Spitballers Comedy Podcast - The Metal Master & Things That Are White - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 8, 2025

Spit Hit for May 8th, 2025:On this episode, Jason loses it, conversation killers, immortal families and more, plus we explore the mutant benefits of the gluteus maximum variety. We bring it all home with a Things That Are White draft you don’t want to miss. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers 

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ooh, ooh, I like that. then. Ta ba doo ta tip tip ba ba dee ba dee boo. Ooh. Ooh, I like that. Yeah, that's not bad. It had a different pace.

It said, you know what, on today's episode, we're going a little faster. I thought it was a drum kit. It was like a hi-hat, you know, a hi-hat. Ta da da ta ta. It's up to interpretation. That's what all good art is. And this is some of the last remaining art. They can't replace this show with artificial intelligence,

is what I'm saying. At least. Oh, yeah, they can. At least not for a year. Yeah, right now, computers can't comprehend this level of humor. When you say they, you're really talking about us, right? We're going to be the ones replacing ourselves? Yeah, with AI.

We're going to be like, oh ourselves. Yeah, with AI. We're gonna be like, oh, we'll figure this out. Yes. I think if you submitted AI 281 episodes, because this is the 281st episode of the Spitballers podcast, you gave them 281 shows. They should be able to not only, they should be able to make a show. Yeah. No question. And when they're this good, that show should crush. How do you even know that this isn't an AI? show So I think AI would reject the amount of poop jokes

Like AI would have a decency. Yeah, sir. That's really different. No one actually thinks it's that fun I know they say this show is family friendly, but this is an immoral show that is bringing society down. If AI could do the show, we could just play pickleball all day long. Have you thought about that? I'm in. Good. No, okay, I'm in.

I ran all the outcomes. I know Al Borland's in. I ran them all. Which by the way, Al Borland, since we are pickleball fiends. Yeah. Al Borland back there in Deucer's Alley, who is the fiendiest.

He is the fiendiest. He's the most aggressively. I can't even believe he's here right now because that means he's not playing pickleball. Which he is here right now, but you probably have a game right after. I'll be out as soon as we're done with this recording. We have done a ton of pickleball playing out here and I want to give a shout out to some friends

of ours in the pickleball world because Al Borland himself makes an appearance in a pickleball documentary. Wow! You must like playing? No. Oh. It's a good documentary Mike. So you're like watching people be good at the sport? We have a league out here in Arizona and they did a documentary and you can check it out at BreakingPickleball.com and try to find out. I just want to be clear though. He's not playing. Okay. But are you watching? He's watching and eating I think.

On-brand! I don't know if he's eating. I'm not eating. I'm holding my child. But you were eating, right? Oh yeah, I had dinner that night. Just like every other night. Okay, all right. BreakingPicaball.com if you wanna check that out.

We have would you rather, that's a great question, and we are drafting, and we've done some of these drafts before. I didn't know there were so many things that I liked that were this color. We are drafting things that are white. It's pretty easy because there are quite a few staples, if you will, that's-

I wouldn't draft staples. No, they're not. Those are things that are metal. Oh, that's another good draft. Things that are metal? Yeah. Ooh. That's a funny one.

All right, so we are drafting things that are white on today's Ooh. That's a funny one. All right, so we are drafting things that are white on today's show. The Terminator is metal. Yeah, that would be a good pick. Thank you. Great job, Jay. That'll be good for another draft. Know any other things that are metal?

Oh my god. So many things. Really? I know so many things that are metal. You wouldn't even believe it. You'd be like, how does he know all of those metal things? It's like a basketball pole. You know, straight metal. Straight metal. All right, we better get going. Would you rather? Why is Jason is not breathing Jason just almost spit-taked from making himself laugh at his

own metal joke. He's joking. I just got it down. I really almost I really almost spit because that's that's equally I think one of my favorite jokes of all time but only because it was literally the stupidest thing. I've said so many stupid things in my life on this show, on the footballers, just the worst, just the worst jokes of all time. And I think that was the dumbest one I've ever made. Declaring how much you know about metal.

Yes, and I'm so proud of myself for that. Mom, I did it. He was laughing so hard that I was 100% sure it was an inside joke about something. No. That you two were laughing at. That's an outside joke. That's an outside joke. Y'all got to participate along. On an outside joke.

All right, this question for Would You Rather comes in from Andy. Oh, I like that name, from Twitter. Would you rather- Sorry. Would you rather, yeah, would you rather understand and be a leading expert in artificial intelligence, as we just talked about, or in space flight and exploration?

Interesting. Here's what I'll say. Space flight and exploration, cool, you're an expert in it. But we're not doing any of that Star Trek stuff, right? Like, we haven't put a person onto the lunar surface in like, what, seven, like 40 years? Well, let me, we're working on it. Yeah, we are, so let me ask you this.

If you're a leading expert in spaceflight and exploration, there is, you know, like SpaceX, they're trying to get people to Mars, right? Let's say in our lifetime, we land a person on another planet. We land a human being on Mars. That is the, you know, that's the Buzz Aldrin moon landing. You know, that's a global event, a marker of human history.

Now there's not much outside of that. When I read this question, I was like, oh, there's so much AI. There's so much use case for this, so little for space flight exploration. But would that one moment make it worth it? Where it's like I was- Yes.

That would do it for you. Yes, that would make it worth it. However, I was, that would do it for you. Yes, that would make it worth it. However, I think, why aren't we just sending a bunch of AI to Mars? Like a bunch of, you know the Boston Dynamics robots and the Tesla's making robots, like why not send? We did, the Rover was there. Yeah, but I'm not talking no Rover.

I want like. Feet, not wheels, come on. No, one to one, every person has its AI avatar that lives on Mars so you put the headset on here then you can go walking around Mars in your robot and everyone's safe. I think the communication timeline from doing some. We can fix that right? I don't think so. There's a pretty wide distance. There's laws that cannot be broken. Eh, what is this, the speed of light thing? Yeah, there's a maximum speed for everything. The, the, where?

Didn't we get live pictures from the moon? Well, they're live, but they're delayed. By how much? Well, the moon is much closer than Mars. You're telling me when I'm controlling my robot on Mars, I move its arm up, it's gonna take like, It's gonna take a few minutes, probably. 45 minutes or something?

No, not that long, but a couple minutes couple minutes really that's not that bad I communicate that quickly I genuinely I that's my belief but I well if you like I believe that's what I had heard but I could be way off the thing work for space flight and exploration is no one no no one will be mad or picketing against your accomplishments. Where as we move forward with AI, as the general public becomes more and more aware of what AI has the ability to do, what it is rapidly moving forward in the ability to do, there will be a backlash. Like there's a backlash coming of people being

really, really angry with AI. Similar to the backlash of the Haley Joel Osmond AI movie? The second half of it. Yeah. The first half was fine. Yeah, so even if you do a movie about AI, there's backlash.

I, but I mean your condition of like, I get to get to Mars. The truth is, is I said no to that one because I don't think anything that's going to happen while I'm alive. You don't think we get to Mars? I think Mars happens. No, not while we're alive. Yeah. How long do you think you'll live?

Just give me 80. Okay. Yeah. So 40 more years. There's no way. There's just no way. I don't think we're going to do it. It's been 50 years since we've been to the moon.

That was, yeah, but that'll make it 90 years between moon and Mars. I want to believe all right like like Ian Mulder would say I want to believe I Think we I think I get older. I think we get somebody it comes down to money I think we stopped going to the moon just because the like the space race was done public interest in going to the moon just because the space race was done, public interest in going to the moon had waned, so the NASA budget got cut. You guys can believe, I don't care. But the man who said we're gonna go to Mars, can't deliver a cyber truck on time.

That's all I'm saying. It's all I'm saying, it's not happening quickly. But 40 more years, I think we'll get there. I'm gonna make my prediction right now. If you chose that one, to be the expert in space, and it happened... Oh I'm not saying I want to be that person. On your 79th birthday, would it still be satisfying as you expire? No.

You know what I mean? No. No. So you can't... I don't want a legacy post-mortem that I don't get to enjoy. So your 40-year window windows not 40-year window No, that's my point. Yeah, that's a good point. How does it have to happen before you are happy? Okay, alternatively The if you're a leading expert in AI

You can control AI. I actually believe that you will be the problem You know robots will take over and you will be the bad guy. You're not a good- That's what I'm saying. I'd rather be the bad guy that knows how to control my army of AI robots. Okay, so- That's what I'm going with. That's bringing up a very good point of,

Well, I mean, I don't know if you can control the AI. I will have the kill switch. You have the best chance of controlling it. All right, final answers. But also, if you are, if you're the leading expert in AI, what are the chances that the Terminator comes back for you? Oh, very. He's 50-50.

No, the Terminator's not coming back for you. Humans are coming back for you. We've seen this. Miles Dyson. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about it backwards. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, Miles Dyson. You're right. You don't want to be Miles Dyson. Yeah. No, you don't. And you do the, he, he, he.

That's a good way to die. That's a good way to die, Tyson. Yeah, you don't. No, you don't. And you do the, he, he, he. That's a good way to die. That's a good way to die, man. I remember watching him die. Yes. Andy is lost. There are dozens of people watching that are like, I know exactly what they're talking about.

It's so exaggerated. I loved it. I loved it. In the moment, I was like, that's a bold choice You know, I wanted to be an actor when that movie came out and I was like, were you moved? Oh, I was like, I was like, okay, go get it. Go get it That's right. You space or AI. I'm AI. Yeah Well, let's move on to this Jim Jim. Annabelle from Patreon writes in.

What's wrong with Annabelle? Would you rather have one butt cheek with a hole in the middle of it? Now you know. It's a belly button. Yeah. Would you rather have one butt cheek with a hole in the middle of it?

Booty button. Or three butt cheeks with two normal cracks and two shoots. Oh! Why'd she say shoots? This is how we know. This is the public knows. This is not an AI-built show. Right.

They would never. So one butt cheek with a hole in the middle of it. I mean genuinely that's like a belly, like if you've got a fat belly, the visual is pooping out of your belly button. Right? That's, yeah. I don't, I think we have, I think we have a beta tester right here. Yeah, I can tell you what it looks like.

But then the double butt cheeks, or the triple butt cheeks double shoots as she puts it. Either way you have a problem with pants, right? Because of where normal pants where the seam is. Yeah, you're gonna need some customs here Yeah, I think the issue is is a crack necessary but is a crack necessary for cleanliness or Alternatively, does a crack get in the way of cleanliness? I think it I think it's better for cleanliness. I think it's worse. I think it was better for cleanliness? I think it's better for cleanliness. I think it's worse. I think it was better for cleanliness

back in the day when we didn't have ways to clean and wash. I feel like if it's just a hole that's on the outside. That's a problem. I feel like you almost need a cap. Yeah. That you gotta screw in. You have a big problem, because you're not sitting on your cheek.

No, you're sitting on your hole. You're saying you're physically gonna hurt. Yeah I'm worried about bacteria. I'm worried about hemorrhoids. I think you could Okay, that's fair. That's a fair worry. Those aren't good. No How big's the hole? Let's say normal normal sphincter size Change I'm just thinking if it was bigger it'd be you know no more constipation stuff I don't think the constipation is is the based upon the size if you have two shoots could one be constipated and the

other one not that's a great question do you have two digestive tracts I think one track I think you got one track that it wise off. So wait, that means they simul poop. Yeah. Yeah. So you're always in sync. You will have a toilet problem. Although, could you, if you've got, you know, I've got control of my bowels. If you could control this.

Everybody give him a round of applause. I'm just saying like. He can control. You know, you go left, right, left, right. Like think about a cow getting milked. No, don't. Don't think about that go left, right, left, right. Like think about a cow getting milked. You know what I mean? No, don't. Don't think about that.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Left, right, left, right. Same toilet though, right? Yeah, same toilet. But not that wide. I'm talking the logistics of it. Same toilet, it can't be. You need three areas to sit.

Just sit sideways, my man. And a long toilet. No, no, no, you still need the middle to be supported. You gotta think about this fourth dimensionally. Wait you're saying that you need the middle of the cheeks to be supported. You think if there was another essentially another butt between my current butt cheeks. Double butt. It would feel awkward sitting there. You can't hang the middle of your like you can't hang one side of your current situation into the toilet, can you?

You need both sides of your butt cheeks to be supported. This would be, I think the more I think about it, it's gonna be too hard to spread. I think that this is gonna be a real problem. You don't have three legs, right? No, no, you don't have three legs. I'm gonna go with the one butt cheek, one hole. I'm going single butt cheek, and I think-

I'm going double butt. You figured out the math on how to make it work. Yeah, I think it works. He's doing it all, he's doing a diagram over here. I, you need a center pedestal. I wanna be fair to Annabelle in her question. Annabelle, get checked out. All right, Zach from the website. Would you always

rather talk with a one second lip sync delay or always be the person who says the last thing before, before a conversation dies? Oh man. That is not a great feeling. It isn't, it's not common. But when you say something and then no one has a response, not like even a joke, you're just saying something and then it's like, well, well you just killed the vibe. But sometimes you don't kill the vibe. There's just, there's always an end to things. Yeah, there is always a natural lull in the conversation.

It always happens. I've heard that's every seven minutes. Yeah, that's just. I was told seven minutes on a conversation, that's when it dies. I don't think there's a hard and universal rule to where. It's not universal, it's an average. Okay, an average makes more sense.

Yeah. I thought you were saying like every seven minutes. Nobody with a timer jumps out and goes, Hey, stop. Now, could you could you loophole this rule by just trying being the person who has to get the last word in? You know, like the like you're leaving the room. You have to repeat the last good point somebody made as your own point at the end. Oh, and then and then end it. Do you do it sarcastically? No. Then it makes them feel bad. You know

what I mean? They say like, oh you know, I don't like Buicks. Oh, I don't like Buicks. And then it's over. And then it's all silent. Silences can be painful in a large group. Yes. You know, the lip sync delay. How many people have to look at me while I'm talking? I know there are lip readers out there. That'll be a problem. I would say most people that you talk to are looking at you while you're speaking. I have a real question here.

Okay. Have you ever been in a one-on-one conversation, and it's kind of a longer conversation, somebody maybe you don't know, have you ever gotten inside your own head on what part of their face you're supposed to be looking at? Because people say you're supposed to make eye contact, but then I think the natural thing you end up doing

is watching the mouth. But then you're sitting there thinking about what you should be watching to be respectful, and then you don't know what to watch. I have not. I can see where you're coming from, but no, I've not experienced that. What do you look at?

I haven't either. You just look at them in the face. I don't think there's like, I'm not like staring at your pupil or, I just, I don't think I look, I think I take you all in. No, this is my point is you trying to figure this out in your head right now. Yeah.

Is the thing that you don't want to do when you're trying to actively do it. The only time that it's like an active thing in your head is like if the person's got like a real big mole or something and you're like trying to be like, just act cool, just look them in the face. Okay. Don't. And then you end up just death staring their eyeballs like, look, look, I'm fine.

That's what I'm saying. I'm fine. I'm looking right at you. Eyeballs is what you should be doing, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's the eye contact. But then the mouth, a lot of people read lips to kind of understand people better.

Yeah, my wife is hard of hearing. She can't hear under the lower register. And so when- Can you guys talk to each other with really low frequency in the house and she can't hear it? Yeah, that's what we do. When we wanna talk.

Don't tell mom about the ice cream in that fridge. Don't tell your mother about this. And she's right next to me. She has no idea. She can just see that you guys are having a conversation between you. No, she doesn't know. She has no idea. Can you see that you guys are having a conversation? No, she doesn't know. She thinks we're whistling in a low tone,

because I always do this with my mom. The kids come in. Hey, Dad, can I have more dessert? The problem is my youngest, his voice hasn't changed. So it always crushes. Breaks the, he's the rat. Yeah, he's the rat. But no, seriously, when COVID hit, she didn't realize that she read lips.

Oh, because the masks. Until the masks came around. And then it was like she realized she couldn't hear anyone because she could hear muffled noises, which when she reads lips, she puts that together. And it's like, oh, totally normal. No problem. But as soon as someone's got a mask, if they've got an accent and a mask, she's out. She's like, I'm done. You tell me what they said. I can't make it out.

Have you seen the, there's an AI technology where you wear a pair of glasses and it like subtitles people talking. What? In real time. That's cool. A kid from MIT made it. And so you could be wearing them if you're deaf,

have a con, and then like somebody's talking to you and it says in the glasses, in your eye frame, subtitles of what they're saying. Dude, that's just, and now you put Google Translate in there and you can go anywhere in the world. That's exactly what I was thinking of, yeah. Yeah, you could just, that's wild. Because I've used Google Translate,

like when I was in Columbia, you'd use it all the time. You could communicate with anybody. You could, was that the way? I was just trying, no, I was just trying to do the final words sarcastically to test it out. Right in the middle of the conversation. Yeah, that wasn't good but okay um i don't even remember what i said you were talking about google translate uh you went out of

state just like it's so close to being out of state i went over to california i had no idea what those people were saying yeah it was like bro like, bro, what do you mean, bro? Oh, you mean mister. You got it. But it would be amazing if that's in your field of vision. That being said, when you're talking about this, I think you have to take the one second lip sync delay because when you say the last thing

before a conversation dies, you're always, you your party pooper. So you're saying that with a one second lip sync your mouth moves and then the sound comes out. So it's like, hey. Right, exactly. For those of you listening. What if people call you out on it? Do you just tell them it's because I'm so far away? No, no, no, no, no. I'm going mask. I'm wearing my...

That's a cheat. Yeah it is. I like going mask. I'm wearing my... That's a cheat. Yeah, it is. I like cheating these. I like looking for loopholes. If I had a one second delay, I would wear a mask and then you would have no idea. Okay. All right. We're going to move on Jason. All right. Right now. Oh, we're going to move on right now. All right, quick break, back with another segment. ["Sweet Homework"] That's a great question. You thinking of other metal things that you know about? He doesn't have to think. Yeah, I just have it in my mind.

I can see him so clearly. Just it's unbelievable. Give me some of the good- Monkey bars. Monkey bars? If you're out on the playground, then those are made of metal. Those are made of metal. Some door frames are made of metal.

Some are, yeah. Yeah, I mean, there are wooden versions of the metal door frame. But that's not your expertise. No, don't blow all your picks for the big draft coming up. That's a great question. Can't wait for the things that are metal draft. I'm going to crush you guys. You know a lot. I'll be honest. Put that on the docket, Al. Carl from Twitter has a great question. You won't believe we're going 50 rounds. My knowledge of metal things is going to blow your mind.

This is really tickling him. He knows so much about what things are made of, specifically metal. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, no. It's crazy. It's crazy.

Seriously, it is crazy. It's going to It is, seriously, it is crazy. You're gonna blow your mind. You're gonna be like, how does he know about metal so much? He has literal tears running down his face. He knows a lot, man. Oh, man. He's spent most of his life learning about metal things. Okay, let's go to the-

We're moving on. Carl's got a great question. Without using the word water, describe the taste of water. about metal things. On this! Okay, let's go to the- We're moving on. Yeah, please. Carl's got a great question. Without using the word water, describe the taste of water. Oh. What? Refreshing?

Yeah. Well, that's fine. Okay. Clean. Crisp. That was in my mind. Wet. Oh, nice.

It's gonna- Clear. It's gonna blow your mind. Wet. Oh, nice. It's gonna blow your mind. Clear. As much as I know about water. Clear. Clear.

That's the taste? It tastes clear. Clear, man. This tastes so clear. I forgot you said the taste. I thought we were just describing it. No. The taste of water. Neutral? I like that he says, I forgot that you said the taste. I thought we were just describing it. No. The taste of water.

Neutral? I like that he says, I forgot that you said the taste. You read the questions, Andy. Only you said that. Neutral, I like that. Okay. Could you say bland?

Flavorless. Yeah, but it also, it depends on what type of water. Your eyes are teared up. Dude, it's because of how much metal I know about, man. I'm emotionally moved thinking about all the metal things. What is happening? I don't know, man.

He knows so much. I enjoy it. Oh, I'm so much. I enjoy it. Oh, I I'm so sorry spit wads. We'll be back next week with with Anything else for the taste of water? Look at what I was saying. It depends on the water sometimes metallic Yeah, if it's if you're talking about like a a spring water It's spring water minerals then itals. Then you're like, it tastes dirty. I mean this.

I think we've described it pretty well. The best that we could. Josh from Patreon. We've got to give 30 minutes on the taste of water. Josh from Patreon wants to know, is there ever a situation where it is appropriate to speak now or forever hold your peace at a wedding in front of the entire audience? Can we just eliminate this awkward prompt? This is a great question.

Is there ever a situation where it is appropriate? Yeah. Yeah, unfortunately. It's awareness of an impropriety. Correct. That's what you were thinking? Yeah, I mean, if that would be the time, I mean, I will say this.

I mean, you should deal with that before Yeah, you should that's why I'm saying like okay Is there really a time because if you're gonna stand up and be like this marriage is a sham because he Is an adulterer and it's like so the question why did you let them pay for this gigantic well punishment? Well, what if it was what if it was right before? Right before the wedding started. Yeah, like you you're you're you just found out you're over with that You're groomsman, right? You're groomsman and you're in the back halls Uh-huh, and then all of a sudden you see the you see right right making out with another groomsman You're like, oh my gosh, what is happening?

You're like Does anybody know anything here? Does anybody see the bride kiss the groom's man or forever hold the peace? But you're gonna wait for the question? You'd be like, I can't wait till someone asks me. I've been waiting for this moment. Look, I'm not a snitch. I'm not trying to get snitches.

But if someone asks. But if someone asks, I'm gonna answer the question. The question is basically honest does anybody out there have or know any reason why these two should not be wet isn't that the way they put it something to that extent yes have any any reason why they shouldn't so I've done this what I've I've oh I Oh. I've ex... You've, wait. I've done this, you were the one who stood up? I have experienced the need for that.

Yeah, I do know what he's talking about. And I have done what you said you should do, which prior to that moment, having to take the groom aside. Okay. And say, but this is like, this is like right before the wedding. And it's like, was it at the wedding? It was at the rehearsal for the wedding. So this is like you did it for, and it was, and it was not well received. It wasn't. Well, this dude,

this was crazy because I struggled with it. I basically heard. If only someone had asked you. I heard the, if only someone, I heard the bride-to-be say she does not love the groomsman, or the groom. Groom. The groom, thank you. Yeah.

And I was like. The man groom. And I struggled like, what do you do with that piece of information? Right. They're about to get married. Yeah. And it was one... The man grew. And I struggled like, what do you do with that piece of information? Right. They're about to get married. Yeah. And it was one of the hardest things ever to actually go

and be like, so dude, I got to tell you something. And I don't know how to say this. And you say it, and then it's like, thank you. So you think about that. And it was basically like a, OK. And then that wedding happened tomorrow. How'd it work out? They are no longer married.

But you try to win. But your point is well received. This is a prior to the wedding moment. However, however, if it's public, everyone knows. It's a now. Maybe the choices. The choice is easier for the person maybe. Yeah, maybe it's like, oh, now everybody knows.

If you ruin their wedding and make them miserable. I don't think that's gonna work. I am actually, I am curious, just knowing Mike the fantasy hit man right. Yes. I am curious about your entire, sometimes I feel like you're anti-traditional yeah because because you you attach a strong need for logic yes with the things that people do or go through and if there's

not a strong logical reason why they transpire, maybe you don't believe they should. Simply because they have. Simply because they have. So, do you apply that same attitude towards all, because weddings are full of a lot more than that tradition. That's just one thing that you're saying, could you get rid of, and honestly, I've been to a bunch of weddings, I think that was said one time, and and the other ones they don't have it. So that's something falling away Okay, but they I mean weddings are literally a tradition on tradition on tradition everything you do the rings the first dance

the first dance the the the vows the The you know the groomsmen and the bridesmaids putting cake in each other's face Like there is tradition with all of that And I'm just wondering if you value marriage at all Do you like a marriage ceremony Yeah, you like the Sarah the traditional ceremony I I do I can I I like it because it's not I don't view the wedding as We're only doing this because everybody else has done it. It's you, now there is an aspect of I want to experience

that because I've seen other people do it. But it's all, I mean it's your forum, your public forum to say this is now my partner forever. And I'm telling all of you, so you stay away from me. Because I'm a married man. So that doesn't bother me. Public proclamation. Now, if you want to talk about the extravagance and new couples, like parents, if you're still going with that route of the parents funding the wedding, and they're spending tens of thousands of dollars for a party when that couple could use that money

to start their life, now we have a different discussion. And then I'm firmly on the side of just do something smaller. Like if that cash is going to be a true difference to your lives, don't waste it on a party. I heard a commercial in the car the other day for lab-grown diamonds. Because there are all- Oh heck yeah, brother other day for lab-grown diamonds.

Because there are all of them. They're lab-grown diamonds. And it's like half the cost of the non-lab-grown, right? And I'm thinking to myself, like I've already thought, like sometimes you see these interviews with people and they're like, yeah, the ring needs to be this amount of the salary or it's gotta be this money.

I wonder who started that. Yeah, the ring companies. But I just laugh because it's like once you have it, it's a diamond. Or it's not a diamond. Even if it's a cubic zirconium. Yeah. Is it shiny?

Are you staring at it every day? Is it shiny in the light? I've never really, I'll be honest, I've never really understood jewelry at all. Expensive. Yeah, I mean I'm wearing a, Nobody knows. I'm wearing a silicone ring. I'm wearing a nobody knows I'm wearing a little tiny silicone ring that cost me probably two dollars I've got

like six more of these in a drawer when this one breaks and the thing is is nobody knows like if you if you got someone a very large cubic zirconium yeah right how's anybody gonna know nobody's no diamond judge will know right if a diamond expert were to walk when you need to put on it. Excuse me May I look at your hand under this microscope of and you say yes, of course And then he looks for a while. He would know your friend who you talked to at least should have done that That would have got him out of at least a financial. Let me ask you this This is a genuine question. Yeah. Okay. About

morality. Okay. Oh, boy. What is good? Hmm. Versus what is right? What if they aren't always the same thing? I'll give you the example. Very excited. If you took the $10,000, right instead of buying a cube, instead of buying a cube instead of buying a diamond ring for the wedding you bought a $1,000 cubic to come I don't know how much yeah, they call money still Okay, so a thousand dollar cubic zirconium ring. It looks identical. You can't tell the devil. I get even cheaper one sure sure I'm just saying for example, and you take that nine thousand and

You invest it towards the marriage towards your your future whatever right, but but she doesn't know and Shh a ring is important to her and you don't tell her that you got her a cubic zirconia Is that better because functionally practically logically in? Reality it is better. Nah, man. Yeah. Nah. Nah, so you can't have a lie at the center of that. That's fair, okay. And I had to try to test you. No, no, no.

You guys came out with flying colors. You would hope that you could have the conversation and then two people see the same logic and they want to do that together. But what if you never, you never make any indication of how much the ring cost never say that it's not cubic zirconium never say that you don't lie that's what I'm saying you sure you just presented but then afterwards if the question is made

yeah if she goes is this a real time thing okay but then then what's real anyways you see this AI Well, let me see honey. I can touch it. I can feel it. I believe that is real. What's the thing about ducks? Oh? Boy okay, that was good. That was good. I mean there's a lot of money that goes into weddings Yeah, it's really too much and a lot of gold a lot of gold on them rings you know not everybody knows gold is metal but But I'm here to let you know that gold is in fact metal you know the worst thing is is the white I bought my wife a ring and

She had a it was a platinum band Okay, and then the wedding ring was gold, a white gold band, and they got fused together or vice versa. And for the first 10 years of our marriage, she's had an allergy to that ring. Oh no. And so like she could only wear her ring 50% of the time for like 10 years till we figured out what the allergy was.

And then I just bought her a regular band and she just replaced it with a band. What's the what's the hot metal right now? The hot one? Yeah because like when we when when we were you know coming up in the world like platinum was having a huge moment it was it was happening. Gold's out, silver's out, it's platinum. What like is there a hot new metal? I don't know if there's a hot new metal. Plutonium? No, that'll do worse than stain the ring. Turns out.

Everyone's allergic to plutonium. Yeah. I don't know if they're really inventing a lot of new metals. Jason would know. No, they are inventing some new. Alloys? Alloys, yeah.

But I would definitely say it's not aluminum right now. That's not the hot thing. Do we have time for another one, Al? We got nothing but time, Andy. Thanks, man. Blake, what kind of ring, how much did you spend on? No, I'm just kidding. Blake from the website, you and your family

are offered a guarantee of living until the year 2150. But in exchange, you will all be instantly transported back to the year 1800 to live until 2150. Do you accept the offer? I think I know where this question was inspired from. I feel like that's an upgrade. If you say you get to live till 2150 well, well, it's meant to be that way It's meant to be basically like you get to live a long long long long time But you have to start it at a time when things weren't great, but you also will experience What like the Civil War? Yep? Maybe you have to go on the Oregon Trail friends and family dying at 35 and 40 like

There's there's no comforts. There's there's getting your water is a struggle every day Yeah, you're not looking with no bidet. I think it's amazing. I think it's an upgrade on this question If if the question were you could live till? 2150 from today or you could live till 2150 from 18... What is it? 50? I don't remember.

1800. Bonus 50 for you. I would choose. I would opt in to the extra time. I realize that there's hardship there. I realize that there's like... It's not going to be comfy, cushy, bidets and all that. You're going to have to deal with that. But over theets and all that you're gonna have to deal with

that but over the course of centuries that you're living you're gonna have you're gonna experience so many changes so I want the most I want to see I want to see what it was like and I already know I'm gonna live so I don't have to worry about rattlesnakes and gunfights it's an interesting one because you do have to go through like uh 2000 or not 2200 years to catch up I got some base level questions here. I am, myself and my family are instantly transported back. Am I transported back at my current age in my physical appearance?

I would imagine you stay exactly how you are now until. Until you re-reach. No, until, until 2,150. You're just, you're basically staying. Do they like, like percentage percentage wise they'll spread it out Yeah, that's what I was thinking, but we don't need to get into those weeds. I totally thought that exact thing You're a pro rate your agent. Yeah, that's what I'm Final hundred years. I totally thought the same thing. I think you just are this age for the entirety boy

And you just dropped it. Yeah, and then you Say your kids never age. That's cool. You never get to see him grow up What a stupid stupid rule you put into place well I never have to watch him die either boom cuz it's all at the exact same time yeah exactly I that's a lot of living. Would you accept it would you accept it I don't you know okay let's take it let's take it back a notch this year 1200 is there a limit to you getting to experience all that would you like to go back to 1200 and live all the way up till now?

I would. That's so many years. I would like to do like, like maybe a year of each decade. I could see Jason getting back there and going, oh no. Oh yes. Oh no, what have I done? Yeah, bougie boy. I gotta wait 200 more years before I get my internet back

Yeah, you'd have no internet No running water I cannot fathom How much better of a person I would be right now having experienced all that life Having sure you know what I mean like be. But would you go to 1200? Yeah, yeah I would. Would you go to 600 AD? I think so. So you think you'd go back as far as you could.

I think I'd go, if I knew that like I get to. Because you won't die, you don't die. So that part is all the threats. This isn't like I wanna live in 600 AD, this is like I get to experience everything across humanity. It would be would be would there be a sense of insane desperation? Like with how much time has to pass before you catch up to where you know you are now Having the knowledge of what's coming and if I absolutely hate all existence then yeah, it would be it would be brutal

But I would imagine I genuinely you know I think maybe you get there and And you have that for a month or whatever but eventually that becomes your life the people there become your friends They all die off sure but that part sucks but while you're in the process of living the The the life that you are building there, I think you'll find happiness there. It's not like people in the 600s didn't experience happiness because they didn't have an interest. Not much.

Not much. They were pretty depressed. I've seen the photographs. The catch is like the, it's like immortality. Like whatever, the vampires, lore. The curse of immortality. The curse of immortality is you do like, everybody you become friends with, they die,

and then you have to make new ones and you do it forever. I think I'd rather just live now, die now and be done. Making all those new friends. I don't know about that. He would be the weird guy that's always lived in the caves. That's what Mike would become. That guy's lived in the caves for 600 He does the whole he's doing the whole thing just to get back to the 80s it was a great decade

Oh, man, that's funny. All right. Let's take a break, jump into the draft. The Spitballers Draft. All right, today we are drafting things that are the color white. Things that are the color white. Mike with the first pick, Jason with a fist pump. I was disappointed. I thought maybe we'd switch it to metal today. Oh, were you? All right, we'll do that in the future.

We are at such a disadvantage for that, Jason, with Andy and I. You're so experienced with metal. You guys need to really do some research. OK. I'm sure you could find something that's both white and metal, if you work hard enough. I've been looking.

I'm sure. And no luck so far. All right, Mike. All right. You have the first pick in our Things That Are White draft. This is, as Jason would say, this is not a great draft to have the 101. But the first.

We'll decide whether that's true. OK. It's true. Thank you. The first thing that came to my mind, I love Christmas. There is the thing that makes it a white Christmas. When you see, ugh! I'd say Arizona boys.

This is the 101. There is a 101, yes. Well, fantastic. When you see that photograph, and it's just majestic and beautiful, and the light is reflecting off of the snow just perfectly. It is an incredible image and I will be taking snow. Yeah that's the 101. I think it is the wrapper. I think it is the clear one-on-one for Phoenicians, for people from Arizona. You know it's like snow is beautiful, rare, majestic, incredible.

But if you live in the snow, if you're like, I live in Detroit, I don't think you love snow quite the same way. I'm not drafting cactus. Maybe not, maybe not. Right, exactly. But skiers like it. Sure.

Snowboarders like it. When they're skiing, I'll bet not when they get in their car in the morning. They don't call it just Christmas. It's a white Christmas for a reason, people. Yeah. No, I get it. I get it. I agree. We prioritize it maybe a little more, but it's a good pick. Yeah. I mean, you say it's, you know, white as snow. That's the... Yeah. A white draft. Wait, are you trying to back up that it's real white? No, I'm saying it's a good pick. It's like it is the marker of white. Of white. Yeah.

You know, they don't say white is salt. But I'm taking salt, baby. Oh, yeah, I'm taking salt. I mean, look, I've been cooking a lot. I'm a chef, and the key to pretty much every meal is salt. You got to use more than you think. You got to do it at the right time. It's on my list.

Yeah, so I'm not living without salt. That's not gonna be me. Pfft. You know, so. I didn't have it on the list, but it's a good pick. Yeah. But you obviously, it's table salt. It's, yeah, well.

Yeah, yeah. I prefer sea salt. If I got to specify, I'll take. Isn't that normally pink? No, that's Himalayan. Okay, I won't argue with you about salt and metal. Kosher, coarse, sea salt. That's my draft pick.

All right, you got salt. All right, you got salt. Snow, salt, interesting. I am going to make one of my two picks as I decide on the second one. No, I think I know them both. And they both- Rime.

Are well above, they're above me. Ooh, okay, I know I know them both. And they both. Rime. Are well above, they're above me. Ooh, okay, I know one of them. And look, the sky, it drops the snow. But it wouldn't be as magnificent without the clouds. Sure. So I'm going to take clouds with my first pick. Okay. But far above the clouds, I will be taking the moon.

Oh. I will be taking the moon. I thought about that and then I was like, well, that's yellow. The moon? It is not. That's how I see it. I see the moon as gray. Sure, but like, I don't, like, I don't.

I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna veto it. I don't, I don't veto it. I'm just saying it's not a great pick because it's like things that are white and I'm like, well, it's is it Is it what night it is? Definitely white it is Occasionally yellow in a child's book, which may be how you're more familiar with the moon. Yeah, that's correct It is the moon is It is

Yellow sometimes people say it's made because I know it's drawn. It's not they don't say it's made of cheese because it's like- I know it's drawn like that. They don't say it's made of cheese because it's yellow. They say it's made of cheese because it's got like circles on it. Yeah, and the yellow color. No! I have never thought in my head, like what color is the moon?

Yellow. Well, I'm- Have you guys ever thought of the moon as being yellow back there? Hey, guess what? Search for moon and you're gonna see- Brown gray. What color is the moon? Brown gray. Okay, I was wrong.

It's brown gray. I'll allow. Look, Al can tell. What color is the moon, Al? White. Thank you. The nighttime moon is... It reflects white. And it's a great pick. I like it. I'm for it. Alright. Cool.

I like it too. It's a great pick. Wait, poop all over it. I like yeah, I'm for it. All right cool I like it to wait a great poop all over it. Sorry man. That's not the first time Pain all right Jason another pick okay. I'm back. I mean you Wait, it's me again Yeah, oh, that's how it works. It goes bing bong bing cool. All right. I I forgot that you started it Mike I thought Andy was sorry. Okay. I'm I'm not yellow. Okay. I am okay. I am actually really exciting Just thinking about metal. He can't stop thinking about you. This laptop is made from aluminium That's a metal. Yes, I'll keep that knowledge coming. I'm gonna, look, I was close on the first pick between do I want salty or do I want sweet?

Oh. Salt or sugar. I'm taking sugar and get both. Okay. I can make a mess over here with all the salt and sugar I've got. You can make some in the kitchen with it, that's for sure. Absolutely. Salty and sweet.

It's usually how I cook. So now with those two things taken, do I want to continue with my- You don't have another pick. Thank you. I wasn't going to say it. What are you doing over there? I'm an idiot. I don't know how to set people up.

I forget. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. I was definitely about to pick. Talk less, smile more, my man. It gets you places. Okay, thank you. Thank you. I was definitely about to pick. Talk less, smile more, my man. It gets you places. Mike, it is your pick.

You should... I'm the host. It's a host thing to fix things for people. Oh my goodness. Oh. All right. So I... It was going to be fantastic. It was. He was so ready for another food pick.

So I have two picks here. The first one, funny enough, we ended up talking at length about this ceremony. I'll take the wedding dress. Oh, I love it. Look at this. It's not on my list and shame on me. The romantic at heart over there. Mr. Tradition. That's right. I love it. There's nothing better than doing things because people have always done them that way. It had to be a reason in the beginning.

I absolutely love that. That's fantastic. So. Right. And so I have Snow. That's a powerhouse combo, Snow and a wedding dress. Just wait, guys. You just don't want them combined.

No, well, I'll tell you what you don't want to combine with the wedding dress it is my next pick it is it is as white as can be usually as long as it's clean I'm gonna take the toilet I'm gonna take the porcelain potty all right that makes sense that makes sense you don't you don't want to combine the dress with the toilet no you don't know do not want to you don't want to sit on the dress on the toilet Yeah, you don't want the toilet in the dress I hope the dress speaking of highway to spell I would have been very curious How long would it take an Al Borland to spell porcelain because there was no way he was hit that in the dock without spellcheck

Am I right Al? Yeah, I had to let it auto correct that one. Yeah Stars go ahead Mike Am I right Al? Yeah, I had to let it auto correct that one. Yeah. Hold on. It starts with E. Go ahead, Mike. P-O-R-C. You got it. Mike got both of his picks. So when? Was that where you're trying to set him up? No.

He wanted me to spell porcelain. Oh, to spell it? Yeah, you're not here. Dude, seriously. The amount of metal. I'm asking him to spell porcelain, and you're like, nice set up, bro. You got him. Do you spell porcelain and you're like, nice setup, bro. You got him.

How do you spell porcelain? It's a mystery. P-O-R-C-E-L-A-I-N. A-I-N. All right. Oh yeah, porcelain. Jason, you have two picks. Go on.

Porcelain. Nice try. I have one pick here and I'm going to take milk. Okay. Because I've got I've got a food thing going. Milk was the second thing I thought of. Yeah, and It is yellow. I got sugar, salt and milk all wonderfully whiter than the moon. Sure, Jay. We've got

Isn't there like a moon and a milk thing too? Yeah. What? Yeah I know what you're saying. Are those in some kind of story together or something? There's the cow that jumped over the moon. Maybe that's it. Milk comes from cows. It's a fact. Oh my goodness. That was the layers? I don't know, man. I'm just saying it could have been. Cheese, milk, it's all together. Moon. I have clouds in the moon. I'm going to close out my draft.

White chocolate. White chocolate is my first pick. I like food. I think white chocolate is the best of all the chocolates. It's incredible. I know that there's different opinions. I'm with you on that, Andy. And then I will close it out with the great cousin of snow, the glacier.

I'm taking the glacier. Pretty impressive hunk of ice right there. They are, they are gigantic. They're very slow. They're beautiful. Just absolutely kind of mind-blowing. You think you've seen them in a picture, and then you see it in person, and you go, Whoa! That thing's crazy!

And it's even crazier that people live inside of them. That's what's wild. What? Alright, Jason? Wait, do people live inside of this? Oh, okay. I was like, I know a lot about metal, but I don't know this so I'm gonna take for my last turn this show off metal references ago for nothing I apologize what's your favorite kind of music it's a little heavy all right I, I'm going to go with four. Look, I got a complete.

I got a complete here. I've got salt. I've got sugar. I've got milk. Andy's got the moon. I'm taking cheese. I'm taking cream cheese. Philadelphia style.

Really? Oh, yeah. This is the... Philadelphia cream cheese? Philadelphia cream cheese. Oh, it's delicious. And it's... What color is it, Mike? It is white. Super white!

I just thought maybe you'd go with like a white cheddar or something, but you went all the way to cream cheese. Well I was looking at mayo, but mayo's got that you know it's made from egg yolk so it's got that tint of yellow. Cream cheese is pure. Cream cheese is great. So my picks here are just they're you know as white as snow. Which unfortunately you have. Yeah, handled that. It is the barometer. Salt, sugar, milk, and cream cheese. You need professional help.

My favorite things that are white. Mike's no wedding dress, porcelain throne, AKA toilet. What's your final pick? OK, my final pick pick here there's a couple that really stood out to me and I usually like to have a character in here so I'm gonna decide between two I'm gonna go I'm gonna take the stormtrooper. Oh really? I am, I'm gonna take the... I thought you were gonna go stay puffed. Oh, no he actually was not on my list.

The other consideration was Baymax. Yeah, stormtroopers are better picked than Baymax. But I'm gonna go with you. We got there, we got there everybody. Yeah, take the stormtrooper. They can't hit the broadside of a barn, but. No, and it was always tough because you thought they looked cool,

but they were the bad guys. So as a kid you're like, I don't want to root for you, but you're kind of cool There there are so many things on my list Like uh-huh. I bet marshmallows Yeah, I mean they're cream surprised that like I was able to get four Food things we finished the draft usually there's like one or two good picks up But I feel like we've probably all got like lots tons of great

There's a few things that are named white something that I didn't go with like a white tiger Sure, or the white or the White House you could say Or a white sand beach. Yeah, but I just kind of stayed away from those. Yeah pearls pearls Yeah, pearls are white. Whiter than most of it. Your blue glaciers. Oh, we're going blue glaciers. And I went to look for like, I was

trying to find a metal that's known for being white. And there's some. I can't imagine. Well, it's funny because it's like silver. Well, it's a precious metal known for being kind of a bright white. Silver color. But silver is used to describe a color that is silver.

Yeah. That one wouldn't have worked. You've got to basically paint it. Painted metal. Well, yeah, like a white metal fence, you see those. But then if you're taking that, you go white picket fence. Yeah, that would be the pick. That's on my list.

That's gorgeous. Not metal, though. It's not metal. I couldn't have that. Yeah, that would have really jumped the shark. Yeah, you know. You don't want to do that. I had a whiteout on the list. Those things are awesome. Like a sporting event?

Like a blizzard? No, no, no, a sporting event. Like when everybody wears that, you know. Those are just cool whenever there's a coordinated, everyone comes into a stadium and wears the same colored shirt. But it was really tough. Vanilla milkshake, there's so many delicious things that are white, yes.

Yeah, yeah. Mike, did you have anything else you wanted to add? I just wanted the show to be over. What did we learn today? I'll speak for Mike and I. Yes, please. We learned a new level of knowledge that you possess that most people don't.

Yeah, that's true. Which is the ability to identify a large quantity of objects. And just recall them. And recall them. Yeah, yeah. That exist in your world. It is a curse. I'll tell you what I didn't learn today.

Anything that's metal. I already knew it. So that's, the takeaway from today is just love how many metal things I know. And also, spitbots, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you guys, and I'll be back next week. Not every episode's a winner, you know what I mean?

Gotta have the down ones to know the up. Goodbye.