Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Tailgater Haters & The Best Tools - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 22, 2024

Spit Hit for August 22nd, 2024: Today’s show really plays into our strengths. Spelling words and power tools. Listen in and absorb the expertise. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Yeah, baby. We're here. I just wish he knew how to land the dang plane. If it was a real plane I would know how to land it. I know, but because it's not, because it's a real plane, I would know how to land it. I know but because it's not because there's a scat you just You struggle at the end man. I mean I'm coming down hard and fast and so it's like I see the runway But I'm also afraid so then I close my eyes and I say that's how pilots work best Yes, they they they go. I am gonna land over there close your eyes and it feels like that it like the pilot is

Deciding right when he's landing. He's got the landing gear down. Everything's going right. He's like I'm not doing enough And he just starts smashing buttons. Yeah We need more we need to do more they have a lot of buttons guys release the The masks there's no possible way that pilots use all those buttons in a plane, right? No, it's to look important. There's no way that at least half of those buttons do nothing. They just make sounds like a kid's toy. Haruga!

Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop. They light up and stuff, they're fun. There you go. There can't be that many things. No, it's impossible to think that a human being is supposed to be like, Oh, that one 72nd over and 34th from the top. I need to push that one right now. Maybe they're buttons from a day gone by like previous planes had a lot more buttons we've automated stuff but we just kept the same layout back yeah that could be how about an LCD screen with a menu where you go we need a Tesla airplane man yeah you long get on

it all right welcome into the spitballers Al judge Giamatti both in the building today would you rather highway to spell, and we are drafting the best tools. If you need a list of the best tools. We've got it. You cannot have come to three manlier men. Yes. The just high T using tools on the reg. I'm thinking about all of my favorite tools.

For today's draft. And how I use them so much. My list so robust. Home advisor does not count. Yeah, I- You don't get to select the home advisor app as a tool. What about thumbtack? Yeah, good question, good question.

Are these tools? That is a pretty good tool for me. The these tools? That is a that is a pretty good tool for me. The checkbook is not a tool you're allowed to draft. But no we'll have a bunch of. My list has shrank. A bunch of manly picks here. At spitballers pod on Twitter Instagram dot com slash spitballers pod. The community of spit wads is that join the spit.com if you want to check that out. Let's get it going. Would you rather Chris from Patreon writes in says you're driving long distance on a one lane road.

Would you rather be aggressively tailgated the entire drive no matter what speed you go or be stuck behind a car going five to ten miles an hour below the speed limit the entire time? Both of these situations are nightmares. Not good. And I just went through both of them. Oh! Because our family has a cabin up north and it's on a seven mile road off of the main freeway and it's one you're not really supposed to pass on this road. Now you can it's pretty windy so there's like a you know how you have the the single line right and it has to go to it has to go to dash lines to give you permission. And you've got like that 200 foot window. It's so small.

Like this road on seven miles, there's like a 200 foot spot of passing. So, and even there, it seems a little. Oh, you hold your breath. It's a little subtle. And you gun it and you go, I hope we live, but I have to go around this car. I have no choice.

I'm willing to gamble my life. And the life of my family because this is too slow So we've I just gonna say like I've been on both sides of this and I was just behind an Amazon van and The van was going very Vanly slow. I mean they're probably on this single-lane yeah mountain road yeah in their larger truck. Very reasonable. Okay I thought we were like we can't blame the Amazon driver. I'm not mad at that but what I'm gonna say is that eventually the Amazon driver grew dare I say annoyed by my presence behind him. Oh

you were the tailgater. So I thought I was being reasonable, but I was just apparently. Were you following the two second rule? I just think if you're. No, he was not following the two second rule. I'm like, OK, then I'm with the Amazon driver. What's the two second rule? The two second rule is.

It should take me two seconds to get to them? No, no, no. When you look at a driver and look as they pass something, just like a landmark like a light post It should take you about a rule. It should take you two seconds to pass by that by the next owl is also Notting at that. Yeah, I'm very familiar with the two sec now is the two second rule. We learned that in driving school I didn't attend. That's what I was gonna say I remember that from the the handbook the two second rule is it applicable when the other party is not going the speed limit?

Is it still applicable? When it is a one-lane mountain pass, I would say, yeah, you gotta figure it out. So what happened was he just ended up... he just ended up basically stopping in the middle of the road. Oh, he gave you one of those! And then he put the hand out the window and he just went and he waved me by, which I thought was a courteous thing, right? Yeah. But when I got parallel to him, he went from waving his hand to throwing his hand up like

I had annoyed him. Like come on. Like come on. Like this guy, I've got to let him go by. You were supposed to reject the offer to pass. No. He just wanted me to be gone and then express his frustration. His opportunity to use was his last chance to let you know how that I had annoyed him. Yeah. But otherwise think of the alternative here. Seven miles of going slow behind this man.

No, you won. You won this interaction. I mean, clearly, you've. Seven entire miles. Do you know? That's a good run. Seven miles is a good run on a mountain pass. Honestly, over the course of seven miles,

if you're going, let's call it, he's going 500, you would have gone 10 over. Oh, this guy was 10 under. So let's just say you intend have gone ten over. Oh, this guy was this guy was ten under so let's just say you're you're you Intend to drive 15 miles per hour Faster than he was driving. That's that's seven miles. So how long is that? I don't know Well, that's more of a question for the candy kids. I don't know would that save you kids following along at home Do the math in your head. If you're at a 15 mile

difference, I guess it would be at least a couple minutes. We'll figure it out. It would not be life altering substantial. But I will jump in and say, tailgaters are scum of the earth. These people are horrific and it just it's so frustrating. Do you pull over at first chance? I usually, it depends on the mood because sometimes these people will get the brakes and I will then slow down and it's the absolute worst is like when you're on a congested freeway and it's, where do you want me to go? Look in front of me. You can see a few car lengths in front of me.

You can see that there are multiple vehicles in front of me. Should you, should I be going slightly faster? You would not be going faster. You, you like, you can't go around all of us. You are stuck. we're all going this pace so that's where like I lose my mind is the people and then they aggressively pass you and they get in front of you and you're like okay now you are in front of me you're like you you have not improved your situation by by

mere moments if you would just chill out we we're all driving, we're all trying to be safe, we're all trying to get where we're going. As tailgaters are human garbage, human garbage. I got an answer for you here. Oh, yeah, I do too. I have been feverishly looking. If you're going seven miles and you're going 55 verse 70, so the 15 mile an hour difference,

you would save a minute and thirty-eight seconds. That's that's terrible math by you because you're you you're using a ridiculously high rate of speed. How fast are you going? I you should be comparing like thirty and forty five. Oh, so you would save even less time. No, I would save more, right? It seems like more because it's a higher percentage of the total. I don't know.

Fourteen minutes versus nine minutes and 20 seconds. So yes, you would save four and a half minutes in that case. I just did this. Okay, yeah, four and a half minutes. Okay, so four and a half minutes. I get it. It's super new for frustrating. It's a 15-minute drive normally.

So you're going to add 33% to my drive? Incredibly frustrating, but that is the math that that tailgaters need to hear. Four minutes, dude, you're wrong minutes of your life. You are wrong because that math just convinced me it's worth it. 100% worth it. When this was 90 seconds. I was like, dude, 90 seconds not worth it. Four and a half minutes. To answer the question. I'm riding, I'm riding right on ya. To answer the question, I think generally what I've done

in that situation, because I've been on this road a million times where people don't, if you're not on the road and you don't know the road, you're gonna go slower and I get it. Because it's more nerve wracking. If you're the tailgater, I don't know why I said it like that. If you're that person, I can make up my mind,

I'm just gonna live with it and it's fine and I make my peace. If you're being tailgated, you never have peace. No, never. You see the rear view mirror and you see that car and it is a bucket of stress for the entire seven miles. So I will be the tailgater because I will make peace. I will get there quicker.

So they're gonna be right up on me and I will drive as fast as I want. Okay. Because I'm gonna get there. I mean, you said you've driven this road a lot. You know, Mike's talking about the time and this is what people need to hear. It's one way there, one way back. That's right. You've been there a hundred times. A hundred times two is is 200 times four and a half minutes Life my life is more is richer and more full because of my speeding Yeah, I mean a hundred children do not speak a hundred drives a year. Yeah saving about five minutes a drive 500 minutes Yeah, you know that's like eight hours. That's a whole day. You just got a workday back

Yeah, that is true except for the one where you careen off the mountain meh or that's true Or you tailgate the wrong person every man dies Not everybody really lives the while while I will you know I'm sure most of us. We've done the break check I'll just slow down like I'll keep slowing down if there's this the game You've done that. Oh, yeah, like if I've done it to if someone catches me on the wrong day Oh like fine. This is what we're doing now and we are all going I'm afraid to do that because I think they might rear end me I don't think they're gonna rear end you but I worry more that like they're gonna road rage. Yes the next light

That is definitely that's why I don't usually do it It's just if I'm on the wrong day if you catch Mike on the wrong the most absurd thing that like they're gonna road rage you at the next light. That is definitely, that's why I don't usually do it. It's just if I'm on the wrong day, if you catch Mike on the wrong. The most absurd thing is like- You gotta at least go the speed limit though. Oh yeah, I will go speed limit or five over. You are giving a great example where there's understanding.

A winding single lane, you know, two lane road, but when you're on a multiple, you're on the freeway and someone's tailgating you and you're like, dude, just go around me. Exactly. There are other lanes and then they're like proven a point. Yes. That is the scum of the earth. That person, that person, is the human dumpster. Human dumpster. One thing I didn't learn in my driving class as well was apparently nobody taught me at a young age kind of the rules of the left lane.

Oh yeah, listen up people. My first ever real experience on a freeway, I was real slow in the left lane. And I didn't understand why about 25 people came blaring by me in the right lane until later. Now I was like, oh, I was breaking a rule of the road, the unwritten rule of the road. How does that rule translate over to HOV?

Like, because the HOV, the carpool lane is always the farthest left. Now is that supposed to be like the super duper fast laneper you're required to go at least as fast as the left lane yeah, I think there's a little bit of there's a little bit of grace there because Because you you are special you have multiple people really have really yes I think we have a we this is where we divert. Yeah, I think you have a speed responsibility there Yeah, I mean you can't go you're not going under you know I think you have a speed responsibility there. Yeah, I mean, you can't go, you're not going under, you know, you gotta go real fast.

At least as fast as the furthest left lane. That's my rule. Now you think, I mean, I know I will be. You're carrying more weight. No, see, the way I look at it, Al agrees with me. Completely.

Is you go just slightly slower than the left lane. Because then, should the po-po arrive, I feel like that person's going faster. They're the one who need to be pulled over for the ticket. I'm sure that's definitely how it works. I am so happy when I see someone really speeding. You know what I mean? Because I'm like, oh, I can go faster.

I am not the one they are after. So for this stretch of road, if that guy's hauling, I'm like, let's giddy up. Let's go. I get pulled over. You ever position yourself in a lane strictly out of the least convenient to pull you over? 100%. All of my driving is focused primarily on don't get pulled over, secondarily on safety. Good, good kids. That's probably true. We're learning a lot.

Next question, would you rather live in a world where magic is real, but technology does not exist, or live in a world where technology is advanced but magic doesn't exist? So is it today? I think it's our future. But it could be right now. It's always the future.

Technology is pretty advanced. Also, if technology is not real but magic is real. I know. It breaks down. This question breaks down. It's the same thing. You just make technology with your magic. Right now, if you just show anyone from 30 years ago, just 30.

Oh, I know where you're going. Go back 30 years and show them our tech and they're like, you're a dark wizard. How do you have these powers? Yeah. So technology and magic are essentially, you know, there's a lot of similarities. If you can't understand how it works, it becomes magic, right? Exactly. Here's the thing.

Technology is ruled by science magic ain't you know what I mean like I want teleportation to exist you know there's there's some limitations with science I think maybe they'll get there you know quantum entanglement but we're here again but probably won't happen magic heck yeah I just operated way there. I don't need to follow the rules of science, I am a wizard! You have to follow the rules of magic though. Yeah, I mean like I feel like magic right now is following the rules of science because that's undiscovered science. Because that's how you dupe people. Like I'm using like a Copperfield.

You know, back in the day when Copperfield would make giant things disappear, he's using science, because he's using mirrors and he's using reflective light. Yes, but he doesn't actually have magic. Yeah, he doesn't have the power of a wizard. He's not really a wizard. I know, I know, but my point is they're the same thing.

Here's, I'm gonna turn this question for a second, because I just brought this up with a friend, and I wanna know your thought on this. It blew my mind because it's so true. Let's say today, you're transported from this planet, the three of us, to a new planet somewhere else with a civilization, but they don't have the technology that we have.

If you show up there, you're gonna be able to tell them about airplanes and computers and cell phones. And you will sound like a lunatic. And you will not be able to build them. No, not at all. And you will not be able to describe to somebody else how you even start building them.

You just gotta believe me, just believe me. There's a watch on my wrist. Oh, prove it. I really can't prove it. I might draw you a picture of what the outside of it looks like. Can you imagine knowing that and not being able to translate it? That would be frustrating. I mean, at that point you, you, you aren't bringing any science.

You, you are a novelist. You are at this point. Jules Verne of the new you're a writer that's your only gift that you're bringing to this world is storytelling because you have an imagination that they don't have but just based on fact I mean you basically sound like a lunatic yes you do are a lunatic yes even though those things totally exist you just literally I imagine in that world one of us we finally sit down we go alright. I got my piece of paper

I'm gonna. I'm gonna try to put down everything. I know about a plane and how it works Yeah, you're just you're on the side of the street shouting at people. Yeah, we could fly Seated what could we do like that like what I'm trying to think like okay. I want that would have someone no no no I want to help advance. I could build a wheel I want to help advance. I could build a wheel if they didn't have a wheel. Yeah, that's fair. No, a wheel's a great invention. Yeah.

But like technology-wise. Like for instance, the only thing my mind can even, the only thing that my mind can even like remotely consider thinking of, I still don't know anything about which is I put a key on a cake and I fly it up and say... That's just like proving electricity? Proving electricity. That's like the first step.

I could do the can, put the string on the can. And do the talking through that? And then put the string on another can. Ooh, telephone. Yeah, very nice. I mean, I don't think I could make a hose. If this place, if they didn't have hoses, and I'd be like, I can show you how to get water

from here to there, I don't think I could fabricate a hose. The problem is we can't add the technology, but because we're used to technology, we also can't add the physical. Like, I couldn't build a kite. I'd be like, look, if someone could build me a kite, I could show you something really cool in a storm, but I can't do that

Man, we would be worthless This is where i'm saying the only the only thing we provide is a book is a story once upon a time I am an author now. Oh my gosh. Yeah, um, I guess my final vote would be magic because I certainly Oh, yeah, I feel like it just gives you carte blanche for sure it's magic all the way would you rather have the ability to control fire but you always feel hot and uncomfortable 24 7 24 7 well that's or have the ability to control water but your clothes are always soaking wet 24 7 now we've got a set a ground rule here I assume you can't get gangrene because if your clothes are always wet 24-7, you're going to die from that.

Yeah, yeah. And you're also not going to get super dehydrated and sweat out with the uncomfortable. Aquaman is not... He's not... He will not get moldy. Or wrinkly, right? You're wrinkle-free? No, you get wrinkles. I'm pretty sure there's at least 12 hours out of the day where Jason is not wearing clothes. Yeah, that's true. There might be 12 hours of the day he's soaking wet.

I mean, I usually have my undies on. But if you- Usually? No, always. Well, I mean, I shower, you know? Okay. So it is usually. Do you ever, because you-

No, I don't ever just walk around the home all emote. But that's not, there's so much wrong with this But what I was saying is you always make the joke you talk about how you get home and then you strip That's not a joke. But yes, go on. This is I talk about my process Results go ever make a mistake Because you go too far too too far. And then give and say, well, that's a lot of work to put that back on. Oh, the problem is I've got a lot of shorts now with the built in undies. And so there's, you know what I mean? It's like, Oh man, so

I gotta wear shorts or no, I keep those on. Okay. Um, so cotton and comfortable control. What's the benefits of controlling fire versus water in terms of what makes them better? You're far more dangerous with with fire far more dangerous. Are you though? Yes, okay? I'm just trying to think like a few flood anything. It's over. Yeah No water could be extremely powerful and dangerous, but if you have fire I mean, I think I like I assume if you're controlling fire, you also have like the hottest fire. Is this Human Torch versus Aquaman here?

Essentially, well I guess Aquaman doesn't technically control water, I don't think, does he? I never saw him. I never saw the movies. He just swims in it, right? He talks to animals. Oh. But if you can, like, I think fire.

I might be Aquaman based on had skills if you have unlimited fire Wouldn't you always beat water? Cuz no, I don't think so unlimited water beats fire. Yeah, that's the way it goes Yeah, water is gonna put out fire fire can't catch water on fire. No, but it turns it to steam I Mean at the worst they neutral out But I think there's a lot more value to water than fire. Fire is destructive. Water can bring life. There's a drought in this city. Hey

don't worry about it. I bring the rain. Hey it's hot on this summer day. You guys want some squirt guns from my fingers. You can have fun with that is do it that is an ultimate party. Yeah, what am I gonna do with fire other than like? Get me a candle, but don't bring me a lighter check this out I mean, I feel like the fire one is legit just about power the fire one Yeah, you're super you're not going to be defeated by anybody. This is good versus evil is the water's good Oh water brings life. Hmm. I mean in the X-Men movies you have pyro going to be defeated by anybody. This is good versus evil. Is the water good? Oh, water brings life. I mean, in the X-Men movies, you have Pyro, he becomes a bad guy, and then you have Iceman. Would you go around just filling up filling up the drought lakes and

stuff like that? Oh, for sure. I guess. And glasses of water. I would be a great waiter. You know what I mean? Like, just be a waiter. Oh, yeah. Someone's glass that's empty. It's like, no, it isn't. Check again. Oh yeah. How'd you do that? Uh, tip me and I'll tell you. I'll be doing the same thing, but I'll be cooking the food at the table with the fire. Tip me and I'll tell you. Okay. Here's your big tip. How do you do it? I have magic water. They're snatching their money back from you. Are you kidding me? They're giving me more they're going whoa you that wasn't a big enough tip. They're gonna say why are you a waiter sir? Because I could do this. This is my secret identity. Yes that is the secret identity. And then at night at night you fight fires. Yes. You're the ultimate firefighter. I fight fires and kill wakes. I like how you went to a...

Oh, you're a waiter and you didn't become a firefighter with your powers. Yeah, I mean, people are thirsty. People are thirsty. Spitwads, I don't know if any of you are like me, but I used to be a child. Certainly I'm not anymore, but I used to do stupid things and think stupid things. For instance, I literally used to look forward to losing my debit card so that I would have to change it so that subscriptions would go away that I didn't know about.

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And I think we're thirsty for some misery. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Highway to Spell. I was really hoping we could just keep asking these questions for the till the end of the show I guess if you were transported to that new planet that doesn't have the technology and they also don't spell well you also might not be able to help them That is true but they can't tell me that I spelled these words wrong. This is, Al, I know we are very, I don't know, intelligent and such, but what grade are we starting at?

Fifth grade. All right, and does Jason begin because he's the scatter of the day? No, we do Andy Mike Jason here. Yep. Okay. Yep, and you were last time's winner, so. Okay.

All right, oh. All right. Back on board. Andy, your fifth grade level word is? Consonant. What? Consonant. Oh. Oh, this is not right.

I'm glad I didn't get that one. I am glad I didn't. Is that a consonant? Say it, Al. Consonant. And that's like instead of a vowel? Correct. Okay.

Oh, man. I don't think. I don't. Fifth grade? You lie. I think I don't fifth grade you lie. I think I'm done. I think I'm done I wrote down something that you could read and get the word consonant out of but I don't think it's right I mean, I've got 50 variations. I feel real good about the start If I got the first three letters wrong Consonant I I can tell you I don't think I've ever written this word down in my entire life yeah even when you're learning about vowels and consonants you don't write down the word now are you learn when you are

learning at a young age are you learning vowels and consonants are you learning vowels and consonants I have no idea the difference of a consonants or consonants when are you learning out? Can I hear that again? Consonant. Oh man. Consonant. I'm doomed, but I'm gonna take my shot.

I mean, I'm out. C-O-N-S-A-N-A-N-T-E. Or I mean, not E, not T, A-N-T. Oh no. I was gonna say, I have two differences. Now let me. You were one letter off, you were very close. So then I was also... C-O-N-S-A-N-A-N-T. So is it E-N-T? Nope. C-O-N-S-O-N-A-N-T. So that was my second one I wrote down.

I got it. So it is a consonant, not a consonant. Yeah, correct. Mike and I clearly got it right. I didn't have that in any of my options. I only wrote one option and I got it wrong in two different places. That's not a fifth grade level word. I don't make the list man. If you had done vowel I could have gotten it. Two L's. You're not officially out yet. Yeah, that's true. You're not out. There's no way fifth grade is dishing up another consonant.

All right, Mike, here's your fifth grade level word. Errand. That's ridiculous. That's utterly ridiculous. I think I know that... Oh, this is... Come on. It's a silly word.

What? Hopefully you can get it wrong. This is so easy. Go for it. I hate you. I feel... I don't know if you're telling the truth or if you're lying to me. No, this is.

Errand, E-R-R-A-N-D, that is correct. Ah, like a fifth grade word. Go on. I don't know, that's a sneaky word. I hate this game. All right. Not as sneaky as consonant. You know what's great, Mike,

is if I get this word wrong, we're done with this segment. That's true. This is the best thing I could ever do is get this wrong. And the odds are decent. Yeah, pretty high. D-E-S-Z-D-N-T. Decent. These words are fully randomized, but this one is right up your alley. I think you'll be alright. But. Here's your fifth grade level word. B-U-T-T.

Delicious. Oh. I don't think that's a guarantee. Uh oh. I feel decently confident with this one D EL I see I owe us. Oh Yeah Feel like you get any you are now officially out. I feel like you give him a moment I wonder if these two guys would have gotten consonant. Oh, no, I. They said they both had it right. Yeah, I nailed it. Mm-hmm. Consonant.

Go on. All right, Mike, we're moving on to sixth grade. Here is your sixth grade level word. Numerator. Oh, there you go. That's an easy one. Really? That's easy.

No, it's not. Yeah, it is. Noom. Okay, I... There's no way to get that one wrong. Oh, I think I did it multiple ways. Noooom. Okay I... There's no way to get that one wrong. Oh I think I did it multiple ways. Numerator. Oh, we have different words.

Hold on, hold on. Play it again. Numerator. Numerator. Why did Jason have a letter in there that just doesn't belong? I mean, alright, numerator. N-U-M-E-R-A-T-O-R. Yeah, okay.

Jason had it. Oh that's what I wrote down too. He had a letter in there. I mean all right numerator num er at or Had a be in the middle of it like number it's like a number a I should be in this game. What are you talking about? You just wrote number a You were out first word. I'm so much better than you. A number-rater? No, that's not what I wrote. My word was perfect. You and I wrote the same thing, Mike. Don't worry about it. Also, I mean, shout out to numerator for being spelled exactly how it should be.

Right, that's what I thought. It was not going to be a problem. Yeah, totally. Alright, Jason, let's see if you can stay in the game. Here's your sixth grade level word. Honorable. Honorable. Honorable, okay, come on. I think that one.

Okay, you got this one. Okay, honorable. The honorable judge Jason Moore spells it H-O-N-E-R-A-B-L-E and Andy's eyes said I got that wrong. Okay. How do you spell honor? That's a great question. Oh my gosh, it's O-R. What an idiot. What an idiot. Yes. I wrote Honorable. Oh man, I'm so stupid. Honor is O-R. I think that segment was about three minutes long. Yeah. H-O-N-O-R-A-B-L-E. At least I corrected myself.

Congratulations, Mike. After he asked how do you spell honor. Right. I do have a question for you. What's the highest- Oh, man. Congrats, Mike. You're amazing.

Thank you. What's the highest grade level word you have available to you right now? 12th grade. And we just were in sixth. Let's do it. Is there a chance that we can each do a 12th grade? Yeah, let's go. Bonus round.

One bonus round here. I'm going to rock this. All right. Here, Andy, is your 12th grade level words. Borborygmus. Yes! Oh my goodness. I don't know that word. Is that borborygmus?

That is the word. Wait, say it again. It says it's intestinal rumbling caused by moving gas. Oh, I got borborygmus all the time. Wait, wait, wait. I want to hear the word one more time. Borborygmus. Borborygmus will not be spelled correctly. Borboryg. Borborygmus. Borborygmus. Borborygmus. B-O-R. B-O-R-I-G-M-O-U-S. You were close, but... Is it Borborigmus? No, it's just M-U-S?

It is just M-U-S, but it's also a Y. Oh. So it's B-O-R-B-O-R-Y-G-M-U-S. Oh, no one's ever getting that. B-O-R-B-O-R-Y. Y. Y. Borborigmus-Y. Why? Why? Why?

Borborygmus. Okay. Why is that a why? Yeah. Because it's a 12th grade word. Today is not my day. Let's see if either of you know your 12th grade word. All right, Mike, here's your 12th grade level word.

Skipperkey. Skipper- what? Skipperkey. Any breed of a Belgian breed of small stocky black tailless dogs with a foxy head and heavy coat. Skipper what skipper key any breed of a Belgian breed of small stocky black tail is dogs with a foxy head and heavy coat skipper key skipper key Skipper key this is impossible this daddy Jason is sharing his nose and he is making some stuff We're going skipper key. We're gonna spell it out keep. We're going to spell it out with sounds everybody.

S-K-I. I wouldn't do that. No help. Go ahead. S-K-I-P-P-E-R-K-E-E. You were not as far off as I thought. But it is S-C-H-O-I-P-P-E-R-K-E. Alright, Jason Stern. Jason, this would be the ultimate if you miss spell honor and you spell You spell ichthyosaur One more time, please ichthyosaur ichthyosaur I actually know that any of an order of extinct marine reptiles of the mesoziac

Specialized aquatic like if the one more time play it one more time ichthyosaur I'm gonna I want to give it a go if he fails ichthyosaur all right oh wait I see T H I O S A U R it is I see H T HAUR. I forgot you said you wanted to give it a shot. I'm sorry, but Andy does have it written down correctly. Yeah. All right. So we're all winners. Yeah. It's time to draft. What was Andy's first?

Borborygmus. Borborygmus? Borborygmus. Let me see. I got to get Borborygmus. I got to get that in the vernacular. I like that word. Like after a bad meal, you get a little Borborygmus? Borborygmus. Let me see. Yeah, Borborygmus. I gotta get that in the vernacular. I like that word. You feel like after a bad meal you get a little Borborygmus. Mike is using this just to add to the vocabulary.

I like it. All right, we are drafting. The Spitballers Draft. Well, we are... From spelling to tools. We are drafting the best tools. We are in our wheelhouse today. Which, look, to be fair, if we were transported to that other planet that we talked about earlier Uh-huh, and they didn't have any tools our odds of being able to make some of them would go up

There are some things. I think we could figure out we can create a couple tools We could create a couple of tools is a stick a tool of course all right I do it to a chimpanzee or to a chimpanzee Yeah All right, so you got the a chimpanzee. To a chimpanzee? Chimpanzee. All right, so. You got the first pick. I got the first pick here. I'm gonna go with,

I think the most useful. It's the 101. Well, there's two. There's the best tool. I think there are two to me. There's a 101 and a 102, but the best tool, and I think you are thinking of something that I would put

third. But I think it's the most commonly used tool that I use. It is not common tools, it's best tools. Well, that's what makes it the best to me. What makes it the best is that this speeds up my life. It's utility you can use it for a lot of different things It's a power drill. Yes. Yeah It's the best tool. I can best to yeah I can drill holes a drill is the best I can screw things in with any number of bits

I mean you should see my collection of How many times have you re-bought new bits when you already had the other bits just because you didn't put them back, right? How many times have you re-bought new bits when you already had the other bits just because you didn't put them back right? Almost never. Or do you put your bits back correctly? I do put my bits back. I've got like a case of like 700 bits. And you just put them back every time?

I do. Which is shocking for me. I'm bad at that. So that's the number one? Oh yeah. The drill? Yeah. And then there's a 102 to me.

Anytime you're doing a project on anything and you go down to wherever the tools are, well, I need the drill. Now listen. No matter what I'm doing, I'm going to use the drill. The drill's pretty frequently used. But it's not as fun to use. It's not as wieldy as my number one pick. OK.

That I think, if I'm grabbing a tool, this is the one I picture in my head I'm grabbing first. Okay. And if I had one, I'd use it in the morning and the evening. Oh, yeah. I'm taking this all over the land. I'm taking a hammer. I'm taking a hammer.

Yeah, that was the that was the one I thought Mike was talking about. That would have been my third. It's a very practical. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm taking the hammer of all, they come in all shapes and sizes. I'm going hammer. Yeah it's number two on my list. Okay, all right. Behind the drill. All right. All right. How do you mean? It's a bummer to be third in this best tool draft. What a loser. All right. We've got cool tools, like a drill. So I'm gonna start with,

I'm gonna go with, you gotta do some cutting sometimes. I'm gonna take a utility knife. Okay. A utility knife, very frequently used. Would you like to call it a razor blade for the purposes of this draft? Or are you gonna stick with the utility knife? I feel like razor blade infers shaving.

Yeah, utility knife feels more tool-based. There's the same thing, but... Al? Yeah, I would stick with utility knife if I were you. I've always called it a razor blade. Really? To me, a razor blade is like a single-edged blade that is hand-held, not one of the ones that goes into a utility knife.

Yeah. You put the razor blade into the utility knife. Exactly. Then it becomes a utility knife. Okay. I'm going to search. I mean, I could have called it a box cutter, but then- I just thought razor blades sounded cooler.

No, it sounds cooler, but for a tool, it's got to be utility. I would like to be able to to hold a handle not the razor blade Right. Yeah, cuz you're right. The razor blade is just yeah, they're tiny I think you're holding the handle of the drill too, aren't you? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. All right So you got utility knife handles are very handy. Yeah. All right using handles for my for my next pick Oh, man, the 102 is still there What? Yeah, you dummy what the number two oh for sure is it is it a tape measure oh it is not oh like a good tape measures

on the list all right well I'm second pick I'll pick it anyway say I hope so okay then is it well I didn't say I pick it I was just throwing things I was gonna see how you reacted yeah give me a utility knife and tape measure it okay that that's good I I how long is this I'll let you know I don't want to go to the in to the in like spider-man yeah and and then you get the cool retracting thing. The retracting thing. That's a good time. I use, so, you know, we are known tool guys here.

Oh, yes, yes. We're big. Far and wide. We do so many tool projects all the time. That's what I call them. I call them my tool projects. But I actually use a tape measure probably more often than others. Yes. Mostly to measure my kids. You know that's one of my tool projects.

Now, when in your life did you change from the old busted, like just an old-fashioned tape measure, to one where on the bottom it has it so you can like, you don't just have to use the click button to stop the retraction. You're saying that has the built-in stop? Well just mine on the bottom I can actually you like squeeze the whole thing. Yeah I can touch the tape and not have to worry about the the lever to fully stop the retraction. I do feel like it takes some nuance to be a good tape measure. Yes.

And I always think I'm going to grab it and measure something really quick and easy and perfect. And then it becomes unwieldy or it bends. Or I'm not exactly sure what that line means, because in my head I don't know that it's 5 1 8's or whatever the heck it is. Our imperial system measuring is horrifically bad. But watching someone who is a real tool person,

oh, I mean, watching them with a tape measure when they're just measuring, they're like, shh, shh, shh, shh, measure in the wall, it's incredible. They can measure 40 feet up without that tape measure bending. I can't. You can't go four feet.

I can't go to whatever my ceiling is. If I wanna see what my ceiling is, I have to get on a ladder and hold the top of the tape measure up there that's the only way so I'm not my second pick after hammer I can't take the inferior version of Jason's drill the manual I can't do it I know that's why the drill is the best which is why but sometimes you need it I'm gonna pivot to I'm gonna pivot to a flashlight. Oh, that's a good tool. It's not even on my list. I'm gonna take a flashlight. Now I don't know if that's obviously not Jason's number two.

No, that's a good pick though. It is. It's very useful. And... The things I grab, that's up there. Do you have a... do you have a head torch? I have not moved into that realm. Is that what they call it a head torch? I believe that lamp. It's a headlight. I don't know a real tool person Yeah, I would go with headlamp headlamp head torches way cooler. Do you strap one of those on? I have one you have one I have used it. I was gonna ask you did you use I have used it before very handy Yeah, like cuz here's the thing when it's dark and you just look at something. It's lit up dark anymore We had the worst three

People on planet Earth for this draft. We are oh Man, we are being exposed right now. I am buying. What are you talking about? The best tools. As we speak, right this minute, because you mentioned that, I am buying a black light head torch. There you go. Oh, black light. You're going scorpion hunting.

Because why do I hold this thing while I'm scorpion hunting? You just look. You need two hands to fight off them scorpions. I want two hands for the sprays, man. Oh yeah, you gotta get two sprays. Two wielding. You should buy yourself a regular headlamp as well while you're at it. They're very handy.

What's a headlamp? You ever heard of a head torch? Which one do you want? All right, so I went with flashlight. Jason, you said that what? The 102 is right there. Cause this is the best, the best. Oh, I know what it is.

I'm getting a chainsaw baby okay I can I can chop down a tree Wow Wow I can kill a man you know what I mean like no I mean I do you have a chainsaw I do own a chainsaw Andy do you have a chainsaw I don't yeah I don't have a chainsaw do you have a chainsaw I do well you and Jason have you ever used your chain I? I have never used my chainsaw. I would be shocked. Battery powered or gas? It is battery powered. So you've never used it? Some Makita. You've never used it? No. It has been used. Of all the things you're running through, of like, these are the cool things I could do with a chainsaw. not listed was hurt myself.

Oh yeah, that's not cool. Because that is why I don't own a chainsaw. Well that's why I don't use a chainsaw, Mike. I'm very intimidated. I think if I used a chainsaw, I would die. You wouldn't have 10 fingers. No way. No way.

I got to stop this thing. Just grab it? Got to stop it from spinning. OK, so chainsaw was not what I thought you were gonna take. It's not on my list. Not on your list? Man, you guys have some wimpy tools over there. I actually do. Yeah.

Just wait. Alright, there's a couple things here. There's one that is very important to me. I probably won't draft because you'll make fun of me Um, you're balanced out with your really macho chainsaw, though. Yeah Look, i'm going with another really useful thing I use it not so much for building another really useful thing. You've never used your previous pick ever No, but the drill i'm saying the drill is super useful. I'm going back. You're going drill super useful. I'm going back You're going back to useful going back to useful which are Pliers pliers are

Like I don't use it to build things, but I you know if I can like I think a lot of people are using pliers to build That's fair, but like to grab. Yeah, you know you with a lot of strength. That's what I use My fingers aren't strong enough. Yeah, I use pliers Because they're so strong I could grab them so And my pliers my players you can You can you could slide them make them wider. Oh, yeah, you could make them close all the way Oh, but that's is that a those are pliers. Oh, yeah

Yeah, those are real pliers not needle nose. We're talking about the kind that no one word has I don't like a plumber's tool What's the thing in the middle called that where it somehow makes it go wider? Yeah, what you're talking about Jason I don't know how to work that thing Like no, you can't settle in on the right size the first time No, we gotta go five or six times once the once the pliers are Oh, yes, you're totally right, and you can't ever get in the right notch. No you try 20 times Yeah, how do you do it once they're at the widest I did they're done. I have to go buy a new pair of pliers Those are never closing again

Wait am I picking you again? Yeah, you're up. Oh boy. Cool. Oh, and it's got the little, you know, the grippy part in the middle. The grippy part in the middle? Yeah, the jaws, you know what I mean? Like the little teeth. Stop describing pliers!

Yeah, my pliers are so good. Oh my gosh. you know what I mean? Like the little teeth. Stop describing pliers! Yeah, my pliers so good. Oh my god. It's got a rubber handle. I'm plying all over. I'm gonna grab stuff so strong. I'm gonna make it easy. My third pick is going to be... a saw.

Oh, nice. I got a chainsaw, so. That's the one that I thought you meant was the 102 that had been forgotten because I was racking my brain for what hadn't been picked. But just a good old saw. I'm not going to hurt myself with that. Got any chain on that? No chain. No chain.

What a loser. So there you go. Mike, you are back up with some more man tools. No. Maybe not considered the manliest. The bell of the yeah tool ball uh but it my life really elevated once I made the change to I have my strippers no no that's what the needle is pliers are for okay no I got my own set of hex keys oh yeah I was no longer reliant on IKEAkea. And I'm keeping 1000s of the exact same size Allen wrench. I have my own. No, I got my own set.

Now can I ask you a question? Saved up my money. About your hex key set? Do you have to metric and Imperial? Yes. Yes. You need valuable. now is it all Contained in one device because I've got one the oh like it like a Swiss army. Yeah, like a snow I mean I mine are all you plug them all in enjoy losing those I haven't yet Okay, I have and I've bought I've bought Alan key sets Ten times those are way more valuable than they should be though. There's your hundred percent, right? They're all the little tiny ones that come with whatever you have to build

that are stupid, throw those. What's amazing is that you will only lose the ones that you will future need on those sets. You'll find the set. I think the reason why. You'll find three or four sets and it will all be missing the same one that you need right then. I think the reason why is because you actually only need one. There's only one size that is commonly used. They're like, but we got to sell more. How can we sell more? Just make them every size. That's a pretty sneaky little late round pick there, Allen Wrenches. And Mike, you got to close it down.

I will close it down. I mean, jokes aplenty, of course. But it's a good old fashioned stud finder. Oh yeah. Wow. Very useful when I'm trying to find a stud. You can't just knock on the wall. Oh goodness.

Ah dude. I've used stud finders and still miss the stud. What a great tool. No, I found out that it was just, I don't know what was going on because I showed my wife. I just, I mounted a TV like a month ago and it's like it's all these great and so I start doing it we just go right in the drywall and like hold on at that point do you start doing the testing you just start doing it an

inch over and I mean it I eventually got there but I brought my stud finder back and you know so it it has like the little light that pops on the top it's pointing directly at my hole saying there's a stud back there and there was no stud. That's the problem with the finders. They're a little faulty when when that TV comes down. Well you didn't eventually find it. Oh I got. But I'm saying if some like it must be a stud when I pull the TV down there's probably 20 holes in that. When I was growing up that was the method. It was take a nail, plunge it in, and move over a quarter inch until you find the edge

of a stud. Now, all the time you save tailgating, I save without doing the tailgating. I just get right in there. Yeah, get in there. Very nice. So you have a utility knife, a tape measure, Allen Winches and a stud finder. I have a hammer, a flashlight, and a saw. And I was about to take a different pick and I thought of something that, let's be honest, it's just a better tool. It's duct tape. Okay. That is upsetting because I

messaged Owl at the beginning of the draft Oh, baby, I said is this considered a tool and I never got a response. So I figured it was I see that now But tremendous pick because duct tape is the ultimate tool for any man who does not know how to use tools It's in my tool bag. Yeah. I'm duct taping everything. I mean, broken shoe, duct tape. I mean, literally I was bringing some milk back from the cabin that had been opened. Was there a... I used so much duct tape to keep the lid closed for the drive home. Wow. I just kept going around the top of the milk. Just kidnapping

that milk. Yes. You are. Yes. Also along the lines. How old were you when you found out it is in fact not duct tape. Oh yeah. Because I was in my 20s. I was a full grown adult. It didn't help that I think somebody did make a duct tape. Yes, they did. Yeah, because duct tape brilliant marketing of everyone just calls it duct tape But it is duct tape. So we had at my last house we were putting things up for some party ran out of You know the the painters tape style stuff. So we use little pieces of duct tape hung these things Oh, no, the. The paint was gone. Yeah.

I mean, we just ruined the walls because the duct tape's like, that paint belongs to me now. So we left. There was one piece that was egregious. And we decided it looks better with duct tape. So we left the duct tape on. And that was great. Nice.

All right, Jason, you have a final pick. I've got a real tool and then one that is near and dear to my heart and I am going to go with the real tool because I don't want to get made fun of. I'm going with a six, no, we'll call it five foot long level. I love large levels. You can foot long, level. I love large. You can just take the level. No, I want a big one.

Five feet is a huge level. You're gonna not use that hardly ever. No, that's the one I use all the time. I use it all the time. But you shouldn't. I like to see Jason hanging a picture on the wall with a five foot level. Maybe it's this wide, how wide is that?

That's probably four foot. Unfortunately you drafted a five foot level. Even better! But like, every time I'm hanging stuff it's like... Do you use that? Yeah, I use it all the time. When I'm hanging pictures and things it's... How big are these pictures? Well, now what if we...

I'm going to give you one more chance to change it to a level. Often times... I might go six foot level here. What if we I'm gonna give you one more chance to change it to a level often times Often I might go six foot level I mean What if we went to his house after giving him this grief and he's hanging the biggest pictures you've ever seen it's not one picture It's when you're hanging multiple and you want them to all be in a line And so I like being able to like draw on the wall collages. I've got multiple children. I don't just hang one picture This is my favorite I feel like the tool for that would be a laser level

That would have been a good pick Do I have a chance? To your laser currently at six foot level I'll take seven foot level That's fantastic. The other one that is near and dear to me that you didn't take that I didn't take are knee pads because good old man. Old man tool that is collage when you got to get down there under a sink. If I don't have a pad under those knees, I ain't doing it. Every time I work on my pool equipment equipment I wish I had knee pads and I've never bought them

I have no or a knee pad a knee pad is the way to go. That's what's gonna go. You know what? I'm buying a knee pad. You gotta buy a knee pad It is so great and you can use a knee pad in so many more ways than you than you Wear like the the strap on knee pads that those those are bunk Those are worthless compared to the big pad that you can lay on. Because I could put, hey, you gotta lay on your back under a sink. You know, and get that like wood dragging into your back. No. Put that knee pad down there and lay down on it. So it's a tie. Just take a nap under that sink.

Owl has put in his waiver wire picks because Owl knows tools. We've drafted- He's none of them? He put four tools on the list- Before to guess them. Okay. The ones that I'm guessing that are not on the circular saw? Is that one of them? It was on my list, but it didn't make my four. Jigsaw? That is one of them. I'm gonna try to guess them. Okay. I'm gonna try to guess them.

I'm gonna try to guess them. Okay. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them.

I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them.

I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm gonna try to guess them. I'm to try to guess them okay the ones that I'm guessing that are not on a circular saw is that one of them it was on my list but it didn't make my for jigsaw that is one of us okay okay that's it now I'm gonna be a rat yeah Brad Brad nailers on my list a rocket wrench yeah socket wrench yes on my list and what is one nail gun what oh we know how to we know how to pander to the to the tool heads out there but we we didn't do that. So for those at home that don't know what is a Brad nailer, it's just a, it's just a nail gun. Yeah. Why would you not call it a nail gun? Because a Brad nailer is like finishing nails for like putting up molding and, and for the nails to have like no heads on the end. Yeah. Okay. And then for men, um, and then an oscillating tool, is this a fan?

It is not a fan. A fan, it should be an oscillating tool. Like a little Dremel tool? Kind of. A lot of people call it multi-tools or oscillating tools. Why are we making up all these words? You could put a sanding head on it, you could put a saw head on it,

they're really versatile tools. So it spins kind of like a drill. You can put different heads on it. It almost like vibrates back and forth more than, but it's in an oscillating pattern. You can like cut out holes out of wood that way. You can do a ton of stuff with them, they're great. Now, this is like your world of music, Mike, only.

Yes. It's just a different, there's layers here. This, this is magic. Your layers end at Studfinder. This is magic. Yes. All right, that is it. What did we learn?

What did we learn today? Go for it. Fellas, I'm about to eat a buffalo chicken. Oh, how you feeling? I haven't had it yet, but I expect later I'm gonna have some, oh, I can't read my writing. Borger. Borbor?

Borgerigmas. Borborigmas. Borger, smorgas, borgus? What's the word? Borborigmas. Borborigmas. Borg-o-gur-ous. Borg-o-gur-ous. Borg-o-gur-ous. A borg-o-s-morg-o-gorg-ous? What's the word? I think it's a borg-o-gur-ous. Borg-o-gur-ous. Borg-o-gur-ous. You learned that so well, Mike.

Borg-o-gur-ous. Borg-o-gur-ous. Borg-o-gur-ous. I learned that Jason either hangs giant pictures or multiple pictures at all times. And I learned that science is very limiting, whereas magic is unlimited.

Nice. Thank you for hanging around for this episode of the spitballers podcast. Tell your friends check out join the spit comm if you want to submit your ideas for the show. Until next time, Annie Mike and Jason, Alan the judge. Goodbye. Goodbye for listening to the spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.