Spitballers Comedy Podcast - The Great Bee Sting & Childish Insults - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: November 7, 2024

Spit Hit for Nov 7th, 2024: Today we talk about push-up efficacy, eating boogers, and The Goodwill Phenomenon. We also have some Liar, Liar on the show! Then we go back to grade school and draft some iconic childish insults. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Welcome into the spit bars podcast. I was watching you on the monitor and your normal preparations for the scat what you do, you have your eyes closed, you have a very specific Bob where you're trying to feel the music and I'm watching the monitor and you're just staring at your laptop and I'm not connecting to the buzzer. And I'm like, does Jason even remember that it is his turn? And it judging by the scat, it seemed like you did not. So I knew it was my turn, well aware,

and was gonna hop in and do just the best scat when the time come. You were going to. There was the plan. Unfortunately, I was reading. I was reading on my laptop and I was like, I'll have time and then. I thought you were saying you were reading

the script to your scat and that's what you wrote up. That would be even worse. No, so I was like, I thought I had more time to read something that was on my laptop. Turns out I didn't, and then I just fell down a mountain. It was a lot of fun. I can honestly say that was one of the most fun scats I did, while also saying that might be the worst one I've ever done. So I are thousand see that the the tens

of thousands of spare ones. That was fun for one person. Yeah, spin ballers episode 234. Welcome in. Andy Mike and Jason. How Borland Judge Tiamati in the house. Would you rather liar liar? Oh, yeah, baby. Hey, I got to tell you something. So we're making lunch earlier. I'm in the kitchen. Jeremy already is like, Oh, he's, he's going to say this out loud because you're a chef. Yeah, I am a chef. I was cooking, uh, you know, a gourmet meal of some shrimp and pasta, but Jeremy walks in, Al Borland himself, and he just goes, I'm so nervous. I was like, why? It's just, I always get really nervous on liar liar days.

This was hours ago that he was freaking out about- I said stressed, got nervous. Oh, I'm so sorry. Wow. So you get a little bit sweaty when it's liar-liar time? I do, yeah. Is there... Afraid that you're going to be beaten? No.

Like it's not good enough? Just stressed. Okay, sure. What is the stress level now that in recent history we have... I mean, the streak's over. We have beaten you. Yeah, there's that asterisk. Okay, okay. Asterisk.

Every time you've been beaten it's an asterisk. So far it's a one-off, so we'll see. All right, hope we'll find out today. But it was recent. It's gonna be fun. We'll get into that shortly. Let's start with some Would You Rather. Would You Rather?

Would you rather? Would you rather? Would you rather? Would you rather? Would you rather? Would you rather? All right, Alexander from the website, would you rather have to do 150 pushups or run one mile every day?

Oh, man. So it's a daily task. This is, so at first I was like, okay, there's benefits to both. There's cons to both. And while I think about it further, I believe there is only a benefit to one and it is a great benefit. And there are massive, awful downsides to the other for me. Oh.

I was going to ask you... There's benefits for me. Oh, I was going to ask you benefits for both. There's two follow ups to this question or maybe things to evaluate through the lens of one, which would you if you could just choose, which would you rather have the results of for free every day? Okay. And the other question is which would actually take you more time to accomplish? Which I have to imagine the pushups

are gonna take more time. For sure. Cause you're doing sets, right? You're gonna be doing 10, to get to 150, maybe you're doing 10 at a time. You're gonna go further? Maybe you start with 20, I don't know. But I'm guessing you're doing some sets, 25 at a time?

You're probably doing 15 at a time. Okay. And you do 10 sets. You're not doing those all right in a time? You're probably doing 15 at a time. OK. And you do 10 sets. You're not doing those all right in a row. There you go, 10 sets of 15. That's a lot of pushups, man. You're probably breaking it up morning, noon, and night. That's a lot of pushups.

That's a lot of pushups. I'm doing 15 sets of 10. Yeah. Not 10 sets of 15. I think that's the smarter way to go. Because I think I'm going to run out of gas. Yeah. What you've got to do is you've got to do do 50 in the morning 50 in the middle of the day

Oh and 50 at night. No, you're right You're right, but the results of running a mile like like just the benefits it that is nothing There's there's absolutely what there is no benefit to one mile a day if you if you that false. And if you just, you get your alarm for this and you just turn and you just with every, it's only a mile. In my opinion, one mile is whatever you got on, you can do it. You don't got to get dressed up for a mile. So just turn and run at the door and hit that mile in a loop and come right back. 10 minutes max, you're back

at your front door, it's over. If I live- Is that why you don't think it'll do anything for you is because it's only 10 minutes of time? Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, that's part of it. If I live my lifestyle that I live right now, I don't change my eating habits, I don't change anything else, I just happen to run a mile every day. My cardio will improve, obviously, I'm running a mile every day.

So there's, okay, that's a little obviously. I'm running a mile every day. So there's, okay, that's a little better. I'm not changing my body shape. That's not going to happen. A mile a day, I'm 100% positive. Are you sure? Not with that attitude. Not with my eating habits. No way. It's not enough exercise in a cardio fashion to actually calorically change. I mean, maybe I'm five pounds less and I stop there. So it burns 100 miles. I mean, sorry, 100 calories.

Exactly. Running a mile is going to burn 100 calories. It could stop the expansion though. Sure. Stave off the inevitable. Compare that. We're all really just looking to stop getting larger at this point. I've got to get smaller. Yeah. I'm not just like, but compare that to,

if you did 150 push-ups a day, you're jacked. You are straight up jacked. Your arms are going to be looking good. You're going to be more muscular. And honestly? You won't get jacked. You'll look toned. 100 push-ups burn 30 to 50 calories.

But you grow muscle. Yeah, no, I'm just bringing it up. So over time, I might lose more weight doing 150 push-ups, having muscles that are just taking more energy through the day. I think I would look better. I would be stronger. There would be a lot more results from push-ups

than one mile a day. I feel like. I think you're overlooking the health benefits of running a mile a day. Why don't we all just do 150 push-ups than one mile a day. I feel like... I think you're overlooking the health benefits of running a mile a day. Why don't we all just do 150 push-ups a day though? Yeah, because we could do that real... not easily like... Doing 50 is not a big deal. So it's done. I'm not saying in one... We did that a long time ago in the office where we did build up to doing 50 in one set. Like take 30 minutes and you could knock out 50 push-ups.

Less than that. How long do you think it'll take you to do 50? I did 50 like a couple weeks ago. It wasn't the best time. But it doesn't take that long. But it doesn't take no 30 minutes. It's like three sets with, I'm sorry, five sets with like a minute in between each set. Okay. So you're talking about 15 minutes or something?

Yeah, maybe even less. Maybe less. And you just do that three times. I feel like you could do that three times a day. Now, Al, you said that- Right, but you said you could do a mile in 10 minutes. That's accurate, yeah. But I mean, if you're agreeing with Jason's premise

that it's more beneficial for you, I was kind of saying, why don't we do this? But the other- Because you don't want to get down on the ground. And push your body weight up into the air. Have you ever sat down on a couch? Yeah, but the best collapse ever, the most cozy collapse is the pushup collapse.

Right into the ground for a nap. Hal, do you do pushups every day? Most days. You do? Yeah. How many? For real? I do. Okay, so I retract what I said. Oh my. I mean I thought if you do push-ups every day you could tell. Jeremy you look good. Thank you. You look- I followed you immediately. The jokes aside, I only asked because I thought you probably did. Oh yeah, I don't do 150 but I usually do sets of

20 to 25, 2 to three times a day. Wait, you separate them out? How long have you done that? Like before bed and after you wake up? For years, Jason. What? Yeah. I love you. I love you too. Oh, man.

I don't love your tone. No, no. I'm, this is a moment going on I want to back away from. Oh, I really thought that I would get more out of pushups Yeah, no, that's that's what I would love to have But you had Jeremy's a very very strong. This is a mom Do you run a mile every day? Not at all.

Oh man. Which one, in your opinion, do you think would be more beneficial? Running. See, I agree. I think it's the running overall. Okay. I think this is a stupid cop out that I hate when people say I'm going to totally say it though.

But for my weight, I feel like if I went out to run a mile, I run a mile every day, my knees are not surviving. I would- Well, you're not running straight for the whole mile every single time. You should be a walker. Yeah, power walk. It'd be better to walk five miles than to run one for both your knees and for your cardio, I would assume.

Yeah, but not for the time. No, not for the time. That's a long time. Walking five miles. Walking a mile is probably like 15 minutes? Yeah, probably, I'm guessing 12. Maybe longer, huh? Closer to 20.

Oh gosh. Really, if you're just walking? So that's like an hour walk. I mean not power walking? Yeah. Yeah. All right, so we committing to the 150? No, I'm running a mile.

Yeah, Jason. Jason committing to the 150. No, I'm running a mile. Jason got some new information. You guys are the worst. Hey, don't, don't, don't allow me. Yeah, you're right. Jason's the worst. I agree. Thank you. I don't, I don't mean to be insulting.

It's just mind blowing. You thought liar, liar was going to be the problem on this episode. This one's going into the annals of history. Wow. I can't wait for this draft for you guys to give me some names to call Jason. Oh, I'll give you some names. I got a good one on my list for me. John from Patreon, would you rather step on a Lego barefoot at a random point in your morning every day

or get stung by a bee once a week at random? Now, this premise is very funny to me because, we all get used to good things, bad things in life, right? Like, you know, there are certain things that you have to deal with. That's just part of being a human being, right? We all go to the bathroom and you know, these functions of life. And if part of my routine in life was I always have an unexpected stepping on a Lego at a random point in the morning, I guess you just get used to it. Well, it's just every day.

It's not necessarily the morning. But that means that if you go through the morning and you- It says a random point in your morning. Oh, I just saw- You thought a random part of your foot? I know, I just, I saw every day. Oh, I got you. So I was thinking if you go to work and you're like,

wait, I haven't stepped on the Lego yet. And you get all the, oh crap. You're not doing your workout in the morning in this world. Well you gotta... Because I don't want to do a barefoot one. Workout and shoes. You shouldn't work out barefoot anyway. Oh it's barefoot. Oh okay okay. It just manifests inside of your shoes. Oh man that would be a... I was picturing... And then it's gone. You're running the mile and you're waiting for that foot to come down. I have never been stung by a bee. I have never been stung by a bee. I have never been stung by a bee. I have never either. That has to be. I assume I'm

allergic. That keeps me safe. When I tell people that I haven't been stung by a bee they're always shocked. You have three people here that have never been stung. There's no way Al has never been stung. I have been stung by a bee. Bruxy? Yeah that's wild guys. Isn't? Yeah, I remember growing up. Fear keeps you safe, children. I remember growing up being told that everyone- Did you get stung? Have you been stung? Oh, sorry, man. Yeah, I was stung lots of times. Yeah, most people get stung. Growing up- I don't have any skills. I heard- Dangerous, stay away from them. In your life, you will break a bone and you will get stung

by a bee. Those are guarantees. That's what I was told growing up. And I fully assume that you will get stung by a bee. Those are guarantees Like that's what I was told growing and I fully assumed that you had been stung baby. Yeah No, I have my kids have all been stung multiple times. Yeah, my daughter was stung in the face Yeah In a pool the bee was just like on on the water came up and this is terrible I mean, we're we're about the 40 year old age right around and Give or take that's a combined 120 years of not being stung by a bee and any any of us three could be horribly allergic. We don't even know probably are Probably are that being said One That being said, I think I would-

One of us is dying by beastly. I mean, it's the only way. Oh, My Girl style? Oh. Was that too soon? Too soon. Too soon for a sweet, when was that, early 90s? Yeah.

I don't even know what you're talking about. What? You don't know the My Girl- 91. Macaulay Culkin? That movie? That movie? Yeah, so sad. Why is it sad?

Cause she dies from a bee sting? Cause he- Cause he, I thought it was Culkin. I've never even seen the movie. Now Macaulay Culkin was the bee in this movie? Yes. He is the murderer. I've never seen this movie.

It's all just a metaphor. It's all just a metaphor. I thought it was Colkin. No he's definitely in that movie. No he is in the movie but I think it's the girl that died. I thought it was. I thought it was the girl. Hold on. This is gonna blow my mind. I've lived my entire life never seeing that movie. Never trying to see that movie. So you haven't even seen it and you're getting mad at me. I just have some assumptions. My girls be sting. Oh yes the boy's the boy yeah okay you've seen

the movie no I never saw I loved that movie but apparently I remembered it wrong he is killed by the bees due to his allergy yeah all right this is not a good topic yeah that's lighten it back up no no we just children stay away from bees oh boy oh boy people general, bees are the worst. So what you, I'm not going with this bee sting thing. I am going the bee sting. Why are you? Because it's once a week.

Once a week. But it's any part of your body, you don't know. I actually prefer that. I prefer the complete randomness of where it could be. Every single day stepping on the Lego. It'll be fine. I feel like my feet are going to be torn up. Yeah, it'll be fine.

This doesn't make you immune to bees other than the one thing a week, right? Right. So you can't let go running through like beehives. You're guaranteed one a week. Minimum one. Yeah, but I mean- Maximum a million. Yeah.

I think it would be really- There's no maximum. There's no limit. Really funny to just see at random in life. I could be sitting here right now and then just get basically a little electrocution that you don't know what's happening. Yeah. So I'm used to it.

Yeah. I mean, it's, yeah, the, the bee sting thing is weird because I know the bees killing itself by choosing to attack me. So in some ways I find it insulting that I haven't yet to be stung. You weren't worthy enough of a bee sting? Yeah. Bees are psychotic, man.

They don't know what they're doing. They gotta be making a choice. They're flying by the three of us and they're going, this is not today. They're not supposed to be able to fly, like just aerodynamics and science. Because of those cabooses? Because bees don't make sense. They don't make sense all right yeah they make

honey oh they make that schmuck Steve from the website would you rather commute oh wait we didn't officially vote I'm going I'm taking the Lego I'll take the beast thing all right Steve from the website would you rather communicate exclusively through singing with your wife or your children? So you have to choose, do you sing only to your wife or only to your children? Man, I think it's really hard to yell properly while singing.

Oh, no, because part of, would you consider, like, you know, like a- Get your laundry off the floor. No, no, like, so a band like Slipknot, like a new metal band. Oh. There's a lot of singing, and there is a lot of shouting. OK, so you're saying I could be like, put on your shoes! Well, yeah, I mean, that's not really-

Put on your shoes. Yeah. Put on your shoes. That's not singing. How is that not singing? I decided it wasn't. I kind of agree with Andy on that. What?

I think there are some people that would be very upset with that take. I'm confused. How is that not singing? Because I can do it right now. No, now you were just talking. What you did before, you were being, you were rhythmically, you were-

Oh, so it's rhythmic. You were modulating your tone. There was no melody. So? OK. I guess if you sing poorly, it's still singing. I have heard some pretty amazing metal or screamo singers that the voice that comes out when they talk

and the voice that comes out when they yell, sing, pretty impressive. Got to get the technique down. So, but anyways, your kids or your wife? Hmm. I feel like I'm gonna talk to my wife a lot more over the rest of my life than to my children, as sad as that is.

No, it's probably true. No, I know, I'm saying that's true, it's sad, but it's true because, you know, how often do I talk to my dad now? I love my father, he's awesome. Well, your wife's not leaving when your kids turn 18. Exactly, that's my point. Hopefully.

This is, you know, I hope to be married to my wife, you know, until I depart. Until the bee sting. Until the bee sting. Until the great bee sting. So, I feel like I've gotta. Until the bee sting. Until the bee sting. Until the great bee sting. So I feel like I've gotta pick the kids here just fine. It's a little bee with a sickle. See, I was imagining just a giant bee.

This thing is three feet around. This is going to hurt really bad. Sorry. You're going with your wife. Why does a bee talk like that I don't know like their body makes the buzz so why does their voice do it yeah no I'm not going your time I'm not going with the wife I'm going to speak to my wife and sing oh I got you got you that that makes sense I think I'm with you on that. The great bee sting at the end of our lives.

I hope my wife and I both get stung at the same time. At the same time. Like the notebook. The ending of such a great movie. It was the great bee sting. Got him. We can run into a hive together. That's the end of a movie. Mike, which one are you going to go with? Singing to your kids? I'm a man of logic, and Jason's argument is sound. That was easy. That one's easy.

All right. You guys want to take them down. Let's do it. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This month is all about gratitude and sometimes maybe just go out of your way to let that person know that you are thankful to have them in your life. They help you and they should know about it. But there's someone who doesn't get the thanks that they often deserve and it's just it's ourselves. It's sometimes hard to remind

ourselves that we're trying our best to make sense of everything and in this crazy world that isn't easy and that's where talk therapy can get into the picture. I fully support it. Look sometimes those problems they're just they're too big for you to handle on yourself so you got to talk to a professional every once in a while, and that's okay. It is beneficial. And if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash ballers today

to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash ballers. ["Better Help Theme Song"] ["Better Help Theme Song"] Liar, liar, pants on fire. I mean this- What are we doing in round one? This is the... What are we doing? This is the...

I'm going to set the stage. We're entering Liar Liar once again. Two truths and a lie without three rounds. Probably going to beat him. If we do, this may be the most epic show we've ever done in terms of oh negative effect on our producer for sure First I go home tonight cry. I'm gonna need a well this week. Yeah So Here we go round one

fact number one if One were to explore Uranus they would find that Uranus is so wide that approximately 42 Neptunes could fit inside it. Okay, so the... I thought they officially moved it back to Uranus. Well, I wish you would have told me that about two seconds ago. I just wanted to see which one you'd go with. Well, I've never heard Uranus. Who's they, by the way?

I've never heard Uranus in my life. I believe that... Somebody who's maybe been picked on a little too much. No, I believe Degrass Tyson goes with Uranus. Well, all right. Yeah, I'm going to go Uranus. I choose.

I choose Uranus. Oh, we are children. So 42 Neptunes width-wise. OK. OK, I'm not sure. The second one, if one were to explore this is all your What are we doing? I'm sticking with my pronunciation if one were to explore your anus they would find that your anus is a lopsided oddity

likely due to a violent impact interesting lopsided I I'm feeling good about that being true The third one if one were to explore yourus, they would find that Uranus produces winds up to 500 miles per hour. That smell of rotten eggs. I am locking in the first one as the lie. I do not believe there is that level of size difference between Uranus and Neptune. Yeah, I'm going with my initial gut. So if that one were true, that means Uranus is very large. If it is very large,

I find it difficult with the way gravity works that it could be lopsided. Yeah, that one does make sense to me. I'm taking the lopsided as the incorrect. Okay, so I'm locking in it is not that wide, you're locking in that it is not that lopsided. Yeah. It is a, you know, of course the pun continues because it is a gas giant. Yeah. So it will, maybe if it's smelling of sulfur or whatever. Uranus is a gas giant. Whatever the run.

We are the winner. Al's the worst. We just play with the cards we're dealt. You can't expect us to get through how many? One, two, three, four, five, six times I have to say Uranus. I think Uranus is very round, Mike. I feel like for it to be a planet, that's how gravity works. If there's a core, it's a sphere, right? I'm going with that one. I'm with Jason. All right. Well, maybe some of us will move on. Andy, you will move on. Jason and Mike will not. They're pretty close in size, I'm guessing.

Yes. Uranus and Neptune are almost exactly the same size, but 63 Earths will fit inside Uranus. So it is. Oh my children. It's the same joke over and over, and we can't stop laughing at it. It's like the first time. Yeah, I mean.

So it's lopsided? Yeah, apparently like four billion years ago, a rock the size of Earth hit the planet, and it now is the only planet that spins on its side. Boom. So now I'm the last great hope. Yeah, well, you'll take it down.

I'm still going to play. Round two. Got to beat Mike. Foxes are one of the few tribal fecal species in the animal kingdom. They almost never poop alone. It's a good rule. They typically take turns pooping as a pack. While the pack mates stand guard,

it seems smart, I don't know if it's true. Clever, what's the phrase? Like clever as a fox, something like that? Yeah, that's true. That would make sense. That is the phrase. That they guard themselves while pooping. Fact number two, female mayflies are born, mate,

lay eggs and die within about five minutes. I could, born, mate, lay eggs and die. I can see that being true. Yeah, cause what, a mayfly is probably in a, what is it, like a cocoon? I'm trying to think of- What is a mayfly? Are they being born in a,

they're like the mosquito catchers. No. Oh wait. Yeah. Is that a mayfly? I think so. Then this is not, Yeah, he's, Owl's nodding.

The alleged mosquito hawk. Yeah, correct. Oh really, that's a mayfly. This is not true. This is not true. Oh wait, female ones. Mm-hmm. Because the male ones get in your house

and they live there for infinity. And they live there for infinity. They there forever. My point was that like when it says they're born I'm thinking they're in a cocoon and then they would be fully mature therefore they could mate late. I think it's true. The third one, there is a species of sponge-like fungus belonging to the Spongiforma genus with the scientific name of Spongiforma squarpansy. That is... Scientists are doing... They do crap like this all the time. That is 100% has to be true. Yes. I mean, I have no doubt that that is true. So now it's... It's the greatest accomplishment of a scientist career out there. They just name it.

They said at home cackling like I named it SpongeBob SquarePantsy. I mean, it's the only problem is we've played so much Liar Liar for so long. That I'm concerned that we're getting to the point now where he will put something like this in that we know is obviously is obviously true that is a dumb lie like I don't know how many levels deep we are this is the princess bride argument it is but I feel like if he's so stressed that's the kind of thing he's going into to me I think the Mayfly one I'm gonna think I think that one's true I just can't decide between the spongebob I'm going with the Fox's I'm locking that one's true. I just can't decide between the SpongeBob. I'm going with the foxes.

I'm locking that one in. So I- Because mayflies live forever. I learned a lesson a long time ago that Al Borland is a liar. Yes, he's a good one. Because there was a dog poop one, the dog's only poop facing like north or south.

I have seen my dogs take a dump a different direction and so I'm not I'm not playing with this poop truth because I'm sure it's I'm sure it's a lie but it's gonna be true I am 100% saying they do not have they do that mayflies can't do all that in five minutes I am going to lock in the sponge of forma square pansy as the lie. How happy are you, Al? I'm relieved. I tried to tell you.

Which one's the lie? The lie was the foxes. Why are you playing the horn? I got it right. Yeah, but nobody can win the game but me. Yeah, but I got that one right. You did. You and Andy are each one for two right now.

That is disappointing because it was definitely between those two. Dude. And I out-thought myself. The mayflies in your house will be there until you move. The males can live about two days. The females do all that in about five minutes. Wow. I don't believe it. Round, you're just letting them in all the time.

You can't stop them! If there is a light on, there will be a hundred of them on your wall going Hello. Yeah. Hello. The bayflies are here. What's they're out right now. Yes. I know they're the worst What's crazy is if you we live forever if you? At like your back door and you see one on the outside They're already in your turn around and they are there they are on the wall and you see one on the outside. They're already in your house. You turn around and they are there. They are on the wall. And you go, how did that happen?

They can go through glass. They can. If you see one, that means there's 50 in your walls. I'm so disappointed. All right, round three. Great, more words to pronounce. The Moriko Aoki. Sounds perfect.

Phenomenon is an expression referring to the sudden urge to poop that is felt upon entering a bookstore or library. Uh-huh, uh-huh. I have felt that before. No, I, wait, that's a real thing? I think, I think there is a calming influence of those environments that somehow rests from, like the smell of the paper in the ink.

Something like that, man. I do. Do people who work at the newspaper have constant diarrhea? No, just really well-regulated bowel. I don't think it's exclusive. Which they can then wipe with the newspaper. This type of a phenomenon I don't think is exclusive. To bookstores or libraries, like ink and paper,

I know someone who... Someone. Someone. Someone. That has a sudden urge. Who every single time they go in like a Goodwill. They have to poop. Wait a minute. Is that the Goodwill store?

Yeah. Something in the smell. You know someone. Yeah. Is this person listening right now? They might be. They might be. It is, yeah. The good will good poop.

Do they ever get backed up and then hit the shit up and go to the good will? That's a good idea. I haven't been able to poop in days. I gotta go to the good will. Be right back. Fact number two, in ancient cultures, people believed that the shape, color, and consistency

of their poop held mystical properties. They would consult interpreters to provide the significance of their bowel movements for guidance in their daily lives. Oh, man. mystical properties. They would consult interpreters to provide the significance of their bowel movements for guidance in their daily lives. Everything that has ever happened would have happened in the past. Fact number three, a baby koala will stick its head out of its mom's pouch and nuzzle her butt. The mother will then ooze out a protein rich substance called fecal pap from which the baby koala will eat since they cannot yet digest eucalyptus

leaves. This can't, I can't have this be true guys. Cause you love koalas. I love koalas. It's too gross for your vision of koalas. They are like the most adorable, cuddliest, cute animal. No, this is true. But if they're poop eaters, protein-rich substance eaters. Protein-rich substance eaters. Okay, so man, this is tough because.

I went first last time. As we read through, I thought, okay, the bookstore one is true because of the Goodwill Poop because I know someone because I know the goodwill phenomenon The ancient cultures one I feel like has to be true because I Feel like you can't make that up because you don't know it could be true

You could say it's a lie, but it's probably yeah. Yeah, if you made this up, you're like, well, hold up. I'll go find out that this is true. So I feel like that has to be true, and then. I don't want to believe this about koalas. I don't either. But it also makes a little bit of sense. But I mean, how do you get from the pouch all the way to the butt?

Yeah, I was just going there. I feel like that's the fallacy. Is the pouch close enough to the butt. Yeah, I was just going there. I feel like that's the fallacy. Is the pouch close enough to Uranus to bring it back? Oh, man. I think for the sake of our view of Koalas. Yeah, I'm going to lock in Koalas. I'm locking in Koalas. Let's go.

All right, all the Koalas. All right, Andy and Mike tied with one win apiece. Oh man. You guys all got that one wrong. The lie was the ancient cultures. Are you sure? Yeah, look it up. Are you sure?

I made it up. Yeah, you made it up, but it's also probably true. People probably should do that. I'm gonna find that, I'm gonna do some research. Are you feeling, now when the show gets to this point now and you have won this time, do you feel like is all the pressure and the stress from earlier in the day, is that all gone?

Yeah, yeah, my underarms will take a while to dry out but I feel great. All right, good start, bad finish. Mike, congratulations, we're one for three. We did it. Can make it in majoring baseball. Imagine doing them all wrong. You guys won.

I was gonna say you guys won with one. Yeah. All right. Win's a win. Let's draft. The Spitballers draft. Well, well, well, we are drafting best childhood insults. So we have all been children before. And there were some go to childhood insults that I think are going to be drafted today.

And Jason gets the first pick. Some are timeless. Yes. And some are from like our childhood, you know, in the 90s. But when I start, there's a whole list. I have like a five pack of insults that all start with the same word. Yeah, there will be some overlap. And so I'm looking at this and I'm going, I don't wanna draft a second one. I need to take which one I like the best at number one. And so I'm gonna go with just a classic butt face.

Yeah, it's the top of my list. Yeah, it's the 101. I mean, you're a butt face, man. Okay. It's the best one. I mean, butt face is really good. I think that's a great pick and, and there are variants. Oh yeah. I'm sure regions did different things around the country. I, I have lost this word in my vernacular and I really need to focus on bringing it back. Yes. Put some energy and effort, maybe journal about it.

Call someone a butt face today. I'm going to do that, Mike. Outside of here, I'm going to call someone a butt face. Somebody's going to call you a butt face right after the show. I know that. All right. Well, my 101 is still here. Okay.

And for me, this has been a, some members of your team, they have a very good year and they peak, and then they don't help your team for a long time. This is like the veteran. This is like the player on your roster that, they're good year in and year out. Not a flash in the pan. Not a flash in the pan. This is a hall of famer that's just been there and they they're a leader. Interesting. And it's simple and I still use it

and it's wonderful and it's your mama. That's your insult. Or your mom. It is the best insult. I mean I'll allow it. Because it allows, what you don't think is an insult Yeah, no, because it's a response. I just yeah the I will I will fully allow say almost anything on this earth to me And if I don't like it, I can throw it back. Yes at your mom. Yeah your mom I mean, it's it's a good it's a but it's more like a retort Mm-hmm, that is because you don't you're going to open up a conversation of, hey Andy, your mom. If you have not said anything to me, then my insult does nothing. I feel like the retorts are also part of this equation. If you don't want it, that's fine. No, no, we're good. If you call me a butt face. Your mom, see? You can do it. That works.

It says I can say your mom. It doesn't make any sense, but we say it. We do say it. And we are insulted by it. Don't you talk about my mom. That's right. That's right. So that's my 101. All right.

I'm going to open up the draft. Man, butt face. It's a good one. You would also hit people with this though because I think that the true insult is insinuating that you like it and you call someone a fart sniffer mmm it's on my list it's on my list oh absolutely a fart sniffer that's a good one no one wants, you know, the idea that you might enjoy a good sniff. Right. All right, Mike, that's a good one. And so the fart sniffer,

I will back that up. Again, we're going to have a lot of overlap because this one also relates to your face, but it's a very specific time of your life, and I will warn those out there. If you have, if you're a teenager and you have bad acne, this one sucks. Oh no, oh no. Someone calls you the pizza face. Yeah, pizza face, that is it. That one, we all have gone through it, and it hurts.

I was a big Yeah Got annihilated uh-huh, and it's not fun. No look at him now kids Mother there's some other insults that apply now. It's on the list. Is it back to me? Yes it is. Man that one that one's a rough one. It stinks. I'm going with the variant I mean look you guys have introduced two great starter words unfortunately with buttface and fart sniffer. I am going with the more often used by me It's on my list I would have taken it It's powerful I was fully to take the Megazord of

both of yours. I was straight up going to take buttface and fart face. I mean they are. You got pizza face. You're welcome. There are some faces up in here. All right. Face is just is such a good place to attack because it's I mean it's what people see first you're like you got to present a good face and if you are a butt face a pizza face a fart face these are all these are all negatives yeah they're all negatives I'm gonna I'm gonna go a little lower than the face here though I'm here Jeremy this is one you can use against me afterwards lower than the fake more the face weird neck. It's fatty

Oh, that's another brutal pizza face type of thing because you know, you're all a fatty See, I mean not skinny people and that's really mean. Kids, don't do that. Call them a butt face. Oh, man. I didn't know we were going to go down into some childhood horrors. Yeah, kids, don't make fun of people because of their physique or their push-up ability or... Stick with things like butt face.

Well, when you're older and you're learning things, you can express truths. All right, I'm still on the clock, right? I guess. Yeah, you are. All right, I'm going to go with this one because I had these two words kind of on my list as words that I was like, okay, these apply, these are insults, I don't really use them. But then I realized I used them together. It's a hyphenated one word insult. It's stupid idiot. Oh, you're a stupid idiot. It's stupid hyphenate idiot. Yes. Yes.

Because that one is, I use it. When someone's a stupid idiot, that's what they get from me. Stupid idiot. You could, you might be- That's intense. That one hits like a left-right combo. Yeah, exactly right. This is no jab. There's idiots out there. But then there are people who, calling you an idiot is not good enough. You're a stupid idiot.

You're a stupid idiot. All right, well I'm going to take us down a notch. Oh good. To help us out a little bit. I need to bring it back to a much more childhood time when maybe maybe something very subtle does the trick and simple and it's chicken oh yeah you're chicken yeah I mean nobody I mean nobody wants to be thought of his chicken no we're brave we are we are we'll do it I'm not doing that chicken I am doing that so I'm going

chicken that is a tremendous one. Very, I mean that's, that's fantastic. It wasn't on my list and I feel ashamed. That's like the dawn of time. Yeah. That people have been calling each other chickens. All right. So from the fart sniffer. Oh no. Into a, another region on the face and you don't want to be caught with this action Because then you'll be called a booger breath If you are the nose picker in the elementary school and you get caught booger breath Yeah, that way we're in the reader. It would infer that a booger has been into your mouth So now your breath smells of boogers. Did you uh, you take a few booger breath?

So now your breath smells of boogers. Did you uh, did you take a few booger breath insults? Who didn't? Who amongst us has not? I don't know if booger breath circled in my school. No, I don't think Really? I think none of us ate our boogers. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was a year school problem. Yeah sure Roomful of children not eating boogers I don't think booger eating is that Pervasive is it? Ioger eating is that pervasive, is it? Oh yes. I think it's pretty pervasive. Really? Oh yes. I think the math on this, I looked this up probably, and I think it's about five kids per class are pretty into it.

Yeah, that's right. Pretty into it. Another three have tried. Hey man, you checked out those things in the boogers? Just give them a taste. They're up your nose. They're free. Yeah. I don't think I've ever eaten a booger. You lie.

You sit on the throne of lies. I cannot. I mean, maybe when I was like two and I don't have memory. I'm talking to your father. He will have memories of you being a booger breath. So booger breath goes with your pizza face and fart sniffer and you got to round it out now. And this is this is my go-to like we all have your words where you're like I can't say the completely mean and inappropriate thing that I want to say now. So I just go dummy.

You sir are a dummy. That's the one that I will frequently, like if I'm driving with the kids in the car and someone gets, I get cut off whatever, I'm like you dummy. Yeah, yeah I can see it. I feel like, so I've got your mom, fart face, and chicken. Wait, you've got who?

You have, you each have one that kind of cuts to the quick. I mean, like Jason has fatty. And it's just, it's a little too much. That's mean. Mike, I mean, you had pizza face. You're attacking. Also mean. Very mean.

So I'm going to go for a select few kids that unfortunately lost the lottery here. And maybe one of their appendages is slightly larger than the rest of people and we call them schnoz. Oh yeah. Okay. Yep. Sure. I always put an R on that.

Really? Yeah, I was like a schnoz-er. Really? No, we shortened it. Yeah, we made it quick. I like it. Schnauz double Z Double Z? Double Z? Yeah, it is double Z on that. Yeah Jason round out this potentially damaging draft that we are doing. Let's see here So all the real fun ones I feel like are either gone or already kind of taken in a group. So I'm just looking at practicality here. And this is one that is thrown out all the time. It's thrown out on our show. It's thrown out around the office. It's a lot of fun. It's simple. It's classic and timeless nerd Yeah, yeah

Just a nerd. Yeah, I couldn't decide the nerd the dork that the making fun of the four eyes I think nerd all four eyes nerd is a a common one Yeah, we all have we all have the doesn't it doesn't hurt people anymore though. We all blocked it. We blocked four eyes No nerd. Oh yeah, we blocked it. Oh, four. Look at old Four Eyes over here. Did you say we all? Everybody has something. The idea that someone, you're just like, I unfortunately have vision that is not 2020.

We created this great technology. I can see perfectly if I were him. Yeah four eyes What are we doing? What's oh, what are we doing as kids? What's always funny about that one to me is I never understood and obviously when you're called anything like I was My sister growing up called me freckle foot And it enraged me because I have a big freckle on my foot and it was it was the it was literally the biggest problem in our house I mean Frecklefoot was straight up the f-word in our house my parents would have to intervene I would get so mad stop calling me that so I

recognize what I'm about to say is different, but I've never felt like Four Eyes should really feel bad. It's because it shouldn't be. It should not, but it was used to degrade people. If you have something that is the minority of people have it, you're going to get made fun of for it. Not everyone in class has glasses. Only a few kids have glasses, you're going to get made fun of. not everyone in class has glasses only a few kids have glasses You're gonna get made fun of that's just what it is. Yeah, I already had pizza face

So I couldn't go with brace face no brace faces in there Oh, what are you would you correcting your teeth and making them straight snaggle tooth? Oh, yeah, that one feels bad Yeah, that was that was you're not correct Before I went with fart face there was farter. That was where I was headed. That's a quality one. I had a bunch of the retorts. Okay. Which were the like, when you do the times infinity,

when you do the sticks and stones, whoever smelt it dealt it. I know you are, but what am I? Yeah, no, that's a good one. Takes one to no one. Yeah. If you like it so much, why don't you marry it? So you had comebacks.

I think I just had comebacks, yes. So I had to take Buttface 101, because I wanted that group. Was Poopface in there? I had Buttwipe, Buttmunch, Buttnugget. Buttnugget. Buttnugget was the go-to back in the day. Fifth grade, there was one kid in my class,

and I was introduced to the butt nugget and it Oh, but you did it shook me to the core. It was so funny Butthead. Yeah, yeah classic cake eater turd burglar Like a grown-up insult it does like it's a go-to with the kids Yeah. All right any that's a go-to with the kids. You burgle turds. Yeah. All right, any that we forgot there, Al? I think you covered most of them. Yeah, unfortunately.

What did we learn today? I learned that Jeremy does push-ups every day. I learned that push-ups don't do anything. Listen, Frecklefoot. Oh. No! You take that name out of your mouth! Oh, my goodness. What an Out of your mouth. Oh my goodness

What an episode of the show I? Learned I learned that your anus is a little bit lopsided. That's true. Yeah. Oh man well Hopefully Al will be back next week Thanks for joining us. Tell your friends. Don't be a bunch of nerds. See you later.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballersPod.com.