Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spit Hits: ZOOMin' Down The Road & Movies To Torture Your Foes - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Spit Hit for September 22, 2022: We’ve got some ‘Is This Real Life’ back on today’s show after a lengthy absence. We also discuss giving money to people who don’t deserve it and having our text messages left on read. We close it down with a draft of movies we would like to make our mortal enemies sit through. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Spit wads. Oh, we have a spectacular spit hit episode for you today. We're doing some is this real life on the podcast and look, we close it down with a draft of movies that we would like to make our mortal enemies sit through. You don't want to miss a minute. Enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Hoogie doogie boogie boogie boogie jamone. Oh no.

I fell into the jamone. Oh, no. I fell into the shamone. Oh, no. I fell. I was trying to avoid it at all costs. You knew what my oh no meant. Yeah, you fell right in. I fell right in. I was like, I'm going to sidestep it.

To be fair, I didn't really hit you with a come on. I gave you more of a shamone. Yeah, that was shamone. Totally different. Yeah. Totally new. That's. Yeah. Totally new. That's like Da Bingy. If you hit us with a Da Bingy, people can't say crap. Welcome into the Spitballers comedy podcast.

I could just tell that the cadence was speeding up and there was only one choice for you is to finish with the come on. Shimon. We have Would You Rather on the show today. I think we're going to do some Is This Real Life? I mean, I'm prepared for it. I am as well. And then we have a draft.

That should be a lot of fun. And yeah, thanks for that, Scott. You can find us on Twitter at Spitballerspod welcome spitballerspod.com is the website you can learn how to become an official spitwad supporter and thank you everyone out there all you official

spitwads supporting the show suggesting different questions for these segments and bringing us joy on a daily basis you can watch the show youtube.com slash spitballers as well. Ready to get started? Yeah. Would you rather?

All right, Maggie from the website has a would you rather question. She says, your home automation has gone wonky. Would you rather lose control of your thermostat, your lights, or your entertainment system? Whichever system you choose will change randomly and without warning. So, for example,

temperature will randomly change throughout the day. Lights will randomly turn on and off and or change color. And then the entertainment system will randomly change volume channels, which are watching. All of these are bad. All of them are bad. Very bad. But there's only one that I don't think really has the same level of effect.

Because, for instance, and, you know, we bring this up a lot, especially nowadays as it's creeping towards summer at the moment. But in Arizona, you don't touch my thermostat. That thing going off or going up, it's not happening. Now, I feel like the stereotype of the dad when it comes to thermostats. Oh, yeah. Stingy dad? Has always been. You have the radar that goes off that because someone has touched the thermostat.

And it's because they tried to turn the air on, cool the house down. And as you hear the power bill just racking up in your head. It's like, ching, ching, ching, ching. Leaving the door open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not air conditioning the outside. Which I have said that several times. No, you haven't. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah, I have. Ooh, that's cringy.

You've never said that? No, I mean if I can. Andy's nodding like he said it. I've probably, I mean we make sure you close the door, that's for sure. Because I don't know what's going on with children and, you know what, nope. I don't, people. People in general. We just had some folks over and

I'm not going to name any names, but no one can close a freaking door behind you. I don't know what the problem is. It does seem incredibly hard for others to do that. It's real simple. Because it's the same thing as what you did on the way open. You just do it backwards. I mean, there's a technique.

As you're going out, just put your arm behind you, grab that patio door. It's a slider. That's the problem for sure. And people are just like man i would i want nothing more than just have your house full of bugs see that that's that's my issue is the bugs like i don't want i don't want flies and things getting in the house that's why i want to shut more than the the air conditioner but now there might be people that that don't shut shut it that are adults but where you were first going i don't think there's a kid alive who knows

how to shut a door. Yes, that's correct. There's none. Well, they've got to get somewhere, and that would stand in the way of them getting to that place. Right. In either direction. I mean, it doesn't matter if they're going out back to play

or if they just need to come in for a drink. That door is staying open. Now, we're tangenting a little bit, but at our house, we have a very big sliding door, and it can actually open house, we have a very big sliding door and it can actually open twice. Like you pull it back and it can go farther. And that seemed like an amazing feature. We've used it, right? We've used it when it's nice outside. All

I can think about is what bird is going to fly into my house. That's all I can think about is some creature that should not be able to get into my house is going to get into my house. And the worst, the I believe they're called mosquito hawks, even though when you look it up, they don't actually really eat mosquitoes. Yeah, they look like giant mosquitoes.

And they look like mosquitoes, except they have evolved and their legs have grown. From Starship Troopers. That's where they're from. It's like a mosquito bred with a spider. Yes. That's how it looks. And they're harmless. Yeah, they are.

But they're not harmless to the psyche, though. No, they are not. I mean, when you see these things, they are. They're huge. They're huge. They freak you out. Because you don't know they're there. They're not making a noise.

They just all of a sudden, they're right in front of your face. And they're big. Oh, they are scary looking. You know, to speak to your story, open the door, you're afraid birds. So we just moved this last week. First day. First day that my wife is there, she texts me, ah, there's a bird in the house. And so there's a bird.

And then the bird kept trying to get out through the closed door. And it did not go well for that bird. Oh, no. But over and over. The bird caught himself. The bird caught himself the bird caught himself yes ironically we had a bird uh get into our place as well oh but we got it out without harm what kind of bird a little bitted baby bird okay so it wasn't like a pigeon no no no an eagle eagle why does it go right to eagle because the mental picture of an eagle getting lost in the house was funny.

A flamingo! It's so absurd that a pigeon might get in your house. That would be bad. They're everywhere. A pigeon would be bad. That's a heartier bird. Man. All right, we were answering this would you rather question.

What is the question? Well, Jason makes the right point, but it doesn't really help to make that point. The thermostat's the one you certainly don't want, but you have to pick one. Yeah. So the thermostat one's out. So the thermostat one we're not picking. The other two, I mean, if you're watching, one of these is like if you get rid of entertainment and you say, okay, entertainment's going to change on its own, it's going to turn off

when you don't want, it's going to change to something else when you don't want, that's basically saying we don't have entertainment. Like, get rid. I will never turn that thing on. That's true. If all of a sudden it's like, and now you're watching a terrible movie. That is a huge problem. But also, if you don't go with that one, another massive problem.

You're just going to be sitting, minding your business. That's what it's going to do. If that entertainment system can just turn on. Oh, it can turn on when it's off and you're walking around. And just at maximum volume and just shriek at you whenever it wants. Yeah, but what about the lighting if you're sleeping at night? I'll put an eye mask on. Oh, I like that.

Even when you're watching shows and stuff. What about when you're carrying boxes through your house and all of a sudden sudden there's no lights in the house i guess that it's the lesser of three evils here and i guess the lights is the lesser of three evils the lights is oh yeah yeah yeah for sure so okay philip from patreon would you rather give money to someone who deserves it but doesn't need it or someone who needs it but doesn't deserve it interesting feel the needs it but doesn't deserve it. Interesting.

Phil the philosopher over here. Actually, yeah, this is pretty. This is deep stuff right here. This is pretty interesting because, man, someone who deserves it but doesn't need it and somebody who needs it but doesn't deserve it. You got to quantify deserves it. Okay. Deserves it is probably of moral character to deserve the money. Right.

But that's me making the decision now. I am Judge Dredd over here. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah. I mean, the case that kind of jumps out is there's people. Look, people beg for money. And there are also people that are addicted to drugs that live on the street. And they might just take your money and they are also people that are addicted to drugs that live on the street and they

might just take your money and they would use it on on drugs and you and some people don't give to those people because they say they don't deserve the money because they're going to waste the money right um but then there are people that maybe don't need it that hard-working really nice millionaire here's here's a hundred dollars maybe a benevolent person a person that does give a lot hard-working, really nice millionaire. Here's $100. Maybe a benevolent person. A person that does give a lot of money away or give their time away. Right. But then they're going to give it to someone who doesn't deserve it. Either way,

it's the scoundrels with my money. So a charity could have enough money. They could have fundraised enough money, but you could still say, oh, they deserve more money to spend on the charity. That's fair. Yeah, that could work. I just feel like it's a really hard situation.

I'm trying to put my mind in any situation where someone I know that absolutely has no need of money that I would think, you know what? I'm going to give you some money. I'm going to give them some money. I can make it easier. All right. What if it's not? I think we're thinking of it as like doesn't need it like they have plenty. But let's put the need as an imminent need.

So let's say it's a teacher, right? She can eat and she can pay her bills. She can pay her bills. She doesn't really need it for a meal today. But she's doing a job of education. My son is learning so much from her. The maths and the sciences. All of the...

You have no idea what your kids are learning, do you? I mean, what do they do? I don't even know the name of their school. She's such a good teacher. So, you know, what do you think about giving it to somebody who doesn't deserve it, that needs it, that needs a meal? I think that's the entire foundation of giving, is you are giving to someone who probably doesn't deserve it. It needs a meal. I think that's the entire foundation of giving is you are giving to someone who probably doesn't deserve it. Okay.

Does anyone deserve anything? Let's start there. Oh, big philosophy. Does anybody deserve anything? I hear the producers chuckling. I think the answer is probably no. Yeah. Okay.

I think you're right. I think none of us deserve any. No one deserves a thing. Right. So everything is giving. Yeah, we're not entitled to anything. It's a better way to live life. A better way to think about life is that I'm not giving based on what other people deserve.

I'm giving because I think it's important to give. Yeah, I like that. And in which case, it's got to go to the one who needs it. Right? You got to do it. I guess when you break it down like that, I'm thinking, you know. Changing lives on this show. Both producers, we pay them whether they deserve it or not.

Yeah, they don't deserve any. They do not deserve it. I mean, I sit back and I watch us work super hard morning, noon, and night. Right. And I'm looking in that room every moment. The producer room, it's like. Jump rope. Yeah, they're just.

Hula hoops. Sometimes they're just Roch hoops i sometimes they're just rochambeau they're they're playing paper rock scissor when they're who gets to do least work today yeah oh we tied both of us i mean i'm like you guys are gonna wrap this up soon right because i got like i got a tea time coming up here oh of course man okay you've been working hard you deserve that tea time yeah you're right i deserve it for sure i've got to get out of here in like 20 minutes so yeah you got a tea time wrap this up hey uh make sure this show gets produced guys um yeah but no i think that's right i think we give money i might deserve it now we've we've proven that we

give money to those who do not deserve it right um so that no one deserves no and no one deserves it vince from twitter would you rather read% slower than you currently do but have a lifelong retention of it or read anything 300% faster but forget it after a day? Oh, that's a layup. Yeah. Is it? The forgetting it after a day ruins it. Yeah, yeah. That's too short of a –

You should just say remember what you do now because I read books and then I come back to them two years later and I'm depressed that I don't retain more of that information. And then I come back to them two years later, and I'm depressed that I don't retain more of that information. I say to myself, self, you sat on that couch, and you read that book for two weeks, two years ago. Shouldn't that be enough to retain that information? And I don't. I'm with you.

You've got to change the question. 80% slower. Wow, that's a lot slower. 80% slower. Especially for Jason. But you, yes. Oh, yes. Lifelong retention for 80% 300 faster and it's normal just whatever you retain right now and i'm choosing 80 slower i'm going to take lifelong i know because i'm gonna i want the information i want it to cement

itself in my brain forever now here's the real question if you were to read every sentence like four or five times would you retain oh would you automatically like that's oh you're like oh i i can do this in real life all i gotta do is just keep reading the paragraph over and over out loud five times would be 80 slower there you go so you just you read it five times and then boom bam wow that would suck if you had to read every book five times if you read it five in a row you would retain it better this is a superpower for me i mean this is because i am not i'm not a i am by no means a poor reader um you know the words i'm not a fast yeah i know the words um you know I can sound them out, but I'm not a fast reader. I'm slow with reading.

My retention is fine. I would love to be able to power through books. People that sit down, you just said. People be double fisting books. I have no idea how they're doing it. It's impossible. But if I could sit down and read a book. It's because he doesn't actually read it.

His eyes just look at the words. Yeah, I don't know why I don't retain this stuff. How fast can I turn the page? 30% of those words. Now, Al brings up an interesting point. You got a problem with all reading. All reading. Email.

Menus. Text. You better be jumping on Yelp and making sure you look at the menu before you get there. You got a plan. If you read a speech, are you not looking so great? Absolutely. No, you're not going to be wanting to get up in front of a crowd and read that teleprompter. Live to the class of 2020.

You just got to really put in a lot of emotion. Yes. In every speech I give. You know, and then they'll be like, oh, that guy really. Hold on. No, no. You need to. I was in that.

I was locked in, man. You had me convinced of something. I was in that. I was locked in, man. You had me convinced of something. I know for a fact that this show. Oh, it's painful. It's hurting me inside.

Yeah. I'm taking the speed reading. But now I'm just thinking like, you know, it's funny because this is slow, but like the scene in The Matrix where they go and they load everything up. And it's like, hold on. I know Kung Fu now, or I'm learning how to fly a helicopter. Let me just imagine you're just in my spare time. I'm reading a book on how to fly a helicopter. And now I know.

And now I know forever. I was going to say, you become too smart if you could retain all of the things you read. You turn into a supervillain? No, I'm saying it's a good thing. Oh. I'm saying I'm going to say, you become too smart if you can retain all of the things you read. Ooh. You turn into a supervillain? No, I'm saying it's a good thing. Oh. I'm saying I'm going for that one. So, Mike, what's your final answer? Are you taking the retention?

I'm going slower. Slow and steady wins the race. Oh, man. Okay. Renee from the website, would you rather all of your texts be left on read or left undelivered? So, if you're not familiar when you – that's a, I mean, most people got to be familiar, right? This is what the kids are talking about. But I feel like that's like, isn't that more on like iPhones or does it happen on everything?

I mean, we don't know these Android devices. So left on read or left on delivered. So this is the ones you send out or the ones that you receive? Send out. Yeah, so that you know that they saw it. Okay. And here's, like, this is a problem. I think that.

Left on red's a huge problem. No, I think that the problem that we have this is bad. Oh, you mean it is a problem that this exists? I do not. When they brought it up, okay, that sounds interesting. I can know. Has someone received my message and everything? But how about this?

If someone gets my message, just shoot me a thumbs up. That problem is taken care of. And now I am no longer spying on your life where I'm diving in. I know you got my message eight hours ago. Actually, you know what? It is a societal problem. It's troubling and causes problems. I'm an old man shouting at clouds right now.

No, it causes problems because here's what's happened before. Texts, they can arrive when you're busy. And you might glance at it, send across that red message. But you really don't have a time. You don't have time to answer. And then you'll get the follow-up like ghost sign like the ghost symbol like hey you didn't answer fast enough for me i have the opposite problem i am so worried of someone seeing that i read the text that i don't want to read yet that i then i don't read like i

i'll look at that text i i want to go in i want to click to see what the whole text is. But I can't click on that text because I know if I do, it'll be marked as red. And I don't want them to know I got that text. Now, you can just turn that off. So here's the thing. Of course I have that off. 100%. Because I would never want people to know when I read their text or don't. That's my power.

Yeah, that's my business. But I'm still afraid. I'm still afraid that somehow some way i've that in some update it's turned you know back on or now you know what twitter does though right you can just turn it off on twitter yeah but if you turn it off on twitter you sacrifice seeing red on anybody else no yes you do it says it right on there if you disable your read receipts on twitter it says you do not get read receipts on twitter from other people that's that's fine so would you rather not be able to know if they ever read it

yes paranoid couple of old men i don't know i just i'll take the hit for the team yeah i think it's a problem it is nice to know when someone read your message in the sense not where you're like oh get back to me quick but just that they got it, right? So send a thumbs up? You're saying the person acknowledge it with a thumbs up. Correct. Yeah, but what if they don't? What if it's bad news? Thumbs down.

I got it. Yep, this is great. All right. There's an emoji for everything. I think I would – I'm going to get rid of all read receipts here. Just tell me it's delivered. That's all I want to know. I want to know that because that's valuable, right?

I didn't type anything wrong in the, you know. Have you ever been worried your message was not delivered? Only when it's someone that is, you know, a new contact. Maybe I've got the contact information wrong. Yeah, that makes sense. All right, let's move on. Is this real life? Okay, we haven't done this in a little while.

We have Is This Real Life on the show today where each of us have identified an unfortunately completely true story that we're going to share with one another that has taken place around this good earth of ours uh who wants to go first do you want me to do you want me to take it please yeah kick it off all right i enjoyed this one this one entertained me uh well the details are interesting too but here But here's the headline. Boy accidentally orders $2,600 worth of Spongebob ice cream online.

Yes, he did. Yes. Yes. So what makes this story so incredible is that a little four-year-old boy, his name is Noah, who lives in Brooklyn with his mom, Jennifer. Loves ice cream. Loves ice cream. Loves ice cream so much. And SpongeBob.

Yes, that he purchased $2,600 worth of popsicles that were SpongeBob themed, in case you're wondering. That is 51 cases and 918 popsicles. Now, here's the catch. Amazon won't take it back. Probably because they're popsicles. Because they're popsicles. Wait, so here's the question. The only question I had was, did this actually get delivered?

Yes, it did. I thought this would be flagged and all that was a cute little funny story. Kid orders his stuff, but it gets caught and shut down because who's ordering that many popsicles? This was straight up charged and delivered? Charged, delivered, and will not be accepted as a refund. I want the mom. I want to open that door. Be like, ding dong.

She is out $2,600. Oh, no. Amazon will not refund it because it's a food. And now there is a happy ending here. Oh, thank goodness. I looked into this a little bit. Thank goodness. A little bit further.

Well, because this is a single mom, she's going to school. She cannot afford these popsicles. I mean, who can afford 918 popsicles? Where would you put them is the real question. That's true. You are not. Those are melting. You put them in your mouth.

Oh, you better eat them. Those are melting. You put them in your mouth. Oh, you better eat them. But some people got wind of this story, and they put out a GoFundMe page to help support her. Because that's how we solve all her problems now. And she's got $24,000 pledged. Oh, nice. Good work, Noah.

So Noah earned his mom $22,000. No way. This was planned from the get-go. She's like, Noah, Noah, come here. I got a plan. You say you ordered these. So he ordered them with his mom's credit card, but had them sent to his auntie's house. Oh, man.

That's even better. That's a smart kid. Let me just say this. Kudos for being able to use, at four years old, a credit card. I mean, that's what i mean that's impressive and changing the address yeah it's ridiculous well done noah's got a few popsicles to throw back yeah all right um i will go next um this one cracks me up because it reminds me a little bit of um the recent meme that's going around where the guy joins the courtroom and he's a cat.

But this one's maybe even better. I am not a cat. Ohio State Senator caught driving during a Zoom meeting with fake office background. Yes. So he's trying to play it off. He is. Yes. I've watched the video. This is incredible. So trying to play it off that he's not now, is it a virtual background or did he build out a set? I believe he took a picture of his office, like his home office. And so it just looks like when the video starts, he just looks like he's at his home office,

but it's the virtual one. So like, so the edges of the body are all blurry. The edges are bad, but whatever. You're not going to question that, right? You're not going to question when... I would. Okay, it's a little blurry, but maybe whatever. Maybe the room's messy or whatever it is. He's got his seatbelt on.

No, that's the best part. So he turns the video off, I think to buckle up, for some reason not knowing that the seatbelt would not be green screened out. The video comes back on and he's got his seatbelt on and he's clearly driving looking left and right. But here's the thing. This can't get any better than this. Oh, man. All of this happened as the Ohio House is considering a bill proposing stricter rules against cell phone use while driving. A goal of cracking down on distracted driving. And the senator is doing senator stuff while driving on the Zoom meeting concerning the bill about getting rid of cell phone use

while driving. I mean, what a world we are in. You got to be kidding me. When someone does something like this. You're fired immediately. Is it though? That's what my question was. Yes.

Can you fire a senator? I don't. We got to figure it out. What you did was so dumb that it tells you how dumb this person is forever. out what you did was so dumb that it tells you how dumb this person is forever but what they actually did is totally like not necessarily illegal to have a zoom call going on in the car so you're proving how dumb you are right but they have i mean clearly this bill has not yet passed or hadn't yet i'm sure he voted against it. He's like, that would be terrible. Yeah, I got to get his vote.

What happened? But you're right, Andy. That's not a fireable offense. You're not arresting somebody for getting on a Zoom call. But it's an idiotic decision. Oh, man. And the irony is just perfect. The video was so fun.

He's totally there. Video goes off for a second. Oh, he wears a seatbelt. I respect that. Video comes back on. Safety first. Safety first. You know, because I wear a seatbelt i respect that video comes back safety first you know because i wear the seat belt when i'm at my home office he does seem to have his eyes on the road too he's not exactly looking into the zoom camera yeah which is good he's not like just playing it

off why is he pretending he's in the office i don't know what he should have done is pretended like he was in a car put a fake corvette background in there, and then everyone's like, oh, funny. And then he's like, I really am driving. All right, Mike, what do you got? Well, Jason should have shut it down because mine is not funny like that. It's more of a, oh, brother. So, you know, like when you're at Disneyland, right? I mean, I guess I'm speaking to a smaller amount of people.

But when you're at Disneyland, on a ride ride we got there, and it breaks down. It's neat because you have to get escorted off. The lights are on. The lights come on. You get to see how everything is actually working. It's cool right but there's there are rides that you don't want to break down when you are on them like a uh this roller coaster called the big one which is the tallest and fastest roller coaster uh in uh what do we got britain here it britain's tallest coaster

uh-oh so you know how a roller coaster starts, right? Yeah. It always starts with that first big hill. Yeah, click, click, click, click, click. And you know, the anticipation, and a lot of time it's built in. Oh, yeah. It waits. Imagine you're waiting. And you're waiting. And it never goes. And you're waiting. Oh, so you're right

at the top of the hill? You're waiting. You are 15 stories up. Oh, my gosh. And you are just waiting and waiting and event and you never go down and eventually they have to come and get you because they're stairs i mean you have to have a way out of these things but now you have to walk the stairs down not to mention get out of this thing at that height 15 stories up i am feeling uncomfortable. You know that when you watch a video and your undercarriage just goes...

That's what I'm feeling. I would have just either for real blacked out or pretended to and just shut my eyes and make them carry me off. Carry him? I don't know. Getting out of a roller coaster cart at 15 stories up. 213 feet. I don't know if I could do it. And I thought of two scenarios there.

If you're at the top, you're either in the front cars where you're hanging over and you see down and you're stuck, which is awful. Or you're in the back cars and the ground's behind you and you're staring up at the sky and you're stuck not even being able to see where you're at but there there is video of it at least the people who took the video were having a jolly time stuck on it yeah they were just they thought it was so afraid i'd be going backwards or something yeah i would not be having a good time uncomfortable in my mind when you're at the very tip top there's a like a four foot wide platform that you jump to to get rescued to get towards the stairs that's what i'm experiencing right now it's terrifying yeah i'm feeling very nervous inside wow but that's real life and you got to be ready for those exciting roller coaster moments i bet they don't ride it as anymore i bet most of those people are

not i roller coaster riders anymore. I would not be riding coasters anymore. No, I would be looking for... Find me the smallest coaster in Britain. Find me that one. The teacups. Those can break down. That's fine.

Oh, they've got so many teacups in Britain. You kind of hope. Yeah, they do. Very nice. All right. It's time to draft. The Spitballers Draft Alright We are drafting

Movies That you make your mortal Enemies sit through So these are movies To bring pain To torture Your mortal enemy. You could fight them, but no.

They have to watch a movie of your choice. Yeah, you strap them down. You put that little eyelid machine on them. A clockwork porn style. Yeah, and you say, watch this. Yeah, and so Mike, you have the first pick. I do, and I felt like there's definitely a couple different directions you could go. There are. And I feel like I have some gems on the list that will come back to me.

This is an incredibly subjective draft. It is. But I think this one at least should be on your list. I have not seen this particular movie. The excitement for this movie was, when the trailer dropped, the excitement was very sky high for this movie. Then it came out, and people said, this is an abomination. Yeah, I think I know what you're taking. It was what I was hoping to get at 102.

Exactly. I knew it should be on someone's list. I have sat through the live musical of this show. Nope, not what I was thinking. Okay, okay. I've sat through the live musical of it, and that's a couple hours of my life. Don't ever come back.

They will never return to me, and it's seared in there. This is a great pick. I'm going with Cats, baby. Yeah, wow. I feel like even the actors and actresses inside Cats that made the movie are like, I'm really sorry about that. That's a great pick. Somehow, someway, that's not on my list.

Me neither. I think this draft is going to be my most angering, disappointing draft of all time because I'm trying to, you know, we're prepping, we're saying, okay, we're drafting these things and I'm trying to think and I'm looking at lists and yada yada. But I go through life and there are just tons of movies I just absolutely hate and I think this is just a pile of trash. And I can't recall them.

And I think later I'm going to come across a movie that I just hate. I'm going to be so mad that it left off my list. But I'm going to take one that is a little older. But when it was supposed to come out, it was like a big budget, blockbuster type of movie. And it was literally, I believe to this day it's the worst movie that's ever been made um have you seen it i've seen a piece of it okay because i don't think i don't think it's all that you can you're allowed to watch there i don't think it's fair for humans to endure this whole thing so my mortal enemy you've had a taste you know what it you at

least you know what you're putting them through i mean if you whenever you get john travolta with some dreadlocks oh okay i'm going battlefield i've never seen it good for you mike that movie is known as one of the worst ever yeah it's it's uh horrific and are you did you go to see it no no no no, no. Honestly, it was- For that three days it was in theaters? It was talked about so poorly that later I was thinking, you know, I'll watch it. I want to see if it's that bad because there's movies that I've heard are bad that I like and vice versa, and I couldn't. I couldn't.

I mean, it's so bad it's like a grade school production. Okay. You know, they wrote the script, they acted in it, someone paid a lot of money for a team to just make a movie. It was unthinkably bad. All right, so you're going Battlefield Earth. I've got tough decisions here. I thought about the different things that make a movie bad.

One could just be subject matter. One could be how it's heralded, you know, 0% rotten tomatoes or whatever, like Battlefield Earth. Right. One can be, in my opinion, what makes a movie awful is, look, this is my mortal enemy. And I'll be honest, I put both of you guys in that spot when I was thinking about this. Okay. Okay. That's great.

But the amount of time a movie takes is actually what I think the worst punishment is. Because if a movie's bad and long, that's, I mean, Brooks is nodding his head. That is just pain. And I felt a lot of pain when I watched this movie in theaters. And I want you to enjoy three hours and four minutes of it. Okay. Because you get to watch Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbor. Oh, I've got those scars, my man.

You've already got those scars? Oh, I saw that thing in the theater. Him and- Josh Hartnett. Yes. That movie sucks. Oh, that movie sucks. And it sucks for three hours and four minutes.

It's atrocious. And that is my 101. i when i thought back of all the movies that i've seen not seen that are out there that takes the 101 um i've got i've got a hippo level pick that i'm gonna save oh man for my fourth but um this one's for Jason. Oh, okay. And I'm going to pick this one specifically for you, my mortal enemy. And I'm going to make you watch Eight-Legged Freaks. Oh, that's not cool. Which was a great movie. I thought it was funny.

What's the name of the... Arquette? Yeah, David Arquette. True story. That movie was filmed... Arquette? Yeah, David Arquette. True story. That movie was filmed here. In Arizona? Yeah, and my middle son's godmother is in that movie. Well, there you go.

That's not what I expected. But look, it's a movie built around spiders. Yes. That are enormous. They are. And they run through the mall, and they run all over the place. I think I would be less afraid of that like my because they're full size because they're because i mean i mean like because they're

like these giant monsters aren't all aren't all spiders that big i've been in a mall and seen a no i'm saying if they're full grown they're full size right right i messed that up but um like had you taken arachnophobia you know what i mean? I'm probably more afraid of that movie watching real spiders rather than watching big CG. How are you with a nail gun? With a nail gun? Doesn't he shoot the spider with a nail gun at the end? You think I've watched these movies, Mike? You've never seen arachnophobia?

Of course I have not seen arachnophobia. Because he has arachnophobia. Exactly. So I chose that one just for Jason. All right. I'm looking here and I'm thinking, okay, all right. I want to put you through something scarring. Now, there's different ways to scar.

Okay. Okay. There's horrific, violent, awful things to watch. Or there's the emotional scars. There's the emotional scars of this is going to ruin something for you. This is going to take something you love and it's going to destroy it. And I'm going to make you sit down. And I'm going to put on Indiana Jones.

Oh, no. Which you think you love. Oh, it's not The Last Crusade. I've tried to convince myself it's good. That it doesn't exist? No, I've tried to convince myself it's good. But The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the unknown

fourth movie, Abomination with Cowboys and Aliens and whatever is happening in that awful movie. I think you just won. You're gonna have to watch that film movie. I think you just won. You're going to have to watch that film again. That movie is so bad. Wow, nice pick.

Yeah. I've tried. I've watched it several times, and each time I'm like, okay, it can't be as bad as I remember, right? Yeah. You know they're making another one. I saw that when I looked. He can't be in it, though, right? Yeah, it is. You know they're making another one. I saw that when I looked. He can't be in it though, right?

Yeah, he's in it. How do you have Indiana Jones without Indiana Jones? That's pretty hard. You know they're making a new Harry Potter? There's no Harry Potter. Well, I mean, you've never seen them make a movie where they recast the main character before? No. I mean, yeah. Yeah, if they do a remake of a movie that happened a long time ago,

do you think Christopher Lloyd's rocking the next Back to the Future? Well, sure. Doc Brown deep in the ground. Come on, man. Oh, that's the name of the movie. Doc Brown in the ground. We've got to go back. Please.

Please go back. Take me back. Oh, man that they can't make one because they'll be like they won't believe that time machines exist here or he would never look like this um but yeah i mean that's a full reboot they're making another sequel yes which is slated for 2022 they better get that thing made was uh who was the actor that played the large role in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Shia LaBeouf? Yeah, he was his son in that, right? Or no?

Yes. Who knows, man? Yeah, he was. And it looked like they were setting him up to be Indiana Jones. But then the world kind of turned on old Shia. Yeah, and the movie. The movie didn't demand a sequel. Yeah, the movie was bad.

All right, Mike, you got a couple picks. All right, Mike, you got a couple picks. All right. We've found different ways to harm people. And I will admit, I did sit down and I have watched this movie. Morbid curiosity gets the best of us every once in a while. And there's a movie where unthinkable things are happening. Oh, no. Jason is cackling.

Be careful. Well, yeah, look, these are the movies. My Mortal Enemy is not a child, which is good, because you have to be an adult to see this movie. I will go with Human Centipede. You know, I saw a lot of lists, and I've never seen it, but my understanding is the third version of that movie is the first.

I have not seen it. I saw number one. There's a third one? Apparently. Wait. There's a second one? Human Millipede. Yes.

The Human Millipede. Oh, man. That's a long movie. But yeah, if you don't know what it's about, we're not talking about it on this show. No. I can't believe you picked it. Like it had to be done. All right.

You have another pick to get to be done all right you have another pick to get too quickly all right uh and i'm gonna go with this is more of an emotional scarring one that i'm gonna go with here i'm pretty sure this would will not be on your list and what's what's tough about this movie it's actually an excellent movie uh-oh it's an it's excellent but you watch it one time because once no one watches this movie and gets to the ending is like man i'm feeling i'm feeling great about i know what it is do you yeah black and white it's a black and white movie no okay no it is not uh i'm going with requiem for a dream oh okay never seen it okay you well you didn't you should watch it because it's an excellent movie

i genuinely thought you were going like when this whole draft topic came up i wondered if i could pick the same movie four times because i was like would i make somebody watch schindler's list four consecutive times in a row excellent movie but that's what I thought you were saying. I thought that's what you were describing. A Requiem for a Dream is, I mean, like it's all about people battling addiction. That's a one-timer. And you get to the end. Or a no-timer.

No, you should watch it. But you should clear the schedule afterwards. Okay. Because it's rough. Mike is done. Jason, you are on the clock. All right. I think I know what my last two picks are going to be. And they're is rough. Mike is done. Jason, you are on the clock. All right. I think I know what my last two picks are going to be, and they're not going to be poll

winners. You've already won with those first two. Well, I'm going to do my best to destroy whatever I've built up. Oh, he wants to put movies on blast. You're darn right I do. I can tell. He wants to put some movies. You're darn right I want to put movies on blast.

Mike, you are not my mortal enemy because you are one of the idiots who like this awful, boring, terrible movies of all time. Blade Runner. It sucks. And I've drafted it and I'm making you watch it. Mike wants to be your mortal enemy now. This is fabulous. Blade Runner. This is great news. I'm putting you watch it. Mike wants to be immortal. I mean, now this is fabulous. Blade runner.

This is, this is great news. Putting it on blast. A top hundred AFI movie of all time. Oh, and I get to sit down and watch it. Just you wait for me to grab the number one of all time with my next pick, Mike.

It better be the one that I'm thinking of. Of course it is. That should, that movie sucks. My final two picks. You're watching Ben Affleck. Jason's watching eight legged fre Freaks I've got two left Man

Alright I feel like He's torn Well yeah I am And I'm gonna go with Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace It's working Me so happy

I mean Jar Jar Binks and some of the acting in that movie. Some of the music redeems it, and some of the action scenes are okay, but that movie's not good. And the anticipation, and then people having to convince themselves it was good for a really long time because they were looking forward to it. I'm going to make you watch the worst Star Wars movie that exists. That is an excellent pick. And that is one of my most quoted

movies of all time. Not in a good way. Alright, and this last one, look, there are a lot of ways to, like we said, make you kind of uncomfortable, not want to watch this movie. And I'm going for that uncomfortable feeling.

That's what I'm shooting for with my final pick here. Okay. So I'm going with Ghost Dad starring Bill Cosby. Oh, it's a hippopotamus. Oh. Should you laugh? Should you not laugh? Good luck.

Good luck watching that. Good luck, Ghost Dad. Oh, mercy. Mercy. Good luck Good luck watching that Good luck Ghost Dad Oh mercy No no no No no And I'm done Okay Oh man

Okay Oh man I saw that in the theater with my family Yeah You watching it anytime recently That was a long time ago Oh, man. I saw that in the theater with my family. Yeah? Yeah. You watching it anytime recently? That was a long time ago. Wow.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okie dokie. Following that up. I already said what I was going to pick. Yeah. Get it. Because this is a terrible movie. I mean, don't get me wrong.

It's the number one best rated movie of all time wait but it's not actually an entertaining good movie oh i know what it is well yeah it's the number one it's citizen kane yeah that won't make you sit down and actually watch it today today in like like the the modern era as a and you you've never seen that movie oh well if you're my mortal enemy uh which i am yeah i'm gonna put you down and make you watch that movie and you're gonna be like okay wait this is this is the greatest movie okay whatever wrote whoa rosebud it's what it's like what happened was this was the first movie ever where there was like a a surprise and then people oh i didn't know i could be surprised in a movie incredible and now it's like you watch every movie has like so much more depth and thoughts and

better characters and acting and scripts and surprises and everything that you watch this movie and it's like you wish it tasted like vanilla this isn't vanilla this is plain you thought you were getting vanilla yogurt you're getting plain yogurt and you didn't realize that plain was a thing 1941 was a plain year they say yeah uh when a reporter is assigned to decipher newspaper magnate charles foster kane's dying words his investigation gradually reveals the fascinating portrait of a complex man who rose from obscurity to staggering heights. And he really liked his sled. Yeah.

Cool. All right, Mike, you got a final pick. All right. You set me up perfectly, Jason. Oh, good. Speaking of. Going for a classic? No, no, no.

I'm going for a movie that's got a twist. And, like, the beginning of the movie, you. Oh, good. Speaking of... Going for a classic? No, no, no. I'm going for a movie that's got a twist. And, like, the beginning of the movie, you're like, okay, there's some really weird stuff going. And I get it. Telling the story

that you set everything up with weird, it's mysterious, and then you have a twist at the end that really shocks and makes sense. Water kills the aliens. Right.

You're not far off. You are not far off because... Are you picking? You know what's killing the people? The trees! Oh, the trees! The grass! The grass is making us jump off of buildings!

The happening. I'm taking the happening. Not only do you get to watch marky mark just be really confused for two hours you get to invest all that time only to find out it was the trees that movie was awful and as an m night truth m night truther back then who loved a lot of his earlier movies going and watching that movie and sitting there and just just being let down slowly with this horrible horrible movie well the thing is is it's really boring but you know it's going to get the payoff yeah you know the twist is coming to find wait what water kills the aliens i mean

king of the king of the twists here he ran ran out. He clearly ran out. But he put some good ones up front. He had some good ideas to start. Sixth Sense. And Unbreakable is great, too. Unbreakable is great. I like The Village, too. That was the last pick, right?

Yes. So I found that my list was mostly full of bad children's movies that I drafted in. Those could have been bad. Like the third Shrek? I've got Daddy Day Camp. I've got Shrek. I've got Daddy Day Camp. I've got Air Bud.

I've got the Emoji movie. And the personal worst, this is literally the worst movie. Like every single movie we drafted, this is worse than all of them, including Battlefield Earth. But I didn't think enough people knew it. I saw this in the theater. I had to. This was my children making me their mortal enemy.

It was nine lives with Kevin Spacey. It was the worst piece of trash I've ever seen in my life. That one doubles down now. Yeah, it does. Here's some other ones that I did not pick

that were on the list. Batman versus Superman. That was awful. Gigli with Ben Affleck and J-Lo. Which I never saw, but I want my enemy to see it. Let me know how it is! It almost ruined Affleck's career.

Yeah, I mean, a lot of things have done that. I thought it'd be funny to make somebody watch something that's kind of like a horrible sequel, but without ever seeing the first, so I figured maybe you guys hadn't seen Sex and the City, so I'd make you watch the second one. There's a second one?

Apparently. And then From Justin to Kelly, the Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini American Idol movie. That is an excellent pick. The two I had left were Glitter, starring Mariah Carey, which I've heard good things. And you guys remember when Shaq used to make movies? Oh, yeah.

Shazam. Kazam., yeah. Shazam. Kazam. Kazam. Shazam was the superhero one. Yeah. But Kazam was Shaq. He's the genie. I am Kazam.

Yeah, he's the genie. Wow. That's bad stuff. All right. That'll do it for today's draft. One more little bit of information. What did we learn today? We always have to reflect.

Part of life is reflecting on an hour of education, of inspiration, of insight, and then reflecting and saying, hey, what did I learn? Yeah. What did you retain? Did you get the 80% slower retention levels? The retention levels are about the same. But what I learned today, sitting and really thinking about our day-to-day, and I do got to get out of here pretty soon. Got to get that tea time.

Well, I've got a massage. You've got a tea time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned that the producers, they don't deserve any money. Right. I mean, they don't deserve. And actually, no one deserves anything. That's right, including the producers.

Especially. I've learned we have a new code word on this show, and it's I have a hippopotamus pic. That's good. It was, right? Oh, yeah. That was a hippo going. That was a hippo coming down off of a building.

It was. I learned that, officially, Jason hates Blade Runner more than I do. That'll do it. Oh, it's so excellent. Oh, my goodness. So I should have gone arachnophobia, huh? I think so.

I think so. Not full-size spiders. Real ones. All right. Take care. Thank you for tuning in. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.

To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.