Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Space Swimming and Different Ways to Say Hello - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

Spit Hit for March 21st, 2024: Come on in! Pull up a chair as we talk about Andy’s badingy, sharky waters, and the thin rim. We also have ‘Life Advice’ on today’s show after a long break. We say goodbye to this episode after a draft of ‘different ways to say hello’. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Tire Discounter Group We deliver The new Michelin Defender II tire is designed to outlast. With a quiet and comfortable ride, you'll have the confidence you need on the roads, whether they're wet or dry. Find a Michelin tire dealer by visiting Tire Discounter Group's Tread Experts dealer locator at TireDiscounterGroup.ca slash locations. Tire Discounter Group TireDiscounterGroup.ca slash locations. Tire Discounter Group. TireDiscounterGroup.ca What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Howdy, howdy, come and get to know me, come on! Come and get to know me! Oh! Very nice, welcome in. I enjoyed it, but you'll be hearing from my legal team.

Oh, is this a repeat? No. Okay. But the come on at the end. Oh, trademark. That's my bedingy. Ah, I was unaware. You stole a man's bedingy.

You did. Oh, never steal a man's bedingy. Never, never. That is, well, I i mean it's perfect it's episode 225 mike you can enjoy my bedingy when i'm using it okay that's that is the uh the saying welcome in we're gonna do a show now we're gonna do a show now it's not technically you can't call it your bedingy because that violates my trademark. I was putting it in terms that he would understand. Yeah, terms that you cannot use.

Yes. Like Super Bowl, it's the big game. Right. So Bedingi, you're going to have to call it something else. Yeah, everybody. The big finish. Come on. Would you rather life advice, and we are drafting different ways to say hello on today's show.

So different greetings, different hellos. I like it. Yeah, it should be fun. Give you something to use in your day-to-day life. Yeah, just make your impact, your first impressions that much better or worse. Or worse. According to my list, potentially much worse than just a simple hello. Yes, yes.

At SpitballersPod on Twitter. Thank you for subscribing to the show, for following it, for leaving us a review, for telling your friends. This is episode 225 somehow. 225. Incredible.

The amount of wisdom we've... Making our way. We've doled out so much knowledge and wisdom and know-how that the world is clearly a better place yeah i was gonna say if you want to if you want proof of how good this podcast is look around and see how well the world is working and there's there's the proof exactly the charts are up would you rather would you rather question from jackson over on patreon would you rather? Would you rather?

Question from Jackson over on Patreon. Would you rather be able to breathe underwater or be able to breathe in space? Okay, now... Yeah, we got problems already. Of course. I think what this means is survive underwater or survive in space because breathing is one problem in space but breathing won't help when my body immediately freezes yes so is this the ground rules here are maybe survive underwater survive in outer space are we just getting breathing and nothing else because then that's

an easy underwater yeah but but you're having to make the assumption that you can get to space Right? So if you go And you go with surviving space There is still a technological I can go jump in the ocean right now Right Or even your pool But I can't go that deep Because of the breathing

No, because of the pressure The surviving underwater You're saying the pressure is irrelevant now? Yeah, well, the pressure is irrelevant just period. I mean, look at scuba divers. You acclimate to it. Like, eventually, you just do the thing where you close your nose and you blow out. Not to a certain degree.

Oh, scuba divers go very deep. Well, no, I mean, you can't. There's special submarines to go certain distances. So you certainly cannot go to the bottom of the ocean. You're talking about like a small difference near the top of the ocean. I'm going to see what's the deepest you can scuba. This is a great question. I'm not saying you can't acclimate and go deeper.

I'm just saying you can't really explore the way you'd want to due to pressure. Well, I'm going to disagree with you there, Well, I'm going to disagree with you there, which is once you get to where the pressure is really going to affect you, I would imagine it's dark. Yeah. And you're not exploring anything anyways. Swimmers can hit 20 feet. Experienced divers can safely dive to about 40 feet. Well, that's not scuba. Yeah, that's not.

Yeah, it's scuba divers. I looked up here. This is from oceanexplorer.noaa.gov. Technical divers may work in the range of 170 to 350 feet, sometimes even deeper. That sounds like they've got some special equipment. But nevertheless. While the recommended maximum. Yes, they are wearing scuba gear.

The recommended maximum depth for conventional scuba diving is 130 feet. Did you say the recommended depth? Depth. Oh, okay. Because that is also the recommended depth. Yes. Around 150 feet is the ideal depth to have a death. So, you know, this is you can go down.

But I agree. Obviously, in order to have this question have any relevance, you can also get to outer space. Well, I mean, then no one's taking the space. Well, no one's taking the ocean. No, I would still take the ocean. I don't think you recognize how incredibly boring infinite... It'll be incredible to see the Earth. You're up there. You see the Earth from space.

Unbelievable. You're done. You've explored everything from space. Unbelievable. You're done. You've explored everything you're going to be able to reach. Also, there's not enough cool stuff in the ocean to keep me coming back for more versus getting to. Every night I can go out and just chill and float around in space. But how do you move in space? This is why this whole question sucks. Hey, don't.

I'm just trying to break it down here for our fine supporter on our Patreon. The problem is it can get broken down 1,000 depths. Yeah. Or in your case, 150 feet. But that's what we're here to do. I mean, what do you mean how do you move? You're not getting anywhere in space. That's my point.

It's like if you're outside of the ship and you can just, we're saying you can survive in street clothes out in space, you still have no way to propel yourself. You can't like swim? No. Really? Even if you let, sure. Let them swim in space. Okay, fine. You're not covering enough ground.

No, no, no. Yes. No, obviously. That was my point. It's like once you see the earth and that's cool, there's nothing else you're going to be able to reach even if you can. But I want to rewind this for a second are you telling me like when you're out there if i were to like do the swimming motion correct i'm not propelling myself forward at all that is correct whatever force you were able to like that got you moving so you pushed the ship and then

which that's that's the end yeah that's you there's no gravity. You will continue to move that direction and that speed infinite. Yeah, forever. Until, I guess, you get pulled into a gravitational pull. Now, if you do the motion in the same direction in which you're propelling, it will look like you're swimming. Now, that's pretty cool. Space swimming is pretty sweet. I mean, this is a would-you-rather.

It's subjective. I'm formally going space because at the end of the day, yes, you can do more exploration in the water and see a couple things. That will get old as well. And you're going to have to swim to do it. And the ocean's pretty big. I just think at the end of the day, I'm going to want to go chill in space with that view more often than I want the ocean view. And that's all it is. Yeah, I mean, the view is spectacular um

from outer space but i want diversity and change i want to see the animal life and you know no sharks please uh well you can't get rid of the shark well you know i'm gonna not go in the sharky water just stay where it's safe so you're gonna you're going to have the ability to breathe underwater at shore. Yeah. Because everything else is sharky waters. You're going to see me two feet in the water laying face down. He's hiding in the coral. No problem.

He's just hiding in the coral. You are overlooking. You are instantly the world's greatest Marco Polo player. That's a good point, Mike. How could you overlook that? I'm dumbfounded that you that you did i mean jump above marco and polo yes and they're the only two in the list right now you'll be undefeated if you want to go into like synchronized swimming you you could you could be the best he may be talking you into space

um i also think that just simply using this in my pool in the backyard would be super cool i'm just i'm swimming underwater all day i'm impressing everyone so let's say you you have this power in the ocean and you're on like the deadliest catch right and you're working on the boat in the middle of the Bering Sea it's a it's a it's honestly the scariest landscape I've ever seen like that genuinely like the idea of stormy yeah dark black ocean with no land within thousands of miles and it's freezing in freezing cold now you jump off because it's like a party trick right everybody else is like doing their work and you're like peace and you and you leap off. Oh, no, I fell. And then you can survive in the ocean.

Yeah. But. We're saying temperature-wise, you can still survive. Yeah, same as space. Sharks can kill me. Yeah, but you're dying, right? Because you're going to not have food. There's plenty of food in the ocean.

Yeah, it's swimming all around you. You couldn't catch a thing. I could catch a fish. In the water? Is it filled with, like, Fiji water? Because you're going to need to drink, too. Yeah, I mean, look, there are problems, but I'm going to get back on that boat. Okay.

All right, Mike, what's your final answer here? You've got to move on. I'm taking the water. Yeah, that's stupid. I'll take the water. If I have to get the Costner gills from Waterworld, I'll still do that. I think you want the gills. You're darn right.

I think I was going to say, that's an upgrade. You're just wanting gills, man. It would be awesome. Also, total insult to your space-oriented, you know, you've always enjoyed space. Yes. And here you are with the chance to float around in it, pretending you're swimming. It's just floating around, and you're getting all the radiation. Like, it's a problem.

It's a problem. All right, Madison from Patreon, would you rather have – let's get back to something a little more up our alley. Yeah. Madison wants to know, would you rather have to poop in the middle of the woods with no toilet – Been there. Or have to poop in a public restroom with no toilet seat?

Public restroom, no toilet seat, that is as gross as it gets we're we're just saying so it's like the toilet is still there but you don't have the seat part you have to sit on the thin rim yeah the thin rim okay rim which look i'm gonna be honest with you i don't have the badonkadonk to handle a thin rim i'm going in i think that's a dive you got a dive. You got to change your orientation. I got to go one cheek up? No, you got to face. You got to face the tank. Whoa, I got to ride it like a horse?

Couldn't you still stay the same direction but just go super wide legs? Yeah, but I think that there'd be a problem. Yeah, you could go super wide legs. Super wide legs. You're saying a problem for for excavation i'm saying a problem evacuation i'm saying falling in excavation we're going in and getting it out there's a leverage thing there because you're still falling in yeah really yeah there's enough of a tipping point not for you okay yeah i've got the don'ters. I'll be fine, but I will be uncomfortable. You will. Just picture a really skinny person with long legs and a wide, thin rim.

Like, they can't really support themselves enough without dipping. That's fun for what I'm picturing. You're going in. Can you go to the bathroom submerged? In the water? Like, if you just kind of commit yourself to, like, I'm in the water. I could poop in that ocean. I mean, if I'm in the water. Yeah, absolutely. of commit yourself to like i'm in the water i could poop in that ocean i mean if i'm in the water yeah absolutely i'm just talking about a dip well i think i think that'd be pretty hard to overcome yeah mentally there would there would

be a there'll be some some red flags there to your body some backwash uh yeah he's getting in no but it's getting all over. It's not pleasant. This isn't something I'm asking for. Your butt cheeks are in there, so everything is contaminated immediately. I don't see the problem of pooping in the middle of the woods. No, that's what you do when you go camping. What? There's no one else out there.

But you have to find the woods. Or you instantly transport it. Yes, you're in the woods. What is this, Narnia? I go to my bathroom and it's the woods? No, I thought this was a question of a one-time event. Okay. You've got to go poop.

Which is the better place to poop is basically the question. The woods. I'm not a camper. Now, so when you're deucing in the woods, is this a squat? Yeah, it's just a squat. It's a squat. And you've got to use- I couldn't do it. You've got to use- I couldn't do it.

You've got to use leaves and stuff for a wipe. You're saying in this question, not when you're camping. I mean, I bring toilet paper when I go camping. No, you don't get teepee. In this question, you've got to use what you got. And the one real risk in the woods, and I've had this risk. There's a lot of risks in the woods. Just peeing in the wilderness, I've had this risk.

Bears. Well, yeah, that's risk. That's a lot of risks in the woods. Just peeing in the wilderness, I've had this risk. Bears. Well, yeah, that's risk. That's at the tippy top of the list. But just general animals slash pests. Yeah. Because midstream, if, you know. You hear a rattle? Mike, you just tweeted.

I was going to bring it up. Go ahead. I was in a restaurant the other day and went to use the bathroom. Congratulations. I don't know the story. Just a normal. It's not a huge story. You don't follow him on Twitter. It was just, went to use the bathroom just congratulations i don't know the story just a normal it's not not a huge story but it was on twitter it was just i go to the bathroom you know it's to stand up number one at the urinal okay i'm midst uh midst business and i look around there are multiple mosquitoes oh no flying around and i am mid i'm in the i'm in the middle of

things and a bit vulnerable. You got to stay focused. You're vulnerable. I'm very vulnerable. You don't have a mosquito net. No. There is no net protecting me. And I'm like.

You're blowing on them? Because my hands are occupied at the moment. You have to use both hands. I'm always told you're an impressive man now you said i mean you were pooping at the cabin and there was a spider and you oh my gosh it was the worst thing ever i'm you bidet yourself yes i'm mid-washing on a bidet i bidet myself because he leapt up i'm i'm i've got the bidet life and I'm cleaning the job that's been done. So I'm mid wash and there's a spider crawling towards my foot. I don't have voluntary actions at that point.

I am up out of that seat, but now I'm getting sprayed all over. And I wasn't like done with the wash. This is a real problem. I had to. Rewash? Oh, man. Well, I had to dry first and then rewash. The best part of that story was his entire family had just left the cabin.

Oh, yeah. So this is his first action alone in the cabin. Completely alone. Which I suppose is better. But in the woods, you're telling me you're able to maintain that squat position i think you can get there you are but there's there's two different ways you can do this okay one is you you have to completely release one leg from the pants you can't obviously squat yeah with the pants okay you probably should go full donald yeah yeah you cannot he's known for you cannot do the squat poop with the shorts around the ankles yeah i get that what about a crab position you can't. Where you're like on your hands and your feet with the back up?

Because then you can get away from animals. I think you brought up whether or not you could succeed with your butt being in the water or whether that would stop you. The crab position would be a full stop. Body would not allow that excavation process. The other option here, if you don't want to remove one leg from the pants, is you hold a tree and squat. Yeah, you squat backwards.

Yes. You're holding something. That's the preferred. Yeah, that's how I do it. That's what I would go with. That's not a backwards. That's just a squat while you're supported. Take a look in the Slack channel.

It's not backwards. Yeah, I'm seeing there's a lot of different.. That's not a backwards. That's just a squat while you're supported. Take a look in the Slack channel. It's not backwards. Yeah, I'm seeing there's a lot of different. They call it the pole dancer. Yeah, when you're holding on to the tree. That's the way I want to. That's how I do it, which is great. Wait, what do you mean how you do it? It presumes you've done it more than once.

Yeah, I've gone camping many a time. You've said you would hold it through a whole camping trip. I usually do. I usually can make it through a camping trip, three days, hold it. But sometimes you got to go. Yeah, I mean- The break dancers. You fellas have strong legs.

I think I will do all of these versus the possibility of tumbling into a public restroom toilet. You won't tumble in if you face the tank. I'm telling you. You'll be safe. He also won't poop. No. Not to mention the embarrassment of someone coming in and seeing my feet aiming that direction that would be so did you imagine sitting down and you just or walking by you see you sit down in the stall next to it and you look over the feet are facing the wall. I can't imagine what I would do in that moment. I think I would just have to laugh out loud immediately.

All right, we need to move on. I'm going to take the middle of the woods for lack of embarrassment. Final answers? I'm in the woods. I've got my technique. Okay. Benny from Twitter, would you rather be able to talk to ghosts or be able to walk through walls?

This is presuming that ghosts exist. That's a big part of this question because I might be able to talk to ghosts right now. Here's the thing. If you're going to take the talk to ghosts, I mean, I guess you could gather information, but that is you start with the, are ghosts real? Perhaps you believe in them. you don't but here's

the thing nobody's gonna believe you that you say you're talking to ghosts right yeah i mean you just you just look like you're talking to nobody what is the advantage of walking through walls it's awesome uh bank robbery well I guess you can't carry your materials. No. What are the rules about walking through walls? Do your clothes go with you? I think the clothes have to go with you. You're not leaving the clothes up against every wall you go through.

Well, it was just the first one. Well, you got to put clothes on in the next room. You better be walking through a wall to a closet, brother. That would be a nuisance. You'd have a robe hanging up in every room. But I mean, that would then imply it's whatever you're touching can go. Yeah, you can bring everything with you. So then I can rob a bank.

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, but then you're a bank robber. You're still. I could. I could, police. Walking through walls does not mean you get away with a bank robbery oh you're still on camera no no if you're yes you do because unless they put you to death you escape every prison

yeah you cannot be contained if you can walk through walls also you're never contained so you just walk up to the back you don't have to go through the lobby you just you just go up to the back of the bank where the vault is and walk through. You don't think there's cameras in the vault? You don't think I'm wearing a mask? Okay. All right. I didn't think you were wearing a mask. You're one step ahead of me already. You are quite a white-collar criminal over here, Mike.

The wall one would be very valuable. The ghost one is ridiculous. I mean, I don't know. I don't want to talk to ghosts. If know i mean what i don't want to talk to ghosts if ghosts are real i don't want to talk to them let's set a default for what if i say today if i tell you the breaking news on the front headline of the paper it says ghosts exist okay and you are now making your presumption of what that means. What does it mean? Because it could mean friendly relatives from the past or ghosts that still live and walk around you. It could be horror oriented.

It could just be anything. What are you thinking about? If it says ghosts exist and this is now tomorrow morning, ghosts exist. Confirmed. That is, to me, that means dead people who are stuck in some bad state are now among us. Because they haven't moved on? Yeah. Like, that's my mental picture. Or they're just in the next level.

Sure, but that's not my mental. My mental picture is that they are trapped and sad and upset. They haunt things because they don't have anything else to do. there's only one friendly ghost that's been established that's casper outside of that they're haunters yeah you wouldn't have to say it would just be casper the ghost if they if you knew that they were going to be friendly you had to qualify it so you're so all of your unfriendly so your relatives they they turn on you well they're not ghosts hopefully look i had once my relatives get to a certain age, they're already upset. And that's while they're alive.

You think they're happier dead? They're going to be grumpy. Yeah, you don't get to eat when you're a ghost. Are you just hungry all the time? You're hungry? Oh, man. Yeah, I mean. What a nightmare.

I love eating. So, I mean, what do you think of when you say a ghost? Are you going to, what's the Patrick Swayze movie? Ghost. Oh, yes. Man, there was this movie about ghosts. Real popular. He did a lot of ghostly things as a ghost.

Right. The name of the movie was Ghost. Yes, it was. Great movie. But in that one, I one, he was just like... Was he trying to get back? I don't think I've ever seen Ghost. I think he was just trying to protect her from being...

To find who killed him. He was killed in a robbery and he was trying to help her find who killed her. I think all ghosts are people... As soon as you're a ghost, you're in a Victorian outfit. That's a good point. Okay. Only old-timey people can be ghosts. Now, I think that will change hundreds of years from now, right?

No. You think that's it. So when we, you and I, pass on, if we stay as ghosts, we are now in Victorian outfits. That is correct. Now, what about people before the Victorian era? They also became Victorian outfits? So it was like a preview? Cavemen inherited a beautiful Victorian robe.

Yes. Incredible. Well, facts. I will take walking through walls for a thousand, please. Walking through walls is awesome. Should we move on or do we have time for another? Let's do one more. Okay.

Josiah from the website. Would you rather always have magical access to the most luxurious and clean bathroom ever? Wow, we're in the bathroom again. Or never need to change to charge any battery ever again? Would you rather always have magical access to the most luxurious and clean bathroom ever? So you never have to worry about public restrooms. Anytime you're out, you just transport to this really nice bathroom. I see the benefits from that.

I'm trying to figure out the battery part. Well, the battery, I mean, I get that. Like an electric car, okay. You can drive it forever. Well, you don't have to charge your cell phone. Yeah. Oh, no. I've been so inconvenienced. That time where I'm- You never have to charge your cell phone yeah you're no you're you're so i've been so inconvenienced

that time where i'm you never have to take that watch where i'm not awake can't use my phone i just charge it there's there are times talk me into this there are times that you have had your battery low there's no way you have an experience like oh man i'm running low i need to charge i forgot to charge i think it'd be more about the innovation if you knew that that was your power then you could you could get anything battery powered and it would be infinite for you your laptop's good I mean literally at CES they did you see these battery powered televisions that they have I did not these are amazing so their their battery their their hot swap batteries that each battery will give you six hours a day of TV use for a month. And so the TVs have no wires, and the TVs have like a little vacuum suction on the back,

so you can pick them up, and you can put them anywhere. I don't understand. And they have a pump that suctions the back. So we no longer have to do all the annoying mounting of a TV. There's nothing like that. So that part is, that's awesome. Wait, I'm confused. The six hours a day for a month.

They're just saying that that would be the average. That's the average capacity for one battery. For one battery. And so you have one charging and you have one that you swap. And I think maybe it has like two in there at once. And then when one gets low, it lets you know and you swap them. But you can lift it up. You can put it anywhere.

It's a 12-inch TV. It looks like a watch. Yeah, it's basically. No, it was really cool. But the technology would begin to emerge where, I mean, think about it. Houses run on generator batteries. Well, you'd never run out. So you're not paying a power bill.

Is that free power? It's free power. Okay. That's what I'm saying. I need to be talked into this. There's a little bit more few more perks there than the whole like, now if I'm sitting on the couch and I gotta pee and I can blink and I'm on the toilet in this luxury bathroom and then I blink again and I'm back on the couch.

It's not just clean. It's luxurious. Yeah, there's a bidet in every stall. I mean, it's... Are there mints? It's a luxurious bathroom. Of course there are m, there's a bidet in every stall. I mean, it's... Are there mints? It's a luxurious bathroom. Of course there are mints. Is there a person giving me the mints that has to live in there? User choice.

Yeah. That's something you find out about yourself when you go in that luxury bathroom. I didn't know. I wanted this. I was a bathroom attendant person. For the record. Because, you know, I'm... You're a pro.

I'm a... You're a pro. I'm a fancy schmancy uh I love fancy restaurants you're a schmancy boy I'm a schmancy boy thank you that's that's the right word and that is exactly who I am I'm a schmancy boy I am extremely anti-bathroom okay okay thank goodness and that's where I figured you guys might think that I'm in on that. Because, you know, a lot of times... I would have thought you were in on that. Yeah, where you... I would have thought you would have liked tipping a bathroom attendant.

Yeah, I mean, I do tip them. And maybe on the basis of how good your poop was. But I hate tipping a bathroom attendant because, one, who has cash? Right. Tippable cash. Like... They have to have... They have to take e-payments now, right?

I hope not. Oh, just touch? That'd be nice. I'm saying like the bathroom attendant hands you something and then just holds up the QR code. It's like, eh? It's just so awkward. And the worst part is if you're at a place where you're there for a while. Okay, so I've been in this situation before where I go.

Oh, because you've got to see him more than once. Yes. So now I've gone in there. I've tipped the dude. I was generous. I gave him a tinsky and took the mints. Yeah, you're a schmancy boy. And then I'm like, I don't want to go to the-

A tinsky? It's just depending on what I have on me. The awkwardness of it does potentially- I don't open up a cashier drawer and be like, well, do I want to use my ones or fives? It's like, what do I have? And so maybe I give him something nice. But later on, I'm like, I have to pee.

I do not want to go in there because is he going to remember that I already tipped him? If you win a 10 ski, then you're prepaid. You're good. I get that. Your tab is closed. I get that completely. I have no responsibility. You don't have to tip. Tipping is closed. I get that completely. I have no responsibility. You don't have to tip.

Tipping is optional. And then if I know I've already tipped 10, I should be able to go in there and leave. No problem. I should get a high five on my way out the second time. But they might not recognize you. But that's my fear. And I'm just like, that's like, I'm all worried that I'm going to go in there and they're going to be like, what a jerk.

He didn't tip me. He's like, no, I did earlier. Do you make small talk with them? Do say something like wonderful poop uh that's not usually my go okay all right you need to use a real over-the-top accent oh so that they remember introduce yourself yeah just cry key what a jumbler i don't know is that the name of a Water jumbler. I don't know. Is that the name of a... Or a real growler.

A mighty one. They'll remember you. Oh, boy. We need to move on. Yeah, the bathroom attendant thing doesn't seem... It's just an invented... Like, what would be another job that doesn't need to be done that you could just get tips for?

Like, is there anything out there that... I mean, obviously, you have people run up to you in the street and clean your window, and then they want you to tip them that's not an official job that's not a job no that's being homeless they are not employed well this is the the the the problem is it's it's completely unnecessary yeah i was gonna do this could you get could you get tips for just holding the bathroom door open and like opening the door and closing as long as you have a vest on oh you need the vest the vest. Or a cummerbund. Yes, that's fine too.

What if you came to take out your garbage and then someone's out there just waiting by your garbage cans? They took it out. They're on the street already. They know your time. And they're just waiting. Sir, I took your garbage out. Be like, what are you doing?

Go away. You are on to a service though. The garbage man? Yeah. Of like, no, no, no, no. No, someone who actually pulls your cans out. Sure. From the backyard.

Please. And puts them in. Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was just like. You should be able to upgrade your trash service from the trash company. But that's actually, I think you're on, the way that there's old school paperboy routes. Yes.

Or I'll mow your lawn. There should be a kid in every neighborhood who goes around and just says, hey, I would like to offer my services. They know the day. They know the day. They live in that neighborhood. And they go around and every neighbor subscribes. And it's just five bucks a neighbor. It's like nothing.

But they got 20 neighbors. So now they're getting 100 bucks a week just taking out everyone's garbage, putting it all in. Come on, kids. Grow up and make something yourself. That's a genius idea. And they started from making fun of that idea. Wonderful.

See, we do affect the world. We do. Now let's dish some advice out. Spitballers to the rescue. It's been a minute since we've had the life advice drop. That thing's real chill. Yeah. That's real chill. Let's take it easy.

Because we're very serious. When you give advice, I mean, you've got to be calm and cool. Well, Sophia is over on Patreon. She says, my family and I were recently invited to my brother's wedding. Here we go. Congratulations. We were also excited to be able to celebrate a special day with him until we

found out that his fiance was planning to have the ceremony in a very non-traditional way. She wants to have it on a boat in a different country, which means that all of us would have to fly overseas to attend. And my family and I are all very uncomfortable with this idea but we don't want to upset my brother what is the best way to approach the situation without causing drama or making it worse bad news sophia yeah there's gonna be some drama or at least some drama mean uh nice oh i like that one thank you okay that'll work i didn't push it oh all right uh but yeah step one i mean look non-traditional you go with the boat okay

fine do we need to combine these things with another with a destination wedding well i mean maybe they're taking the boat to the destination as they get to the end they're gonna get married on it this is like can you pay money to have seasickness to celebrate my wedding for me yeah i mean there are there are some pros and cons here first of all i think like i'm i'm huge into big traditional wedding ceremonies. I love the tradition. But whoever's getting married, they get to decide. If they want to get married on a boat, they want to get married on a beach,

they want to get married in Thailand or wherever, you don't get to decide that. But maybe you can bribe them out of it. You know what I mean? It's their decision. Maybe you can bribe them out of it. You know what I mean? Like, it's their decision. But what if it was all expenses paid at the Hyatt Regents?

You know what I mean? Like, what you're saying you have to pay. If you're trying to get out of this, you can't just tell them, no, I don't want to do that. You shouldn't do that. You can't do that. But that's the real life advice. Let's say it's settled. How do you approach not attending?

Because there's no way for you to not attend and not offend, right? You must attend or you will offend. Yes, you have to attend. But it's expensive. Can you send a tribute from the whole family? Like one person goes as a representative for the whole family? The question here, it's upset the brother what level of relative do you have to be before you can you can opt out i think as immediate family stuck for sure yeah okay and then

grandparents are stuck like uh is cousin cousins can skip it yep okay as soon as you're past the nuclear for me i am it's grandparents can skip it nuclear yeah i get what you're past the nuclear, for me, I am... The grandparents can skip it? The nuclear. I get what you're saying. Yeah, the nuclear family. So I would say... Nucleus? No, I get what you're saying.

It's nuclear family. Yeah, that's the word. I've never heard it called that. Like the center of something is called the nuclear? It's not the nuclear. No, it's a nuclear family. A couple and their dependent children. It's a nuclear?

Yes. It's a basic social unit. Yeah, that's... I don't know why it's called the nuclear family. Yeah, it's a couple and their dependent children. It's a nuclear? It's a basic social unit. I've learned something. Yeah, that's... I don't know why it's called a nuclear family. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. Maybe it's because that's happened in modern days since nuclear times. I don't know. There's not a thing like that.

Well, now we gotta find out. There wasn't a nuclear generation. Why is it called a nuclear family? It's also known as an elementary family. What? Yeah. These are the people making stuff up. All right.

But anyway, so you're saying immediate family, you have to go. Core members. Yeah. Nuclear. Yeah. I like the core part. But, yeah, so you don't think grandparents are obligated to go on that trip? I don't think grandparents are obligated to go.

I would use your old age if you feel obligated. Absolutely. Yeah, my back. My weak knees get out of the ocean. I'm on social security. See, that's a Victorian ghost. Hey, we should head. Oh, here's an easy way out, guys.

I just figured it out. I'm not alive anymore. No. You're going. You RSVP'd. You're absolutely going. The day of departure, can't find my passport oh destination destination wedding don't have my passport whoopsie I'll send you a gift

yeah that's not a that's not a bad way out it's better than the awkward conversation now I will say this in truth if you cannot afford a destination right like right some people it's like I don't want to go I can afford it but I I just don't want to go and they're gonna forget their passport but there are certain family members it's like I can't just travel to Tahiti I don't have I've got I've got 50 bucks in the bank and at that that point, you've got to be allowed. You should just go and say, I would love to attend. I cannot afford it. You can either pay for me to go, which you do not need to do, or I'm out. And we love each other.

I mean, that's their choice in going destination. I was going to say, if you don't actually want to go and you use that excuse, there is the risk that they'll pay for you. And then you do have to go. So you you got to be willing to accept that free vacation but that's a free vacation um all right liam from the website my roommate and i are both in our late 20s and i've been living together for over a year okay we get along pretty well but there's one issue that has been causing a lot of tension between us my roommate has the habit of not flushing the toilet after he's done. I've asked him multiple times to please flush

after he's finished, but he always seems to forget or ignore me. I'm so grossed out about it every time. Yeah, well, is this a number one or a number two? I mean, it could be any of them. I have to go to the bathroom after he's been in there and see his poop in the toilet. Oh, Aston

answered. What do I do besides continuously reminding him? You run. You escape this. Do you think that that's a sign of potential psychopathy? Yes. I have. Look, there was a time in this studio I forgot to flush once.

I did. I don't know how it happened i have no idea it seems impossible that i could have walked out of the bathroom without flushing but it happened guilty as charged mike i apologize he walked in and we got to lift that toilet seat up whoa there's someone else it was it was occupied i mean that's like i don't get embarrassed i don't embarrass easily that's one of the most embarrassing things i can remember if you are like you get one strike that's that's this is not baseball rules mike if you find another one of my turds in there you get to just put me down you take me out behind the shed i'm out yeah i'm done

you run from this roommate liam this guy is a psycho but i was in liam's defense here i mean this is a roommate uh i was not really in the roommate game for for quite long but i've heard it is it's a difficult thing to navigate, everything else is good other than the poops in the toilet. Now, is there a weight? Is he four? That's like, if he's four or five, I get it. They're still learning. Do they make a weight-sensitive toilet flusher seat? So once you put weight on it, it loads, spring loads.

Okay. And when you lift thy booty, it flushes the toilet. They have automatic toilets, Andy. These are already done, and it's not like a weight. It's just like most public restrooms have these. I guess they do. I don't know why I was inventing something new for the home. A motion sensor.

How much do those things cost, do you think? I mean, spare no expense for this problem. Not too much. In this situation, it can't cost too much. Okay, so let's say you you can't do that though what i mean you are you you fight fire with fire oh you go you dump you poop on their poop no no that's not fighting fire with fire oh that's you leave it no oh till somebody Oh, until somebody flushes the ultimate standoff? Oh, man. Where everybody loses? And then eventually you can't flush it.

You imagine having guests over? I'm not flushing. You flush. See, I have friends that were in a roommate battle, but the roommate battle was related to dirty dishes on the countertop, and eventually one friend, they were tired of asking so many times they just started leaving them there and the other friend started

leaving them as a payback and it was like a back and forth until the countertops were not ever and so you're stuck I'll bet that first roommate didn't even care this first roommate wouldn't care about that they'd be like oh cool bro I'm saving water too I don't know I mean cause they

come back and the toilet's always flushed. So you're doing them a favor? Yes. Look, this is a huge problem. There should be a penalty system. I'm okay if somebody, if I have to flush for you, how much money do you have to put in the jar every time you make the mistake for me to feel like it's a net positive?

Is it $100 a poop? It's a quarter. But they're not doing it. Is it $100 a poop? It's a quarter. But they're not doing it. What do you mean a quarter? $0.25 for a pee is $1,000 for a poop. If you're going to not flush, all right, don't flush your pee. Right, save the water, save the planet. Whatever.

Save the cheerleader. Yeah, but no, you flush number twos every time. Okay. So the answer here, Liam, is automatic toilet or find a new place to live. Yeah, fair enough. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting different ways to say hello. So this is, you know, paint that picture.

You're walking up to somebody, and you're not saying hello. You're saying some other variation of hello. And I'll be curious which ones people pick because they do say something about you yeah there's i think mine might go a couple different places um and there is not a 101 of this draft there's no there's no michael jordan here um i'm gonna go with one that i use from time to time It was the first word you heard on this podcast today. It's howdy. No, come on, man. Yeah. It's just howdy.

It's the one that I needed for my life. You needed howdy? I needed howdy. Interesting. Andy's got a lot of country in him. If you say howdy to a certain age demographic, you earn their respect immediately. Because you can say it different. If you say it to another, you respect immediately. Because you can say it different. If you say it to another, you lose it immediately.

You can say it different ways. Which demo do you get the respect from? Older adults. The same people I don't give a crap about? Oh! You're almost one of them, Mike. Oh, not even. I'm not even close to the Howdy generation.

You're getting close. You're getting real close. You should try it. Jason just drafted at 101. Yeah, but the thing is is there's a serious howdy and that's what you use with the older generation howdy and they respect that they go howdy partner but there's also the but the entire old generation are cowboys well they're from the time before they're they're from the time before electricity but there's also just like there's there's a there's a a comic version of howdy where it's just like howdy you know that i mean you had a twang that wasn't that wasn't it no it's just

howdy yeah it's it's better as a response to a hi. If somebody comes to you and says hello, and you go, howdy, that's the least intimidating howdy. That's the least twangy howdy. It would have been my one-on-one. I'm absolutely devastated. It's on my list, but it would have been howdy stranger. You throw the stranger in there just to pull away from the West. That's right.

Pull away from the partner. But here's the thing. They aren't a stranger. I know who they are. man next level unfortunately that's the 101 to me it's unique i do use it um i haven't heard you use it i've used it i've used it here i've said howdy to you in the morning all right i'll pay closer attention all right uh maybe include the partner for you for me uh i'm gonna have to take a real layup here i'm gonna have to go with a classic a simple it's look it's not flashy it's the core of the greetings and i'm gonna go with hey i'm going with hey sure hey it's simple yeah i don't

have to explain it you know what it is you've used it all the time it's not hello it's hey you guys are going with real short ones. Mine are ridiculous. My list has some of those on it. So you're just going with this simple hey? I'm going with hey. Howdy, hey, and Mike. I'm going with, so I'm up? I got two picks here with my first pick.

I'm going, look what the cat dragged in. Wow. Okay. Wow. Yeah. All right. We're taking this draft in a couple different directions here. Not what I expected. I can tell you right now, every one of my greetings is one word or two words.

Wow. See? So you took it to another level. That's right. Look what the cat dragged in. I brought this draft up to my wife when I knew we were doing it, and that was her first one. Really?

But she couldn't find the words. She was like, look what got dragged in here. Look at what's dragged. It was like in a bar. Like, look what got dragged into the bar. She couldn't find it. But look at what the cat dragged in. Yeah, look what the cat dragged in.

Wow. And then I'm going to follow that up with. You can't say that. That's not a casual interaction. Like you're walking past somebody in the street and they say hello and you go, look what the cat dragged in. Like I'm just saying it's a certain situation. It's a little more nuanced. This can't be a stranger unless you're trying to really say that.

It can't be a stranger. No. Okay. Go on. All right. And then the other one. Look what the dog dragged in. I'm going to hit him with the super formal.

So your howdy is for older folk. Yeah. This one, I mean, this one's just completely gone because you got to get both words in there. You get the greetings and salutations. I wanted it. I wanted greetings and salutations. I wanted it. I wanted greetings and salutations. It's high up on my list. It's so bad.

Greetings and salutations. Oh, that's wonderful. Again, it does accompany the Victorian era. If you're trying to greet a ghost, I would go with greetings and salutations. See, I had shortened it. I had greetings on the list. So I have hay.

Mics are very interesting. I have to go here because I'm worried about it. I'm worried about it getting around to me, and I feel like I need a little bit of a spice. Okay. After drafting hay, you need some spice. So I'm going with what's up. Hi. I'm going with what's up hi i'm going with what's up okay what's up what's up it's classic it's not what's that it's just what's up all right yeah jason you're back up all right i know my first i know my first one here um i got the howdy i got

the howdy partner you know kind of as an unspoken rule as a follow-up to my howdy but i'm gonna stick in the western theme here what and this one only works if you have a saloon if you have a prop and you're talking to a certain person okay it is what ma'am with a tip of the cap. Oh. You got to have a cowboy hat on. You got to do the. We're having props now?

Look what the cat dragged in. I'm going, ma'am. That's not a hello. Ma'am. It says so much. It says so much. You could be respectful. But what if you're talking to an old man and you say ma'am?

I would say howdy. I've got it covered, Mike. Yeah, he's good. The dudes get a howdy. The ma'ams get a ma'am. Ma'am. With a nod. With a nod.

It's the tip of the cap. It's ma'am. I'll take this cap off. All the podcast listeners can hear you nodding a little bit. They know what I'm doing. All right, so now that I've got ma'am and howdy part. You're on a hot streak. I feel the need to go somewhere else.

Yeehaw. I'm getting out of the West, and I'm going to the tropics where I've never been, where Mike has been, and Andy, you're going soon and i'm taking aloha it's a good one i mean i want it feels good i want to have the lay around the neck and a greeting of aloha in my life in the near future i don't know anybody that's uh that lives in hawaii that doesn't adopt all that language because it's so it's so friendly on the tongue yes right that is hello and goodbye is that right i mean they just they do what they want yeah i like it and it feels good i want to say hello when leaving so like could you imagine just like hello about you're about to go

away and you're leaving the door and you turn around to somebody say hello you just walk out feels weird that's what they're doing all right so you got you went with ma'am and aloha ma'am with the tip of the cap i have hey and what's up and i'm gonna go with hey there okay i'm going with hey there so you have hey and hey there that would be like me drafting howdy partner look i got it already i have that's true isn't it that's fine can i pivot no no no way you are stuck hey there hey look i can't wait you don't understand how narrow my list was i was looking for real part and parcel substitutions for the word hello hey ma'am i didn't know we were drafting like long formal greetings i mean i just drafted

ma'am that's one word no yours is good all right yours are all good i like i like it though hey there i've used it if you don't see if you're not in the mood for hey throw a little there in there all right my draft is terrible man you spiced it up yeah Yeah. You got it. Man. It's a paprika. What is that, garlic? All right. A little habanero over there. The worst part is I thought I was doing something original when I said it. That's what's amazing. I'm going through my list. I'm like, oh, there's hay, and then there's hay there.

Yeah. Totally different. Yeah. All right. Hay there is more, for what it's worth, that's like recognition. If you say hey, you can say it to anybody. Yeah. If you say hey there, that is someone you care about.

That's true. That's true. That's why it's so spicy. All right. You're not here. You're there. So I have look what the cat dragged in. Greetings and salutations.

Oh, man. Hey there. It and salutations. Oh, man. Hey, there. It's so good. It really feels like you got an extra one when you say you got greetings and salutations. Well done. Because no one's like, salutations. Actually, you can do them separately. You can, but it's not.

I think you could do greetings separate, but I think Mike's right. You would never. You could say salutations. Yeah. Yeah. You could. Well, not in the West. You could say dogwood, but you don't do it because that makes no sense.

I'll try hey there. Let's see. Hey there, partner. We are going to go. I'll go with one that's a little bit more simple here for my third pick. Just a simple how's it going? Okay. Yeah. How's it going? That's a greeting. Just a simple how's it going? Okay. Yeah. How's it going?

That's a greeting. Just a little more modern. It's certainly better than look what the cat dragged in. It's more friendly. Yeah. I mean that's I think that's probably one of the most common actual real world used by probably the three of us is like how's it going?

What's amazing is probably my default. If you don't take the word how and is and combine them, it's a horribly awkward greeting. You have to say, how's it going? Yeah. You cannot say, how is it going? Oh, you hit the contraction. You got to hit it in there.

I'm just saying, like, it's interesting. All right. And the last one. So interesting. I like it. The last one so interesting I like it the last one is ridiculous and I guilty have used it it's a little bit of a longer

bun but it is in fact well well well what do we have here I was trying to literally I'm looking at my list I say it's boring and stupid I'm in the middle of writing the words well well well to try to have here i was trying to literally i'm looking at my list i say it's boring and stupid i'm i'm in the middle of writing the words well well well to try to find something unique and special it is the most dadliest of dad greetings well well what do we have here

that's for when they show up late past curfew. Exactly. Well, then I look, I need a lot more spice on this group. Hello. There is, is available. I don't think anybody has drafted high. That's also available, but unfortunately I need to match my competition. So I'm going to have to go with fancy meeting you here. Oh, that's a good one. There we go.

He's in the game. It's not quite hey there. Fancy meeting you here. Yeah. There we go. Welcome. I like it. Welcome in.

I like it. Welcome to the draft. See, that's a good first pick. Yeah, but have you tried what's up? Yeah. All right. So am I done yet? No, you're good. Yeah. Yeah yeah are you done so i'm i'm

finishing up here so howdy i've got howdy ma'am ma'am so i got the i got the western and then i've got the aloha i've got the hawaiian yeah so i feel like i need a destination here i'm sticking with my theme of like cultural versions of greetings, and I'm going with, good day, mate. Yeah. That's good. That's a good one.

Good day, mate. Let's hit him with the good day. Good day. Good day, mate. I mean, I would say good day, but I don't know if I can do it without... I had a hard enough time not putting shrimp on the barbie after that.

Oh, we are the worst hello culture we are just going to characterize you into this one word that's from ace ventura like that's that's where it's from for me it's uh that's it well no i'm just saying that's what the shrimp on the barbie yeah isn't that dumb and dumber oh yeah sorry dumb and dumber oh man, man. That's embarrassing. That is. Busted. Oh, boy. All right. So you're closing it out with Godetman. I don't know, man.

I just went classic Jim Carrey and said he's for tourists. Who are you? Shame on me. Shame on me. You a robot? Good eye, Mike. That's it. By the way, as you might expect, I had a lot of very short other options.

What do you got? I have sup. Okay. Yeah. I have high. Yeah. Yeah. I have high. Yeah. Nice. I have yo.

Yo is on my list. Yo is very good. I have bonjour. Oh, that's a good one. I have the daytimes. Yeah. That would have been the other one I would have gone with. Morning.

Daytimes. Daytime. No, but morning. Yeah. Afternoon. Afternoon. Yeah. Those are the only three acceptable daytimes.

And that's a strange thing. Could you have drafted a nod by itself? The hat tip by itself? As a greeting? I mean, I guess. I don't know. Well, isn't it different ways to say hello? Well, I mean, you are.

You're saying it with body language. It doesn't say different ways to greet someone sure it doesn't don't get too deep in there otherwise you're gonna end up disqualifying look look at what the cat dragged in now owl has given you a little bit of a perk here i don't know if you see he's this is probably how the the it'll go out for the poll. He's given you exclamation points. It has helped. It's not just hey. It's hey.

No, it's better. I'm looking at it. Hey there. I thought my list was trash, and it is, but it's not as trash. He spiced it up for you. That was nice. I don't see exclamation points anywhere else except for hey there. Could I have gone with hey mate? Could I have gone with oy?

Oh, that's a good one. I think that's a greeting. Oh, that's definitely a greeting. It's a word that has many purposes. That's a good word. What did we learn today? I genuinely learned that you cannot swim in space. I thought you could propel yourself with your arms and your

legs you cannot so like if i thought if i had flippers on no because you're not pushing there's no resistance did you think did you think there was space water out there no i just i mean i get it like i i understand what you're saying just it's hard for me to wrap my mind that there's like no propulsion nothing not like like a gas that's expanded so much further up like just it's absence yeah it's like a vacuum it's like the vacuum of space mike did you learn anything today uh yeah i learned that i may be underestimating the future of batteries that's fair and you also learned the nuclear family thing yes oh i learned i learned that you both don't really like space the way that I thought you did. That'll do it for today's show. Thanks for tuning in, supporting the show, supporting the podcast.

Give us your ideas. Head over to jointhespit.com, support the show. And guess what? We're going to do another one of these. I promise. Next week. Enjoy. Goodbye.

G'day. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers week. Enjoy. Goodbye. G'day. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. Hello. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.