Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Twerking Grandma & Activities That Will Ruin Your Day - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 13, 2023

Spit Hit for July 13th, 2023: Today we talk all about chemical explosions, recorder concerts, dairy farming, and Andy’s pointy nose. And we are sure to make your day seem better when we close it down with a draft of the worst activities to ruin your day. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

On today's spit hit, we're going to be talking about recorder concerts, dairy farming. Apparently, we highlight Andy's very pointy nose and somehow twerking grandmas show up in this show and the draft of the day, the worst activities to ruin your day. Hey, tell your friends and your family about the podcast. Let's get other people in on the fun. Now that you've done that, enjoy today's spit hit. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ba-boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

ba-ding-a-ding, bang, bang. Oh, for those listening and not watching on YouTube, I wondered what was coming because he cups the mic. He mic he wanted he wanted the heavy bass oh man I was like what are you about to do and you didn't disappoint I mean you disappointed like your family um but you didn't disappoint us welcome into the spitballers back again I don't know how Mike felt about it. I think he's figuring that out right now.

It may take a while. I don't think we'll ever know. Just let it wash over you. I tried. I tried. Boom, boom, boom. Would you rather the Situation Room? We are drafting activities that will ruin your day

because there are things that happen, that can happen, that will just, it's there are things that happen that can happen that will just uh it's not a day you want to remember oh they suck yeah i hate when all of the things on my list happen i hate it and i don't it just ruins everything and we did a draft a while back on you know activities for a perfect day something to make your day go right so why not do the inverse gotta balance things out yeah at spitersPod on Twitter, SpitballersPod.com is the website if you want to support the show. And YouTube.com slash Spitballers if you want to watch it. Let's kick it off. Would you rather? Betsy from Twitter. Would you rather be The principal

Or a janitor of a middle school If you were paid the exact same For either position Oh how funny Not a lot of Betsys out there anymore Not a lot It's good to hear from one of them I do know a Betsy

Do you? You know a Bets that we call Betsy So I know two Betsys I only know a Betsy. Do you? I do. You know a Bets that we call Betsy. So I know two Betsy. Oh, this is someone else? I only know one Betsy, and it's Betsy Ross. That's it. That's the only Betsy I know. You know Betsy Ross?

I did. Did. Did. Yeah. Jason, she's... No, my kid's vocal director is named Betsy. Really? She's young.

How do you have a vocal director at the age of 85? Well, that's why I said she's young, because you have a vocal director at the age of 85 well that's that's what's that's why i said she's young because you assume you assume that if she's named betsy she's got to be 85 because people don't name people betsy anymore there's nothing really wrong with the name no no it's a fine name it's just not dolores is great but it's not done anymore no i wonder if betsy's going to come back. Probably now it'll come back around because of the show. Betsy from Twitter, though, wants to know if you're...

Especially on children's names. The janitor or the principal, if you're paid the same amount of money, what's the better gig? What is the better gig? The principal job is very high stakes. You are... I'm the janitor times a million. Yeah, I was going to get there.

Sorry. Sorry. I just realized there's no way I want to deal with parents. Exactly. And the parents aren't going to come complain to the janitor. The parents complaining to the principal, they are going to be some highly opinionated people who want to share that opinion in a very angry way. With unadulterated bias. Yes.

Towards their child, which for the record, I have towards my children. But I know that that's the worst thing in the world is having tons of outside influences, not being able to please anybody. Nobody's happy with you. The middle schoolers, they just tell stories about you. All the rumors that you hear. The amount of names that you are called behind your back is incalculable. And the janitor would hear all those names because they're in the bathroom when they're being told.

You can say the names if you're the janitor. You know what I mean? You can help come up with them. I think a principal is an unheralded firefighter. Firefighters, they don't deal with good things. Their whole job is to deal with problems, fires, people calling 911. It's nightmare after nightmare, but thank goodness for firefighters. They are awesome.

They are amazing people. The only thing principals deal with is fires, just problems. They don't have parents coming up and being like, I just wanted to stop in today and be like, you're doing good work. They suspend kids all the time. They have to have those uncomfortable conversations with the troubled kids that are like, you know. But there's no heralding them.

No. There might be a principal of the year, but it's few and far between. Yeah. I mean, now let's talk about the glory of the janitor. I mean, if you're paid a principal's wage, if you do a bad job, let's say you do a bad job as janitor. I don't think anybody knows. I don't think anybody cares. They care and they know. Not really. Because you're not the only janitor i don't think anybody knows i don't think anybody cares they they care and they know

not really because you're not the only janitor i do have not one janitor in school you know what i mean i do have a janitorial strategy and that would be to abuse the level of chemicals that they provide me because i somehow feel like that just makes things cleaner. I'm not going to be sparing the supply. I'm going to spray a lot more than I need to spray. Remember how kids in grade school, they'd throw up, and the throw up would be somewhere, and then the janitors always had some sort of thing that they poured onto the throw up because it made it absorb,

and then they'd scoop it up. You know what I'm talking about? What, like some gran's like a powder it's a powder yeah okay former janitor in the house at the working at a movie theater yes and so you put the powder down and it absorbs the moisture right and then you have to sweep it up can we get this at home and i put this stuff everywhere you could just use cat litter it basically is the same thing yeah why don't why don't why doesn't every home in America have- Why don't we make our floors out of this? Well, we're not puking all over the floors as often as people did at school.

School is just- Higher ratio of puking. Yeah. You just don't know. There's no safe place. You think you need to puke at school. You don't know where to go. When you were a wee lad-

Yeah. You witnessed a lot of the puking? Oh, there was always a- Oh, if someone puked in there, you'd smell it. Oh, gosh. Really. Yeah. You witnessed a lot of the puking? Oh, there was always a, oh, if someone puked in there or you'd smell it. Oh, gosh. Really? Yeah. There are people puking all the time.

There was certainly a couple instances that I can recall growing up, but not a lot. You didn't go to our cafeteria. I guess not. Yeah. I remember a handful of- Chicken fried steak. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.

Super good. Oh, yeah. You know- what's a chicken finger mike you got to be careful with abusing those chemicals though because it smells clean when i was a 14 year old boy oh it burns it's so clean i almost died from accidentally mixing chemicals when I was cleaning. I was at a... Okay, what could have been? My father was like... You got a Breaking Bad situation going on here?

Working at a church, yes. It was exactly. I didn't have the gas mask on. I didn't know I needed one. I was in like a little janitor closet. The door was shut. Not good. And I was filling the mop bucket.

And I'm pouring in bleach. I don't know what i'm doing i'm a kid who sent you to do this my father it was his job i think at the time and and he's like well he's just taking insurance learn some work and so you know i was helping i was i was helping out and right and i i just grabbed different bottles and i was doing the andy holloway oh you're mixing them together i'm not spare no expense i don't i'm not you know i was And I just grabbed different bottles, and I was doing the Andy Holloway special here. Oh, mixing them together. I'm not, spare no expense.

I'm not, you know, it's like 2% water, and the rest were all chemicals in this bucket. I was going to mop the heck out of that place. So when you say you almost died, did you pass out? It literally started, like, smoking, but I didn't even realize. Oh, no. It was going up, and my eyes started burning and my nose and and then it was like i couldn't open the door right away and i was like i i felt like this is this is how i uh this is it this is it i had a good 14 year run on planet earth but

i'm just saying kids be careful uh with with your cleaning. I think as a janitor, you can probably have earbuds in the whole day. I think that is that, Brooks, did you have a high amount of earbud use in your previous profession? I may have discovered the Fantasy Footballers podcast while working. Nicely done. Now, I mean, the janitor, most of your work is when the children are gone, though, right? Yeah. I mean, the janitor, most of your work is when the children are gone, though, right? Yeah.

You probably have to have some people on deck just in case there's all of this vomiting happening. Yeah. But I would think that you're kind of left to your own devices of just it's after hours, make sure the school's clean. Yeah. That's not too bad. It's a pretty sweet gig. I think the problem is the pay. Right.

I cannot imagine that there's a good wage there. But if you're like a principal yeah sign me up yeah okay we're all cleaning all right i'm i just wanted the record to say i am cleaning very poorly i am barely doing this job i just whatever to not get fired and nothing more yeah i mean really to be discovered as a bad janitor somebody has to go and inspect the kids bathrooms i mean he's doing that a bad janitor, somebody has to go and inspect the kids' bathrooms. I mean, who's doing that? Right. The janitor does that. Right.

It's a little bit of a... No, it's good. I checked. It's clean in there. It's good. Don't worry about it. Sarah from the website, plain and simple, would you rather go skydiving or bungee jumping?

Oh, easy. I'm a skydiver. Oh, heck yeah. I think, and I don't know this to be true, but I say this to be true, far more people die in bungee jumping than in skydiver. Oh, heck yeah. I think, and I don't know this to be true, but I say this to be true. Far more people die in bungee jumping than in skydiving. I claim that as a fact. That's just an adjacent more approved fact.

I have said that to my kids as a fact without looking this up, verifying anything. Having said the lie before makes it a more valid lie now? I have no idea if it's a lie. I believe it to be true. I've just never met it. Right, that's what I'm saying. Wouldn't you think that more people skydive in totality than bungee jump in the world?

Because that could swing it. Yes. I don't usually use it in totals, but it's more common to die bungee jumping. So percentage of bungee jumping deaths per bungee jumper I believe to be higher than skydivers. Do you want to live in your current state

of opinion or do you want the facts? Your unverified facts. Because we have the facts. You do have the facts? Yeah, we do have the facts. Al Borland can share the facts with you right now. Give it to me. Yeah, it says that bungee jumping sports the same fatality rate, which is 1 in 500,000. And when it comes to safety, bungee jumping and skydiving are right on par with each other.

So I'm right. That's great. The way that I took that information was that I am not wrong. Which is good enough. Which is good enough. And so, kids, don't bungee jump. It's very dangerous i was always told growing up that it's you get back problems because when you reach you know the very bottom of of the jump the bungee

jump that so the cord is at maximum tension and your spine it the the all the discs slightly separate and then when they come back down they may not be aligned properly this was the this was the tale that i was told of why i should never bungee jump that's funny because for that picture to like have the spine really elongate and then come back together is like is the bungee rope tied to your head like no it's on your i know but if it's on your like back no if it's on your feet it's the but if it's on your, like, back... No, if it's on your feet, it's the same thing. Is it on your feet? Yes.

That's where they tie it? What do you think, your neck? No, I thought, like, around the waist, like a harness. No, it's your feet. Oh, that would be terrible. Your neck would be toast. It is on your feet, isn't it? Well, that makes a lot more sense.

Okay. What did you think people were doing? I don't, I'm not, just full disclosure, I have not bungee jumped, nor watched someone bungee jump other than like a YouTube video flying past me. Yeah, I mean, both of them are things that the organizations that provide this service, skydiving and bungee jumping they need to be pretty certain you're not going to be killed during them so i mean they're both relatively it makes sense that they're similarly safe like an accident can happen because it's a zero sum game

but um one in 500 000 seems really good i don't want to i can't envision like the initial bungee jump would be fun. But from the moment that you begin to be pulled back up, is it then fun for the evening out? Like the rest of the bungee jump when you're just dangling? I would imagine so. That's still fun? By your feet. You're hanging upside down like a bat. I hate hanging upside down. Oh, you don't hang upside down that often, do you?

No, because I hate it. I just told you. That's the only reason why? That's it. What circumstances in your life are you hanging upside down? Okay, hanging upside down is hyperbolic. But whenever you're like, you know, your head is. Whenever like you have to bend over to tie your shoes?

Is this what we're talking about? No, when your head is like all the way at the bottom. If I'm hanging off a bed or something, you know what I mean? Like where all the blood rushes to my head. We've all been in situations where your head is the lowest. Are you talking about where you plop on the bed and then you let the head go over the edge? Yeah, but like your whole body.

You do that for fun? Well, no, because I don't like it. We've established this. But you think other people do it for fun. I'm saying that whenever my head is the lowest point of my body, I hate the feeling of blood rushing to my head. And if you bungee jump the entire time from go to being hauled up, you're upside down.

Yeah, but the only people who are hanging over the beds like that, that's preteen girls who are at a slumber party calling oh yeah on the phone yeah and they're kicking their feet and just having so much fun and the uh the inversion tables that's the other situation which i by the way someone told me i could fix my whole back with an inversion table how'd it go it was awful because the blood was rushing in my head it was unbearable i did i mean it was, it was just, I can't do this. Oh, my goodness. I feel like I'm going to pop.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. So now, how long does it take you to be wheeled up? I mean, bungee jumps are... Why don't they go down? They take you down. I believe they send you down. No, I don't know. What?

I don't know what they do. Have you bungee jumped, Al? No, I haven't. I feel pretty confident that... Notice I didn't even ask Brooks. That when it's done, they take you to the bottom. That is completely unacceptable. That means that there is a length of this cord that can reach the bottom.

That is no bueno. That is a good point. That is a strong, valid point. Also... I think they might pull you up. I don't know. All right. I'll get on that.

We need to know. Actually, they just do the scissor cut once you're dangling you're close if it's over a body of water um the the the difference here is like one of these things jumping off a bridge is like like if you're seeking thrills okay that's cool but it seems like the poor man's version of jumping out of an airplane right you just can't get up thousands of feet higher it's one's just cooler right yeah but at least with with the bungee jump when you get launched back up you're gonna have that point of of complete weightlessness as you know gravity balancing balances things out and pulls you back down. I think that's the thrill I'm looking for. I wanted to say that base jumping would be the best because you're up there.

But then I started thinking about it, right? And I started thinking about jumping off the edge, and then that little feeling in my undercarriage started to go. Sitting here right now just envisioning the height scare. I can't imagine being that high. Watching people that climb up to those crazy high towers, like on YouTube? Yes.

Oh, man. I am full clenched. I cannot watch these videos without really. I can barely go over a bump in a car. Yeah. The answer is skydiving. Is that Betsy? We got the answer.

No, that's not Betsy. That's Sarah. It depends on the operation. Sometimes they pull you up. Sometimes they cut the rope. Do you think that if you got into one of those situations, either one, right?

You've made the decision. I'm going to do it. I'm going to be a thrill seeker today. I'm finally going to do it. Do you think that if you got into it and you started getting a bad vibe of the people running it, but you're already committed, right? You paid your money. Right. You're up in the plane, but you just kind of don't like the people that you're with.

You're just like, these guys, they don't sound like they know what they're doing. Would you have the guts to pull out or would you just be like, I'm in it. I got to jump. That is, that's. I don don't know because you know the social pressure there of just like well and it's not just the pressure of the moment i mean that's now something you have to live with because or not well i'm saying if you you bail out on the jump once the plane lands and you are no longer actively looking at jumping out of an airplane and kind of rational thought comes back to you, you're going to say, well, maybe that was

just me being scared. And you're going to say that the fear overtook me and didn't let me do the joke. One in 500,000, you wimp. That's what I would say to that guy. More likely to be killed by being stung by a bee or struck by lightning than during tandem skydiving so could have told you that because because one of the big keys there is about to get you man your tandem skydiver also not interested in dying right and which is the kind of yeah uh all right jonathan from patreon says would you rather teach a water aerobics class to high school students or a hip hop dance class at a nursing home?

Your pupils must perform the routine. Your name will be proudly displayed as the director. I have a whole world I could get into around this question. Interesting. Which side of it? The side where to learn something, there must be an obligatory performance at the end

that people have to attend. Because we are knee deep and I mean we are inching very very close to a mandatory recorder performance at our kids school. Oh! And I

you talk about things to ruin a perfect day. Listening to the recorder. I have tried to conceive the way out of this thing. I mean, my son is supposed to be practicing his recorder regularly. The recorder is not an instrument that he's ever used. Cross, bonds. And there's going to be a number of kids performing this.

It's all recorders? All recorders. Oh, man. What a nightmare. And mandatory attendance by the children for their grade. What about the parents? Which means the parents must come. Well, you got to take the kids down there.

Drop them off. Oh, yeah. Just at the corner. Don't even get to the parking lot. Oh, and hit the Starbucks? Yeah. I'll pick you up at 830. There's a Dunkin' Don't even get to the parking lot. Yeah. I'll pick you up at 830. There's a Dunkin' Donuts very close to where they're performing.

I think you've got to. You've given me an idea. But anyways, the point is, is like when you teach these things, there's always a performance at the end. It's supposed to show what you know. What's your best chance of success here? Your best chance of success is with the students. Really?

With the water aerobics? Yeah, definitely. They're going to be worse, misbehaved, harder to corral and listen. But hip-hop dancing takes some muscle, some ability to move. Takes some skills. The old folk home trying to get these people who probably have walkers are you worried about them are you worried about yourself i'm worried about the my perception of how good i have done as a job i can't give old people the benefit of the doubt they do not give

teenagers the benefit of the doubt i don't need them to give them the benefit of the doubt my aerobics is gonna be amazing they're not gonna do it i'm all in on the old people man you get some grandmas and grandpas just booty popping pop lock and drop they don't have to do much to get an applause i mean like you oh that's true i mean you got the cheap way out there grandma twerking is just going to be it's gonna be a riot it's gonna be so funny and when one of the teenagers drowns you're going to look real dumb i have never like i i totally get it the the the easy way out on the old person doing something that is inappropriate they shouldn't you know you

watch a comedy movie you got an old lady who's cursing or whatever cheap laugh i i have never found those things funny i'm so you know i i look down upon your hip-hop class and i look at these old ladies that you've got twerking and i think what a hack what an absolute hack i tell the old people in the middle of the performance if if the if the claps aren't coming you just pop the you know pop the teeth out give them the gums you know what i mean give them the gums more gyrations grandpa show him your peachy gums are we uh do we have time for another would you rather or should we move on we got time for one more okay sam from patreon would you rather live in a penthouse in the middle of a

bustling downtown or in a luxurious mansion in the middle of nowhere? This is a question I have realistically asked myself many times because when I see a House Hunters type of a show or whatever, but they're in the city. They're in the heart of Chicago, and it's a really nice condo, and you're 50 floors up. Your views are you can see for miles and miles and you're in it you are in all of the action and you're like that sounds like that would be so incredible until you realize you're in the middle of all the action it's incredible awful those people are never, ever going away. But now we have this joke in our family.

My wife found this incredible Telluride mountain mansion, and she'll just randomly send me this link. Whenever life is overwhelming. It's the dream home. It's not even the dream home. It's the isolation home. Like the world around you is crazy. So this mansion in the middle of nowhere is the, it'll solve everything.

But you look at it on a map and there's nothing. It's beautiful, but there's nothing for miles and miles and miles. And it snows there. And then it's like, I need my Amazon. And then like, how do I get my Instacart? Don't think it's coming to your mansion in the middle of nowhere there's a lot of legwork to get supplied at the mansion yeah this is this is really tough at first I was immediately give me the mansion away from

everybody because I'm I'm a home buddy like you know I I'm I like being at home with the family, doing stuff. I want room. I want to sprawl. You might have the penthouse, which is more room than the average Manhattan flat, but it's still going to be tight. Tight space is smaller area. So I was like, I want the larger luxury mansion, but the reality of how hard life would be in the middle of nowhere. I think it would really suck. It would be some of that work your dad was trying to teach you when he locked you in the chemical closet. You would need to do definitely a lot of work to get it going.

Yeah, I mean, grocery shopping, restaurants, food. Like normal life stuff you'd have to end up doing. Yeah, it would be awful. So I think I'm going up. I think I'm going to the top floor. Yeah, I think I'm doing that too. I think I would too. I want

the option for action. I might just stay in the penthouse all the time yeah but i want good i want the option and but high enough maybe a little base jumping to get down to the city oh do i have a hell suit or the helipad uh to get yeah you could you can get out on a helipad i mean how how boss would that be that'd be awesome if you're like i take me from the airport just bring bring me home, good sir. Drop me off on the roof. I'm thinking your odds of dying in a helicopter are higher than the skydiving and the bungee jumping.

Owl, look it up. I don't need to. That's true. Yeah. In the meantime, let's move on to the Situation Room. The Situation Room. the situation realm i do appreciate al that you just know facts without looking them up that's a that's what a real man does all right do you have a favorite of these four situations that have been submitted to us al uh i have not not reviewed them, so I just thought I'd maybe toss it over to you to pick one. Nah, they're all good.

Go in order. Okay, this one is a big one. Hutch from Twitter says- You coward. You three are given a full four-foot diameter water balloon. That's four inches. Four-inch. Four-inch diameter water balloon.

You must stand in a- Four-foot water balloon? inch four inch diameter water balloon you must stand in a four foot water you must stand in a triangle starting about one foot apart from each other you must pass the balloon to each other until it is back at the starting spot each full rotation the balloon makes you receive ten thousand dollars and then you each take one step backwards all right you can tap out at any point and take the cash and run but if the balloon pops or hits the ground you lose it all how far do you think you can make it and at what point do you think you would bow out so there's just we each have a water balloon so we're all simultaneously no no one one it's just one. One. You throw to Mike. Mike throws to me. I throw to you.

$10,000. $10,000 for the group, not each. And then we take a step back. But it's one step per rotation backwards? Correct. I don't think we're going that far. Wow, we had exact opposite thoughts. What's defined very far?

There's too many variables at the water balloon, man. There's the throw and the catch, obviously. But this thing is, i don't know if you know this is filled with water i really believe in our skills at this i think we could do excellent work can i make a comment that might offend one of the three of us yes i'm worried about a weak link in this situation and i think it will be mike oh okay i'm not sure i no offense mike but i mean some offense i don't know if you've got quite the like jason i feel like me and jason could go for a long time but i broke your thumb with a football once and it's thrown into question whether you could you got what it takes to catch this water balloon interesting that is a completely different skill set of catching a water balloon.

You won't break your thumb. That's true. Yes, and it will not be an over-the-shoulder catch. Right. Well, maybe, you know, it could be. When you back up enough, eventually, don't think that the throw is going to be perfect. That's one of the mistakes here. The throw could be throwing a water balloon.

You know what? Back in the day. I don't have experience. Back in the day, I would have agreed with you. Back in the Honey Badgers football playing days. Okay. But over the last several years, we have pickleballed so much. What the hell is this?

I know it's not catching and throwing a ball, but it still is. Mike has become an athlete. Mike used to not be an athlete. He was an asthmatic. That's what we called him. That's true. Different word. Right.

But now I feel like the hand-eye coordination, the practice. Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm just saying. I think we'd smash this. How far would you go? I would go. I think the number that came to my head was 10 feet. I think we can get through 10 feet.

10 steps, $100,000. Because think about, you know, think about... Yeah, we can do this. Is this a good quality water balloon? Is this going to pop? Yeah, it's only four inches, so it's not overinflated. You'd have to throw it pretty hard. So you think 10 feet, which means 10 steps,

which means 100 grand? That's right. I can get behind that. I mean, I'm willing to go that far. Beyond that, that'd be tough to throw away 100 grand. Five feet is... That's easy. I that's you could almost you could almost hand that to each other nine okay you're right you're right nine feet ten feet is gonna be suspenseful you know what i mean right when you're at 10 you're gonna be so angry at the person that that screws

up yeah the real hard part what if it was 10K per throw? Because then it's like really on somebody for failing and you're like, because a full rotation, that's three full completion. Would you take more chances if it's just one more throw for 10K? If it's 10K per throw, though, you would have so much money at five feet.

I think Mike's right. I think $100,000 is a big enough number to say we're good. That's really only $33,000 each. I know, but our powers combined, we'll Captain Planet this into $100,000. You could get to $10,000 and go, you want more. I'm just saying, you've got to know when to fold them, man.

The anger at the person that fails, either via throw or catch, would be tremendous. Now, what if the catcher really genuinely is blaming the thrower who does not think they made a bad throw? And now the show is over because friendships have been destroyed. Which apparently I almost did just now. Because of money. No, that would be tough. I mean, I would. can you hedge these bets i mean no you can't hedge what well i just mean like i'll bet you i'll bet you 10 000 you won't catch this all right so you know what i mean because if he catches it i

got the money to pay him i see but that would be pretty bad if you lose if you drop the and had to pay 10k. All right. Kyra from the website. Like Keanu Reeves in Speed, you're forced to continually eat or a bomb goes off. Have you seen Speed? What food are you chowing down to save the world? Just like in Speed. And how long before we all die?

Okay. Because you die eventually. I mean, this bomb's going on. Yeah, I've seen seven. So you eat until the bomb goes off. So this is just a... What food... But I mean, people are... The thought process here is you're eating, and maybe you're saving some people's lives.

But so we need to define some parameters here. So by eating, it's just like i'm in the act of chewing or placing another piece of food into my mouth yeah yeah it's it's a continuous you can't be stopping and taking breaks and cleaning your hands i i think the first thing that comes to my mind is i'm i'm looking for low carb okay i feel like you don't want to be too filled exactly i want to last a long time here um and i feel like both fats and carbs are going to really fill me up quicker yeah i thought about peanuts but i think you're gonna get full oh yeah yeah that'll fill you up eventually like what about a popcorn are you so you're looking at size you're looking at something small yeah well i want

to be able to you to just continually go through. Are you one kerneling at a time? Yeah, of course I'm one kerneling. What? How would that not be allowed? I'm eating. I wonder how long. That's the crazy thing is if you were eating popcorn.

One kernel at a time. One or two pieces at a time. Like popcorn. How long until you die? It seems like you could do it forever. Like you could eat it slow enough. Could you be eating it slow enough to be pushing it out the other side? I think so.

Could you permanently eat popcorn? Are you saying, like, you're in a permaloop of, like, you're eating and then... You're eating on the toilet. You're eating on the toilet. Which, frankly, theaters... Think about this. Go on. You don't have to start on the toilet.

Eventually, you will be forced to move there because of all the popcorn. And then that popcorn. Now, the problem is popcorn doesn't digest well. No, I mean. No, it gives me diarrhea. Right. All right. It gets out quicker.

That's true. Less effort. Yeah. Could you be in kind of a permanent eating loop with certain foods? I mean, certain foods, absolutely. Huh. Like Hungry Howie's Pizza? Permanent loop?

Oh, man. Goes right through. Oh, yeah. I don't know what's in there, but it's just straight through. Now, I know that traditionally having a colostomy bag has been considered not desirable. Okay. It's not glamorous. It's not glamorous, nor it's not glamorous it's not glamorous nor it's not

being opted into however would that help the situation i don't think so no no you could keep up the the eating now eating would not be fun without getting full right because if you if you eat and don't i mean this, this is why regular ice cream is better than frozen yogurt because you feel the fullness. So if you were eating- Wait, that's the fun is you feel full? That's the worst part of eating.

I'm making the- It stops me from eating. No, but look, look, look, look. You guys are both very wrong here. And if you were- What? If you were thinking about this, part of what makes eating good is not just tasting it in your mouth. It's swallowing and feeling like you're being satisfied.

It's not just tasting it. Yes, it is. No, it's totally just tasting it. Oh, it's the taste. Yeah. Ice cream is better because it tastes good. Yeah, way better than stupid frozen yogurt. Yeah.

Because of how it tastes? I think that if you're... My point is if you're eating, and let's say immediately there's a system, that on the way down the esophagus, it just goes into a bucket. You're not going to enjoy eating very much. Like a skeleton? Sure. Yeah.

Like... Yeah, I mean, you're not going to enjoy eating. Because hitting the stomach is part of it. Okay, you're saying because in your situation you can't taste the food no well then you're wrong because that's the only you can taste the food yeah that's all that's the best part the best i don't care about getting full other than the like i don't think you're i think you're both wrong but like because hunger is satisfied not by the taste your hunger is satisfied by hitting your stomach and you feeling like that was delicious holistically, not just the taste. Sure, but I have never had a point where I'm eating something that's very delicious and I want to keep eating it.

And I'm like, man, you know, if only, hold on. So I get full and that stops me from eating the delicious thing that I want to continue to eat, but I can't. So I have to push it away and say, oh, I can't fit any more of this in my tummy, and I want to. I think it just works together. No, no, no, no. You're telling me that if you were hungry and you ate food and it did not satisfy your hunger, you're content? Oh, no. Okay.

No, but the best part. Yeah. Contentment isn't what we're after. Yeah. I'm after delicious taste. Deliciousness. That's right. Well, you have made that argument different,

but I was simply saying that that's a big part of it. Also, don't do that again. Do not get your hunger into the microphone. It's not an ASMR show. Did the producers want to weigh in at all on that discussion? I'm with Mike and Jason. Yes. So you don't think you need to be satisfied by the food?

I want to be satisfied by the food, but I'm satisfied by the taste. Enough? Yeah. If it tastes good. Yeah. I'm just saying like- I can keep eating because I'm not full. When you said that the reason ice cream is better than yogurt is that you get full on both my life well i don't i don't really get full but i know

what you mean um yeah impressive popcorn is the answer though right aaron i think so i don't know if popcorn is the answer i mean you might as well have like little bits of peanuts or something like that popcorn is probably going to do more damage downstairs definitely yeah i mean you don't need your you know how much butter i'm putting on this popcorn i mean the kernel the kernel is all of that's not meant to be digested there's little there's little pieces of that that's just we won't go on uh that was uh kira's question i actually think it would be an almond. Almonds. Oh, they'll fill you up, brother. That'll fill you up big time. But when you eat one almond, it can take five minutes to get that thing.

You're saying chew time. Yeah, chew time. Like a piece of popcorn. You put a piece of popcorn in your mouth, you're done. The next one's got to be on its way. I have to eat an almond for like a minute. For an hour. What does it do in

your mouth? It gets all up in your teeth. Is that part of the eating process? Is picking it out of your teeth? I don't think so. You've got to be active chewing. Yeah, I like that strategy. Aaron from Patreon. You are given a one-time option to replace any percentage of your memories

with real-world valuable knowledge, but you don't know which memories will be erased or which skills and knowledge you will obtain. Neat. What percentage do you opt into? 10% is a given. That's like, I'll do that. Yeah, see, I will easily do 10%.

You're willing to randomly lose 10% of your memories for a random amount of other knowledge. Well, that makes sense because you have so little knowledge now that you need something. I need some knowledge, and I think that the 10% would be worth it. You'd be on your way there to the rest of society. It's like, you know, 10% is filled. You know you could be a dairy farmer now.

Are you going to be super stoked about that? How disappointed will you be when you're like, of course, 10% it's filled. You know you could be a dairy farmer now. Are you going to be super stoked about that? How disappointed will you be when you're like, of course, you won't know what you forgot. I would be pretty disappointed on that. But it says, doesn't it say like that it's real world valuable knowledge? That's valuable knowledge. Let me ask you a question. How long did you date your wife? You think we're surviving without our dairy farmers dairy farming knowledge is not real world valuable

knowledge to me i think our jobs are not real world valuable knowledge how long did you date your wife before you got married uh three or four years three or four years why don't you pick one let's go you're the best at knowing this compared to me, so you make the decision. Let's go three. Three years, and you are, let's call it 40? Sure. So that's 7.5% of your life that was that period of time, and I assume you would not want to lose those memories.

I've already forgot them, man. Okay. All right. I live in a state. Did you hear how I didn't know how long we dated? You can't lose them. That's fair. That's a good point.

I know. I know. So this is. That can't be gone then. No, that can't be gone because it's already not there. But I know how to live a life where I don't remember my memories. I don't remember my childhood. I'm fine with that.

But that means that there's stuff that you are not fine losing the birth of your children remember that when i lose it i won't know no better i'll be fine but your kids will be like remember when i was born daddy and you'll be like no right and i'll be like no that's and you say but you know how to milk a cow i know how to do it let me let me show you where's bet Betsy? I guess. Look. Betsy's the name of the cow. Yeah. Okay. We just figured it out because Betsy is now a county.

You bet it is. Yeah. Sorry, Betsy. Come here, Betsy. Thank you for listening to the show. Different Betsy the cow. Betsy the cow. Am I wrong here to say 0%?

No. 0% was my initial reaction. But Jason makes a good point. I have forgotten a lot. And you're fine with the memories you've forgotten. You would still have 90% of everything you remember. But I could weld. But you could weld.

Exactly right. I don't know, man. I think I'm sticking at zero. Oh, man. I want to build something. Or milk something. You can learn how to do it. Yeah.

Instantly. That's the premise. Oh, man, I want to build something. Or milk something. You can learn how to do it. Yeah, instantly. That's the premise. You're telling me you can go learn right now. Go get in that chemical closet and learn something. All right, it's time to draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, we are drafting things to ruin your day. And I don't know if there's a 101.

I thought about this before the draft. I have the 101. But there's just one I'm going to go with. And it's diarrhea. I think diarrhea has the just all-encompassing ability to ruin your day physically. Yeah. And your schedule's out the door. Oh, that was your day yesterday.

Oh, man. My evening was ruined. Did you have to use one of those circle pillow thingies today? No. Because we got some. Look, diarrhea is just, it's going to ruin your day because not only when it happens you're worried that it's going to happen again right there's always that period of like yes there's some amount of hours where you're on high alert maybe the fire's not burning but the embers are there how long is this car ride yeah

oh i can't risk that so just scheduling planning doing anything like diarrhea is gonna end it so that's my 101 my 101 was gonna be crap your pants okay so all right so uh i think that's to basically what you were trying to accomplish yeah thank you for validating with the diarrhea uh so uh i will go so dang i thought you would go with clearly something else so i'm a little tilted over here the second pick yeah well i just was anything but diarrhea literally anything in the world to ruin your day all right he's had a lot of days ruined by crap in his pants. I'm not chasing. I'm going to go with the DMV. It's the classic for a reason,

because it's a very shared experience that everyone, if you've operated a motor vehicle, you've been to the DMV, and that place is a hell on earth. It's funny because there's there take a ticket we'll see you in six hours has anybody ever imagined there has to be a point in which the dmv doesn't have a line but nobody's ever seen it it's like a mythical beast like it's almost like they bring in actors to start the day now all of you take your places and we begin we open the dmv with there's got to be 11 people in line but what's's amazing is I have been to the DMV where it's basically empty. Walk up, you take the ticket, there's three people in the chairs,

and you're just, that's it. I'm like, oh, man. That's the private DMV club or is that a real one? I found the magic hour. And then 45 minutes later, my number's called, and I'm sitting there going, what are you doing? I hate the DMV. Yeah, so that's a good pick.

That'll ruin your day. You got to go to the DMV during part of your day? Come on. It is a really- Emissions testing? Neat shared experience, though, Mike. You're right. It's universal for everybody.

Thankfully, they're doing more online now. Why have we not fixed it? Everyone has been complaining about the DMV is a tale as old as time, and we do nothing about it. Yeah, it's not a private company. That's why. All right. Well, my first thing that I'm going to pick now that I'm up is, yeah,

as I'm approaching my 40s, this is more of a problem than it was when I was in my 20s. But you want to know what will really ruin a day and I'm saying day's over day's over as soon as you wake up you get out of bed and you pull your back up for no freaking reason you did nothing you went and grabbed a shirt and you pull your back out your day is over tweak your back in your bedroom. Yes. You tweak your back for no reason. Oh my gosh. And that's, it's totally acceptable to pull your back out doing something.

You're helping move. That's a great pick. You're helping your friends move. You step off a curb wrong. This oak credenza. Yeah, but you step off the curb and you throw your back out for no reason. And you're done. You're just done. That's a great pick. That's a're just done. That's a great pick. That's a day ruiner.

That is a great pick. All right. You get another pick here as we come back around. Mine is somewhat similar to your first pick, but it's a different one. It was my 101 on my list. Constipation? No. It's the exact opposite.

Well, that doesn't ruin your day. Well, I guess it can. Oh, yeah. It can. No, but this one is worse because this one spreads. It is the family stomach bug. When it's going around your house and everybody's got the vomits, that is the worst you you can't be around anyone it's gonna spread yep and all plans are over you don't know how long it's gonna last but you know it's coming

again and every time you start to feel better every time it's like i think i think i'm the stomach flu i think i'm better nope Nope. Nope. Very fair. All right. So throwing out your back, household stomach flu, that'll ruin a day. Mike, you're at the DMV, but after the DMV, you've got to do what? After the DMV, I have realized that I lost my wallet at the DMV. And it's one of these things where comparing it to, oh, everyone in my house is throwing up.

It sounds not nearly as bad until you really start thinking about what happens when you lose your wallet. The irony is you got to go back to the DMV. You're not. If you lost the DMV, that thing's gone. They're not giving it back to you. But any cash you had on hand, okay, that's instantly gone. Bank cards.

Now I'm calling the bank. Who knows how long I'm on the phone with the bank because I got to get all my cards canceled. I got to get new ones coming out. And you know where else I get to go back? The DMV because I lost my driver's license. And now I have to go back to hell and get all those things replaced like there the amount of valuable things that are in my wallet is absolutely ridiculous we're talking days multiple days where i can rectify this situation yeah it's a nightmare and while you wait for your new debit

card to come in the mail if it's lost forever, those are the worst. You got to go back to the 1980s and carry cash around. And I got to go into all my auto pay that I have set up. I got to go change the credit card number and all those bills. There is at least a silver lining there. Is it some of those? Well, yeah. Some of those that you don't remember, those just go away.

Some of them do, but also some of the bills I'll get. Oh, you late notice. Yeah. Didn't pay your bill. All right. So you're at the DMV. You also lost your wallet. Jason threw out his back, and he came down with some stomach flu.

I got diarrhea, and I got to make a couple picks. And so I have a number of them. I'm trying to play the game on what will come back to me i am going to go very simple here nope i'm gonna save that for my last pick i changed my i expect something very complex i'm going with yeah i'm going with a dentist appointment uh-huh so if you have an appointment what's that like dentist appointment uh-huh so they don't if you have an appointment what's that like because for one you're probably leaving in pain right you're in pain while you're there you're probably leaving in pain if not you're numb right right and that disrupts your day and it's an obligation nobody wants a doctor's appointment obligation you get the you get the dmv wait while

you're waiting to go back you wait wait in the little chair again. Then they come in and say, we're going to hurt you. And then you leave hurt. So I think dentist appointment would ruin my day. I don't like having to do that. And, um, my next pick, second to last pick,

man, I hate obligations. And there's so many obligations that fit the bill so i'm gonna have to say attending some other kid's birthday party yeah it's on my list and i know that that is your forte jason yeah but um you've built up more of a callous than we have because weekend ruiner it's just there's a there's a minimum amount of time you have to spend at these events you got to get through the presents and the cake and ice cream which i mean at least you get the cake i do get that but there's a lot of if it's not you feel nice

it's not your kid there's a lot of interaction with people i'm not interested in interacting with a lot of pretend smiling oh that's the face a lot of face is so sore after those stupid birthday parties from all my fake smiling around people i don't know you gotta wander around and say boy i like what you did with that that's a nice couch you got there oh cool wall um so so'm going to say the obligatory kids' friends birthday party. And it just soaks up part of your day. Your day's gone. Just delete it. Parents, start throwing birthday parties on, like, Tuesday night.

Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah, Tuesday night. Also, don't mind the destination ones as much. Yeah, like a Jump Street place, a bouncy house place on a Tuesday night. I also don't mind the destination ones as much. Yeah, like a jump street place, a bouncy house place on a Tuesday night because nothing's going on. You're not ruining someone's weekend. Oh, we can't get away for the weekend because stupid little Johnny that I don't know

has a birthday party on Saturday that my kid really wants to go to. That's the problem. Maybe make the kids not have any friends. That would be another key. Don't get it wrong. My kids' party is going to be on Saturday because they're awesome. Of course it is. All right, Mike, your third pick.

All right, with my third pick, I don't know if you guys have ever experienced this. Oh, no, yeah, we definitely have because we've had it happen together. When your flight gets canceled. Oh, that's a good one. Oh, what a great pick. I didn't think about that. Third round steal.

It is devastation. You're just completely out of your control. You can do nothing. It's congratulations. Either you are trapped in the city where you were. We got stuck in Chicago for multiple days that we did not plan to be there. And sure, we'll cover the cost of the hotel but you got to go through a whole bunch of hoops to get all that stuff figured out and you're stuck there and like you call work

hey i'm trapped here and and even worse than whatever i don't know if it's worse but if your vacation is planned and you go to the airport and your flight is canceled, you're not going. You lost today. I had an incredible trip planned with me and my wife and my father. We went down to Australia years and years ago, and it's like a week-long trip. Get to the airport. The co-pilot had broken his arm, and they could not find another co-pilot. We had to leave the airport, go to a hotel, come back the next day. I lost an entire

day of this dream trip to Australia. I bet you were angry too. I was pretty frustrated about it. There's nothing you can do. You can't fly with one arm? No. You need at least two. Wow. That's not more. Alright right jason you have your final pick all right my final two picks well the first one is easy and obvious to me because this is like

i i almost have a twinge of fear about this at all times because i know it's it's kind of like you know death it's it's out of your control it's just you know it's kind of like, you know, death. It's out of your control. It's just, you know, it's something that sometimes happens for no reason. And it is just terrible. And that is any water line break in your house. Okay. Just all of a sudden. The water goes out.

I'm talking about a leak. Okay, a leak. Under any sink, any uh bathroom all of a sudden you've sprung a water leak in the house for me this is a nightmare for so many reasons one you can't how do i turn off the power of the water one is where i don't i don't know right this moment i don't know where to turn off the water to my house. I think I do. And I would run there and I would turn that lever. Then I'd run back inside and it'd still be.

Is it a common thing? At least in Arizona. And we do this with our breaker boxes as well. I don't understand. The thing to turn off the water for my house. It's just on the side of my house. Anybody could do it. So anybody could just walk up to my house and turn my water off if my house. Yeah. It's just on the side of my house. Yeah, anybody could do it. So, like, anybody could just walk up to my house and turn my water off if they want.

Why do we do this? Well, I think in part because it's not an epidemic of things happening to people. Like, it seems to have worked out. Like, I don't think that there's a rampage of hooligans that have turned off people's water. Yeah, we got to teach... In fact, I've never heard of that in my life.

We got to teach some teenagers where the water mains are. I've always thought the same thing. What a good break, man. I mean, you're just walking through the neighborhood, turning off this house's water, that house's water. We did flip somebody's breakers once. Yes. As a gag.

I did do that one time. That proves my point. And we pretended we were robbing them. But I was a young... We had guns. What a goof. Yeah. So it was a very bad decision as a young teenager.

Andy tried to rob someone. Okay. The parents were not happy. Then you got to get a plumber out. You might have your water out all day. So I hate... No, that's great. Any kind of plumbing issue, I just can't stand.

I haven't had a pipe burst. I'm very thankful for that. O's that's not fun um the worst i had one underground that was the worst the worst um all right my last one this is a jason moore special it is something that ruins my day every single time that this happens it is not something that everyone can relate to oh i know what it is i know what it is but it is pillows didn't get fluffed it is being anywhere that is too hot oh my goodness if i have to go to a place and it is too hot there. I'm sweating. I'm not happy. We went on a vacation, a staycation, to this glorious resort, and it was just too hot, and I couldn't take it. I'm sweating.

I had a terrible time. I paid money to have a terrible time because I was too hot. I run hot, and I can't stand being any place that's too hot. So it's like you go to a children's birthday party, whatever. Oh, and the family doesn't have the AC on? Yeah, it's like. Oh, double trouble. Come on. That's when you sneak, I mean, I'll be honest, I'll sneak and change that thermostat.

Oh, I know, you do it at my house. I did it. But you do it the wrong direction. Dude, you froze me, man. Your house is so cold. Yeah. I was like cutting glass. All right, Mike, you are up your final pick.

Your flight's been canceled. You lost your wallet. You had to hit the DMV to fix that situation. I'm going to go with this is innocent, simple, and yet this thing will stick in your brain and grow and grow and this the virus will spread is because someone walks a friend walks up to you and says you did you put on weight wait so just like a comment someone makes a passing comment if you put on weight and then that thing will just fester and grow and grow by By the end of the day, you are furious at that person.

You are concerned about your body image. You're thinking about what I'm going to eat today. And you're just, it's over. And that has ruined my entire day. I was trying to kind of connect with this idea. And then I remembered that one time, a long, long time ago, someone said I had a pointy nose. Exactly.

And from that point on, I've hated my nose. And I'm like, wow, it is kind of pointy. It's like I never thought my nose was fine. I have never noticed how pointy your nose is. But I will never see anything else now, point nose face. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Point-nose face. So you're right.

I mean, that does stick. I thought you were going to say a song got stuck in your head. No. But no, this is way worse. Just one little. It is funny how we see. Someone doesn't think about what they're saying. They're not trying to insult you, but they just make a comment about your appearance.

Yeah, I could see that spreading out to things. Like if you do something embarrassing, anything embarrassing, it will stay with me the whole entire day. But for my final pick, I'm going to go very simple here because of the mind game that it will play on me the whole day. Because it's only happened a handful of times since I've been an adult. And it's the worst. If I forget to put deodorant on. If I leave the house in the morning and you have now written a check that your body can't cash, right? You forget your deodorant and there's no solving it. You have to now exist. You're paranoid. You never know if you you never know if you smell

the way you think you smell you smell worse you're doing sniff tests right and i had like two times in my life and it was at work on a couple times like when i worked at a movie theater right and you're doing a lot of like physical work and i built up a sweat and by midday oh i knew i smelled i knew. And everyone else did too. And you are spending your day trying to get out of proximity. You're wandering. It's almost like you're about to fart all the time. And you've got to stay at a distance in which that would be acceptable.

You were social distancing before that was a thing. Yeah, I mean, and it's like, how do you possibly? This is not a social situation you can explain. It's like, I smell really bad. Please can't, this is not a social situation you can explain. It's like, I smell really bad. Please stay away. That is not like something that works. So it's simple, but it would ruin your day for getting deodorant. I like it.

Very nice. All right. So we finished up the draft activities that will ruin your day. I did have, I wanted to throw out some of the others on the list. I don't know if you guys have those. Running out of coffee was on my list. Oh, yeah. Doing your taxes. Oh, yeah. on the list. I don't know if you guys have those. Running out of coffee was on my list. Oh, yeah. Doing your taxes on the list.

Yard work was on the list. Clothes shopping was on the list. Yard work in Arizona summer was on my list as well as hiking. Just awful. Which is a recreation activity for some. Right. I had break your phone. Your internet goes out. Oh, your phone, your internet goes out.

Oh, bad internet. The internet going out. And a real simple one, oversleeping. Oversleeping. There's a little panic that comes along with that. Set off a chain reaction of events that ruin your day. All right. What did we learn today? So many things.

What did we learn today? So many things. I think I was actually surprised to learn that the bungee jumping and the skydiving have equal opportunities of death. I did not know that. Yeah, because bungee jumpers die more. I learned that popcorn gives Mike diarrhea. That was something I was unaware of. I learned Jason is going to risk it all to learn how to become a farmer.

Yeah, he's going to risk his whole entire life and memories. Now, Mike, you still eat popcorn though, right? Oh, yeah. It's delicious. It's so good. He has diarrhea every Saturday morning. All right. That'll do it for the Spitballers.

Thanks for supporting the show. We'll be back with another episode very soon. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. very soon. Goodbye.