Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Tailgater Haters & The Best Tools - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 13, 2025

Spit Hit for March 13th, 2025:Today’s show really plays into our strengths. Spelling words and power tools. Listen in and absorb the expertise. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Yeah, baby. We're here. I just wish he knew how to land the dang plane. If it was a real plane I would know how to land it. I know, but because it's not, because it's a real plane, I would know how to land it. I know but because it's not because as a scat you just You struggle at the end man. I mean I'm coming down hard and fast and so it's like I see the runway But I'm also afraid so then I close my eyes and I say that's how pilots work best Yes, they they they go. I am gonna land over there close your eyes and.

It feels like the pilot is deciding, right when he's landing, he's got the landing gear down, everything's going right, he's like, I'm not doing enough, and he just starts smashing buttons. Yeah, you go, oh shoot! We need more, we need to do more. They have a lot of buttons, guys. Release the masks.

There's no possible way that pilots use all those buttons in a plane, right? No, it's to look important. There's no way that at least half of those buttons do nothing. They just make sounds like a kid's toy. Haruga. Beep boop beep boop. They light up and stuff, they're fun. There you go. There can't be that many things. No, it's impossible to think that a human being is supposed to be like oh

That one 72nd over and 34th from the top. I need to push that one right now Maybe they're buttons from a day gone by like previous planes had a lot more buttons We've automated stuff, but we just kept the same layout back yeah that could be how about an LCD screen with a menu where you go we need a test airplane man yeah you won't get on it all right welcome into this pit ballers Al judge Giamatti both in the today, would you rather highway to spell, and we are drafting the best tools. If you need a list of the best tools. We've got it.

You cannot have come to three manlier men. Yes. The just high T using tools on the reg. I'm thinking about all of my favorite tools for today's draft. And how I use them so much. My list, so robust. Home advisor does not count.

Yeah, I- You don't get to select the home advisor app as a tool. What about thumbtack? Yeah, good question, good question. Are these tools? That is a pretty good tool for me The checkbook is not a tool. You're allowed to draft But no, we'll have a bunch of shrink bunch of

Manly picks here at spitballers pod on Twitter Instagram comm slash spitballers pod The community of spit wads is that join the spit.com if you want to check that out. Oh, let's get it going. Would you rather Chris from Patreon writes in says you're driving long distance on a one lane road. Would you rather be aggressively tailgated the entire drive no matter what speed you go, or be stuck behind a car going five to 10 miles an hour below the speed limit the entire time?

Both of these situations are nightmares. Not good. And I just went through both of them. Oh. Because our family has a cabin up north and it's on a seven mile road off of the main freeway and it's one you're not really supposed to pass on this road. Now you can it's pretty windy so there's like a you know how you have the the single line right and it has to go to it has to go to dash lines to give you permission. And you've got like that 200 foot window.

It's so small. Like this road on seven miles, there's like a 200 foot spot of passing. So, and even there, it seems a little. Oh, you hold your breath. It's a little sus. And you've got it and you go, I hope we live, but I have to go around this car.

I have no choice. I'm willing to gamble my life. And the life of my family because this is too slow So we've I was just gonna say like I've been on both sides of this and I was just behind an Amazon van and The van was going very Vanly slow. I mean they're probably on this single-lane yeah mountain road yeah in their larger truck. Very reasonable. Okay we can't blame the Amazon driver. I'm not mad at that but what I'm gonna say is that

eventually the Amazon driver grew dare I say annoyed by my presence behind him. Oh you were the tailgater. So I thought I was being reasonable, but I was just apparently. Were you following the two second rule? I just think if you're. No, he was not following the two second rule. I'm like, OK, then I'm with the Amazon driver. What's the two second rule?

The two second rule is. It should take me two seconds to get to them? No, no, no. When you look at a driver and look as they pass like something, just like a landmark, like a light post, it should take you about... That's a rule? It should take you two seconds to pass by the next landmark. Al is also nodding at that. Yeah, I'm very familiar with that. Now, is the two-second rule... We learned that in driving school. I didn't attend. That's what I was just going to say. I remember that from the handbook. The two second rule. Is it applicable when the other party is not going the speed limit?

Is it still applicable? When it is a one lane mountain pass, I would say yeah, you gotta figure it out. So what happened was he just ended up... he just ended up basically stopping in the middle of the road. Oh, he gave you one of those! And then he put the hand out the window and he just went and he waved me by, which I thought was a courteous thing, right? Yeah. But oh, when I got parallel parallel to him, he went from waving his hand to throwing his hand up like I had annoyed him.

Like, come on, like, come on, like you this guy, I've got to let him go by. You were supposed to reject the offer to pass. No, he just wanted me to be gone and then express his frustration. His opportunity to, it was his last chance to let you know how that had annoyed him. Yeah. But otherwise think of the alternative here. Seven miles of going slow behind this. No, you won. You won this interaction. I mean, clearly. Seven entire miles.

Do you know? That's a good run. Seven miles is a good run on a mountain pass. Honestly, over the course of seven miles, if you're going, let's call it, he's going five under, you would've gone 10 over. 15 miles. Oh, this guy was 10 under. So let's just say you you're you

Intend to drive 15 miles per hour Faster than he was driving that's that's seven miles. So how long is that? I don't know Well, that's more of a question for the candy kids. I don't want to long would that save you kids following along at home Do the math in your head. Which it's it's like if you're if you're at a 15 mile difference I guess it would be at least a couple minutes. We'll figure it out. It would it would not be life altering substantial.

But I will jump in and say tailgaters are scum of the earth. These people are horrific and it's so frustrating. Do you pull over at first chance? It depends on the mood. Sometimes these people will get the brakes and I will then slow down. And it's the absolute worst is like when you're on a congested freeway and it's where do you want me to go? Look in front of me. You can see a few car lengths in front of me. You can see that there are multiple vehicles in front of me. Should you, should I be going slightly faster?

You would not be going faster. You, you like, you can't go around all of us. You are stuck. We're all going this pace. So that's where I lose my mind is the people. And then they aggressively pass you and they get in front of you and you're like, okay, now you are in front of me. You have not improved your situation by mere moments. If you would just chill out, we're all driving, we're all trying to be safe, we're all trying to get where we're going. As tailgaters are human garbage, human garbage.

I got an answer for you here if you want to. I do too. I have been feverishly looking. If you're going seven miles and you're going 55 verse 70, so the 15 mile an hour difference, you would save a minute and 38 seconds. That's that's terrible math by you because you're using a ridiculously high rate of speed. How fast are you going?

I you should be comparing like 30 and 45. Oh, so you would save even less time. No, I would save more, right? It seems like more because it's a higher percentage of the total. I don't know. Fourteen minutes versus nine minutes and twenty seconds. So yes, you would save four and a half minutes. I just did. I just did this. OK, yeah, four and a half minutes. OK, so so four and a half minutes. I get it. It's super. It's a 15 minute drive normally. So you're going to add 33 percent to my drive. Incredibly frustrating. But that's that is the math that that tailgaters need to hear. Four minutes, dude, you're

wrong minutes of your life. You are wrong. Because that math just convinced me it's worth it. 100% worth it. When this was 90 seconds. I was like, dude, 90 seconds not worth it. Four and a half minutes. To answer the question. I'm riding. I'm riding right on you to answer the question I think Generally what I've done in that situation because I've been on this road a million times where People don't if you're not on the road, and you don't know the road You're gonna go slower and I I get it because it's more nerve-racking. It's it if you're the tailgater

No, I said it like that. Yeah, you're that person, I can make up my mind, I'm just going to live with it and it's fine and I make my peace. If you're being tailgated, you never have peace. No, never. You see the rear view mirror and you see that car and it is a bucket of stress for the entire seven miles. So I will be the tailgater because I will make peace. I will get there quicker.

So they're going to be right up on me and I will drive as fast as I want make peace. I will get there quicker. So they're gonna be right up on me and I will drive as fast as I want. Okay. Because I'm gonna get there. I mean you said you've driven this road a lot and you know Mike's talking about the time and this is what people need to hear. It's one way there, one way back. That's right. You've been there a hundred times a hundred times two is 200 times four and a half minutes. Oh life My life is more is richer and more full because of my speeding Yeah, I mean a hundred children do not speak a hundred drives a year. Yeah saving about five minutes a drive 500 minutes

Yeah, you know that's like eight hours. That's a whole day. You just got a workday back Yeah, that is true except for the one where you careen off the mountain meh or that's true Or you tailgate the wrong person every man dies Not everybody really lives the while while I will you know, I'm sure most of us we've done the break check I'll just slow down like I'll keep slowing down if there's this the game You've done that. Oh, yeah, like if I've done it if someone catches me on the wrong day Oh like fine. This is what we're doing now and we are all going I'm afraid to do that because I think they might rear in me

I don't think they're gonna rear end you but I worry more that like they're gonna road rage Yes, the next light that is definitely that's why I don't usually do it It's just if I'm on the wrong day if you catch Mike on the wrong the the most absurd thing that they're gonna road rage you at the next light. That is definitely, that's why I don't usually do it. It's just if I'm on the wrong day, if you catch Mike on the wrong. The most absurd thing is like- You gotta at least go the speed limit though. Oh yeah, I will go speed limit or five over.

You are giving a great example where there's understanding. A winding single lane, two lane road, but when you're on a multiple, you're on the freeway and someone's tailgating you and you're like, dude, just go around me. Exactly. There are other lanes and then they're like proven a point. Yes. That is the scum of the earth. That person, that person, is the human dumpster. Human dumpster. One thing I didn't learn in my driving class as well was apparently nobody taught me at a young age

kind of the rules of the left lane. Oh yeah, listen up people. My first ever real experience on a freeway, I was real slow in the left lane. And I didn't understand why about 25 people came blaring by me in the right lane until later. Now I was like, oh, I was breaking a rule of the road, the unwritten rule of the road.

How does that rule translate over to HOV? Like, because the HOV, the carpool lane is always the farthest left. Now is that supposed to be like the super duper fast lane? You're required to go at least as fast as the left lane. Yeah I think there's a little bit of there's a little bit of grace there because because you you are special you have multiple people. Really? You have an EV.

Really? Yeah. I think we have a this is where we divert. I think you have a speed responsibility there. Yeah I mean you can't go you're not going under you know you got you gotta go at least as fast as the furthest left lane That's that's my rule now you think I mean I know I will be you're carrying more weight No, see that the way I look at it Al agrees with me completely is you go just slightly slower than the left lane.

Because then, should the po-po arrive, I feel like that person's going faster. They're the one who need to be pulled over for the ticket. I'm sure that's definitely how it works. I am so happy when I see someone really speeding. You know what I mean? Because I'm like, oh, I can go faster. I am not the one they are after.

So for this stretch of road, if that guy's hauling, I'm like, let's giddy up. Let's go. I get pulled over. You ever position yourself in a lane strictly out of the least convenient to pull you over? 100%. All of my driving is focused primarily

on don't get pulled over, secondarily on safety. Good, good kids. That's probably true. We're learning a lot. Next question, would you rather live in a world where magic is real, but technology does not exist, or live in a world where technology is advanced but magic doesn't exist?

So is that today? I think it's our future. But it could be right now. It's always the future. Yeah, I mean, technology's pretty advanced. Also, if technology's not real but magic is real. I know, it breaks down, this question breaks down. It's the same thing.

You just make technology with your magic. Right now, if you just show anyone from 30 years ago, just 30. Oh, I know where you're going. Go back 30 years and show them our tech, and they're like, you're a dark wizard. How do you have these powers? Yeah. So technology and magic are essentially, there's a lot of similarities. If you can't understand how it works, it becomes magic, right?

Exactly. Here's the thing. Technology is ruled by science magic ain't you know what I mean like I want teleportation to exist you know there's there's some limitations with science I think maybe they'll get there you know quantum entanglement but we're here again but probably won't happen magic heck yeah I just operated way there. I don't need to follow the rules of science. I am a wizard! You have to follow the rules of magic though. Yeah.

I mean like I feel like magic right now is following the rules of science. Because that's undiscovered science. Because that's how you dupe people. Like I'm using like a Copperfield. When you know back in the day when Copperfield would make giant things disappear, he's using science, because he's using mirrors and he's using reflective light. Yes, but he doesn't actually have magic. Yeah, he doesn't have the power of a wizard.

He's not really a wizard. I know, I know, but my point is they're the same thing. Here's, I'm gonna turn this question for a second, because I just brought this up with a friend, and want to know your thought on this. It blew my mind because it's so true. Let's say today you're transported from this planet, the three of us, to a new planet somewhere else with the civilization but they don't have the technology that we have. If you show up there, you're gonna be able to tell them about airplanes and computers and cell phones.

And you will sound like a lunatic. And you will not be able to build them. No, not at all. And you will not be able to describe to somebody else how you even start building them. Yeah, you just gotta believe me, just believe me. There's a watch on my wrist. Oh, prove it.

I really can't prove it. I might draw you a picture of what the outside of it looks like. Can you imagine knowing that and not being able to translate it? That would be frustrating. I mean, at that point, you aren't bringing any science. You are a novelist.

You are, at this point- Jules Verne of the new you're a writer that's your only gift that you're bringing to this world is storytelling because you have an imagination that they don't have but just based on fact I mean you basically sound like a lunatic yes you are a lunatic yes even though those things totally exist you just literally I imagine in that world one of us we finally sit down we go all right I got my piece of paper

I'm gonna. I'm gonna try to put down everything. I know about a plane and how it works Yeah, you're just you're on the side of the street shouting at people. Yeah, we could fly Seen it what could we do like that like what I'm trying to think like okay I want that would have someone no no no I want to help advance. I could build a wheel I want to help advance. I could build a wheel if they didn't have a wheel. Yeah, that's fair. No, a wheel's a great invention. But like technology-wise, like for instance, the only thing my mind can even remotely consider

thinking of, I still don't know anything about, which is I put a key on a kite, and I fly it up and say... That's just like proving electricity? Proving electricity. That's like the first step. I could do the can, put the string on the can. And do the talking through that? And then put the string on another can.

Ooh, telephone, yeah, very nice. I mean, I don't think I could make a hose. If this place, if they didn't have hoses and I'd be like I could show you Gotta get water from here to there. I don't think I could fabricate a hose The problem is we can't add the technology, but because we're used to technology We also can't add the physical I couldn't build a kite I'd be like I look if someone can build me a kind of can show you something really cool to storm But I can't do that.

Man. We would be worthless. Yes, we would. This is where I'm saying the only thing we provide Is a book. Is a story. Once upon a time. I am an author now.

Oh my gosh. Yeah, I guess my final vote would be magic because I certainly, Oh yeah. I feel like it just gives you carte blanche. For sure. It's magic all the way. Would you rather have the ability to control fire, but you always feel hot and uncomfortable?

24 seven. 24 seven? Well that sucks. Or have the ability to control water, but your clothes are always soaking wet 24 seven. Now, we've got to set a ground rule here. I assume you can't gain green. Because if your clothes are always wet 24 seven,

you're gonna die from that. Yeah, yeah. And you're also not gonna like get super dehydrated and sweat out with the uncogable. Aquaman is not, he will not get moldy. Or wrinkly, right? You get your wrinkle free? No, you get wrinkles. Also, I'm pretty sure there's at least 12 hours out of the day where Jason is not wearing clothes.

Yeah, that's true. There might be 12 hours of the day he's soaking wet. I mean, I usually have my undies on. But if you- Usually? No, always. Well, I mean, I shower, you know? Okay.

So it is usually. Do you ever, because you- No, I don't ever just walk around the home all alone. But that's not, there's so much wrong with this. But what I was saying is you always make the joke, you talk about how you get home and then you strip. That's not a joke, but yes, go on. I talk about my process.

I tell you, that's my process. But what I'm saying is that- This is my process over results. Go home and you strip down. Do you ever make a mistake? Because you- Oh, go too far. Go too far and then give and say, well, that's a lot of work to put that back on.

Oh, the problem is I've got a lot of shorts now with the built-in undies. So there's no... Oh. You know what I mean? It's like, oh man, now I've got to wear shorts. Or... Oh no. No, I keep those on. Okay. Hot and uncomfortable control. What's the benefit to controlling fire versus water? In terms of what makes them better? You're far more dangerous with fire. Far more dangerous. Are you though? Yes. Okay, I'm just trying to think. If you flood anything, it's over. Yeah, water could be extremely powerful and dangerous, but if you have fire, I mean, I think, I assume if you're controlling fire

You also have like this is human torch versus Aquaman here essentially Oh, I guess Aquaman doesn't technically control water. I don't think does he I never saw him He just swims in it right he talks to animals. Oh But if you can like I think fire I might be Aquaman if you had skills if you have unlimited fire Wouldn't you always beat water? Cuz no, I don't think so unlimited water beats fire. Yeah, that's the way it goes Yeah, water is gonna put out fire fire can't catch water on fire. No, but it turns it to steam I

Mean at the worst they neutral up, but I think there's a lot more value to water than fire. Fire is destructive. Water can bring life. There's a drought in this city. Hey, don't worry about it. I bring the rain. Hey, it's hot on this summer day.

You guys want some squirt guns from my fingers? You can have fun with that. That is an ultimate party trick. Yeah. What am I gonna do with fire other than like, get me a candle. But don't bring me a lighter. Check this out. I mean, I feel like the fire one is legit just about power. The fire one is about you're not going to be defeated by anybody. This is good versus evil. So water's good? Oh, water brings life. I mean, in the X-Men movies, you have Pyro.

He becomes a bad guy. And then you have Iceman. Would you go around just filling up the drought lakes and stuff like that? Oh, for sure. And glasses of water. I would be a great waiter. You know what I mean?

You would just be a waiter? Oh, yeah. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Someone's glass that's empty. It's like, no, it isn't. Oh yeah. So someone's glass that's empty. It's like no it isn't. Check again. Oh yeah. How do you do that. Tip me and I'll tell you. I'll be doing the same thing but I'll be cooking the food at the table with the fire. Tip me and I'll tell you. OK here's your big tip. How do you do it. I have magic water. Yes. They're snatching their money back from you. Are you kidding me? They're giving me more they're going whoa you that wasn't a big enough tip They're gonna say why are you a waiter sir because I could do this

Secret identity yes That is the secret identity and then at night at night you fight fires Yes, you're the ultimate firefighter. Fight fires and kill wakes. I like how you went to a, you're a waiter and you didn't become a firefighter with your powers. Yeah, I mean, people are thirsty. People are thirsty. And I think we're thirsty for some misery.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Highway to Spell. I was really hoping we could just keep asking these questions for the, till the end of the show? I guess if you were transported to that new planet that doesn't have the technology and they also don't spell well, you also might not be able to help them. That is true, but they can't tell me that I spelled these words wrong. This is, uh, Al, I know we are very, uh, I don't know, intelligent and such, but what grade are we starting at? Fifth grade. All right.

And does Jason begin because he's the scatter of the day? No, we do Andy Mike Jason here. Yep. Okay. Yep. And you were last time's winner. So. Okay.

All right. Oh, all right. And your fifth grade level word is? Consonant. I... what? Consonant. Oh. Oh, this is not right.

I'm glad I didn't get that one! I am glad I didn't... Is that a consonant? Say it, Al. Consonant. And that's like instead of a vowel? Correct. Okay.

Oh, man. I don't think... I don't... Fifth grade? You lie. I think I'm done. I think I'm done. I wrote down something that you could read and get the word consonant out of, but I don't think it's right. I mean, I've got 50 variations. I feel real good about the start. If I got the first three letters wrong consonant, I can tell you, I don't think I've ever written this word down in my entire life yeah even when you're learning about vowels and consonants you don't write down the word now are you learn when you are learning at a young

age are you learning vowels and consonants are you learning vowels and consonants I have no idea the difference of a consonants or consonants? Which one are you learning out? Can I hear that again? Consonant. Oh, man I'm doomed but I'm gonna take my shot. I mean I'm out. All right, see you in San an te or me naive not t ant Now let me do your one letter off you were very close so that I was going to say I have two differences. You were one letter off, you were very close. C-O-N-S-A-N-A-N-T. So is it E-N-T? Nope. It's E-N-S-O-N-A-N-T. So that was my second one I wrote down. I got it. So it is a consonant, not a consonant.

Yes, correct. Mike and I clearly got it right. I didn't have that in any of my options I only wrote one option and I got it wrong in two different places. That's not a fifth grade level word I don't make the list. If you had done vowel I could have gotten it two L's You're not officially out yet. Yeah, that's true. You're not out I feel like there's no way fifth grade is dishing up another consonant. All right, Mike, here's your fifth grade level word. Errand. That's ridiculous. That's utterly ridiculous. I think I know that. Oh, this is come on. It's a silly word. Hopefully you can get it wrong. This is so easy. Go for

it. I hate you. I feel I don't know if you're telling the truth or if you're lying to me. No, this is... Errand. E-R-R-A-N-D. That is correct. Ah, like a fifth grade word. Go on. I don't know. That's a sneaky word. Alright, I hate this game. Alright. Not as sneaky as consonant. You know what's great, Mike, is if I get this word wrong, we're done with this segment.

That's true. This is the best thing I could ever do is get this wrong. And the odds are...decent. Yeah, pretty high. D-E-S- could ever do is get this wrong. And the odds are decent. Yeah, pretty high. D-E-S-Z-D-N-T, decent. These words are fully randomized, but this one is right up your alley.

I think you'll be all right. Okay. But. Here's your fifth grade level word, B-U-T-T. Delicious. Oh. I don't think that's a guarantee. Uh-oh. I feel decently confident with this one.

D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S. Oh yeah, delicious. I feel like you're giving me. Andy, you are now officially out. I feel like you'd give him a mug. I wonder if these two guys would've gotten consonant. Oh no, I totally had it wrong. They said they both had it right.

Yeah, I nailed it. Consonant. Go on. consonant oh yeah I nailed it all right all right Mike we're moving on to sixth grade here is your sixth grade level word numerator oh there you go that's an easy one really that's easy no it's not yeah it is no okay I there's no way to get that one wrong oh I think I did it multiple ways numerator We have different words Hold on. Hold on new plate again numerator

Numerate what Jason has a letter in there that just doesn't belong. I mean All right numerator. Nume are ator All right numerator num e are a to our Had a be in the middle of it like number it's like a number a I should be in this game. What are you talking about? You saw number a You were out first word. I'm so much better than you. A number-rater? No, that's not what I wrote. My word was perfect. You and I wrote the same thing, Mike. Don't worry about it. Also, I mean, shout out to numerator for being spelled exactly how it should be. Right. That's what I was thinking.

That's what I was thinking. It was not going to be a problem. Yeah, totally. Alright, Jason, let's see if you can stay in the game. This game sucks. Here's your sixth grade level word. Honorable. Honorable. Honorable. Okay.

I think that one. You got this one. Okay. Honorable. The honorable judge Jason Moore spells it H O N E R A B L E. And Andy's eyes said, I got that wrong. How do you spell honor? That's a great question. Oh my gosh, it's O-R! What an idiot! What an idiot! I wrote Honorable. Oh man, I'm so stupid. Honor is O-R. I think that segment was about three minutes long. H-O-N-O-R-A-B-L-E. At least I corrected myself. Congratulations, Mike. After he asked how do you spell honor.

Right. I do have a question for you. What's the highest, congrats Mike, you're amazing. Thank you. What's the highest grade level word you have available to you right now? 12th grade, and we just, we're in sixth. Is there a chance that we can each do a 12th grade?

Yeah, let's go. Bonus round. One bonus round here. I'm gonna rock this. All right, Andy's up. Here, Andy, is your 12th grade. Yeah, let's go. Bonus round. One bonus round here. I'm going to rock this. All right. Here, Andy, is your 12th grade level words. Borborygmus. Yes!

Oh my goodness. I don't know that word. Is that borborygmus? That is the word. Wait, say it again. It says it's intestinal rumbling caused by moving gas. Oh, I got borborygmus all the time. Wait, wait, wait.

I want to hear the word one more time. Borborygmus. Borborygmus will not be spelled correctly. Borboryg... Borborygmus. Borborygmus. Borborygmus. B-O-R. B-O-R.

I-G-M-O-U-S. You were close, but... Is it Borborygmus? No, it's U-S. Is it just M-U-S? It is just M-U-S, but it's also a Y. Wow. Oh.

So it's B-O-R-B-O-R-Y-G-M-U-S. Oh, no one's ever getting that. B-O-R-B-O-R-Y. Y. Y. Borborygmus. Okay. Why is that a Y? Yeah. There's, uh... No one's ever getting that BOR BOR are why why why? Borborygmus, okay. Why is that a why yeah? Because it's a 12th grade word today is not my day. Let's see if you there all right

Mike here's your 12th grade level word skipper key Skipper what skipper key any breed of a Belgian breed of small stock stocky black tailed dogs with a foxy head and heavy coat. Skipperkey? Skipperkey. Skipperkey. This is impossible. This is impossible.

Jason is sharing his notes with me and he is making some stuff up in the language. We're going Skipperkey. We're going to spell it out with sounds everybody. S-K-I. I wouldn't do that. Go ahead. Go ahead. S-K-I-P-P-E-R-E-Y-E-Y-E-E-Y-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E spell it out with sounds everybody. S-K-I. I wouldn't do that. No, go ahead. S-K-I-P-P-E-R-K-E-E. You were not as far off as I thought,

but it is S-C-H-O-I-P-P-E-R-K-E. All right, Jason Stern. All right. Jason, this would be the ultimate. Yeah, I'm going to dunk on you fools. If you misspell honor and you spell You spell ichthyosaur One more time please

ichthyosaur ichthyosaur ichthyosaur know that any of an order of extinct marine reptiles of the mesoziac Specialized aquatic like if the one more time play it one more time ichthyosaur I'm gonna I want to give it a go if he fails ichthyosaur all right oh wait I see T H I O S A U R it is I see H T H H Y O S A U R I forgot you said you wanted to give it a shot, I'm sorry but Andy does have it written down correctly Alright, so we're all winners Oh, it's time to draft What was Andy's first...

Borborygmus Borborygmus? I gotta get that in the vernacular You feel like after a bad meal you get a little borborygmus? Borborygmus. Let me see. Yeah, Borborygmus. I gotta get that in the vernacular. I like that word. You feel like after a bad meal, you get a little Borborygmus. Mike is using this just to add to the vocabulary. I like it.

All right, we are drafting. The Spitballers Draft. Well, we are- From spelling to tools. We are drafting the best tools. And we are in Spelling to tools. We are drafting the best tools. We are in our wheelhouses today. Which look, to be fair, if we were transported to that other planet that we talked about earlier, and they didn't have any tools, our odds of being able to make some of them would

go up. There are some things I think we could figure out. We could create a couple tools, yes. We could create a couple of tools. Is a stick a tool? Of course. All right. To a chimpanzee. To a chimpanzee? Chimpanzee. All right. So you got the first pick. I got the first pick here. I'm going to go with I think the most useful. Well, there there's two, there's the best tool. I think there are two to me. There's a one on one and a one Oh two, but the best tool. And I, I think you are thinking of something that I would put third, but I, I, I think it's

the most commonly used tool that I use. It is. It's not common tools, it's best tools. It is also the, well that's what makes it the best to me. What makes it the best is that this speeds up my life, it's utility, you can use it for a lot of different things. It's a power drill. Yes. Yeah.

It's the best tool. It's the best tool. Is that the best tool? Yeah, a drill is the best tool. I can screw things in with any number of bits. I mean, you should see my collection of bits. How many times have you re-bought new bits when you already had the other bits just because you didn't put them back right? Almost never. Or do you put your bits back correctly? I do put my bits back. I've got like a case of like 700 bits. And you

just put them back every time? I do. bad. It's shocking. I'm bad at that So you that's the number one? Oh, yeah, the dresser Yeah, and then there's a 102 to me anytime you're doing a project on anything and you go down to wherever the tools are The first you just well, I need the drill now listen no matter what I'm doing I'm gonna use the drill the drills pretty frequently used But it's not as fun to use. It's not as wieldy as my number one pick. Okay. That I think, you know, if I'm grabbing a tool, this is the one I picture in my head I'm grabbing first. Okay. And if I had one, I'd use it in the morning and the evening. Oh, yeah. All over the land. I'm taking a hammer. I'm

taking a hammer. Yeah. That was the one I thought Mike was talking about that would have been my third It's a very practical Yeah, yeah, no, I'm taking the hammer of all they come in all shapes and sizes I'm going hammer. Yeah, it's number two on my list. Okay. All right behind the drill. All right. All right number two on my list. Okay. All right. Behind the drill. All right. All right. Oh, how do you mean? It's a bummer to be third in this best tool trap. What a loser. We've got cool tools like a drill. So I'm going to start with, I'm going to go with, you got to do some cutting sometimes. I'm gonna take a utility knife. A utility knife.

Very frequently used. Now would you like to call it a razor blade for the purposes of this draft? Or are you gonna stick with the utility knife? I feel like razor blade in first shaving. Yeah, utility knife feels more tool-based. There's the same thing, but. Al?

Yeah, I would stick with the utility knife if I were you. I've always called it a razor blade. Really? To me, a razor blade is like a single-edged blade that is handheld, not one of the ones that goes into a utility knife. Yeah. You put the razor blade into the utility knife.

Exactly. Then it becomes a utility knife. OK. OK, I'm going to search. I mean, I could have called it a box cutter, but then. I just thought razor blade sounded cooler But it don't know it sounds cooler, but for a tool. It's got to be utility I would like to I got a whole you're good a handle not the the razor blade

Right. Yeah, cuz you're right. The razor blade is just yeah, they're tiny I think you're holding the handle of the drill too aren't you? Yeah, yeah. All right, so you got utility knife Handles are very handy. handy yeah all right using handles for my for my next pick oh man the 102 is still there what yeah you dummy what the number two oh for sure is Is it a tape measure? Oh, it is not. But I do like a good tape measure. Tape measure's on the list. All right, well, I'll pick it.

I'll pick it anyway. I would hope so. OK, then is it? Well, I didn't say I'd pick it. I was just throwing out things. I was going to see how you reacted. Yeah, give me a utility knife and tape measure. OK, that's good.

How long is this? I'll let you know. I don't want to go to the, like, Spider-Man. Yeah, and then you get the cool retracting thing. The retracting thing. That's a good time. So we are known tool guys here. Yes, yes.

We're far and wide. We do so many tool projects all the time. That's what I call them. I call them my tool projects. And, but I actually use a tape measure probably more often than others. Yes. Mostly to measure my kids. You know, that's one of my tool projects. Now, when in your life did you change from the old busted, like just an old-fashioned tape measure, to one where on the bottom it has it so you can like, you don't just have to use the click button to stop the retraction. You're saying that has the built-in stop? Well just mine on the bottom I can

actually... You can like squeeze the whole thing Yeah, I can touch the tape and not have to worry about the lever to fully stop the retraction. I do feel like it takes some nuance to be a good tape measure. Yes. And I always think I'm going to grab it and measure something really quick and easy and perfect. And then it becomes unwieldy or it bends.

Or I'm not exactly sure what that line means, because in my head, I don't know that it's 5 1 8s orieldy or it bends. Or I'm not exactly sure what that line means because in my head I don't know that it's 5 1 8s or whatever the heck it is. Our imperial system measuring is horrifically bad. But watching someone who is a real tool person, I mean, watching them with a tape measure and they're just like measuring the wall,

it's incredible. They can measure 40 feet up without that tape measure bending.'re just like measuring the like, shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh measuring the wall. They can measure 40 feet up without that tape measure bending. I can't. I can't go four feet. I can't go to whatever my ceiling is. If I wanna see what my ceiling is, I have to get on a ladder

and hold the top of the tape measure up there. That's the only way. So I'm not, my second pick after Hammer, I can't take the inferior version of Jason's drill. The manual? I can't do it I know that's why the drill is the best which is why but sometimes you need it. I'm gonna pivot to I'm gonna pivot to a flashlight. Oh That's a good tool. It's not even on my last. I'm gonna take a flashlight now

I don't know if that was that's all that's my number two. No, no, that's a good pick though It is it's very useful and I have the things I way. No, that's a good pick though. It's very useful. The things I grab, that's up there. No, do you have... Do you have a... Do you have a head torch? I have not moved into that realm. Is that what they call it? A head torch? Not just like a head lamp?

It's a headlamp. I don't know. A real tool person. I would go with headlamp. I don't know a real tool person. Yeah, I would go with headlamp headlamp That door is way cooler. Now. Do you strap one of those on I have one you have one I have used it. I was gonna ask you did you use I have used it before very handy Yeah, like cuz here's the thing when it's dark and you just look at something. It's lit up dark anymore. We had the worst three people on planet Earth for this draft. We are, oh man, we are being exposed right now.

I am buying. What are you talking about? The best tools. As we speak, right this minute, because you mentioned that, I am buying a black light head torch. There you go! Oh, black light, you're going scorpion hunting.

Why do I hold this thing while I'm scorpion hunting? You just look. You need two hands to fight off them scorpions. I want two hands for the spray. Oh yeah, you gotta get two sprays. Two-wheeled. You should buy yourself a regular headlamp as well while you're at it.

They're very handy. What's a headlamp? You ever heard of a head torch? Which one do you want? All right, so I went with flashlight. Jason, you said that what? The 102 is right there, because this is the best, the best.

Oh, I know what it is. I'm getting a chainsaw, baby. Okay. Brrrr. I can chop down a tree. Wow. I can kill a man. You know what I mean?

Like, now, I mean, I. Do you have a chainsaw? I do own a chainsaw. Andy, do you have a chainsaw? I don't. Yeah, I don't have a chainsaw Al, do you have a chainsaw? I do. Jason, have you ever used your chainsaw? I have never used my chainsaw. I would be shocked if the answer was yes. It is battery powered. So you've never used it? No. It has been used. You've never used it. No, see all it has been used Not by me of all the things you're running through of like these are the cool things I could do with a chainsaw not listed was

Was hurt myself. Oh, yeah, that's not cool because that is why I don't own a chainsaw Well, that's why I don't use a chainsaw very intimidated. I think if I use the chainsaw you you would die You wouldn't have ten fingers no way No way, I gotta stop this thing Okay, so chainsaw was Not what I thought it's not on my list not on your list man you guys have some wimpy tools over there I actually do yeah wimpy tools over there. I actually do. Yeah. Just wait. All right. There's a couple things here. There's one that is very important to me. I probably won't draft because you'll make fun of me. You're balanced out with your really macho chainsaw though. Yeah. Look,

I'm going with another really useful thing. I use it not so much for building and for tools. What do you mean another really useful thing? You've never used your previous pick ever. No, but the drill. I'm saying the drill is super useful. I'm going back to the useful stuff. You're going back to useful. I'm going back to useful, which are pliers.

Pliers are like, I don't use it to build things, but I, you know, if I can like if I can like think a lot of people are using pliers to build That's fair, but like to grab things. Yeah, you don't use a lot of strength. That's what I use My fingers aren't strong enough. Yeah, I use pliers Because they're so strong I could grab them so And my pliers, my players, you can, you can, you can slide them, make them wider. Yeah. You can make them close all the way. Oh, but that's, is that a, those are pliers? Oh yeah. Yeah. Those, those are real pliers, not needle nose. We're talking

about the kind that the one where it has, I don't know what's like a plumber's tool. What's the thing in the middle called that, somehow makes it go wider? What you're talking about, Jason? I don't know how to work that thing. No, you can't settle in on the right side the first time, you gotta go five or six times. Once the pliers are. Oh yes, you're totally right,

and you can't ever get in the right notch. No. You try 20 times, how do you do it? Once they're at the widest, they're done, I have to go buy a new pair of pliers. Those are never closing again. We are such amazing men. Hey, send us to that planet.

Wait, am I picking you up? Yeah, you're up. Oh, boy. Cool. Oh, and it's got the little, you know, the grippy part in the middle. The grippy part in the middle? Yeah, the jaws, you know what I mean? The teeth. Stop describing pliers!

Yeah, my pliers are so good. It's got a rubber handle. I'm plying all over. I'm going to grab stuff so strong. I'm going to make it easy. My third pick is going to be a saw That's the one that I thought you meant was the one or two that had been forgotten because I was racking my brain for what? Hadn't been picked but I just a good old saw I'm not gonna hurt myself with that. Is that a chain on that or no chain?

So, there you go Mike you are back up with all right some more man tools. No Maybe not considered the the manliest Bell of the yeah tool ball but It my life really elevated once I made the change to I have my strippers No, no, that's what the needle and pliers are for. No, I got my own set of hex keys. Oh!

And I was no longer reliant on Ikea, and I'm keeping thousands of the exact same size Allen wrench. I have my own. I have my own hex keys. I got my own set. Now can I ask you a question? I saved up my monies. About your hex key you a question? I saved up my money. Oh, real boy. About your Hex Key set.

Do you have it? Metric and Imperial? Yes. Incredible. Now is it all contained in one device? Because I've got one that... Oh, like a Swiss Army knife? Yeah, like a Swiss Army knife.

No, mine are all...you plug them all in. Oh, enjoy losing those. I haven't yet. Okay. I haven't yet. Okay. I have, and I've bought Allen key sets 10 times. Those are way more valuable than they should be though. Because you're 100% right. All the little tiny ones that come with whatever

you have to build that are stupid, throw those. What's amazing is that you will only lose the ones that you will future need. Of course. You'll find the set. I think the reason why. You'll find three or four sets, and it will all be missing the same one that you need right then.

I think the reason why is because you actually only need one. There's only one size that is commonly used. They're like, but we gotta sell more. How can we sell more? Just make them every size. That's a pretty sneaky little late round pick there, Allen Wrenches. And Mike, you gotta close it down.

I will close it down. I will close it down. I mean, jokes aplenty, of course. But it's a good old fashioned stud finder. Oh, yeah. Wow. Very useful when I'm trying to find a stud. You can't just knock on the wall. Oh, goodness.

Dude, I've used stud finders and still missed the stud. What a great tool. I found out that it was just, I don't know what was going on. Because I showed my wife. I mounted a TV like a month ago. And it's like, it's beeping. Oh, this is great. So I start drilling it.

We just go right into drywall. Like, hold on. At that point, do you start doing the testing? You just start doing it an inch over? I eventually got there. But I brought my stud finder back and you know So it it has like the little light that pops on the top It's pointing directly at my hole saying there's a stud back there and there was no stud

That's the problem with the finders. They're a little faulty when when that TV comes down Wait, you didn't eventually find it. Oh, I got but I it. No, I'm saying if some. It must be a stud. When I pulled the TV down, there's probably 20 holes in that wall. When I was growing up, that was the method. It was take a nail, plunge it in, and move over a quarter inch until you find the edge of a stud.

Now, all the time you save tailgating, I save without doing the, I just get right in there. Yeah, get in there. Very nice, so you have a utility knife, a tape measure, Allen wrenches and a stud finder. I have a hammer, a flashlight and a saw, and I was about to take a different pick and I thought of something that, let's be honest,

it's just a better tool. It's duct tape. Okay. That is upsetting because I messaged Owl at the beginning of the draft. Oh baby. I said is this considered a tool and I never got a response so I figured it was off the list. I see that now. I apologize. I did not see that but tremendous pick Okay, because duct tape is the ultimate tool for any man who does not know how to use tools It's in my tool bag. Yeah, and I'm duct taping everything. I mean Broken shoe duct tape. I mean literally I was I was bringing some milk back from the cabin that had been opened. I used so much duct tape to keep the lid closed for the drive home. Wow. I just kept going around the top of the milk.

Just kidnapping that milk. Yes. Here you are. Also, along the lines, how old were you when you found out it is in fact not duct tape? Oh, yeah. I was in my 20s. I was a full grown adult. It didn't help that I think somebody did make a duct tape.

Yes, they did. Because that was brilliant marketing. Everyone just calls it duct tape, but it is duct tape. So we had at my last house, we were putting things up for some party, ran out of the you know, the painters tape style stuff. So we used little pieces of duct tape, hung these things. Oh no. The paint was gone. Yeah. I mean, that really just ruined the walls because the duct

tape's like, that paint belongs to me now. So we left, there was one piece that was egregious to me now. So we left, there was one piece that was egregious and we decided it looks better with duct tape. So we left the duct tape on and that was great. Nice. Alright Jason, you have a final pick. I've got a real tool and then one that is near and dear to my heart and I'm going to go with the real tool because I don't want to get made fun of. I'm going with a six, no we'll call it five foot long level. I love large levels. You can just take the level. No, I want a big one. Five feet is a huge level. You're going to not use that hardly ever. No, that's the one I use all the time. I use it all the time. But you shouldn't. I like to see Jason hanging a picture on the wall with a five-foot level.

Maybe it's this wide. How wide is that? That's probably four feet. That's probably four feet. That's probably four feet. Okay. Change it to four feet. Change it to a five-foot level.

Even better. I don't think so. Every time I'm hanging stuff, it's like I- You use that? Yeah, I use it all the time. When I'm hanging pictures and things, it's- How big are these pictures? Well, now what if we-

I'm gonna give you one more chance to change it to a level. Oftentimes, I might go six foot level here. I mean, what if we went to his house after giving him this grief and he's hanging the biggest pictures you've ever seen? It's not one picture. It's when you're hanging multiple and you want them to all be in a line. And so I like being able to like draw on the wall.

You do a lot of collages? I've got multiple children. I don't just hang one picture. This is my favorite. I feel like the tool for that would be a laser level. That would have been a good pick. Do I have a chance to go laser level? You're currently at six foot level. Seven foot is on the table. Seven foot's available? I'll take seven foot level. That's fantastic. The other one that is near and dear to me.

That you didn't take. That I didn't take are knee pads because. Oh, good old man pick. Old man tool that is clutch. When you got to get down there under a a sink if I don't have a pad It's underrated Under those knees It's underrated

I ain't doing it Every time I work on my pool equipment I wish I had knee pads and I've never bought them I have Or a knee pad A knee pad is the way to go that's where I was gonna go You know what I'm buying a knee pad You gotta buy a knee pad Right now

It is so great and you can use a knee pad in so many more ways than you wear like the strap on knee pads. Those are bunk. Those are worthless compared to the big pad that you can lay on. Because I could put, hey you gotta- Purchased. You gotta lay on your back under a sink? You know and get that like wood dragging into your back?

No. Put that knee pad down there and lay down on it. So it's a tie. Just take a nap under that sink, you know, and get that like wood dragging into your back. No, put that knee pad down there and lay down on it. So it's a tie. Just take a nap under that sink. Owl has put in his waiver wire picks because Owl knows tools. He's none of them. He put four tools on the list before you read them. But I'm going to tell you, there's four on the list. I know what two of them are. So let me see. You see as less because I don't see it. I got it. of them are. So let me see, you see his list?

Cause I don't see it. I got it. So I have, Al said, Hold on. Oh, you want to go. I'm gonna try to guess them. Okay. The ones that I'm guessing that are not on the circular saw.

Is that one of them? It was on my list, but it didn't make my four. Jigsaw? That is one of them. Okay. Okay. That's it. Nail gun.

It's gonna be a ratchet. Brad nailers on my list. Yes, a ratchet wrench. Yeah, socket wrench is on my list. A rat wrench. Yeah, socket wrench Yes on my list and what is a nail gun? Oh, we know how to we know how to pander to the to the tool heads out there But we didn't do that. So for those at home that don't know what is a Brad nailer It's just a nail gun Yeah

Why would you not call it a nail gun? Because a Brad nailer is like finishing nails for like putting up molding and For better than nails. I like no heads on the yeah, okay, and then different men and then an oscillating tool Is this a fan? It is not a fan It should be a little They have Dremel tool kind of it a lot of people call it multi tools I'm waiting why are we making up all these words? You can put a sanding head on it you could put a saw head on it

There you get they're really versatile just a so it just it like it spins kind of like a drill you can Put it almost like vibrates back and forth more than but it's in an oscillating pattern You can like cut out holes out of wood that way you can do a ton of stuff with them They're not this is like your world of music Mike. Oh, yes. It's just a different There's There's layers here. This is magic. And your layers...

Your layers end at Studfinder. This is magic! Yeah, yes. All right, that is it. What did we learn? What did we learn today? Go for it. Oh, fellas, I'm about to eat a buffalo chicken. Oh, how you feeling?

I haven't had it yet, but I expect later I'm gonna have some oh, I can't read my writing. Borg-a-gm-us. Borg-a-gm-us. Borg-a-gm-us. What's the word? I think it's borg-a-gm-us. Borg-a-gm-us. You learned that so well, Mike. Borg-a-gm-us. I learned that Jason either hangs giant pictures or multiple pictures at all times. And I learned that Jason either hangs giant pictures or multiple pictures at all times. And I learned that science is very limiting, whereas magic is unlimited. Nice. Thank you for hanging around for this episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Tell your friends, check out jointhespit.com if you want to submit your ideas for the show until next time Annie Mike and

Jason Al and the judge goodbye goodbye for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to check out spitballers pod.com