Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: This Is My Fart Room - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 6, 2022

Spit Hit for January 6th, 2021: Hey Spitwads! ‘Is This Real Life’ is back in the lineup today! Come along and find out what headlines had the fellas scratching their heads in disbelief. We also get into some great ‘Would You Rather’ scenarios, as always. We polish off this episode with a draft of the best movie props to display in your home. Don’t miss this one! Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit wads, we hope you're enjoying the holiday season. And today we've got a great spit hit for you from the archives, one of our favorite episodes. And we're jumping into is this real life on the show today? We'll be scratching our heads with some of these crazy things that happen in the world around us. And, of course, we have a draft on today's show. The best movie props to display in your home. Do not miss this one. Enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations,

and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. A lot of rolling R's there. No, I like the beginning. That's a lot of rolling R's. I'm really cool with how it started. I don't feel like you ever stick the landing. No, I like the beginning. That's a lot of rolling R's. I'm really cool with how it started. I don't feel like you ever stick the landing. No, I'm like.

You just roll into, there's no punctuation mark at the end of the sentence. You're like stopping middle sentence. Here's the thing. I'm built solid. I'm a solid 255. Imagine me as a gymnast because I'm surprisingly athletic, andy we've yes said this before i i'm strong and i can i can move well uh i haven't seen it in a while so i can't confirm but but i know that you've seen in the past yeah but if i were to do one of those gymnast routines

where i go from corner to corner of the mat and I'm doing all the flips and everything. And then you go and you do that super high one and then you stick the landing. Yeah. My force would never be able to be stopped. You would bounce and ricochet into the crowd. Yes. I would tear a hole through the stands. You just go right through the ground.

Yes. So that's what my, that's what my skill is. Yeah, I was kind of picturing a drummer that just keeps hitting the beats, but never hits, never hits the, you know, the cymbal at the end or something. Yeah, I mean, for not remembering that you had the scat until mere seconds before I hit the button, it wasn't so bad. What's crazy is I remembered that I had the scat today about four or five times this morning, each time completely forgetting and then remembering.

And inside information here, I hate doing it. Now, why is that? The pressure. Because have I ever done a good one? Mike, we've set a pretty good standard. Yeah, I am. That's what I'm saying. Like, we get really good feedback.

Yeah. The fans love it. Here's something. Here's inside. Diggity-dooch. I don't like doing things I'm bad at i oh that's for sure yeah that's just that's for sure there are very that's why you haven't shown up to basketball night the last two times oh that is how dare you that's fighting oh my gosh that is hashtag not true um but but there's so there's very few things I don't do.

And so I just don't enjoy being forced to do the scat. Because, look, I know my limitations. The scat is not my strength. Well, at least the landing. The starts are fine. Just figure out how to finish, man. It's just inside of you. I mean, it's not a difficult thing.

Like, Al Borland, I bet, could crush a scat back there. Oh, you should get the next one. Oh, the next episode is Al Borland. You just gave him 40 hours of rehearsal. That's what you just gave him. Oh, you gave him 40 hours of pure anxiety. Yeah. Well, he's a performer. I appreciate Jason setting the bar low for me. Oh yeah. All right. Welcome in the spitballers podcast i could have sworn the last uh yeah we're show 82 now it says 81 nice job al uh we've got would you rather is this real life got another draft on the show today it's a fun one you can find us on twitter at spitballers pod spitballers pod.com is the website, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. Appreciate all the reviews, support of the show.

I know a lot of new listeners coming in here as our fantasy football podcast is in a – we're not releasing quite as many episodes right now. I wanted to say hibernation, but that's not accurate. No, no. It's just people maybe they got a little bit more room in their schedule, so they're checking out spitball. It's a light jog. Yeah.

So anything else going on we want to talk about here at the top? Anything I need to audit in this show doc here before we move on? But we can get into it. All right. Would you rather? I can't roll my R's, by the way. Really? No.

Really? I've always felt really inferior. Like, if I tried to do it, it would be, oh, man. You mean when you try right now? Correct. Yeah. That's an L. now correct yeah give me a word to say that naturally goes into a rolling up really really sort of i heard a few of them in there did you not make like machine gun sounds when you were a little kid? No, this is not for lack of trying, Mike.

This has been a real issue for me that hasn't been brought to light in quite some time. It just sounds like a bee. They're buzzing around here. Really? That's incredible. Just a little factoid here. All right. Jacob from the website. Would you rather never be able to use any pockets again?

I already like this question. It's very nuanced. Or never be able to see yourself in a mirror again? The mirror. Mirror. So, okay. So you can never see yourself in a mirror again. No loopholes, Jason.

You can't selfie yourself when you want to see how you're looking. It's not a mirror, though. He says no using your selfie camera as a store window. Or a store window. So you just never get to look in a mirror again, or you can never use pockets. And now these things. Can I use a fanny pack?

No. Well, ask Al. I mean, ask Al. Al, I want to know. Nope. Nope. nope okay so this is just if you have stuff you're carrying it in your hands i think that's the point of this is to say you know you never see your reflection again or you just literally have no like way of carrying so your phone your phone is always in your hand yeah yours oh you have a phone mic that you have one of them uh on the back of it. You're darn right.

I never drop my phone ever. But. Me either. And I don't have a loop on it. Yeah. Sure, Jason. Never drops your phone. But you just look super rude all the time because you always have a phone in hand.

Well, in that case, no, I'd be wearing one of those exercise bands. Well, that's like wearing a fanny pack. That's breaking the rules. 100% rule breaker. He doesn't say no watches. I mean, it's like you could put a watch on your wrist. But a watch is meant to wear on your wrist. So you think it's breaking the rules by having an exercise band? I do. Okay.

Whatever. Let's not get stuck in the minutia here. Is it more important that you see yourself? I mean, if you could never see yourself again. That's a problem. Yeah, I mean, I guess I would just be like, all right, I'll be like my kids are with my wife in the morning where it's like they're getting ready to go to school and the kids line up to have their hair done by mom. I mean, I'd just get in the line.

You'd slide right in. Yeah, I'd just be, all right, do my hair. I mean, why wouldn't I? I's the that's the way to let me ask you this question how often my pockets would be full how often has that already happened where you slide in that line not never never no i certainly look i do it all the time wait your wife does your hair? Not always and not like the majority of time, but if she's doing our boy's hair, we all do the same exact thing for our hair. And so I'm like, oh, I literally do what you just described. You slide into the line.

I just slide in. I feel like saying not the majority. So, okay, the minority of the time, that's still a lot for your wife do you get on your knees to get in the line sometimes oh my god i would say once a week you walk in with a big lollipop excuse me so uh that the extent my hair done ma the extent that i use my wife for my aesthetic is basically does this look all right that's the general question this is all right like every you know sometimes you're like maybe not i feel like you're transitioning to a shaved my aesthetic is basically, does this look alright? That's the general question. Does this look alright? Sometimes you're like, maybe not.

I feel like you're transitioning to a shaved head pretty quick. If you can't see yourself. I thought you were talking about me personally. I'm like, oh no. As a fellow with hair. I mean, hair respects hair. Good hair, Andy. Nice hair, Mike.

Thank you. Jay, you have good glasses. Our scat and hair game. Thank you. Yeah, maybe that goes together. Oh, see, you. That's your problem, dude. Scat club for men.

I think that's going to take me somewhere I don't want to go. I think you want to go somewhere very fibrous. So I feel like we might underestimate the value of pockets because it's not something you think you could ever lose. Oh, I know about it because. Exercise pants sometimes you got no pockets. I hear about it from my wife because apparently women's clothing frequently either doesn't have pockets or the pockets are just, they're fake. Yeah. Why are they putting the pockets are just, they're fake. Yeah. Why are they putting the pockets on there if they don't work? No room for pockets.

Who decided this? And stop doing it. Yeah, they put fake. Let them use. No, but don't you understand? If you put real pockets, they're so, like a lot of women's clothing is so tight, you have real pockets and someone puts it in there. It's just like a mold of that item.

But they got a lot of guys. At least you could do it. A lot of guys' pants are like that. Skinny pants? So the last Christmas season. Like a lot of my pants, you can tell. You're like, that guy's got an iPhone Plus. Yeah.

That's a lot of keys. The last Christmas season, Al Borland and I went and rode the Polar Express thing here in Arizona. So we get dressed up. It's a train. You get dressed up as a defined dressed up. You get dressed up in like Christmas jammies type of thing as a family. It's like a tuxedo? Yes.

I'm here, Santa. I had these Buddy the Elf sweatpants. I put them on and we're getting ready to leave the cabin we were staying at to go and there were no so buddy the elf from the movie elf as in like his tights no his face oh okay a hundred times you guys did the elf thing so there's no pockets there's no pockets and it was two things one a nightmare i mean it the amount of times that i'm like rubbing my legs for no reason you're doing the pocket check pocket check the what's it just i felt so wallet phone yes i i felt so wrong and then the second i always feel a little naked if i'm in my

like pj pants like in public though i mean yeah but everybody was and then no pocket yeah that makes sense um and but then the second truth came about and i this is just what would happen everything of mine went in the wife's purse yeah so this is so the wife solves both problems she either does your hair or holds your stuff whichever one of you're single you're doomed whichever one of these happen it's just bad for my wife. Yeah. She's dressing me, doing my hair, or holding my stuff. Because I'm a little bitty baby boy and I can't take care of myself.

See, we underestimate. I'm keeping the mirror. Because there are other things than just doing your hair. I need to shave and see the shave line of where I'm shaving. I need to trim my beard that way. I need to trim my beard that way. I need to, you know, whatever. Maybe you're out there.

You got to put contacts in without a mirror or something, you know, like just work. You need to get work out a monthly subscription to a barber. Imagine putting on a tie, but you can't see. First of all, imagine putting on a tie. That's hilarious, Jason. In general. That's a funny joke. Have you just never worn a tie all imagine putting on a tie that's hilarious jason in general that's a funny joke you just never worn a tie i've worn a tie pockets just makes me minimalistic which is something we all need anyway so i'm going to keep the mirror get rid of the pockets i'm going

to keep my pockets how are you doing how are you doing the neck shaving your neckline i can do that without a mirror because i use i use an electric Yeah, we'll tell you how it worked out. All right, Mike, which one are you going with? I got a... For vanity, I will keep the mirror. All right, yeah. Sean from Patreon has a would you rather question for us. He says, would you rather announce every time that you have to fart

and the fart is half as smelly or not announce your fart but the smell is three times worse so we had a couple episodes without the uh without a poop joke without a poop joke and we're back how does one measure the smell of a fart no here's how you i mean this is really the rectum scale it's rectum and nearly killed him. It's a 7.4 on the rectum scale. It's really simple. Uh-oh.

Everyone has done it. You listening at home have done it. You have farted. Uh-huh. And about five seconds later, you go, oh, no. You go, oh, that's bad. You know what I mean? Like, you didn't expect it.

We've talked about this where I know before the expulsion happens, like, where it will be on my rectum scale. But, I mean, my rectum scale is different than yours. Yeah, but that's not always true, Mike. Wait, you know 100% of the time? No, he doesn't. He thinks he does. You're like, this is a 7.8? I know when they're going to be bad. No, you don't not always true, Mike. Wait, you know 100% of the time? No, he doesn't. He thinks he does. You're like, this is a 7.8? I know when they're going to be bad.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. Dude, I have been around you in the other room from where we're at right now, and I have watched you fart, and then a couple seconds later go, oh, no. I remember that was like a month ago. Do you remember what I'm talking about? It's very possible. It definitely happens. And someone, he's like, I'm talking about? It's very possible. It definitely happened.

Someone, he's like, I always know. No, you don't. The majority of the time. Majority of the time. Fortune fart teller. But if you knew that you're three times worse at all times, does this affect your health? Are you really restraining yourself all the time? Yeah, you're holding.

You're not trying to sneak one in because you know you're three times. And the thing is, is if- I'm going to do a lap around the building. I'll be right back. If your farts are always going to be three times as stinky, those atomic bomb farts. Yeah. Oh, that's three. Everybody's got to know it's you after a certain amount of time.

After two. It's like, okay. After two experiences with that smell. This is a Mike fart. Jason's been after two experiences with that smell like this is a mic fart you know jason's been here both times that i've smelled this you'd be like what do you eat yeah i i don't know i i think uh announcing every time you have to fart is obviously i i just can't do that no because it's every time you have to. You might restrain it, but you've got to announce it, right? You've got to take the 3X.

Yeah, you have to take the 3X. And just find a private room. Don't go in there. That's my fart room. Here's my office. I'll tell you what. Here's the kitchen. I won't reveal which kid, but one of our kids fart room

is our car oh that's that's my fart and it's a hundred percent it's like it's like that's you know how your body can get in a routine in the morning you know you have your routines his is like okay this is a safe place to ruin my my siblings in my parents life oh man you know who you are out there just be thankful that he doesn't have the window lock button. He doesn't have the control. Right. Some people, I'm not going to name names or throw anyone this wonderful under the bus. But sometimes that window lock is on purpose.

And it's like, cup of cheese and if it's the three times i'm going three times well see that's the thing you can weaponize it yeah if you choose you can choose three times and then use that to your your advantage is what you're saying with great power with great power because you we've already had this conversation uh about over the last 81 episodes at times you've brought up like you're kind of a little curious about your own yeah oh yeah so all right it's not three times as terrible i'm telling you right now it's better i know it's awesome this conversation i swear i smell one right now i swear like al borland over there is like, let one go. All right. This is my fart room.

Oh, no. Brooks goes sprinting out of the room. All right. I'm going to officially go 3X. And then, you know, I'm selective of where I let them go no matter what. So now I'm really selective. Oliver from the website, would you rather always drink like a dog? So lapping up liquid with your tongue.

Okay. Or always eat like a chicken. So you slam your face into whatever food you're eating. So you're like the pecking motion of like picking up food. When you start reading this, I just think, okay, I'm definitely not lapping everything like a dog. Like that's not. I mean, that's not feasible rough man and like so go out for drinks my my my drink right now in this awesome mug is half gone now it's easy to lap up if it's full but when it's when it's halfway down how do you how do you that's a good i'd like a gin and tonic in a saucer please

yeah that would that would be rough and you need you need it takes time oh he just tried to laugh i tried to lap from a half-filled mug it doesn't work well and i spilled all over myself and imagine that thirst quenching moment where you're like, oh, man, I just got done with the run. He just tried again. Did you forget how to drink? It feels so stupid. I got a drinking problem here. You need to go to YouTube to see this because...

I can't. I thought I could do it the second time. You can't do it. Apparently. What about a third time? Third time's the try. Third time's the try, as they say. That's what you do say.

Okay, so you're tipping and trying to laugh. So Jason's dying of dehydration. That's what's happening if he chooses that one. Refreshing? The problem is when you tip the cup. Can you eat just slamming your head into the... You'd have a broken face. Well, you learn how to do it so that you're stopping at the appropriate time. Just a pecking motion. You don't have to hit your face into the you'd have a broken face well you you learn how to do it so that you're stopping

at the appropriate just a pecking motion you don't have to hit your face into the table but you have to do pecking motion so there'll be a learning curve and you'll be a little bruised and banged up to begin with so every bite you have to go back it has to be real quick pecking motion it can't be just like eating without your hands it's got to be a pecking motion yeah so you're gonna have to pick inevitably you have to pick certain foods to be able to succeed that way right imagine imagine eating a steak that way you can't do that imagine drinking out of a bottle of water when you have to pour it out like the way that you try and give your dog water for the lapping yeah it leaks out of the stream, I just get back from a run, and 30 minutes later, you're refreshed?

This is a terrible question. Both of these are awful. I think if you ate a steak, you'd have a fork and knife, and you'd cut it up into pieces. And then you would eat, yeah. And then you'd put the fork and knife down and slam your head in the plate. I'm just seeing both of these scenarios in a restaurant, and I just want to know what people... This is a very easy question. You have to take the drink.

Yes. Just ask the waiter to top you off all the time. Here's what I can do at any restaurant. I cannot drink. You know what I mean? Right. I can go there and just be a little thirsty, maybe sneak a lap or two in, you know, but I can go, but you can't go out to a restaurant.

They bring your soup out first and you're like, no soup. My arch nemesis. Yeah. So I'm, I'm definitely, uh, not going to, I have to side with that side and the food. All right, let's move on. Spit wads. I want to talk to you about Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile is supporting the show, and it's supporting your wallet as far as not taking a bunch of money out of it,

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mintmobile.com slash spitballers. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash Is this real life? All right. Al Borland, remind our listeners what we're doing here. You guys are coming to the table with some articles that you found that the headlines made you say, is this real life? All right. And then we're explaining them to the other parties and they can ask questions and we can discover the madness in the world around us. All right. I'll kick it off all right um at first i thought this story wasn't that special until i really read it and then i realized it's very special um so there's a woman and she's accused of firing a missile into another car okay she has a missile she has a bazooka now

so when you read on so i'm not revealing kind of the the crazy part yet so she's you're not pretty sure the crazy part is a woman shot a missile at another car well i'd somehow that is what she's accused of so this must be letter of the law what she really was doing was she was shooting a bb gun into cars in front of her house but shooting a bb is considered firing a missile by the law so she's accused of firing a missile that's not considered firing a gun it's considered uh an offensive missile into a vehicle. That is what she is charged with. She's 36 years old. So if she were to have, say, a shotgun.

Well, I think. It's a missile, Mike. Okay. I'm just trying to figure it out. But her name is where this story really. Oh, goodness. Her name is Crystal. And her last name is Methany.

M-E-T-H-E-N-Y. Crystal. Wait. So her name is Crystal Methany. Her name is Crystal Methany, and she fired a missile into a car and then was arrested for it. So there were people in the car. No one was hurt.

She was arrested, and she's been arrested before on drug charges not related to Crystal Metheny. But I'm sure we'll get there. But yeah, her name is somebody has the last name of Metheny. And they named their daughter Crystal. Which I could see happening. Like, I mean, she's 36. Did we have a problem with Crystal Meth 36 years ago?

I don't know. So this was unfortunate when this really started hitting well i mean her father's last name it was originally in and his name was hero heroine yes okay took a second okay it took me it's weird that her father's name was so different than her name that's what was really embarrassing to be named heroin. So you changed to Metheny. So Crystal Metheny fired a missile. That's real life. Crystal Metheny fired a missile. A missile. Yeah.

I'm still stuck on the BB gun as a missile thing. I can't imagine the cops who were there to arrest her and are taking the statements and writing up the paperwork. What's your name again? No, no. Your real name, ma'am. Man, this is not a joke yeah you're firing missiles samsonite missiles into vehicles yeah i like that you clarified though that no one was injured that's correct i can't fathom someone

getting injured if you're firing a bb gun into the side of a car you could make somebody crash through the window hit them in the head. It's not going to feel good. Do not encourage people to be doing this. No, no, no, no. I'm not saying everyone should go out and fire missiles into cars. Don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm just saying I would be shocked.

Did you ever do, I mean, let's be honest here for a second. As a kid, like, did you ever, like, throw anything at a car driving by? No. See, we played football in the front yard all the time and we would it was kind of like tempting fate to try to time up the throw over the car all the time and and i'll be honest a couple times it hit the missed time and we'd hit the car and at least once or twice that person was displeased and backed up and came back to find out what happened and we had had to say, I'm sorry. I never threw things at cars.

My name's Crystal. Matthew. I'm aware that many people. I knew several, several boys who threw things at cars, which is awful. It is awful. And there were people that used to throw things out of cars at people walking home from school. I got hit by a lollipop one time. I had an orange thrown at me one time.

There you go. Yeah. I was walking to the mall and all of a sudden an orange almost got me. In Peoria. A clementine? That was just Jason coughing. Yeah, I mean, look, I wish I could say that i never as a youth drove around and threw oranges out of my car at people but what if it was you mike what if oh that would be amazing like you

could go back to time and see that i need a time machine pronto i wish i didn't but i definitely have driven around it could you're saying there's a higher probability chance it was you that i was the one that got you with an orange you didn't get me oh so you suck at throwing you go home though mike and did you just did nobody ever know about this or did you go home and go someone just threw an orange at me no i just went about my day yeah they didn't get me happened every day all right who's got the next is there is this real life all right i'll uh i'll go here's the headline missing woman unwittingly joins search party looking for herself is this real life and it is a true story wait so they find her and then she's like what are you guys doing they're

like we're looking for a woman and she's like oh i'll help she so so here's how it happened which makes it makes sense but this really happened this woman oh man 50 people were involved looking for this woman oh it's all good hours and hours go on the uh they're they're they're on vehicles on foot they've got the coast guard involved no is this florida no this is uh in why did that why was that i believe it was in canada uh this is florida there's these things happen okay so it happened actually in iceland it was a tour there was a uh a tourist like bus that was a group all right a woman okay a woman got off and i apparently wanted to change her clothes so she she changed her outfit came back on and the tour bus was missing a woman they didn't recognize her and so there was a missing

woman that they had lost at one of their stops and she did not recognize the description of herself so she was just from the get-go part of let's find this missing woman on this bus and then eventually this was like 3 a.m i don't know how it came all the way someone says we're looking for you yeah then and then it was like, wait, I've been here the whole... Here I am. I've been looking for me the whole time. So this tour company, they don't write people's names down. They just write red shirt, fella in brown hat. Hawaiian pants. Lady in jeans.

What is wrong with this company? I don't know, but it was a wide search. How do they not just ask has anyone seen karen but oh no i'm right here problem solved they're so thorough he assumed it was another karen yeah they're so thorough to make sure that nobody gets lost and yet they have no idea of who is with them the headline was spectacular woman unwittingly joins her own search party yeah all right mike you're up i feel bad because it's another woman article but is it crystal methani did you get lost no but i mean you guys have heard you've heard of necromancy correct

like you've heard that term yes this is like that's like occult stuff with the dead like dead magic i mean yeah black magic i know it from uh like diablo sure and games like that well apparently in england and your uncle's a necromancer from what i recall he's very good top level yeah top notch yeah uh but there is a lady who is an asparamancer an asparamancer that means that she can use asparagus come on and she like cast a spell she throws it no and then reads she doesn't read the tea leaves she reads the asparagus and the patterns and the patterns that it and she interprets the patterns this one's on you world so she was able to she claims that she predicted that that at uh harry and megan they were going to split from the royal family

and so she saw that in the asparagus spears and she she says she gives herself i mean she's at least realistic that she's usually about 75 to 90 accurate accurate. So she's not 100%. Not 100% hit rate. Well, it's an asparagus. Yeah, it's an art. It's not a science. She'll get better as time goes on. You know, the more asparagus she looks at.

Yeah, she admits sometimes she doesn't quite read it correctly, but claims she is never far off with her predictions. People are so gullible. They really are. Be on the other side of this table. They're so They really are. Be on the other side of this table. They're just so gullible. Be on the other side of this table. On the asparagus side?

I'm on the other side of the table. Imagine sitting and across from you someone throws asparagus on the table and then says, I see the future. That's a crazy person. And a vegetarian. I don't know, Jay. 75 to 90%. That's pretty crazy person. And a vegetarian. And then you... I don't know, Jay. 75 to 90%. That's pretty, pretty good.

That's also a pretty big margin of error to say I either get it right 75% or 90%. You could get that down to 50-50 maybe with rutabaga. I mean... Okay. So this is where the world's at. Yeah. See, we're desperate for answers. It's funny because it reminded me of, do you guys remember the old Robin Hood with Kevin Costner?

Yes. Oh, yeah. And the witch. Of course. She just throws the stuff in the pan. Well, this is asparagus. And at least at the end, then you can eat the asparagus. Yeah, do you eat your future?

Of course. That's got to be part of it. If it's a good future, you eat it. If not, you eat it if not you eat it yeah yeah and then like the smell of the pea has to do with the prediction as well she's not gonna let the asparagus go to waste no no of course not that would be a crazy person she's a responsible psychopath but would you eat it if it was a real like you throw the asparagus out and you're shocked you see death oh yeah you're like bob's gonna get hit that's actually what i see when i see asparagus death and there's like do you eat that asparagus

that asparagus you don't want to eat that asparagus right i need to start reading people's futures and pints of ice cream because that's my that's my game how are you not an expert already because they are you're you know that's genius because you already got the cold stone you put the cold stone out there you grab the couple of things. Choppa, choppa, choppa. So now ice cream is a business expense. Yeah. It's a tax write-off.

I can draw out their future in ice cream and then scoop a little. I see. And then I'll taste it. Oh. This tastes like pain is coming for you. Wait. You will spend money soon. The cold headache you get. That's how you see it. That's your vision. Genius. Wait. You will spend money soon. The cold headache you get.

That's how you see it. That's your vision. Genius. Genius. The Spitballers Draft. All right. We are drafting movie props. The greatest movie props of all time.

Now, we're basically saying, hey, we're going to go round by round, draft the best movie props. These are to be put on display in your home. What would you most like to have? What would be the coolest? What would be the coolest? What would be the neatest? What would be the most impressive to put on display?

Or maybe it's just like you personally love certain movies so much. That's where mine will be yeah you're you're going personal you're okay uh like the like for mike the original reel of land before time that would be huge for mike well the long necks the long neck never forget that movie actually scarred me oh because the first movie is a parental death because the parental death yeah all right moving on it. Yeah. All right. Moving on. The Bambi situation. Yeah.

I don't remember it. You don't remember Lamb of Four Time? Like, I remember. With the star leaf? I remember. Littlefoot. And Littlefoot and Sarah? Sarah.

Sarah the Triceratops? Petrie. Oh, the Petrie, yes. Petrie. This conversation confirms I do not remember it at all. Nothing that you said. Three horns, right? Three horns?

That's what they called the triceratops? And then they eventually made about 25 of them. They did, all to DVD. No, these were VHS. Yeah, sorry, all to VHS. And we had them all. But anyway, moving on. Not picking anything from Land Before Time.

Jason, you got the first pick. Let me just say this. You can't pick a prop from an animated movie. There is none. That's fair. All right. I will take the crayon, the red crayon. A lot of movies made with crayon these days.

A lot of movies. All right. A lot of animated films. Crayola sponsors them. Okay, so look, I've got the 101 there is a 101 there is and I'm taking it because it's mine it's the best no it's not what you think I'm taking because I know what your 101 I think will be the 102 all right what is it I'm taking the lightsaber yeah that's the that's the easy 101 it's the most magnificent item in cinematic history.

It's spanned many movies. It's got super fans. Yeah, I mean, it's a great pick. When I wrote it in my list, I just wrote lightsaber because it was like, okay, do you want Darth Vader's lightsaber? No, he wants the lightsaber. I mean, but you got a lightsaber. Now, here's the thing for you. It's cool, but just to be clear, you have a lightsaber handle.

That's what you told us. I mean, it's cool but you just to be clear you have a lightsaber handle that's what you told us i mean it's not a lightsaber right but i mean you could still display that awesomely yeah no doubt no doubt i'm not you know yeah it's the coolest weapon but i'm happy to be a number two then because i will take the hoverboard from back to the future there's just no way i wouldn't want that on display i mean literally if you're looking at youtube right now it's uh there's a imitation hoverboard back there yeah yeah that's not the actual one or is it you'll never know so i'm taking the hoverboard from back to the future mike you get a pick a couple times i want this to go 20 rounds there's so many things i want it could definitely go long. All right. I will take, with my first pick, I'm going to take Indiana Jones' whip.

There are so many different things you could go with Indiana Jones. Yes. I've thought about that. You want his hat. Yep. You want his satchel. But I'll go with the whip. I mean, the weapons are always the cooler.

Can you take the boulder? Of course you could. I thought about the boulder. You definitely could take the boulder. I'll have to consider that. I mean, the idol from the first Raiders take the boulder yeah of course you could i thought about the boulder you definitely could take the boulder i'll have to consider that uh the idol from the first race yeah but the the chalice yeah the holy grail except the problem is that's not you know it's like it's very plain it's made it's the cup of a carpenter but yes it's made to be the super plain are we just gonna read we're just gonna go through the All right. All right. So you took the whip. I guess.

I got the whip. That'd be pretty cool. You can add the hat right now. You're on the clock. Yeah, no. I got to switch movies. Yeah, that's what I was wondering, if people would stick with one movie or not. By the end, I just-

I'll take the whip and the boulder and the hat and the chop. I'll take Harrison Ford to live in my house. I'll take the arm from the fugitive. You just gave me a great idea, though. You gave me a great idea. That would be awesome. All right. I just got a new one.

Thank you, Mike. Yeah, the problem with this is just that there are so many, and I have literally no idea where your guys' interest remains, except I knew Sabre and Hoverboard would not make it to me. But I'm going to take the board game. I'm going to take Jumanji. Okay. Okay. No disrespect to the new ones. They're funny.

Yeah, but Robin Williams, Jumanji board game. But I want that board game. You think people would... Would your kids try to play it? I would play it. Okay. But you'd be disappointed. Jumanji! You'd be disappointed because nothing happened mike sits around for two hours a day hoping he gets swirled into i was told these pieces move themselves all right so you're going to manji that's cool back to me you're up all right uh

i'm gonna let one go by because i don't think Jason would take it. He's got two picks. So I'm actually going to go with the Zoltar machine. That's on my list. Oh, that's good. I love that. From Big. It's on my list. The movie Big because it's like a great large-sized prop to have in a house. So if you're younger and you've never seen the movie Big,

this is the machine that, like... You don't even have to plug it in. The kid Tom Hanks goes to and makes a wish, and he wakes up big, and it's an old movie, and you can watch it. Did you ever get to use, not a Zoltar, but one of those machines where it's the fortune-telling machines? Never did. So we would go to Disneyland every year as a family.

You put your quarter in the asparagus. You want my farts to be three times as smelly. And then it came true. But they had one of those machines over by, I think it was by Pirates of the Caribbean. And that was every year. I was super excited to get this card that just prints out gibberish. Yeah. But it was awesome.

I'm going to go Zoltar machine. it the truth is is what mike said you don't know what movies kind of made their mark on it on you growing up but i think that's a great one jason you got two picks was that on your list jay uh it was it was it was on my list but i wouldn't have okay i wasn't sure if i needed to take it there but um i would i i feel like you get that machine, you've got to hook it up to a battery pack and have the cord show. You know what I mean? Oh, so the cord's always just hanging to the side, and then you're like, wait a minute. Oh, it still works. I'm going to switch the battery.

All right, so here's my problem right now is I agree with kind of what you're saying with the Zoltar machine, that there's something cooler, cooler about a large big prop. To put it on display. Exactly. So with one of these picks, I'm going to take something tiny. And with the other pick, I'm going to take something big. Okay. Okay.

The anticipation's killing me, Jason. I'm taking... Which one first? Small one or big one? Big. Well, I already took the lightsaber, which was small. That's small. So I'll go big now.

Okay. Not from the movie Big. I'm going with the Batsuit. Okay. All right. Interesting. When you go to those cases where you've got a whole costume that's in glass. That's how I see your lightsaber, too.

It's in an acrylic glass. But so Batman, like the Batsuit, not Iron Man. The Dark Knight Batsuit would be just so awesome. I hadn't thought of that. I thought about a lot of different, like, oh, Batman's so cool. Do you get the Batblades? The Batblades? You really like Batman, don't you?

The Batblades. Oh, the Batman, don't you? The Bat Blades. Oh, the nerds are coming for you, dude. You know, do you want the utility belt? The Batarang? I'm getting the whole thing. The Bat Blades? I'm embarrassed to be on this show right now. Okay, come on.

You knew what I was talking about. He's got this belt thingy. I love... That he puts his tools his tool belts okay the the bat tool what about his back sheet his back sheet yeah his back sheet yeah the the cape and his horns and his head horns is it too late to take the bat car i love that when i'm a big fan of the movie that never ever ever alludes to the battering or says that because i didn't i'm not a comic clearly didn't own any of the

merchandise prior to this uh movie prop you didn't have any of the action figures so you don't own battering but everyone knew what i meant but the the thing is is i'm getting the coolest thing i'm getting the whole outfit including the back sheet which is attached okay all right what's your small thing now my small thing is the one ring that will rule them okay i'm taking the lord of the rings the one ring and now that's got to be in a case that you need to let them inspect it i mean you need to let them read the inside of it does it glow yeah i hope so i hope it comes with all the magic it's just gold right uh it's and it's got that the elven language yeah i'm not a lord of the rings guy but i mean i assume that when we're getting these props we're getting the prop yeah you are yeah that's what makes it cool

yes because if i got a replica of the ring that's pretty pretty lousy. But if I've got like this is the ring they used. And look, nerds, I know they used a lot of different rings. Okay. Right. I get them all. Okay. So I've got to watch out for nerds now apparently. Pre-attacking them.

The nerds, we are mighty, Jason. All right. Be careful. Al, what does Jason have so far? Because you got three picks, right? Yes. The lightsaber,

the bat suit and the one ring. Okay. And I've got the hoverboard. I've got the Zoltar machine and I am going with the carbonite Han Solo. Okay. I'm taking the carbonite Han Solo, which I hadn't thought of until Mike said, I'll take Harrison Ford.

And I picture him inside the carbonite and they gave and that's so cool that is so cool i mean it's like cast and like it fills a wall and uh so uh lucasarts was a game company they they no longer exist because disney bought lucas and then dismantled this company which is was a travesty i'm on record here uh but nerds agree i had a uh like a a music composer buddy and he had my dream job he worked at lucas arts but i was able to go tour the lucas arts offices and they had they had a han solo they had just cool stuff everywhere but they they had one of those, and it was like, how do I slip this under my shirt? Probably going to be difficult. Very.

Well, I didn't get it. It seems like a really, really cool prop. See, that's one where if you got a replica, amazing. Just so cool. If you got a big, giant replica of the carbonite full human, that's awesome. That's neat. Yeah. Versus the one ring. human. That's awesome. That's neat. Yeah. Versus like, you know, the one ring.

Right. All right. So with my first one, because I got the back-to-back picks, I get it. It will be a little niche. It will probably not land among this crowd. But I will take the Spinal Tap amp

that goes to 11. a music nerd spinal tap is one of the best movies of all time it is one of the best comedies and that's whole scene and just it's big i got an amp head here and it goes to 11 which is spectacular and then man final pick now the pressure is really on. We're going five rounds. Oh, yeah. See, I'm all about that. We're going five because Al shot me a wink. Wow.

And he said, let's go five rounds. Okay. Well, now I'm on even more tills. Hey, I'll let you know. You still got two picks left. All right. I will take the hockey stick putter from Happy New Year. That is so good.

I saw my short list. Is it? It is, yeah. I'm actually bummed. I thought I'd get that. And it seemed like a nice detour from the fantasy genre to a comedy prop. All right, that's great. So what's Mike's team now?

Mike has the whip from Indiana Jones, the Jumanji board game, spinal tap amp, and hockey stick putter From Happy Gilmore I can't believe you took the whip over the hat I'm taking the hat right now It was a very difficult choice I'm taking the hat from Indiana Jones So those two very tight

I've already told the Disneyland story But so like legit The last time I was there I was in the shop And they have Indiana Jones stuff and I put the hat on. I was like, man, did you feel great? I think I could pull this off. Oh, man. Oh, so you almost.

I almost bought a hat that, of course, I would never, ever wear, but I was looking in the mirror going, you know, I don't know. I think I could do this. I think I can do it. I really hope one of these days you come in here wearing an Indian. And that's what you're wearing for the day. You're wearing a beanie today. Tomorrow it's an Indiana Jones hat.

Yeah. All right. Hoverboard. Zoltar machine. Carbonite. Han Solo. You've got double Harrison Ford over there. I do.

And then the hat from Indiana Jones. Are you putting the hat on the head area of the Carbonite Harrison Ford? No, I'm not. All right. I'm up. I've got... I was afraid you'd take the hat. That's why I took it there.

I wanted to save it, but I was like, man, he might take the hat from Indiana Jones. The hat is on my short list, or was, but it was off my list when you took the whip. Because I took the whip. I just didn't want to split the vote. All right, Jay. You got two picks. Do we go five or six? Five.

All right. 16. Well, I'm just very disadvantaged. Right, because you get the. Well, you're the last pick in the draft. Exactly. That's his point. Last pick of the first round. Last pick of the first round.

Last pick of the first round. Whatever. Do you want to go six? I don't care. We'll see. Let's just go through this round. We'll see how it goes. Yeah.

Maybe we'll go an extra round. All right. So since I get two picks, oh, brother. That means I'm going to have to pick twice. Thanks, booger. All right. I would be sad if I don't take this because it's from my favorite movie. It is the best movie of all time, and I want the Braveheart sword.

Okay. That's so good. I'm going to put that thing. That's a great prop. I'll make like a mound of earth, and I'll put the sword in there where it's waving with a little flag on it. It's permanently waving in there? Okay.

I'll put it on a motor. I'll do whatever it takes to get that picture-perfect situation. What differentiates... Oh, can you roll your R with freedom? Freedom! All right, just... What differentiates the Braveheart sword? So, well, one...

Probably nothing, other than it says so on it. Yeah, I mean... It'd probably be autographed by Mel. He needs the cash. It's got the it's got the uh the the little flag thing hanging from the you know it's it's got like a little ribbon thing that hangs from it and it's that's why he needs wind and it's a gargantuan sword i don't know if you remember i know i remember being large but can this is a broad sword it's like the size of it

differentiate it from just another sword it would it would be pretty humongous yeah yeah um all right so i'm happy i've got that all right it's all like i want weapons no i know it's hard to not just take all when i started to make my list it was 100 i'll take michelangelo's nunchucks please oh that's a good one dang it those nunchucks, please. Oh, that's a good one. See? Dang it. All right. So this one was,

I was planning on having this be my last pick this morning. Are we going to stop at five or are we going to six? We can go five. Let's go to five. Yeah, let's keep it five. All right. So your last pick. We got our last picks right here.

All right. So if this is my last pick, I'm going to go for really just memorable landmark item from a movie. Please don't. Please don't. Jason's going for votes now. No, no, no, no, no. I came in this morning and was talking about this item to these two beautiful producers

over there. Please don't take it. The ember cane with the mosquito. John Hammond's cane from Jurassic Park with the dinosaur mosquito. It's amber, Jason. Yes, it's on my list. Cane with the mosquito. From Jurassic Park. John Hammond's cane from Jurassic Park with the dinosaur mosquito. It's Amber, Jason. Yes, it is. That's, I pronounce. It's not Ember.

It's right next to the bat blades. I pronounce things differently than you, Mr. Know-it-all. When you said Ember, I'm like, okay, what like spark or fire thing is there? But so you're taking the Amber thing. Yeah, the John Hammond's. From the dino parkonds from the dino park dino park thing I'm so mad that I didn't get something

from Jurassic Park yet I really know you're on take it but you I know but I did you know I don't know if I have something I would want more than that that's a good pick from Jurassic Park thank you but you do get the ember you don't get the ember I'm fine't get the ember.

I'm fine with that. All right. Last pick for me. I am not taking it. And Mike, you can take it if you want to. But I was close to going like the leg lamp from Christmas Story. Because I want something that I can bring out and display seasonally. I thought that would be pretty cool.

But I don't really care about that movie. Yeah, I'm with you. But I'm actually going to take something that I think will just show really well and is like iconic and I'm going to take Wilson from Castaway. Oh, yeah, the original Wilson from Castaway. You're the only one here that has drafted actual people like

Wilson is a character. You've got you've got Harrison Ford himself in carbon like you're drafting a Wilson's Wilson is a character. You've got Harrison Ford himself in Carbon. Like, you're drafting. Wilson's a volleyball. Right. Okay. I'm just making sure you've seen that movie.

But he's a full-blown character in that movie. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, he's a volleyball. He's a prop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm giving credit to your picks. I got that by the end of it.

Yeah. Okay. All right. So, Mike, you have your last pick. Yes. So, I had to look up the name of it because I only knew it as eye flashy thing. Oh, yeah. Men in Black.

I will take the Neuralizer from Men in Black. That's so iconic. That's not bad. Yes. That's not bad. It was tough between that one and, I don't know, I'm just drawn to it, but I wanted the golden ticket from Willy Wonka. I thought about a ghost trap from Ghostbusters.

You should take the proton pack. I mean, that would be cooler to me than the trap. The weapon. Yeah, the weapon. Dude, the Elder Wand. Wait, you're done, right? We're just naming ones we hadn't drafted. The Horse Head from Godfather. Yeah, the weapon. Dude, the Elder Wand. Wait, you're done, right? Well, yeah, it was just, yes. We're just naming ones we hadn't drafted.

So the Elder Wand. The horse head from Godfather. I wanted the Elder Wand bad. That'd be disturbing. Yes, it would. You got Thor's hammer. Oh, yeah, that's not bad. I was like, do you take one of the Avengers weapons? But I just left it alone.

Captain America's shield. The lower tiered stuff I had was uh was uh the mask oh from the mask i had the giant helmet from space balls on my short and my short list as well that's a good that's funny and then the most obscure one i thought about taking it just to make jason laugh i was gonna take the three seashells oh yeah oh yeah i knew it would make it so good from uh demolition man i'm surprised you didn't find an ace ventura related prop jay i don't know that there was a good shirt i mean his shirt is the iconic some bat the iconic piece of clothing from ace ventura is a shirt yeah and that's not good enough if i'm gonna take clothes's going to have a back sheet on it.

You know? Oh, my God. I thought the boulder from Indiana Jones would be really funny if you walked into somebody's house. And it's just sitting there. You'd have to spend so much money to make sure that this thing can move. Oh, it has to move? If you have the boulder in your house, it's got to do something. I never figured it had to move.

I don't think it has to move. I think the issue is getting it house, it's got to do something. I never figured it had to move. I don't think it has to move. I think the issue is getting it inside. It's got to move. Is there any glaring omissions from the producers over there? The Infinity Gauntlet? Anything that you didn't think about? Oh, yeah, the gauntlet would be okay. You got some good ones in there. I'm a pretty big...

Alfred Hitchcock did Rear Window, so I thought about doing the camera from that. You're a Hitchcock guy? I'm a Rear Window guy. That's my favorite. One of my favorite old movies. You're a Hitchcock guy? I'm a rear window guy. That's my favorite. One of my favorite old movies. You could go in the knife. Yeah, from Psycho. Yeah.

That's another Hitchcock, right? So many great movies. Yeah, so many good ones. What did we learn today? We learned that Jason claims he's a Batman fan. I learned that Andy cannot roll his R's. That was going to be mine. You learned that?

I still can't do it. I haven't tried in a while. At some point in your life, you give up. Well, try again. Really? You had a piece of it there. You got to turn your tongue

like half over. So you can't purr then. You cannot do a... That like half over. So you can't purr then. You cannot do a kitten purr. That's your lips. Really? Okay. I learned I don't want to hear him try to roll R's anymore. No, it's not a good sound.

I learned that there's a lot of cool movie prompts. How about that? Yes, there are. There's a lot of neat ones. Thank you for listening. We will see you next Monday. Hope you have a good week. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.