Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: The Ultimate Cannonball & Songs To Scare Off An Intruder - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 8, 2022

Spit Hit for September 8, 2022: Hey Spitwads! We’re baaaack! Happy New Year! On today’s show, we discuss the Wizard of Oz, sky diving, pre-mergencies, and a hospital mixup. We also debate window vs aisle seats and superpowers we would prefer for our newborn babies. You don’t want to miss this episode! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads, we have a great Spit Hits episode from the archives for you today. It's a classic. We discuss the Wizard of Oz skydiving, what we call pre-emergencies, and a hospital mix-up along with a special draft. So do not miss a minute. Here we go. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations,

and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Photograph in the back with the slack blade blackjack. What? I was a little late to the party there. What? I was a little... Did you... Hold on.

At what point in the music did you start to scatting? Yeah. Well, here's a thing we are uh we are recording remotely yeah today and so what warms my heart and honestly makes me feel fantastic is the fact that you don't know where you don't you you do not know where it started for me and i'm telling you where i started oh it was perfect it was a perfect time but the producer has to line up the audio and he's gonna put it exactly where it sounds best jeremy i'm born in the house i watched a man before the before this started

before the music kicked off i watched a man go through all seven stages of grief where he was denying that this was happening. He got angry. Then I saw him be sad. He threw us some thumbs down. And then he had a new stage, which was basically he was going to protest the scat. Even though he smashes it every. So here's what happened. Even though he smashes it every time. Here's what happened.

You big baby. All right. I came in late, and here's why. Because of what the draft is today, which I think is going to be awesome, it should be a great end to the show, I knew where I was going with my scat. It was one word. That's all I knew. One word.it it was one word that's all i knew one word what was the one word sung a certain way it was photograph and i my brain i didn't hear that part my follow

my non-musical brain could not rap the music that was playing in my ears with a different tune and a different beat, different song. And so it took me a while. What? How do you have that queued up? Yeah, so that was what really delayed me being able to properly sketch. That's a fantasy footballer's thing. So Jason, just the last thing before we can actually start this show.

If you don't have a known like locked in this is the start point there's not a start point for owl borland and your scat will be in fact even worse than you were hoping for i think the best thing to do at this point is to leave it right where it was yes with all of this reaction and so thank you for that yeah look spit wads welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason back with you. We took a couple weeks off. We had the holidays.

And I say all that to explain away any rust that may be coming to the surface over the remainder of this show. No, no rust over here. I was on the gold bricks. I ran into Dorothy. She oiled me up. We are four and a half minutes in, and this is already pure gold. Four and a half minutes, and I came with a sweet Wizard of Oz reference.

I think this might be the best episode we've had yet. At SpitballersPod on Twitter. Because I couldn't think of Golden Road. Yeah, I didn't know where you were going with that either. It's the Yellow Brick Road. Follow the Golden Bricks. It's not the Golden Road. It's the Yellow Bricks.

Follow the Golden Bricks. That's what they say. Follow the Golden Brick Road. Follow the Golden Brick Road. You couldn't even get your Wizard of Oz joke right. We have what I think will be one of our greatest overrated the greatest drafts on the show today now jason is upset because mike just called wizard of oz overrated i'm just throwing a grenade out real quick you can't say wizard of oz is overrated okay i can and i did but it i mean is that because you said golden brick road and

you screwed up and now it's wizard of oz's fault my faults are not on trial right now look old school movies i'm not a i'm not generally a fan of right citizen kane the best movie all time now that's overrated okay that's that's a piece of garbage um the wizard of o Oz was amazing. And when you think about when they made it, I mean, shame on you, Mike. But when you think about when they made Citizen Kane, it was great, Jason. Yeah, but Citizen Kane took nothing. I could make that movie right now with two buddies.

Well, now you could because you've already seen it. Yeah. You already know the script uh would you rather on the show that's a great question i don't even know how to get the show started at this point this is jason's jason scat set us on a trajectory of discombobulation of that we have never been on before uh this is episode 132, though, and I hear that episode 132, it can have some moments, some bumps in the road, the golden brick road. Let's go ahead and jump into Would You Rather.

Would you rather? You apologized with another incorrect phrase. You said, I said golden bricks because I forgot golden brick road. That's what you did. You need to rewatch the movie is what I understand from that. Or maybe the writers need to rewatch it and realize that they're running on gold bricks.

They're not alive, Mike. There's no way. There's no way. Thankfully. Oh, no., Mike. There's no way. There's no way. Well, thankfully. Oh, no. Get bodied. What is happening?

Wow. Gee. Mike is living his- I'm coming out swinging in 2021, baby. Best life. Charles on Patreon mercifully has a would you rather question for us. Would you rather your family share one bathroom or one vehicle? Well, yeah, this is...

I think you have to put your kids at driving age. Oh, really? Right, yeah, because you've got a family. They all have needs. They all have places to go. We've got, you know, right now, we're not going many places. But you've got to put yourself here where, you know, you've got wife with the job, you with the job. Kids got maybe a job.

One's got school. One's got a job. You've got to go everywhere. And that's a burden because obviously sharing a bathroom is a burden. This is burden on burden. If you have four kids or you have one kid, it makes each one easier to deal with. I feel like one vehicle is almost impossible if you're telling me kids are driving around. I was going to say a lot of families have just one vehicle and it works out fine, but you're not talking about driving age kids.

Correct. That's why I said you got to make it more difficult. Not only that, but I mean, let's be honest. We are phenomenal dads. And so our children are involved with everything that are in gymnastics. They're probably leading their chess club. You know, all sorts of different things that we've got to drive them to, pick them up from.

Did you guys ever do chess club? No. I did chess club once. What? I did one time. I was invited. We had this thing called Sage, and I guess it was, looking back now,

like the gifted course or whatever, and they had a chess club, and they invited me in, and I did it was the looking back now, like the gifted course or whatever. And they had a chess club and they invited me in and I did it for a year. And then I said, nerds. A year. And I busted out. You said nerds after a year. So you partook with them. Yeah.

Became one of them for an entire calendar year. And then we're like, nerds. Bye, buddies. I'll miss you guys, my best friends. Your chess is great. Yeah. I'll miss you guys my best friends Mary Chess is great yeah I was in one when they had like after school things where you could be in like the newspaper or you could be in the chess club or you could be in

but back to the question one bathroom that sounds like a humongous problem but one vehicle with that many kids is brutal like you really cannot do anything if somebody has the car you are stranded you are stuck i mean with the bathroom thing i can wait a little while uh can you i have i we've got three bathrooms i go like hashtag blast we got three

bathrooms over here and that's still not enough i have I have had times where all three bathrooms were occupado, and I'm sitting outside of one just doing Hail Marys on my knees, begging that something terrible does not happen. Ten minutes later, he's sitting in the sink. How many sinks do you got? That's what I was going to ask. Yeah. He's in the kitchen taking a ducky bath.

Thankfully, we have the industrial garbage disposal. Oh, no. Oh, gross. I knew that was coming. I'm going to vote that I would rather share one bathroom. I'm going to do it. I feel like with a bathroom. How many sinks do you have?

It's a simple answer. Here's why. With one bathroom, I can create a schedule for people to take their showers at least. Sure. Children love schedules. I can. Well, look, they're not children, right? They're driving age.

They're even worse. They're teenagers. They ain't listening to your schedule. But a vehicle, you can need a vehicle at any minute. If I want to go get some food, if I got to go pick something up, if it's gone, if the car's gone, it's gone. If the bathroom's taken, I can break the door down. That's all I'm saying.

Yeah, but then you got to take them off the toilet. So I'm going to take the bathroom as well. Okay, but I completely disagree with your logic because when you're talking about when you need this thing, the bathroom is more important than the car because the car you know what what emergency do you just have to have a car right then you you know it's like oh i don't leave you ever been hungry before cheeseburger well you ever heard of postmates you ever heard of doordash that's not an emergency an emergency doordash has never solved an emergency in my life doordash is am I going to be hungry in 78 minutes from now?

I ordered DoorDash just in case I'm hungry later. Well, that's what you got to do. You got to pre-plan. You got to pre-emergency with these. You know, like right now, I just put it. A pre-emergency? A pre-emergency. What are you, Minority Report?

That's right. I literally just put in a DoorDash order because at some point it's going to show up and I'm going to be starving. I'm going to be hungry. Can you Postmates like a little porta potty if you're in trouble? I don't think that you can Postmates a porta potty. But the reality, the reason why I'm taking the bathroom, the shared bathroom experience here is because I'm the worst one in the bathroom, right?

It's worse for all my family members to have to enter in after me than for me to enter in after them. But that's just when you've got that business to do. You're not factoring in people getting ready. Like, this is my question for you guys. I won't be presumptuous do you have two sinks in your primary bathroom yes sir yes did you ever have to share one sink with your spouse not really not that i can remember no yeah okay all right that would be a problem do that do that in the morning for three days and then we'll have

this question again you're telling me my daughter and wife's makeup are in there yes yes and here's here's the deal three of us have shared a hotel room before and that's not a pleasant time with one bathroom no it's this is you know i'm changing my answer i'm definitely going what an idiot what an idiot to think that we should share a bathroom. Because, look, I've said this before. This is just, you know, it's who I am. You know, 30-minute showers. Okay, I need that pamper time.

I need that me time. I might turn the bath on. I can't have people knocking on the door. You might turn the bath on while you're in the shower? Please tell me. Just water up to the ankles. Water's up to the ankles? No, you convert and you lay down.

You go back and forth? Sometimes I have. Yeah, I mean, look. It's me time, Mike. There's no wrong. Do you run like a freezing shower and then have the hot bath? Oh, that's something new to try. Stimulate the senses?

I haven't yet, but I probably will. No, I run a hot shower and then a hot bath and then that's something new to try stimulate the senses i haven't yet but i probably will no i run a hot shower and then a hot bath and then a hot shower he runs the hot bath so that it sounds like raindrops hitting the ocean when he's inside of there look i'm not gonna lie to you the water heater i haven't done my job i'm not gonna lie to you our plumber our plumber made fun of me to a friend who also uses that same plumber because I believe he said I'm, I quote, very American in the sense that. He told me that. Yeah, Andy, you're the friend. In the sense that what I requested to be put in my house was the largest water heater that could fit after he realized my house couldn't take a tankless. The largest water heater that wasn't enough.

So there was this return valve thing that basically means it's adding a little bit of cold water into the extremely hot tank. So, like, I can shower forever. It's great. But then I got made fun of. Yeah. Well, based on all of that i understand why you changed your opinion mike are you going with the one vehicle or one bad i will go i will go with the one vehicle i'm sure there will be problems that i'm not foreseeing right now but i'm just looking

down the immediate nature of one bathroom i guess you can technically uber if you needed to get somewhere but you couldn't like or ride a bike yeah it's it's it's i guess you could uber to a new bathroom it's uber or a bush those are your options uber a poober yeah you take the poober to the local starbucks and uh hey check it in there's extra you know surge charging just in case oh Oh, a surge. A surge is coming. All right, Beth from Patreon. If you were skydiving

and your parachute tragically refused to open, would you rather be falling face to the sky or face to the ground? So looking up or looking down? The age-old question. We've all thought it.

I mean, we've all... Right, am I alone in this? No, you're not alone. Everybody's thought about their shoot not opening. Like Socrates, he brought this up. Yes, that was... Which way would you fall? Did a lot of skydiving back in that day.

Now... Go ahead, Jay. Amazingly, and I don't know how, and i don't i don't know how and i don't know quality of life afterwards but i know people have survived parachute jumps where the parachute you're not let's just say people have won the lottery jason yeah i gotta go get me a scratcher like everything happens you're you're skydiving your Your chute's not going to open. All right. Okay. It's going to be over. You're figuring out your final 30 seconds.

Okay. Now, technically, I mean, you know, looking up, you're going to see the plane, I guess. And you'll see some clouds. I think the important thing about looking up is you don't know when it's going to hit. Right. It's like looking away. You don't think you pass out? No, I don't think you're going to pass out either way. If you know when it's going to end right it's it's like looking you don't think you pass out no i don't think you're gonna pass out it's just fear that's what i mean like from pure fear no you're not gonna you're not gonna you're not gonna pass out what what's gonna happen here is you look up and don't know when it's it's the equivalent of you're just enjoying

the sky like when i give blood i'm a big old baby i can't do it and i certainly can't watch them do it i have to look away if i see the car crash happening in my arm i'm 10 times worse and so that's what this is this is look to the sky get a beautiful vision and then but splat but it will be it will be a beautiful vision on your way down as well we've probably talked about it we've done 130 episodes of this show we've done a thousand fantasy footballers have we talked about skydiving have you been i have been you have i was gonna ask i don't think we've ever talked about it oh i did it on my my 18th birthday I went and I did tandem skydiving. Did the chute open? The chute did open. Okay.

And skydiving, my overview, I was so excited to do it because I was a roller coaster junkie and the drop. The drop of the roller coaster, that's what I like. I don't like loops. I don't like g-forces from turns. I like the drop, and I like my stomach going up into my throat. So that's what i'm expecting oh that does not happen that does not happen at all it's i mean it's pure fear as you

stare out of the airplane and it's really loud and you think wow this is incredibly loud and then you jump out and then it gets louder oh really all wind? Because there is so much wind. And honestly, you don't, at least for me, I didn't feel like I was falling. I felt like I was just being pushed up against 100 mile an hour winds. Interesting. Instead of that falling feeling. You can't breathe out of your mouth. So in the movies when people are talking during skydiving, that's all bull crap. You have to breathe through your nose. and it's very difficult at that.

Your mouth is completely useless. And my, I had the old, uh, my face was just flopping around, just jiggling and flopping everywhere. But anyway, so that,

that doesn't happen. The coolest part of the skydive is definitely they hit the shoot and you've gone from that noise into just a silence that almost hurts. You know, it's so quiet. Your ears hurt, and you're floating, you know, tens of thousands of feet in the air, and you can see everything. So that part is very, very cool. And then you land.

But just if you're going for that thrill-seek of the the stomach jump it just didn't happen for me interesting wow that's i didn't know you have a very good recollection and i'm surprised how early you open that chute tens of thousands of feet left that's a that's a long chute right down is it i i'm just i don't know i i i assume you jump out of a planet you're probably about i think i probably jumped from like a mile so 5 280 what you described though pre-shoot says that this is not a glorious time it's not like this wonderful i'm looking up i'm looking up i'm not like relaxed looking at these beautiful clouds it's loud i'm still freaking out so here's what i don't want to have happen i don't want to feel what all of my bones disintegrating feels like

for a millisecond you don't want to feel the thump no so i'm going i'm going heads down eyes shut because look if you're like well if you you look up, you don't know when it's happening. I also have the technology with my eyelids to effectively do that. But then I don't think, you know, I don't think I'll know. I think you're going to feel it either way. A little bit. I think a little bit. Well, look, here's what I'm going. I'm going type A on my jump here.

Okay. I'm not losing control of my seemingly some semblance of control in this situation. I have a follow-up for your type A question or answer that. Well, my thought,

do you want me to finish or do you want to ask me first? Okay, well, I'll ask. So type A, you're in control. Are you going limbs out? So you are increasing

your air resistance. You are actually slowing your fall or are you going head down like a missile so you can go to go faster I'm going as if I'm wearing a wingsuit I think I can kind of get a little bit horizontal and save myself I'm going to try

to I'm going to try to fly horizontal you are going to have the most horrific end to that imaginable I'm going to try to fly. Horizontal? You are going to have the most horrific end to that imaginable. I'm going to try to take a layer of skin off at a time as I land. Oh, my word. I'm going to try to go down in a field on a side because I'm going to live. You got to hit the trees.

Yeah, I'm going for the trees. I'm taking control of this doom. So Jason's closing his eyes and just exploding. I am a head down bomb. Oh, you should go full on like. Cannonball? Cannonball. The world's best.

You got to aim for water. You're still going to die when you hit that water. But I'm aiming for water. Preferably a pool. Like not the ocean, but someone's backyard. They're all sitting around having their my time right before you hit that would be all you just hope that they have a backyard nest cam for you know the service I mean what a great There's no water left in that pool. Oh, no. Everyone's soaked, suckers. Just blood.

Oh. Oh, that's too good, man. Ultimate cannonball. Ultimate cannonball. Jason said about 10,000 feet, searching for pools. Yeah, you're darn right. I know what I'm looking for. Looking for the neighborhood.

He just misses the pool by a couple feet. Oh, what if you hit the diving board? Oh, but then you go back. Cartoon rule says you'll be good. Yep, I think that's right. That's when you aim for the kid's trampoline, too. That's another possibility. Yeah, rip splat.

Mike, which way are you going down in this thing i'm going face down okay and al have you gone skydiving before i have not okay yeah right no good stories from al all right we're moving on tony from instagram one year after the birth of your i can't stop picturing him going and he's wearing a swimsuit i mean you should go skydiving in a swimsuit just in case just in case if i skydive i will have a swimsuit on you have to be prepared for all things when you go skydiving oh man all right uh one year after the birth of your child you find out that the hospital accidentally switched your infant at birth would you rather do a swapski back for your biological child or continue raising the child that you have been raising as your own this is way too intense

this might be the craziest question can we get back to cannonball i mean tony from IG hitting us heavy. Oh, no. So you have raised this child who you love. Look, we've all raised three children. We know raising a one-year-old, no matter how difficult, how much sleep is lost, the love is incalculable. Just the bond, the experience, the, you know. Now, all of a sudden, you out and your kid but it's not i gotta i got a question i got a bad question okay not surprised go on do i get to see the parents oh right like oh they're really tall aesthetic choice Like, do I find out that I'm rearing, like, Christian McCaffrey's child,

and he's got my non-athletic genes? Wait a minute. That's going to – oh, stop it. Does that factor in? That's not going to factor into your first year? That's not going to factor in? Hold on. I'm going to let you have it.

But here's the thing. We'll let you have it. Okay. You can see the parents. You can look at their – But they see me too? They see you have it. But here's the thing. We'll let you have it. You can see the parents. You can look at their... But they see me too? They see you. But they don't get the decision.

This is all your decision. You can look at their test scores. You can see their... Can I have both kids? Oh, man. I don't think that's within the rules. Wait, can I give away both kids? Okay.

The problem is I will not be able to get over the mental knowledge that my biological child is somewhere else in the world being raised by people I do not know. I think that part will be so hard. What if it's like Bill Gates? Jeff Bezos says he's got your kid. I mean, there are more things in life than Bezos. I don't think Bezos is going to raise my children.

Well, I think his nannies will. But I just feel like I wouldn't want to give up the kid I have probably because of that bond. But then I wouldn't be able to live with knowing that like our biological kid. This was a mistake. This was something that went wrong. That's true. You got to fix it, right? You got to fix it.

I would absolutely undo this. And look, but is there a. You got to fix it, right? You got to fix it. Swapskies. I would absolutely undo this. But is there a year time that would change it, Jason, if it was a five-year-old child? Because at one year, I think that Jason's face is going like, yeah, that's the problem. If it's a five-year-old, that's totally different than one year. Five-year-olds, you have to have both. You got to add.

You just got to take on the extra child. You're a kid back. Is it stealing if it's mine? I don't know. Then they get theirs back. I mean, you don't get to choose. But if I... Yeah, at five years, I...

Oh, man. At five years, I feel like the ship has sailed, and I'm not trading back. I'm going to trade back. Because they're bonded with their parents. The difference is here, and I know there's a lot that goes into this that can uh fact in real life that can factor in in many different ways health you know all these joke things but i i really believe in my genes and i think that they're phenomenal so I'm gonna I'm gonna naturally want

my boy oh no we're talking DNA RNA everything I'm passing on is is he believes that his lineage is the most valuable child to have well therefore he should acquire it back. Which one of us named our firstborn after ourself? That would be you, Jason. That would be me because he's got great genes. Well, look, five-year-old, I just don't think I could do it. To me, it comes down to the kid. Like at one year, obviously, they're still bonding with the parents and bonding with the parents.

But that kid could get a Swapski, and we could get there. Babies are stupid. Babies are stupid. Thank you, Mike. But at five years old, I think that, I don't know, I think that I couldn't do it. You just got to wait for a bad week. All five-year-olds have really bad weeks,

and they're totally disobedient in little stretches. Well, guess what? You're going back to your little stretches. Well, guess what? Guess what? I'm not your father. Oh, no. Oh, no. This question compared to the skydiving one, back to back, that is a tough transition.

Luckily, we're professionals and we answered it. Mike, you haven't spoken to this. Now, is that because it's so difficult? No, I did. You wanted to give both kids away i gotta well yeah i mean if that's on the table then uh look daddy needs his rest but if if i can if i could size them up check check out what what i'm working with over here do i have a keeper is that what i hear do i have a keeper or i throw it back? I have a fair and accurate assessment of who I am.

I know my positives. I know my negatives. And if I'm willing to roll the dice on someone else, they better be very attractive. And what are his reading scores? How much you bench, bro? I'm five years old. Dad is brutal. No, I'm five years old. Dad is brutal. No, I'm asking the dad.

I'm not asking the kid, Jason. I don't know how far. I'm not asking the baby how much they bench. I thought we were five years old still. All right, Al, you want to move on? Let's move on. that's a great question all right Nikolai on Twitter says settle a debate for my wife and I window or aisle seat on a plane ain't no debate there yeah well uh the problem is it's a debate i believe on this show because i have flown with both of you fellers multiple times and we prefer different things

you two both prefer aisle seats is that correct aisle for life yes 100 I prefer window. Yeah, I mean, look, if I can have a nice, plush, wide, first-class seat, give me that window. But I'm a regular man. I'm flying coach. And these seats are not big enough. Look, those great jeans. He's got great jeans. Great jeans need to be in the aisle. Great jeans are a man of the people.

the aisle that's a great jeans are a man of the people and my point is when you're when you're in these tiny seats and you're not a tiny man i don't care about what i'm looking at or not looking out out a window i got to spread them i've got to here's here's a little known tip that I actually think a lot of people might not know this, that every single airplane, the armrests on the aisle will go up. There is a button somewhere on that thing. You can get it up. And when you get rid of one of your armrests, the world is your oyster, and you are free to. What about the carts coming down the aisle?

You've got to be watching out for carts. Yes. You are on Cart Watch, and I like that Jason is sharing this tip like I didn't share it with him a year ago. I'm sharing it because it blew my mind. You're stealing credit for my life hack. I was trying, but now you took it back. I was very rude. I was set up for success here mike

have you let me ask a real and let me get serious with you guys serious question jason have you been hit in the belly by the cart well does the sad does the love handle count as the belly i think you've knocked snot out of my nose. I have not yet got to that size. I'm working on it, but I think it'll be a couple years before the belly can hit the cart. I want to know if I'm alone here, though, because Al, you have to weigh in since I'm the lone

window seat person here. Are you a window or an aisle? I am a window. Yeah, you're five foot two. I'm a sleeper, and I like to have something to lean against. See, I like that. And I like it. The window is hiding. I can hide from the rest of the plane at the window.

I don't have to move if someone needs to go to the bathroom. What's your number one feature of the window? Why you choose it? Yeah, it's that. It's that I am tucked away in the corner. But what if you've got to go to the bathroom? Well well then i've got to climb over people but i don't yeah yeah well that's why i go before look we know on this show you rarely go before the show and sometimes that causes you issues i go before my flight and uh i like that and i like orientation

like i get a little motion sick and window is orientation to the way we're flying or turning, and it helps me not get sick. Now, Al, do you know what's the reason you like the window? Sleep. I like to lean against it and go to sleep. Oh, okay, sleep. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah. I completely understand that, and to be honest, I think I would sacrifice my spread of mentality for the window seat if I didn't snore.

But I'm terrified of falling. Because it's so nice to just lay against the window and have your plane ride disappear. But I'm terrified of falling asleep in a plane, which, like, planes put me out. I was going to say, for a person terrified, you do regularly fall asleep on a plane. What doesn't put you out? Cabrioles, movies. A horsey? A horsey does not put me to sleep when I've been on a horsey.

Bull ride? Bull ride, absolutely. I guess it's animals. I think it's exclusive to animals. But when I'm on one. Animals and machines. I don't. Well, machines, I don't count.

Planes, automobiles. I don't get on that, Andy. That would be ridiculous. What about just like a good old-fashioned chair surfboard no chairs are very sleepy um no yeah i would say most things put me to sleep but an airplane specifically really gets me sleepy but i feel so bad because you're right next to someone and if i'm snoring i would want to slap someone next to me snoring. Let me bring this to a story that I remember because I was on a plane with you and you had a woman that just was so rude to you and you were just doing nothing wrong and she

was so rude. I couldn't believe this woman. I couldn't believe. So look, I'm a little whiter but i'm not you know i'm not pushing four bills here no and so i'm already self-conscious four is the threshold now the threshold bar keeps going up but um i'm not a thousand pounds i'm only 750 there's bigger guys um oh my gosh i was on this plane ride and this woman had i was in the middle of course the worst I'm only 750. There's bigger guys. Oh, my gosh. I was on this plane ride, and this woman had I was in the middle, of course, the worst seat.

She's at the window, and I am doing my best to suck in and get the elbow on the inside of the armrest. I am uncomfortable as it gets this entire flight. Now, did you say the size of this person? Of the woman? Yeah. She was... Average size? She was average size.

Below average or average? I would say slightly below average, not an overweight person, 65 years old, rude as it gets. Sure. Rude from birth. I mean, she was reading this book and every time she turned the page she huffed and puffed like i was doing something wrong i'm not sleeping i'm

trying to stay out of her area and at one point she turns to me and she says i'm sorry i've had enough and i'm like what and it was because enough of of what? Enough of my shoulder, apparently. I can't change the size of my body. Like, I mean, that way. It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. She wanted you to, like, keep moving your arm, and you moved it all the. You were, like, basically sitting with your hands in the air in the middle.

I've never in my life been more uncomfortable on a plane. That was before that moment. Because I was trying to be rude so rude oh goodness you want to know who's parachutes not gonna open that ones like doing it to actually increase her room she could have have swapped seats with you that's true yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh, which would have just been great to see them both get up and swap. I've had enough. I've had enough. How dare you continue?

You're sitting here. Yeah. All right. Uh, PJ from Patreon, your newborn baby is granted one superpower. Oh, excellent.

You as the parent get to choose which power, but, You, as the parent, get to choose which power. Obedience. But, you as the parent, have to help the child learn to harness their power. What is the best and worst power to choose? This question. I mean, if obedience

can be a superpower, it cannot, Jason. These are traditional superpowers, and this, Jason. These are traditional superpowers. And this question is... Which are traditional superpowers, to be clear, are much easier to accomplish than just an obedient child. Easier for them to learn to fly is what I'm saying. If you're a super obedient child,

they follow everything you say and whatever. But imagine trying to teach a kid, a kid that's got laser eyes oh to control laser eyes so that this kid at any moment could just laser eye and destroy your entire household over under two and a half dead neighbors i mean on accident you know what i mean and i and honestly i wouldn't take i would take the push because i think one's gonna how many dead babysitters i mean come on no you can't go I mean? And honestly, I would take the push because I think one's going to end up in half. Well, how many dead babysitters? I mean, come on.

No, you can't go laser eyes here. That's asking for trouble. You can't go claws either. Wolverine claws as a kid? You're in trouble. They ain't going to work. Imagine your kid. Oh, flight.

That kid's dead. Imagine that kid's like, I'm running away. They just ran away 500 feet in the air. Even super speed. They just ran away 500 feet in the air. Even super speed is, look, I mean, I assume if they're super speedy, somehow when they're running, they're tougher. But I'd imagine, you know, runs to the middle of the road, that's not a place I want my kid. And he's accidentally like, I was just trying to go to the driveway,

and now I'm in the middle of the highway. Sometimes you can lose a toddler. You're going to lose a kid with super speed quickly, and they're not going to find their way back. And you can't do mind reading because as a parent, I sure know that kid cannot read my mind. That's off the table. So what superpower if you didn't have one?

Oh, man. You sure mind reading's not better? Because maybe kids just don't. It's the communication problem. Maybe they would understand what we want a little bit better. They're both shaking their head no. No, because they won't understand it the way that you are thinking it. When they see me crying inside my head at their lack of doing anything I ask them to do,

that won't give them sympathy? Empathy? I think they won't see you crying inside of your head. I think they'll see you saying terrible, bad, mean things about them. Wait, I'm not your father. I was about to go x-ray vision. You're going to hide the switch?

No, you're not. Yeah, that would be a problem. I was about to go x-ray vision, but then, yeah, that's... I mean, come on, man. What superpower doesn't get us parents in trouble here is there a superpower where kids just don't get sick because i i mean like regeneration i'd be down for like that wolverine can't get sick i hate kids getting sick i hate as the dad having to worry about them and like like that's the worst thing on this earth

over the last 15 years is sick kids for me but then when your kid is 25 they're gonna be like hold on you could have given me any superpower and you're just like healthy that's i don't know it seems like a good thing right now like right now seems like a time they'd be thanking me see in this country i don't even know if i'd go as kind as Regeneration. I was thinking just super strength, but not in the way of like you can lift a car, but in the like unbreakable sense. The movie Unbreakable, where it's like you just are unbreakable. You could get in a car crash and walk away. But he was also stronger. Yeah, but he's not like throwing, you know, super strength superhero, throwing people around.

Pretty sure he was like benching 300 or something. I mean, that's really strong. I don't know if that's superhero strength. I don't know, Jason. I'm not saying I could, but I'm saying there are people. I'm over here scoffing at the idea of benching 300 pounds. There are people who can do it is my point. Super strength is something people can't do.

Benching a tanker, you know, an oil rig, that's super strength. Could you teach a child to harness super strength? Yeah, you can teach them to harness anything. It's just the bumps and the bruises you're going to have to go through of a child with a child's mind of when they flash into rage and they're upset with you and they have super strength even if they're not i mean i loved wrestling with my boys growing you know what i mean like that was that they that we always wrestle and i don't i don't want to lose you know i gotta put them in their place so i'm gonna go with the regeneration i think that's the right call okay all right now al do we have time for another great question you want to go with the regeneration. I think that's the right call. Okay. All right.

Now, Al, do we have time for another great question or do you want to get to the draft? Let's go one more. Okay. Owen, from the website, what fictional restaurant or place to dine would you want to visit and eat at? Oh, man. From any movie or TV show. Now, I'm going to go with first thing that popped in my head. Okay. The Future Cafe from Back to the with first thing that popped in my head. Okay.

The Future Cafe from Back to the Future 2. Oh, Back to the Future 2 where he gets a Pepsi free. Give me the Pepsi free and the robot. Like that is one of the most iconic little restaurant things that I could think of right away. Okay. Off the top of my head, I mean, the first thing I thought of, honestly, I don't know the names of the places, but, uh, if you have seen a goofy movie,

there is a, there's a scene where they're at a motel and they are eating pizza. And this is the cheesiest looking pizza. You want the food inside of this place. This is cartoon pizza. Yes, this is cartoon pizza, but,

but you can see it and you go, that would be an amazing, it's an cartoon pizza. Yes, this is cartoon pizza, but you can see it, and you go, that would be an amazing pizza. It's like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, yeah. The cheese on their pizza was always like, why can't I get cheese like that? But when it comes to just, I have to actually know where I'm going to go. I mean. Now, people would say like like, the Cheers Bar. People would say, like, Central Perk from Friends.

See, to me, it was the Max from Saved by the Bell. Yeah, that's my answer. That was my answer was the Max. Because it's one of those, like, I'm racking my brain thinking about special restaurants, you know, places that they eat in movies and TV. I can't come up with much. But the only thing that I thought of was, like, you know, we grew up in movies and tv i can't come up with much but the only thing that i i thought of was like you know we grew up on saved by the bell and they were there every day and

there's like cool stuff happening and bright colors i just want to i want to experience some nostalgia firsthand i would do the uh the the seinfeld uh restaurant too that would be a little diner yeah the monks monks restaurant or monks, whatever it's called. Did Harry Potter have any... Yeah, three broomsticks. Oh my gosh! Totally changing my answer. The three broomsticks. Oh my goodness. Get me a butterbeer? Heck yeah.

Alright, let's draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right. I am very excited about this draft. I thought it was a very unique and interesting idea. And I am terrified. And Jason has the first pick.

And it is a draft of songs that we would play to scare off an intruder. Okay? off an intruder. An intruder, a bad guy breaks into the house and you and a music song comes on. A song comes on and you're hoping that this

runs them off. Gotta scare them away. I said this with the scat but with the number one pick I'm taking the worst music possible. The one that if they're going to be robbing my place, they're going to have to listen to Photograph from Nickelback.

Oh, would that be a way for them to instantly think that you have nothing of value potentially? I have nothing of value. I don't want to be there for this. I'll go to the neighbor's house. He's probably not playing Nickelback. Oh, my gosh. It reflects on you more than it does anything else. It does, but it's, it's protective. So I, you know, I'm willing to, I'm willing to take the shot to my brand in that moment of playing a Nickelback song to secure my television and my loved ones

in the house. So, uh, that's where I'm going. I'm saying, yeah, come on in. Look at this graph. I'm glad you guys are setting the tone because I didn't know how to take this one. So Jason, you went with annoyance. I am going to annoy them right out of my house. But I have other, I mean, not all my options are annoyances. Okay.

Yeah. And my first one, my first pick is not going to be annoyance. I have some annoyance picks as well. I have some things that I want this intruder to think about me or about what he might be in for. But my first song I'm actually going to go with is I'm going to play the, it's the Jaws song. It's the Jaws.

I want this intruder thinking that at a very short period of time, something is going to be attacking him. Possibly a shark. Well, it's a countdown. It's a countdown. You don't want to find out what happens at the end of that song. And then you're running and then it's the back and he's gone. That's right.

So I'm going Jaws theme. I'm very happy to get that with the first pick. I like that. That is an excellent pick. So in mine, I have mostly annoying songs, and then I have my own technique that I had thought of. All right. Okay.

I can't wait. Mike, is this a lack of confidence in your idea here? Oh, there's 0% confidence going into this draft. There's one I think you might take here that I really don't want you to take. I really doubt it. All right. Okay, let's see. All right.

So in terms of annoying songs, I am going to go with something. Jason. And you get two picks. I do, I do. But Jason, have you heard? Have I heard? That bird is the word? Bird, bird, bird. Bird is the word.

Bird, bird, bird. Just to disorient them? It's really fast. There's a lot of language going on and it's just an obnoxious song so I am hoping that at a certain decibel level bird is the word will convince

the attacker to leave that's a great pick taking something that is asinine and ridiculous and just hitting them over the head with it and turning the volume up is a great concept but are you telling me you think that that is

the most obnoxious no but I'm thinking there's obnoxious songs that you could play I feel like that one is frantic it's not just annoying it's also frantic it is frantic. It's not just annoying. It's also frantic. It is frantic.

The pace. Yeah, that's a great one. So this one, now, so unfortunately, I believe that when we post this, the topic will be to scare an attacker away. But I'm going with a different direction here. I'm not going to go with scary. I'm going to go with caring.

Fellas. Oh, you're going to try to convert this into. So I am going to play Hey Jude by the Beatles, because by the end of this song, it gets into the greatest sing-along moment in the entire history of music. And when this plays, when na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, entire history of music and when this plays when when that is playing when that is playing over

the airwaves you have no choice but to stop everything that you are doing are you singing with the intruder and just sing we're oh i got my arm around them we're becoming pals and then and then they just leave i genuinely i genuinely think that they will have the best burglary experience of their life they will really enjoy i mean it's not even work to take that tv down because they're having a whole single thank you dude i mean at least make it nice for them that way that's a way to inspire if he doesn't convert them. All right. I'm going to go with... All right.

I've got some different choices here. Look, what's one of the best ways? If you said right now today, what's the best way to detract an intruder? Give me some answers. Detract an intruder? Yeah. How do you get somebody that doesn't even want to? Look, they come up to your house.

What's a way to get an intruder to stay away? I think I know where you're going here. Electricity? Alarm system is one, but I'm not going there. What's another thing that's a detraction? It could be an animal. Could be a big old dog. Yeah.

Which means I'm going to draft DMX. X going to give it to you.'s gonna bark at him he's gonna bark at the intruder over and over and he's gonna run away you were gonna let the dogs out yeah i did you're making so much better no i'm going dmx oh my gosh i thought for sure. I mean, on my list, one of the songs I wanted the most was who let the dogs out. No, I get it. I thought about it. But look, I need a guy that's actually barking. I need some active barking in the song.

And DMX is good for some active barking. And he's going running. I'm with it. All right. So you've got your home security system, your dog deter deterrence but what happens when they're already there andy what do you who do you call when you know you've had no when you've had a break-in now when ghosts are the police yeah you call the police so i'm going with one of their songs i'm calling the police with every breath you take because when this song comes on wait you need them to recognize it's the that it's the police no i don't need them to recognize do

you know the lyrics you of course you know the every breath you take you know what that song is about i do but listen every step you take every move you make i'll be watching you you come in my house and all of a sudden it's telling i'm telling you everything you're i'll be watching you you come in my house and all of a sudden it's telling i'm telling you everything you're doing i'm watching you that song is first of all super creepy uh i know it's like this lovey-dovey song but it's no it's not well then i don't know what it's about but i know what it's gonna do i know sting may or may not keep people away it it it is it was intentionally written to be creepy it's it's written from the the perspective of a stalker oh that's exactly what and like and people when they hear it they're

like oh it's one of the best love songs of all time except it was not oh that makes it yeah that that makes so much more sense yeah i mean that's basically what i thought it was about because that is the creepiest everything you're doing i'm gonna be watching you i think that's that's pretty clever you you break into my house and all of a sudden that song comes on you're going where's the camera that's that's pretty clever jason i i approve i approve you got another pick now i'm gonna go hybrid i'm gonna go hybrid i'm sticking with my police but i'm also sticking with andy's jaws type of theme of scaring them because the bad boys bad boys what you gonna do what you gotta do what they come for i mean you're out of that house right oh that means the police are coming the cops theme i hadn't thought about that one. That's pretty fun. That's a really good one.

What you gonna do when they come for you? And it was 100%. 100% my idea. My wife never brought this up. She never helped me at all. 100% Jason more special. All right. I just stuck with more special, and you still would have been telling the truth.

Oh, but I'd want full credit. All right. Like your airplane trick? Yes. I'm going to go disorientation here. All right. It's a little bit of a bird is the word type of I want to disorient you. I want you to be a little bit confused at what you might find in each room as you try to rob me.

All right. So I'm going to go Barbie girl. Okay. Okay. At a high volume I'm going to go Barbie Girl. Okay. At a high volume. I think that that would disorient. You considered Barbie Girl. I considered it as well. How funny that we would all think of that song as a disorienting song.

It's disorienting, but I worry that it's also encouraging. I mean, here's this Barbie girl in a Barbie world. She's got all of these nice things. All material things. She's a material girl, and you're not scared away by a Barbie girl. I like that song. What are you going to do about it? It's fine.

Some bad songs are still bangers. That's right. Thank you, Jason. I thought about it, but I was really worried it would encourage them to enter my home and steal everything. Okay. All right. Jason, or sorry, Mike is picking. He has Bird is the Word.

Yes. He has Hey Jude, and he has his final two picks right now. All right. So I have my final two songs. I know what the picks are. Pick number one, I have a little bit of trouble describing it because I know what the official name of the song is, trouble uh describing it because i know what the official name of the song is but i am describing the cover and i don't know that people know the cover by the proper name so what a setup well i just want to i want to get it all out through the explanation that will make sense when i reveal it

but it is it's another disorienting song it's got a good dance vibe to it. It is just very strange and it became an internet sensation. It was He-Man singing the Hey Ya song. I said, Hey Ya! Hey Ya!

Hey Ya! I don't even know if I've heard that. Oh yes, you definitely have. I don't even know if I've heard that. What's going on? You definitely have. If you haven't heard it, you've seen He-Man dancing and singing that song. Okay, all right, all right. The OG is What's Up by Four Non Blondes, but people aren't going to know He-Man. I believe they're just going to call it He-Man.

The He-Man version of it. He-Man, I said hey. I don't know. We can figure that out. What's going on? Okay, that sounds frightening. It will disorient. It will disorient. All right, I don't know. We can figure that out. What's going on? Okay. That sounds frightening. It will disorient.

It will disorient. All right. I like it. All right. And then with my last pick, I'm going with, this is more of Andy's first pick. I got a slow burn. Okay. Because I am playing the most gangster song of all time.

And there is, in fact, a moment of the song where i jump out of the shadows and i beat you with a crescendo drum fill that is in time and you know exactly what it's going to happen because i'm going because i'm coming i'm hitting them within the air tonight by phil collins so they know exactly when their death is oh my gosh well look two drumsticks that's what you need yeah i have two mallets oh that's good that's good that's funny i can't ever hear that song without thinking of mike tyson's drumming along to that from the hangover and and that will you know look if you if you're getting the image of Mike Tyson in your head. That's what you want. That's exactly right.

I tell you what, fellas, the next time you go driving at night, just put that song on. Put your windows down and put that song on. And you will have never felt so alive in your entire life. It is incredible. All right. I have my final pick. I have the jaws theme i have dmx scaring you off i've got i've got barbie girl and here this one is a little different

i want this intruder to understand very quickly that uh look he may be in a house that he should be afraid to be in the house of um so i'm going to pick the song that i associate the most with the vietnam war which is credence clearwater revival's fortunate song because i want you to think that you are in the house of a man so there you go i want them to think that there's a vietnam veteran right yes about to attack them as though the Vietnam helicopter is coming in. So I will go with that. I thought you were going to go in the end.

Or this is the end. There are lots of iconic Vietnam War songs, but that's the one that popped into my head. So I want you afraid for your life. All right. I don't know if I know that one. You ready for some Agent Orange? I feel like we should have gone

just with Halloween theme tracks. You know, the scary music. That's how you get killed when they break in, though. Yeah, they kind of riles them up. I want them to feel like they made a mistake. I don't want them to be scared. I want them to think, oh, okay.

They think they're getting me. Instead, they're the ones getting got okay he's company theme song pretty close not too far off but we've all been there we've all been there where we think we're we're we're finding something fun and then all of a sudden we realize we got got because we got Rick rolled oh yeah baby never gonna give you up never gonna let you down and they're gonna be in my house going oh

I got got and they're gonna walk out with their tail tucked between their legs that's a good one your picks are great Jason nobody picked Smash Mouth which would have run anybody off I think but Between their legs. That's a good one. That's a good one. Your picks are great, Jason. Nobody picked Smash Mouth, which would have run anybody off, I think. But I think we did pretty good here.

Yeah. I got most of the ones I wanted. I did have, believe it or not, I had Oasis's Do You Know What I Mean on here. Because the song starts with a helicopter. And I was like, that could be scary. Okay. I had a bunch of annoying songs we didn't get to which mike mike went to kind of that that route here's some i'll throw into that into that uh bucket i've got baby shark oh yeah cotton eye joe and i've got friday

from rebecca black those were my your rendition of friday might be even worse than hers from Rebecca Black. It's Friday! Friday! I think your rendition of Friday might be even worse than hers. That little snippet was worse. Alright. I think that'll do it. What did we learn today? I can honestly say I learned two things from

Mike. One, that he's been skydiving. And two, that it's very loud. Yeah, that was cool. I also learned something from Mike that it is not the yellow brick road. It is the golden brick road. And all this time, I was way off. Mistaken. Oh, my goodness.

Well, I don't know if I learned anything. I was just doling out incredible knowledge this entire time. You learned that you're a genius. Yes. A professor. A seasoned educator. All right. My influencer.

All right. That'll do it for today's episode of the show. Thank you for supporting us. You can find us on Instagram, instagram.com slash spitballerspod. It's good to know Jason's doing an ultimate cannonball take care everybody goodbye thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast

to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballerspod.com.