Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: Yo Yo People & A Spitballers Casting Call - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

Spit Hit for February 9th, 2023: On today’s show, Highway To Spell is back. See if you can outsmart Andy, Mike, and Jason. We also discuss talking to animals, expensive wine, and eating a blizzard in a blizzard. We wrap up the episode by drafting the cast of Spitballers: The Movie.Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Oh, Spitwads, we have a terrible episode for you today because we've got Highway to Spell and that's just not my spelling is difficult. I don't remember who won on this one, but I'm going to assume it wasn't me. Thankfully, we've got plenty of other great content in there, like making fun of yo-yo people and a Spitballers casting call. Enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ring-a-ding-ding, there's a yo-yo on a string, ba-ding-dee! There's a yo-yo.

Like, was that an exclamation of like, you can't believe that there's a yo-yo on a string? Or you were just a statement? Just a statement, Mike. Do you remember? What rhymes with ring-a-ding-ding no no string what goes on a string uh yo-yo no no but dingy it's gonna do you remember the yo-yo people who would come to your school oh yeah and like this was this was a thing yes the yo-yo peddlers and yes and they they still are it's still very active oh it is Yes, the yo-yo peddlers. And it's still very active. Oh, it is? The yo-yo scene is active?

Yes. I recall my children coming home very excited. They had to buy yo-yos. How did this become a thing that we're allowing the yo-yo people into the schools? How did they get access to the kids? Exactly. We're so careful. We're they get access to the kids? Exactly. We're so careful. We're protecting the youth, the future of America.

We're like, but they need to know about yo-yos. Look at the, ooh, the cat's cradle. Listen, there's a few really, really special people that have found their way in. Now, one of them is the cheese and crackers people. Yes. The cheese, crackers, sausage, somehow they're in. Yes. They get assemblies. All the kids and crackers people. Yes. The cheese, crackers, sausage, somehow they're in. Yes.

They get assemblies. All the kids have to sell their product. Who agreed that the entire school system would sell their product? I don't know. But, yeah, them, the magazine people. The yo-yo people. But the yo-yo people make the least amount of sense. Because it's a yo-yo.

Yeah. It's just like, it's a toy. Somewhere along the line, they got together. They must have a very strong union. They do. The yo-yo. And they're like- You union?

They call it the yo-yo union. The union. No, the you union. The union. Anyways. But there's nothing else you could do with a yo-yo, because you can't be like, you can't get a- They don't sell well in stores.

You can't get a residency on Las Vegas on the strip. Go see the new yo-yo-er. So somehow they just keep getting jobs going into schools selling their filth. The Pog people tried to get in. They got kicked out. They tried to sell their products. You can't rock the baby with Pogs. Did Pogs not get banned from your school?

Oh, yeah, they did. Super banned. It was gambling. Candy's been trying to get in for years. They're in, they're out, they're in, they're out. Candy is just smuggled in. Candy is a kid problem. The cruncher ban?

Yeah, it just comes in from the outside, and they're slinging it behind the teacher's back. Slinging the pop rock. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason I almost said the fantasy footballers Because football is getting going

And we do host the fantasy footballers podcast But that's not this show today Because today's show is about Can you spell words I hate this segment And the people love this segment Which makes me hate it all the more Well you didn't have to do the scat today.

That was nice. But you do have to try to spell things. We have Would You Rather. We have a very special draft. We're going to be drafting for a movie, characters for a movie, actors for a movie, and we'll leave it there.

It'll be a surprise. It'll be in the show title. Just don't read the show title. At SpitballersPod on Twitter, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Let's get it going. Would you rather? Before I read this would you rather question from Fred,

I will ask both of you, did you buy a yo-yo from the yo-yo peddlers? Oh, man, so many yo-yos. I did too. I never had a yo-yo. the yo-yo paddlers oh man so many yo-yos i did too i never had a yo-yo what you missed out bro you escaped oh man i had a uh i think it's a bumblebee that sounds right yeah like this thing had ball bearings oh yeah and this thing would you you whip that thing down it'd sleep for 35 minutes if you just left it there yeah i don't even know what that means like it was it was does that mean it will spin at the bottom yeah and that's called sleeping yes yeah

yo-yos are so stupid yo-yos are like tap dancers mike look i'm telling you you you put them on blast but sorry yo-yo people it's yeah but at least we've confined the yo-yo people to their space tap dancers are everywhere. Look, you didn't have one, Jay. Yeah. You weren't one of us. It was cool, man. You hit an around the world. Oh, yeah. And then when you get at the end of the yo-yo string, you go for an around the world, and that thing just

flies off into an innocent bystander. Fred from Twitter, would you rather have to pretend have a pretend back and forth conversation with every animal you encounter. Like Snow White. Or never be allowed to acknowledge an animal again. I don't know.

This is a pretend back and forth conversation. So this is like, oh, hey there, little birdie. Hey, little guy. Hey, little birdie. You enjoying that fry you found on the ground? Oh, yes, you are enjoying that. Wait. How long does this

mockversation have to be in order for it to be considered a true conversation? Like, in general. Two replies is a conversation. Like, if I'm passing someone in the hallway, and they're like, hey, Bob. And he's like, hey, how was your weekend? Oh, it's good. Yours? Good. And then we walk away.

I do not feel like we had a conversation. We didn't have a conversation in the hallway. They're like, hey, Bob. He's like, hey, how was your weekend? Oh, it's good. Yours good. And then we walk away. I do not feel like we had a conversation. We didn't have a conversation in the hallway. We said passing greetings in the hallway. Yeah, that's two replies. The problem is you're going to look like

a crazy person, first off, walking around talking to all the pigeons in New York City. Yeah. But it's just going to take too long so i think you do you have to at least put a cap because otherwise this is just your entire life is talking to birds well imagine like do you have to pretend to listen to them yes you have to pretend listen and is this like if i can just see them. So like, Hey, Fred, someone's walking a dog down the street. You're running to catch up. Dogs walking down the street.

You're going to have, if you, they walk by you, that's an encounter. Teddy. Yeah. But not across the street. If they walk by you. Yeah. If you encounter them. So that would be like your general vicinity.

I would say you got to, what's the radius? Six foot. Six foot. They're within six feet. Boom. Conversation. You don't get within six feet of a bird owl shaking his head you got to have a bigger radius than six feet 20 feet 20 feet that's fair that's so far away look the answer is I'm not acknowledging any animals I could go on the rest of my life not acknowledging an animal you're a monster I'd be fine you are a monster I'd be fine Jason a monster. I'd be fine. Jason Beckman.

No, I feel that same way. Like, I can't imagine. I mean, I was thinking that we had to make the conversation side of this equation very, very, very difficult. We got to point out all. Because otherwise, I mean, it would suck to not be able to talk and acknowledge any animals ever. I love animals. I love our pets. And, you know, I don't know what's weirder like let's say you go and you meet new neighbors okay you you move to to a

neighborhood and you oh hey how's it going just to completely ignore the dog that runs up to you and like act like it's not there at all or to to kneel down and just have a real conversation in front of your new neighbors now can i whisper it sure how are you liking your new home but what's creepier mike someone just having a real fun kind of loud you know leaning into it conversation like oh hey what do you like these home are they treating you nice what do they got you eating or hey dude what's going on hey can i talk to you about Tim? Hold on one second. I'll greet you in just second human.

How are they treating you in here? That's creepy. Yeah, it's super creepy. Well, it wouldn't be audible. It would just be me whispering sweet nothings into the dog's ear. What'd you have for dinner? Was it kibble again? Was it kibble again?

Did you gobble it down? Did you gobble it down? I'm going to never acknowledge another animal i'm gonna have the pretend back and forth conversations of course rob from the website at no cost to you would you rather eat eight ounces of the world's most expensive steak or drink eight ounces of the world's most expensive wine. Easy peasy. Yeah, this is. Look, I'm going to let you guys in on a secret. And by you guys, I'm talking about the spit wads out there.

Look. Is this actually a secret? Real, real, real expensive, fancy wine. I'm talking not like the, you know, okay, this is a nice bottle. This is 20 25 bottle this is you know it's behind the glass this is behind the glass yeah the wine behind the glass it tastes better because you paid more and for no other reason it does not taste any better you i'm telling you guys it's a sham it's just i mean there are there are certain things that taste better with age there are certain things that the money is worth it wine is one of those things that the more i have experienced really fancy nice bottles of wine the

more i go dude give me that blended red that's $10. And you enjoy a fine wine. I like wines, and I'm a little picky. Now, is your pickiness just simply it's not from a box? Yeah, I mean, there's certainly, there is a level you've got to get over for sure. But I'm telling you, whereas you get a super expensive piece of meat, oh, brother, oh, I can tell you how tender it is, how it's been lovingly cared for. But you can do that thing with a steak.

Now, the variability between crazy expensive steak and a Denny's steak, I'm not talking about that. But I'm talking about a $60 steak versus a Denny's steak. I'm not talking about that, but I'm talking about, you know, a $60 steak versus a $100 steak. You can trick yourself into think you're eating something better. Right. But when you're not. But I think that what Jason is saying is the sliding scale, it moves more for the steak.

it moves more for the steak like there is the threshold of you need once you're getting a fancy enough steak like there is a place where it levels off but it's much higher than that of the the wine yeah i mean look there are different types of cows you you get you get one of them a wagyu there's wealthy- There's wealthy cows? Right, exactly. That's why they cost so much. You get a wealthy Japanese cow, and that thing is unbelievable. There's no like, oh, these rotten wine juices are really fancy. Now, is it true that, because there's always the joke of like, oh, that was a terrible year, bad year. Have you ever actually experienced that? No. Where someone says, oh, that was a terrible year. Bad year. Have you ever actually experienced that?

No. Where someone says, oh, that was a bad year and it was bad? No. I've never experienced. Like a 2020 wine? Oh, I'll bet. Those are terrible. Yeah.

In another year or two when those start getting uncorked. They've just dumped them all. Yeah. Who knows what's in there? You don't want to drink a 2020 wine. I like how Jason just grabbed a hold of full authority of both of these topics. This is his domain? Yes.

The steaks and wine domain? Yes, 100%. And spoke with such authority. Guys, let me tell you something. Bring it in. Bring it in. Take a knee. I've been behind the glass.

Yeah, I mean, I'd rather have the steak. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. One of them's really good, and one of them is not. You don't like wine in general, right? No, it's not for me. Yeah. I get it.

All right. Father-son combo Stokes and Stokes on Patreon. Oh, thank you for your support. It says, would you rather have to eat ice cream outside in a blizzard or drink hot cocoa outside on a 120-degree day? Oh, man. Either way, you have to have already been in the environment for an hour and then remain there for another hour after. Oh, man. So this is, I mean, I can tell you, like, I don't know if I could survive drinking a hot beverage in the middle of a hot day.

Yeah. I don't know if I could survive drinking a hot beverage in the middle of a hot day. I mean, the cold in the cold would be awful too, but man. Oh, I think that sounds way worse. Really? Yeah. Eating ice cream out in a blizzard? Yeah. Look, just think about the action of eating ice cream. Sometimes it's too cold in your mouth and you're doing these gymnastics inside your mouth,

dancing the ice cream from side to side, and it's that cold outside too. You're already vacuuming. And you're eating in mittens? I mean, this is the situation. I'm taking that one. The idea of me trying to quench my mid-120 thirst with some hot cocoa outside i feel like my body would overheat i can do it and you know why because i can i can blow on it and i can let it sit there for a little bit i let it cool down i i your ice cream is not getting warmer

i'm a blizzard i want to live i want to. And I feel like one of these is, I will combust. I would absolutely. Go radioactive. I already run hot, which is going to help me in the cold. But if I am out in 120 degrees. First of all, this says I'm out in 120 degree weather for an hour before this, an hour after. Take the drink out of the equation and i am outside in 120 degree weather two hours i'm ded i'm dead no but see you have you've been hot you haven't been cold exactly but there is a

there's a different yes you do there's a different level of cold it's the cold that judge giamatti grew up in it's the cold when you're you feel wow, I didn't know that I could feel my bones. But my bones hurt. Have you been shaking cold before? I have been shaking cold before, yes. How did it feel? It was very, very cold. Now imagine that while you're balancing a spoon trying to get ice cream in your mouth.

Mike can't handle functionally eating it. I got mittens on. My hands are shaking. It's a situation. I'm not drinking hot cocoa in the middle. Do you know how hard that ice cream's going to be trying to scoop it out when it's freezing all around it? Thank you. I mean, hot cocoa doesn't cool down in 120 degrees outside.

A little bit. Slightly. You have to drink it hot, Mike. That's the whole point. I can blow on it. It doesn't say that I have to scald my mouth. Here's what I can do in the freezing cold. I can bundle up.

I am wearing. I mean, what are you wearing out there? You already brought it up. You got mittens on. Yeah. I mean, I'm having the power pack in that mitten thing with the hand warmers. I got the scarf on. I've got layer upon layer upon.

You can only get so naked in the heat. That's true. That's it. Once you're down to your skivvies, you're done. You can't get cooler. You're just sunburned. You've seen in Game of Thrones, when they're north of the wall, and Jon Snow, he's all bundled up.

The look on his face says that this man is not the slightest bit warm. It doesn't matter what he is wearing. You can put everything on. There is a cold, which I would assume in a blizzard, there is a cold that you cannot clothe yourself out of. Now, I will say this. The question is specific to 120 degrees in the heat, but is just a blizzard in the cold?

I don't know what constitutes a blizzard. Let's follow up question. What's a blizzard? A blizzard is a snowstorm, but I think it has to be windy. I think that's in the rules of a blizzard. Maybe, maybe not. Like a certain miles per hour? Look, that's leaving my body now.

I don't believe that anymore. I picture a blizzard, the snow does have to be traveling in a sideways fashion. The snow can't just be coming straight down. Oh, was I right, Al? Yes, sir. Severe snowstorm with high winds and low visibility. So high winds too, fellas. I'm turning my back to the wind.

It's going sideways. You're turning your back. I'm turning my back to the wind. That's right. He can block some wind. I got the hood up, and I feel none of that. You know what ice cream I'm eating? A blizzard.

That's what I'm choosing. I'm getting the DQ. Now, can I have the hot cocoa in the blizzard? Can anybody want to offer me that choice? Because that sounds great. Well, the good news is if you have an actual blizzard in the blizzard, somehow that thing will melt instantly.

As long as that thing does not stay frozen. You think blizzards don't stay frozen? Oh, man. Those things are... The second you grab that with your hand, it's melted. Oh, no way. What's a typhoon? A typhoon is a tropical storm of some kind.

Yes. Okay. I'm taking the blizzard in the blizzard. What's a squall? What is a squall? I think that has something to do with wind. I have never heard that word in my life. Never have I heard squall.

A squall is actually when two pigeons are fighting. I would believe it. Owl. Sudden violent gust of wind or a localized storm, especially one bringing rain, snow, or sleet, is a squall. Is a squall. Any other questions for the weatherman? Yes, Mike, how do you spell squall?

Ooh, I would go S-Q-U-A-L-L? Yeah, of course. Yeah, that's right. Now you're just warming me up for highway to spell. He's a regular squallman. Ooh, what's a squallman? I don't know. It's better than a typhoon.

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. All right, we're going to move on here. Highway to spell. It's everybody's favorite way to torture us on the show. All right. All right. You guys out there,

the spit wads, the listeners, you like this segment too much, which plunged us into our own world of despair. We like to be comfortable on this show. Just kind of fun and fancy free. Just say, say what we, what we feel. I have a real fear of a first round exit, which hasn't happened yet. No, not yet. but we're moving up the first round i know it's gonna happen we're not really are we no no we're not starting in seventh

grade i feel like that's moved up yeah can we back that up a little bit no we can't and uh who's going first today you are great i feel like that's the real risk. You fail. Yeah. 101. This is the first question on who wants to be a millionaire. Oh, man. Lock it in. Those people. It was just that has happened a few times. That would.

That's a shame where you can never return home. The end. Because how much time after you get selected for that show are you anticipating? You're excited. You walk out there. You get the question. Your family's watching. There's a lot. All right. There's a lot involved. Round one of Highway to're excited. You walk out there. You get the question. Your family's watching. There's a lot.

There's a lot involved. Round one of Highway to Spell. Ready to dominate. All right, Andy. Here is your seventh grade level word. Congratulations. I hate this word. I hate it. Wait a second. Is that a word?

Congratulations. Congratulations. What? Is that a word? Has someone ever given a singular congratulation? Hey, Mike, congratulation for? That sounds so stupid. First of all, that word sucks. But second of all, I have to try to spell it? Congratulation.

Oh, man. I got to use that one ever I can now. Look, just one. Yeah. Hey, Andy, congratulations on getting this word. I could offer you multiple, but I'm only giving you one. I hope I'm worthy of a single congratulation after this. Goodness.

Dealing me a ridiculously long word. C-O-N-G-R-A-T-U-L-A-T-I-O-N. Congratulations. Perfect. That's what I had on my board. But it is a tricky one because I've made the occasional throw a D in there. Oh, I have. Because you graduate.

I have put a D in that word more than I have put a T in that word. Now, I did know that it was a T. I know I get it wrong, so I would have gotten that one right but but i often get it wrong first go through while i'm typing yeah because it's congratulations no it's congratulations congratulations i just like that al had no clue that that's how the word was gonna get read at all that is true uh all right mike i made it through here's your seventh grade level word. Distinguished. Ooh.

Distinguished. Okay. D-I-S-T-I-N-G-U-I-S-H-E-D. Distinguished. Booyah. How come I didn't get that sound effect? I just pulled it up. Okay.

Oh, man. I feel robbed. I feel horrible. I feel, because those two words- Those are both long words. Those were rough. Those were rough. Oh, here we go, guys.

Squall. No, I quit. Hold on. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you give me my word, I want to ask a genuine question. Am I allowed to leave the show today? Can I just go home?

No. Please. Dang it. All right. All right, Jason. Your seventh grade level word. Please be car attendance oh attendance huh attend oh shoot oh man okay okay is that a we go oh no we go courtside

we got a vowel situation we've got a real problem here. I thought the problem at first was going to be, wait, is this one T or two T's? And then all of a sudden I got to attend and I went, are we? Okay. Andy, do you have it? I think I do. Yes. All right.

Oh, I don't like this. Okie dokie. Here we go. Attendance. A, T, T. this okie-dokie here we go attendance a t t oh no they're already laughing no e n d e n c e i do not have a buzzer but that is incorrect oh no the first i know what was wrong first round exit i hate myself there was a vowel problem. There was a second, the last.

It's dance. It is dance. It's D-A-N-C-E. That's what I wrote the first time. I wrote two, and I wrote attendance, and it just looked wrong, so it went dense. When you're taking a test, you always go with your first. Wow. Man.

And then there were two. And then there were two. And then there were two. Silver lining, you don't have to spell anymore. Oh, man. Moving on to eighth grade with our final two competitors. Andy, here is your eighth grade level word.

Precocious. Oh, gosh. Oh, what? Wait a second. Precocious? gosh oh what wait a second precocious what is this it's it's a word you always sound precocious i'm so happy i'm out now i mean it quick oh my goodness all right um i got the first letter yeah i'm taking a shot i'm taking my shot mike i wrote it down hold on what precocious p-r-e-c-o-c-i-o-u-s precocious oh holy crap all right let me just tell you this going for back to back here as i'm as i'm reading through what i wrote down and what he's saying we had so many differences i mean There was not just like Oh yeah

That letter's wrong You didn't just get the vowel No You spelled Precosios Yes I did Yes I did Is that a spell

From Harry Potter That is Precosios Precosios It makes people spell things Alright I made it through Okay Alright Mike

Here is your Eighth grade level word Oh no Susceptible All right, I made it through. Okay. All right, Mike. Here is your eighth grade level word. Oh, no. Susceptible. Susceptible. Oh, what am I? I am the worst.

Okay. Oh, goodness gracious. If you can see what I wrote, it's so stupid. Now, do we have a sneaky snook sitting in here, not making any sounds? Susceptible. Oh, gosh dang it. Just know that you lose if you fail. Susceptible. S-U-S-C-E-P-T-A-B-L-E.

Susceptible. That's how I would have spelled it. Oh, you were so close. It's I-B-L-E, right? It is I-B-L-E. Oh, baby. That was my easiest win of all time. I-B-L-E?

Yeah. Susceptible. Oh, man. That was my easiest win of all time. I-B-L-E? Yeah. Susceptible. Oh, man. Susceptible. Why can't we pronounce words like we spelled it? Congratulations. Good work, Andy. You want to keep going until you get it wrong, Andy?

Go for it. Oh, let's go. Let's go. Susceptible. All right, Andy. Here is your ninth grade level word. All right. Cavalcade.

Well, I got it wrong. Cavalcade? What does that even that even i don't know that word a formal procession of people walking on horseback or riding in vehicles cavalcade i feel like you can at least sound that one out though i'm trying not to take the the layup on on that one this one i'm gonna guess it's uh it's C.A.V.E.L.C.A.D. I'm going to take the shot with the A. Yeah it is the C.A.V.A.L.C.A.D. Well just for the record I won

and I went with the I so Cavalcade No he's that's the actor that's Superman That's right yeah he's very handsome Oh I should add him to my list Alright No, that's the actor that's Superman. That's right. Yeah, he's very handsome. Oh, I should add him to my list.

All right. That was a short one. It was. That was a short one. My apologies. Let's start about that third grade next time. Let's hit the draft. The Spitballers Draft. Mike, why don't you explain what we're doing today?

So today we are casting for the imminent blockbuster. Yes, of course it will be a blockbuster, but the upcoming Spitballers biopic. Oh, man. So we are each formulating our cast. I will be choosing an actor for myself, Jason Andy, and Al Borland. Oh, man. So we are each formulating our cast. I will be choosing an actor for myself, Jason Andy, and Al Borland. Yeah. And how we choose to go about casting, well, that's how the draft is going to unfold.

I would say that I have the first pick, and you want a good movie. I mean, you want to sell tickets. Yes. Are we going theaters and straight to streaming at the same time? Or is this going to hit the theaters for a little while? No, this will be in the theaters and on HBO Max immediately because that's how I would prefer it to be. So I can just watch it at home. Okay.

All right. I'm not even going to the theater for a while. You're not going to the red carpet? You've got to go to the red carpet. But the red carpet is just walking me right back to my own couch oh it's a it's it's a carpet into like a figure eight type of thing that goes out and comes right back in um so it's this is tough because i have the first pick and this is not a traditional draft where there's something jumping out you know we're not choosing best

basketball players of all time right we're choosing Not only do we have to choose actors to play Mike, Jason, myself and Al, but you have to put them in an order. You got to decide who's the hardest person to cast. That is true. And do you, do you toot your own horn?

Right. Cause you could go for the gold. Do you just try and disparage one of us? Look, a good biopic is believable. A good biopic is something that you can relate to the characters within. And there are certain characters. Look, none of us, we're not currently in any blockbusters.

Not yet. We're regular people. And so I need relatable people to tell the story of the spitball. Okay. All right. And I'm going to, so my first pick, I'm going to cast for who I think is the hardest person to nail, which is Jason. Oh. Oh. Okay. All right. So my first pick I'm going to cast for who I think is the hardest person to nail, which is Jason. Oh.

Okay. Oh, man. Don't take my name. I'm drafting Jack Black. That was my number one pick? Yeah. With the 101. I'll take that.

Jack Black is likable. Dang it. Manner is a match to Jason. And I think probably finding Jason is the hardest job. And that's why Mike was about to draft him. Yeah. 100. Was that going to be your first pick?

That was going to be my first pick. Wow. Hot darn. Who thought that the one-on-one would, would be like up for grabs from someone else here. I can't believe it. So I'm going Jack Black to play Jason Moore Okay

I'll take that Because he's hilarious Do you know it's been 20 years Since School of Rock Is that why it was trending Yes 20 years Wow That was a long time ago

You guys are so old Alright Now are you in a different spot than you thought Yeah. That was a long time ago. You guys are so old. All right. Now are you in a different spot than you thought you'd be? Yeah, now I feel like I'm instantly pushed into a corner here because I'm not going to draft for Jason because that's not sound strategy for a draft. Unless there's one other Jason jumping out at you. There's one more on my list,

but I know Jason as a human, and I feel like I know who he's going to draft for himself. You're darn right you do. You're darn right you do. Now the question is, do I just do that because it's funny and take that choice away from you? Oh, man. No, I'll let that go.

I'm going to – I only have one person for myself i don't i've blocked locked it in i don't know but you better take them so i'm just gonna draft for myself uh i'm gonna go he's a sensational actor he uh he could be awesome he's devastatingly handsome like me are you writing down your guess over there? You bet I am. I don't think you got it. Did you write down Hemsworth? Yeah, I did. No. I felt like Hemsworth doesn't look enough like me, even movie-wise. Muscles, yes.

I've got a second guess. Face is a little bit different. All right, you write down. But this guy has been super jacked before. I'm going to take Tom Hardy. That was the first name on my list for you. Was it? Yeah.

Tom Hardy for Mike. Okay. That's a great pick. I mean, the reality is when I'm looking. I thought you might jump for, well, I won't say it. Like The Rock? Somebody like that. Yeah.

Yeah. When I was looking, I just was looking up bearded actors, and Tom Hardy can rock. Oh, he's got a great beard. Great beard. That's a good match. Okay. All right. So we got Oh, he's got a great beard. That's a good match. Okay. All right. So we got to.

Oh, man. All right. I'm going to go. I'm going to go to Al here. I'm going to take the first pick of the producer. Now, do you go literal? There is. I think I'm going a little literal, but I also want.

I think that there can be levity coming from the character because I want the producer role to be enjoyable and funny in the movie. And what we know about Al, obviously referred to as Al Borland a lot, so you can go that route. But I was just thinking, really, who's going to match the most but bring a little bit of levity. Who's the closest. So I went with Danny DeVito, Danny DeVito. You know, I just want it.

I was, I had his, you know, I had Al's picture pulled up. And so I was like looking and trying to, trying to find a good one. And when I came across it, I was like,

Oh, it's right there. How have we not brought that? I know where this draft is now headed. I know where this draft is going. And Al's on the butt of it. Right on the butt. Oh, alright. I need to modify my picks. Suddenly

Brooks loves Paul Giamatti comps. Wow. What a one-on-one for Al. Look, I'll tell you that, Al, you are hilarious Look I'll tell you that Al you are hilarious I can tell you that Love your work Where'd he go Alright now

Not in a million years did I think that name was coming out of your mouth Do I just grab But it's a good perfect comp Do I grab myself here Alright Yes I do here you know just all right uh yes i do yes i do one of my favorite one of my uh favorite things here i'm gonna go chris pratt i will take chris pratt for myself um now is that uh oh no that's in shape Chris Pratt. Okay.

I mean, not like in shape like Jurassic Park. He's a method actor. He'd be willing to... I'm going to have him add a couple LBs, take some time off the workout. Dad bought it. Yeah, Dad bought it. But we're not going all the way back to Parks and Rec. Well, and it gets the classic Pratt-DeVito combo we've been waiting for.

That is... Oh, my goodness. All right. Up to you, Mike. All right. Up to you, Mike. All right. Uh, okay. So I've, I have Tom Hardy for myself. Uh, you've, if you've listened to this time or the show for any amount of time, we already know that Andy has a doppelganger, so I'm, I'm just going to take it away from him because he took, he took from me. And Andy shakes his head at me. Meanwhile, I'm giving him like a humongous compliment.

No, no, no. I'll take the compliment. I will take. I just wanted to pick him. I will take Ryan Gosling for Andy. They look very similar. I freaking love Ryan Gosling so much. I take more than you.

No, I take that as you love me. Yeah, we just upgraded the show. We got baby goose. All right. You're up. Well, I guess I'm not drafting that for myself. So I'm going to go with, I'm going to start with Al. Okay.

All right. Al's had a very rich, dark beard. Yes, yes, yes. But I have seen him without it. Okay. And I've also run him through a few of the face filters and taken the beard off. Okay. And there's an actor that I think that can play the role of Al with some accuracy here.

I think I know where you're going. And I don't know how people feel about him anymore. Uh-oh. But Dane Cook is getting drafted to play Al Borland. Wow. Dane Cook's a handsome gent. I'll take that

all day. Dane Cook is now Al Borland. I just saw when you get stuck in the Facebook video feed and they just trap you for a couple hours. There was, like, this whole thing of, like, what happened to Dane Cook? Yeah. So there you go.

I thought for sure when you got rid of the beard, I thought for sure that you were going Steve and Shimmy. I was, you know, I was like, it's right there. But here's the thing. I think Dan Cook... I saw some pictures of Dan Cook. I was like, man, that... You know.

And he's a funny guy. He could play that role. And then... He's way funnier than Owl. Owl's nodding. He's happy. And I'm going to pick my Mike. I'm saving myself for the last.

Now, Mike is famous for a lot of different things. Yes. One of them being kind of like a resting angry face. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm going to go left field here, but I'm going to draft Kiefer Sutherland. I can totally see that. That is a great-

I'm taking Kiefer Sutherland for Mike. Dude, that is fantastic. I don't have him on my list. I never thought about him. You have my word. But when you said that, I can totally see that. Wow. I mean, he's a little bit aged out. I've never

seen him with a beard in my life, but I... He's got a beard. I've seen him bearded. He could pull it off. Some of the people on my list are certainly much older when I'm looking at them. Oh, okay. For everybody here, I was like, this guy's older, but I'll put him on there. That's how I feel about Kiefer. But that, I get it.

Kiefer is prime. All right. So now, just for the record, I have Al is being played by Dane Cook. Jason is Jack Black. Mike is Kiefer Sutherland. All right. So you have to pick yourself. So I no longer have any strategy because I have to pick Owl and Jason who Jason,

yes, the two player or two actors you already have. Right, Jay? What's that? You drafted Owl and yourself. That is correct. All right. I am going to look. I'm... I'm keeping the handsome quotient at 100 over here. Andy, if you had given Owl another good comp, I would have had to really find somebody. Oh, you would have had to double down? I messed that up, didn't I? To just absolutely put him into a body bag. But I also went looking for a dark beard.

Yeah. And then I was like oh this actually this makes sense the personality where al is very he's very funny but he's very matter of fact like he's he's not a zany fella he's he's a serious guy and i think that this this actor could pull it up i'm going with jake gyllenhaal oh no jake gyllenhaal okay no no because that's too good no well I mean clearly you know way above what was necessary but um no nobody's ever been compared to Gyllenhaal and DeVito in the same show no those two are not doppelgangers I'm running out of people for you oh was that Gyllenhaal was gonna be my pick for you? Yes. Oh,

no. All right. That's good. I need you up against the wall. So I've only got that just means something terrible is about to happen. You have Ryan. You're right. Tom Hardy, Jake Gyllenhaal. You just have to pick Jason for the record. I had Tom Hardy and Jake Gyllenhaal ahead. So you

you just screwed yourself here, Mike. But I was thinking who could grow a mean beard and who's got a resting angry face he's he'll he'll be fine not talking to you while he while you talk to him yeah you know what i mean he's again i said we're going a little older here this is this is a little a little a little aged out but nick offerman nick offerman yes you got the big beard and the get away from me we're not talking nick offerman was on my short list for you jason perfect we should share our short list afterwards yes i look forward to yeah oh goodness he was on the list i will say this i i took him over jason momoa i apologize but oh on. I know you like Jason Momoa. I had to lean in there.

I had Momoa on my list for you too, Mike. Just couldn't quite get there. Momoa said no. We had to go to Nick Offerman. You were debating, do I go Jason Momoa or Kiefer Sutherland? Yes. I think I made the right choice. I'm seeing bearded Kiefer sutherland pop up in my slack

channel and it's a spot on all right well you have to pick me now i've got to pick you oh this is tough because there are no one's list is as varied as andy's okay i mean i've got john cleese on this list john yeah trying to go grandpa well i've got ryan gosling on this list. John. Yeah. Trying to go grandpa. Well, I've got Ryan Gosling on the list. That's what I'm saying. As wide as I'm a, I'm a, I'm a perfect police.

If you could take John Cleese and Ryan Gosling and put them together. Um, John Cleese still living. I still alive. Right. All right. So I've got two more that are very, very similar to those two.

Like an old guy that is more of a funny comp here or like a handsome devil. He's 81, by the way. Who would be great. Oh, man. Oh, give him Eastwood. Oh, that's not bad. I could get behind the old Eastwood.

I'm going to go with someone. Clint Eastwood's currently the oldest man living. Yes. Well, Christopher Lloyd and Clint Eastwood are currently the oldest man living yes well Christopher Lloyd and Clint Eastwood are the two oldest guys much younger he's you know nice we all like him uh at at 69 years old I'm going to go with someone again that we all like who is a father figure okay he's got that presence of leadership alan thick oh i don't know i'm pivoting i'm pivoting no not to pivot not not to alan thick i'm pivoting away from here because at the end

of the day i want the movie to be good okay at the end of the day i want the movie to be good and no idea and i love this dude so much he is one of my absolute favorite actors. He's a handsome devil. I'm being very kind to you here, Andy. I'll take it. I'm going with Ryan Reynolds because I want him in our movie. I want Ryan Reynolds in the movie. Reynolds and Pratt in the same movie.

I mean, that's going to be a blockbuster extravaganza. With Offerman and DeVito? You were this close to Michael Keaton. You were this close. Oh,aton. You were this close. Oh, okay. All right. That's funny. Okay, so to get this, I'm going to lay this out.

You have selected Chris Pratt for yourself. That's right. Awesome. Good pick. You gave Andy Ryan Reynolds. So great. I mean, one of my favorites. Who did you get?

And I'm Nick Offerman. Now, to be fair, I love Nick Offerman. He's hysterical. I'll trade you. Yeah, I didn't body you. I bodied Danny DeVito over there. The penguin over there. The penguin.

He does love his birds, Owl. Oh, my gosh. Mike, you have one final pick. It's Jason. All right, I'm going to go with a an actor who he comedy. Absolutely not a problem for this guy. An actual like like real, you know, serious acting. Also not a problem for this guy. And look, you know, I'm trying to match up. Physique does match. He's a bit of a bigger guy. He's a larger fella.

But he's awesome. Okay. I'm going with Jonah Hill. Okay. I'm giving Jason Jonah Hill. After what you did to me, I'm still being kind. Wait. Wait a minute.

Hold up. That was meaner than me giving you Nick Offerman. No. Have you seen Jonah Hill lately? Oh, he looks terrible. No, he looks terrible. No, he does not. He looks in shape.

And this is a bad look. No, Jonah Hill's getting himself in shape. I think the comps are matches for each other. I get it. I get it. I'm fine. I'm fine with that. But when you say I'm being kind and I'm giving you Jonah Hill, that's not. Just imagine what his unkind comp would have been.

Yeah, what was the other option? Danny DeVito? Oh, but Jonah Hill's at least our age. Nick, how old is Offerman? He's 50. I mean, you know. Yeah, but he's a pretty cool dude, man. He's 50.

His beard is gray. He's a woodworker. I mean, he can dye the beard for the movies. We're going to have him be a young, angry man. He almost took John cleats for me. He's 81. Almost. Oh no.

He almost said he turns me into a devastatingly handsome Deadpool. Yeah, that's true. Oh man. I'll make you a canoe. You still have, I have to pick myself. I have to select myself out there.

No, I'm going to go with, uh, I'm going to go with a, an actor that I've been comped to before. It will fit into the... I'm going more like Dane Cook, Jack Black, Kiefer Southerner. There's a resemblance. There's a feel. And so I will take Joel McHale.

Oh, totally. Yep, that totally makes sense. I will go with Joel McHale to round out my movie. Mike has Ryan Gosling, Tom Hardy, Jonah Hill, and Jake Gyllenhaal going on some crazy adventures together in the Spitballers biopic. Jason has Ryan Reynolds, myself, Chris Pratt, himself, Danny DeVito, of course, as Al, and Nick Offerman as Mike. Ron Swanson over there.

He was third on my list. I tried to go Tom Hardy. I tried to go Tom. He was third on my list. I tried to go Tom Hardy. I tried to go Jake Gyllenhaal. Now, other short list names. I want to bring them up. Yeah, we've got to run through these. I really only have two. Oh, wow.

I had two more guys set up for Andy. If I needed to go one direction, I was going to give Andy David Arquette. Oh, that's good. He was almost on my list for Andy. I really hate him. Yeah, he's terrible, but he surprisingly looks very similar to Ryan Gosling. Yeah, a little bit. And then for younger fellas, if I was going to give Andy another good comp,

I was going to go with Robert Pattinson. Okay. Really? The height. The height? Yeah. That's very kind. he's swole right now he's super pale though and that matches me too for andy like he's a vampire so um he's also batman i guess i ran through my andy list the only person that was on there that i didn't this is so revealing that that i That I didn't bring up was Charles Dance.

You know him better as Tywin Lannister. I was trying to go. You were going old. I was trying to go old grandpa. That was. Oh my gosh. Hey, you got Ryan Riddles. Thank you.

Thank you. Do you have any others? Yeah. Oh yeah. Who are we going to now? Well, I had Jason. I had one more for Jason. Jason's were Jack Black, Nick Offerman, and James Corden.

Oh, I see that. I had Will Arnett because he's got the cul-de-sacs, and I love his sense of humor. Nice. Zach Galifianakis. I mean, that's where I thought you might be going. That's a good one. And then Dave Bautista because I could cast whoever I want, and he's huge

and handsome and and i did have ryan dunn on mike's list because you know you get that compliment and for jeremy i threw mark walberg in there as a backup oh that's nice i had richard karn is my backup first yeah i had him there too richard karn he doesn't do a lot of movies i also had harrison ford um on my list for for uh al because he seems like a manly man, get it done type. So it's just a matter of how did I feel in the moment about my good friend Owl? And you felt DeVito. Yeah, baby. All right, that'll do it for today's draft.

What did we learn today? what did we learn today i learned that i need to practice spelling much better because much more because and grammar and grammar and all you're like i gotta go back to school um i think i got almost every single word wrong when i was writing them down over here. I was going to say, I'm learning that winning these Highway to Spells is getting easier and easier by the week. And I learned that Jason sees me as a 50 year old man. That's really good at carpentry.

I am neither of those things. You know, Nick Offerman would be a good Al Borland. It would. Much better fit. Would you have preferred Jared Leto, who's the only name on my list? Ooh. Yes. Okay. Goodbye.

Sorry. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out SpitballersPod.com.