Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: The Burden Of Molting & 90’s Nostalgia - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

Spit Hit for March 2nd, 2023: On today’s show we find out exactly how much Jason knows about military ranks. We also talk about shipping ourselves across country, low driving visibility, and optimal mechanisms for human flight. We then have a very special themed ‘Situation Room’. Finally, we close the show down with a draft of some 90’s nostalgia! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hello, beautiful people. Today we have a spit-hit episode of the show, and it's pretty incredible. We talk about normal stuff, like shipping ourselves across the country, low driving visibility and the challenges therein, and optimal mechanisms for human flight, something we are experts in, of course. And we have a very special Situation Room on the show today, and close it down with a 90s nostalgia draft. Don't miss a minute. What happens when three buffoons give life advice,

explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. Woo-hoo! Okay! Yeah! Do you like it, Mike?

Yeah, it was different. You were a wah guitar. Now, Mike, you have a better ear for these things than I do. I don't even know what I hear. It sounded like a slow start to me, like he was a little late and then was trying to catch up. But then I feel like the end was like I wanted more of it. You got to factor in the remote recording, Jason. What we hear is not what the people will hear.

And what we heard is not what Andy heard. I was pretty happy. I'm reserving judgment. This could be a 10. This could be a 1. I won't know for a week until this thing comes out. We're grading on a scale here, right?

Yeah, 1 or 10. It's the Andyy holloway scale oh well yeah that is certainly the range of potential uh scats on my end welcome to the spitballers podcast andy holloway jason moore mike wright back with you thank you so much for listening to this show it makes us very very happy what's uh what's interesting is that there is a bit of a tie-in to my scat styling to our draft later. Well, well, well.

So maybe that'll get it up to that level 10 that you're alluding to. It could, but I'll probably have forgotten your scat by the time we get to the draft. We'll see. You can see if you remember it. We have a great show today. Are you drafting Magnum PI? Okay, I can see if you remember it. We have a great show today. Are you drafting Miami or Magnum PI?

Okay, I can see that, yeah. Maybe it is more a little criminal minds type of thing. Oh, okay, okay, okay. All right, I got it. Ten, ten. Yeah, baby. One, because you were a guitar. You were not a bass.

You were clearly a guitar. Look, here's what happens on those scats. I need to make sure it goes with it. There's got to be an organic factor to it, and I wasn't sure how it would go. I didn't rehearse. Let's go. All right, Situation Room,

would you rather a very special 90s nostalgia draft for later? Spitballers.com, or I'm sorry, spitballerspod.com is the website, and you can support the show, become an official Spitwad listener, supporter, friend, submit your questions. We haven't done this in quite a while, but we have a review on the show today. Review-a-saurus-rex. This one comes in from lt zander five stars he says i first found these three guys two years ago as a fan of the fantasy footballers podcast the offseason came and i needed more i'd heard them mention their spitballers podcast and i thought

that it sounded dumb yeah And I was right. But dumb in all of the right ways. From Jason's in-the-chair injury to Andy's botched draft picks to Mike's completely putting his own family on blast. I feel like I know these guys better than my own friends. I've listened to a few podcasts that I have felt this passionate about this show has changed my life and i like to think i'm a better man because of it well thank you lt zander you are lt lt jason is it possible that that means lieutenant it is possible that that's loot but i feel like the only lieutenant i know is Dan. So Xander doesn't go there.

I think it's probably Lieutenant Tomlinson. All right. Thank you for that review. We appreciate them over on Apple Podcasts. We read them from time to time. And by we, I mean Jason. And we really appreciate it. Let's.

Well, hold on. Now I'm just imagining Jason in the armed forces. And when he refers to anyone by rank, he just, yes, yes, SGT. That's right. That's right. Yes, CPL. Mm-hmm. Just screaming, screaming acronyms.

He's not been in the armed services before, in case you're curious. Time for some Would You Rather. Would you rather? Trying to become that g right you want to be a you gotta be that g when you're in your forces john from patreon would you rather attempt to travel 1000 miles by shipping yourself in a box or as a stowaway in the wheel well of a 747. Oh, come on. Oh, molly. Whoa. You can't survive in the wheel well.

Yes, you can. If you get too cold? You would freeze. Yeah, I think you'd get cold. Yes, there's... I think people have done it, though. It's not climate controlled for the wheels. Well, I realize that, but it's not like a guarantee that I'm going to freeze to death. Oh I'm rocking it in guarantee. I'm I'm smashing that in. Someone give me I will look up look up

the temperature of where airplanes are flying. Yeah. Find that out because I imagine it's it's OK. Here's what we've got from Al Borland. How are you doing today. I'm great. Thanks for asking. Why don't you read. Why don't you read that to us? It says, of the cases identified by the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration, 23 people, about one in four, have survived the journey. Well, well, well. But you've got a chance of death. I'd put you in the 25% with the chance of surviving

knowing how you love the cold. Yeah, Jason's like a bear. Or like a whale. I'd put you in the 25% with the chance of surviving, knowing how you love the cold. Yeah. Jason's like a bear. Or like a whale. You know, it's like that extra blubber really helps protect. Although you probably would attempt the flight in shorts and flip-flops. Like your default clothing. I might get hot. I might get hot down here in the wheel well.

I'll be honest with both of you right now. Truly honest. Had we somehow put this together where I had to do this. Yeah. I probably would have worn because of the wheels and the friction. I would have worn shoes and socks. There's no chance I wear anything but shorts and a t-shirt because my genuine thought is it's going to be so hot in here. I'm going to be burning up.

But now, now I've been educated, and I know that I would need at least like a hoodie, maybe some full pants. Like a cutoff hoodie. No sleeves, though, on the hoodie. You'll be warm in the box that you're being shipped, probably moved from van to plane. I mean, you might end up in a plane for 1,000 miles, right?

1,000 miles, I think you're going to end up in a plane. So you're in a plane in a box. Maybe on a boat. Okay, or on a boat in a box. I think you're still in a box. The point of the question is, is it 1,000 miles for either? Yeah. Uh, how would you like to, how would you, how do you want to be shipped?

I was, I was interpreting this as it's a thousand miles, uh, in a box. And just to my head, I guess that was automatically I go boat. So you're on in for a much longer journey. Or if you're on a seven 47, it's five hours. Boats are not a lot of the domestic shipping they don't really use a lot of the boats i know and we need to look into improving that right can we just want to go up and down the use the river canal systems at the very least can we canal can we expand the mississippi just just cut right through the middle well it would be really nice

if the mississippi went horizontal as well you know a little east west action right because you know you're not able to ship things from left to right in the country on the mississippi yes exactly now uh so wait we don't make a lot of man-made rivers right we got the man-made lakes but not a lot of man-made rivers well not not the size of the continental united states right we pulled that off like if okay let me let me bring this up for a second we've got the global warming rising ocean levels could we just start bringing the ocean through the middle of the old us of a problem solved i mean right water we got rising let's just utilize this to our advantage the

boring company yeah elon's talking about tunnels. That's tunnels. That's old busted, man. We need more boats. We need more boats. Okay, so I don't want to be shipped in a box. That's claustrophobic madness. A thousand miles in a box.

Unpleasant. I mean, I guess I'm guaranteed to live. Yeah, that's the thing. I feel like it's a thousand miles either way one of these would you rather be uncomfortable or have a 75 chance of dying that's how i'm now interpreting several days in a box you have probably some percentage chance of dying well the good the good news in both situations is i'm not going to waste away i have plenty of what we call stored energy um you're gonna have some waste though you're going to need to dispose of.

That's a good point. Now, in the plane, you can just let that fly. I mean. Well, the plane won't take that long, right? If I'm traveling 1,000 miles. You can probably hold it, maybe. Oh, I don't ever poop on a plane, Andy. That's a rule.

That's a hard and fast rule? Hard and fast. Hard and fast. You've never had. Have you ever had to break a rule. That's a hard, fast rule. Hard and fast. You've never had, have you ever had to break a rule? I have never broken it. I never will break it. I've never needed to. Um,

and you never traveled overseas. Have you? I, if I travel overseas, I will never put the rule on the plan. Okay. On the plate. Never.

Not going to happen. I can go. So here's something that's weird. I can go camping. Like I'm very regular, you know, I'm a healthy BM, uh, every day. But if I want to go, is that a, an army rank? That's right. I am a more, um, but if I were to go camping, I can go, it doesn't matter how many days, two days, three days, four days. I'm not, I'm not pooping out there digging a hole like

it just I'm gonna store it up take care of business when I get home my body has been really successful and you'll do that in the box too well the box I think that that might be a thousand miles like let's say this was by truck right semi truck I don't how long does it take to go a thousand miles a while man i don't know i feel like you gotta have something to do in the box well it's gonna be dark you can be alone with your thoughts i mean yeah you could poop that's what you could do in the box is my poop in the box can i upgrade my own shipping speed on the box? Can I pay for next day air or something? All right.

As they're loading you up, looks like someone missed the package speed on this one. I guess inevitably I need to try to survive. Yeah. All right. Dan on the website says, you have gained the ability to fly. Well, that would have been nice.

Which method of flight would you rather have permanently attached to you? Okay. You've got wings when you raise your arms like a wingsuit, right? You got wings. Okay. You've got wings on your back like an angel. So a little John Travolta from what? Michael.

You got the wings coming out. That's a classic. That might come up in the draft today. I was going to go with angel from the X-Men, but, you know, good old-fashioned Michael reference. We got a Michael reference. Angels from Angels in the Outfield. Or a propeller on your head like an idiot. Who's dismissing the propeller so quickly?

I'm not dismissing it. They put it in there like an idiot. That's their commentary on a propeller on your head now yeah it's a permanent propeller on your head but like dan's got a bias here against propellers here's the thing a wingsuit i'm not flying i'm gliding i'm floating but here's the way to think about this jason is you can fly okay how you how do you want to have to look? Your wings are connected to your arms, so you are flapping your arms like a bird.

Or you can use your arms while in flight, but that means you have angel wings on your back. Okay. But you have to walk around now, and you have gigantic wings on your back instead of wings that can kind of be hidden as long as you keep your arms down. I think you're explaining this in a very good way, Mike. Honestly, you're walking me through this, and I get it so much more.

Now, Jason, the propellers are the propeller on your head. Okay. So this is like no hats anymore. But you have vertical takeoff. That's true. In and out real quick. Tight spaces. No problem.

I'm going straight up. Imagine being in an awkward conversation and just... See, that's like the opposite of the turtle shirt. Instead of hiding your face in your shirt, you just... I'm out of here. But couldn't you do that with the angel wings? What's that over there? You could do it with the angel wings, but that would be like real awkward.

Yeah, they're going to notice. But you can Goodyear blimp somebody and then just take off. And then they turn around and you are gone. So the way that Mike has explained this really being more of a visual burden that you have to live with. You can fly in any one of the situations i feel like there is a clear-cut winner here i'm gonna i'm gonna abstain from giving my answer i want to hear your i'm still torn i'm not torn at all by the mike wright rules of you can fly with all three just as successfully as all three but like there is one that is awesome and two that are stupid. Really? Yes, really.

No, I want to be like a bird. And so I want my arms as wings and I want to fly like a bird. I do not have the depth. Think about t-shirts. I don't have the move. Like, I couldn't move like a bird with a propeller on my head. No, you cannot. I'd be cruising along. Maybe I could check my email better, you know, on my head. No, you cannot. I'd be cruising along.

Maybe I could check my email better on the flight, but I think I want to be the bird. With the propeller, you're Inspector Gadget, right? Yes. Are we all in agreement there? No doubt about it. You are straight up. Yeah.

You know. Yes. No, the angel wings have to be the best because... You have giant wings on your back now. It's awesome. Like if I saw someone with giant angel wings on their back, I'd be like, whoa, an angel alert. That is really cool. If I saw someone with basically like webbed arms, that's weird.

And of course, the propeller, if this is just visual, is ridiculous. You're going gonna look very silly i feel like you can maybe hide the bird wings but you are wearing trench coat yeah i mean you're wearing well you got feathers all over your arm right i think the angel wings is the right pick because then you can use your arms like normal you can but you have gigantic angel is that uncomfortable to sit on back no i know they're really big mike is it uncomfortable to sit on your i think of course that would be you don't sit on them but like you can't i don't know if you can lay back can you sleep on your back no you're a belly sleeper at this point uh maybe a side but you're you're

certainly not a back sleeper yeah i imagine you you're losing some feathers from time to time too, right? Yeah, you got to molt. You got to molt. The burden of molting. There's no molting with the propeller. Is that the title of this show? That's true. Do you ever have to like lube your gears?

You got to grease it up a little, yeah. You got to lube your gears. Yeah, important to lube your gears. Yeah, but then where does that grease fall? Right onto your face. That's not okay. Not if you properly grease, obviously. Here comes Jason.

Why does that guy always smell like WD-40? It's disgusting. All right. What's your final answer, Mike? I'm going angel wings, Mike. I'm going bird wings. Yeah, I'm going back to bird wings. That's wrong.

I think you look a little cooler flying with the angel wings, but convenience in everyday life? I mean, getting into a car with angel wings? me a break yeah wait wait so you both took bird wings and bird wings are the wingsuit is that what you're saying like that yeah your arms are the wings like a bird oh man you gotta flap and then you can't do anything that's awful you still have to flap with angel wings they're just on your your back. Yeah, but that's just an additional thing to my body. They're going to take care of it themselves. You're going to regret it when you go to Disneyland

and you can't get on any rides, Jason. I will fly my own rides. Britton from Patreon, would you rather have a 16 by 16 black square on your windshield? So that's over a foot. 16 by 16 black square on your windshield. So that's over a foot. 16 by 16 black square on your windshield, directly obstructing your field of view, or a 16 by 16 open field of view directly in front of you,

and have the rest of your windshield blacked out. Okay. That one. No, I'm sorry. The first one. The black square. Give me my peripheral vision give me everything else big is a have you never been in a vehicle mike how big is a windshield i understand look i understand like i could say oh it's about this big but it 16 16 inches how how much of my windshield is blocked out is that half okay put your arms a little over a foot put

your arms up in front of you and then make it like, I don't know, a foot and a half. Just yay big. Yeah. And then imagine that in front of your windshield. But how big is the rest of the windshield? 59 inches by 31 inches. Thank you. That makes all the difference.

Oh, that was a huge help to Mike. He's like, now I can understand. Does your brain plot this out on your little brain plotter? Yes. Okay. I don't understand why that's a bad question. You guys are just like, yeah, I accept it. Here's what you should be doing. Pretend you're

in a car right now staring at your windshield. Now envision a 16 by 16 black square in front of your face. That's all you gotta do. That's all you gotta do. That makes me feel like I'm rolling Ace Ventura style, where I'm driving with my head completely out my driver's side window. Can you imagine the terror of staring out?

Your only vision is a 16 by 16 window, and that's all you can see on the road? You can't turn left. You can't turn right. You know how small? I've played driving games on TV smaller than 16 by 16. How do you turn? Okay, make a left-hand turn. Yeah, make a left.

Make an unprotected left-hand turn. How would you ever, ever know when to go? I mean, I guess you can... Similar to the Ace of Tours, you can roll that window down. Yes. And you have to. But that means both passenger windows are 100% of the time down. Well, I feel like that's cheating.

I doubt you get to do that. Why does the second one, why does the other passenger window down? You don't get to roll them down, do you? Why is the passenger window down? How are you getting your head out of that window? You can't see anywhere. You can see through the window because it's clear. You can see through the window. Because it's clear.

Can you see through the window? Okay, so this is just a windshield. The windows aren't also blacked out. Jason, it's just a 16 by 16 square on your windshield. Correct. This only affects your windshield. So your door windows are still clear. Who's stupid now? The person who asked the question.

Yeah, Al Borman. Why are you attacking Britain? I can avoid... Look, the sun is sometimes lined up in my vision when I'm driving, and sometimes it can be about 16 by 16 right in front of me, and you have to use peripheral vision. I'd rather drive like that. I feel like, you know,

if there's a blacked out block right in front of you you've got to move a little bit yes bob and weave to see around it but the amount that you would have to move if you can only see in that window and you're trying to look far to the right like lifted myself up and out of the seat like trying to look ever you have to black out the 16 by 16 block in front of you. You have to. Now, what if you have a convertible and you just drive standing up? I'm not that tall. Interesting.

Well, get some blocks, man. You can figure it out. Hmm. Yeah. This is a weird one. All right. Give me that Tesla autopilot. Black out the whole windshield.

I don't care. We are going to sleep. If you're standing up, that's more like a Segway situation, right? But with the car? It could be. All right. Before we get into the very special Situation Room we have planned, let's take a quick break.

The Situation Room. All right. We have a local wizard edition of the Situation Room. All right. We have a local wizard edition of The Situation Room today because we have been getting lots of questions. What's that rascal up to? A lot of situations coming in that are very typical if you live in a town that has a local wizard. As we all do.

As we all do. Liam from the website. Your local wizard lost all of his money in the crypto market after seeing Andy and Elon Musk tweeting about Dogecoin I've been there Liam as a punishment the three of you must spend the next three years working for free

I didn't tweet yeah but you're connected by Guilty By Association you spend the next three years working for free as a main character from a live action children's television show of your choice oh what show would it be and would you be and who would you be in the show oh my goodness children's television live action kids shows i mean i feel like i can't even name the worst you are you are living hashtag blessed over there you got yo gaba gaba which

is the one oh that's great that's that's the only good one but my kids have my kids have leveled up to they're they are watching the shows in between you know a kid show and a grown-up show like a tween a tween show a tween show and it's just laugh track after laugh track everything is a one line zinger. Everything's so funny. Oh they're just coming fast and furious with the jokes except there are no actual jokes. It's just

dialogue and then a laugh track and it's uncomfortable for me to watch. It hurts. I love that Andy said oh you know the only one he could think of is yo gabba gabba he's going with that there has never been a worse match than andy on the adhd yo gabba gabba show like andy i've got yours yours is you are replacing mr rogers on mr rogers if you were

on yo gabba gabba you would not do well you would be looking everywhere so frazzled why are you playing one of the the like uh set pieces i wasn't planning on being a main character they're alive i'll be in one of the trees i'll be in one of the trees yeah um you got blues clues uh that's true right well kind of right there's one one live action piece right so i guess we know who you'd have to be yeah you'd imagine being that guy the whole time where you can't figure out the easiest mystery to solve and the dog is like someone help me blue i can't figure it out what if uh jason you want to be barney like, like in the new Barney series for three years? Is that a new Barney?

There is now. That's definitely not one I'm going to go with. When we talk about kids shows. My kids are watching the big show. What age are we talking about here with kids? Up to 12. I don't know your kids. Up to 12?

Up to 12. Then I am a mighty morphin' Power Ranger, my friends. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Give me the ability to fight crime. You in a suit sweating inside that thing. Oh, you in a Morphin suit. The truth is.

The truth is. It's Morphin time. Whoa, whoa. Let's slow down on the Morphin. I can't. No, no. I need to Morph right now. I'm Morphing whether you let me or not.

I know this. I could crush it on the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. However, I would definitely be a villain. There's no way I could fit into the morphing suit. We're not getting into robots yet? Come on, what's going on? I'm going to be one of the... Can we do another beach scene?

Weren't there two guys, like extra characters? Yes, the comic relief. Oh, like the Bebop and Rocksteady of the... Pretty much. Yes, the comic relief oh like the bebop and rocksteady of the pretty much yes the comic relief fools uh the little you know bad guys yeah that's that's who i'm being on mighty morphin power rangers for sure all right so if if i get to draft any show that i'm i am bill nye i will take over and i will be Bill Nye the science guy because that show is actually sweet. And I get to teach kids about science. That one is the best fit because not only do you love the science, but they always ended with a pop song remake with science lyrics.

Oh, man. I would crush. Look, TV producers out there, you need a new Bill Nye? I'm your guy. I'm your guy. Bill Nye. I'm no scientist, but I'm your guy. You've got it YouTube now. He just plays a YouTube video for people and he watches with them.

And the show is actually just me watching Bill Nye the Science Guy going, Whoa, did you see that? All right. Beautiful Joe Burrow from Patreon says, your local wizard has spent your life savings to build a time machine. It only lets you go back in time. To make up for what the wizard has done

to your bank account, he allows you to go back in time to steal one material item to bring back and sell for money. Oh, man. So it only goes back in time except for it also lets you get back. Right. Is that right?

It's like a boomerang. All right. But you can't go forward. Right. You can go back in time, steal that. Now, does this... Wait. So I need a little clarification here.

If I'm going back in time, does that make it guaranteed I can steal the item? Can I get a Van Gogh? You can go snag it. I can get anything I want? Yeah. And here's... Because immediately my brain goes to how hard is it going to be to sell this item? Because the really valuable ones...

I mean, it's going to be extremely difficult. Because I would love to go Nick Cage style because, I mean, how valuable would a brand new Declaration of Independence, like what's the U.S. government willing to pay for that? Is there something you can go steal that will continually make you money that you don't just have to sell off? Because obviously you're not going back and getting information, but is there anything that would allow you to keep... It's like the opposite of a great sports almanac. I now know what happened in the past. We have that now.

That's right. I've got... No, that wouldn't work. I've got this really valuable magazine. It doesn't have any of the last 40 years' worth of data in it, but everything before that. Yeah, I don't think that works. Now, what about, like, I know collectible cards are all the rage right now.

You know, you go back and get some Babe Ruth rookie signed card. That's got to be worth millions of dollars, right? Is there anything that's super damaged now that if you went back and grabbed it when it's not damaged would be worth a lot of money let's not talk about the declaration man go get like they're just they're gonna think the u.s government is not purchasing the declaration of it they're like this is ours this is i'm pretty confident i'll take the magna carta it's still ours can i go back in time and bring back like a billion dollars from back then because it's still gonna be good

just steal me money i'm gonna steal old money with with inflation i i have to imagine that's that's pretty good yeah except it's gonna be all the old bills and then when you go to the bank they'll go hmm you sell the bills to a collector you're not going to use them as cash Jason goes back and gets a bunch of wooden nickels yeah you know you got buffalo nickels that are worth more than a nickel

right? sure but I bet you a dollar from back then is worth a dollar now what would be something that would be fine I'll take some two dollar bills oh two dollar bills they were gonna be worth something someday yeah yeah those and uh silver dollars all right austin from patreon has one more important situation from our local wizard you and your team have been captured by your local wizard he has uh, got a lot of, yeah, he's a wild one.

He has a new poison he wants to try out. Turns out, 100% of people are allergic to poison. That's right, 100%. He has a new poison

he wants to try out. He does not know how much poison it will take to, quote, finish the job. And you five, so he's including

Judge Giamatti and Al Borland here, are the lucky participants. The amount of poison will increase if the person who takes it lives. Okay. If you take it and live, you go free. Or if someone else before you dies, you go free. I live in this situation.

Go on. The local wizard will... Where do you go in the order? Because I have to be last. We got to finish this question. All right. The local wizard will come up to you privately and let you choose which spot in the order you would like to go. It could work the first time or not at all.

What spot do you choose? Oh, so I choose the last spot for sure. Okay. Because here's the deal. My chance of surviving is either I take the poison and I live or I don't take poison because someone else died and I lived. So let me be. You're glossing over the fact that maybe the fifth time is when it will be. Fifth time's a guarantee. We have to guarantee that somebody's going to die.

So in the fifth spot, if the previous four don't die aren't you the dead man no there's no guarantee there's otherwise you can't your sip is gonna be a little bit bigger all i know is this if we were to come up with this as a group the five of us sit down and we're like okay we know that you know we we want to try to all survive and it's going to be more than what the first person survived. I can take the most poison. I believe that. I think of the five of us, I can take the most poison. So if I go first or second or third,

now all of a sudden you're taking more than could have killed me. That's a big flex, man. Big flex. Big flex. I'm flexing on you fools. I'm not sure what you think about nothing, but I could take more poison than you. Well,

we're basing this on weight. I don't think that has anything to do with poison. Oh, of course it does. It's your bloodstream. It's how much is in your bloodstream. Uh, right.

I mean, then that would, you got a little bit bigger bloodstream. You got more blood than me. Hey man, what you than me? Hey, man. What you talking about? Look, I know that it is not the same. The blood brag.

When you have medicine or anything like that, it affects people different based on their size. The bigger they are, the more they eat. You don't give a rhinoceros the same amount of tranquilizer you give a little chihuahua because they're bigger. There's also a physiological aspect as well. Just because you are large does not mean that you are allergic. It doesn't mean your immunosystem will handle more poison than, say, the owl.

No, that's fair, but I am physiologically superior as well. Oh, okay, okay. Now we have huge DNA. Huge DNA. I mean, myna like you've seen my ladders you've seen my my spirals dude my diameter my t's is huge uh now al is letting me know at least one in five is guaranteed to die in this experiment okay now you could be how embarrassing would it be on top of dying to go first and then you're the it's like it's a big setup there's a lot of drama you take the first little sip you think you're

fine you drop dead and everyone walks free and they're like well that was easy yeah i think i'm going second because i want to learn right i go second the person ahead of me either dies or i see exactly the dose they had. I see their reaction. I know what's coming. I'm going first. I'm going first. I'm getting it out of the way because I can't imagine. You don't want the anxiety?

Yeah. If the poison doesn't get me, the anxiety attack is going to get me. If I'm sitting there at number four, by the time it's my turn, I will have already passed away. And then someone after me is going to have to drink poison anyways, because I'll be dead. See, I'm still picking last, even if someone's got to die, because if I have to die, if that has to happen, you're darn sure the rest of y'all getting poisoned.

I'm not going out where you don't get nothing. I die, and you still got poisoned. We're still a little bit poisoned. I'm not going out where you don't get nothing. I die and you still got poisoned. We're still a little bit poisoned. That's right. But we're just suffering mild discomfort, though. Maybe. Or you're dying and I live. I'm going last.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Let's move on to our draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right right this is a fun draft i'm excited about this it's a 90s nostalgia draft and we are drafting one song one movie one tv show and one video game from the 90s oh man i didn't think i needed to be number one here so i wasn't that excited about having the first pick but i did need to go number one and i am excited to have the first pick because you're

scat because the pick i'm going to go with and this is these are always fun because you have to pick in different categories and so there's some gamesmanship in terms of who takes what and you can wait till the end to get a certain selection like our strategy is just is right out the window with this though because it's so all over the place i feel like i i have at least three in each area sure and i don't know if we match in any of them i agree i have two in three of the areas and absolutely nothing in one of them that's great now glad you're prepared the best part is you have to prioritize like what do you want the most first of all a tv show a song a movie or a video game and i'm going to prioritize the tv show my favorite tv show the greatest iconic 90s show you could possibly select uh my poor allusion to it in the scat.

I'm going with Seinfeld. Seinfeld is my number one overall pick. Okay. I felt like the TV show category had a 101, so I'm taking Seinfeld. Okay. Yeah. As I was... But I love it, so

it might be more valuable to me. It's a perfect pick for you as much as we know that you love Seinfeld. As I was approaching this, I went through the lens of what makes me feel like I'm either a kid or a teenager again. Sure. Maybe that's just what I use the word nostalgia for. Maybe that's just, well, that's what I use the word nostalgia for, but it's no, I want something where I can picture where I was, how old I was, the feelings I had when I was.

But you can't draft Clearasil. No, no. Didn't need it, my man. That was flawless. Smooth, baby smooth. Except for all the pimples. So, all right, I am going to go. I got to cut you off for just a second because I'm seeing Seinfeld is debuting in 1989.

That's fine. No, no. Did it run through the 90s? Yeah. Its whole era was the 90s. I will say this. I will say this. When I was preparing my draft board, I took Simpsons off the list because

even though it was definitely a 90s show it's like is it only 90s yeah there's no more 90s show than than seinfeld yeah that's fair i'm perfectly fine all right just wanted to make sure we were good with it yeah i love how you never cut in for mike any no errors that mike's ever made i've never made an error i expect you to cut in on mike by the end of this episode all right so i am uh when i think of of growing up being a kid or a teenager i think of video games and when i think of that era of video games i'm sitting down with my buds we are all crowded around a screen because you're playing on one screen the internet has not been invented at least the way it is right now so i'm going to take the co or co-op or the versus game i'm going to take golden eye uh-huh for the nintendo 64 because nothing says 1990s yes four sweaty teenage dudes

in a room what's so amazing is when you think back to those games because i was i'm with you it was on my list it was it was the number one video game on my list believe it or not from the 90s and if you go see the graphics in that game now it oh it perplexes your mind and yet back then it was not it was unbelievable to me it was bleeding edge man it was bleeding edge and it was the camaraderie of the game see now you play in a different place with somebody but then you had to be hunkered around a small tv with so much better not only were the graphics bad but you were split four ways you know if you're playing small and

yeah and you were and you liked it you loved it oh it was way better i am more convenient now but it was way better i'm so happy you drafted that because now the gamesmanship does come in. You were the only one I was worried was going to take my video game. I think Andy would have several ahead. And so I'm not worried about video game now. Now I can go with. Which I know your video game. Exactly.

And I know that that wouldn't be yours. So I'm good. I get three first choices here. Okay. So I am on cloud nine here. I'm going to start with the best movie of all time. Best movie of all time, happened to come out in the 90s, is Braveheart. That's my favorite movie of all time.

Braveheart was in the 90s. Case closed. Doesn't make me feel like a kid, though. Yeah. No. Wait. Was this the 90s things that make you feel like a kid draft? No.

I'm just telling you how i how i'm approaching that's fair that's fair um but i do actually i i saw that when it was in the theater mid 90s i think it was 1994 somewhere around there that's that's some good parental decisions being i was just gonna say the same thing i saw there's no chance i saw that movie around when it came out i was was 10. I would have been 10. Dude, well, I was, it had a long run in the theater. I think I was 13 before it was out, and I saw that movie in the theater. Talking about freedom. So many times.

This guy had freedom right here, dude. You're darn right. My parents brought me to our movies. I'm so cool. Now, TV show, I was worried here because with TV show, I thought Mike was going to take, I thought he was going to run on Seinfeld, leave me in a bad position. To me, this is nostalgic. This makes me feel like a kid. And it was also a phenomenal show. Like the show was just great, but it's the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I feel like there's nothing more 90s than the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Okay. I feel like there's nothing more 90s than the Fresh Prince.

So that to me is... That's fine. Fresh Prince is number two for me. Okay. All right. I had two on my list. I'm curious if my two was your one and your one is my two. It won't shock me at all.

But the games will proceed because I don't have to take a TV show right here. Let's see. So Jason took movie and you took the television show. That's right. The songs are all over the place, man. I have no idea. That's the category I said I have none. Because there's literally a hundred songs I could name that I absolutely love from the 90s.

But there wasn't one that stands out. All right. Well, then I'm going to go with a nostalgic movie. I don't know why this is number one for me, but I'm combining things that make me feel like a kid. Just remind me of, oh, man, I don't even know what year this came out. I'm going to need to check the, oh, man, we might be right on. just remind me of oh man i i don't even know what year this came out i'm gonna need i'm gonna need

to check the uh oh man we might be right a thousand okay a movie a movie it matters if it released in the 90s yeah yeah yeah sorry one sec i'm just just verifying if it's the movie i think you're okay you're good no we're good we're i i good. I mean, there's so many that fit into the genre of movie. But it's a movie. I haven't even allowed my kids to watch it because apparently I've looked up what's inside of this movie. It's not really a good movie for kids, but here we are. I'm taking The Mighty Ducks. Quack, quack, quack, Mr. Ducksworth.

It reminds me of being a kid, getting into the movie theater, those really small movie theaters. I love it. Okay. are you surprised andy honestly when i thought about 90s movies it came into my mind for sure i although we we've watched it recently i don't remember there being anything that was yeah apparently you're overlooking there's um all right i am okay did you you both have your movie yeah I've got two picks I need to go song no one's taking a song yeah good luck yeah well I mean okay I'll go song and movie here I'll start with the movie because whatever I'm gonna take it I'm going to take it. I'm going Jurassic Park. I mean, Jurassic Park is the 90s movie that kind of took the cake for me in terms of what I think of. I used to think that movie won every award that existed because I love dinosaurs. And then I'm going to go with...

It's a great movie. Songs are tough. I'm sure we'll talk about some other songs after we draft because we're only drafting three songs. But I'm going to go with Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit. some other songs after we draft because we're only drafting three songs but um i'm gonna go with nirvana smells like teen spirit oh that was the only one dang it now i'm gonna look that was the only one that i was like okay i think i would take that one first i think that was the number one it was on top of my list yep so i will go with that one it's close so there are several other 90s songs that i probably liked a little bit more but that

one's more iconic so all right back to you my usually you took both your picks so you went jurassic park it smells like teen spirit okay very excellent 90s picks there uh i have to pick song just in in the off chance here that jason now i might grab macarena so you you hop on that mike that's a very 90s song um i will go man it it feels like the 90s and when you hear it it still feels like the 90s i will take the uh and it it made some some parents upset back in the day i will take the ode to Large Buttocks by Sir Mix-a-Lot himself. I'm going to take Baby Got Back. That song still slams

to this day. What's so funny is the contrast of what that seems like to the Mighty Ducks and feeling like the 90s. So there you go. Baby Got Back. Oh my my goodness so here's what's funny is i'm like i have two picks in three different categories and nothing for music but in reality i guess i definitely had a number one in music and a number two

and you both picked them no way a hundred percent that's crazy to me it's great because smells like teen spirit was like you know that was such a that was our age alternative movement you know there's there's not many bands that are more exclusive to the 90s than nirvana so that was why i was going to take them number one and then when you just think of like the songs that have stood the test of time and always make you think of the 90s baby got back is it's so stupid it's not great music but it's phenomenal and it would have been my second and and just to compliment what i was saying owl borland has chimed in here uh he said he bought it he bought the cassette tape the

sir mix-a-lot cassette tape without the parents permission they found it they smashed it oh yeah both my parents are spit wads and they will hear this and they can attest to that baby got broken oh wow oh my gosh becky all right uh so i've got my final two picks here one has to be a song which i'm left with scraps um there's there's a lot of 90 songs there's 2 000 songs i could go with here i'm left with scraps we've taken only two songs where baby got back it smells like no i mean i repeat no i i i get it there's there i couldn't i could list off 200 songs and they're all great and they're all you just need one because i only need one i'm gonna go with tonight tonight from the smashing pumpkins i love the smashing pumpkins in the 90s uh you

know you feel 90s yeah yeah it makes you feel 90s um that was their second best 90s song yeah what would you say is their best 90s song? 1979. The song about 1979. That's why I didn't take it. Honestly, I was going to take 1979. I'm like, wait a minute. You can't take a 90s nostalgic song about the 70s. That would have been great irony. You certainly can. It's

accurate. It's a better song. For video games, it's the best game that's ever been made. It's one of the only games that was so good that it literally got remade. It's a nice last bit for you here. Not redone. They made the exact same game over.

Mike and I have played part one of it. But Final Fantasy VII, that game owned me for at least two years. It had my body, my soul, my mind, my time. Wow. So, yeah, I mean, that's what I did for a couple years as I played Final Fantasy VII on repeat. So that's got to be my pick of the 90s. All right, two picks left.

Mike, you've got a TV show left. I've got a video game left. We've probably discussed this because we've talked about Final Fantasy 7 all the time but I can't remember so I'm gonna ask you Jason when you were when you played through did you rename your characters or did you in the OG leave them with the regular names um both but for the most part I left Cloud the same and I renamed everybody else okay okay Okay Alright so television show here it is I'm not sure if it's your number two

Or not Jason but Saved by the bell my man Saved by the bell fresh prince Those were my two coming in it was like those are the two 90's shows No that makes sense So to go with my last pick and get Saved by the bell Like the most 90's thing that I can possibly

That could have gone 101 overall. Yes. In the whole draft. And I would have taken that had you not taken a television show. No, you have a strong... I got to cut in here and say that that show debuted in 1989.

Thank you. I expected this. Yes. Al Morley, good for you. It didn't really, did it? Well, we're disqualifying it, right? Oh, for sure. That is an 80s show. Oh my gosh.

That is so ironic. You know what? I love you, Al. Well done. I will close this out. It's tough. The video game pick here, you guys have great ones. Goldeneye was my 101 on video games. I will go with Super Mario World. I will go early 90s it

was released uh I think 1991 but that's my one of my favorite games of all time it's what I think about when you said the nostalgia being a kid sitting around me and my brother playing that game that's a memory I'll always have so back when you had to like you heard someone got a video game and then you go and become friends with that person 100 because you heard they got the new game dude yeah that donkey kong country as well oh my gosh that was fun and what's so funny is i remember like frank why don't we ever hang out man i remember having a 30 minute video game time limit with that game and i'd have to go like put in when i was starting and playing like my parents really

limited how much we could play especially early when we got it because you know how when new tech comes out parents are really afraid of it and uh so we that made that time very special those were the most important 30 minutes of the day. That's why I keep my kids off the blockchain. It's dangerous. Yeah, darn right. All right, final teams here. Jason has Tonight Tonight for his song, Braveheart for his movie, Fresh Prince for his TV show, and Final Fantasy VII for his video game. Mike has Baby Got Back, The Mighty Ducks, Saved by the Bell, and GoldenEye.

I've got Smells Like Teen Spirit, Jurassic Park, Seinfeld and Super Mario World. That will be a very competitive... I think Mike might win it, though. I think you'll take this one down, Andy. We'll see. We'll see what people... If they relate to the kind of being a 90s kid, I don't know. Mike's got some good picks in there, but we'll find out.

We've got an honorable mention here from Al, Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden garden it's funny i had what you go with that one i had i want you i had i want you a cherry cola man yeah he also said wonderwall by oasis sure oh yeah that was on that was on my list for sure if you guys had taken smells like teen spirit my song was going to actually be bittersweet symphony by the verve oh man for my i wish you didn't take that then because I would have won in the draft. Interesting.

I had the only other one where like, I guess in the movies I had Sandlot on there. Oh, yeah. That's a great 90s movie. And then for television. I had The Matrix. Was that in the 90s? Yeah.

I think it was. That movie's great. Television just makes me feel like a kid 99 and they keep trying to bring it back but they can never do it right American Gladiators oh yeah that show when you were a kid watching these actual real

life superheroes just so jacked up beating up regular people that show was amazing what's so funny is like if you if they came out with it now, you could watch all the episodes whenever you want. Back then. It's like,

I could never get the TV on when gladiators was on. Right. I somehow never got to see it unless I got lucky and scheduled it out. But all right. I think that about does it. What did we learn today? Well, I learned that the wheel well of an airplane is very cold, apparently.

Cold enough to kill a man 75% of the time. I learned that Jason's parents were providing great freedoms, and Jason could go watch Braveheart on his debut in the early 90s. And I learned that if I am in a life or death situation, I'm not counting on Jason. I'm counting on my real friends. All right, that'll do it for the Spitballers. Thank you for tuning in.

Thank you to Al Borland along for the ride today. Thank you for correcting Mike. That was really important to me. And we'll catch everybody on the next episode of the Spitballers. Take care. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out