Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Would Poo Rather? - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 14, 2021

Spit Hit for October 14th, 2021: Welcome to the poopocolypse.  This show gets off to a smelly start. We would apologize, but YOU are the folks supplying the content. Eventually, we venture away from butt sniffing, stepping in poop, and poop infused cocktails to end this episode on a merry note with a draft of ‘Best Christmas Songs’. Subscribe and tell your friends about another hilarious episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Well, hello, spitwads. We've got another spectacular Spit Hits episode coming your way today. These are always a privilege to share with you, and this one smells a little worse than the rest of them, but that's a good thing. Stay tuned and enjoy the show. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. La-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! That's great.

Oh! You gotta go in a new direction sometimes. That was great. You got to go in a new direction sometimes. And that direction was up. I was going to say, you can always fall back, fall up to the falsetto. Yeah, yeah. Because it's always a home run. Bringing me back to the scream from the old... Oh, yeah. What was that?

The show after the show from the fantasy footballers. Yeah, primal scream. Yes. I miss that. I think you played it safe. I'm going to go baritone next week. You don't know how low I can go. Nor do we want to.

Welcome into the spitballers. We're in the family of voices. It was the baritone, Jason. No, or do we want to welcome into the spit ballers? We're in the, in the, uh, the family of, of voices. It was the baritone Jason. It's at the bottom. It's, it's at the bottom of the book. You mean where the, uh, that would be the base, the base. That's what I said in the, you know, the bottom, like the basement. Oh, okay.

Got it. We've got, would you Rather on the show today. Is This Real Life Returns? Oh, yes. A spectacular draft. You'll be enchanted by this draft, I have no doubt. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod. Send us your ideas for segments, for drafts, whatever the case may be.

We want to hear from you. We know that there are some drafts out there that we well we just have to compete we just have to bring them on the show battle it out and crown me victor yeah part of that's true you like that name yeah we can call you victor that's fine yeah i mean that's fine all right oh man if your name is victor, you've got the ultimate. I mean, you're always the winner. Yeah. I don't know. Ask Victor.

Spitballerspod.com, Instagram.com, slash Spitballerspod. Appreciate everybody supporting, reviewing the show, everybody over the last year. We're recording this towards the very end of the year, and it's been fun. It's been a good time. Some say it's the most wonderful time of the year. Some say that. Spoiler! But because these shows are evergreen,

which is also one of the trees that grow a lot during this month, like to be very pretty and put in your house, but because the show is evergreen, we don't want to date it by any stretch of the imagination. No, no. You don't want to say like, ah, this is worse. Best Christmas songs. We would never be caught in there.

All right. It's time to read a review. Review a Soros rag. It's like we've got two today. This one comes in from Kelphon across the universe from Canada. Does that mean it's in Canada or it's like exactly on the opposite end of the universe in canada side of the oh the universe i would not know the name of that it's from adenic all right well from five stars oh from one dad to another this is awesome and i can listen

with my kids in the car keep up the good work and also from zwingate five star it's like all the dumb thoughts i have are being elaborated upon and it brings me great joy and a lot of laughs love the show never stop scatting never so al borland are you here with us can you say hello hello all right he's here uh i want to we've never done a two packer reviews no No, these were short. They were sweet and I liked them both. So I threw them in there. Yeah. It just kind of, to me, when I read two of them, it kind of insinuates, you know, when we read one review, it's like, I know where you're going.

We picked one great review out of the plethora of reviews. This is like this week. We got two. That's what I'm saying. This week we got two reviews. Thanks to our two reviewers out there. You should have seen the thousands I had to comb through to pick these two. Yes, thousands.

That's probably true. Dozens. Across the whole universe, many reviews. Thank you very much for supporting the show. It's time to move on, I'm afraid. Would you rather? All right. Did you already read it, Mike?

Is that what you're laughing at? I haven't read it. I have not read it. I just did. All right. Let's see. I apologize to Kelphon, who listens in the car with his children. Oh, no.

It's fine. I would have this conversation with my kids. All right. Chris from the website wants to know, would you rather have to say hello to everyone like dogs? So that's like the mutual butt sniffing. That is. Oh, okay.

So that's the greeting. You'd have to say hello with just a little rear end sniff. A little sniff. A little whiff. Might I get a whiff of that? Or always have to bathe like cats. So you just lick yourself clean. All of your bathing is licking yourself clean.

Give me a break. That can't clean you. If anything, like maybe for cats. Does this presume unlimited amounts of saliva? Yes, unlimited amounts of saliva, which does not make this any better. There is no way that I am cleaner with my saliva all over me than if i just never bathe so these are two impossible choices because you can't go up to someone to sniff their butt that's just not okay but see that i have two questions no but they're into it they they this

is just how everyone's social norm it's like you like some countries you kiss on the cheek. Yeah. For this, we sniff on the butt. You sniff the cheek. Oh, gosh. Here's what I was getting at with the, if I get saliva on me, I then go take a shower. That's pretty much how it works. Right. Interesting. If a kid were to lick me, I'd go wash my hand.

If a dog's going to lick me, I'm going to go wash my hands. Now, you're stuck. You're the licker. You're the licker, and you're stuck with your saliva. now real quick rabbit rabbit hole okay do either of you just do kisses with dogs just let them oh yeah oh yes i'm with you mike my whole face i will lay on the ground and my dog will come and lick my entire yeah it Yeah, it's really true. And I don't, like, look, the whole, like, oh, dog's tongues are cleaner than everything. There's no truth. Cleaner than a whistle.

That's not true. Whistles are dirty. But I don't care. I want those kisses. Yeah. But I totally get how that would gross people out. Yeah, I get it, too. Because an animal's just licking my face.

It's super gross. And the reason you don't is because it's like if your kid, Jason, blows a booger onto me or I have to wipe a runny nose for your kid, that's somehow grosser snot than if I did it for my kid. So you have your dogs. Mike, would you let any dog lick your entire face? If I like that dog. Yeah, I'm the same way. If I like it. It doesn't have to be my dog. The fact that you have this as a badge of honor, I can tell the way you're talking about it. You're like, really?

I love Jason's dogs. You're really proud. I would lay on the ground and let Jason's dog lick my face. Likewise, Mike. Likewise. They're great dogs. So you'd lick yourself clean then? Well, but I don't like.

Here's the problem. It's the saltiness. Have you ever licked your arm many times like if you're lying to me oh no i have never i'm i'm far above that of course you've licked your arm at some point in your life a little ketchup spilled on your arm you have a scabby game off and you're bleeding oh yeah you gotta suck that thing dry like Dracula. Get into the arm. Look, if the blood goes back in your mouth, you don't lose any because it just goes right back into your body.

You're recycling. Exactly. That's really not how it works, children. However, this rabbit hole or whatever you're calling it, I mean, to me. I got shot. Quick, suck the blood. Put it in a glass. I need to drink it. I mean, to me, I got shot. Quick, suck the blood. Put it in a glass. I need to drink it. It's the only way I can stay alive. What a world. That's a blood transfusion.

Give him another. What a world if that was how the human body worked. And that's like literally what happens at these, you know, people come in the ambulance and they just start scooping up and feeding you your blood. Doesn't work. Sir, I need you to put this funnel in your mouth. Open up. It tastes like metal. I believe that the sniffing would become a real normal situation.

I just don't know how you get that going. If it was normalized, if that was the common greeting, you walk in and you sniff their butt and you move on with your day, then it's fine. Would we start wearing a lot of cologne and perfume on our derrieres? Things might be cleaner. Things would definitely be cleaner. People would be getting that bidet life. If I knew for sure that random strangers are going to come sniff near my rear end.

I'm going for a raise today, fellas. That's an extra wipe every time. I just got to do the extra. Just look this was clean but one more. Here's a hot tip. Do an extra for all of us anyways. For you and everybody else. But you're not smelling my boots.

You're not going just extra. You're also you're wadding it up and you're crab walking over to the sink. I'm saying from everybody that's been around you and just from your friends, just do it for us. Just anyways. I'll think about it. Now, I do agree.

He's saying that your butt stinks. Yeah, no, I'm getting that loud and clear. Now, I don't know how he knows. I think he's already adopted this new. Have you been? He doesn't need to adopt it. That's what we're saying. It's that bad?

Yeah, your butt stinks. Wow. That would be. Now, if that's true, if anyone ever has that bad yeah your butt stinks that would be now if that's true if anyone ever has that stinky of a butt that you're just in a room and you can smell their their booty they need a cat to come along and clean them up oh no no no that's out that's out they can't they can only lick my face. Oh, this show. Uh, all right. We need to settle this right now. Borland, where are you going with this? Oh, Borland gets the way in. Yeah. I'm going to have to go with the, uh, butt sniffing. All right. I'm going to sniff your butt as well. See, here's

the problem. If you go with the cat clean, the animal clean, there's parts of your body that will never, ever be cleaned yeah yeah we'll leave it at that we'll leave it at that pamela from twitter would you rather have to eat a salad or drink a smoothie for every meal of the week just stops there would you rather eat a salad all right so uh eating a salad so or drink to be clear is pamela just wanting to know whether we'd rather have to always eat salads for every meal or always have a smoothie for every meal? Yes. Yeah, for a week. But three meals a day for a week, you're having either smoothies or salads.

Interesting. The week does change it. Because if it was forever, I couldn't do the smoothies. I feel like if you never have solid food, you're never going to have solid. Smooth in, smooth out. Smooth in, smooth out. Exactly right. But a week, a week is like a weight loss program.

You know what I mean? It's a cleanse. You're doing a juice. A juice fast. I see more benefit there than the salad. Because if I ate salad for every single meal, you want to know what my salad's turning into? They got the devil dags and the chicken and the steak

and extra ranch and Caesar dress. These are not actually healthy. They're still salads, but they're not healthy for me. Has anyone ever made a breakfast salad? That's a good question, right? Because you make breakfast sandwich. Here's a breakfast pizza. What's your base? Is it still lettuce?

It still has to be lettuce. Oh. But then they're going to put hot eggs. Anybody ever have lettuce for breakfast? I don't know. In anything? Is lettuce a lunch and dinner food alone? It has to be.

What? Breakfast? Why? Why are you like this? Because it can be for breakfast. Because if you're doing a breakfast smoothie, you better be putting in some kale or something in there. Well, there are.

Yeah, but we're just talking lettuce, right? Because spinach, you put spinach in your omelet or whatever. Yeah, okay. There we go. There we go. But lettuce, regular iceberg lettuce. Is that a part of any breakfast? Has anyone ever eaten that in the breakfast hour under any circumstance?

Borland? Not me. It's strange that we're like this. These are just times of the day why should a time of the day matter when you like a food it's a complete fabrication we made it up the whole breakfast thing is yes completely made up thank you there is Hallmark did this somehow and that's why when I'm eating cheeseburgers for breakfast and people are like, what a weirdo.

That's disgusting. I'm like, what? What? What's wrong with this? I'm eating because it sounds good. When's the last time you've had orange juice like for lunch or dinner? Oh, that's a 11 a.m. cutoff. Right.

Right. It's totally a cutoff. But it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. Why not have an orange juice with my dinner? Yeah, there's no reason. Oh, what are you doing? You don't have eggs and bacon with that. What's at a.m these are just made up that's what i want to get i want to focus

social construct why is it habit though because like you know you get used to certain foods at a certain time that makes them taste good does orange juice taste bad at four in the afternoon no it tastes the same you know how every now and then you do breakfast for dinner. And it's so wacky. And it's a treat. It's like, oh, we're going to get crazy today. I'm eating breakfast for dinner. Waffles.

But what's crazy is like, okay, if I wake up and it's a Saturday morning and we make the kids, whatever, maybe we have a nice breakfast. We make pancakes and eggs and bacon and the whole lot, right? We don't care. It doesn't matter okay fast forward 10 more hours or how i don't want to do the math whatever dinner time would be and then we make eggs and pancakes and bacon and this is a tree event this is gather around the table children break out the syrup this is your social experiment china your social experiment is to tell the kids next saturday that you're making them a big special breakfast and when they come out it's like rotisserie chicken yeah like it's a club sandwich

yeah it's just like a normal and a salad maybe it's. Maybe it's like a filet. Steak and eggs are a thing. Yeah, that's okay for some reason. Yeah, we don't know why. Because they added eggs. That's why. Some guy was eating a steak. He started getting all these dirty looks, and he said, can I have some eggs?

Oh, okay. Normal. Just makes sense. Well, so does that mean a burger is fine if you put the egg on it? Does that make it breakfast? You got to make it a little breakfast-y. It gives you a, you know, keeps the village from staring at you. Yeah.

Okay. So I'm going to go with smoothies. Oh. I think that's where we- Oh, there was a question. There was a question somewhere in here. I'll take the smoothies. Yeah.

I could do smoothies for a week. Salads are for losers. Or after 3 p.m. Right. Eric from Patreon. You're walking around barefoot at a pool party. You step into something wet, warm, and slimy. Wait.

When you look down, would you rather see... Gosh, what? All of these questions? Eric! Thank you for your support. Future reference. Let's keep our would you rathers down to one bowel-related question. When you look down, would you rather see human vomit or dog poop under your feet?

So you're walking around barefoot at a pool party. Which one would you rather see? Easy peasy. Yeah, this is dog poop. This is dog poop. I am a sympathetic throw-upper. If I see smell, hear about it, like this right here, I'm about 50% of the way there already. The only thing that matters is human versus dog.

That's the only thing that matters. If it was vomit versus vomit, poop versus poop. So if this is dog vomit, it's not... It's always better to be a dog. It's always better to have the animal. Even if they lick your face, you'd rather have a dog versus a human poop versus poop. So if this is dog vomit, it's not... It's always better to be a dog. It's always better to have the animal. I don't know why... Even if they lick your face, you'd rather have a dog versus a human lick your face. Yeah, for sure.

I don't want a human to lick my face. No, gross. That's weird. That's super weird. That would be disgusting. Now, the dog who's been probably eating his own poop and vomit, he can come over and lick your face. Go to town.

Go to town. I'm extra sweaty. Come wash me, dog. Go to town. I'm extra sweaty. Wash me, dog. We've all stepped in dog poop. On accident. Not barefoot. I haven't had the barefoot experience. I've stepped in it.

Jason is looking. You barefooted a poo? Yes, I barefooted dog poop. He was about to say, you have it? And then once he heard Mike, he shut up. You read me, Bert. I was about to turn to Mike for Misery Loves Company, and then he said no, and I shut up quick. I was like, oh, yeah, totally.

You barefooted a poo? Yes, you're in a yard or something, and there's still some non-picked up turds, and you're running around playing football or something, and you didn't notice one is here this was within the last 10 days there is no question no it's been a long time but it's got to be within the last two years tell me you slipped on it like a banana peel and fell right right into it no it's just like you know the side of a foot how do you look down just how did you clean it you make the dog oh come on no uh you know i you're not the guy you're at the pool party you jump in the pool to wash it off yeah for sure for sure oh my problem with if the dog poop it's where it's supposed to be right right i'm in the dog's bathroom right now. If this is, if someone puked, like, how does one just puke at a pool party? Well, I can imagine a few ways.

No, no, I know how you, I know what can happen, but I'm saying, how does one vomit discreetly so that no one else at the party has noticed? And then two, just go about their day like nothing has happened. You're responsible for your vomit after you put it out there. What uncivilized monster has done this? A very sick one, Mike, obviously. And it says the question. The person went to the hospital. The question specifically says it's warm.

This is not from last night. Oh, no, it is warm. This is right out the body, one or the other. Bob just jumps out. Oh, gotcha. Gotcha. That's my vomit. Bob is such a jerk. Bob just jumps out. Oh, gotcha. Gotcha. That's my vomit. Bob is such a jerk.

Puked ya. That's the new hit TV show. Puked ya. And what they do is they throw up and they get people to. No, no, no. What they do. Okay. It's just going to explain it.

You put the pieces together. And then they pop out. Puked ya. Okay. Thank you for explaining. It's totally different than what I thought it was going to explain it. You put the pieces together. And then they pop out. Pew! Yeah. Okay, thank you for explaining. It's totally different than what I thought it was going to be. Wait. Okay.

We all voted the same on all of these, which is dog poop. But I'm just noticing now that so here's a peek behind. Eat a smoothie, dog poop. No, no, no, no. And here's a peek behind the curtain. Smell our butts. So we all know what we're about to talk about. We make these show docs where Al. We don't know. Al Bor curtain. Spell our butts. So we all know what we're about to talk about. We make these show docs where-

Well, we don't know. Al Borland does. Right. Al Borland puts it together so we can all go in. Here's what's happening in the show. Here's the new question. And the topic of this segment is, would you rather? And someone has gone in here and changed it to, would poo rather?

Yeah, that was me. I thought we needed to rename it. Would poo rather. It was you? I changed it because I-oo Rather. Yeah, that was me. I thought we needed to rename it. Wood Poo Rather. It was you? I changed it because I... Puked ya! Goodness. All right.

And then just so many high fives were happening. Yeah. With everybody else around the victim of the puked ya. Spit wads, when your online checking account balance is running low last thing you need is a 33 overdraft fee overdraft fees have gotten way out of hand in 2019 traditional banks took 11 billion dollars in overdraft fees and chime does things differently chime is an award-winning app and debit card that has saved its members more than $10 billion in overdraft fees with spot me fee-free overdraft. Eligible members can overdraft up to $200 on debit card purchases and cash withdrawals with absolutely no fees.

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$200 by chime chime member overdraft fee savings based on eligible members use of spot me versus $33 average overdraft fee overdraft fee data based on bank rate checking account survey and CRL June, 2020 overdraft fees report. Is this real life? That's a question I ask myself quite often during this show. All right. Is this real life?

Here's what we've got going on. Why don't you explain it, Al? You're not busy. Not busy at all. No, these are articles that you guys found that the other people have not seen, and you're going to share them with us because you read the headline and you said, is this real life? We did. We did.

And so these are some very outlandish headlines, and we're just going to react to them. Jason has picked one out for us. All right. All right. Here's the headline of the article that I found. Distillers of gin infused with elephant dung insist. Oh, my gosh. Insist.

What on earth? Ow. Welcome to the poop ballers. Get a hold of yourself. Hey, this one's not on me. Jason found it. That's fair. That's fair.

This one is, I didn't know we were coming into poopocalypse. I had no idea. All right. Distillers of gin infused with elephant dung insist product isn't crap. That's the name of this. Here's the thing. Pooped ya. Pooped ya.

Oh, man. So in real life, in real life. This feels like a publicity stunt. It has to be a publicity stunt. Is this an advertised perk or? They didn't tell people. Oh, that matters so much. No, because otherwise it's a poopja after you've experienced.

When you get a water infused with minerals for taste. Yeah, pomegranate seeds. Infused with elephant dung for taste. They literally say where it came from. On each bottle, they hand- They say where the dung comes from? They hand select the dung from different parts. I believe this is in India.

Or no, South Africa. This is South Africa. And they put no south africa this is south africa and and they put on the bottle where this came from and the reason the reason why these two scientists decided to do this was because elephants eat a lot of flowers and botanicals and uh things that apparently they don't digest well that they could just put in outside of the dung process. Yes. But not maybe as mixed as well. Then they got to go to a whole bunch of different plants.

Yeah. The elephant does all the work. It's a giant mixed bowl. I hope he has equity of the company. That's literally what they said in this article. They said, as a consequence, elephant dung, you get the most amazing variety of these botanicals. Why don't we let the...

Put the downside. Put the downside. No, why don't we let the elephants do the hard work of collecting these botanicals and we'll make gin from it? That's what they... The hard work... Dude, they didn't go on to describe how they have to like wash it and dry it. I'm like, the hard work is getting the poop but apparently

so they take it and then they wash it yeah and they infuse it they get it back to just being botanicals oh my god you should have just grew some flowers my friends that's disturbing yeah that they would tell people about it i understand wanting to shortcut the process but you keep that secret yeah it's uh they also say that they do collect the duke collect the duke collect by hand oh that's comforting thank Thank you. All right, Mike, you got yours? Yeah, I got mine. So here is the headline. Man pooped. No. Please, give me a break.

No, but so it's a man who was arrested. So a man sticks cannabis in nose, forgets about it for 18 years. That's not real life. That's not real life. There was an Australian man who suffered numerous sinus infections over an 18-year period before the doctors figured out what was happening. Apparently, he was going to the old who's gal, and his lady gave him some illegal contraband. 18 years before. And he decided to hide it in his nose and he thought it went too far and he swallowed it.

Oh, so he didn't know. No, so there was just like a rubber balloon basically stuck in this dude's sinus for 18 years. That's a rough run. Now, when he was having numerous sinus infections during the preceding 18 years, that didn't cross his mind no because

he thought he swallowed it oh gross also that it could vote that's how old it was oh when it came out yeah yeah that's it was legal it went in when it was illegal came out when it was legal yeah very well could have could be the case oh that's that's not when the surgeons went in for a closer look they ended up removing what the report described as quote a rubber capsule containing degenerate vegetable plant matter oh okay yeah which was then infused into a gin let him do all the work i am confident age to perfection oh i'm confident that if i ever stuck something in my nose i would i would know about it within a year like i would remember oh my gosh what

here's my only comparison for this is when i was a younger lad i made the shift to contacts yeah i had the eyeglasses and i'm like, okay, I'm going to go to contacts. And I go to put one in my eye or actually, I go to take it out. I'm sorry. And I pinch the crap out of my eye. If you've ever worn contacts, you've probably pinched your eye at some point.

And it hurts. And I thought that the contact had fallen out because my vision was back to blurry and then just later on all of a sudden you could see I could see out of my eye and I legit legit because I'm in like fourth or fifth grade I legitimately thought my eye had healed and I could now see because I went, weeks until finally a heavy rub popped the contact out of my eye. And I was like, oh, man.

Oh, it didn't get healed. That sucked. Oh, I was kind of laughing because I wore contacts for like 10 years. I never pinched my eye. Oh, you never, when you were, what was, how young were you when you started wearing them? I was older. Yeah, you wore them when you were like fifth grade. Oh, wow.

Wow. Yeah. Richie Rich over there. Is that a thing? I was older. Yeah, you wore them when you were like fifth grade. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. Richie Rich over there. Is that a thing? I don't know. Are they really? To me, I feel like it wasn't. Contacts are super expensive.

Only the elites get contacts. All right, maybe that was, apparently in my mind, maybe that's what my parents told me when I wore glasses. I mean, I've got glasses right now only because I'm so poor. Otherwise, I would be rocking some sweet tacks i'm not the one percent oh no i didn't know any kids i've been saving up their fifth grade that had contacts none and i would like i would cover my bad eye and then i would read with my now you really i with my healed good eye because like because i had vision. Did you tell your parents it was healed? No.

I don't think I ever brought it up, but it was really shameful for me when the contact popped out. Oh my goodness. Also, pinching your eye hurts real bad. I can't imagine pinching it, but maybe as a small kid, your eye's smaller, you could pinch it. I don't know. Yeah, how would you succeed at that?

When you're trying to pull it out, just imagine putting your pinching motion, going to squeeze the contact out. Ah, gross. Only you get your eyeball. Yeah, that's not expected. All right, Florida man. Oh, no. Because anything from Florida is just.

That's the majority of our audience, Mike. Well, they should know that they're crazy people. All right, Florida man, who allegedly threatened family with Coldplay lyrics, ends standoff after SWAT promises him pizza. So I looked at this story, and he had texted... This was the text. He sent the lyrics from the song Fix You, which you may be familiar with. He said, lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you.

That was the threatening text he was sending out. He was threatening people with this? Correct. He was threatening his family. Was he threatening like, I'm going to make you listen to Coldplay? with this correct he was threatening his family was he threatening like i'm gonna make you listen to coldplay well he did throw in a few words like nazi prison associates in the text that got people more concerned that sounds more concerning yeah and it was all yellow yes and it was a four-hour confrontation he barricaded himself with a gun in a bedroom and would not come out under any circumstance that he wouldn't go back to prison until the SWAT department agreed to deliver him a pizza.

Wow. That's a lot of dude. This guy should just know like you can just call someone and they'll deliver pizza. Well, he did end up being charged. But if you're going to go back, he's too deep. He's in the hole. There's no way out. Might as well get some pizza. And if you ask for something. You're like, I need a chopper gassed up.

You're not getting it. No, you're not. But if you ask for a pizza. They're going to give you a pizza. You're going to get a pizza. They're going to let you eat it. And then you're getting arrested. But couldn't you ask for something?

And I apologize to our Judge Giamatti in the room. Isn't there something better than pizza that you could... They draw the line, though. Like you're saying if I ask for a steak dinner, they're going to... No, they would do that. I feel like they would do that. Here's the thing. You talk about the chopper and the bucket full of cash and stuff.

Has anybody ever been like, yeah, I'll come out of here for like 85 dollars 85 bucks i'm out i'll come out you can arrest me see the thing is 85 cash delivered you know and a pizza you know that they're that they're gonna take the cash from you you know you're not gonna get to keep that in prison not if you put it up your nose yeah the pizza is forever because or is for a while yeah and so they uh they delivered him a pizza with some flavored crust and ended this the the standoff now we're giving this guy credit like i'm there might have been pineapple on the i'm I'm done. I'm going to jail. I got to get something. He used to rule the world. I'm going to set the bar low. I'm going to go pizza. Right?

What if it wasn't this? What if this was a genius negotiator on the other side who's like, okay. What do you like to eat? Let me try this on for size. Come out, but not until we will deliver you fresh baked deep dish pizza. Like maybe this is the missing component from most negotiations and standoffs. Pizza? Why don't they just go right to the, we'll give you pizza.

I don't think the cost is so low. You should start with pizza every time. You might as well just make it a part. Like, hi, my name's, hi, my name's George. I'm the hostage negotiator. Obviously, we've got your pizza on the way. Let's begin discussing. Because who doesn't have a better negotiation with pizza in their belly?

I'm the negotiator, Papa John. I'd like to offer you some of my fresh-made pizza. Only the finest ingredients. All right. So that was Is This Real Life? Very interesting. And fortunately, only one having to do with poop. The Spitballers Draft.

All right. We are drafting Al Borland's favorite poop jokes. And it's 30 rounds. No, we are drafting the best Christmas songs. Now, I don't know what makes a Christmas song the best necessarily. Oh, there's a lot of things. I feel like there are components. I don't have the first pick.

I have the last pick. That's correct. And Mike gets to kick this off. Could be the music itself. I have the last pick. That's correct. And Mike gets to kick this off. Could be the music itself. Could be the actual music. Could be the nostalgia of childhood. Could be how long running a song was to be successful. Could be any number of things.

Could be all the times Mike was forced to go caroling. He doesn't pick any of those songs. Did you ever carol? Yes. I had no doubt in my mind Mike had caroled yes have you ever caroled never borland i've been invited every year my whole life and i've said no every year many times wow i didn't know people i've never ever had someone show up to my house caroling i didn't believe that it's a real thing it's a real thing I've been forced to do it Many times Are you doing it this year?

You gonna make your kids do it? It's on the calendar I thought this was when you were a kid Does that make it less likely for you to pick the songs you carol sing? Or more likely? I need a negotiator to bring me a pizza While I'm caroling That would actually be great I'd go

Alright Mike you're up You're first Oh, wow. I'm caroling. That would actually be great. I'd go. Oh, holy. All right, Mike, you're first. So you can go anywhere. Yes, you can. With the upbeat, slow. And I'm going to kick it off with the slow one. I'm going with the soul tree. Jason's making a voice like I'm going to take his pick.

There's so many options. Okay, just make your pick so I can celebrate. All right. I'm going with the man. It's not Sinatra, but very, very similar. I'm taking Bing Crosby. I will be taking White Christmas, which gives you all the feels. Just imagining being...

Well, we're in Arizona. We're dreaming of a White Christmas still. We are. But even still if you're it still gets cold here and you can gather around a fire there's not snow but white christmas that's that's my number one christmasy song love that you took that because i have a clear number one and i have brought this up you know before you go into yours sure just so you're aware white christmas is not just the best-selling christmas holiday single oh i did not know in the united states it's the best-selling single of any

kind of song of all time that makes sense no song has ever been what year was white what year well i'm seeing 1942 oh there you go okay so i mean you're literally talking about 60 years how many songs have a 60-year run of every single year comes back to the top? Yeah. Yeah. No, that's great. But the reason, I just assumed you were going to pick it because I have recently, I don't know if it was on this show or the footballers or-

We do so many shows. We do so many shows. However, I know we've brought this up recently about, I was like, what's the song with all the parts? I was like, that's the best song. Oh, no. And you were like, well, yeah, that's because it's the best Christmas song. You said that.

Are you going to steal my song? Is it Carol of the Bells? Because it's the best Christmas song. It is the best instrumental. When it gets crescendo. I guess there's singing involved. I was going to say, when you sing in all the different parts. What are the words to that song, Jason?

Carol of the Bells. Carol of the Bells. Carol of the Bells. Carol of the Bells. Carol of the Bells. I'm pretty sure that's what it is. Dang, that was my number one, and I thought it would get to me. That is the absolute best Christmas song because it's intense.

It's got different moments. It starts a little slower. Especially if you've got a good rendition of it. I just said it would have been my number one song. But now that it's not mine, I want to find an argument against it. Disparage it. And that would simply be that it doesn't seem like it's for every Christmas occasion. Right?

Incorrect. It's a little intense. It is very intense. It's a little intense. It is very intense. It's a little intense. And I just think of like robbers are coming to my house and I need to set up booby traps. You're not caroling with that song. No, you're not. I mean, you can, but...

If you carol with that song, you'd be pretty boss. You are a great caroling company. It's just like Pentatonix is with you. Exactly. Now I don't know where to go. I'm at my first pick and I already feel those are my top two. I will go with

man. I've got my next pick. I have two picks in a row. I'm just so I'm gonna go I have two picks in a row yes you do and I'm just gonna go with my favorite my favorite Christmas song has always been

Little Drummer Boy I love it which version do you want the David Bowie one because that song is ridiculous I do not understand how people are into that well it's hard for me to say which version because I feel like there are literally like 200 to 500 versions. The David Bowie one is very

specific because they just added this whole new part. Then not that one. Peace on Earth. So I'll go Little Drummer Boy. Little Drummer Boy is very good. And then I'm going to actually go intense like yours which is Run Run

Rudolph by Chuck Berry. Okay, that's a great one. Run Run Rudolph. go a little i'm gonna go intense like yours which is uh what run run rudolph by chuck berry okay that's a great one good up to that's our first run rudolph santa's gotta make it to town all right yeah and it um it's like a jingle bell rock yeah so i'm gonna go i'll go little drummer boy right it's like it but the different song it's like a christmas song it's got a little bit of rock to it okay i got you and so i'll go a little drummer boy, and I guess it's technically called Run Rudolph Run by Chuck Bear. All right. I think this is the name of the song.

It should be. It's not. But look, every year. Tub Thumpin'. Tub Thumpin' by Chumbawamba. It's a Christmas song, right? Every year. I mean, the Christmas season is just fantastic but when it starts when thanksgiving is on november 1st you know before then i mean oh november 1st august

8th i'll allow it but when it starts to look like christmas oh it's beginning to look like Christmas. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. That's excellent. That one always gets in my head. And it always puts me in the mood. Also Bing Crosby. There you go. Because he's the man. Bing Crosby is the dude.

Very, very. Banger after banger for that guy. It's beginning to look a lot. Yes, that's how he would refer to his songs it's a banger listen to this it's beginning I've got a banger for you

it's beginning to look a lot now that's a bit we need like people from the 40s talking about their songs like people do today unbelievable fam this song is lit. All right. That's a good combo pick with your Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Carol of the Bells situation.

It's perfect. I think it's Mike's turn. Very, very nicely done. He's got two picks. That was the pick that I wanted to go with. So beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I wanted it. So I will pivot, I guess, to my next choice.

Because that's what you have to do. Yeah, you don't really have a choice. So I will take it. I will take the most wonderful time of year. It's the most wonderful time of the year. That is the same song to me as the one I just drafted. It is the exact same song. I didn't even know.

the same song to me. It is the exact same song. I didn't even know that when I was thinking about the song, it was between that one single song in my mind, which I just saw as... So he took your song after all. He took the inferior version of my song.

So Mike took White Christmas and then what was the one you used it? The Most Wonderful Time of the year is what I just drafted. Alright, and now we got to get contemporary because the Christmas season, it begins with

White Christmas, but it really kicks off once Mariah Carey shows up on the radio. And all I want for Christmas is you and that piano comes and goes Do you know how much money she's made from that song? Because that song And all I want for Christmas is you when that piano comes and goes. Do you know how much money she's made from that song? Because that song slays, man. All I ever think about is Love Actually.

When the little boy's drumming to that song at the end and the girl's singing at the talent show. And she looks back and points right at him and says, all I want for Christmas is you. Oh, man. that gets me. Very good. All right, that's a great pick. That is a great pick. I was hoping to get that song. I didn't think Andy would draft it.

So I already knew what my next pick was going to be, but I was wanting to get that for my last pick. It would have completed a perfect Christmas album. Apologize for ruining your Christmas. Thank you. No, I'm going to go with, I'm going to go back. I was happy to hear you say you're going contemporary because I wanted another. I already had two classics.

Sure. I wanted another classic. This one has the feels. It's obviously a much slower. Look, Silent Night is where I'm going. This is the candle lighting song. You know, when you go out at your Christmas Eve service and you're lighting candles and you're all singing Silent Night. There's nothing wrong with that pick.

It is wonderful. It puts you in the right mood for the season. Okay. Look, I got to be honest with you guys. You guys have way better songs than me. I love your, I mean, Little Drummer Boy. Can I guys have way better songs than me. I love your... I mean, Little Drummer Boy, Run Run Rudolph. I got no hope.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Perhaps Frosty the Snowman. I hear he had a very shiny nose. Frosty was on my list. No, here's where I'm going. I need to turn to a different strategy. Oh, Pivot. Which means I'm going, Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

I'm going the comedy route. Pew, pew, pew. I know your next pick, then. You better land on the right next pick if you're going the comedy route. But saw Grandma got run over by a reindeer, which is, by the way. Also Bing Crosby. Nope. Much better. Elmo and Patsy. uh, also Bing Crosby. Nope. Much better.

Elmo and Patsy. Oh yeah. Everyone's favorite. All right. Oh, I have to draft another one. Yes. That's what I was saying. I know where you got to go.

If you're going, if you're going, grandma got ran over by a reindeer. Oh, then I got to go. I caught. Yes. That's it. Grandma kissing Santa Claus. Grandma. There's a problem in your house.

Oh, no. Oh, that's not good. You caught Grandma kissing Santa Claus? After she got run over. Oh, man. That's, wow. Well, those blended together. Sure did.

A little bit of, give me your kiss, Santa. It sure did. A little bit of give me a kiss, Santa. Santa baby. You come down to give me a kiss. Why is Grandma Santa so not endearing? Because she's Grandma. Because she got ran over by a reindeer. Why did she go, why is she going,

Santa baby. Because she smoked a lot. I mean, she's trying to get smooches with Santa. I mean, in her old age. You know, she's. But one here. Does that mean I accidentally took I Saw Grandma Kissing Santa Claus? I don't think you could take a made up song.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Yeah, but that is the right. Only because you told me I needed to tandem them. Alright, well I lost. But now because of that fun departure

I have no idea what I'm picking. Oh, spectacular. Mike, what would you pick if you were on the floor? Feliz Navidad. That's a great song. That was sort of a joke, but sort of not a joke. So here's the thing.

I love that song. That song sometimes I love and sometimes I hate. That's a mood song. You have to be in the right mood for Feliz Navidad. I know, Mike, you're probably going to take the 12 Days of Christmas. It's your absolute favorite. It's, you know, I know, Mike, you're probably going to take the 12 days of Christmas. It's your absolute favorite. It's the goat. I mean, it takes so long to get through.

I would rather die. So redundant. You don't ever carol that one, do you? No, I refuse. No, because you'd be there for two hours. All those poor people who want to indulge you. The door just slowly closes. On the fourth day.

Okay, we get the rest. All right, goodbye. Did you hear about grandma? Blinders just slowly close. All right. We've got so many choices. I know. Well, yeah.

I've got literally all the choices in the world. There's one right choice right now. I don't want to put any pressure on you. There's a lot of pressure um hmm do you want to go old don't want to go new oh man wow i have i have one that pops in my head that i gotta i'll bring up you should have taken well i yeah yeah jason has no idea what he's doing. Wow. This is important. There's a lot of Christmas songs. I love, I love like 20 of them out there and oh geez Louise. So what do I have right now? Someone remind me. Stall tactics. Stall tactics.

You have Carol of the bells. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas and silent night. Man, that's a good, See, this is the thing. If I had crap, then I would just pick something... Don't stick to landing. ...all willy-nilly. Oh, there's a couple here. Oh. Oh, there's a couple I really like.

All right, while you think about that, I just want to let you know, Grandma finds trouble on the streets while walking home. Allegedly, she gets run over by one or more of Santa's reindeers. And then it says the injuries it is assumed causes her death. How would one get run over by a single reindeer? He got loose. He got off the... Wait, just the front.

The front guy ran her over. Whoa, so it was Rudolph. Whoa. I thought he had a shiny nose that could guide the sleigh. Not against grandma. Grandma way. Where? Grandma way. Where Santa?

Come on, Jay. This is the worst. This is the worst. I'm going to take the old goody. Oh, Mike is maybe worried. The old goody. Santa Claus is Coming to Town by the Jackson 5. Because that one is actually a banger.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Oh, no. That's a great song one is actually a banger. Santa Claus is coming to town. Oh, yeah. That's a great song. It's a good song. But I wanted to cap it off with just some more classic. I will take. So, Jason, you took Beginning to Look Like Christmas. That's correct?

I believe so. He did. So I will take Have Yourself, A Merry Little Christmas. Sure, that's good. That was in the list. Silver Bells was in the list. That pairs with my White Christmas. Here's the thing that shocked me is that Mike is traditionally the least predictable,

often off-the-rail drafter here on the show. His draft looks like what I would have expected your draft to look like. Exactly. And what he did here was he just drafted like a very like, I don't want to use the word vanilla because it's not vanilla. A traditional

winning squad. Like really good songs. You didn't throw in any weird ones? I had one that I wanted to throw in but people don't know the name of the song, so it doesn't have the name recognition. Let's hear it.

It's Christmas Rapping by The Waitresses. I don't know it, so sing it. That's the kind of pick I expected you to make at least one of. No, I chose not to. Singing it is really tough because there's not really a melody. Okay, rap it. It is Christmas Rapping. Okay, rap it. It is Christmas rapping. Just listen to it.

The bass line of that song is phenomenal. I thought we might get something from Grinch. Yeah, I thought about that. You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. We did just get a note in Slack from our other producer, Brooks, Judge Imadi, in all caps that said Christmas wrapping is great. Oh, all right. All caps, you say?

Yes, all caps. That's very loud. Did you guys have other short list ones, rocking around the Christmas tree? We brought that up, right? Yeah. It's on my list. Silver Bells was in consideration for me. Yeah, Let It Snow is on my list.

God rest ye merry gentlemen. That one's on it. If I was going to go- O Holy Night, Emmanuel. was in consideration for me. Yeah, let us know. Let us know. God rest ye merry gentlemen. That one's all right. If I was going to go- O Holy Night, Emmanuel. Yeah, O Holy Night was going to be, if I'm going to go with the classic church, the midnight church service song.

O Holy Night's great. All right, that's pretty good. We did it. What did we learn today? That you cannot keep Al Borland away from a poop-related dilemma. It's beginning to look a little up. It's poo-ginning to look.

I learned that I will never be able to afford contacts. Oh, man, that was special. But one day, with enough savings, You can save up your money. I can get there. And I will be setting my DVR for the new smash sensation. Puked up! Oh, gosh.

It's been real, guys. This is real life. Thank you for tuning in, supporting. Check out spitballerspod.com. Become an official Spitwad. Support the show. Yep. Thank you.

Check out the archive. See you next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast