Spitballers Comedy Podcast - The Fly Guy & The Best Night With The Boys - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 8, 2025

After some time off for the holidays, we are back with a fresh, hilarious episode. Listen in as we talk about travel preferences, residual sneeze income, and being raised by wild animals. We wrap it up with a draft of the best night with the boys. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. That's great. Nice scat, Jason. Thanks, man. enjoyed doing it today. It looked like a ventriloquist type of situation. But you sounded like yourself. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I give myself a 10 out of 10. So the second, uh, what do you call that? Like a, um, I volunteer as tribute scat. No, that's not true. This is a payment. Yeah, I didn't volunteer here. He didn't, yeah. Wait, I didn't volunteer. This is the second time that you had to do his scat for him. Yeah. That's right. And now, and now it's paid up. And now I've got to look for new gifts. I can find some things.

that was pretty good i mean how's it felt the last what is that like keep those dms open it's been great because this is basically almost two months yeah where i don't scat and i i thought you would make up for it in comedic effect but that really hasn't been the case no of course not uh welcome into the spitballers episode 349 is that right that is correct wow awesome the next one's about tree 50 yeah about tree 50 would you rather is this real life and we are drafting uh what we're calling the best night out with the boys, or the best night with the boys. So we're drafting a,

what are we drafting, an album, a movie, a snack, in a video game? So you've got the guys coming over to do something. That's going to be great. And we're going to pick items for each one and see you can build the best night. Who amongst us middle-aged guys you don't dream about and think about

the times with the boys? Those were good days. The high school days. When I wanted to stay up late. I worry a little bit. Making my own list about this draft. You were a loser? You never had a night out with the boys, did you?

No. You got crazy. I had the best nights out. No, the issue is when it comes time to draft at the end of the show, we are really going to be showing our age. Yes. Because I'm looking at my list and I'm like, this is a lot of our audience is not going to know my album. They're not going to... You know what I mean? Who do you think listens to this show? That's fair.

That's a good point. Yeah, we'll be all right. We'll make it through. But, uh, yeah. The boys. Let's jump in. Would you rather? We're beginning here with a would you rather question from Alexander over on our Patreon.

Would you rather instantly receive $1 for every past sneeze you have had in your life? Or from here. here on out. Start receiving $3 instantly each time you sneeze. Come on. Burdened hand. I mean, I'm 41 years old. I've sneezed. I don't know what my average sneeze per year would be. More than once a year, Mike.

Sicknesses would be lucrative. A good winter cold. Very wealthy. I mean, your guy over here, my allergies when I was a child. Oh, you were cash. Would you be like, would you be wearing a necklace with like a pepper shaker on it if you took the $3 for every future sneeze? I'd put an old cat on it. Right. Yeah.

Whatever you're allergic to, you're just literally rubbing your face and the nastiest stuff. Only when I'm poor. Only when I need a few dollars. The issue here is, I mean, I don't, I don't think that there is a way to redeem it how it is right now. This is clearly burdened hand. This is like how many sneezes I've had? in my life, I don't know, 10,000? Do you know how painful 30 sneezes would be to make $100?

Right, that's what I mean. 30 sneezes for 100 bucks? Yeah, give me a break. Do we, like, is this information available? If I go ask AI, will it, no? Like, it'll give you an answer. How many? I will always give you an answer.

Now, whether that answer is correct. You got it. What a great question. Oh, yeah, you are so smart to ask this question. The answer is, and then it gives you some made up, I got it. I've got the number. I don't know if this is right.

It seems like too much. I said, how many sneezes on average do people have per year? Give me only the number. They say 440. 440 sneezes per year. I mean, this is not a lot of money. I mean, this is 18 grand. 18 grand right now and I don't have to.

That's a good chunk of change. Yeah, that's more than I thought. I'm older than I thought I was. You thought you were 20 years old. Yeah, times 20. So 440 times 41 was 18 grand And I would take the 18 grand right now And I have to feel the pressure of

Because you would have to do how many sneezes To make up ground I just actively try not to sneeze I don't like sneezing So I feel like Dude I mean a good A good sneeze is fine

But a three bucks Oh man That would be $1,320 a year moving forward If that 440 was to sustain Oh 1,300 bucks a year I would double that At least with knowing the monetary. We would certainly sneeze more often.

So you make $2,500, $3,000 a year, a little stimulus sneeze check? I mean, how many times in my life have I held back to sneeze? That's right. Many, many, many times I have. You do, of anyone I know, you are the one most likely to hold back a sneeze, and I never really understand it. Just let it go, man. Well, you know, sometimes, sometimes it's polite to hold it back.

But I would let it fly every time if I know I got three bucks. I'm paying the bills. Yeah. Excuse me. to pay the bills. But I'm saying like a, you're in a situation, you know, you're like, you got a big sneeze. And you go either go elbow or in shirt, we're sanitary people. Yeah, well, for sure. I mean, like that compared to the, what you go with, which is the, well, they got to pause, you like, and then it's, you know what you do? Like, there's still,

my whole body vibrates. There's still a sound, you still sneeze. The best thing to do is. But I'm not spraying everything out of my mouth. Right. But that's right. into your wallet. Oh. And the $3 just appears. It's going to get a full billfold. Yeah, just open the billfold.

It smells like leather and sneeze into it. You're at the vending machine. You're like, man, I need that honey bun. Yes. Do you guys ever, this is a funny question. I didn't know we were having this question today. And this happened today. Vending machine related.

No, no, no, sneeze related. Okay. This happened about an hour ago for me. Do you guys ever, when you are by yourself and you are, there's no sanitation needs. Okay. Do you guys ever sneeze as big as you can? Yeah.

You don't cover it. You try to extra spit. Well, I don't know about the extra spit. Oh, man. Have you ever done the sneeze? I'm not covering. Have you ever done the sneeze? Close mouth, tongue out.

Close mouth, tongue out. No. I have done. That's doable? Oh, yeah. What do you mean? Oh, yeah. You got to try this.

It is the ultimate raspberry. That is the weirdest sound. Go for it. I feel like my head would explode. Oh, no, this isn't a hold your eyes open. I'm going to try it for sure. Let it, let it rip. But see, what I do is, there's a spit air.

I am mouth open tongue out. I am literally like. But then you're not getting the. No, but the projectile's incredible. If you walk by a homeless person, they're like, do you have any money? And you go, hold on a second. We just sneezing their face? Yeah.

Three bucks, but you're giving them three bucks. Yeah, well, if I get the three dollars, you just say, hold on a second, and you look up at the sun. Are you one of those lights? Yeah, the sun will get me a sneeze. My son would be a millionaire. I don't. Oh, really?

Because he'll, because he'll, because whenever he sneezes, it's like 700 sneezes in a row. Oh, yeah, I'm normally a three. I'm normally a two. The lights, the light sneezers. I don't understand. Is it just the sun? Or can it be a fluorescence? I don't.

Just the sun. I think it is, I think it is the sun. I don't think it's light bulbs. Well, I've, I've always heard that. It's not just the brightness of it. I've heard that we're like, it's called a photic sneeze reflex.

Where people. This can't be true. It's known as Achu syndrome. Autosomal dominant, compelling helio-optimalic outburst. Oh my goodness. That is true. Achu syndrome. Achu.

Autosomal dominant, compelling helio-ophthalmic outburst. And it affects 10 to 35% of people. I'm 95% sure this was a, liar, liar at one point. Sunlight hits, the eyes, triggers a signal to the optic nerve, which cross talks with the trigiminal nerve. Of course. Which causes facial sensations, including the nose.

And it's mistakenly interpreted by the brain as an irritant in the nose, triggering a sneeze in 20 to 35% of people. I can do the thing where... I thought it was just 10% to 35%. And it's making up different numbers within itself? It's inherited. Okay. But I mean, I've heard that where people... You get stuck and you're like, I got to sneeze.

I got to get this out. And people say, look at a light. Right. To stop it? No, to make it. To make the sneeze come out. It does it. I don't get it.

Yeah. Because I don't have a chew. It does say bright light, especially sunlight. So maybe, you know, if you grab a couple of them. It sounds like 65 to 90% of people that's not going to work for. Jeremy, Jeremy, the king of receipts tracked it down. And he brought this up on a liar, liar. Episode 223.

That's all true, right? That was a lifetime ago. I don't remember that. Well, anyways. I won't remember this. Yeah, I guess if I sneeze in threes, I make nine bucks every time I sneeze. That's not bad. No, but I just don't like sneezing.

You will. I guess I will when I need a Starbucks. One moment. Assuming, keep in mind, we've lived 40 years. How long we got left? You know what I mean? Max of 40. If I die at 60

We can only hope it's... It's way better to take the 40 years worth of sneezes. No, because you get three here on out, brother. Yeah, but interest. I can invest right now that is $10. You're investing in your sneeze cash. For sure. You're not spending your sneeze cash?

I'm going to spend that sneeze cash. No. Like there's no tomorrow. Come on, man. I got infinite money. I got to have 5,800 sneezes the rest of my life just to break even, not including interest. Makes no sense. Burden here.

Jordy from the website, you are traveling to a destination that is a seven-hour drive from your home. But for whatever hypothetical reason you want to come up with, it is a nine-hour non-stop flight. Cost is not a factor. Would you rather fly nine hours or drive seven hours? Huh? Okay. I get this question because... You do?

Yeah, I do, because we've never discussed this. It is flying just about a time savings, or in some people's cases, you're not the one driving. you're not the one flying. Like, you can sit there and do something. To me, I prefer flying over driving times a billion. I hate long road trips. So then you're taking the longer flight. No, and that's the point.

Times a billion? You like it more times a billion? Except for two hours difference. Those two hours, absolutely not. That's where I draw the line. That is not times a billion. Okay, it was hyperbolic. Agreed.

It was a little more than hyperbolic times a billion. I way prefer two hours extra no what are you talking about man two hours my point is I am of the three of us I am certainly the prefer to fly guy I don't have any fear of flying or anxiety I also prefer the experience as opposed to sitting in a car for seven hours I don't mind walking through security and then and then you know go into the airport bar restaurant or whatever I think he takes a lot of pride in this hour Do you notice that? Yeah. Pride and what. On being a flying guy. Yeah, sure. I just can't wait to hear where you're going with this because it sounds like you would prefer to fly.

Yeah, yeah. But at this. No, but not to save two hours. That's funny. Are you kidding? I mean, yes, there's a laundry list of things that I love and enjoy about flying, but two hours. Yeah. I want to see, I want to hear you redeem this.

My point is, I mean, I feel like I am taking crazy pills that you guys aren't understanding this. I like a lot of the things. of flying more than driving, but if it takes longer in a one-way flight, and I have to sit for nine hours, all of those other things aren't worth it. Like, the whole point of flying is that the time is broken up. The time sitting is shorter. Even time. Seven-hour flight, seven-hour drive. But it's a- No, no, I'm asking you. If I've got to sit down, oh, then a flight, seven-hour flight, seven-hour drive. Okay, I would do the-hour flight, seven-a-half hour. or seven and a half hour flight seven hour.

Oh, yeah. Where does a break? I need clarification here, okay? Now, real quick. I'm a fly guy. All I want to do is fly. Times a billion. Okay, hold on. So wait, wait, wait.

You're being undone. That security line? I'm going to go back and forth. I love it. Don't get me started on the peanuts. Okay. That $5 bottle of water? Oh, my God.

of them. What's the clarification you need on my seven and a half versus seven? I still have to go to the airport two hours early and do all of that rigamarole, right? Sure. Then I will take the drive. For a half an hour difference? It's not half an hour difference. Now it's two and a half hour difference.

It's the same as the 7.7 question. I'm just adding 30 minutes. The 7.7 you said you'd rather fly. But the question is I would rather be sitting in an airplane for seven hours straight than sitting in a car for seven hours straight. Okay, we'll do it that way. That's, then yes. You appear in the takeoff seat or you are in the car. Yeah, I would prefer to be in the table. So seven and a half

or seven? Yeah, seven and a half. Eight or seven. I would go, if it's a seven hour in a car, my number for in a flight would be probably ten, ten hours. Wait, this is a seven or nine question that you said you'd drive. I am a flag guy.

What is happening? time's a billion I yeah look I'm answering the drive I like a good drive I get a better

snack selection Jason knows he doesn't know what that is happening I can't believe he answered 10 I can't believe it it's amazing it's incredible not a smart man

well I just he spent so much time explaining in some defense of Jason is like that is that going to their Oh, that is the worst part. The stress of knowing I have to leave my house. And when you have three children and you're like, we have to be out the door at this time,

or I'm going to be having a panic attack all the way to the airport just to wait and all that crap. That is one of the conveniences of a road trip is 100% you leave when you want. You go when you want to go. And it is a reason to do that. It's fabulous. I will say this. And for, you know, it may come across this boogey or whatever you want to say. JSX is an airline.

Oh, yeah. You're speaking my lovely. Now, let me let me. No, no, no, no, no. JSX is not a private airline. It is a, it's a commercial, it's a commercial airline that is walk on, walk off. You only have to show up 30 minutes earlier. And the reason I bring it up is because Jason literally, he's booking flights to go to Las Vegas.

And the difference in price between JSX and a commercial flight was like... It was 50 bucks a ticket. That's wild. Which is very small. And it is a regional smaller jet airline. But what I'm saying is that they revealed to you or to me who doesn't, I don't like to go through security. I'm a guy that shows up early. It's just in my nature.

I want to show up early, which means when I do the flight thing, I'm following the stupid two-hour rule. And every single time I'm like, I'm going to do this in case I get a long line. And every single time I'm through security in five minutes. and I'm sitting for an hour in 55 minutes. And yet, you know if you showed up one hour early, you'd miss your fight. I can't not do it. It would be the one day that the security line is long. So to me, I'd rather drive than spend four hours or three hours in an airport,

go through the parking at an airport, security at an airport. The people, right, like ever since, like, there's just you're around a million people. I feel like I'm going to get sick at an airport or in an airplane. So if it's close to me, if you ask me that time, if it's a five-hour, flight or a six-hour drive, I take the drive. Sure. I think the heart of this question really is do you prefer to fly your drive? And I prefer to fly.

Now, okay. I mean, there's a lot of perks because it's going to be stressful to drive. What if you're not driving? That's better. That's way, but that's, you're right. And we're talking, your shotgun. Yeah, that's why I would prefer an airplane seat to a car seat. Cross state Ubers. Or a train. If you could take a train. Oh, give me the train. I wish we had train. Can we start trains up again?

Trains are awesome. I took one when I was in Europe. Trains rule. And it's the only time I've ever been on a train in my life. Probably the only time I'll ever. It was as good as I thought it'd be. It was better than you think it's going to be. It was just like, first of all, you could have train robberies again. Oh, horseback. That's your go-to? It's one of the important factors. You don't want to be on a train, chilling out, looking at the cedary and hear the, I don't think you can do them anymore. because the trains are too fast

Yeah Maybe Maybe the horses are faster now Did they upgrade the horses I think they'd have to be on motorcycles Okay That's hilarious mental picture Mad Max

That'd be sick Look I The difference is when you get off your horse When you get off your horse When you're robin a train The horse doesn't fall down That's kind of the It keeps running next to you

Yeah it can kind of Autonomous motorcycles I have I have such a romanticized idea of trains that my wife and I next year are

it's 20, 20 anniversary 20 year anniversary. If you get there. Yeah, if I may. Of course, thank you. Well, it hasn't happened. Lower odds if he flies. You don't want to put the cart in front of the horse. Right. Motorcycle. And cart in front of the motorcycle.

One of the ideas I floated was a legit like a week long train bro, that'd be so cool. A week-long train, the vacation is the train? Yeah, it's like, start in L.A. And then you take the train to, like, Chicago. Can you do that? Yeah. They had trains in America? Yeah, we do, man.

Are they steam engines? Are they just more like, they're new? I don't know. They're going to be new. Okay. But it's like... You can do this? Yeah. I'm... I am literally looking into it right now. Bro, I got my 20th coming up. Let me know two-for-one deals. But I heard what you said. You'd have to start in L.A. There's no train here. I think, I think they said, You can go up north to, like, Flagstaff or something and get the train from there.

I got word that somebody's taking. See, I know that the East Coast has trains. Yeah, but you're all next to each other. Yeah, but that's not a lot of those trains. Those are basically subways. Like, they call, oh, I take the train. And these ones, like, you can get on, you can get yourself, get yourself a nice car, see the country. Like, they got.

Hogwarts Express. They got the food cart. They got the drink cards. Do you sleep on it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you sleep in there. and the idea of that to me sounds so incredible it does because it's one of the things that is nice about the driving is the scenery if you do a road trip but then you got to drive and you got a plan

but if a train is on a track the week in a train i think you'd be i mean you've got a small little cabin right well you can get a decent size one yeah um it can't be wider than the train well i'm positive pop outs um yeah like an army Yeah, just pull it in before that tunnel. I totally get the idea of this is going to take you everywhere and you get to see incredible scenery. Can I tell you guys about a cruise? Okay, because you get to see the most incredible scenery and it takes you everywhere except whenever you're bored with your room. Whenever you're bored in your room, you can go have fun. It sounds bad. Yeah, okay, hold on. Is the train on the

ocean. No. Is there a casino in the train? Maybe. No. Yeah, probably not. Yeah, actually. Exactly. Can't be on land. Laws. Um, okay. Casino. There's no international tracks. Are we on international land right now? Yeah. In between states. So would you go, Jason, just so I know, seven hour drive, eight hour train ride. Seven hour drive, eight hour train ride. I would definitely train ride. Yeah. Ten hour flight, ten hour train ride. Train. Not even close. I would definitely take a train over a plane. If the time savings isn't there, then you're saying the experience is better. The experience is so much better.

Can you get sick on a train? I mean, you can get sick in this studio. No, I don't. No, you're, no. No, even better. Like, the train does like a and not an ocean back to first. I thought you were a fly guy. But it's like a tiny, almost rocky to sleep.

It sounds great. And you can you can get up. You thought the last segment was going to age us? We're talking trains. Well, we've never been on a train. It's not like, oh, I miss when we grew up on the trains. True, true. But, yeah, the fact that you can stand up and walk between cars and experience, like, like the train I was on had a, had a, like, cafe area.

Yeah, there's a, there's a food cart. You have to go between carts and stand on the little metal piece holding it. You have to jump. I really hope. I really genuinely hoped so. I wanted that. Between the carts. I wanted it to be like, you are in open air.

You hold on to your hat? Yeah, exactly. But there was none of it. No, but it's all covered, right? Well, great conversation. And I couldn't even find a place like where you could get out the top of the train to walk on the train. Oh, like you do like a mission impossible? Yeah.

Yeah, I always wanted to do it. And then you lay down at the tunnel. Raj from Patreon, you survived a shipwreck as an infant, but unfortunately your parents did not. Oh, man. Then how did I survive? Would you rather be found and raised? Because you were small enough. By a band of gorillas.

Have you ever seen Tarzan? Okay. Or a pack of wolves. Yeah, exactly. Have you seen Tarzan? You will live with your new animal family until the age of 15 when you are finally rescued by a group of human explorers. Is there, there's got to be a story of a...

This is George in the jungle. Yeah, but who was... Was anyone raised by wolves? I wonder if there's got to be a seed of truth to one of those, right? I think so. I've heard some story about it. Somebody that, like, was in a plane crash and lived out there in the wild. I think there was a story of a girl, real story, who was basically...

gone for two years and was taken care of by wolves or something like that. I would have to look that up. It might be made up, but I believe it's true. That was Mowgli. Yeah, you're thinking of Ballou that helped raise them. So what are the benefits of, I feel like, I feel like in my mind wolves are like a thicker, like a better friends, like a tighter group of.

Interesting. Like I feel like a pack of wolves is tighter than a group of gorillas. That's because they go in pack. Yeah, they're like, so do gorillas. And you're all in a pack, a gorilla? I think it, is it a pod? Josh, I like to, you know animals. I like to think it's a family.

A band of gorillas. A band of, okay, there we go. That sounds pretty cool. Even better. Yeah, you want to be in a pack? You want to be in a pack? You want to be in a pack. You're like, you're literally in the guerrillas. The band.

Yeah. What skills do you want more? What do guerrillas teach you versus what? This is simple. Where am I? Do I have to be on the? ground at all times because I'm a wolf no I want to climb up these trees like a gorilla that's that's monkeys you're thinking of monkeys girlas can climb trees I'm a fly guy of course a gorilla could

climb a tree but they don't wait who raised tarzan gorillas case closed case closed that's a cartoon this is fictional this is a fictional question I'm living in a fictional world a cartoon question this is I'm an infant surviving a plane crash and I'm raised by gorillas or wolves in that world those are the cartoon gorillas. Yes, gorillas can climb trees. Yeah, the case reopened, case closed. Young gorillas will climb for food

to play or build nests. It is not common, not common for male adults to climb due to their large size. Now, I'm not doing a young human following the other young, I'm not doing what dad guerrillas doing. I'm doing what young boy gorilla is doing. But you're going to eat a lot of, like, if you

want to eat meat, you want to be with the wolves. Gorillas. gorillas are going to eat a lot of like I'm a herbivore. Yeah. Or I'm an omnivore, right? You're going to eat a lot of fruits. I think gorillas are omni. They eat some meat, but they eat a lot of, I believe they eat a lot of fruits and veggies. Well, and humans

need that. Do you see a lot of wolves eating? I just know you like for berries. You like your steak. I do like my steak. Gorillas can eat steak, too. I get it all if I'm a gorilla. But to be accepted by the wolves, are you going to have to be quadru-hedral? Yes. And I

I actually think there was something about that story of the girl who was... I don't remember if it was wolves or like a wild pack of dogs. Jared, see if you could find this. It was wild dogs. I know who you're talking about. Okay, yeah. And I think when she was found later, she was, like, mostly on all fours. So I think if you're with the wolves, you are hands on the ground.

I've got some food-related numbers for you. All right. Percentage of diet for gorillas that is meat, 3%. Okay. Percentage for wolves, 70%. What's the other 30%? Wait, what are they eating at 30%. I don't know.

You're looking it up. Yeah, I don't know. This is from Americanwoolves.com. What do wolves eat? Wolves eat other stuff? Apparently. They get in some foliage in there? Spring diet.

I don't know. Beavers, rabbits, mice, that's all meat. Wolves are carnivores. Spring will bring fruits and vegetables. 70% of the time. Yeah, fruits. and vegetables for some of the spring. Really? Yeah, but mostly meat.

I'm just saying, if you want 3% meat, then go ahead. Probably about 70%. Yeah, I like the 70%. I'm going to go wolves. I want to be able to howl at the moon. Howling is cool. That's the first good thing you've said. Our guerrillas, like they gotta have like the lead.

They beat their chests. Yeah, they do that. And they challenge. But it's like, there's there's got to be a leader of the gorilla path. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Alpha gorilla. Do you have to try to become the alpha gorilla at some point? Can you just be submissive from the beginning? Or do you just, like, because lions... You win.

I thought with lions, like, there's one. And if you don't win, you're out. You've got to go find your own pride to be a part of. And wolves are like, the, like, wolves like take turns being in charge. One gorilla perk would be how long they live if you want, if you have a good relationship with them, they live longer than the wolves do. I mean, I know you're not a gorilla or a wolf, but like, Your family would be around longer.

Hmm. Your guerrilla family. Right. I'm going. I'm taking the wolves. They're cooler. I'm going. Which one's cooler?

That's a good question. Which one is cooler? Yeah, which one's cooler? A gorilla's cooler. I think a gorilla's cooler. And who would win in a fight? Okay. Real quick.

Same question. Every time you snap your fingers, you could turn into that animal. You'd choose gorilla? Oh, yeah. That's easy. That's easy, easy. I mean, I could run like the wind. If I was a wolf.

I think you'd be surprised how fast a gorilla could run if you wanted to. Check on American gorilla.com. They've got to be real fast. They got we got to be 20 mile an hour here. 25. Wolves are 36 to 38. So eat that. Yeah, but can they climb a tree?

Yeah, can they climb a tree? No. And can they pick things up with their thumbs? No, they can't. Could they grab another wolf and pick him up and throw him? No, but my gorilla could. With the mouth, you could. One gorilla's beating one wolf.

I know that. Let's take a break and then we'll get into Is This Real Life? Well, let me ask the producers. I want to know which they would pick. If you had to be raised by gorillas or wolves, what would you select? We got Al Borland. We have Papa Josh. Which one would you go with?

It's easy guerrillas for me. Yeah, gorillas. Both went gorillas. Do you remember the question that was massively viral and popular of who would win in a fight? A hundred humans. Yeah, or the one gorilla. Or one gorilla. Uh-huh.

Was it a hundred? Yeah. And now imagine that question with a hundred humans or one wolf. Like, I'll grab his back left leg. Oh, it's more about what's fun. Like, if you had to choose between. a wolf or I don't know a falcon

which one are you choosing falcon yeah but the wolf's gonna eat the falcon if they fought good luck catching the falcon what a dumb example you're not gonna catch the wolf of your gorilla also I'm not sure if you're raised by falcons that you just learned to fly no no that was it's a very short life I said to turn into them

like to be one of them just go off the cliff son you gotta jump to age it's time to leave the nest all right is this real life we've each picked three news stories that we saw that we said to ourselves, my goodness, is this real life? Mine is motorists in North Carolina tells 9-1-1. I just had a bald eagle drop a cat through my windshield. And there is a picture that comes along with it, which I'll share to you guys in the channel.

You guys can look to story out. How are you sure it was an eagle? Well, the phone call said, this is what they said on the 911 call, quote, You may not believe me, but I just had a bald eagle drop a cat through my windshield, the incredulous driver said. Did the cat survive? There's no. I don't think so. Based off of this photo, this is not what happened.

Did the bald eagle come to eat its prey? I hope not. It's not clear if the feline slipped from the eagle's talons or was discarded because the big bird didn't have a taste for it. A cat didn't do this. No, it didn't not have a taste for it. That's how it kills its animals. Well, I think there's pretty good proof if you find a cat in your car afterwards. Yeah.

I'm looking at the size of this hole in this windshield. There's just, there's no way. Well, here, moving on to the rest of the story. Is that cat a mountain lion? Another, another question the dispatcher asked, is the cat still alive? Oh. But the answer was no. Okay.

Although it did break the windshield and then was on to the side of the road. And the dispatcher said, I have to ask just to make sure. wait how did the cat get to the side of the road i think it bounced it bounced i think it's shattered it bounced and it did you're telling me it bounced off this windshield caused a hole that's probably at least a two feet in diameter yeah that's what i'm telling you what is the world telling you though when that happens to you you have a normal day this is like the person i'm telling you this man's a liar this is like the person who was uh who was tending to their garden in the united kingdom and just had a normal day just tending to their garden pulling their vegetables beautiful day outside

and the airliner that flew above them dropped their poop and it just doused the whole house in human excrement that's a bad day for no reason we got we got an insurance situation going on would you rather this happen to explore the story the rest of your life no no because some stories are worth the story nightmares there's not I'd be afraid to drive now I'd be like driving no you wouldn't because this guy made it all up for fraud

what if the eagle dropped the gorilla would that be worth it Then maybe that hole could have appeared. It's a pretty big hole. The cat's not doing that. You're not buying it? No, I'm not. And a cat lands on its feet. You think they're looking for a...

Oh, that's true. There should be four holes. And it should be stuck in there. See? Yeah, it's a good point. This is not true. I'm starting to lead towards mine. Someone cast a huge check.

Someone hit a person. Yes. And said an eagle dropped the person. You're not going to believe this, 9-1-1. But there's a... What are the cat? Some have fly. Yeah, drop the cat.

A cat drop. Totally unrelated. My husband's missing. There's a body about two feet from my car. It was there when I pulled over. All right. I'll bring up the next story because mine deals with a car as well. Florida man driving Cadillac from the sunroof. We'll stop there. Wait, wait, hold on. Say it again.

Florida man driving his Cadillac from his sunroof. So he is on the freeway. he's on the freeway going over 100 miles per hour at times stand there's a photograph of him standing out oh he's standing he is standing up out of his sunroof does he have a big stick or something no it the car had autopilot so he is on autopilot and he is literally doing the titanic he's doing the teen wolf the oh he is doing he's doing teen wolf he actually did it even more because it the officer said that he saw him get out and sit on top of the car as well. Come on, dude. Now there's two

other... You're going to ruin autopilot for all of us. Two other parts of this story. I mean, I don't know. He might have proved that autopilot's just fine because he didn't get an accident. I mean, he didn't... He survived. So, one, this man is 70 years old. That is a surprising twist in this story. That is a very... Now I understand because if, you know... Right. But yeah, yeah. But he's... You're telling me a seven-year-old man had the dexterity and the agility

to get on the roof of a driving car. I think what he had was the motivation. And here it is. Okay. Florida man driving Cadillac from Sunroof says he'd rather go to jail than back to his wife. Oh my.

That's what he was doing. Wow. His way out was getting arrested. Sir. Rob a bank Yeah, I know, because there's way more upside. It's a win-win. You just needed a little break. I mean, either

you go to jail or you got a bunch of cash. How long is a bank robbery prison? Does it matter how much? Well, you can't. It matters a lot whether you pulled a weapon. Yeah, you can't get, go armed. Okay, let's say unarmed. I'm just curious, unarmed. No arms? Anywhere it's really difficult to do it that way. Anywhere between Yeah, thank you. Anywhere between, we'll call it $200,000 and a million dollars.

Jared, look this up with AI or something. Unarmed, between $200,000 and a million, how long can you go to prison? How you're going for a while, brother. But that's what I, I don't know if this is 50 years. Five to 10 years. Five to 10 years. That might be worth it. If you didn't hurt somebody.

Right, right. Yeah, no hurting, no weapons. What are the rules? I don't know if the amount of money matters as much as. I'm sure there's a threshold where it. Really? You think I can go in there and like, if I... If you robbed $1,000, you're not going to jail for 50 years. Huh.

What are the rules about, like, pretending that to have a gun? They frown on that. No, I said gum. I said bubble gum. No, but I mean, you're like... I have a gum. I have some gum. Check the tape. I said gum. I was told, and I had gum. I told no lies.

I don't know why they gave me all that money. If you perform a robbery with a weapon, it's considered. worse in terms of your punishment. What if you just, you have the hand in the pocket, so you're like, yeah, I have a go, but that turns out you don't. Right. What rule do you fall under? That feels like, what do they call that, menacing?

Ooh, that feels like menacing. But you have any answers for us out? Do you get charged with a weapon or not? If you say you have one. It looks like probably 10 to 15. Oh, that's a long time. Five to 10 felt a lot better than 10 to 15. But 10 and 15 feels a lot better than 50.

so yeah okay there we got it all right well this poor chap has a bad marriage go on Mike all right in a good car so uh mine's about a story in Virginia if you do it via embezzlement for the record it's shorter

oh yeah white collar maybe you're probably like three to eight I'm reading this federal thing it's like up to 20 years without a weapon up to 25 if you put a person's life in jeopardy a five year gap between no weapon and weapon that feels inappropriate I'm gonna use a weapon in that case. Yeah, I feel like I'd be weaponized. Yeah.

Not that I would do that. No, we're not, we're not condoning. No. Bank robbery was, when the trains come back, I'll get back into bank robbery. Well, that's not a bank robbery. I just feel like they belong in the same era, though. Oh, yeah, for sure. Because bank robbing back in the, in the train days, it was like, did that person, do you, do you have them right now? No, they're free. Yeah. Are they in your line of sight? Yeah. They're gone forever. Bank robbery used to be, like, you go to a bank now. There's a legitimate career. Yeah, it really was.

Like, what do you want to be when you grow up a bank robber, a famous one? But the banks had the money back then. Now, it's like, sir, we have, we've got five grand here. We don't have the cash. It's all electronic. Yeah, I thought about that going into, there's like a chicken and pickle place. It's huge facility. It's fully cashless.

You can't steal anything from them. Man. You know what I mean? You can get some... What are you laughing at? Just the way you said it is like, you thought this out. You're like, I can't even rob them. It's because they put it in a big sign in the front of their building.

And it makes me think, do they do that to dissuade anybody from trying to steal from? I think they're just telling the cash people go away. Okay. Grow up. Get a credit card. Which is weird. Dude, when you go to a place that's like cash only, I mean, just say crimes are being committed here. Yeah.

police please investigate in almost all jurisdictions pretending to have a gun equals legally treated the exact same as having one that was my because it makes victims believe their life is in danger but i can't imagine that you could be yeah but i i agree with some of the charges but i don't think you could i'm a billion i don't think you could tack on like attempted murder whatever you know what i don't be i would want to find whatever crimes you could do that get you sent to the nice prison. You know what I mean? That's all that white call. Yeah, that's that Rithful stuff. Like Martha Stewart's prison, I would like figure that out. Art thieves. If you take art, you don't go to bad prison.

Correct. What was the Pierce Brosnan movie? Mike, you can't reference movies we won't think about it. Thank you, Josh. Yeah, it's a Thomas Crown Affir thing. It's a pretty old movie. I mean, this guy should have tried to get the Michael Stewart prison. That's all I'm saying.

All right, Mike, what do you got? Shop owner in Virginia shows up to work, goes inside, and he finds that the shop is in disarray. There are bottles of booze just smashed all over the ground and they're like, you know,

certainly freaked up. Somebody broke in here. Yeah, you're like, oh, crap. We got robbed and they vandalized. What's going on here? And as they're checking out the damage, they end up in the bathroom and right next to the toilet

is a passed out drunk raccoon Wow All right Plot twist A The raccoon had fallen through the ceiling And apparently

After a bender No no this before Oh Like it came through the ceiling That's how it ended up in there Yeah and then it just Went to town Started doing raccoon things

And breaking some Blockees and then wanted to sample the I never think of the animals being able to get drunk. They can. And so this. They got brains. They had a passed out raccoon that got drunk and wrecked the place.

Yeah. Local officials said he was quote, very drunk. Oh, that's funny. Wow. Okay. I didn't know that raccoons were capable of such things. And so they said that they needed to, they took him away and they said, probably an IPA. We need to.

He needs to sober. up before questioning. Oh, come on. Ridiculous. All right, we'll take a break and we'll draft. If you need to go back in time a little bit, I understand. I can't remember the last time. Well, it was before I had kids. So what are you going to pick? Jason, you got the first pick. Oh, we got to pick four different categories.

We got strategy here. Yeah. We probably don't have overlap, but you never know. Hmm. I, you know what? I'm going to start with the video game. Okay. And I'm going to do that because I would be the most sad if this one were to

be picked. And I could see it being on the list, at least. When I'm... It's civilization, isn't it, you nerd. See, that's not for hanging out with the boys. That's for, that's for I'm going to disappear for two weeks and you won't see me. Now, this is, that's the point is that this has to be a social game. Yeah. This has to be a game where you're competing against each other. Maybe you're doing some kind of tournament or, you know, I am world class bad at first person shooters. So, That's out for me. You're not doing call of duty. Exactly.

And I want to throwback. And I want to throwback game. Best field game of all time. Purchase some more. So for me. Times a billion. I'm going NBA jam. Oh, okay.

I'm going boom shock. Nice. Yeah, it was on my list. On fire. That's the one that I think would have, we'd just have a blast. The boys would be having fun. We'd put up some kind of big tournament, you know, bracket. and then find out who's best.

Boom, Shakalaka. Thank you. There we go. Okay, so this is interesting because that was on the list. It wasn't on the top of my video game list. I thought about going back to back with the video game thing, but I think I have two I'm kind of fine with there. So I might turn to the snack department right now.

I was confused by this category. Okay. I'm going pizza rolls. Pizza rolls is on my list. Not pizza, pizza, pizza rolls. I'm going pizza rolls because I need I'm going back in time here just pop them in the microwave

maybe the oven and that seems like a night out. The 101 for me in this entire draft for sure would have been just pizza. But I didn't know if that counted as a week we were saying pizza but you know what counts? Pizza rolls. Yeah sure. Or you could have got pizza bagels.

Yeah, but yeah. Because when pizza's on bagels, yeah, yeah. You can eat pizza anytime. But I'm just thinking like if the boys are coming over, you're getting pizza. You're getting pizza. This is something that maybe like... I'm not going to have pizza rolls with my pizza. You know what I mean? No, maybe your mom's like, hey, guys, you want a snack? Yeah. And then you're like, yeah. And she's like, I'll throw some pizza rolls on for you. Thanks, ma. That's what I'm going, pizza rolls. Gotcha.

Mike, you are up. Two picks, though. I got the two picks. So you went with snack. Jason went with a video game. Man. So we are... Okay, I'm going to start. I'm going to go with the movie first. And it was harder to narrow. it down, but I'm going happy Gilmore. Okay, so you went funny. Yeah, we're going with the comedy and all four of us

are going to recite every single line of the movie. Or maybe we might take turns, but at some point at least one person in the room will be reciting the lines along with the film. That's right, the film. That's right. The film.

The esteemed. Best picture. Happy Gilmore. and then album I thought you'd go album I mean it's it was the first one that came to mind because there's a lot of there's a lot of great contenders here

but nothing says 90s hanging out with the boys to me like blink 182 anima of the state which is it is perfect it is a perfect album from from beginning to end

it is nothing but perfect It's a great album. I know you are a monstrous Blink 182 fan, but when you were talking about hanging out with the boys and like having a party and the 90s and the first sound out of your mouth was a beat. I thought you were going beastie boys. You know what I mean? No, no. We were on the list. Oh, is that on your list? We were pop punk. I thought we were cool rebel guys. But no, Blink 182, end of the state. Goodness gracious. What an album. All right. I'm back on the clock. I am going to go a different direction. I want. bullets on the screen so I'm going diehard I'm taking die hard I thought for sure that'd be Mike's pick it was the first thing

I wrote down but then it was like no if we're hanging out with the guys we're going to want to watch it's got the one liners in it there's a lot of diehard is the great

movie of all time some comedy it's great I'm going to go die hard with my pizza rolls yeah that makes that sounds awesome yeah it's so far so good

you're all invited that makes sense you know when I first was putting together my list a lot of movies that, you know, seem like cool, cool, great, you know, my fair movie all the time, Braveheart, that's not a good one for maybe Gladiator.

No, that's the point I'm making. It's not. No, gladiator's a little better. Gladiator's a little better, but it's still not. And then I got to like, maybe you want something more cool, like a John Wick. Yep. And then I just realized, like, I'm not doing any of the, I'm not doing action movies. You're going comedy?

It's got to be funny. Yeah. We're together to laugh. Yeah. And so then I was like, well, then, how about the hangover? It's great. It's funny, an all-timer. But I realized, like, you know, I've seen that a couple times.

And I started thinking, I want a movie, like, this won't be on your guys' list. I want a movie that I want to watch again. I haven't seen it in so long. And I just remember it was hysterical. And I think it would be fun. If we all got together right now, I think we'd have a blast thrown on Tropic Thunder. Okay, okay, okay. You know, if you're going to throw back.

go down you've got to throw back the movies can't make anymore yeah so that would that will be one of my pick I got two picks right now right that's that's problematic oh that's problematic yeah the whole movie so yeah movie night with the boys

we will be playing NBA jam watching Tropic Thunder and we are going to be snacking this is this is such a weird one you're having trouble with snack versus meal. Well, yeah, because everything I want is a meal. Like, I want like,

you can't eat snacks to the brain of them. You know, pizza. I know. It's not a snack. So then I'm between two actual snacks. And I'm just going to pick what I want. This is the hard wants with the hard ones. It's a weird one. That is the game. We're going to have endless beef jerky. We're going to have tons of. Everyone gets their own bag of old trapper, not a sponsor. should be a sponsor, beef jerky, everyone gets their own bag. I get two. I had a buddy. Beef jerky is a good pick growing up.

Nothing wrong with that. And him and his dad would make beef jerky? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Holy crap. From all the neighborhood cats. Well, I mean, I didn't ask what was in it. No, beef jerky is a good pick, Jay.

Home-made beef jerky is. That's great pick. So you got NBA Jam, Chopic Thunder, and some beef jerky as a snack. Man, this sounds like a fun. Mike hasn't picked a video game yet. The thing is, is I have two that I'm totally fine with. Same. and so then

you can't hurt me no matter who you are so wait do I already did my movie already did my snacks I mean

no I have only one video game um all right listen my my my album

I don't know why this is what I want to play but this is what I want to play lifehouse oh that got him that was an

uppercut it's just the worst thing you could ever put on for a boy's night come on guys let's go following even more

and love with you uh no quite whatever the opposite of lifehouse is I'm going credence clear water revival Willie and the poor boys I'm getting the Vietnam style music plan bro you're going with CCR I'm going fortunate son on the radio

I'm going some folks are born I love it wave the flag come on over boys I am I'm shocked and I love it that's what I'm going with it's just CR Yeah, yeah, that seems like a good time

That's what I'm going Mike, you are back You got to pick your video game You get to pick your macaroo Snack snack Snack It's not flashy It just gets the job done

It's one of It's still my kind of go-to Chip snack I'm taking the Doritos Just nacho cheese Just look It's a little plain Jane of a pick That's fine

But you know what it gives the job done No, I don't know I mean you're You took nachous There's Yeah, nach cheese You've got something. Doritos, nacho cheese.

Where your fingers, now all that grease gets on the controller. Yeah, on the controller, which I have, that was, that's a key part of the, definitely a problem. The boys night. That's a real, yeah, it's a real, real issue. I was between, I was maybe going to go chips and dip, but I didn't know how many dips you'd, you guys would let me have. See, and that's the problem. Unless you said chips and dips. Ooh.

If you said dips, then we can't fight you. Chips and dips would have been solid. Chips and dips would have been great because I want a whole spread. I want like ruffles with sour cream, you know, the French onion, sour cream, but then I want chips and salsa with tortilla. I should have got chips and dips. Chips and dips. Why is it always chips and dip and dip and not chips and dips?

Yeah, because a lot of times it is dips, but when you have dips, you don't call them dips. You say, I got chips and dip. Weird. All right. Let's not overanalyze that one. And my video game with the two picks. I feel like I know both of your. Who wrote Doritos into the into our show doc?

That's what I said. Is that what Al did? Is it Doritos with an apostrophe? Yes. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Does Dorito own something? Yeah, because I just thought that looked ridiculous.

Mr. Dorito? Yeah, there's no apostrophe. Okay. That's why I thought it was so silly. This is Doritos chips. Sorry. It's like, it just got me. All right, Mike.

Your video game. Like I said, I had two. So I'm wondering if you'll take one of my two or not. Um, I'm trying to think of, man, the best times with the bros. Yeah, this is where, this is where I, I struggle. I feel like, I'm just going to talk about it. I feel like I thought you were going to, your, your go-to would probably be Super Smash Brothers. It's on the list.

I'm very torn. But I didn't know if you go back further. I'm torn between really three. No, the best times, the best times with the bros, perfect dark. Okay. It was perfect dark. Yeah. Look, golden eye, great.

That's the pick on my. my list. GoldenEye set the stage. It was, we needed Gold and I. Perfect Dark is a better game. We needed GoldenEye so that GoldenEye walked so Perfect Dark could run. It was a much better game. You had to go buy the stupid

extra $40 piece so you could buy the $80 Nintendo cartridge. Yeah. Perfect Dark. Those out there that know, they know. Yeah, if you know you know. I won't go GoldenEye because I don't want to take the inferior version of Perfect Dark, although it was the center of the... It's the more

popular. Yeah, and the music is better. But I'll go Mario Kart. Okay. I think I'll just go Mario Kart because that game you can play endlessly. And it's competitive always because they built it to be competitive no matter what with the handicaps. And so you always have a

close finish in every race and you don't care. As soon as they brought that blue shell in. Yeah, that really wrecked the world. So pizza rolls with diehard, some CCR is blaring and I'm playing some Mario Kart. And I'm staying up all night. Jason, you have, what do you have left?

I've just got my album. Oh, your album. And this is, this is, I left it for last, because I needed more time. Hanson. I think I have come up to a conclusion that I'm really just going with what I like. Now what's necessarily popular. Because I, there's so many things that I do like that I think are more popular. Metallica Black album, love it, Nirvana, awesome.

sure um you know i grew up listening to more hip hop you know the black album j z or or uh m and m my favorite first album bush 16 stone but in the end if this is a party i want more i want more and i'm getting a double album i'm going with melancholy and the infinite sadness from smashing pumpkins okay you don't remember how many there's a two album you got tonight tonight you got zero bullet with butterfly. That's all I remember from it, though, is I remember the hits. I had it. Yeah, there were a lot of other songs, too. But, I mean, 1979,

33. Smashing pumpkins. Yeah. All right. Well, that is it. We figured out our best night with the boys. We figured out Doritos is not a possessive word. And I guess that's what I learned today. What did we learn today?

I learned that carnivores eat mostly meat and that 30% of their meals can be berries, which I don't know why that doesn't make them an omnivore. And I learned that by times a billion, that Jason's a flag out. He's going to say, when he says

times a billion, it means he slightly prefers something. Maybe. That'll do it for today's Spitballers episode. Thanks for joining us. Appreciate you all out there listening. And we'll be back with episode 3.50 next time. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers

podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, Check out spitballerspod.com.