Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Toilet Paper Tail & Worst Four Course Meal - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: August 21, 2025

Spit Hit for August 21st, 2025:On today’s hilarious episode, we dive into the world of spider breeders, leave a toilet paper trail, and discuss the finer qualities of chowder before drafting the WORST four course meal. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. Let's get gross. Get gross here today. I think my favorite part was Jason was doing his traditional headbob trying to get into the scat mood. His face started to become a grotesque, angry, disgusted, kind of grimace. Started thinking about some of the foods on today's episode and made me angry.

Yeah. And it, uh, I mean, that was a sound. welcome in I hope you know we've got I don't know how many hundreds of thousands of people are listening but the sheer volume someone

threw up because they're sympathetic puker sympathetic puker was just driving and had no idea that what I was going to do to them

their steering wheel is toast oh man I've never thought of like the driver of a car hurling directly forward that has to have happened it has to have happened for sure

I mean we all if we're all in that situation we try to I mean I once jumped off a city bus and instill hurled I mean I'm talking I was probably mid flight off of the bus right on the street I've gone head out of a New York cab

no you have not I have yeah head out of a cab is that a high moment of your life it was awful it was and this was anybody in this was not party related this was like just full motion sickness and it was the um and that's just what you felt like was the best option right i had no choice the option was i mean you could he in the into the window or out it wasn't like pull over i got to get out i it's a very strange place to be when all of a sudden you go when you're like this isn't going to happen i could fight it i could fight it no it's

going to happen and it cannot be stopped it was it was like it's a little it's making me a little sick to my sorry sorry no that's fine i'm trying to get someone to throw up on their steering wheel right now wow yeah that that one's a heck of a story uh jason did you want to contribute to any no no oh no uh i don't have any great awful vomiting stories like half to vomit right now stories all right well we'll move on uh we are jumping into Would you rather today? What's the difference? And our draft is the worst four-course meal that you can make.

So that's why Jason sounded the way he did at the beginning of the show. At Spitballerspot on X, you can follow us there. Spitballerspod.com's the website and tell your friends about the show. If you want them to, well, maybe not this one. Maybe not this episode. If they're a sympathetic piqueer. Wait till next week. Let's kick it off.

Would you rather? Would you rather have the world's largest pimple on the tip of your nose or a piece of toilet paper hanging out of your pants? The Rudolph pimple is tough. We've all had a small one of life's greatest challenges. Everyone has had the bright red pimple on the tip of your nose. and you look like you're about to guide the sleigh through the winter storm. And there's not much you can, I mean, that's a, it's not a spot to hide something.

And it's too close to your eyes where the other person can't not look at it. Because it's always in their field of vision. So they're trying, they're trying to look you in the eyes and they can't do it. And they're like, don't look. And they're doing the thing where the eyes are probably just, shaking because they're going between your nose and your eyes and it hurts yes there is they i mean if it if this is big enough emotionally and physically i was going to say if this is big enough to guy to slay it's not feeling good now i'm a little confused on the toilet paper as am i

hanging out of your pants no why is it hanging out of your why isn't it hanging off your shoe because you stepped on so yeah or or if if it was left there like wouldn't it be hanging out the bottom of your pants or i guess i'm seeing we need we need a we need a we need to know how many inches of toilet paper is hanging, because that will matter to me. Also, is it like a foot? Why, why has it become a, it's a known, oh, so embarrassing? Right.

You used the restroom as every human being does, and you stepped on a piece of toilet paper that was obviously a little bit wet because then it stuck your shoe. Why is that such a terrible thing? It's just, it actually took the bathroom with you. You know what I mean? I mean. You're walking.

That, but that's what it's just, it's, you're walking pee around. You're just, you're, you're tracking the pee or worse with you. But it's, it's so funny to me. I get that it can be a complete accident. It's just you, you, you, if you see that happen to someone like, what a slob. How gross of this person. Well, let me ask you this, Mike. If you saw toilet paper on the ground in the bathroom and you notice it.

Yeah. Would you choose to just walk your normal. pace your normal gate that just so happens to step on that piece of toilet paper? Or would you widen your step and step over the toilet paper? I would choose not to step on it. So that's part of it, right? Jason's saying it's a choice. Yeah. Jason's saying that if you pull, if you made the choice to.

You made the choice to not look around in the bathroom well enough. So you've become poopy. Because toilet paper equal poop equal you equal poop. So would you rather be Rudolph or poop? I mean, it's the toilet paper. Yeah, it's definitely the toilet paper. That's, that's a, that's a small, I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's the situation where it's like someone says, oh, dude, your fly's open. And then you go, oh no, and then you, then you fix it, you have the instant, all the memories rushing back.

What have I done today with my fly wide open? And it would be the same for the toilet paper of. Oh, man, how long has this been there? But once you catch it, you dispose of it. Could I wear a pair of... The pimple is going to be there for a while. Could I wear a pair of glasses low enough to where it sits? It's at the tip of your nose, man.

Your glasses would have to be resting on the pimple. As the rest. Have you seen the clips of the guy who has the gigantic mole on his forehead? And the whole bit is he always takes his glasses up. and he sets them up on the mold. I have not. I have seen that. I have not seen that.

So wait, you guys are choosing. I want to talk about making you vomit. You want the toilet paper on your shit? Yeah, over the pimple? The pimple's there for days. Yeah. So is the toilet paper. You don't get to just take it away.

This is not like a one-time thing. So you're saying you have. You don't get to just fix it. So it goes, hey, you got, you got toilet paper hanging out of your pants. You go, I know. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, that's, yeah, that's, yeah, thanks for noticing.

Yeah. that's why I was asking how much is hanging out. You want some? Yeah, it's got a, why, you need some? I think it's a foot. Yeah, I think it's a foot. You're dragon. Yes, it's a teepee tail?

Yes, it's a teepee tail. I'm still picking the tepee tail. I mean, in this scenario, the way that Al or whoever made this doc wrote it up, you've dropped like an almost completely empty toilet paper roll down your pants and went to the bottom of your pants and a little bit's hanging out. I mean, I guess I still have to choose that. Yeah, the pimple on the tip of your nose. Maybe I can walk in a way where you can't tell.

Yeah, you're just always paying attention. Facing directly at them? Yeah, I'm always facing everybody. I don't, when I, when I leave the room, I'm leaving backwards. You're just spinning with people as they move around. What are you doing, why? He always walks on the outside of the rooms. It's kind of weird.

Just keeps his back to the wall. all right we don't want the pimple uh we'll move on would you rather have to be a beekeeper or a spider breeders i just saw the sunglasses resting on the mold oh welcome to the party gigantic it's it's a thing all right let me before i would get to the next would you rather now i have to circle back because i have to ask a real question okay i'm going to turn this into a that's a great question help me out life no life advice all right so you guys have answered the pimple one, right? Jason's face is saying,

he doesn't like this morning. Have you run into people who have a blemish that you know is very easily removable and correctable. But then like, they just leave it.

You know what I mean? And then that's like... What do you know? What do you mean by you know as easily fixable? Give me an example. Like a giant mole on your face. Like, if you had one of those would you get to, I mean, you'd get it removed

right? Yes. Personally I would yeah. But you think it's a choice of like some people don't because they don't want to. They don't know they can. I mean, you. Like why are we keeping the giant? There's, you still have. Well, this. Well, the sunglasses, man. I mean, that's going to be a huge scar

in the middle of your forehead. So it's as opposed to, I'm just saying you have upgrade. I'm just saying you have to make the choice of to you, what would you rather have there, because there's going to be something there either way. Like, I get, uh, I get, uh, lipomas and there, which that is like, it's just a random spot in your body anywhere. And it's just, they build up a fatty tissue that over time then

just continues to grow and grow. You got to get them taken out. Where it looks like when they're, when they become very large, it pretty much looks like a tumor where, wherever it is. And you're like, and yeah, when. It's not the tumor. And so. So, like, I have some now in, like, my torso area where it's at this point now of, that's going to be a huge scar. Oh, did you let it go too far? Well, you sometimes you don't know until it's too late because they can be deeper and then just, like, once they finally start pushing towards the surface, like, that's going to be a humongous scar. So you have to make the choice of what, what do you rather, would you rather just have the lump there or would you rather have a gigantic scar? Here's the life advice question, though, is that if you.

see somebody with, is there a polite way to say you should get that out? I don't think so. If it's something you care about and you love. No. No? No. There's no way to politely suggest that, you know, the technology's really been changing. If it's your spouse, if it's direct family, you know, like.

You don't like me the way I am? In the nuclear family. It's got to be close. Not like a cousin you see sometimes. It's got to be someone that like. You can just say, hey, I think you should get that remit. That's fine. Papa Josh says give him a gift card to a dermatologist.

Happy birthday. Why is it $443.22? Well, that's the price for tax to get that thing gone. Yeah, there is no polite. There's no polite way to tell. Hey, you should remove that mole. You're like, what? Okay.

Just making sure. I feel like the only way to go about. about it is you concoct the story we're all getting our moles off let's go you tell a story of oh you know I had a close friend had a mold looked just like that it was and they went looked and it was skin cancer it was highly cancerous and they're they're dead now because they don't take care of right no yeah so it was a so so just yeah boy I had a I had a friend and their nose is about that size and we're just getting a nose job now It just seems like the same thing.

All right, would you rather? I had a friend who's lips, they were just so tiny. You got to plump those up. They got cancer of the lip. They're dead now. Their lips weren't big enough to survive. All right. Would you rather have to be a beekeeper or a spider breeder?

What? Jason had a very strong reaction there. I mean, I don't know who put this in here. What does a spider breeder even do? nothing it's just this is somebody set this up for jason i mean you're just you're just farming spiders right because i mean there are if you have you know larger do this if you have larger farm animals there are procedures that you have to help the the animal to actually get pregnant but what is what does a spider breeder do just has i can't even i can't even with this question

Like, I'm really having a, I, just the, not tarantulas. Just the concept. Let's, all, you're going bees? I'm going bees. All the pukers at home are like, yeah, take that Jason. Oh, man, that's, I'm like, I am crawling right now. Like a spider? Yeah, like, like they're, like they are crawling all over me.

This is. Like into that pocket on your shirt? Just the concept of spider breeder. So that means your housing. they're in cages and stuff Yeah but they're like They don't have a litter You know what I mean

No no they have a lotter A lot Yes they have a loter Is what spiders have So you just have hundreds or thousands of Just so the bees Yes the bees I've actually kind of wanted to be a beekeeper

I think that'd be fun Now the only caveat Could you do it I need to be I need to be stung in a controlled environment First I've never been stung.

Is this a worry about allergies or a pain? Yes. Yes. In fact, I know it's super rare, but I literally just read the saddest story about a 37-year-old firefighter who had never been stung got stung one time and died. Wow. Due to anaphylactic reaction. And because I'm 40 and never been stung, which Mike, you've never been stung.

I've never been stung either. Never been stung. Somehow the three of us are putting off the get away from us pheromones for the bees. but I've never been sung. But if you could sting me in a controlled environment and let me know that I'm going to be fine, I would 100% be able to do it. Like I've become more comfortable

being around bees in general. And I told you about the drive-through bee situation? Yes. I mean, was that on the other show? Or I don't even know. It might have been on here. Who knows? I don't know.

We do a lot of shows. But I mean, I was just like, hey, if I'm chill, the bees will be chill. Yeah. And that's the truth. It is. Because the beekeepers, I've had one come to my house. no gear, remove a clump of bees.

It wasn't a nest. It was like they were clumped up because they, you know how they travel? Yeah. And he removes them all from a tree, thousands of bees, no gloves, no mask, no nothing. And I watched him do it. Yeah, I tell my kids. And he just tells the bees beforehand, yo, be chill. When we're like out at a pool or something and a bee comes around, I always say, be calm.

Be calm. And the only stings, or the only stings I've ever, like our family's ever had, our kids and stuff have always been stepped on a bee, sat on a bee, pinched a bee in the crink of your arm, whatever. It's always, you're squishing a bee, and it's their last resort. They're like, ah! They're not, like, looking for you because they die after they sting you. Yeah.

It's a, it's a kamikaze bee situation. Yeah, I get it. So beekeeper. Yeah, someone stepped on me. I'd sting them too. None of us want to mess with the spiders, right? I don't, I don't even know. I'm still trying to figure out what the spider person would even do.

You just have an aquarium full of... You're just breeding spiders to release into the wild. There's no such thing as this, right? No, I don't think. I googled spider breeder. Yeah, I'm not allowed to Google that. That's fine. I'm taking care of it for you.

There's an adult in the room. I bet they breed, uh, I bet there's money to be made in the tarantula side. Maybe? Because those things are, um, I don't know. Trachers does, they do not bother me. no me neither Jason's really I don't know why

they're slow yeah they just chill they walk they'll go on hikes with you I mean they're fine next question would you rather have to bring

your wife home wait that didn't that's not the sentence yeah would you rather have your wife bring home they're very different

a stray cat once in a while once in a while or have a dog that always goes to the bathroom inside the house a kid

occasional stray or regular doo-do. Now, once the stray has been brought home, this is now our cat. I don't know if you've got to. Well, until it becomes a stray again. I mean, this cat obviously at some point is just going to leave you. But, I mean, the old adage of, if you feed a stray. Oh, because they hang out?

Yeah, it will now always come back. Oh, it's once a week, not once in a while. Okay, so once a week. I can't read. Once a week you're. adding if you bring your wife home so would you rather bring your wife home once a week or be a cat bill bratsky um so i my dog goes the bathroom inside or every year i'm acquiring 52 new

cats yeah yeah yeah this is that's that's true yeah i can put piddle paddles down or whatever the strays come home they hang out for two days then they leave So you do get a period of no pets every week. You get two days of the stray. Okay. So that means basically because none of us are cat people here. You two are both allergic to cats. So the question is really, would you rather have a cat in your home two sevenths of the week?

In some ways, I feel like I would be allergic to feces all over the place. You know what I mean? Oh, I do know what you mean. You know better than mine. I do know what you mean, but I will say... I'm taking the dog. Cats suck. Man.

Sorry, out there. And a stray cat, you know, if you're going to get, here's the thing, if you're going to get 52 different stray cats. Oh, you're getting some bad ones. Yeah, you're going to get some bad ones. And a bad cat, they can destroy your arm. You want to try to touch this cat. It will rip up your couch, your curtains, your flesh. No, I'm going dog.

Doggy doo-doo. I'll just get into a habit. You know what I mean? Like three times a day I've got to walk the house and get rid of the do-do. That's what you've got to do. And then I'll have like, maybe I'll have like some like carpet spray and stuff on like a holster. Like a holster? What an Amazon subscribe?

Well, certainly. But no, I mean, I've got to have it holstered because I'm fine in this stuff. And then I'm, I mean, is it better to live in a big house with the dog that puts everywhere? No, small house. Small house. But the smell in a small house. is a factor. It's 100% of the time.

Trust me on this. But your problem is with a little dog. Yeah. Your problem was too many. It was not with big dog, big bowel movement. Big dog is unacceptable. Big dog got a poop. That is.

I've only had one. I've only had one time ever where, because I've got two big dogs and then I had that little tiny one that is boop and pee fest. When we first moved in. our house. I've only had one accident from a big dog ever in as long as I can remember when we first moved into this house. The first day, I think it was like the first minute in the house. We brought the dogs in. They're just christening the house. And the first thing that our dog, who's totally potty trained, never has an accident, can't even imagine him having an accident,

went right up near the back door, just took a massive man-sized dump. I mean, this thing was, was just up. It was like a child's arm. And, oh, my sweet mercy. The whole house. Yes. For a while. See, that's the smell I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah. That's. Of when you, we just, not just had it, but with our puppy when we were training him, you know, we first got it. We leave the house, go do some sort of Christmas experience. and you come home you, the moment you open the door, you go, oh no.

Yeah, you know it. Oh, no. There is a dog in a crate that has pooped and is now covered in poop. And it reeks. I guess the stray cat, you could have a, you could have a cat room. So the straight cat gets the room for. This is, this room belongs

to the cats. Yeah, and there's a bunch of litter and stuff in there, right? And they, and you just you just put the cat in there for two days. let it go after that? Yeah, I mean, you have to sacrifice something here, so just sacrifice a room. I guess. All right, uh, let's go ahead and move on here. Boy, uh, yeah, I don't think spider breeders are real. all right it's time for our expertise once again uh what is the difference between a chore a task and a project okay that's one z this i think that's not too bad a chore is repeated

a chore is not a one-off i actually thought maybe the chore was something that had to be assigned to you sure but like you can't assign a chore to yourself yeah you can you can yeah yeah yeah you could say i do the trash but it is flashed back to my childhood. It's something that has to be done repeatedly over time and it's it is also involved with just around the, your home. And a project is obviously a one time larger big, but it's you're done. You finish a project. A project also ends in a thing. Okay. If you're working on a project at the end of that project, it doesn't have, it can be digital, it can be physical. So you're telling me like cleaning the house is not a project

no exactly right no that's a chore so it can't be what of it now what about cleaning out the fridge is that a project that's a that's a chore yeah I think that's a chore that's a chore that's a chore that's a chore that's a chore spring cleaning yeah that's a chore yeah

I think it's it I think it's you don't get anything at the end based on Jason but I'm saying is it a task because spring cleaning is it's the once a year deep clean a task goes on a sticky note. Yeah. A task. It has to be on a sticky note first to cross off. Yeah. You cross it off. It's certainly a one off. You know, you might do that again, but you don't know when. And you write it on a like spring cleaning. I know when that is. Uh-huh. To every spring. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. It can be a chore. It could be a yearly. Okay. That's what I was. Absolutely. Absolutely. Like every year we

change our sheets and our bed like that. Do you really? No, of course not. I was like, wow. We never change them. All right. So I think we figured that out. Yeah, we said that one's easy. All right. What is the difference between soup, chowder, and a bisque? And I don't know the answer at this moment, but I know we'll figure it out momentarily.

It's pronounced chowder. Chowder is chunky. That's why they put the CH in the front of it. Is that why it's? That's why they say ch. It's the same sound, and a chowder must also include something that starts with a seat. Really? There's corn chowder, clam chowder, and clam chowder.

And that's the end of the list. Those are the only two chowders? Those are the only chowders, officially recognized chowders. Hold on. Let me Google this. Why are you doing that? Because I just want to, you are right. That's crazy. See, yeah.

Corn and clam are the only chowder. I didn't even need to Google it. I already knew. A bisque sounds like the kind of soup a rich person eats. Like if you're poor, you have a soup. If you're rich, you have to have a bisque. Well, the bisque is like a chowder, except it's all completely blended. There's no chunks.

Oh, it's smooth. If you blend a chowder, you get a bish? Chowder is chunky. Bisk is creamy. It's smooth. Interesting. So it's... If you took a chowder and you blend it...

It's now a bisk? You just made a bisk. Settle. Yeah, yeah. Figured it out. So then what's a soup? Soup has broth. Okay, but you can't blend a soup and turn it into a bisque?

Nah, because when you, because it's brought, it's all broth, there's no cream. It's too thin. You can't have cream in a soup. It might, it might still live. So a bisque is a soup with, with cream in it. Or a blended chowder. Yeah, yeah. Maybe they started as a soup and then you put the cream in it, made it a bisque, or put some chunks in it,

made it a chowder. Yeah. I mean, what, what other bisks are there besides, besides, tomato. Lobster. Oh, yeah. Lobster biz. That's not going to be drafted.

Um, yeah. Oh, man. Okay. So it was just real creamy, real chunky, real thin. Exactly right. No, it was easy too. What's the difference between being crazy, insane, and demented? Ooh.

Ha ha ha ha. I like it. You would. You're one of these three. Guess which one? Uh, I hope it's not demented because Demented is evil If you're

That's such a good way to figure this one out Is like, which would you rather be called? Oh yeah, which one? I'd rather be called crazy Well, crazy gets Crazy and insane For trying Both of those words get just thrown around all the time

To the point where they've kind of lost their meaning They definitely lost their meaning, right? Yeah, they're just little throwaway things Long ago there were insane asylum right where they put people crazy is like i had too much sugar you know what i mean you're too hyper you're like you went crazy because you were like yeah you can go crazy you cannot be but like but you can go crazy and you can come back yeah exactly an insane person you don't come back you can't come back you can't go in and out of insanity you're an insane person but you're not like you're

not trying to take over the world right like a demented then you would be demented Demented people They got the demon in them Oh is that where the word came from That is that he has demented Now did it start like It was just a guy named Ted And he got a demon?

Yeah it was like Demon Ted And then we all just misheard it And we just use that now That is actually where it came from Demon Ted is a son of a gun Yeah he started a bad trend Keeps trying to take over the world

Anybody can dip into crazy anytime they want Yeah I go crazy all the time Like, so I have a bad call at an NFL game. You go crazy. Oh, I get so crazy. Temporarily. Right. Oh, but there is temporary insanity.

Oh, no. Which implies that regular insanity is not temporary. So temporary insanity, man, that's crazy. What's the difference between an explosion, an eruption, and a blast? Well, a blast is super fun. Obviously, that's, you know, you're having. having a blast. An eruption must go up into the sky.

Well, an eruption has to, it's a buildup from inside. What things erupt? Mike on inside of the taxi cab. An eruption has to have a funnel. Yeah. Shape? Well, it projects from one spot. That's an upside down funnel.

I'm saying like it goes into a spout. Oh, like a, so a geyser? Is that a eruption? Yeah, that would be an eruption. An explosion, and a volcano, obviously. An explosion goes 360. An explosion goes in all directions. Not down.

Well, I'm just saying if you throw a grenade in the air. Then it does. It does a full 360. Obviously, if it's on the ground. Is a blast something with a purpose? A blast is a small explosion. Oh, it is smaller. Yeah, it's controlled.

So if you were going to try to open up some of the mountain for like a thorough, like to put a road through it. you'd blast it open it's not explosion no there's blasting yeah yeah that's what the signs say or aware of blasting right it's also an awesome fart like if you yes really like yeah just do one of them kick farts with the you're talking about that's a blast oh that's fun but it's also like oh i blasted that part let me ask you something privately okay have you ever between me and you have you ever had a blast turned into an eruption Uh, if, if you gamble at the wrong time.

I will say you can also do it at the right time because I've had a blast on the toilet. Oh. And then it's like, oh, baby, now it's an eruption. We are having some fun. I was blasting farts onto that water and then. Oh, come on. What? Come on, man.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, that story was not a blast to tell you that. Okay. We learned so much. Yeah, one more for you. What is the difference between rage, anger, and hatred? Rage, anger, and hatred.

I mean, hatred is obviously... Hatred is a permanent. It has to be aimed at one thing. Hatred does. You can't just be like, I have a lot of hatred, but you have to hate things. Yeah, like a Prius. Right. like you hate or drivers of Prius you hate them too I hate a moving Prius and all inside so but like rage and anger can be like

parked it's so much better parked it's so I feel like it can't hurt me okay so I feel like rage and anger though those are things that like something like a Prius could cause you to get angry but then you could carry that angry around and then that you're an angry person and then you get angry with someone else because of the previous hatred. Rage to me is action based on anger. Yeah. Like, you're angry, but when you're, if you go, if you go, uncontrollable rage. If you don't throw a glass, you don't got rage.

You have to have at least hit something. Oh, yeah, slam your hand on a table. You slam a table. You hit a wall. Oh, you went from angry to rageful. Yeah, you, you, you know, you do, you do something. You rip a throat, you know, you just, you rip a throat. Yeah.

I mean, there's a wide scale Somewhere between slapping the table And ripping someone's throat out Yeah That's still rage That's all rage That's rage because it caused action Can rage last as long as anger?

No, you can't stay in rage mode No I feel like if you wanted to And you can't rage all the time No I feel like anger is like It's like a pot that's bubbling Right

But like rage is like if the When it boils over Forgot the wooden spoon on the top Yeah, I haven't tried that yet. Oh, you get, it's, it's, it's magic. I don't feel like hatred is, belongs in this category. Hatred is, is deep emotional and is so close to love. What?

There's a fine line between love and hate. There is? Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Just ask him about Hitler. You could, I'm just saying oftentimes you end up hating what you once loved. Except for the one I just said. Oh, right. I said oftentimes.

This is it 100% of it. I mean, give me an example. Like an X. You know what I mean? Like you, it was because you loved. The letter? No, Mike, you dummy. Give me, you know what?

Yeah, get me something there. You just disrupt it off for a non-joke. All right. Go on, Jason. I'm saying like, you know, when you fall in love with someone. You hate them. That is, that is, there are good odds and someday you might. feelings hate them yeah so when you yeah i mean i've heard that before i guess i just don't

understand it well we're we're here to make things understandable but you understand it now mike no i don't know anything that's happening right now when he's focused on the letter when you when you have which i hate full emotions like like hate is far more emotional it's not just like a physical i'm so angry i think those are all emotional this is this but i get what you're saying heart level it's directed yeah i mean it there is a source there is a there is a singular source would you rather someone hate you uh be angry at you or i don't want them to rage at me don't rage at you no because then they're going to strike me now what happens when people go to ragers you go to a rager that's a party right yes that's real intense it's a real angry party

A lot of action happening there. All right. We're going to move on. Okay, please. Well, on. Well, today we are drafting the worst four-course meal. Each of us have four picks. You may select a dessert, a main course, an appetizer,

a beverage or drink whatever you want to call it yep and uh jason you have the first pick these are always fun because there's some gamesmanship right like you know we only can pick one in each category yeah so jason you are he's already cracking himself up here i'm cracking myself up because i made a list and i could only come up with two appetizers that i didn't like so i love appetizers because i love appetizers okay because you're like and so now you it's like you better grab one because then right but then i thought of the perfect appetizer i was like oh that's it for a bad meal that's my number one pick and so I added it to my list and I just went back to my list and that is gone I don't know why it didn't save it

I can't remember what it was oh no my number one thing what is happening your favorite you can gamble with it out of everything remember on the way back oh man I'm gonna I'm gonna remember it's gonna come to me um nope Any moment now. Okay, well, gosh, that's not good. Good to see it starting well. Yeah, all right. What's your number one pick?

My number one pick, you know, I'm trying to go with things that people like. You know what I mean? Sure. There are, you know, those of us in this room, super smart, there's dumb people out there. And they like bad things. And so I want to teach. them to stop ordering and making these things. He's still trying to remember. He's still trying to remember. He is. So I'm going to go with something that I've been told is good. I've had people

look me dead in the face and say, oh, you haven't had it this way. And I'm like, what are you talking about? You are, you are making, you are lying yourself. I have had it. Okay. It's eggplant parmesan. Oh, dude, that's, that's nasty bullcraft. It is awful. What are we doing? That's a main course. Yeah, that's the entree. Main course. Eggplant Parmesan Parmesan. It's like, I say, oh, I hate eggplant. And I say that because it's disgusting. It's terrible. And then they go, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Eggplant Parmesan's so good. I'm like, no, it's not. No, it is not. You want to know what it is. It's the healthier version of something that is delicious. And so you convince yourself it's okay. It is disgusting. So eggplant parmesan will not be on my. It is demented. Yeah, just so. All right. So no, eggplant parmesan. You're serving a, okay. Okay. Wow.

There you go. All right. Well, my first pick, I'm going to go the dessert route. Yes. I know. Because he knows. I know what you're going to pick. He knows.

We just had a big conversation about it. Because it's called fake good. It looks good. It ain't sweet. It sucks. Everyone thinks that they're going to like it. But guess what? You just finish your meal and they're bringing you out a nice plate of canolies.

They look so good. They should be so good. They're telling me that this. This crispy donut-looking shell with a delicious cream inside. Powdered sugar, maybe some, maybe some. Like a couple of chocolate chips on it. Oh, my gosh. And then every bite is like so disappointing.

I'm just, I'm not. That's a letdown dessert. I'm not even mad. I'm just disappointed. Because when they serve it and, oh, it's dessert time. I still order them. Yeah. You know, it's like, do you have any dessert?

We only have canoles. I'm like, all right, I'll take some. And then they deliver them and I get excited. they're not sweet they're not sweet why don't we put sugar in them i don't know that's like a an italian trick the italians are tricking us with them canoles we need to make american canoles that's what we call them american canoles and everyone will know oh this is like super full of sugar and fat yeah that'll be better darn right and they break apart too they're all flaky so you not only do you not bite it like a normal you know like a donut or something where it's like chewy and

delicious it breaks apart and not sweet i think canoli suck okay and that is why it's part of my terrible four course i totally understand and you knew i was going there mic huh yeah it was i would have taken it yeah yeah because that's that part of the way for all of you out there they're going i love canoles no you don't we got like 10 12 people in this office i don't remember anymore how many they all hated canoles when we talked about this there wasn't one defender because it's disappointing but we do actually We want to like them. We want to like them.

And we do convince ourselves we like them sometimes. Like when I hear canoli, I'm like, oh, that sounds good. Right off the bat, I'm like, wait, I like canoys. And people listening are thinking, wait, I like canolies. And Mike's right. No, you don't. Yeah. Eat one.

And you'll go, oh, this canola is not that good. Let me find a good one. You have a fake memory of you loved a canola. I swear I had a good one somewhere. I can't remember where it was is so good. No, it's a memory in your head. of what it looks like it should taste like. Like it looks like it should taste delicious.

Yeah. It's so bland. All right, Mike, you got two picks. All right. You can be strategic here. And that part of, I believe part of my plan will be there's some foods where I just, I don't agree. I think it tastes bad.

Oh, no. Did you remember? I remember. Oh, dang it. Let's get it before it comes back to him. I got to write it down. Is there's food that I think is bad. And then there's just food that's, that's, that's,

That's disappointing, like a canoli. But we're going to start it off. Let me just double check. So I'm going to start it off with my beverage. Hmm. I don't understand it. I will take Clamato. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I have tomato juice at number one. Why are we doing this? Why are we putting clam in juice? So that's like a tomato clam juice. Yeah. Yes. Which, by the way, I know a lot of people. Flavored with spices.

dried clam broth. I also know that Jason likes the drink that's related-ish, not the clam part, but like you like Bloody Mary's. I do like a bloodieries are terrible too. I mean, they're very good. They're like, who wants to drink some spicy tomato, ooh, refreshing. Yeah, I'm not in with that one either. But Clamato, okay.

Yeah, like people have a Bloody Mary in the morning. It's like, day's done, but you should have ruined it. I have indigestion all day. Just this come with spicy? Yeah. They're spicy. I don't know what we're doing with that. But anyway, back to the Clamato juice.

What? Clam. It was the last two things they had in the factory. The factory was done packaging this stuff. They're like, we got some clams and tomatoes left over. What if we make a drink? And although I've never had it. Because there's clam in it.

It's disgusting. Yeah. If someone served me a meal, because that's how I'm picturing this. I want us to be, we're at a restaurant and they're bringing four courses. and if they're like, here's your beverage, sir, and it's a glass of Clamato. Yeah, that's not happening. All right, and then I'm going to also take my appetizer.

Ooh. And it's, the honest truth, it's, it's not that this is necessarily, like, disgusting. It's just like, oh, it's a vegetable soup. Just a, just a vegetables. I did. I love a good vegetable soup. You know what?

I put vegetables at number two on my appetizers. because who the heck wants vegetables? You want, so when you go and they're like, what's the soups? Well, we have a, you can get a tomato bisque or we have a vegetable soup. Or some vegetable soup. You're going to pick the vegetable soup? Certainly not always, but I don't always pick one thing. I have different moods, Mike.

Sometimes I do order vegetable soup. Now, by choice. Do you have a veggie mood? Boo. Don't hear what I'm not saying. If next to it was a vegetable and beef soup, like the same. exact thing they just add some chunks of meat I will never order the vegetable soup

I would prefer to have some chunks of meat but the vegetable soup broth is good the broth is good do you eat the vegetables yes I eat the vegetables okay the only time I order vegetable soup is when they include the calorie count on the menu and I can see what the other soups are and I go okay I'll take the festival

because it's only 80 calories but my mouth isn't happy yeah and I guess making a bad four course meal calorie counting would be on there. It's just, it's disappointing. It's a disappointing way to start your meal. Yeah, yeah, it is.

You know what? I have my pick here and Jason's already taken his main course, right? That is correct. And it circles back to me. So I don't have to take a main course because I can take it with my next pick. That's correct. Which means that I can select either an appetizer or a drink. I guess I'm going to go appetizer.

and we're going to go with some fish soup. Okay. What is a fish? We're going fish soup. I've never heard of that. That's because it's almost been, it's like almost, it's like smallpox. We've almost gotten rid of it. We've almost gotten rid of it.

That sounds awful. Yeah, there's, and the real, you see, I don't know if you picked it up, but the worst part of that, it's the fish. You know, the soup part is, the soup part is fine, but, you know, the fish soup canoli combo so far I think it's pretty pretty nasty so I mean I'm going fish soup Jason we'll get it back to you

I'm guessing fish soup wasn't the thing you remember fish soup was not the thing I remembered I did remember my appetizer it's a food made by combining fish or seafood with vegetables in stock yeah I did remember my my appetizer however you have both now taken your appetizer right yeah

so this will my first pick will be my final pick which I'm just now realizing which means not prepared for you know you had two picks here no matter what so i'm taking my dessert and my drink together mike oh because you're back to back yeah i'm back to back uh mike i'm so upset at who you've become hmm because we used to hate this oh brother oh oh brother i'm taking I'm taking an IPA because they're disgusting.

Delicious. They taste like earwax. What happened to you, Mike? I became sophisticated. I mean, no one hated IPAs more than you and now you're like, now you go places and you go, do you have an IPA? You're one of those guys.

Yeah. I'm like, hey, what's, give me the menu. Oh my gosh, they're just, they taste like earwax. They're so hoppy and they're so bad. Like, I don't think I could drink one. you put down like a big mug of an IPA, I'd be like, ooh, that looks good. Let me have a sip of this beer. And I'd take a sip and I'd be like, I don't think I could drink it.

I don't blame you. I understand I was one of you. But I mean, let this be a lesson. Case can change. I can't change. I'm changing. I was 40 years old before I was like, oh, I guess I like this now. There may be hope for lemon desserts now.

Could be. Oh, he's an open-minded man. All right. I like the open-mindedness. Which is great, considering his takes, we're always terrible with food. Yeah, because maybe he's got an open mind now. Well, apparently they still are with IPAs. They're just so bitter.

They're so bitter. Wait, have you become so bitter with life that it now fits? Yeah, it matches the taste. It tastes like my heart. This tastes like life. Why be happy with this? All right. So I've got my dessert to take, and I'm going to take something that no one

eats, no one eats, no one eats. But so many people receive it. Every year, it's fruitcake. Dude, it's on my, it was my number two. That's your dessert then. Yeah, my dessert is fruitcake. Like, why do we still make things that we invented 100 years ago when that was all we could do? I'm telling you, that's where the canoles are from. The 100 years ago, when that was sweet compared to the coal they were eating. they're usually dry-ish they're just they're weird because they're like moist and dry at the same time you're grossing me out talking about they've got little tiny i don't even know that you can call them fruit they're like plastic pieces of fruit in the as i'm talking aesthetically oh aesthetically it's disgusting yeah it's just what are we doing it looks like something that has been digested

you know how you you go and you look and it's like oh yeah there's corn and in that that's what this cake looks like. It's a good pick. It makes sense. It's a terrible dessert. And look, for my main course, I'm going to go with that now. My main course,

you pay up for it. It looks terrible. It's the opposite of a canoli. And it is the consistency of snot. So I'm going with oysters.

Yeah. I mean, I don't need to say anything else. Like, like they should bring, like if you accidentally order them and it comes to your table, they should go, here you go, sir. By the way, ew, they're, they're snotty. They, I recently had like my first oyster. And it was. Don't you dare. No, it was.

IPA boy. It was not something I would ever want, but it was my final decision was, I could make this happen. Like if I had, if I had to. If you were forced to do snot shots. If I had to do it, I could, I can make it happen. But this is not something else. Do you chew it?

A little bit. Yeah, it's one of those like, I've, it's more like a tongue mash. You just kind of press it. But why, wait, do you even taste it? The taste is. It tastes fishy. It tastes fishy, which is why people usually put tobasco sauce on it.

To cover the fish taste. All you taste is tobacco sauce. It's like, have you had. Tabasco, snot? You can pay a lot and have that. All right. Who's up, Mike? I am up with my two final picks. So I'll start with the dessert. And this is more of a, it's just disappointing. Imagine you had a great meal. Everything was delicious. And then they just come out and they say,

here's a fortune cookie. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So here's the problem. And you go, okay. When I was, when I was, I guess, when I was, I kept seeing those as like, very, they were popping up. They were popping up. They were popping up as like, you know, bad desserts. And it's true because it's like, fortune cookies aren't good. You're not like, look, but, but I still like them. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, they're not, they're, they're, they're, they're a worthless dessert. I mean, they're so worthless. Have they ever been? Yeah, they're just, that's what I was going to say. Has anybody ever, like, seen them on a dessert menu where they're like, you have to order it? Large, give me the large fortune cookie, please. I don't know, but is there, I feel like they're just always disappointing. Both the fortune and the cookie.

It's more, I'm talking about the taste. It's just like, it's got a good crunch. Okay. But it's not, it is, after the fortune cookie has been, it has not satisfied the sweet tooth or anything that you're hoping for when you get something that's called a cookie. Okay, yeah, makes sense. Like the fortune inside literally says you were somewhat. dissatisfied you are about to be very disappointed and for my main course and i know of this because of my uh my nordic heritage i don't know why this is a thing do we know of it uh you may

have heard the name are you familiar with ludafisk yeah it's on my list it is on my list with ludifisk i've heard it what is it ludicis is a dried white fish you usually cod, cured in lie. It is made from aged stockfish or dried and salted cod. The fish takes a gelatinous texture after being rehydrated for days prior to eating. It's supposed to have one of the worst smells too, right? Oh, yeah. That is what I know it from.

But it's like, hey, let's take this fish. Let's soak it in poison. Then we'll rinse it off so it's not poisonous anymore. And we'll make it jealous. that does make me wish I'd taken a puffer fish from my main course I thought about it just so you could be dancing with the devil because you might die like you don't there's no cure for it all I'm the only thing I know is die fish is the Simpsons episode

yeah I mean well I just read about somebody that bought a puffer fish and tried to prepare it themselves they're not with us anymore oh no yeah they died yeah don't even because they ate a food that they could die eating got to be a professional yeah which how did they get to the point yeah of let's give this a goal you're like oh we I think this part's okay let's test it let's find out no Ted yeah they just had you had to have like 20 people in a line yeah all willing to like test each part and then and then the 11th person lived and then they're like that's the part that's the part you could eat I've never had it but how good can it be it can't be good enough to actually

It's a super delicacy, too. All right, my final pick is my drink. So why not, while you're sitting down with your fish soup and your oysters and your canollies, enjoy just a refreshing tall glass of skim milk. Oh, that's a great pick. Yeah, just a tall glass of milk water. About disappointing. I mean, just skim milk.

You don't feel like you did anything. Skim milk satisfies nothing. Nothing. I know. It's so thin. Did you ever go to a friend's house for like a sleepover and then. Oh, yeah. They were skim milk family.

And they were skim milk family. And you're like, what are we doing here? Yeah, there was. I am. This is water. We, it's milk water. No.

And there was like a weird time in our lives where you think they were pushing some milk on us. Somehow, fatty milk became like public enemy number one. And it was like my house, we were a skim milk house for a while. You were a skim milk house? My cousin's house was a skim milk house. Oh, we didn't have the.

I was a skim milk. We got to 1%. You could not escape skim milk. And then we finally broke free of this. And I'm a strong 2% milk man. Our house is still usually. You go 2%? You go 2%?

Dude, what? Our house is usually still skim milk. Why? I don't know. I don't drink milk, man. It's not for me. You don't have a ball of cereal? I haven't had cereal in a long time.

You want to know why? Because I got skim milk. Because I wouldn't want to have cereal with that either. 2% is the right milk. You make your children drink skim milk? They don't have to drink it. Mike, Mike, we throw it out every month. Nobody drinks it in this house.

They just buy it. Nobody drinks milk in the mores. Let it go bad and then dump it? Yeah. Yeah. All right, Jason, your final pick. Now, this is the secret pick that you had stashed away. That should have been number one.

That's right. It's to your advantage that you forgot it. It was because I was able to draft other things and still get it with the last pick. I too, Andy, am taking oysters. That was on my list. I'm taking the Rocky Mountain oysters, which are not oysters, but testicles. They are commonly eaten, fried goat balls. I thought it was a bowl.

Is this an appetizer for you? Yeah, that's my appetizer. This is a very common appetizer. I talked to Schneider. Schneider has had them, and he said, because they're deep fried usually. So he said, they taste fine. Let me get his exact quote here. Oh, you did some research.

Yeah, they taste fine, but texture is as unpleasant as you might suspect. And if I don't know, I don't know that I could eat them. I don't know. If you put, knowing what they were, the mental hurdle. The mental hurdle of putting this plate down and you put two little rocky mountain oysters. Just a pair. Just a pair. Yeah, that's how they're usually served as in two.

Come on. I mean, come on, you're not going to, how, you're serving balls. It is what it is. Yeah, it's two or four, though, right? Right, it's just two. You order, you order two orders, you're getting two plates. Sir, Herschel, the cow. Yeah, so, um, I, it's got a lot of names.

Oh, yeah, I, I, I, uh, names for this show? Uh, yeah, I think so. I think they're, uh, uh, you're pulling them up. Well, that sounds bad. I appreciate the not trying to be wasteful. Yeah. Of the, if we're going to eat this animal, let's try and use everything you possibly can. Cowboy caviar was what I was looking for.

That's good. That's good. Have you guys had certain new animals you've tried to eat that because. Horse? Like horse. Yes. Because they're a different animal. animal, like you can't get over the mental hurdle

eating them? I don't think I've come across. There's been a couple of those. Like, I couldn't, like, for some reason, I can't, I can't enjoy duck. Oh, duck's delicious. Because it's a different, it's just like, this isn't the, this isn't the animal I'm used to eating.

Yeah, I get that. And I think another one was, it wasn't venison, but it was like, I don't know. Veal? Maybe it was veal, which one's which? I always get those two mixed up. Venison and veal. One of them's like a baby cow and one of them.

one of them's a venison's a deer right yeah veal is the meat of yeah i think it was venison that i had the problem with because i'm like ah i'm eating bambi i've i've had root or uh rudolph you've had rudolph yeah i've had reindeer up when i was in the i was in my homeland of the nordic area so when you did that was it first bite you're in it was fine it's weird right but you're he's saying no mental hurdle it was oh no yeah no i don't think i don't like what Santa gonna do this year. No. The only mental hurdle that I would have is like obviously Rocky Mountain Oysters or or something

that I know is like octopus, which I've had in. Too chewy, man. I just, there's something weird. Do you do a calamari? I do do calamari, yeah. I actually, there's a calamari is one of those foods where it's like if I get a good calamari, I love it because it's not too chewy. But if you get a bad calamari, it's like gum.

It's the worst of the worst. And I hate it. One of the widest, usually you can't have a very large range of outcomes on fried food, but calamari has such a range. You order good calamari, it's unbelievable. You order bad calamari, and it's disgusting and edible. Why then would you continue to order it? Because the good calamari is just so good, so good.

All right, just to run it back as we close things out, and I have a couple honoring mentions I want to bring up. Jason Eggplant Parmesan IPA beer Fruitcake and Rocky Mountain Oasters I've got the I guess I should do it

kind of in order here but I've got the fish soup as an appetizer the oysters is my main course with a glass of skim milk and some canolies at the end skim milk and then Mike

has got a glass of Klamato some vegetable soup some lutefisk Lutifist and then finishing with a fortune cookie that's not going to be strong

I'm going to have to take that ludicist taste out of his mouth. No, it is not. I did, I wrote it down, but it's still a burger, so I couldn't pick it. But, man, when you get served a burger that's a mile high. Oh, I. Like, you can't eat it. It's not possible. What are we talking about?

Like, I'm talking like, like a big, tall thick burger? You go to a fancy place, but like all the toppings are all the stuff. And they put so many things on it. And it's so tall. There's no chance any human could put their mouth from the top bun to the bottom bun. It's why are you serving me? You got to cut.

Cut it in half. I do cut it in half. Your mouth doesn't fit that big. Yeah, but once you cut it in half, you have a corner, you can kind of pinch it down. I mean, I do. We do this, man. We live this. We tried it out.

I do what I can. We don't cut the mouth you got. When I get that. But it's, there's still limitations. There's no reason to do it. There's no, chefs, stop doing it. It's not fancy. It's stupid.

But also with Burger, I had Portobella mushroom burger. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, let's fake you out with a mushroom. It's a burger. It's just a big slab of mushroom. I mean, that's basically eggplant parmesan. It's like, oh, you want this fried parmesan? I also wrote, there's eggplant.

Gotcha. I wrote a big salad down for my main course, because who wants a big salad for their main course? A big salad? I'm not a rabbit. I've got, let's see, kombucha for the drink. Sure. The one time I had it was terrible. Liver and onions.

That's one of those where it might be good. I don't know. I will never be able to eat it knowing it's liver. and then tapioca pudding. Yeah, that's another one of them old ones. Tapioca pudding is just pudding that's gone bad. It's a great word, though. Tapioca.

Yeah. What did we learn today? I learned that if you blend chowder, it turns into abyss. I mean, I wasn't aware. Yeah, well, that's why we teach you things. I learned about demon Ted. The originator of being demented. Yeah.

And I learned that Spider-Bride. readers are probably not real. Probably. Jason, I want you to do the research that it takes to find out if that's a real job. Then you will own half of the company because I will be dead. All right. That'll do it. Thanks for tuning in.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out Spitballerspod.com. Thank you.