Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Step Stool Defense & Actors To Defend You In Court - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

Spit Hit for September 4th, 2023: On today’s episode, we talk about eliminating snacking, assembling Lego, and talking to dead people. We also construct the perfect sandwich and come up with the ultimate disrespectful driver-to-driver hand signal. We shut it down with a draft of actors to defend us in court. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit wads, today is Labor Day and I know what you're all thinking, what is Labor Day? Labor Day is a day where we celebrate the labor that women have to go in for pregnancy and in honor of the birth of all of us, we are giving you a classic spit hit. Enjoy the labor of our pregnancy on this great labor day. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast podcast with andy mike and jason uh welcome in we we've all got our 200 shows sure we've all got our stuff yep and it's not stuff that i don't think any of us are sitting down with a notebook saying this is my stuff and we write it down and we say this is how i'm gonna

scat i've got 50 shows already planned uh i'm sure you do but but but really what's funny is when you start to notice patterns now i know i don't know if you guys knew this one of the top words i go to at the end of my scat is in fact the word bedingy. Yeah. Yep. You've done that like a time. But I've noticed in Jason's scats that they begin kind of low. He's a whispering scatter. Yeah, he whispers. But he does kind of get into the bow at the end of it. There was like a, I don't even know what you said at the end.

I'll have to check the tape later. Yeah, it was good. I was good. I just you said at the end. I'll have to check the tape later. Yeah, it was good. I just like to escalate it. I'm bringing it in slowly and then saying, let's get this show going. And like that term, as we say in music, we is the climax is the crescendo. Right. That's what I was meaning. Yeah.

Yeah. Welcome into episode 196. Would you rather? That's a great question on today's show and a spectacular draft, of course. There's only one kind of draft that we deliver. Spectacular. Spitballerspod.com is the website. Thank you for following the show on Apple Podcasts, on Spotify, wherever you're listening.

Maybe you're watching. Maybe you're watching on YouTube.com slash spitballers. You guys want to get it going? Sure. Would you rather? All right, Mindy. Oh, Mindy from Patreon, supporting the show. Join the spit.com.

Would you rather be able to eat three meals per day, but no snacks, or snack whenever you want, but no meals? Okay. Okay. So I'll take some thought here. The age-old question of, do you like snacking, or do you like a meal? Mm-hmm. This is difficult, because I legitimately thought about this the other day.

I have a habit. We eat well here at the studio. As in like we eat a lot of food. We eat a lot here. That is all I mean. People are never hungry in this office. Correct. Correct.

And so I have found myself eating a very small portion at dinner just based on hunger because I fill up here. dinner just based on hunger because i fill up here and i realized that i i could absolutely get by without a main dinner just snacking a little bit okay it's you know oh god you know some crackers and cheese and then maybe later i have some chips and ice cream or something just some snacks sure you are you are a snack man you snacks are great i it's a pretty common occurrence in the afternoon that you'll go raid our snack bin and find something. I get in snacky moods. Yeah. You've got stories coming in all the time about the ice cream or tortilla chips you've been eating at night, watching shows.

I've been known to snack. See, I love both snacking and meals. So this is a real problem for me. So what would you go with if you actually had to draw that line in the sand? I think I would have. Because you like a late night snack. I love snacks. I love them so much.

But I think I would have to. I mean, if you can only have one, you've got to have the sustenance. You can sustain yourself with snacks. Oh, you know I can. Absolutely I can. Absolutely I can, but there's no way to snack enough. That's going to be my entire sustenance, and it be healthy. I'm not eating healthy little- You're not cooking up some green beans as a snack and eating them on the couch.

Okay, yeah. It's just never going to happen. That's a fair point. The snack is- Guys. Oh. on the couch. Okay. It's just never going to happen. That's a fair point. The snack is... Guys. Oh. I'm sorry. Okay.

But I need to know what makes the difference between a meal and a snack because I think a lot of the times we're putting this in our brains is it's where you eat it. It's the location. No. But I've eaten volumes of calories on a couch.

How come the volume of calories doesn't make it a meal? It's the timing. That's it? Yeah. There's windows that are allowed for meals. Oh, really? Yeah. You can't snack on steak.

You know what I mean? No, you could kebab. Yeah, you can. You could have a kebab. Right, but that's what I'm saying. You've got to convert it into a snack form. A nice filet mignon as a whole. You could never call that a snack.

But what if you had eaten a filet the night before, and then you're coming down. Just leftovers. Yeah, but you're coming downstairs at 9 o'clock. You're like, I want a few bites. That's not a snack. That's a snack. You're not having a meal.

That's definitely a snack. Yeah. I think if you eat the steak with your hands, you bypass some of these rules. Oh, that's true. Like, if you don't sit down and fork and knife this thing, you're just picking it up. You're snacking like a caveman. What snacks do you eat with utensils? What are common utensil-based snacks?

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Because the only thing I can think of is like a yogurt. No, I mean a bowl of ice cream is a snack, and eat it with a spoon okay all right i mean that one's definitely in a bowl of cereal late at night that's not a meal right is it it's that's fourth meal yep 100 yeah just because it's what about the type okay just because the size of the bowl doesn't matter just because it's not a dinner time doesn't mean that it's a snack. It's still a meal. You're just having more than three meals in a day, like me. If you choose the one where you don't get meals on this would-you-rather question,

then at some point you can't circumvent this with quantity. You actually have to snack. Oh, yeah, you're going to be snacking all the time. You'll probably be snacking like five times a day. You're telling me you can overcome the snack thing thing and there's some things that are other meals. You couldn't have that bowl of cereal then. Ever. No.

You could not ever have a bowl of cereal. Now you could have it without milk in a cup. Absolutely. It's funny how inherent this is. There are no rules. There are no rules like we tried to get it with quantity. We tried to get it with time of day, fork and utensils. There are no rules, but we know what a snack is and what a meal is.

If we got 1,200 things on a list and we all blindly checked which one it is, we'd answer the same thing for all of them. No quantity of peanuts can ever be a meal. Exactly. That is true. Isn't that true? No, you cannot peanut into a meal. What are you having for dinner tonight?

Peanuts. A lot of them. Unless you smash them up and make them buttery and put them on a piece of bread. Then that's totally fine. You can meal that. You can meal that. Yeah. Man.

All right. I was born. I know right from wrong. I know snacks from wrong. I know snacks for meals. And are you going with the meals or the meals? I can move. I could go through every day of my life and never have a snack. So you're not a snack.

I'm going to go snacks. I'm snacks, Jason. Which side are you on? I have to take the meals. And I think that this would be so good. This is just something I should do. I should just eat meals and stop snacking. Okay. I feel like you've learned a lot of things you should do i should just yeah eat meals and stop snacking okay i feel like you've learned a lot of things you should do from this podcast well to be fair i already knew them

but there's a difference between having knowledge and following knowledge and wisdom sure yes all right would you rather get paid fifty thousand dollars a year to moderate flagged Instagram posts for eight hours a day or $100,000 a year to assemble Lego display sets for 10 hours a day. It's even longer, a 10-hour day. I don't know if you know this, Mike, because I know you've been known to Lego. Yes. And Jason, I don't know if you've been known to lego or not i don't not really not don't think so you can enter a flow state while you lego yes there's kind of a it's like uh the people that like doing puzzles it's very

similar to that it's just kind of you're just you're not concentrating too hard but you're not not concentrating it's good for you i think that's the way i would go i love a lego set for my birthday uh the fam got me that the old school nintendo entertainment system television set and i spent the weekend putting it together with my kids it was a great time did you get into a le flow? Oh, I love putting them together, but here's the problem. This was a two-day project, and it was like the afternoon for two days.

Probably 10 plus hours total or whatever around there. By the end of it, though, my thumbs were annihilated. Parts of my index fingers from snapping together. You would have to build some calluses, Mike. You would have to, yes.

You would build calluses. Like a guitar player, your hands would have very specific Lego calluses. You could just take things out of the oven, no gloves. Once you've done this job long enough, just use your fingertips and that's not

burning you. Those call job long enough, just use your fingertips, and that's not burning you. Those calluses are just, they might as well be heat. I don't think there's enough money you could pay me to moderate flagged posts, though, because that is like, it's like somebody saying, if I paid you a million dollars a year to take little sips of poison every few minutes, you would eventually, I mean, it's corrupting your mind and your soul. This is no joke because back in the day yeah i was hoping you'd bring it yeah back in the day uh used to run a business called

pyzam and we had some employees and we made um a a thing where users can upload photos to use on social media i think it was like a slideshow program that we made or something. And my best friend at the time, Brian Ketron. Bro! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! He's going to be so happy.

Oh, no! Well, hold on. Cut that out. Brian Ketron is a loser who was never much. You're too far gone, Jason. You cannot recover from that. That was the most Freudian slip of all time. I'm offended.

Oh, what? Brian. Yeah, Brian. Disgusting. Bryant Kaler. So you can see how- Why are we giving away names? I'm just saying we had-

He lives at 1234. I don't understand this. I don't either. What happened to I know a guy? Yeah. Okay, I know just saying. He lives at 1234. I don't understand this. I don't either. What happened to I know a guy? Yeah. Okay, I know a guy. See, you don't know who it is. But they had to do this job.

Do this exact job. And it was far more devastating than you could ever imagine because people are the worst there's things you shouldn't see no that's all there is to it we'll leave it there on spitballers yeah i don't think that there's any any way you could take the fifty thousand dollar a year job and you're getting paid more money to do legos but it's longer it's two hours fine it's not like it's double the length of i'm not doing the other one for a million dollars i get that but a 10-hour workday that's a lot of time yeah a lot of calluses that would that would become tedious and awful no question no question but i would at least when i go home at the end of the day i'll have built something you will not have been destroyed yeah

randy from patreon would you rather be able to talk to dead people or visit with aliens oh very simple question here here we go randy yeah very simple and yet diving into this question exactly talking to dead people the nuance or visiting with aliens i mean there are there are people who claim they can speak to dead people. There are people that have claimed to have visited aliens. Well, they have more of like aliens visited them. Yeah, but all one and the same. Been abducted.

Oh, man. I don't even know where to start. Well, I think that... So there's pros and cons to both of these. Each one of these says... Like, speaking to dead people, there's some, you know, you've got a family member that you've lost. That's great.

But we've all seen Sixth Sense. It's not, it's, I feel like that could be scary. That could be really scary. The documentary? Yes, the documentary. But that's if you don't know. No. None of them were, like, talking to their grandma.

If I knew, like, if I'm well aware that i could talk to dead people i definitely think that could be bad but you can only talk to them like they're not they're not walking around they're just you have a you have a special red glowy telephone and you can phone oh so they're not just hanging out with yeah you can just you don't have to worry about like so i have to initiate it i can't just i know they can call you of course that's the problem if i'm walking around and all of a sudden someone's talking to me... You can screen a call from a dead person. Yeah.

I feel like I would... Hi, you've reached the... I would become a crazy person. It's your grandfather again. I'm bored. When are you going to make something of your life? It's just a bunch of pestering. By the way, cancer really stunk you're still doing that

podcast uh making us proud the visit with aliens has equal risk i mean the visit could be unpleasant in fact most of the knowledge that i have from you know movies uh their their experiments could be happening i think it will be pleasant. You think it will be pleasant? Your odds are not good. I think they're fantastic. That it will be pleasant? Yes. I think that once a being of intelligence has created technology that they can actually get to this earth and then communicate with us, I think it will be peaceful.

Well, there's a chance. But also, you don't hesitate to swat a fly. You know what I mean? Like, we could be nothing to these superior beings. But I swat the fly that's in my house. Well, you also swat the fly that's, like, hanging out over all your resources. Yeah, you swat the fly in's in my house. Well, you also swat the fly that's like hanging out over all your resources. Yeah, you swat the fly in the house that you just moved into that was his house.

And you're like, does a nice house fly? Get out of here. If they need a new house, then there's a problem. And they might have left because they don't have an old house. Okay, that's fair. But I still think if they're that smart. So you'll be the one to go up and shake the hand. Sure.

Or shake the whatever tentacle i think i i would put the odds at 65 percent that if if if aliens come here we're annihilated 65 65 we're gone we're toast what are the odds that they're just alerted to water come on see it could turn out that the aliens are in fact completely inferior and really dumb that that they in they invade a place that is 80 of something that kills them look i would happen i would still try this out versus some of the other planets we got but okay i i think i'm gonna do the dead person one i'm gonna do i've got people i miss i do aliens because i can talk to people enough when they're alive i don't need to add to that i can't talk to aliens unless i but now i got i got one more question here about the aliens are other people aware like do you have to become the only ambassador?

Like, only you may speak to the aliens. So everybody's going to be loading up. Jay, Jay. What did they say? You got to ask the alien about this. You got to ask the alien about this. There could be a burden. Yeah.

Like the White House. Like you're the interpreter. White House is going to be knocking down your door saying, we need you to ask these questions of the aliens. You'd have a lot of power. Yeah, I was going to say. was gonna say i want that burden that's a burden i i would i would request because the power you would have i mean you would you would be on top of whatever you wanted to be on top of uh let's the galaxy that's right uh do we have time for another would you rather yeah let's

do one more all right how you How are you doing today, Al? Doing great. Yeah. You're probably busy with show 200. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot of work. I know.

I saw you had the nails and the hammer and the saw and all that stuff. I didn't know how much building was involved in show 200. The construction costs. Yeah. You guys aren't going to want the bill. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. It's going to be good. Spare no expense.

I mean, fireworks, right? Just supply chain issues. I don't know. But no, I'm glad you're doing well. We got the judge in the house, too. Are you on microphone, Judge? Hey-o. Oh, yeah, he's there.

I'm surprised Owl survived Jason labeling Brian as his best friend. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. That probably hit him in the heart. Well, it was a terrible mistake. I mean, it was probably one of the big three regrets in my life. Now, Al,

Brooks is not helping you, right? Because I made it very clear this is a you-only project for Show 200. Brooks can't help himself but to help everybody. Oh, man. Dang it, he's helping. All right, Jess from the website. For 30 minutes per day, would you rather have to crab walk everywhere or bear crawl everywhere?

So crab walk is your back is facing the ground and you're on all fours. Yeah, and going backwards. And you're going backwards. Going towards your feet? No, your head. No, I think Jason's right. I think you can go any direction.

I don't think you have to walk backwards in a crab walk. I thought the definition of the P.E. crab walk was... It was backwards. It was often backwards, yeah. But I think it could work all the way. I mean, you know the position. Okay, fine. You're on your hands...

That's not comfortable. On your hands and feet, basically in like bridge. So your tummy is facing up. Your booty's off the ground. Don't you put that booty down. Right. Yeah. So your knees are off the ground as well, right? Correct. Yeah't you put that booty down. Right. So your knees are off the ground as well. Yeah, you're on your feet.

You're like this. You're back. Oh, for the crab. For the crab. I'm saying for the bear. The bear walk, your toes are down and your hands are down and that's it. And your knees are up. Yeah, and your booty's up.

They're actually pretty close. They're just inverted. Okay. That's right. That's right. You don't have to have the the booty up you just have to have the feet and the hands right which position could you just hold longer the crab right no bear really yeah i feel like the top of your for sure no way yes you can lock your arms yeah, the crab lock. You're not using any of your muscles in the crab. Sure. Just sit on an enclosed joint for 30 minutes and see how that goes.

You two should face off. One crab, one bear. What would give out first in a crab walk position hold? Your legs or your arms? I think your arms. Yeah, I think your arms. I mean, your legs are going to be fine. That's such an awkward position.

Your back, sort of. I mean, it's kind of to be fine. That's such an awkward position. Maybe your back, sort of. I mean, it's kind of your back giving out because you've got to put your booty down. So 30 minutes per day you have to do this. So you've got to go out for your 30-minute walk. I mean, you've got to go out every evening or every morning, and you've got to go for your little walk, and I think I'm crab walking. I mean, but then you're going to get nowhere. I know.

It's fine. If I walk crab style for 30 minutes, I maybe got to my mailbox. What are you getting as a bear walk? Oh, you can run in bear position if you needed to. I'm not saying that I would run for 30 minutes. I'm just saying you could. You could. The fastest you can crab walk is like...

But I don't think you can go very fast in a bear walk. Are you putting both hands up like a gazelle? No. Like, are you... You're not... If you were going to run, if youelle? No. Like, are you, you're not. If you were going to run, if you were going to bear crawl as a run, then. Would both hands go up? I don't know. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Versus just alternating arms? It would be alternating arms. This is such good radio. Maybe. You might, you might turn into like a bit of a cheetah. And gallop? I can't gallop.

You might. You've seen my shape. You can crab walk. Also, I don't know why Jason's so concerned about how far he's moving doing these activities. I think that this is a 30 minutes of your day that is devoted to just physical fitness of these two activities, or one. But the thing is, if i have to you know travel for 30 minutes a day you don't have to travel have to travel you can just be in the office

but why would i want to crawl around oh you're thinking like you're not thinking of it like i was where like every night you go out and crab walk you're thinking of it as there's just an alarm that goes off during the day and you move into your crab or bear position and try to move on through the day yeah so you have to accomplish something so i've got 30 30 minutes i've got to be in one of these positions right the crab walk means i've got 30 minutes and where i cannot function i i don't think you could do anything what's easier to eat in crab walk or bear walk bear bear like to i don't know give me a bowl How in the world would you eat on your back? You got a tray.

That's how emperors eat. They get fed on their... They're laying on their backs. So someone has to feed you. Yeah. Yeah, that part's... Yeah, I guess getting the food into the mouth part... Because your hands are stuck on the floor.

You can carry it around. I think I might go bear in case I need to use the restroom during that 30 minutes. Ooh, good call. One of those is sad, and one of those is horrific. Right. One of those is a real problem. It's like a little infant boy. I mean, the irony is that the crab can go number two a little bit better,

and the bear can go number one. A bear goes number two in the forest. See, you're not really a bear in this situation, though, are you? In my mind, I am. In bear position, you can absolutely spread your legs and take a dump. I could make this happen. And there you go. So I'm taking the bear.

All right, and let's move it on down the road. That's a great question. Nothing greater than that last one, though, right? Of course. This one comes in from patreon when constructing the perfect sandwich does the cheese go on top middle or bottom of the meat this is kind of a so we're talking this is a deli sandwich yeah i mean clearly there are multiple for there to be a middle there must be multiple meats well i, it could be a double cheeseburger.

Certainly. Certainly. But that's not considered a perfect sandwich. No, it is not. A cheeseburger is not a sandwich. So it's a burger. That's right. So let's say you've got a piece of cheese and you've got some ham and you've got some turkey.

So let's just make it simple. And then where do you put the cheese in that equation? Because I have where I would go by default, but I'm really curious. I know where I would go, and I also know where you should go. And are they the same? They are not the same. So you're saying that people out there making thousands of sandwiches every day, they're making them imperfect. They're making them easy.

Oh, okay. You think it belongs in the middle, don't you? You're darn right I do. But the easy thing is on top. That's right. You play all your meat down. And bottom just seems broken. Bottom is weird.

But you're eating it the same, but it does seem wrong. You're not eating it quite the same because your tongue is going to get that cheese first. And cheese, while delicious, is not as salty and delicious is that what it is it's like a order of operations absolutely the sandwich will taste how slow are you biting this sandwich oh not slow at all my man my tongue that's what i'm but how are you distinguishing which flavor you are getting first if you're biting there's a there's a savoring phase absolutely it's like eating a pringle upside down. You're getting that flavor. Nice comp, bro.

You're getting that flavor immediately hitting that tongue, and then it all blends in together. Have you never eaten Pringles upside down? I didn't realize. Do you do it on purpose because you want the flavor more? Yes. There's an upside down? I don't eat them upside down. You're not upside down.

That's not my mouth shape. You're not upside down. You're in a crab walk, you see? Yeah. You've never eaten Pringles upside down. That's not my mouth shape. You're not upside down. You're in a crab walk, you see? Yeah. You've never eaten Pringles upside down? You just put your feet up on the wall, do a handstand, and then have someone feed you Pringles. I know we're talking sandwiches, but now I'm thinking about Pringles. Wait a second.

The deuces are also confirming you eat Pringles upside down on purpose? Oh, yeah. Yeah, my people. What? Yes. Because it is so much more flavorful. That delicious powder they put on there, man. Can I get...

Is it okay to eat a whole thing? Yes, for sure. It's expected. All right. I mean, it's not... It's not expected. It's why it says serving size one. It's five servings.

Well, 150 calories a serving. Those people are... I've become an unadulterated, passionate, regular Pringles devotee. Interesting. What's your go-to? I mean, my go-to is still a plain Pringle. The original? Yeah, they're great.

But I go with, look, I have a four. The cheddar cheese is tremendous. Absolutely. The ranch is tremendous. It's great. The original is tremendous. Absolutely. The ranch is tremendous. It's great. The original is great. And then I can justify it mentally to eat the lightly salted regular and then twice as much. Now, see, I have a bone to pick with Pringles.

I don't know what happened. I can't fit my arm in there. No one can. What I don't understand is the universal color for salt and vinegar chips is blue. For the container. Yeah. And once upon a time, at least in my mind, how I remember it is, no, blue was salt and vinegar. Yeah.

But now that blue is the sour cream and onion. Or no, no, I'm sorry. That's the cheddar and sour cream and onion. No, I'm sorry. The cheddar and sour cream. I don't know what happened. When I just looked up Pringles blue can, I see Pringles, and I'm looking at the can right now. It's all salt and vinegar. It's all salt and vinegar.

But the cheddar and sour cream is now in a blue can as well. Cheddar and sour cream. No, it's in a lighter blue. I think it's a lighter blue. Right. Yeah, you're right. But why is that light blue? Instead of green?

Because ranch is green. No, green is sour cream and onion. Which is the best. Instead of cheddar and sour cream. I misspoke. But cheddar and sour cream. Light blue? What are we doing here?

What's your color for cheddar and sour cream then? It's got to be... Not blue. It has to be... Like a light yellow? Exactly right. Sure. Because cheddar.

Yes. You ever... Don't eat blue cheddar. It's what mama always told me. Have you ever had the party packs that have got a little extra on top? Oh, yeah. That's just family size. That's party size.

Yeah. It's funny debating them because they're all delicious. There isn't a bad Pringle. I would agree with that. There's not a bad Pringle, but sour cream and onions, the goat. That's your favorite? Yeah, by far. So, Mike, you've literally never turned a Pringle over and let that just slam into your tongue.

It fits in your mouth so perfect the other way. Yeah. The OG way. The shape of my mouth matches up perfectly with the Pringle. Yeah. It's just like, no way. Do you take a bite then? Are you a psycho up perfectly with the Pringle. Yeah, it's just like... Do you take a bite then? Are you a psycho and you bite the Pringle?

No, I don't take a bite. I pop that sucker in my mouth. Upside down. Upside down. Then you turn it. Under the tongue? You got sharp ridges going all up into the roof of your mouth. I don't know if I can make...

I'll try it, guys. Don't get me wrong. I ordered literally like, I don't know, 20 Pringle containers the other day this is just very sounds very dangerous but risky behavior my research show they started out rectangle Mike you should have seen those my research shows that the order that your tongue hits something before fully biting it up and chewing it and it all becomes one thing totally changes the flavor. You might be right, but that doesn't mean that people, some people like cheese a lot, like myself. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Before we go back to sandwiches. So you're telling me on the Pringles, the upside down, is it because the other side is coated with more of the artificial flavoring? It is coated with more of the powder. Okay. You didn't get that the whole time? Well, I was just trying to confirm. Because at first I thought it was a physics shape thing. No, no, no.

The shape is worse. I will grant that. But the shape is not as bad as you think. And we'll give it a go tonight. All right. Moments from now. Yeah. I think everybody that is making a generic sandwich puts meat and then cheese on top.

Yeah. That's what everybody, if you are like, well, no, I put the cheese down and then the meat, you're kind of weird. I recommend you do the cheese on top of the meat, but double up the cheese. Oh, okay. People don't double the cheese enough, and I don't know why. I'm with that. Cheese should be middle and the top.

Oh, double, oh, yeah. Middle and top. And if you want to put it on the bottom, I'm not be middle and the top. Oh, double. Oh, yeah. Middle and top. And if you want to put it on the bottom, I'm not going to call the police. Sure. Triple cheese. Triple cheese. Look, it ain't easy being cheesy, and I love it.

I would much rather triple meat. I'd rather meat, cheese, meat, cheese. Hear me out. Hear me out. You are a meat. Hear me out. Cheese, meat. Okay. Meat, cheese.

Meat, cheese. Meat, cheese. Cheese, meat. Cheese, meat. Okay, that's, I'm in. And then you butter the bread. Oh, you have to butter it. Also.

With some mayo. You have Siri on standby with the ambulance. Now wait, you were the one telling me you should put mayo in and use that for a grilled cheese. Yes. Which I've still never done. It's not. Wait, instead of butter on the outside? Or with butter

it is not better it is a perfectly acceptable substitute if you are going to make a grilled cheese and you're like oh no i don't have butter whatever if you put mayo on there it grills the same it grills the same and works okay perfectly but no taste difference not really like that's unfortunate it's it's it's surprising that it you would think it would have a massive taste difference. Food is delicious. I love food. Yeah. All right.

Arnold from Patreon. Are there more sticks of gum or bottles of water in the world? Okay. Here we go. That's a weird one. Or was it wheels, doors? Wheels and windows. Yeah. Sticks of gum or bottles of water in the world.

I want to say bottles of water. Oh, I want to say gum. Well, well, well. I feel like it's easily gum. Lucky neither of us actually said that. We only wanted to say it. We need Jason to handle this. My initial instinct is sticks of gum.

They're so tiny. There's so many in a box. Absolutely. Every gas station. They're moving away from sticks, though, guys. Let's just talk. There's a lot of cubes. Let's those count.

Do the cubes count? No. Individual pieces of gum. Yeah, this is just the stick. I will. I will. I will see that argument. Just talk about a gas station.

What does a gas station have more of? Sticks of gum. It's got to be gum. Or bottles of water. Yeah, because bottles of water take up so much room. Yeah. And while they probably do have more real estate, you just can't compete with the amount of gum that can be stacked in this little tiny area but here's the real reason i think that there are more sticks of gum

in the world than there are bottles of water bottles of water are on a long enough timeline they're they're a pretty new invention yeah sticks of gum been around like for a century but those sticks of gum have are no longer sticks of gum not all but the bottle water's still there not all sticks not all sticks of gum get eaten you're you're plenty of packs are old they get thrown away that doesn't mean they don't exist okay so you're counting the sticks of gum in the dump yes absolutely if it's a stick it says on the earth. You think gum came out a lot before water? I think sticks of gum came out before bottled water for sure.

50 years before water at least. Bottled water was invented in our lifetime. I think the sticks of gum must have been invented probably when they got stuffed into the... Like when the sports cards got put into the... No, forever. Modern chewing gum was first developed in the 1860s.

That was no stick. Modern chewing gum. Yeah, I'm looking at it. Modern means stick of gum. Yeah, thank you. It's just a fancy... When did bottled water come out? When plastics came out?

Like the 90s? No. People... Oh, because it's glass. Because they had glass bottles and stuff? Late 80s, maybe? Yeah, let me look it up. So we're talking plastic water bottles.

1973 is when plastic water bottles were invented. So there you go. So over 100 years. So yeah, sticks of gum wins, because history. Well, no, I mean, all the chewed gum doesn't count, though, right? I would agree with that. But he's just saying that if a pack got tossed, now that's 12 sticks of gum. But what about now?

What about today? Just active. Just chewable. Chewable, fresh, chewable gum versus drinkable water. I still think it's gum. All right. Yeah, I'm going gum. All right, let's go to Sean from the website.

What's the hand signal to another driver that they've had their blinker on for the last 20 minutes there's a couple it's isn't it isn't it this so you for the people listening at home andy is opening and closing his hand which like a blinker like it's that's not a bad visual representation of i've done that before representation of something that is flashing. Yeah, I mean, I can't imagine I would use a hand signal. Well, you have to. Well, I realize that's the question, but I'm just saying in life, it's usually a flash the brights, right? That means your lights are off.

Right, I agree. That is the default. Or get their attention. That could be a get their attention. But if someone flashed their brights at me, I gonna check my light i'm gonna go oh are my lights off oh my blinkers on i'm not telling anybody for what it's worth i'm not telling anybody if they have their blinker i don't care yeah the correct result is just laughter yeah i'm just laughing at this person driving around like a dummy so maybe maybe it should be a thumbs down maybe it should just be a drive no there's no you roll down the window you get my thumbs down like yeah that is okay so what do you i don't

even know what i think of someone thumbs down that is such a good idea not just not for this but like just in general universe like the universal symbol that a driver will give you they'll give you the bird and you're're like, oh. That's rude. And what did I do? Yeah, what did you do? You deserve that. And if you've ever been hit with it, it feels bad. But if someone drove by and just gave you a thumbs down?

Oh, man. I mean, you would have absolutely no idea, but you would be tilted off the face of the earth. What if they did the stink face? Plug the nose and go down i mean you better be on auto drive because i recommend one hand on the wheel but i think a thumbs down will really get them soul searching it will um and so do you ever hear seinfeld talk about how easy it is to give the finger and how if you really wanted to offend somebody it should take more effort like

giving them the toe he says if you take your shoe and your sock off and you hang that toe up there that's what i'm talking about a thumbs down that's in i don't know what to do a thumbs down would be that's a new level of insult and i can do that in front of my kids my kids can be in the car yeah and i'm really upset at this driver who's been doing a very poor job of driving that window goes down thumbs down and i drive off i'm using this hey honey why do you why do you look so sad what happened today somebody gave me a thumbs down and i don't know why i'm driving on the freeway and a guy grabbed his nose that is really stinky could he smell me and he looked at me with the pu face oh boy okay let's uh let's jump into this draft The Spitballers Draft.

All right. Today we are drafting the... Basically, we're drafting the best male actors to defend you in a court of law. So this is not... This is who could be the most, what, convincing representation for you? It can be however you want.

And this is not characters. No. So we are not drafting... Matlock. Yes, you are not drafting... That's a great one. You are not drafting Perry Mason to represent you.

Benjamin Button. You are drafting that actor based on how well you think they could defend you can i just say something and i and i know this show is meant to be evergreen but like johnny depp's trial has been going on recently yes and i can't help but wonder if his incredible acting skills really benefit him in court i think they do because if he did something right or wrong like any actor in the world i'll

just let me broaden it if any actor does something and they're put on trial and interrogated relentlessly and they have to lie aren't they the best at it in the world yeah they've got a lot of practice it is but that is it is for it it is actor v actress so we're we have some equal Equal playing ground. That's true. But, whatever, this is not current, but my wife is hooked on this J-Dep case. Like, I come home and I get the entire rundown of what is... So, has either of your wives been pulled in to the drama that is the case? No, my wife has no clue what happens outside of her in the regular world at any time.

But I've watched enough clips of it to have that thought. That's where I'm at. It's just everywhere on social media where you can't not see all sorts of clips. All right. Jason, you have the number one pick, best male actors to defend you in court. We're putting together a nice team to, you know, get the jury on our side, convince the judge that, you know, you're innocent.

Well, first and foremost, I want charisma. Okay, that I want. I'm intrigued to see what route people go. So I want a charismatic defender of the law who can capture a jury's attention and who can make the prosecutor look stupid. You need a little bit of pizzazz. You need to come across as intelligent. And I can't think of a better actor who can be charismatic can be likable can be mean and make someone feel foolish than the man himself in the iron suit

talking about robert downey jr he's he can do it all he can be serious but he's going to entertain that jury make him forget what i did, what I allegedly did. Now, they'll have to forget what Robert Downey did, though, too, right? That'll be part of it. Hey, he Ironmaned his way out of that circumstance. Nobody remembers that anymore. He has experience in a courtroom. That's a good point.

All right. That's a good pick. The number one name that popped into my head right off the bat, no questions asked. I don't know why, but there's not even a close second for me. I want Denzel in that courtroom. I want Denzel Washington in the courtroom. The passion, the empathy he can evoke, the sincerity.

I mean, this man is looked at by the best of Hollywood as a mentor. I want that guy defending me and making really robust points. And do you ever remember the movie The Hurricane? Did either of you see that movie? Oh, yeah. No. Wait, that was the boxing? Yeah, that was the boxing movie.

He was actually on trial, I believe, in that movie. But man alive, denzel in a courtroom let me go that's what i'm saying let me go let me go he he's very very high up on my list but the first name that popped into my head and because he's a tremendous actor he is a method actor but it was like you know what i said of like what characteristic am i looking for i think that this guy could be one of those people that studies for and passes the bar in like two months oh as a method because he just absorbs and becomes other people so I'm going with Daniel Day-Lewis right out the gate

number one I mean charisma passion this guy could bring the anger and the thunder if he needs to. But I think that the man could legitimately just know law quick enough to represent me. Now, is there a chance he doesn't show up for your court date? Where he's just kind of done with it? I don't know. I hope not. I'm paying him a lot of money to represent me. And he only gets paid if I win.

You better like the project. All right. And then to back up Daniel Day win. You better like the project. All right. And then to back up Daniel Day-Lewis, or I don't know how we're doing. Are we drafting a team? No, this is a brand new trial. You've committed another crime. Daniel Day-Lewis, he already walked out. So you're on the lawyer too.

All right. I need a man who has seen a lot of things in his life. He's got age on his side. He has wisdom. And he's got, when it comes down to it, he's got a smooth, smooth voice. That voice, that's going to help him out as well. Okay, that does help. I'm going to take Morgan Freeman.

All right. He was high on my list as well. Try and convince the jury that I'm guilty when Morgan Freeman is letting them know that I didn't do it. Yeah, the voice really gives someone authority. Yes. He's also played God in a movie, so that helps. I was there. I don't know.

I am just an alleged criminal. All right, so you got Daniel Day-Lewis, Morgan Freeman. We're drafting best male actors to defend you in court. Jason has Robert Downey Jr. I have Denzel. It's my pick, huh? Mm-hmm. Look, he's just too darn likable.

No, no, no, no. Tom Hanks. No! That's right! You thought Hanks would make it back? I was one pick away. Yeah, I mean, all he had to do was take Indy one, not name Tom Hanksanks and he makes it back

that's a fair point but i have i gotta take tom hanks here he can do it all he's so darn likable he's just gonna be believed you're just gonna believe him who's who's gonna look at tom hanks and say i think he's lying i think he's a liar no you're gonna be like well if he said that that's gotta be true it's the shortest case in the history of the court liar. No, you're going to be like, well, if he said that, that's got to be true. It's the shortest case in the history of the Corps. Like, wait a minute, your representation is Tom Hanks? If Tom Hanks stands up, he didn't do it, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen, he didn't do it.

That's true. That's true. Tom Hanks said he didn't do it. All right, Jason, I'm sorry to steal him from you. They deliberated for 30 seconds. All right, Jason, I'm sorry to steal him from you. They deliberated for 30 seconds. Oh, that really, really throws a wrench.

Because he was like my superstar. You know, the super celebrity, famous, you know, big name guy. And I was going to pair him with someone who is, I mean, everyone on this list is a very famous actor, but certainly not to the level of a Denzel to a Tom Hanks. But this guy is a brilliant human being. Ooh. Like, in real life, he did so many things. I believe he was, I think it was a Brown University faculty member prior to being an actor as John Krasinski, who- Really?

Yeah. He is a super smart dude. And so this is not the actor that we're getting playing a role. It's the human being who's defending us in court. And he will actually win the case for me. Talking about Jim. Yes. Jim from The Office. No, I was trying to bait that out because it would be hard not to see Jim.

Oh, yeah. I just lost the poll because people are going to be like, who's John Krasinski? No, I mean, I know who he is, but he's Jim. Yeah, Jim. Does he kind of a little bit smirk every time he tries to defend you, though? Does he look at the camera directly? He definitely looks at the camera directly.

All right. Those would be good glances. But he's gotten more action hero-y lately. Yeah, what's the Clancy role that he plays? Yeah, he played a Marine. That show's clearly doing well. All right. Oh, man. All right, so you got John Krasinski. None of us know what Top of Mind is. He played a Marine. That show's clearly doing well. All right.

Oh, man. All right, so you got John Krasinski. None of us know what top of mind. All right, if you take Tom Hanks, I'm going to go with another. I think there is something valuable to age, to being a little bit older, to appearing wiser. Oh, no. Sure, like Morgan Freeman. Yeah, absolutely.

And so right now I've got Robert Downey Jr. He's not there yet, and John Krasinski's a ways off from being the old wise actor, but I'm taking someone who is on our set right now. I'm taking Michael Keaton. Interesting. Wow. Michael Keaton, huh? Absolutely. You want to get nuts let's get nuts i think he's got you know i i still believe that you have to have some

charisma in in that uh you gotta have batman in the room yeah and uh he's got it he can play every aspect of a character of this lawyer that is needed and i think i'll get away scott did you know that he did stand-up comedy i believe it i didn't know it but that was wild when i had heard that the first time all right my next pick uh look it doesn't it helps me as the you know innocent victim here to have confidence in this this actor to come in and know that they belong in a courtroom because some people can't handle the truth yeah but this guy can handle the truth tom cruise is gonna bring the heat interesting and i'm putting him in the courtroom now i look i'll be the first to mention one of the fallacies here of tom cruise and he's gonna be great

don't get me wrong he's a actor. He's great in the courtroom. But in the movies, they don't highlight his diminutive side. So he will need a stepstool to defend me properly. But we'll get him a stepstool. And Tom Cruise will take it. I had to preemptive strike that. I knew you were going to bring it. I was about to hop on there because, I mean,

I'm not even sure they're going to see him over the little jury box. Oh, come on. You can't handle the jury. He is tough on the screen. He's a tiny guy. He is a short guy. And in our heads, he may be shorter than he really is now. He's 5'7".

Oh, he's... No, he can't be that short. Yeah, he is. Wait. How tall are you, Al? Isn't Al 5'7"? No, Al's 5'9". Correct.

You're 5'9"? So, Jason, you're 5'9". I am 5'11". All right. Denzel, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise. Going back to Mike for your final two picks. I didn't pick somebody there strategically to see if he'd make it through you, so I'll be disappointed if you take him, but go ahead.

I know my next two picks. So, um, with, with the, in no particular order, cause I like both of these guys. Uh, but I'm going to take, he's an older gentleman again. He's got, he's got the silver tongue and this guy, this, yeah, I don't even know how you getting him off of that one. Uh of that one this guy, this feller I feel like he can talk his way out of almost any situation on top of that, he's an absolute total babe

I'm taking Mr. George Clooney oh that's a good one I didn't even have him on the list but it's a good pick he's just not really doing much these days, so he's probably available for the courtroom. How dare me indeed.

You get Danny Ocean in there? Phenomenal pick. Yeah, the silver. The silver hair is the key. And he's a smooth talker. Yeah. And he can handle the pressure. And then I'm going to round it out with day four,

so my fourth trial for this fourth. Clooney can you out to like Ocean's Eleven style if you need. Yeah. Back up. If he loses, he can get you out. Just a backup plan. But I'm going to bring in a little bit of an accent because that always impresses every all of us stupid Americans when you know. And I'm going to take a really another old wise fellow. That's the one that was right down. I don't know if we're talking about the same guy, but I'm going to take Ian McKellen. We are not. Good, good.

Thank goodness. Because I'm taking his dear friend immediately following. Who are you? Patrick Stewart. We got the team. I was taking because of the same. I'm only throwing it in real quick because, look, here's the facts. You're more trustworthy with an accent you are you come from the uk you're getting me off

scott free scott free all right freedom ian mckelly, Patrick Stewart, Jason, you are up. Oh, my gosh. You're up, buddy. I'm so up. Let's go with. So I had a couple names on my list, but I will draft the one that I thought Mike was drafting. The older gentleman with a wonderful accent. You freaked out with every pick that's gonna make it it was not that guy at all there's a lot of old actors and then andy i thought he

was hopping in but i'm taking the best alfred i'm taking michael okay because i need that accent oh you're matching the accent yeah the accent and the wisdom and the age. He was on my list too. He was on the list. That's a great pick. His history is like he's like this. He did, I think, military service. I think he's a smart dude.

I don't know nothing about that. Yeah, I think he'd do it for you. Look him up. All right. Jason ended up with Robert Downey Jr., John Krasinski, Michael Keaton, and Michael Caine. I ended up with Denzel, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, and Patrick Stewart. Mike has Daniel Day-Lewis, Morgan Freeman, George Clooney, and Ian McKellen.

Now, there were so many to pick from. I can't believe we got the pair. I know. Well, when you said older with an accent, I was terrified. That was the name I tried to get past you. Other names that were on my list. You got Professor X. I got Magneto.

That's right. Leo DiCaprio, I think that might be the biggest omission from the list. I also, if I needed to go during intimidation, I was going to go Liam Neeson. And I thought Jeff Bridges might be able to pull. And Christian Bale. Yeah, Bale is on the list, but I think he might be too much of a loose key. Oh, and Matthew McConaughey. Yeah, I could see that.

I had Benedict Cumberbatch, however you say his name. Cumberbatch? I don't know how to say it. Not that way with a lack of confidence towards the end. Cumberbatch. Cumberbatch. There it is. Kevin Costner.

Oh, sure. With the cowboy hat. Oh, yeah. Sam Jackson. Because if you've got to treatner. Oh, sure. With the cowboy hat. Oh, yeah. Sam Jackson. Because if you've got to treat him. Oh, yeah. If he gets permission to treat the witnesses hostile, watch out. And I had Conan O'Brien, Magna Cum Laude from Harvard.

Because he's smart. Yeah. Really? I considered it. He has the opposite of the Tom Cruise situation. Yeah, that is the problem. No one's going to believe anything he says. Oh, you're too tall.

Where's the joke? All right. That's true. Yeah, the comedian. All right. That'll do it for today's draft. What did we learn today? I learned a couple things, but I learned that sticks of gum started in the 1800s.

Yeah, I learned that as well. Almost 100 years younger than bottled water. And I learned that you thought it was Cumberbatch. I learned that we've been overlooking the most savage of physical hand signs, and it's just a good old-fashioned thumbs down. Oh, yeah. Dumbs down. That's powerful.

It is. Do you make a grimace face? You have to, right? I feel like you could go any face. You could smile. Oh, just straight face? Hey. That'll do it for today's episode.

Please tell your friends about the show. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.