Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: The Soothing Sounds of Vomit & The Best Dog Breeds - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 28, 2023

Spit Hit for December 28th, 2023: Tune in today to hear all about Mike’s future invention to help humanity. We also talk about alligator survival, FPH rates, and sketchy stairs. In the situation room, we tackle a real moral crime dilemma. Lastly, we close this thing down with a draft of our favorite dog breeds. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Yippee-yip-skip-skip-big-a-dee-bow-wow! Okay. All right. Huh?wow. Okay. All right. Huh? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Ah. Yeah. Ah. Solid through and through. Different. New. Yeah.

No burnt edges. It wasn't like the middle was only good. The whole, everything was good. The crust. Topical. Looks like it's going to be a good. Oh, topical. I didn't even.

Bonus points. Yeah. Catch on to that. I was enamored with its flow. I didn't need it to be topical. It wasn't even very rough. It was. That was.

Okay. That was. Bow wow. That's another dog joke. Another dog joke. Got anything else? I will. I will.

But right now I feel a little. Give me some time. I got to. Got anything else? I will. I will. But right now I feel a little collared. Give me some time. I got to. Oh. What? I don't know. I feel a little collared. Yeah.

No, I mean, it's fine. Is that something anyone has ever said? If he had said muzzled, it would have been way better. Yes. Yes. Well, you know, stick around. We got a long show for you here, Spitballs. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast.

We got a long show for you here, Spitballs. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Today we are drafting the best dog breeds. Yeah, baby. I am drafting them entirely based off of one thing that I will reveal later. Oh, man. My interest is piqued. Because I don't know a lot about dogs i hope that it is aesthetics

because i believe that well i guess behavior is sometimes taken into account but most people when they get a dog they're like that's the dog i like to look at i hope it is purely weight you can't muzzle my opinions oh oh okay all right quit hounding it right now let's let that where are you you're just throwing in dog words. Yeah. Somebody put Jason on a leash, please. Okay, see, that's a good one. All right, all right.

I'm going to work on it, though. I'm going to keep this up. I feel like you worked on that one, and it didn't come out right. Someone snipped this guy's ears. Like, what? It's not something people say. Yeah. I get it.

I'm going to work. Quit tailing around. Yeah. See, it. I'm going to work. Quit tailing around. Yeah. See, that was a real good one, Mike. Oh, we've got to neuter these jokes. Oh, there it is. Would you rather the Situation Room? Lots going on.

Better hit this button right about now. Would you rather? I didn't think there would be a category of that was bad even for us but we're entering that category uh graham from the website would you rather spend 10 hours in a 10 by 10 room with 100 people inside or three hours in a 30 by 30 room with just you and an alligator. Oh man, this took a turn. I did not expect the C coming because a 10 by 10 room with a hundred people. I don't,

can you, can you fit a hundred people in a 10 by 10 room? That's where we got to start. I mean, you can fit, that's a hundred square feet. So, and how many,

how many square feet does like an average person need well i take up more than one so i i take up at least one and a half you will be touching probably two square feet and how long is this for 10 hours now the alligator thing is can i honest question 30 by 30 can i evade an alligator? Not for three hours. Yeah, not when he gets hungry. You can evade an alligator a little bit. Like, you know, we see videos of people that can, you know, run away, and he's not going to just chase you down forever like his life depends on it.

And 30 feet, that's a good run. I mean, that's a little bit of, like, can you jump over an alligator? You can try. I mean, like, if worse comes of... Can you jump over an alligator? You can try. I mean, if worse comes to worse, can I jump up and try to land on its snout and then hold it shut? Yeah, you can definitely... So if I capture the alligator, I could hold it closed for three hours. Theoretically, yes. Theoretically.

Because their jaws, the muscle of the jaws go the other direction for ours. Which I heard you can... So you can hold it closed, yes. But I mean, first you have to get there there can i wait for it to fall asleep uh there is a chance that the alligator just hangs out for three hours and does nothing yeah i want to know the last i need the last meal schedule i need to know was this guy just fed he's coming in full might be a little groggy uh you know is not starving or like yeah he he last ate tuesday and go now in the 10 by 10 room jason how how many farts will you emit during 10 it won't matter the the bo in that room will fart you can fart away you know there's you're not

smelling any of those gases we have talked a lot about jason go ahead answer the question i mean you're smelling everything that the heat in that room yes the heat in that room there's not an air conditioner or a refrigerator powerful enough a hundred people in a hundred square feet what's your fph feet per no you're far per hour what you normally, what are you emitting? I just want to know if you'll suffocate in here. I'm probably a three or four FPH. Your FPH?

So three and a half FPH. But the problem is there's no way in this room over 10 hours you're getting zero farts. That's so many. That's impossible. Well, if everybody has a standard FPH of about one to two and you're at four farts that's so many that's impossible well if everybody has a standard fph of about one to two and you're at four there's probably some other do you think that's a realistic number i don't either no it's probably like 0.25 yeah that seems a little too high depends on your diet but the intake yeah uh what i was gonna say is that let's say you're in that situation you're

with the hundred people we don't talk about bo enough we talk a lot about other smells Let's say you're in that situation. You're with 100 people. We don't talk about BO enough. We talk a lot about other smells. But some of the worst situations you can find yourself in are like I've had recently HVAC contractors come to the house. Long project, long part of the day. So manual, working that manual labor, that blue collar life. Up in the attic. Yeah. Oh, they're in the attic?

They're going to get stinky. Yes, they are. But then they want to hang out and kind of introduce you to their work and what they've done. Show you around a while. And so it's like, on one hand, I need to know how to use the thing they installed. On the other hand- Sir, can you write this down, please? You are emitting an odor

that is permeating the fabrics on my furniture. Please don't point up there. Keep your arms to your side. Yeah, so I mean, that's a... It would be a problem. What's your worst BO situation? Have you ever had one when you knew that you were

emitting? Maybe you forgot the odorant that day and you are stuck slash trying to find a way to yeah there's uh to hide i mean certainly there have been like oh you forgot deodorant and there is none available and you and you know you're like oh crap and you take that little whiff you're like oh yeah the oldfee. And then what happens from that point is your elbows are so locked to your hips or to your sides that you start creating more problems. Because it's getting sweaty. Absolutely. You are sweating so much.

Like you could trap it. You're nervous. It's hot. And so now it's getting worse and worse and worse. And you know, if your arm goes up, it's hot and so now it's getting worse and worse and worse and you know if if your arm goes up it's a real problem so I think we've all been there but I don't in those situations when you know I'm trying to avoid people yeah I'm certainly not wanting to walk close to someone or but there have been times where you are um around someone else who's doing something like you just said,

showing you around. I remember once I was at a store. I was a worker, and there was a patron that I had to help, and this patron could not have had a home, and I believe they did, but they did not use it. They did not use their showers or bathtubs in as long as ancestral got it yeah and wow they were so smelly and i didn't know what to do like the whole aisle the whole aisle of this you can leave a um was it like a peppy lepew type of trail skunk trail skunk trail so i managed to google something and this social tables.com

came up there and it was how many square feet per person standing six square feet per person is a good rule of thumb for a standing crowd so if you have 100 people six square feet if you have 100 people you should plan for 600 square feet for For a party. That's not a concept. No, no. But I'm saying that's the rule of thumb. And you know how much space you have at a cocktail party. It's not always a ton. A human emits 80 to 1,050 watts of thermal energy.

I'm trying to figure out. Haven't you ever heard the saying of like one human equals 100 watts? Have I heard that? No. No, I mean, I've heard people say that you emit the amount of like a light bulb, like a certain wattage of light bulb and heat. I'm just trying to think about how hot it's getting. Oh, it's going to be.

It will be terrible. It will be absolutely awful for 10 hours. You will be squished. You'll be shoulder to shoulder. You'll be tummy to tummy. Everything's going to be a really big problem, but you will live. Because the alligator's not there. But the alligator is not in this 10 by 10 room.

But if you're in a room with an alligator i mean you have high probability of death and i can't think of a a whole lot of ways worse to go than an alligator and being chomped alive by sharp teeth right let me let's think about this i know we're teasing out different things jason you're bringing up that being the worst way to die one of yes it's a pretty bad way to go but do you die oh yeah you bleed out but i'm thinking like most of the time these alligator kills they grab you they pull you under the water and they spin you right well you drown yeah if you're in water it's going to drown you if you're on just land you're going to bleed out because i don't know if the alligator is going

to go go for throat like where it's like instinctual for a dog. I know what to do. Oh, that's great. This is great news. I know what I would do. Whenever I'm encountering an alligator, what should I do? I have the key. And, by the way, Brooks, I didn't know. You pretty scared of alligators?

They might be, like, my tops, like Jason and spiders. Really? I don't have to encounter them. Yeah, luckily, no. They're not crawling on your walls? There's not just an alligator in the corner. They are so terrifying. But here's what you do you give them part of your body that won't kill you as a donation oh that's called an appetizer my friend you are piquing your interest you're making it hungry but look they've got two what are you how what are you giving it like are you

ripping your ear off what are you doing here your leg man how you want to? Are you ripping your ear off? What are you doing here? No, you give him your leg, man. How? You want to know how you give him your leg? You go up to the alligator and start chopping on you. This is not good advice. Not good advice. When an animal could bite you in the neck, you let them bite you in the arm. The arm is fine. But your leg, what's the artery?

What's the femoral? Femoral. I've moved to arm. The one in the war movies where they have to clamp it closed. They're like, oh, this person's going to be gone real soon. Is there any way you can grab the tongue? Can you hold on to their tongue and pull their tongue? Yeah, but then they will be holding on to your arm at the exact same time.

I'm the only one thinking outside the box here. You are. How long can you swing an alligator around by the tail? same time and i think i'm the only one thinking outside the box here hey what you're you are how long can you swing an alligator around by the tail okay because so long as you're swinging that mouth is far from you can i do that for three hours and you left an alligator does the alligator enjoy it and then are you friends afterwards right maybe i made a maybe i made a pal helicopter ride and then it's just like hissing at you. Adult males are 500 pounds. Oh, you're toast.

He goes straight for the tail. He just starts. He just chomps you. I can't imagine anything more terrifying. What are they, like 400? 200. Really? Yeah.

Them some big boys. Wow, that is a big size difference. 500 to 200 pound usual difference. Did something just fall down on our set? Something fell off the wall. I don't know what it was. Someone let us know later. It's okay.

No one cares. I'm going to go with the alligator. I'm going to give him my arm. I'll go in the room. Oh, man. I am going to have the rest of my life looking back at the horrific, traumatizing situation I had in the room with the people, but I will look back and be alive.

So I will choose the 100 people and the 200 degrees. When you're done with that room, then going on like a subway. That's going to be nothing. This is easy. Yeah. You're just desensitizing yourself for the future. I'm figuring this alligator out. It ain't getting me. I mean, you've got to close the mouth.

Well, no, I really think that we have this happen. We come out. We're dehydrated. We're barely conscious. And Andy just strolls out because the alligator slept for three hours. That's what's going to happen. If you can catch it while it's sleeping. Offer it a pillow. Just wrap all your clothes up and lift it, set up, and just shh.

If you get to bring one item in with you, what item would you bring in with the alligator? Stilts. Oh, that's not a bad one. That's really not a bad one. It's probably knocking my stilts down. Yeah, you'd need more like a ladder. I don't think he would knock the ladder down. Like just a plain aluminum one?

The 500-pound alligator is taking that down. I'm not saying he couldn't but i don't know if his brain it is do you die if you're in a a whole suit of armor no like knight's armor because it will grab you and i don't think it'll spin you around and stuff but you don't get a full suit you get one piece of the armor right yeah well like chest plate probably the legs yeah the level yeah probably the legs because it will go for the legs first right you can't jump right these aren't jumping alligators i don't know now i have like can an alligator can it go up on its tail i'm not even sure it can turn like do that if it can't

turn at a hard enough right angle i can get away from this thing they i think if they do gradual lefts i'm good i'm not sure if that's actually true or just a myth. I'm just making it up right now. I don't know if it's true. It just looks like the kind of thing that can't take a hard right. They can jump. They're very fast. I know. It's straight line speed, though, right?

They've never seen me juke. Yeah. Can they handle a crossover? Let's see. Probably not. 35 miles an hour. Welcome to the alligator hour. 35 miles an hour on land yeah no they get tired

quickly though tyreek hill can't do that what yes that's a really fast what a monster 500 pounds running 35 miles an hour dinosaur after so i guess i'm that is a dinosaur it's terrible they can also jump five to six feet no no they can't what i'm reading that's probably from water no that's what they can jump higher from uh from water but they can still jump five feet from later oh my gosh so that so the i the what with their stump legs that's what my mind is blown what kind of achilles tendons are in these alligators i'm i gotta i gotta find some footage of an alligator jumping. All the dinosaurs could jump? It changes everything. We're lucky that meteor showed up. Yeah.

Right on time. We would not be around. Do we stay with the alligator the rest of the show, or are we moving on? Wow. Out of the water, alligators can really jump. Might as well be a shark. They just swim, and then they go out? Yeah, and the tail just...

What, like a dolphin? Yeah. What? Oh, I'm talking like whole body straight up out of the water. Wow. All right, next question. Brooks is definitely not more afraid now. Stay out of the swamp.

We're moving our company to Florida, by the way. Do not try to jump the alligator. Oh, because it'll just jump up and get me. Yeah, you just became a game at that point. Can you pretend you're an alligator with it? Go to the ground? I've seen alligators fight alligators. Oh, dang it.

Yeah, there's no winning here. Be in the room with the people. All right, all right. Emily from Patreon, would you rather live in rural Alaska and never have to work another day in your life or live on a beach in a beautiful tropical climate but you have to work until the age of 67 so alaska seems like i've never been but seems like a very beautiful place at times but then there are going to be times where it's always nighttime

uh and very cold if you're yeah very very cold if you're in rural alaska i think you're working every single day of your life that's just to live that's literally what this read to me is it's like never have to work another day in your life for a company but you do have to work all day every day to to stay alive just to stoke a fire yeah and let me ask you this do you guys currently work do i do you currently have a job? No, I enjoy what I do, so I don't work a damn lot. Well, that's great. Andy and I actually work over here.

It shows. But we work, and I would prefer to just keep working on a beach. Work isn't the worst thing in the world here. Can you podcast from a beach work isn't the worst thing in the world here can you podcast from a beach i'm pretty confident you can podcast sea breezes can get in you need a certain filter yeah like the whole time you're here and you hear the ocean every single time i apologize for the relaxing water sounds everybody gotta move our our set as the tide comes in. We do try to get as close to the water as we can. That's a good point.

First sandcastle set in history. I would just have a big wooden dock, like a floating dock. That's where I set up my water. Absolutely. You're not going to get seasick? Probably. I'll have a bucket. Let me tell you about...

What's the difference between... Yeah, it's going to be a great ASMR podcast. The soothing sounds of vomit. Of ocean and puke. Ocean and puke. That's the name of my podcast, Ocean and Puke. Ocean and Puke. That's the name of my podcast, Ocean and Puke. Yeah, that's nice. I'll go to the tropical climate.

Thank you. Yeah, me too. 67? Who cares? That's actually a pretty good age to retire. It's not like you have to work every day until you're 95. What is? That's about right, right there.

Is it 65 or 55? 67 is the full Social Security. Okay. When do i get on by the time we're that old it will be like 71 72 when can you get on arp i think that's 60 and above or 65 and above what age i'll probably know they send me stuff all the time they're prepping you like they're just like hey why haven't you signed up for arp yet they have what you're not a part of pre-ARP? Yes. That's people over 50.

Whoa. Yeah, they just did. No wonder they're sending it to you. They send me crap all the time. Jason, are you already up in that business? No. I'm actually surprised they're sending stuff to Mike. I've never seen an ARP letter before.

What does that stand for? Retired people? I think it starts with an A. I'm guessing it doesn't... Of American retired people? American retired people. Come on, Al. You've got to have this one for us. Association of Advanced-Age

Retired People. There has to be some... American Association of Retired Persons. Oh, persons. Okay. That's not people. They need a pre-ARP. I want discounts in my 40ies is what I'm saying. What is the age?

A student ID. Not necessarily for us, like in our current job, our current role, but what is the age generically speaking that you think most people would want to retire at? Like what? Want to? 60, 55, 60, 55. See, my number was like 65. I felt like that would be like the normal i don't think so i'm not saying when you're that age but like right now looking ahead like i want to retire by

50 yeah i mean i think most people want out yeah the thing is like do you have the means when you hit the retire to golf all day, to play football all day, to go to the tropical climate? Talk about alligators. What all can I do after I retire? New question. Would you rather retire at 50 with enough money to go about day-to-day life, but you're living...

Fixed income. Fixed income. money to go about day-to-day life but you're you're living uh fixed income fixed income and you know you're you're not splurging on anything uh budgeting and and living not super comfortably but you can get by at 50 but you don't have to work or work till you're 70 but at that point you can do anything you want oh definitely the definitely the 50 ones. Yeah, definitely. To 70 is too far. Yeah, it's too far. Your health is, you're likely to have. 65. 65.

I mean, think about life expectancy, Jason. It's like in the mid-70s. Yeah. Oh, man. So you're talking about getting like five years of kind of wrinkling around town. I mean, I'd rather just be, how many times out can I eat a month on this fixed income? Four? Yeah, four times a month.

That's fine. That's fine. Once a week. I'll go out to Luby's at four. So that means like one DoorDash. Per month? Yeah. Yeah, that's fair.

That's a problem. That's going to be a lot of ramen. I just know that if you're 70, there's a decent chance you're now it's time to live that's exactly right no time to learn surfing up my hip that's tough i mean al how would you answer that one which one would you go with 70 was too old i think 70 was too old if you had gone 60 that's worth the weight. I'd go 60. Yeah. What about you, Al? Yeah. 50 or 60, whatever. So he wasn't listening. I want to be on both sides. 50 or 60. The answer is which would you like? And then I thought you changed the line. So

do you want the, do you want the, uh, I'm retiring earlier earlier. Thank you. Thank you. Uh, what about you? Yeah. Brooks earlier. That's Thank you. Thank you. What about you? Yeah, same. That's the one. Brooks is currently retired. I think most people who don't talk about alligators want to retire as soon as humanly possible. I don't need a lot of money to play pickleball all day. Okay, Brooks. That's fair.

That's a fair point. What if we said you could retire tomorrow, but you have to go to Florida? Oh, no. The swamps? Can't do it. The swamps? Can't do it. The swamps? Can't live in fear. This is good to know.

Yeah, they live in the Cretaceous down there in Florida. This is good to know. I've got new gifts to purchase for this man. Do they have alligator drones that we could just fly one in just remote control alligator cars yeah uh tina from the website would you rather live in a house where you walk four flights of stairs to the kitchen or three flights of stairs to the bathroom i like this question i once watched a tv show people out there they probably know it. I don't remember the name of it, so maybe they won't be able to know it. But it was basically this older couple that bought a castle in France,

like an old castle, and it was all about them renovating this castle. Is this a reality show? It's a reality show. It took place in France. They got a moat. Like, it's beautiful. Ooh, you get a moat? The show's great.

So they have alligators. For sure. Or crocodiles. Not sure of the difference. Is this Escape to the Chateau? Yes, it is. Escape to the Chateau. Have you ever seen that out? The Chateau. No, I just looked it up. I was going to say the same thing. And your property's called the Chateau? It's called the Chateau. That's pretty sweet.

It's in France. Would you like to come visit my Chateau? I want a Chateau. I do. Can I retire at 50 and get a chateau? That's what they did. They just bought the chateau, and now they just use it to host weddings and events because it's a chateau. Oh, so it was a business decision. Well, they made a business out of it. But the point is, of this whole story, one, living in a castle seemed really cool, and two, there's massive staircases everywhere.

Yes. To get from one room to the next. And really tiny. And there's four stories in this thing, and there's wings of the house. And so one of the things they have to do is they have to go up and down these staircases all the time. I have been able to go to Europe and see some castles and stuff. These stairwells, man, are sketchy. They are so tiny.

They were literally built 500 years ago. Why were people so little back then? I don't know, but I'm just saying, like, when you're going, if you had to go up and down those stairs every single day, your odds of falling are very high. It feels like if you buy a house with multiple flights of stairs, there's an expiration date.

Eventually, you will not be able to handle that. Or do you get the little lift? That's true. Do they make those faster now? No, they're so slow. Why can't we whiz you up the stairs? Just take off the, what are the?

The governor. Yeah. Is the man holding us down on our chair lifts? I mean, slow it down towards the end. Don't shoot me off the other side. I think that would be a nice exit. Especially on the way up. It just slams into the end and you just are off and running.

It's like, move your legs now. And then you land and you run it. They do make a lot of knee-related helpful things for the elderly like the recliners that stand you all the way up. Have you seen those? I have not. Oh, they're everywhere. So it's a recliner

and then when you're like, I'd like to get out now, it just goes to the standing position. It stands you up, man. Yep. I've looked into them. It sounds so nice. I don't have to get out of this chair. I've reached a point in my life where I don't even have to stand up by myself. And our person reached out, you say, huh?

So four flights for the kitchen, three flights for the bathroom. I use the bathroom more than the kitchen. And I've never had an emergency where I'm like, I got to get to the kitchen. If I don't get to the kitchen in 30 seconds, there's going to be a huge mess. Your health is going to be great because if you have to make the decision in your head, I don't just have to walk over there and get a snack. I got to go four flights up. You might burn the calories of the snack on the way up and down.

Not only that, but they're... Or, say, or when you go down to the kitchen, you bring the kitchen back up. It's not, I'm going to grab two Oreos. It's, I'm going to grab two bags of Oreos because I'm not coming back to this kitchen. My rations for the day? Alternatively, I might stay in the kitchen. I might just put a little... My office desk is now in the kitchen

because it is four flights away. Let's put a Murphy bed in there. Yeah, that sounds nice. I could sleep there, do my work right next to my office desk. If you live 10 years with the three flights for the bathroom situation, how many accidents are you having? Oh, so many.

So, so many. Despite having pooped my pants, I don't find a lot of emergency trips to the bathroom. Not a lot of speed walking? Not a ton. Think about three flights at one in the morning. Oh, man. And you're just- The morning ones.

You're like, you've had a big night out, and you're getting up at one because you've got to go take a tinkle. Here's the deal. Are these down? This morning. Do you've got to go take a tinkle. Here's the deal. Are these down? This morning. Do you go down to the bathroom or up to the bathroom? Both directions. I'm just thinking middle of the night going down to the bathroom might be more dangerous.

Either way, you've got to come back, so you're going to do both. Yeah, but I'll be more awake after the poop is all I'm saying. This morning, I had to go to the bathroom so bad, but I was so sleepy. So much. Just a giant morning pee. Okay. But I was so sleepy, and I'm like, I'm not getting out of the bed. Wait, wait.

So what'd you do? You let the sleep overcome the need to urinate? Absolutely. You suppressed it? I suppressed it for another hour. You absorbed it? Did you go back to sleep? So I couldn't ever really get

to sleep. Because you had to pee. Because I had to pee so bad. I've fought it before. My point is I'm fighting this because I don't want to get out of bed and walk a few feet. Yeah. I'm going to end up with a bucket if I'm, you know what I mean? Old bedpan. I'm just going to have like a little pee box

upstairs. You just need a bed that can stand you up when you're done sleeping. But it raises your spouse too so she has to get up just better have a toilet i would like a bed with a toilet please you you've got to go you've got to go uh four flights of stairs to the kitchen here and honestly truly what that would be much much healthier because the amount of times where i mean it's it's a habit, and I'm sure I'm not alone here, even though I'm the fat guy, where it's like sometimes you just go and you open that fridge door. You know what I mean?

You're just like, I'm just wanting to, it's like I'm almost looking for something to do. Right. I'm not hungry. I'm just like, there's a fridge. I should open that and see if there's anything I like. Is there a number of flight of stairs that you can hit that it switches? Like, if this is 10 flights of stairs to the kitchen or three to the bathroom?

Yeah, I think it's going to be double, six. 10 flights to the kitchen. I'm just throwing out a big number. I'm going to start doing one of those. You eat once and fast the rest of the day things. Wow. Okay, let's enter. How many flights of stairs to the restaurant?

That's a lot. I'll take that. Into the Situation Room we go. The Situation Realm. All righty. Here we go. Isaac from Patreon, your local wizard, has once again approached you with a proposition.

He can bring any one future invention into the present day for the world to use, but the catch is you and your family can never use it what future invention do you give to the world oh man that sucks that you can't use it yeah that you can't use it see all this this great new tech and then get just get jealous i have one i have an idea here that you may not be jealous of but it seems like if we had it we could solve a lot of world hunger problems what if we had like a uh essentially a 3d printer for food which i i'm sure they're working on that out there somewhere okay but you but it's like it's bugs huh it's like it's insects that's the the are you trying to create something that solves other people's

problems but is also still gross for you yes so like the world gets to eat bugs yeah so like it's like crickets and locusts which apparently very, protein rich. Should you eat them. But it's like you put it in the 3D printer, and then it makes it look like a steak. So just to be clear. It still tastes good, but it's made out of bugs. Hold on. Just to be clear.

Okay. Rather than have the entire populace of the world happy to eat something. Just a steak maker. Like a steak maker. Right right you'd rather feed the whole world but what's the steak made out of to make you not jealous of their food and i'm guessing that the steak is made out of cow but the problem is you can't we don't have enough cows for everybody well what you got but there's enough bugs this 3d printer where's it getting the source material from thin air elements no but you collect bugs... But there's enough bugs. This 3D printer, where does it get the source material?

From thin air elements? No, but you collect bugs. Wait, but just collect the bugs. Why do you need the printer? So what you're bringing back from the future is more bugs. You're saying the printer takes the bugs and makes it into a different shape bug? Yes, a different shape meal. That's not a future invention anybody's looking at.

Well, it's not one that's actually going to ever be made. So this local wizard's going to go to find it and be like he's gonna come back say mike did the bug stick thing they never invented this great idea of yours no one ever made a bug food maker and i'll say perfect i'm on it what about something that lets people habitably habitably live anywhere so the population spreads out is that an invention in the future okay i feel like what you need to live like a pod out i'm just thinking that helps me inadvertently right like it lets you go live anywhere yeah i mean that requires electricity it's basically got to have like plumbing and electricity on the go because that's really what would allow the average person to... That seems doable, though, because solar technology will improve

over the next thousand years to where you should be able to sustain. And then, I don't know, we turn your P into whatever. Something to get rid of carbon dioxide. Okay, I'm going to go. So I was thinking, okay, do you bring back like cures to diseases? Yeah. Which is great. I mean, obviously that sucks.

I really hope my family does not get that disease that I've cured for everyone else, but not me. If it's contagious, you'll be good. And so now I don't really get anything out of this. You know, I mean. What about a plaque? Because now there's, oh, that would be nice. I would appreciate a plaque. Like a statue.

Jason Moore. The selflessest person ever. now there's oh that would be nice i would appreciate a plaque like a statue jace jason more selfless this person ever he brought in the cure for cancer but knowing he couldn't use it i mean i mean the the traffic jams with so many more people that would be really tough um so i'm going to as they lived you're saying yeah um instead i'm with you i feel like there was a jump I'm with you I'm going to bring back teleportation It is going to happen Mike

It is going to happen It is not going to happen Spitwads, Jason has been holding tightly to this fact that he believes we will eventually teleport everywhere Which of course will never happen It will, quantum entanglement we will eventually teleport everywhere. Yes, I believe we will get teleportation. Which, of course, will never happen.

It will. Quantum entanglement. We will have teleportation. But when that happens. That's a foregone conclusion. Yes. Moving on. It is.

When that happens, my freeways are open. I mean, I'm just. They're not keeping that system maintained for you alone? Well, here's the problem. Like, okay, if you could teleport, right? Yeah. Where, in your mind of somehow we have figured this out, can you just go anywhere or does there need to be a device?

No, there would have to be a device on the other end. It's an airport, basically. Right, with... Keyword air. With like three-hour lines. Like just huge, huge lines to use the teleportation. How long does it take to disentangle you? No, I think it will be an instant travel.

And it won't even be you. It'll be your clone. Yeah. Oh, maybe. Maybe. That's a big problem here. That's interesting. But I can't use it, Mike.

So I'm okay. All of the rest of the world. Hey, are you still you? To be clear, this is also that you can drive on empty freeways? Yes. Okay. I thought about giving space travel, but I'd be so jealous. Everyone leaving?

I'd never be able to use it? Bug steaks. Bug steaks. Now you've talked me into bug steaks. You're not eating them. No. That's the key. but they're delicious uh al i need you to pick one of these three situation rooms for me to go through because i think we're gonna get into the draft after that all right let's go to daniel's

daniel from patreon your local wizard he's back oh that wasn't long i've been gone for a whole question uh he has an idea. If you choose to, you can commit any crime. And the wizard has the power to make that the last time anyone ever commits that crime. What? This is the trolley situation. What is happening? Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough power left over to save you from the consequences of the crime. So you will do the appropriate time for the crime.

Oh, man. Do you take him up on this or abstain? This podcast. consequences of the crime so you will do the appropriate time for the crime oh man do you take him up on this or abstain this podcast we have a storied history of being very anti-murder yes but you have to murder i know that's what i'm saying to stop murder you have to do the murder and we have declared many times on this show kids don't do the murder now hold on a second if you accidentally do the murder in self-defense does it only get rid of self-defense yes oh that would be bad yes that would be that'd be really bad no one can protect first degree just sky rockets so you have to make sure you're committing actual murder. Yeah, you got to plan it. Is murder our biggest crime that would help? I mean, or you could do like theft.

Because I feel like you could steal something. Lying? That's not a crime. No, no. No laws against that. But if you stole, you could steal something of little to no value. Like if you stole a dollar from somebody, that counts. And now there's no more stealing.

That's a pretty good way out. I know what I'm doing. And I'll deal with the if you stole a dollar from somebody that counts and now there's no more stealing. That's, that's a pretty good way out. I know what I'm doing. And I'll deal with the consequences of stealing a dollar. No, that's not bad. That's a,

that's a good trick. I was going to, I was going to try to scam someone on a, on a phone call. Ooh, telemarketer. I think I was going to try to, yeah, but it has to be illegal.

So an illegal scam via telemarketing, that can't be hard time can we but that would help the world a lot can we like encompass that into like the emails to the phishing emails spam like a spam campaign the the phishing emails out there are getting pretty good like you've been you've been hooked i have not uh but there's i have definitely had to uh like double check some before i mean you're always doing the thing where you click like okay what's the actual email address this is coming from and that was easy but i got hit from one that was like uh like a help.apple.com or something they had gotten apple into the actual email address, and it was like, well, this is strange.

And then Googling it, it was, no, this is a fraudulent email, but they're getting so sophisticated now. They must be getting so many of those ARPs. All the ARPs. All the old people's money is gone. It has now been stolen. I feel really bad for old people who have email. They're getting it. There's no way to protect yourself.

I already clicked this link 10 times. Let me put the login in one more time. I already gave you my bank account. You need my social again? We're going to be those people getting bamboozled too. Eventually we will. Yeah, but it'll come in the teleportation machine so my clones problem what are their crimes i know mine because the worst

crimes that you want to get rid of we're i don't i'm not committing right but i think drugs are a real problem okay a lot of people so if i do illegal drugs, which, you know, look, take one for the team. Sorry, you have to OD. I'm cleaning the streets. I don't have to OD. I don't have to die. No, OD doesn't mean you die. Well, oftentimes.

You're hospitalized. Yeah, usually. You don't ever die unless you OD. You can OD without dying, but you don't die without ODing. So you're going to do some drugs? So I'm going to do some drugs to clean up the streets. Now, you only get rid of- This is for you, kids.

This is for you. You've got a 10-minute period to do as many of the drugs you want to eliminate. Yeah, you got to do them all. Oh, no, I only eliminate the drugs I do? That's right. Because you stole a dollar and apparently got rid of all theft. I mean, that's theft. Yeah.

Well, but doing a drug. That's what the judge says, right says right doing a drug you were doing drugs you're very knowledgeable first first degree drug drug taking i don't know i don't know what to take but uh i'm gonna take the worst i'm gonna get the worst stuff oh yeah fentanyl got it the drug doer ah we might have time for one more, huh? What else? Is there time for one more? Yeah.

I think the last one there will be pretty quick. Wittesen from Patreon. You're presented with the opportunity to double one, half one, and keep one the same. Your strength, your speed, and your knowledge. Oh, man. Double one, have one, keep one the same. Wow. Strength, speed, knowledge.

I'm having my speed. That one I know. You're doubling it? Having. Oh, you're having. I'm having my speed because I'm not that fast. But here's the thing, Jason, because I started immediately thinking about this. That's got to be like walking speed and everything, right?

Yeah, no, just everything. Okay. So we are definitely not the fastest people in the world. We aren't like world-class athletes. But we did a – many, many years ago, you ran a 40-yard dash, and you were at like five-point-something. Cut that in half. Double your speed, and you are running at elite.

You might be the fastest person in the world. You would be. Oh, wow. I did not think of that. Even if you ran a six-second 40-yard dash, you would run a three-second 40-yard. Am I doing that right? No, you're doing it 100% right. And, of course.

So you are the fastest person in the world by a lot. You'd win every Olympic event. You'd play in the NFL. You could do whatever you wanted. You could start the NFL at 40. Mike, you're doing some great work over here. I mean, that's incredible because I'm thinking, like, what can I bench press? I could bench press, I don't know, say about 200 pounds.

Right. There's people who can bench press 400 pounds. You can get there. So that's not worth it. Right. I agree. I'm not looking to lift a car i don't you know and i'm not looking to help anybody move so doubling my strength is probably not going to be that great for me uh i'll open a jar of pickles easier now hold on oh you gotta

if you double your speed that means you are going to have to have either your strength or your knowledge, right? Yes. So you said you would become. This is like the character building on a video game. You would become much weaker unless you're going to get rid of half your knowledge. No one's getting rid of half their knowledge. No, no. The knowledge.

That's the double. It could be. It's got to be the double. Except for Jason, who's the fastest man alive. It's got to be the double or the normal. You cannot half your knowledge. If you half your knowledge, I mean, you're just. I guess I could.

You're so stupid. Oh, I'm so smart. That's my voice. No, I mean, I think you have to. I'm going to double knowledge. It would be sweet. I'm going to have to. Also being the fastest person alive.

I don't think doubling knowledge would be as sweet as you think. This is not doubling your intelligence. It's not making you able to think through things in a much... It's just total knowledge. Okay. Which is a form of intelligence. Yes, it is. You're book smarts.

Yes. You'll have a lot of encyclopedic knowledge. You know how many quips I could throw in? Oh, absolutely. Just unlimited. But my point is, I'm getting through life just fine with my limited knowledge. Okay? But you're getting through life just fine with your speed and your strength.

But if you double any of our knowledge, I don't think we're doing anything great. Double our knowledge. I would be saying peace out to both of you suckas. I'm finding some better company You double my knowledge I'm out of here You wouldn't want to be around us You would have to

Everyone else would be so dumb to you And now you're hanging out with the nerds The boring old nerds I mean enjoy your new friend group nerd I'm kicking some butt on the stock market No, become sipping bourbon In a sitting room somewhere. You've seen Limitless?

But that's the thing. That increased his intelligence, not his knowledge. Have you not heard that knowledge is power? Yeah, I have heard that, and that is true. And it's half the battle. It's not like...

Yes, it is. Yes, it is, Mike. All right. I'm keeping my knowledge the same saying I'm taking half the strength, and I'm doubling my speed. Thank you, Mike. You're welcome. That's pretty good.

I mean, it would be. It would be to be that fast. Which one are you having, your strength? Yeah. Then I'm doubling my strength because I'm finally going to be stronger than you and it's going to be great. She's going to throw me around. If you can catch me, which you can't.

Okay, I'm on team speed always wins. I will I'm going to double the speed. I'm vain. Yeah, let's go, Mike. I'll be out wide left. You be out wide right. I mean, if you were that fast let's go, Mike. I'll be out wide left. You be out wide right. I mean, if you were that fast, three seconds, 40, and you're 40.

So if you ran a three-second 40 at 40, do you get a job in the NFL right now? Probably. Just running fly routes? Yeah. Yeah, you probably do. Now, you double your speed, but not your cardio. Oh, well, then I would run 10 yards at that speed. With double speed, even at 40, you can do the Olympics. This is interesting.

Now it's time for me. I'll just jog. If I don't have the cardio, this is easy. He'll settle for a four-second 40. Yeah, exactly. Just to have a casual jaunt. I'm not giving it anything until the ball's in my hand and then see you later. Oh, that would be a lot of screens.

All right, we're drafting. The Spitballers Draft. Well, we are drafting the best dog breeds. Yes, we are. As defined by our individual subjective determination of what best means yeah that's kind of all of our drafts exactly just just setting up the table here mike go ahead and make the first pick so i feel like i could play the game with this particular breed but i'm not sure that it matters in

this draft. So I'm just taking my favorite dog. I will be taking the English Bulldog. They are so ugly that they are beautiful dogs. They got the smash face. That's the pan face, right? Yes. It's the smash face.

They always have the underbite. Their teeth are sticking out the bottom. Is that the English bulldog? Yeah. And is that the same as just what we would normally consider a bulldog? Yeah, mostly. There's other. There's like French bulldogs, right?

Yes, which someone could take that. That's why I was being specific of the English bulldog. We'll give you all the bulldogs. They were bred that way which you know like and just grew some dog knowledge like they were bred that way so that they could fight bears what yeah they what do you mean what how does a smushed face help you fight a bear i i do not know the smushed face came after the fight but the uh but then they like there used to be you know back in the old times,

they would have fights and they would put the dogs against the bear. I'll take the bear. But he was bred for this. Yeah, I'll take the bear. But they're always snorting. They're so cute

and they're so much fun. I think they have a lot of health problems. Yes, they do. From the breeding for bears thing. Yes. They weren't really worried about longevity. They were worried about bears.

Ah. Which is not a really long life if you're fighting bears. That makes no sense whatsoever to me on any level. One, why would you breed dogs to fight bears? I don't know, man. Like, it's not going to help you. There was no internet. There wasn't a lot to do. How do you go, you know dogs to fight bears? I don't know, man. Like, it's not going to help you. There was no internet. There wasn't a lot to do.

How do you go, you know, we need to breed these dogs for bears. Okay, what do we do? We get the face smashed in. Okay, how do you breed a smushed face? We've made all of these breeds. I need double the knowledge. I don't know anything about breeding smushed faces,

to be fair. All right, so I get the first pick. Instead reading smushed faces, to be fair. All right, so I get the first pick instead of smushed face. This one I feel obligated to take. See, I didn't fall into that trap. I went with my heart. No, this is my heart. This is my favorite dog. You're just obligated.

Matters of the heart are often obligations i feel obligated because this is my personal dog okay it is my personal dog because it is my favorite breed of dog oh okay so i'm gonna take a golden doodle because i don't want the shedding of a new retriever i don't want the sassiness of a poodle. So I'm going to take a golden doodle. That's two-thirds of my dogs. How would your other dogs that you've had in the past that have come and gone feel about this decision just based on your new hotness? They would say, I wish I could be as good as a golden doodle.

I wish I could not shed. I wish I could be big and strong. You're saying all these things, and so you, for a while had two golden doodles yes still do and then you gotta yeah still do sorry and but then you're like i need a third dog but it will not be the the great golden doodle dog yeah three big dogs too much dog so I got a tiny dog to add to the mix. We have a golden doodle as well. Oh, what a good pick. That's the extent

of my dog breed knowledge. There you go. The golden doodle that we got. Yes. So I'm choosing all dogs based on a different selector here.

Okay, do we get to know? I didn't grow up with dogs. I wasn't a pet guy. Really? I don't find them all that amazing they're not amazing they're the best

I will say that my wife recently accidentally got a second dog got our golden doodle trimmed at the groomer they misinterpreted her and now he looks like a poodle yes yes the grooming of the long haired

dogs is very difficult to get exactly how you want the dog to look. Because they're like- Well, he looks stupid now. I don't even respect him. You're like, well, no, it's supposed to look like this. She's like, yeah, but I don't want it to look like that. Right.

But what if it did? They have strong opinions, the groomers. Oh, very strong. Yeah. And they got the little poof on the foot that looks so stupid. Oh, he's got the poofy poof on the foot it looks so stupid oh he's got the poofy no he's just got a poodle face now and it's like she said something about trimming a little extra around his mouth and you gotta ask you gotta ask for the teddy bear face yes

we the puppy cut yeah yeah well anyways i don't respect everybody he looks stupid and i've been making fun of him to his face he'll be back in a couple months uh but no i'm picking dogs based on how much damage they can inflict all right so i am beginning with and combined with how much they resemble something cool like a cool looking dog former presidents all right um i don't know okay i'm writing down my first guess then of your i'm going with the german shepherd yeah That is my very first guess. It's a rinse and tin, bro. I didn't think about the utilization of them as police dogs. Yes.

German Shepherds are awesome. They'll rip you up. They're brilliant dogs. They're very smart, but they're also terrible puppies. Like, you've got to make it to year two before you can love this dog, and then they're the best dog ever. And then i'm following that up with a rottweiler yeah i'm going with a rottweiler uh because again we'll rip you up

yeah rottweilers can do some real damage they're also beautiful dogs i am ranking awesome i'm ranking them by dogs that if i hit a ball over a neighbor's fence as a kid and i wanted to jump over rules jump over and get that ball yeah i would be at risk okay all right all right you're you're you just you hit that ball you go well that's gone yes yes that's gone for that dog will either eat the ball or eat you if you try to pursue and get the ball okay so i'm going with rottweiler as my second because i'm gonna it's good pick i'm just it's on my list It's more of a battle royale for me. So, Al, make sure the poll... It's best dog breeds.

I'll take a Chihuahua. They will interpret it however they want. All right, if you put some bears in this fight... Yeah, the flat face will really get them. You know who to call. Yeah. For the record, I would take a German Shepherd over the flat-faced dog in a fight against bears, despite the breeding.

You don't know your history. I do not. All right. Ironically, I am going to take a dog that I do think in a battle royale would be a good pick. But this was next on my list. I think these are the most amazing dogs. And if you've never... You'll know the dog when I say it.

You'll see it it you'll be like oh yeah okay but if you've never actually in real life been around one you do not realize how big they are they are horses i'm taking a great dame yes they are very horse like saddle up and ride because I had a friend in college who had two Great Danes, and these were giant four Great Danes. I couldn't believe it. Standing on all four feet, I felt like they were almost my height. I was terrified to walk in that house because if these dogs had a problem with me, I lose.

And they can just look over your fence like when they go up on the highlights they're like hey what's going on over there i'm just i'm just eight feet tall now they're so big they don't live very long though right i don't think that's the sad part of the great day it isn't just a few like four years or something i don't know about that's That's a downside. They should just be Danes. But I think it's an all big dog problem. They don't live as long. And they're huge, so they're at the bottom of that list. Yes, they are very, very big. All right.

Okay, Mike. I'm going to go with my next pick. If it's French Bulldog, man, you really pulled one over on us. I do love French Bulldogs. But, no, I'm not going with that. I'm going with a Hus. But no, I'm not going with that. I'm going with... We're going to go with a Husky. Oh, yeah.

It was going to be my pick. Really? Well, because that one looks like a wolf to me. It does. Even though it's not as dangerous. Huskies are... I want a wolf. ...are beautiful. Can I draft a wolf? What color eyes are we working with here? Oh, blue. We've got to go with those baby blues. Oh, really? Yeah. I like the one one blue i like when they've got the different colored eyes okay and

they're just they're incredible creatures uh i don't feel like i can have a husky here in arizona it would be just mean to that dog who will never ever see the snow and will be hot all the time take him to the groomer mike they won They won't mind. Just buzz him. Just all the way down to the skin. Can you pluck this dog? Just take it all out. All right. So I got the English Bulldog.

I got the Husky. And you went with the hybrid breed, Jason. So I'm going with the old-fashioned, the Golden Retriever. Yep. Which these are also beautiful dogs. And they are, i think they're also terrible puppies yes they're like labs uh german shepherds and and golden retrievers nightmare puppies they're just too playful too right out of control much energy and then they're the best but then when they get big they are like the friendliest dogs like they have they're the're the kind of dog where they look like they're smiling all the time.

And they're just super happy. They're so excited to see you. They're smart. They're like, hey, there you are. Do I know you, Mr. Dog? No, but there you are, and I love you. When you think of man's best friend type of adage referring to dogs, you think of golden retrievers.

They are so loyal. But enjoy all the hair you're going to be sweeping out. That's the other problem. I will never have a golden retriever because of the shedding. Yeah. All right. That's my two, yeah. All right.

So I am back up here. I got a couple ways I can go here. back up here. I got a couple ways I can go here. I love the way one of these looks, but I think they're terrible dogs. So I don't... Interesting. I don't...

Oh, man. But it's such a cool looking dog and so famous. They're at the fire stations. I'm taking them. Oh, yeah. I think they are terrible dogs. This is the place to draft them because I... Exactly. I don't want to actually own a Dalmatian, but Dalmatians are so cool. Are they getting a bad rap, though?

I don't think so. I think they're literally- I think they got a good rap from the movies, and then people went out and got them, and they were like, this sucks. Because pit bulls get a bad rap because if they are trained to be mean, this feels like a dog that Andy should select. But they're not. Like they're fantastic dogs.

But I've heard Dalmatians are just mean, mean. Does anyone know? Yeah, I think that's true. Okay. I mean, does anybody know? I've never had a Dalmatian. Because they have to live at the fire depot right yeah the fire station they do have to stay down or with cruella dalmatians they don't live with cruella well they eventually they do they lived yeah oh man um yeah dalmatians originated as war dogs oh what and hunting

animals why did we put spots on them? Well, I don't know that we put the spots on them, but yeah, I'll take a Dalmatian because they're really, really cool looking, very famous dogs, and I don't have to have this in my house. Well, perfect. Then I'm left with the Pit Bull as my next pick. You know, Rottweilers are the same where they can be really – I think Rottweilers are really aggressive towards other dogs,

and they get a bad rap too. All those dogs get a bad rap in part because bad owners, right? Yes, they're trained to be that way. But I will go with Pitbull for my third pick, and to fill out my perfect four-pack of intimidating dogs, I'm going to go with the one that I was neighbors with, that many a time I wanted to tempt fate and jump over the fence, but they had two gigantic Doberman Pinschers.

Oh, yeah. Which I think they're in contention for coolest silhouette of a dog. Yeah, for sure. They're guard dogs. So, I mean, these things. Yeah, that's Mr. Burns' dogs. My brother was up on the fence once, and the dog jumped up. Oh, no, wait.

That was a Dalmatian. Oh. He got bit by a Dalmatian. Of course he did. That jumped up. Some monsters. The Doberman never got him. But they are scary-looking dogs. They are. Of course he did. That jumped up. Some monsters. The Doberman never got him. But they are scary looking dogs. They are.

Especially as a kid. They're so tall. Those pointy ears. I confuse Rottweilers with Doberman Pinschers. And now that I'm looking at it, because we had sometimes I think we had a Rottweiler growing up. We had a Doberman Pinscher, but it had the Rottweiler coloring. It was the black

and brown, but it was the thinottweiler coloring it was the black and brown but it was the thin it was the story I think I've told where we had this dog on a leash in our backyard and he jumped over the fence right yeah yeah and we thought he hung himself he did not thankfully um they're delight they're very delightful uh those ears pointing straight up are pretty cool and if you watch like I'm gonna eat you now yeah similar to cool. And if you watch... Like, I'm going to eat you now. Yeah. Similar to your silhouette comment, if you want to watch a dog just run, like, that's one of the best-looking dogs on the move. All right.

My final pick? Yes. Yep. Okay. I got quite a few here that I could go with. Do I go with the name? of these are name important to me because of the name i'm gonna go i'm gonna go with the dog that i really do like it's uh it's hyper hypoallergenic okay so i could have this dog in my house and i want a tiny dog on my on my list here and Are you allergic to dogs?

I'm not, but the rest of my family is. Okay. Got it. For my boys, I got to have a non... How do you say that? Non... Dander? Allergenic?

That's what... Allergenic? Yeah. Okay. Whatever. Hyperallergenic. But I love the name. This name is important to me.

I've been saying a lot. I'm going to take a Bichon Frise. In part because I want Bichon Robinson in a fantasy football draft. This is a weird crossover right now. It's a weird crossover, but I'm taking a Bichon Frise. It's a good little dog. Yeah, we had a Bichon Poo for many years. Yeah, that's just a Bichon Frise with a poodle?

Yeah. Okay. Rascally fella. Yeah. They're a little erratic. A little yappy. Yeah. Okay.

So I am up. That's fun to say. Bichon Frise. Yeah. It's not bad. All right. What's a dog name you like to say, Mike? I've got one on my list.

Oh, come on. It's a cockap you like to say, Mike? I've got one on my list. Oh, come on. It's a cockapoo. Grow up. It's a cockapoo. Yes. I thought it was a Shih Tzu. Both are great. Is he?

So I am very torn right now for my final pick between going with my first dog the breed of the first dog I ever had or staying with hashtag team big dog. I'm very much on team big dog. Is that because of demeanor or is that because you actually just like a big dog?

I just like a big dog. I feel like with the little ones I'm going to hurt them. I feel like with the little ones, I'm going to hurt them. Yeah. I might accidentally step on you and I don't know. I mean, big dogs are generally calmer. I did have my small dog for one day before breaking her arm

and having to take her to surgery. Why did you do that, by the way? It was my son. Well, it wasn't me, everybody. Take care of it, PETA. I'm going to go with I'll go with big dog. Take care of it, PETA. I'm going to go with, I'll go with big dog. I'm going to take a boxer. Boxers are incredible dogs.

That's a cool dog. My wife, when I met her, they had a big old boxer. He was just like, just so smart, but so gentle and kind of despite the gigantic size and there's the thing i like uh i like the smooth hair dogs too more than the the long hair i know we get like i have two burnadoodles now because they're because my kids are allergic to dogs too but when i prefer the look of a dog i like that smooth the short hair just looking real sleek boxers are so sweet and scary yes like if i i can't just go up and pet a boxer i can't do it if i don't know the boxer I like that smooth, the short hair just looking real sleek. Boxers are so sweet and scary. Yes. Like, I can't just go up and pet a boxer.

I can't do it. If I don't know the boxer. Sure. It's too big and scary. This is quite the interesting bunch. Mike has the well-rounded English Bulldog, Husky, Golden Retriever, and Boxer. Jason's a little eccentric, I think.

It bounces around. But the Golden Doodle, I mean, think it bounces around but the golden doodle i mean you gotta love the golden doodle the great dane enormous dalmatian mean for me and bijan frise sounds cool yeah thank you and then you know don't mess with my gang yeah that's true the german shepherd rottweiler pitbull and toberman Yeah. Yeah, we're a tough crowd. You missed the Mastiff, though. You missed... Yeah. I saw something called a wolf dog, but I didn't think that would count

because it seems about 50-50. No, I think that is a dog, and they are ginormous. Yeah, I heard they're awful, too. Oh, are they? Like super dangerous. Like a wolf? Kind of like the wolf part of them. It's half wolf.

That's the part that's scary all right we're moving oh did you have any other ones you wanted to mention real quick uh the other one i was thinking about taking was the beagle but they i mean those yeah you want to talk about a wrapped scallion yeah beagles are way too smart and they are they'll also they'll also eat themselves to death what yeah they will literally they they they will make me tell them our beagle story yeah oh no we in in the more household we say or my wife says to me don't beagle yourself that's a a common phrase because you might eat yourself to death yeah okay see when you said that phrase i saw i pictured a dog chewing on itself oh

no no no they won't eat themselves if we got in we literally this is not a joke there was a uh party we were at they had a six foot subway sub and it was in the other room had and they had a beagle and this beagle ate so much we thank goodness we caught it like through. It was a cartoon character. The beagle looked like it had four feet of sandwich in this small little dog because it did.

That's terrifying. Yeah, it was. They're very funny, but they are and I, yeah, if you're not careful, yes, they get chonky real easy. If I throw out another name, it's just Cockapoo. Yes. And I thought about Sharpay.

What did we learn today? Because they're so wrinkly. You like your dogs, though. You know the dog world. I mean, you knew that cool fact about the bears that is the thing I learned today. That the flat face. It was called bear baiting, I believe. The world was very weird.

They had nothing to do without the internet. I learned that alligators can jump so be more afraid of alligators and crocodiles than you already were. I learned that I got to get my staff working on the bug steaks. Yeah.

Wave of the future. By the way the one dog I feel like I need to mention because they're so sweet. Australian greyhounds. Oh. Australian greyhounds. You like the greyhounds? I think they're, well, not the big ones. What am I thinking of then? The Australian greyhounds are smaller. Oh, because

like, I like sweet dogs. Almost all breeds of dogs, but greyhounds are hideous. Yeah, they're really ugly. Tiny little face. There's people that love greyhounds are hideous. Yeah, they're really ugly. Tiny little face. There's people that love greyhounds and they're just like, I've tried. I can't get behind this. And before we leave, do you have a favorite dog breed, Al?

Do you have one? Australian Shepherds. Oh, those are great dogs. They're super smart. Yeah, they are. Too smart. Little too smart for their own good. Thank you for tuning in to the Spitballers Podcast.

Tell your friends. Yes. Hope you enjoyed the episode. We'll catch you next week with a brand new one. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.