Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: We Are Google & Excuses To Not Do Your Chores - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

Spit Hit for February 22nd, 2024: On today’s show we learn about Jason’s lack of enthusiasm for the Grand Canyon and Brooks’ fear of hot air balloons. We also shed a ton of light on the difference between snot, mucous, and boogers. We shut it down with a draft of excuses to get out of doing your chores. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. The chappity-chop-chop-a-swing-a-ling-a-ding-ding! Always good when you break towards the end of your own scat because you're entertained by yourself when you're right when you're when you're hitting the scat it was fine if you just finished it without the it was a break it was still fine with the break but i'm saying like walking the spit wads through, whoever you... It's a complicated process.

No one out there. Look, we sit in the ivory tower. You have no idea what the pressure is like to hit a scat for multi-award winning the Spitballers podcast. And this is how the show starts. So you are... They say go. You're like, oh, crap. I don't have anything ready for this yeah and then you start and you're trying to make sounds or words come out of your mouth and at

the same exact time think of the next words and react to your own words and then realize how stupid what you're doing is right now i mean it's it's tough. It's spectacular. Yeah, excellent job. Job well done. Would you rather what's the difference? And we are drafting the best excuses for not doing your chores to not do your chores. So, you know, the kids out there. Yeah, we've got you. We're going to help you get out. Get out.

Also, my kids click the next go to the next. Oh, I mean, my list is coming straight from my kids. Yeah, they're teaching you. They've I mean, my list is coming straight from my kids. Yeah. Yeah. They're teaching. They've already taught you. This is the 224th episode of the spit ballers podcast.

Andy, Mike, and Jason with you. Al Borland is here and the judge in the, uh, they're not in the ivory tower over there. They're in deuces alley. Well, cause they've never experienced. Well, I guess owl has has, what, two? When's the last time Owl did a scat? Oh, it's been a while. I think we did it when it was episode 200, wasn't it?

No, there's a formula for it. It was like every 66 episodes or something like that. We've got to be getting closer. I think we're overdue. Yeah, I think we're overdue as well. Owl does not. Check the formula. Run the numbers. Yep, I'll check it out. Yeah, I'm sure you'reue as well. Check the formula. Run the numbers.

Yep. I'll check it out. Yeah, I'm sure you're going to need to see that formula. It's going to do really good math over there. I'm sure. I think we're overdue. Sounds good to me. Thank you, Mike.

I think we can just decide we're overdue. Let's go ahead and let's get into it. Would you rather? All right, Sarah from Patreon. Would you rather be blind in one eye or deaf in one ear? Wow, I've never really. So you lose all depth perception, obviously. You need the two eyes to have true depth perception but i guess you know if i close an eye like i still i feel like i can your

brain still sort of has it but i wonder how long would you keep it is there a like a auditory equivalent to losing your depth perception if you don't have both ears? Yeah, you can't hear in stereo. Oh, it's your left perception is what you'd be losing because you don't have to. Oh, man. Oh, man. Busted. Busted. I hate the fact that I think there's a clear hierarchy of senses, right?

Like, you know, not all your senses are equivalent. No, no, they're not. Like, you know, what are the senses jason you know this oh yeah yeah obviously there's a touch taste smell sight um those are some of them and uh that's four of how many six oh okay we're counting the sixth yeah well my sixth is time travel. It's not dead people? What am I missing here? The thing that you were talking about. Yeah, we were just talking about that.

Yeah, but I mean, clearly there are ones we would give up well ahead of other ones. Yeah, taste and smell are not, I mean, they're awesomely important. All of them are important, but they are a tier below sight and sound. But hearing, I don't want to diminish that side of it. I imagine I'm going to take, I want to see out of both eyes, and I'm going to take half the hearing. But it is very detrimental. And I have some family that struggles hearing, wears hearing aids. You know, where's hearing aids?

And it's tough because you get put into positions where, like, you would be surprised how much pretending you're listening to somebody you have to do or lip reading if you're hard of hearing because, you know, you're in these social conversations and everybody has this default level that they say, I'm speaking at this level and you hear me. And you can't have this confrontation at the beginning of every conversation. It's just so you know, I can't hear well. Yeah, I mean, I've got a close friend that has basically no hearing in one ear. Now, he has a hearing aid that he can wear, and it's so small, you can't tell when he's got it. In that ear, he wears it?

Yeah, he wears it in the other ear, so it's super powered. Well, I wondered if it was completely gone in one ear, you would do that, so you have a super powered ear. Wait, that is an interesting question. Is that something people do? No, I don in one ear you would do that so you have a superpowered ear and so that's wait that is an interesting question is that something people do no i don't know i would do that though if i had half my ears but it would just blow out the eardrum there's a maximum volume that you could put in that i hadn't thought about so anyways but now i now i have no good what about a 10 boost but anyway yeah you could you could you could crank it up a bit yeah without blowing out the e drum um but when you have this friend when he does not have the hearing aid literally I mean he can't hear you if you're on one side of him so I think it's actually I I lean towards having one eye my right eye right now has is much much worse than my left and for a period of several years i had like a

film over my right eye um which one my right right heart yeah no that's that's andy was with okay it's just a stupid podcast where we come on man roll with the punches well i just didn't understand i mean the jokes the joke's been so bad. Actually, Mike, no. It was a thin layer of mucosa. So, and, you know, I kind of got used to. The film? I got used to Braveheart. Because you're watching the same one over and over.

Because, I mean, I could tell you every word of that movie, front and back. I mean, I could tell you every word of that movie, front and back. So I lean that I think if you had one eye, you would adjust to the loss of true depth perception. And I believe you'd be pretty much living the same life. Whereas I think that you will be impacted more by not being able to hear half of your world. If you can't see out of one eye, do you think of yourself as a Cyclops? I would. I would definitely call myself a Cyclops, and I would make others call me that.

Because I'm sitting here, and I'm covering my right eye while we do the podcast, because I was thinking my right eye is covered. I might not see Jason, but it's not really a big deal. No, it's... I'm looking at this. I'm like, I'm like kind of, you know... You lose a little bit of peripheral vision. You lose, you you know it's obviously not better to have one but bug flies into your eye no that's a problem you don't have any backup oh yeah the old backup eye yeah that's what i always think of my right eye is my backup eye i imagine it would yeah i disagree with you completely good

um i think it would devastate you if you're playing sports or you're playing like you like to play pickleball uh-huh goodbye depth perception good luck in pickleball that's gonna be a problem i used to play pickleball without glasses i couldn't see anything you can make it work yeah i mean i if that's one way to describe your play that's fine i did look because i was curious according to Healthline.com anyways, which was the first search result. And that's as far as I will go on the Google machine. We dive deep. People.

So essentially, if you are blind and want to, you can legally drive in all 50 states. Okay. And in the District of Columbia. Thank you. I was like, Mike, Mike, what about DC? Nope. We're're good they're covered over there i want my i want both eyes i'll figure the i'll figure out the whole blowing out my eardrum with a with a booster over there i'm gonna go two eyes i'm gonna go monocular vision okay

cyclops and uh mike i'll go oh man i guess i'm keeping both my eyes. Really? I thought the music man would. The audio guy who cares so much about the quality of sound. Here's the thing. You know how you see the guys who are super muscular and jacked? They're at the gym. They're doing pull-ups. And you're like, wow, pull-ups are really hard. But then they're doing it with all the weights.

That's like me with two ears. Okay. So you're saying you'll be just fine with the challenge no i don't want to challenge let me tell you that's the challenge were to to step at my to my door everything would be fine is there scientific evidence of the kind of perception that your senses improve if you lose one of them i think there is yes so like i would go with yes but i don't know for sure i mean the first google results all you want to check on that i do know for sure that that is true and i based on nothing nothing i'm just saying maybe your right ear would would gain

like acumen the ability to hear because you lose one so you're going to have me more sensitive to hearing no it's the other senses they make up up for it. So now you can see better if you lose one ear. I can smell what's going on to the left of me? Yeah, exactly. Okay. According to Washington.edu. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

So people who are- It's a.edu. That's pretty good. Yeah, research has shown- It's not a.gov, but- Do you want a.edu.gov? No, go on. Research has shown that people who are born blind or become blind early in their life often have a more nuanced sense of hearing.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm opening this can up right here right now. If that's true, and the science proves it thanks to Washington.edu or whatever you're at, does that mean that we as parents should be eye patching and covering the ears of our children to hone their senses and then you give them you know super senses well the problem is when you just want like one really strong eye if you're going ears and one eye okay so a full blindfold for a week to make their hearing better cover their ears for a week to make their sense of the smell better the way that i understand that it works is your brain is actually like

essentially giving more real estate to what's lost. So if you then gain back your sight, you lose it. I didn't want the real answer. I wanted the superhero type of like riffing. Then don't come to the Spitballers podcast where we know everything and we give much learning. All right, Matthew from Twitter. Would you rather be stuck in a mall for 24 hours with 15 swarms of 100 wasps?

I like how we have to say how big the swarms are because we wouldn't understand it. Stuck in a mall for 24 hours with 15 swarms of 100 wasps, two Bengalengal tigers are 100 000 scattered mosquitoes i mean it's i'm not picking tigers no that's out but no the tigers is the easiest one to avoid oh yeah oh yeah you can't get away from them tigers you you here's okay here's here okay we need some ground rules then. Like, is every store closed? Are the fire exits where the back halls are? Oh, you're going to barricade yourself? Or just go through a door because these are not velociraptors. They cannot come in.

Oh, man. I didn't think about the door. The stores are closed, but the concourse is open top and bottom. Okay. Okay, so this is this is actually funny i i missed the part that we were in a mall for 24 hours at the beginning of the question i know but i where did you think i thought we were stuck in a room i thought we were in a room with the tigers are out yeah if you're in a room then the tigers are out they're gonna get stuck in a

tiger cage um yeah i mean honestly it's it's got it's got to be the tigers because of that whole door thing i mean the fact that you can say excuse me you can't do that now you didn't hear me rephrase it the the door all the stores are closed you're in the concourse oh okay so you can you can try to like obviously escalator, I don't know if that's an issue for a big cap, probably not. Nope. You could not. And maybe you could get in the elevator. But I want to be there with the 100,000 scattered mosquitoes because I'm just going to put some

extra clothes on. No. No, they will find you. Through the clothes? Oh, they will find your face. Really? Mosquitoes? Unstoppable.

Yeah. I think that they can go through walls. Can they open doors as a group? They don't need to. They can go under the door crack. They teleport. They will find your carbon dioxide and they will come and they will bite you. I don't know how mosquitoes can go underneath comforters,

but I know they can because i wake up with ankle bites that for sure were not there bed bugs no mosquito bites so listen bed bugs yeah those were spider bites listen i hate to tell you that spider bites aren't itchy i've been informed i can't i can't get any other clothes from the stores the The stores are closed. So I'm starting over. Yeah, you don't want malaria. The wasps are I mean, that's too many wasps. Well, not only that, but all of these can kill you

in certain different ways. The mosquitoes can kill you? Mosquitoes playing that long game. You're going malaria on me. You're going malaria on me. How many times do you have to go malaria on me? The only one of the most deadly viruses in the entire world. They can treat me for it after the mall trip.

Can they? Yeah. I guess it's only 24 hours. Yeah, malaria is treatable. All I know is it's not just malaria, but mosquito-borne diseases kill 725,000 people a year. That's way more than tigers. Right. Tigers is probably like five. Those people did not have to deal with 100,000 mosquitoes.

Yeah, they did. At a, what? Not trapped inside of a mall. Yeah. Yeah, but like in the world, just in the earth. I mean, just maybe millions. This mall, it's a two-story mall, right? Yeah. I can't get away from the Bengal tigers if the stores aren't open. I mean, just maybe millions. This mall, it's a two-story mall, right? I can't get away from the Bengal tigers if the stores

aren't open. I can't. What's the worst way to go? The tiger. Let's say you go all three ways. The wasps. I think it might be the wasps. No, I'm going tiger. Because a tiger is a pro killer. It's going to go for your neck and it's going to be quicker than you think.

It's going to be horrific. It could not be. Well, sure, it could use me as a chew toy. That would suck. That's what I'm saying. But what possible way? The mosquitoes is not that bad. That's that by a thousand cuts. The wasps?

The wasps would be painful. The wasps would be a nightmare. I mean, they might go in your mouth. You could have said one swarm of 100 wasps, not 15 of them, and that would have been too many wasps. I mean, you could have said one wasp, and that might have been too many. You could have also just said 1,500 wasps is another way to say 15 swarms of 100 wasps. I would have been.

Yeah, but we teach. We're mathematics. But they're individualized. There's just 15 groups throughout. Oh, they're separate? They're not one swarm? No, because there's 15 swarms. They're competing for you't they're not one swarm no they're because there's 15 swarms we're competing for you they're like rival gangs yeah they've got their territory they're gonna be coming out snapping here comes

here comes group number four uh like man i mean impaging the scientists here oh no what is what's the deal with wasps well i don't like that they don't what do they do I don't like that they don't sacrifice themselves on a sting no that's something that I think you know God got right with the bee the honeybee wants to sting you and he pays the ultimate price yeah because there's a cost right it's like I'm gonna

protect the hive at my own expense I give my butt yeah kamikaze bee but then the wasps come out and check this out bees they're just like watch this watch this still alive still alive so i guess the wasps are like they're out there taking care of other pests so i was saying yeah wasps provide us with free eco-friendly natural pest control services. What pests? The wasps are the pests?

Yeah, they are the pests. The wasps are the pests. This isn't the old lady who swallowed the flies situation. No, no, no. They take care of so many flies for us. All right, welcome to cockroach pest services run by the cockroaches. What do they know? That wasn't my answer.

You asked the scientists. i was just passing it along was that the top google you're damn right it was um the wasps are out for me i'm between the the the two bengal tigers and the mosquitoes because i do think the mosquitoes if we're only in this mall for 24 hours i'm gonna get diseases i know that my own shirt i'm gonna do that thing as a kid where you pull the shirt over your knees and you suck your arms in and you put your head in. A hundred thousand. But a hundred thousand in the mall. Not a hundred

thousand are going to all find and eat you. How fast are mosquitoes? They will find you. They have to be. Are they faster than a Bengal tiger? No. Here's one other thing. No. You can start trying. You know how many mosquitoes I can kill here? Oh.

I mean, the average flight speed of a mosquito is one to one and a half miles an hour. I mean, I will kill. That's slow. I can run faster than that. I will kill thousands of mosquitoes, and I'm going to give back. I'm taking the mosquitoes. Final answer. Could you run?

You know how many tigers I can kill? None. If you run sprints to one end of the mall, go down the escalator, run sprints the other side, the mosquitoes will never catch you. For 24 hours? That's what I was going to ask. Can you do it for that long? Can you do sprints for 24 hours?

How fast is a human walk? Let me drop that to one hour. No. If a Bengal tiger was chasing me, yes. One hour at least. There's a point where you just run out of gas and you turn around and you put your arms down. Average walking speeds are two and a half to four miles an hour. I'm just walking back and forth.

But you're walking into other mosquitoes. Oh, because they're separate rival gangs. There's a hundred thousand of them. They will find you. Stupid question. But I'm still taking out so many. I mean, I'm'm that just enrages them more oh give me a break enraged mosquitoes they can't handle me definitely out and the tigers

are out so i'm going mosquitoes yeah chloe from the website would you rather take a hot air balloon ride over the serengeti remind me what that serengeti is. I think it's a desert. But that also sounds like the Sahara Desert. What is the Serengeti? The Serengeti is like the plains of Africa. Yes. Okay. So like a desert. I mean, no. Not really. No? It's not? No. That would be the desert of Africa. Yeah.

There's like the watering holes. I mean, maybe it's a desert. I don't know. It's the plains. Like where the Lion King is. Yeah. That's in the Serengeti. Everything it's a desert. I don't know. It's the plains, right? Like where the Lion King is set. Yeah, that's in the Serengeti. Well, everything the light touches. Let me tell you what the first Google result is. The Serengeti is a semi-desert grassland that is predominantly. Oh, semi-desert grassland.

It's a semi-desert grassland. That's why it's the Serengeti. Maybe it's semi-deserted. Like there's not a lot of people there. Is that a savanna? Let me finish the question all right hot air balloon ride over the serengeti or a helicopter tour of the grand canyon so this is this is a positive question this is like which do you prefer and and we've already gotten word from the judge who is on microphone i think yeah you've got a fear of uh of hot air balloons i i can't believe that's

a thing still to be honest really why why is that i don't know isn't that terrifying to go up in that thing and i can't believe that's a thing i see like 12 of them out in the morning out here people do it all the time and you're you just think that that's is it the lack of like an engine yeah there's that's because you're just the. The height. It's powered by science. I mean like it's, but hold on. You're probably safer in a hot air balloon. I mean,

you are safer in a hot air balloon than a helicopter. Nah. For sure. I'm not, I don't buy it. I control my own destiny in the helicopter. Keep me away from those death machines, those hot balloons.

I mean, if I'm in a helicopter, which I've never done, Those hot balloons. I mean, if I'm in a helicopter, which I've never done, I'm putting my odds of vomiting at 85%. I think you're going to say like 800%. Eight times. No, I think there's a small percentage chance that maybe I don't.

This to me is not about the form of travel. I'm fine. This is not form of travel. I don't care which way the travel is. You're going beauty. If you told me helicopter over the Serengeti versus hot air balloon over the grand canyon i'm taking the serengeti in both i think it would be maybe maybe we're a little bit jaded we're out here in arizona we got the grand canyon and it's beautiful but there are not lions to my knowledge in the

grand canyon or giraffes yes or rhinoceroses or anything. Rhinoceri. Rhinoceri. First Google result. Let me tell you. Is it just rhinoceros? I'm going to tell you. The idea of like. Like moose. Floating over the Serengeti.

Now, in Brooks's hot air balloon, it obviously goes down and you're eaten by lions. But in mine, it's a pretty nice trip. Just wait till the rhinos are shooting at you. Plus, they do play music over the Serengeti, so like the lion king soundtrack i mean it would be awesome okay so this is incredible on the plural of rhinoceros okay the plural rhinoceros it is either rhinoceros or rhinoceroses yeah it's like moose or mooses no both, mooses is not allowed. Yeah, mooses is out. But this says rhinoceros or rhinoceroses. And if you've never said rhinoceroses before, try it out.

Because it feels super weird. Right now, just say it with me, rhinoceroses. That's more like fish or fishes. Because both of those are fine. But fishes works because when you're talking about multiple species of fish or if you're swimming with them yes yes if like at the end of your days but i've is anybody taking the grand canyon here i'm not taking the grand canyon i think it's extremely overrated why what yeah it's no it's not overrated it's not overrated yeah no you're a team big hole

i i think it is beautiful. When's the last time you've been? Two years ago. That's pretty recent. Yeah. Were you looking at the Grand Canyon, or did you go drive somewhere else? No, it was like a big canyon. It's a mountain.

No, we went up to the Grand Canyon, and you go out, and it looks almost like a Photoshop thing. It's really crazy. It's like, oh, this is pretty cool. Okay. This is Mr. Na, this is pretty cool. Okay. This is Mr. Noten. Hold on. Then I'm done. This is no Mr. Noten Museums.

I forgot. He can't appreciate standing somewhere for more than a couple minutes. I totally appreciate. Where's my 3D glasses? I totally appreciate awesome things. Where's the show start? The Grand Canyon is overrated because people come from all over the planet. Because it is a wonder of the world.

Yes, it's an extremely big hole. But the beauty of Hawaii with lushness and oceans coming in and volcanoes, that is so much cooler. It's cooler, but it's not more unique because you can get that all over the world. Yeah, there's a lot of beaches. There's one big hole, and we got it. I feel like Sedona is... That's Arizona's new slogan.

We got the big hole. We do. We did it. You can't do it. Sedona is more beautiful new slogan. We got the big hole. We do. We did it. You can't do it. Sedona is more beautiful than the Grand Canyon. Not true, but it's beautiful. Sedona is pretty amazing. But I can't.

It's hard because you don't appreciate any museums. I appreciate science museums. You've said the same thing about museums because you go into them, you look at something, and then you go, what do I do now? Yeah. Most of them are super look at something, and then you go, what do I do now? Yeah. Most of them are super overrated. I agree with you. We're not going to win this one, Mike. It's fine.

But we're all taking the Serengeti, right? Yes. Okay. Yeah. And also- If they fly in some of the African animals to live in the Grand Canyon? Because semi-desert. Right. Full desert.

The other thing is hot air balloons are awesome. I've never been up in one. I've been in them a couple times. They are really, really cool. They are a nice way to travel. Do you ever feel like you can fall out? No, no. You can't.

Because it's so deep, right? You can jump out, but you can't just fall out. It's like, that would be like falling out of your car. Like, I don't fall out my window. I could climb out my window, but you're not going to. The only downside to hot air balloons is, this kind of speaks to Brooks, air balloons is this kind of speaks to brooks um you can't the landing is a lot of guesswork it's like they think so there's usually like a jeep on the ground that's gonna follow you and

meet you wherever you land because you know this isn't like x marks the spot and we'll put it down right there. You're at the mercy of wind and things like that. I've always wondered. And then when you actually go in for the landing, you're not usually coming straight down, at least the two times I've been in them. Two times. Is it tuck and roll? You're traveling.

And then the people meet you there, and they're going to try to grab that basket before it turns over. Before it turns over? Yeah. Yeah. Well, like the basket's going to fall. Yeah, but on the ground. It's a bumpy landing.

It's a bumpy landing. Which I've heard is the same with like if you go skydiving. Isn't that a little rough landing? Yeah, it's a bit rough. Now, you've been, but you haven't been solo. Correct. Okay. You ever been on a solo oh hot air balloon right i'm the pilot no and did you go around the world in 80 days i

have not yet done that that would be foolproof though right of all the things to accidentally end up in control of the hot air balloon is just stop putting hot air in it and you'll go down right yeah yes if you want to land a plane or land a hot air balloon choose the hot air balloon is just stop putting hot air in it and you'll go down, right? Yes. If you want to land a plane or land a hot air balloon. Choose the hot air balloon? Choose the hot air balloon. Okay. I've watched the guy do it. He just stops putting air in it.

So what is it? How long is the training seminar to become a hot air balloon pilot? What if with his flatulence it never lands? Oh, no. I could keep this. Is my flatulence that hot? I do run hot. I just wonder if every time you're trying to land you just i would just have to wait back up i'd have to wait

for summer and once it's hot outside i'd be i could land hit another thermal and i'm just being spammed with pictures of people sideways on their landings yeah it's it's a real thing ow we almost went sideways is there uh do we should we do one more or move on? Isn't there like an anchor or something they can use to prevent this problem? An anchor? Like you throw over a big ship anchor about 20 feet above the ground? Oh, that's actually a good idea. And you'd put it out the direction that you're traveling away from. And then it drags the ground a little bit?

Wait, no, I'm realizing that then you're going to eat it because when the anchor extends to its locked position. You just swoop down. You're toast. What do you think, Al? Let's move on. Okay. Okay. What's the difference between me and you

well let's get more sophisticated no time for learning and to be clear no google results for this one we don't need it don't read it we are google what is we are google my middle name what is the difference between boogers, snot, and mucus? This is easy. Yeah, it is pretty obvious. There's one that seems to be troubling to me. The boogers are more solid. Is there any moisture content allowed in a booger?

Yes. You can't have anything in your nose without any moisture. But does the booger itself have moisture, or is there just mucus around the booger yes there you can't have anything in your nose without any moisture but is the booger itself have moisture or is there just mucus around the booger so if it were to be you know emitted from dinostral if you want to know what a booger is i think the easiest way to think about it is is this like a raisin and if it is that's a booger i was gonna say can you flick it can you i can flick I can flick a raisin. You can't flick no snot. No.

No, you can fling snot. You could also hawk a loogie. You sure? That is also a fact. It's not in this question at all. But you could. It involves mucus. You could also jump over a box.

So that's 202 stuff. We're at 101 right now. Sorry. That's a different class. So boogers are they have a solid formation you can flick them and they look like a raisin i'm not sure if it looks like a raisin yeah i mean uh boogers i mean it looks like a race it could be a bigger man i'm saying it could be a small raisin they don't have to all be you know real large grapes here but um yeah the booger is like

a raisin okay um now snot liquidy all liquid drippy drippy yeah mucus help me out thick wait mucus and snot are not the same thing no that is i've used that as pretty unanimous you've been misspeaking your entire life what if you blow into a Kleenex and boogers and snot come out together? Isn't that mucus? Nope. Nope. Wait, what's mucus? It has to be thicker? Yeah. I think this is a bunch of hogwash. We're just telling you the

facts. So there's a point when mucus could become snot if it thinned out? Absolutely. And usually what happens is some of the mucus will turn into snot and leave you. The rest will stay behind as mucus. And what do you have going through your system right now? Just mucus?

Yeah. Because I can't see you. I can't tell you for sure. It's a real Schrodinger's cat. Snot and mucus at the same time. And I could have boogers in there too. Yeah, absolutely. Is there a socially acceptable way to get rid of a booger?

Because nobody wants a booger, right? There's no one out there seeking out the booger nose. Yeah. Like, oh, man, I got one in there. Now what? There is a socially acceptable way, and it's to do it when no one can see you. That is the only socially acceptable way. And when you do that, you can dispose of it in any number of ways.

You can drop it on the floor. You can flick it. Wipe it on the seat underneath. You ever done the bottom of the seat? Yeah, I mean, look, I'm not too proud to say I've done the bottom of the seat before. Yes. How many flicks until you give up? And then go to wipe it?

Yeah. Oh, this is not a booger after all. It's usually four. It's usually four, but sometimes I get determined. Sometimes it- You won't be defeated. It really is one of these- You can roll a booger, though.

Oh, yeah. You do the thing where- It gets rid of the moisture. You do the thing where- Somehow. Let's say it's on your finger, and you take your other hand to flick it. Wait, you've done that? Oh, yeah.

And then you flick it hard, and it's on the other finger. It sticks to the other finger. You're like, what material is this and how can we manufacture? That's a science. This is some great material that my body is producing. And those things are probably still on us somewhere. They have latched on. You've never gotten rid of that one.

My back is covered in little tiny boogers. Oh, bro. Of all the childish conversations that we have. Somehow this one felt like the absolute worst. I agree. We talk about poop all the time. but you get into boogers. I mean, boogers, man. What am I, a toddler?

You don't grow out of boogers, and yet you pretend you do. As kids, they're not afraid to admit, I've got a booger. Yeah. Jump. See, here's the thing. You know, there's a phrase that you can fart in front of those that you love. Yeah. Right?

That's a phrase? Yeah, that's a phrase. You never heard of front of those that you love yeah right that's a phrase yeah that's a phrase you never heard of that yeah i mean i've never heard of the phrase but the reality exists no no no no there's a phrase yeah uh fellas back there the producers have you ever heard that phrase i have not wait okay not as a phrase but i I agree with the statement. He's Googling. Yeah, I am. Is this a phrase? What do you think?

Is it Shakespeare? Yeah, I don't know. Where's this coming from? Well, anyways, it should be a phrase. I was shocked that he just once said it. No, this gets to be my quote now. You're okay. My quote.

Put it out everywhere on the internet. First result, you could fart in front of those you love, Jason Moore. But my point is, it's kind of like a rite of passage. You're around your buddy and you could fart. Which happens first, the booger pick or the fart? No, that's what I'm saying. We were getting this studio long ago. This was an empty room.

We had our cameras set up. I'm doing roundhouse fart kicks in front of my two close friends. They're pretty impressive. I don't want to pick my nose in front of you. Right. That feels so much worse. Is that like only if a marriage gets to like 25 years, you can start booger picking? Oh.

You hit like the golden anniversary, then there's the booger anniversary? And then once you get to like 60, 70, you have to pick each other's noses. Yeah. Oh, but you, no, that's against. I don't think. That's against the law. You can pick your friends. But you can't pick your friends' nose.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. Yes. But you can't pick your friends' nose. That's a phrase. Jason Moore. What is the difference? Just going to claim everything you like. All right.

Between being stunned, surprised, and shocked. Stunned, surprised, and shocked. Okay. Okay. Stun. If you're stunned, you can't move. Right. And oftentimes it is with a stun gun.

Sure. That is one of them. I've seen people get stunned. And what's the first thing you notice? They can't move. Yes. Now, usually you're surprised by the stun gun. Right.

But because you're immobilized. It's just officially a stun on the record. Because I don't think people get surprised and certainly not shocked. Shocked has to have moved. All three of those are a stun gun. Yeah, a stun gun also shocks. So maybe we take the stun gun out for a minute since all three of them are the same for a stun gun. But we wouldn't call it a surprise gun.

Surprise! You're on the ground. We should, though. Yeah. It's probably move more units. Like, this one's tough. I'd buy a surprise gun. Surprise! Surprised! Boom! You got zapped. It's probably move more units. This one's tough. I'd buy a surprise gun. Surprise.

Surprise. Boom. You got zapped. Stunned and shocked. So stunned and shocked. I'm trying to put myself into like, I'm seeing cartoon reactions to these. And with stunned, you are not moving and you're on your back of your heels. I feel like you've gone back to.

Okay. Are your toes up? Your like you've gone back to. Okay. Are your toes up? Your toes are up, and your arms are straight. But somehow you're not falling over. And I'm stunned. Okay. But then. Your hands go up when you're shocked.

You know what I mean? Okay. When you're shocked. Like this? Like on your head? It can be like jazz hands. It can be on your head. It can be.

But your hands can't stay down. I feel like hands go up on a surprise, though, too. That stunned me. That shocked me. What is the difference? Shock? I think a stun is... We got that one.

You're not moving. You got a bit of a paralysis. Shocked, though, there's a little bit of pain. Oh, really? Yeah. I've been shocked. You shocked me. shocked me yes yeah i can see that i mean i certainly every time i touch metal and get shocked i'm in a little bit of pain but like it can just be emotionally surprised is in its own category well surprise has really grown over the

last 200 years because of mostly uh the the parties the parties yes the surprise parties have really turned um a surprise into a good thing like that surprises me that you would say that see that's the original usage oh really about 200 years and then it just turned into parties and then it just turned into well not just a surprise party can you appreciate it i've been surprised partied once in my life and um i mean it's like other people opting you into you spending your time at something when you don't know yeah i hate that i mean that sounds awful um but they're doing something nice for you it's so kind so kind of them can you opt out of your own surprise party at the surprise like you certainly

thank you goodbye you certainly enjoy yourself can but there there's going to come with ramifications there you act stunned and then you fall over and then medical condition yeah and then you got then you get ambulanced out of there oh good yeah it's worth it so it's an expensive way out of your own surprise have you had a surprise party thrown for you? I have. I've had one. Did you enjoy it? Were you happy? And were you really surprised? Or did you know it was coming?

I had no idea it was coming. I almost blew up the surprise party because it involved a trip down to Tucson to see my college friends. And then I was greeted by, like, we got time to go. I can't remember what was, a bunch of life stuff was happening. I was like, ah, do we even really want to do this anymore? Which I'm sure my wife was. Oh, so you almost didn't go on the trip. Correct.

Yeah. She had to kind of like persuade you? Yes. Yeah, of course you do. Okay, all right, let's go. And then, yeah, I mean, it worked out because I was going down to see my friends anyways and but then there was just happened to be a surprise party for me so it was it worked out i got just i got you were obligated already i already knew i was going to see the people i wanted to see and and then we celebrated me that's the way to do a surprise party so you're going to

the restaurant so you're going to eat anyway so might as well have your friends there with you yeah no that's not like i'm going home at the end of the night right i'm so excited to relax and then you open the door what a surprise party to do to somebody like how we got to buy time i'm gonna take this person well we're gonna hit the gym we're gonna do all this stuff and we're gonna be out till 11 p.m and then we'll do the surprise party man you guys want to do one more real quick what's the difference between being ripped buff and yoked ripped buff and yoked yoked is steroids right 100 that's the i mean you're yoked out you're too big yoked is too big yoked is unnatural unnatural and therefore it is roids i i imagine we have pulled that phrase.

This is like yoked, like an ox, right? Yeah, not like the egg. Right. Right. Yeah, because there's no L in this yoked. But yoked. So we're saying that someone is so big, they could pull a wagon like an ox. They could pull a wagon like an ox.

Okay, so we're on to it. You have to be gigantic. You have to be gigantic. You have to be gigantic. And usually it's unnatural. It's unnatural. The only way to get yoked by not using steroids is sometimes you could fool people. Your body is not really big enough to be yoked, but your attitude is so bro that people just go, oh, yeah, he's yoked because I assume he does steroids.

That people just go, oh, yeah, this is yoked. Because I assume he does steroids. Yoked is the part where other people other than that person say, why would you even want to look like that? It's so big that you're like, oh, gosh, that's even too big. You want to know what I want to be? I want to be ripped. Yes.

Ripped means definition of the muscles to me. Yeah, ripped is way better than buff. Ripped is lean. Ripped is the muscles are ripping out of your body yeah i feel like you could yeah it's it's clearly defined lines everywhere where the muscles are drawn onto you and very vascular you're gonna buff buff is like in a shirt buff is oh that guy's kind of buff you just know buff is just you're strong yeah buff is yeah you're a little bit thicker i think the biceps come into play with buff for sure for sure you can't be strong everywhere else and not have big biceps and be buff okay uh so like guys in world's strongest man competition because those dudes are not ripped

no they're not ripped but they are they're they're buff they're or yoked well right depending on depending on the contest yeah but so i'm just saying so those guys could be just buff. Yeah. Yeah, they're buff. They can be just buff. I really think the difference between being buff and being

ripped is a body fat percentage. Yes. That's what it comes down to because both are very muscular, in shape, strong people.

But if you've got enough fat content where you don't look like you have a swimmer's body then you're buff if you are um a lean low body fat percentage like dad bod can be buff yeah dad bod is totally buff all right dad bod's not gonna be ripped no goodness no maybe when he was younger yeah because you could be buff without a six pack. Right. You know what I mean? But every buff person does have the right to say, I could be ripped if I wanted to.

Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just a little bit more diet. Especially while you're taking the cheeseburger bite. If I really wanted to. Yes. Yes.

I've noticed so much. You have the problem. So much soothing in my own life goes around what I could do if I put my mind to it. We know. The potential is there. We're mentally strong enough if we choose to do it right. I could make the NBA. I could lose weight.

Okay, well, let's hold on. What just happened? You can't make yourself taller. Or younger. If I could be one of these three in real life it would have to be yoked oh really but we've just we've we've clarified you you can get there well i could if i wanted to but i don't want to oh so you know what i want just saying steroids well i'm sure owl knows a guy that's true i got you yeah yeah yeah and let's move into this kid-centered draft

the spitballers draft all right today's episode features a draft of the best excuses you can use to not do your chores so we were kids at one point in time back when we were ripped and uh we have kids so we've been around the when we were ripped. And we have kids. So we've been around the block. We've heard them. We've heard them all. And there are some strategies that youngsters can take to get out of their chores. Just youngsters?

I mean, don't you have chores? Don't I have chores? Sure. I'm going to try to get out of my chores. Some excuses apply to youngsters better, but there are excuses for all sorts of chores. That's fair. That's fair. So, Mike. Yeah, you are up. First pick. Okay, so the best excuse not to do

my chore is because I was trying to think of this like from the parent's perspective, it can be difficult to argue with some of these things. Sure. And if they say, I've got to help my sibling do something. Oh, helping the sibling.

Altruism. Yeah, I'm like, oh, man. They're going to work together to get something done. And I want that. And I really want that. That means they're not fighting. Okay. All right.

We can hold off on the chore. Helping the sibling. That's a good way out. Okay. That's a good excuse. Jason? Yeah. Yeah. I like that man so i'm gonna go with i'm gonna go with the most comments since we're at the top of the draft i'm just gonna go with like you know the the meat and potatoes here i didn't know there was

oh there's a meat and potatoes it's being sick dang it you're sick dang it i have feeling sick slash i got a headache yeah i got a headache line whatever how do you argue with that whatever is your ailment you have some kind of ailment you know i'm sick i can't do it i'm gonna throw up i don't feel good blah blah nonsense all right that's good one. It was my next pick for sure, which means I'm going to have to go with one. It's a little similar to Mike's only in that the parent would have a harder time arguing with it. Ooh, an even harder time.

I'm going to go with, I was just sitting down to read. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one. Oh, mom and dad,

I was just sitting down to read. I mean, goodness, if I could get my kids to read more and be off the computers and stuff, they only read when the chores, when it's chores time. I was just going to read. I've found that apparently the best time for reading is, in fact, 30 minutes after you were supposed to go to sleep. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's the only time you were supposed to go to sleep. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the only time you're... I need to read. It's only good if it can keep you from having to sleep. Or do chores. Or do chores. Which, my next one is kind of a follow-up. It's in the same vein. And, look, I have been victim to it, and I don't know how to argue this.

I don't know how to win this one. Because, for goodness sakes, I can't get them to do this. But, hey, son, why don't you help me with the dishes? Sorry, Dad. I've got homework. Yeah. I've got homework slash I need to study, right? Like, well, shoot.

What am I going to do? I'm going to stop you from doing your homework so you can come help me? Yeah. That's a homework excuse. That's a tough one. That's really tough. I feel pretty good getting the back-to-backs here on this one. Okay.

I'm going to go with one that I couldn't argue with it. And maybe some parents out there, you're a monster. Maybe not. But I'm going to go with It's My Birthday. Oh. Yeah. Making me do chores on my birthday. It only works once a year year that's good but that

was it is but also wait you're assigning your the the more household which has the now legendary birthday week you're telling me that you two assign chores to your children on their birthday no i'm i would never okay i that's the monsters that do that other people that i'm telling you that that is a foolproof way out and and maybe you could try it in a couple other days of the year put a little shock in your parents be like mom it's my birthday oh man what yeah that What? Yeah. That's a good one. It reminds me of Clifford. Anybody remember that movie?

The Big Red Dog? No. Oh, with Martin Short? Yeah. Clifford, your birthday was six months ago. I haven't thought of that movie in 30 years. Yeah, it's... Grandpa.

Yeah, it's a little dated. That came out when we were young. All right, Mike, you have two picks now. All right. Two excuses for not doing your chores. I know the first one because no matter how many times this excuse is given, they keep trying it. I already did it.

No! Yeah. That was on my list. Yeah. I already did them. Yeah. That buys you some time for sure. Yeah. Hey, go clean up your room. I already did them. That buys you some time for sure. Hey, go clean up your room.

I already did. Yeah, and then you go check it. And then you have a decision as a parent. You could go all the way up the stairs over the dog gate and confirm or just take their word for it. And you're like, oh, man. It's so far away. You need chore checking cameras or something

yeah that's a good one because what can happen there is they can get away with that and then do them in a little bit yeah and then you might as well have done them in the beginning yeah it's dang it that was one of my go-tos that's definitely was a top on my list all right and then this one is legit as and there's really there's no one to blame uh but me for wanting the convenience of this particular one uh product when they say the vacuum battery is dead really battery is dead and you're like oh you literally can't so you don't have the supplies yeah so you're like we're out of back in the day when everyone's always plugged in you couldn't go with that one yeah but now the battery can actually be

dead and you go and they're leaving it off that charger on purpose aren't they yeah and you try and why is a vacuum battery take 48 hours to charge let's get the scientists on this yeah all right that's a good one that's a good one. That's a good one. All right. So we've been kind of given excuses, but really, you know, we're due to the draft title. Well, due to the well, what is the draft title? Excuses. Best excuses to not do your choice. I thought it was most creative ways to get out of doing chores. Why? Why would it be that? Because I thought that was the original. It's on the sign right behind you. We say all of it with words and stuff at the beginning of the segment. Yeah, I mean, I'm a real good listener.

Remember when we were trapped in a mall? Yeah, that was a room, Mike. Nice try. All right, so if we're only sticking to excuses here, well then. Per the rule. This is not just for kids this oh and he took a drink and he i'm not a good drinker no you you spill on yourself you do have a drinking food food and drink more than anyone i know i'm impatient you think that's what it is i don't have time to get this can fully to my lips.

Yeah, because the consequence is not much. Do you... Now... Who cares, man? Genuine question. Yeah. Do you spill on the way to your mouth, or do you spill on the way, like... You know, if I knew, I'd fix it.

I don't know what's going on, man. I think my mouth might be malformed, and it's a handicap. It's a mouth problem. Yeah. I think I might have, like have a little dead lip or something. Loose lip. Google it. Or probably don't.

I don't know. Don't do that. All right. This one is for- Yeah, stick with the excuses. This is for our age group. I threw out my back. Oh.

What? Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. Your children threw out their back? You know, no, he said it would be for our age group getting out of a chore. And that one actually, you know, it holds weight. It's hard to argue with.

You can't. I can't lift right now. You can't lift anything. You can't do chores. Like, if you've got a headache, you know, the headache excuse. I don't care. Do your chores. Right.

You've got a headache. I want to throw in a little spasm. Yeah, but if you throw your back out, you can't move. I can you've got a if you throw your back out you can't move and i can't prove whether or not you threw your back out yeah it's kind of a you're at least say a few times i gotta like throw a sock for him to catch i catch him off guard be like catch us oh you could you can't move all right uh they're actually hurt they used hit him in the face oh my bad. I forgot your back was thrown out.

All right. I'm going to throw this one out there for my third pick because I have experienced this not working somehow. Somehow for a friend of mine growing up. Which is my friend is over. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, that happens all the time. Because when I was growing up, I had a friend, and it did not matter that I was over at his house playing.

Yard work was getting done even though the friend was over. And guess who got to help? The friend. Wait wait i had to help with some yard work that's genius that's genius of your friend invite your friends over like delaying the chores knowing that you're gonna i mean this is a tom sawyer also genius of the parents well maybe he can help out let's get a little bit more yard work done, huh? And then I will close it out with, well, unfortunately, the most common excuse slash lie. I hope this isn't mine.

I'll do it later. I'll do it. Hold on. Let me rephrase. I promise I'll do it later. Not right now. I promise I'll do it later. Why do something now that you can do later exactly

or potentially never at all yeah so that is my final pick all right my last pick is the easy 101 most real life common excuse that i get from my children i mean this happens so much that we preempt it now. Can I guess? You can guess. Let's say they're playing video games or whatever. They're doing something, and now it's like, hey, it's time for chores. We're going to do chores.

I'm in the middle of a game. I mean, that happens all the time. I don't care making them get off. All right. I'm hungry. It's always like. Really? Always. It's like as soon as it's chores time. That's a good one. As soon as it's chores time that's a good one as

soon as i've never heard that that definitely happens in my house too wow it's like oh you were hungry you were on your video game you could have played another three hours you would have been hungry but the second you have to do chores you're starving it's not just chores it's it anything you are adverse to doing yeah homework oh now you Oh, now you're starving. I'm hungry. And then you're denying food if you make them do the chores. Right, yes. Interesting. There's a whole speech that we receive.

So now you've got to preempt that. That's what we do. Oh, you feed them and then say do the chores? No, no, no. I don't feed them first. I just straight up tell them. Before I tell them, I'm like, hey, it's time to get off. You've got to do your chores.

Basically, it's time to get off. You've got to do your chores. I don't want to hear that you're hungry now all of a sudden. You can eat when you're done. Yeah, you're not going to starve to death. I bet you'll do the chores pretty quick. Just eating 30 minutes. They're not hungry. Andy, it's a lie.

It's a lie. That's fair. They're not hungry. When they're hungry, they go eat. I thought you were going to go with the video game one, which is now that they play all these online games. Yeah, I can't pause. I have to pull you out of a game with your friends and ruin your life.

All right, Mike, final pick. The match is almost over. Oh, lies. 30 minutes later. He started another one. This one, of course, you need siblings, but I'm just going off of my household. The good old-fashioned, it's not my turn. Yes, I have that on my list.

It is, in fact, my brother's turn to do the dishwasher. It's a good one. If you were keeping track, you would clearly know that it is not me who has to do the dishes today. And you might not have been keeping track. Oh, no one's keeping track. You got to start thinking in your head which was the fair way. I'm not building out a chore system where I can move the star or the dot,

whatever. No. I want them to do their chores, but maybe I should build the system. I had that too. It's not my turn. It's not my turn. All right. There's our draft.

That covered most of what was on my list. I did have bribe written down where it's like, I'll do this instead. Try to make a negotiation. My youngest hit one of his favorite lines is, let me make you a deal. Really? Oh, man. You do that for me and I'll do this. I get offered 25 deals a day.

Nice. That's funny. They're usually in relation of him doing something very small and then me spending a ton of money. I already did other chores. Oh, too much. I already took out the garbage. You're going to make me do the dishes? Yeah.

And then the other things I was going to do for creative ways to get out of doing chores is get in the shower. Oh, okay. And never go home. You don't do chores anywhere but home, right? I mean, if you take out the garbage. Unless that friend brings you don't do chores anywhere but home right i mean like if you take out the garbage friend brings you over to do yeah sure but i'm saying like if you take out the garbage here it's work it's work yeah you can only do chores at a residence i need to ask you about

one more that i had on my list and whether you've used it okay to get out of chores probably it's the i have to poop oh yeah i mean i just have you hidden have you done a hide i'm a poop hide i'm a man okay there is no man with children in this country that is not hidden in the bathroom taking too long to poop and if you're real constipated you show me one that says that they have it, I will show you a liar. Yeah, we do have the ability to summon our bowels. When needed. When needed.

All right, any more, Mike? Let's see. I mean, I had just add a product, but it's kind of like the vacuum. And then for me, it was too similar to the sit down and read. It was of like, oh, I'm going to practice my instrument. Oh, nice. That's a good reason to take up an instrument. Yes, because you're like, and then as the parent who's paying way too much for private lessons, and you're like, fine, go practice your instrument.

And nobody did the classic too tired, did they? No, because that's just that. They're kids. It doesn't work. It only works for grownups. Yeah. It only works at bedtime. Like,

you know, I will say that you mean the reading time. Yes. My, my youngest will, whenever the, whenever it's like not quite his bedtime, if it's like an hour before,

he'll be like, if there's chore time, then he'll be like, just tuck me in. That's funny. Like it's four 30. Let's go. tuck me in. That's funny. It's 4.30. Let's go.

Time for bed. Time for bed. What did we learn today? I learned that the first result from Google is ironclad, always right. Never look past it. It is just pure information. Locked and loaded, loaded correct answer always. I learned today that our kids have similar excuses to one another. Yeah, they have a hive mind. And I learned when you land in a hot air balloon, you're probably going to tipsy over there.

I had no idea. Yeah, yeah. Only about 50% of people make it on the average hot air balloon trip, according to Brutz. The other 50%, I'm sorry, final flight. Enjoyed it. Goodbye. Tell your friends goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com.