Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Storage Stash & TV & Movie Titles to Describe Parenting - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

Monday returns and so does another brand new episode of the Spitballers Podcast. On this episode, bathroom capers abound, the situation room returns and the laughter rolls as we draft TV & Movie Titles to Describe Parenting. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Skittly-diddly, mink mink muck. I like the skittly dittily, though. I like the mink mink muck. I'm okay with that, and I love hating on Andy's. You sounded like you were buffering in the middle. That was the part

I thought of the skittly and the dittling And that was where it ended I am so tired of scatting I'm so tired I shall sell you more scats Oh I'll probably I'll probably have to make a deal with you But man I would love it

If I was done with the scath But at least this time I get the pick I get the first pick That's true That is true I get the last pick Last time you had the scat And I got the first pick

This is way worse Welcome into the Spitballers podcast episode 359. There is a 101. I want, I want people to know. There's a 101 for the draft. See, that's the kind of pressure I can't handle. 101.

We're drafting TV or movie titles that best describe parenting children. And there's a 101 you say. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't. Right out the door. out the door

I am not I'm not sure I know that it's funny because we have we each have three kids we each have two boys and a girl There's a 101 We each have two boys and a girl I think I know what it is

I think I know what it is We all have the same exact age ranges Yeah it's better now than it used to be And yet I feel like me and you We have such We have such different experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, I, I wonder if our movie titles were, if you will overlap. If you say new divotiles that describe your happiness, it's a problem for us.

Right. Like if I, if I'm like pursuit of happiness. Yeah. That's a good title. Yeah. It doesn't work for us. No. All right. We're playing some would you rather. We got the situation room today and we're happy to have you with us at Spitballers pot over on X. We, uh, we would always appreciate your reviews. you subscribe and review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, that does us a favor. It takes a couple seconds and helps us out in the algorithm. We appreciate it. If you want to hear more of the show, that's one way you can help support. Let's jump right in.

Would you rather? Well, we have a Patreon question. Would you rather have to use one of those paper toilet seat covers? Oh. Which every single time you sit on the toilet. I mean, like, are those doing? anything? Have you ever used one? I have. Yeah, I've used one. How many, how many in your life? Once or twice? Yeah, that's the same. I have. I know long, I'm, I felt like an idiot. I just, I wipe,

I wipe down. Oh, you, you pre-wip the seat. Well, because have you been in a man's bath? Okay, hold on, hold on. Are you saying, obviously, if I go to, you ever been in a stall where there was not peepet shine? Yes, plenty of times. I have been to a stall. Plenty? It's every time. No, no, no. I'm saying plenty of times I go into a stall. Yeah. It's not covered in piss. What? obviously if it is I would wipe it down. I'm not sitting in another man's peepee. That's not happening. That's what we're talking about.

Off limits. But if you go in, if you go into a- Pee-Pee don't touch these cheeks. That's right. I mean, my pee-be can touch it, but your pee-pee's not touching my cheeks. Here's the thing. If you go, I'm just curious. Your pee-P-my-my-pee's clean.

If you were to go into a public stall, right, and it appears to be free of liquid. Do you wipe down? Always. You do? I don't. I don't. I don't. I mean, what am I talking about?

I don't poop in public. Well, you don't pee sitting down in it? Just for fun. You do that in public? In public? Whoa. Whoa. Oh, we just uncovered something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. You're in public and you are so tired and lazy. Brother. At home, in my own domiciled. Sure. I love a sit down. Oh, you're going to sit down.

I love a sit down. Just I'm going to relax. In public. You can't be bothered to do. stand up for that one? If I was number one only, I have zero times done that in public. It's not zero for you.

Don't hear what I'm not saying. I'm hearing everything you're not saying. If I have to just... I'm the one leaving the pee on the toilet seats. For me. If I have to just pee in a public restroom, I am of course using a urinal 100 out of 100 times. Even if there's stalls only.

So you have to pee and you walk into a bathroom I'm a stall's only. Yeah. Your pants down hands up. Yeah, brother. Me too. This is what everybody else does. If I go to a stall, if I'm at a seat, I'm going to sit.

See, this is, this brings up the whole issue of like, here's the truth. Do you care how dirty your butt is? No. Does it really matter? The outside of my cheeks, I don't care. The outside of your butt can get as dirty as it. We think we need to keep it clean. It's a fair question, but I still won't do that.

No, I don't want anybody's. I would do. but I won't do To my butt cheeks Here's the thing If I were to sit down But I won't do that With my butt cheeks on

He sits on the urinal If I If I had to sit on You know Some ledge The paper thing on the urinal He sits on it For some reason I don't have pants on it

And my butt cheeks Get all sorts of dirty I don't care No it doesn't matter It's really what you care about Is someone else's beep I don't want to And that has nothing to do

With butt cheeks Or legs or any part of me, no part of me can have a... Yeah, I agree with that. Not my pee on it. No, your pee is your own. Yeah. That's what we always say here.

I mean, as is on the inside as the outside. Yeah, exactly. I didn't even get through the halfway through the question. Oh, there was a question. Would you rather have to use one of the toilet paper seat covers every time you sit on any toilet? Okay. So that's your home toilet. I mean, it's your home toilet.

You got to do it. It doesn't do anything, but it's uncomforty. Or never be able to sit on any toilet seat again. So no sitting. Oh, my. What are you hovering? I guess for the number two's, you are doing more. I mean, it's a squatted.

You can either squat or you can sit on the rim. What do you mean the rim? He means lit up. Lift the lid? Yeah. I could learn how to do that. Seat up. You're on the ledge.

I feel like that's a real dangerous dip. That's a dangerous dip, but that's, it's doable. It's uncomfortable. It's doable. Those are not made for posture. No, they're not made for seating. I have never. No, I have accidentally.

Well, I mean, but. Like the sea was up and you went to go. But here's like midnight. Oh, you sit down. But accidentally you sat down. You dip. And you went, whoa, you weren't like, well, we're in Rome. That's true.

That's true. That's a get up and fix the situation. Not like, well, I'm here. I've never performed duties. Man, I want to try. I want to try. I want to try to take a dump on the rim. You're going to be in balance.

Dump on the rim. I want to sit on the rim and take a dump. The amount of leg strength is going to take it. I've done that. I've been wanting to poop on the ground. Wait, you pooped on the ground? I mean, I've gone camping. He's not going camping in the woods.

You've pooped on the ground. You've pooped on the ground. That's not the ground. The ground. That's nature. We're talking about toilets, okay? The ground near a toilet. The toilet's not sitting there.

You don't go on the woods and find a toilet. I make a toilet, but I do think I want. Pooping might be hard. I'll try to sit down to pee on a, rim tonight. I'm fine with the toilet seat covers. I could get used to that. They're worthless. They're a little slip sliding. You can't, you cannot do the thing where you can't sit on a seat. No. Because, like, let's just imagine. That's your quiet time. Average every day. Let's say you're just super regular. You're super regular. This is easy, peasy. I just,

you could make that work. You could. You could sit on the rim and you'll be fine. But every now and then, there are situations that just, you're sick, right? Right. I'm going to be here a while. You're going to be here a while. You got diarrhea. You're sweating. Right. Your body is revolting. I'm not sitting on a rim.

And I'm certainly not hovering. Imagine like the opt. Dude, would you take like stand up breaks? You'd have to. You'd have to be like. Which is a problem in itself. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, squat. You'd have to install.

That's what you have to do. You'd have to install the like the like bars. Oh, no, to hold on to. Like the old people like, yeah, you know, safety bars. Yeah. You'd have to. I would want one hanging from the ceiling so I could just hang. Just levitate.

Yeah. Would you rather have, would you rather go rim or have a pull-up bar that you, you, you hover? I'd rather go rim. Okay. I can't, I can't do the levitate thing. So, which means putting the little stupid unnecessary paper is fine. Yeah, the worst thing about the papers is like, they don't do a lot and they definitely are not absorb it.

They're like onion skin paper. So if there is pee on the rim or on the seat, it's not absorbing it. Smushing it out to your butt cheeks. I mean, how about like just can't we have some kind of spray that like anti-bacterial? Like in between? You don't need it. That's the whole point we're saying. Yeah, your butt cheeks can get as dirty as you want.

Exactly. They're allowed. You're telling me germs don't move around. I'm telling you germs on your butt cheeks. They don't go on a Hobbit expedition. No, like I'm going to Mordor. They might go to their volcano. They're looking for the one ring.

Their volcano, their one ring that they're looking for is not going to affect me. It's where they came from. Yeah, I think we're going to be going to where you belong. Get your home. Carl from X. Would you rather be stranded overnight, unprotected in the middle of the Amazon rainforest. No. Or in the middle of the ocean off the coast.

to South Africa with nothing but a life preserver and some children's arm floating. Wait, overnight, but I have a life preserve? Are these both overnight? Yes, they're both over there. What is a life preserver? I'm going. What is a life preserver? One of those rings on a ship that they throw to you? Okay, that's what I was wondering. I didn't know if it was

a life savered or a or a, okay, that's, so it's like the ring. Because a life preserver is a life jacket is what we're used to. And that makes the difference for you. Well, people don't have life presuppers anymore. I honestly didn't know if this was a tiny little boat. or a life jacket.

It's neither. It's the ring. Okay, so I'm in a ring with floaties. Yeah, double protection. Or I am in the Amazon rainforest. I think the mental game in both is going to be really, really hard if I'm being honest. Because the rainforest, when it gets dark in the rainforest,

that is a horrific. There are bugs. I've seen enough Nat Geo. Serpents and dinosaurs. There are you don't live, you don't survive the Amazon. The size of Canada. but in the ocean, you're just,

your feet are just dangling. Like, I'd try to not, I would try to sit, I'd try to get up in that life preserver, like legs up and out, like I'm sitting in it like a, like a tube.

Like a tube. The first, still very in the water. I'd rather bite my butt. The first 10 minutes, the first 30 minutes, the first hour, I'm going to be freaking out about my legs.

My legs down there for the sharks to just eat on. Yeah. After an hour, I think that fades and dissipates because... Because the sharks are gone? Because there's probably not sharks there. Like statistically speaking, it would be very rare in a random spot for there to be sharks there. And so more than likely, nothing ever touches my legs.

And so after an hour, even though I mentally care about it quite a bit, I just will start to forget. Other things will be on my mind. And I won't even pay attention to that anymore. However, on the other side in the rainforest, when I'm scared about creepy crawlies, there's going to be constant things touching my legs, crawling on my legs. I will never get over it. What would the, what's the temps? Okay, well, actually, no.

Rainy. Full time out. Coast of South Africa? Yeah. What are you learning? No, I'm not learning. I already have learned. Too cold?

No, great whites. No, I'm seeing that there's a cataclysmic decline of great whites around the coast of South Africa. There's just a few as 350 to 522 remains. that's too much 352 many I don't know enough about the rainforest but I think there's stuff out there we don't even Oh you know even know you're not making it

overnight we're not making it overnight Yeah see you know I think you're right in the ocean I honestly think your best chance of survival is the ocean I do too and I think unless it's cold I don't know the temperature down there I don't know if you can survive in the water I don't know I don't know if you'll hypothermia or not

Well, what month is this? If the shark bites my legs off, but my legs are numb, it'll be fine. Okay, I mean, you'll bleed out. The temperatures are going to be fine. December through February, the water is 74 to 84 degrees. Okay. So it's not Arctic. And the others, we're talking 63 to 73 to 73.

We're okay. We're going to survive a night. Yeah, yeah. That's. Josh thinks that the pitch black ocean at night is the scariest. I think it's scary. It's pitch back in the ocean. Do you know how good I'm going to sleep?

You're not sleeping. Is it better? Hold on. Zero minutes. Detour. Ditor, would you rather? Better to be pitch black or the moon is full? Which is worse? For scary. The pitch black. Well, in the rainforest, the moon would not apply. But let's just say, do you want to see or not see? Which is part of your question. Do you want to see some of the water? The darker it is, the worst. I was just at a, I went to like a hotel in Sedona with my wife, right?

It's just it It's adults And we have the we have this like Nice view because that's what it's it's supposed to be a environmental Type of of a place so huge windows in your room and everything And but Sedona is a I think they call it a dark city I don't know what else But there's like there's rules about light

For the stars for light pollution Yeah like if you've never looked at the sky in Sedona It's awesome It's gnarly like it's light pollution in a good way like yeah yeah in a great way like light pollution sounds hilariously stupid until you go someplace that it's actually dark and you can see oh no there's actually infinity stars up in the sky and i can only see like 10 of them where we live in phoenix i think i was in my 20s before i realized that that was a thing it's it's the first time you see it

it's very eye-opening but anyways you look up you go out front your house right now and you look up at the stars and there kind of aren't any yes there's a few there's a handful and then you out into the middle of the woods or a city where there's no city of lights on the ground, you look up and it's like, they are still there. Yes. There are so many. But we would, you, you could do the thing where you go up to the window and you could see maybe 15 feet out because it was that dark, but there was, there was like a tree line. And the trees kind of have a, that effect of where the light is haloing. So, and it's cold. And so it's misty. And so it's misty. And when you look out...

It's like beyond the wall. Brother, you look out this window. Terrifying. There is 100% guaranteed there's gigantic monsters out there. Beyond the tree line, which is 10 feet in front of our civilized... Yeah, there's monsters. There's monsters out there. There are.

So when it's dark and you're a human outside, scary. It's a... Give me the ocean. It's... It's... I can't have... I can't have weird centipede frogs climbing all on me, dude. I would never get to sleep in the rainforest.

You won't sleep either place. No, eventually I'll fall asleep in the ocean. I'm not going to get a good solid uninterrupted eight hours. I think you'll get three to five minutes of sleep at a time. That might be true, but I will get zero. You're not on a lazy river, man. I will get zero to zero minutes of sleep in the rainforest. Here's another detour because these are popping on my head.

Would you rather do the night? in stillness of the ocean and the fear of that pitch black or a storm. Because I feel like the shark's not getting me in the storm. But the storm is awful. Without a doubt, it's stillness because that doesn't affect. I don't think that. There's no shark situation. What do you mean?

The sharks aren't chilling near the surface. No, no. There's 20 foot swell. No, they're going way down. There's no storms down there. Yeah. They don't hang out near the storm swell. Here's what I know that I can and cannot.

They're not riding 20 foot swells and jumping out. Look, if it's... There's no way they're up there. If it's rainy. I'll go down 20 feet and I'm solid. Okay. Either way, I can't see my feet in this water at night.

Right? I can't see my feet. I mean, if you had a full moon, you could probably see your feet. Sharks instinctively detect dropping barometric pressure and move to deep, calm, stable water to avoid rough surface conditions. That storm is a guarantee of no sharks. That's what I'm saying. Now that you read that and I have this knowledge...

The knowledge that we were telling you beforehand, but go on. Sure, but I didn't know that before. And I, of course, did not believe what you said. Now, would you want the storm? If I knew for a ride. For sure. And you got afloating. You're coming to the surface.

We're not talking like hurricane. We're talking the one that George Clooney was in. No, I don't want the perfect storm. The perfect storm? I don't want to. That is a shark. There is no storm greater than the perfect storm. It's literally the perfect.

It's not like a perfect storm. storm. Have you seen that? It's the perfect storm. He's under water. What do you think I brought it up for? And Marky, Mark is like, yo, George, let's swim to safety. He's like, yeah, we're going to do that. And then he slinks back down to the dead. Okay, it's not the perfect storm.

It's an imperfect storm. Okay. Now we're talking. My point is, it's a B minus storm. My point is, if this is weather where I don't have to fight against it to essentially just stay floating on it, then I will choose that. If this is weather where, like, They're crashing.

What's funny is if it's raining in the rainforest. That's better, too. I agree completely there. That's better than the bugs in the creatures. Yeah, the flying things aren't out in the rain. Yeah, they're getting bummed. I mean, can the rain get down to you, though? Yeah.

It'll drip from the canopy. I feel like neither. Being rained on when you're in the ocean is really insult to injury. Yeah. I got enough water down here. I don't need water out there. How about just more water? fill her up

all right well look I'm taking the ocean I'm going to take the ocean I think you survive better in the ocean even if it's scarier Al do we have time for one more or should we move on oh there's so many bugs on the Amazon all right one more have you seen those ants

everything in there has been they got HGH up in that rainforest I mean those ants they ended up in what that Indiana Jones Siafu Papa Josh I knew yeah what is that that's the ants that you don't mess with.

I don't know of these. Can they talk? How do you spell that? See? That sounds like an Egyptian god that's coming to get you. These are S-I-A-F-U. No, that's an Egyptian god. They have wings.

These are ants that, like, legit will take a chunk of your skin. No, they'll take babies. Like, they'll kill a baby? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't take them. They don't lift them up. I don't, I mean, that part, I don't know. They can carry.

I'm just saying like they are terrifying ants that work. And they have like the, I'm creeped out by what I'm seeing on Google. You have the true workers. And those things are like, I don't know, three feet tall. These ants have just lobster claws. They're buff. Mike from. Like they bench like 150?

The website. Yeah. More than I can. Would you rather receive 2K per month and a lump sum in your bank account that you can do whatever you want with? It's not been. 2K a month. Or $150 per day on a visa gift card that expires at midnight.

every day. Oh, that's really interesting. So what's the math? That's actually really good. 40 is 4,500. It's double the money per day. But you can't spend more than $150 ever. That's the big challenge, right? Yeah. I mean, I like the permission to spend.

I like that part of the gift card. Like, if I'm halfway through the day and I got $78 left, I'm like, I got to go spend. I think I'm doing the right thing. I think that. I'm taking the visa. I think I'm going to take the visa because. It's food. Exactly. It's just All this does is I'm going to put that visa on my door dash.

Or my grubhows, postmates, whatever. Whatever lazy dinner I'm doing. And I will order free food every day. And if I only spend $120, I'm fine because I spend $120. That's smart. That one's actually easier than I thought I was going to be. I mean, what's $2,000 a day? I mean, it's less than half that money.

I would rather take $2,000. $68. Basically $66. Yeah. All right, easy one. Let's take a break. Come back with the situation. room.

The situation room. Al, can I ask you a question? Are you here? You're here, right? I'm here. Okay. Sitting right in front of you. It was for the audience. It was a little bit of showmanship. Just play a lot. Oh, my bad. Does it comfort you? Like, does it bring you a lot of, like, existential peace to know that, like, these situations come up.

You don't know how to answer them. Nobody really knows how to answer them. You have the three of us to bring to the show. Like, you can bring these questions up on the show on a regular basis, people's lives are changed. Does that bring you like peace? It does, but I get these questions like weeks in advance. So I'm sitting in that for a long time. Oh my gosh. So they're not, their problems aren't solved yet. No, in my head, this is still a big problem. I have to imagine, though, that you can sleep pretty well at night knowing that solutions are coming. The solutions are coming from like you know they're going to come. You know they're going to be right. That's what gets me through it. Yeah. I mean, did you hear that convoy about dirty butt cheeks? That was that was we are saving lives.

You don't need to worry about dirty. Yeah, your butt cheeks can be as dirty as possible. Do you know how much anxiety people yet? All right. Our first situation comes from DJ on Patreon. A mysterious envelope has arrived on your door. Inside is a key. Oh, fun.

And a note that reads, this key opens one storage unit within a 100 mile radius of your home. 100 miles radius. That's a lot. Inside is something worth between. $10 and $10 million. You may sell the key back to me right now for $5,000 guaranteed. Boom, sold.

Or keep the key in attempt to find the unit. But the unit will be repossessed in 30 days. In 30 days. I don't know if you realize what a hundred mile radius looks like. Hold on, hold on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to help, I'm going to help us get into the situation here because this T only works on one unit.

Yeah, yeah. You got 30 days to try as many units as you want. Yeah. You can find it. I will say this. You can absolutely find this unit. No, you cannot. Oh, yeah, you can. You can. You can. If you've got 30 days where you're taking off work, you don't work anymore. Your job is I go from unit to unit within 100 mile radius. And I just put the key in one. And I just walk down every single aisle. I will bet you there are. Every single aisle. I'm saying there are 500,000 storage units in. So that's that's the question 30 days. Oh, a store. Okay. Okay. You can use whatever resources you have, though. You can outsource. You could pay people out of your...

What are you doing over there? You can't really pay people. But you might lose money on the venture. Can you duplicate the key? That's a good point. Of course you can. You can duplicate the key. Look, I'm going to tell you right now how many storage facilities there are with 100 miles of

here. I didn't even hear storage units. So I was just thinking there's a chest somewhere within a hundred. No, no, no. That's impossible. You should have heard what I said. I'm hearing you now. Okay.

So how many storage units do you think are, within there are on average 465 storage facilities within 100 mile range okay but so that facility has what like how many thousands that's I mean probably a storage facility probably has about 100 to 200 units I'm guessing

no more than that how many can you how many facilities can you cover in one day off you five or six so there is there's a chance 550 units per sir I have my spray pot 550 units per facility.

Get him, but we can spray him. There we go. I'm not saying anymore. Take that laptop. Rotate to the direct spray. I'm not a kitty cat. This one just locked. You are a kitty cat. Oh, I got it. Okay, we're good. Do it again, Jay.

I would. Yeah. He's being sprayed. My glasses and your microphone. 550 units per facility. That might be an expensive spritz. I think you could probably do. Wait, how many?

550 per unit normally. No, that's a lot. That is a lot. I just said 100 to 200 and it went up to 550. You got to live with the answer. Now, the problem is that makes it 255,000 units in a 100 mile radius. So you have to cover as much ground in 100 mile radius. Now, I don't like this whole thing where like the unit could have $10.

That's my issue. Or $10 million. If I spend. Yeah, I'll take the $5,000 if you're not going to promise me treasure. If you told me that there's $10 million in one of this. Yes. I'm absolutely doing that. What if it's a million?

Well, I mean, if I know it's a million, I'm still doing it. What? What is? 10 and 5 grand, right? So, $10 is the low end. $5,000 is the guarantee. Yes. So between the guarantee and the upside.

It's going to be more. It's probably going to be more than the five. Yeah. Probability says. So look. Oh, I'm taking that. I'd like, look, the 5,000. I'll see you guys in a month.

The 5,000. doesn't come with an adventure, brother. I want the adventure. We do need we need more adventures. We don't have enough treasure hunt. I agree. I think we should hide money. If you told me that I think we should hide gold money. Gold money. That's interesting, Andy. Well, I mean, we could find

we could do, we could do this. We could we could literally do this because we have $10. We could say it's between 10 and $10 million. We can do this. We could get put $18. I mean, you get, you're talking. Anywhere between and 10 million. You're talking like the geotrackers. Like the geotrackers is like, ours will be cooler.

Ours will definitely be in a chest. What do you get? Like a pirate. When you, if you're geotracking and you find the thing, what do you get the thing? I don't know. It's like a happy meal toy.

Yeah, you get like skittles. And then you got to leave another now. When you do you get between 10 and 10 million dollars. I mean, that's what it feels like. It's always $10. The guy that's doing this.

If it's, I'm going to give $100. The range. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. this is real. Okay. I'm going to give $100 to Josh. All right.

I'm going to have him hide it in Arizona. Okay. He's going to find it in my pocket. Oh, Josh will find it. Yeah, Josh will be the one to recover it. Oh, dude. It was in my pocket all along. I hit it there and then I washed my pants and boom.

I got you taken care of. You know, I found it. It was on Reddit at the casino. First of all, I'll give you $100. Okay. You can hide it. There's, there's, there's, uh, IG accounts that do this. They literally just hide money in the,

And they're like, go find it. That's not where we're treasure hiders. All right. That's what it is. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to do this for real. I want to hide treasure. I think we should hide treasure.

All right. Now, Al, what would you do of these choices? Is it ruined by the 10 to 10 million? If it was a thousand, no, let's say it was 5,000 to 10 million. So you're locking in the base or you... The base is at least what you got on the... I'm absolutely going for that. Now, I don't know how many you could actually search per day.

I feel like you could search maybe... Maybe 2,000 units. a day. So 2,000 units a day times 30 days. Copying keys. 60,000 out of 250,000. You got a 1 and 5 chance of finding the $10 million. Look, if we...

You can do some sleuth work too, like find out what kind of key it is. If you can copy the key and give it to friends. If you know it only goes to this type of lock, then you can buy... Man, how upsetting it would be if you found $50. Here's the thing. If we are on the other side of this, we're the host side, we're creating this game. I worry about key duplication, key code distribution.

I want to make sure there is only one way to access this that is not duplicatable. I don't know how to do that, but if we could do that... Oh, there's a very easy way. How? There's no key. You just bury it somewhere. Yeah, but the one thing I like about this, like Mike thought originally it was like you have a key to something and you got to find it in a hundred mile radius. That's impossible.

I like the fact that this is doable. This isn't like a $100 million treasure that's hidden out in the middle of the woods or desert somewhere and people have to find it like the documentaries. This is saying anyone can really, like if you want to try, you can get this. I want to do this. I want to hide something and make people have to waste their life on my game. For no reason. And you give them barely anything.

10 to 10 million. Right. It could be $10 million in there. I'm going for the adventure. guys are taking the 5K still oh you're going to be so excited when you find it jesse from it's 50 bucks for sure you are now offered 500 per hour to sit in an empty room and do absolutely nothing no phone no talking no sleeping no standing you sit still in a chair how many hours raw dog and sitting how many hours do you last oh this is just a one time thing i can do that for

i can sit for a long time no it's a one time it's not it's not like you can do this as your job it's Boy, no, you can't. Although that is a good follow-up. What is the situation here with pee and poop? You can pee while you say. Because I think about like... We've established this from the show. Okay. So I have to peeve my pants, poop my pants?

No, you can, no, you can fire into the corner. I can't do that with poop. Look, your chair... Yes, you can't. You might be able to do. I can't fire my poof. They just fall. For the hypothetical, your chair transforms into a toilet for the times you have to pee and poop and then transforms back.

Okay. How long could you go? And how long do you want to go? And does the denomination matter? What's the reward here? It's $500 an hour. Oh, that doesn't matter. Hmm. I mean, you get one shot.

Because the, I've seen the, you know, the $5,000 an hour, Jason. All right. I'm in, baby. The analogies of like telling free tokens for your AI robots. And you're like, oh, you realized you wasted your life doing nothing for money. But one time. One time. I have a would you rather I want to create out of this.

And I have a really good question. Let's call it $1,000 an hour. Thousandals. Easy math. Seems very rewarding. 500 is hard. Go on. Well, that's half as much, man.

You're right. So do the $1,000 hour and we'll cut it in a half. I'm doing 12 hours. And then I'm cutting up. Of nothing? Yeah, I can do 12 hours of nothing. Keep in mind. You can sleep, right?

I mean, you're going to fall asleep. No. Is that in the rules? You can sleep. That's what? No phone, no talk. and no sleeping means. Oh, it wasn't the rules.

Wait. You're sitting. You're raw dogging, sitting, staring. Right, but I'm just saying I'm going to nod off. So as soon as I nod off, it's over. You're done. Oh, well, then that ruins it all. I can't do so long.

My point is, you just meant you could sleep. No, I meant like I could go, like, I think I could go a week. I think I could go. If I could, when I'm tired, sleep. Obviously, I'm not sleeping a week. No, you, no. Stop changing it. No.

Just do the answer. No. You sit in a chair, how long do you're going to go? 12 hours. 12 hours. Here's my side question. Let's say you had this. This is the would you rather that's going to spin off of it, okay?

You have a job eight hours a day. Your job is this? You sit in a chair, you do not sleep. Here is what I was talking about. Here's the real question. You get paid three times the money, and all you do is sit and stare. Okay. The other job, fast food.

Okay. $50,000 a year in fast food money, $150,000 a year and sitting still money. Okay. Which do you actually? Eight hours both times. Eight hours both times. One is literally no phone, no talking, no sleeping, no standing. You show up to work.

You do bring a briefcase to work for no reason. Of course. And you set it down. Either way, I bring one to McDonald's too. You bring one to McDonald's, yeah. Of course. And then you set it down and you go, you sit in the chair, you fold your arms, and you sit.

Yeah. Which job are you taking? I know my answer. So I want to know Mike's answer. I know the job that everybody would. take it's it is more of a how long do you actually last doing that's what i'm really curious about because we always think we want the easy job but then you get into a job and you're like man i want to be busy because i want the hours to go by you're signing a three-year deal

okay okay i like that no i like that i get 450 000 on you're sitting i'm sitting no phone jason i understand i understand i'm a clock in i'm going to do my work your work is eight hours of sitting my raw dog work yeah you won't make it. I'm not, yeah. You won't make it. I'll survive. No, you'll get up, you stand up, you will not make it over to the briefcase. You won't make it a year. Yeah. And it's a hundred and, so you think you could raw dog. No.

Yeah, I do. Eight hours? Absolutely. Did you, uh, Absolutely not. I mean, it's a flight. It's a flight overseas. Every day for every day of your life. It's a, a flight overseas. Okay. Mr. Flight overseas. Yeah. What'd you do on the flight? What'd you doing your flight? Peed. No, honestly, this is not a joke.

on my flights. I go to the bathroom. Every flight. No, no joke. I usually, I'm not doing this on purpose to be anything special. I almost always.

You don't just sit there and not sleep. I'm telling you. I've been on a flight. I've been on two hour flights with you. With the long ones, with the long ones when I'm by myself. You, I'm telling you,

I just did this. I just did this. All the flights that you know, all the flights you don't. Seamiel. I did an 11-hour and a 12-hour flight like two weeks ago. And both times I watched one movie. So that was like a two-hour version of the flight.

Both flights each flight. The other time I turned on the flight monitor where you could see where you are. You sat there? It just sat there. And you definitely had moments of sleep. I did not off. Yes. But I can't just sleep.

I need a CPAP. I can't just like. There's something I love about that. Nope. I don't know if I buy it. Yeah, Jeremy, I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it either, brother. That don't pass the sniff test.

It just happened. It would be amazing if what just happened, though, legitimately. Like, Jason, that's how he remembers it, but the knot off was like eight hours. That would be amazing. Like, you raw dogged five minutes into the sleep, five minutes out of the sleep and landed. And he's like, man, I was amazing. I just raw dog that whole thing. That was so, yeah, it was easiest fun of my life.

I do think that. I do think that something genuinely, to say something meaningful, I think it's something genuinely good for people to do. And I don't mean doing a flight. I mean like you drive to work, don't turn the music on one day. Spend one day where it's dead silent in the car. I do think it's valuable to be alone with your thoughts.

Of course for like 15 minutes. Well, sure. Your time may change depending on your your aptitude. But yeah, we're not good at that anymore. You used to have to go. You weren't good at that. No, they weren't. Yes, they were.

You could go to a doctor's office and sit in the waiting room and do nothing. now you have to be on your phone no I can do it I can go to a doctor's office but you didn't bother you back then oh you bull crap it bothered you because what else could you have been doing I remember being a kid in the doctor's office

and you're like this is bull crap well a kid I understand Jesse from Patreon you're offering $500 oh wait we did that one Jordan from the website the three of you must compete in a team triathlon but it's a dad skills competition parallel parking

I'm out in a very tight spot I'm out. Oh, it's a triathlon. Yeah, we're all going to do different things. Yeah, I know I'm out, guys. Assembling an IKEA bunk bed with multiple drawers and storage nooks. That's Andy. And packing a barely possible amount of luggage into an SUV. Okay, that's Mike. I'm doing the... All events are timed...

We're great. Which one of you is competing in which event? I'll do the parallel parking. I can do that no problem. I think Jason's fine with that. I cannot do the parking. You can... You want me to do the IKEA? I can follow an IKEA. You can load the luggage.

I can do either the bunk bed or the luggage. Okay. No, Andy's doing the bunk bed. I trust him. That's understandable. Hold on. You're Tetris, bro. Did they, do they want the drawers to work?

Yeah, but at the end, it's not what the instructions say. It's what it's supposed to be. That's the rule. It does say all events are timed and rated on skill execution. So you do have to do that properly. Mike, you can Tetris a car. The problem with Tetrising the car that I have is, honestly, is the patience and of like, I just want this over with.

Let's go. That's good enough. That's good for our time. But if I... I want you impatient. But if I have to truly make it work, I can make it work. Yeah. No, you're going to crush at that.

I have no fears about parallel parking. You're definitely doing the parallel parking. In a very tight spot. No issues. Yeah. I'm the one that drives when we go to lunch. And you guys always think I'm going to hit things. Yeah, no, you got it.

You got it. Yeah. That's no problem. And, Andy... Steer by wire. You would be... If I were to have anything built... and Jeremy was not available.

You would be first to call. I can follow instructions. Jeremy's more naturally gifted. Jeremy does not. I would imagine if you guys both opened an IKEA box, you would approach it very differently. Jeremy, do you look at the instructions? I can tell you.

Let me answer for Jeremy. He's going to open it. He's going to take the instructions up first. He's going to look through it and rifle through the pages. He doesn't make any sense. No, he's going to, I'm telling you, it's like. Don't memorize it? He was, he's just getting an overview.

He's glancing at the images. He's looking at what, like, kind of happens. Is there anything that's going to catch me off guard? I build this part first. I have an overview too. I know what it's supposed to look like. Burns it. Then he just lights it on fire and throws it in a corner and gets to work like a man.

You had it nailed except for the last part. I close it and I use the reference photo on the front of the instruction manual to go, oh, that goes on this side of it, whatever. You use, you're confident instincts that you can actually build IKEA. we are like all people and we're like, I can't do this. Oh, I could build it. It's just how much see you in a couple days.

How many times does it take? One, what does it look like at the end? Right. Do you want the paint side out or in? That's always the issue. I thought I was doing paint side out. If I get one chance, there is a hundred percent chance that one of your pieces will be paint side in.

Furniture is the most like moment where there's a, but there's a split second when you mess up where you go, I wish there was a control Zita. You know what is... If you wish it was digital and you could undo? You know what's not talked about enough with the paint paint side out? Is the instructions where it's just the guy going hum? No.

When I open a drawer. When I open a drawer. Right, right. How nice is it when the inside of that drawer is painted? Okay, yeah, you complain about the outside not being painted, but when I open my drawers, they're really nice inside. You're like, the

top portion of the drawer remains the fake wood. Yeah. It's not covered. All right. We're taking a break. We're going to draft. I might have hit two buttons.

Might have hit two buttons at once. Might have hit two buttons and once. You were just speaking for the people. They're like ads. Might have sounded like this. The spitballers draft. But the people love the draft. They don't want the ad break.

but you get that this is how you get a free podcast is with the ad break lord of the flies lord of the flies goodness gracious for number one oh that's oh we are drafting oh yeah yeah yeah yeah movie title that best describes parenting for sure you're going to take it's a wonderful life we are lord of the fly tv or movie movie oh they did make a movie yeah they do they do they do um tv or movie title that best describes parenting they have a book yeah that's what we thought yeah um i'm gonna go lord of the place is nerds The nice thing is for those at home that don't know us very well, all three of us have three kids.

We both have two boys and a girl, different ages. We all went through, like when we started the podcast, they were all at prime. They were wee babbies. Yeah, the prime age of all of these titles. And so Lord of the Flies. That's pretty good. I don't know if that was your one-on-one.

Can I guess your 101? Do you want me? Life is beautiful. How did you know? How did you know? The parent trap. Ah. The parent-trap.

Because you know what? It's a trap and no one tells you it's a trap. Your life is ruined and it's gone. You thought you were a human being? No, your dad. Mike is doing his part to keep population levels low. Look inside. Everything that makes you, you is gone.

That doesn't exist anymore. You are just a parental unit. You are just an Uber driver and a chef. This is all you do. I mean, I've felt that way sometimes. for sure. Jason, there is that part of it. Lord of the Flies, the parent trap, and you've got two picks.

Oh, man. There's so many ways I can go because there are the bad times, but there are the beautiful times. And I don't know exactly. There are cliche bad things. Yeah, there's cliche bad times. There's wonderful parts. It's a big picture.

And I think with my family, we always have a gaggle of people. Like kids, it's not just what they don't tell you is like, It's not just now my family is five. Now my family is 500. Yeah. Now it's teenagers and parties. Mine in particular. So my number one pick is we bought a zoo.

Okay. Parenting in my house is we bought a zoo. Was that a movie? The Matt Damon classic? Oh, I remember that. We bought a zoo. Dude, dozens of people saw that movie. Yeah.

Okay, that's really funny. But everyone who's a parent can relate, especially if you're on my side. where you're hosting every event, every party, every every every day. I did not get a family. I got a zoo. When you go home today, will it just be your family? No. No, right now I already know my kids had a half day.

There's friends over right now. Yeah, see, his house is permanent. It doesn't happen. It's like a hotel. Yeah. It's a series of, you've got to figure. You got to have them. You got to make money on this.

He's one of the unique cases where, like, buying a big house is like pretty much a necessity. Yeah. He's got to host a bunch of these people. Um. you know, I'm just going to, I'm going to keep it kind of rolling with that. That theme right now, that's kind of what I'm feeling. And I'm sure knowing you, Andy, knowing the Holloways, your home is picked up.

Your own, your home is organized. Your home is even when the kids are being those rapscallions. those rascals. Oh, they left a rapper out. A rapper. No. Not in my house. No, Monsters Inc. over in my place, baby. They are disgusting slob monsters that you love. Yeah. Yeah. That's just who they are. Yeah. But no, no, no. Monsters Inc. faux show. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. We bought a zoo Monsters Inc. for Jason. Mike, you have the parent trap so far. What's the next book? So we also include television shows. Yes, we do. Survivor. I'm actually sad you took it away from me. That's so good. It was on the list. Because it's a trap that you have to survive. There's no life.

Luckily Mike has, I mean, none of his family will listen to this. I'll never know. See, my family listens. I got to be careful with what I say. Oh, my God. Because airing out all the laundry. Having kids is one thing. Having neurodivergent kids, that's a whole other thing, brother.

It's, you got to survive. one day at a time. Survivor. You're eating bugs. This is so well time because I had... So you live in the rainforest. He does. It's well...

Give me the ocean! It's well time because the last three days my wife has been out of town and I've had to be Mr. Mom. And I am... Are you going, Mr. Mom? So dumb. Michael Keaton.

I'm so dumb. I don't know all the things I don't know until she leaves. And then I'm like, I know nothing. I don't know where I packed the lunch. I don't know what they like in their lunch. lunch. I don't know what things they need to take to school. I don't know the drop off

line when I get to school. I don't know the pickup times. I don't know. I don't know the pickup times. I don't know any of it. I'm the dumbest. Oh man. I wish. And so I, heavy as the head. She just got, she just got home and I'm really, I'm really thankful for that. But let me, let me go with how I can think about my kids growing up. I'm going to go with my next pick after Lord of the Flies, despite Jason's opinion of how clean our houses, that is not without work. I'm going everything everywhere all at once. Oh, yeah. Everything everywhere all at once. It's garbage. If you just, that was also drafted in the movie titles to describe a trip to the bathroom. Ah, yes. Which is fair. If you, if you, if you stay home with your kids, you can go from one room to the

next room and it is a never next cycle. The next one, I will go with what I'm calling, the other thing that just catches up to you when you are, especially when you're single parenting at home. I'm calling it the Hunger Games. Oh, that's my next one. That's a good one. That's all food is all that matter.

You just go from food to food to food. That was my next pick. Great pick. They love food. They just, by the time you finish cleaning breakfast stuff, dad wins lunch. You finished lunch. Hey, is it dinner yet?

Where's my snack? You didn't get the thing I like? That's the wrong kind of bread. I don't like that kind of cheese. Shut up. Stupid kids. All right. Just kidding.

Lord of the Flies, everything, everything, everything, everything everywhere all at once. And the hunger games, Mike, it's back to you. All right, I got the parent trap. I've got Survivor. And I got the never-ending story because it never stops happening. It's just bad all the time. Do you like your... It's just, I love my children.

It's terrible all the time. They don't stop complaining. They don't stop fighting. They don't stop letting me go to sleep. Oh, leave me alone. Oh, my gosh. Mike is working the never-ending story.

Mike is working things out right here right now. I know his next pick. It's a Tom Cruise classic. Yes. About a mission, Mike. Jason, two picks to you, your final two. You have we bought a zoo and Monsters Inc, which is great. All right.

uh look i'm gonna start just with you know my kids they know this they know this um if i if i do something for them which is every moment you know i was like who did that for you right they know the answer i have trained

the answer what do you think the answer is i don't know what's the question the question is just who did that why did this happen for you i did why did it it's super dead Superdead is always my answer. That's who I am to my kids. No, no, that's not it. Oh.

But because of that, Daddy Daycare, Daddy Daycare is what I'm picking here. I'm in charge. I'm running stuff. I'm signing them up for school. I'm taking them here and there. Daddy Daycare, that is, that describes my parenting. I am just simply a principal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what? I'm a headmaster. Oh, my goodness. Such a cooler title. You're Dumbledore. Are you trunch bull? No, come on, man. I'm Dumbledore.

Thank you, Ann. Yeah. So, Daddy Daycare. Daddy day care. I don't know if you know what happens. We're working through some real stuff on the show today. I, what is the difference?

It involves a ledge. Headmaster and principal in my, what's the difference? So this is my country of origin. That's exactly what I was going to say. Amount of money you pay the school per year. The exact same role, one is in England? Do you go to college or you go to university?

No, there's headmasters all over here. Really? All my kids' schools have headmaster, not principal. What? That's way better. Yeah. I wouldn't. They go to charter preparatory academies.

I would never. Do you have to call them headmaster? Yes, they're headmaster. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And they have wizarding powers. What? Absolutely not.

I will never call someone headmaster. Like you would if you were a part of this. I will never be a part of it. Jason, one more pick. Oh, man. Are you going to find the give in and just say it's a wonderful life? That is one of my, that's, I'm really looking at it. That might be needed based on Mike and counterbalancing him.

I think I'm going to do it. I think you might need to. I'm going to take it to a wonderful life. Yeah. In a couple of years, I don't know if this is true for you, Mike. I assume now. Oh, when my kids are gone, my life is going to be great. Yeah, but I said a couple years.

In a couple years, my kids are going to be gone. Mine will not. That's what I'm saying. I know that in a couple. That's where the never-ending story comes from. My oldest are twins. They're the same age and they're both going not just to college, out of state to college. Like, that's a guarantee for them.

So I'm going to say. I'm going to need to tell me what it's like. Yeah. I want to hear all about it. So I don't- You're going to vicariously live for him leaving his kids. I think. What do this morning?

Nothing? Oh my God. That sounds awesome. This title is what I currently. What a wonderful life. It's a wonderful life. That is what I'm currently giving the period of time several years from now when they are gone. All right.

But several years from now, I will probably look back and say that's what this period was when I had them. All right, Mike, finish this off with, I got the, what do we got? The parent travel, got Survivor, Neverending Story. Yeah, give them some hope. It's a problem, child. They're all a problem. All three of them are the worst. They're ruining my life.

They're siphoning my life force, guys. My beard is so gray. I'm dying. Nice. My joints are falling apart. From them. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Not the birthdays. Look. All my resources are gone. I'm going to bring some balance with my final pick here, guys. The purge. A series of unfortunate events. That's right.

Apocalypse now. Sounds like Groundhog Day for Mike as well. Trig and Rick. Um, my final pick will be the balance. It's the good, the bad, and the ugly. Uh, yeah. The good, the bad and the ugly. That is.

probably the most true. That's the truest answer. You get all of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Lots of good. There's lots of bad. There's lots of ugly. There's lots of good. I'm going to finish there, but. Aliens. I did have quiet place because I was like, that is the dream and fantasy for every parent. Um, I have to help a lot with the school. And so I have, are you smarter than a fifth grader? Sure. Because often I find out no. I'm not. My question. Quiet time is gone in 60 seconds. I thought about sleepless in Seattle. Okay. But that's good. But that's for like early parenting when you lose sleep. Lost? Because that's the truth.

Lost is on my boy. When you're a parent, that's a great answer. You're like, I don't know what I'm doing. I was never a parent until right now. No, that's good. And Mission Impossible was on there. Groundhog Day was on there. Apocalypse now.

Inside out. Yeah. All right. Well, that'll do it for today's show. Oh, there it is. What did we learn today? I learned it. You know, Mike, Mike, Mike.

Save me. Mike needs some help, brother. Save me. I learned that I would like to do dozens of contests that are worth between $10 and $10 million. I will, I will decide how much, but I'm going to foot the bill. Yeah, no. And every contest, every contest is going to be between $10 and $10. million dollars. Okay. I learned it doesn't matter how dirty your butt cheeks are. That's true.

That's actually the big takeaway today. Doesn't matter. Yeah, if you got dirty butt cheeks, no one cares. Yeah. All that bacteria is just going back to more. Dirty cake. Goodbye everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com. Thank you.