Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Trash Burglar & The Worst Halloween Candy - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

Spit Hit for July 21, 2022: On today’s show, we spend far too much time trying to define & describe heartburn. It is much more complicated than one would imagine. We also figure out what’s got Jason tasting his underwear when he puts them on, and what’s got the guys peeking into their neighbor’s trash cans. We close down this episode with a draft of the worst Halloween candies. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit, well, it's one of the most complicated things that mankind has had to deal with is understanding truly what heartburn is. And today we're going to dive deep, deeper, deeper than we should. Really, really deep on heartburn. And we're going to have a great draft of the worst Halloween candies ever, which of course should not and will not for me include candy corn. So enjoy this great episode and we'll be back next week. which of course should not and will not for me include candy corn. So enjoy this great episode and we'll be back next week.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Rat-a-tat-tat, put some candy in the bag, ba-dingy. Rat-a-tat-tat, Mike. You couldn't even switch it? Rat-a-tat-tat. But if you would have gone with, like, rat-a-tat-tag, put the candy in the bag.

I don't think it was planned. I don't think this was a deep. Rat-a-tat-taddy, put some candy in the baggy. No, now you're doing T's and G's, man. You just can't. Look, you can do whatever you want, right? I don't believe there are scat rules. I've not checked.

I'm on a bit of a cold streak, but let's just say that scat ties into today's draft. It certainly does, and it would have been even better. It would have been better if you would have gone with tag and bag. Listen, you do you, Mike. All right? I'm just out here trying to help people rhyme. Welcome to the Spitballers podcast, episode 119 in our illustrious career. 119 episodes is exactly the amount of episodes it takes to win a second consecutive Best Comedy Podcast Award. Woo! Shout out to Al Borland.

We did it. And Al Borland alone. America. Shout out to the Spitwads. I know. Everyone out there voting for us, we appreciate it. You guys are awesome. We appreciate your support and your love, and we will continue to not make you laugh.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I thought you were going to say win awards. Oh, yeah. That's for sure. No, that's pretty cool. That's a neat way to celebrate the show. We're really just a shell corporation that's trying to get awards.

Yeah. Yeah. And my scat is step one. Yes. Add SpitballersPod on Twitter. SpitballersPod.com is the website. And you can check that out. Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod.

Are we doing well today? Are we doing okay? Fantastic. Hadn't been back into the studio in a little while. Yeah, this is pretty wild. Usually, I mean. A little too close for comfort, if you ask me. I don't know how many spitballers we did remote.

A lot of them. I feel like it was. 100,000? I feel like it was like. I mean, 30? No. Was it that many? No.

I don't know math. It was like 12. I'll get back to you. Okay. It was more than 12. Was it more than 12? It's been quite a few. It's like 16?

It's a little different being back in here. How about 20? 20 sounds right. All right. Okay. Let's move on. Would you rather? All right. Cam from the website has a would you rather? All right, Cam from the website has a would you rather question for us.

You've been cursed. You have been cursed by your local wizard. That doesn't sound like him. From time to time, bad mood. Just saying. However, he has mercy on you, and he allows you to choose the punishment. There he is. Would you rather have 24-7 heartburn or a 24-7 headache?

What, like forever? 24-7 is 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So it sounds like it's a week. We got a week-long headache or a week-long heartburn. There's no Advil. There's no Tylenol. No Zantac no you're living with this which one do you choose and I'm I'm struggling here okay because the way that I see it is I deal with heartburn from every day um to every day. So from time to time, I deal with heartburn. About 24-7? We need to work me through this.

Heartburn, indigestion. Are these two separate things? Not really. No, they were only made separate issues for the Pepto-Bismol rhyme. No. They needed more words. No, okay. So hold on.

That's the rhyme. Diarrhea. What? Why did they go with heartburn? Because it's near your heart. It's where it happens. When you're saying, oh, I've got a pain around here. To me, indigestion is in the tum-tum area.

No, no, no. What is that? That's intestinal bloating, Mike. That's a tummy ache, Mike. That's not indigestion. No, indigestion's up here. It's always up here. You've either got the reflux up in the uppers.

You're pointing into your esophagus. Now, is there a difference between reflux and heartburn? Because I don't think so. I think these are all synonyms. Now, see, that sounds more like it because, to me, indigestion has the word digestion in it, and my esophagus is not doing the digestion. Your esophagus is part of the digestive process.

Is it? Yeah. Organs aren't your teeth and your tongue, and all those things are part of the- The digestive system is what you're looking for. That was what I was looking for. Okay, part of the system. Reflux is like when you get a little bit of that stomach acid coming up through the esophagus. That's the verb.

Time out. I have a correction. Do you have some indigestion right now? Indigestion, also called dyspepsia, or an upset stomach, is a general term that describes discomfort in your upper abdomen. Okay. So it had me in the stomach thinking we were wrong, but then it went with upper abdomen, and I'm back believing it's...

Wait, you're back in your... Where's your abdomen, Jason? Oh, that's a good question. My abdomen is from my waist to my shoulders. So, like, if you have really strong abs, what area... Don't you have more of just a domen? Yes, I have. I don't really do the abs, but my upper domen has heartburn from time to time for sure.

The thing is, it's very uncomfortable. Googling abdomen. When you're trying to sleep, like I've had heartburn problems over the years, trying to sleep with heartburn is what makes it impossible because laying down horizontal, walking around with heartburn, that's the life, man. That's all right. You are 100% correct. I am telling you I was going to bring this up because if I've got a headache

and I go to sleep, it doesn't hurt anymore. Yeah, you're asleep. My headache is solved for a period of five to eight hours however long before my children come in um but when i sleep with heartburn it's a nightmare it wakes me up uh if it's really bad you're you're just you can't sleep yeah you're getting up you're taking tums you're you got all these remedies you got the cool fancy bed remote you're like putting your bed up so you're sleeping you know know, not laying down. You ever put baking soda in water and drink it?

No. What? That's a remedy for it. Try it out sometime. No, I will not do that. Baking sodas for getting rid of bad smells in a fridge. Yeah, does baking soda do anything but that? I mean, I guess it cures heartburn, apparently.

I've never done that experiment with the like. Oh, it's the volcano, isn't it? Yeah. So if you got acid, you know, vinegar in your stomach. People also put it on toothpaste. So wait, hold on, hold on. Not vinegar in your stomach. I meant acid in your stomach. No, I know, but if there's acid, then what does it

make you turn into? A human volcano? Yeah, that sounds like the opposite of what would help. Honestly, I'm genuinely worried that I'm going to poison somebody right now. If you do that, please put like a small teaspoon into a large glass of water. Is that why you don't have heartburn anymore? Because everything comes out. It's all gone.

You're emptied. Outdigestion is what it's called, not indigestion. I think I will take, man, I still have a problem with the word heartburn. Well, that's you and you alone. I'm actually with him right now. I feel like all of these terms... What do you mean? It feels like your heart's burning.

Does it? This is not rocket science here, Al. Does it feel like your heart is burning or does it feel like your esophagus is burning? Heartburn. Thank you. No, that's acid reflux. What is the difference? Heartburn feels like your chest at your heart level is burning

acid reflux feels like your esophagus is burning ow please for the love of everything why is your heart burning jump in here i would love to but my wife actually hates me because i've never dealt with any of this and she deals with it all the time so i don't know what it feels like your heart isn't actually burning mike heartburn is a condition in which you feel burning behind your chest, and it can be a symptom of reflux. If it happens down there, it burns. It's the same thing. If it happens right there, though. So if you have reflux, it could feel like heartburn.

I can't believe we're discussing this. I can't believe you can't comprehend how if your heart area burns, we might call it heartburn. your heart area burns we might call it heartburn well i i think the issue is when when i have heartburn when i have indigestion or or acid reflux it does not hurt on the left side of my chest that's my point it hurts right in the middle right where's your heart andy look if you're just taking at my heart's a little bit to the left, but it's a general term. Not everything has to be so perfect. All right. I want the...

It's just dumb. A headache is awful. I don't know if I could get used to a headache. A headache's made worse by watching TV or using a computer. I don't know what I want. Do I have to... Why? This one sucks.

Yeah, you got to... The local wizard does not take no for an answer. He'll give you both. I'll take the headache. I'm taking the headache as well so that I can sleep. I guess I'm taking the headache. Why do they call it an ache in your head? Because your head hurts.

But that would make sense. That'd be like calling it like, oh, do you have a jaw? Do you have a jaw ache? Well, it's very near your head. I love that he's gone with just a voice that is supposed to indicate that we are the stupid ones. Right. And yet it is directly on the nail. There was so much to discuss there that you buried under this,

I can't comprehend a pain in the area of my heart burning being called heartburn. We are here for the real information. Should be a chest burn. Oh, my God. At the very least. Where's your heart? On the left side of my chest. Uh-huh.

Okay. Where are we? Jasmine from Twitter. Would you rather taste everything you touch? Oh, no. Or not be able to taste anything at all? We're talking like fingertips only here, right? Yeah.

Yep. Yeah. Yes. Yes, for sure. Not everything you're're touching that sounds like a dumb question but if something touches your skin you are technically touching it yeah i'm not tasting my underwear right this second thank you okay it's touching my skin we're talking fingertips okay now i do taste my underwear when i put my underwear on. Wait. Wait. Oh, okay. Because I have this. You're saying in this story. Yes.

I would in this situation. That's where I was. Now, listen, guys. Let me tell you how underwear tastes. I taste it every time I put it on. How else do you make sure it's clean? Yep, this one's clean. Oh, no, this one's not.

The way you started it, though. It's not the smell test. It's a taste test. It's a taste test. I do taste my underwear every time I put it on. It's how you began that sentence. But you're saying in this event, yeah. The on is not the problem.

It's definitely the off. Yeah, I mean, that's a good point. So could you get, how about this? Could you get some, like, you know, cherry flavored gloves? Oh, put some cherry chap balm in there. And then all you got to, and then you know what everything tastes like? Your gloves. No gloves.

No gloves. No gloves, but you could like constantly have, I don't know, like. I'm putting these underwear on with my knuckles. You could have strawberry sauce on your hands at all times times at least everything you taste tastes a little bit like strawberries now I've got strawberry sauce on my underwear and that's very uncomfortable which is why you eat your underwear all right so what's the alternate option here or I don't taste anything yeah and once again like every episode it comes back to weight loss for me. Because that would be great. Yeah, but do you think that you would eat vegetables?

Yes. If I couldn't taste anything, if nothing had flavor. Yeah, but the texture of a... You can find texture. The problem is just the joy of your life. That's right. Even if you couldn't taste, were you know super svelte which i mean you do have to like exercise a workout on top of oh that's not gonna happen

okay well then you're just thin yeah which is still better are and you don't enjoy eating food are you happy probably i don't think you're. Probably not because I'm not shredded in that situation. Correct. You'd rather be happy and eat your underwear. I think I would rather be happy. Taste your underwear, not eat it. Right. I mean, I knew what you were saying. I'm not going to, you know, ingest nylon and cotton.

That's how you get heartburn. I'll tell you right now. Chestburn. We have rebranded. Eating your underwear gives you chestburn uh i would i would just be very careful with my hands and i would like to keep my taste that's a enjoyable that's a nice part of life oh no man there's too many situations where yeah you can't be careful enough you just can't be careful enough think of what if you're in a

bad situation where you just have to like, you know, you're changing a tire. Yeah. Or you're doing something you do every single day. If you're a healthy person, you just got done with a nice BM. What? You don't guys don't use the old scrub brush. I'm sure I use the bidet, but at some point I'm, I'm, you know, you have to go wash.

I got to dry it down. The bidet does not take the taste away. That's what Mama always said. Gibby from Patreon, would you rather be limited to, oh, what's your final answer there? Sorry. I'm not tasting anything at all. I'm going to lose a lot of weight. Okay.

I think you're not happy with either. That's the point. And in traditional Al Borland fashion, we do have back-to-back potty questions. Gibby from Patreon. First of all, that last question was not a potty question until you got a hold of it. Oh, yeah. That's actually a really solid point. That's a super solid point.

That had nothing to do with poop. We just made it potty. Al, how'd you let us have a question that could lead us there? My bad. How dare you? Would you rather be limited to five seconds per day to brush your teeth or five seconds to wipe your butt? I could get by with five seconds to wipe.

Yeah. Five seconds? How long are you wiping? Well, I'll say this, man. If I don't have the bidet, five seconds ain't getting that done. I mean, that ain't getting that really well yeah wow are you a five seconds are you a one wipe that's cute i i've been a one wiper before i've never been a one wiper in my life i mean maybe when i was a child i don't remember but

no that's uh that's a three minimum job three minimum three but how many seconds per wipe i mean you can't get three wipes in for five seconds? I feel like once I start the process, the clock is running. Oh, is it, Al? As soon as you touch the TP, the clock is going. I got five seconds to finish. Yep. Oh, that's a tough one.

Yeah, and the thing is- Because what if you're wrong? Oh, I think I can do this. Exactly. I can always go get a pack of gum. You know what I mean? Sure, I'm going to be riddled with cavities and gingivitis, but at least that problem is mine, not others.

What's the priority with a five-second teeth brush? Oh, that's a good question. Is it just the front teeth? I think it has to be the front teeth. It has to be the front. You've got to get the grime off. You don't want to have the plaque that's just scraping off oh i don't think you're going to be able to take away you know morning breath with five seconds no

three seconds on the front teeth two on the tongue out the door it actually makes me wonder like if i had five seconds to brush my teeth how much could I cover like five full seconds will it seem a little longer yeah if I'm going to town thousand two I'm going just trying to brush like crazy I think we would accidentally brush too hard oh it's not gonna help but you I'm not gonna tooth out one of these days with just oh i hit it with the toothbrush but the thing is is doing it super fast okay brushing my teeth super fast will make it better okay if i brush my teeth casually for five seconds i will not brush as much or as well as if i really give it a rigorous five seconds on the other side i would say won't that make your wiping better? I don't think so.

I think that's going to make mistakes happen. The speed, the sort of precision? I want to be accurate when I wipe. I don't want to try to rush this thing into... Which do you do more? Oh, wipe, for sure. I mean, there's days where I might have three opportunities. What do we call them.

He calls it the three by three. Yeah. Opportunities. Opportunities to have a healthy BM. The thing is, is the five seconds per data brush, are you guaranteed yellow teeth at that point? Not guaranteed. No. If you have enough gum chewing and other...

Gum chewing does not whiten your teeth. There's not like whitening gum? Oh, isn't that like Orbitz's stick? Sugar-free gum. I don't know. Yeah, I'm brushing for five seconds. I think so, too. Yep.

I'd rather be clean down there. All right. That's a great question all right before we get into our spitballers draft of the day we have some great questions that have subpar to medium answers on the way brendan from the website at what point does a nap turn into fully Ooh, good question. What is full sleeping? Well, that's what they're asking here, Andy. That's the question we are answering, and I don't think it's length of time.

I'm going to say that right now. I don't think it's length of time. If I take a four-hour nap in the middle of the day, if I go to sleep in the day and I wake up in the day it is a nap if I take a 7 hour I can take a 7 hour nap no that's sleeping during the day well that's what you call it but I would say I'm taking a Mondo nap

a Mondo nap hold on what if you wake up I'm sure you've done this before you wake up in the morning it's 7 in the morning. Then maybe you get a drink of water from your nightstand. You decide you're going back down for another three hours. You just said that anything during the day is a nap. Is that secondary sleep right there, the finish of a night's sleep,

or the beginning of a day nap? That's my first nap. That's definitely the first nap of the day. If I wake up at 7 in the morning, then I am like, oh, I'm exhausted. I need to take a nap. So you consider that a nap, not just sleeping in? I think you consider it sleeping in, and I think

the house of cards has fallen down on you. No, it's a matter of, was it dark when I rose? Was it dark? No, it wasn't dark. It's 7.05 in Arizona. It wasn't dark. Thus, it wasn't dark. It's seven Oh five in Arizona. It wasn't dark. Thus. It's a nap.

But if I woke up at five, is that what you're five in the morning? He's saying everything has to do with the sun. That's right. That's right, Mike. Get my back here. If,

if this I'm following, you're saying if the sun is up with the eyes close and the sun is up, when you open your eyes, it was a nap. Now, what happens if you go to sleep at 4 p.m. and you wake up at 9 a.m.? Was that a nap or was that a sleep? Good point, Mike. I think that's a great question.

I think we have to call that a sleep because the lights went out. And if the lights go out outside, the outside lights go out. If the outside lights go out, someone outside lights go out that's what someone turns them off yeah um then okay hold on hold on so 4 p.m i go out midnight i wake up is that a nap or sleep that's a sleep i'm seeing some holes in my idea i see it but what's the alternative the alternative is just you you know, anything under three hours is a nap. Anything over three hours is a sleep. I just like the idea

that your wife comes downstairs, the kids go, hey, is dad still sleeping in? And your wife goes, no, he's taking a nap. He's napping. Oh, she'd have to know that I got up for a split second while the sun was up. Also, people can take three hour naps?

I can't take any hour nap. I cannot nap. What? I can't nap. You can't nap? No, I am the world's lightest sleeper on the planet. If a small fly buzzes its wings 600 yards away from me during the day, it will startle me awake to a heart rate of 160.

Right now, I am struggling to not be napping. To not nap? Like, that is my daily struggle. You fall asleep faster in an airplane than anybody I've ever seen. Well, you can replace airplane with literally any noun, and you are correct. This guy falls asleep sitting on a cactus faster than anybody I've ever met in my life. It's true, man. Like, it's an 18-hour-a-day struggle to see that sunlight.

Because right now, I'm doing my best job to not be sleeping. For the spitwax. Is that your daily goal that you've always tried to accomplish? Just don't sleep? Just be awake, my man. I mean, isn't that the goal of life is to be awake? Can you nap, Mike? I can't nap.

Sometimes I can. Yeah. I have to be really tired, but it doesn't. The longest I'll be in and out would be an hour. I am the person who needs the complete sleep deprivation chamber. I need no one to be able to make it. Have you ever done one of those? No.

Like legitimately. Where they put you underwater or whatever? Like a floating tank. It's one of those things where I saw it on Facebook once. I clicked on it once. So now, of course, 30,000 times a day, they're trying to tell me I need to go and float in one of these deprivation tanks. And I mean, they're

getting me. It sounds pretty sweet. It's heavy salt water, right? So you've never done it. I have never done it. You've seen it. So what happens, if you're not familiar with it. I am unfamiliar. So imagine a chamber where it's salt water, so you float.

And so you feel weightless in the water. They close it. You can't hear anything. I'm terrified already. No sound, no light. Exactly what they're saying. All your senses are deprived, and it's supposed to be really good for meditation. And I've heard tales from people who do it where some real serious stuff starts happening in their brain.

You know that moment where you think you're going to die in a pool of salt water locked by strangers and the lights turn off? No. Yes, I know that moment. You just described it. But staying in that moment between falling asleep and being asleep where your brain starts doing really crazy stuff. Yeah, I do know that moment. So imagine if you could get there and sustain being in that moment. That sounds great. I'm not sure I want that moment. So imagine if you could get there and sustain being in that moment. That sounds great.

I'm not sure I want that moment. That moment isn't always full of good thoughts. And it's certainly not full of good thoughts. Yeah, but would you pay for that moment for a long period of time at a place? So I'm supposed to fall asleep in a tank of water? This sounds like a bad idea. This sounds like something could possibly go wrong you ever drowned in a jelly bean oh you can't drown in salt water i mean i could drown in all

water i promise um yeah that sounds terrifying i do not want to do that what was this question at what point does the nap turn into full sleeping um uh two hours yeah i think i think honestly what about shift workers do they only nap well that was my honestly when i started going through it's a daytime versus nighttime thing all the graveyard shifts i felt bad for because they're they they don't get to sleep anymore they only get to nap it becomes does a vampire ever sleep well no they just nap it becomes more than a nap if you accidentally slept through something important oh okay okay that's the worst feeling ever i've only like i used to be able to

nap before i was a grown-up and apparently can't nap anymore and sleeping through like a show you wanted to watch or sleeping through like supposed to play with you know go to a friend's house or something i love the things that are really important as kids. When you sleep through something really important, like a show you wanted to watch, you're like, oh no, I missed the show. Because back then, you missed it. If you missed the show and you didn't spend 30 hours

setting up a VCR to tape it, which you probably did wrong anyways. Oh no, you're giving away ages here, Mike. You had to hope for a rerun, which has never happened. No. I'm going to say anything over three hours then. Three hours, because two and a half is still a nap. If it's in the twos, it's a nap.

Alright, this question, this great question comes in from Jason's Pet Tarantula. Oh, I'm out of here. What? That's from Patreon. Is it acceptable to throw away doggy do bags in your neighbor's trash can while you're out walking your dog? That's a great question.

That is a great question. This leads me to also another question, and they might be somewhat related. To me, the doggy-do is easy. This is, am I walking the dog on sunday night and the trash can is coming tomorrow i was supposed to walk to the trash to the trash can yeah yeah no you can't just you can't just use someone's trash can for that if the if the if the garbage people are not coming to pick everything up but do you guys have like have you ever experienced, your can is full. You still got, like, an extra thing. You got an extra bag of trash.

You realize you pulled your can out. It is overflowing. There's nothing else you could put in there. And then you're like, I didn't empty the kitchen garbage. And you go and you grab it. And you're looking around. And everyone else's trash can is out there for the same exact purpose as yours. I've used them.

And you're like, no, I've done it too. I've used them. And you're like. You have. Absolutely. I've done it too. I sneak over and slide it in like a cat burglar. I feel like a cat burglar. Yes. Okay. It's not just me. No, no, no.

I've done it only a handful of times when I'm feeling real dangerous. I feel like I'm about to get caught doing something really bad, even though it's. It's trash. It's trash. They don't need it you're not hurting you don't know they keep everybody's trash separate at the old uh at the dump but i have you have your own pile there i'm telling you this i have had that situation because i i'm a human being we've all had that situation i've never once done it i've never once been able to buy

a stack on top instead so here's here's how bad it is for me. I will come out and I'm about to get my car to go somewhere and I go, oh no, it's trash day. Everybody's cans are out. I got to bring my cans out. Wait, has the trash come? And I look down the street to see if there's lids open. No lids are open. Does

that mean the trash has come or not? So I have to go look. So this is like the extent. So or not? So I have to go look. You won't even look, you loo. So this is the extent. So I will go, and I feel like I'm doing something bad. Just a peek. I just want to look. It's a little weirder to look into somebody's trash than it is to throw trash into it. Yeah, I'm just walking.

Casual walk. Nothing to see here. Just like open their lid and then run away like there was a snake popping out. But I don't think I could. Here's the reality. Like if someone did that to my trash can, they throw their dog's poop in it. It's out on the street. Okay.

They're not coming into my backyard. It's in a bag. It's in a bag. It's not like loose poop. Right. Someone in your backyard. So I just needed a garbage can. If it's on the street and someone threw their dog's fecal matter in my garbage can, I would not care in the slightest.

I agree. I wouldn't care at all. But I don't think that's true for everyone. No. I think some people would really care. So, therefore, you can't do it. I get jealous when I see somebody else has a half-empty trash can, and I'm like, I'm loaded up.

I want to lease half your trash can per week from you to throw my extra trash. So I noticed something about you. I noticed you got a half-empty can over there. Let me ask you guys. I hope we work this out. I don't know what to say. Let me ask you guys this. I put my trash over there.

You can throw your dog's poop over here if you need to. Put my trash in your can. Yeah. I know that the Moors are, we create a lot of trash. But I think, you know, we're a family of five. And you two are both families of five. When was the last time that you brought out a garbage can or recycled where the lid was shut? To the street where the lid was fully closed.

Okay. Because it's been about 17 years for me. It's not often. I do have two recycle bins because I pay for an extra one. See, that's not fair. That doesn't count. So the garbage. I will say this.

Never. So he may pay for one i had no idea what was what i was about to experience okay one day there's a brand new unused trash receptacle in front of my house and now i've i've lived at this house for seven years and and i already have my two cans i got the can i got the recycled thing this is just a third one and it's a one just showed up and i left i left it in front of my house like for a couple days because it's like whose is this this is just clearly not mine i did not call the city right apparently they just like brought everyone new cans so i now have two trash cans and one recycle, and I am living my best life, gentlemen. So what? Check your bill.

Well, you were saying, don't put that evil on me. I need to believe that I got a free one. So while you're living lids up. Yeah. Oh, I've had a few lids down in my recent memory. Am I allowed to just go and pay for another garbage? What? All you do is you do it online.

You just tell them I want another recycle can. What? It takes two seconds. Something you could have told me 17 years ago. I'm pretty sure I did, trash man. Oh, my gosh. I'm getting seven of these things. My whole backyard is going to be full of dumpsters.

Heck, yeah, man. How much are these? Is this expensive? It's like a couple of dumpsters. Heck yeah, man. How much are these? Is this expensive? It's like a couple bucks a month. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to go broke getting trash cans. It's a new business. You rent the trash cans.

That's right. Bring them house to house. I mean, based on what you guys were saying, my neighbors are going to be eyeballing my sweet real estate. Oh, my gosh. All right. sweet real estate oh my gosh all right vivian vivian from the website wants to know is the c or the s silent in the word scent so s c e n t the scent as in to smell yeah which one is the silent letter that's easy is it it's gotta be the c it sounds like it's the c there's gotta be a word where like is this like a like herbivore the first letter is silent shoot i just it's mike it's

herbivore i was thinking some people say it like so i was thinking it had to be the c because if it's sent and the c is there well well, then that's like a penny. But then I remembered that sent with an S is like I sent the garbage away. Hence the great question. So how do you determine that? I think it's a... That's why we're here to do... Is there another word? Hold on.

Wait. Say that you sent an email, Andy. I sent an email. Say you have 22 cents. I have 22 cents. Now say, what's your favorite Al Pacino movie? Scent of a Woman. Oh, no.

This is hard. Now there's the word sense as well. S-E-N-S-E. That has no C. That's like sense, but C-E-N-T-S is also sense. Why doesn't that one have a C? That means it's got to be the S that's silent. Or no, the C.

No, the C. The C would be silent because since. Scent? This makes no sense. I think it's got to be the C. It's got to be. Is there any chance it's the T? Since.

I think it's the C. I believe that they added the C solely because they're like, man, we have too many cents here. How are we going to know what you're saying? Hold on. If you were to film a scene. Oh, no. And you take the C out of it.

No. It's now a sine. Well, or it's. Right? Because the C is necessary for the scene. The C is augmenting the E. Right. But in this case, it's... Ooh, okay. Right? Because the C is necessary for the scene. The C is augmenting the E. Right. But in this case, it's not.

So it's the S. So we're back to the S. The S is silent. Because a C-E-N-E, that would still pronounce scene. Yeah. So the S is silent. But like a penny cent is a short E. The C is in that word and it's not augmenting the E.

Correct. Oh, man. The English language is dumb. Are they both silent? I think they both might be silent. Are they both not silent? Actually, what if that is the truth? Maybe Al is...

It doesn't make sense for them to both be silent, but if they were both not silent and you're pronouncing- Then it'd be skint. No, because think about the pennies. Sint. You're saying both of them. Sint.

Yeah, but the S has to augment the C if they're used together, like scallop. No, but if there's S-C-E, it means long E, like movie scene. No, because this is scent. Oh, no. Oh, man. This is a good question. I thought I had it figured out. You did. And the first test was the word.

And you're like, no. The word itself destroyed my argument. What is the word again? Scent. Oh, scent. Scent. Oh, man. Oh, scent of a woman.

Yes. Hoo-ah. Hoo-ah. I think that's the answer to the question. It's the C. All right. Yeah. I'm with that. And here's the actual reason. There is a right answer. It is the C is silent. And the reason is because the S makes that sound more often that's that's what i have determined as the official that is a great question let's draft the spitballers draft oh man that was a conundrum. Yeah. A skint of a woman. All right.

We are drafting the worst, the worst Halloween candy. There's a lot of bad ones. We've all been through the Halloween game for the majority of our lives. We've been down these roads. We know what's good, what's bad. We are the authority. On everything. On everything. So I have the first pick. And we are drafting the

worst Halloween candy. There are plenty of absolute atrocities that unsuspecting people I thought were nice, neighbors I thought were considerate, kind neighbors instead chose to cheap out and give me these nasty candies.

But I'm going to go with my heart and the truth. The truth is the worst Halloween candy is the one that everyone has to accept. And you know what I say? You don't have to accept it. There are two types of people, people that hate it and people that pretend to like it so other people think they're cool. And that is candy corn. Yeah, and there's a third person, the one that loves them.

Candy corn is maximum waxamus. It's trash. It's terrible. It's awful. There was a point in time I thought maybe the white tip of the candy corn was more delicious if you just eat the white tip. I would eat the white tips off the candy corn was more delicious if you just eat the white tip. I would eat the white tips off the candy corn. Are you telling me that candy corn, there are different flavors? Nope.

Oh, no, it's one flavor. It's three colors, but the white is absolutely the best part. What is great? And just think about the name of this candy. We decided we're so novel with this delicious tree. It's candy corn, corn corn candy corn go eat your candy broccoli candy corn so and it and it rules the day it rules halloween it does rule halloween because it's extremely cheap to manufacture oh i would say that's got to have

a good profit margin good point it rules halloween rules Halloween, I believe, in theory. And when you're looking at things, when they're putting up pictures, iconic pictures of Halloween, it's always candy corn. But it's not as often in the trick-or-treat bags as the pick I am going to go with. By the way, 35 million pounds of candy corn is sold annually. 15,000 metric tons of slop yeah go ahead mike but like i don't feel like there's actually a ton of candy corn in when when my kids dump out the pillow sheets the pumpkins whatever it's not always a ton of candy corn now i i what i don't

know if people agree that this is the worst or the second worst. I'm with you, Andy, though. Candy corn sucks. It freaking sucks. That's a good Google review for that. But this poison, I mean, this thing would fill, not only does it fill my kid's bag still, it filled my pumpkin as a young lad running from house to house. pumpkin as a young lad running from house to house, people putting freaking nasty Tootsie Rolls all up in my business. You don't like the Tootsie Rolls.

Not only do I loathe Tootsie Rolls, they taste bad. They try and rip your teeth out. And when you dump out your Halloween bounty, you find that 65% of your candy is Tootsie Rolls. So Tootsie Rolls is the number one pick. And it's not the number one pick because... It's a good chew, bro. No, no, no. Here's the truth.

It is a good chew. It's a good chew. It is a good chew. I don't mind Tootsie Rolls. Tootsie Rolls are not in and of themselves a bad thing. If you had a little bowl of some Tootsie Rolls out... I would never, ever grab from it. And it's February, I'll go grab one and I'll eat one.

But the problem was what Mike hit on right off the bat. It is the packing peanuts of Halloween candy. It just fills your bag. Every combo bag you get is like, well, how can we put more of them stupid Sootsie Rolls in it? Oh, let's change the color. Let's put some pink ones and some blue ones in there. I was going to ask you, do you like the Fruitsy Rolls? The Fruitsy Rolls are delicious.

There are certain flavors of the flavored Tootsie Rolls I can get down with. Yeah. But the plain chocolate or whatever it's supposed to be. Yeah, the logs, the little logs. Yeah. The little poop logs. Now, wait. Just to be clear, this is a broad-sweeping Tootsie Roll like the fat ones and the skinnies?

Oh, yeah. The fat ones are different. No, they all taste bad. Because they're fatter. And nothing ruins a lollipop faster than you cram a little Tootsie Pop turd inside of it. Three licks. A little Tootsie Pop turd inside of it. Hold on.

I am curious. I would like to do an Al Borland poll at the end of these picks because I want to know what candies he likes. Are you on board with candy corn? I am. I had some this weekend. That's stupid. Fantastic.

You had some this weekend. Yes, listen. I did. Listen, candy corn is actually good. Are you on board with Tootsie Rolls? I am. There's not a lot of candies I'm not on board with, but you can keep asking me. If you could eat 50 of one of them, which would you have 50 of?

Tootsie Rolls. All right. Wow. Well, Fruitsie Rolls. Fruitsie Rolls are legit. All right. Go on, Jason. Fruitsie Rolls are okay.

Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Those are fine. But if that was all that I'm getting at every house, then they're the worst. Honestly, I did not think they were made by the same company. They are? Oh. I thought you were inferring that they just made different flavors.

I assume they're so much better that they were another company. I assume they're the same company because I'm pretty sure there's like two companies if you go all the way to the top that make all candies and all food we eat. Like Mars and Hershey and that's it? I thought you were making up the name. No, they're called Tootsie Assorted. Okay. They're still called Tootsie.

All right. Maybe you're getting secondary. You're getting knockoff brand Fruitsy Rolls over there. All right. So the first two picks to me, Candy Corn wouldn't be in that. But it is the least, the most least popular candy. I guess the least popular is all I got to say. Skin to the woman.

Skin to the woman. But the two that are the worst are, in fact, Tootsie Rolls. And for the same reason, Double Bubble. Oh. Because these are, look, I like gum. But I like gum that lasts more than 1.4 seconds of flavor. First of all, you open these things up. They're covered in some kind of powder that

has got to be a problem. Then you try to chew them and after a while you get it soft and it's like, this isn't too bad. Oh, it's over. It's over. I've got to spit this out and half of my bag is the double bubble gum. I respect that pick although as a kid

having gum in and of itself was cool. My kids love gum. Yeah, see? Your kids love gum and it's just like, because it's gum. So as a kid, having gum in and of itself was cool. My kids love gum. Yeah, see? Your kids love gum, and it's just like because it's gum. So as a kid, having a repository of gum after Halloween was cool. When my kids have gum, they chew it like they're now the coolest person in the world. They're like, you see this? Look, I'm going to show you.

They don't care if it tastes good anymore. No, they don't. But double bubble blows respectable bubbles. That's why I'm okay with it. Well, and just imagine it's because the original bubble didn't blow that many. Yeah, single bubble did not work out. Single bubble was a disaster. A bit of a flop.

The second one here. Double it. Double the bubble. Double the bubble. Double the bubble, double the sales. If I have. All right, Marv. If I have a Tootsie Roll, I'm happy with that one off. I don't want it filling my bag.

If I have candy corn, I'm happy with that one off. If I have a double bubble and you're a kid, okay, there's some gum. The one that's actually disgusting. The candy that is like when you get it, you just throw it away. Come on, don't. I mean, it's good and plenty. Oh, those suck too. Those suck.

Those are the worst. Those pink and white. Are they like black licorice? Dumb and stupid, more like. Yeah. Not good and plenty. Got them. I don't think I ever didn't throw those immediately in the trash.

Who has ever eaten that and swallowed it? They're like every now and then. Who likes't think I ever didn't throw those immediately in the trash. Who has ever eaten that and swallowed it? Every now and then, years go on. I haven't had one of these in a while. Let me do it. You spit it out immediately. Is that what it is? Yes, candy-coated black licorice.

Candy-coated black licorice. That's why it's so bad. It's what they did for candy before they invented candy. It's someone going, this plant tastes a little bit sweetie. Gross. Let me just tell you this. If black licorice gets to me, I'll probably take that too. I'm guessing that Al likes black licorice. No, it's trash.

Okay. Good man. Good and plenty, I would symbolically open the container and dump them out just to- Into the toilet. Into the toilet. This is where you belong, flush. That's a good pick. It was on my list.

Mike? All right, well, perfect. Those are excellent picks from my comrade here. Don't take mine, Mike. The pick I thought you were going to go with because you started talking about volume. And Andy's... I have no idea if I'm taking your pick here or not, Andy.

But aside from... While Tootsie while tootsie rolls are 65 percent of the bag another 30 percent of the bag are freaking Smarties. These these things are you're not in on the smart. No they are garbage. These chalky net just I don't know there's some qualities that are good. So I'm with you here. It's on my list. There are too many of them. Yeah, it's like Tootsie Rolls. You've got the same pick because Tootsie Rolls aren't bad by themselves.

They're not gross. Smarties aren't bad by themselves. But ain't nobody needs 72 Smarties and Tootsie Rolls at one go around. The reason I like Smarties is because as a kid, when you're like, hey, can I have a piece of candy? You get a Smarties. You know what you're getting? You're getting the Pez dispenser. You're getting a bunch of candy inside of you.

Yeah, I mean, I guess. They have the little bag, and as soon as you open that, you're, well, I'm eating all of these, but I don't want to eat any of them. Like, Smarties, I disagree that Tootsie Rolls and Smarties on their own are, they stand terrible on their own merits. Okay. Okay.

I'm off. I am thrilled because my actual other number one pick is still here. Ooh. My other number one consideration. It's the worst, and I'm putting candy in quotes, candy that I think's ever been invented. You talk about filling up the volume of your bag. You might not get a lot of them, but they're big enough and stupid enough. Oh, they're fluffy and they're delicious. I know what he's going with.

To take up tons of space. It's the freaking orange circus peanuts. I knew you were going there. Now, I don't remember the last time I found circus peanuts in my Halloween bag. They probably got banned. That's a Geneva Convention violation. We've had this discussion before. Circus peanuts are, in fact, fantastic.

I will eat circus peanuts. Yeah, i will eat circus now don't get me wrong if you leave a circus peanut out for a little while or even if it's more than 30 seconds really yeah i mean they they get stale and a stale circus peanut is no bueno how many have you eaten in your life do you think give me just a ballpark real quick how many do you think you've had 200 200 mike yeah oh couple hundred couple hundred they're still in your system there is no chance those 200 have left either of your system because that is not edible that's compelling okay pick number three that's compelling pick number three i'm gonna go with what i think is the true nat like a smarty I open it up I eat it I'm happy

it's sweet it's nice they're are there different flavors of smarties I believe they are I don't think so no I don't know they're all the different colors yep why not I'm not my heart I'm gonna go with the the necco wafers yeah it's on my list the necco wafers. Yeah, it's on my list. The Necco wafers are those salt. They're chalk. They're giant Smarties. Do you want to have... It's the same problem. Oh, no.

These are pure chalk. You can draw with them on the cement just fine. They're nasty. They're chalky. They have almost no flavor. They do have different flavors. I think one of the flavors is like clove. Yes.

That's not even a joke. You're not... It is. I believe in your normal Necco wafer. And they have a black licorice-flavored Necco wafer. Because Necco was invented before anyone settled anything outside of Europe. What do you have, that little Valentine's Day hearts? Oh, the hearts.

Yeah, those suck too. The material is made of the, they're like, let's flatten them out and put them into Halloween bags. Those hearts are horrific. How did we like those as children? We. I mean, we did. I liked everything sweet.

I did not. I was out. I just liked reading them. It's like a fortune cookie. Be mine. Yeah. Crunch, crunch, crunch. This one has a meaning.

Oh, that was my tooth. All right. So I'm going with the Necco Wafers. All right. All right. Mike, it's back to you. All right. I have...

Your two picks are filling half our bag right now. Yes. The Tootsie Rolls and the Smarties. Man, I'm struggling over here because it's like I have my pick, and it's sort of a Halloween candy. So I don't know, whatever. I'll bypass that one for now. But this one definitely shows up.

And the number one reason why it's terrible is because there is another version of this candy that is superior in every single way. It doesn't have the flashy brand name as its competitor, but the competitor is the one that get individually wrapped. They get thrown in your pillowcase, and I am talking about plastic Twizzlers. I knew you were going there.

What an idiot. They're so good. Twizzlers are so incredibly bad. I am so proud of you. I am so proud of you. Like I said, Red Vines are crazy delicious. Yes, because they're licorice, Mike. Twizzlers are fake.

Why for Halloween do we not have red vines to give the good little girls and good little boys? Because wax doesn't get as stale as quick. And the real licorice, like red vines, those will be stale by the time you open them up. Every time I eat a Twizzler, I feel like I'm eating science. Yeah, you are. Congratulations. You hate science yeah oh yeah congratulations yeah that's you hate science you know who makes them you know who makes them science you know who makes them lysol lysol makes twizzlers wait i can't tell if it's a joke or yeah it's a joke but it tastes like lysol so here's the thing i know that the world is actually pine salt that makes it you know it's it's one of those things where there are

certain you're either a this person or that person where there are certain, you're either a this person or a that person. This is one of those. You're either a Red Vines person or you're a Twizzler person, and I am here to tell you, you can be both. They are both good. Says the candy corn man. All candy is good so long as it has no black

licorice involved. Twizzlers are bad. Alright, so that puts it to me. Take us home. I'm taking my teeth out with both of these picks. All righty. I'm taking two picks where when you eat them, you will lose your baby teeth, and you might just lose your grown-up teeth. First off is Bit O' Honey. Yeah, it's on my list.

Bit O' Honey is just the oldest candy in the land. Not only is- You want a bit of honey? It going to tear your- We don't got any candy only is it going to tear your teeth out, but in the process, it's going to taste like crap. I mean, it's like Laffy Taffy could take my tooth, but at least it's delicious. Yes, yes. But, I mean, Bitter Honey has no redeeming quality. Literally, it's hard to open the wrapper at first because it's all stuck to the Bitter Honey.

Then it's taking your teeth and you're like, all of this for a terrible flavor. Now, the next one I'm taking, I hate, and I know a lot of people love them. I mean, these are actually popular candies. My wife loves them. I don't know why.

They're just the worst. Milk duds. Milk duds are awful. I'm a pretty big milk duds fan. I'm a pretty. Milk duds. Milk duds are awful. I'm a pretty big milk duds fan. I'm a pretty big milk duds fan. Say goodbye to your teeth. But you're playing with fire because the odds of getting them when they were made in the first year of when they were made is very low. Because they don't make them anymore.

Whoppers are good. They made them one time back in the 40s and they've been selling them ever since. Whoppers are good. Milk duds are bad. Why relate them? Because they're small, circular, chocolatey-covered things that I can't separate in my mind. Okay. Whoppers are malt balls.

Those are malt. That's correct. They're completely different candies. Based on bit of honey and milk duds, you don't like caramel? I love a good caramel. Are you kidding me? Like a sea salt caramel? Oh! I want don't like caramel. I love a good caramel. Are you kidding me? Like a sea salt caramel? Oh, I want quality with my caramel.

Okay, you're not going to. I mean, Milk Duds are dangerous. From the Twizzler man over here. I said with my caramel. I have caramel standards, not candy standards. I totally get that the Twizzlers are waxy science products. Is it caramel or caramel? It's both.

Yeah, it's just a matter of. It's also caramel. Yes. Literally, the difference in those words, a lot of people think it's geography. It's based on what you're wearing at that moment. If you've got a tuxedo on, it's a caramel. Oh, yes. Okay.

I didn't know that. Thank you. Caramel. Mike? All right. I'm taking the candy. Because it shows up. Oh, I've got a correction.

Oh. Bit of honey since I've never really eaten one in 40 years. It's not caramel. It's honey. It's honey-flavored taffy. It's, oh, taffy. It's really, all right. I've definitely gotten this in the Halloween bag.

The kids have gotten it in the Halloween bag. And it needs to be shamed because look, raisins suck. Oh gosh. I know where you're going. Raisins should not be eaten. It's a grape that someone left out in the sun and they're like, no, no, no, it's still good. I promise.

Just eat it. No, it's true. Don't make me. It's rotting. That is what the grape is doing. It is rotting so that it will return to the earth, and they want to cover it in chocolate and say that it's a tasty treat. Raisinets are just disgusting and need to never, ever enter my space ever again.

Al, how do you feel about that? Raisins are so good, and you cover them in chocolate, and they're so much better. Raisins are good? Are raisinets in your top five candies? They are up there, but I like the yogurt. I was going to say that. The yogurt covered is better than the chocolate, but a good yogurt covered Raisin is delicious.

Mike, I got Raisinets right there on my list. Thank you, because it's absurd. Raisins? Oh. Alright, I've got to make a final pick. It's down to two choices here. I'm just going to go with one that I think is absolutely stupid. Whenever I looked through my candy bag and found one of these,

I was like, I don't want to eat this. I have all these other candies I can eat. I gave them all away. I did lots of trades with them, and it's fireballs. Okay. I think fireballs suck. I don't have a problem with that at all. Cinnamon-y candy is just lame, and then now you've got to suck on it forever.

It's super choky. Oh, yeah. Kids have probably died from fireballs. What I don't get about, I mean, I understand being a kid, and we've got to show your toughness, but you're like, hey, this candy I'm about to eat is so hot. I mean, adults do it now, too, with our I can eat the spiciest food. I honestly thought that's the kind of person you were, Mike.

I thought you were the warhead man. Oh, well, sour is different. Is he the warhead man? 100% this just was sour. How dare you compare the sour and the hot people? We are two very, come from a different cloth. How dare you? 100 sour and the hot people? We are two very cut from a different cloth. How dare you? It is 100% the same thing.

But sour doesn't make them uncomfortable and hot does. I feel like you could have a West Side Story where you've got the sours and the spices and they're just going to war on each other. We're the warheads. This has been a spectacular draft. Mike's team is Tootsie Rolls, Smarties, Twizzlers, and Raisinets. You really brought it home with Twizzlers and Raisinets. Twizzlers, I've always thought, are they conditioning small kids to like them

and that's how they grow up to be adults that like them? I literally picked them out of my kid's candy to eat them. Twizzlers are phenomenal. Double bubble, good and plenty, bit of honey and milk duds for Jason. I got candy corn, circus peanuts, Necco wafers, and fireballs. Get that out of the way. The only one where it was on my list of it probably should be drafted, I don't even know what to call it, is just those pumpkins.

Oh, yeah. Oh, the candy corn pumpkins. Because they're candy corn. Yeah, those are worse than candy corn. They are so. There's no white part on them to nibble off and make it better. It's the same thing. Listen to me.

I like candy corn. Those pumpkins are horrible. Don't say you feel like a pumpkin, though. Listen, I know the reason why. The reason why the white tastes better is because this candy corn texture flavor combination is good in teensy-teensy bites. It actually is good. I eat every single candy corn I eat, I eat in three bites. I'm separating the colors.

It's a measurement system, and I love it. Wait, it's one bite per color? It's one bite per color, and it's fantastic. If you think you hate candy corn, eat it my way, and you'll love it. But you can't do that with the pumpkin. You pop that whole sucker in your mouth and it's like, what is this? You sound like we, I just had this argument with my son. My son loves meatballs, loves them. Spaghetti meatballs, a meatball sandwich refuses to eat a hamburger. That's weird. And I'm like, dude, take the meatball. That's a hamburger.

Or you take the hamburger and you roll it up. Have you tried that? Have you tried smashing the meatball down and just having it eat it that way? I'm going to have to do it right in front of him. Now it's a slider. Yeah. I hate it, Dad. My point is, he tells me that something, just because of the shape of it, is different.

And that's you with candy corn and the pumpkins. I kid you not, when I was a kid, I would eat the white parts off the candy corns and leave the runts. Yeah, sure. Leave the rest. Those whites are the best. All right. You're just like a grenade.

You're like... Is there any terrible ones we've forgotten over there, producers? Anything you can think of? Besides dots, no. Ooh, dots suck. Good dots are great, but dots go bad so quickly. It's the Milk Dud philosophy. They go bad quick.

There's a very small window. Razor blades. Yeah, not good. What did we learn today? I learned that heartburn's a lie. I learned that it's chest burn, and I will not stand by with this heartburn. This is not on the left side of my chest. I learned that there is a silent letter in the word scent and I don't know what it is.

And I learned I am not suffering alone when I stare longingly at my neighbor's half-nippy trash can. Oh, yes. And I need to use it. Jason's going to have 15 trash cans by the end of the day. All are welcome. $5 a visit. Oh, my gosh. Jason, the local dumpster master.

Take care, everybody. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.