Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Squatter's Rights & The Best Places To Take A Nap - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

On today’s show, we talk about fried squirrels, slippery butter, and slapping our face on some currency. We also have another run-in with our local wizard in The Situation Room. We close things down with a draft of the best places to take a nap. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh yeah! I was just trying to go with a classic. I mean, I like the classic. You like the standards? I like the wordless.

So you go crazy with da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, it was the Louis Armstrong growl in the voice. There was no growl, was there? Check the tape, my man. I couldn't really reflect on it because I was a little startled. You started so loudly that I was a little taken back, and then I was reacting, and maybe I missed the growl. Huh? How's that?

Welcome to the Spitballers. Would you rather the situation room and a spectacular draft on today's episode of the show thank you for subscribing reviewing i was trying to figure out how could i work in a uh a honk shoe because my youngest a honk suit i don't even know i know well it would have been it would have been a very inside joke between just me and my family because my youngest, when he makes the pretend sleeping sound, for some reason it's honk shoe. When he's trying to fake you out?

Yeah, it's the fake snore, but instead of a honk shoe. No, it sounds like a sleeping person. So that's a big laugh. Has your littlest ever seen someone sleep? I don't know. Someone pretend to sleep. So that would have been a really cool inside joke between you and him? Yeah.

In the intro? Yeah. You missed that chance. I did. You did. But now he's been mentioned in his, and everyone else, just close your eyes. Honkshu. Honkshu.

Honkshu. There, you're asleep. Oh, because you, but see now it makes sense because we're drafting the best places to nap. Yes. So it was going to be a tie-in. Did you not realize what was happening? It's not just an inside joke. It's also just, it makes some sense.

Yeah, of course. Everything I do makes sense on some level. Some sense. Maybe you're not on my level and it doesn't make sense to you. Sounds like an artist. Would you rather? Would you rather wake up and have forgotten who you are or forgotten who everyone else is? Jack from the website submitted this one.

Interesting. Forget who you are or who everyone else is. Now, see, this one, I have an issue with this question. Really? It feels paradoxical to me because you think who you are is based upon the relationships and the that you have both directions if i how do you forget who you are and know who everyone else is how would you be able to know who they are without relation to who you are do you see what i'm saying i do no but there's definitely things like i can remember i wake up

um uh i he has forgotten everything i was trying to think like but you can wake up in your house and you're like okay this is my spouse these are my my children. But who am I as far as like, what do I like? What do I like? What foods do I eat? What is my temperament? These are things you lose if you don't know who you are? Yes, exactly. I feel like if you don't remember who you are, that's a chance to start everything over.

Now, I realize the paradoxical nature of this. I do completely see- Do we need to move beyond that? I think that there's a philosophical side. And that's where I am. And that's basically saying, how much do you love yourself? Because the way that I see this is like, much do you love yourself because the way that i see this is like if you're pretty if you you know would you rather forgotten who you are which is like i don't want to forget who i am i'm pretty happy with who i am or forget everyone else um you know it's like man would i go through life not knowing what is what the celebrity that i am okay oh. Oh, very. Yes. That's tough.

That's tough. Very J-list celebrity. Mm-hmm. Which one's more of a nightmare scenario? Just like right off the bat, you wake up and- Others. The other people? Yeah, because- That's where I am too.

You're freaking out at that point. Yeah, because it doesn't matter. You can know everything about yourself, but if you don't know who anybody else is that is a horror movie that is i mean these are you are just surrounded by strangers and you're probably naked i assume i just woke up right so a la mode um no and then i don't know these people they you know this woman should not be able to. And they're all trying to convince you that no, no, no, no, no. We're your family. You're like, yeah, sure you are. Yeah.

Sure you are. Nice one, sport. Yeah, that one would be absolutely terrifying. But not knowing who you are would also be absolutely terrifying. So they're both horrible. I mean, if you wake up and don't know who you are, that is more disturbing. Okay, quick question. Does anyone really know who you are?

You mean, like, do you really know yourself? I know who I am. Other people might not know who I am. Do you? That's enough. I can keep repeating it. That's enough. I think that there's something there, Mike.

I think maybe we don't really know ourselves. The older I get, the more I realize I don't know who I am. The more I wish I didn't know you. Yeah, you're right. Okay, quick question. Is there an option to forget who Mike is? In this philosophical, I wake up, I know who I am, I don't know who anybody else is.

Right. Does that give you carte blanche to move on? I mean, do you have to make a new family? Oh. Like, I don't know. This is a Hallmark movie where you have to re-fall in love with your family. Yeah, but see, that's what always happens is like, oh, you're supposed to still live there. No one ever just leaves them.

But why wouldn't you leave them, though? Why wouldn't you? They're nobody to you. Right. I mean, the whole thing of like, I wake up with amnesia and then I'm living with this stranger who says she's my wife. I don't know that you're telling the truth or not. And it doesn't matter. Evidence.

I don't care if you show me a picture. I don't know who you are. Or who's the paper that says you're married. I shouldn't sleep in the same bed with you. I don't know. You know, so it's one of those like I feel like you might have to find a new family. You're just going to have to. If I wake up and I don't remember my family, and they're like, no, really, where are you

feeling? I'm like, I know myself. Three children was not on the docket. You're a liar. Peace. There's no way I ever would have agreed to this. Look, I will audition. I will let you have first right at this audition.

First right of refusal? Yes, first right of refusal. You say you're my family, I'll give you a chance. You hold auditions for a new family? If you are good enough, because I know who I am, and I'm pretty important. If you are good enough, then I will accept you as my family. If not, I'm putting a shout out to, you know. Yeah, public call.

Like an audition? Yeah. It's like, just treat me to the perfect day of my standards. Oh, my gosh. And we'll go from there. Okay, so I'm clearly taking myself. Sorry, I don't remember anybody else. Spectacular.

All right, Matt from Patreon. Would you rather have every Friday off or a full week off every other month? Okay, so I'm clearly taking myself. Sorry, I don't remember anybody else. Spectacular. All right, Matt from Patreon, would you rather have every Friday off or a full week off every other month? Oh, okay. Okay. Every Friday off. So four-day work weeks. That's pretty nice.

We did that for a while. And it was pretty nice. It was pretty nice. It wasn't as good for the company no no back in the day uh different company we were reading some things and thought you know we'll get more work out of maximizing our time we'd go to a four-day work week right um and it turned out what happened was we got about four days worth of work instead of five days worth of work. I will tell you this.

As your employee, though, I think the morale was way up. Oh, sure. The morale was way up until we all lost our jobs. Right. Due to the lack of work. Yeah, I was going to say, it didn't go very well. Morale plummeted at the loss of jobs. At the loss of jobs. At the loss of jobs.

So we never should have gone away. So would you rather have peak morale for a year or like medium morale for a career? Now, alternatively. Full week off every other month. A full week off. Is that how it is? That math's out the same then basically? No.

You actually get more time off if you take the same then basically. Yeah. You actually get more time off if you take you do the Fridays. Yeah. Okay. Way to not make that even. Well, I mean, but that's the point is you get an entire week. So like every other month, that's a lot like vacations. Cause the hardest part five times a year of vacations is, is timing it all. Just say five times a year was every other month this is wait every other month is five times a year no andy let's make it six yes let's make it six there are not 10 months he woke up and he couldn't remember how many months were in a year i wasn't

gonna let that one go you saw it on your own face you're like wait a minute there's a five we were talking we were jiving yeah so so six math full weeks off a year so what i was saying that's a lot the hardest part of vacations is um just timing them up so that it worked for everybody right i mean you you your work is a part of it but you know even take them out like if you've got a family, the kids, they have school, and holidays, when you can go on the trip, do you want to? Because everybody else is on vacation on that day, and you know they're going to be all up in your vacation space ruining things. So if you had one week off every two months, I think that's an easy slam dunk yes for me,

even though technically I get more days off if I do the Fridays. Now, the problem, and you even said it, is that if you want to go on vacation, like half the year my kids are in school. So I can have this off from work, but that doesn't mean they get it off. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. That's Exactly. Exactly. That's a good thing.

Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you wink, wink, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. You know when you go on a vacation from your family, you're like, I need to take a vacation from my vacation. Me time. Six weeks is a ton. I feel like that's better.

It is. I think I would want that. I feel like if I had a three-day weekend every single week, massive weekends, it's going to take me all Monday before I'm back in work mode. Pretty much, I'm back in work mode on Tuesday. Wednesday, I'm working. Thursday, it's like I'm almost to the weekend. I will get nothing done. It's a two day work week. It's a two day work week because Monday and Thursday

are really weekend focused here. My weekend's pretty cool. My weekend's pretty cool? My weekend's pretty cool. It's three to five days every week. I gotta plan it out. I don't want to waste it. Yeah, I have to take, I have to go

with the five to six weeks off every other month. All right. It fluctuates depending on how many months there is. How many months in this year? Ten months. Ten months in the year. The earth went real fast.

Yes, thank you. Tina from Patreon. Would you rather own one cat or 12 dogs all right so this question must be specific to us if we take it seriously right because i just want to go dogs give me a hundred dogs over a demon cat but if we actually take it seriously this is a very difficult question yeah allergies notwithstanding. That's the... Give me the hairless... The cat, I feel like I can own a cat.

Oh, the naked cats? Yeah, I mean, for the allergy's sake, I'm going to have to go with the hairless demon cat. But, I mean, a cat, does anybody own a cat or does the cat own you? I mean, you don't do anything with it, right? You house a cat. You are the Airbnb for the cat.

They are just using your residence to live in. You certainly do not have any control over a cat. You're like, hey, kitty cat, you know the bill? We got to square up on this mortgage here. Yeah, and then he poops in the litter box and it's over. Poops in the litter box says squatters rights. Oh, that's right. I live here.

Try to kick me out. I mean, I... But 12 dogs is too many. That's way too many dogs. Can they all be outdoor dogs? Here? It doesn't matter. Not here.

It doesn't even know. You'll have six dogs. You'll have 12 dead dogs. 12 carcasses. Not in Arizona. Yeah, you'll have 12 carcasses. Not in Arizona. Yeah, you can't have full-time outdoor dogs in Arizona. You don't think they have those? Oh, they do for sure, but not for 12.

That's a lord of the flies out there. I guess I'll go one cat then, one hairless cat. 12 dogs, the biggest problem to me is the barking because you right right right yeah my dogs don't bark much they really don't like i don't have a yappy dog but when the doorbell rings okay they they bark they say someone's here they run to the door bark bark bark and and we got a new what do they say they go bark bark bark um and we got a new puppy uh about a month or two ago and she was just quiet never makes a sound never never yep never did anything and my two existing dogs have taught her to bark when the doorbell rings so now she's in on it and i know i mean the crowd of 12 dogs

that'd be very loud when they all are trying to bark over one another and prove their alpha dominance oh man you i couldn't even imagine you have to take a cat here you have to yeah i agree like the it's it's just selfish it all comes down to allergies i'm sure if i did not have allergies i think i'd be into cats. I would be perfectly fine with them because I like all animals. I just don't like animals that I'm allergic to because they make me feel bad. For the record, I do not have allergies. Oh, you just don't like cats.

I do not like cats. Have you ever had a cat? I have had a cat once. Growing up, we had a cat. What was the cat's name? How did it taste? Oh gosh, I don't remember. Oh, I thought you said, did you have a cat? No, we did

actually have a dead cat in our backyard freezer because my mom was in nursing school. A cult? A cult where they loved to just have cat carcasses um no but apparently she had to like do stuff with a like for biology or an animal like dissect it yeah a bit of an out there like sentences yeah i did have a dead cat in the freezer there's not a

lot of opportunity to share that about myself what is the like it's a fun fact statute of limitations on admitting that you have a dead cat in your well this wasn't this was like what educational reasons never mind the fact that what if it wasn't it was your neighbor's cat at one point i'm just saying what if it wasn't i mean there has to be a statute of limitations if you took the life of a cat. Yeah. It's not a lifetime murder charge. It's a couple of days. A couple of days.

It's a cat. So, I mean, no, you know, I understand it's a cat. And I know there's a lot of people out there. Don't they? There are a lot of people out there that love true hero, their cats. And if you're listening and you love parade if you love your cat we still love you and it's hard it's hard but we are super full of grace here and it's brooks in the building right now he is but he did just step out yeah brooks probably to feed his cat brooks has had

a cat he wants to get another cat now i will say this. The nicest thing I will ever say about a cat. We went up to a cabin, an Airbnb, ironically. I think this was the actual owner of the Airbnb. The cat? The cat. And there was a wild cat in the woods that came up on the porch. And this was the coolest cat I've ever seen. It would just come right up to you.

You could call it over. She'd come over. Sounds like you love cats. There are cool cats. Of course there are cool cats and kittens. But they're just... The percentage chance that you get a good one is

so low. Here's the problem with a cat. Let's say I've fallen down a well. What does the cat do? Does the cat go barking and go get the go get the another person to come save me like like lassie would have she rips your curtains up she goes oh yeah now's my time that's what do they have like service cats no there's never been a lassie show with a cat well i know there's never been a television show but well there was the cat and sabrina the teenage witch and that cat could get stuff done and with with cool sarcastic wit With a cat. Well, I know there's never been a television show, but, well, there was the cat in Sabrina the Teenage Witch,

and that cat could get stuff done, and with cool, sarcastic wit. But wasn't that an actual person that was just in cat form? I don't know. I think that's Banks from Hocus Pocus. Miss McGonagall. Or that, too. Yeah, there's a lot of cat people. Has there ever been, can you do a service cat?

Will a cat? I don't think so. Except that maybe a tiger. Could you imagine? You know how accept that training? I don't think so. Maybe a tiger. Could you imagine? You know how there's seeing-eye dogs, right, that help the blind get around? It's amazing the brilliance of these dogs. Somehow we have communicated well enough with them to teach them how to teach us what our surroundings are. Could you imagine a trial with cats?

It would have not gone well. These poor people in need of sight would have been led astray by cats, and the cats would do it on purpose. I'm not saying they're not intelligent. I'm saying they hate humanity. Legally, a cat cannot be acknowledged as a service animal. That tells you everything you need to know. That tells you everything.

Well, that just tells you the power of Big Dog. Power of the marketing campaign? Yeah, they're out there. Jesse from Twitter, would you rather have- Of course cats cannot do this. Would you rather- Only dogs. Have your face on a $100 bill

or be the face of an iconic brand? Ooh. It's all about the Holloways? So you're on currency. I could be on currency. Uh-huh. I mean, I feel like the $100 bill, while novel, I mean, who's, not a lot of bills are getting. No.

I mean, we're moving away from. Well, you're moving away from restaurants, but they don't want them. No. There's always signs up. We do not take $100. We don't take your $100 Bill. Get out of here. So, I mean, yeah, you'd have that'd be a really neat thing to be able to say,

but the face of an iconic brand? It's like an ID check, sir. Who are you? Let me show you who I am. Snap your $100. I mean, that would be cool, but... See, I feel like... Do you even know who's on all the bills, Jason? I know Benjamin, right? Isn't that the point? No, that would be cool, but... See, I feel like... Do you even know who's on all the bills, Jason?

I know Benjamin, right? Isn't that the point? No, that's it. Nope, here we go. Jason, $1 bill. Washington. $5 bill. Lincoln.

$10 bill. Alexander Hamilton. Thank you, Hamilton the musical. 20. Hold on. Jefferson. No.. Jefferson. No. Justin Jefferson.

The football player? Yes. I don't even have another guess. Is it Grant? No. Who is it? Jackson. 50.

I always forget there's a $50 bill. Oh, there's a 50. I mean... So you know all these, Mike. I do. Oh, that's great. Yes. Oh, so I had them.

You had a just wrong bill, but $2 bill. Ooh. For a bonus. Oh, I almost said Susan B. Anthony, but she's on the dollar, right? I can't remember where they're moving her. No, like they were going to. I think she's going on the 20. No, she was on the coin.

The coin. I think they're replacing the 20 because it turns out that Jackson was a terrible human being. That's what I was wondering. I was going to bring it up. I've always heard bad things about Jackson. The dude's a mass murderer. What? Oh, man.

I didn't know that. So, yeah, Susan B. Anthony was on the old silver dollars. Okay. Sacagawea is on the golden dollars. I can't remember who they're going to put on the 20. But anyways, $2 bill. Could be you, Jay. Yeah.

Edison. No, it's Jefferson. Oh, dang it. So we had... Why wouldn't we have pivoted Jefferson to the 20? He's getting the raw deal with the non-used two. I don't know. I will say...

Who's going to be on the new 20? I will say this. This exercise has proven to me the value of being on the $100 bill. They're not making songs about being on the $20 bill. Harriet Tubman. That's who they talk about putting on the $20. It's all about the Benjamins. That's right. It's all about the Benjamins.

That's right. And when your brand fades out, because what brand really has lasted the test of time, the Benjamins have been around for a long time. It's going to be around for a long time later. Money won't go. Cash is not going to completely poof, disappear for at least another 100, 200 years. And I'm going on the bill. I i mean that is of course amazing yeah oh yeah i mean when we when we actually go full digital currency if slash when whatever shouldn't we have like a

an actual photo representation i don't know but what's the purpose of that i mean i guess because you just you just divide it up and you're like, I need this partial of whatever the currency is. I mean, wasn't the dollar bill at one point a paper display for the gold that was backed up by the government? I believe so. They issue you this piece of paper that says you have this much gold. So maybe the digital currency will be backed up by paper.

You have to have enough of those hundreds in the background to issue this cryptocurrency. I mean, I guess it kind of is that way. It kind of is. I've got so much paper. We have digital currency now. Correct. That's not really backed up by your, you don't have your dollars sitting in the local bank. Correct.

Yeah. All right. Well, I didn't mean to go down this rabbit hole. I will say one other thing, though, about being on the $100 bill. Andy has such a better last name for it. I mean, all about the Holloways. Yeah, you need the three-syllable name. Yeah, I mean, all about the Moors.

Yeah. That just sounds like a good Christmas movie. You know what I mean? It doesn't sound like I'm on a $100 bill. This Christmas, it's all about the Moors. And it's just you guys with a bunch of haphazard and hijinks. Whoa! Less is more this Christmas.

Oh, there you go. There it is. That's it. All right, we're moving on. The Situation Realm Here comes a new situation from the World Wide Web on Twitter. That's the name of the person.

Oh. You just finished grilling some expensive Wagyu steaks for the family when you notice a hideaway squirrel has been freshly cooked beneath the grate. Okay. Do you throw away the steaks? But it's fresh. Or serve them to the family and take the secret to your grave so al can you clarify this for me yep so there there was a hideaway squirrel beneath the grate correct and you didn't know it was there your grill was his airbnb if you will okay okay and so you grilled

it up now did you i need to know this did you had it passed before I grilled it, or did I grill it to death? No way to know, but it is. No way to know. You just found out that you. You just see a squirrel under your meat. It was right. You go to take your Wagyu steak off, and underneath the grill is, oh no, there's a squirrel in my grill. Right.

So this is like, it would be, you know, the coals, except for you notice there's a squirrel down there. And you decide to yourself, you're deciding, is this dangerous? That's what I'm figuring out. Oh, it's not dangerous. So if you cook. But this thing is fried to a crisp because it was right down at the. Yeah. Even better.

I'm serving the steak. No problem. Oh, you're darn right. I'm serving the steak. A fire's fire, man. Fire's fire. I'm going to take a real close look at the flavor and see if I found something unique and special here.

Doubt it. I doubt it as well. I'm guessing it's going to taste- Oh, like it could turn into this was- Maybe that's- What the secret ingredient is squirrel. Is that mesquite? No.

It's not mesquite. that mesquite? No. It's not mesquite. Not mesquite at all. Keep guessing. Cherry wood? Try again. Apple wood? Squirrel. Squirrel wood.

So, yeah, I mean, the reality is, you know, I was- I don't think it could hurt. How could it hurt it? I don't think I could hurt. How could it hurt? I don't think it could hurt it. I was going to say, like, Wagyu fillets are very expensive. You don't want to waste that meat. But if these were Walmart burgers, I'd be like, OK, well, let me I've cooked. Hold on.

Let me see where the line is. OK, because I think we all said we'd eat the meat. Yeah. But there has to be some line in which you are burning something so foul to use as the kindling for the meat that you wouldn't eat the meat right yes if i found out someone took a dump in my grill so the line is not another animal i would assume the squirrel did take several dumps in there on the way out he's been living there for a while oh i mean obviously it's dirty but you know what do you kill bacteria pigeon poop on there you know what i mean like that's that's how you kill a lot of bacteria is you just you can yeah but it's moving upwards it's getting on the bottom of your meat

i think it's still sanitary yeah you'd cook a wagyu steak and some poop no not not just actual poop so why is the poop bad and the squirrel fine? You've seen a squirrel turd's real small. Oh, no, but a human turd. Well, no, that's the line. That's the line? Yeah. But why?

I'm trying to understand why that's the line. Is it the mental knowledge that you cooked with poop? It's the mental knowledge that there are poop particles on my steak I'm about to eat. That is... As opposed to squirrel particles. Look, there's... Okay, now... Now you my steak I'm about to eat. That is... As opposed to squirrel particles. Look, there's... Okay, now... Now you see where I'm going?

No, I have a different question. All right. You find the turd. Do you just serve the steaks and withhold? What, you keep the turd in your... If you... No, no, no. As in, you're just like, enjoy,

and you're like, ah, I'm just going to eat something else. Ooh, do you not eat but you serve it if you serve it you cannot say that i know if you serve it you are not ever telling your secret my fear and i'm gonna be honest here i want to you know i want to expose nothing if not transparent my biggest fear is just that they would know and so like my fear of serving it would be is it gonna taste like poop is are they gonna are they gonna to be fair i'm not sure most people know i don't know what poop tastes that's what i'm saying but but i know what a steak tastes like. And if I'm eating a steak. You know what it smells. And I take this bite and I go, oh, what happened?

I don't want to serve something that just tastes rotten. You know what I mean? That's very big of you. All right. We got it. Dan the Man from the website. Great news. You've been cast on a new season of Ultimate Tag.

Okay. You even get to pick your own catchphrase. However, due to a recent Kerrygold sponsorship deal with the network, your catchphrase must include the word butter. What catchphrase are you picking? Now, is this something I don't know about? Oh, you don't know ultimate tag? I don't know ultimate tag,

and I don't know what this catchphrase thing is. Number one, ultimate tag is they set up a pretty small, like a 20 by 20 area or so. They put a whole bunch of obstacles in there, and then they play tag. It's actually... It's exciting to watch? It's exciting to watch for small periods of time. There is

only so much Ultimate Tag you can consume. Do they dive over obstacles? Yes. These people go after it. Parkour. Yeah, a lot of parkour. And it's fun to watch for a little bit. And the sponsorship, they're just saying that, is Kerrygold a butter brand? Yeah, that's dinner butter. Is it?

Kerrygold is the Irish wonderful butter. That's just like a catchphrase for you as a... Yes. The first thing that comes to mind for me... Oh, I know mine. I know mine. Oh, wow. We're there. The contestants, just so you know, when they're announcing them, it's very like gladiator-ish. you as a yes the first thing comes to mind for me oh i know mine i know mine oh wow we're that

we're there the contestants just so you know when they're announcing them it's very like gladiator ish like really over dramatized and they have like costumes i would just tell everyone you better deal with it yeah oh you know me oh jason moore yeah you better deal with it i was i was gonna go with a you butter run. Oh, that's good. See, I guess I messed up catchphrase with my name, which would be the slippery butter. Oh, you want to name yourself. I was going to name myself. Like Andy the Slippery Butter Holloway. So Andy is.

You'll never catch me. I'm Slippery Butter. That is where I was going. Oh, man. Did you see the new ultimate tag with the Slippery Butter? It doesn't quite hit the way I thought it would upstairs. Have you ever tried to hold melted butter? Impossible.

Yeah, I feel like being slippery would be a key attribute in some tags. Well, the problem is even if you're slippery and you get tagged, you're still tagged. You're still tagged. But if you're slippery, you could dive through some of those obstacles at blazing speeds. Part of the problem with Ultimate Tag, there's all these obstacles, these bars that they hop over, under, go around, and they never run into them. I've seen- Oh, have you? Yes, there was a clip.

I've seen someone essentially run full speed into a bar that's like- That's what I've been waiting for. Just high. How did that end up? They go down like a sack of potatoes. I mean, they're running full speed. They are. I mean, just imagine you're out sprinting and someone hits you with a bar.

That's what this would be like. And, you know, I wish them the best, but it's going to happen. You want to watch it? It should be captured for you know for my entertainment yeah i think that even about myself if i fall you know i'm i'm getting out of the shower or something and my floor is slippery and i eat it like a banana peel i'm like oh man i wish that there was video just because if i'm going to hurt myself right like when i threw a pass to al in the back of the right yes. Yes. And then he just toppled over.

Right. Like a sack of potatoes. Like a baby giraffe. Like someone with lead boots on who was running all too heavy. That was a long time ago, and I'm far less athletic now. That's true. You wouldn't have been running nearly as fast, which is what made it extra delightful. I could fall way harder this time

i have you seen the um the balloon game inside of that environment where you know oh well you have to keep the balloon up and people i mean it was dive over stuff like that yeah it essentially just is a game of that we all played as kids of the you got to keep the balloon up, and you'll try to hit it in such a way that your opponent will not be able to reach it in time and keep it airborne. But if you've ever hit a balloon, almost always it goes upward. If you smack it right, the spin just sends it up.

So Ultimate Tag is very similar to that, where they just have a bunch of crap around. Sounds entertaining for a minute. Exactly. All right. Your local wizard spent some time taking online coding courses during quarantine. He has developed several apps and has graciously offered you a free download of whichever app you choose. Which one do you want? OK, three choices. An app that translates all animal speech to English. That's awesome. Seems like it would be incredible. Number two, a camera that can take a photo 24 hours into the future.

Oh, I'm rich. That seems incredible. Are you? Yeah, I'm taking photos of game scores. Yeah, he is. If you take a photo of the court. Oh, okay, okay, okay. And then number three, a keyboard that can read your mind instead of typing.

So you just think it. No, that one's out. Yeah, that one's out because that one's coming. Well, even if it's coming, like I thought when I was a kid, I thought the talk to type was going to revolutionize the universe. It was going to be the most important thing ever. People would just talk. You won't need to know talk to type was going to revolutionize the universe. It was going to be the most important thing ever. People would just talk. You won't need to know how to type.

You know what I mean? Like, home row is stupid because we'll just talk. No, I wanted to write books as a kid. I'll just write them by talking. We got all that now. Nobody uses it. Because you don't write the way you talk. No, and you can't think the right way.

Correct. If I used talk to speech, every single month. Talk to speech. Or talk to, sorry. Translate your talk to speech. Talk to text. Every sentence I spoke would begin with and or but. Yeah. But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But. And it has delete. You'll have delete written out and period. You got to figure it's smart enough to go. But can you think fast enough? The punctuation is part of the problem. Now, I assume this is the local wizards, so it's all going to work great. That's true.

My issue is that I think that that like i know that there will never be an app that will take a photo 24 hours in the future and there will never be an app that will translate animal speak to english i have my fear with that one i have a big fear with what i have a fear i'm gonna opt into the app to allow me to translate animal speak to english and they're going to be so stupid that this is not going to be a real conversation. Yes, maybe we understand each other, but they're so dumb that they're just saying things like,

you know, you finally walk up to the horse and he's just like, hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill. What if it turns out they're way smarter than you thought? Well, that's great. Then it's like, come on, let's go.

They're not, though. No. They're not because then they would not allow us to just completely control their lives. Maybe they're just very trusting. Yes, they are very. See, here's the problem I have with this. It's not a two-way conversation. Meat stick, meat stick, meat stick.

Exactly. Give me a meat stick. Give me a meat stick give me a meat stick yum yum yum yum it's like on on up where you know they have the bark translator it's just squirrel because that's what's on his mind but it's not all just that he's a good companion he's a good friend I would prefer that the app translates English into animal speak. If the question was, which it's not, but it is now, would you rather have an app that translates all animal speak to what we could understand or that animals could understand me, I would definitely take the ability to communicate with an animal. Yeah, my dog doesn't try to talk to me.

Right, exactly. But if I could, could you know it's like i i tell my puppy like no no we don't we don't go potty inside we go potty outside she has no idea why i'm putting her outside she's like it's cold out here but if i could just explain to her what's going on she could learn so much better she could that's true you know i would rather i'll be back in a couple hours don't eat everything in the house. See you later. My dog's entire communication is she has this one spot by her door where she just will go and sit down and look at you. Now, this could mean the door's not open. I need to go to the bathroom.

This could mean you forgot to feed me. This could mean my water bowl is empty. But it's the same spot. You have to determine. It could mean like 10 plus things and she just sits in the exact same spot and you're like, I don't know. I've gone through all the lists, dog.

What do you need from me? And she only goes there when she needs something? Yes. Oh, that's funny. Oh, not again. So you need this app. It's like a baby when it's crying and you're like oh no check the diaper it's or or does he need to sleep it is very much like that except it's a

dog giving you just sad face what if the translation once you got it was i just need some love oh i i've tried i'll give her a hug but if the the translation was like, just let me go. Just let me leave. Just let me leave this place. Stop keeping me in your prison. What if we found that out? We all get that app and then they just go, let me go be with my brothers. Yeah. Where is my family? I've been searching.

Yeah, I don't want that app. I don't want that app. Give me the camera that can take a photo 24 hours. I'm going to throw a caveat in there, though, that the camera can't be used for monetary gain. Then what good is a photo? Literally, what is the point of a photo from 24 hours into the future? The only thing you would want to see into the future for is for money.

The weather? It's going to rain tomorrow. That's true. You just take a picture of the sky every morning? I mean, what practical use would it possibly give me? The outcome of any scenario. Not really. Like the day before your wife's going to give birth, you get a preview.

I don't know how you would use this. I don't either. Would you take a picture of your grandma every day and then one day she's not there? No. No. I don't want that knowledge one day ahead of time. It's your last day, grandma, thanks to this camera. Oh, no.

But then is it the last day because it was the last day? Or is it the last day because now you make your grandma do something stupid? She's like, well, if I always wanted to jump out a plane. The real question is, what would have happened if I didn't tell you about the plan? That's what I mean. I just watched The Matrix. I'm totally with you, Mike. All right.

I'm taking the app that translates Animal Speak since I can't get rich off the future. All right. Let's draft the spitballers draft i think this one's a fun one we are drafting the best places to take a nap we are all you know we're getting older naps are becoming more attractive by the moment yes i'm a pro napper professional you've probably done all of these you've probably you We're getting older. Naps are becoming more attractive by the moment. Yes. I'm a pro-napper, pro-fessional. You've probably done all of these. You can speak to the actual.

I'll let you know how your draft pick is. Thank you. Mike, you get to pick first. I mean, there are a lot of places to take a nap, and I will say this before we start. Naps are, to me, a little mysterious because there is something, at least for me, about not falling asleep on purpose that makes the sleep better. And so when you go to bed at night, you try to go to sleep.

When you nap, at least for me, a lot of times it's the drifting nap. I've had naps where I'm playing in my daughter's room and we're goofing around. She's got the radio on and she's playing. And then I'm laying on the ground and I start to drift. And that nap, that sleep seems sweeter to me. Really? Yeah, because it's just like- You're not supposed to be doing this.

It's the forbidden sleep. It's the forbidden- Stolen water tastes sweeter. That's right. For me, that's what it is. For me, a nap is it's roulette every time will i wake up refreshed or will i wake up in fact even more tired than when i started the nap there's always a fear of the because that happens the clock is like oh it's four o'clock i'm

so tired i need a nap but four o'clock is that it's like it's gone too far if i nap at four i'm never gonna wake up and have a refreshed evening all right so on my list i've got a bunch of like basic places and then just some you know a little bit more uh off the wall but i'm gonna start it off with the basic because this this is absolutely my go-to i'm just gonna start it off with the basic because this this is absolutely my go-to i'm just gonna start it off with the couch i love i love myself a good couch nap um i find that like because because a couch is it's a good place to sleep but it's you you know you're not supposed to sleep there so i at least i i usually wake up 30 minutes maybe an hour if the nap goes to maximum length but my body still wakes up and says whoa you're on the couch you're not supposed to be here mine doesn't I sleep straight through the night on that one I uh I completely understand starting

basic starting regular I cannot believe that this is here at the 102 i mean this was just like this is deleted from the whole conversation because it is the go are you seriously going boring oh you've dude i am taking my bed for sure i love napping and where i go to nap every time is my bed how do you not take my bed my bed your naps don't even know if they're sleep or naps my naps are two hours and in my bed eight hours my naps are eight hours every night no that is the clear one that's a lame lame pick that yes it is the best if this was family feud and they're like best places to take a nap i promise you when you all say good answer good answer good answer they would look up and my bed would be number one well you can go lead the generic sheep down the road.

That's fine. Come with me, my friend. It's on my list at the absolute very bottom, just in case I needed an emergency pick because it's so basic and boring. At the very, very tip top. But I guess that's just who you are. Personal attack to finish it. Well, I get two picks now, right?

That is correct. I'm picking the recliner. Okay. The recliner is my number one pick. It's on my list. It's not anywhere near the top, though. It's spectacular. I mean, it's built to slowly put you to sleep.

I mean, they rock. They recline. It's while I'm watching TV, which is like 50% of falling asleep these days. The recliner is my one-on-one. And it's the best sleeping position. Yeah, it's wonderful. Slightly inclined. Slightly inclined is the zero gravity is supposed to be the best position to sleep now i would have i would have probably taken the couch because if i go horizontal on a couch after

6 p.m goodbye i mean it's over our family routine at this point is let's put on a show and my wife saying five or six times are you still awake that's how it works but for my second pick and i've had the privilege of doing this a lot because uh um we've got one up north it's the hammock oh it's it's on my very high on my hammock now in the refreshing cool breeze just you're swinging around like you're in the womb man oh there's something just spectacular about that so um and you can even you can cozy up in a hammock you can pull it over you a little bit it's a great pick until you need to get out well who needs to get out um yeah and there's something wonderful about outside naps as well like yeah breeze oh it's of napping outside is great and and I'm sure I'll get there. But there are a couple places that are higher up on my list.

And the first one that I've got to take, and I don't think this is even on either of your guys' lists. I don't think it's there because I don't think you can do it. Don't say the toilet. I love a good nap on the toilet. I wake up and I look for the surprise. I call it a twofer. Oh, my goodness. Sorry.

Wait, that's not on your list? No, no. I don't think you guys nap here. I wonder if you can. And that's the point. A lot of people can't nap here. I can't wait to hear this. I think I know what it is.

It's an airplane. Yep. Yeah, I cannot. It's an airplane. Yep. Because. Yeah, I cannot. You like an airplane nap. You want to sit five hours on a flight? It's time travel. It's time travel.

It's 100% time travel. Who wants to sit in the chair where you can't do anything for half the time? You're not even allowed to get out of your seat. Just go to bed. I want to, Jason. I want to, Jason. I want to, too. I can never sleep on a plane. It is so delightful.

A good nap on a plane makes the day of travel totally good. So that will be my pick. And as one who has had several airplane trips with you, I can't say this is the truth like we're not even off the the tarmac yet and there's oh yeah like this dude is out dude airplanes put me to sleep jason has fallen asleep in the back seat of our car leaving wait that's on my list man um so airplane yeah i'm jealous of that one i agree i am always paranoid when I think about sleeping on a plane of being asleep and someone needing my attention or something going on. I'm always worried about it.

They'll wake you. Yeah, they will. Or I start drooling. I always worry about the snoring. Yeah, you do. There's two worries. The snoring, and that's just for people who snore, so that's not for everybody.

But the farting, that's for everybody. Wait, that's something for people who snore so that's not for everybody but the farting that's for everybody that's something you oh everybody actively worry about yeah people fart in their sleep for sure that's something your doctor told you to make you feel better nope you do and you don't want to fart farting on a plane is for monsters that is literally for the worst people it's not a matter of hearing it's making 10 other people ingest my fart. But no one will know if you're asleep. If I were on a plane and got the whip,

I would never. Depends if I'm in first class. If I'm in first class, I better not get those farts. Well, I'm just saying I would never look at the person sleeping and go, there's the culprit. That's the first one I'm judging. I'm looking at them going, yep, they couldn't control it. Alright, so I've got the couch. The next place That's the first one I'm judging. I'm looking at them going, yep, they couldn't control it. All right.

So I've got the couch. The next place, I'm going to take a couple expensive naps. Oh, dang it. So the first one that I'm going to take, I fought sleeping in this place for many years of my life, and I went to one picture show in particular and I just made the decision. This thing sucks. No,

I said, it's my dream. I'm like, this movie is awful and I'm tired. You know what? I'm going to pay for it now. I'm just going to sleep. And it was sin sensational. I woke up, pay for a nap. I'm just going to sleep. And it was sensational.

I woke up. The credits were rolling. My kids had a great time because they were entertained for two hours. I got a refreshing nap, so I'm taking the movie theater. Oh, that's good. Just embrace the movie theater nap. Parents out there, I get it. You may not want to pay for it.

Totally worth it. Totally worth it. I thought I'd get that with my last pick because i am famous for doing that oh i'm i'm all in on it now but when you lean into it oh you go quick well the thing is is you don't nap through great movies right like it's not you're not missing something great the only time you're gonna nap is when that movie can't hold your attention yes it says rockabye Baby. So, yeah, I like that pick. I'm a little bit worried about this next one because I had one on my list

that would have been my one-on-one if the one-on-one didn't drop and then would have been over the airplane. Let's hear your third. Okay, well, my third pick, unfortunately, it costs even more money than the movie theater. Oh, I know which one this is, too. This is like an uncontrollable one. You've talked about the drift.

Yes. And it's when you are getting yourself a fantastic massage. No! No! He's done it to me after you. Dang it. See, that one's even harder because you are paying to not be asleep there. But it is awesome.

Like, I have had, because i am such a proponent of the massage just the relaxing swedish massage and eventually you your brain goes into this area where you're not asleep and you are definitely not awake and you are just the only thing i can compare it to is like i feel like my brain transported, and I am soaring through the universe because in those moments of time, everything makes sense, and the second you snap out of it, you realize you were just thinking googly glop, and it was just nonsense, nonsense out there. But you snap back, you're like, oh, I am refreshed.

I am ready to take on the day oh my gosh there is there there isn't another nap like it correct that is very correct it is it is a full transportation into an ethereal realm you go to the astral plane and there are only two worries There are only two worries. Snoring and farting, my man. That is the worry on the massage table because there's no out there. There's no one else to blame, my friend. The face down position of the massage not only is super conducive to snoring,

but it's also very unfortunate for farting. Yeah. When you get done with your massage nap, do you ask for like three quarters of the money back? Oh, no. You don't understand. You should pay more. They have just taken you to a whole new world. All right.

What's your next pick, Jason? Oh, man. It was the massage table. Mike has couch, movie theater, and a massage. I have recliner, hammock. You have bed and airplane. Dang it, man. I thought for sure that would get back to me,

which is why I didn't pick it over airplane, but it's a way better pick. You know what would have gotten back to you? Bed. Well, that shouldn't have gotten past the 101. I will fight you on that. Okay, so here's where i'm going i am i am going with a wonderful location that we all like it's beautiful we talk about the breeze i'm outside i said i'd pick an outside location but it's not just outside where there's a breeze there's also some sound. Oh, yeah, baby. Some beautiful, wonderful crashing waves of the beach, baby.

I'm under an umbrella on that towel, falling asleep with the crashing waves nearby. Very high on my list. Ooh, yeah. A beach nap is dangerous. It is very, very dangerous. The tide has come in. I'm burning. Yeah, you can sunburn.

I'm under an umbrella. I don't do the sun. Guys, I'm going to tell you the truth right now. Your list is empty. I'm burning. Yeah, you can sunburn. I'm under an umbrella. I don't do the sun. Guys, I'm going to tell you the truth right now. Your list is empty. I was riding dirty. Oh, yes. I thought there's no chance you're hitting my movie theater. I thought there's no chance you're hitting my beach.

Now, do you prefer on the towel on the sand, or do you prefer the lawn chair, Jason? I would prefer the lawn chair because i like the incline oh really i go i do the the face down on the towel are you a belly sleeper yeah a lot of time i am so are you are you actively trying to tan at that moment i'm actively trying to sleep okay so you're underneath an umbrella sometimes sometimes you just got to make sure you got the sunblock on. Oh, my gosh. Eight hours later. All right. I'm going to have to make some horrible picks.

Oh, yeah. I'd love to hear it. I've got my last pick all lined up. I can DM you some. No, no. I mean, I have some horrible choices here, but they're not. I mean, the beach nap. Yeah, it's great.

How could you do that to me? Because Mike stole my massage. All right, I'm going to go passenger seat of a car. Okay. Road tripping, napping in the car. It's like the airplane. It's like what a train would be. You get the droning sound.

It's also the most disrespectful nap. Oh, right. Yeah. My wife, she does this to me all the time which like a car just puts you drive a car puts her to sleep so it's i can't really hold it against her but it's just like hey uh thanks for being the one doing the driving i'm going to take a nap while you are fully focused and locked in for eight hours so we don't die oh for sure but here's the here's the thing most of those drives where the nap comes into play oh they're they're long

drives they're vacation drives yes they're i woke up early to get out of the house to maximize our vacation you know what you could use a little extra sleep but she gets to sleep while you drive i totally understand. My wife does this to me pretty much every long drive. And again, I don't blame her because if she was driving, I'm napping. I mean, that's for sure. So this was my next pick was the backseat of a car. But yeah, passenger seat, just not the driver.

No, not without autopilot. Not recommended. But listen, I don't have a lot of really desire. I'm going to just go with not a place that I think would be a great nap, but a place that I've taken a lot of great naps. And I didn't mean to because sometimes you don't mean to. You just nap, right? It just happens.

So I'm going to have to go with the ground. Oh, my goodness. I've fallen asleep on the ground way too many times. I have done several short fallen asleep on the ground way too many times. I have done several short naps on the carpet. It wasn't on purpose. I'm sorry. Many times, like after coming home from work, if it was just a particularly long day, done multiple shows, I get home and you're just like, I can't even make it to the couch.

Do the collapse? This is good. This rug is soft. I'm going to you're just like, I can't even make it to the couch. I'm just like, this is good. This rug is soft. I'm going to lay down and I'm going to. Now, I'm never happy when I wake up from a ground nap. Oh, never. You had to slobber. Oh, and the level of like my, my. Your back.

My bones are misaligned when you get up off a ground nap. Yeah. You said you get up and you go, oh, no, I made a mistake. I slept on the ground, didn't I? So I will ask a question before you close it out. Have any of you accidentally napped at another person's house? Accidentally? I don't.

Other than the dozing off, like the and then wake yourself up type. Like I'm trying not to sleep. I'm on the couch. Yeah. I have never that I can remember. I've never like purposely strolled into their bed. That's the number one place to sleep. Yeah.

I've definitely fallen asleep at someone's house. Two more picks. Yep. All right. I am up. This is, this is tough. Unlike Andy,

Andy picked an awful place that is common to nap. I want the exact opposite. I'm going to pick a place that maybe I haven't napped there a lot in my life, or you might say ever, but it's a picturesque, perfect nap. Where you'd like to nap? That's where I'd like to nap. It's under the shade of a tree i'm outside you know the picnic blanket yeah that's called the ant nap it could be i mean i gotta pick my tree well but i you know the the i've got the beach noise but i got the i want

the birds too you're trying to hijack a little hammock magic underneath the tree no i have the park it was on my the nap under the tree is the picturesque, you know. It's like the silhouette sitting under the tree. Yeah, I'm leaning up back against the tree. Maybe you got a book. Exactly. Maybe you don't. I have a book.

I read one page. It put me to sleep. All right, Mike. You got to close it out. All right. I have my final pick here. We've been talking about all different kinds of naps. And there's also the micro nap. It may just be it's a few short minutes, but this reprieve can really save the day.

Like there's a place you go. There's a particular theme park. If you go in the summer, it's hot. It's sweltering. I know what you're picking. You're darn right you know what I'm picking. You're picking that? You're darn right I am. You're walking around all picking. You're darn right you know what I'm picking. You're picking that? You're darn right I am.

You're walking around all day. You're standing in line all day. You've been dealing with your family and you're like, I'm so hot. I'm so sweaty. Just give me a place that I can sit down. We're moving around. It's calm. And there's air conditioning blasting. And I am taking a small world from

Disneyland because all parents know that if you have experienced disneyland in the heat of summer when you get on that ride it is just a magic miracle that saves you it's just a few moments but that you can recharge and get back out there and look when you're that tired skip it when you're that tired, you tune out the song. You don't even hear it, and you just sit on a hard boat. Actually, the nap is even better during the winter when you get the Christmas music.

Hey, you could take that too. It's funny because I have definitely found that to be a desirable place. A couple of the desperation ones I had down here was, one was at a furniture store. That sounds like one I'd like to try. That's a scandalous nap. Let me really try.

What's your best mattress? There's two worries at a furniture store. You have a lot of nap fear, don't you? I do. I've got two fears about napping. The only other one I had, like Hail Mary, was a treehouse, which I've never done. I don't know if there's been a lot of treehouse naps. I don't know that they're big enough to nap.

We can make it happen. Tree mansion. I've got a pool lawn chair, but I had the beach, so I didn't do that. I imagine a train nap is nice, too. Oh, I did an overnight train ride as a young lad and nice nap it's it's just it's just you you get the rhythmic sound and you're slightly swaying back and forth it it was fantastic what did we learn today i learned that there indeed, you guys might not have known this, 12 months in the year.

12 months. 12 full months. Not 10. A lot of people think it's 10. It's an educational show here. Yeah, it's 12. I learned that there is no purpose to seeing the future outside of making money. And weather.

Knowing the weather. That is the only purpose to seeing the future outside of making money and weather you and knowing the weather that is the only purpose to seeing the future and i learned that can one truly know oneself no i don't think you can you learn nothing you just ask questions the mysteries of the universe that's what this show's all about it is thank you for listening everybody we will see you next time on the spitballers podcast tell your friends goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com