Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Spitballers Classics: Allergy Tests & an NBA Mascot Battle - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

As we spend some time with our families this Independence Day, enjoy one of our favorite classic episodes! Episode 86: You’ll hear a couple new voices on today’s show. With Owl Borland down with ...the sickness, Judge Giamatti is at the controls and comes in hot with a fresh scat. Then, Yosemite Sam comes in to discuss the archaic method of allergy testing. The guys also discuss airplane etiquette, splitting up the check at a restaurant, and playing our podcast for the Queen. This is another hilarious episode that you do not want to miss! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: Twitter.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Spitwads, this summer you want to get the most out of your travels abroad by learning the language of your destination. With Babbel, the number one selling language learning app, whether you're ordering in a restaurant or you're asking for directions or you just want to gain a deeper understanding of the culture, Babbel makes the whole process of learning a new language addictively fun and easy. It's got bite-sized lessons you can actually use in the real world. Not the fake world. Well, not like what they teach you in high school, which is like phrases and things that... I'm tired of looking for the library, man.
Starting point is 00:00:34 You know I'm not going there. Right. I don't even... Why do libraries even exist? But here's the thing. You know, I have a membership. The 15-minute lessons are what makes it work for me because it's perfect to learn on the go. It's practical. It's the thing. You know, I have a membership. The 15 minute lessons are what makes it work for me because it's, it's perfect to learn on the go. It's practical. It's real world conversations. That's the only way I can learn is practical short bites. And look, they have a hundred language
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Starting point is 00:01:40 still having it. So we don't have a brand new episode for you today as we're spending the day with our families enjoying the holiday. However, we've done a lot of crazy, stupid episodes in the past. So we're going to release one of our classic episodes for you to enjoy. So without further ado, here's a classic Spitballers. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Was trying to talk about ricotta cheese, but he just couldn't remember what it was called. I thought he was family guy. The Giggity's from Family Guy. For those who don't know what just happened.
Starting point is 00:02:51 What happened? That is our other producer that is producer Judge Giamatti. Al Borland is down with the flu. At least he keeps saying that. We are insisting that he's just being real lazy. He is so lazy. So lazy. When I think of lazy people that I know, first one that comes to mind is Al Borland.
Starting point is 00:03:11 None lazier. Honestly, the only person that comes to mind. Right? I don't even know what it is apart from Al Borland. Get better, Al, if you're really sick. Yeah, wink. Judge Giamatti in charge today. Hello, spit wads watts there he is that was uh that
Starting point is 00:03:27 was my inspiration was andy bernard from the office there oh very nice going all right you know what you you held it down this is the second time i've got to skip a scat i am out of the blue where i didn't even realize it moments before insanely jealous yeah jason actually wants to skip scats we've never had him skip a scat i'm just the next one when it's my turn you're gonna hear the whole intro and then we're gonna talk and you're gonna be like where's the scat i did it you can't do that oh i can do whatever i want when it's my scat no your your timeline will let you oh no about it. The people will be furious. Torches.
Starting point is 00:04:08 So excited to be back with you. Spitballers podcast at Spitballers pod on Twitter. Spitballers pod.com. Click that become a spitwad button. Get some bonus content. Some interesting opportunities too. We need draft ideas. You can submit them over there they take precedence
Starting point is 00:04:25 over everybody else's ideas because you're an official spitwad member you get the episodes early it's a lot of fun the community's great we've got do we have life advice on the show today we do we are going to bring some serious heartfelt deep life advice well i take things very i know what we do have guys we have an update wait bobble thor is at it again oh did you tap the i did not touch him he's just going so there's a bobble thor you can see on youtube and he's been known to go for hours it's unbelievable tips don't lie no uh what else is going on we got it jason we need the running update you said on the last episode and i just listened to this because i just got back into town our family was on a little vacation and i listened to last week's
Starting point is 00:05:16 episode and it was uh it was very funny jason you talked about the fact that you are now moving towards thinking about running it was but it was like considering thinking but then you guaranteed that you would run by the time the next spitballers episode and then you spent most of the week asking us to not do any more episodes right then what happened then then here we are um and the update is i ran i put my sneakers on and I went out and found a path and started the the I mean now we talked about jogging versus running last week so what was this this was zero percent running okay uh this was jogs and walks but I went two miles I'm very interested in this traveled two miles two point no ubering that's correct i traveled 2.02 miles in an uber but you're saying like i found a path yes i'm like i want you to elaborate
Starting point is 00:06:12 this because yeah let's hear more about whenever i've gone running i've gone outside of my house and gone which direction do i go this way that way i don't say oh i found a path. So in my neighborhood, apparently, if you were to go right, at the end of that street is like a... An actual running path? An actual running path. That sounds fun. And the path takes you down under the freeway. It's unbelievable.
Starting point is 00:06:37 It's right in my backyard. People do this? People do... Oh, there were so many people on that path exercising. It was disgusting. Do you high-five each other as you run by? No, but you do the nod. Did you start doing the jog?
Starting point is 00:06:48 Yeah, I'm one of you. Did you start doing the jog that I do when I'm seen? So here's the funniest part. Go from the walk to the run? I'm using an app, and the app is like the couch to 5K or something. So it starts really easy. It's 30 minutes, and it's basically what it is is it's 60 seconds of running and then 90 seconds of a brisk walk so that's and then it tells you it
Starting point is 00:07:11 says okay now run and you run for 60 seconds and then it says okay now briskly walk or whatever and so i am off in the distance there's a bench and a guy with a bicycle is sitting there oh what a quitter and i'm sitting there going oh no what if i'm in the walk like oh what if i'm running up to that area and it's like now walk and i'm like well i don't want to walk in front of this guy so you would be embarrassed to walk by the sitter well yeah he's sitting down it's but he's a human and he's gonna still judge me yeah that's the whole point to this whole there was also another worry later on down the road i'm getting about to the halfway point where i need to turn around and there is a we'll say very elderly woman walking and i didn't want to pass her in a jog and then just start walking past you and well
Starting point is 00:08:06 she was walking very fast she was a fast one shout out to my my lady shirley i'm guessing um that uh i didn't i didn't want she was a fast walker um but i didn't want to like jog past her and then be like now walk and then just walk right in front of her past her and then be like now walk and then just walk right in front of her so i turned around break checking someone yeah but i but i i did it i sweat is this a 5k guarantee on the way is that what i if you're got this app out there i will do a 5k there's no i did not say participate all right i will do one i'll find a way to i will put one on for people i will i will say this i had a time where he's going to he would rather form an organization and sponsor and create an entire 5k race than run in one well i've if i promise i'm doing a 5k
Starting point is 00:08:57 there's better odds of that there's an app i've used it before where it's a running it's a similar thing it's a zero you can do a zero to 5k or whatever but it's a game it's a running. It's a similar thing. It's a zero. You can do a zero to 5K or whatever, but it's a game. It's a game that they set up where you are in a zombie apocalypse, and you're out running, and you collect supplies. By the further that you run, you collect more supplies, and then they randomly have it. You're under attack from a zombie, so you have to run. Oh, and it tells the speed you're going?
Starting point is 00:09:25 Yeah. It uses the GPS to track all this stuff. And there's like this, there's a fully narrated story. Why didn't you tell me this? Because I didn't believe you would actually go for a run. So I was saving it. Okay. Well, I need that info because.
Starting point is 00:09:39 You'd run faster. I would definitely 100% run faster if I was going to have my brains eaten. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's that's all right hold on zombie i'm in my 60 second walk period well that's what's funny is like i was very dedicated to those announcements of walk and run like i could have just kept jogging past the bicycle guy but i'm like it says walk it says walk i'm gonna walk did you point to your headphones it's no but i'm following instructions i did look at my watch so much every time that i every time i transitioned i was like looking at the watch and i'd touch it i'd be like yes uh i don't need to touch this what you need to do you need to put the fingers up for a pulse check
Starting point is 00:10:20 yeah like as as you're passing and looking at Yes. Oh, because then you have exerted yourself beyond what your body is supposed to do. Throw some references out there like, oh, boy, that sunrise was so pretty this morning, wasn't it? All pro tips. That's how long I've been out here. All pro tips are welcome. I don't know if I'll run again. Dude, if you're going to be like 10 miles back there, be careful. Yeah, there's a rattler on the path.
Starting point is 00:10:43 10 miles back. All right, we're moving on. Would you rather? Daniel from the website submitted this question. He said, would you rather have dirty teeth with fresh breath or clean teeth with that mouth stank? Thank you for defining it as that mouth stank. Yeah, that's what he said. Now, question.
Starting point is 00:11:11 Yeah. Now, if I have dirty teeth, is this practical? Like, oh, no, I'm going to get cavities. They could hurt. Or does this also have to mean I also have yellow, nasty-looking teeth? I'm going with yellow, nasty-looking teeth. Yeah. But dental hygiene for both is still pristine. Oh, so I don't have cavities.
Starting point is 00:11:32 No, it's not a factor. This is just... This is look versus smell. Yes. Yes. Wow. And here's what I'm curious about. Is it worse to see a person with yellow teeth, like really nasty yellow teeth,
Starting point is 00:11:45 or worse to see a person that has a bunch of food stuck in their teeth. Because in one instance, you're looking at a person that can fix a problem. In the other, you're looking at a person that has clearly let their teeth get to some pirate state. I mean, you just answered the question. The worst thing is the nasty, rotted teeth. What kind of person are you? Do you tell someone they have food in their teeth? I'm that kind of person.
Starting point is 00:12:11 Yeah, I tell them. Well, I guess not. A random stranger, maybe not. Okay, that's what I was going to say. What level of friendship? So acquaintance? You know, Mike, you're putting me to the test here because I thought I would tell people in all instances,
Starting point is 00:12:27 but if it's a small enough piece, I've definitely gone the route of, they'll figure it out. You're at church. Yeah. Someone walks up to you. Oh, no, you're right. I'm not saying that. And you go, and you don't remember their name.
Starting point is 00:12:37 Oh. But then eventually, oh, yeah, this is Bob. Bob's got just a whole celery stock between his two front teeth. I feel like this is you're letting them live that way. This is the same rule as the as the fly is down like that. Oh, like a Bob's flies down. I'm not telling them there either. I feel like.
Starting point is 00:12:58 But are you but are you telling your wife or like you're like that Bob's fly is down? Probably. Maybe. Maybe. Look at his teeth they're disgusting hey bob how's it going nice to see you it well it's all about how casually can you say something like that and it feels like the fly one is much more difficult than the piece of you know parsley in the teeth or something what you're you're afraid they're going to say, what, were you staring? I just feel like I would... Were you staring at my crotch or something?
Starting point is 00:13:28 I would have to do a symbol of him zipping up the fly and be like... The old whistle? Yeah, just some sort of little... Hey, Bob, zip, boop-de-dup. Bad breath would be so intimidating for any conversation. If you know that it's unavoidable, you will have to awkwardly stand.
Starting point is 00:13:46 You will have to move away from the close talker. You will have to talk in the opposite direction. Yeah, you talk away from where they're looking and you're kind of like blowing it out of the side of your mouth. But the tea, I mean, the dirty tea, that's a very self-conscious thing too. Both of these stink. Well, one of them stinks.
Starting point is 00:14:06 I think I would... So reading this, I was sure that I was taking the fresh breath with dirty teeth. But if you're telling me that it's just basically like it looks just like rotten teeth, I think that you would... I think I would be judged more based on rot because like if i've got bad breath everyone from time to time has bad breath you you ate something bad or you know it's like oh this guy doesn't normally have bad breath but he's it's a bad day he ate a poop sandwich for lunch i don't know i don't know what he did. I was going to go with cilantro.
Starting point is 00:14:46 It smells like it. But I think if you see someone whose teeth are just wrecked, there's like, oh, this dude has more serious hygiene problems. So I'm going to go with the bad breath and the pearly whites. Yeah, I lean that way too. I'm going to go with the bad breath and the pearly whites. Yeah, I lean that way, too. I'm going to open up a can. I probably will regret opening up here. Whoa. Can't wait.
Starting point is 00:15:13 But do you ever run into that situation where somebody's got, like, the very, very correctable, overt, physical situation, and you just kind of wonder why. Are you talking about my boy no dude diet no i'm talking about like the canada-sized mole right the big hairy face mole yes that's you're like you understand that look we have it's 2020 we have the technology to very cleanly and quickly and affordably. We've had tweezers for a very long time as well. Well, you're not tweezing a mole off your face. No, but you said it was hairy. That's true.
Starting point is 00:15:53 Good point, Mike. You could step one is pull the hair out of it. Yes, that's different. Step two is remove the giant Canada-sized mole. But maybe it's something like that or really. But that's not as easy as you think. I mean, we all know what it's like to go with a dermatologist. And if you're going to get a mole removed, okay, I have to, A, find a dermatologist,
Starting point is 00:16:13 which is a ridiculous thing. Then I have to go schedule an appointment just so they can look at it and schedule another appointment. Okay, yes. To cut something off my face. You've had 48 years to do that. It's not as easy. Do you get to the point where you are moving on from caring? Is that just what's happened?
Starting point is 00:16:31 It depends on the status of your marriage. You know what I mean? But if you're married, then you've already. Exactly. The moles can stay. But if I'm single. Do moles keep getting bigger? If they do, that's when you're supposed to go to the dermatologist.
Starting point is 00:16:47 Please go get it removed if it is changing shapes or colors. PSA. Not a doctor. Look, you learn a lot here on this show. Life advice. Yeah, I guess I'm always kind of... And it feels like a really judgy thing to say. To be like, why...
Starting point is 00:17:01 To be thinking, why don't you get that removed? Perhaps they love their mole. No, let's get out of here. Nobody's like, why, to be thinking, why don't you get that removed? Perhaps they love their mole. No, let's get out of here. Nobody's like, I love this thing. Do you think they named them? Didn't Marilyn Monroe, she has the big mole. There's like a beauty mark. Cindy Crawford had a mole.
Starting point is 00:17:17 The difference between a beauty mark and a mole is diameter. You're calling it a beauty mark. No, no, it's diameter. If you've got a tiny little thing what's the measurement give me the measurement was two millimeters or if it's and under is all right yes if it's over two millimeters in diameter then nobody's gonna be like look at my beauty mark it's also a matter of like what else is distracting from that beauty mark mole like do you need would this really aid your physical appearance to remove one that wart please forgive my naivety here okay but if i were to remove a large size mole on my face i imagine that leaves a scar yes so does it yes they can't
Starting point is 00:18:01 just uh freeze freeze them off i don't think so. Bing, bang, boom? I think that's going to leave a scar. So it's like, what's better? What's better, a scar or a hairy mole? Like a natural mole or a scar? I don't know. But my point is, the point is, maybe someone would be like, I don't want to go through the process that might just outlay maybe the fear of pain of removing it only to still have a mark on your face.
Starting point is 00:18:29 You've had them all removed, right? Oh, mercy me. We can move on. We can move on. It's from a place that no one would have asked you to remove it. Well, maybe one person. The thunder from down under. All right.
Starting point is 00:18:41 Is no longer there. Is no longer there. I'm proud to report. All right. I's no longer there. It's no longer there. I'm proud to report. All right. I will move on. Hobocop from Patreon. Okay. A Spitwad supporter writes in this, would you rather question, would you rather every
Starting point is 00:18:54 time you blink, lose your sight for three seconds, or every time you scratch and itch, you become paralyzed for five seconds? So obviously- Implications. you scratch and itch you become paralyzed for five seconds so obviously implications becoming paralyzed is much more severe than a blip of you know basically closing your eyes for three seconds but uh maybe definitely well i don't have to scratch an itch yeah that's the point i can be if i'm driving i feel like the blinking one is worse if you're driving you gotta like put on those goggles to hold your eyelids open gonna go clockwork orange hold them open if society had this problem you would have devices that would just moisturize your eyes for you so you don't have to go blind or or what. Or what you would do is you'd get up,
Starting point is 00:19:47 you'd like quickly get to that red light, and then you'd be like, oh, thank goodness, I can blink. And then it's like a staring contest while you're going. Like, who's going to blink first, you, or are you going to get to that light? Does the timer reset? Like, can you get a bunch of blinks in, or are you stacking up moments of blindness?
Starting point is 00:20:03 I think it's stacking up upon itself. Oh, so if I do like five blinks, I got 15 seconds to wait? That is correct. Okay, that makes sense. Well, then I'm definitely taking the paralyzation. Or at least resets the timer. Yeah, but if you scratch that itch twice, what is a real bad itch? You normally need a few scratches. You're going to be paralyzed for like 15 seconds.
Starting point is 00:20:16 I feel like this needs to be like, or paralyzed for five minutes. Because when's the last time you've scratched an itch? Genuinely. All the time no i'm not saying that like oh i can be scratching right now in years once you say that and when's the last time i'm like oh that's itchy yeah but when's the last time you blinked because it was a couple seconds never so theoretically you might have to scratch your eye oh then you have two problems then you're paralyzed and blind. It's a problem.
Starting point is 00:20:47 It has to be the itch. Yeah. That's why he wants to make it more than five seconds. You got to build up your mental toughness. No, I think he's right. Have you ever tried to itch a spot with your brain? What? You've never tried to do that? What does that even mean?
Starting point is 00:20:59 That means like you haven't. First of all, you meant scratch, right? Or do you mean itch? I mean like you have something on your arm where it's itchy. I am itching all over now. Right now, I can feel every ounce of my skin is itchy. I meant scratch, but I'm saying where you have... You're trying to conquer the itch.
Starting point is 00:21:14 Yes, you have an uncontrollable itch on your leg, and you're like, I'm not going to scratch this. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to take care of it with mental fortitude. Let's say you make this five minutes. I feel like I could go the rest of my life never scratching. Well. I could make that decision.
Starting point is 00:21:28 Like, I don't have to scratch. Until the mosquitoes get you. Oh. The mosquito would be a big problem. Now, not itching or not scratching a mosquito bite. There's no mental fortitude in the world. Yeah, that's. You ever did the allergy testing?
Starting point is 00:21:44 Yes. Were they? Oh. Do you know what I'm talking about, Jason? No, of course. I know what you're talking about. Have you ever did the allergy testing yes i think oh do you know what i'm talking about jason no of course i know what you're talking about you've ever been tortured but i'm you excuse for science you inferior humans with your allergies well having believe it or not anybody can get the test you don't even have to have allergies yeah but why would you like good point i'm not allergic to anything well you want to scratch my back and put a bunch of chemicals on but they basically just poke a bunch of holes in your back teeny little marks and then they put like a little you know a little bit of everything a plant or what i don't know how they bring ass cats they rub a cat on your back but then they can't you can't you're not allowed
Starting point is 00:22:18 to scratch it and i just remember like as a kid getting that done and my mom would like you could use a magazine to like waft air to try to make those itches go away but that would be help i feel like that would make it more anything anything but sitting in it makes it better like if you are itchy right now you are better off running around than you are standing there itchy sure to distract you i can't believe that's how we figure things out do Do we still do that? Yeah, oh yeah, the scratch test is still a lot. And they haven't improved upon that? Then they put the leeches on.
Starting point is 00:22:51 You know, you bring up a good point. We've been to the moon! You bring up a good point. Hey child, here's what we're going to do. Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke. Lay still while I poke you 40 times and then I'm just going to pour liquid that you're allergic to.
Starting point is 00:23:05 It's like when I was first learning math, and the trial and error process was just like, I'll find the answer by getting it wrong 100 times until it works. I don't understand how to do this equation, but I'll just keep like, no, it's not that. Right. It's not that. There's got to be a better way. Take a vial of my blood. Go test it. Tell me what I'm allergic to as opposed to well let's try this let's let's see if you're allergic to cactus give me a cactus i mean that's what it feels like like you can do this test that's
Starting point is 00:23:39 actually exactly what the allergists sound like you have the weird thing you can do this test all right partner we'll get this figured out. You don't need a pulmonologist. They want to hunt rabbits. Like, is he allergic to cats? Yeah, I got a cat. Come here, Jehoshaphat. And then you just rub the cat all over it, and you say, give it 15 seconds.
Starting point is 00:23:58 Now, tell me, when I poke you with this needle, does it hurt? You are not allergic to hypodermic needles. Hey, this one's sharp. N. Hey, this one's sharp. Nelda, this one's sharp. Why are we all Yosemite sand? I don't know. Get Joseph out in here. Let's see how you react to poison.
Starting point is 00:24:16 Oh, turns out you're allergic to poison. You should get that checked. You should get that checked. You got another one allergic to poison. It'll be $50. You never believe this. 100% of people allergic to poison. I'm getting fat, man.
Starting point is 00:24:32 So far, we keep testing. Everybody says, I don't have allergies. I say, take this poison. You allergic to poison? You sure are. It is really sad to know that every 50 years that goes by you're gonna look back to the science of 50 years before like we were dumb every now and then i think like what are the things that are going on right now yes there are dumb things we're doing right now like
Starting point is 00:24:58 allergy tests because they figured this out in 1870. They said, this is good enough. We will not improve. It worked for Pat. It worked for me. You allergic to a rattlesnake? Hold your arm out. Yeah, looks like there's a reaction there. Does he pull a whip out? That was the snake.
Starting point is 00:25:23 The snake was viciously attacking. Oh, my goodness. All right. I don't think we need to answer anymore. Paralyzed. Not good. Yeah, I'll take it. Would you rather?
Starting point is 00:25:37 I'll take the blinking. All right. Oh, we have three segments. That means I'm moving on. We have, oh, we have three segments. That means I'm moving on. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Kalo. Kalo, the makers of the original silicone ring.
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Starting point is 00:27:19 Kalo.com slash ballers. Hello.com slash ballers. That's a great question. Matt, from the website, you can no longer see one color for the rest of your life. What color do you choose? Oh, can no longer see. So you are eliminating one color from you know from your vision forever this reminds me of like when you run out of one of the three vials of ink in your printer ah it affects all the other things you print right can we take one second to just shame printer manufacturers everywhere because when i'm
Starting point is 00:28:00 out of color and you won't let me print in black and white. And I've got, there's plenty of black ink, but I'm out of cyan. And they're like, and I'm just printing black and white. And I click the black and white button. And it's like, no, not until you replace the blue. I'm like, no, I don't need it. Hey, here's an idea. We going to get rid of all the imprinting if you run out of blue. I mean, that's...
Starting point is 00:28:25 There's a snake back for some reason. That's a fair shame. That's very fair. That should be illegal. And they wipe the tears of shame from their face with their $100 bills. So if I have to eliminate... So sorry, Jason. If I have to eliminate one color, obviously you got to eliminate all the implications, right?
Starting point is 00:28:46 You've got no blue. You're not going to get any purple stuff either, right? I don't think you want to go that far. Not that far. Okay. So you're just eliminating. What's a color you don't like? Yellow.
Starting point is 00:28:54 Yellow is kind of nasty. Well, I feel like if I eliminated yellow, I would always believe I'm healthier. Because my, you know what I mean? I want to know why. Well, when you look at your urine a pee problem and well i'm just saying if it's really yellow i think oh i need to drink more water i'm dehydrated you'd like to be deceived i would like to believe in myself i was usually when your pee's that yellow there's another spider sense tingling in your nostrils saying
Starting point is 00:29:20 there's a problem here that's true oh where's honey coach fail this is it poison it's not going away it's not going away tangles and nostrils tangles the tangles oh my goodness if you can't okay well before i ask this question you guys are allergic to grizzly bears what color is the sun yeah hello okay that's because that's what i think of too so if you say i can't see yellow anymore now what does the sun look like just so you know i don't stare at the sun like i don't ever look at it the color of the sun doesn't affect me as much as how it lights things up right just saying this is a weird question because just eliminating one color. Yellow was my initial thought of like, if I can't see yellow anymore, then that happens.
Starting point is 00:30:11 Now, it does say you will no longer see one color. Does that mean those things become invisible? That's true. I am just curious about that. That's basically what I was asking. And also, I wouldn't want to eliminate anything in the traffic light category, right? Because that could be a problem. It basically has to go grayscale.
Starting point is 00:30:33 I think that's what has to happen. Okay. I think the world would... I already don't see color, Mike. I think that the world would almost unanimously remove yellow i think it's the most hated color i mean yeah i enjoy it now is that because of the flavors no it's everything that's yellow is a crappy flavor that's not true banana is a great i'm just thinking lemons are great um no it's because of p it's 100 because of pee. Like, don't eat the yellow snow.
Starting point is 00:31:06 You know, that's pee. Yellow is bad because of pee. That's 100% true. Okay. The only two colors you're going to eliminate are yellow and brown, and you know why. I mean, let's be honest. All right. Yeah, because grayscale poop.
Starting point is 00:31:20 What color is this in the jar? The jar list? I like how much you like yourself talking like that. What color is this in the charlotte? The charlotte? I like how much you like yourself talking like that. I really enjoy it. I'm real. Well, listen. I think the rest of the show is the wildest ride in the wilderness. Read this next great question.
Starting point is 00:31:37 It comes in from Abigail, so it might as well be in that voice. From Abigail on the website. If you could arrange for any living person in the world to hear a full episode of Spitballers Podcast, who would it be and why? Okay. Why didn't you turn into Harry Carey at the end? I don't know. Yes.
Starting point is 00:31:55 That doesn't make sense. One living person to hear a full episode of the show. Okay. That's an interesting question because there's a lot of different ways you could go. What popped into your head first? i there were two things for whatever reason it was the queen and the pope wow i don't know why i would not want the pope to listen to an entire episode of the spin ballers but it's almost like i just want to see what would happen does the is the pope allowed to laugh or does he just like move his shoulders? His shoulders move up and down.
Starting point is 00:32:25 I'm pretty sure the Pope's job is not to just be like not enjoying. I'm amused. Why is he moving his shoulders like that? Because he's holding the laugh back. You think he would laugh at us? His shoulders would move at least a little bit. Hey, Pope. You ever drink?
Starting point is 00:32:44 Of course he'd laugh at us. I don't know why the Queen and the Pope popped into my head first. It's like two names. Queen? I don't know why. Because I'm thinking of our show as, believe it or not,
Starting point is 00:32:56 no, this is going to be hard to hear for both of you, as slightly, kind of, sort of, Careful. Careful. Elementary. I accept. Yeah. slightly kind of sort of careful careful elementary i accept yeah that's okay childish okay yeah so then i'm trying to think of the most opposite to that to see if i can make that person okay i was gonna say it's so that you feel like if you make the queen break. Oh, well. If the queen approves this podcast, we're getting at least 50 more listeners. If we could get the entire queen's guard. Well, two less because the royal family is getting smaller. If you got the queen's guard to have air pods and they all had to listen to this episode
Starting point is 00:33:37 and never once break. Are the queen's guards the ones who can't move? I think those are the ones that are not allowed to move or laugh or break or anything. You can go right up and. Yeah, the nut're nutcrackers yeah you can lick their face and they just they're i don't think you can lick their face i think they're watch watch me i think if you physically touch them they're allowed to fight back that's fair that's fair i haven't tried it yet uh i don't recommend it but um he would sit there and he'd be like i'm gonna lick your face i'm gonna lick your face i'm gonna lick your face right now the first two things that came to mind for me partner on uh who you want them nutcrackers
Starting point is 00:34:13 i want that guy to listen to the podcast he'd love it yosemite um so like i think to myself i want like the dude perfect guys to listen listen just so we can become best friends. Yes. Those guys are awesome. Let's do a home and home. We'll go on your show. You come on our show. Same benefit.
Starting point is 00:34:34 Even Swapski. We have a 12 in our listenership, too. That's right. Like a dozen to 12 million. I think you should make an official offer. I think that's a fair offer. To Mr. Dude? We give you permission to listen.
Starting point is 00:34:49 It's Mr. Perfect. Oh, because Mr. Perfect's a wrestler. Okay. I'm perfect. Only you know that, Mike. Or Lorne Michaels also comes to mind. Oh, okay. You out there?
Starting point is 00:35:00 All right. All right. Do you have anybody that pops into your head, Mike? Just like the weird thing that you had of trying to make the queen laugh. Yeah. I was like, I think we can make Elon Musk laugh. Oh, I don't want to watch him laugh. I feel like that would be like a disturbing.
Starting point is 00:35:17 What would his laugh sound like? What does a robot look like? You haven't heard his laugh? No. It's got to be nerdy. It's a real nerdy laugh. I saw a GIF of him dancing the other day. It was real special.
Starting point is 00:35:30 The laugh is better than the dance. Possible not to be. Ladies and gentlemen, you know you got to be snacking. Jason, always. ABS. Always be snacking. Always be snacking. Jason, always. ABS, always be snacking. Always be snacking. If you want to take your snack game to the next level, nuts.com.
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Starting point is 00:36:11 They deliver crazy fast. It shocked me. It was like, were they outside? Yeah. They have a truck out there? They knew I was going to do this. And look, this is a sponsor of the show, yes. But they are also sponsoring my pantry.
Starting point is 00:36:25 They are sponsoring this office. We are snacking nonstop, and we're doing a little better. We're doing a little bit healthier. Yeah. Also, get the apple pie mix because it's so good. You're going to want to get a couple of those. It is so good. And check it out right now.
Starting point is 00:36:39 NewNuts.com customers get free shipping on your first order when you text ballers to 64,000. Text ballers to 64,000 to get free shipping on your first order from nuts.com. That's ballers to 64,000. Terms apply. Available at nuts.com slash terms. Spit ballers to the rescue. i almost jumped in there i forgot that it that he says dustin from twitter when the waitress asks the question is invited who or the oldest or the most people in the party or what what is the protocol okay i see what's going on here i feel like it's usually the one in charge and by that i mean you know what i'm talking about you're at dinner and there's
Starting point is 00:37:43 there's the one that's in charge and maybe there's two ones in charge you know like that's why i think what he's asking for because it's it's sometimes you have the two people because by in charge you mean just the one driving the conversation i think it's the tallest you're jockeying for a position of the this is this class warfare at the restaurant? I think it would be zombie apocalypse comes, who's our leader? Okay. The same exact, these are mirror questions of who decides who's going to split the check.
Starting point is 00:38:22 But now I have a question for you. Okay. Let's say you are following said leader. We'll just call him Rick Grimes for now because you brought up the zombie apocalypse. You're at dinner with Rick Grimes. He is this leader that you're talking about of the dinner. The check comes out, and Rick Grimes says,
Starting point is 00:38:40 oh, no, we're going to split. Now what's your opinion of Mr. Rick Grimes? Because it's no longer favorable. You trust your leader. Yeah, then we split. That's my point. Oh, no. If he doesn't pick it up.
Starting point is 00:38:52 We split. So Mike's version of a leader is somebody who pays the bill. You're darn right. So you need them to pay for you. Here's what I'm curious about, though. You want to lead? I really want to know the protocol here because i feel a when i go out with a group even if we are going to split the bill i feel the sense of obligation like i'd like to make it as easy as possible
Starting point is 00:39:15 on the waiter or waitress so like i prefer to just one person pays the bill everybody else can sort it out later. Interesting. Because when I go out with certain people. It's a lot easier now. We just zell each other money or the cash app or whatever. And then, you know. I mean, the real solution to this problem is. People sit all over the place when you split up parties. Yes.
Starting point is 00:39:40 I mean, that can be an issue. But I feel like usually this is just preparation. This is you sit down when you order and you say, we're on two separate tickets. Let's put our order in first. Then it's easier for the wait staff. Still a little more work. Then having to do. What's easier, one order or two orders?
Starting point is 00:39:59 One ticket or two tickets? No, not for you, for them. It's the same amount of ease. For them. Jason's order is two orders. Right. He always gets two tickets no not for you for them amount of ease for them jason's order is two orders right he always gets two tickets um so i yeah i'm gonna say that you you should say up front whether it's together or separate um and if you don't establish that the person who would lead you in an apocalypse makes the decision and whatever they say goes period all right i'm going to i'm i'm going to just go with with that advice there i'm going
Starting point is 00:40:33 to move on to another question you guys don't see it because it's very timely and i need to know the answer to this because i've been i've you guys might have seen the video and i was really surprised that it was dividing the internet. Oh, my goodness. And I'm curious what... If it is what you're talking about. It is. I don't have a clue.
Starting point is 00:40:52 So there's a video out there right now of a gentleman who is sitting in the back... How dare you call him a gentleman? I agree with you on that. Oh, I know the video. There is a man who is sitting at the back of a plane. His seat does not recline. The woman in front of him has chosen to recline her seat. He has chosen to repay her by punching the back of her seat over and over and over again.
Starting point is 00:41:15 And over and over and over. Now, clearly, we would all agree, based especially on Mike's reply there, that this man was in the wrong because he was acting like a child. He was abusing this woman's right to her seat in the wrong because he was acting like a child he was uh abusing this woman's right to her seat in space and it was ridiculous and obviously a lot of people have come out and said like look if this is a 250 pound man in front of him there's no way he's doing this because this guy's going to get up and punch him in the face 100 so he's abused you know i think we all agree that that man in that instance is in the wrong but if you read people's comments reddit
Starting point is 00:41:45 twitter everywhere else not defending him but the debate is whether it is actually allowed to ever recline a seat ever in an airplane and the majority opinion that i've read is that it is rude it is considered rude and you should never ever recline your seat ever. The vocal minority. And it was shocking to me because I didn't know this. The vocal minority on this topic was unbelievable. When I saw it and I looked at her post and the first like 50 responses were just lambasting her for reclining into his space. And I'm like, what? I don't want to to try him and her. I just want to ask the question of actual plane etiquette.
Starting point is 00:42:28 Because a lot of people that fly a lot, they say it is rude to recline at all, or they say it is rude to recline if your flight is under four hours. So basically, because you can't... And there are products out there that you can buy. Yes. I've seen that you can hook onto the tray that will stop the, the seat from moving backwards. So you're saying you can buy a product that stops the seat from doing what it was designed to do.
Starting point is 00:42:57 That would be one person's opinion that it is designed to recline. Therefore it is your right to recline. That's how I've always approached it. If someone in front of me is reclined, i have never once thought they're evil because i'm like no i might think to myself that sucks because i am tall but there are people out there that think and i would say it's the majority believe that it is rude to recline at all it should not be an option on an airplane obviously we know plane space is minute. You have no room. People need to move around. Deep vein thrombosis can get you.
Starting point is 00:43:29 So what do you think? What is the right life advice etiquette? Are you allowed to recline? Are you allowed to recline? 100% you are allowed to recline. And this is coming from... I'm not a... You're a tall man.
Starting point is 00:43:40 I consider myself slightly above... What's the average height? Average height is actually short. Is it 5'9 or 5'10? I think it's 5'9. So the average height of a man. Oh, this can't be right. It's 5'6".
Starting point is 00:43:54 No. That's bad information. Great. Even better for my argument. Sorry. 5'9". Okay. In America.
Starting point is 00:44:04 That sounds about right. So I guess that would make me tall because I'm 6 feet tall. You are way taller than 6 feet. I'm almost 6'1", but I say 6 feet because I'm not one of the guys. I don't round up. I'm 5'11 1⁄2", and you're 2 inches taller than me. Okay. You're 6'2".
Starting point is 00:44:21 Back to the argument is I'm tall. Sitting in an airplane, it sucks. It's uncomfortable. If someone reclines in front of me, that is 100% what they are allowed to do. I don't get upset with them. I recline my seat. That's what I do. But then the question becomes in the back row.
Starting point is 00:44:40 Okay, guess what? You should have bought your ticket earlier. You should have got to the airport earlier don't get mad because you were the procrastinator now some of the maybe there's things out of your control that you had to get a last second flight mike you had to do it i i i just don't think i've ever heard you speak wiser or more truth into this is fantastic than this because that's that person's fault yes you got you got the crappiest seat well as far as i'm concerned if there if the plane puts a button yes in your
Starting point is 00:45:12 armrest to allow you to do something with your seat it is within your rights now if you want to be considered are you allowed to go to the bathroom on a plane it might smell bad they do they have bathrooms on the plane yes i'm allowed to use it if the button is there two skis on the plane this can be a very golden rule situation right if you don't want people to recline on you you can choose not to recline out of consideration that's very kind of you i hope you sit in front of me exactly now now there are people you could also be polite and ask somebody like hey i would you mind moving it up you could also be polite and ask somebody like hey i would you mind moving it up you could ask i mean that you can do that there was somebody that i read
Starting point is 00:45:50 that every time the person in front of them reclines their seat they aim their air on the top of their head and i would say thank you thank you for making my flight even better i guess some people don't like that and so when the person finally says, don't do that, they're like, well, I will trade you, not aiming it at you for moving your seat back up. Honestly, people are not great. People are very strange. The time where I will be considerate of thinking about the person behind me when it comes to reclining is if there's an actual food service. Oh, for sure. And I'm not talking about they've come through with the sodas and the peanuts.
Starting point is 00:46:25 But if there's an actual meal, and I don't even know if we really do that anymore. But if there is a meal time that's happening for everybody, I will move my chair up. I feel like that should be an announcement on the plane. Like, please raise your chairs up for meal service. Just to be fair, the logic you applied to being able to recline your seat applies equally for meal service. Just to be fair, the logic you applied to being able to recline your seat applies equally for meal service. You have the ability and capability. And I'm just saying that's when I will take it into account.
Starting point is 00:46:53 But if the person in front of me keeps their chair reclined the entire time... Even during the meal service? Yeah. Then that's their right to do that. You don't punch their seat over and over again forever? How could you not do that? Because I'm not five years old yeah
Starting point is 00:47:05 i i luckily maybe where i was looking i didn't find people defending his actions i saw people saying yeah she's not being considerate but not that she deserved to have her seat punched oh i saw so many people say he was doing the right thing sweeping the internet i can't fathom that anyone is on that side it's it unbelievable, but they're out there. All right. They're just not spit wads. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:47:31 All right. Moving on. The Spitballers Draft. All right. We've done one of these style drafts before. It was a whole lot of fun. We did NFL M battle royale. So we were drafting NFL teams by their mascot.
Starting point is 00:47:50 We each get four picks. We're thrown into a Coliseum. Man, this Coliseum is getting a lot of work. Yeah. Right. We should just buy it. Great staff. Yeah, we shouldn't be renting.
Starting point is 00:48:00 I don't know why we're renting this thing. That's embarrassing. It's expensive, though, to buy a Coliseum, to be honest. Maybe we can get some of that Dude Perfect money and we can get a Coliseum. That's all I'm saying. But we're doing NBA Mascot Battle Royale. You can pick from every NBA team. Like the Jazz.
Starting point is 00:48:20 You can go with the Jazz. I did get a quartet my last time around with the Bills. Now, I've decided not to really think much about this draft, even though I have the first pick. Perfect. Because I would like to let it come to me. This Battle Royale situation, I'm fighting Mike, I'm fighting Jason. I need to be able to react to the picks that you make and counter them.
Starting point is 00:48:40 Good luck reacting to the pick I have not made. Now, there are several that I would think about for the first pick in the draft. There's only one I get to select, and I'm going to go with the Washington Wizards. Oh, okay. I'm going to take Magic because I know how important these Coliseums and Magic seem to be. I'm going to have a team of Wizards because it's plural, right? I get several Wizards. Yes.
Starting point is 00:49:05 And they're going to be my, you know, front line in this battle. I assumed that that would be my pick because I thought that while that is a good pick, I didn't think that either of you would want that as tops. I have it very high on my list, but it wasn't, in fact, my number one pick. So I assumed it would be my third. But do believe that it's a great pick the best pick because who's top of the food chain Mike in what in right earth humans correct why because we have weapons because they're not wizards weapons uh what's better a gun or a wand? I mean, if it was real. Honestly, I think it's a wand.
Starting point is 00:49:49 Sure. But my point is, if you've got a team of wizards. It's a wand. Yeah. So I'm going with the wizards. Maybe. I understand. Look, there are a lot of different teams.
Starting point is 00:49:58 There are a lot of different ideas and concepts. I'm looking forward to the arguments behind your picks. But I think my argument is very simple. It is. I have a team of wizards with magical powers. Go on. It is outstanding. Now, they used to be... Jason, you brought up the guns. I mean, they used to be the Washington Bullets. Yes, and they upgraded. So, they pivoted
Starting point is 00:50:16 to the wizards. Alright. Well, my first pick will be full of clever girls. I thought that would... Because I will take the Toronto Raptors. I like that pick. That was my number two. That was definitely my number two.
Starting point is 00:50:28 You have a bunch of Raptors in the Coliseum. It seems very... I've seen enough Jurassic parks to know that the Toronto Raptors would be apex predators if they were around today, even above human beings. I agree, and that's why... Humans try to control them,
Starting point is 00:50:43 and they lose every time. My wizards would why i try to control them and they lose every time my wizards would likely not try to destroy them but rather cast a spell and ride them that would be their plan so you've got the raptors as your first pick i've got the wizards jason you're sitting there you got two picks i got that will both be not quite as good that's a hundred percent true i mean those that's the clear 101 and 102. Those are the picks. You could go. What is a knickerbocker?
Starting point is 00:51:09 I mean, you could go the New York Knicks. I always assumed knickerbockers were underpants. Those would be knickers? I think that is correct. I have no idea. Close enough. Yeah. Those would be like your knickers.
Starting point is 00:51:21 There are. Yeah, my knickerbockers. Yeah. I'll take the Miami Heat. Listen, knickerbockers. Yeah. I'll take the Miami heat. Listen, knickerbockers or knickers are a form of men's trousers. Yes. Wait a minute. Yes.
Starting point is 00:51:31 Wait, the New York knickerbockers are underwear? The New York undies. Now, wait. This website says that, and this website is the NBA.com. NBA.com. Wait, the NBA.com? No, no, no. NBA.com. Wait, the NBA.com? No, no, no. NBA.com.
Starting point is 00:51:45 Okay. The term Knickerbockers traces its origin to the Dutch settlers who came to the New World. Okay. Specifically, it refers to the style of pants they wore. Wow. So it is 100% exactly what you think. When you're in a battle royale, you don't want to have your stuff hanging out.
Starting point is 00:52:05 No. You got to cover up. Well, so I'm tempted, but I think I might get that in another round or two. You've got a twofer, though, so you could take someone and then clothe them. You could go Knickerbockers and Jazz. Yes. Look, I don't know my second pick yet, but I know my first one, okay? We've got Jay Grizz, who gets a lot of love around these i
Starting point is 00:52:27 thought this was gonna be my pick and i that was i was hoping that would be your pick so i could get the raptors but i'm gonna i'm definitely going memphis grizzlies because some grizzly bears in there yep i mean if you gotta fight some raptors and some wizards yeah why not have a grizzly i would like some grizzly bears please okay um now here's where it gets i'm taking the poison it gets i'll take the new york allergies um oh man this gets really tough it falls off a cliff from here what to me it does i've got two more that i really want so i hope you don't take them so i'm gonna yeah all right let's hear it all right i'm gonna go a different direction i'm gonna i'm gonna take i before you please no no let him say i know but i just want to say like
Starting point is 00:53:19 i'm with you that there are some picks in here that my brain can justify this as it should have been the first pick taken overall. Right. Because if you really think about it. Yeah. You're OP. Yeah. But let's hear your pick.
Starting point is 00:53:34 So this is weird. But I don't know how you're going to fight me. I know how I'm going to fight you. Yes. Yes. And I am taking the Oklahoma City Thunder. Oh, no, not at all. Oh, crap.
Starting point is 00:53:49 Oh, crap, that's not lightning. That is not lightning. That's sound. Oh, no, what have I done? What have I done? Boom, boom, boom. I'm going to scare you with those loud cracks. Yeah, you've got some.
Starting point is 00:54:06 You startle me. If we have any babies or small animals. Why are they the thunder? Why are they the thunder? And why is Thor then the god of thunder? That's a great question. That's so stupid. He controls the sound, but I see him with the lightning.
Starting point is 00:54:22 So your brain associated Thor with thunder so you thought yes lightning i wanted to strike lightning down on you guys you can't attack me i can attack you but thunder is just the sound i am an idiot you realized it quick though i but i realized it after an official declaration of my draft pick and i knew you guys would not let me out of that that was the worst possible timing so you have the grizzlies and then you also have some some thunder really loud noises you better get headphones for your own team man all right mike you're off to a good start all right leave all of those type of things for me. Then I will, I will do that.
Starting point is 00:55:06 All right. I don't know how I'm going to use this next teammate of mine, because, but the definition, Oh, that's a good start. Well, I just want to make sure that I'm,
Starting point is 00:55:17 I'm doing a counter argument before the argument Webster's defines. This is a good pick. No, it is a missile, spacecraft, aircraft, or other vehicle. These are all the things that it could be. You're going with the rocket. I will take the Houston rockets. That was basically like my thunder pick.
Starting point is 00:55:36 But a good one. Except I have missiles. Yeah, I was thinking lightning. But the thing is, is once your missiles go, they're gone. You know what I mean? That's why I wanted the thunder thunder i didn't i wanted lightning i'm gonna let me ask you this jason if we're in a coliseum how many missiles do you think i need well you have some collateral damage issues that you could have your raptors as long as i have one other missile still alive technically i win so you're willing to take down some of everybody at the same time this team
Starting point is 00:56:07 is willing to do what it has to do victory at all costs so your team is now the raptors and the rockets jason has the thunder and the grizzlies i have the wizards and now i have two picks yes that's correct interesting interesting interesting i I could blaze some trails. That's an option. Spoiler. That I could do. I could make it generally warm in the Coliseum. Multiple ways.
Starting point is 00:56:34 You could take the heat or the suns. Yeah, the suns is interesting because I feel like maybe, like, does that mean I get- You'd just melt the whole Coliseum. Yeah, that's trouble. That's trouble. I'm going to go with the warrior i'm gonna go with the warriors okay the warriors i need some frontline like the wizards let's be honest they're not hand to hand i need some meat shields for they need to take the damage from the raptors while my wizards are casting spells but But now I'm actually going to go.
Starting point is 00:57:06 Oh, man. Oh, that's right. You get to. I almost threw up my pick. You almost threw it out. You almost pulled the hallway. I am going to make a mistake. But I don't want you to have this pick.
Starting point is 00:57:23 Oh, so I will. I'm going to take it and I'm going to give it to my Warriors. I'm taking the Orlando Magic. I'm giving the Magic to the Warriors, so now my Wizards and my Warriors, they both got Magic. I would have taken the Magic. That would have been my next pick. I'm worried about somebody countering my Wizards, so I need the Magic.
Starting point is 00:57:43 I thought you were going to give your warriors nets. I thought about it. I really did. I thought nets would come back to me in the last round to be honest with you. I think it will. They will. Okay, so I'm taking the magic because I don't want you guys to have anything to combat my wizards with.
Starting point is 00:57:59 I've got the wizards, the warriors, and the magic. We'll see how much the people respect the magic attack. Usually they respect it a lot. I'm taking the genie. Based on previous polls we've had. All right. So I have two picks that I'm weighing, and in my head I'm fighting them against each other.
Starting point is 00:58:20 I'm running multiple scenarios, and I think at the end I just gotta get the girth. I gotta get the weight so I will take the bulls. That's a good pick. I wanted the magic or the bulls. Excellent. So Mike's team is just, I can just picture it in my mind. It's front line.
Starting point is 00:58:40 Bulls are charging in, Raptors are leaping in, and Rockets are flying at me. Honestly, the Rockets are just the backup plan. I'm going to go three-team, and then if my three teams don't get it done. You send one Rocket in. Well, you need a king then. You need a king standing in the background, and he says, fire the Rockets, and then the guy looks at him and goes, but our men are out there.
Starting point is 00:59:02 I said, fire the rockets. That's not a bad thought. Now, that being said, if I was going to try to prevent a rocket attack from killing me, do you want to know what I would want? Missile defense system. Some magic. Oh, shields up. But I don't have it.
Starting point is 00:59:25 I don't have the magic or the wizards. You were in some trouble because you got two picks, right? Yeah, I got two bad picks coming. So I'm just going to have fun here. I know how badly Mike hates this. And as the leader of his team, I want to instill terror and horror into your life so i am taking the hornet yeah i will take the new orleans hornets they might not win the fight but they will cause mayhem everywhere that's a lot of you know who the hornets will be a problem for the warriors yes yes the war
Starting point is 01:00:01 my bulls and raptors will be mostly okay. Yeah, but the Warriors are going down to the Hornets. They're just running. They're gone now. Bulls, Raptors, Warriors, they all got eyeballs. And those Hornets, they shoot their shot. That's fair. Yes, I wanted the Hornets with my last pick.
Starting point is 01:00:18 Nice selection. Now we have a problem. Now you could get some nuggets. Hey, look, money wins wars, right? That's true. Take the gold nuggets and then... Is there anything you can combine with thunder that might make thunder valuable?
Starting point is 01:00:35 Yes. Lightning. Magic. Oh, dang it. But you took it. Yeah. All right, so at this point, I'm just seeing how big a gap i can lose by you can throw some
Starting point is 01:00:49 spurs out there on the field for people to step on well i don't want the warriors to also have spurs so maybe this is like a keep away yeah go for it uh man why are the celtics called the celtics i and why are they not the celtics yeah because aren't they isn't i don't want they are the Celtics called the Celtics? And why are they not the Celtics? Yeah, because isn't what they are the Celtics? Isn't that what the Celtics are? They definitely use a shamrock. Aren't they named after the Celtics? I thought so.
Starting point is 01:01:15 And it's spelled like the Celtics? It sounds like whoever owned the team at one time didn't know it was pronounced Celtics. And he said, oh, we're the team Celtics. And then everyone around is like, oh, okay. Just go with it, man. Don't do anything. All right. So in this case, I am going to have to select a team,
Starting point is 01:01:35 and I'm between two, and I'm going to do a quick look of what one of them is. The name has a great basketball tradition from the old original Celtics in New York and Boston is full of Irishmen. Yeah, it's also known as Celtics. Yeah, that's what they say. All right. I am going to take the Bobcats because a nice warrior. Oh, gosh.
Starting point is 01:02:03 You sound so defeated. Well, I've lost. You just took a tiny kitty cat. Do you know how big a bobcat is? Pretty small. I mean like they could do some work but literally one on one a person can defeat a bobcat.
Starting point is 01:02:18 19 pounds. The bobcats? I don't think they're still a team. Oh they are not. Yes! That's right. So I'm back on they're still a team. Oh, they are not. Yes! That's right. So I'm back on the clock. Yeah, you're lucky. That's right.
Starting point is 01:02:31 You didn't draft a 19-pound cat. For the record, I am drafting based on a list Andy gave me. So thanks for that. Wow, good call, Brooks. The judge just getting it done over there. In that case, I'm'm gonna go with hopefully a larger animal i have no idea how big that's right the hornets are the pelicans and the our new orleans became the pelicans and the hornets went back to charlotte yes there we go so you can draft the pelican is what i'm saying the pelicans are mean yeah they could store some i did not know
Starting point is 01:03:01 that bobcats are that small they're small i thought you. I thought I was drafting like a jaguar. You weren't. I was not. So how big are timber wolves, if I were to ask? They're a standard wolf. That's what I wanted to pick. They're a good pick. Well, then I'll take the timber wolves.
Starting point is 01:03:15 They're great. I was laughing at your selection of bobcats because I was then going to take timber wolves, a far superior animal in a fight. I googled timber wolves because i wanted to see them but only thing that came up was the nba team i went to images and it's just kevin garnett is humongous so i will take timber wolves yeah i think that's a great thank you so your final team is the grizzlies some scary thunder as brooks wrote it in hornets and timber wolves you actually don't have a bad draft.
Starting point is 01:03:45 And the Thunder itself, you know. I'm hoping that on the polls, people are stupid as well as I am. And they go, ooh, how are you going to defeat Thunder? Yeah, there you go. Well, in fairness, actually, this is a great pick. No, think about this. This is Last Man Standing, right? Thunder can never die?
Starting point is 01:04:09 How are you defeating thunder? What are you going to do? Nothing. I win. Eternity. The way I picture it is you have a finite amount of thunder cracks. Well, no. So you're just not going to use them?
Starting point is 01:04:22 Yeah. I'm just there forever. So he drafted clouds. That's right. Kill me. Can't do it. Maybe the sun will. Oh, well, draft it.
Starting point is 01:04:32 Yeah, Mike. Draft it. Counter it. All right. I'm upset. I was hoping I would get the Timberwolves to complete my animals and rockets team. Yeah, we're running out of the decisive. Yes, yes.
Starting point is 01:04:47 And I looked up, in fact, what is a clipper? And those are named basically after boats. Ah. I thought it was. It's not a dude running through with nail clippers. How do boats work out? That was your hope? I was really hoping for that.
Starting point is 01:05:01 If it was a dude with nail clippers, I would have drafted it. I was all in. Yeah. Coliseum doesn't have water, in case you guys are curious. I've been there. Yes, you have. All right, I'm going to get an aerial attack. I'll take the Hawks. Well, that sucks.
Starting point is 01:05:15 Yeah, they were pretty much the last. Because the Hawks were kind of the last one I wanted, so I will, in fact, either have to draft. It's between the Phoenix Suns, so that I can assuage any of this thunder last forever thought or the Miami Heat if I want to stay warm or what was going to be my last pick. I'm just going with it. I'm taking the Brooklyn Nets.
Starting point is 01:05:39 So you're taking the Nets for the Warriors. I am throwing. Yeah, the Warriors now have magic and nets now wait are these nets alive they are nets that you toss out onto creatures it's got ropes look how many animals are they alive no they're not alive no you ever seen a an alive net no i have not but i've also never seen a battle royale with magic look it is not a matter of everything being alive it's a matter of winning and i think i can win by throwing a net over a grizzly oh probably not the hornets uh timberwolves raptors hawks throw it on thunder good luck this is gonna
Starting point is 01:06:19 all be done i'm taking the net i thought you would have taken the kings because you've got this human army. And I feel like if you got warriors and wizards and kings, now all of a sudden I see not five guys out there fighting, but I see an army. As far as I'm concerned, the only way I'm losing with wizards on this team is if some sort of animal gets through the warriors and gets through the nets that i've thrown out there and is able to eat these wizards before they can cast a long incantation i hope they have good spells of protection well the first pick in the draft
Starting point is 01:06:58 honestly when i was laughing talking about like what pick should be number one. I legit think that the Suns should be the number one pick. How do you not win a fight? You just got to wait a couple billion years. That Sun's going to burn out any minute. You don't even have to. You're the Sun. When I pictured the Suns. You can't be harmed.
Starting point is 01:07:21 I figured, you know, you look at the basketball logo. These are like, they're almost like meteors coming down onto the battlefield even better yeah that's why i thought they'd be good but i was afraid i'd get stuck in outer space wait for a supernova yeah i feel like in the polls it would not perform but no in my head is number one all right mike raptors rockets bulls and hawks jason grizzlies thunder hornets timberwol. I have the Wizards, Warriors, Magic, and Nets. What did we learn today? I feel like I know what Jason learned. I learned the allergy tests sort of thing yesterday.
Starting point is 01:07:53 They do seem a little antiquated. I also learned that you had a confusion issue with Thunder and Lightning. I'm sure that happens a lot. I know the difference. I knew the difference. You would have an intimidation factor without question.
Starting point is 01:08:09 Like on the pre-battle warm-up show, you would hear a lot of boom. You'd be scared out there. But you also can't defeat me. It's the best pick. All right, Mike, did you learn anything special today? I learned that apparently a lot of people are not into reclining seats. They think it's rude, despite the fact that there is a button for me to recline. And that Brooks can hold down a scat if he needs to.
Starting point is 01:08:36 Oh, yes, he can. That's right. Giggity, giggity, giggity goo. Thank you for tuning in to the podcast. Check out SpitballersPod.com to help support the show. We'll be back next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast.
Starting point is 01:08:52 To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.

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