Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: The Gamification of Urination and Choosing Each Other's Outfits - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

Spit Hit for March 14th, 2024: On this episode, tune in to hear all about our idea to gamify men’s restrooms, an extremely rude sounding conversation technique, and joining the poopy pants club. We also provide value with some real life education on how to kill wasps and how to use Brooks’ money to pull off the ultimate troll. Lastly, we make each other look ridiculous by drafting each other’s clothing items. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Whibbity-bop-bop-bobbity-bop-bop-ba-doop. Yes! Simplified it up a little bit. It was pretty simple, but I liked it. I mean, I don't know if I'm in a weird mood, but I liked that. Sometimes it's the simple things.

Now I know what I can go to to get Jason on board. It's rare that we have one. It was very rare. Jason on board. It's just, it's rare that we have one. It was very rare. And by very rare, I mean like I can't ever remember one where like the beginning, the middle and the end just kind of all worked. We always start strong or end strong and have just a massacre at some point. That was just simple and to it. I liked it.

Yeah. I mean, the brown brownie if you don't put the nuts in it it's just good through and through you you mix a few nuts in you're taking your chance oh you're pulling out the score pulling out the scorecards here yeah because that was a solid seven okay i mean i'll take a seven yeah yeah you know which is probably the highest grade we've ever got i mean i reserve 7, 8, 9 for the walnut brownies. That's fine. There was very little risk taken.

Exactly. Wait, wait, wait. Although I don't like walnut brownies. Are you saying, yeah, because you put walnut brownies at the high end of the 10. They're much worse than non-walnut brownies. Yeah, it was a bad example because the truth is all I'm saying is when you add more variables to the equation, it becomes riskier with a higher reward. I don't like walnuts in my brownies.

I should have gone with something else. That is what we just needed to clarify because the monsters that started putting nuts in brownies and then that just became the standard. It's shame on you. Is it a salty? It's big nuts. It is. It is.

Absolutely. They're everywhere, man. They're a real problem in our society ruin your foods one brownie at a time was it a salty sweet thing that they decided that they wanted to go with i don't mind salty and sweet that's great i know what i'm saying the problem is that where they formulated the yeah i believe we've learned sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don't yeah so they started making both when i'm eating something soft i sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Yeah. So they started making both. When I'm eating something soft, I don't feel like a crunchy hard.

Well, yes, you do sometimes. So you're a mounds guy. Yeah, I'm a mounds, not an all enjoy. You don't ever feel like a nut? Oh, I feel nutty all the time. Does anyone like those candy bars? No, no, no. I kind of do.

Oh, in mounds? Yeah, I kind of do like i kind of yeah i kind of do like mounds yeah okay when it when when halloween runs around and you know yeah when it runs around it runs all over the place it's on the loose again oh there goes halloween um when that happens and i'm raiding my children's candy you go for the mounds well yeah because i know they don't want them and i like them so it's great because they're not going to miss them they're like what is this coconut and i'm the one that gets made fun of for the antiquated candy takes yeah no i'm i am fully aware that the coconut mounds are not usually the pinnacle of people's preference welcome to the

spitballers podcast, Andy, Mike, and Jason with you. Would you rather situation room? And we are drafting. This was going to be fun. We are drafting clothing that you would like to make the other people wear all of the time. So I'm drafting to basically put four pieces of clothing on you guys for the

rest of your lives. Yeah. It's going to be fun. Mike has the first pick. And I've got a, I mean. There's a lot of good ones, but I'm very happy with my first pick. At SpitballersPod on Twitter. Jason knows what it is.

Probably, yeah. Let's get it going. Would you rather? Would you rather? Question coming in from Steve on the website. He says, during every conversation, would you rather? Would you rather question coming in from Steve on the website. He says, during every conversation, would you rather say now it's my turn to speak? Every time you start speaking. What are these questions? Or you say now it's your turn to speak every time you finish speaking.

So let's play this out here. Now it's your turn to speak, Jason. Well, now it's my time to speak every time you finish speaking so let's play this out here uh now it's your turn to speak jason well now it's my time to speak andy and uh i mean one of these things is unbelievably rude which one no no no i'm with you jason one of them is it could be seen as polite and the other could be seen as rude absolutely if i if i'm if i'm talking and i finish my sentence and i say okay now mike it's your time to speak that's fine what a polite person but if you're speaking and i said now it's my time to speak i thought that you were going to say that now it's my time to speak i thought you were going to say that your turn is the rude one no well i we still get to control the inflection a little bit right yes

if i'm saying well now it's your time to speak yeah that is far less i mean i can make it rude i could be like now it's your turn to speak that's rude but i i don't know how to unrued say declaring that it is now my time to speak hold on hold on hold on it now it's my time to speak. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Now it's my turn to speak. Oh, that's rude. That was so rude. That was super rude. That was your best example of not rude. Yeah, it sounded pretty insulting. That was super rude.

I felt attacked. I felt personally attacked. I felt fine delivering it. Well, that's a problem. Hold on, hold on. Now it's my turn to speak. No, you can't say it. That wasn't even better. i can't say it in a good way i'm trying now it's my turn to speak yeah yeah that feels a little rude well they're both terrible well

i'm not saying that i'm choosing the one where i where i hand the baton to the other person that's my final answer yeah because at the end of the day when you are making one of these declarations one of them is self-serving and one of them is giving even if they're both rude at at the end of one it's like you're either cutting somebody off but i'm i'm saying i'm taking the time now all eyes on me and now here i go it's just you can't do that that's all that's my fine answer sounds like you're the same for sure i'm the other way okay all right all right the way that what but it's now it's your turn to speak

that's thank you thank you no that felt great you're right it is am i taking crazy pills over here it just has a rude sound to it man yeah so brooks do you agree with uh with andy and i or do you agree more with mike no i'm with you too okay like that's the better of the two okay also mike hasn't done a lot of speaking in his life yeah i he tries to avoid it at all costs we're gonna teach you the show you the ropes mike i guess also al borland out of the building today that's right no one cares i'm sitting here thinking what funny thing can I say to at his expense? And you take care of it right away. Yeah.

You just walked right over. Oh, man. Alex from Patreon. Would you rather work in an office that smells strongly of urinal cakes or smells strongly of gasoline? Now, urinal cakes, that's not the smell of urine. No. That's the smell of the very strong anti-aroma that they attempt to have you urinate on. Yes, but also at the same time, then your brain fuses that smell.

That is a, yeah. So it smells like it's the clean urine. It's a pee-pee cake. Yeah, it smells like a pee-pee cake. It does smell like a pee-pee cake. Look, the women out there, you might never have. You want a pee-pee cake. Yeah, it smells like a pee-pee cake. It does smell like a pee-pee cake. I wanted to... Look, the women out there, you might never have... You want a pee-pee cake.

You might never have smelled a urinal cake, you know, because you don't use a urinal usually. Urinal cakes... So I was like, I wonder how they describe the scent of urinal cakes. I googled, what is the smell of a urinal cake? Good, good Google. Yeah, thank you. What do urinal cakes. I googled what is the smell of a urinal cake. Good. Good Google. Yeah. Thank you. What do urinal cakes smell like?

Most urinal cakes have a neutral or pleasant smell. No. And no. No, it does not. That is written by big urinal cakes. If it's right out of a package, sure. Before the peepee gets on it? Yeah, even a first couple peepees right the urinal case

got its fresh it's like you know it's like the plug the plugins on the wall the second you plug it in that first aroma you're good but it just loses so much of its scent when it gets peed on right if you pee on the wall on one of those plugins i mean in the end here it's getting peed on it's smelling to some degree like pee but i'd rather have the bathroom with them than without them oh for sure yeah it gives me a target i i think that's like the bigger thing for for guys because they're just so gross to try to hit the urinal okay Yeah, you have to put something. Have you seen the urinals where they put a fly? Oh, to get you to pee on the fly? Yeah.

It works. And it works. Brooks is nodding. They've done the studies. Oh, because more people will keep it. They talk to the restaurants, and they're like, is it cleaner after you've done this? And they say, oh, yeah, it's way cleaner.

They should make a urinal. I don't know what they're doing, like going hands up, just doing a little dance while they're taking a whiz. Maybe they think there's a fly on the floor. I'll get them. I mean, it does seem like people don't know how to use a urinal. And we used to work together in an office building with a shared bathroom across all the different suites.

And we even had, there were rumors of there was a- The pier. Yeah. The pier. That was what we coined this person, the pier. And every now and then you would walk into this mildly public restaurant. It wasn't a public restaurant, but this office complex is- Mildly public is a funny way to put it, but yes.

Because it's not like the average public is just coming in to use this it's not a gas station but it's still a public restaurant mildly mildly public and um every now and then you go in there and there's a lake there's just there's just you're walking into uh a real problem and in And then it's a self-perpetuating problem because you need to take... You need a distance from the urinal to not stand in it. Oh. Yeah, that was the real problem.

So you become the peer yourself. Yeah, because I mean, you can only lean so far from six feet away. And here's the thing. Why not make a urinal cake that's shaped like a target? Oh, absolutely. That's a good idea. Like with scores, and it should light up when you hit the right part Why not make a urinal cake that's shaped like a target? Oh, absolutely. That's a good idea.

Like with scores, and it should light up when you hit the right part. Put up a top score. Yeah, that would help. Oh, like those balloon games where you shoot the water into the clown's mouth. What if you are actually above the urinal? But there is a key. Why, above the urinal? Above the urinal.

No, no, no. That's not where your target is that would be a problem no but above the urinal is like a score tracker heck yeah and there's a little guy next there's a little hole in the in the in the back of the urinal where the fly usually is yes and it moves it tracks your piece so not only is this oh is it a volume thing, too? Yeah, it's accuracy and volume. It's like, guys, check this out. Do I score? It's like, you got 10,000? Yeah, I've been drinking all day.

How hydrated are you? I mean, that's incredible. And then it says the name of the person. You put in your initials. You see people shaking. You're like, dude, why don't you just go to the bathroom? No. No, no, no.

I'm going for a score. I'm going for the high score today, fellas. By the way. This is a big business on the way. Is Al back or is he not on the microphone? Oh, hooray. I'm here. Oh.

The people are very happy. We're so happy you're back. We said great things about you. I bet you did. The people missed you. Yeah. The people did. Yeah.

Show been good so far? No, it's been all right. It's better now. I would give it a 10. So far. We just went off on a urinal detour what do you think about this al uh a score tracker on urinals where it it tracks how accurate to the target and and the volume you have would you want to use that urinal more oh i'm in yeah you know how competitive i am oh this whole i will destroy you we would never drink more water volume eight stream strength six this is for health and and for sanitation

this is oh we'll just all be in there with super soakers trying to set the high score you know we'll be in there cheating again on the urinal? I'm sorry. This is just water. Yeah. All right. But by the way, the question was the smell of urinal cakes or gasoline. I'm going gasoline. I love the smell of gas. Oh, it is delightful. My wife would have gasoline at all times.

There is a problem, though, because I do as well. I'm one of the people that. Oh, you like it, too. The gas station smells. Oh, get some gas in here. Oh, but not that kind people that... Oh, you like it too? The gas station smells good. Oh, get some gas in here, Al. But... Not that kind of gas, Al. No, correct.

You think you like it, but then I had a road trip as a kid. I went up to a lake with some friends, and my buddy had to fill up... He was tasked with filling up the car, and it overflowed, and it got gas on his pants. Oh, boy. He's in the car. You do not like the smell. So at first, you think it's good, but got gas on his pants. And so he's in the car. You do not like the smell. So at first you think it's good, but then it's too much. If you just are getting like a little dose of it.

But if it really smells like gasoline, I mean, headache, you're nauseous, it becomes a really big problem. Is that why Mobil never came out with the little Glade plug-ins with their gas flavor? Is that gasoline? So you're thinking this is just the smell of it. Maybe it doesn't have the... If it's too strong, it's going to be a real big problem. Jason, do you have any other thoughts?

I am just looking up to see if anyone has a urinal high score machine built, whether any kind of video game urinal exists, because I think we're i think we're gonna be on to something big here i really do we gotta get the naming peep house oh not bad okay okay but that requires like multiple stalls yeah well i mean it's head to head yeah this is a game they're all in pairs it's three it's three pairs oh it's like top shot yeah okay i mean maybe you can get them in fours like when you have the race car games at the arcade. Yeah, and these are definitely eye contact is necessary. Wait, they're head to head that way?

Oh, yeah. Face to face? Wait, eye contact with each other? Yeah, the wall's in the way, but you can stare into your opponent's eyes. Okay. We're building different urinals over here, Mike. We'll have a different suite of options. Yeah, I mean, for different kinds of people.

Mildly public, fully public, all types of restrooms. Yeah, now mean for different kinds of people. Mildly public. Fully public. All types of restrooms. Now it's my time to talk. Yeah. That's pretty bad. Not bad still. Jonathan from Patreon. Would you rather Oh another pee one. Jonathan would you rather accidentally pee your pants once a month or poop your pants twice a year?

Oh man. You gotta pee your pants. I don't know. i don't know because 12 or 2 like both both of these instances i imagine it's it's an accident so it is when you're not expecting it and no matter what you're having to change the pants i was gonna say this is an emergency you got to get out and change them. Not for sure? You don't have to change after a pee accident? This is a full pee. This ain't a trickle.

I'm not saying that I don't want to change my pants. I would want to change my pants if I peed my pants, of course. But I could, like, if I didn't, it would dry in, this isn't like two hours later I'm going to be in pee pants. This is, oh my gosh, I can't believe. You're smelling bad. Don't hear what I'm not saying. I wish I had a pair of pants to change into.

But if I didn't, you can survive in pee pants. If you don't have a change of clothes with poop pants, what are you doing? Well, hold on. Assuming that it's a healthy BM and it's all together, couldn't you just toss the underpants and still just roll in commando? It's not going to be comfortable. Yeah, it's fine. But I think that you might be okay.

First of all, that is a wild assumption. I know. That you'll be comfortable? No, that it's a healthy solid bm okay because this could be if it's an accident it's probably that that's there's a couple assumptions there one uh the the healthy solid state uh to the underpants okay you think i'm not never going commando i mean i don't have to go well no no no that's a you no this isn't if you lose that

game you're wearing some underpants the rest of the year this is not just a me problem i know that all three of us have many shorts in our arsenal that have the built-in underwear okay so i mean that's like half of my shorts sure just but you got to carry a swiss army knife and just cut out the uh here's what i think would be really fun is that in both of these scenarios, there is a five second panic alarm that goes off audibly when this is about to happen. So you're out in the public, you're sitting at your,

you're sitting at the table and it's, you know, I don't know if we have the panic alarm here, but it's, it's going off audibly and then it happens and you've got no control. No, it's just turn the lights off. The lights lights go down there it is oh no here it comes and you don't have time it's five seconds i am would you sprinting to a bathroom immediately but but i i

mean by rule here there's no allowing of success right like you've got go. You've got to run to the bathroom and then go in your pants in the bathroom. Pooping. Pooping. Now would you sit down to do that? No. Just close on. I don't think you can sit down. No, because you're squishing. You've got to stand to poop.

I have proved that wrong. Yes. Where does it go? In the shorts. I mean, it goes around. Yeah. It finds a way. Life finds a way. Life finds a way.

I'm going poop my pants because in both scenarios, I have to throw everything away. I will definitely choose the pee my pants. You're going pee. Okay, Mike. That's the only one here with experience. Yeah, but when is the last time you peed your pants uh well i i just recently soaked my pants with toilet water yes which i'm sure that we can save that story for the next section yeah i'm sure there's a bunch more toilet related questions i've read ahead there's a toilet are you kidding me no it would this is our podcast

oh 95 pot of humor sorry everyone um but i i think uh because it's only twice it it's definitely worse but i'll take the poop your pants okay all right let's move on to the situation room The Situation Realm James from Patreon writes in, You are confronted with a hornet's nest outside of your front door. You are unable to use any sprays or gases that are commonly used to eliminate or calm them. And you are not allowed to call an exterminator. What creative method will you use to remove the threat?

Whoa. Now, the timing of this is wild. I guess maybe it's commonly used, but I'll ask you this. I guess maybe it's commonly used, but I'll ask you this. Did you guys know that soapy water is highly efficient at killing bees, wasps, and hornets? I did not know this. I saw one night just scrolling one of the socials, and it's some feller. He's got a Tupperware, and it's got a liquid in it i'm like okay what's going on here there's a hornet's nest or wasp nest just in like on the underside of a

patio walks up just holds it up just sits there for like a bowl of like a tupperware okay just tupperware holds it up for just a little bit of time takes takes it off, and then there's like eight dead wasps chilling in this thing, and the nest came down. I'm like, I got to look into this. Yeah, but you couldn't do that. No, no, no. You, Mike, could you do that? Oh, I mean, this is, you know how like some people watch like heights videos.

But don't climb. And they're like're like oh you feel that in your undercarriages everything tightens up that was me watching this this hornet video but faced with this situation i am now armed with this this weapon against the hornets i know it at least works so my my father that we get a lot of wasps in the pool and he will fill up a spray bottle and all that's in it is some Dove dish soap. There you go. And some water.

Yes. And he will spray them when they land on the water. They can't get out of the surface tension of the water. The soap messes something up. When I looked at it, because I'm like, this is a goof. This is just trying to get people stung by wasps. Like, yeah, hey, kids, soap and water. Try this out.

But they're saying we think it's because of like it close closes off their ability essentially to breathe and they just suffocate real fast now my initial since we're looking for creativity here my initial thought was hold grabbing a trash bag that's got you know how you can pull a trash bag that's got, you know, how you can pull a trash bag closed. Trying to throw that up on it and pulling it at the same time. Okay. And then having a nest inside of that bag. Now, aren't there wasps or hornets flying around this thing? It depends on the size. If it's just a small nest, then no.

I don't really know how wasps do their life. Yeah. Because I've seen wasp nests that are like one wasp it's they just murder it's what they do that's the hornets the murder hornets all wasps and horn which one are we talking about hornets right it's all they're all the same i would imagine that when you go to this nest it's not a docile lifeless nest yeah this is this is a problem you're yeah you you you have a swarm a swarm of hornets outside. I hear you.

My first creative plan. Shotgun. Got it. If they're swarming, it doesn't matter. I have no way to confront this. Well, not with that attitude. Yeah, thank you, Andy. There's a couple of options here.

No, there's not. Oh, absolutely. I've got two of them. Okay. One, for me, it has to be from distance. I have to have a projectile. I can't have a bowl of soapy water. I can't have a spray bottle of soapy water.

That's not distance enough. I'm using hose. I'm starting with my hose connected to the front yard and try to spray them from a distance. That's just water? That'll just tick them off, man. Well, I mean, I'm sure I'm spraying some dish soap on the oh i'm sure you are you got like a bubble now that i know this yeah like a little bubble wand shooting bubbles at him oh wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute plain water will do nothing but get you stung no listen now with this knowledge that you know look

there's nothing if not knowledge to be had on the Spitballers podcast. With this knowledge, wouldn't you think that, you know how you have those car wash attachments? It's basically just soap that you attach to your garden hose and you spray your car down. I bet you that kills hornets. That could work. I mean, that's a distant spray bottle of soapy water. But if you're presuming a swarm, you're not hitting them all. And some of them are going to get wild and loose and mad. Well, that brings me to my option two, because I know that there's not going to be 100% hit

rate on any kind of creativity of getting rid of this thing, and their problems could arise. And the wasp nest is still there. Yeah. So number two, call a realtor. They did not say anything about moving and just completely abandoning that house. It's got a great discount on it because there's no way. Active swarm discount.

Active swarm discount. Lock boxes on the back door. Al, do you know what the wait period is for a rocket launcher at your local? Do I get it delivered? Four to six weeks. Four to six. That's too long. Oh, that is Four to six weeks. Four to six. That's too long.

Oh, that is correct. That's too long to wait. I mean, you could... I mean, let's say you really have that problem right here, right now. All jokes aside, you just got home from work. You got to get into your house. I would break a window before I would...

Yeah, you find a different way in. You don't have that choice. You have to get in your front door. It is right in front of the front door. If have that choice. You have to get in your front door. It is right in front of the front door. If this is real. You have to get into your house. Once you close the door, the wasp nest disappears. If this is real.

But you've got to get in. And all jokes aside, I have to go in through the front door. It's the only way. All my windows are made of metal. I would 100% use, without a question, I would just use the tactic of sprint. Just sprint your way in. That's all I would do.

I would never try to fix the problem because I would cause a bigger problem. I know that for sure. I would just, I would do the tuck and run. You know, I'm going to be knees bent, body bent over, probably eyes closed, maybe running head first into a door hands out grab it go shut the door it's the only way i hope i don't get stuck you don't put your arms inside your shirt oh yeah oh smart whatever's in the car like if you have a maybe you got a hoodie maybe you got a towel but otherwise you aren't you can't address a swarm of hornets with nothingness. Okay. All right.

Argy the Argonaut from Patreon. A new law was just passed. Okay. Let's hear it. And you can now only eat everything plain. You cannot have cream in your coffee or ketchup on your hot dog or milk in your cereal. The government has kindly allowed you to choose one food or drink to have however you want. What item do you all choose? So something that needs an accoutrement.

Something to gussy it up a little. I mean, this is a little bit difficult because you have things. I'm surprised the milk and the cereal count as one. That was the first thought I had. That's not an accessory to your cereal. That's what's throwing me off now. What's a plain burrito? Right.

Bean and cheese. Okay. A bean and cheese burrito is very, very good. Plain burritos are excellent. Just bean. Still good. Still good. That tortilla.

Those beans are refried. You can't take enough stuff away from a burrito to make it not good. No, you just give me a tortilla. I'll be like, this is delicious. What is this, a burrito? This is just a, yeah, it's an open-faced burrito. He can't be stopped. I mean, I could get used to black coffee.

Yeah, I can handle it. I eat hot dogs plain. So do I. I like them. Guilty. I think they're good. You're a plain dog guy? Not always, but sometimes it's just not worth the fuss, so I grab one and I just eat it.

Right off the grill? Heck yeah. When it comes to, like, there's things that I like on a hot dog, but ketchup is not one of those things. I do not like ketchup on a hot dog. I have not eaten. I'd rather have some cheese on it. Oh, yeah.

This is really ironic, because I have not eaten a plain hot dog in as long as i've been alive until this last weekend because my family and i we built a campfire we roasted hot dogs on a campfire there you go and so then to get it off the stick i just put the bun like i grabbed the bun yeah yeah i just one thing led to another it was all done i just ate the the the grilled hot it was so good. It was really good. So hot dogs are not the choice here. Yes.

Now, if the milk cereal one is a real one, then, yeah, I'd say milk to my cereal would be my answer. Because you're that into cereal? I'm that into cereal. Big spoon, team. I tried, by the way. Let's circle back here.'s call back I did I tried to have a bowl of cereal with a small spoon

I'm not joking when I said it was it was one of the worst experiences of my life I couldn't do it I did about three or four bites and I went and I forcefully threw that small spoon into the sink and grabbed a big spoon. And then my life was back again.

But why was it bad? It was bad for a number of reasons. One, the milk cereal proportions, ridiculous. But they're exactly the same. They're not the same. You're saying that the ratio is different? I am. That's impossible.

No, no, no. Because a spoon's base, right? You fill milk up to the basically the horizontal line of a spoon. Right. But cereal stacks higher than it does proportionally on a small spoon to a big

spoon. So you actually get less milk per spoon bite. So you get more milk and more cereal at the same time. No, you get less milk. Why would you think you get more milk with a small spoon? I'm saying in a bigger spoon you get more milk and more cereal at the same time. No, you get less milk. Why would you think you'd get more milk with a small spoon? I'm saying in a bigger spoon, you get more milk and more cereal. No, you get more milk proportional to cereal. Trust me. Did either of you try the big spoon?

No, because my mouth. It's a normal-sized spoon. We took many polls. 60% of the population has no issue with this. Yeah, well, people do. No, Brooks. There are a lot of dumb do no no no brooks a smaller spoon to not prevent a t-shirt spill thank you very much i can spill with either one anyways what was the question i don't know something about milk and cereal you have to eat stuff plain now so i think

that the answer to me would 100 be bread bread has to have something on it. Oh, yeah, without butter. It's got to have butter. If it's for dinner, it's got to have jelly if it's its own thing. Like, just eating a slice. When's the last time you just had a slice of bread? Just bread. A lot. What?

Yeah, a lot, a lot. You just grab a slice of bread and eat it? Not a slice of bread. No, I mean you dip it into soup or something. Well, that's not. You can't do that. That's what I'm saying. You said when's the last time I didn't put it into soup or something. Well, that's – You can't do that. That's what I'm saying. You said when's the last time I didn't put anything on the –

Okay. Well, no, you were like, you know, what did you just eat the bread without it? I was thinking specifically butter, but yes. I mean – I can eat a hunk of sourdough without anything on it. How about some plain white bread? Just white sandwich bread. No, I won't do that.

When you sit down to dinner and there's bread being served with the meal are you responsible for your own addition of the butter or does it if someone served me bread if someone served me yeah pre-butter is what i'm asking about if someone served me bread at dinner that did not come pre-bread or toasted or made up, then that is a bad host. Wait, what? So you're saying I'm trying to, this is what I was asking. I've never had. So you're a, you're a bad, someone sets down a basket of bread.

Yeah, that's a normal thing. You're saying what has to have been done? Well, there's a difference. You just changed. A basket of rolls? Yeah, that's fine. That's different. A basket of bread or rolls, that's self. That's different. A basket of bread or rolls, that's self-buttered.

Okay. But if you are serving bread alongside a dish, that needs to be like pre-toasted or buttered or taken care of. You don't just put a plate of spaghetti out there and throw them a slice of white bread. Oh, okay. Yeah, all right, sure. I mean, that's... Yeah. This is how we do it. Yeah, clearly. I sure. I mean, that's... Yeah, this is how we do it.

Yeah, clearly. I didn't know that that was a problem. I didn't know people were just handing out plain slices of bread with dinner. They aren't, but in this world, for this question, they would. Nobody's handing out plain slices of bread. So I'm saying the one thing I don't want to have happen to me is have them in like you're getting so mad it's something that's never happened exactly but but could you imagine if it did it's a hypothetical question i'd have to butter it myself i'd have to walk to the toaster

uh we need to move on to a new question. Al, since you're back, do you want to weigh in on whether I should do the third or the fourth question? Because they look very different in length. They are very different. Let's go with the fourth one. All right. Dr. Poison on Patreon says, Brooks decided to spend some money of his fortune on hiring a sign spinner to help you troll somebody. Who do you troll, and what does the sign say?

Who do you troll? So you've got to, first you've got to figure out the who. Yep. And the who, there's only two avenues I could see that make sense. One is a person that would accept the troll. Right? Because not everybody would find this funny. I've already got mine figured out. Or someone you really dislike.

You know what I mean? Like, I don't care. I'm trolling them hardcore. So, you've got yours figured out, Andy. Yeah. No, I'm having a sign spinner stroll over to Mike's street. I need two sign spinners because I need one standing on the corner pointing towards his house and one right in front of your house.

If you don't mind. Brooks is good for two. He's good for two. He's got the money. And all it says is come in for coffee and conversation. So you've got a stream of strangers just rolling in wanting to just shoot the breeze with Mike

right. A man of many words. Yeah. I mean, is that a bad day, Mike? Or is that a bad day? Yeah. The only thing I could think that might be worse is if you're, if I'm like sitting somewhere and you're like spinning aside, that says like free hugs. Okay. Oh, yeah. See, that's a great idea. Can I make a little upgrade on it? Of course you can. Brooks has got the cash. I don't think that people are going to obey that sign and come into someone's house for free conversation.

The free coffee. Let's just call it an open house. Huh? You know what I mean? Even though he's not selling his place? He's not selling his place. But there's a sign it an open house. Huh? You know what I mean? Even though he's not selling his place? Absolutely. He's not selling his place. But there's a sign that says open house.

People just walk right into that. How good a troll is that? That's a really good troll. Like, this is a legit troll you could do. They sell those open house signs everywhere. We used to be realtors. That would be a really funny troll. Go get an open house sign and put them at someone's porch

and then on their driveway and down the street and see what happens. I did something similar to somebody once. A good friend, Brandon. Okay. And I, as a form of trolling

because we were going back and forth, I did list a room for his house for rent on Craigslist. Oh, man. And his car for sale on Craigslist. And he got his phone number with his phone number. And he received texts and calls for hours because he wasn't in control of the list. It was pretty good. That's good.

But he had to beg me to stop. And that is this is something that don't do this. No, no, no, no, no. You of course, to stop. And that is, this is something that. Don't do this at home. No, no, no, no, no. You, of course, like I could not imagine doing that. But I could totally imagine having done that. You know, when you're a young, a young growing boy, you do some stupid things. I look back at some of the things I did as a teenager or in my early 20s.

I just can't believe it. I'm like, no, I did not do, but I did as a teenager or in my early 20s. I just can't believe it. I'm like, no, I did not do it. But I did do that. What is my son or my sons and my daughter, what are they going to do in another decade when they... Shenanigans. Oh, man, I've got to have grace and a memory of my own youth. Fair enough.

So do you guys have any other ideas for sign spinning? No, I like the open house. That's a good one. Let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. Well, I think this will be a fun draft in part because I imagine Al may attempt to recreate some of these outfits. Sure. For maybe the thumbnail on this on this show.

Possible. But we are drafting clothing that we would like to make the other person wear all of the time. So, Mike, and we're including accessories, anything you would wear as an accessory. We are going to be giving to one another. And Mike, you get to make the first pick there's a clear 101 is there yeah i think so i'm gonna start at the top which means at the top of the the head oh okay um yeah so we have just have a are certain circumstances where this this hat is awesome like

it is a it can be a legendary hat like my dude indiana jones he wears a fedora and you're like man if i could look that cool yeah if i could pull off a fedora. If I could pull it off, except the problem is nobody, nobody in the modern day of society can pull off a fedora. You look like a douche. I have proven that. And we just keep trying. We keep trying to put the hat on. And you're like, no, it looks bad.

If you're wearing a fedora right now, I'm sorry that I have to tell you this. No one's wearing a fedora. There are people out there. They sell fedoras for a reason somebody's buying them there are people out there wearing fedoras and i'm sorry you look bad i think fedora is in the it's in in the five percent range of when people start to lose their hair and they're considering alternative options i think the fedora that's where they get bought i just remembered uh last week so you're going with fedora obviously yeah last week and i was uh up north with a friend and we went to an ice cream shop and he he comes up to me oh no and he taps me on the shoulder says hey i want you to know

we're close enough friends i will never ever let you wear something like that and then i look over and this man had a fedora with a with a feather in the with a feather in it and it was not like an ironic joke or gag this is what that dude was wearing and he looked exactly as bad as as anyone wearing a fedora with a feather in the cap. So, yeah, there are people that do try it. Because I understand. I understand the desire. I want to wear the Indiana Jones hat, but it just doesn't work unless you are a rugged explorer or you're solving,

you're looking at ancient history and civilizations. Yeah, you got to be an archaeologist or something therein. And have a whip. What was your number one that you thought Mike would take? My number one, I think this would be, you know, if this is what you got to wear for now, forever, it could be a real problem. It's a Speedo. I mean, if you're wearing a Speedo that you've got your options are limited for life so just a speedo you just got a speedo on that would be some workout motivation i think

enjoy life my first thought is like if if i'm stuck in a speedo i am my legs are very strong yeah i'm very very strong. Not my 101. So we all have a different 101. I just like the idea of you having to wear this the rest of your life. You're going to wear a corset. Okay. Okay. You're strapping in.

Oh, suck it in. I love it. And maybe this helps the aesthetic. This couldn't hurt it. But the breathing is going to be an issue. You are correct. You are correct. And then to go with the corset, I mean, I've got a number of options.

But look, I don't know if these are actually really comfortable. And I'm not aware of it because I've never put them on. But I imagine with hairy legs, they're less comfortable. I'm going with pantyhose. Yeah. I would imagine that's a problem with with hairy legs, they're less comfortable. I'm going with pantyhose. Yeah. I would imagine that's a problem with the hairy legs. Yeah. You're going to rip them apart, I would think.

Well, you got new pairs. I mean, it's ever replenished. Every day is a fresh pair. Okay. I don't think the hair will affect that. Well, the thighs rubbing together sure would. So, you know, either way, I'm working my way through these things. So, you've got a corset and some pantyhose on.

Beautiful. I am going to go. No, this isn't back to me. Yeah, yeah, you're up. It is back to me. Okay. So I'm going the complete opposite route. Last time, last time I put you in a speedo.

Right. And that's. Moments ago. Just moments ago. You might remember. If you're old enough to remember, I drafted a speedo moments ago. I was there. The problem with that is you are too bare to the world. Yeah, you're very exposed.

You could be very cold. There's a lot of problems. But I'm going to go the exact opposite way. I'm going to put you in too much. And for the rest of your life, you're going to be in a scuba suit. What? Scuba Steve. But now the Speedo is not a problem.

The Speedo's hidden. Well, I mean, so we have to build. We're not just drafting things to make people wear? No, this is one outfit. I did not realize we were drafting just a singular outfit. That corset and the pantyhose, they go together. You can make us go, you know, like Superman style. Okay.

So the Speedos on the outside. No, no, that's fine. I will. But a scuba suit. I will adjust. Speedos outside the scuba suit. Now go with it, man. That works.

That's literally a superhero costume. That's the tightest Speedo you've ever had. No, no, no. All right. I didn't realize we were drafting like one complete that's how he's making his uh his picture all right i'm back well in that case you got your speedo and that's a problem and now you're gonna wear a choker okay okay just a little you know the necklace that is a 90s joker 90s joker now is, is that with the spikes? No, no, no, no.

Oh, okay. It's really nice. It's probably, it could be lace. I would allow that. If you stop by like Hot Topic or Claire's and you'll find some chokers. I think that they. Did IU ever wear one? No.

No. Probably not. No, I don't think you would ever have worn a choker. But if you had and there's pictures, I would love to see it. Yeah. Generally, girls wear them. I'm seeing it. They came back.

Honestly, they came back in style, which I don't know. The whole 90s have come. I feel like I'd be claustrophobic in that. You would. It would be tight on the neck. Due to the choking. I went out with the kids. We went to this indoor rec center type of a place.

What the kids are wearing these days, fellas. They are wearing exactly what we wore when we were young. And I'm like, what the heck is going on? Dude, we're old now. It's all full circle. Yeah, so our style is back, which is pretty fun. Okay. So I have the fedora.

We're going to match it with a top that is just, it goes, I mean, if you're wearing a fedora, you might as well have this on. And we're talking about an Ed Hardy t-shirt. Oh man. I had a lot of Ed Hardy t-shirts. I did. Yes, you did. Yes.

I mean, like there was a window where we're like, oh, that's kind of cool. I did. Yes, you did. Yes. I mean, there was a window where we were like, oh, that's kind of cool. Affliction, t-shirts. I remember you wearing them. Oh, yeah. You were an MMA bro. I was. I was a huge MMA bro. Yeah, this is Ed Hardy's special materials.

That is. I'm looking it up. All right, Mike. So you got a fedora and an Ed Hardy t-shirt, which that combination is great. Yeah, we're looking pretty good. And then even though the youths, maybe we will reach this level based off the way trends go. We probably will. But for us, it would not work.

So you got your fedora. You got your Ed Hardy t-shirt on. And you got your JNCO shorts on. So you are just rocking the baggiest of baggy of baggy shorts. And they are shorts. The JNCO is basically an opposite of a Speedo, as much as you can be. I'm talking mid-shin. Oh, yeah.

A leg that is wide enough that your whole body could fit into. A watermelon has to be able to fit in the bottom of those pants. And that just is the exact, the person that wears the JNCO is the exact opposite of the person that wears the Ed Hardy shirt. So those going together, because I would imagine this Ed Hardy shirt's tight. Yeah, he's wearing Wranglers. Yeah. Well, no, you're wearing, they're like the real sparkly jeans.

They're a bit bedazzled on the back. Okay, so you got a fedora Ed Ed Hardy t-shirt, and JNCO shorts. Jason, your person is in a Speedo and a choker, so not a lot is left to the imagination right now. No, and I'm not going to want to cover any of this masterpiece. So I'm going to leave them exposed. I got to go all the way down to the feet. And if I can't have the whole scoop of gear, I'm going fl okay now we're talking you're walking around yeah and and if you have not experienced trying to walk in flippers it isn't the easiest thing you generally speaking end up walking

backwards yes oh really that's easiest it is much easier to walk backwards and forward so enjoy walking backwards where everyone could see more of you thanks to the Speedo. Okay, I like it. My final two picks. You're in a corset with pantyhose on. What goes better with those two? Sure.

Then a pair of mittens. You're wearing mittens the rest of your life, and these aren't gloves. These are the four-finger mittens. You of your life and we're not these aren't gloves oh these are the four finger mittens you have the you have just one digit somebody decided this would be way easier to make and they did they made them just it's just a pocket for your fingers and your thumbs and then i'm going to combine that with look you you've inspired me jason i'd like dealing with the footwear so why not some ice skates anywhere anytime parts of the year i mean

maybe you have to live in a certain climate to get any benefit from them but when you go into the bar and ask the bartender for a drink with your mittens and your ice skates on it's gonna be a little awkward you know what is nice about having the ice skates is it's a i'm taller you know what i mean it's a real no roller coasters that you can't get on that's right i well i might have a problem like walking up to them because of the ice skates but what but i will be legally allowed but based on height requirements to ride that coaster we approached this draft very differently you guys went with with function and i went with styling yeah well my entire list was completely different because i didn't realize i was building one outfit but i'm loving what i'm doing here no it's good work

so far and i i'm gonna complete the whole set you got the choker you got uh first of all this speedo is is certainly black everything is but I'm building a gothic Speedo. Black flippers? It's at least a business. Black flippers, yes. Business Speedo. A business Speedo, exactly. I was thinking gothic, but this is what you're going to work in as well,

so it's definitely a business Speedo. So I am going to take the spiked leather wristbands as well because I think that will go really nice with the choker. And I just, once you start. He's a very disturbing person you've made. Well, that's the thing. Walk around in that and see the looks you're going to get. Because once you start with Speedo, you don't have a lot of other options.

Because everything covers it. So I had to go extremities to make sure that my first pick was secure. Okay. I think there was some tops you could have gone with. Yeah. Could have. But he didn't. I had to go extremities to make sure that my first pick was secure. Okay. I think there was some tops you could have gone with. Yeah. Could have. But he didn't.

And, yeah, you better work out, Mr. Speedo Choker Scuba Spike. I ain't wearing this. You guys are. All right, Mike, you get to round out your picks here. What's the final item? All right. All right. So we will go man. Now I'm trying to think of it just what makes this the most ridiculous. So we got the Fedora got the Ed Hardy. We

got the Jinko and for the footwear I mean we'll just we'll go with some good old fashioned Birkenstocks. What are Birkenstocks? Let's do a Google search. Birkenstocks are a particular set of like sandals. The sandals with the with a bunch of straps. OK. Those are comfy. I don't think I've ever worn them.

You've really you've really made a heck of a guy here or gal because that's's not that's not a good look yeah there's a little bit of a mismatch there i wasn't sure if you did go full styling here i wasn't sure if i should go you know socks and sandals cowboy boots but i like it i like the birkenstocks with the with the with the g-coats very nice i i had a few things that i thought would be interesting. I'm sad I didn't get any of you guys into a huge gold chain. Oh, yeah. Very weighty. Very uncomfortable. Right.

That size. I thought about a super tall top hat just for, I mean, that's pretty inconvenient. Yeah. Thought about some high heels to walk around in. I couldn't do it. Nope. And then some transition glasses transition lenses transition lenses I've had those before feels like a condemnation to the darkness wait did we have

the lenses and the Ed Hardy no oh yes they were not the same they were so close together they were they were near each other but uh yeah the other stuff I had, you know, I had like a tuxedo and a romper. Right. And overalls, just completely different outfits, not things that would go together. I do see one that I regret to have not been looking at my list when I picked because it would have fit my outfit, which is an ankle monitor. You know what I mean?'re you see one of those yeah it sends up the flares if the thong didn't do it right i mean the speedo oh that the thong would have been a good pick too imagine like someone trying to trendset with that like a fake a fake ankle monitor you're like no this is any way to

explain an ankle monitor away uh is there any excuse for anybody you can't go anywhere yeah but if you run into somebody at the movie theater like what's the what's your go-to line if you got an ankle this is cool now oh that's i opted in yeah. You're not wearing one? Yeah. Okay. My girl likes to see where I'm at. I had a deep V-neck. Oh, yeah. And then, Jason, you could have gone with this, a mock turtleneck. Ooh, yeah. Put that with your Speedo combo.

That would have been pretty hot. Brooks throwing in a cape. A cape is outstanding. Make him wear a cape. Oh, man. A cape with a fedora. Monocle would have been nice. There's a lot of ideas.

Maybe a grill where just ice out those teeth. We would look stupid. Yeah. What did we learn today? I learned that there is a huge opportunity in the future of men's restrooms with the video gamification of urinals. Gamification of urination?

Gamification of urination. I learned that Jason will not tolerate unbuttered bread. No, I will not. And untoasted as well. And I learned apparently, if you say now it's your turn to speak, somehow that's just so much ruder say now it's your turn to speak, somehow that's just so much ruder

than now it's my turn to speak. Mike, Mike. Now it's my turn to speak. Yeah, okay. That's way ruder. I don't know about that. Mike, it's my turn to speak. Yeah, okay, continue.

Goodbye, everybody. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.