Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: The Brown Lung & Places To Have Calories Not Count - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: April 18, 2024

Spit Hit for April 18th, 2024: On today’s show, we discuss competition vs cooperation. We also discuss re-downloading apps in between uses and being banned from drive thru windows. We then get into some ‘Highway to Spell’ as Mike tries to defend his back-to-back win streak. Can he do it? Lastly, we close it down with a draft of places to have calories not count. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Rumbly, rumbly, let me see your tootsie roll, badingy. What was the first word? Rumbly. Rumbly. Rumbly. Is this like a rumbly in your tumbly?

You betcha. Okay, all right. It was like a rumbly in your tumbly? You betcha. Okay. All right. It was like you forgot how to music. I was so afraid of starting too late. Oh, that you started way too early. I know. I know.

I know. You forgot how to music. I did. Let me see you tootsie roll. To the left. It's not a butterfly butterfly it's a tootsie roll oh welcome into the spitballers podcast this is episode 226 al is that true that is correct that's a lot that's a lot too many probably but uh here we are andy mike and jason the spitballers podcast would you rather on the show today? That's great.

Highway to spell. That is not great. And then we are drafting the best places to have calories not count. We're back to great. Which I'm very interested where this draft is going to go. I am both happy I have the first pick because I have my sights set on something, but also sad because there are so many places that I want and I don't have to wait for you guys to make some picks. Yeah.

And so it should be really fun. I'm saying, like, I started thinking about this and I was more macro, and then the list became a little more micro, and I was like, oh, there's some places you can go with this. Yeah, for sure. So that's what we got going on. Let's get it started.

Would you rather? Olivia from Patreon said, would you rather have to live in a world where everything has to be a competition Okay So like life right now I was going to say Is that already what we're doing?

Yeah Or a world where everything is a cooperative effort Oh That's nice That was a twist I didn't see coming I thought it was like It's friendship Let me ask you a question

And I know we're all very competitive It's one of our many great qualities. But does a lifetime of cooperative efforts become boring? Yeah. Because that's where I went right away. I thought maybe so much cooperation would eventually become, in and of itself, mundane and boring. But productive. But it would be good. It would be productive and it would be friendly and happy and i mean i would obviously be the best at it now here's what's funny is you like cooperated way better than you yeah is there an argument to be

made that competition could be more productive than cooperation because in cooperating, everybody's doing kind of the same thing. And there isn't really necessarily the individual motivation. It's almost like a capitalism argument of like, hey, if innovation doesn't come out of, you know, the socialist cooperation. Right. So, you know, is this is this a situation where because we're so competitive and everyone is competitive that everyone in all walks of life are trying to do better and not just skate by? There'll be winners and losers in a competition world. Yeah, so the hard part is I can see that argument, but then there is a level of toxicity that comes with competition. It's a loser's thing.

No, I'm saying as someone who is competitive. Well, I should. No, I'll switch this over to Jason Moore. Okay. Legendary in his competitive nature, but also living by any means necessary, which doesn't mean I'm better than you. But it means I win. It means that you are worse than me and you being worse, maybe I have something to do

with it. Maybe the leg of your chair got a little bit sore. Oh, man. How did that happen? Oh, no. So I'm standing you're not the second world is a better world yes definitely because if it's a cooperative effort no one loses so maybe by maybe some arbiter outside of it all can look at it and say well

you're not as innovative you don't have as many things but in the world of cooperation everyone is happy now how it's innovative. What is the difference between a cooperative world and the world we have now? Not being hyperbolic like, oh, well, no one gets along. We run a business, right? And we all, we're cooperative. We are cooperative. We're running in the same direction. I feel like a lot of organizations and businesses and even families are. I mean, I think there's a lot of cooperation. It doesn't have to be an individual. It can be a group. But so what do you think the difference is between what life actually is and what this question from Olivia is saying,

like where everything is a cooperative effort? What is that gap? What does that look like? I think we live in a world that has both all the time. And so because of that, some things that should be cooperative become competitive. things that should be competitive become cooperative and so it is so so really this this question is would you rather live in a world without competition or in a world without cooperation you know what i'm saying uh just uh just i know it came if you're saying everything

has to be a competition then that would imply that they're not a cooperative. But that implies that they are opposites to one another, in which case I don't know if they always are. Competition doesn't have to be entire. Basketball games, you play with your team. There's a competition there, but you're also cooperating. Yeah, but in this world, a competitive world, in this hypothetical situation, everyone on your team is trying to score. Yeah, they want the box sheet.

Second one. That's my rebound. They're boxing out their own teammates. Yeah. Okay, hyper-competitive world. I'm just blocking Mike when he shoots on my team. Nope. That's my bucket.

That's fair. That's fair. All right. I'm going to go with the second one then. I'll take the cooperative world. Yeah, let's hold hands. I'm with you. I took it before you guys. My hand grip strength was fantastic.

No, you gripped it harder. Bergeron from the website. Would you rather have to re-download every app anytime you want to use it or have to go to the gas station every time you need to go to the bathroom? Why are all of our questions now like, hey, would you rather do this, or you got to take a dump in a pit of spikes?

Why is it always where I'm going to the bathroom? Well, that's a big part of who we are. Every would you rather question is a different way to go to the bathroom? I'm saying it's like a pit of spikes. Would you rather poop out a second-story window or have $1,000 every day? You're like, what? So would you rather have to re-download every app

every time you want to use it? This is, I have lived this life. It's called TikTok. Okay, because I delete TikTok from my phone. I have deleted it so many times. I've certainly had a week where it was every day where's like nope nope i'm done i'm getting sucked in i am deleting this but then the next time i go you know to the bathroom out the window i'm like i'm sitting here with my butt out the window i need i need to get tiktok TikTok redownload. My first question here is, so I got to redownload every app. Am I on LTE?

Am I on? You're on real 5G, like the 5G that works. I was going to say, or am I on? You're living in the real world where you sometimes have one, you sometimes have the other. The real world is we live in a 5G ultra wide band that says you have the fastest speeds, except what they mean is your phone doesn't work. It's ultra-weak band.

Yes. You live in the world. There's just some cross-promo problems. It's weak. Sometimes. So that's a factor. That is a factor, but the biggest problem for me. The world would be such a better place.

Right. If the apps deleted themselves after you're done. You would use your phone a lot less. And the reason I would use my phone a lot less is not necessarily signal strength, because I think most places that I'm at in the world where I'm on my phone, I'm on Wi-Fi. So, internet is, you know... Not if you're in this gas station taking a dump. Well, it's one or the other.

I'm not going to be in that gas station if I got the phone problem. My issue is logging in. I don't want to log into when you delete an app and you and you redownload it you have to you don't like logging in i just i i don't remember every password of every app that i've used you know every single time to forget password uh-huh the whole song and dance and then when you go to your email to check the password well that's you got to download that so now it's a whole thing now by the time you get in that email that you finally accessed it's expired oh my gosh every time you close them you can't go back and forth can i quick detour by the way because you talked about you got

you're on wi-fi a lot of the times now you go to other places maybe it's a coffee shop wherever it is and sometimes you have dead zones and so you're trying to connect to a wi-fi network that's that you can find on your phone does anybody ever have a problem if if a place has a guest network that requires a password is there like do i have a personal issue with it yeah i mean like to me if you put the word guest in your Wi-Fi network's name and I click it, I should be able to get onto it. Yeah, but they don't want all those Wi-Fi freeloaders. I think when you see. Clocking their network.

But then you don't know the password. When you click on it, it's a real letdown. If I see the word guest and it's locked. Yeah. Then I start looking around for the password. Because it's probably displayed somewhere in that that building on the table or something but it is funny of like they're they're so protective of their internet access like no you need to come in and you need to you need there's customers only you better spend two dollars here or you don't get our internet

that costs us nothing more when you join it exactly it's not a problem for anybody it's it is very strange why certain businesses go with that model now the the other option here other than the very difficult and very problematic download every app every time you want to use it well the downloading in the gas station is a problem too yeah i mean the gas station situation i don't look you make me go number one in a gas station all the time. You can hold your breath. Yeah, but number two is a huge problem. Like, you are actively getting yourself ill.

Am I the only one who does that when you're like... I've done it. You know you're going in. It's going to be rough. Yeah. Before you go... Yeah. No, I've done that 100%, especially if it's just a pee,

which it's always just a pee because I would never go in for a poop. Yeah, no, I've certainly been there. But the problem is when you run out of air because then you feel like you're breathing it deep down into your lungs. You know, you're like, I can make it, I can make it, I can't. And then it's like, let me take it all in. So it's a gamble. It is a gamble that when you lose, you're ruining some lungs

because you know the recesses of your lungs now have someone else's urine. It's poop lung. Now, here's the problem. I was always told that if you breathe in through your nose... The brown lung. Oh, the brown lung. That's rough. When you breathe in through your nose,

you filter. When you breathe in through your mouth, you don't. But your nose, you filter. When you breathe in through your mouth, you don't. But your nose is what smells. So when you make the choice, I'm making the choice to smell the poo to filter better than doing the mouth breathing. But does it filter the nose hairs? It's the whole process. Or is it like the... You definitely filter better with your nose.

But why? Because of the cilia. What is that? I thought that was a disease where you couldn't have- It's celiacs. I think it's cilia or something like that. Is that mucus related? Nasal filtration system.

Your nose- Yeah, hair and cilia. He's he's right okay but what is cilia hair and cilia tiny hair like structures your hair and your hair kind of things they are but we're all we're on a never ending quest why do you think you make boogers mike boogers are the because of the mucus and the stuff that gets caught by the the filtration but i'm saying we're on, as humans, we're on a never-ending quest to get rid of that filtration system. Right. Because nose hairs are the worst. We're talking about the deep, the deep, Celia, hairs. No, but I mean, I've heard that it's much healthier.

Like, if you sleep at night and you mouth breathe, it's very bad for you. I've heard. And part of that is you're not getting the elitist nose breathers yeah my big nose yeah we are uh we're enjoying ourselves over here but must be a good life but i've made the choice actively to breathe through the nose and suffer the smell the smell consequences but you get you got to go real slow oh yeah the slower you breathe in through the nose, you don't get as... You're not moving past my cilia.

You're coming right... I caught all of you. Yes, thank you. Look, in this situation, you've got to take the app. Yeah, because it'll be better for me. It will be better for all of us. Now, the one issue that I didn't think about at first is the multitasking. Essentially, I don't know how big a stickler this question is.

Extremely. So that means if I'm using an app and I go back to the app I was using a minute ago, it's gone. As soon as you leave, you can't multitask you cannot multitask yeah that's fair that's awful and obviously you keep the main apps like your right your text messaging and stuff so that's the only app i will use i'll still take that though i'm not i would i would pay only other it would be a problem i gotta download vinmo again the only other way i could survive if every bathroom had to be in like a gas station restroom which means all of my number twos i would have to build a battery powered system where i

could carry in my bidet every time i'm going into to circle k i open the door i've got a bidet in one hand a big battery backup in the other don't't mind me. Just got to take a dump. The good news is your seat will be warm. Yes. Yeah. You technically- Without the bidet. You could multitask with multiple phones. Ooh.

How many phones? You could look like one of those guys. Hold on. At least two stuck together so you could flip back and forth between the two. New question. Okay. Okay. You can only have, other than the standard of the phone, new question okay okay you can only have other than other than the

standard of the phone the text message you can only have one app on a phone a phone can only have one app and you download it once you can't delete it and get a different one you can only choose one extra app on your phone period that's all you get how many phones do you carry how many apps do you absolutely one phone for email for sure so i need my email app okay um is the photos app just part of it yeah that's that's built in yeah i mean for us it would be one for slack you'd have to have slack yeah so there's two phones so do you have any social media are you carrying a third i think i have a third for twitter yeah i have a twitter so I have a tri-phone. I can email off my computer when I get home.

That's probably healthy. Or use the default email app, which usually- Oh, but I get that one? Yeah, but it's on the phone. Oh, yeah, two phones. Two phones. So you would go Slack and a social media? I think so.

I think that's the right one. I'm just curious if I have to have a Sudoku phone. I don't know. I might need a Sudoku phone. You're still a heavy user? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Mike from the website,

would you rather always have to park in the farthest parking spot anytime you go to the store, no drop-offs, or never be able to use a drive-thru again? Well, I'm walking. It's an easy one for old me. Do you ever, have you ever made the decision to park further to enjoy the walk? To enjoy the walk? Did you hear the joke?

No. Of course not. Not a nice day you've never parked further to enjoy the walk? No. Have you ever enjoyed walking? No. I've enjoyed the weather outside, and I would love to sit down and enjoy it. So if you lived on the boardwalk like in California, you wouldn't go for a stroll?

I would put a beach chair on that sand, and I would love the wind and the salty air coming in. I've got to get you into walking, distance walking. Jason would be nine-botting down the Broadway. Yeah, exactly. Give me a nice scooter or at least some wheelies. I mean, if I had wheelies, I would eat it. You and Heelys would be sensational. It would be seriously good content.

That would be a social media winner. I don't know how many times I would fall trying to use Healy's, but it would definitely be more than zero. All right, Mike, would you take the drive-thru or the furthest parking spot? I don't mind the far parking spots. Like, I'll have... We may have talked about this before, but who cares? But when it comes to searching for a parking spot.

Yeah, are you a hunter or are you a find whatever? No, I'm a gatherer. When it comes to the parking spot, if I see one, that's it. That's about how I do it. That's all I need. I don't need to. The amount of time you waste. It's called hunt regret.

Going up and down the aisles looking for a spot. You could already be. Ohason jason is a hunter it's so i'm both i am both i i'm both but here's here's what happens if i make the choice to pass it up and hunt then i'm pot committed okay so just once the hunt starts you don't you're like i already passed i already made the choice i'm a hunter so i'm circling back again and again and again as soon as you pat like your camo hat goes on yeah you get your orange putting the eye paint do you do the uh you do the claim do you claim with a signal or whatever so i do what do we what just the turn signal yeah like waiting for a family a family's going to their car they get to their What, just the turn signal? Yeah. Like waiting for a family.

A family's going to their car. They get to their car. I put the turn signal on and I will wait. How long will you wait if you got someone behind you? Not very long. I stress out. I feel so guilty. I don't do the thing where I'm like.

I'm staying here no matter what. Clicker, go around me. Right. No, I'm not a big confrontation guy so i i just always feel like yeah all right you can take it i'm out of here i did hear that uh recently they've passed some legislation because there used to be rules in cities where if you built retail and things of that nature there always had to be a certain amount of parking spots considered in the city planning, right? You have to have enough parking lots and parking spots for what's going to be there.

In some cities, I would imagine. You can't do that in LA and New York. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, within whatever city rules, that's always been a part of it. But now they're starting to pass laws to eliminate that. But now they're starting to pass laws to eliminate that. Because parking lots contribute a lot to the heat in the cities and the pollution and the warmth of the city. So they started removing that.

So I'm just wondering, the practicality of they eliminate parking lots. What are you supposed to do? Public transport. Oh, it is to move public transport forward. Which would certainly help. I mean, Arizona, our public transport work close to non-existent there's a lot of cities that are like uh you know sprawled out yeah that's why i'm saying it doesn't work here because everything is so far away public transport in new york works because everything's within like six blocks or you just get on the subway and stuff yeah a lot of people don't even have a car i feel like here

you'd have to just build like a bunch bunch of huge parking lots in different places, and then people Uber from them to the place that they're going. Like a park-and-go? Yeah. Anyways, I'm going to enjoy the walk in the farthest parking spot. That's fine. And then enjoy the drive-through. Yes, sir.

All right. Go ahead. Drive-through question. All right. Go ahead. Drive-thru question. How many cars in the drive-thru line does it take for you to say, I'm going to go in?

It's a good question. It's usually going to be about six. Okay. I guess I should say. Oh, six is not a lot. So like cars. So there's the speaker. Right. And the cars past the speaker. The overflow coming out. So like cars. So there's the speaker. Right. And the cars pass the speaker.

The overflow coming out. Four. Four. Four? Beyond the speaker? Oh, that's not a lot. Four beyond the speaker and I'm out. Unless it's salad and go.

Then it's like 25 because that's the fastest drive. It scares me. I don't know how they have everything ready when you ask for it custom. They already know you're showing up. Yeah. They got a crystal ball. They got the minority report people in the pool. they're like oh salad i get to the drive-thru window and they hand me the bag they say you're late and i'm like that's scary you're like oh can i also get

this it would be really reasonable drink you're like oh i didn't even order the drink if they had cameras that recognize the cars that were in the line and pull up your most recent order on their screen already i mean that's easy that's easy stuff nowadays he will probably and then make custom suggestions sir last time you got two of these burgers are you not that hungry you just drive up to the board and they show you your order and say you want this yeah move on that would be more convenient give me my regular that you know i have oh man but the shame at some drive-thrus this was your last order don't show that to everyone would you like six pies again that wasn't me that wasn't me but do you want to see the footage i'll hand them out i'll pay

it forward just yeah that's fine i'll hand them out. I'll pay it forward. Yeah, that's fine. I'll put them on my table. There's one situation where I will wait in the line infinitely. When I'm starving. No, because I will normally make fun of people that are in the super long line. Like, what are you doing? That's insane.

There's one situation I will get stuck in, and that is if I've told somebody I'm going to get that place for them and like I'll be like but you won't just go inside and get that place for them not if it looks like it's super packed inside too yeah if I'm if I'm pot committed to a place like I texted my dad the other day I was like you want some raising canes at that point he's giving me his order now I have to get raising canes no matter what the long line is so I'm stuck. There are two places here in the valley. One obviously I don't know how national Raising Cane's is Raising Cane's is one of those places where the drive-thru line is insane and you walk inside

you'll have your food in 30 seconds. Oh will you? I should always go inside? Nobody goes inside so you just get it immediately. The other place is Starbucks in the morning. In the morning, the Starbucks line is- Oh, because they're all staying in the car. No one wants to go in.

50 cars long. If you walk in, you just walk right up to the counter and order. Hot tips. Hot tips. Al, how are you doing? Doing great. Thanks, Greg. Do we want to do one more or move on?

I think Jason's itching to get into Highway to Spud. Good Lord. Now, let's do that then. to get into Highway to Spots. Good Lord. Now, let's do that then. Spitwads, you ever find any subscriptions you forgot about or any you paid for twice and you didn't realize? I know I have.

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Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash ballers. That's rocketmoney.com slash ballers, rocketmoney.com slash ballers. Let's do it highway to spell cat i want you to give me i want you to give me extra credit al because i you did you did it i didn't see that drop that drop up in my top row of drops. Oh, cool. And I found it anyways. This is the part where you throw me under the bus over here? No, no, no.

I just want you to give me credit for not canceling the show. Good job, Andy. Making up for Al's mistake. So we're doing Highway to Spell. Mike is apparently the back-to-back champ. I don't have any recollection of that. Nor do I. I have one at once.

Recollection. R-E. Oh, don't do that. Come on. So wait, the rule is who goes first on these ones? We usually do Andy, Mike, Jason. Okay. All right.

Let's do it. All right. We're going to start at fifth grade. Andy, your fifth grade level word. I've been on a bad streak. Guys, the panic attack is on. Yeah. We're back.

I'm sweating. All right. Here you go. This is where- Necessary. Oh, gosh. Oh, man. That's a fifth grade right. Here you go. Necessary. Oh, gosh. Oh, man. That's a fifth grade word?

I got it. That's what they say. I have to go with the first thing I write down. N-E-C-E-S-S-A-R-Y. Necessary. Oh, baby. I had it. And that was easy.

You had it quick. You had it quick. I totally had it, guys. Don't even worry about it. You went two C's, didn't you? I went two C's. It was necessary for me to go with my first gut instinct i hate when i know one of your guys yeah because you know you might not know your own yeah was there also one s no okay there's two s's all right yeah yeah i mean i yeah defending champ definitely had it. Yeah. All right, Defending Champ Mike, here is your fifth grade level word.

Daughter. Okay. This is a silly one, but daughter. D-A-U-G-H-T-E-R. Why? Why? Why is it spelled like that? I don't know, but it's...

Okay, give me another easy one. Douck. Douck. Douck. I think you're going to be all right, Jason. Here's your fifth grade level word. Crystal. Ooh.

Okay. I think I got this. Don't underthink it. I am going to underthink it. I'm going fast. C-R-Y-S-T-A-L. All right. We did it.

We are fifth graders. Let's graduate. Crystal. All right. We have graduated onto the sixth grade. Andy, here is your sixth grade level word. Contagious. Uh-oh.

Oh, man. I'm feeling good today. C-O-N-T-A-G-I-O-U-S. Contagious. All right. Okay. We're rocking it. Did we start younger?

Is that what we did today? We did. He's just telling us that we usually start in seventh. Okay. We're rocking. Did we start younger? Is that what we did today? We did. He's just telling us that we usually start in seventh. Yeah. That's what it feels like. It feels like these are. He doesn't want us to cancel the segment. Yeah.

So, Mike. We're not starting with free throws here. We're starting with some layups. Yeah. All right, Mike. Here is your sixth grade level word. Requirement. Okay.

Look. I think we're on there. I'm good on'm good on no way mike misses this one r-e-q-u-i-r-e-m-e-n-t you met you met the requirement mike can we take a second to have the spitwads recognize how brilliant we are? This is the time. This is the time. Right before this one. Okay. Now that time is over.

What is my word? All right. Your sixth grade level word. Surround. Oh, okay. Oh, wait. Uh-oh. I think you're good, right?

Okay, I got it. Oh, man. You're good. You're good, buddy. Okay, I got it. Oh, man. You're good. You're good, buddy. Okay. It looks... It feels wrong when I write it. Oh, man.

Okie dokie. Surround. That should be an easy one. Yeah. I thought this was going to be so simple. Okay. S-U-R-R-O-U-N-D. Yeah.

It felt so wrong when I wrote R-R-O-U. So did we beat the game? Yeah, we won. You have gotten to seventh grade. Where do we normally start? Junior high. Go on. All right, Andy, your seventh grade level word.

Innocence. Innocence? Oh, man. I-N-N-O-C-E-N-C-E. Innocence. Oh, God. I would have been out. Good delay.

I went S-E. You did? Okay. You went S-E? At the end. Like since? Like six since? Yeah.

Sixth innocence. Yes. Yep. Whoops. All right. All right. Mike? I mean, I went C-E.

Time for junior high. All right, Mike. Mike, your seventh grade level words. Make it stop. Havoc. Havoc? Oh, that's easy. H-A-V-O-C?

Okay, no. Oh, I would have missed. An extra V or what? No, I put a K on the end of that thing. H-A-V-O-C-K. Like a hammock? Yeah. Didn't you say

That's so easy It was so easy And honestly When you stopped it See I was waiting for I couldn't believe You stopped it See what an idiot

And when that bell Happened to tell you You were right I fell So you would have been wrong On both 7th grade words Yeah but not this one Al

Let me have it I think you'll be alright Here's your 7th grade words. Yeah, but not this one. Al, let me have it. I think you'll be all right. Here's your 7th grade level word. Commotion. What? I don't want to do it. Oh, there's no way. Holy crap.

This is impossible. Commotion? Commotion. Commotion. Okay. All right. Let's move in on the commode commotion

alright that's why our questions all have the bathroom c-o-m-m-o t-i-o-n yeah we are one grade from high school one more round

you guys are crushing it. That's nine straight, by the way. I predict somebody's going to be out here in eighth grade. Andy, we're going to start with you. Here's your eighth grade level word. Chandelier. Come on, man. Oh, man.

What I wrote down cannot be right. It is impossible. I just have to go with, I'm going to stick with the same process. The first thing I write down. C-H-A-N-D-E-L-I-E-R. Oh, my gosh. It's an E? It's not Shando?

No, it ain't no Shando Lear. Shando Lorian. I wrote the whole thing right, but then I added an E at the end. Yeah? Chandelier-y. So I got to stop one letter earlier, and I would be doing real good. Just stop tacking it on. Don't put a K at the end.

I can't believe I got it. I'm thrilled. We're sure it's not an O? Miriam Webster says it's not an O. All right, Mike, here is your eighth grade level word. Catastrophe. Catastrophe. Catastrophe. If Jason gets this one right, I will be so impressed.

Oh, I got this one right. Let me see. Catastrophe. C-A-T-A-S-T-R-O-P-H-E. Oh, we're on. Catastrophe. And Jason got it. Yeah, we're one away from high school-E. Oh, we're on. Catastrophe. And Jason got it. Yeah, we're one away from high school.

Oh, together. All three of us graduating middle school. I do think you guys are going to get there. Jason, here's your eighth grade level word. Amnesty. Wait, was that embassy or amnesty? Amnesty. You got this.

That's an easy one. Why does he get all the easy words? Don't forget the Q. Hip-hop. Hip-hop anonymous. this. That's an easy one. Why does he get all the easy words? Don't forget the Q. Hip hop anonymous? Amnesty. A-M-N-E-S-T-Y. Okay. That was an easy one. At this point, if we flame out, we've done enough, right?

That's 12 straight successful. We're like a boring podcast now, how good we are. I don't know that we've ever gotten to high school together. I don't believe you have. No. Andy, here is your ninth grade level word. Gruesome. Oh. Well, this is the first one I'm having to write twice to make sure.

Gruesome. G-R-U-E-S-O-M-E. Wow. That E snuck out of nowhere. That middle E. That came out of the bushes. What did you go with? Same as you.

You were both wrong. T-R-U-S-O-M-E. Okay. We're getting the right words for our individual takes here. He's changing the grade levels for each person. All right. Mike, here's your ninth grade level words. It's freshman year, man.

Let's do it. Ambiguous. Hmm. Ambiguous. Mike, here's your ninth grade level words. It's freshman year, man. Let's do it. Ambiguous. Hmm. Ambiguous. Oh, no. Oh, no. The ending's a good time. Ambig.

I think you'll get there. I think I've got there. Yeah, I think you did. There's no way. There's a bunch of letters in it. I know that. It's a good time to remind you that you are defending your back to back champion

oh no wait I have I have two very different options okay that's alright one looks maybe correct okay whatever ambiguous ambiguous

that is the word uh a m b i g this is weird it's fun i o u s no no jason has it right from what i can tell is that u o u s you know it's u o and big u i guess that makes Jason. Mine's ambiguous. You want to go to sophomore year with me, Jason? I do, but let's find out if the teachers will allow it. Yeah, TBD. Here is your ninth grade level word. Insufficient. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. And so. Will your previous schooling be insufficient? I think you got this one. And so will your previous schooling be insufficient? I think you got this one. I think we're moving on. Honestly, I started putting a sneaky letter in there. Oh, I, uh, I, I, I had one of these thought processes had a pH. I don't think that's right.

You got a pH. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not anymore. All right. You got a pH in there? Nope, nope, nope, not anymore. All right. Insufficient. Phosphorus?

He's not sure. Okay. Insufficient. I-N-S-O. Wait. Wait. Is it you? I knew as soon as you said insufficient when you were sounding it out. Wait a Wait. Is it you? I knew as soon as you said insufficient when you were sounding it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're telling me insufficient does not start with an I? No. It doesn't have an O. Oh. You thought it was. I didn't know.

I thought he said it was Ian. You thought it was insufficient? No. So he thought it was insufficient no so he thought it was in so efficient right so i i'm so efficient i spelled it i i'm so efficient right now well it's in it's insufficient why you hit that button quick it's i knew it okay i would uh i n s o i'm curious the rest f i c i e n t there's two f's but other than that oh my gosh you have literal tears rolling down your face yes you do considering you work from a place with a ph you got pretty close thank you all right andy you

want to keep going see how far you can get? Sure, sure. I'll give them quick. Here's your 10th grade level word. Anachronism. All right. What? What does that even mean? Anachronism is when something is out of... Oh, it's spider related.

No, it's... An error in chronology. Yeah, it's out of order. A-N-A-C-R-O-N-I-S-M. Okay. You had it perfect, except it's C-N-I-S-M. Okay. You had it perfect, except it's C-H. No, that makes sense, which is what I wrote the first time. Oh, should have gone with that.

Dang it. Well, I won. Congratulations. We have a new champ. And we have a new draft. The Spitballers Draft. We are drafting the best places to have calories not count at all. And the older I get, the more this dream seems like it would be amazing. Because there are consequences to indulging in this life.

And there are places that I either want to indulge and do anyways and pay the price. And there's some places that are just perfect for it. Yeah. And so there's a ton of picks I really want. And so I'll be sad because you guys are going to take a bunch of them. Yeah, there's a couple places on my list where I know when I go there, I get something more responsible. And I don't want to do that.

So I would like to draft it. And so there's a lot of qualifiers. Mike was saying before the draft, he didn't know how this one was going to go. But I'm going to go with the place that I think is the most frequently where I would want this superpower. It's very simple. It would be an everyday thing, and it is the couch. The couch.

And if you told me that I could have any of the other places or just a two-hour window of this place, I'd still choose the couch as my number one pick. If you told me 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. every night. Snack central. I could turn on the TV and not stop eating for two consecutive hours on the couch. Actually, I enjoy that so much. So the couch is my number one pick.

There are a number of really good picks. I am curious where you guys are going to go. Like that was, as I was going through the list, the couch is the last thing I put on my list because I was starting to realize, oh, maybe we just mean like a very specific place. Yeah, that's more how I went. Yeah. So the couch how I went. Yeah. So the couch.

And I guess that would be good for all the football. I mean, I would. Now, if I'm standing behind the couch, those calories count. Yeah. Can we say the ground? Like to lay on the ground. No, just if my feet are on the ground, my calories don't count. No, that's a little too broad, Mike.

I'm going to take the place that was designed for indulgence, and I'll just kick it off. I will take the buffet. Yes. It was on my list. It was on my list. They have everything you want. And often, I don't do buffets anymore.

Number one, because there's the consequences of being just an old man eating too much at a buffet. But I don't get my money's worth anymore. Right. That is a big part of it because you will feel sad that you didn't eat enough. Yeah. They're like, okay, well, you can get the buffet. That's $35.

Yep. Like, well, now I have to force myself to eat $35 worth. And that will include feeling really, really crappy for sure afterwards. To get my money's worth. Yeah, so I don't even go anymore. But if my calories didn't count. The buffet is a great pick.

The buffet is a terrible pick because, terrible for me, because you took two of my options away. I had Golden Corral, and I had a Chinese food buffet. So you just went like buffet. You got all of them. All of Jason's 11 options were different buffets that he frequented. I got the lobster buffet. That's a good pick.

I think you're right about the money's worth thing, too. I'm going to start at a place, you know, Andy, when you said. The kids buffet. They're just stealing your money. Yeah. Because the kids. Kids don't have the room for it. Well, the kids, when you order off of the menu,

the kid's not even going to finish what they're going to eat. You're paying $29.99 of the $35 for the dessert part of the buffet. To be fair to the restaurant, the kids don't eat enough, but they do take enough. You know what I mean? Like, the restaurant's still getting rid of all that food, even if they don't eat it. You get two picks, Jason.

I'm jealous. I get two picks. I know exactly where I'm going here, because Andy, you said this would be like an everyday thing, and so I assumed you were taking McDonald's. So you've got to be in the McDonald's, but you can go to town. Sure. I'll eat it in the drive-thru. You got to wait.

I can't leave. But yes, I'm going to say they'll that in the mcdonald's absolutely because anywhere in the world and you went mcdonald's to to go calorie free and to have no repercussions to be able to eat a big mac and another big powder and chicken nuggets and french fries galore he's us the menu to mcdonald's adam mcflurry absolutely you didn't even say the mcrib well it's not always there mike but that's i mean that's assumed if it's there that's when my power's really kicking the gear right mcrib season i wonder if i could buy a reserved table like at my local mcdonald's if i've got this superpower i can talk to the manager

or if you had this superpower would you be a franchisee of McDonald's? Yeah, and I would put one in my home. Brooks has a good point. They are the most easily available fast food place. So when you're traveling, you will be able to. I believe the, I think Subway took over. You got to say that, Al. What?

I just said, do you really have trouble finding a seat at McDonald'sdonald's that you need like this reserved table that's fair that's fair it's always so packed in here all right um the other one and this is probably the most important because of who we are and i mean we as in us do you mean like are you talking like the united states the football the spitballers the footballers it's the studio it's right here we do lunch every day we order lunch every day interesting we have switched some of us to to specifically eating these delivered tiny meals that are lower calorie. We had. We're not funding this. We had. We don't need it funded.

There was a time where, what, 500 packages of delicious candy showed up for us from. That's true. I mean. Shout out to Sweet Tart Robes. Shout out to Sweet Tart sweet tart ropes and if you're out there again we did it we're out we completed the task we ate them all they sent us an unimaginable amount of sweet tart ropes we took it down imagine a like a conference table at an office five layers deep yeah across the whole table and we did it we finished it and they were

all as good as the first one today did you bring anything to the studio i brought some cookies in you brought some cookies oh it's so nice it's sweet so what about a big is there a big bag of uh tootsie roll this is like work this is me your job here. I'm going to be able to eat all of the things that everyone just so lovingly brings in, even though it ships us and ships us and donates. I just like the idea that Jason is going to be like he'll be at home at like nine at night. He wants a snack and he's got to run to the office because I I am fine. This is like how you said, if I get a two hourhour window, eight to ten, all I need is lunchtime. Just lunchtime at the office.

That would change everything. I will devour snickerdoodle cookies. You have no idea how many snoodle doodles are going down in this gullet. I don't care where we order from. We're also ordering

from Noodles & Company. I love it. Get those snoodles. Shout out. But yeah, send us more ropes. I was concerned this one wasn't going to come back i knew that buffet would not make it no past uh my good friend over here you enjoy your mcdonald's

i'll enjoy all of them because my car is where my calories do not count the car is a wonderful pick oh shoot i eat so much in my car is one of the greatest places to eat, period. You can get where you're going and you're eating? The car is a great pick. My car is, and this is unfortunate. This is something I hope to change. My car is a graveyard of rappers. The car is a shame box for me.

I mean, when my wife has not driven in my vehicle for two weeks and then she gets in, it usually goes something like, Jason, you should be ashamed. And that's really only because I didn't know she was driving this time or I would have thrown it all away. It's a real problem for me. Dag gum it. It's like a confessional.

I will trade you all four of my picks for the car. The car is an outstanding pick. The clear 101. Now, you have an internal camera, right? I mean, so somebody's watching you. Yeah, yeah. That's great. All right, my next two

picks this one of them comes down to the enjoyment level of when i eat lots of food at this place and it's the movies i'm gonna take the movie theater it's it would have been my next pick uh i can't i legitimately cannot go to the movies and not eat while i'm watching a movie it just it's not fun it's what am i doing here watching a show while i'm watching a movie. It's part of the experience. It's not fun. What am I doing here? Watching a show while I'm sitting in a chair? Boo. Boo. Honestly, turn the movie off.

Just give me the food. Can I go to a restaurant? Eat at a different place. But it's a restaurant where everyone's looking the same direction. I'm going to movies. It's a good one. And then my next pick is another place that I – it gives purpose to attending these places.

People want to go for other reasons. I don't. I want to go for the food. I want to go for the food. And I'm going to say, and you guys can tell me if it has to be one pick or two, but I was going to say theme parks slash the fair. Because if I'm eating.

You call it amusement parks. Amusement parks. Amusement parks. Because. Yeah, the fair because if i'm eating you call it amusement parks amusement parks amusement parks because yeah the fair is fried foods uh there's a great great pick at some point i hit the age where the reason i go to these places is to eat while my kids enjoy it and i am always scoping for the next meal at these the next stand the next churro, the next Indian fried bread, whatever the case may be. No, you are 100%. That wasn't even on my list, and that's a huge overstatement. The fare is legendary for just the garbagey garbage food that you can eat. That's right.

We managed to fit 3,000 calories into the size of a quarter. I love it. You're like, yeah, I'll take five. Yeah, I'll wait in line for it. Oh, man, that's a tremendous pick. The car's still a legendary pick. Yeah, I mean, all right. It's done.

And so it's funny that Mike's going out and taking his family dinner out into the car. They're all around the table. He's like, I'll be right back. Give me that plate. This is a place uh that people like much like your amusement park they're going for a different reason you you go to this location to watch watch something happen but i mean come on like there's specific games where you don't even the game sucks it's all about just getting the food so i'm gonna say the stadium

yep uh yeah give me the give me the uh. Give me the cinnamon, almond, or whatever. The nuts? The hot toasted nuts. Give me the... I mean, give me them. Just everything. The hot dogs. Hot dogs.

Ice cream. When I was going to pick one, I was specifically going to pick a baseball game just because it's longer, so there'll be more food to be eaten, but the stadium's the right pick. It's another thing that adds to the experience. You want to grab a hamburger, hot dog, soft drinks. Oh, my gosh, the amount of soft drinks you'll go through at a stadium. And they keep coming up with these new things. That's how baseball has to get people to attend now.

The eight-foot hot dog. They're like, checked it. We've covered it in mayonnaise. That's right. You're like, oh, okay. All right. Great pick. All right.

I got two picks coming up here. The first is very easy for me, and that is the bed. Yeah. You eat in your bed? Absolutely. The bed is my couch. You eat in your bed? Absolutely.

The bed is my couch. We have the bed that raises up and becomes a sitting. So we watch a lot of our TV. You sound like you might be stuck there. No, but it's like we watch a lot of TV. Where you watch TV on the couch, we watch TV and the bed turns into a seating position, but I can get breakfast in bed. Because you're 75 years old. Yeah, baby. So that one's easy.

It's an inclining bed. Oh, the inclining bed is clutch. It's got one of those bars that you can pull yourself up on. It raises all the ways to stand me up. The bed is fantastic. The only problem there is crumbs. So do you eat in the bed a the bed is fantastic the only problem there is you know crumbs i said yeah you do eat in the bed a lot yeah and do you have like a little side uh dust buster for the little snacks

in bed um all right so you went with the bed yeah that's a good i would never have picked it because i you don't need my couch is my couch yeah your couch is your couch my Yeah, your couch is your couch. My bed is your couch. All right, so the last one here, I'm a little jealous of what Mike did, which is get variety with the car. I do love variety. So I'm going to go with food courts because that means I get a lot of different places. And it means that I can do what I always want to do that I don't ever do. Well, that's a lie. That's a lie.

That's a bold thing. I can do what I want to do, which I don't always do. Without as much shame. Which I don't always do, which is hit up several different places. You know, I want ice cream from the Dairy Queen slash Orange Julius. You got to get that Orange Julius, man. Yeah, baby. But it's like, well, I'm not not gonna get my meal there i want my meal

somewhere else but then you know gotta throw some orange chicken on the yeah on the tray so i'm gonna go around all the places food courts is a good pick delightful food courts when you have a family of five are the worst invention in the entire world because i know i'm waiting in four lines minimum. Minimum. Because you can't – when you go to the one place, you don't have a choice. But when they see that this is their favorite restaurant, like, no, this is – I'm locked in.

You better go get that. It is the absolute worst, and it takes an hour just to eat. So shame on you food court people. And my last pick. Big food court. Yeah. My last pick. They have food as well, but those liquid calories

they add up. Let's say the bar. You're taking the bar. I'm taking the bar. So smart. I mean they have to add. Do calories they come into play at the old bar? Oh, for sure. Oh, remember your, yeah, you'd always go like a vodka soda versus a vodka tonic?

Yeah, with keto, but I'm saying like they advertise, you know, like, oh, Miller Lite, it only has one more calorie and it's more, you're like, what if I didn't ever have to worry about my calories? Then you could get a real beer. Yes. All right. That's a great pick. Let's wrap it up

with the cheapest pick I've ever made. Because I've never done it. But I know it's heralded for the food and I know that Jeremy could use this pick. It was at the top of my list. I can't believe Jason didn't take it. On a cruise ship!

Ah! What? I'm so glad that got picked. As soon as you made this last pick, I was going to be on you guys for not picking that. It's the first thing on my list, but I've never been, so I didn't want to take it from you. It felt like a great fourth cheap pick. Oh my goodness!

The cruise ship. The car and the cruise ship. Mike's in the car, I'm in the cruise ship. I've never been more disappointed in jason well no so let me let me tell you why this happened let me tell you why this happened this happened because i saw the draft double arches is why this happened because i saw the draft completely wrong let me read you my list coming in mcdonald's golden corral raising canes chipotle dunkin donuts dominoes i thought it was like places that we get free calories. So I'm on the fly here trying to think of like, oh, we're going more geographical, less restaurants to get free calories.

Because I, man, am I upset with my, the car and the cruise, that's my one and my two. And I could have had it at one and two. Well, Jason did you do get unlimited calories at mcdonald's at work that should not be underrated that's a good one in bed the new couch at a food and at food courts mike will be eating a plenty at the buffets in his car at all stadiums and uh the bar, which is great. That was a nice final pick. I will be on my couch.

I will be at the movies. I will be at amusement parks, and I will be on a cruise ship for the first time eating. I'm still worried I'll throw it all up on a cruise ship. Yes. But can they eventually make cruise ships large enough to where you wouldn't know that you're on the water? You don't know until you throw up. It's just subtle just subtle owl tells us he doesn't know until he gets off the

boat yeah that's usually how it is i've been on a cruise ship where you knew because it was like choppy weather but other than that most of the time you cannot tell that you're on the water you're unless i mean you can look and see but you know you don't feel like it right well there you go until you sink were there any uh i i was pretty much out of ideas my last one was going to be like uh holiday tables you know the thanksgiving table christmas table i didn't know how to wrap them all together i had uh let's see birthday parties uh the pantry oh man oh the shame pantry yes sir i mean who amongst us hasn't done the what am i going to eat? Well, you know what?

I'm just going to open this bag of chips, and I'll eat these chips in here while I figure out what I'm going to eat. Who amongst us hasn't gone in and just shut the door behind them? Locked it from the inside. I'll hide in here for a minute. Turn the lights off. No one's in here. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Jason, why are there night vision goggles in the pantry?

Any other picks that you guys had, or Al? No, my 101 and 102 were Disneyland and a cruise ship. Yeah, there you go. So you guys got both of those. Well, I did. Yeah, thank you. You can come hang out with me. Let's go.

Your calorie stuff sounds like a good time, man. All right. Any other picks for you guys jason's just got a list of restaurants you want to know more restaurants that are delicious i'll tell you what did we learn today i learned that when we really put our heads together we can get into high school level education yeah i was pretty proud of us. I learned that insufficient does indeed start with an I. Out of curiosity. For a moment, I was convinced it started with an E.

How would you spell sufficient? Would that have been different than the insufficient? I only had one F. No, you had an O. You went insufficient. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't even know where I went wrong. I just learned where I went wrong. I was just making sure you didn't spell

sufficient. So efficient. And I learned we should all probably cooperate a little bit more. Okay. Maybe. And be the best. Yeah, I'll be the best at it. I'm going to cooperate so hard. Thank you for tuning in to the Spitballers podcast. Thank you for following the show on Apple Podcasts,

Spotify, wherever you're listening, and we will catch you next time. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out