Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Trickle Down Soaponomics & Things To Replace Your Hands - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 3, 2022

Spit Hit for February 3rd, 2022: On today’s show, we are taking you back to school and solving a marital dispute all in one short lecture on trickle down soaponomics. We also discuss eating cereal with water, being the first (or last) person in space, and having a puffer fish-like defensive mechanism. Also, Jason gives us another 60 second explanation about a random topic. We wrap up with an absolutely ridiculous draft of ‘Things to Replace Your Hands’. Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit wads, we have a great episode of the show today. We're taking you back to school. Yeah, that's right, Jason. 101. 101. To school. And you know how political and advanced we are in our thought processes, so we talk about some trickle-down soaponomics.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you've got to make sure that the soap gets to the bottom from the top. And Jason is one of the wisest people that I know on this show, and he gives us another 60-second explanation about a random topic, and we wrap it up with a very funny draft. So do not miss today's spit hit. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations,

and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Han Solo, a Shaq-Rito, McClunky. What was the middle part? What was after Han Solo and before McClunky. Shot Greedo, man. That's from my Star Wars nerds. Oh, well, I mean, I'm going to be honest with the spitwads out there.

We're recording remotely in this tumultuous time in our country and world. So when we hear the music, it's a little bit like Jason and I get the scat a little bit on delay. Now, you out there, through the magic of Al Borland, you get it all on time. But it sounded like crap, Todd. It sounded like crap. You were way off on your timing there. Yeah. All right. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast.

Jason Moore, Mike Wright, Andy Holloway back with you. Episode 93 of the show. Oh, wow. We're getting close to a hundo? We got to do something special for that owl. We're within at least. We're getting close. I mean, I don't know what we're going to do. It's almost like a best of or highlights video should probably appear so what were the odds that we'd get to 100 when we started oh uh one in 10 point point three okay so we've accomplished something is what you're saying now in fairness i'm i'm still not i don't know what the odds are that we get to 100 that's seven yes that's That's seven. Yes, that's the odds right now. Seven weeks away.

50-50. You can follow what's going on with the show on Twitter at SpitballersPod, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod, and SpitballersPod.com is the website where you can find out how to support the show, get a few special perks. We always need ideas for drafts and would you rather questions and we turn to the spit wads first for those sweet sweet ideas oh so sweet we've got would you rather on the show today gonna do some jason explains gonna have al borland spin the wheel al how are you doing living my best life how you doing andy i'm doing spectacularly someone's good in the quarantine someone is not uh we've got a great draft uh really we have the most ridiculous

important draft this is the weirdest draft i came in as soon as we got connected i'm like what in the world are we you hadn't seen it you hadn't seen it? You hadn't seen it before that? I had seen it, but I still didn't know what I could possibly draft. So this should be a lot of fun. There are times, I mean, I'm walking around the house and it just popped into my head, this draft idea. And, you know, pure, utter genius is what Jason's trying to say. It's true. But let's go ahead and kick this thing off.

Jason's trying to say. It's true. But let's go ahead and kick this thing off. Would you rather? Dave from the website asks this very important question. He says, would you rather have the ability to camouflage like a chameleon or have the ability to expand like a blowfish for defensive purposes. So you can just blowfish out, which for some reason, the first thing I think about in my head of why or when I could ever need a capability like that

would be if I end up in a bad neighborhood or down an alleyway and some ruffians come up to me and they really give me the business and then poof. And then poof, you're naked. That's what I think about with this. Oh, that's true. Wait, hold on. Because your clothes get popped off? Can we at least have like Incredible Hulk rules?

Oh, for the clothing? Like you've got shorts on that stretch infinitely. It doesn't matter what you're wearing. Somehow you just end up in purple shorts. That's fair because I was going to say the only useful application here is getting into the shower. Like I need to get in quick. Boom, I'm ready. Otherwise, all your clothes rip off and whoops.

Yes, you're safe in that neighborhood because everyone is running away. Would that have some benefit to like, I i mean we're all stuck at home naked man well you got spikes though don't you i mean you're a puffer fish or do you just expand i mean a puffer fish has spikes so when it expands it looks terrible so we would just we don't naturally have them that doesn't't feel like defense. That just feels like going. I think you have to have spikes in this situation. Otherwise, you're just doing what I'm doing slower, which is just expanding through this quarantine time. Gaining the COVID-19, as they say.

Yeah, COVID-99. Oh, no. Well, to bring it back i mean camouflage so would benefit you in defense as well but to the camouflage in the alleyway with the ruffians do any of us really know the actual like factual camouflage capabilities of of the chameleon. We're all used to cartoons where a chameleon can go onto anything. They go onto a brick wall and

oh, I'm a brick wall now. What are the limitations of the chameleons as opposed to invisibility? Yeah, you're not going to be invisible. A cartoon leads us to believe that they can basically go invisible against any pattern.

But what can they actually do? And we have another close problem here. Because if you're not pre-naked, there's just shorts and shirt up against that wall. It's like, dude, I can see you. You're not fooling anybody. I'm not here. That's when the gang rolls up and says, punch those shorts over there.

Kick him in the shorts. I can still take his wallet out of his shorts. I mean, I don't think the camouflage is going to be as good as you think. You know what I mean? But it could still be better than being a blowfish. Not if I got the spikes. The spikes matter. The spikes matter it mattered the spikes without spikes i feel like if you could just rapidly expand well number one the problem is the puffer fish actually like inhales water so i guess we're just accepting that we go air yes

that will okay so if you can actually do that like i think the applications aside from the clothing malfunction problems like there are so many places in life where this is going to be handy which one is a better parlor trick though with like let's just take out the puffer fish the puffer think so if you could instantly become a gigantic puffer fish, that's a pretty good trick. You don't think it's a good trick? But only one of these can get... Oh, no. Like, making your face and your arms go away, that's a pretty decent trick.

But if you can expand your entire body, I mean, multiple times and just go... I think that would be an excellent trick. Only one of these lets me get all of the restocked grocery items first, because I could hang out overnight while they're stocking up right now as the chameleon. That's true. And then bingo, bingo, bongo, I've got some toilet paper. And the other one, you have to buy a lot of spandex. Yeah.

So I choose neither. Why does Jason only wear spandex? Well, the reason... Now, this has nothing to do with this question, right? You're just saying... I'm just saying in general, yeah. I have switched to spandex, and this is for my rapidly expanding body

to make sure that I'm... You wear X spandex. Yes, X spandex. Very nice. That's something I needed. Boom, X spandex. Yeah, I'm going to have to look into that. That's got to exist, right?

Those clothes will fit no matter what. There are bed sheet possibilities for wardrobe that can be used at some point. I'm going to take the puffer fish here. I get the spikes. I like puffer fish.

I think that would be cool. I think I could use it not only in defensive but in offensive maneuvering if i run at someone and they're not afraid they don't know a giant ball of spikes is about to come yeah jason imagine you playing basketball and you have puffer fish ability yeah back you're always on the post put it on the post that's right all right we're all going puffer fish. Al, would you go puffer fish? I would. Yeah.

Okay. Good. Good. Ed from Patreon, would you rather eat cereal without milk for the rest of your life or eat pancakes and waffles without syrup? Oh. That's a terrible question, Ed. That's mean.

I mean. Those both really, really, really suck. that's mean i mean those both really really really suck do you guys have any other way that you eat a pancake or waffle yeah i could eat it with just butter you guys know that already yeah that's that's true and when it was when andy says just butter i don't mean just butter imagine you went to to the grocery store you bought a block of butter that's one of his pancakes yeah that one he just wraps it up like a moon waffle if you were to take what you usually do with syrup and then you do that with butter just you know some some not all the way melted not not completely liquefied but but just pretty much like a magma textured butter.

He just pours that over his... Let me check on that for you. Yes, that is correct. Yes. Now, okay, can we bring the powdered sugar? Because French toast is very often a powdered sugar utensil. It of that it's it's a way i could put powdered sugar in my mouth basically i'm saying i see what you're saying the actual french toast is is a tool it's a vehicle for me to eat powdered sugar now are you are you guys french toast

powdered sugar are you french toast syrup powdered sugar is outstanding although funny story my wife just made a bunch of key lime cookies covered in powdered sugar and every single time she tries to eat one she coughs because she inhales the breath right she doesn't time the breath right it's one of her greatest weaknesses take the bite that's right yeah that's right i mean there's risks with powdered sugar that's true now mike you ask this like there are two camps of people those who use powdered sugar or those that use syrup but i use powdered sugar and then i put syrup on okay well i only ask because my wife does not do the powdered sugar in the slightest so i have to assume that she's not the only one i know that she's sort of like a mutant

for not using you like her and whatnot look it was it was one of those things i had to overcome before the found out after marriage this was after yeah yeah i mean no man's not eligible for powdered sugar i ran out of time i couldn't call it off i can eat french toast without powdered sugar but why would i though i mean right out of powdered sugar that's why it's like we don't have any cereal without milk is awful and i love cereal so that's i would rather eat the pancakes and waffles with some powdered sugar or an ungodly amount of butter i don't eat pancakes that often i just really don't but like waffles

we have those in our house you know at pretty much at all times, some Eggos. And the best way to eat a waffle, and we do this in our house, is not syrup. Hold on. It's on brand, man. It's the churrofication of the waffle. Cinnamon sugar? You put butter and cinnamon and sugar on that thing. Really?

Because a waffle can be crisp. It's not soggy like a pancake. That is correct. The computer is very active today. Give me my milk with my cereal, and I will churro waffle all day, every day. Yeah, I feel like there's ways to eat the pancakes and waffles. And the cereal without milk is just like it's a snack for toddlers. There are people out there, if we can call them people, that when they are out of milk, they will use water.

Wait, no. That's a thing. No. That's a thing. No. And if you're listening right now and you're like, yeah, no. Why didn't anybody bring this up? Hold on.

You're the problem. You are the problem. Let me check on that one. Let me check on that. Yes, that's what you deserve hold on jason you you know someone i remember growing up i remember has done the water on cereal maybe this is like so old from times when you know is that skim milk you're talking about skim milk yeah no because that's water well i mean if you think that's water then you should be fine doing it but i remember times where it's like i think even my own mother was like we're oh we're out of milk it's like just

use water and i was a kid and i'm like no no i'm not doing that call uh child protective services geneva convention stuff i mean, that's terrible. I would never do that. But is it really that crazy? Yes. It sounds insane to me. No, get out of here. Look, I'll settle for an emergency.

I've had the emergency almond milk cereal situation, and it's not a good situation. But water is abhorrent, and i will not stand for it this okay uh i mean somewhat similar yet a little bit out of bounds here i have had to do the mac and cheese without water i've had i've had to do that with water because the the noodles were boiling. I went to go get the milk, and uh-oh, the milk is gone. I literally have no choice.

So I had to go with the water. Not as good, but it still got the job done. So maybe my visceral reaction here is an overreaction. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering. It sounds like a monstrous thing, but the difference is not that. It's just a little flavor. Of the three of us, there is only one that can really actually do it

and probably film themselves doing it for the entertainment of others. And it's Jason. And it's Jason. You have a responsibility in these times of need for the people that's right to record yourself eating water in cereal spitwads especially because you know people that do that so you're the most in tuned with yeah i've never heard of genre all right spitwads i will do it i will do it i will film. I will do it. I will do it. I will film it. I will put it up.

Thank you. Oh, my gosh. What a terrible world. I will become the monster to save us. Now, if I had to guess, water would make it soggier so much faster than milk. It seems that way for sure. I mean, maybe you need really cold water. I don't know.

I'm not the one going to do this. To catch a serial killer, you have to think like a serial killer. Also, Mike, may I just take this moment to say I hate you? Because that was a terrible idea. But I totally realize I'm on the hook for that now. So I'm the food guy. It's me, Jason Moore. That's right.

I will put that up. All right. We all made the right choice there once again shiloh from twitter would you rather be a for uh be the first person launched into space or the last jeremy do you want to go ahead and uh clarify this one for us al yeah so you're either the first person meaning the uncertainty of like is this going to succeed or you're the last person on earth to take spaceflight, which you're missing out. So meaning just the most recent or the final. Like the final. We're going last is final.

Now, are we going it's final because the human beings we have had to leave Earth? And so you're the last one? No, I don i'm thinking like recreational space flight give me the last one that gets to do it and everybody okay okay well hold on are you the last one because you explode in space and they have to stop space travel i think if that's the case this is is a very easy question. Would you rather explode in space or live? To be in outer space, or would you rather die horrifically in the vacuum of cold death? I think it's just a battle between uncertainty and FOMO. I would not handle being the first anything on the way to space knowing the risks. I mean, you'd be like 50-50.

Okay, well, I guess here's the problem here's the problem because the moon landing was such a big thing who was the first person into space oh man you so you're bringing up a great point here because what i was gonna say what i was gonna say is who was the second person that landed on the moon because you don't know that's i don't know what are you talking about the second person is buzz who is the third who is the seventh i don't know the third i know the first and the second how many people have landed nobody cares it was the first and that's eddie ernie billy bobby sammy david but the the reality is, Mike, you're bringing up the truth. There has been a first person in space, and we don't know who it is. Well, here's the problem.

Maybe this is an American history thing. I'm pretty sure that Russia beat us into space. I'm Googling right now. This is educational. Yeah, I mean, it looks like Yuri Akinsikovigavli i told you man it was a cosmonaut we did not win the first person into space that's why getting to the moon was so important do you know how popular yuri kazmakonlimov is in russia well that's what i want to know he's a legend is he the neil of the Soviet Union? You know, it's like, are there non-existent Soviet Union?

Yeah, give me the lower risk. I don't, I could not really enjoy. I mean, I know and realize that if you do blow up in space, it's not a long process. Like of all the ways to suddenly go, I imagine space explosion's fine. Okay, I'll bring up the name. Alan Shepard. We know that name.

I do not know that name. Oh, okay. I know that name. He's the first American to get into space. I know his name, but he's not front of mind like Neil Armstrong. And that sucks for Alan Shepard. And what Alan Shepard did? He's the first American in space.

I mean, that's way riskier. It's very risky. Yeah, I mean, I think the real issue here, the real problem is Yuri. Yuri has, you know, Yuri Akhlohalifis gargarin sneaky russians man they get you they stole they stole the the value of it to us so i i think had it been an american we would know the name and so i'm taking the first person i'm taking the i want i want that glory how long did the did uh how long did yuri live uh like did he live yeah did he live like a long and healthy life after being the first person what do you think he got like a space disease

like this is a problem uh it looks like a space disease he did not have a super long life. Born in 1934, passed in 1968. So 34 years. So that's not the best. He might have died in space. He might have died in space. There is a good chance that man died in space. I cannot confirm or deny.

Can't Google because I can't spell it. cannot confirm or deny can't google because i can't spell it um so that's what i wanted to know if the impact of this it was an aviation incident oh goodness this is what i'm saying it's would you rather be like known on some like you know 100 years from now some spitballers podcast comes out and you were the first man in space and you live to be 40 or you know you just come in once the uh the safety is there you're gonna be i'm gonna go last yuri is right now getting his 15 minutes of fame in in the states this is his he had more no he had 100 had more than 15 like okay if I say the word Sputnik, you know what that is. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Back in the 60s, this was a big deal. I'm officially voting last. You guys vote because Jason needs to. Let me ask you guys this question then because I think it leads into another conversation. uh conversation the conversation of legacy is legacy like because back in the day it it feels like when i'm learning about history and like the way that people thought about legacy that was a really big deal it was okay when i'm gone what will people remember about me like people now do we really only have sports do really care that much about legacy?

We care about our children and their children. Right, but that's not a legacy. That's not historical textbooks are going to look back at what I did. That's my family lineage will keep going. So it's just a strange thing. You're right. Because we're more siphoned. It used to be really, really important. thing. You're right. Because we're more... It used to be really, really important.

Yeah. You're right. That being said, I'm going William Wallace here. Every man dies. Not every man truly lives. But William Wallace has a massive legacy. Exactly. And I will be dead with Yuri in outer space.

Okay. I'm taking the first all right it's been a little while but it's time for some jason explains spit wads we have a great gift idea for you i don't know if you've heard about paint your life.com we found out about this a couple months ago we actually had one done for the three of us in studio a charcoal painting but you can actually have real human beings actual amazing artists which that blows my mind in general i don't know how people do art draw paint do whatever style you want make unbelievable portraits or landscapes whatever want, by hand in real life.

I got one on my, I did one with my son and our dog, and it's hung up in his room. They're really, really cool. And if you can't get everybody together for a photo, well, you can paint them together. You take a picture of one person, a picture of another, put them together, talk to your artist, and they will paint you, draw you, whatever you're asking for. It's a perfect birthday gift, anniversary gift, wedding gift. You could commemorate some loved one who isn't around anymore. I have one with tons of your family members.

That's super weird. Yeah, you can do that as well. At PaintYourLife.com, there is no risk. If you don't love the final painting, your money is refunded, guaranteed. And right now, for a limited time offer, you can get 20% off your painting. And it's really, really affordable. That's right, 20% off and free shipping to get this special offer. All you need to do is text the word ARTIST to 64000.

That's ARTIST to 64000. Text ARTIST to 64000. Paint your life. Celebrate the moments that matter most. Terms apply. Available at paintyourlife.com slash terms. Again, that's ARTIST to 64000 paint your life. Celebrate the moments that matter most. Terms apply. Available at paint your life dot com slash terms. Again, that's artist to 64000. Jason explains in 60 seconds.

And Al's going to spin the wheel for us remotely and find out what you're explaining to us, Jason. So prepare yourself. Here we go. Please be basketball. All right, Jason, you have 60 seconds to explain horses. Oh, that's easy. Okay, so horses are this creature that was put on earth for people to ride. Horses have four legs.

And if you love horses, you are called an equestrian. Now, horse meat is illegal in most countries, but not all countries. If you're in certain European countries, you can eat this delicious, high-protein, low-fat meat. In the United States, it is unfortunately illegal to eat horse meat. You can't even ship it here here no matter how hard you try.

And people also have made a lot of money off of racing these majestic animals. And if you breed horses, you will be associated with the mob in short order so that you can make them money on horse betting. Interesting. And that is everything that you or anyone needs to know about horses. Didn't you buy some horse meat a long time ago? I was unsuccessful. You tried. You tried to buy some horse.

You put that out there. I remember long ago, I remember we were sitting in a room, and somehow this discussion just opened up, and it was Jason was trying to find healthy, low-fat, high-protein meat, and somehow horses came up. Trying to find healthy, low-fat, high-protein meat. And somehow horses came up. Well, this is when I used to train a little bit of MMA. And I would train jiu-jitsu.

Of course. All the Brazilian jiu-jitsu people I know, they're looking for horse meat. So Alistair Overeem, famous UFC fighter. That's their main course. So if you look at Alistair Overeem and you look at him through the years, he did what we call a Barry Bonds. He changed

from one... So his head grew three sizes? His whole body grew three sizes. That's called HGH, bro. It's 100% steroids. It has to be. There's no way it's not. Horses, guinea pigs, horses. HGH. His excuse was that it was horse meat guinea pig face because he was he was a he was from the other side of the planet and he said

that it was because he started a hell a normal diet of horse meat and so i was like i gotta give me dude you should look at him he's a monster i was like i've got to get me some horse meat and here's what's crazy like there's there's people listening right now very upset, right? Very, very upset because eating a horse is a terrible thing. Eating a cow, that's totally cool. Well, they're dumb. I mean, but... Because they don't race.

They just get eaten. Right? Oh, cow races? That would be awesome. Oh, man. I mean, I was going to say horses are shaped perfectly to be ridden but so are cows yes exactly i mean you you should be able to race a cow cows are slow yeah that is the issue how do we know we've been growing them to be eaten we haven't been breeding them for

racing we've been breeding them for eating cows for for how fat would horses be if they were bred for eating they would they would be a they would are we sure that cows and horses are different animals or were they just at one point the same animal and we just did two different things with them and so it's like that's the breeding you get the slim fast and you get the HGH. Can you milk a horse? We don't milk a horse. We have a bull. We found out that they're not the same. You can't milk a horse.

Okay, there it is. There's the science. I love this, Greg. We figured out the difference between a cow and a horse. We did. No, no, no. We skipped over my point. if you go back if you check the tape jason called it delicious he called it delicious yeah we need to investigate that i've heard tale these are tale of so that's actually it's supposed to get so big

all right it's very gamey oh my goodness that's a great question how do we even move on from there jared the show's not over jared on patreon no we still have the world's greatest draft mike coming up uh you must smell here's this great question for us you must smell like a food of your choice for the rest of your life what food do you choose this doesn't seem difficult no this is very easy for me this is very difficult really oh my goodness i i guess there are different good options that's how i feel nothing smells better than bacon but do you want to smell like bacon? No, no, no, no, no. No, no. That's why my smell. You already smell like bacon. Yeah, I mean, you eat enough, you become what you eat. I feel like bread is something that no matter what point of your life or how you're feeling. Jason's face right now, he thought about smelling bread and his face went to a new place.

I'm full. Oh, bread still smells good sometimes when you're full like bacon you're like ah that i don't want to smell that right now but bread at all points when you're tired when you're going to bed you're full you're hungry bread always smells great you know what's funny is i don't think of bread i don't think it gets enough respect from me for its aroma oh because it is unbelievable but i would never have thought of bread i mean you walk in a bakery and it's like hot dang i want to live here so okay andy now you you said it seemed like it was easy for you too did you have something to compete with bread i did no bread's a great answer and ever since this whole quarantine started my wife has made a loaf of sourdough every single day so my house basically smells your house

permanently like yeah like my way yeah uh at first i was thinking desserts was the answer so i thought like chocolate or even smelling like coffee who doesn't like that okay okay coffee but bread is such a bread is such a not, it's not overwhelming. And that is a very nice feature of bread smell. Coffee is very polarizing though. Yes. Because there was, I'm- Which means I'll get rid of some dumb people.

Well, I'm a newer coffee drinker in the terms of like my adult life. I mean, I've probably only been drinking coffee for five years and i'm a middle-aged man like so it most of my adult life i was not drinking coffee and in that time i couldn't even go into a starbucks because it was it was repulsive i didn't like coffee i wanted nothing to do with it the stench like made me nauseous I don't know what my wife is cooking downstairs right now but this conversation guys it is a problem over here we might have to stop this show it's good whatever she's making is good do you want to smell like it for the rest of your life I have I we have never I mean oh i gotta text her immediately this is weird to be at home

people need to know yeah i need to know what what other container is for lunch i haven't had lunch and so this is smelling too good my man wait no hold on horses you had a horse for the people at home i mean it's almost 3 p.m local time time as we record this. You haven't had lunch? I know. What's up with that? This is very off-brand, but I went on a podcast for some people from the other side of the planet, had a podcast, a special 200th episode, and they invited me on. So scheduling-wise, getting the time zones to click, I happened to not eat yet, and now

whatever scent she's made, I can't wait for her. It's just chicken broth. I don't know what it is, but either I'm starving or it's a great scent. I was going to throw vanilla out there. Ooh, that was great. Who doesn't want to smell like vanilla? That's already a perfume. People choose to smell like vanilla or light candles to smell like vanilla.

What about lemons? Like a citrusy kind of yeah i mean because as long as it's a subtle subtle citrus and it smells clean you always will smell clean that's true do either of these answers vanilla or lemon fit the question because there's like food i'm not just drinking vanilla and i'm not eating a lemon yeah Yeah, that's a fair point. That's an ingredient. So if you chose a main course, what if you chose a main food course to smell like for the rest of your life? Like a meatloaf. Smelling good.

Well, I mean, if you're going that way, then I feel like you gotta go with pizza. But the reason I went with bread over pizza... I don't want to smell like pizza forever. Oh, pizza smells good. Come on. That's just bread. Pizza smells so good.

It smells like bread. It smells like bread, but it smells like pizza. It's different because of the cheese and the tomatoes. Okay. And the seasonings. Yeah. What about soup? You want to smell like soup?

No. No one wants to smell like soup. Onions? You want to smell like onions? no one wants to smell like onions you don't smell like onions i smell like onions right now that's legit my answer is whatever is being cooked downstairs and i will find out by the end of this episode what i smell like for the rest of my life andrew from the website when taking a shower is there a correct way to wash your body and your hair my wife is convinced that you must wash your hair first so you aren't rinsing your dirty hair onto a clean body.

But I always want to wait and wash my hair at the end of the shower. Does it matter? Is someone right in this debate? Andrew, I hope you understand someone is always right. That's the important thing. There's never room for two opinions. And that's not with this that's just life america there's one right way and that's it um but in this situation like all situations there is a

right and a wrong um and i think we we have to all be in agreement right because we're all wise we're three wise men it's hair first it's hair first. It's hair first. Has to be hair first. It has to be hair first. I don't always adhere to it, though. Sometimes I'm a little frivolous. But here's what I will say. I will phrase it as a question. Gentlemen, how often do you wash your hair?

Do you guys every time? Or every day, every shower? If I take more than one shower in one day, I will not wash my hair both times. If it's one shower a day, which is normal, then I wash it every day. If I were to take three showers in a day, I would wash my hair three times. It's the first thing. Do you do the same amount of shampoo no matter what? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I'm just, I've got, you know, once I'm in there for about. Equal opportunity dirty yeah once i'm in there for about 28 minutes in the water then it's time to wash hair and then after that wash body i mean it's just like everybody's shower 28 minutes in no false i wash my hair like once every never wait you never wash your hair because it's bad for your hair not never but it's bad for the oils of your hair, right? Washing your hair every day is actually bad for the oils of your hair.

That's what I've heard. Is this why I'm losing my hair? I didn't want to point fingers. The hygiene is too good. I highly doubt that's the reason why you're so bald but but no like i i only wash my hair like once probably once a week the logic for washing your hair first is there i mean it makes sense i mean yes yeah when i wash my hair described it's first it's first and then the soap goes down trick trickle down soaponomics right yeah Trickle-down soaponomics, right?

Yeah, trickle-down soaponomics. Trickle-down soaponomics. This is classic. Andrew, your wife is right. If you were to Windex a mirror. So Reagan taught me. If you were to Windex a mirror, okay? Right.

If you start at the bottom, and then you wash up at the end, there's a problem. What you washed first now has a bunch of dripping streaks through it. Yeah, that's trickle-down windonomics, obviously. Okay, one more great question before we draft. Rylan from Twitter. Okay, you got the food? I've got the dots. What do you want to smell like the rest of your life?

I want to smell like taco meat. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. No. Yes, Mike, come over to this house and you will be like, I want to smell this for the rest of my life. Skip lunch and then go to his house. Here's the craziest part.

Here's the craziest part. There was a fear. I had a fear that she would say nothing. I had a fear that I just smell like taco meat. You have a mirage hallucination of smells? Well, the problem is taco meat smells good, but I would be remiss if I wasn't being honest and saying, I think people can smell like taco meat.

It's a close relative to body scent you are you're right taco meat depending on your the state of consciousness it's either fantastic or it's terrible well I hope right now it's good right now it's fantastic uh You're so hungry you could eat a horse. I mean, right. Well said. Ryland from Twitter. What are some things that only exist because of people's stupidity? That's funny because there are so many things that we have to invent and create because people are dumb, right? Oh, man.

To protect us from ourselves. For instance, that would be like what? Medicine bottles? I mean, we can't. I guess those are for kids. Yeah. Those are for kids. Stupid kids.

There's a reason for that. I mean, you can hide it all you want, but kids will do what kids do like the first thing that popped into my head and this is like full on one of those like 1940s like weird inventions they had an invention and it was targeted at people who eat grapefruit for breakfast and it was like a shield that came down and covered most of your face because the grapefruit apparently was squirting into people's eyes. And this was such a problem that they had to invent a device to stop people from getting the citrus spray right in the eyeball. They couldn't figure that out. Well, that's yeah. I mean, that's that's at the far end of the stupid spectrum uh i i always

think about these type of questions in relation to like look if there if there weren't stupid people that stole things from each other all the time all of the inventions that we have for like you know door locks or keys or all that stuff wouldn't have to exist because people wouldn't steal each other's stuff it's just we okay that's a different layer it's a different layer but we presuppose all the time that like somebody's going to take something from you so we have to invent all these things to stop it that's true that's true um how about not so much a thing but a company all the companies that get you out of timeshares you know there's uh you always hear these all the predatory lawyers yeah all these like get you let

me get you out of the mistakes you made title loans yeah exactly how can i get you out of you eyes yeah yeah yeah lawyers lawyers exist because of people's stupidity there are whole industries now like is there any other line of work that exists because they specifically created a language that like regular people don't understand because legal like it's called legalese for a reason because it's just they're like well we're we're so super smart we have to make up all these words that people can't possibly understand you need to hire us to read it you need to hire us to write it that's a really good that's a really good gig i, the first lawyer who created the position was very smart.

Yes. Maybe lawyers didn't get created for that. Maybe we all were smart enough a long time ago to read it all and then most of us got dumb and only the lawyers stayed smart. Oh, man. That's a great point. It's possible. Jerry Springer shows

up and we all get real dumb. Yeah, it's his fault. All right, you guys want to draft? Not really, but let's do it. The Spitballers Draft. We are a sophisticated show. We bring you sophisticated opinions, answers, problem solving, all of these type of things.

And then we end the show with a draft. And these drafts are always very important, sophisticated questions, practical, things that you might run into at some point in your life, which I think this is, possibly that. We are drafting, and Mike has the first pick, we are drafting things to replace your hands with. So if you're in that position where you have to replace your hand with an object, which, I mean, look, pirates. Pirates have been in that boat.

That's true. Oh, nice one, man. Har, har, har, har. So we are drafting. Look, these could be practical. These could be entertaining. These could be for self-defense. These could be whatever. I don't know where Mike could be for self-defense. These could be whatever.

I don't know where Mike's going to go. It's going to be so stupid. We don't know where any of this is going. In fact, this may be one of the craziest drafts we have ever. Did you say balloons? Dude, that's such a good idea. So you can fly? I don't know that that would help you.

That's genius. But like, you guys ever seen that lizard video it was like mr balloon hands no that's drinking out of cups yeah there you go so uh all right mike you you got first pick in this i have i have no idea i have no idea i've got the second pick and i'm already out of stuff all right let me i have to ask this question because this draft isn't crazy enough. Are we talking about things that like are 100% real or we're just drafting whatever to replace your hands with? I think it has to be real as in like you couldn't draft a never ending

sandwich because then I would draft a never-ending sandwich. A never-ending sandwich. You have to go to a doctor, and you have to be able to say, Doctor, replace my hand with this, please. Okay. All right. Is that fair? Is that a fair?

Yes, 100%. And I wanted to clarify that because I was going to draft lightsabers. Okay. That's awesome. Because, look, we all want weapons after that we we all want weapons but there's like if you're like i draft swords there's a there is a very big very large problem if your hands are just swords i would i would let you have a light i will absolutely that's a great idea functional lightsaber that is a functional real lightsaber. Okay, all right, great. Then I take light. If it's allowed, I'm taking lightsaber.

But I will not allow Al Borland. Al Borland just wrote lightsaber down, and he wrote L-I-G-H-T space S-A-B-R-E-S. Oh, man. This is like his Fonz solo. And then he thinks he corrected it. It all comes back to Star star wars so to the whole entire point of this pick number one i mean we all want like we all want to have a lightsaber now i have

two but if i have swords there's a there's a huge risk factor if i fall down that i'm now dead because i fell on my own i've always thought that lightsaber use was far more dangerous than it's been made out to be in the movies. Because if you just get anything close to that, you are severing it. You're in risky business, mister. Oh, no, 100%, but I can go on and off. I can go on and off. And you got a steak that's undercooked?

Don't worry about it. You got a tea's undercooked? Don't worry about it. You got a tea that needs warming up? Don't worry about it. You got a wall that needs a door? Don't worry about it. You have a wall that needs to come down. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing.

You're like, oh, you want a steak that's cooked? You're not cooking the steak. You're destroying the steak. You're cutting a steak in half. You think you're cutting the steak in half. That steak. I'm not talking about touching it. Wait.'s wait i don't know is a lightsaber hot i assume it's hot you're gonna need that to cook the steak now this was clearly planned out because you you started

with you started with the star wars uh scat and now you're going one-on-one how dare you all right uh look okay i feel like i've got a better option here, Mike. That might not be as cool. You definitely have the cool factor. Sure. And, you know, this takes playing lightsaber, beat saber. Oh, beat saber? You just do that in real life to the next level.

But you've got problems that I don't have with my gun hands. My gun hands, they can protect. They can go further distance. Sure. I'm not going to accidentally rip a hole through a counter. What kind of gun you got here, Jay?

That's a great question. I'm going to go. How is it not a spear based on your history oh hold on let me add to my list here hold on you could have had spear hands back to the most valuable all right jason what kind of guns do you have i'm gonna give colt 45s all right how many bullets does a colt 45 hold i I'm going to go machine gun with a banana clip. I can reload that Colt 45 with my mouth. Look, I didn't necessarily think both your hands have to become these objects.

Oh, yeah, both your hands are the object. Both of them? That's a rule. It's replace your hands. Isn't a Colt 45 a revolver? I't know okay so you have six bullets but i can i was thinking i can reload that with my mouth i thought that you cannot how can i not maybe your feet maybe your feet jeremy you're you're the you're the the gun man around here Could I not drop bullets into a revolver from my mouth? Yeah, you could,

but getting it open is going to be the hard part. It's my hand. I can open it. That's like saying I can't pull the trigger because you don't have a hand. You don't have a finger. I thought that when we were drafting

these, you'd be mixing and matching one on one hand, one on the other hand for practical value. Ketchup on my left, mustard on my right. I'm prepped. That's what I mean. This is symmetrical. So now I have both my hands have to be this object. Well, look, I mean, if you want to go ketchup mustard, that's fine.

If you want to be the hot dog guy, fine. If you've got something specific, you can throw it out there. Mike threw lightsabers out. This is a unique one. Here, let me be honest. I'm not following your little train of thought with I'm going to go defense first with lightsabers and guns. Look, ice cream dispenser was at the top of my list. I was going to go some soft serve, man.

I could get that any time I wanted. Oh, man. We'll give you the swirl. I don't know if i need two two vanilla and chocolate you know yes that's perfect so you got soft serve oh that is really good okay i'm gonna go yeah i'm gonna go soft serve and then and because that actually exists that's like my infinite sandwich it is but but that's a thing i mean i might have to get reloaded every once in a while i don't know how you do that you have infinite ice cream okay so obviously we are

we don't need to battle let's put it that way sure i'll have to bribe you mike and i will be winning that battle uh but now i eat the ice cream off your cold dead body i think I want helicopter propellers. I think I want to fly around like almost an inspector gadget. Were you inspired by the balloons? A hundred percent. Dang it. I shouldn't have said that. I just feel like I get a lot more control with propellers.

My first two things I was going to draft were hopefully guns and I'm on the clock, right? Yes, you're right. And wings. Hold on. Hold on. Jason. These are on the tips of your hands. I realize it.

Only I realize it. And that's hysterical to me. All right. But I'm not going to do that now because he's already got flight with the helicopter propellers, which is much better. Now, also, okay, you give me a hard time about, oh, I got wings on the tip of my hands oh that can't make you fly his propellers aren't gonna make him fly unless they're the size of a helicopter they're gonna be pretty they're pretty big you're gonna be walking around dragging these unfathomably it's worth it to fly well hold

on i'm just flying around like this with one hand in there eating ice cream with the other because i mean a helicopter is a metal machine it's very heavy if you're just a 200 pound man no big deal how big do the blades have to be i would say four feet yes we need a scientist that yeah 22 inches i just looked it up no for real no i have no alland, 22 inches? There's no way. Okay, he's lying. There's no Google analyzer that says, if I'm a 200-pound man, how large do my propellers need to be? Hold on. I need to spin in a circle real quick. All right.

So I'm going the obvious soft serve. Also, you need one out your butt for stability. Right. Soft serve, dispensers, helicopter, propeller hands. Jason, it's back to you. There's so many options that I'm glad I don't have to pick right now. Look, I think this is going to be practical. I think I'm going to be able to still grab things, still use things.

I'm going to get up high. I'm going to get wherever I want. I'm going to get around the corner. I'm taking tentacles. I'm going full tentacle extensions. There's other animals that don't have hands to get things done. Wouldn't it be tentacle? Aren't you getting just one tentacle?

No. No, I have two. You have two. You get like, oh, two. You're saying each hand. An octopus has eight tentacles. Yeah, I've got two. So you get two?

Yeah. Hmm, you'd be really, you'd be very scary looking. I'd be scary looking, but practical. I think we're all very scary looking. I'd be scary looking, but practical. I think we're all very scary looking. I'm so scary, but you with your helicopter hands. I'm giving the neighborhood kids ice cream. We're already past gun hands. I'm giving ice cream out.

I've got a business. I think tentacles would be scarier than gun hands. No. No way. No way way you also really couldn't have it we've abandoned the whole doctor could put this on you thing pretty quickly right yes 100 all right he just has two dead tentacles that don't move no these are these are active and living okay guns and tentacles that is spectacular yeah all right mike has to pick twice that's terrifying.

I know what my two picks are. Number one, though, I don't actually know the name of it. Okay. That's going to be tough. We'll have to work through this together. The old people pick up tool things. Oh, yeah. The little claw grabber. I think it was.

I've heard it called a gopher before. You've used those, and you're just like, these are are so great i wish i had it with me at all times well number one think of my reach and there is some practicality like i can still pick things up granted they have to weigh like less than a bit i know that's always the issue with those things you can't pick up anything those are technically trash pickers it are technically nifty nabbers. It's a nifty nabber or a trash picker. Can you get that vanilla folder? No.

Grabber reach or tool for elderly. Oh, my goodness. All right. And so I feel like that's pretty practical. And speaking of practical, I want a device that can do a whole bunch of stuff. I mean, one, one yes it can protect me in certain times of need but it can also do a whole bunch of other stuff because i'm going with swiss army knife oh that's pretty neat you could actually eat with that because you probably have

a little fork in there you're darn right i have a fork i got a spoon i got i got a magnifying glass dang i got toothpicks you got tweezers i got everything i need oh that sucks but you don't have the hands able to open it no you you could that would be pretty good those are his fingers man those are that's amazing i'm looking at my list okay and the the next two things that i want to take are basically both inside your swiss army knife but i do want to take are basically both inside your Swiss Army knife. But I do want to call a little bit of attention to this. Your Swiss Army knife, when you pull out, I don't know if there's, you know, I think there's scissors in there, right? Yes, there are.

Yeah, but not really. You ever use a Swiss Army knife scissors? Those little itty bitty. Yes, I'm not cutting a cardboard box up with my scissors. You're cutting a piece of tape. You're cutting a piece of tape. You're cutting a piece of tape with those scissors and nothing else. I have knives, Jason. All right.

All right, you're back. Oh, goodness. I'm a man. Which direction do I go? Oh, man, if you could see my list, it's a wide range. Taco meat. Do I want to go practical? The taco shell.

All right, look, my next two things I was going to take, I'm going to say them now because I'm not going to take them because of your Swiss Army Knives. I was going to go fork and spoon. Like, you know, I got a fork on one hand, spoon on the other. Help me eat. But I feel like, isn't there like a little fork thing in a Swiss Army Kn knife and then scissors you know edward scissorhands did it he was fine um i think those not fine he lived a very lonely movie out of it i mean that's pretty good that's

the barometer yeah if you get a movie you get a movie you're doing fine. Said Charles Manson. There's a few exceptions out there. All right. Look, I'm going to go air horns. Oh, yes. I'm going to be walking around getting that party started. Your wife is not making you any food in one day. Oh, she's making it or she's getting air horned. Oh, my gosh.

You are the ultimate hype man. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm walking up in places. You got a gun in one hand, air horn in the other. Wah, wah, wah, pop, pop, pop. That's the guy with tentacles. Yeah. All right.

Well, we're going that direction. I have gone away from anything um practical all right i i've got to finish up my draft i have soft serve dispensers i've got helicopter propeller hands i am going to skip a step here i mean look we're all on our phones 24 7 i'm just replacing my hand with my phone i don't got to take it out of my pocket anymore that's so i don't got to hold it anymore it's always charged i'm going smartphone for my hand oh man and then my final pick my final pick just came to me and i have some other things written down that are bad because this is a tough draft but i'm going gorilla hands i'm swapping i'm swapping out for some big old strong gorilla hands.

I don't think you can draft hands to replace your hands with. Or I would have taken robot hands with my first pick. I do have monkey hands on my list. Are you disqualifying my hands? I will replace my hands with hands. But bigger, stronger gorilla animal hands. I'll take Shaquille o'neal's hands please they're so big they can pull my basketball they're still hands you can't just

take hands dang it i'm out so this is the first pick that someone's passing no i'm not passing now i will make one exception to this rule because it's also on my list if you want to take doll hands i will allow it you can go down you just can't go up i can't go up because i think you can freak some people out with doll snl skit with the doll hands chris wig fine i'll do giant axes. Oh, nice. That's a good pick. I need to compete with you at least if you do attack me. Give me two giant axes.

To be fair, propeller hands are terrifying. That's true. I could cut you up. Man, I was really banking on gorilla hands. I would be far more scared of a person with propeller hands than a person with axe hands. Yeah, that's fair because one of those is already going. One has a motor. The other one, you got to swing yourself.

All right. Well, look. These made it back. Every time I turn the motor on, I'm taking off. I'm not going to be able to attack you. I'm going to go straight up in the air. What are you talking about? You're going to be able to do a ton of stuff.

Thanks, man. Appreciate it. Aerial attack. All right. Thanks, man. Appreciate it. Aerial attack. All right, I'm done. I can't believe these made it back to me. What? Gumball machine.

But I'm going to take feet. I'm going to take feet. What? Imagine me galloping down the street on all fours, running so fast with shoes on my... That pick is so good. Yeah, I got feet for hands. Take that. Wait, gorilla hands disqualified. Feet, fine.

Feet is fine. You should have taken gorilla feet, bro. I'm all in on feet. I should have taken gorilla feet. Oh, yeah. I got... Yeah, I got... Because gorilla feet are basically hands.

I could have had gorilla feet. I'm taking feet for hands. Oh, my gosh. Oh, man. Just watch me eat with my big toe holding that spoon. We've all seen the videos, man. People, when they got to learn how to use their feet, they can do crazy stuff with their feet. Oh, my gosh.

So you're galloping. That's terrifying. That's such a good pick. Yeah. I mean, it should have been the 101, but here I get it. That is a great pick. Well, I do have lightsabers. That's true.

That's true. Yeah, right after we established it had to be real items, he picked lightsabers, and we gave it to him. That's true. So I've got guns, tentacles, air horns, and feet. That is my list. All right. All right.

Mike, you get to finish this spectacular draft up. I'm going with... Now, I want to be clear with the word that I'm saying. Flashlights. I'm going with a... I'm going with flashlights. Really? You need light that often?

You need that... Dude, think about me at night. Who can see where they're going? This guy. Andy has a cell phone. He's got a flashlight on his hand already. I haven't had a problem seeing at night in 20 years. Because you have light everywhere you're going.

Are you breaking my breaker boxes? I'm going out in the woods. I am 100% going out in the woods. And have you ever seen an industrial flashlight? You think I can't beat the going out of the woods and have you ever seen like an industrial flashlight you think i can't beat the crap out of people with a flashlight okay you're going with a flashlight blind people he loves he's got flashlight lightsaber he's just yes yes you had a superhero that i did invent yeah years ago called light man you think i can't be light man with my super powered hand flashlights?

Do you remember that, Jason? The Light Man? I don't remember Light Man. He's basically a man that is just covered in the brightest light bulbs and whenever somebody comes at him, he just... Boom. Boom. I don't remember how it worked, but somehow I was like Cactus Man. Yeah, we were inventing

some... Where did this come from? This was from long ago. This was when Andy and I would go to lunch. Yeah. When we weren't talking fantasy football. I was a cactus and I would sit there and not do anything. And the light man would blind everybody and they would jump into Cactus Man. That's right. This happened?

You guys came up with this? This was a good combo. Yes, we did. Oh, man. this happened you guys came up with this this is a good combo oh man the the light man would force the enemies into cactus man that's right uh lightsabers uh elderly grabbing uh what are those called pickers swiss swiss army knives uh flashlights jason has guns tentacles air horns and feet and I've got soft serve helicopter propeller hands smartphones and axes

because you wouldn't give me gorilla hands like very often we know as soon as the draft is over because we put the polls up we let the people vote on what their favorite draft was at spitballers pod on Twitter and Instagram. Often we know who's going to win.

I have no idea what will happen with the votes on this one. Not me. I know who's not going to win. It's not me. It's not going to be me. I have air horns for one of mine. You have feet, bro. Feet was a great pick.

Yeah, that's a steal in the fourth round. I'm putting my money on Jason. Were there anything on... I think Mike will get it with the lightsabers. Was there anything on your guys' list that wasn't taken? I have a soda fountain. Oh, a cannon. Oh, very nice.

You see, Al Borland would tell you it's pretty hard to load a cannonball with your mouth. Yeah, I have cannons. Crab claws. Yeah, I had crab claws too. I felt like they were pretty functional. And then the last one on my very, very short list, laser pointers. You know, I had that too. You had that too?

Yeah, but it's so bad. You can only do one very not useful thing with it. But sometimes you need to point. But when you need to point at something in a preferably dark area. It doesn't matter how far away it is. I will show you where to go. Wow. What if you had like a tree, like a tree branch?

Tree hand? For some shade? Enjoy holding that up. That's not bad. Yeah, you would have to hold it up i think an umbrella would probably be a better pick than tree hands in arizona i'll take shade over an umbrella thank you very much what you don't think an umbrella can give you shade i feel dumb the uh that's funny i polled my children on this and my middle son was emphatic that I draft dog heads.

What? Oh, like a Cerebus or something? Yeah, basically like I have two live dogs as my hands. Huh. Companion ship. I'll think about it. But he insisted. He thought that was the best thing of all time.

I can't believe nobody went spear well you're talking you look in the mirror bro well i mean when i thought of feet you can't that's true that's a good thing that's pretty good what did we learn today nothing nothing at all i learned i learned something that jason's over there pretending he has not eaten horse meat yet he called it delicious and the exact same bread I think I learned that bread is maybe the thing I'd want to smell like forever

I learned that you can't milk a horse everybody out there all you spitwads thank you so much for tuning in today. Hope you enjoyed the episode. Stay safe. Stay happy. We'll be with you soon. Goodbye.

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