Spitballers Comedy Podcast - The Soothing Sounds of Vomit & The Best Dog Breeds - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

Spit Hit for March 17th, 2025:Tune in today to hear all about Mike’s future invention to help humanity. We also talk about alligator survival, FPH rates, and sketchy stairs. In the situation room, we tackle a real moral crime dilemma. Lastly, we close this thing down with a draft of our favorite dog breeds. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What's up, Spitwads? We are on vacation this week. The kids are on spring break, so we're bringing you a very special Spit Hits episode, and we'll be back with a new one next week. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Yippee-yip, skip, skip, biggity bow wow. Okay, all right. Huh?

Yeah. Okay. Ahhhhh. Yeah. Ahhhhh. Solid, through and through. Different. New. Yeah. Top. No burnt edges. Ah! Solid, through and through.

Different, new. Yeah. No burnt edges, it wasn't like the middle was only good. The whole, everything was good. The crust, topical. Looks like it's gonna be a good, oh, topical. I didn't even. Bonus points. Yeah.

Catch on to that. I was enamored with its flow. I didn't need it to be topical. It wasn't even very rough. It was... that was... okay. Wow. That's another dog joke. Another dog joke. Got anything else? I will I will but right now I feel a little collared. Give me some time I gotta... oh... what? I don't know. I feel a little collared? Yeah no I mean it's fine. Is that something anyone has ever said? If he had said muzzled, it would have been way better. Yes.

Yes. You know, stick around. We got a long show for you here, Spitballers. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. You can find us on Twitter at SpitballersPod, Instagram.com slash SpitballersPod. Today we are drafting the best dog breeds. Yeah, baby. I am drafting them entirely based off of one thing That I will reveal later. Oh man. Well, I because I don't know a lot about dogs I hope that it is aesthetics because I believe that well, I guess behavior is sometimes taken into account But most people when they get a dog, they're like, that's the dog I like to look at. I hope it is purely weight.

You can't muzzle my opinions. Oh, oh. Would you rather? All right, quit hounding it right now. Let's let that. Where are you? You're just throwing in dog words. Yeah.

Somebody put Jason on a leash, please. Okay, see, that's a good one. All right, all right. I'm gonna work on it though. I'm gonna keep this up. I feel like you worked on that one And someone out right this guy's ears Like what it's not something people say yeah, no yeah, I get it. I go. I'm gonna work quit tailing around

Yeah, this see that was a real good one Mike. Oh We've got a Neuter these jokes. Oh, there's you rather Would you rather the situation room, lots going on, better hit this button right about now. I didn't think there would be a category of that was bad even for us, but we were entering that category. Graham from the website, would you rather spend 10 hours in a 10 by 10 room with 100 people inside or three hours in a 30 by 30 room

with just you and an alligator? This is quite. Oh man, this took a turn. I did not. I didn't expect the. See, call me, because a 10 by 10 room with 100 people, can you fit 100 people in a 10 by 10 room with 100 people I don't can you can you fit a hundred people in a 10 yeah that's where we got to start I mean you can fit

that's a hundred square feet so and how many how many square feet does like basically an average person need well I take up more than one so I take up at least one and a half will be touching be touching. Probably two square feet. You're touching. And how long is this? For 10 hours. Oh my. Now the alligator thing is, can I, honest question, 30 by 30, can I evade an alligator? Not for three hours. Yeah, not when he gets hungry.

You can evade an alligator a little bit. Like, you know, we see videos of people that can, you know, run away and he's not gonna just chase you down forever like his life depends on it and 30 feet that's a good run I mean that's a little bit of that can you jump over an alligator you can try like if worse comes to worse can I jump up and try to land on its snout and then they hold it yeah you can definitely so if I capture the alligator I could hold it close for three hours

theoretically yeah right because their their jaws like the muscle of the of the and like hold it, chef? You can definitely. So if I capture the alligator, I could hold it closed for three hours. Theoretically, yes. Because their jaws, like the muscle of the jaws go the other direction for ours. Which I heard you can. So you can hold it closed, yes. But I mean, first you have to get there. Can I wait for it to fall asleep?

There is a chance that the alligator just hangs out for three hours and does nothing. I wanna know the last... I need the feeding schedule. I need to know was this guy just fed, he's coming in full, might be a little groggy, you know, is not starving or like, yeah, he last ate Tuesday. And go! Now, in the 10 by 10 room, Jason, how many farts will you emit during 10 hours?

It won't matter. The BO in that room will fart. You can fart away. You're not smelling any of those gases. We have talked a lot about, Jason, go ahead. Answer the question. I mean, you're smelling everything. The heat in that room.

The heat in that room, there's not an air conditioner or a refrigerator powerful enough. 100 people in 100 square feet. What's your FPH? Feet per... No, you're far per hour. What are you emitting? I just want to know if you'll suffocate in here. I'm probably a three or four FPH.

So three and a half FPH. But the problem is there's no way in this room over ten hours you're getting zero farts. That's so many. That's impossible. Well if everybody has a standard FPH of about one to two and you're at four, there's probably some other. Do you think that's a realistic number? No, not at all. I didn't either.

No, it's probably like.25. Yeah, that seems a little too high. Depends on your diet. It depends on the intake, yeah. What I was going to say is that, let's say you're in that situation. You're with the 100 people. We don't talk about BO enough. We talk a lot about other smells.

But some of the worst situations you can find yourself in are like, I've had recently, HVAC contractors come to the house, long project, long part of the day. So manual, working that manual labor, that blue collar life. Up in the attic. Yeah, oh, oh, they're in the attic? They're gonna get stinky. Yes, they are. But then they wanna hang out

and kinda introduce you to their work and what they've done. Show you a while and so it's like on one hand I need to know how to use the thing they installed on the other hand sir can you write this down please you are emitting an odor that is permeating the fabrics on my furniture please don't point up there keep your arms to your side yeah so I mean it that's it it would be a problem What's your worst Bo situation? Have you ever had one when you knew? that you were

emitting Maybe you forgot the other day and you are stuck slash Trying to find a way to yeah there to hide I mean certainly there have been like oh you forgot deodorant and there is none available and you know you're like oh crap and you take that little whiff and you're like oh crap. The old the smelly. And then what happens from that point is your elbows are so locked to your hips or your two sides that you start creating more problems. Because it's getting sweaty.

Absolutely. You are sweating so much. Like you could trap it. You're nervous. It's hot. And so now it's getting worse and worse and worse. And you know, if your arm goes up, it's a real problem. So I think we've all been there, but I don't, in those situations, when you know, I'm trying

to avoid people. I'm certainly not wanting to walk close to someone. But there have been times where you are around someone else who's doing something like you just said, showing you around. I remember once I was at a store, I was a worker and there was a patron that I had to help and this patron Could not have had a home and I believe they did but they did not use it. They did not use their showers or bathtubs in as long as ancestral got it yeah, and Wow, they were so smelly and I didn't know what to do like the the whole aisle, the whole aisle of this retail store was. Oh yeah, you can leave a, what is it, like a Pepe Le Pew type of trail.

Like it was the skunk trail? Yeah, skunk trail. So I managed to Google something and this socialtables.com came up and it was how many square feet per person standing. Six square feet per person is a good rule of thumb for a standing crowd. So if you have a hundred people, six square feet. If you have a hundred people you should plan for 600 square feet. For a party. For that's not a concert. No no but I'm saying like that's the rule of thumb. So just it like and

you know how much space you have at a cocktail party. It's not always a ton. A human emits 80 to 1,050 watts of thermal energy. We look at one of our BMUs. Haven't you ever heard the saying of like one human equals 100 watts? Have I heard that? No. No, I mean, I've heard people say that you emit

the amount of like a light bulb, like a certain wattage of light light bulb and heat and I'm just trying to think about how hot it's gonna be it will be terrible it will be absolutely awful for ten hours you will be squished you'll be shoulder to shoulder you'll be you'll be tummy to tummy you'll mean you know everything's gonna it's gonna be a really big problem, but you will live. Because of the alligator's not there. For 10 hours, but if you're right,

the alligator is not in this 10 by 10 room. But if you're in a room with an alligator, I mean, you have high probability of death. And I can't think of a whole lot of ways worse to go. Than an alligator? Than being chomped alive by sharp teeth. Right. Let's think about this.

I know we're teasing out different things, Jason. You're bringing up that being the worst way to die. One of, yeah. It's a pretty bad way to go. But do you die? Oh yeah, you bleed out. But I'm thinking like most of the time these alligator kills, they grab you, they pull you under the water and they spin you.

Right, well you drown. Right round. Yeah, if you're in water it's gonna drown you. If you're on just land, you're going to bleed out. Cause I don't know if the alligator's gonna go for throat, like it's like instinctual for a dog. I know what to do. Oh, that's great.

This is great news. I know what I would do. Whenever I'm encountering an alligator, what should I do? I have the key, and by the way, Brooks, I didn't know, you you pretty scared of alligators They might be like my tops like Jason and spiders like really I don't encounter them But yeah luckily no not crawling on your walls. There's not just an alligator in the corner. They are so terrifying But here's what you do

You give them Part of your body that won't kill you as a donation. Oh, that's called an appetizer, my friend. You are peeking at your interest. You're making it hungry. But look, they've got two, Well, what are you giving? Are you ripping your ear off? No, you give them your leg, man.

How? You wanna know how you give them your leg? You go up to the alligator and start chopping on you. This is not good advice. Not good advice. When an animal could bite you in the neck, you let them bite you in the arm. The arm is fine, but your leg, like what's the artery?

What's the, the femoral? Femoral, whatever. I've moved to arms. I've shifted to the arm. In the war movies where they have to clamp it closed or like, oh, this person's gonna be gone real soon. Is there any way you can grab the tongue? Can you hold onto their tongue and like pull their tongue?

Yeah, but then they will all, they'll be holding onto your arm at the exact same time. And I think- Right. I'm the only one thinking outside the box here. Hey, well, you're, you are. How long can you swing an alligator around by the tail? Okay, because so long as you're swinging, that mouth is far from you.

Can I do that for three hours? And you left an alligator does the alligator enjoy and then are you friends afterwards right? Maybe I made a maybe I made a pal helicopter ride, and then it's just like Hissing at you all the rails are 500 pounds. Oh, you're toast It just chomps you I can't imagine how you get a female more Straight for the tail thing and he just starts... Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Did something just fall down on our set? Something fell off the wall. I don't know what it was. Someone let us know later. It's okay. No one cares. I'm gonna go with the alligator. I'm gonna give him my arm.

I'll go in the room. I am going to have the rest of my life looking back at the horrific traumatizing situation I had in the room with the people, but I will look back and be alive. So I will choose the 100 people and the 200 degrees. And I mean like, when you're done with that room,

then going on like a subway, that's gonna be nothing. This is easy. Yeah. You're just desensitizing yourself for the future. I'm figuring this alligator out, it ain't getting me. I mean, you've got to close the mouth. That's, well, the note, I really think that we have this app and we come out, we're just, we're dehydrated. We're barely conscious. And Andy just strolls out. Cause the alligator slept for three hours. Like that's what's going to happen. If you can catch it. Well, it's sleeping. You offer

it a pillow. I give it all, just wrap all your clothes up and like lift it set up and just... Just shhh. If you get to bring one item in with you... The sleeping bag? What item would you bring in? With the alligator? With the alligator. Ooh.

Stilts? Oh, that's not a bad one. That's really not a bad one. It's probably knocking my stilts down. Yeah, you'd need more like a ladder I don't think he would knock the ladder down I like an old just a plain aluminum one the 500 pound croc or alligators take nothing he couldn't but I don't know if his Brain it is do you die if you're in a? whole suit of armor

No, like Knights armor cuz it will grab you and I don't think it can come around and stuff But you don't get a full suit you get one piece of the armor, right? Yeah Well, I used to have a chest plate probably the legs Yeah, the level yeah, probably the legs cuz it will go for the legs first, right? I can't jump right these aren't jumping alligator. I don't know now. I have like an alligator I don't can it go up on its tail I'm not even sure it can turn like do that if it can't turn it a hard enough right angle I can get away from this thing they I think if it if they do gradual lefts. I'm good

I'm not sure if that's actually true or just a myth. I'm just making it up right now I don't know if it's true. It just looks like the kind of thing that can't take a hard right, but they're very dumb They're very fast. I know there is straight line speed though, right? They've never seen me juke. Yeah, can they handle a crossover? Let's see 30 probably not 35 miles an hour. Welcome to the alligator hour 35 miles an hour on land. Yeah. No, they get tired quickly though. Tyree kill can't do that Yes, that's a really fast. I'm on 500 pounds running 35 miles an hour dinosaur after so I guess I'm that's a really fast animal. What a monster. 500 pounds running 35 miles an hour. Dinosaur after you. So I guess I'm just.

That is a dinosaur. That's terrible. They can also jump five to six feet. No, they can't. What? That's what I'm reading. That's probably from water. No.

That's what they're on a trampoline. I mean, they can jump higher from water, but they can still jump five feet from water. They can. Oh my gosh. So the object you. What? With their stump legs?

That's what I. My mind is blown. What kind of Achilles tendons are in these alligators? So the eye the what with their stump legs Kind of Achilles tendons are in these alligators I'm I got a I got to find some footage of an all the dinosaurs could jump Just changes everything we're lucky that meteor showed up. Yeah, right on time. We would not be around Do I do we stay with the alligator the rest of the show or are we going we moving on? Wow out of the water alligators can really jump. Well like they might as well be a shark. They just swim and then they go out? Yeah and the tail just wow. Like a dolphin? Yeah. What? Oh I'm talking like this is whole body straight up out of the water. Wow. All right next question. Brooks is definitely not more afraid now. Stay out of the swamp.

So we're moving our company to Florida, by the way. Do not try to jump the alligator. Oh, because it'll just jump up and get you. You just became a game at that point. Can you pretend you're an alligator with it? Go to the ground? I've seen alligators fight alligators. Oh, dang it.

Yeah, there's no winning here. Even if I were you? Be in the room with the people. All right, dang it. There's no winning here. Even if I were you? Be in the room with the people. All right, all right. Emily from Patreon, would you rather live in rural Alaska and never have to work another day in your life

or live on a beach in a beautiful tropical climate but you have to work until the age of 67? So Alaska seems like, I've never been, but seems like a very beautiful place at times. But then there are gonna be times where it's always nighttime. And if you're- Very cold. If you're, yeah, very, very cold.

If you're in rural Alaska, I think you're working every single day of your life just to live. That's literally what this read to me is. It's like, you never have to work another day in your life for a company, but you do have to work all day every day to stay alive, just to stoke a fire.

Yeah. And let me ask you this. Do you guys currently work? Do I? Do you currently have a job? No, I enjoy what I do, so I don't work a damn lot. Well, that's great. Andy and I actually work over here.

It shows. But we work, and I would prefer to just keep working on a beach. Work isn't the worst thing in the world here. Can you podcast from a beach? I'm pretty confident you can podcast. The sea breezes can get in. You need a certain filter. Yeah, like Al can figure that out. The whole time you're gonna hear whoosh. And then. You hear the ocean. The waves.

Every single time. I apologize for the relaxing water sounds, everybody. Gotta move our set as the tide comes in. We do try to get as close to the water as we can. That's a good point. First sandcastle set in history. I would just have a big wooden dock, like a floating dock. That's where I set up my own.

Absolutely. Like not going to get seasick? Probably. I'll have a bucket. Well, no, I'll just go. Let me tell you about blurr. What's the difference between blurr? Yeah, it's going to be a great ASMR podcast

the soothing sounds of Ocean and you that's the name of my pocket that I was nice. Yeah, that's nice I'll go to the tropical climate. Thank you. Me too. Yeah, 67 who cares? Yeah, it's actually a pretty good age to retire It's not like you have to work every day until you're 95. What is Yeah, me too. 67, who cares? Yeah. That's actually a pretty good age to retire. It's not like you have to work every day until you're 95. What is? That's about right. Right there.

Is it 65 or 55? 67 is the full Social Security. OK. When do I get on ARP? By the time we're that old, it will be like 71, 72. When can you get on ARP? I think that's 60 and above or 65 and above. What age do you-

I'll probably know. They send me stuff all the time. They're prepping you. Like they're just like, hey, why haven't you signed up for ARP yet? Like what? You're not a part of pre-ARP? For real? Yes. That's people over 50.

Whoa. 50. No wonder they're sending it to you. They send me crap all the time. Jason, are you already up in that business? No. I'm actually surprised they're sending stuff to Mike. I've never had, I've never seen an ARP letter before, but that's the, uh, what does that stand for? Retired people that I think it starts with an ace. So I'm guessing it doesn't American retired American retired people. Come on, Al, you've got to have this one for us. Association of advanced stage retired people. Yeah, I think, nailed it.

There has to be some. American Association of Retired Persons. Oh, persons. Okay. Okay. So. Not people. Much more polite. They need a pre-ARP. I want discounts in my 40s is what I'm saying. What is the age of student ID? Not necessarily for us, like, in our current job, our current role, but what is the age, generically speaking, that you think most people would want to retire at? Like what? Want to? 60, 55, 60?

55? I see, my number was like 65. I felt like that would be like the normal... I don't think so. I'm not saying when you're that age, but like right now looking ahead, like I want to retire by... 50. Yeah, I mean... I think're that age, but like, right now looking ahead, like I wanna retire by... 50. Yeah, I mean...

I think most people want out. Yeah, the thing is, like, do you have the means when you hit the retirement to golf all day, to basketball all day, to go to the tropical climate? I mean, it's just, it's... Talk about alligators. What all can I do after I right new question. I retired new question Would you rather retire at 50 with enough money to go about day-to-day life, but you're you're living

Fixed income fixed income and you know, you're you're not splurging on anything budgeting and and living Not super comfortable, but you can get by at 50, but you don't have to work, or work till you're 70, but at that point, you can do anything you want, anything. Oh, definitely the 50 one. Yeah, definitely. To 70 is too far.

Health is not, yeah, it's too far. Your health is, you're likely to have. 65. I mean, think about life expectancy, Jason. It's like in the mid 70s. Yeah. Oh man man so you're talking about getting like five years of kind of wrinkling around town I mean I I'd rather just be fit how many times out can I eat a month on this fixed income

four yeah four times fine that's fine once a week I'll go out to Louby's at four so that means like one DoorDash. Per month? Yeah. Yeah that's fair. That's a problem. That's gonna be a lot of ramen. I just know that if you're 70 there's a decent chance you're not. Now it's time to live. That's exactly right. Time to learn surfinged to nerd surfing. Up my hip. That's tough. I mean, Al, how would you answer that one? Which one would you go with, Al? Maybe 70 was too old.

I think 70 was too old. If you had gone 60, that's worth the wait. I'd go 60, yeah. What about you, Al? Yeah, 50. Or 60. Whatever. So either... He wasn't listening to the show. I want to be on both sides. 50 or 60.

I'm sorry, I thought both sides 50 or 60 Do you want that do you want the I'm retiring earlier earlier, thank you. Thank you. What about you? Yeah, bro, Sam earlier. That's the one Brooks is currently retired I think most people don't talk about alligators want to retire as soon as humanly possible I don't need a lot of money to play pickleball all day Okay, Brooks What if we said you could retire tomorrow, but you have to go to Florida oh No, the swamp can't do it Can't live in fear this is good. This is good to know yeah, they live in the Cretaceous down there in Florida.

This is good to know. I've got new gifts to purchase for this man. All right. Do they have alligator drones that we could just fly one in? Just remote control alligator cars. Yeah. Tina from the website, would you rather live in a house where you walk four flights of stairs to the kitchen or three flights? Stairs to the bathroom. I like this question. I once watched a TV show people out there They probably know it. I don't remember the name of it So maybe they won't be able to know it but it was basically these this older couple that bought a castle and In France like an old castle and it was all about them renovating this castle

There's a reality show. It's a reality show took place in France. They got a moat like it's beautiful Oh, you get a moat shows great. So they have alligator for sure or crocodiles. Yeah the difference I did the nose shape is this escape to the shot? Yes, it is escape to the chateau. Have you ever seen that? I just looked it up. I was gonna say and your property is called the chateau. It's called the shit That's pretty sweet. It's in France. Would you like to come visit my chateau? I want a chateau. Yeah, but the can I retire 50 and get a chateau? That's what they did They just bought this chateau and now they're they host they just use it to host like weddings and events because it's a chateau Oh, so it was a business decision.

Well, they made a business out of it. Yeah, but the point is of this whole story, one, living in a castle seemed really cool, and two, there's massive staircases everywhere to get from one room to the next. And really tiny. And there's four stories in this thing and there's wings of the house,

and so one of the things they have to do is they have to go up and down these staircases all the time. I have been able to go to Europe and see some castles and stuff. These stairwells, man, are sketchy. They are so tiny. They were literally built 500 years ago. Why were people so little back then?

I don't know. But I'm just saying, like, when you're're going if you had to go up and down those stairs every single day your odds of falling are very high. It feels like if you buy a house with multiple flights of stairs there's an expiration date. Like you were not going to eventually you will not be able to handle that. Well eventually you get the little lift. You get the chair lift and you go weeeeeee. Do they make those faster now? No, they're so slow. It seems like they can't make them fast. They're so slow. Why can't we whiz you up the stairs?

Seriously. Yeah, just turn up the, take off the, what, the governor? Yeah! Is the man holding us down on our chair lifts? I mean slow it down towards the end, don't shoot me off the other side. No, I think that would be a nice exit. Especially on the way up it just slams into the end and you just are off and running. It's like keep move your

legs now and then you land and you run it. They do make a lot of knee related you know helpful things for the elderly like the chair like the recliners that stand you all the way up. Yeah. You seen those? I have not. Oh they're everywhere. So it's a recliner and then when you're like I'd like to recliners that stand you all the way up. Yeah, you've seen those. I have not. Oh, they're everywhere It's a so it's a recliner and then when you I'd like to get out now It just goes to the standings. It stands you up, man. Yep. Yep I've looked into them Sounds so nice. I don't have to get out of this chair I've looked at the point of my life where I don't even have to stand up by myself. And our person reached out, you say, huh?

So four flights for the kitchen, three flights for the bathroom. I use the bathroom more than the kitchen. And I've never had an emergency. Right. I gotta get to the kitchen. If I don't get to the kitchen in 30 seconds, there's going to be a huge mess. Your health is going to be great because if you have to make the decision in your head I don't just have to walk over there and get a snack I gotta go force flights up you might burn

the calories of the snack on the way up and down. Not only that but there. Say or when you go down to the kitchen you bring the you bring the kitchen back up it's it's not I'm gonna grab two Oreos it's I'm gonna grab two bags of Oreos. True. Because I'm not coming back to this kitchen. My rations for the day? Alternatively, I might stay in the kitchen. I might just put a little, my office desk is now in the kitchen because it is four flights away.

Put like a Murphy bed in there? Yeah, that sounds nice. I could sleep there, do my work right next to my office desk. If you live 10 years with the three flights for the bathroom situation, how many accidents are you having? Oh, so many. So, so many. Despite having pooped my pants, I don't find a lot of emergency trips to the bathroom. Not a lot of speed walking?

Not a ton. Think about three flights at one in the morning. And you're just, you're just. The morning ones. Like you've had a big night out, and you're getting up at one because you've got to go take a tinkle. Here's the deal. Are these down?

This morning. Do you go down to the bathroom or up to the bathroom? Both directions. Well. It's always. I'm just thinking middle of the night going down to the bathroom might be more dangerous. Either way, you've got to come back.

So you're going to do both. Yeah, but I'll be more awake after the poop, is all I'm just thinking middle of the night going down to the bathroom might be more dangerous either way You've got to come back. So you're gonna do both. Yeah, but I'll be more awake after the poop is all this morning I had to go to the bathroom so bad, but I was so much just just a giant morning pee Okay, but I was so sleepy and I'm like I'm not getting out of the bed. What? Let the sleep overcome the overcome the need to urinate? Absolutely. You suppressed it? I suppressed it for another hour. You absorbed it?

Did you go back to sleep? So I couldn't ever really get to sleep. Because you had to pee. Because I had to pee so bad. But my- I've fought it before. My point is, when I'm fighting this because I don't want to get out of bed and walk a few feet, I. I'm going to end up with a bucket if I'm you know what I mean

with that band. I'm just going to have like a little a little pee box. You just need a bed that can stand you up when you're done. But it raises your spouse too. So she has to get up. Just better have a toilet. I would like a bed with a toilet please. You've got to go. You've got to go four flights of stairs to the kitchen here. And honestly, truly, that would be much, much healthier because the amount of times where, I mean, it's a habit, and I'm sure I'm not alone here even though I'm the fat guy, where it's like sometimes you just go and you open that fridge door. You know what I mean?

You're just like, ah, I'm just wanting to, it's like I'm almost looking for something to do. Right. Not hungry. I'm just like, there's a fridge. I should open that and see if there's anything I like. Is there a number of flight of stairs that you can hit that it switches? Like if this is 10 flights of stairs to the kitchen or three to the bathroom?

Yeah, I think it's gonna be double, six. 10 flights to the kitchen. Just throwing out a big number. I think it's going to be double. Six. Ten flights to the kitchen. I'm just throwing out a big number. I'm going to start doing one of those, you eat once and fast the rest of the day things. Wow. Okay, let's enter. How many flights of stairs to the restaurant?

That's a lot. I'll take that. Into the Situation Room we go. The Situation Room. Alrighty. Here we go. Isaac from Patreon, your local wizard, has once again approached you with a proposition. He can bring any one future invention into the present day for the world to use, but the catch is you and your family can never use it what future invention do you give to the

world oh man that sucks that you can't use it yeah that you can't use it see all this this great new tech and then get just get jealous? Why? I have one, I have an idea here that you may not be jealous of, but it seems like if we had it, we could solve a lot of world hunger problems. What if we had like a, essentially a 3D printer for food, which I'm sure they're working on that out there somewhere. Okay.

But you, but it's like, it's bugs. Huh? It's like, it's insects. That's the, the, the... Are you trying to create something that solves other people's problems but is also still gross for you? Yes. So like, imagine...

The world gets to eat bugs. Yeah, so like it's like... Crickets. Crickets and locusts which apparently very nutritional Yeah, protein rich should you eat them? But it's like yeah, you put it in the in the 3d printer and then it makes it look like a steak So just to be clear taste good, but it's made out of bugs. Hold on just to be clear. Okay Rather than have the entire populace of the world

Happy to eat something just a steak maker like a steak maker right you'd rather feed the whole world but what's the steak made out of to make you not jealous of their food and now guessing that the steak is made out of cow but the problem is you can't we don't have enough cows for everybody well what you got it But there's enough bugs. This 3D printer, where does it get in the source material? From thin air elements? No, but you collect bugs.

Wait, but just collect the bugs, why do you need the printer? So what you're bringing back from the future is more bugs. You're saying the printer takes the bugs and makes it into a different shaped bug? Yes, different shaped meal. That's not a future invention anybody's looking at. Well it's not one that's actually going to ever be made. So this local wizard is going to go to find it and be like, he's going to come back. Say, Mike did the bug stick thing.

They never invented this great idea of yours. No one ever made a bug food maker. I'll say perfect. I'm on it. What about something that lets people habitably habitably live anywhere. So the population spreads out. Is that an invention in the future? Okay. I feel like what you need to live spread out is- So like a pod? I'm just thinking that helps me inadvertently, right? Like it lets you go live anywhere. Yeah, I mean that requires electricity. It's basically got to have like plumbing and electricity on the go because that's really what would allow that the average person to

That seems doable though because solar technology will improve over the next thousand years to where you should be able to sustain and then You know, I don't know we turn turn your pee into whatever so get rid of carbon dioxide Okay, I'm gonna go so I was thinking okay. Do you bring back like cures to diseases? turn your pee into whatever. Something to get rid of carbon dioxide. Just lay behind it. Okay, I'm gonna go, so I was thinking, okay, do you bring back cures to diseases? Yeah. Which is great, I mean, obviously that sucks.

I really hope my family does not get that disease that I've cured for everyone else, but not me. If it's contagious, you'll be good. And so now I don't really get anything out of this. I mean, the- What about a plaque? Because now there's, oh, that would be nice. I would appreciate a plaque. a statue Jason Jason Moore selfless dis person ever he brought in the cure for cancer

Knowing he couldn't use it. I mean, I mean the the traffic jams with so many more people that would be really tough So I'm going to say that you're saying yeah instead So I'm going to instead. Because they lived you're saying? Instead. I feel like there was a jump in there somewhere. I'm going to bring back teleportation. It is going to happen Mike. It is going to happen. It is not going to happen.

Spitwads, Jason has been holding tightly to this fact that he believes we will eventually teleport everywhere. Yes, I believe we will eventually teleport everywhere. Yes, I believe we will get teleportation. Which of course will never happen. It will. Quantum entanglement. We will have teleportation. But when that happens.

That's a foregone conclusion. Moving on. Yes, it is. When that happens, my freeways are open. I mean, I'm just... They're not keeping that system maintained for you alone? Well, here's the problem. Okay, okay, if you could teleport, right? Yeah.

Where in your, in your mind of somehow we have figured this out. Yeah. Do you, can you just go anywhere or does there need to be a device on the other? So it's an airport basically. Right. With, with, with, with keyword air with like three hour lines like just huge huge lines to use the teleportation. How long does it take to disentangle? No, I think it will be an instant travel and it won't even be you. It'll be your clone. Yeah. Oh, maybe. Yeah. That's a big problem here. But I can't use it, Mike. So I'm okay. All of all of the rest of the world. Are you still you? This is all that problem here. That's interesting. But I can't use it, Mike, so I'm OK. All of the rest of the world are dying and being reborn.

Hey, are you still you? To be clear, this is also that you can drive on empty freeways? Yes. OK. I thought about giving space travel, but I'd be so jealous. Everyone leaving? I'd never be able to use it.

Bug steaks. Bug steaks. Now you've talked me into bug steaks. You're not eating them. No, that's the key. But they're delicious. I need you to pick one of these three situation rooms for me to go through because I think we're going to get into the draft after that. All right, let's go to Daniel's Daniel from Patreon, your local wizard. He's back. Oh. That wasn't long I've been gone for a whole question He has an idea if you choose to you can commit any crime Oh, and the wizard has the power to make that the last time anyone ever commits that crime

What? This is the trolley situation. What is happening? Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough power left over to save you from the consequences of the crime So you will do the appropriate time for the crime. Do you take him up on this or abstain? This podcast, we have a storied history of being very anti-murder. Yes. But you have to murder. I know. That's what I'm saying. To stop murder, you have to do the murder.

And we have declared many times on this show, you have to do the murder. And we have declared many times on this show, kids don't do the murder. Now hold on a second. If you accidentally do the murder in self-defense, does it only get rid of self-defense? Oh, that would be bad. That would be really bad. No one can protect themselves.

First degree, just skyrockets. So you have to make sure you're committing actual murder. Yeah, you gotta plan it. Is murder our biggest crime that would help? I mean, or you could do like theft. Because I feel like you could steal something. Lying? That's not a crime.

No, no laws against that. But if you stole, you could steal something of little to no value. Like if you stole a dollar from somebody, that counts. And now there's no more stealing. That's a pretty good way out. I know what I'm doing. And I'll deal with the consequences of stealing a dollar. No, that's not bad.

Yeah, that's a pretty good answer. That's a good trick. I was gonna try to scam someone on a phone call. Ooh, telemarketer? I think I was gonna try to, yeah, but it has to be illegal. So an illegal scam via telemarketing. can't be hard time can we but that would help the world a lot. Can we like encompass that into like the emails to the phishing emails? Spam like a spam campaign? The phishing emails out there

are getting pretty good like you've been you've been hooked? I have not but there's I have definitely had to double check some before. I mean, you're always doing the thing where you click, OK, what's the actual email address this is coming from? And that was easy. But I got hit from one that was like a help.apple.com or something. They had gotten Apple into the actual email

address and I was like well this is strange and then googling it it was no this this is a fraudulent email but they're they're getting so sophisticated now they must be getting so many of those are all the ARPs all the old people's money is gone it is it has now been. I feel really bad for old people who have email. They're getting it. There's no way to protect yourself. I already clicked this link 10 times. Let me put the login in one more time. I already gave you my bank account. You need my social again? We're going to be those people getting bamboozled too. Eventually we will.

Yeah, but it'll come in the teleportation machine. So that's my clones problem. What other crimes? I know mine, because the worst crimes that you wanna get rid of, I'm not committing. Right. But I think drugs are a real problem for a lot of people. So if I do illegal drugs, which, you know,

look, take one for the team. Sorry, you have to. I'm cleaning the streets. I don't have to OD. I don't have to die. So you're saying. No, OD doesn't mean you die. Well, oftentimes. You're hospitalized. Yeah, usually. You don't, you don't ever die unless you OD. You can OD without dying, but you don't die without ODing. So you're going to do some drugs? So I'm going to do some drugs to clean up the streets. Now you only get rid of- This is for you, kids! This is for you! You've got a 10 minute period to do as many of the drugs you want to eliminate.

Yeah, you gotta do them all. Oh no, I only eliminate the drugs I do? Yeah. Because you stole a dollar and apparently got rid of all theft. I mean, that's theft. Yeah. Well, but doing a drug. That's what the judge says, right? You but doing a drug. That's it. That's what the judge says.

Right. Doing a drug. You were doing drugs. You're very knowledgeable. First degree drug. Drug taking. I don't know what to take, but I'm going to take the worst. I'm going to get the worst stuff off the street. Oh, fentanyl. Got it.

Get the drug doer. We might have time for one more, huh? What else? We got time for one more? Yeah, I think the last one there will be pretty quick. Whittison from Patreon, you're presented with the opportunity to double one, half one, and keep one the same. Your strength, your speed, and your knowledge.

Oh, man. Double one, have one, keep one the same. Wow. Strength, speed, knowledge. I'm having my speed. That one I know. You're doubling it? Having.

Oh, you're gonna have, okay. I'm having my speed because I'm not that fast. But here's the thing, Jason, because I started immediately thinking like this. That's gotta be like walking speed and everything, right? Yeah, no, there's everything. So we are definitely not the fastest people in the world. We aren't like world-class athletes.

But we did a, many, many years ago, you ran a 40-yard dash, and you were at like five points something. Okay. Cut that in half. Double your speed, and you are running at elite. You might be the fastest person in the world. You would be. Oh wow I did not think of that. Like even even if you ran a six second 40 yard dash you would run

a three second 40. Am I doing that right? No you're doing it a hundred percent right and of course. So you are the fastest person in the world by a lot. You'd win every Olympic event you'd be in. You'd play in the NFL. You could do whatever you wanted. You could start the NFL at 40. Mike, you're doing some great work over here. I mean, that's incredible, because I'm thinking, what can I bench press?

I could bench press, I don't know, just say about 200 pounds. Right. There's people who can bench press 400 pounds. You can get there. So that's not worth it. Right, I agree. I can bench press 400 pounds. You can get there. So that's not worth it. Right. I'm not looking to lift a car. I don't, you know, and I'm not looking to help anybody move. So doubling my strength is probably not going to be that great for me. I'll open a

jar of pickles easier. Now hold on. Oh, you've got to. If you double your speed that means you are going to have to have Either your strength or your knowledge, right? Yes, so you said you know you would become this is like the character building on You would become much weaker unless you're gonna get rid of half your knowledge. No one's getting rid of That's the double it's gotta be the it's gotta be the fastest man alive It's gotta be the double or the normal you cannot half your knowledge man alive. It's gotta be the double or the normal. You cannot half your knowledge. If you half your knowledge, I mean you're just. Your speed means nothing. I guess I could. You're so stupid. Oh, I'm so smart.

That's my voice. It was just now. No, I mean, I think you have to, I'm gonna double knowledge. It would be sweet. I'm gonna have to. Also being the fastest person alive is pretty sweet. I don't think doubling knowledge would be as sweet as you think. This is not doubling your intelligence.

It's not making you able to think through things in a much, it's just total knowledge. Okay. Which is the form of intelligence. Yes, it is. It, your book smarts. Yes. You, you'll have a lot of, uh, encyclopedic knowledge and, but my quips I

could throw in absolutely unlimited but my point is like I'm getting through life just fine with my limited knowledge okay like much but you're getting through life just fine with your speed and your strength but if you double any of our knowledge right I don't think we're doing anything great double our knowledge I would be saying peace out to both of you suckas. I'm finding some better company. Yeah.

You double my knowledge. I'm out of here. You wouldn't want to be around us. You would have to. I know. Everyone else would be so dumb to you. And now you're hanging out with the nerds. The boring old nerds.

I mean enjoy your new friend group nerd. I'm kicking some butt on the stock market. Yeah. No. I'm sipping bourbon in a sitting room somewhere. You seen Limitless? Mean enjoy your new friend greg nerd on the stock market. Yeah Sippin bourbon in a sitting room somewhere you seen limitless But that's the thing that's knowledge intelligence not his knowledge. Have you not heard that knowledge is power? Yeah, I have heard that that and that is true, but you just have to battle. It's not like Yes, it is yes it is Mike all right

I'm taking half the strength and I'm doubling my speed. Thank you Mike. You're welcome. That's pretty good. I mean it would be To be that fast like when I just just what are you having your strength? Yeah, then I'm doubling my strength Because I'm finally gonna be stronger than you and it's gonna be great It's gonna throw me around if you can catch me what you can't Okay, I'm on team speed always wins. I will I'm gonna double the speed. I'm vain. Yeah, let's go Mike I'll be out wide left you be out wide right. I mean if you if you were that fast three seconds 40 and you're 40 so if you ran a three second 40 at 40 do you get a job in the NFL

right now? Probably. Just running fly routes? Yeah. Yeah, you probably do. You double your speed, but not your cardio. Oh, well then I would run 10 yards. At that speed? Well, like, with double speed, even at 40, you can do the Olympics. This is interesting. Now it's time to jog. If I don't have the cardio, this is easy.

He'll settle for a four second 40. Yeah, exactly. Just to have a casual jaunt. I'm not giving it anything until the ball's in my hand and then see you later. Oh that would be, yeah, a lot of screens. Alright, we're drafting. The Spitballers Draft. Well we are drafting the best dog breeds. Yes, we are.

As defined by our individual subjective determination of what best means. Yeah, that's kind of all over drafts. Exactly. Just setting up the table here. Mike, go ahead and make the first pick. So, I feel like I could play the game with this particular breed, but I'm not sure that it matters in this draft, so I'm just taking my favorite dog. I will be taking the English Bulldog. They are so ugly that they are beautiful dogs. They got

the smash face. That's the pan face, right? Yes, it's the smash face. They always have the underbite. Their teeth are sticking out the bottom. You said English Bulldog? Yeah. And is that the same as just what we would normally consider a Bulldog?

Yeah, mostly. There's other. There's like French Bulldogs, right? Yes, which someone could take that. That's why I was being specific of the English Bulldog. We'll give you all the Bulldogs. They were bred that way which you know like you just grew some dog knowledge like they were bred that way so that they could fight bears. What? Yeah. How does a smushed face help you fight a bear?

I do not know. The smush face came out of the fight, but the But then they like there used to be you know back in the old times They would have fights and they would put the dogs. I'll take their bear I But he was bred for this yeah, I'll take a bear, but they're just there. They're always snorting They're just they're so cute, and they're so much fun Yes, they do from the the breeding for bears thing. Yes, they weren't really worried about longevity, they were worried about bears. That makes absolutely-

It's not a really long life with your fighting bears. That makes no sense whatsoever to me on any level. One, why would you breed dogs to fight bears? I don't know, man. Like it's not gonna help you. There was no internet. There wasn't a lot to do. How do you go, you know what we need?

We need to breed these dogs for bears. Okay, what do we do? You smay, we get the face smashed in. Okay, how do you breed a smushed face? We've made all of these breeds. I need double the knowledge. I don't know anything about breeding smushed faces, to be fair. All right,. I need double the knowledge. I don't know anything about reading smushed faces, to be fair.

All right, so I get the first pick, instead of smushed face. This one I feel obligated to take. See, I didn't fall into that trap. And, well this isn't- I wasn't with my heart. No, this is my heart. This is my favorite dog.

You're just obligated Matters of the heart are often obligations. I feel obligated Because this is my personal dog Okay, it is my personal dog because it is my favorite breed of dog Oh, okay, so I'm gonna take a golden doodle because I don't want the shedding of a new hot river I don't want the sassiness of a poodle. So I'm gonna take a golden doodle because I don't want the shedding of a new retriever I don't want the sassiness of a poodle. So I'm gonna take a golden doodle. That's my that's two now thirds of my dog How would your other dogs that you've had in the past that have come and gone feel about this decision just based on your new Hotness, um, they would say I wish I could be as good as a golden doodle. I wish I could not shed.

I wish I could be big and strong. You're saying all these things, and so you, for a while, had two golden doodles. Yes, still do. And then you got a, yeah, still do, sorry. But then you're like, I need a third dog, but it will not be the great golden doodle dog. Yeah, three big dogs, too much dog.

So I got a tiny dog. We have a golden doodle as well. Oh, what a good thing. That's the extent of my dog breed knowledge. There you go. The golden doodle that we got. Yes. So I'm choosing all dogs based on a different selector here. Okay. Do we get to know? I didn't grow up with dogs. I wasn't a pet guy. Really? I don't find them all that amazing. Well, they're not amazing. They're the best. I will say that my wife recently accidentally.

Got a second dog? Got our golden doodle trimmed at the groomer. They misinterpreted her, and now he looks like a poodle. Yes, yes. The grooming of the long-haired dogs is very difficult to get exactly how you want the dog to look. Well, he looks stupid now. I don't even respect him.

You're like, well, no, it's supposed to look like this. She's like, yeah, but I don't want it to look like that. But what if it did? They have strong opinions, the groomers. Oh, very strong. Yeah. They got the little poof on the foot It looks so stupid. Oh, he's got the poofy. No, he's just got a poodle face now and it's like

she said something about trimming a little extra around his mouth and You gotta ask you gotta ask for the teddy bear face. Yes, we get the puppy cut. Yeah. Yeah. Well anyways, I don't respect Everybody he looks stupid and I've been making fun of him to his face He'll be back in a couple months, but no I'm picking dogs based on how much damage they can inflict So I am beginning with and combined with how much they resemble Something cool like a cool looking dog. Like former presidents. All right. I Don't know. Okay, so I'm writing down my first guess then of your game. I'm going with the German Shepherd. Yeah.

That is my very first guess. Rinse and tin, bro. I didn't think about the utilization of them as police dogs. Yes. German Shepherds are awesome. They'll rip you up. They're brilliant dogs. They're very smart, but they're also terrible puppies.

Like you gotta make it to year two before you can love this dog and then they're the best dog ever. And then I'm following that up with a Rottweiler. I'm going with a Rottweiler because again, we'll rip you up. Yeah, Rottweilers can do some real damage. They're also beautiful dogs. I am ranking them by dogs that if I hit a ball over a neighbor's fence as a kid, and I wanted to jump over, jump over and get that ball, I would be at risk. Okay. All right? All right. You just, you hit that ball, you go, well, that's gone.

Yes. That's gone forever. The dog will either eat the ball or eat you if you try to pursue and get the ball. Okay. So I'm going with Rottweiler as my second. No, it's a good pick. It's on my list. It's a good pick. I'm just. It's on my list. It's more of a battle royale for me. So Al, make sure

the pole. It's best dog breeds. I'll take a chihuahua. They will interpret it however they want. Alright. If you put some bears in this fight. Yeah. The flat face will really get them. Yeah. Um for the record, I would take a German Shepherd over the flat face dog in a fight against bears, despite the breeding. You don't know your history. I do not. All right. Ironically, I am going to take a dog that I do think in a battle

royale would be a good pick, but this was next on my list. I think these are the most amazing dogs. And if you've never... you'll know the dog when I say it. You'll see it, you'll be like, oh yeah, okay. But if you've never actually in real life been around one, you do not realize how big they are. They are horses. I'm taking a Great Dane. Yes, they are very horse-like.

Saddle up and ride, because I had a friend in college who had two Great Danes and these were giant four Great Danes. I couldn't believe it. Standing on all four feet I felt like they were almost my height. I was terrified to walk in that house because if these dogs had a problem with me I lose and they like they can just look over your fence when they go up on the highlights there's like hey what's going on over there I'm just I'm just eight feet tall now they're so big they don't live very long though right I don't think that's the sad part yeah Dan isn't just a few like four years or something

I don't know about four downside they the sad part of the Great Dane, isn't it? Just a few, like four years or something? I don't know about four. That's the downside. They should just be Danes. But like, I think that's a, it's a all big dog problem. They don't live as long. And they're huge, so they're at the bottom of that list. Yes, they are very, very big. All right.

Okay, Mike. I will, I'm gonna go with my next pick. If it's French Bulldog, man, you really pulled one over on us. I do love French Bulldogs, but no, I'm not going with that. I'm going with, I'm going with, uh, we're going to go with a Husky. Oh, yeah.

Dang it. It was going to be my drink. Oh, for really? Well, because that one looks like a wolf to me. It does. So even though it's not as dangerous. Huskies are. I want a wolf.

Are beautiful. Can I draft wolf? What color eyes are we working with here? Oh, blue. We gotta go with those baby blues. Oh really? Yeah. I like the one blue.

I like when they've got the different colored eyes. Okay. And they're incredible creatures. I don't feel like I can have a husky here in Arizona. It would be just mean to that dog who will never ever see the snow and will be hot all the time. Just take him to the groomer, Mike. They won't mind. Just buzz him. Just all the way down to the skin.

Can you pluck this dog? Just take it all out. Alright, so I got the English Bulldog, I got the Husky, and then you went with the hybrid breed Jason, so I'm just going to go with the old fashioned. The Golden Retriever.ver yeah which these are also beautiful dogs and they are I think they're also terrible puppies yes they're like labs German Shepherds and and Golden Retrievers nightmare puppies they're just too playful to write a control much energy and then they're the best but then when they get big they are like the friendliest dogs like they have they're the best dogs. But then when they get big, they are like the friendliest dogs. They're the kind of dog where they look like they're smiling all the time, and they're

just super happy. They're so excited to see you. They're smart. They're like, hey, there you are. Do I know you, Mr. Dog? No, but there you are, and I love you. When you think of like man's best friend type of, you know of adage referring to dogs, you think of golden retrievers.

They are so loyal, but enjoy all the hair you're going to be sweeping up. That's the other problem. I will never have a golden retriever because of the shedding. Yeah. All right. You got both? That's my two, yeah. All right.

So I am back up here. I got a couple ways I can go here um I love the way one of these looks But I think they're terrible dogs So I don't interesting. I don't Oh, man, but it's it's such a cool looking dog and so famous They're at the fire stations. I'm taking them. Oh, yeah

This is the place they are terrible dogs. This is the place to draft them because I don't want to actually own a Dalmatian, but Dalmatians are so cool. Are they getting a bad rap though? I don't think so. I think they got a good rap from the movies and then people went out and got them and they were like, this sucks. Cause like pit bulls get a bad rap because they're, if they are trained to be mean, this feels like a dog that Andy should select.

But it's, but they're not, like they're fantastic dogs. But I've heard Dalmatians are just mean, mean. Are they? Does anyone know? Yeah, I think that's true. Okay, is that because they- I mean, does anybody know yeah I think that's true okay is that because I mean does anybody know I've never had a Dalmatian because they have to live at the fire depot right yeah the fire station they do have to stay down

with Cruella Dalmatians they don't live with Cruella well they eventually they do they lived yeah oh man yeah Dalmatians originated as war dogs. What? And hunting animals. Why did we put spots on them? Well, I don't know that we put the spots on them. But yeah, I'll take a Dalmatian because they're really, really cool looking, very famous dogs. And I don't have to have this in my house.

Well, perfect. Then I'm left with the Pit Bull as my next pick. Rottweilers are the same where they can be really, I think Rottweilers are really aggressive towards other dogs and they get a bad rap too. All those dogs get a bad rap, in part because bad owners, right? Bad dog owners.

Yes, they're trained to be that way. But I will go with Pit Bull for my third pick and to fill out my perfect four pack of intimidating dogs, I'm going to go with the one that I was neighbors with, that many a time I wanted to tempt fate and jump over the fence. But they had two gigantic Doberman Pinschers. Oh, yeah.

Which I think they're in contention for cool as silhouette of a dog. Yeah, for sure. They're guard dogs. So I mean, these things. Yeah, that's Mr. Burns' dogs. My brother was up on the fence once and the dog jumped up and,

oh no wait, that was a Dalmatian. Ooh. He got bit by a Dalmatian. Of course he did. That jumped up. Some monsters. The Doberman never got him. But they are scary looking dogs.

They are. Especially as a kid. They're so tall. Those pointy ears. I confuse Rottweilers with Doberman Pinchers. And now that I'm looking at it, because we had, sometimes I think we had a Rottweiler growing up, we had a Doberman Pinscher, but it had the rottweiler growing up. We had a Doverman pincher, but it had the rottweiler coloring It was the black and brown but it was the thin

It was the story I think I've told where we had this dog on a leash in our backyard and he jumped over the fence, right? Yeah, yeah, and we thought he hung himself. He did not Thankfully, um, they're delight. They're very delightful Those ears pointing straight up are pretty cool. And if you watch... Like, I'm gonna eat you now. Yeah, similar to your silhouette comment, if you want to watch a dog just run, like, that's one of the best-looking dogs on the move.

Alright, my final pick? Yes, that is, yep. Okay, I got quite a few here that I could go with. Do I go with the name? Both of these are name important to me because of the name. I'm going to go with the dog that I really do like. It's hypoallergenic. Okay. So I could have this dog in my house and I want a tiny dog on my list here And are you allergic to dogs? I'm not but the rest of my family. Okay, so got it for my boys I got a you know got a haven't right none

How do you say that non Dander Allergenic that's what allergenic. Yeah, okay, whatever hyper allergenic, but I love the name This name is important to me I've been saying a lot. I'm gonna take a B Jean frise In part because I want B Jean Robinson in a fantasy football draft But I'm taking a B Jean frise, it's a good dog. Yeah, we had a B Jean poo For many years. Yeah, we had a Bichon Poo for many years. Yeah, that's just a Bichon Frise with a poodle?

Yeah. OK. Rascally fella. Yeah, they're a little erratic. A little yappy. Yeah. OK, so I am up. It's fun to say, Bichon Frise.

Yeah, it's not bad. All right. What's a dog name you like to say, Mike? Oh, got one on my list. Oh, come on. It's a cock a. Grow up. It's a cock a boo. Oh, yes. Oh, I thought you were going the other way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Both are great. Is he? So I am very torn right now for my final pick between going with my first dog, the breed of the first dog I ever had, or staying with hashtag team big dog. Cause I like, I'm very much on team big dog. And now is that because of demeanor or is that because you actually just like a big dog? I just like the, a big dog.

I feel like with the little ones I'm like hurt them. Yeah. You're like I might accidentally step on you and I don't know. I mean big dogs are generally calmer. I did have my small dog for one day before breaking her arm and having to take her to surgery. Why did you do that by the way? It was my son. So. Well. Wasn't me everybody. Take care of it, PETA. I'm going to go with, I'll go with Big Dog. I'm going to take a Boxer. Boxers are incredible dogs.

That's a cool dog. My wife, when I met her, they had a big old Boxer. He was just like, just so so smart but so gentle and kind of despite the gigantic size and there's I like I like the smooth hair dogs too more than the the long hair I know we get like I have two Bernadoodles now because they're because my kids are allergic to dogs too but when I prefer the look of a dog I like that smooth, the short hair, just looking real sleek. Boxers are so sweet and scary.

Yes. Like if I, I can't just go up and pet a boxer. I can't do it. If I don't know the boxer. Sure. I just, it's too big and scary. This is quite the interesting bunch. Mike has the well-rounded English Bulldog,

Husky, Golden Retriever, and Boxer. Jason's a little eccentric, I think. It bounces around, but the Golden Doodle, I mean, you gotta love the Golden Doodle. The Great Dane, enormous. Dalmatian, mean. Ferocious. And Bijan Frise, sounds cool.

Yeah, thank you. And then, don't mess with my game. Yeah, that's true. The German Shepherd. The German Shepherd, Rottweiler, Pitbull, and Doberman Pinscher, wow. Yeah. Yeah, we're a tough crowd Missed the Mastiff though. You missed. Yeah It's also I'm called a wolf dog, but I didn't think that would count cuz it's about 50-50

No, I think that is a dog and they are They're ginormous. Yeah, they're awful too. Oh, are they like super dangerous like a wolf? I kind of like the wolf part of them. It's half wolf That's the part that's scary Alright, we're moving. Oh, did you have any other ones you wanted to mention real quick? I'm the other one I was thinking about taking was the beagle but they I mean those Yeah, you want to talk about a rapt scallion? Yeah, beagles are way too smart and they are They'll also they'll also eat themselves to death what yeah, they will literally they they don't make me Beagles are way too smart and they are sneaky.

They'll also eat themselves to death. What? Yeah, they will literally, they will. Don't make me tell our beagle story. Oh no. In the Moore household, we say, or my wife says to me, don't beagle yourself. That's a common phrase in our house.

Because you might eat yourself to death? Yeah, yes. Okay, see, when you said that phrase, I pictured a dog chewing on itself. Oh no, no, no. They won't eat themselves. If we got in, we literally, this is not a joke, there was a party we were at, they had a six foot subway sub, and it was in the other room. Had? Had. Oh man. And they had a beagle, and this beagle ate so much, we thank goodness. We caught it like halfway through it was so you're a cartoon character The beagle looked like it had four feet of sandwich in this small little dog because it did That's terrifying. Yeah, it was but they're very funny, but they are and I yeah They they if you were not careful. Yes, they get, they get chonky real, real easy.

If I throw out another name it's just cock-a-poo. Yes. And I thought about a sharp head. What did we learn today? Because they're so wrinkly. You like your dog so you know, you know the dog world. I mean you knew that cool fact about the bears that is the thing I learned today. Yeah.

That the flat face. It was called bear baiting, I believe. It's a weird thing. The world was very weird. They had nothing to do without the internet. I learned that alligators can jump, so be more afraid of alligators and crocodiles than you already were.

I learned that I gotta get my staff working on the bug stakes. Yeah, no that'll be. Wave of the future. By the way, the one dog I feel like I need to mention because they're so sweet Australian greyhounds Oh Australian Greyhounds like the Greyhounds. I think they're not the not the big ones What am I thinking of the Australian Greyhounds are smaller? Oh, there's like reg I like sweet dogs almost all breeds of dogs, but gray hounds are

hideous. Yeah, they're really ugly. Like there's a tiny little face. There's people that love gray hounds and it's like, I, I, I've tried. I can't get behind this. And before we leave, uh, do you have a favorite dog breed out? Do you have one that, uh, Australian shepherds? Oh, those are great. Super smart. Yeah, they are too smart. Little too smart for their own good. Thank you for tuning in to the Spitballers Podcast. Tell your friends. Yes.

Hope you enjoyed the episode. We'll catch you next week with a brand new one. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.