he's below average. He's medium. That's because of the voice. Now, Gene Hackman. And the mustache. Gene Hackman, after a certain point, probably below average. I'm thinking of voices right now. Do we know what Hackman looked like when he was actually young?

Probably better looking. I mean, he could have been devastatingly handsome, and we just have no idea. I think he was. But Sam Elliott's the perfect example because he's actually – Yeah, Gene Hackman was fine looking. He was pretty good looking, actually. Sam Elliott's well below average looking.

Have you seen young Sam Elliott? Yeah. He was a strapping handsome dude see there we can't we can't be judging oh man young sam elliott is he a looker he's a stone's throw from a brady oh it's like he's a handsome gentleman yeah oh he's very good looking oh wow pretty good looking young man. We're just talking about old people. Does he have the mustache? Yes. So what we have learned is old people are ugly.

Yes. Man. We got to it. It's the wrinkles. So no matter how handsome we are, we're going to get ugly. Yes. Oh, crap. Yeah, there are no...

Wait, hold on. Let's stay here. Are there any good looking 80 year olds? I mean, Clooney's probably going to be. Wait, I thought you were saying he was 80. No, no, no. He will be 80 and then he'll be good looking. What is the age where it crosses over?

Sean Connery was pretty good looking at an old age. No, he was pretty good looking until he hit a certain age. I don't think there was any good looking 80-year-olds anywhere. Impossible to be good looking at 80. Oh, man. So I've got half a life's worth of good looks left? I think it can happen before 80. 80's the guarantee.

Oh, man. You can slip right into ugly any time before. Any moment now. Any moment from 40 to 80. You can slip right in. You just wake up. Am I ugly? Yes.

Look away. Yeah, there are no good-looking 80-year-olds. Is Richard Gere going to be? He's got to be getting up there. No, they all look awful. Richard Gere is 73.? He's got to be getting up there. No, they all look awful. Richard Gere is 73. I'm looking at them. That's your closest one.

I'm looking at just the list of the most beautiful 80-year-olds. Okay, what do we got there? Oh, they're just disgusting. I mean, just. Oh, no. It's all right. None of them know what a podcast is. Our demo is safe. We're okay. The 80-year-olds listening to this show. Now, Robert. I's all right. None of them know what a podcast is. Our demo is safe.

We're okay. The 80-year-olds listening to this show. I'm turning it off. Robert Redford's 86. Right now he is? Yeah. How's he looking? I mean.

He's looking all right? He's pretty cool. I'll bet eight years ago he was looking all right. Oh, goodness. He's gone. He's gone to the wood chipper. He's gone. He's gone.

He was gone. Oh, man. I don't want to get old. I'll bet 75 he was good looking. It's like the surface of Mars. Oh, mercy. All right. This is terrible news.

Yeah, we're on the way. We're all cute. We're on the way. We're all cute. We're on the way. I'm switching. I need to be good looking right now. I know it's temporary. There you go. Okay.

Give me devastatingly handsome good looks for at least like two decades. This is terrible news. I mean, apologies to all the people not listening. Let's go here. Jermichael from Patreon. Would you rather run out of chips or run out of dip first? I am probably one of the people that have,

I mean, it's a dumb question, but yeah, it's a super dumb question. It's a super dumb, what are you going to do with dip without chips? If the chips are gone, what are you, just get two fingers? Yeah, you're just scooping it up. Now, would that work with rock a little bit?

No, no, it would work with nothing. Yeah. if you don't have something to put in the dip then you've run out of both yeah i agree that one's an easy one i can eat the chips when the dip is gone maybe i don't like it maybe i'm not even gonna do it worst case scenario throw the chips away it's the same scenario as if i have dip left over and no chips because i'm finished there is no world right case closed here michael this this is we got it it's an easy one uh box top dan says would you rather be able to time travel an unlimited amount of times but never more than five minutes backwards or forwards or be able to sleep with a book under your pillow and wake up as if you had read the book with total comprehension.

That is such a cool way to do the instant reading. The idea that what if every night we went to bed and you're just picking a book off the shelf and slipping it under your pillow, and then you wake up with the knowledge. We'd be crazy smart. The other one, though, you're filthy rich. I mean, I was going to say. Live sports betting. Other than the sports betting side, which I knew I would not get out ahead of.

Yeah. But other than being able to. Let's take that out. Take no financial gain. No financial gain. I'm going to go so far as to say with financial gain, I would take the book. Oh, long-term financial gain. 365 books a year you read because it's one a night.

So long as you make it to the library. But, yeah, I'd forget a few. I guess does it have to be a physical book? Yes. No, no, no. It can't be like a Kindle. No Kindle. No way.

No way. You've got to purchase or at least have in your possession. And be uncomfortable with the proportion of the book underneath. That's fair. Oh, man. You want war and peace? Go ahead. Oh, man. You've got to purchase or at least have in your possession. And be uncomfortable with the proportion of the book underneath. That's fair. Oh, man. You want war and peace? Go ahead. Oh, man.

You get it. You're waking up with a neck ache. I'm going to read a lot of Berenstain Bears so I can sleep well. I can only do the first two Harry Potters. They just got a little too big for me. Lord of the Rings, it's an uncomfortable night, but you know the whole book. I mean, that would be genuinely incredible. I wish, you know, to have that kind of knowledge, you know, you can go back and forth. You can go from an awesome fiction where you're just basically having the most epic dream of all time

all the way to a self-help book where it's like, man, I'm not such a procrastinator anymore. Self-help. Self-help book. Self-elf. Self-elf. Self-elf. I heard self-elf. Self-elf. You can only read elf books. You can read them every night. When I wake up, I know where that elf is on the shelf because I read the book.

I want the book one. I want the book one. I do too. I think that's really cool. Can we invent this? All right. No. Okay.

We can't. Can we take that neuro... what's he what's elon doing these neural link can we neural link some books up in there i have thought get rid of the pigs so you know how like we always have these wild and crazy ideas from the time we're kids and i bring up like you know like for instance uh talking to chat, you know, GPT. And one of my first questions was, you know, will teleportation be able to exist in the future? Which, you know, TBD. What did chat GPT say? Said is not outside the realm of possibility in the future with a couple of more technological breakthroughs, but probably not. Anyways. But since I was a little kid, I always thought that the biggest invention, the biggest way to move forward is to do something to us while we sleep.

Now, it started really stupid, which was stretching because I was always inflexible. I'll take it. I was like, let me go to bed in a machine and you just stretch me. It's such wasted time. And people get to bed in a machine and you just stretch me a little it's such wasted time eight out and people get to bed earlier they probably get better sleep if they knew it was doing something for them right we've got to find a way as a people as scientists as the smarter community to capitalize on our sleepy time what if it was you can sleep uh if you sleep over 10 hours you get two books I'm happy

with one book what about what's a nap worth a couple chapters an app oh man a nap if we could invent something while we sleep

to that would be so valuable even the abs thing just give me abs while we sleep to that would be so valuable even the abs thing just give me abs while i sleep exactly let me do my workouts let me do my workouts do education teach me something just take advantage of all this time that i'm not conscious huh come on scientists so if you saw a really fit person would you be like man they sleep a lot is that what it oh they committed to sleep all right let's uh let's move on the situation realm The Situation Realm.

All right, Luke, from the website, you are now the leader of the free world. Yes. And Superman appears at the White House to hang out with you and says he is at your disposal for the next 24 hours. What tasks do you get him to do, knowing that everything that is done counts towards your legacy as a president so you're building a legacy with superman for 24 hours you'll do anything right i know my first one i know my first one and i can't i don't know a second one but let's hear your first one mike

my first one i'm getting in a space, and he's bringing me to the moon. See, my first thought was to go to other planets. And I will be the first president to give an address from the moon. Oh, so you're going to tie it into the presidency. Yeah. So that way your legacy is. What's, oh, it's escaping me now. I'll do the State of the Union.

From the moon. From the moon. No, that'd be sweet. It would be sweet. You're never taking that away from me. But I also feel like, you know, Andy was right. He said other planets. Sure.

People have been on the moon before. Be the first man on Mars. Okay, that's fine. That's better. Same idea. Same concept. For me, it was, like, I don't know what kind of an artist. How fast can Superman fly?

I'm on it. As fast as he wants. No, I mean, like, because there, because there's actual limitations, right? He seemed to get where he needed to go pretty quick, even if it was the moon. But the moon, comparatively to Mars, is very close. I mean, if you want me to look it up, back in the 30s, he was about 100 miles an hour. But then various sources say his speed sound 770 he can move faster than 186 000 miles per second okay he was able to turn time back i know but what's the actual canon

how fast 770 is is the speed of sound which would take too much time to get to mars yeah that would be no he can go way faster than that can he yeah i Yeah. I don't know where to look up for him, but my Superman can do anything. But I mean, let's think about other legacies. Is there a way that Superman, if he were real, could solve world hunger in 24 hours? Like if you gave Superman at that speed... Because he can't replicate things, right?

Correct. No. My Superman can. You can. Right. How many buildings can you see through in 24 hours? You're talking about if there is a world criminal that you need to be found, that would be a big one, right? Take him to justice.

Sure. It's kind of Superman's thing, is the justice thing. Oh, Vlad. Yeah. I don't know what kind of artist superman is i would imagine incredible and i'm gonna have him laser eyes me into a mountain into rushmore no no i'm making a new one a new rushmore absolutely full body i'm having okay okay i like where this is going. Abraham Lincoln. He's on it.

I'm on it. Cause Abe Lincoln. Oh, it's not just you? No, no, no. Because I want to be. He wants to be associated with. It's like Lincoln, Michael Jordan. Yeah.

Yes. That's what I'm talking about. And Jim Carrey. And Jason. Yeah. I might throw Einstein in there as well. Oh, just. These are the people that you view yourself through that lens.

I'm just saying you've always been a einstein lincoln jordan combo that's what i've always thought of myself as it's this new it's this new monument yeah and things that you could totally build he's gonna laser me into a new mountain maybe just the the opposite side of rushmore and then which side you going to can you write the one are you going to? Can you write? The one made by Superman? Yeah. Can you write an executive order to just build your own Rushmore of yourself? Like, no president's done that.

That's always been in commemoration. But, like, if you became president, could you, like, I'm on the $200 bill. I'm on my own new Mount Rushmore. We are making a new Statue of Liberty. Mr. President, it seems that the military budget has been cut by 50%. Right. Like, yeah. I want to be remembered.

But check out that statue. Don't worry about that. In other unrelated news, we're building a new mountain statue. I wonder. I just don't see a lot of practical use for Superman outside the moon. So, yeah, we're all going to the moon. Because it's the time limits that problem. I think what you have to do is you have to have him show an act of power so that people know this is superman

he is legit and you've got to get a recording could he of him saying to the other you know world leaders like could he deep pants them all well he certainly could he could so but you just about anything. But I'm saying- Like Superman's doing your voicemail? I would make a threat video. They don't know. Oh, that you only have for 24?

Superman's not doing that? No, he would just make a supportive video saying, I support- And then you just cut it up. Jason Morton. You make Superman say- Hi, it's Superman. Prepare to die if all he said was that i support president jason moore and it you know i i will defend him as seen by this statue i built of him yes exactly i'll defend

him and you make that recording which is true in that moment and then you just proliferate that out they don't know this superman's gone superman yeah mine is um i don. They don't know that Superman's gone. Is he super smart? Superman? Yeah. Mine is. I don't know. That's a good question. I would say maybe above. Could he go back in time for you? Superman is not known for being, like there's a lot of superheroes that have these. He's not Batman.

He's not the world's greatest detective. Yeah, because he's so dumb that he just puts glasses on and no one knows who he is. Yeah. I mean, when you're that strong, you don't need to be a smart guy. Have you heard his voice, though? It's me, Superman. All right. This is one flaw.

That's a good SNL sketch. Oh, yeah. It's like Superman comes in, but he's got- Or Batman, because the voice is always so nice. And they just have this terrible, terrible voice. Hey, it's me, Batman. Mr. Clean from Patreon, another situation for us. You are now able to snap your fingers and instantaneously have completed one of the following personal hygiene tasks whenever you want.

The tasks would be performed the best way possible that you or someone else could have done for you. Which are you choosing? So you snap your fingers and you have brushed your teeth. You snap your fingers and you have pooped and peed. Okay. You snap your fingers and you have cut your nails. You snap your fingers and you have showered.

You snap your fingers and you have shaved and groomed. You snap your fingers and you have showered you snap your fingers and you have shaved and groomed you snap your fingers you have a fresh haircut or you snap your fingers and you have applied moisturizer one of these things is not nearly someone having a problem back there mr clean does not like putting lotion on you have you ever tried to do i mean like i've used lotion sparingly right when you feel like you need it but it's always localized. Are you guys full body lotion? No. I am face lotion

for sure. Okay. And then really do you a face lotion to Jason? I wish I was more of a face lotion but yes when I lotion it's my face and then I do arms and shins shins. Yes. Yeah. Knee down. He's got the itchiest shins on earthins? Yes. Yeah, knee down. He's got the itchiest shins on earth.

Do you suffer from dry shin? It's more of the what areas are visible. Interesting. I'll do my hands if my hands are dry. Oh, dude. Hand lotion is, it feels so bad. This would have been Al's perfect chance to say, I had no idea you used lotion, Jackson. I hate having... This would have been Al's perfect chance to say,

I had no idea you used lotion, Jackson. So these are all cool, but the problem I have with some of these... I can narrow this down to two. Yeah, there's two, and I narrowed my two down to one, so I know where I'm going. The poop and pee? No, the poop and pee is me time. Shower?

I need that time. I love showering, so no, I don't want to cut that out. Those are my two. Those are my two finalists. Those are the two final pee is me shower i need that time i love showering so no i don't want to cut that out those are my two those are the two finalists for me too those i don't want those out of my life okay so which one are you going with brushing brushing my teeth because here's why not because it takes a long time yeah but if i can do that instantly at any point i just ate boom i just brush my teeth i'm worried oh is my breath stink teeth. Oh, you wake up after a long night's sleep? I wake up after a nap. Boom.

I just brushed my teeth. You're building your sub and they're like, sir, would you like onions? Extra. Yeah. Put them in there. Because blam. Ain't worried about it. What's that?

Beef jerky? That's going to get all in my teeth. Don't care. Boom. Brushed my teeth. Popcorn? Not a problem. Yeah.

Anything. I think it would be. You should brush more. By the time I am 80, my chompers will be healthy will be good like everything else like it would be great to have a perfect haircut but my hair real good teeth yeah that's true at 80 i will be the ugly guy um yeah i mean everything else there's there's some upside and some downside i don't see a downside to brushing my teeth instantly whenever I want, snap my fingers, fresh breath.

Yeah, that'd be pretty nice. I mean, it is a routine you have to do every day, and it takes time. You know, the haircut one is nice, but it's not used as often, although I guess you'd use it every day. Yes, you would. You'd have a perfectly, and you never have to go get a haircut, and you don't have to pay for it. If if i was mike that would have been what i picked but like a haircut can only do so much for my thinning hairline so i was like when i get a nice do you get haircuts still

yes i get you know i'll get a nice fade and it looks all six of them get cut it looks oh there it is but here's the thing i mean with do they. Do they go, oh, when they do the. When you walk in. So cute. With getting a haircut, though, that comes with a style. So your hair will be cut optimal length and styled just like you left the barber. The absolute best that you can do. Andy has lost it over.

I'm not sure. The absolute best. I'm just imagining a new chain of barbers that only cater to men on the end, at the end. And it's just like, the tagline's like,

at least you're still here. It's like, are you thinning? Get in. It's the quickest haircuts of all time. They can take an appointment every five minutes.

Just sit down. Great. You look so much better.'ll be it's only five dollars five dollars a haircut because it's you know they're probably on social security nobody smiles in there no no this is a somber everything is are not allowed the whole building is just gray scale no color in that room at all just sadness yeah the music they play somber funeral music a perfect styled haircut for me that looks like a three out of ten so so you're you're i get that you you enjoy the time of when you have to do bodily waste elimination. But if you could just snap and it's done, like no emergencies ever.

The older I get. You can change how you eat. I mean, all the stuff where you're like, my tum-tum doesn't allow me to eat that stuff anymore. If I don't have to worry about my proximity to a bathroom, then I just eat what I want. When you get older and things start to fall out. Well, I just meant you start to get more swollen.

More trips to the bathroom. More trips to the bathroom are gone. You're sleeping through the night. There's a lot of advantages here. I totally get that. And showering, you always smell good. I would have to lie about I would have to hide that I can do this. Because I need my escape time.

You know what I mean? That time where it's like, daddy's pooping. You've been pooping for 10 minutes. It's like you're on a road trip with the world's largest soda. Just taking care of it. And that's how you get exposed. Like, how does dad never go to the bathroom? Now, if you love your showering and you love your pooping,

how long are your freaking mornings when your family doesn't see you? Oh, I'm up at 3 a.m. And ready to leave the house by 8. Okay. All right. And that's usually just all two jobs. You need to kill two birds. You need a poop shower.

I need a poop toilet. You need a shower and a toilet in a poop toilet. You need a shower in a toilet in the shower. Has anyone ever done a wet room with a toilet in there? Wait, would I actually like that? It sounds disgusting. I mean, I think technically it would work. There's no reason why it wouldn't work. Of course it would work.

But then you would just... Because your toilet's always clean. You're flushing everything away. It's not like I'm pooping down the drain. I'm pooping into a toilet. It's on the back of the shower. You might like slip and slide off. Would it cause you to not be able to go to the bathroom as easily if you're being pelted by the shower? Or is it relaxing?

Maybe number two. Number one, make it easier. Oh, right. Because that water. Yeah. So I'm just thinking like you could you could do this we could do this would it be easier to add a toilet to your shower or a shower to your toilet room um i mean yeah i think i want the toilet in the shower yeah that's got to be the way

need that drain this is the way but then you're then if the toilet in the shower. Yeah, that's got to be the way. Need that drain. This is the way. But then if someone's in the bathroom, the shower doesn't have a door for privacy. Come on in. No. And we're done. All right. I need the two in privacy. What were your picks? I think I'm going to take the poo and the penis.

Yeah, I lean that way too. Although, the shower would be very convenient. It would be great. Just after working out, just snap. Or just the bad day. It's the afternoon. You're like, I'd like to be clean right now. Yeah.

It always feels nice. Here's the question, though. Let's say we all have the showering ability. Okay. How often do you actually snap your fingers? Well, let me ask you this. Because you do have to do your hair afterwards. Oh, that was the question.

Oh, your hair's just instantly wet? Yes, you do have to do your hair. It's just you're fresh out of the shower. Oh, then I don't use it almost ever. If you can't be dry, then... Okay, you have to do your hair, but you're dry. Okay. But how often would you actually try to use it?

Three times? I was going to use it about 50 times a day. Right. But now, the second I snap my fingers, my hair's undone. Yeah. And so I won't use it. I mean, that's the least that you should have to do. So then, no, I'll probably use it twice a day.

Mickey from the website, you're now the only person on Earth with 30 hours in a day. Nice. During your extra six hours, all other people are frozen in time, but the rest of the world moves normally. What time would you select to pause the world and inject your extra six hours of you time? So what part of the current 24 hour cycle would you choose to insert that time?

Okay. So you've got a 24 hour day. I'm going to inject six hours of silence or of just I'm there. I have one strategy. One strategy could be inserting it at about midnight. For sleep. And then I almost don't have to sleep during any time when everyone else is not frozen. Right. Right? Because I could like, if six hours was good enough,

I could sleep during the six hours of me time, and I pretty much can stay up the rest of the time, which means I still get quiet. If it is six hours where I am alone every single day, I need light. I need it to be bright. I need to be able to go places and and and enter but what would you do well i mean what are you doing like playing a golf playing playing 18 by yourself sure i mean that's something i could do i feel like if you do it at midnight

you're cutting out any of those type of opportunities you're not going to go to the ocean or you know okay i get it you want to use those hours you're saying you want to use your solitude i do i want to use that time for something practical um and if it's every day it's going to be different you know maybe i could pick six hours a day where you weren't there well you could what time would you at this point you tell me i won't be there. So, Mike, which direction do you lean? I've been going through it. Because I get that.

Do you put it in the morning because you feel like you're most productive? Do you want a break in the middle of the day to take an afternoon nap or just move away? Or, like you were saying, enhance the sleep at night. It actually doesn't matter when you put the sleep. I don't know why I said it had to be midnight. It doesn't matter. Right?

Right. You can put the six hours anywhere and then you get your sleep in. I think I'm going to put it in the middle of the day. Just get a little break? Yeah, I'm going to go. Noon? Three o'clock. Oh, three o'clock.

Yeah. So after lunch, now are you eating? Yeah, I'm going to eat. Why wouldn't I eat at lunch? It's six hours, man. No, no, I mean, are you eating during this? Oh, of course'clock. Yeah. So after lunch, now are you eating? Yeah, I'm going to eat. Why wouldn't I eat at lunch? It's six hours, man. No, no, I mean, are you eating during this? Oh, of course I'm eating. I'm just thinking about you coming back out of it.

Are you running too close into dinner? That's all I was worrying about. Oh, man, that's really thoughtful. You may gain too much weight if you put it at the wrong time. I'll gain too much weight no matter where I put it. That I can be sure of. Okay. Mike, your final answer?

I'm going to put it in the morning. All right. The Spitballers Draft. I don't know where this draft is going to go. I really don't. We're drafting the best hand gestures. There are a lot of different gestures. There are a lot of kind of nerdy gestures, I think.

Sure. That don't get used a lot. And I'm not sure whether you pick it based on. Like, I have the first pick. I have no idea what the number one is. And I don't know if it's a better hand gesture if it's used more often in society. I don't know if it's a better hand gesture just because I like it. That's what I.

Even if it's underused. This is a personal choice, man. It's your own ranking system. I'm just telling you how I'm thinking about it. I'm going to go with kind of a layup here at the 101 because you have a bunch of picks before I pick again.

I feel like I need kind of like, I don't know, the veteran on the team. I'm going to go with thumbs up. Yeah, okay.'t know, the veteran on the team. Okay. So I'm going to go with thumbs up. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to go with the thumbs up. The thumbs up.

It's a good pick. It's a great communication. I mean, you can communicate long distances with the thumbs up. It's very visible. Now, does it come with the thumbs down? Nope. That's a separate pick? It doesn't, but I had a pick that would have. Had it come to me, my 101 was the gladiator thumb.

No. And you know what that means. No, that's a hand gesture. That is absolutely a hand gesture. No, it's a hesitation before a gesture. Yeah, the gladiator thumb. I do this all the time to my kids. They ask me a question, and I go up or down.

That's two gestures. Oh, man. I disagree. One's a thumbs up, one's a thumbs down. You've been outruled. But clearly, you're revealing it because is once a thumbs up once a thumbs down you've been outruled but clearly you you're revealing it because you know that thumbs up is part of it and you can't take it so thumbs up is my pick okay mike you're on the clock uh everybody have you heard the word oh no because you're taking the bird

my 101 look ladies and gentlemen it's the forbidden action in the right household, but sometimes you've got to get your point across. But not for the wrong household. Sometimes you have to get your point across that you are voicing your displeasure with someone, and it is, in fact, the bird. Oh, man. Tweet, tweet. It's often called the opposite of the thumbs up.

The bird makes sense as a pick here. Yeah, yeah. I had it written as the middle finger. I mean, I certainly would. Those are the two. Poor birds out there getting lumped in. Why is it called the bird? I don't know.

It's the. I don't know. Like flipping the bird. It's flight off your hand. I don't know. I don't know. Like flipping the bird. Intense flight off your hand? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You're a bird.

Look that up. I'm looking into it. All right. Jason, with two picks here. The bird is not there. I'm really upset because the thumbs and the bird, the finger and the thumbs, those were magical picks. I mean, good job, guys.

Yeah. I feel... You could go with the uh tea drinking pinky yeah it's uh the sophistication very sophisticated not on my list uh man there's a real tear break here everything else everything else kind of sucks but um didn't you say you had 15 oh i've 15, but it's like there's two great ones, which was the gladiator thumb, which was one gesture. It is not. Where would you have ruled on that one?

I'm sorry. I was reading about the bird. On the gladiator thumb, Jason thinking gladiator thumb means he gets wavering and then up and down. That's two gestures. Well, then I would have taken it at my turn here. I'm going to be surprised he doesn't take the sign language alphabet in its totality based on that. All right.

I'm going to take one that I could use right now because I'm mad at all of you. And I'm taking the shh. Oh. Hush your mouth, son. That's a good pick. It's not even on my list. It's a good pick, and you didn't duplicate any of our fingers or thumbs. That's true.

You're the first one to the index finger. The index finger is there. Nice pick. Not on my list. Yeah, not on my list. Thank you. And then I'm going to stick with the fingers to the mouth. Okay.

And I'm going with a chef's kiss. Oh, okay. I used that. Oh, that was not on my list either. Yes, I do have that one on there. When things are great, whether it be food or otherwise. I feel like you must use that a lot. Yeah, I actually do.

Give that move. Now, you don't get any sound with it. Well, sure you can. It's a hand gesture. The hand gesture is fine, but I'm just doing a completely separate sound at the same time, unrelated to the hand gesture. Okay. I'm also, you know if you can yell things

while you flip the bird it's a good it's a good pick and if someone was in their car with the window up and you did that they would still understand what you're saying yes without the kiss so it works so mike it's back to you bird was your word are you are you gonna lighten things up right on this team i got my 102 it came back um look i know what you're doing do you i think i do i mean look i'm i'm a rock and roll feller i'm tatted up it's the rock and roll horns my friend i knew it absolutely rock on yeah i think the bird and the rock on is going to be a popular combo popular combo oh do we have an answer owl where do we even need to know where the bird came now let's let's leave that off here okay oh that means it's a good answer i have to pick uh a couple

picks here i need to match the bird the best i can because mike is mike is made a negative pick in terms of like the meaning right you're using that gesture to send a message and i need to send a message or i'm telling people they're number one but you're not with that finger that's a totally different hand gesture yeah that's true i need to send a message and if i can't if i'm in the car if i'm in the car and i need to send a message and i can't send it with the bird i'm gonna do oh no i'm gonna do the slit your throat you're dead look i'm out i don't have the bird to go to oh that's yes that's not on my list but look i'm going with the the throat slit that is good i mean it wasn't on my list

either it's edgy yeah yeah it is i mean that. Have you ever pulled that on someone? It's murderous. Have you ever done that to someone? Like, you are dead. Yeah. Not in seriousness, though. Like, on the road, I'm sure we've all gotten the bird before. We've all probably given a bird or two in our lifetime. I have never looked out my car window and gone, yeah.

I have never looked out my car window and gone, yeah. If I looked over and saw someone give me the slit your throat hand motion, I would turn. I would just immediately turn. If I'm on the freeway, I will slam on my brakes. I will put it in reverse. I'm out of here, man. That guy wants to kill me. I had to counter the bird, man.

I don't care how edgy it is. Oh, man. That is so extreme. I'm going to kill you. You just selected I'm going to kill you. I did. So we got thumbs up. That's happy. We got the throat slit.

That's less good. My next pick is it's a bit of a risk every time you do it. But, I mean, from a gesture standpoint, I've done it a lot, and it is the anticipatory high five. Oh, okay. I'm going up with the – I'm looking for the high five. Signal for the high five, sure. Now, the rest is up to you.

Right. And if you leave me hanging, that looks stupid. Oh, you got another hand. So five. That's what I do. Whenever whenever i get left hanging it's always you give yourself you finish it 100 it's got to be completed okay once you have signaled the the hand slap i think the high five is to happen it's a it's a nice gesture yeah it's all right mike sports fans mike you are rocking on with one hand could you imagine the bird with the other. Could you imagine sporting events without high fives?

Oh, gosh. That would be the worst. Yeah, actually, that would not work. I need to celebrate and slap hands with strangers. We are a very visceral people. I remember when the pandemic was going on. I really did think it was the end of like the handshake and the high fives and stuff like people would just start fist bumping

be a little it's all back in full form because it's just natural you just do it yeah we've moved on what's a pandemic yeah who needs that all right with my third one here so the bird we got the rock on and this is some i don't know when it happened to me but this is now my hand gesture of choice of just like what i'm saying oh yeah it's okay i hit people i go with the hang i had i go with the hang loose or i think shaka might be called that as well the pinky and the thumb extended and you rock it back and forth i mean you've you've got the... And you just let people know, yeah. I thought... You might be the coolest hand gestures here. Yeah, I thought you were going to go hang loose instead of the rocker.

I got them both. Because I've seen you do the hang loose before. I've never seen you do the rocker. It's because I go through periods. There were times where it was a lot of the horns going up. Okay. Jason, two picks left for you. Okay.

All right. Don't blow it. Oh, I will. There's a lot of mediocre things I could go with here, but I feel like you guys all have your negative. Flip the bird. I'm going to murder you. Same, same. Same, same. I you same same same isn't exactly no it can be very disrespectful it can be and i intend to use it that way

um in addition to that i'm gonna go with i'm watching you the two fingers to the eyes and then point at you. You just need to know I'm on to you. I'm watching you. I like it. I use that with my kids a lot. If I'm somewhere else, I'll hit them with the, I'm watching you. Eat them broccoli.

So you're at the dinner table? Try this with the broccoli. Oh, I'm going to murder you. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Maybe I'll try that with the broccoli. Oh, I'm going to murder you. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Maybe I'll try that with my children. So I'm watching you. That's a good one.

Okay. And then I feel like I am a little jealous of the high five. We got the sporting events and we are competitive people. And I don't know if I could live without a good fist pump. I mean, you know, I make a good Tiger Woods. Yeah, exactly. The Tiger Woods, the celebratory, whether you're out at an event, someone else does something.

Well, that's a fist pump, not a fist bump. Correct. Fist pump. Yeah, no, that's a good gesture. Yeah, that's pandemic acceptable. Yes. Now, that's not the same thing as I'm going to get you. No, that's shaking.

That's not a pump. I'm not shaking a fist. I'm fist pumping. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, I'm celebrating my great pickleball shot. These are all really good picks. This has been a pretty good draft. You let me know if we need to go five or not.

All right. Mike, you have been the cool kid. I mean, you're on the surfboard. We're going to keep it going, man. We're going to keep it going. Because when you're leaving, you got to chuck up the deuces. You hit them with the peace sign. The peace sign.

Deuces. That's for Owl. All right. Thank you. The peace sign. I didn't think you could put four together this good. The peace sign is so good because peace sign could be, I mean. Did you have a peace sign phase at your school? Because there was a. Oh, yeah. There was like a two-year period where it was everyone used because peace sign could be, I mean. Did you have a peace sign phase at your school?

Because there was a. Oh, yeah. There was like a two-year period where it was everyone used the peace sign to say goodbye. And it can do so many things of like, it can be. It can be a hello. It can be the full-on like hippie, like peace. Hey, man, this is my symbol of we're going to be mellow. You could be really aggressive, like peace out.

Or you just chuck up the deuces. I mean, it's very versatile. I'm going to close it out with the A-okay. Everything's okay? Everything's okay. I feel like it's one of the maybe powerhouse gestures that just didn't get picked. There's a couple.

I mean, we can go one more round. If you want. Let me look at my list to make sure I got another cool guy one. Or we can end it. I mean, that's fine. But I think okay. I think that is okay. I think that's a okay.

So thumbs up. Man, I got a real wild card right there in the middle. The throat slit. I love it. High five and then an okay. Mike has the bird. Rock on, hang loose, and peace sign. Jason with the shh and the chef's kiss.

And then I'm watching you and the fist pump. Very nice, very nice. That's a fun one. Any honorary mentions that you guys want to throw out there? Oh, I mean, so many. Let's see. The point? Nobody went with the point.

Pointing was actually the first thing I wrote down, but then as I got through them i liked other ones uh i had i mean like i love you is a classic yeah yeah classic signal um now you now for the listeners that was the three finger i love you not the hand gesture of i you know you you touch your eye and then your heart and then you. That's just a you thing. That's not a you thing. I love you. Who does that? Yeah.

That's a very normal thing. But it's three gestures. I love you. Brooks, not surprised you would try to jam them all together. I don't know that one. I know the one where you make a heart with your. Yeah, but that's a heart. That's not the I love you where you have the index pinky up and the thumb out. No, I don't know either of those.

By your math, then I'm watching you as two gestures. One where you point to yourself. Actually, I'm watching you. I've always done it with you keep the two fingers the whole time. I've noticed that in you before. Yeah, I've always thought that it's this way. That's how I do it too. You go to a point.

You went to a point, which is two gestures. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. You people. I think we covered most Oh, my goodness. You people. I think we covered most of the big ones. Well, hold on. I want to see if Owl's on his game right now because there's another good gesture. Oh, the finger guns?

Oh, he's not. Oh, there they are. I did think about going with the point with the thumb out. Yeah. That's a different point than the... You got to do that. Oh, yeah. You do need to click. Two fingers up. One more round.

One more. You do the circular motion. You got blow a kiss. Good entry here. The salute. Oh, even a casual salute. Not even a formal. Oh, you got the two-figure salute. My salute is usually a tip of the

cap. That's what I, you know. There's a lot. Is a wave? We didn't get to wave. Waving is plain Jane. I had waving and clapping as unsure if those, like. Clapping is not a hand gesture. It can't be a golf clap. What would you call it? Oh, maybe a golf clap if you

don't hear it is a gesture. Yeah. I like that. It's a gesture that makes sound. You got raise hand. Just be called upon. Uh-huh. Excuse me. Okay. You got a stop.

Uh-huh. With the hand out and stop. Yeah. In the name of love. The raise hand, the stop, and the high five are the exact same gesture. You've also got this. Yeah. Yeah.

The come here. I love that we're a podcast and I'm referencing this. But the come here finger? I like to do more of the four finger. Get over here. Because there could be the come here, which is the one or two fingers insinuating, I need you to come over here.

We're going to talk. When you go whole hand, that's we're going to fight. What's the matrix? That's the whole hand. That's Mor over here. We're going to talk. When you go whole hand, that's we're going to fight. What's the matrix? That's all I am. We're going to fight. If you go more than two fingers, you're signaling we are going to fight. And unfortunately, there will be other hand gestures in that fight.

Like you're dead, I slit your throat. What did we learn today? I learned that all 80-year-olds are ugly. I learned that different version of I love you for the first time. Oh, that's what I was going to learn. Oh, no. Does he have nothing?

Well, I also learned that photography is just a minor skill. That's right. I also learned that we're on to something with this poop shower idea. No, that's a different kind of shower. Okay. Goodbye, everybody. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to,

check out spitballerspod.com.