Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: The Great Bee Sting & Childish Insults - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

Spit Hit for February 29th, 2024: Today we talk about push-up efficacy, eating boogers, and The Goodwill Phenomenon. We also have some Liar, Liar on the show! Then we go back to grade school and draft some iconic childish insults. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. you know uh welcome into the spit bars podcast i was watching you on on the monitor and you're the normal uh preparations for the scat, what you do, you have your eyes closed. You have a very specific bob where you're trying to feel the music. And I'm watching the monitor, and you're just staring at your laptop. You are not connecting to the... Up to the buzzer. And I'm like, does Jason even remember that it is his turn?

And judging by the scat, it seemed like you did not. So I knew it was my turn. Well aware. And, you know, was going to hop in and do just the best scat when the time comes. You were going to. There was the plan. Unfortunately, I was reading. I was reading on my laptop. And, you know, I was like, I'll have time. I thought you were saying you were reading the script to your scat.

And that's what you wrote up. That would be even worse. No, so I was like, I thought I had more time to read something that was on my laptop. Turns out I didn't, and then I just fell down a mountain. It was a lot of fun. I can honestly say that was one of the most fun scats I did, while also saying that might be the worst one i've ever done so for our thousands see that the the tens of thousands of spit ones that was fun for one person yeah

spitballers episode 234 welcome in annie mike and jason al borland judge tiamati in the house would you rather liar liar oh yeah baby hey yeah, baby. Hey, I'm a draft today. I got to tell you something. So we're making lunch earlier. I'm in the kitchen. Jeremy already is like, oh, he's going to say this out loud because you're a chef. Yeah, I am a chef. I was cooking, you know, a gourmet meal of some shrimp and pasta.

But Jeremy walks in, Al Borland himself and he just goes i'm so nervous i was like why it's uh it's just i always get really nervous on liar liar days this was hours ago that he was freaking out about i said stressed not nervous oh i'm so sorry wow so you get you get a little bit sweaty When it's liar liar time I do yeah Afraid that you're going to be beaten Like it's not good enough

Just stressed What is the stress level Now that In recent history we have I mean the streak's over We have beaten you Yeah there's that asterisk Asterisk Now that in recent history we have. I mean, the streak's over. We have beaten you. Yeah, there's that asterisk.

Okay, okay. Asterisk. Every time you've been beaten, it's an asterisk. So far it's a one-off, so we'll see. All right, well, we'll find out today. But it was recent. It's going to be fun. We'll get into that shortly. Let's start with some Would You Rather.

Would You Rather. All right, Alexander from the website. Would you rather? Would you rather? All right, Alexander from the website, would you rather have to do 150 push-ups or run one mile every day? Oh. So it's a daily task. So at first I was like, there's there's benefits to both there's cons to both and and while i think about it further i believe there is only a benefit to one and it is a great benefit and there are massive awful downsides to the other for me

oh i was going to ask you. There's benefits for both. There's two follow-ups to this question, or maybe things to evaluate through the lens of. One, if you could just choose, which would you rather have the results of for free every day? And the other question is, which would actually take you more time to accomplish? Which I have to imagine the push-ups are going to take more time.

For sure. Because you're doing sets, right? You're going to be doing 10. To get to 150, maybe you're doing 10 at a time. You're going to go further? Maybe you start with 20. I don't know. But I'm guessing you're doing some sets 25 at a time.

You're probably doing 15 at a time. Okay. And you do 10 sets. You're not doing those all right in a time. You're probably doing 15 at a time. Okay. And you do 10 sets. You're not doing those all right in a row. 10 sets of 15. You're probably breaking it up morning, noon, and night. That's a lot of push-ups, man. That's a lot of push-ups.

That's a lot of push-ups. I'm doing 15 sets of 10. Yeah. Not 10 sets of 15. I think that's the smarter way to go. Because I think I'm going to run out of gas. Yeah. What you've got to do is you've got to do 50 in the morning,

50 in the middle of the day, and 50 at night. No, you're right. You're right. But the results of running a mile, like just the benefits, that is nothing. There is absolutely no benefit to one mile a day. That's false. And if you just get your alarm for this and you just turn and you just, it's only a mile.

In my opinion, one mile is whatever you got on, you can do it. You don't got to get dressed up for a mile. So just turn and run at the door and hit that mile in a loop and come right back. Ten minutes max, you're back at your front door it's over if i is that why you don't think it'll do anything for you is because it's only 10 minutes of time yeah well yeah i mean that's part of it if i live my lifestyle that i live right now i don't change my eating habits i don't change anything else i just happen to run a mile every day my cardio will improve obviously i'm running a mile every day so there's okay that's a little better i'm not changing my body shape that's not going to

happen a mile a day are you sure i'm a hundred with that attitude now with not with my eating habits no way it's it's not enough exercise in a cardio fashion to actually calorically change i mean maybe maybe i'm five maybe i'm five pounds less so i stopped it could stop it burns 100 miles army sorry 100 calories exactly running a mile is going to burn 100 stop the expansion though sure stave off the inevitable compare that we're all really just looking to stop getting larger at this point. I've got to get smaller. But compare that to if you did 150 push-ups a day. Yeah.

You're jacked. You are straight up jacked. Your arms are going to be looking good. You're going to be more muscular. And honestly. You won't get jacked. You'll look toned. 100 push-ups burn 30 to 50 calories.

But you grow muscle. You grow muscle. I'm just bringing it up. Over time, I might lose more weight doing 150 push-ups, having muscles that are just taking more energy through the day. I think I would look better. I would be stronger. There would be a lot more results from push-ups than one mile a day. I feel like.

I think you're overlooking the health benefits of running a mile a day. Why don't we all just do 150 push-ups than one mile a day i feel like i think yeah i think you're over looking the health benefits of why don't we all just do 150 push-ups a day though yeah because we could do that real not not like easily like like doing 50 doing 50 is not a big deal so like i it's done i'm not saying in one right like we did that a long time ago in the office where we did build up to doing 50 in one like take 30 minutes and you could knock out 50 push-ups less than that how long do you think it'll take you to do for i did 50 like a couple weeks ago it wasn't the best time um but it doesn't take but it doesn't take no 30 minutes it's like three sets with army sorry five sets with like a minute in between each set okay Okay. So you're talking about 15 minutes or something? Yeah, maybe even less.

Maybe less. Yeah. And you just do that three times. I feel like you could do that three times a day. Now, Al, you said that. Right, but you said you could do a mile in 10 minutes. That's accurate, yeah. But I mean, if you're agreeing with Jason's premise that it's more beneficial for you,

I was kind of saying, why don't we do this? But the other- Because you don't want to get down on the ground. And push your body weight up into the air. Have you ever sat down on a couch? Yeah, but the best collapse ever, the most cozy collapse, is the push-up collapse. Right into the ground for a nap.

Hal, do you do push-ups every day? Most days. You do? Yeah. How many? For real? for real I do okay so I I retract what I said oh my I mean I thought if you do push-ups every day you could tell Jeremy you look good thank you you look I followed you immediately the jokes aside I only asked because I thought you probably did oh yeah I don't do 150 but I usually do sets of

20 to 25, two to three times a day. Wait, you separate them out like before bed and after you wake up for years, Jason. Um, yeah, I love you.

I love you too. I don't love your tone. I miss, this is a moment going on. I want to back away from, I, I, I, I really thought that I would get more out of push-ups.

I mean, he's not doing 150 miles. Yeah, no, that's what it is. I would love to have. Jeremy's a very, very strong strapping young man. This is just. Do you run a mile every day not at all oh man which one do in your opinion do you think would be more beneficial running see i i agree i think it's the running overall okay i i i think this is a stupid cop out that i hate when people say i'm going to totally say it though but for my weight i feel like if I went out to run a mile, I run a mile every day, my knees are not surviving.

You're not running straight for the whole mile every single time. You should be a walker. Yeah, power walk. It'd be better to walk five miles than to run one for both your knees and for your cardio, I would assume. Yeah, but not for the time. No, not for the time. That's a long time.

What's walking a mile is probably like 15 minutes? Yeah, probably. I'm guessing 12. Maybe longer, huh? Closer to 20. Really? Really? If you're just walking?

I mean, not power walking? Yeah. Yeah. All right. So we committing to the 150? No, I'm running a mile. Yeah, Jason. Jason got some new information.

You guys are the worst. Hey, don't ill on me. Yeah, you're right. Jason's the worst. I've been nothing but supportive. I agree. Thank you, Andy. I don't mean to be insulting.

It's just mind-blowing. Oh, man. You thought Liar Liar was going to be the problem on this episode. This one's going into the annals of history. Wow. I can't wait for this draft for you guys to give me some names to call Jason. Oh, I'll give you some names. I got a good one on my list for me.

John from Patreon, would you rather step on a Lego barefoot at a random point in your morning every day or get stung by a bee once a week at random? Now, this premise is very funny to me because, you know, we all get used to like good things, bad things in life, right? Like, you know, there are certain things that you have to deal with. That's just part, bad things in life, right? There are certain things that you have to deal with. That's just part of being a human being, right? We all go to the bathroom and these functions of life. And if part of my routine in life was I always have an unexpected stepping on a Lego at a random point in the morning, I guess you just get used to it. Just every day. It's not necessarily the morning.

But that means that if you go through the morning and you... It says a random point in your morning. Oh, I just... You thought a random part of your foot? No, I just saw every day. Oh, I got you. So I was thinking if you go to work

and you're like, wait, I haven't stepped on the Lego yet. Well, you're not working... Oh, crap. You're not doing your workout in the morning in this world. Well, yeah. Because I to do don't do a barefoot one workout and shoot you shouldn't work out barefoot oh it's barefoot oh okay okay it just manifests inside of your shoe oh man that would be i was picturing it's gone you're running the mile and you're waiting for

that foot to come down i have never been stung by a bee i have never been stung i've never either i that isn't that has to be i assume i'm allergic when i tell that keeps me safe when i tell people that i haven't been stung by a bee they're always shocked you have three people here that have never been okay there's no way al has never been i have been stung by a bee yeah brooksie yeah that's wild guys isn't that crazy yeah i i remember growing up keeps you safe children i remember growing up being told that everyone did you get stuck have you been yeah most people get stung yeah uh growing up i don't have any skills dangerous stay away from like in in your life you will break a bone and you will get stung

by a bee those are guarantees like that's what I was told growing up. And I fully assumed that you had been stung by a bee. Yeah, no, I have not. My kids have all been stung multiple times. Yeah? My daughter was stung in the face. Oh, man. Yeah.

Like where? On the chin. Like cheek or chin? No, on the chin. It was in a pool. The bee was just like on the water. Yeah. She came up.

The bees are terrible. I mean, we're about the 40-year-old age. Right around. Give or take. So that's a combined 120 years of not being stung by a bee. And any of us three could be horribly allergic, and we don't even know. Probably are. Probably are.

That being said are we one of us is dying by beast it's the only way oh my girl style oh was that too soon too soon for a sweet what when was that early 90s yeah i don't even know what you're talking about what you don't know the micro 91 macaulay culkin that movie yeah so sad um why is it sad because she dies from a bee sting yes he isn't it's he I thought it was Culkin I've never even seen the movie now Macaulay Culkin was the bee in this movie yes I've never seen this it's all just a metaphor it's all just a matter. I thought it was Culkin. No, he's definitely in that movie.

No, he is in the movie, but I think it's the girl that dies. What? I thought it was the girl that dies. Hold on. This is going to blow my mind. I've lived my entire life never seeing that movie, never trying to see that movie. Wait, so you haven't even seen it, and you're getting mad at me? I just have some assumptions.

My girl's bee sting. Oh, yeah, it's the boy. the boy yeah okay you've seen the movie no i never saw oh i did i loved that movie but apparently i remembered it wrong he is killed by the bees due to his allergy all right this is not a good topic yeah let's lighten it back up no no we just children stay away from bees oh boy oh People in general. Bees are the worst. I'm not going with this bee sting thing. I am going the bee sting. Are you?

Because it's once a week. Once a week. It's any part of your body. You don't know. I actually prefer that. I prefer the complete randomness of where it could be. Every single day, stepping on the Lego. It'll be fine.

I feel like my feet are gonna be torn up yeah this doesn't make you immune to bees other than the one sting a week right right so you can't like go running through like beehives you're guaranteed one minimum one yeah but i mean maximum a million i think there's no limit really funny to just see at random in life i could be sitting here right now and then just get basically a little electrocution that you don't know what's happening yeah so i'm used to it yeah i mean it's um yeah the the bee sting thing is weird because i know the bees killing itself by choosing to attack me so in some ways I find it insulting that I haven't yet to be stung. You weren't worthy enough of a bee sting?

Yeah. Bees are psychotic, man. They don't know what they're doing. They've got to be making a choice. They're flying by the three of us and they're going, not today. They're not supposed to be able to fly, like just aerodynamics. Because of those cabooses? Because bees don't make sense Because bees don't make sense.

They don't make sense. All right, yeah. They make honey. Oh, okay. All right. They make that schmoney. Steve from the website, would you rather communicate? Oh, wait.

We didn't officially vote. I'm going. Oh, I'm taking the Lego. I'll take the bee sting. All right. Steve from the website, would you rather communicate exclusively through singing with your wife or your children? So you have to choose. Do you sing only to your wife or only to your children?

Man, I think it's really hard to yell properly while singing. Oh, no. Because part of, would you consider, like, you know, like. Get your laundry off the floor. No, no, like, so a band like Slipknot, like a new metal band. There's a lot of singing, and there is a lot of shouting. Okay, so you're saying I could be like, put on your shoes! Well, yeah, I mean, that's not really-

Put on your shoes. Yeah. Put on your shoes. That's not singing. How is that not singing? I decided it wasn't. I kind of agree with Andy on that. What?

Yeah. I think there are some people that would be very upset with that tape. I'm confused. How is that not singing? Because I can do it right now. No, now you were just talking. What you did before, you were being... You were rhythmically...

Oh, so it's your rhythm. You were modulating your tone. There was no melody. So? Okay. I guess if you sing poorly, it's still singing. I have heard some pretty amazing metal or screamo singers that the voice that comes out when they talk and the voice that comes out when they yell sing, it's pretty impressive.

Got to get the technique down so but anyways your kids or your wife i feel like i'm gonna talk to my wife a lot more over the rest of my life than to my children as sad as that is no it's probably true no i, I know. I'm saying that's true. It's sad, but it's true because, you know, how often do I talk to my dad now? I love my father. He's awesome. Well, your wife's not leaving when your kids turn 18 either.

Exactly. That's my point. This is, you know, I hope to be married to my wife, you know, until I depart. Until the bee sting. Until the bee sting. Until the great bee sting. So I feel like I've got. Until the bee sting. Until the great bee sting. So I feel like I've got to pick the kids here just fine. It's a little bee with a sickle.

I was imagining just a giant bee. This thing is three feet around. This is going to hurt really bad. Sorry. You're going with your wife. Why does a bee talk like that? I don't know. Like their body makes the buzz sound.

So why does their voice do it? Yeah, no, I'm not going. It is your time. I'm not going with the wife. I'm going to speak to my wife and sing to my kids. Oh, I got you. Gotcha. That makes sense.

I think I'm with you on that. The great bee sting at the end of our lives. I hope my wife and I both get stung at the same time. At the same time. Like the notebook. The ending of such a great movie. It was the great bee sting. Got him.

We could run into a hive together. That's the end of a movie. Mike, which one are you going to go with? Singing to your yeah i'm a i'm a man of logic and jason's argument is sound it's not easy that one's all right um you guys want to uh take them down let's do it liar liar pants on fire i mean this what are we doing in round one this is the uh what are we doing this is the i'm gonna set the stage we're entering liar liar once again two tourists in a lie with al three rounds probably gonna beat him if we do this may be the most epic

show we've ever done in terms of negative effect on our producer for sure for sure he'll go home tonight cry i'm gonna need a well this week yeah yeah you are so here we go round one fact number one if one were to explore uranus they would find that uranus is so wide that approximately 42 neptunes could fit inside it okay so the i thought i thought they officially moved it back to uranus well i wish you would have told me that about two seconds ago i just wanted to see which one you'd go with. Well, I've never heard Uranus. Who's they, by the way? I've never heard Uranus in my life. I believe that...

Somebody who's maybe been picked on a little too much? No, I believe Degrassi-Tysa goes with Uranus. Well, all right. Yeah, I'm going to go Uranus. That's awesome. Yeah, I choose. I choose Uranus. Uranus.

Oh, we are children. So, 42 Neptunes width-wise. Okay. Okay, I'm not sure. The second one, if one were to... Uranus. Oh, we are children. So 42 Neptunes width wise. Okay. Okay. I'm not sure. The second one, if one were to, oh, this is all your. That's what I'm saying. What are we doing here?

I'm sticking with my pronunciation. Okay. If one were to explore Uranus, they would find that Uranus is a lopsided oddity, likely due to a violent impact. Lopsided. I'm feeling good about that being true. The third one. If one were to explore Uranus, they would find that Uranus produces winds up to 500

miles per hour. Oh, man. That smell of rotten eggs. Oh, no. I am locking in the first one as the lie. Really? I do not believe there is that level of size difference between uranus and neptune yeah i'm going with my initial gut so if that one were true that means uranus is very large

if it is very large i find it difficult with the way gravity works that it could be lopsided yeah that one doesn't i'm taking the lopsided as the incorrect the okay so i'm locking in it is not that wide you're locking in that it is not that lopsided yeah it is a you know of course the pun continues because it is a gas giant yeah so it will maybe if it's smelling of sulfur or whatever uranus is a gas giant whatever the run we are the owls the worst we just play with the cards we're dealt yeah look i think you can't expect us to get through how many one two three four five six times i have to say uranus i think uranus is very round mike i feel like for it to be a planet, that's how gravity works.

If there's a core, it's a sphere, right? I'm going with that one. I'm with Jason. All right. Well, maybe some of us will move on. Andy, you will move on. Jason and Mike will not. They're pretty close in size, I'm guessing.

Yes. Uranus and Neptune are almost exactly the same size but 63 earths will fit inside uranus so it's so it is it's the same joke over and over and we can't stop laughing at it it's like the first time yeah i mean so it's lopsided? Yeah. Apparently, like four billion years ago, a rock the size of Earth hit the planet, and it now is the only planet that spins on its side. Boom. So now I'm the last great hope. Yeah, well, you'll take it down.

I'm still going to play. Round two. Got to beat Mike. Foxes are one of the few tribal fecal species in the animal kingdom. Animals never poop alone. It's a good rule. They typically take turns pooping as a pack while the pack mates stand guard. It seems smart.

I don't know if it's true. Clever. What's the phrase? Clever as a fox, something like that. Yeah, that's true. That would make sense that they guard themselves while pooping. Fact number two, female mayflies are born, mate, lay eggs, and die within about five minutes. Hmm.

I could... Born, mate, lay eggs, and die. I can see that being true. Yeah, because what? A mayfly is probably in a... What is that, like a cocoon? I'm trying to think of... What is a mayfly? Are they being born in a... They're like'm trying to think. What is a mayfly? Are they being born in a...

They're like the mosquito catchers. No. Oh, wait. Yeah. Is that a mayfly? I think so. Then this is not... Al's nodding.

The alleged mosquito hawk. Yeah. Correct. Oh, really? That's a mayfly. This is not true. Oh, wait. Female ones.

Because the male ones get in your house and This is not true. Oh, wait. Female ones. Mm-hmm. Because the male ones get in your house and they live forever. And they live forever. Infinity. They never die. My point was that when it says they're born, I'm thinking they're in a cocoon and then they would be fully mature. Therefore, they could mate. I think it's true.

The third one. There is a species of sponge-like fungus belonging to the spongiforma genus with the scientific name of spongiforma squarepansy. That is... Scientists are doing... They do crap like this all the time. 100% has to be true. I mean, I have no doubt that that is true. So now it's... It's the greatest accomplishment of a scientist's career out there.

To name it. They sit at home cackling. Like, I named it SpongeBob SquarePantsy. I mean, the only problem is we've played so much Liar Liar for so long that I'm concerned that we're getting to the point now where he will put something like this in that we think is obviously true

that is a dumb lie like I don't know how many levels deep we are this is the Princess Bride argument it is but I feel like if he's so stressed that's the kind of thing he's going into to me I think the mayfly one I'm going to think I think that one's true i just can't decide

between the spongebob i'm going with the foxes i'm locking that one in so i because mayflies live forever i learned a lesson a long time ago that al borland is is a liar yes because there was a good one there was a dog poop one the dogs only poop facing like north south yeah i have seen my my dogs take a dump a different direction and so i'm not i'm not playing with this poop truth because i'm sure it's i'm sure it's a lie but it's going to be true i am 100 saying they do not have they do that mayflies can't do all that in five minutes i am going to lock in the Spongiforma Square Pantsy as the lie. How happy are you, Al? I'm relieved.

Which one's the lie? The lie was the foxes. Why are you playing the horn? I got it right. I bet nobody can win the game but me. Yeah, but I got that one right. You did. You and Andy are each one for two right now. That is disappointing because it was definitely between those two.

Dude. And I out-thought myself. The mayflies in your house will be there until you move. The males can live about two days. The females do all that in about five minutes. Wow. I don't believe it. Round, you're just letting them in all the time

you can't stop them you can they all they they if there is a light on there will be a hundred of them on your wall going hello yeah hello the bait flies are here what's they're out right now yes i know they're they're the worst what's crazy is if if you we live forever if you let us in at like your back door and you see one on the outside they're already in your turn around and they are there they are on the wall and you go how did that they can go through glass they can if you see one that means there's 50 in your walls so disappointed all right round three uh great more words to pronounce uh the mariko aoki sounds perfect phenomenon is an expression referring to the sudden urge to poop that is felt upon entering a bookstore or library uh-huh

i have felt that before wait that's a real thing i think i believe it is there is a a calming influence of those environments that somehow rests or some like this the smell of the the paper and the ink something like that man do people who work at the newspaper have constant diarrhea no just really well regulated bowels i i i don't think it's exclusive which they can then wipe with the newspaper this this type of a phenomenon i don't think it's exclusive to bookstores or libraries like ink and paper like i know someone who someone as someone who every single time they go in like a goodwill wait a minute it's like the google store yeah something in this the you know someone is this person listening right now?

They might be. They might be. It is, yeah. The good will, good poop. Do they ever get backed up and then go to the good will? That's a good idea. I haven't been able to poop in days. I got to go to the good will.

Be right back. Fact number two. In ancient cultures, people believed that the shape, color, and consistency of their poop held mystical properties. They would consult interpreters to provide the significance of their bowel movements for guidance in their daily life. Oh, man. Everything that has ever could happen would have happened in the past. Fact number three, a baby koala will stick its head out of its mom's pouch and nuzzle her butt.

The mother will then ooze out a protein-rich substance called fecal pap from which the baby koala will eat since they cannot yet digest eucalyptus leaves. I can't have this be true, guys. Because you love koalas. I love koalas. It's too gross for your vision of koalas.

They are like the most adorable, cuddliest, cute animal. This is true. But if they're poop eaters, protein-rich substance eaters. Protein-rich substance eaters. Okay. Man, this is tough because- I went first last time. As we read through, I thought, okay, the bookstore one is true because of the Goodwill poop.

Because I know someone. Because I know someone. The Goodwill phenomenon. The ancient cultures one, I feel like, has to be true because I feel like you can't make that up because you don't know. It could be true. Right, you could say it's a lie, but it's probably true. Yeah. If you made this up, you're like, well, hold up.

I'll go find out that this is true. So I feel like that has to be true. And then I don't want to believe this about koalas. I don't either. But it also makes a little bit of sense. But I mean, how do you get how do you get from the is the pouch all the way to the butt? Yeah. I was just going to fallacy. Is the pouch close is the pouch all the way to the butt yeah I was I was just going there is the pouch close enough it's not close to the butt man

Uranus to bring it back because it oh man I think for the sake of our view of koala yeah I'm gonna lock in koala I'm locking in koala I let's let's go all right all in koalas. Let's go. All right. All the koalas. All right. Andy and Mike tied with one win apiece. Oh, man. You guys all got that one wrong.

The lie was the ancient cultures. Are you sure? Yeah, look it up. Are you sure? I made it up. Okay. Yeah, you made it up, but it's also probably true. But people probably should do that

I'm gonna find I'm gonna do some research when the show gets to this point now and you have won this time do you feel like is all the pressure and the stress from earlier in the day is that all gone yeah my underarms will take a while

to dry out but I feel great alright good start bad finish Mike congratulations we're one for three Yeah, yeah. My underarms will take a while to dry out, but I feel great. All right, good start, bad finish. Mike, congratulations. We're one for three. We did it. Imagine getting them all wrong. You guys won.

I was going to say, you guys won with one. Yeah. All right. Win's a win. Let's draft. The Spitballers draft well well well we are drafting best childhood insults so we have all been children before and there were some go-to childhood insults that i think are going to be drafted today and j Jason gets the first pick. Some are timeless.

Yes. And some are from like our childhood, you know, in the 90s. But when I start, there's a whole list. I have like a five pack of insults that all start with the same word. Yeah, there will be some overlap. And so I'm looking at this and I'm going, I don't want to draft a second one. I need to take which one I like the best at number one. And so I'm going to go with just a classic butt face.

Yeah, it's the top of my list. Yeah, it's the 101. I mean, you're a butt face, man. Okay. It's the best one. I mean, butt face is really good. I think that's a great pick. And there are variants.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure regions did different things around the country. I have lost this word in my vernacular, and I really need to focus on bringing it back. Yes. Put some energy and effort. Maybe journal about about it call someone a butt face today i'm gonna do that outside of here i'm gonna call someone a butt face somebody's gonna call you a butt face right after the show i know that um all right well my 101 is still here okay and um for me this is this has been a you know some members of your team

you know they have like a a very good year and they peak and then they you know they don't help your team for a long time this is like the veteran this is like the player on your roster that they're good year in and year out not a flash year around. Not a flash in the pan. Not a flash in the pan. This is a hall of famer. That's just been there. And they, they're a leader.

Interesting. And it's simple. And I still use it and it's wonderful. And it's your mama. That's your, or your mom or your mom. It is the best insult. I mean,

I'll allow it because it allows what you don't think is an insult. I know. Because is the best insult. I mean, I'll allow it. Because it allows... What, you don't think it's an insult? Yeah, no, no. Because it's a response? I just... Yeah, I will fully allow it. You can say almost anything on this earth to me. And if I don't like it, I can throw it back at your mom.

Yeah, your mom. I mean, it's a good... But it's more of a retort. That is correct don't you're not going to open up a conversation of of hey andy your mom like if you have not said anything to me then you've been my insults does nothing i feel like the retorts are also part of this equation okay if you don't want it that's fine no no we're good if you call me a butt face your mom see you can do it that way he, I can say your mom.

It doesn't make any sense, but we say it. We do say it. And we are insulted by it. Don't you talk about my mom. That's right. That's right. So, that's my 101. All right.

I'm going to open up the draft. Man, butt face. It's a good one. Uh, you would also hit people with this though, because I think that the true insult is insinuating that you like it. And you call someone a fart sniffer. It's on my list. It's on my list oh absolutely a fart sniffer that's a good one no one wants to be a you know the idea that you might enjoy right a good sniff all right mike that's a that's a good one and uh so the fart sniffer i will back that up again we're gonna have a lot of overlap uh because this one also relates to your face,

but it's a very specific time of your life. I will warn those out there. If you're a teenager and you have bad acne, this one sucks. Oh, no. Oh, no. Someone calls you the pizza face. Yeah, pizza face. That is it.

That one, we all have gone through it, it hurts i was a big it hurts uh-huh yeah it it that one really does that's it's super mean jason just went back in time to when he got annihilated uh-huh and it's not fun no look. Look at him now, kids. Yeah. He's always cleaned up. There's some other insults that apply now. It's on the list. Is it back to me? Yes, it is.

Man, that one's a rough one. It stinks. I'm going with the variant. I mean, look, you guys have introduced two great starter words, unfortunately, with butt face and fart sniffer. I am going with the more often used by me fart face just take our oh i still have the chance don't i fart face it is it's on my list man it's on my list i I would have taken it. Fart face. It's got the alliteration. It's powerful. I was fully going to take.

It's the Megazord of both of yours. I was straight up going to take butt face and fart face. I mean, they are. Thank you. You got pizza face. You're welcome. There are some faces up in here. All right.

Face is just such a good place to attack because it's i mean it's what people see first you're like you gotta present a good face and if you are a butt face a pizza face a fart face these are all these are all negatives yeah they're all negatives i'm gonna i'm gonna go a little lower than the face here though now that now that I'm here. Jeremy, this is one you can use against me afterwards. Lower than the face? Lower than the face. Weird neck. It's fatty.

Oh, man. Just straight up fatty. Oh, that's another brutal pizza face type of thing, because you know who you call a fatty? See, I mean, not skinny people, and that's really mean. Kids, don't do that. Call them a butt face. Oh, man.

I didn't know we were going to go down into some childhood horrors. Yeah, kids, don't make fun of people because of their physique or their push-up ability. Stick with things like butt face. Well, when you're older and you're learning things, you can express truths. All right. I'm still on the clock, right?

I guess. I'm going to go with this one because, you know, I had these two words kind of on my list as words that I was like, okay, these apply. These are insults. I don't really use them. But then I realized, like, I use them together. It's a hyphenated one word insult it's stupid idiot oh it's stupid idiot yes because that one is i use it i when someone's a stupid idiot that's what they get from me yeah stupid idiot you could you might be intense that one hits like a like a left right

combo yeah exactly right you're this is no jab there's idiots out there but then there are people who like calling you an idiot is not good enough you're a stupid idiot stupid idiot all right well i'm gonna take us down a notch oh good to help us out a little bit um I need to bring it back to a much more childhood time when maybe something very subtle does the trick. And it's simple. And it's chicken. Oh, yeah. You're chicken. Yeah.

I mean, nobody wants to be thought of as chicken. No, we're brave. We are. We'll do it. I'm not doing that, chicken. I am doing that. so i'm going with chicken that is a tremendous one very i mean that's that's fantastic it wasn't on my list and i feel ashamed that's like the the dawn of time yeah that people have been calling each other

chickens all right so from the fart sniffer uh-oh oh no into a another region on the face. And you don't want to be caught with this action. Because then you'll be called a booger breath. If you are the nose picker in the elementary school and you get caught. Is that what that means? Booger breath? Yeah, that means you're a booger eater. It would infer that a booger has been into your mouth.

So now your breath smells of boogers. Did you take a few booger breath insults? Who didn't? Who amongst us has not? I don't know if booger breath circled in my school. No, I don't think so. I think none of us ate our boogers. Oh, yeah.

That was a your school problem. Yeah, sure. Room full of children not eating boogers. I don't think booger eating is that pervasive, is it? Sure. Room full of children not eating boogers. I don't think booger eating is that pervasive, is it? I think it's pretty pervasive. Really? Oh, yes.

I think the math on this, I looked this up probably, and I think it's about five kids per class are pretty into it. Yeah, that seems right. Pretty into it. And another three have tried. Hey, man, you checked out those things the boogers they give them a taste they're up your nose they're free yeah i i don't i don't think i've ever eaten a booger you lie you sit on the throne of lies i cannot i mean no i've never eaten a booger two and i don't have a memory. I'm talking to your father. He will have memories of you being a booger breath. So booger breath goes with your pizza face and fart sniffer

and you got to round it out now. And this is my go-to. We all have your words where you're like, I can't say the completely mean and inappropriate thing that I want to say right now. So I just go dummy. You, sir, are a dummy. That's the one that I will frequently, like if I'm driving with the kids in the car. Dummy, dum-dum.

And someone gets, and I get cut off, whatever. I'm like, you dummy. Yeah. Yeah, I can see it. I feel like, so I've got your mom, fart face, and chicken. Wait, I can see it. I feel like... So I've got your mom, fart face, and chicken. Wait, you've got who? You each have one that kind of cuts to the quick.

I mean, like Jason has fatty. And it's just a little too much. That's mean. Mike, I mean, you had pizza face. You're attacking. Also mean. Very mean. So I'm going to go for a select few kids that unfortunately lost the lottery here.

Oh. And maybe one of their appendages is slightly larger than the rest of people, and we call them schnoz. Oh, yeah. Okay. Sure. I always put an R on that. Really? Yeah, it was like a schnoz. Oh, yeah. Okay. Sure. I always put an R on that. Really?

Yeah, I was like a schnozer. Really? No, we shortened it. Yeah. I like it. Schnoz double Z. Double Z? Double Z?

Yeah, it is double Z on that. Yeah. All right. Jason, round out this potentially damaging draft that we are doing. Let's see here. potentially damaging draft that we are doing. Let's see here. So all the real fun ones I feel like are either gone or already kind of taken in a group.

So I'm just looking at practicality here. And this is one that is thrown out all the time. It's thrown out on our show. It's thrown out around the office. It's a lot of fun. It's simple. It's classic and on our show. It's thrown out around the office. It's a lot of fun. It's simple. It's classic and timeless. Nerd.

Yeah. It's just a nerd. I couldn't decide the nerd, the dork, the making fun of the four eyes. I think nerd is a common one. We all have the one. It doesn't hurt people anymore, though. We blocked it. We blocked four eyes?

No, nerd. Oh, yeah. No, four. Look at old four eyes over here. Everybody has something. The idea that someone... You're just like, I unfortunately have vision

that is not 2020. We created this great technology. I can see perfectly if I wear them. that is not 2020. We created this great technology. I can see perfectly if I wear them. Yeah. Four eyes. What are we doing? What's always- What are we doing as kids?

What's always funny about that one to me is I never understood, and obviously when you're called anything, like I was, my sister growing up called me freckle foot and it enraged me because i have a big freckle on my foot like and and it was it was the it was literally the biggest problem in our house i mean freckle freckle foot was straight up the f word in our house my parents would have to intervene i would get so mad. Stop calling me that. So I recognize what I'm about to say is different, but I've never felt like four eyes should really feel bad. It should not, but it was used to degrade people. If you have something that is the minority of people have it,

you're going to get made fun of for it. Not everyone in class has glasses. Only a few kids have glasses. you're going to get made fun of for not everyone in class has glasses only a few kids have glasses you're gonna get made fun of that's just what it is yeah i already had pizza face so i couldn't go with brace face no brace faces in there oh what are you what are you correcting your teeth and making them straight snaggle tooth oh yeah that one feels bad yeah that one's that one's you're not correcting it, and you're ugly. Before I went with Fartface, there was Fartknocker. That was where I was headed. That's a quality one.

I had a bunch of the retorts. Okay. Which were the, like, when you do the times infinity, when you do the sticks and stones, whoever smelt it dealt it. I know you are, but what am I? Yeah, no, that's a good one. Takes one to know one. Yeah. If you like it so much, why don't you marry it?

So you had comebacks. I think I just had comebacks, yes. So I had to take Buttface 101 because I wanted that group. Was Poopface in there? I had Buttwipe, Buttmunch, Buttnugget. Buttnugget was the go-to back in the day. Fifth grade, there was one kid in my class, and I was introduced to the butt nugget,

and it shook me to the core. It was so funny. Butt head. Yeah, classic. Cake eater. Turd burglar. That's a good one. That feels like a grown-up insult.

It does. I feel like that's a go to with the kids you burgled turds alright any that we forgot there Al I think you covered most of them yeah unfortunately what did we learn today I learned that Jeremy does pushups

every day I learned that pushups don't do anything listen freckle foot no you take that name out of your mouth oh my goodness Every day. I learned that push-ups don't do anything. Listen, Frecklefoot. No! You take that name out of your mouth! Oh, my goodness. What an episode of the show. I learned that your anus is a little bit lopsided. That's true.

Yeah. Oh, man. Well, hopefully Al will be back next week. Thanks for joining us. Tell your friends. Don't be a bunch of nerds. See you later. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.