Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: The Hungry Games & A Holiday Mascot Battle - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

Spit Hit for July 3rd, 2023: Today we are talking about ideal bedtimes, airplane poop chutes, and playing hooky from work. Then, as we approach the holiday season, we do a battle royale draft of well known holiday mascots. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads, we are enjoying the Fourth of July holiday with our families. We hope you're enjoying yours, and we have a special Spit Hit episode for you right now. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ha-cha-cha-cha! Boom-cha-ca-ca! Oh, welcome in. Ha! Ha!

A lot of minty breath in that scat.at i'm getting rated was there a horchata in there no it was a uh okay i guess i could have gone horchata but i went horchata i did throw in a chicago though yeah you did that was that's nice you're out of here and wait what did you give me over there i gave you a seven. I thought that was a- That's a nice score. That was an above average. It's got a Ventura riff in there and you're giving me a seven? I didn't really pick up on the Ventura riff live.

A little dated, Mike. Okay, so now that you know that it was clearly an Ace Ventura reference- I can't get you all the way to an eight. You're going gonna need to drop it okay it wasn't that good welcome into the spitballers podcast at spitballers pod on twitter join the spit.com if you want to support this podcast and uh al how are you doing today doing great what uh types of uh perks do we provide our spit wads? Early release, ad free. That sounds awesome.

And contributions to the spit tank where we go for content ideas. Oh, that is some, it's incredible. It must be about $1,000, $2,000 a month to do that? Right now, it's only $5 a month. Okay. Whoa. Yeah. Wow.

But you get the $2,000 worth of value. I do usually spend my mornings after coffee or while I'm getting coffee, I browse the list of our supporters and I just thank you in my head. Yeah. So that's my morning routine. And you said it's either before coffee or during or even after coffee. Sometimes all three. And Andy was saying it's only worth $2,000.

Yeah, it's worth well more than that. A more mental thank you what is the deal right now only five dollars thank you to everybody who has sent us some pretty cool ideas we have a fun draft on today's show we let's get into it would you rather would you rather question from Hannah on Patreon oh look at that one of our supporters thank you for your support would you rather travel back in time to meet your ancestors or go to the future and meet your descendants

okay okay problem here what's your problem now I know that if i go back in time i'm guaranteed you know obviously time travel you know yeah yeah yeah yeah i to get to my ancestors but there's i mean if i travel in into the future let's say i i pick the day and i say 1 000 years and i'm gonna go meet my descendants there's a chance there's nobody there right there's a chance my line you're worried your lineage is is gonna fall off i mean on a long enough timeline i think everyone's might i think it would now you're thinking more family name than you are yeah you don't got to worry about the name i mean it's

your it's your genetic your lineage you have, you have procreated three children into this world. They could all have no children, and then it's over. Yeah. They could, but the odds of that seem low. The odds of your kids not having kids or adopting or doing something where they create a family, that seems very low to me. Over 1,000 years, though, the amount of times that could happen. You're saying that family thing happens, what, you got three generations maybe?

Okay, how often does a family's lineage get wiped out? It happens, man. I think it has to be very infrequent. You also have the choice. You can just go forward and meet your elderly grandkids. Yeah. As Andy was talking, I was like, was like oh my gosh i was really bored no there's a new problem i was i was sitting there thinking if i go you know 300 years in

the future maybe i don't have any you know descendants any descendants but the reality is as both of you spoke i'm gonna have 10 000 descendants yes because how how could you meet that how could you i mean it's not 10 000 at a time that's too much for me man that's too you're overthinking this yeah you are you need to step back and just say hey you get it here's the real question go back and meet your ancestors or go forward and meet your descendants as far as like your kids' kids' kids. Boom, you get to meet them or your kids' kids, whatever the case may be. I hope I get to meet my kids' kids already.

Now, what's interesting to me is like usually when I'm facing the question of do you want to go back in time or do you want to go forward? I want to go forward. I want to see the new cool stuff. But because this is specifically meet your ancestors, I am fascinated of that story of how did I get here? Why do I exist? And my mom has done that all the time.

Look, you should. Why in the world is this guy here? You should think about lineage all the time. Stood the test of time. That's what we're always saying. I'm here. What genetic accident produced? Sorry.

But my mom has done the, like, got full addicted to, like, Ancestry.com, traced our lineage back, you know, many, many generations. And it is, like, the story of how you are here. Imagine how big his ancestors' heads must have been. I mean. No, do your heads get bigger or smaller? Humans have gotten bigger. One of the two, but it's either your descendants are not able to walk

or your ancestors. I mean, it's probably the descendants. I would go in the future. You're not factoring in how buff my neck is, guys. Outrageously strong. That's because of the holding up of the head. Yes. My legs are so strong.

Here is the reality. Mike is right. It would be very like I've wondered like everybody came to this country right like yes we all have like immigrant ancestors that came here or you have native like in your lineage and you don't know about it's like but for it's the butterfly effect of seeing all these pieces maybe you had uh part of your ancestor someone from europe somewhere oh yeah and then they ended up building a family with a with someone who's native over here it's like think of how crazy it is that if one thing goes wrong in that list of events you aren't here right now this is where mike transitions into the the tagline for the ad read for ancestry.com this whole. This whole show is not a sponsor, but that's the fascinating thing.

I have an answer, and I'll get out of the way after the answer. My answer is I want to go see my ancestors. And this is because I know now came from that. So no matter how good or bad back then was, I know now exists as it is. Sure. The future would be difficult because you're not going to have any control over five generations of descendants and it could be bad. And if it's bad in the future, I think that would impact me emotionally way more now than

something in the past. So I will take the ancestral journey, learn about my ancestors from Hungary, and I will not go to the future. That is deep, man. That is deep. You're 100% right. Something bad in the past won't affect you now because you already know it happened. That being said, I think I have to see my descendants.

I have to. And this is my own fault. I've started a lineage of name. Yes. My firstborn son is Jason Randlemore II. I have to go four generations and see. Did we carry the name on? Okay, fantastic question.

You went with the carry your first and last name for your firstborn son. Yes. What does it look like? He has a son, whatever, 15 years from now, and he does not do that. Oh, he's out of the family. I mean, I've always told him it's his decision. But it's not. No, it's your decision to be out of the family.

You don't have to. I mean, you are free to exit our love. Do you show up to the birth with the will and a notary and watch the birth certificate get filled out? Has it been written into your trust? Oh, that's a good idea. My family trust. He receives his inheritance based on his children's name?

It all goes to the third. Ooh, I'm going to make it the fifth. Come on, baby. I'm going descendants. I want to see if my name stands. Based on Mike's story, he's going ancestors. Oh, 100%. And now, so meaning your ancestors, Andy.

Because it's in my head. I'm curious if it's in yours Andy, because it's in my head. I'm curious if it's in yours. I know something's in my head right now. What happens? No, no, no. But like what portion of you going back is because you're like, I'm going to go back until I meet my ancestors, and it will literally be me because it's a Back to the Future 3 situation

where Marty McFly goes back and meets Seamus, but they're actually the same person. One just has an Irish accent. You just have a different beard or a different piece of... See, I was going a completely different place. I don't even know if I want to go there. Oh.

But what if you did go back in your ancestry? Is this also Back to the Future? It's not. What if you went back and you found out... The weird part. What would it affect you now if you found out, like, four generations ago, your ancestor was one of the worst people on the face of the planet? Oh, yes.

What do you do with that info? So, like, dictator level or, like, murderer or just, like. I always knew that my great-grandfather was Joey S. I just never realized it was Joseph Stalin. I mean, would it affect, would it make you think, we'll get deep again, would it make you think that that's in you? Yes. Where you never thought it was in you.

Yes, you could be terrified. So now your whole thing about going back, finding something bad, coming back and being fine is blown up. It's kapooey. Because if you go back in time and you realize there was just a mass murderer who you are descended from. Mussolini're descended from then at that point you're going this is in my blood oh no oh no yeah i guess you could come with me to the future everybody it's like a werewolf wind like at some point i'm gonna know it's gonna happen i'm gonna hit my 45th

birthday and all the sun sudden... The Stalin years. It's going to come out, and I'm going to take over the country, and I'm going to starve everybody. Yeah. I can't stop it. It's in me. All right. Theo from... Actually, I'm curious.

Al. Yes, sir? To the future or to the past, what is your... Future. Is Judge Giamatti in here? He's not. Okay. Good. He chooses neither neither he chooses the present theo from twitter what bedtime would you rather have every day for the rest of your life

8 30 p.m or 1 30 a.m with all the implications of both of these there's a ton and like if this was what bedtime would you rather have right now it's you know every single day you don't get to choose it's super easy it's 1 30 in the morning because that's choosing your wake-up time is not 6 30 in the morning well it's just one of those I go to sleep closer to 1 30 than I do to 8 30 already um so this is easy for me and I prefer the night time I'm not a morning person at all um part of that might be because of my bedtime I don't know but um the this says for the rest of your life tired I do but in my defense when i go to bed at 9 30 for like four or five days in a row i that fifth day i'm still super tired and i'm like why why have i been pretending to go to bed early i'm just i'm gonna wake up tired no matter what i think it's more of a health

and eating issue but um i'm gonna say here that there's a problem fast forward till i'm 70 80 you know it says rest of your life right what would i be doing till 1 30 in the morning i want to go to sleep we were joking at lunch today about a recent spitballers where we were drafting things old people do and we were talking about how they have dinner at 4, and it dawned on me, it's because they got nothing else to do. They're like, I'm so bored. You want to do dinner now? Okay. So, yeah, I mean, there's...

If you choose 8.30 p.m., let's be honest, you're going to miss sporting events for the rest of your life. There's lots of sporting events that go past 8.30 in the evening. That's true. I don't want to be like, oh, it's the second quarter of the Super Bowl. It's time to go to bed. Night, night.

But the 1.30 a.m., I mean, that's like – I think if I'm choosing the rest of my life, that's the one I'm going to choose, which surprises – like I'm a morning person. So if you tell me I'm going to bed at 8.30 and then I'm getting up at 4.30, like I don't mind that cadence of life, but I don't want to miss the action after 8 30 p.m yeah I I agree with you I'm I'm gonna stick it with 130 stick it with one and I take the landing and I will plan on um not making it to my 80s uh I will just uh what if you move Hawaii? Will you get all the sporting events and then the 830 works?

Yes. Yeah, I think so. That's the... I'm going to Hawaii. Also, also, then you live in Hawaii. Oh, wow. I hadn't even thought of that. Okay.

I have thought about that most days. What's your time, Mike? 1.30. 8.30, it's too early. I'm with Jason. We're going to die 10 years from lack of sleep. What if you had to, no matter what,

you had to get up at 5 a.m. every day? Think of the naps. Think of the naps. You'd be living in the nap. Oh, I'll be napping all the time. But you can't let that nap slip into sleep, otherwise you broke the rule. Of course.

Jason from Patreon says, Oh, you're welcome for you're welcome for my probably one of his descendants would you rather compete in the squid games or the hunger games okay oh so so for i don't really know i didn't watch squid games okay but i can give you the premise here i'll set you up. Squid games is you end up playing childhood games, and the losers are removed from life. You play the Hunger Games, and it's you removing other people from life, and the last person who has not been removed, they are the winner. Okay, so real quick on the surface, it sounds like the easier thing is to beat a childhood game you know uh versus but like having light right having to win in

mortal combat against your foes however let's let's just look at the math okay because i'm pretty sure that in squid games you started with like 500 people. So it's a very high number. Hunger Games is like 15. Right. But they're also like, it's not just Ma and Pa who are in gambling debt. Some of these people are, I've seen the Hunger Games. Some of these dudes are super jacked.

They're shredded. They're ready for a competition in the wilderness. And you're going in as strong-legged Jason Moore over here. Now, this isn't the Hungry Games, though. Oh, man. I would dominate. That made you laugh. It does because it's right there. It would be a different game.

Of course, the Squid game could be different too. I'm here for the hungry games. Sir. Shoot your weapon. I got a fork. It's like they're called the hunger games because they're from starving districts. It's people living in poverty and then you get Jason Rolls with a bib. I'm here for the Hunger Games.

I volunteer as tribute. I am starving. I haven't eaten in 48 hours in preparation for this. What are we starting? A couple hours? What's going on here? You make him that hungry, he's going to catch some of these people. I know that.

That's right. I need a meal. It's going to catch some of these people. I know that. That's right. I need a meal. It's going to be different. Oh, man. Daddy's going hunting. I've always wondered, like, if you get dropped, let's say it's the Hunger Games, and it's you and let's just call it 10 people total. Okay.

And this is in an open landscape, right? You're in a forest and a, you know. What's your strategy there? Because I've always thought like my strategy is just like i gotta go full i'm i'm fully hidden yes 100 it has to be step one are you a hider or a seeker well step one has to be hide you want the herd to to thin out to thin out you want half of them to take care of each other, and then you enter the fray. If you're starting thinking, I'm just going to go Rambo.

I'm going for the high score. And go for the high score, you're dead. It's not going to happen. So, no, you have to start with hiding, but the best is to hide and watch. If you can find that spot up in that tree, learn their weaknesses. Maybe fall upon them. I would assume there's some kind of crane or at least a cherry picker that I can ride. Who left this caterpillar laying around?

There's a rustling up in those trees. They'll never find me. I'm getting into position. Caterpillar laying around. There's a rustling up in those trees. Hold on. Never mind me. I'm getting into position. Wow, this is... Better be a dense brush. Okay. All right.

So I'm going to go... I can't do it anymore. I'm going to mess up the squid game one. The kids' game's repeating. I'm going to mess up a red light green light the the cost of of mental failing there is too high yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna go hunger games as well not just because of the name but um also because look in either one of these things i'm gone most likely right you got a one in 15 chance. I feel like I've got a better chance in the Hunger Games.

But in the meantime, while I'm living out that horrible end of my life, in one, I am trapped in a remote location, horrifically fed and yada yada in the Squid Games. Or on the other, I'm a celebrity. I get 15 minutes of fame and the whole world's watching me and there's people out there rooting for me going let's go the hungry guy. The guy with the fork. He got another one. We let him go in with the fork and the stick knife.

I feel like you have far more control in the Hunger Games. Oh yeah. You are in charge. Because there was a lot of luck built in the Squid Games where you're signing up. You don't know what the game is. You, yeah. You are in charge. Because there was a lot of luck built into Squid Games when you're signing up. You don't know what the game is. You're just signing up for something. You've got to go with Hunger Games. You've got to play the numbers

where probability of 1 in 15 or whatever is just better. All right. Let's go to Dean from the website. Would you rather brush your teeth with a hairbrush? What? Or brush your hair with a toothbrush? What? Is this an unused brand new hairbrush or is this a used?

We'll go. It's unused. It's only for, it was purchased specifically for you to brush your teeth. I brought, I bought this brush. But it's gigantic. To brush my teeth. You're only getting the front skis. Like, it's really large.

You're not getting the back. No. Unless, it's really large. You're not getting the back. No. Unless you want to, like, choke to death. Yeah, you can only get the front. And what's funny is. I guess you could. You know, what came to mind first for me, we have a lot of hair brushes around, is not like the, you know how there's the brushes that have all the, like, coarse hair.

That wasn't what came to mind. For me, what came to mind was the ones with the little sticks and the plastic balls on the end of every single... Yeah, yeah, those... I mean, a normal hairbrush. Are we talking about hair or toothbrushes? Those are the hairbrushes our parents brush their hair with. All the hairbrushes around my house are like that. They have little plastic... I don't know. what do you call the little pieces of a brush the spokes i mean it's the bicycle what it's gotta have a name like a okay there's a new uh

new question here what what ow i gotta i gotta know what brush bristles are called. Okay, the bristles. How does that process work, Jay? How does the process of them? Yeah, I mean, how do you end up being- What's it look like? How do you get all your teeth brushed with that big of a brush? Hypothetically.

Hypothetically, you got gotta go wide okay you gotta spread the cheeks uh you know as they say you gotta spread your mouth cheeks real wide and uh get that brush back there okay that just doesn't work i think i think dean knew what was... Dean was setting us up for catastrophe. Dean, you old scallywag. Which one? Can I choose neither? What was the second? Is brush your hair with a toothbrush.

That one. I mean, you've got to go with that one. Yes. It's just going to... You're not going gonna get a very good brush i don't even need to brush my hair so this is easy do you do you uh and this is not a hair joke do you brush or a lack of hair joke do you brush uh do you brush or comb your hair thank you um no i i use paste with my hands and then i i form it with yes i use

toothpaste do you with my hands do you ever brush or comb i brush yeah when i get my hair ready in the morning i use a brush you do because i yeah i'm with jason i don't i just i'll i wash my hair short enough i won't but but if it gets a little bit longer i I use a brush for a little bit. Yeah, you usually do have a... I use a brush with really distant... Bristles. Bristles. It's all plastic. No bristles, actually. You ever had bristles sprouts?

This show is off the rails right now. But it's time for Is This Real Life? Is this real life? Is it, is the question. I'm going to ask myself that every day. We each have a story from the real world that we're going to share with one another. And I was delighted when I read the details of my story. Oh, please share.

A man was covered in poop after a passing plane dumped toilet waste over his backyard. No, it did. That's not a real thing. It has happened many times. And I had actually heard about it, but I had not heard it in such detail. Because this poor man in Windsor, England. No. The story, the way that this picture painted, this poor man, he was just sitting in his backyard enjoying the sun.

Oh, no. Enjoying the sun. Enjoying the sun by his garden. And unfortunately, a plane discharged its sewage. And minutes later, his whole garden no his garden umbrellas and he himself was totally covered fertilized in poop from no and that's human from poop oh my goodness i've heard like tall tale that planes do this i I thought it was completely phony. They've got to get rid of it somehow, right?

Yeah, when you land, you hook up a tube. They evacuate it up there. Do they really? They do. So that's what planes normally do? Yeah, and the thing- They just go, poop shoot. I hope that's the button.

The button is called the poop shoot. They just push it. And then apparently one of the factors here was the weather. Because the I think wouldn't it freeze? It was frozen poop. It was frozen sewage. It didn't kill him. No, it was frozen sewage.

It's poop hail. In June, this also happened in Portsmouth, and locals were, quote, terrified after frozen poo fell from the sky. What are we doing? But it's, quote, so rare and hadn't seen it in a long time. He added that modern toilets on planes are vacuum secured and normally reliable. It could have been a failure of the aircraft to adequately service it. It does sound like it wasn't a button.

So what, like it just leaked out? It sounded like it was an accident. Yeah. Well, yeah. Oh, the airplane had an accident again. It even makes the point is the poor Windsor resident was unable to claim insurance from the ordeal, but the cost was relatively low. Wait, so they pooped on him?

Yeah. And they did nothing for him? They did not. They said. What? They did nothing. Hit him with a My Bad and we moved on? He had to go clean himself up and he was not happy.

Apparently, people in England do not sue each other quite as much. Well, they sewage each other. They sewage each other. But I mean, if that happened to me, if I got dumped on in my backyard by American Airlines, which usually they do that in the front yard. Yeah, when you're on the plane. Goodness, would I be going after them? Because I don't know.

I mean, enjoy your next day in the backyard. A poop suit? Yes, it would be a poop suit against them. There's as many humans are here on the earth. There's so much land that is not occupied by humans. How did they hit a person? It's rare. It should be never.

This is not something we should accept as every once in a while we drop one from the sky. Or if it is every once in a while, it should be worth a prize. You should be winning a sweepstakes. You should get something. You should fly for free for the rest of your life. Yes. What if they had a thing where, you know, like every year they do this,

and if it lands on you, you win a million dollars. Oh, then you got people trying to get in the path of the airplane flight. And then it's a television show. All right. What do you guys have? I'd watch it. All right. My article here, this comes back to the united states of course

um because this is a uh united states hospital charges woman eight hundred dollars for crying during surgery what yes uh cried u.s hospital charges woman 800 for crying during surgery so is that really up to her um well no and this is it's i can relate like sometimes people have anxiety when it comes to procedures um and this this woman was getting a mole removed okay um and so she I understand being kind of scared to get that done. Yeah. And she apparently was a big baby. I mean, I don't know that I wasn't I wasn't there. And the article doesn't say exactly how much she whined and cried. But what happened is she got her bill. And in that they detail all the different things, you know, it's like, oh, lidocaine,

twelve dollars, this and that and this and that and on that bill was quote brief emotion she got charged for a brief emotion no yeah how much is full emotion what are we that's a great question what are we we doing? Brief emotions. I mean, look, I know there's a lot written about the U.S. medical system, the health care system being a little wonky. There's not enough written about the U.S. medical system being wonky. I mean, what are we doing? Yeah. How can you write that on a bill?

I mean, pretty easily. They just printed it. And so they charged her $800 because apparently she was not an easy. Now, emotion's not covered by insurance, right? That's a cash expense. Clearly, it's not. I would imagine that the insurance company would say, I'm not paying for this one. Oh, my goodness.

Just like, isn't part of being a doctor care like isn't that what you signed up no you need to be a man discount well but that's just that's ridiculous i mean if she cried so 38 for wincing so during during one of the procedures this woman cried during her mole removal surgery and then was charged for that. Now, on the flip side, I don't want to deal with a crying patient. You know what I mean? Like, I would like my patients to all be way tougher. But you're a doctor.

Yeah, but I'm going to charge her for that. I get it. I get it. I'm going to charge for crying because if you think about it, I can make money that way. Yeah, you can just make up whatever you want. You can charge for that. if you think about it i can make money that way yeah you can just make up whatever you want if you can charge for that stinky breath oh halitosis oh halitosis charge charge them for a mint oh that's good that's 50 bucks that's unbelievable they suffered halitosis 500 lifesaver bad joke 225 yeah emotional discomfort. See, I felt like I had to go to a dermatologist once a year, right?

We're out here in Arizona, and you get a skin check. See, doctors mess with you. And I went in this place, and I felt like I was being trolled. We've heard about it. You go to the doctor's office. You make an appointment. You wait a long time. A lot has been made of you waiting.

Because you do. Because you do. But there's a skin check. So they tell you, get down in your skivvies. In your skivvies, right? Okay. I go in this room, guys. And I have to do the second waiting room thing for 30 minutes.

Get down in your skivvies. It's got to be 12 degrees. It's 12 degrees in the room. Are you in the paper suit? They gave me something to lay across my lap. Wait minute what it's not a gown they didn't give you a gown no no it's not a gown i'm just they gave you a bath towel they gave me a small washcloth to lay across my private were you are you sure you're at the doctor? You're not at the doctor, bro. I've been to a dermatologist. I'm telling you, this is the coldest room that's ever been made, and you just wait in it naked.

This is inappropriate. That is. And then they charge you for it? Yeah. They charge you a lot. Patient freezing. I just think that they have a lot of control over you. If they can charge you for emotion,

if they can make you wait as long as you want naked in a cold room, that's just too much. Take back the control. Do your procedures yourself. I hear what you're saying. That's what I'm saying. At-home surgeries. That's what you've been saying.

I mean, they've got to be on YouTube, right? Why not? I don't know how to do something. I look up on YouTube and someone's doing it. There's got to be at-home services. I can get a mole off. I'm sure someone has removed a mole on YouTube. Yeah, that's probably true.

All right. Mike, what do you got for us? My article here. You don't think it was a real dermatologist? Oh, it was certainly not. No way. No way. No.

It's a very uplifting article. Oh, fantastic. It's referring to, uh, an elder man, an elder Spanish man, and he had worked so long. He was a civil servant. And then the deputy mayor was like the 20 year anniversary of, uh, this employee. It came up loyal, dedicated, and we're going to give him an award. Right. Oh, that's great. Because that's what you do for people who have been a civil servant for that long.

They've paid their dues. They've spent their life investing in people. This old civil servant deserves this. Thank you. It turns out this man had not been working for 6 to 14 years what and it's simply been collecting a paycheck wait and you won an award and the only reason they figured out that he wasn't showing up to work is because he was getting an award what that's not real oh it is real and like the person who worked across from his office said yeah i just i've never seen him and you know no one no one was the wiser oh mr garcia here he just

he figured it out that i'm not gonna show up to work eventually he uh lost an appeal he was fined about thirty thousand dollars but this man that's gotta still be a net win. It's got to be a net win. A huge win. Well, when you factor in the value of his time, never ever going to work. Wait, how long was the time frame? They said it's at least six, possibly 14. So the only way that makes sense is if they just don't... They have no idea when this guy stopped coming to work.

It could have been 14. Like, I think I saw him. I know I saw him 14 years ago. I know that. So there's a job they him. I know I saw him 14 years ago. I know that. So there's a job they thought was getting done for 6 to 14 years that was not getting done and yet paid him. This was a government job? Oh, yeah.

I got to get a government job. There have to be people out there like this. And I know what you're thinking. This man's a hero. Oh, he deserves an award for sure. this man is a hero to us all one day that man said to himself what if i don't come in today yep should i let them know no i'll just not come in and then no one called and he did it the next and i do it again here's what happened all he did in his mind was quit that's it he just quit he's like i'm not going i'm not doing this job people do that millions of people do that everywhere he just quit and and not even call not show up you know just i hate this job i'm gone

right but then two weeks goes by and that's when that's when he gets the first check and no it's probably my last and he goes oh man i can't yeah severance and then two more weeks he gets a check he i mean just keeps going. And the reason the fine was so low is because legally that was all they could reclaim. And it turned out it was about a year's salary. So he's getting that for six to 14 years and he just pays back a year of it? That is correct. I mean, there have got to be dead people that are employed by the government right now. Oh, man.

That is fantastic. That's $420,000 to not work and get an award. I mean... A hero. He is truly a hero. I wish we knew your name. We would give you an award right here. I told you, it's Mr. Garcia. Oh, Mr. Garcia, you deserve all the awards.

Well, you guys want to draft? Let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. Well, this is one of the draft ideas that came in off of a tweet. We were looking for some new ones and

we're drafting holiday mascots for a battle royale we have we have not been in the arena for a little while and we are going to we're going to take characters for folklore that surround the holiday season and we're going to pick them and then they're going to fight each other on behalf of us and one of us will be victorious of course so Mike you have the first pick and so we'll kind of follow along with us you'll get where we're going

yes and this is sometimes you have a draft where there's no clear 101 there is to me okay there is a clear 101 when you're talking about the holiday mascots that you want on your side in the fight. Magic.

He's got a sleigh that can fly through the air. Yeah. The man can clearly do some kind of body morphing to get down the chimneys. And, like, I don't know. Is it a flying sack? We've seen all sorts of theories. But it is the OG. It is Mr. Santa Claus. He will be spearheading my team, and he's a leader.

How do you have a workshop full of elves to make toys for the entire child population in the world and not be a good leader? Slave owner. Yeah, got it. Don't you dare take shots at my Santa Claus. They're paid a fair wage. I was really hoping. They're paid a fair wage. I was really hoping.

They get so many cookies. Are they unionized? They really should. I was going to insult Santa Claus on the basis that he has the physical limitations. He's an old man. At the end of the day, you're drafting an old man. But then I realized Dumbledore is an old man and he's pretty cool. And there's a lot of like, if you got magic, do you know an old man who could get to every house in one night?

I would never insult Santa because I don't want to be on the naughty list. Of course, that's a good reason. Yeah, that's honest to goodness. I was just hoping because he's kind of this fat old man that you wouldn't draft him. And I was going to make all the arguments you just made and scoop up who should have been the 101. But you didn't get him. But I didn't get him. Look. Sinter Klaus.

Okay, so I'm up on the clock here. The reality is in a fight with holiday mascots, you're going to need some magic. Look, if you've got a fight and one of you has magic and one of you doesn't. I'm guessing that most of these people have magic. The magic's all limited to these holiday things, though. Yeah. You know, they're not out there. things though yeah you know they're not out there we like santa's magic has got to have some constraints that are based around fitting down chimneys which in a coliseum i'm not sure how

useful that is right and on uh december 24th being able to i would imagine stop time i don't know how it does it but but yeah limited but my magic is not very limited limited because the lore of the Leprechaun goes well beyond just the St. Patty's Day. I mean, there are horror movies. I'm trying to do an accent. There are literal horror movies made after my character. There are. It's called Leprechaun.

That's the name of the movie. Okay. And so my guy's small yeah hard to hit how okay so in your head how big is a leprechaun in my head a leprechaun is probably like two and a half feet well how high is it to my knee yeah my because that's it's not two and a half feet to your knee is it uh two feet to my like i get that you know in the in the right in the horror movie it was like it's the leprechaun is that tall but like to me a leprechaun is like inches no yeah get out of here you're very like you're thinking of gnomes okay google says a leprechaun

is about three feet so boom really yeah buddy i've thought about this wrong my entire life now you're trying to get the... I've never caught a leprechaun. You think this leprechaun... Now, on one hand, it's a three-foot person. Right. So, there is that aspect of like... Yeah, hard to hit.

I hear you. With magic and... Yeah, but the magic, I mean like... Gold. Aren't they like... It might be nice. What if you get the one that makes like Lucky Charms and stuff? I'm in this to fight to the death here.

Yeah, I mean... This is a battle royale. I'm not worried about niceness. I'm bringing out to fight to the death here. Yeah. This is a battle royale. I'm not worried about niceness. I'm bringing out the dark side of my leprechaun. Okay. All right. This is going to be very interesting today. Okay. My first pick, there's not a lot of these that give you range on the battlefield.

Oh, okay. I see where you're going. And I feel like that is an advantage. I'm the third picker here. I need something. There's only one that I know of that has legit range. So I'm going to bring in the Archer. And I'm bringing Cupid.

I'm bringing in Cupid. Yes. And air support. And flying. Air support. Yeah. And? A ranged attack from the air?

Yeah. He can make us fall in love. So that's pretty cool. Not much armor. Not much armor. Pretty naked. But we'll be firing. This is a one shot.

Yeah, the naked archer is my number one pick. Right. Cupid. The fat little baby. The fat baby shooter. Right, the fat baby. The fat naked baby is your battle royale. Got it.

Yeah, that's right, Mr. Three-Foot Leprechaun. Oh, my leprechaun could totally beat up your Cupid. Not from a distance. That's true. So this is my air support, and it's going to be my first pick because I just don't want to. I like it. I feel like it's the one advantage here that, and you know what? It's tough because I'm not picking for a long, long time.

it's tough because I'm not picking for a long, long time. So if you'll let me have it. No. I'm going to go with the Headless Horseman around Halloween. Headless Horseman was one where I was like, I'm not sure. You don't see this thing other than a few days before or after Halloween. I'm not sure, but I'm not going to argue against it. He can't even see us. He's pre-cut.

I mean, you can't behead this guy on the battlefield. My one argument for you is we fired up the Disney Plus, and it was the Halloween collection. You know what was in there? Headless Horseman? The Headless Horseman. Oh, wait. What's the?

It's Ichabod. Hollow. Hollow. Sleepy Hollow. Sleepy Hollow. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wait. What's the... It's Ichabod. Hollow. Hollow. Sleepy Hollow. Sleepy Hollow as well. Sleepy Hollow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, look, I'm going to allow it.

I'm going to allow it. It's a little stretchy, but I'll allow it. And you know how well a Cupid-Headless Horseman combo is. I mean, that's one of the... It's peas and carrots. Just put the Cupid on top of the Headless Horseman. Oh, yeah. Just sit right on the shoulders that's a that's a scary looking headless horseman and i feel like having some cavalry in the battle is

important you don't have the horse to get around you got some speed i would agree with you that having a powerful four-legged beast of an animal is important. Oh, crap. Where are you going with this? I'm not letting you pair up, Mike. No! I am not letting you pair up. There's a different one I wanted, but when I looked at you having Santa, I cannot let you get Rudolph. I needed my right hand, man.

No way. No way. I mean, I've got antlers. I've got a light. I can fly. I've got antlers. I can fly. Do you know how big reindeers are like oh rudolph

the little cartoon no this is a reindeer they're big no i think rudolph's the run to the litter though right sure he's the smallest of the gigantic reindeer who can lift mr fat man up no problem over here um so now i've got you've got rudolph oh yeah. I mean, I'm certainly happy to fly around on Rudolph. My leprechaun riding Rudolph. Oh, yeah, baby. That is upsetting. That's a funny picture. That is upsetting.

I had fully intended that Rudolph was going to make it back to me. Santa Rudolph too powerful. Yeah, for a killer combo of death. You think Santa ever really rode Rudolph by himself, though? No, but if there are. That could have been a real backfire, Mike. That could have been a splat. They're already a good team.

They work well together. That's true. They have a history. I mean. He was ostracized. He probably wants to get back at Santa. Now you. Oh, yeah.

He's going to gorge him. Santa's the one who bailed him out. Did you say gorge? Yes. Did you mean gorge? Yes. Maybe he'll gorge on the blubber. He's going to feed him like crazy.

All I know is that Fat Man Santa is playing at two feet on the ground right now. Yeah, yes. Yeah. That's pretty embarrassing. All right, Mike. You got two picks. All right. I had to do a quick Google search, and the results are pretty inconclusive.

All right. All right. Because the size of this character, according to Google, they're anywhere between three and six feet tall. Whoa. So I lean on the six feet. I lean on the six feet tall. Whoa. So I lean on the six feet. I lean on the six feet side. What are you picking?

Of things. Oh, I mean, look, this, I need some speed, right? I need some speed on the ground. Okay. I've already got Santa doing his thing, being the commander of this army. Holly jolly. Old St. Nick. But the Easter Bunny.

The Easter Bunny is coming through anywhere between three and six feet tall. Can you imagine? You Googled Easter Bunnies? Size? I Googled how big is Easter Bunny. So this bunny is way bigger than regular bunnies. Oh, yeah. Have you not seen Hop?

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Jason. So this is more of a rabbit from Winnie the Pooh-sized rabbit. Can you imagine a six-foot bunny? Oh, those teeth are chompers? At full sprint, coming at you. That's called a kangaroo.

That would be terrifying. That is actually more scary than I thought. That's literally a kangaroo. The big hind legs can jump. Yeah, but they don't have the big tail. Yeah. Nor a pouch. Embarrassing.

That's true. That's true. Are you now describing that there's a peanut bunny and a kangaroo after you said they're the same? What magic does the Easter bunny have? Not a lot. I'm just going to ask for a... It's the only bunny that can lay eggs.

That's its magic. Yeah. Imagine how distracted you'll be when the candy's all over the field. He can incubate something. Imagine how me, Santa's the one that's going to be distracted. Yeah. He's got a sweet tooth. All right.

So you got the Easter bunny. I got Santa. I got the Easter bunny. And, man, where do you go when you have those two? I mean, so many places. So many options. I am going to go. Look, you got to.

I got Santa. Rudolph was stolen from me. Rudolph was stolen. The rug was pulled right from underneath me. But you won't stop the terrible twosome you do not want to get on the wrong side of mr and mrs claus wait you're taking this you're done right i'm taking mrs claus i was about to ask it when he picked santa i was gonna say does she have any magic or does she just give you a stern unwavering glance you can you imagine

the the the woman the strength of the woman who has to put up with the bull crap of Santa Claus for an entire year? That's a strong woman. Did you just talk down your first pick? Yes, he did. No, no. I just think that he puts out some bull crap. It's a pretty good.

He gets really stressed around December. I think Santa Claus is probably stressed year-round. That's just my guess, given the job responsibilities. But I'm going with both of them. I've got the team, the terrible twosome. Not what Jason was expecting. Not what I was expecting, but I do like it. It's hard to imagine in a fight going after Mr. And Mrs.

Claus. You know what I mean? Like, yes, I'm going to start with the other team first and then I'll be like, I don't want to kill you. I really don't want to hurt you. Thankfully, I got a leprechaun and he's a psychopath. OK, so this makes it easy on me because I knew I wanted to go when Andy said that he has the only, to his knowledge, ranged mascot here. And I'm thinking, no, you don't.

No, you don't. You have a bow. I have a right to bear arms. I'm talking 4th of July. Uncle Sam. Uncle Sam's over here and he's fully loaded. Oh, you're not taking them guns away from Uncle Sam. The only thing that Uncle

Sam, the only thing he can do is recruit. Well, he wants you to be on my team. And if you switch, if Santa comes over and fights for me. Have we considered that Uncle Sam is just a massive coward? Because all he

does is like, I want you to take care of the stuff that I don't want to do. Let me ask you a question. Most powerful military on the earth. Yeah, that's true. Is it Uncle Sam's? He's a darn good recruiter, my man. Darn good recruiter. He's going to get the most out of this leprechaun, I guarantee it.

Wow. And reindeer? Yes. Well, I mean, he's used to riding the cavalry you know that so wait to be clear what's your team right now right now i got uncle sam rudolph and a leprechaun and so i have to make i like it i have to make a bag i like i like what you're building i'll share a picture of uncle sam in our slack, and he is certainly bearing arms in that one. Okay.

My two picks. Uncle Sam's scared of bunnies. I'm just going to throw that out there for the voters at home. I want to be clear about something. I need a posse. I need a group of people, and they all come together when you get the conniving, creative, innovative, hardworking elves. I'm taking some of Santa's elves. I wondered if it would be a few of them.

And my heart says yes. It would be a few. It's not, hey, it's Santa's elf. No, I've never heard of that. And if they're not getting paid what they deserve, this is going to be the rebellion. Which they are not. Oh, no. They're going to take it out on Mr. and Mrs. Claus for sure.

This is a rebellion. And so I've got the elves. I joined Cupid and the Headless Horseman. Horseman leads them into battle. They come behind him running full speed. Oh, no. It's the meat shield of the elves. You just send them out there.

That's probably true. They're pawns. You come behind him running full speed. Oh, no. It's the meat shield of the elves. You just send them out there. That's probably true. They're pawns. You have a very short team right now. He's going to throw that out there. The headless horseman's very large. And he's on a horse. If there's one thing that I need to close the team out,

it's going to be the counterpunch to the Christmas spirit. Oh, no. And I'm going to take the demon. Oh, no, you are not. That is Krampus. No, that's what's gonna be my pick i'm taking krampus and he's going to go to town i mean he's the evil demon of christmas yes but he eats kids he might be a goat i don't know what he is so you're saying that for your team that has

uh a baby shooting arrows and like real tiny elves that kind of look like they might be children. You're going to get the magical creature that eats children. Better me than you guys getting them. Better me. You draft them and he's definitely. It was done. If Jason got Krampus, your elves are fully canceled. They're getting.

So you know what? Krampus is. And he's a hungry fellow. He's not Santa's brother, right? Gone bad? I don't think so. Some people say he's almost his brother. Is that where it is?

I don't know the true tale of Krampus. America's really lacking some Krampus. Krampus is... I'm fine with that. He's a very big story over in Europe. Santa and Krampus, they go to the houses together. Like, he's a very big story over in Europe. Santa and Krampus, they go to the houses together, and the well-behaved kids, they get the gifts,

and the misbehaving kids, they unfortunately are eaten. Yeah, and then the U.S. parents are like, oh, we've got to edit this down. You get a lump of coal. And then, meanwhile, the hardcore Germansans are like you get eaten by the crap that was it was that a direct quote that was the austrian barely i was gonna say arnold schwarzenegger's german now so it's the austrian version cupid headless horseman elves in krampus jason your final pick all right look i'm off to a hot start okay according to me according to me my team is

great um but i i realized that we we've we've talked a lot about battle and and um strategy and how we would approach how we would approach um such things if we were to go into the Hunger Games. And here I am realizing that step one was to hide. Step one is to wait to be seen. And I think... We got to get the shadows out of the dome, Andy. Yeah. No shadows allowed. If I see that shadow, Punxsutawney Phil's going right back in that hole, baby.

You're never catching my groundhog. Punxsutawney Phil's going right back in that hole, baby. You're never catching my groundhog. Punxsutawney. He will wait us out. I will wait you out. I'll come up. I'll see your shadow. See you later. See you in a year.

Oh, my gosh. You're just waiting him out. He'll be the last one. Everyone will kill themselves, and he'll come up, see no shadows, and say, I win. What a pick. Yeah, thank you. It's tremendous. Mike, you can close us out.

No more Claus family allowed. So, before we did this, it was like, can we make a list that is large enough to really have a good time, get enough picks? And it was, oh, this is no problem. But here you are. Here I am with the last pick of the draft, and I'm looking at my list.

It's not great. Not feeling good? There's not a lot of options. And at this point, I got to go with the full sympathy, empathy. I know this is a battle royale to the death. But how are you going to feel when on this team?

Like your little naked man at least has a weapon. Mine's just sitting here doing nothing. Just being adorable. Because I will take the New Year's baby and he's just going to sit there and he's going to say, are you a monster? Are you a monster of a human being? And then he'll be eaten by Krampus immediately.

You just fed Krampus. You literally just drafted cookies. You drafted a treat for the demon. I forgot you're just a baby eater. No. You have fueled Krampus. Your last two picks is grandma and a baby. Maybe Mr. and Mrs. Claus could make some more treats for Krampus.

It fell apart. It did. You were out. Oh, my gosh. Oh, no. You fed my teeth. Yeah, but maybe I'll distract him long enough. Oh, my gosh. Oh, no. You fed my teeth. Yeah, but maybe I'll distract him long enough. Oh, my gosh.

All right. Well, we finished it up. I mean, there were some other picks out there. There was Frosty the Snowman, right? Mm-hmm. I was worried about the sunlight. I didn't know how this goes because it's not really a holiday, but certainly the Tooth Fairy is like, you know.

It sort of fits in. She's friends with all these people. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, they have the same recreational sports. I wonder, Jack Frost was also a pick. Yeah. But the range of what Jack Frost was was very wide. Yeah, and I had, you know, like Father Time father time saint valentine saint patrick i don't

know what they're doing yeah i have no idea probably more than the baby oh the babies look so cute poor thing so i feel bad for it well you rampus doesn't all right uh let's go ahead and close this thing out. What did we learn today? I learned that you can just drop poop on people in their backyards, and that's A-okay. You're not going to have to even give them a free flight. There will definitely not be repercussions for this. No.

Poop shoot. Mike, what did you learn today? I know. I learned that Jason would excel at the hungry games and that the Easter bunny is enormous, much larger than I thought. Yes. I learned you should not mime brushing your teeth on a video podcast. Check the tape. That's going to do it for the Spitballers Podcast.

See you later. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com. dot com