Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: The Death of Pinocchio & Alternate Transportation Methods - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

Spit Hit for December 26th, 2022: On today’s show, we hear a stellar celebrity impersonation by Mike. We also discuss peeing in the front yard, revealing tattoos, having kids with the same name, and literally anything else you can think of. We close the show down with a draft of alternative transportation methods. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! Oh, the only thing you want under your Christmas tree right now is a spit hit. A great Spitballers episode and we are going to give you a classic, a timeless, while we spend this Christmas season with our families. Gather your family around the fireplace and listen up. And listen up. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason.

A zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom and a boom-boom-pow. Oh, that was great. A-zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom-a-zoom and a boom-boom. There's a lot to like about that. Shake your rump over there. I won't lie. I was inspired a little bit by that. And then the zooms just kept coming out. I got stuck.

I got stuck zooming. But you got to the booms. I coming out. I got stuck. I got stuck zooming. I was trying to be booming sooner, but there was a few more zooms than I was expecting. You don't need to explain yourself. I like to go behind the music, behind the scat. Behind the thing you made up one second ago. Instant access, man. You kept the energy very consistent throughout. You didn't trail

off. Thank you. Thank you. You timed it up well. The rhymes were there. They weren't complicated, but they were there. A little boom and a little zooming. A little zoom and a little boom. Spitballers, welcome in. Andy, Mike, and Jason. So excited to be with you for yet another important episode of the show. Would you rather? That's a great question. Important. Isn't that how you would describe this show?

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Now, when do we have our very important Spitballers episode? Where back when they had the 80s and the 90s sitcoms, and that was when they advertised it, it they go on a very special and you knew like oh yeah like a like a really really heavy topic that that is like out of left field it's it's important because it's a heavy topic like like about pollution or something or about sure just something really important something that's like you're not gonna want to miss this yeah because they're touching and i

think that's going to be on um what episode is it uh that uh oh the owl scat 180 something well i think it's 188 uh owl can you vet that for me it's 166 don't let al get off the hook he did it at episode 63 and it's 83 times two that will be important i mean every episode is kind of important. Al was back there like, okay, getting 20 more. 20 more, yeah. Or we could do it a different way. We could do the drama shows and have a cliffhanger at some point.

Maybe one of us dies off, gets killed off the show. Maybe. Stay tuned. You never know. Or you just end with the joke and they have to wait for next week for the punchline and then it will it will not pay off have you ever had to wait for a week for a punchline we should try it knock knock that's until next time that's it did you hear the joke about the pepperoni pizza uh Uh-oh. Cheesy?

We'll find out later. Okay. We'll find out in a little while. Oh, that's it? That makes me feel really bad inside. So we don't get the answer. Hold on. What happened to the pizza? We'll find out in a little bit.

Oh, no. You're going to be able to find that joke again? I see you closed the book. Well, I mean, that's the thing. I don't know, and you don't know. That joke is gone forever maybe maybe not what happened there's only one there's only one way to find out mike keep listening add spitballers pod on twitter spitballers pod.com the website yeah this is

your idea too um let's get it going well before we do that okay Head over to youtube.com slash a spit ballers. You got it. Uh, you guys know that you're matching matchy today. Oh yeah. We sure are. Is that why you said you liked my shirt earlier? Of course it was. I didn't notice. Matchy matchy. You guys remember? Well look, it says champ champ. Yeah. And it's like when I was the back to back champ in our fantasy league and then Andy, you've had two champs do you uh did maybe you never experienced it i don't know uh but i'll throw it out there in like junior high later elementary maybe you can trickle that into high school the absolute terror and shame that matching someone else's shirt brought. Did you ever experience that where you show up?

Full match? Someone else. Really just more of a shirt problem. You show up. Someone else is wearing your shirt. I did not ever experience that because my shirts, Mike, were. Your shirts were hot? they were wacky okay you were wacky t-shirt guy uh were you wearing like hawaiian shirt no usually like a cereal

like a trick cereal box shirt like the whole front is just the rabbit and the tricks and so you had a lot of cereal box shirts i think this is is bringing up some. So you were Mr. Wacky T-shirt. Yeah. Except you just said that you bought all your T-shirts at Hot Topic. That was probably Target. I mean, mom bought them. I don't know where she. So wacky, my Target shirts.

What are you talking about? Well, my point is this. They were shirts. You hit the tie dye? They were shirts. You ever matched another person's tie-dye that no one would wear that was the point is like they were so stupid that i never had to worry about running into someone else in the cereal box t-shirt because they'd be like what a loser

and you never had that happen i can't recall any of that no i've done the shoe match though the shoe match was it really just any match where it's noticeable. For some reason, we are programmed that you should feel extreme shame and embarrassment when that happens, even though there's only a few stores that all the moms are shopping at together. We all shop at the same places. Are they all meeting each other? No.

Okay. Your kid's got that. No, I'll get this thing. No, that's funny, though. It does bring back some. It was the worst. It just brings back all the memories of being a grade school kid and putting so much pressure on myself to dress a certain way or wear a certain thing because I thought that would

make people like me. I mean, that's the 100% truth. Yeah. Get the shoes for Christmas that everybody else has. I remember trying to get my mom to buy one of these cool jean jackets. Oh, yeah. But we couldn't afford a good denim jacket, so she got me this puffy denim jacket.

A puffy denim jacket? Because she wanted it to actually be able to be a jacket. The other denim jackets didn't really keep you warm. No, they do not. So she's like, if we're going to get you a denim jacket, it has to be. This one will keep you hot with embarrassment. We'll put it on. Yes.

It was the worst because it was so puffy compared to all the cool kids, and I had to wear it trying to be cool. So it was completely the opposite effect. It had the opposite effect. I was an imitator with a puffy, well-insulated denim jacket. It was awful. But yeah, my kids go to a charter school where they have to wear the same outfit. And they've been freed of that world.

No self-expression allowed, children. You all look like nerds, so there's no one that's worse off. That's right. All right. No pop culture pop culture anywhere all right we're moving on would you rather they have an occasional casual friday type of thing is have they expressed like there is slight similarities in the uniform that kids take a liberty of of a modifying and like that's the cool thing to do they are technically allowed to wear either a blue or a white shirt and they have the crest on them or whatever whoa but they are different so like they but the but the are you in a blue mood or a white mood when you wake up that's so so the crips are in existence at your school.

Yes, it's a big gang. At this charter school. At this charter school, there is... They're gang banging. That's right. There's the Latin gang, and then there's the gang that does all of the advanced math, and they compete. Now, by Latin, you mean the Latin speakers. The Latin speakers.

No, no, no. Yes. Ipso facto patronus all right star girl from patreon with the would you rather question would you rather all three of your kids share the same name as your oldest child or share the same name as your wife so all all of your kids have the same name right yeah they just over complicated it you would have the same name. Right. They just overcomplicated it. You would share the same name with your wife. Right, but it's

would you rather all three of your kids share the same name as your oldest child? I'm just trying to tighten that up. All kids are the same name. All kids are the same name. That's right. Billy, Billy, Billy. Yes. All three of you, come over here. Okay. Or you have the same name. That's right. Billy. Billy. Billy. Yes. All three of you, come over here.

Okay. Or you have the same name as your wife. Are we allowed to... I mean, can you have variants here? Can we choose a long name and then you've got the three versions of it? Nope. You have to be the same name. Apparently, we don't even get to choose the name because we have the oldest child or the

wife. We already know the name. Okay. It's just a matter of would we want that. Thankfully, my twins, I had twins first, boy and a girl. And thankfully, Jersey is like one minute older than Jason. Because this would be a problem for me if my kids were all Jason, Jason, Jason, and I'm also Jason. That would be untenable.

Bet you have three jerseys. That's right. Now, this reminded me of a story. In elementary school, I had made a new friend, and I was- Congratulations. Yeah, look, it was rare. Big deal. It was a big deal.

With that face. And I had to pick up the telephone to call my friend to see if he wanted to come out and play. He didn't live within a bike distance, as you would say. Yeah, the radius. So I had to call. So I call the house. I'm like, hey. It's my prepubescent voice, though, so it's still very high. Yeah, and I say, hey, is Richard there?

And they hit me with, senior or junior? I'm like, huh? You didn't know? No, I had no idea. Did you go with senior? Oh, I went with senior. Oh, no way. So you got the dad.

So his dad jumps on the boat, and his dad wasn't the most pleasant person in the world. Great sense of humor on that guy. Oh, yeah, no. Did you end up having to have him over to play? I did. It was really weird. We were trying to get G.I. Joe's going. So you guessed, and you guessed senior.

Because I had never experienced this That is a great story This was like 4th or 5th grade I'm like what? How is there more than one of them in your household? That's hilarious I want to know what Mike thought the junior was If not the kid Is their dog also named this?

He was just learning My wife's name is Brianna So maybe my name could be Is their dog also named this? He was just learning. My wife's name's Brianna, so maybe my name could be Brian. No, no, it has to be the same. Yeah, you would be Brianna. It has to be the same. You don't have to worry about the... So the real question here is about confusion. Yes, exactly.

Do you want to be confused when your name is called, or when your wife's name is called, or do you want the kids to be confused whenever you're trying called or when your wife's name is called or do you want the kids to be confused whenever you're trying to talk to any one of them i don't want my kids to have the same name it's easy to have me have the the same name as the wife because most of the people that are talking to me they don't need to say my name my my wife and i we don't say each other's names all the time it's just like hey honey whatever the only problem here is that my name now becomes mommy because that's my wife's name in the household you know so it's like would i then have to take on mommy i mean it is what it is but i was thinking there could be an advantage

to this because anytime someone says my name oh you can check out nope if not me oh i thought you're talking to this is the other one yeah no one talks to me anymore ever would it be convenient somehow for all the kids to be named the same or it's just like hey uh brian dinner time not not if you didn't have like a one two three system if they're all just the same name then they then your kids are pulling that exact same stunt i just laid your kids are are pulling that exact same stunt i just laid out yes they are you weren't talking to me i thought you were talking to them no way the name i take the name of my wife uh they still pull that crap and they all have individual names in my house like i i didn't think you were talking to me. Our names do not even start with the same letter. Call me Tiffany.

All right. Delanitor from the website. Never heard that name before. Would you rather have skin that changed color based on your emotions or tattoos that appear all over your body depicting what you did yesterday? Oh. That's funny.

That is interesting. This is very Moana, right? He's got the tattoos that are showing what he's done and been through. But it's usually heroic things that he has done. It's not- Like a long timeline, not like a short timeline. It's not, I had a cheeseburger yesterday. This is me napping over here.

Check out this bicep. Hey, nice arm sleeve Jack in the Box tacos. You'll notice the CPAP machine connected right here. Okay. You told us you didn't nap yesterday. See, that's the real issue here is exposure. Exposure to whatever happened where it's like, oh, no, you went through Jack in the Box. No, I didn't.

Why did you get a tattoo of going through Jack in the Box and no, I didn't. Why did you get a tattoo of going through Jack in the Box then? Well, the emotions expose you too because Mike can try to placate somebody in an elevator and just be like not talking. But we all know Mike is getting angrier and angrier at the small talk in the elevator and he starts to turn redder and redder and redder. We all know that the color of anchor is red. Yes. I am just neon fluorescent red.

80% of the time. 23 hours of the day, even when I'm sleeping. I mean, pretending about your emotions is one of the key parts of life. The truth is that would only help Mike. Because if he doesn't want to talk to someone and now he's turning red. I know, I look like a highlighter. Although, in reality reality in genuine real life which obviously this question is for if you started turning red when i get in the elevator

and you start turning red i'm going to get out no i'm going to see if you're all right oh i'm going to say oh dude like are you choking which will only make it matter that this stranger is getting involved in his life yes jeremy is or owl is sending me pictures of anger from inside out. No, that is what comes to mind. That is indeed what I would look like. Well, Jason, your emotions could, you know, we all sit down at a restaurant and you have a hard time picking what you want on the meal. Maybe somebody else gets something that looks a little nicer

and you start to turn a little green. A little jealous, a little food envy, as I call that. What is the color of happiness? Yellow. Yeah, that's kind of where I went to. Like a bright sun. The colors have been chosen by Inside Out, Andy. Happiness was yellow?

Joy was yellow. Oh, okay. That makes sense. You got the yellow smiley face. That makes sense. It's bright. It's the sun. The sun okay. That makes sense. You got the yellow smiley face. That makes sense. It's bright. It's the sun. The sun is supposed to be happiness.

Is there an emotion for having to pee, though? It's also yellow. Yeah. Well, there's only so many colors. Yeah, man. The tattoos would be tough. I mean, maybe you'd live a better life if you knew that you were on display. Your tattoos were always showing up. That's fair. live a better life if you knew that you were on display. Your tattoos were always showing up.

That's fair. Do we get to pick the location of the tattoos here or those also random? I imagine it's a full body and randomly. Randomly assigned? Then give me those emotions, baby. I'll wear my emotions on the sleeve. No problem. Jason's going to show up. Jason, it's 110 degrees.

Why are you in a turtleneck? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. You are sweating a lot, man. Why are you in a turtleneck? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. You are sweating a lot, man. Why are you wearing a ski mask, man? All right. Dalton from Patreon, one of our supporters over at Join the Spit. Thank you for your support.

Would you rather beat Al at Liar Liar or get $10,000? Oh, man. I don't like this question. What a dumb question. Who put this question in? Al put the question in. Al's so dumb. All right.

Would you rather beat Al at Liar Liar or get $10,000? Here's the thing. I have struggled. We can take the $10,000 from his salary. I have struggled through it, but I have never beat Al, and I'm doing all right. I'm not happy about that, but I'm doing all right. I'm not happy about that, but I'm doing all right. I'm not dragging through the days blue-colored because I'm sad, because I've never beat him.

But I would take $10,000, please. I think I'm going to take the cash here and always lose to Owl. Oh, wait, is the question we always lose, or we're trading one victory for $10,,000 or we're getting one or the other? Here's one of many problems with Al Borland. Many. And the list is really, it's long. Extensive.

One of the biggest problems is that he is a delight to whoop up on in something because of the manner by which he wins. Oh, it's the worst. When he wins, little, big, doesn't matter. Yeah. This is the guy that's going to showboat on you. He's going to hit the pickleball shot between his legs. He's going to talk about being the champion all the time. He's said this to his credit, and I'm saying he says it to his credit.

He wants credit when he says this about himself. He says it. He talks smack even when he's losing, so he doesn't feel bad talking smack when he's winning. And then in that terrible voice that is his, I'm just saying, like in the Jeremy, the owl voice. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. I'm doing really good over here. Hey, guys.

I'm doing really good over here. He puts a question like this in, highlighting his victories on our show. He's talking like this for the rest of his life. I won another game. That's what you get for putting this question in here, just taunting us. This is a taunt question. That's why you put four questions in today, because you knew this wasn't a real one. I'm sorry. I won't do it next week. He's got a little list

this time. Kyle from Patreon. Would you rather all people only be able to use the word literally correctly or never be able to use the word um? Um is not a word. Um is not a word, but it's really annoying. Um is a sound. That shouldn't be a word. Um is not a word, but it's really annoying. Um is a sound.

That shouldn't be a word. Like, you don't write... Give me a... Nobody writes um in a sentence. There's nobody that went out and, you know, you've got a quote in a book, and it's like... And the character said, I went to the store, comma, um, comma... No, they do. They write them into stories.

Um is just filler. Yeah, that's all it is, is you are letting people know that you're thinking or you're pretending that you're thinking. Or you're meditating. Oh, okay. Your ohms, but not your ohms. Do we have a definition of the word? Yeah. Is there an actual definition?

Yeah, expressing hesitation or positive speech anyway um where was i so here's the issue with the first part and i wanted to look this up because i knew this to be true and it is true literally you know people say i i literally was on a roller coaster to hell and you're like no you're no you weren't you're metaphorically you're metaphorically here's the deal with literally though they have literally changed the definition changed the definition miriam webster what now has a definition for literally that means in effect virtually so definition one is in a literal sense or manner. And definition two is the exact opposite. No. Yes, that's real.

That's not how language is supposed to work. We're supposed to change if we're using it wrong. The word's not supposed to change. Well, words change for purposes. Not words that are literal. Purposes of slang. Like, oh man, that was bad. Yeah, right. And we know that in the vernacular Like, oh man, that was bad. Yeah, right.

And we know that in the vernacular, I'm actually saying that was good. But you can't change the actual definition. That's what I'm saying. You shouldn't be able to change the actual definition. And if there is ever a word that you... And it's not slang, and it's not funny. If there's ever a word you shouldn't be able to change, it is literally, literally. Yeah, it's literally, literally.

Because it... and it's not like it means this is terrible something else the way that there are words that have completely different meanings this is this is just meaning the opposite did you mean precisely so that's the informal definition used for emphasis to express strong feelings well being while not being literally true what what i was literally blown away by the response i got okay what you weren't what if precisely yeah was was you we did that with precisely and it just means like oh i got a precise measurement oh what was it no no i have no idea what it was then why would you say you got a precise measure oh i'm using it in the way that means that there is no way to know exactly what this means.

It's between 2 and 52. Right. Precisely. Precise. It's so stupid. What have we done? Words used to matter. Yeah, I don't even know if I have a choice there.

I guess I don't like the word um very much. It would help us all. As a podcaster and having done public speaking, that is the one word of doom. People talk too fast. They fill it in with um. I've made that mistake a million times. We all have. Out of embarrassment.

Go back to the beginning of the show. I'm sure all three of us have dropped an um in there. So I hate that word because of it. What are our biggest filler words? Um. I think so comes to mind. Well, the word like. Like when you finish a sentence with so. Alright. Oh, alright. That's a

good idea. I guess that's a transition word for me. Well, so is so, right? Like. Yeah. You finish it. So, I'm going to start talking now. And look. Oh, that's. That's how I grab the attention look that's our emphasis word

stay with me look look if we could all get rid of the word um it would be more concise but now that we have what are you going to say in between moments I will give very awkward silence but now that we have what are you going to say in between moments i will give i will give very awkward silence but now that we have changed the word literally on in the dictionary i think we

need to fix this this needs to be repaired yeah we'll work on it i'm literally going to do that That's a great question. Beverly from the website submitted this question. She says, if you were trapped inside a board game, you know, like Jumanji, trapped inside a board game, you know, like Jumanji, which one would be best and which one would be worst? Ooh. So do you want to enter a world of real estate with Monopoly? Well, that's not just... In real estate, it could be very amazing, but it could also be really rough.

Risk would be a bad time. Oh, yeah. World domination. It's all World War. That's the entire game of Risk. Clue would also be a bad time, right? Maybe. There's been a murder, and you might be the murderer, and you don't even know?

You might. Yeah, that's true. I guess if you didn't know you were the murderer. But Clue, I mean, if you're in Clue, that's just a big escape the room. That would be really fun. Okay guess the murder if you answer plum if you enter clue that's the most fun because the murders are already taking place you're not at risk of being murdered that's true so you're just trying to someone might be at risk of me murdering them that's basically just a murder mystery party yeah actually this sounds great i'll bet they have, like, real-life clue.

They do. Oh, man, we should do that. Yeah, they have the murder mystery party. Have you ever done one of those? I have not. I have. I have not. And you know what?

Extremely fun to dress up for. Extremely fun. Okay, so here's another line of thought on some of these video games. You drop in. We loved Red Dead. I love Zelda, Final Fantasy. We're on board games. final fantasy these are all great wait these are only board games if you were trapped inside a board game oh all right but you please continue your literal thought i i thought it was just games in general but my my thought was just like when he heard jumanji which ironically

the new movies is a video game. But I was just saying like. That was for the millennials. It seems like fun. You want to be in Candyland, Jason? If you could actually die in reality. Candyland. Oh, my goodness.

You have my attention. You had my attention at Candy. It would be incredible until the ultimate frustration of playing Candyland where you're just. It's complete chance. What about of playing Candyland where you're just, it's complete chance of drawing cards. What about chutes and ladders, Mike? Well. That would be a living nightmare because you'd be on your way on this journey and constantly sliding down these ladders.

And what sucks is the part where you're receiving a punishment. Something negative has happened. But it's so fun. But you're going down a giant slide. Yeah. That sounds awesome i think the best game and this might sound i don't know corny but the game of life would actually make a lot of sense you get a lot of big life events happening you get to have kids and have them go to college and get married and do all these fun things you might end up being a bankruptcy or

two uh over the course of this game but i mean like wouldn't that be the best thing to hop into is just like oh good if i had to live in a board game at least i'm still you just want to replicate yourself i just want a life well there's something better like that better than this life it feels really could be worse you you're drawing a profession out of a card. You could end up a plumber. You guys have to convince me that there is a... Not that there's anything wrong with that. You guys have to convince me that there is a better board game than this life

in order for me to not choose life as the board game that I would go to. Yeah, Clue sounds awesome. Did you forget about Clue? I didn't forget about it. I didn't forget about it, but it was like, so this means the game is over, I come back. Yes. Oh, well, then I'm in. Okay, you convinced me.

What's the worst game? Have you seen Jumanji? I'm officially, Risk, Settlers of Catan, one of those games. Settlers of Catan would be okay, but it would be a dredge. I'm going to say Operation. Battleship? games settlers of katan would be okay but it would be a dredge i'm gonna say operation battleship i don't want to go in any part i don't want to be the one being operated on okay i don't want to be the doctor good uh either either way it's a bad situation you're just thrust into an operating room with a lot of openings that then you need things taken out of yeah and

i've got like don't i have crazy things inside of me? I don't remember what the objects were. You got a wishbone in there. Yeah. Butterflies in your stomach. Or if you're the surgeon and you just miss, you get electrocuted. Oh, yes, exactly. All right.

Brian from the website has this great question. If Pinocchio says my nose will grow, what will happen? Nothing. Right? Well, no. His nose grows when he lies. But he's not lying here. He's saying my nose will grow.

And it will. Yes. Okay. So, therefore, nothing happens. But what if he says my nose will grow right now? Now. Can I fix the problem to be the conundrum it was meant to be yes oh that's a way better conundrum supposed to be a philosophical question about pinocchio my nose will grow right now my nose will grow right now if he's telling

the truth and it will grow it doesn't grow but then he's if it doesn't grow, oh my goodness. Yeah, so if he says it's going to grow right now, he's telling the truth. But it only grows when he's lying. Correct. Which means it's a lie, which means it grows. Which means he's not telling the truth. It's very clear what will happen. Are you guys? Oh, let me know.

He'll explode. The nose will shrink. His head will explode. You do not want this to happen to pinocchio you can only do this one time and there will be no more pinocchio never let him say my nose will grow right now correct yeah um terry from patreon steve irwin all right has you pinned down in a headlock what facts does he tell the audience about you, your behaviors, and your habitat? So shout out to the great Steve Irwin.

Yes. But now he's got you in a headlock. Oh, boy. And Mike does such a great Irwin. Oh, he does. We've always said he does such a great Steve Irwin. Good night. Yes.

Just prepare yourself. Look here. We have a middle-aged man whose beard is graying, and he spends too much time sitting around doing nothing while he should be getting things done around his house. Yeah. Man, that's good. Dang, that was great.

That was way better than I thought. I thought I was putting you on the spot in some kind of danger zone, and that came right back at me. Well done. Oh, my goodness. That was outstanding. Well done. The studio audience was a big fan.

He's covered in tattoos. Look at the markings. Look at the markings. Beautiful. You can tell how old he is from the wrinkles around the eyes. Looks just like a crow's foot. Oh, my goodness. Any more

to add? I don't want to go on if there's more. Lyle from Patreon. At what age is it unacceptable for my child to pee in the front yard i don't i don't want to answer this question oh well it's here here's the answer i've got so many problems with this question oh yeah the kids are peeing freely no not the kids oh yeah dad's peeing freely i found myself to be very impatient at this age of my life i was gonna say there's a range also with a tiny tank apparently that's part of the problem there's there is a range where it's unacceptable it's

not an age where it's unacceptable because once i get to a certain age where it's they're a little bit older and it's like no no no no you cannot do this out in public but once i get past a certain like you know the the the i don't know it's like up to like mid-20s then it's like all right you're back you you're allowed again this is fine i think the the issue just comes down to how are you trying to hide behind a shrubbery this does say the front yard yeah but i like are you making an attempt to to give a little bit of privacy. Like the front yard? Yeah, I don't know. At what age is it acceptable to pee in the front yard?

You've never peed in the front yard? I have never peed in the front yard. No, none of my kids have ever peed in the front yard either. Why? I'm just, here, help me out. Why? I've got a three-year-old, okay, where it's acceptable. Why would he need to pee in the front yard?

Well, I would counter that because you're so surprised by the front yard, but clearly you were okay with the backyard. Yeah, there's a little bit of privacy there. Right, but if you're in the front yard and you just go behind a bush, I mean, obviously a three-year-old is just, they're just going to do what they want to do. Well, everybody knows that it's fine in a dental office parking lot. We've established that on the show before.

As long as you're on a phone call. As long as you pretend you're on a phone call and make sure that nobody can sneak up on you, it's totally fine. But, no, I do find myself more tempted now in this stage of life. You're just trying to connect with nature. Yeah, I mean, it just seems like such a hassle to go inside. It's just a hassle? Yeah, I'm in the middle of a project.

I can't. The side yard's right there. Man, I can't imagine doing that in the front yard. I'm trying to walk myself through it like, man, I really got to go pee. The front yard is, I can't imagine that either. And the front yard is just like, well. Hey, neighbor. Because here's the problem.

You're like, oh, hide behind a bush. Thinking about a bush in my front yard. I've got a big bush in the front yard. And the problem is. Oh, no. What's the problem the problem here uh the problem with my big bush here is that um i've got neighbors on the left i got neighbors on the right i got neighbors in front so there's really no it's like if i go around the side there's no there's not enough protection you gotta be inside the bush

yeah this is there needs to be a full hedge yeah yeah as i always said i cannot imagine if you've never peed in the front yard have you mike uh i've peed in a front yard many times really uh let's go college but why am i why are you doing this man this would this is looking for attention no this is more like more like it's night and we're hanging out in the front of the house and we're teenagers. Okay. I'm still not quite there. Darkness help. That was the finish line.

That was it. Well, so imagine you're like in the front yard. With your friends. And you're a teenager. You're with your friends. You're all having a good time. And you have to go to the restroom. Yeah.

What are you supposed to do other than just pee on the porch you just you don't look why is it the porch you go to the side of the house darkness is a real friend in this situation yes i could see i could see a front yard darkness is the descriptor of this situation okay in more ways than one all right last one debbie from twitter if you could delete one part of getting ready in the morning, which one would it be? Ooh. I assume you're deleting it, but you get the benefits of it. Yeah.

In which case, I would delete a shower. As much as I enjoy it, it takes up too much time, energy, effort, water. I mean, look, if I could. Did you know that you can shorten your showers, Jason? You've heard tail. I've heard tail, and I've tried, but it's not enjoyable. But my point is, if I could just wake up fresh, clean, smelling of soap and shampoo, smelling of lilac and butterflies. I love the scent of butterflies.

What does a butterfly smell like? It smells so good. Oh, it smells so good. Smells like pollen? Smells like pollen and wings flapping in the wind. Well, see, the shower is the key to getting my hair done in the morning. So if I delete the shower, I'm not going to have freshly washed hair, which means that I will need to take a shower to be able to do my hair.

But that's why I asked if you get the benefit of the thing you're deleting. You don't get the benefit of having your hair pre-styled. Yeah, you can't say, okay, I don't have to shower. But my hair's done. But my hair is done. Because you could skip the hair done part. Yeah, they're separate. I concur.

I agree. But when I wake up having not showered, I cannot style my hair. Correct. It's got the cowlick or whatever. It's matted. But after I shower and dry and whatever, I still have to style my hair. It's just I can do it now. So that's why I'm saying, like, I would still style my hair.

My hair wouldn't be automatically styled from the shower, but I would be able to. See, I was thinking I might skip the hairstyle part. Then it could just, you know, every day it's just done. That would be pretty nice. That is pretty nice. I'm skipping the poop. Okay. That's a bad choice.

That's some new time. He's going to really build up. Well, no, I get the benefits. I know. I know. The poop vanishes. But, I mean, sometimes you don't know. It could be fine.

Have we thought about creating a way to let your body do that while you sleep? Mike, there's a bag for that. Oh, okay. It don't smell the best. It doesn't smell like butterflies. Mike might be on to something here, because if you could truly delete your morning deuce, could truly delete your your your morning deuce your your bm then that means you can eat anything the night you want to eat something spicy you eat something spicy you might you might not be able to wait till morning in that situation might not you might not be able to skip the old morning you

might have a midnight the the use um i think that that that's not a bad idea. Oh my goodness. What is happening. You guys want to draft. Yes please. The spit ballers draft. All right. We are drafting now. We're drafting transportation methods but let me explain this. Yeah, I need explaining to me. I mean, the description sounds kind of boring, but it's so not boring. We are drafting ways to get around. Now, there are lots of different ways to get around. You cannot draft cars, trucks, automobiles. Correct.

These are the only four methods of transportation you get to use for the rest of your life. That's right. You got to think about from now to the day that you leave this earth, this is the only way that you can travel. Yes, and everybody can walk and run by default, so those will not be drafted either. You can't draft cars, automobiles. You cannot draft walking, running. But now you're picking four ways to get around.

Now, Mike has the first pick, but I find myself with this dilemma of practicality and enjoyability. How much will I use it, but how fun will it be? And then, obviously, I'm competing with you guys. So, Mike, you have the first pick. Now, I got the impression earlier today that you were pleased with that. You have something that you want. Well, it is, there's no silliness involved.

This is... If you could pick the transportation method, I had to pick four, and I could still pick cars, trucks, whatever I wanted. This would still be my first pick because this is the dream. Stilts.

I know he's going to draft stilts. He's drafting stilts. Electric stilts. Jasonason hopefully he doesn't it it it is the dream of this is the absolute fastest to get anywhere other than like you're trying to go to a different city but it within city travel a helicopter is the fastest way to get anywhere and it's super dope you're I got to go jump in my chopper. Get to the chopper. And I'm going to fly downtown. Something that would take a 60 minute car ride is now a 10 minute helicopter flight. Well, I'm ashamed. This was not on your list. Yeah. It's super the number one. It's super the number one. I mean, it's super the number one. And I've got a list of like 12

things that I didn't even write helicopter down. Yeah. I didn't think big enough. No, you didn't think big enough. That's why I tried to clarify. Here's the thing. You guys, I basically said without saying, you guys know I'm going to draft helicopter, and you're cool with that. And I was cool with that. You want to know why I was cool with that? Because there's really only two things that are on that tier.

No. I got the second pick. So we're going to get these two mamma jammas out of the way and leave all the little stuff for Andy because I'm taking an airplane. Excellent pick, Jason. I want to go on vacation. I want to see the world before I die. I'm going to get in an airplane, and I can travel.

Enjoy your cross-country trips, Andy. Well, this is unfortunate. Yes. So helicopter, airplane. I have to go a completely different way. I cannot win against you with practicality of these objects. Okay. So I'm going to take things that I think, you know, look, if cars are banned from this universe, you know,

I think people are going to think a little bit more outside the box about how to get around. I think we all know where I'm really talented. So I'm going to take zipline. Oh, zipline. I'm going to be zipping around. That's going to be a high tower you have to climb. If you're going for a distance, this is 20 minutes away.

You can add stairs into your mode of transportation, too. We'll allow that for free. That's right. Stairs slash zipline. The technicalities behind ziplines, problematic. Right. But when I'm on it, that sounds a lot of fun. Ziplines are incredibly fun. You know what's fun, Jason? Chopper?

Helicopter and airplane rides. You guys have it figured out to get from one place to another, but the landing in a practical sense, you're not going to be able to put that plane down in the middle of the city, Jason. That is true. Mike, you've got it a little bit better, but that helicopter, you could have some problems.

As it currently lies, getting to the airport is a problem. I will admit that I go from airport to airport. And so getting there is good. I've got, I want to go on a trip. So I've probably got luggage with me. There's some issues here.

And I bet you were, you're sitting over there going, man, I wish I could zip line. Man, I wish I could get my luggage on my, on my lap and take a zip line to the airport. All right. And then I'm going to fulfill. Look, we don't have the standardized mode of transportation, so I'm going back in time here. I'm taking a horse. Oh, my gosh.

I'm going horseback. Horse is very high on my list. That is a great pick. It wasn't on my list. There's no helicopter, but it is. I mean, that's going to get me around where I want to. Horse is third on my list. How is that not on my list?

I don't know. That's such a great pick. Yeah, so I'm going horseback. I'm going to be able to get around the city. Look, all you have to do is go back in time to know how people got around before cars. Jason's over here like, how did people get around before cars? Yeah, they could only walk.

Oh man, a horse. So I've got the classic zipline horse combo. Okay. And not to be outdone, but I mean mean you ever ziplined right onto a horse straight onto a horse no it neither of i all right i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm not gonna solve my problem of getting to the airport yet i'm gonna add a new problem but with just as awesome a vehicle as my airplane um i am going to take a cruise ship my man yeah i gotta i don't know how i'm getting to the port yet but when i get there i can travel internationally i'm on a floating

city i'm having a blast because if i don't take a cruise super practical for day-to-day well you know i love my i live through vacations um and so now I don't have to get rid of, you know, cruise lines, which I've only been on one cruise in my life. You've only been on one? One. But you're just that in love with it. I have booked and canceled more cruises than I have been on. The way that you talk about cruises. Yeah, I'm shocked.

And you've been on one of them. We have booked three times and canceled. But you've been on one of them. We have booked three times and canceled. But you've been on one of them. I have been on one. And it was the best time of my life. Alright. I would have thought he's been on 30 cruises, the way he talks about cruises. Oh my goodness. You are a cruise promoter.

You tell other people to go on cruises. I'm a fake cruise snob. I talk them up, I've just never been. I've never been on a cruise. So you have a plane and a cruise ship You don't know how you're getting to the airport or the port That's what I'm trying to figure out here Andy Alright so Mike you're back up Alright

What other sweet pick have I not thought about Well now I'm between A zip line's fun So I'm trying to think Gotta have a good time I've got the helicopter caution to the wind who pulls be darned who cares anymore because i already won with the helicopter that's true uh i'm gonna go uh you you were inspired me i need to go back in time yeah

um i'm not riding the actual horse but i still i'm still horsepower in my chariot my i'm going to take a roman chariot and they will pull me around now i'm curious here because if andy has the horse and we can't have horses are you just on a on a horseless chariot? He might be. Because I don't think you could get the horse to. I can't have something to pull it? Would you like to pivot to an oxen pulled? Yes, you could have your family pull this chariot. That would be awesome.

On, wife, on, children. Take King right around. Okay, fine. An ox is pulling my chariot. There is an animal pulling. No, there's lions. There are is pulling my chariot. There is an animal pulling... No, fine. There's lions. There are lions pulling my chariot. So the point is...

We're getting in the weeds of the rules. Well, I mean, Jason's just trying to defend my horse trademark. No, but you're far more nimble than I am. You're one man on a horse. And you can go fast. Al? I was going to say he when he drafted it

okay all right fine then i will not take the chariot but i did throw one out there that you could take which would not be a chariot but you could go with the oregon trail you could have the oxen pulling the buggy okay okay but you want to live that life slower fine i will i will bypass that and i will go with uh i will take a dog sled oh that's actually really fun if i ever happen to race in the iditarod i'm good to go i was just saying i've never really seen one of those like in a non-snowy area how do they work there you could put some wheels on you could put wheels on it why don't they dog sled with wheels in the heat like seriously that would be awesome maybe the question answered it for you well i'm not talking like

peak arizona summer i'm just saying not in the middle of the snow you couldn't you still i mean if a dog could pull a sled on the snow can't a pack of dogs couldn't a pack of dogs pull a wheeled vehicle yes 100 well i wheels a wheeled vehicle? Yes, 100%. A wheeled vehicle might have a harder time turning. I've got to look this up. I think a harder time turning than a sled? A sled just cuts wherever.

The dogs take it. Yeah, but if you have wheels... I feel like you might get tipped over. Oh, for sure. Okay. Alright. No worries there. But a sled tips over too. dog sled is a fabulously inventive pick okay well i'm taking a dog sled it's really good and uh and i'm gonna go i'm sure that that actual pilots know how to control these but i have no idea okay and if someone can explain it to me that'll that'll be a learning moment for me I'm going to go wherever the wind takes me because I'm jumping in my hot air balloon.

Oh, I didn't have that on my list. It's so good. I'm looking down at the beautiful world in the silence up there with the birds. Where am I going to land? I was going to say, is there a chance that you don't know quite when you're coming down? I think you can control when you're going to come down. Just not where you're going. Not precisely where. I control when you're going to come down, just not precisely where. I'm going over there.

Right. Right? I'm going over there. Oh, now I'm going over here. I never understand, like, there's no sail. Like, how do they control the direction they're going? The wind does it. I know, but I'm saying, like, if I want to go west

and the wind is blowing east, is there a way to do that? Bad day to use the hot air balloon. I mean, I don't think that there's much say up there. All right. Could be. I like that, though. So you've got a helicopter, a dog sled, and a hot air balloon. Are there any other things you could take to go straight up off the ground?

You've got the helicopter and the hot air balloon, but you need some surface area for that. You're going to need some acreage. Yes, absolutely. We'll see if this one flies, because I think I figured out how to get myself to the port. No horse, but there are

there's probably at least one horse power to this machine. Okay. It's going to take me a while to get to the airport even longer to get to the port but how about a golf cart? Huh? Is that allowed?

No. No. To be fair to myself, I tried to ping him like 10 minutes ago asking if I could get this but he didn't respond. The judge, man. He is.

He's laying this back down. He is ornery today. Somebody still can't get to the airport. Someone still can't get to the airport. Oh, my goodness. All right. Well, I can maybe give you a ride. It depends on which way the wind is blowing.

Is it blowing towards the airport? Mike can take you. Then hop in. Yeah. All right. Is it blowing towards the airport? Mike can take you. Then hop in. Yeah. All right. Is my zip line, is the airport at the lowest part of the city? I'll get you there. All right.

Now, I assume this should be fine, but my family and I will be going on segways. Okay. Is this good? Yep. Segway. That works. Because two wheels is fine. I didn't understand the difference.

Yeah, there's a difference. We'll have to all pack our stuff in backpacks. There's not a lot of storage on the Segway. But I'll get to my cruise. That being said, you will look like a family on Segways. Awesome. That will be one of the big problems. You will look super awesome.

Cruising down the street, Paul Blart style. So what is your current team? My current team is an airplane, a cruise ship, and Segway, which I'm using on the cruise ship. What's the max speed of a Segway? Probably about 14, 15 miles an hour? I would say 15. So it'll take you a little bit of time to get to that port.

You could probably hot rod those things up and get to 20. Oh, I'm taking the governor off for sure. You're not slowing my Segway down. What about the battery issue? Well, that one, I'm going to have to set up a charging station, like the Tesla network. All right. Just every 50 feet.

First question I see when investigating is, can you make a Segway go faster? Yeah. People have been asking for years. And what's the answer? No. No, I don't think you can. You can set it in the app, but that's about it.

Now, I'm very tempted to take a riding lawnmower because, you know, that's kind of my M.O. for this show. That's true. Okay, so we're out playing pickleball. Have we told this story yet? I don't think we have. We're out playing pickleball at a city park down here in Phoenix one morning, and we look up, and oh my goodness, there is a lawnmower that is going 50 miles an hour.

I mean, this dude is doing Tokyo drifts out there. He is having the best time of his life kicking up dirt. The grass didn't even need to be cut no it did not and he we're just watching in awe of this guy he was joyriding jamming i think he had airpods in and he was having a blast on this it had to be his last day on the job had to be because whatever he did to that lawnmower was very dangerous it did make me feel better about that pic oh yeah i was like i would die if you're coming at me in one of those i'm not getting out of the way of that thing it's very wide it was the funniest looking thing yeah it was dangerous um all right so i have a zip line

and i have a horse to go horseback i do need to get from city to city you guys have that kind of figured out i do not and you know what they used to have it figured out so i'm going to take a train yeah yeah i'm gonna take a train and then i'm gonna pair it with the most obvious pairing which is a jetpack so you are they have real jetpacks they have one that's a good question mike and it's an answer that i do not have for you i i i know that there are there are two working jetpacks that I have witnessed in my life. One is the one that is the hydro jetpack, works on the water. Yeah, that one I've seen. I don't think that's what you're looking for.

I mean, the other one. No, I've seen a successful flight. They have real jetpacks, but it's like you have like 60 seconds of it. You haven't seen that Rocketeer documentary? Yeah, you have 60 seconds of anyway. You haven't seen that Rocketeer documentary? Yeah, you have 60 seconds of you. That's kind of not really a reality right now. I will take a teleporter. It's my turn, right? Okay, hold on.

I'll pivot. They do need to exist, according to Al Borland. Typical. He's dropping a hammer today. I was just kidding about jetpack anyways. Yeah, who wants a jetpack? That's lame. Look, sometimes you need comfort in life.

Now, will I be able to use this everywhere? No. But when I use it, will I be relaxed? Will I enjoy myself? Will I have a romantic time with my wife? Yes, I will on my gondola. Oh, yeah. Very nice.

I'm taking a gondola. I love getting around on the water. My cruise ship will not fit where yours goes. Yeah. But I respect the water game. Yeah. So I will go the jet pack to gondola pivot. Okay.

And finish up with zipline horseback train and gondola for the winning combo. All right. Okey dokey. I'm not super confident in my team right now. What are you lacking? I still feel like I'm lacking normal transportation, everyday transportation. That's my real kicker here. And so I think I'm going to, as much as I like everything electric in my life, I know I could use the exercise. I know I could hop on this and get from point A to point B and then also maybe shed some LBs.

So I'm going to take the bicycle. I mean, for a last round pick to get the bicycle. Yeah, it's a steal. It is very high on my list. It's a 21 speed. It's a 21 speed it's it's it's you know it's a little it's a little plain jane and all i could think of is uh michael bluth riding his his bike to work and just showing up to work just so sweaty yes oh man sweaty i mean there if if i had to ride a

bicycle in the arizona summer to a location where it wasn't, like if I was riding it to a shower or a pool, that's fine. Any other destination. That's assuming you make it. In the world, and I get there, and I would not be allowed into the building. I have a question for you. Okay. If there was a world without cars, a horse is better than a bike? you. Okay. If there was a world without cars,

a horse is better than a bike? Yes. For sure. Because long distances, you're not doing the work. Over lots of terrain. Short distances, you're not doing the work. Medium distances. You don't have to feed a bike. No, but you still got to have maintenance. You don't have to saddle it. No. Well, you got to put a seat

on it. That's true. Also, I'm not going to love my bike. You know what I mean? I'm not going to be talking on my bike. You don't have to put your bike down. Yeah. Sorry, you got a little dark there. I thought you meant set it down. Now I get what you're saying.

It's like I would set my bike. Oh. Oh, okay. Snickers. All right. Is that the name of the horse? Yeah, Snickers. Snickers. It's a good would set my bike. Oh. Oh, okay. Snickers. All right. Is that the name of the horse? Yeah, Snickers. Snickers.

It's a good name. It was. It was his name. Oh, no. I knew that was going there. All right. What's your team? Final team.

Is it to me? No, you're just reading off your team. You just finished. I have one more pick. I have airplane, cruise ship, Segway, and a bicycle. So you really are getting to the airport on a Segway or a bike? That is right. Okay.

Which means I'm never getting to the airport. They're just going to sit there. But I will have a plane on that runway. All right, Mike. Close us out. We're throwing a practicality out the window. Was inspired, Andy. Okay.

practicality out the window, was inspired, Andy. Okay. I can't remember. You had made a comment about the family and the family helping you get around. And this is not an optimal thing. But what if my last pick was a piggyback ride? Okay. Let's go. Okay. Piggyback ride. Okay. Let's go.

Okay. You're taking the swine. I'm taking the piggyback. So wait, so you're getting carried around by other people. But piggyback. But piggyback style. Piggyback style. Which, I mean, you're a pretty big dude.

Yes. You're a pretty big dude. Yes. It's not practical. So it's probably not your wife, though. It's like you're finding strangers. It be okay or maybe this is how invulnerable mike feels in this draft he just drafted piggyback rides by his wife outstanding it is a form of transportation a piggyback ride is a great form of transfer i miss i miss when i got to do piggyback rides because at my size, I haven't found someone yet who can give me a piggyback ride.

Are you putting the call out? Yeah. I need a... JJ Watts in Arizona now, he can give me a piggyback ride. There's a handful. Shaq. Shaq could give me a piggyback ride if I could. I know he's got bad knees. Gulliver.

Gulliver. Gulliver. Gulliver? Yes. I don't know who Gulliver is. Gulliver. Gulliver. Gulliver? Yes. I don't know Gulliver. Gulliver's travel. That was a good literature joke. It was a great joke.

I don't think he's actually a giant. He went to a world of small people. Never mind. Gulliver couldn't handle it. All right. All right. Jason has no idea about that. Is this littered from a book?

It was. Yeah. Help me out. There was a Jack Black movie. There was a Ted Danson movie. There was a Ted Danson movie? TV special, Gulliver's Travels. That's how you know it?

Two-part series. All right. I think that about does it. What did we learn today? I learned something. I think this was the first time ever that all three of us individually got shut down on a pick in a draft. Right? Mr. Chariot, Mr. Golf Cart, and Mr. Jetpack got shut down because we couldn't figure out forms of transportation.

It's not because we couldn't figure out forms of transportation. It's because we gave them the business for that liar, liar $10,000 question. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that was it. That was it. All right, Mike. Did I learn anything today? I think you learned that chariots use horses.

I knew they did. I just didn't know that we would have such a stickler back there. Maybe I learned that. I learned Al Borland is a big, fat jerk. Whoa, get him. True words never spoke. And I learned today that the pizza joke from earlier was just too cheesy to tell.

Oh, we did it. I don't remember what the setup was. You're going to have to go back and listen, Mike. Until next time. Thank you for tuning in, everyone. We'll see you later. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.