Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: The Pigeon Song & The Best Older Generation Names - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 23, 2023

Spit Hit for November 23rd, 2023: Great news! On today’s show, we cure jealousy. We also discuss cutting off a limb, talking to pigeons, and seeing other people’s futures. We wrap it up with a draft of stereotypical older generation names. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. yeah we found out well there's the tuba everybody you've been waiting for the tuba they've been waiting for the wait the people the people have just demanded for that they demanded that. Well, the people don't always know what they want. You know what I mean?

A lot of times people are like, I want this show. And then we give them what they want. And they're like, regrets. Which is what they're crying from the rooftops right now. Yeah. I think a lot of people didn't ask for the tuba. And they're really mad at the other spitwads. They're like, why'd you want a tuba?

They were asking for the flute. Oh, maybe next time. Right before the show started, Jason says, how do you scat with a tuba? And he gave us just a little sample, a little dose, and he said, ah, well, we're about to find out. I didn't think you were going to do it, so I am proud of you for that.

Yeah, I mean, they said it couldn't be done. It also sounded a bit like a motor. Yes. To be fair, a tuba sounds really stupid and like a motor all the time. We do attack tuba players on a constant show-by-show basis. It's one of my favorite schticks. Now, tubas don't actually have any notes that change right you're just blowing through an object their goal is to get two notes you just you get such a

low frequency that the human ear can't actually tell what tell what's going on i thought yeah i'm with mike though it kind of sounded like maybe you were, like a mower was getting a start. Yeah, I had to jazz up the tuba. I didn't want it to sound all the way like a tuba or everyone would have stopped listening. All right. Well, welcome in. Nothing says episode 199 like a tuba scat. Episode 200 coming very soon. Oh, man.

I mean. Next week. Al Borland is not even in the studio right now. I can only presume the owl is missing today because of what he's building. The set that he is building for episode two. I would imagine. I mean. Wait, we're getting a new set?

I hope so. We'll find out. So he's busy doing that. Well. And we've got the judge in the house instead. Yeah. What's up, judge oh so today we have would you rather the situation room and we are drafting the best old-timey birth names yes so

this will be a lot of fun i believe that 99 of the names i looked up should return immediately and i'm only sad that i didn't name my three children any of these names because they're so sophisticated. Some of them just sound so sophisticated. Regal. Regal. Yeah, like these names come with a weight. They come with a butler on the side.

Like a butler comes with you. One of them might be a butler. That's true. I picture him more as a fancy English butler. But you can find the show on Twitter at SpitballersPod thank you for subscribing, reviewing the episodes

we appreciate it and let's get it going would you rather alright this one comes in from Steve, he says would you rather? All right, this one comes in from Steve. He says, would you rather never get angry or never get jealous? Are you more prone to one of these and therefore would want to remove it more easily? If that is how the question is to be understood,

like which one would be more beneficial to get rid of because you struggle with it more this is super easy because i struggle with one and completely don't struggle with the other one like i i can't remember being jealous like i don't think i get jealous of just about anything did you because i'm i'm the same way now i know why but the question oh well we can unpack that in a moment but like did you have did you ever have jealousy problems as a younger man no not really i i can i mean genuinely like i can remember a handful of times because you were just so popular that you expected people to be jealous of you yeah no no like i remember being jealous of a kid in in grade school i was i was uh

i was very jealous of him because he was six foot no he was such a good student like he never he never missed an assignment he He was always prepared. Really? That was the kid you were jealous of? I was like, he wasn't a procrastinator. And I was like, how does he? And he's nice? And he was like, I just, that kid.

This is in grade school? Yeah. Wait, so you were struggling in grade school? With procrastination. Oh, that's a light. That was out of the womb. Out of the womb. And I was a procrastinator. Just saying, generally's a light. That was out of the womb. Out of the womb. And I was a procrastinator.

Just saying, generally in grade school. He didn't have his first bottle for three days. You can procrastinate in grade school and still get 100% on everything. To be fair, this was 7th and 8th grade, which now is considered middle school. Okay, I would not call that grade school. I'd call that junior high. Where I went to school, we didn't have the separate. It was K through 8.

This explains a lot. It was K through 8. I went to the same school. So didn't have the separate. It was K through 8. This explains a lot. It was K through 8. I went to the same school, so back off, man. I was just going to say that maybe one of the reasons you don't get jealous is the second you see something that we have, you do purchase it instantaneously. I mean, you are famous for send me the Amazon link, and by the time I've finished describing the product, you've bought one. That is, okay, guilty as charged.

That is true. I certainly love getting all the latest gifts. You scratched the itch pretty quick. I am one that I feel very, very bad for people who have to feel they have to give me gifts because it's like if there's something I want, I got it. So maybe you are, in fact, a super jealous person, but you are so impulsive that you don't allow the jealousy to grow. It never can because it's called what?

The green monster, right? You never heard the wall in Boston? No. I mean, called, what, the green monster, right? You never heard that? The wall in Boston? No. I mean, jealousy is called the green monster. Green with envy. I've heard it called the green monster. I've heard it green with envy. I've definitely heard jealousy is green.

Yes. I've never heard the green monster. Green-eyed monster. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. Yeah, it's jealousy personified, the green-eyed monster. That's what I meant. Really? Yeah, it's jealousy personified, the green-eyed monster. But it has to grow. It has to sit there, and you have to watch somebody with something you want

for a long period of time. So I think we just solved jealousy for people. If you're out there and you struggle with jealousy, just buy or steal. Just buy or steal. If you want something that someone else has, just get it. Just get it. This is great advice. Thank you.

Wow. If you want to be happier, get endless money. Mo money, no problems. There you go. That's what Biggie taught me. So I guess then you're saying you would like anger removed so that you don't get angry man my kids would grow up so much healthier uh if i didn't have anger issues which are primarily children caused um and sports and and sports oh my goodness that's yes my biggest rage problems definitely stem from sports and more sports that I am watching.

It's a strange thing because our other show, The Fantasy Footballers, it's all about watching sports and doing those things. And yet, nothing brings me more joy and more rage than sports. Let me tell you a little secret, Mike. A couple years ago now, or i guess it was last year we went to an nba finals game together yes and we had the privilege of having a large group of people together yes and you and your friend were the angriest sports watchers i think anybody there have ever seen like literally see i know you yes so i i know what the level really is right sometimes you see people they react you go oh is he really a you know i know you're you were sports mad you weren't

like gonna kill a real person we don't need to alert the police right but some other folks there were like is he okay oh is he gonna be all right i do remember you taught that game uh and it wasn't just you it was you and and your buddy yes yes and you were both equally you were like building each your fire stoking the fires throwing coals in the anger yes uh i don't know why you guys didn't care about the game as much as i did it was a really important basketball game. Yes. I love it. So I think that... Now, do you get jealous? I certainly am. I've had moments in times in my life where I've been jealous,

but not so much anymore. But I'm more like Jason. I have an impulse buying problem as well. I'll figure out how to pay for this later. I'd get rid of the anger thing as well. And it's funny because you brought up the kids. I was like, I feel like 99% of all my anger ever is brought on by impatience. If I just had patience, I wouldn't get angry ever.

But I lose my patience and then it leads to anger so I think it's healthier isn't patience being able to endure without patience and wrath are like the inversion but I don't know like anger is maybe that's the wrong word

when I'm like I'm using screaming as anger I'm not, but when I'm using screaming as anger, I'm not angry at my kids, but they won't move. They won't move unless I yell. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, sure. So I think that that one is the easier one to get rid of.

It's healthier for everybody. And jealousy we got rid of. Yeah. We solved it. We solved jealousy. Fixed it. brooks all better um would you rather be able to talk to pigeons or read baby's minds interesting something you probably have not thought about before this dilemma this exact one no so like at the at different times. Sure.

I've thought about can I read a pigeon or talk to pigeons or read a baby's mind. Can I read a pigeon's mind. Poop poop poop poop eat eat poop poop eat

eat. Fly. Fly. There are very few. Grow a disease. Grow a disease. Very few maybe zero dumber animals in the world than pigeons. Pigeons are terrible, terrible creatures.

Because in general, I love almost all animals. I'm a very animal-friendly person. And I love birds. I had some bird pets growing up i had a gray cheek parakeet and he was awesome and it's like i love birds did you say gray cheek yeah oh neat it's a special that's cool or not special but they a unique kind of parakeet and pigeons give birds just such a bad rap and a bad name because there's a lot of city folk, right?

Their real only experience with birds is pigeons. And there's a reason you call them flying rats because they are very similar to rats and that they're always- It's like how Raiders fans give all the NFL fans a bad name. Yeah, sure. But pigeons always crapping all over your stuff. Oh, yeah.

Carrying disease. They're just obnoxious and in the way. And birds are really beautiful creatures that bring joy and life. Most birds are pretty great. Yeah, and pigeons, you know, God gave them the homing pigeon thing. Sure. Where, like, you can't even scare them. Like, you don't like them, so you want to scare them off.

And they're like, no, this is my home home for life they're too dumb to be able to scare off to scare them you have to be able to show something that instills fear and they're like they would fly they're on the on the road in front of cars that are moving and they're they barely see the cars before they get out of the way. I do have to slow down for them sometimes because I don't want to pummel one. They are so dumb. Okay. They're the moths of butterflies. Now, if you talk to them, it would not be a very fruitful conversation.

Yeah, but then reading a baby's mind. Well, hold on. Babies and pigeons might have the same levels of. I like to think that... Milk, milk, poop, poop, milk, poop in the same song, cry. I like to think when these questions are saying, would you like to be able to talk to an animal? It means that an actual conversation can happen.

Like, come over here or go get that. Yeah, you can explain to them them i do not want you here uh that's or like be like oh look at this house look at that roof oh you'd love it over there have you ever seen a roof like that over there that is not mine and they're like yeah that's a nice look at that roof yeah i will say that the opportunity for conversation here is far more prevalent in the pigeons than in the babies. Because while we have all had infants and raised babies. That time is gone. That time is gone.

And I'm not around babies very often anymore. Whenever I am, it's like, oh my gosh, I forgot how little a baby. I picked one up the other day. It's incredible. It was like the weight of a thimble. It was the lightest thing i've ever felt and while that is the much more valuable like it's clearly more valuable to be able to talk to a baby to communicate to get true needs and all that it's so infrequent at this point in my life i think i would find more use for the pigeons.

The pigeons? Because Mike brings up a great point. Like, I could convince these dumb, dumb birds to do whatever bidding I want just by telling them there's something shiny over there. And I mean- Or, if you don't leave, I'm going to shoot you with this pellet gun. And they would stare back at me and go, What's a pellet gun? Okay, that's not fun.

All right, one more here. Would you rather be in a room for a year with only one movie to watch or only one book to read? What? I thought this question was very interesting because, I mean... Takes you two hours to watch a movie. Exactly. One whole year. I thought this question was very interesting because, I mean, one.

Takes you two hours to watch a movie. Exactly. One whole year. I mean, maybe you could be strategic and you pick a real long movie, you know, like any of the Spider-Mans. Takes you three hours to watch a movie. Right. But the book, I mean, the book you could. Takes me three months.

Well, it depends on the book. I mean, because you'd have to pick a long book as well like when you i mean i'd rather have lord of the rings the book versus lord of the rings the movie right for a year wouldn't i but i'm saying like reading always reading gets a really bad rap mostly i think because of school because you're forced to do it as a kid and it and instead of building up this lifelong like desire to go read and go learn we are sending the wrong message here to kids and you reading is like a punishment like do if you don't do this get your reading done you're gonna be in your room reading a book this is this is not the way we need to be uh convincing kids to read books because reading is actually great i i i loved reading as a kid i kind of lost it and then every once in a while i'll find a great book

and sit down and you'll all read for two hours you go wow this this is actually great but my what i was getting to is if you actually sit down and read a book you're done in five to seven hours with with a decent sized book not me if you actually sit down and poop poop read read no i'm a slow reader it would it would take me is known as a very slow i really am like i i don't know if it's just dyslexia or what, but I've always been a very, very slow reader. But five to seven hours, I don't know about that. I mean, you must be really fast.

I mean, a big novel, you're not knocking out in five to seven hours. But a book that's like a couple hundred pages. But you're right. If that's all you're doing, you'll finish it in a day or two. I'm saying like look at the – when you're wondering how long is this book, look how long the book is on, like, Audible or something. True. And you're like, oh, eight hours.

That's true. That's really, and that's somebody, Mike making points here, reading it with performance. They're not just reading as fast as you read in your head. Which I would do if I was stuck in a room for a year. I would read with performance. Oh, I'd be doing characters and I'd have costume changes.

Every time that I switch characters, I'd be taking that jacket off, putting it on. I'd have blocking. I mean, this would be a whole production. I think the book is the way to go. And here's the truth. In a one-man show.

Look, after a year, you have a one-man show that's ready for the road. And it's gonna be hot. It's gonna be a magnificent masterpiece that will sell out everywhere. Books are better than the movies. I know that's something. Whenever you go see a movie, you hate the people that are like,

oh, I read the book. The book was so much better. They're the worst. Those people are the worst. But if you have read the book, then you are one of those worst people. Yes. I mean, like Harry Potter books, better than the movies. By a lot.

Yeah, because the books have eight hours of information versus two hours of it. It's just more in-depth. So, yeah, if you've got a year locked in a room, you have to take the book here. I'm just thinking of whether or not you got the movie. Maybe I could learn a foreign language by having the movie because you watch it enough times, you know all the words. Sure. Then you flip over to the other subtitles.

I don't know. Maybe. Maybe. This is where I'd make a joke of saying like Gimli saying, and my axe, but I do it in another language, but I don't know it. And my axe. See why it in another language but I don't know it and my axe see why I didn't make the joke alright would you rather understand

what everyone is thinking and my hacha I'm probably saying it wrong but yes I love that you only translated the one word and not the whole thing and my for those of you that don't speak Spanish, el niño means the niño. Oh, my goodness.

Okay. Would you rather understand what everyone is thinking or see everybody's future? Both of these are terrible. Terrible? Terrible. Absolutely terrible. No way. Understanding what everyone's thinking

would probably isolate you from the entire world yes awful awful because you would explain that because legitimately even the people that you love the most you have thoughts about them or about idiosyncrasies or things that would make people feel insecure and you they just pass through your brain you're not really doing much with. But if you knew what everyone around you was thinking about you all the time, I think you would find yourself potentially very insecure. Well, this isn't just what they're necessarily thinking about you. It's just what everyone is thinking, right? Correct.

Which would also include what they're thinking about you. But you're going to pick that out. I'm picking that out as a problem. I feel like the people around you are thinking about you way less than they're thinking about other things. Oh, 100%. So I wouldn't pick out the 2% here as the problem.

I think you could understand people's point of view. There's a lot to like here. I mean, clearly this is the wrong one to take out of the would you rather because the other one allows you to attach yourself to really successful people before they're successful. Okay. Right? I mean, the other one is like, oh, he's going places.

There it is. Yeah. Found your loophole for solving the jealousy problem, having the cash. Yeah. I mean, look, I know I'm going to see- Be good for gold diggers. Exactly. I could be, what's the opposite of a sugar daddy?

A sugar baby? I don't know. But I can just. A sugar baby? That's got to be it. Yeah, I mean, look, I'm going to see how everyone dies. That's unfortunate. That is a heavy weight, man.

But I already know everyone's gonna die without that without how like i know i'm i don't want to break this news to you but i know that you guys are both gonna die yes but if you knew that i was going to die in something tragic in a week and you're just sitting on that information then i would not lock myself to you because i know your future's been bright so i need i need to really catch up hey mike how's that how's that wheel looking you got that thing gotten it tightened up but no i can handle it for you let me take you to dinner my treat uh okay they're both heavy burdens, Mike. Which burden do you want the most? I suppose to everyone's future. We all have dark, terrible thoughts that you can't stop from happening.

They flash immediately, and then rationality takes over, and you work through it. But if all of those things were coming out of your mouth, it would not be good. You mean like, and my hacha. All right. Let's move on. The Situation Realm. All right, here's your first situation. Aliens arrive at Earth for the first time,

and you have been elected to make first contact. Congratulations. Yes. What one item do you show them to try and gain trust oh my goodness interesting take on this question i mean we've we've talked about aliens being the uh the liaison but i've never what is one item you show them to try and gain trust and that's a heavy that's i mean you've been elected to go and make first contact. This is a big responsibility.

It's gigantic. But you have to give them something. Now, I'll start us off here. Is it a bribe? Because you want to gain trust. So, for example, what if you gave them a chocolate chip cookie right that's not bad you give them you give them a food object that is desirable and then they eat it and they realize it's a gift immediately hopefully unless they don't like chocolate or are horribly allergic to

it because it was a midnight movie but um i, so that a bribe of some sort could be, and a dollar is not going to help. I mean, they don't use our currency. Anything you give them. They use alien bucks. Anything you give them could be considered a bribe. But I like the idea of, I hadn't, my brain hadn't gone to food. I was, well, first I was immediately reminded of in Mars attacks when they're meeting the aliens and they like let the

doves go because that's a a universal peaceful sign of peace and humanity it was not to the martians i did not see that movie so i don't know what happened well mars attacks yeah that's that's what happens they kind of give that away right in the title okay all right i haven't seen it either but pretty confident um they they shoot the birds okay uh and then i was thinking okay what if you had like if you just you play a song is there a song out there because because we humans we can understand music you understand certain music makes you feel certain things we don't know why but we what would you give them as an object like a cd well i would just you know not give it but okay you give them the gift of song i see perhaps i play i bring out the acoustic guitar what's the

song what's the song you're playing it's a very important question we will rock you really you're gonna start so you're trying to get them to stomp their feet yes clap their hands on this dude dude i mean who who can resist well you're gonna know if they're here to attack you play that song and you know because they don't get in on that yeah if they don't get in on the clapping you run yeah you turn your back and you run you leave the guitar that's just extra Now, I know what I'm giving them. Okay. I'm giving them the Declaration of Independence. Oh, really?

The OG Declaration of Independence. How are you going to get it, though? Well, look, if I've become the ambassador for the aliens and I'm told I get to give them anything, I'm pretty sure the United States government would allow me to give them the Declaration of Independence. But this serves three purposes. Purpose one.

Okay. They can see that we are intelligent. We want to govern. We want to be peaceful. Right? They can read this document. We value really, really, really old pieces of paper. Okay.

I'm not saying it's all positive, but there's positives. Right? So they can understand we are a peaceful people. This is our governing document, you know, one of. That's option one. Two, kind of a message here. Okay, we are free. We have declared independence.

We will not be ruled. Okay. We will not go quietly into the night. I am giving you our declaration of Independence just so you know. We claim this. This is ours. This is pretty crafty. But third. Okay.

There is a map. There's a map, yeah. On the back that has incredible treasure. So these aliens. You better have your lemon juice on you. Oh, for sure. And the little glasses. I need the Declaration of Independence and a fresh squeezed lemonade.

Yeah. So, I mean, clearly the Declaration is near the top of the list. What about a human head? Just throwing it out there. Oh, I don't think you want to show them. Where we come apart? Our only weakness. Our only weakness.

It's at the neck. Now we know how to defeat them. Their heads come right off. Where would you go severed head? In what situation? I'm not saying where would you get it. You could find one.

I don't know. I feel like we have a long storied human history of offering the heads of people. Yeah, that's fair. I guess you could give them a crown and just declare them the leaders. Yeah, if they show up in a flying machine. Bazooka, just declare us the leaders. Say hello to my little friend.

You know what it is? You could give them a stick of dynamite. Oh, there's a candle. Make a wish. That's the Bruce Willis line. Yeah, for sure. It's full Bugs Bunny just handing him a bouquet. It's a birthday cake with a stick of dynamite on top.

Oh, my goodness. All right. I think we solved that problem. Yeah. Goodbye, aliens. Earth is safe again. Situation room number two. You have to draw a tattoo for your wife and the artist will copy it

exactly what do you draw to try not to try and not be in the doghouse forever so the tattoo artist is going to take something you draw and and tattoo it onto your wife how safe are you going i can't draw art that's the question art is incredible to me like yeah i totally agree are you jealous of it sure yes that is something i and not in a that's an admiration way right yeah i'm not envious i i know my boundaries admire it yeah i just admire it but i can't believe that people like i can trace you know if it's like give me one of those really big light boxes a light table a real thin piece of paper and i can trace with the best i can trace i mean my point is if i don't what a skill over many years i have developed this skill of tracing. You should see me work.

See me work. You should see a time lapse of Jason working through a masterpiece. Oh man, it's going to be good. Now just don't make it too detailed under there. How do you work with dot to dots? You pretty good with the dots. My lines aren't very straight. Okay. Um, unless someone has done the dot to dots you pretty good with the dots my lines aren't very straight okay um unless someone has done the dot to dot underneath and i can trace it because then i'm good i am oh my goodness okay so what object are you doing like a basic shape no i know what i would i know what i would draw which a writing. I would write. His signature. Yes, my signature. Did I claim this? Yes.

Oh, man. That would be unbelievable. They pick the, just, they peel it back and show your wife. And it's just my signature. It's your signature. Eh? Eh? What do you think?

That's right. You belong. It's a cool cool signature i've signed for this that wasn't where i was going no we've uh we've actually talked about this i think i can write in nice enough lettering that's like the limit of my drawing. Okay. And I would write the luckiest. And while that sounds terrible. The luckiest? Okay. I didn't realize how that was going to come out. The luckiest woman in the world.

No, this is. Okay. So she gets it if she's listening right now. But the people, the Spintwads do not. Our wedding song is the luckiest by Ben Folds. And so I would put our wedding song title on there. And also. People definitely would know just when they see that.

Yeah. Well, they would know she's the luckiest for sure. And so it plays both ways. That's my. Is there a go-to thing that you can draw, Mike? For a tattoo? Yeah. Is it going to be the Stussy sign?

The S? The S? I can do that? That everyone doodled? A lot of practice in middle school. I can knock that thing out of the park. But if I have to draw a tattoo for the wife, it will just be a good old-fashioned heart because I can get that done.

Yeah. Boring and sick. Yeah, you do only get one shot at the heart. So if you mess up that and it's a lumpy heart. Let's see. Draw this heart that I hear so much about. Now, I know what Andy can draw. Yeah.

I started cackling when this question was being asked. Because Andy is well known around these parts. Andy has the most artistic ability of the three of us. And he will frequently doodle when, like, just is, like, you're not thinking about it. known around these parts andy has the most artistic ability of the three of us uh and he will frequently doodle when like just is like you're not thinking about it you're just doodling while you're having the conversation but it will turn into a very unique portrait of like someone in the office where it you're like it's a caricature it's a caricature of of that person and yet one thing will be off like you'll give

them it's kind of my style you'll give them like really really tiny arms yeah i have a portrait of me with one real wrong arm real time like the the strong hand from uh uh uh scary movie 2 or like a real elongated neck yes everything else is pretty pretty on point you but you do draw like a cowboy really well like you you often draw like a little. His name's Hickory Pete. Yeah. Oh. I see.

He's Hickory Pete. And he's a doodle I've done for years. The one doodle face. Not a great tattoo though. Yeah. The one doodle face I do, his name was Tubby. Oh. He should meet Hickory.

Let's go. We'll have a whole comic book. Yeah. All right. So Mike's drawing a heart. Hickory and Tubby. I'm making my wife the luckiest yeah i'm probably trying to do a doodle of not hickory pete probably more of a line drawing or something like i've doodled from time to time just to save you know i'll just say it's a geometric oh yeah you know what i mean no that's good i like that all right

very modern very modern that's what i'll tell her it's art it's nothing wrong with it it's art uh you are hiking with a friend when a boulder falls and pins both of you by the arm oh each of us by one arm yes yes i love this question oh so this i love this question this is like um the movie with uh 48 that was a franco hours which was based off a real thing that happened. 72 hours later. 128. 24 hours. I don't know.

It was 127. 127 hours. I was almost there, bro. So listen, you and your friend, it happens to you guys. The boulder falls. It pins each of you by the arm. You have two pocket knives. Okay.

No way out. Do you cut off your own arms or cut off each other's arms oh i i'm there's no chance you can't you can't do yours no chance this there's because that's what happened in the movie and i know it's grotesque to talk about well he didn't have a friend no he didn't have a friend so it's like like i feel like do cutting your own hand off is impossible i feel like it's impossible now i know that maybe after a certain amount of pain and time time and you start starving and you're in your your survival instincts kick in see the problem here is because i have a knife my friend is gonna have to cut his own arm off in front of a dead person

because i'm gonna use the knife no you're out i'm out you're out i'm out that doesn't sound like an easy way to go though it's a pocket knife oh man how are you going to end yourself every single cut on my or their arm would i would just faint this would be a slow bleed like i'm never getting through this i can't so he's going to unfortunately wish he was by himself i am now imagining you like okay i can do this i can't so he's going to unfortunately wish he was by himself i am now imagining you like okay i can do this i can do this and then just pass out one cut at a time and then five minutes wakes up okay oh that's right and then just eventually and then eventually i just die of blood loss exposure i never got to the bone. I just really hurt myself.

That story is still... Oh, it's gnarly. And it's real. It's an incredible story. Really difficult. James Franco really did this. I feel like you have to do the, I'll cut yours off, you cut mine off. I'm doing my own.

Are you really? Yeah. So me and you are in this situation, Mike. I'll handle both of you. So Mike does both. No you really? Yeah. So me and you are in this situation. Mike? I'll handle both of you. So Mike does both. Oh, no, that's fine. Here's the only reason why I want you to cut my arm off, is I can look the other way.

That's it. I know the pain's gonna be there, but I can look the other way while you do it. Now you are gonna have to break the bone. I might be able to survive that. I might be able to survive if someone else is doing it and I look the other way, but I have to have them. Give me the whiskey. You've got to be incredibly aggressive.

You know what I mean? Oh, it's you go. You go, go, go, go, go. You go until it's done. No try 57. No. You know what I mean? This is why you hike with whiskey, though.

Oh, yeah. You still have a free arm. Grab that bag. One of the top tips I have for hiking. Yeah. What do you put in your camel pack? Water? Everybody should bring all the equipment to sufficiently cut your own arm off.

I always hike with a bone saw. A bone saw. All right. Well, let's. Good thing I have this bone saw. It could be useful. Let's get into the draft. The Spitballers Draft.

Well, I said it at the top. We are drafting the best old generation names, names that are no longer common. Little baby boys and little baby girls, not commonly named what they were named in yesteryear. But today we are picking our favorites, the best old generation names. And like I said, when I went through this list, to me, it's like, let's get back to this. There are some good ones.

These are outstanding. And so, Jason you have the the great honor oh man to to draft this is the worst draft we've ever done for having the 101 like even when you do months i don't know december was great i've got a clear 101 here oh clear i do not now i want clarity speaking of clear when we say the best old-timey names are we really meaning the worst old-timey names no so we're saying well i mean you can do it however you want it encapsulates a lot of things it's basically like the best okay if it's the best because i was seeing it almost in reverse if it's the best here's a name but the best is kind of the worst what that was this is the confusion but that but i just mean like what makes it great is that it's so

bad. Iconically old timey. Thank you. It's so old. So iconic. You can't get more iconic than this and I think part of the reason this name isn't used anymore is because it became a classic character in a great movie.

Oh it's on my list. And I'm going to Kansas. I'm going to be. Oh Oh, it's on my list. And I'm going to Kansas. I'm going to be. Oh, no, it's not on my list. I know where you're going. I'm going Dorothy. Okay. My grandmother's name.

Yes. See? Yes. Yeah, my grandmother's name is Dorothy, who nickname Dot. You know. Really, Dot? Yeah, Dot is the nickname for Dorothy.

I almost put Dottie on my list. Okay. Is that short for Dorothy? That's long for Dot. But Dot is nickname for Dorothy. I almost put Dottie on my list. Okay. Is that short for Dorothy? That's long for Dot. But Dot is short for Dorothy. Yeah, I mean, some of those bounce around. There's a way that Bob is short for Robert or Robbie. Like no one's birth certificate says Bob.

Someone's does. No, it doesn't. Yeah, really, they don't. I mean, you're sure someone's does, but most people's do not. Uncle Bob's did. So you went with Dorothy. I'm sure someone's does, but most people's do not. Uncle Bob's did. So you went with Dorothy. I'm a little sad. I thought I'd be able to draft my grandmother's name, but thanks for taking that away from me.

All right. I should have just looked up my family tree. I'm going to go with another female name as well from yesteryear. I'm going with Martha. Oh, yeah. I'm going with good old-fashioned Martha, who i'm sure my grandmother has some friends that were named martha superman's mom martha yeah i believe it's also batman's mom i don't know how they got away with that look i know all i know is that when i am going to the church lunch and

martha has made some coleslaw or something and she's put it out there it's really good you know what's that's full fat mayonnaise you. You bet it is in that cooking. So Dorothy and Martha and then. Okay. Now, Mike, you, you've got a couple of picks.

Great news. My one-on-one. Okay. All right. Made it through the gauntlet of your two picks. I'm going to kick this one off with a good old-fashioned Archibald. Oh. Is that your 101?

That's my 101. It's amazing that you had such conviction about Archibald as the number one. It was not on my list. I mean, I believe that Archie. It's a great name. I believe Archie would be a shortened version. It's got the word bald in it, which is just it makes it inherently funny. And old.

Archibald. I love it makes it inherently funny. And old. Aren't you bald? I love it. Yeah, I am, Mike. Aren't you bald? Great. I love the pit. And it's a three-syllable name. Which gives it a little bit more oomph. You have more gusto in your name.

If you got three syllables, not many names do. Dorothy. Right? Yeah. So Mike and I both have three syllables. Marith names do. Dorothy. Right? Yeah. So Mike and I both have three syllables. Athlete. All right. So we're going to start it off with Archibald,

and then we're going to follow that up with a lady's name. We're going to go with Gertrude. That's a good one. That's a good one. Oh, my gosh. I should have seen the Archibald-Gertrude combo coming. I can't believe you both let them slip through. Oh, my gosh. I should have seen the Archibald-Gertrude combo coming. I can't believe you both let them slip through. Oh, genius.

But here dominating the beginning of the draft, Archibald and Gertrude, they were married in 1917. Oh, you bet they were. They made it through the Dust Bowl. They only lost five of their seven children. Yeah. I mean, but they made it. But they made it.

To the ripe old age of 51. When was the Dust Bowl? Is that a thing? Was that during the Depression? I believe it was. Surrounding the Depression? Yeah, you don't know the Dust Bowl, Jay? No, no, it's a drought-stricken southern plains region of the United States.

Yeah, it was not a good time in the United States. Yeah, that doesn't sound good. Yeah, when you can't grow food. 1930s. Okay, yeah. So, yeah, right after the, that's in the Depression era. Yeah, yeah, okay.

But Archibald is, Oh, Archibald made it through. He is strong. Yeah. All I hear now is Archibald. By the power of the consonants in his name. Archibald. That's all I hear now.

You say Archibald, and I'm like, stop it. Some of the reasons they don't name bald that's all i hear now you say archibald and i'm like some of the reasons they don't name kids that anymore yeah that's that was the worst insult at school all right so archibald and gertrude are great uh look i i'm going with not the nickname version the full name uh i'm gonna go with the gentleman's name now after martha to join martha and uh it's gonna be theodore oh it's on my list. Theodore and Martha. Look, they made it through as well.

I feel like Theodore is, but Theodore is like, you can still use that. Because it was a president. Well, and because of the Teddy nickname, I think that makes it easier. No, Theo. Sure. Theo is still out there. Well, I have a friend who's got a child. One of my friend's kid is Theo as well it's like then theodore but it does hit the triple uh the syllables right

what i don't know is if he is uh cracking wise if they hit him with the theodore oh yeah i don't know with the old it sounded like he's a chipmunk i I got you. I was not there on Alvin and the chipmunks. Simon and Theodore? Yeah. All right, so Jason, you got Dorothy, and now you got two picks. Oh, they're going to be so good. This is go time. They're going to be so good.

Well, look, the first one I've got to go with is a name that is the middle name for my father. My father hates this name so much. Was it his father's name? I don't know. Maybe his grandpappy's name. But my father always hated his middle name because it was super old for that generation. And I don't know anyone who's been named this name in a long, long time. But it's Eugene.

Eugene is very – names don't start with E anymore. Right. You know what I mean? When you start your name E-U-G, those are letters – There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere to go but Gene. Those letters are just not really used in names much. Okay.

So you've got Dorothy and Eugene. Dorothy and Eugene. We've all made a couple here. And now. Now what are their kids' names? Now, did your father know that he is, as an American citizen, he could legally just go change that? I don't.

Where do you go to change your name? Do you have to go to the DMV? You go to the DMV. Oh, yeah. They don't let you change your middle name. I'm sorry to tell you. That's permanent. That one stuck.

That one sticks. Okay, I'm going to go back to the female name. I'm going to go back to... Look, I've got Dorothy. She needs a sister. And a lot of times, you name your siblings with the same letter. Yeah. And so, Dorothy.

No. Meet Dolores. Oh, it's on my list. Dolores is a good one. Dorothy and Dolores. Dolores is the name. That is an old-timey name. Wow.

That is a good one. The sisters. Dorothy and Dolores. Oh, man. Born in 1899. Oh, man. From when they came on the transcontinental railroad mike's just hitting the historical references through and through all right is it back to me it is so jason you have dorothy eugene and dolores i have martha

and theodore and now i have estelle oh i. I'm going with Estelle. I mean, what is that? What is that? Estelle, get over here. I mean, that is an old-timey name, so I feel good. There's a famous Estelle, right? Yeah, there's a British rapper. Is there?

Yeah, goes by Estelle. Oh, I thought like someone's name, like Ben Stiller's mom or something like that i know no real estelle estella well estella is a different name also would qualify for this there is a rapper 42 years old named estelle well there you go but it's so estelle harris is the most yes so that's what i was gonna say sorry to interrupt go ahead andy no that's the mother from is that the mother from everybody loves raymond no that's what I was going to say. Sorry to interrupt. Go ahead, Andy. No, that's the mother from. Is that the mother from Everybody Loves Raymond? No, that's George's mom in Seinfeld.

Oh, that's what it is. I knew it was. Yeah, okay. I knew I'd heard it. So you're telling me that England has given us Estelle and Adele. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What's next? England? We don't know. All right, Mike. Archibald and Gertrude. Powerhouse picks. Yes. Archibald and Gertrude, powerhouse picks. Yes. Archibald and Gertrude.

And like I talked about, the kids that made it through the Dust Bowl to go into the Great Depression there, first there was their son Seymour. That's a good one. Grade school got rid of that name. Grade school said you are no longer allowed to get rid of that one your kids seymour wow archibald gertrude and seymour yes powerhouse and seymour was often seen tending the field yes uh the cabbage fields with um with his brother big Big part of big cabbage. Yes.

So yeah, this is where I thought you were going with an old timey name who created a legendary movie franchise. And he was often famous for going certain places. And I'm going to go with Ernest. Oh, it's on my list. Mr. P. Worrell himself. So Ernest and Seymour out there making was Ernest and Oh, it's on my list. Mr. P. Worrell himself. So Ernest and Seymour out there making sure. Was Ernest an honest man? Oh, honest and Ernest always.

Archibald, Gertrude, Seymour, and Ernest. Ernest scared stupid was so scary. That movie. I'm glad that you mentioned that because that was one of those movies that I remember seeing it in the theater with my sister and my pops. And I was shook to the core. I was not allowed to watch those movies. Like smart parents.

Oh, I mean, just like in the movie theater seat, just frozen. It's a scary movie. Just frozen in total fear. It wasn't supposed to be. I mean, mean yeah it's just it's like a funny comedy disturbing is it like because it takes you into like a weird place well versus jump scare or was it jump scare um there's probably some jump scares in there but it's like a bad guy is is uh like freezing people or something like that and then i've

and then i had watched it years later as an adult. It was, whoa, whoa, whoa. This was scary. Yeah. It's like Pee Wee's Big Adventure that's scary. Yeah, you can see. Because that guy was a creep, and we all knew it subconsciously. You can see, like, watching Ernest Scare Stupid as an adult, you would think there's no possible way that this is scary to a child

because this is just silliness. But as a child, it was terrifying. All right. Archibald, Gertrude, Seymour, and Ernest. I'm going to make my final pick. I have Martha, Theodore, Estelle. And I'm going to end with an old-fashioned Harold. Oh, yes.

Harold is just got back from another shift at the old Treasury Trust Bank. I'll say Harold's making his way up at the local paper okay harold uh he likes to shout things oh no all right jason you are thank you up you have dorothy eugene dolores what are you closing it out well i i think i was a little bit jealous of archibald um and so I with the last pick I'm gonna get some with just as much weight just as much regality impossible as many syllables and I'm gonna take Reginald oh yes Reginald yes I didn't realize how important syllables were in these drafts yeah I mean if it wasn't for my my dad uh like I had to get Eugene. I had to. Right. Because what a bad name.

Papa. But otherwise, I have all three syllables. I've got Dolores and Reginald and Dorothy. We could hit one more round. I'm just saying. We could slide back through for a fifth pick. Reginald, is it the actor or the character's name from Family Matters? The father. I will vet it. is it the actor or the character's name from Family Matters?

The father. I will vet it. It's more of a you question. I'm not sure. I'm asking it to the world. It looks like it's the actor. Yeah, the actor's name is Reginald. Look at this guy. He's a happy man. He was the ultimate

television dad. He's a good, clean cop. He was taking down dirty cops. And he's just Reginald. He's getting it done. Yeah, but that was Carl Winslow. Ain't no Reginald. That's also an excellent name.

So are we wrapping or do we want one more round? Well, the people have already heard you tease this next round. So why don't you make one more pair So we got to go one more round. I was not prepared, but I could go a bunch more rounds. That was the opposite of... You want credit for not being prepared, then you're dunking. You are the actor accepting your award. I didn't expect this pulling up your list of people to thank.

Yeah, I wasn't prepared for next in line is kind of what I meant. Oh, okay. I'm going to have to abandon my three syllables here, but there is a name that, I mean, most of these names, like you just brought it up, Reginald. There was an actor, Estelle. I don't know anybody that's ever been named in the modern day Maud. Oh, yes. M-A-U-D-E. But like Harold and Maud was a famous play growing up.

Maud is like, what a terrible name. And now you've got both of them. Yeah. I've got Harold. I've got Maud. Oh, you took Harold. Okay. All right.

Maud. What is that all about? It's about a young man who... Oh, no, that's Maud. ...befriends... A nice shade of Maude. It's a squad. We know that.

Ironically, the old play, this old play is about a young man who befriends an old woman. So this old play was an old woman named then. Yes, it was. And by the way, was like pretty much the first time i met jason was when he was in harold and i was here oh wait you starred in he did which one were you not mod i was harold okay uh is it a two-person show pretty much uh primary there's more but all right he considered it more of a one-man show um all right martha theodore estelle harold and i am very pleased to finish with a name that doesn't even look like it's spelled correctly

gladys oh glad i'm going with gladys which is g-l-a-d-y-s because we can do that. We're allowed to do that. Gladys. So Gladys is my final pick to join Harold. It's a sensational name. Miss Knight in the pips. I don't know the last Gladys. When's the last Gladys? Gladys Knight. Yeah, I know, but I'm just saying. Since Gladys Knight.

Was she the final? I mean, when you're as awesome as Gladys Knight, I don't know that you can keep that name going. I was going to say, wouldn't it be neat if they retired names like they do jerseys in this major sport? So it's like once a good one comes and hits, they're like, no. America has retired Gladys. Gladys is done.

You need to go to Canada if you would like to. Up to the rafters. You've got to go to Canada if you'd like to have a Gladys. All right, Mike, your final pick. All right, I am very torn between two names. One has the syllables, but one just sounds way older. That's a tough call. All right.

I'm going to go with the older sounding one. You have enough syllables through the rest of your team. You can afford it. All right. We'll go with this name. I'm going to go with Orville with orville redenbacher i mean you're talking about word association good pick like orville aside from mr redenbacher orville i mean it's what's amazing is it's hard to say all of these names i want I want you to realize, all of these names were the names of these people as babies.

Yes, there was a baby Orville. There was a baby Martha. Orville. A baby Harold. A baby Gertrude. Orville. I mean, that's just amazing. You spelled the oval wrong.

They'd probably call it like Gertie. Did you say Anvil? No. Come here, Gertie. Oh, they nickname them all? Yeah. I think Gerd was probably pretty serious back then. I don't know.

It's the word. Reginals, get over here. All right. How many do we have not drafted here? All right. I'll just... The one I was... Give me some of your favorites that are left over.

I was very torn between Orville, which is just a funny name, and Bernadette. Peters. Yes. I've Bernadette. Peters. Yes. I've got Blanche. Yeah. And Wilfred and Alfred. Yeah, I got both of those. They're butlers.

They're both only butlers. That's why they stopped naming them, because they knew if I name him Alfred, he's got to grow up and become a butler. For a superhero. Right. Ethel. Oh, that's a good one. Bessie.

That's a cow. I know. We think it is, but there's people. Atticus. Is that a name? Yeah. Yeah. Atticus Finch.

I thought that's the counting tool. Oh, yes. It's an abacus. It's a math tool. Yeah, there you go. Abacus. What did we learn today learned how to get rid of jealousy

oh man you just infinite money you just buy your way out did you learn anything today Mike I did I learned the song of the pigeon oh my god fly poop poop poop eat eat fly

I guess I relearned that Archibald really is the 101 in that draft. All the syllables, all the old name, Archibald. I mean, how? Archibald, Jay? How cranky is Archibald? Oh, get off his lawn. Permacolic from birth for Archibald. All right, that'll do it for today, Spitballers.

Thanks for tuning in. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.