Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: The Big Retirement & A Hospital Battle Royale - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 29, 2022

Spit Hit for September 29, 2022: On today’s show, we talk about artificial pet-telligence, limb smoothies, and colostomy bombs. Yeah, it’s as ‘off the rails’ as it sounds. We also answer some great questions regarding proper egg carton etiquette and gift card bonuses. We close the show down in a hospital with a fight to the death! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spitwads, sometimes shows, sometimes they go off the rails. You know that. You've listened to our episodes. Well, today's spit hit, it's going to get a little off the rails. I mean, we got colostomy bombs happening on today's episode, and we are going to be in a battle royale in a hospital, which is where this episode belongs. Enjoy. Enjoy.

Enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Oh, yeah. with Andy, Mike, and Jason. you know me. I liked it. Your enthusiasm never wavered throughout, which is important to a good scat. Crucial. It was a variant. I mean, I haven't heard anything like it.

That's a good scat, my friend. You shoot for the stars. Sometimes you land on the moon. Yeah. But you didn't. I didn't? You landed in the stars, sometimes you land on the moon. Yeah. But you didn't. I didn't. You landed in the stars, my friend. You're beyond being able to come back. Either way, I'm dead.

You know how Jason feels about Zooey's. Oh, yeah. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. You can watch the show, YouTube.com slash Spitballers. Welcome in. Welcome all the brand new listeners to the show youtube.com slash pitballers. Welcome in. Welcome all the brand new listeners to the show. As you heard, it's episode 123. So if you're brand new, you have a lot of episodes that you can listen to. Clear your calendar. I mean, award winning

episodes. Jason, Jason, multi, Multi award winning. I apologize. Back to back award winning best comedy podcast, 123 episodes to listen to. A lot of you have built up some vacation time at your respective jobs. We recommend you don't use that to vacation. You use that to listen to the show. Oh, it's a vacation. You take a couple weeks, yeah, vacation from yourselves. This is you time. That's right.

This is you time and us time. Yeah. Yeah, you and us. We're all together. More us than you. And, I mean, we can prove it to you because we've got a review to read. Review-a-saurus rags. This one comes in from Mark's mama.

Mark's mama. One mama one word five stars whole family anticipates monday shows come out monday morning and we as a family just love it all all the segments have become favorites i'm a teacher and in this crazy year have stolen many a would you rather for my classroom conversation starters we're gonna're going to need to bill you on that one. Oh, yeah. But brilliantly funny, off-the-cuff conversations that feel like you're sitting with your most hilarious friend's clean comedy. Well, thank you, Mark's mama.

Got it going on. Wonderful review. And Jason is right. We do charge a small royalty to classroom students if they use our would you rather questions which are all individually copyrighted by Al Borland he spends most of his time on paperwork and then we obviously sue who we need to

so many nickels we have collected yeah but thank you for all that paperwork and dimes that's true really nickel and dime people yeah oh gosh it's one of those episodes. Here we go. Would you rather?

Alexis from Twitter, would you rather live with a robot who cooks delicious meals for you every day or live with a robot who cleans your home every day so the robot either cooks delicious meals or cleans your home sounds like i'm gonna be getting two robots that is where is the robot store because i would like to buy honestly if i could have my entire, like, every cent that I make goes to just buying more robots. And I could just get a home full of robots. That would be the life. Imagine the people in the future. I mean, people will be the Jetsons eventually.

Because we've all seen the robot dogs out of, what is it, Boston Dynamics? Mm-hmm. If those things don't, you know- Kill us all. Yeah, singularity. Realize that their robots are being mistreated, but eventually there'll be robots that can cook and clean. Yeah, that's what you think, but the Jetsons,

you know what I think about with the Jetsons? What, Rosie? I think about putting my hair in one of those things, and it cuts the hair and styles it, and then every day you can get a fresh cut in the morning. That's what you care about most? No, it's not what I care about most. I'm just saying you said that we'll be the Jetsons.

I don't think we're getting flying cars, and I don't think we're getting my hair cut, just like we aren't getting the hoverboards. It's all a lie. I think we're going to get there. The gap between those little Boston Dynamics dogs running around doing nothing for $75,000. Those are $75,000, by the way. You can buy one.

Wait, you cannot buy one. You are wrong. What's their leasing options? And, of course, this came up because our family is getting a puppy. You looked into the mechanical dog first? Before we even decided to get a puppy, my son, he's like, let's get one of these. And I was like, you don't really want a robot dog. Okay, hold up.

Hold up. Sorry. Philosophical moment time. Sure. I apologize, Alexis, from Twitter. We'll get to your question maybe now. Maybe. I apologize, Alexis, from Twitter.

We'll get to your question maybe now. Maybe. If there was a robotic dog that was, let's say, 75% acted like a real dog. Got it. Three legs. Got it. Yes. Good math. But no, I mean more in behavior, cadence, what they'll do.

They'll jump up and lay on your lap. Yeah. But it's a robot. There's no life. This thing goes and sits on a charger while you sleep. You're speaking my language right now, man. Is there any reason to buy this thing? Would you want that?

Would you want just a robot that comes and steals your electricity? You got to feed it. Steals your electricity? Wait, wait, hold on. What am I giving? I don't have to give it shots. It never dies and makes my kids sad. And so, but I'm confused at the part where it's taking my electricity, but I also have

to feed it. Why do I have to feed the robot? Yeah, you feed it electricity. No, I'm feeding it electricity. I was just trying to double up on the negative little electricity cubes. But my point is this. What? Because I'm a huge dog lover.

I love dogs. Yeah. What good would that not real dog ever bring? Could you find joy in that? Could you love that dog? I bet you could. Yeah. I guarantee you could.

Yeah. See, Mike, I thought you were going to go the other direction. I'm completely with you on this. I could never love that thing. I think you could because if, Mike, I thought you were going to go the other direction. I'm completely with you on this. I could never love that thing. I think you could because if what you're saying is true, then that dog shows you all the things that you like about dogs. Therefore, you would build an affection for it. But I know it's not real.

Yeah, but have you ever seen the Mandalorians got like a droid robot in there? They form a connection. C-3PO, you don't have a connection to C-3PO? It's not just that. And this isn't robot, but Jason, you are like me. You can be a very emotional man when you are watching a movie.

Absolutely. So when you're watching Game of Thrones and, you know, a character that you cared about, all of a sudden they are now gone. And you're telling me inside you didn't go and hurt that this fictitious creature that you have never spent a single physical moment of your life with which

is also an actor yeah this is not even a real person but you care you we are human beings you we all have had an item in our life that we are sentimentally attached to and you can't get rid of it and at the end of the day you're like well it's it's a toenail clipping but no i've had this since the fifth grade you know and i just can't get i can't get rid of it i don't have affection for things i don't have a memento okay okay okay let me give you a different story then okay a dog we understand a more intelligent creature there is a reciprocity is that a word it is now there is a i love michael keaton the dog doesn't experience what you experience yeah it experiences dog affection from you but not what you are experiencing from the dog but an animal like i don't know, a gerbil or a rabbit.

The experiences that those animals are having, they don't have the experience you do. Like a snake. You're basically keeping them in a cage, but you can form a huge affection to them and love them, and they would really rather leave you. Yeah, and they're like, you're keeping me in this cage, you turd. Yeah. Let me out. I mean, I don't know how that's different than a robot. Look, you guys make really strong arguments. The actors, the caged animals.

But there is something about life that, I mean, I realize it's people acting out life. But this machine, I don't know if I could or not. Interesting. I mean, the android in C-3PO, that's probably the best. I could see imbuing it with those elements but i need i needed to have those elements anyways would i be allergic to the robot dog they can build that in yeah oh they'll build it if you want it's a feature would you like minor allergies all right so uh alexis has a question from twitter yeah the question that you didn't answer because you answered both.

Cooks delicious meals or cleans your home? I'm going to assume that this robot I have imbued with all the emotional love. And while I love them cooking and I love them cleaning, I enjoy one of these tasks and despise one of these tasks. Could you imagine life with a robot that just cleans up everything after you? I would love that. We got three kids. We all have three kids here. They don't clean up after themselves very well.

And this robot would make sure that they never have to. It's tough because autopilot meals is really. Yes. I mean, and Mike, I knew you would go that way. But it's not just making the meal. Like, making the meal can be fun. It's actually thinking about it, buying the ingredients, planning it, cleaning up after it. Autopilot meals.

Yeah, lock it up, man. You would take the cook over the cleaner? Yes, yes, 1,000%. I'm sitting here thinking I pretty much get autopilot meals already. Oh, look at me. Well, I just mean my wife, I'm not a good cook, and she's outstanding and does it so well. So I guess I would probably ask her which one she wanted and go with that robot.

You do both of these things anyways. Picking up is obnoxious. I am also not the best picker-upper after myself. Just can't bend down. But when it comes, yeah, it's really far down. I got to say, I got these tight hamstrings. But cleaning, when you start to engage in the act of cleaning, it's really not that bad. If you're going to vacuum, pop your headphones.

The headphones are key, man. I mean, cleaning the bathroom, it sounds like this daunting task, but you're really done in about five minutes. I have had a couple of times recently where my wife has cooked an incredible dinner. There's a lot of mess. A couple of times recently where my wife has cooked an incredible dinner. There's a lot of mess. I get up to help clean the mess up, which I try to do because she spent all this effort and time. And a couple of times she's like, please don't.

I would like to listen to a podcast and just go into a zone. I would like to buy whichever robot you do not need off of you. And then I will have both. So we're going to work out a deal here. You get no robots. I get two robots. So you win. Yes. This is a great... Thank you, Alexis. And what happens then when Robot EXV

passes away? I would cry. I would absolutely 100% be devastatedly heartbroken. All right. Brett from the website. Would you rather retire 10 years earlier or work two hours less each day? That's a great question. And I think those lines are nice, Al, because 10 years, it's earlier, but it's not your whole life.

But two hours less per day, that's a lot of life stacked up over. So what's the normal? Eight hours a day. No, the normal retirement age like 65 if you took 10 years away from that you would get a number that i could not possibly tell you about oh no we can't do that on this show yeah we don't have the thank you sammy hagar uh two hours less each day. So you normally work a 30-hour work week for your whole life. Yeah. That's not bad. So, you know, let's get philosophical again.

All right. I know where you're going, too. What is retirement? Is retirement where you are just cruising around the world? Do you go from one cruise ship to the next and it's all relaxation and luxury time or do you just simply you know shift and go into philanthropy or or some other uh work yeah that is productive you know what i mean like what do you guys think you're gonna do in your retirement it's it's what i was going to answer this question with, which is I like

working because we have a career that I enjoy doing. So I think I would rather do the two hours less each day, keep that part of my life going. But to answer your question, I think it is the removal of the obligation to work. So if you want to take a year off or two years off, you're not under the gun. You're not under the demands. That would be my... I mean, technically, I think most people just think of it as not working anymore. Right.

But if I wanted... If I'm just... Man, I'm so passionate about building birdhouses. I just love them. Yeah. And I can't make a career out of that because I'm building little birdhouses. But if I retire and I choose, like, that's what I want to do with my time, I think that's cool.

Oh, yeah. So I think I'm taking the 10 years. That's cool, Daddy-O. I think, like, I don't hear what I'm not saying. I absolutely love my job. We are blessed to be. Are you going to start doing something like that when you quote unquote retire are you going to come up with a hobby that has no connection to money that you

just can you be fulfilled in that in the sense that you know could you be a whittler i think i have to do you whittle yeah you have to fill your time with something you have to come up with a hobby we were talking about this the other day right like what is what our what are our hobbies oh my hobby is nothing i don't have time for hobbies i i would love to play video games i love video games i don't play video games you want to know why no time well you're raising children and we all are doing that and we feel like that that's kind of when we all said we didn't have hobbies we're like that's because mostly we have you know we all have three kids they're in school that's our hobby in a lot of ways it's just like parenting parenting and that will go away so if that's a hobby you enjoy you could always like i've always thought one of the things that's

interesting is you know adoption fostering those things can be done by people in their 50s wait you want to start over well no not necessarily start, because if you're fostering and stuff like that, you can do that at 55 or 65 years old. And not have to feel like you're starting over. No, you're just starting over all the time. You're old, man. You did your time. If you don't like it, you don't got to do it.

It's a lease situation. Thank goodness. You know, it's like... I don't know how I feel about that joke, but I love it. It's a good callback. I'm just trying to decide whether to call back to emotional connections or not. But no, Mike, you don't have to foster or adopt any kids at 60. Thank goodness.

But I don't know. I know I'm not going to be fulfilled by playing video games all day long. I know. That's why you golf. That might last for a... Golfing and breakfast. Pickleball. I will be a professional pickleball player when I retire.

Are we going to golf together when we're old? When we are old, it will just be competition after competition. We'll figure out what our old men bodies can actually still do, and we will just be competing. Dude, give me 10 years of that. I can't wait. I'll figure out what our old men bodies can actually still do and we will just be competing. Dude, give me 10 years of that. I can't wait. I'll work... You only get 10 years? I'll work two extra hours. Well, you know.

Right. When I retire, I've got probably about 10 years left before I retire. The big retirement. The big retirement. In the ground. The big R. The big retirement. The big retirement. In the ground. The big R. The big retirement. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, I mean, I... Where's Jason? Oh, he retired. He retired. No, no, no. The big R. The big one. All right.

Did we answer this, Mike? Which are you officially taking? I'm going to take, I don't know. The competition part sounds pretty sweet. Yeah, the 10 years earlier then? Yeah, I'll take the 10 years. It's not like, the real question is just like, if getting two hours a day back,

would that really make you feel like you have more time? Probably not. You'd probably just be parenting for two more hours. I was going to say it might be worse. Oh, man. We've got pretty sweet jobs here. We've got to go home, help with more homework. Can I vote two hours more per day?

Al, do we have time for another Would You Rather? Yeah, we do. Okay. Brad from Patreon. Would you rather have the ability to jump over anything you are looking at or the ability to fit through any tight space that you're looking at. Let's tease this out.

One of these has been an active problem for me over the last year. The jumping? What? Not that one. The fitting into tight spaces. Like, oh, that car is really... By tight spaces, do you mean pants? You mean getting into a car.

I don't mean pants. You just mean getting into a car. I don't mean pants. You just said getting into a vehicle. Yeah, well, so, yes, I've got a practical example from literally last weekend. I was helping move. You shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. I've got a bit of a weight problem. I was helping a family member move, and so I rented a U-Haul.

And so I go, and it's all touchless right now. And I find my truck, and I've got to get into this thing. Man, they are parked so close together. These are big 15-foot trucks that have... I'm going down an alleyway of like a foot and a half between these trucks. I'm needing butter. I'm trying to squeeze through these two trucks this is not gonna happen i was like do i walk around all the trucks and try from the front

also you haul get some more parking spots did you get in i got it all right we did it oh my gosh you know what's funny is when i heard this question i instantly pictured two one thing for each jumping over anything, the first thing I thought of was the Grand Canyon. I was like, I just want to jump over the Grand Canyon. I thought of a mountain. Okay, there you go. That's an intense jump. I thought of a basketball hoop. A little less

dreamy over here. But you're jumping over the hoop? Yeah, be like, oh, look at me try. I couldn't dunk. I would not be able to dunk because I would have to jump over it. But that would be a SportsCenter top ten. If you jumped over and threw the ball down, that's a crazy dunk. That would be a top ten if you jumped over a basketball hoop. Yes, it would.

The small one, I instantly thought of like a keyhole, like an old-timey keyhole just sliding through the secret locked door. Like Alice in Wonderland? Yeah. I mean, I don't know how practical that is. There's not a lot of locked doors I'm running into these days. Especially with old-timey cables. With old-timey, yeah.

I mean, like a crack under a door. Yeah. I mean, are there any restrictions? I mean, how large is this gap? Like an electrical outlet. Yeah, sure. I can collapse to that. But I think this insinuates you're traveling through. That's true. I can collapse to that. This insinuates you're traveling through.

That's true. There's got to be an exit. You know, some of these keyholes, you're just going into a doorknob. Jason can rent U-Hauls all day long. Right, exactly. This is incredible. I didn't know it was so sci-fi here with what we can do. You moving this weekend?

Not a problem. I'll get a truck. I don't care how close they're parked together. I don't see the practical reason for being able to squeeze through tight space. When is the last time that you two normal sized

gentlemen have seen a place you just need to squeeze through? I mean, that's a good point. I mean, I guess you could do a... I can't think of anything. You ever want to go under a car? I mean, yeah. There's definitely cool stuff you could do.

Al, can you think of anything? Not nearly as cool as jumping. Not really. Neither one of these are practical, but the jumping is more practical. Oh, it's practical. I spill a giant soda all over the kitchen floor. The paper towels are on the other side. No problem.

Mike and I are jumping over mountains. You're like, I can clean up a little bit easier. I can jump over this whole Coca-Cola spill. I'm walking downtown. This building's in my way. I'm going to jump over it. Mr. Jump over a spill. You've got to raise your expectations.

It's literally a millimeter high. Are you blocking your pathway with spills on a regular basis? Also, you can't jump the spill. How big is this spill? Yeah, man. It's a six-foot spill. It's a wide. Is it a two-liter?

It is a two-liter, and I waited. I just watched it for a two liter it was a two liter and i waited i just watched it for a while as it continued to spill out oh no someone do something i can see jason picking this one and then just waiting for a two liter to spill for months on end but i was trying to come up with practical things like yes i could go see a skyscraper jump over awesome but what is a practical useful a time where you're like, I really need to jump over this thing. I'd be getting on cruise ships while they're already at sea. So you're jumping over the ocean. I'm jumping over the ocean to the cruise ship and then back.

That's pretty sweet. I don't have a whole lot. So super practical. I don't think there's practicality on either side. I just gave you a really practical. The two liter spill is the most practical thing. Do you want to walk across this and have the sticky shoes or do you want to just jump it? 36 years I haven't had a need to get from one side of a spill to another via jump. You've had to jump over a puddle though. Oh yeah. Okay. There we go. Very rarely. Okay. Let's move on. That's a great question. All right. That's a great question.

Noah from the website says, Time for the spitballers to settle another marital dispute. Well, that's what we're here for. Experts, actually. Just ask our wives. How do you correctly use up eggs out of the carton? Is it by rows or columns, right to left,

left to right? Well, this is a great question, as the title suggests. It's an important one. And there is clearly a right method. Hold on, hold on. Last time we had one of these, you guys ruined my life. Okay?

Did we really improve your life? Is that what you mean? No. You know what I'm talking about. No. I was a person. Was this the standing and sitting? No.

No. This was, I was a person who lived my life joyfully. I didn't have any problems no matter what way somebody put the toilet paper. Then suddenly you told me the right way to do it, which was over. We improved your life. And then now I'm a toilet paper Nazi. I flip them if I'm in a house that needs them flipped. Good for you, man.

Yes. But what I'm about to say is I don't give a crap about how the eggs come out. Yeah. Oh, yes, you do. I grab them at random. You do? What? No. You grab them at random? You don't just grab crap about how the eggs come out. Yeah. Oh, yes, you do. I grab them at random. What? No. You grab them at random?

You don't just grab them out of the middle. You grab one from the middle, one from the left, one from the right, and just put. Now, do you put. What are you, a psychopath? Yeah. I don't. I can tell you. You grab them from the middle?

I can tell you. I honestly don't care. I don't notice or care. My whole life has been this just completely devoid of any plan when it comes to eggs. I make eggs every morning almost. Full anarchist. Full and does not believe in laws, rules. Al,

have you ever thought about the order in which you're taking the eggs out? Don't answer. Alright, you guys. Okay, hold on. Here's a follow-up kind of very important aspect to this. What do you do with the shells? Are you putting the shells back in the carton? You're not do you do with the shells are you putting the shells back in you're not gonna like my answer are you putting the what do you eat them no what answer can you give me that's really gonna because i put the i put the shells back in the

cart that's totally normal is it that's see that's that's the answer i thought i was gonna get i've caught uh i've done it i've seen it done a couple times and i thought it was abnormal ow they go back in the carton for me so wait you crack them and then you just now you wash your hands or do you just lick your fingers clean wait you what is washing your hands have to do with where you put the shell he's saying he's getting egg all over his yolk on you crack your egg and drop the egg into the pan without getting yolk on you? No. Oh, okay. No, and then I wash my hands.

Oh, okay. But you put the shells back in versus in the sink. I put them in the sink. We do both, but my wife, I would say the majority of times she puts her shells back in the carton. And here's why it matters. If you're putting the shells back in the carton, you can't go at random. No. I don't want to look at these full egg things. back in the cart and you can't go at random no i don't want to look at these full egg things i need to have clear delineation of which ones are used and which ones aren't i don't need to

be at the end of my dozen and be like i don't know if there's any eggs in here or not so that's why you go al thinks i'm a psycho now because i put them in the sink and then you garbage disposal yeah garbage disposal that's fine that's. I have never heard of that. I think I've heard of it before. That's what I personally do. You go sink? I go sink. My wife goes carton.

They're both acceptable. Now, hold on. So how far away is your sink from the stovetop? But is this your Kobe and your shoe? No, I'm not Kobe because I need to rinse my hands, so it's practical for me to just drop them in and then rinse my hands at the same motion. Mm.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. But as far as when this is like- But what you're saying makes sense about the order. If you're putting them back in, you need to follow an order. Otherwise, you're getting all dirty with the clean. Yep, 100%.

Dirty with the clean. You have to go left to right. That's the weirdest part about this question. Oh, it's left to right or right to left? Well, then that just depends on what country you live in, right? You've got to go reading. You've got to go how you read. Sure.

If you're in Israel, I support you going right to left. You read right to left, you take those eggs right to left. Over here in America, we're over here in america we're top to bottom left to right people okay yeah i i guess i just i i'm sad that this question came up because my life is joyful owl just said he does columns now columns is right to left in column columns is the long right, that's a row. That's the row? Yeah.

Okay. So he's going left to right. No, columns makes sense to me. Top to bottom, left to right. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, top to bottom, left to right. Jason's right. So if you're looking at this thing, you take top left, bottom left. The next top left, the next bottom left.

That's the best thing to do with shells. Otherwise, you're going to have shells up above a whole row of clean eggs. Oh, see, I go just like reading. Oh, you go full top line. I'll go left to right. But you don't put shells back in or you do? I do. I put the shells back in. See, if you don't put the shells back in, you have a completely safe space. You do create a bit of a weight distribution problem though. Oh, with your method. Yeah. And I have experienced this where you

grab. Yeah, that makes sense. If one side ends up getting all light, you pick it up and you miscalculate how heavy the eggs will actually be. So there is a problem with my method, but it's too late. I'm old. I'm stuck in my ways. Could there be a diagonal solution to this? No. You go zigzag?

Is this a square egg carton? No, you go zigzag? Is this a square egg carton? No, you go zigzag. My egg's coming to five by five grid. No, zigzag. You can't picture a zigzag in your head? Yeah, but then you're not going to know which- The weight distribution is perfect with zigzag. That's all I'm saying.

It's not perfect with zigzag. It's basically perfect. It's not at all. You've got to go one from the left, one from the right if you're going... Hold on. We're drawing zigzag lines. So you start on the left and you go zigzag. Now stop.

Now stop because that's how many eggs you've taken. Which side of the carton is heavier? The right side is heavier and your left is still... Alright, this is not good podcasting. I think... But we've solved a lot of problems. Yeah, I think we've nailed it.

So Noah, you're welcome. Terrible question. Now I'm going to think about this tomorrow. My life was perfect. All right, Mason from Patreon. Oh, thank you for your support. You discover that you received $400 worth of Amazon gift cards from your company as a thank you for your hard work.

Do you reward yourself with something big like a new guitar, piece of tech, a toy, or do you share it with the wife so that you can each get something smaller or something for the house? So this is good. This is good. Here's the thing. I love it when people give gift cards because it's permission to spend.

100%. When you give somebody cash, they feel like maybe I got to pay a bill. I got to put this to a more responsible use. When you give them a gift card to a place, it's permission to spend. You have to. You're like, oh, I got a Pizza Hut gift card. Looks like we're ordering Pizza Hut. You can't buy practical things with a Pizza Hut gift card.

But specifically with Amazon. Amazon, you can live both ways. I mean, you can't buy a you know practical things with a pizza but specifically with amazon amazon you can live both ways i mean you can get practical you can get your groceries if you want or you can get a cool guitar or whatever i don't think this is a question so much of this sounds like mason is saying do i hide it from the wife or not. But what I'm saying is this isn't about hiding it from the wife. This is practical versus impractical. And if you got a gift from your company for hard work, don't you dare spend that on a practical need. Don't you dare get groceries or garbage bags. Really?

Oh, you got to. This is your opportunity to splurge. It does suck. Garbage bags. Really? Oh, you got to. This is your opportunity to splurge. Get yourself some nice. It does suck. I know that if I deposit one of those gift cards into our family Amazon account, it's going to be dribbled away on trash bags and Lysol and some restocking of a vitamin. Get yourself a robot. Get yourself a robot, dog.

You need a lot more than $400. You just need about $74,600. The best part of Amazon gift cards is, we talk about the practicality. Someone gives me a restaurant gift card. Number one, it's in my wallet. Number two, I forget it's ever there. I've got like 10 restaurant gift cards that I'm not using.

I pull it up. I'm like, oh, holy crap. I was supposed to buy ice cream five years ago. Yeah. But Amazon, it's like a little – it's like when you find the $20 bill in your winter coat when you go to check out. It's like, how would you like to pay? Oh, well, we will apply $33.85 from your gift card. You go, oh, hot dog.

I got money on here. And I get that, but I actually think the broad nature of Amazon is worse for the gift card. I need something more fixed. You brought up Pizza Hut. Maybe not that, but like GameStop. You give me $400 for GameStop. I get to go buy video games. When it's Amazon, it's too broad.

Interesting. You get like a $400 gift card to like Brooks Brothers. Be like, ooh, I can get a back scratcher for this. But look, it lights up. Yeah. Zero gravity. But I do agree with you in the sense that like Amazon, if you take that gift card and you put it to your account, it disappears.

You don't even feel any of it. It's just they suck your money back out of that gift card. Unless you had one thing that you really wanted to buy before you got the gift card, you are not excited about anything because it's too much choice. The choice is just infinite. With sucking your money just right from you, when you return stuff now on Amazon, they're always like, hey, we can put this back on your credit card.

It'll take three to five business days. Or you can put it right in your Amazon account, and we'll give you that money right now. I'm like, oh, well, I'm going to be back, Mr. Amazon. They do have a lot of funny incentives too. You can get something shipped the next day or we can ship it more conveniently for us in two days and I'll give you a free movie. I have done that method so many times and I think I've collected zero of those rewards.

I never remember. But you want the value? Yeah. I've collected zero of those rewards. I never remember. But you want the value? Yeah. I'm like, well, I don't need this. Maybe I'll rent a movie on Amazon Prime. I don't know. I'm lying to myself. The answer is no, I will not.

Can you use the $400 worth of Amazon gift cards to buy gift cards to more specific places? I think you can. What? Yeah. You want to go to Outback Steakhouse? Boom, bam. $400. $400. You want a $400 Outback? It's just a currency exchange. Yeah. But it's a currency exchange that limits you. So it's a currency exchange that says, I'm going to have to spend something on me. That's what you do. You need to panic by a specific place unless you're going to

let it just go away on practical items that's the answer okay aaron from the website with a much different question if you eat your limbs do you gain weight or lose weight oh that is mind-bending if you eat your limbs do you gain weight or lose weight i mean well you're gonna lose weight yeah how is it not lose weight are you ever if you never poop or pee again then you stay the same well but no but is that true that's the real question is like if you ate your limbs right now yes do you weigh the exact amount at the end of eating your limbs as right now? You're going to have to make a limb smoothie. Yeah, I think you have to weigh the same.

We're kind of moving past the fact that it's a little bit cumbersome to eat your own limbs off. But it's not just, you got the bone, you got the marrow. But does the smoothie have the exact same mass? Yes. I think so. But obviously when you pour it in your cup or your mouth, you're going to lose a little bit of the residue. This is really gross.

The limb smoothie. I think. The implication is you could drink the limb smoothie with all of its contents. You're not losing some to the smoothie. Yeah, but it won't all get used. Does anything happen in terms of the science of your saliva and digesting it? Can you lose weight that way?

By eating your limb? Would you weigh the exact same amount? No, you would weigh less. Okay, but how does that scientifically happen if it's the exact same? Let me ask you this, Mike. If you eat a 10-pound weight, you hold a 10-pound weight or you eat a 10-pound weight.

Do you weigh 10 pounds more at the end? For a little bit. Yeah, you have to. For a little bit. Until you excrete anything else. Even if you chew it up. Yes, chewing something. If you were to take a 10-pound weight and chop it up into little tiny bits and put it on a scale, it's going to weigh 10 pounds.

Now, wait a second. No matter disappeared. You gain weight because of caloric intake on top of the weight of something, right? Your body builds weight. So are you getting caloric value out of your own limbs because they're meat? Yeah, you'll get nutritional value from the limb smoothie. So will you gain weight? No, because you also lost 12 pounds.

Why did somebody link me to an Outback Steakhouse gift card? Are you treating the company? Apparently. What's the matter with that Outback bread? So just let me put this out there because I'm trying to understand the science, which you both seem to comprehend perfectly. Oh, we fully understand. Yeah.

You eat your limbs right now. Mm-hmm. You wait 24 hours, no poop, no pee. Mm-hmm. Do you weigh exactly the same as you do right now you wait 24 hours no poop no pee do you weigh exactly the same as you do right now no because there's things like sweat and uh but what about the calories building fat in your body which weighs but you but you won't absorb all the calories your body will will take what it can right it'll store some and then it'll reject the the other in a triumphant limb smoothie diarrhea. Triumphant.

It would be triumphant. Okay. This is a, I mean. This is not a weight loss method we approve of. Right. Now, Aaron, you've disturbed us to a significant degree. Thank you. The Spitballers Draft.

It's too gristly. Otherwise, we'd recommend it. The gristle. Too much gristle. Yeah. You got to smoke it first. It's really a hassle. Ideally, yeah. Then you've only got one hand for the smoking, and it's a problem.

Yeah. It's just not easy from what I understand. All right. Hospital Battle Royale. That is our draft today. A Hospital Battle Royale. We tend to visit various locations and battle with one another. You talked about what would we do in our retirement.

Apparently, this is the answer. We would fight in a variety of locations until one of us reaches the big R. The big retirement ceremony, which after this draft, you'll both be suffering from the big R when I get done with you. No way. No way. My list is so good. And not only is it a good list.

My list is terrible. But I just thought of something to add on that I love. Oh, man. All right, so we are all dropped off at a hospital. All right. Now, I know, Al, just keep Jason in check here, because I don't know how much cheating he's going to do, but we know it will be a lot.

But Mike gets the first pick. Yeah, and this is not a great place to be. There's at least a handful of things that could easily go at the number one spot. But I'll take the one that is the most fun. Maybe it's not the most practical, but it's the most fun, and it would be terrifying to see me running at you with a defibrillator. Yeah, that was my number two. That was my number two pick because of what you said.

It's just so fun. Exactly. I mean, it might not win. Oh, we're going to get so many. It most definitely won't win. We will get notes from doctors of, well, you can't actually. No, in our battle royale, I can just hit you with them. It basically just shocks you.

Yes. And you'll be shot back multiple feet. But don't make the mistake of, you know. Oh, you don't rub them together. Well, if you use that thing after you've killed me, you may just bring me back for the rest of the fight. Oh, that's a good point. So just be careful. You can't over defib.

Or I might be like asking you, please, please. So you got the defibrillator. That wasn't even on my list, which means my list is probably crappy. Oh, man. Now, let's get the cheating out of the way. I assume I cannot take the ambulance, right? Because I'll run you guys down. The ambulance is not inside of the hospital.

The ambulance was 100% on my list. It was my secret last pick. I'll take the medical chopper. All right, the ambulance is off the list. Yeah, of course. Inside the hospital. Of course, I would never allow that. Can I get the hospital shotgun?

Is that available? I'll take the security guard. Now there's two of me and he's got a gun. All right, let's be real. Okay. Yeah, let's get serious. We're in a fight. Mike has a disability.

I am going. This thing's getting serious. This is getting serious. Look, when we do these fights, it's about what can be weaponized, and I'm taking one that already is one. I'm taking a bone saw. Yeah. Oh, yeah, baby.

I'm going to go right through you. Well, slowly. But methodically, like hold still kind of right through you. Just give me 20 back and forths. I never would have imagined the 101 dropping to me here. But it did. So I'll just take a scalpel. I mean, I'm going to be slicing, dicing.

It's far more practical than your bone saw. No, it is not. Your bone saw, it's unwieldy. My bone saw is so much larger that he's not going to be able to get at me. While I'm swinging a bone saw at him, he's got his little tiny itty bitty baby knife. I don't know, man. I think the leverage on it's going to be all weird. If you hit me with a bone saw, I'm going to have a little cut. If you hit me with a scalpel, I'm going to lose a limb.

No, but you will be slashed open. It will not be a little cut, man. It's a scalpel. I'm telling you lose a limb. No, but you will be slashed open. It will not be a little cut, man. It's a scalpel. I'm telling you. Its whole essence is big cuts. This is what they use to open the body. But I understand that after you, look, you might need to dispose the body. Yeah.

And you'll have the tool. Now the question is where to go from here. And I think I need to be smart here. And I really want something, but I want it to come back to me. I'm going to take the risk. Okay. So I am going to go with something that I know you're afraid of, independent of being in a battle.

Oh, no. Something that you're terrified of. I'm going to take some syringes yeah that was some needles i'm gonna be able to throw those things while i'm wielding my scalpels it's a great pick and uh it will make me duck that is true it will make me jump out of the way and so that is a great pick thank. I already know you ain't jumping very far there, Mr. Two-Leader. That's why I ain't worried about it. All right. It's to me.

I've got a couple clever ones that I think I'm going to take later, and they're going to come back to me. This was top of the mind. I heard about this. I put myself in a little hospital room and I looked around mentally. I said, what's here? Because there's no bone saw in that room. Hopefully.

And so I look around and there it was. Yeah. It's the first thing I would grab if we're in a fight. It's just the IV stand. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? It's basically a spear. I could turn it around, have the wheels at you.

I can even ride the thing if I want to. You know what I mean? All these floors in the hospital are real stable, hold a lot of weight. But the IV stand. You could keep me at a distance. Exactly right. And then you'll hit me with little tiny hypodermic needles. I imagine that thing functioning like the chair when they're holding off a lion.

You know what I mean? Yes, that is what it is. Now I need a whip. I don't know about the spear part of it, but I get what you're saying. Alright. That's a good pick. Thanks. Alright. I have my picks. Number one,

I'm not sure that this pick is this type of a pick. I don't think it's ever been taken. Oh, no. Oh, no. This is a weird thing for you to be reacting. I have a pick that we've never taken this type of a pick.

Because this is not for you guys. No. This pick is for me. I know. If I'm fighting Andy, he's got a scalpel. I'm taking at least a few slashes of your scalpel. Oh, you're so smart. Jason's got a bone saw.

I'm getting hit at least a few times with the bone saw. Am I going to feel it? No, because I'm going to be nitroused up, baby. You give me the gas, and I will feel none of your attacks. Oh, man, you are so close. That is so funny. No, there's another one you could take, and you'll be on the ground incapacitated. No, no, hold on.

I don't want to leave Mike's pick for a second because it's hilarious. And also it's hilarious because as opposed to you finding a piece of armor, you're willing to take the damage. You just don't want to feel it. I will die, but I won't feel it. You want to die numb or giggling. I also love that your wits about you have now been diminished because I've seen. But your voice sounds like this now.

They have slightly. Look. No, I've got it. I can- You went with- I don't need to just sit there and count to 10. I can just take a- No, we're good.

We're good, man. All right. He's sitting there trying to figure out how to turn his defibrillator on. I'm almost over here getting high on nitrous. He's nitrous. I'm going to die, but I'm going to die happy. He's shocking himself. Oh, I'm passing out.

Clear. If you're looking for me, I will be in the corner. Oh, my goodness. All right. You get another pick. Lucky you. And this one is a bit armored. I thought you were going to go with this one, Jason.

Okay. I mean, it's a classic. You see people hitting the head with it all the time in the movies. I will take a bedpan. Oh, okay. Yeah, a bedpan's good. A bedpan's good. I can wield this thing as a weapon.

I can block. Maybe I got some poo I can use as a weapon. But be careful of them. I mean, it's metal, right? Yes. So be careful of the defibrillator. That's all I'm saying. I got those on my hips.

All right. Those are clear. The best is drawing the hospital. All right. We only got one pick before the one that I want gets back to me. So, Jason, don't ruin it. Well, I'm not going to ruin it because you weren't upset by Mike's pick. I was tilted because there were two that I thought,

you guys aren't going to think of this. And you did think of the right line of thinking. It's not just a what's it do to you, but what can it do to me. So, I'm taking the same line of thinking but i am taking a shot of adrenaline oh that's a good one oh i'm gonna be strong i'm basically on pcp let's go you want to fight someone crazy on drugs i'm stronger faster i mean i'll die after the fight you know what i mean like but i will win the fight i've got a new defensive plan on Jason, which is just, I'm just going to run around the hospital until his heart explodes. Because you're doomed.

I looked this up. Adrenaline lasts until whatever. You die. Sure. That would stop it. But it lasts, basically, when adrenaline comes, it lasts until whatever event is happening is over. So no joke. Wow.

Not the drug, though. You're talking about adrenaline in your system. Yes, I am, but shh. Yeah, I was like, I'm trying to be all smart. Yeah, adrenaline will suppress your appetite, which would be key to keeping going in this. That's great, man, because hospital cafeteria is underrated. in this. That's great, man, because hospital cafeteria is underrated. Oh, man. Mike's defibrillator

mixed with Jason's adrenaline heart. Well, look, I wouldn't be doing myself a service in one of these battle royales if I didn't go to my roots in these fights. Now, look, we've been in a home improvement store before, and you've

seen me cruising around. You've seen me've been in a home improvement store before and you see me cruising around. You've seen me cruising around in a lawnmower. Look, I've got a scalpel. It's quick. It's wieldy. I've got a bunch of syringes. I'm throwing them. But you know what? You ever been hit with a drive-by? I'm taking a wheelchair, baby. Those hallways are wide and I'm going to get from point A to point B. A wheelchair? Oh, I'm taking a wheelchair. I thought I knew your pick. And it also has wheels, but it has so much more practical purpose than sitting down in a wheelchair and going slower. Is it the bed?

Yes. No, I get a running start. You get a running start for the wheelchair? You're darn right I do. How does that... What does a running start with a wheelchair look like? First of all, I probably have an electric one. First of all, you can't run when you're in a wheelchair.

You going backwards on this thing? You're running and then jumping into it? I'm going to. Look, the mental picture of me doing a drive-by syringe throw at you is all I need. All right. Oh, man. Wait, is this my last pick? It is.

Oh, no. Do you just have so many? I believe it is my pick. Oh, thank you. Oh, I. Do you just have so many? I believe it is my pick. Oh, thank you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jason. That was not intentional. Thank you, Jeremy. That is exactly what I...

It's a bobsled push-off with the wheelchair. That's right. I don't think it's going to last very long. You're not going to be able to jump the bat. Most hospitals, you don't know this, most hospitals are at a tilt. So if I start at one side... They're graded out. The momentum.

So all we have to do is go up and laugh at his wheelchair. We're on high ground. Mike won't know up from down. He's on nitrous. That's true. Wandering around with a bedpan. Probably peeing in it. I'll take a colostomy bag because I'm going to need it. All right.

All right. I need to make another pick. You think a colostomy bag bomb would have been effective? That would, I'd rather. A colostomy bomb? A colostomy bomb. Oh, yuck. Oh, don't miss some of that. All right.

I have to make one more pick. And I'm going to go with something a little bit surprising. But I might need it to use these needles to maximize their value and uh so i'm gonna i'm gonna take a bunch of iv tubing and i'm gonna wrap it around your neck i'm gonna set traps with it so you gotta go whip i i can use it as a whip i can use it as a uh i can use it toe. Sorry. I can use it to strangle you. Did you just whip and nae nae? You know it. I mean...

And I'll set a bunch of traps up with it, and I'll trip you with it, like Home Alone style. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're going down. I will slip. And then I'll ride on top of your body with my wheelchair. All right. It's not making it over him.

Okay, so now I'm on the clock for my last pick and i've got a problem because my best pick on my sheet the one that i want the most is defensive it's a shield if you will but i've already got the iv stand that's not really a weapon and i've got a bone saw, which is a weapon, but my adrenaline shot makes me a weapon, but I feel like I'm one weapon short. So, do I go weapon or shield? Oh, second thoughts.

All right. I am going to take a surgical mallet. This is basically... That's a thing? That is a thing. A surgical mallet. Now is basically. That's a thing? That is a thing. A surgical mallet. Now, is that just a hammer? It is basically just a hammer, except it's double-sided, super metal.

Oh, if good. Weak. Right now, Google surgical mallets. Find something dangerous in a surgical textbook. Is this like the hammer they use to test your reflexes on your knee? No, it's not a little rubber. It's not a little rubber triangle that hits your knee. This is to get my bone saw through.

I'm going to hit the back of my bone saw with my surgical metal. You want us to lay down and let you perform surgery on us, and we're not going to. Does that knee tool do anything else? No. Or have they created a – it's a rubber hammer tool that does one thing. But you...

What else does a tongue depressor do? It does one thing. But those are disposable. It's a stick and you could do other things with a stick. But if this is... It's not like you can't just poke someone in the knee and their knee flares out with a reaction. They need the special hammer tool? Use your blade hand.

Just blade hand my knee. I don't know. This is silly. Ruminating over there. All right, so you took some sort of hammer nobody knows about. The doctors out there, they know. The surgeons out there, the next levels. All right, Mike, you get a last pick.

This brings me back to my medical machine gun. You with a bedpan, a defibrillator, and some nitrous right now is my favorite mental picture. You're certainly in the corner waiting to revive yourself. Oh, man. Now what? Now what? Yeah, I only have one on my list, and it's so stupid.

Oh, good, good. All right, well, I'll clearly be in a in a good mental state really focused from uh the nitrous and i already i've already accepted that i'm gonna uh take some damage here but i don't want to be bleeding everywhere so i gotta i gotta help myself out i'll take. I'll take the stitches. You're going to stitch yourself back up while we're trying to attack you? I'm going to call a timeout. I will back up.

I'll take a couple nitrous hits and then stitch myself up, and I'll be good to go. Could you stitch yourself? Do you think you could actually stitch yourself? Oh, could I stitch? Heck yes. You could?

Yeah, 1,000%. I could stitch another person. No, I could stitch myself. Oh my gosh. That's super impressive. Could you remove a bullet from yourself? Yes. Like in the wild west?

Could you pull your own tooth? Why do you have- I've ripped several of my own teeth out. Why? Because- Like every week? No, no. That sounds like a weird statement, but as a kid, went to the dentist and it was, I have

baby molars. The roots are completely gone, but they're still real sturdy. And if these don't come out, we're going to have to pull them. So I just, over the course of a few days, found a little notch and ripped my tooth out. Now, the irony here is that you took- I can handle it. You took nitrous to dull the pain that you apparently don't feel. Well, I don't want to bleed out.

And it makes it easier to do the stitches if I can't feel feel. Well, I don't want to bleed out and it makes it easier to do the stitches. If I can't feel it, I'm very, I'm very impressed with you. It's foolproof. He's snitching on people over there. Um, Oh yeah. Welcome to the spitballers comedy podcast. Everybody. Let me, let me check the scoreboard. We got a whip and nay nay nay nay. And then we got a snitches get stitches. That is correct. So Mike took a defibrillator, he took laughing gas, he took a bedpan, and he took stitches. Guys, I don't think I'm going to win.

I've been on nitrous before. It did not make me feel like I was going to win a fight. It did make me think I was really funny telling jokes to a nurse. That's what it did. Oh, you're going to be hysterical. You will be the funniest. We will stop fighting for a while to record. There's Bedpan Guy.

Is he stitching himself again? Mike, you're not even hurt. There's no cut there. Stop stitching yourself. I don't feel it. I don't feel it. Preventative stitching. Preventative stitching.

You'll never be able to get through all my stitches. Jason has a bone saw. He's got his IV stand, which I think is a great pick. I did not have that on my list. An adrenaline shot, which I believe probably more useful than the nitrous. And a surgical mallet. I went scalpel syringes, a really fast, nimble wheelchair, and some IV tubing. And the pick that I really wanted,

but I felt like it was too defensive at the end, I thought about it, right, was we started, if only you guys had some kind of gun, because a cadaver shield would be fantastic. You'd got to get through. You're just getting a dead body? Wait, a dead body? Yeah.

I mean, you see it in the movies, right? The meat shield. The meat shield shield that would be the pin cushion absolutely try getting the scapel through double human layers did you see i i thought about drafting i mean you guys both took drugs different drugs is there any offensive drugs i didn't know if i could get a vial of blood with like an infection in it and throw it at you it got a little bit well i mean there's like you could hit somebody with a what what do they use to put people to sleep besides yeah some uh oh i've got i've got that i've got anesthesia drugs on my list but i think i got to get that into a vein

so that's gonna be hard yeah um i got a lab coat if you want to look good while you're like fashion is important i had a fleeting thought of do i just take the the hospital robe so i'm i'm real nimble. Oh, I had the whole. I'm nimble but covered. The whole x-ray machine on mine. Like, I'm not going to let you guys have your lead vests, and I'll just turn that thing off. Oh, the lead vest.

That would have been a great pick. Actually, the lead vest themselves would have been great. That's better than a meat shield. I could actually wear that thing. Oh, a lead vest is perfect. I thought about trying to lock one of you guys in one of those iron lungs, too. I think they got those at the hospital. They still got

the iron lungs, Al. You know this. For polio, right? Once you build one, you've got them forever. Yeah, there's no knee hammer. I'm sure there's a lot of different uses. Oh, right.

You guys have anything else? no mercy what did we learn today oh man i learned that a lead vest would have been a great pick yeah that would have been way better than three-fourths of my picks way better than stitches Stitches kit. I learned that I am looking forward to the days when robots can rule my life. And that you may cry when they die. Yeah. Oh, that is something I learned today. I learned that Mike Wright doesn't feel pain regardless of nitrous and is willing to rip his own teeth out. Yeah, why would you need nitrous if you're like, yo, dude, I could pull a bullet out, rip my teeth out. That's a great point.

Maybe he's been on nitrous for quite a while. Didn't say it didn't hurt. I'm just a man. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.