Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Traffic Jelly & Things That Are Sticky - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: May 28, 2026

Spit Hit for May 28th, 2026:  Join us for this laugh filled episode as we discuss the merits of Traffic Jelly, talk ancient transportation and wrap things up with a Things That Are Sticky Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers   Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Hoo ha, Bing, bang, Bing, dong, da ding, and the wu-boop. Is that satsmo again? I hope so, man. And next week, Mike, you know what to do. It's a satch attack.

He's back. Oh, that was not bad. I thought that was actually... I had... Maybe your best. I didn't really have anything planned. It's only episode 299. You don't really have to worry about it until...

Wait, wait, wait. The next one is 300? Yeah, Mike's got... Thankfully, it's Mike. All right. So just don't let us down on episode 300. Never. It needs to be worthy of that milestone.

That's up to owl. I can't wait to see the surprises. I don't think there's going to be any surprises. Would you rather, what's the difference? And we are drafting things that are sticky on today's episode. So sticky yicky, yiki, yiki. That will be great. I'm so glad I have the number one pick.

Of course. Oh, it's what, what a draft. It's really important on today's draft. We've got Al Borland in the building, Papa Josh, the Falcon. They're all sitting in here. and, you know, very happy to have them with us. Happy to be here. We are going to kick it off.

But first, I want to remind you, spitballerspod.com, you can do us a favor by leaving us a review following the show wherever you're listening. And then, of course, go to X at SpitballersPod if you want to follow us there and find out everything we're doing, everything going on. Let's go ahead and kick it off. Would you rather? Would you rather question from Stefan on page? Patreon says, would you rather only be able to travel by horseback or have to use traditional

mail for all communication? For all communication? We got to have like some limits on all communication. I mean, that's like talking. No, I think the implication here is anything from a distance. No emails. No text. Okay.

That is the limit I need. That seems like an impossible situation to overcome. But the other one is you have to ride horseback everywhere. Horseback everywhere, but then, like, you know, your phone calls are out. Text are out. Right. Traditional mail, you're not overnight in it. You got a, you got to send it.

It's traditional mail. So the mail is also horseback. Well, I don't know about that, but I mean, it's just you don't get to rush it. I have Oh, Andy, I wonder if you have this too, but like a strange romanticized version of what it was like

when you're like, imagine that world where there's no cars and everyone is to get around if you're going a long distance, you got to hoof it or you got to ride a horse and that's, there's something that sounds pretty good about that. I can't believe you said that

because yesterday on the drive home from work in the distance was a like a billowing smoke, okay? Like something was on fire? Like something was on fire in the distance. And I literally did the exercise in my brain of like, what if this was an old dirt road and I was on a horseback?

And I saw smoke off in the distance and I was traveling from town. Like I literally went into the, what if I was 200 years ago? and how much slower life is and how you if you want to go and get some food that is like better bring the gun say goodbye to your family in the morning

right get the horses in the buggy and go on a trip that might involve a camping sleep for a couple times and then you get there and you try to get what you need like there is no I would imagine in horsey time that things were closer. They're not like, they're not going to be like, hey, the nearest saloon is 50 miles away.

I mean, between cities, but within your city or your village or whatever. That's not how the Wild West worked. I mean, when you were, yes, once something is established, but as you progress across the country, like towns were, it was a long time to go. Like, I just read a book about people that would, they'd have to travel to go get the time. Once a week, the town has to travel to go to the Naval Academy by horse. And then they just forgot again. It's just like, 12.15.

Ah, crap. No, because you've got to set your watch by the official time. Oh, okay. You bring one watch back. There's no digital. I mean, you guys are acting like there's a way to get it. But no, the point is like if you've got to watch, why doesn't it just keep telling the time? Because watch is break.

Yeah, if your watch died, I mean, if you forget to wind your watch, you're not. going to know what time it was. And they go and they eventually, you know, so they go to verify it once a week. Like, point being, I literally put myself in that spot of like, and I don't know if it was because we were so busy with work, all this stuff's going on. But I've had this practice now where I'll just turn the radio, I'll turn everything up. My entire drive is dead silent. And it's like a treat.

Just raw dog in the drive. Yeah, raw dog that drive. New record. New record. And back then you just, there's a good comedian that has a bit on this about mindfulness didn't exists when they were growing up. They're like, if I went to the bathroom, I just went to the bathroom. Mindfulness.

They're like, if I stayed in line, I just waited in line. Mindfulness, because you didn't get the chance to be distracted all the time. Right. So, I mean, horseback, I'm taking horseback. I wanted to take a while to get to where I'm going. That one, I'm going to really want to go there. It's not on a whim. I really, really want to get there because I'm going to travel.

for two days. Two, I'm a cowboy. Three, you're bow-legged. Did you stop a thing about that? Eventually. Now you walk like. But everybody is. Yeah. If, if you, wait, this is an everybody thing? If we're all overweight, are you overweight, Jay? No, I guess not. I guess that's just that. You're the weight. I'm the weight. Wow, that's really true. I am weights. Have you thought about that as an alternative weight loss strategy? I guess I didn't, I thought this was only for us, not for everybody. So this is the world has to travel by horseback? That's how I was imagining

it. And then you got me thinking, Andy, of the, okay, you got to go out. Right? And we now were so connected. And I've talked about this on the show before of like if my wife goes out to run errands and I call her and she doesn't answer the phone

the first time, I immediately think that she has been in a car crash. She's been a kid like some catastrophe has happened because I can't get a hold of her immediately. When you had to go out like this and you say, I'll be back in three days time. How, what is the overage before you start to actually get concerned?

Because it's got to be like a week. Yeah, if you take just 25% longer, that's a whole other day. That's, uh, and then if you're. And you sit at home and you're like, I hope he comes back. Yeah, you're like, oh, okay, well, if they don't, I'll never know. If this is, if this is for everybody and it's not just for myself. It's like the world either travels by horseback or all communication goes back in time and it's snail mail. I am definitely taking the communication because I think that would be so good for society to stop with the instant communication.

You know what? I was, it's perfect that you said that because I just, I wanted to pull this up. I remember this from a long time ago and this was kind of validated. A person today is exposed to as much information in one single day. then someone born in the 15th century would be exposed to in their entire lifetime. I mean, that is. And we wonder why we're broken. Too much.

We're not meant to have. We need stuff to come slow and correctly as opposed to fast and incorrectly. Yeah. Now, this is this is old man time. Yeah. Well, we're, we're old men. We're old men here. Oh, man, this feels so old what I'm about to say.

man, Jay. Oh, but do you remember the excitement of getting a letter in the mail? Yeah. I mean, it was like, that was the only way you got. Yes. It's also called just getting a letter. Like we were the age where it's like you, I had a friend. It's still called getting a letter. I had a friend that went to California for the summer and we wrote. Oh, you pin pal. We pin pal. No text. No, there was no text. No. It was just you, you wrote a letter. You sent it. and then you wait a week and every day you go to the mailbox like, ah, maybe I've got a letter back. Nah.

We might. Maybe I've got a letter back. Nah. Oh, I've got a golden ticket. We might need a button for the show that is like the old man button. But you're right. I mean, you can't get that back either. There's certain, like I, you know what was awesome?

Toothpaces out. What was awesome for me growing up was I'd go out, I'd wake up. I'd go out. out in the freezing cold to get the newspaper to find out if my team won. To find freezing cold. Yeah. Arizona, 40s, whatever. Oh, good Lord, man, 40s.

And because I needed to know if this home team won, and there wasn't a way to know that. You could, the paper was the only way to know who won the game if you missed it. Now, when I described something, the letter, it was like, that was cool. It was nostalgic. We can't get that back. You chose in your example to be like, it's freezing outside. I want to go back where I had to. It was uphill both ways to go get that paper.

It's like the blockbuster stuff. You can get a movie, any movie, any show instantaneously. So the anticipation of receiving it, it goes down. It's not as fun. But if you went to blockbuster and you browse all the movies, you went and paid, you brought it home, and then you have to watch it within a couple days. It's an event. You don't get that back.

Right. Don't get it back. I know, but it's. A horse for me, Mike. what are you doing? Oh, I'm riding a horse, brother. All right. I'll take communication.

Jules from X, writes in, would you rather swim in an overly chlorinated pool without goggles? That's not a good time. Like a public pool? Yeah, right. Water park. One of those hotel pools. Oh, man.

Those things are outrageous. They're outrageous. When you walk in the lobby of one of those places and you smell it and it's like. Yeah. Is there no limit to how much you're allowed to put in? I think at a hotel, there is law. of how much you have to put in. Now, they're like, somebody got sued once for bacteria,

and they're like, we're not letting it happen again. I don't think there's water, and I think it's just chlorine. You're swimming in chlorine. You're just swimming in pure chlorine. Everyone has a weird smell that they like. You're into chlorine? Dude, the closed room hotel pool. Come on, you're into that?

There's something about it, man. It's really weird. But that chlorine, it smells so clean. Oh, my. See, I like gasoline. So there's no viruses. And I like my parts. Oh, right.

You know. Who amongst us? Josh, Josh, you're with me? Yes. Oh, my God. At least I'm not a. Jason, do you like a, I'm not one in six weird. Do you like a permanent marker?

No, I don't, I don't think I've got. You don't got like any of those smells? I think a tire. What about a windex? You like a good wind? Well, tires rubber is. Yeah. Like, but that's also like a new shoe, which.

I didn't even get to the second half of this. Would you rather swim in the pool that Mike talked about without goggles? Now, that's going to come with a cost. I mean, quickly. Or wash a paper cut out with lemon juice. This is an easy one. Did you know, you ever heard about eyelids? I was going to say, I literally don't swim with goggles, usually.

I mean, that's my default swimming. And I don't open my eyes under the water. Yeah, that's a young man's game. Yeah, I don't do it. Oh, I never did it. I never did it even when I was a kid. Oh, man, you did. No goggles? I swim blind. That is no living.

Wait, you close your eyes? I close my eyes. Oh, that's weird. I know people like you, they're weird. Do you still open your eyes in the pool? 100%. Oh, I can't. I can not do it anymore.

Really? Well, look, if it's chlorinated. Which is a pool. Yeah, it is. No, I know, but some pools are way less chlorinated because they're a salt cell pool. Okay. Or, you know, you don't need as much to maintain it. I grew up with a pool that almost had no chlorine in

minute and so I always swim with my eyes open. Then now I've grown up, have a chlorinated pool. It wrecks you in like five minutes. I mean, it's awful. In this question, though, you're open and your eyes underwater. Oh, okay. I don't think I can. I literally, my body won't let me.

It's the weirdest thing, man. I can't get myself, like when I was a kid, I could not get myself to trust that I can. You have an eye thing, though, right? Like you couldn't do context. Right. I can't touch my eyeball and something about, like, I don't believe. I don't believe. I don't believe that I'm allowed to open my eyes underwater.

Like the water is going to get into my eyeballs. I don't know. But I genuinely don't know if I could go like if you gave me $100. And you said, here, here's a Benjamin. You put it on the table and you said you get that. All you got to do. Go go in your pool. It's nice out.

Go underwater, open your eyes. And I will give you this $100. And you can't. I want that $100. Jason's version, if he went on Fear Factor, it would be the most basic stuff under this. It would be like, all right, for this one, Jason Moore is going to attempt to get a standard IV. Oh, he got his IV. And then it's like, now he has to return something at Target.

Yeah. For his final challenge, this encased spider will just sit here and do absolutely nothing while you stand and watch. She has to be in a room with one completely encased. non-venomous spider. I couldn't do it. It's just a steel box. You can't even steal the spider. You can't even see it.

You can't even see it? And he still don't do it. Man, you guys are creeping me out. That sounds awful. I'm not even joking, though. That sounds really terrible. But yeah, I don't think I can open my eyes underwater. So I'm going to be, I'm going to literally be washing them.

I'll wash the paper cut. Yeah, the paper cut. That'll sting like the dickens. It's such a small area. It'll go away fast. You can do anything to a small paper. area for a while. This is wasabi. Yeah.

Wasabi's going to burn, but then it's over. I mean, it's like putting the, the, what, the peroxide on a cut. Sure. It's really like, this is going to hurt real bad. That's true. That's actually a really good point. You wipe an alcohol.

That's a very old man thing because they just say, I don't think you're supposed to do that anymore. They say, don't do that. Yeah. That's like out. What about just like an alcohol wipe? That's fine. Yeah, like you, you,

but peroxide is like corrosive to some degree. So I think it would, I think it slows. the healing death. See, I was, the bubbling was, that was the bad stuff leaving my body. Yeah, that means it's working. Yeah. I, I have a fun story because I, I was having an, I think, an earache or some kind of ear problem. And somewhere in the grapevine 20 years ago, it was probably about 15 years ago because I was married. And someone told me that you should like put hydrogen peroxate in your ear. Oh, I did it every single. So my wife, I lay down sideways. she puts it on my ear.

This only time in my life that while I'm not moving in any capacity, the entire room was spinning in circles. Really? Oh, your equilibrium win. The room was spinning without moving. That's crazy. The whole room. When I was growing up, my mom, mama more,

she would clean out my ears with hydrogen peroxide every week. She must have distilled that thing with water or something. Oh, no. I mean, it's straight out of the brown thing right into the cap. Really? into my ear, yeah. And then it made all the, the sparkling noises. So your room didn't spin. No. But I think is, is this like one of those? Did you eat paint chips as a kid's situation?

Hydrogen peroxide while effectively killing bacteria damages surrounding healthy tissue, potentially slowing the healing process. So it's better soap and water, soap and water or an anointment. So just a little, little PSA out there, people. I heard an anointment. You also want to be anointed. If you get knighted, your wounds shall heal. I was anointed often when I got cuts and they went away.

Oh, I didn't see. Al Borland had just shared the information about hydrogen peroxide, and I missed it. Yes. Apparently it's not good anymore. Yeah, I mean, you know, the leeches. Back in my day. Yeah, I just say, we did leeches too, and eventually we graduate. They're like, those dummies with their leeches, give me the hydrogen peroxide.

Yes, yes, this is why. That's so funny. We know for the cut, just why don't you hold it open? While you pour it in to make sure I get all the bacteria. We're old men, but you know what? We should learn that we know nothing. Yep. We should be humble enough to know that everything we say dogmatically today is probably going to change.

Do you remember the food? At least some of it. Remember the food pyramid? Oh, yeah. That's upside down now. All right. Bethany from the website. Would you rather miss your child's first steps?

Oh. Or miss watching the Super Bowl in which your team wins. Now, I don't have... Red alert. I don't have the number, but I would be curious of, like, how many children do both parents see the first step?

Yeah. That feels like something that is usually just one parent. I feel like... And if you're lucky, both of them see it. I feel like that milestone and the first word are pushed upon us as though if you miss it is devastating.

Right. And I never had that thought. Is that because they're going to keep walking and keep talking? That would be why. Like if she says to me, if my wife called and said he took his first step, I'll be like, oh, cool, I'm coming home later. I'm going to get to see that. And it wouldn't be like in his second step, in his third step, and his fourth step. He's done.

He said this is it. That's so funny, Mike. Yeah, no, it's a really good point. You know, it's like, if it was, do you want to miss your child's only word? Yeah. Yeah, that would matter a lot. Right. He's going to say one word.

You want to be there for that? Whatever it is. It's his final word. So I think... Spider. I think I was there for the first steps of my children. All of them. But I don't remember.

Right. No, I don't know, man. I have kids. I've gone through this. So I don't care, man. Give me that Super Bowl. I'm trying to think back of did I see them and I don't remember. I don't know.

I was there for the first poop on the list. little potty. Yeah. That's the moment I wanted to be there for. There's no chance I missed all three of my kids first steps. And I, I mean, I don't know. I don't. Now, did your twins do it at the exact same moment? So you had to like divert your eyes or like cross-eyed or something or. Oh, no, no, no. My daughter was, you know, the winner. She was, well, I mean, she was, uh, rambunctious versus, uh, calm. And so, you know, she, she needed to be on the move. So let me ask you this. So Jason doesn't remember the steps. Andy, you don't? I don't remember. Ducers. Is anyone, if you have children? I do. Because he's got one of them. I do remember.

Yeah, I do. Easier to remember. What do you remember more? The steps or the couple Green Bay Packers Super Bowls that you have watched? Don't make me say that. Yeah. I'm picking the sports team. Yeah, baby. I mean, come on. My kid's still walking. No. What if you were at the, if you're at the Super Bowl and you miss the steps, is that worse? No, that's way better. Okay. That's a good reason. Yeah, because you got to go.

I don't even care. No, the math says, no matter what I miss when I go to the Super Bowl, I got to do it. Can I change this question? Yeah. Sure. What if, um, it's a sacred question. Don't do it. What if it was a different dilemma?

And it had to do with the birth of your child. Uh, yeah. But you do make the birth, but you make it by like a minute. Like you dive into the room. You make the birth. Okay. So you're not there. But you,

you miss. All the rest. I'm still there, man. I'm still. If I made it, I made it. Oh, so you're saying you do the Super Bowl.

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Now, if I miss, that's, if you're saying, I, I am gone because I,

I had to travel. You know, I mean, this, I'm sure has happened to someone where it's like, the Super Bowl is in Miami. And the, the wife is pregnant.

Right. It's like we were talking about it. Yeah, a couple weeks out. And then you travel and you go out of state. And then all of a sudden, labor says, it's today. And labor says what? And then imagine you're there and you've already flown to Miami.

And the Super Bowl's in Miami. And it's, it's, you messed up going. You messed up going. But now I can get home. You know, you need to enjoy the game. I can get home in an hour flight, let's say. Okay. Okay.

And your wife sends you a link. She's like, here, here's a ticket. You better go to the game. I don't think the FaceTime labor is like a big thing. The great news is your child won't remember that you weren't there. Yeah, but your wife will. I know. You got to go back.

Now, see, to get back into old man talk, the husbands used to just chill in the waiting room while it all happened. They weren't allowed in. Yeah. They'd smoke in the waiting room. That's not a joke. I know. And you know how much. In the hospital.

In the hospital waiting room. Again, things are changing. We're going to say we did something wrong. What do you think we do today that is insanely stupid? Oh, that's a good one. We'll be gone. It will be annihil. I don't think it'll be able to go.

We'll look back and there will be like two generations that were destroyed. And we'll look back in 100 years ago. Those were the two that were broken by social media. I always thought it was braces. Like this generation, this era. takes metal and cement in your mouth and breaks your bones so that you can look a certain way. So you look aesthetically pleasing? Right.

I was like, I think people will look back hundreds of years from now and be like, yeah, still doing it. Maybe the metal on the cement, but it's, see, at least with braces, it's better for your health. For your, yeah, it's like it fixes your health. If you're bite. So we think. Talk to all the one tooth over there. I don't know what you're talking about.

What do you think, Mike? Can you think of anything we do today that's just like... Oh, AI. Boys. I like your optimism of 100 years from now. That's cute. If there was 100 years from now. We're toast.

All right. We'll take... We got break time. Did we take a break already? We got break time. Oh, I couldn't remember. Let's take a break. All right.

We are looking at what's the difference as, you know, it's our job to settle some debil. What is the difference between a bistro, a cafe, and a diner? This is a great, great question. A bistro feels foreign to me. A bistro feels like a fancier. Do we have bistros in America? You can have bistros in America if they are international.

If they're foreign owned? You can have like a French bistro. Of course they are. I think they're all French. A bistro is French. I've come to the expert here. A cafe and a diner. A diner, I feel like, must be within a certain amount of yards from a major interstate.

Right. That's fair. That's how it feels to me. And it used to be, it had to be in a box car. Right, also true. Really? Yeah. A diner? Uh-huh.

Yeah, it used to be in a box car. What? If he said it, it's true. It's in a box car near the. What does that mean? I don't know. Okay. So you don't know what he's saying?

I have no idea. I will look something up. Wait. When you say a box car, are you talking like a train? Yeah. Like a dining car on a train. Why? You think that's where it came from?

If you search box car diner right now, you can see a link that says, why so many diners look like train cars. I didn't know that. Yeah. But that's not what that was. I think it might have something to do with like the dining car. Right. You know, in a train.

There's a dining car. And then they kind of just went with that in the shape of the, was. I did not know that. Was a smaller, it looked like a dining card. What's a cafe to you? Does it serve dinner? A cafe has no dinner. No, absolutely not.

Breakfast items only. Oh, lunch. Lunch. Lunch, too. Yeah, I feel like a cafe. Yeah. A cafe does not have a full. They got good breakfast. A cafe does not have a full kitchen.

You know what I mean? They can't make all the meals. They're like, you know, they can. Is there a bar in a cafe? No. Uh-uh. No way. But there isn't a diner.

Yeah. No, I don't mean like serving alcohol. I mean the kind of you like you can sit at the bar. You sit at the bar with a newspaper and a cup of coffee. Yes, a diner can't have one of those. I think they both probably have that. The cafe, at least a modern cafe. Yeah, they don't, they don't have a kitchen.

They just have the big box. It's not a microwave, but it's now where the super heater. I don't know what they're. Panini press. Are you talking about like when they. Convection. Is it a convection? Yeah.

You put it in, I mean, they're crazy because they heat things up in about 90 seconds. No. Sounds like there's a, what's the difference here of all these things you cook with. A bistro I wouldn't trust if it's not written in a script font. I don't feel like a bistro can exist in a standard non-scripted font. And they have to have burgers. And a diner does it, it needs to be able to have like a neon light. Of course.

Yes. Cafe doesn't have neon. No, because they're not open at night. Right. I am, I am like really frustrated. I'm trying to figure out what this is. I don't, you guys are making up something. What is that device?

It's driving me bonkers. What are you talking about? Okay, so you go to a sub place like Subway. Yeah. And they say, would you like that toasted? Yeah, a toaster oven. Is it? But these things are like super duper toaster ovens.

Your toaster oven at home. Industrial toaster oven. Maybe industrial. I was saying at home, your toaster oven is not doing to a sandwich with that thing does. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Um, Jason's lost. That's not what I'm talking. He's gone.

Jason's gone. What is, what is the, the countertop like the, the, it's not convection that, you know, the countertop where you, where you can heat stuff. Do we have like the jeopardy sound effect here? Oh, where it's not hot if you touch it. Induction. Induction. Thank you.

I am sorry that sometimes, sometimes something gets in my mind and I can't let it go. What an idiot. Induction. Thank you. Papa Josh, you've never looked more handsome. What is the difference between a viewpoint, a perspective, and an opinion? So hypothetically, you know, Mike, you've got a number of different viewpoints. Mike has a unique perspective on something.

Mike has his own opinions. What's the difference between those? This is a good question. A viewpoint is not something that you need others to have or share. A viewpoint is simply... Does it change from where you're standing? Well, yeah, I mean, it's your point of view. That's what I mean.

But a viewpoint is just, is just simply, it's like an opinion that you don't need others to share, to agree with. Most people want our opinions to be agreed with, right? Like, I think an opinion is something you try to win other people over on. Which that was, you just gave an opinion. Yes, I did. Yes, I did, Mike. The perspective and viewpoint are very similar. because they both represent like when you talk about a perspective it's from where you're sitting

and when you talk about a viewpoint it's from where you're sitting like you see things differently for both than other people because they're sitting over there they're sitting over there no so I think I think a perspective versus a viewpoint a viewpoint is like this is a thing I care about in my life like this is this is a thing I believe but which one for a viewpoint a viewpoint a viewpoint is like this is what I believe but that's not because of who you are you know what I mean but but your point your perspective I don't know what you mean your perspective is the reason I think this is because of what I've gone through the only way you can see my viewpoint or my perspective is if you stand where I'm standing when I look at the grand can in your shoes in my shoes you got to

put on his actual shoes that's a viewpoint yeah yeah that's what that's how your your viewpoints will merge. Yeah. There's otherwise you're just looking for me. You'll need a ladder too. You have your, we all have our own viewpoints, perspectives, and opinions, and they can't be, an opinion can be shared. It's a shared opinion.

Oh. Okay. You can share a whistle with a friend. Yeah. Can you share a perspective? No. Can you share your, you can have shared viewpoints, can't you? Yes.

Yeah. I think of wearing the shoes. A perspective. Yeah, you've got to be in the shoes at the Grand Canyon. This seems like the kind of question that you might answer with your own viewpoint. your own perspective. I think this is the first. It would be presumptuous of me to try to answer for you.

It's the first, what's the difference where we will end it and I will be even more confused. And that's why I want to know what's the difference between jelly, jam, and preserves. Okay, here we go. These are important. Here we go. Jelly is seedless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It can look gelatinous.

Yes, but it is, it is. This is a good one for today's draft. They ain't no chunks. No, no chunks are jelly. And you don't find real fruit in it. No. It might exist, but it's smooth and you don't know it's there. Jelly is science stuff, man.

Jelly is 100% that came from a production line. Jam and preserves, though. Those are starting to get, you're blurring the line there. Well, sometimes it's about the jar. Okay. Preserves. Preserves come in a, this is not a squeeze bottle. You're not having a squeeze bottle.

Well, they'll never make it out. Right, because it's so chunky. You can squeeze bottle jam? You can squeeze bottle jam. I didn't know that. I thought jam was always in a jar. Because when it's in the jar, does it say jam no preserves or does it say jelly no preserves? I do not know.

Both? I think both can make the point of letting you know you're not getting stuck with preserves. Because I don't want to get stuck with them and neither do you. Preserves is what you get when here's what. Wait, preserves are bad? Is that the leftover fruit? Preserves are basically like, if there's no jelly or jam, you can preserve this toast by putting this crap on it. I thought that's what that means.

I thought preserves were the like the nice organic, like. Oh, you got chunks of fruit all up in there. Oh, yeah, for sure. They might not even peel the fruit the way they should. They just dug this thing right out of the ground. Is it that the preserves are chewy where like the jam is, it's not smooth like jelly, but it's not chewy. Correct. Jam is the middle ground between jelly and preserves.

Yes, yes. That's, I completely agree. That's why it can still fit in a squeeze bottle. It's hard, but it can still get there. There's no way you're putting preserves in a squeeze bottle. No, preserves might as well be like, you know, you want an apple preserves? Step on an apple three times putting in a jar. Right.

And that says you've preserved it. Yeah, it's over. So like, and when stuff, when something can't come out of a container, that's why you say it got jammed. That's right. That's right. It can't get jellied because jelly is smooth and it has no problem flowing out. You cannot get jelly. Jam can get stuck.

I've never been in a bad jelly. No, but you've been in a traffic jam. Yeah, not a traffic jelly. No. I guess traffic jelly is just, you know, that's just smooth sailing. Yeah. Everyone's going at a really high rate of speed. Okay.

All right, we figured that out. What is the difference between being hurt, injured, and wounded? This is a great question for my children. Oh, yeah, it is important. I've got to be honest. Off the cuff, wounded can only happen in a war. Well, it's definitely. Wounded's bad.

Wounded is. He was wounded and, I mean, you can't say, oh, man, he went, he played in that local rec basketball game in was wounded? No, no. No, there's a musket involved. Some weapon. Or a can't. It has to be some weapon.

Can you be wounded in a home invasion? No. I don't think so. I think you've got to be wounded in Korea. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. It's got to be a battle. It might only be Korea.

Some kind of battle is what causes wounds. Yeah. Then injured is a long-term hurt. It has to be diagnosable. If I'm hurt, I won't be hurt tomorrow. I hurt my toe. I hurt my toe. Yeah, you hurt your toe.

Yeah, if you're injured, a doctor will validate the pain. If you're hurt, a doctor might say, yeah, nothing's wrong with you. I mean, take some Tylenol. And you can't injure your feelings. Right. You can hurt your feelings. So it's not as maybe hurt. Injured is worse.

Maybe hurt is like, you can't. really see it? Maybe it's an invisible injury. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you just can't diagnose it. But I will say that if I hurt my toe and then tomorrow it still hurts, turns out I actually injured my toe.

You think? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm with that. Not just a baby. No. No. No, I was an injury if it hurt two days in a row. All right.

Let's take a break and let's draft. All righty, it's time to draft. are drafting things that are sticky. And let me tell you, folks, there's a lot of sticky things out there. None of this, none of those drafting a stick nonsense. No, things that are sticky. That's a good dad joke, though. All right.

We. The spitballers are so ready to draft. I knew something felt empty. There was something inside and me felt like I'm not complete right now. Thanks deucers for taking over. We got you. Things that are sticky draft. All right.

Now, I think that there's, I have the number one pick. And I do think that there's something that maybe the polls, maybe the voters out there, maybe they'll give more credence to this one sticky thing that belongs at the top of the draft. But I simply don't want to take it. I think that there is one thing. that I think is the most sticky. Is the 101? That is the 101 that I want on my team. I don't

just want to draft something and pander. I want the number one sticky thing when I think of sticky things and that is honey. Yes, that is the 101. I am taking honey at 101. It is the stickiest of all things. It is the stickiest. Okay, okay, good. It's the clear one-on-one. When we're done

with the draft, we can talk about the thing I thought was number one that people would prefer. What is crazy to me? I mean, it's insane. I can't, like, But there's got to be studies done on it. There's no way. When you take a brand new, you know, let's say it's the bare squeeze bottle of honey. Right.

You take this thing and it's brand new and it's not sticky on the outside. Don't open it. And you put a little dollop, you know, you open it, you unscrew it, get the cap. You put a little dollop of honey on a bun and then you put that back and you watch it. No honey spilled out of this cap. The next time you go and grab that. That honey, it's sticky. Yep.

How? It is, no one has ever accomplished getting honey without making the container sticky. It's impossible. I mean, that's the, that is the one-on-one. It was the top of my list. Yeah, I was, I thought maybe there were a couple of other things that people might pander to, but I, for me, it's honey. We're doing a sticky draft for really pandering to the crowd, trying to win that poll. Always, Mike.

299 episodes of competition. All right. Am I up? All right. You took honey. It was, it is for sure on the list. I am going to start my draft with gum. Gum is sticky.

What's going to be the response for everything here. The thing about gum is, what is it with gum in a shoe that it becomes impossible to get off of the shoe? Right. If it's under a desk, it kind of. hardens and you could just peel it off. Uh-huh. But if it's in your shoe, if you step on like in rocks, you might as well throw your shoe away.

Yeah, gum is very sticky. And some gum is stickier than other gum. It might as well be cement. Oh, there's there's stickier gum. Yeah. Really? Yeah, because I think sometimes gum is made to like there's bubble gum that blows bubbles better.

And there's regular gum. I think the bubble gum stickier. That's just a random conjecture in my 40 years of experience. I think it's stickier gum. I don't know why. So you're saying like if you get a piece of, and I don't want that checked. You get a piece of double bubble or like some trident. Maybe it's just because when you blow bubbles, you want more gum. And so people who blow bubbles have more total gum. Like if you were going to blow a bunch of bubbles, you put a couple sticks in. Yeah. You would. And wait a minute. I was right. Al, what you got here? Oh, no, no. You didn't want to be validated.

It says yes, bubble gum is stickier than regular gum because of its hydrophobic polymers, which Repel water and don't dissolve in saliva. Okay. I did science over my life. Impressive. Okay. PSA, people, just throw your gum away for the love of society. Put it in a trash can.

No, I'm just a hard take. I'm just kidding. I was like, what, we got a weird take over here. How many times have you ever not thrown your gum away? Honest, let's come clean. Like a full spit on the ground? Not or anything. Throwing it out of a car window.

or having to get rid of gum and not going, you can swallow the gum. I can tell you right now my number is incalculable. Really? It's you? It's you? My number is. I can tell you, but I don't even remember doing it. But it's only one place, one area.

Okay. Where's that? It's out a car window. Specifically when turning at an intersection with gravel. On the outside that you can throw it into? Yeah. I've done that. Big important question, though, because someone,

someone out there, they're going to, the truth is yes to this question. Have you stuck it under a desk? Never. Never. I've never done that. I've never done. Anybody over there and do. Like even when you were a kid. There's no way you didn't stick it under a desk, Papa Josh.

There might be some under this. Wait. Wait a minute. Falcon, have you ever stuck down under a desk? Never. No. You're too young for that. That's a old man's game. All right. So gum was Mike's pick.

Jason, you got back-to-back picks. All right. Well, I'm going to take something that is made to be sticky. It is glue. Glue is the sticky substance. That was the item I was thinking Mike did number. Oh, really? Glue I thought would.

Real pander bear over here. I know. Man, the people are going to love it. I mean, glue and Fortnite. I mean, people don't use honey to conjoin items. Right. They do use glue to stick items together.

That's why I think it's a very powerful steel. number three. Yes. Well, thank you. And then there's something, there's, there's a couple here I like more, but I think they will come back to me or have a chance. So I'm, I'm going to, I'm going to take, I'm going to, I'm going to take syrup. Surrup is like, it's the honey of breakfast. You know what I mean? Like, syrup bottles are sticky and I'm telling you, man, my youngest has no idea how to eat with syrup. I've never seen it in their defense it is very difficult. I mean unless I make him like eat it on the floor like a dog over a bull. There's no way he's not getting that all over him. He still got a problem with it. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I'm sure when he's 40, he will not be able to

how to eat with syrup. Uh, syrup was pretty high on my list as well. Mike, you have gum on your roster. What are you going with next? All right. So let's see. Yeah, so. Got one pick I hope slips through to me. I don't know if that helps you or hurts you. I think that is inconsequential. I'm going to go with, I'm going to take toothpaste. Toothpaste.

You haven't had toothpaste on your counter? Now, I, hold on. Originally, no, we're just looking at you with some thoughtfulness. And I was originally, I don't really put that in the sticky category right away, but then I'm remembering, especially the kind of toothpaste they had as a kid. It's like the blue. Oh, yeah, the electric neon blue? The neon blue.

That was some sticky stuff. I mean, imagine, you know, the same thing about a bottle of honey where once it's on there, it's sticky forever. Now you can be neater with your toothpaste, but once it's starting to get on the top of there, it's a big problem. And if you have never cleaned your children's vanity, Yeah. Then you, maybe you don't know how sticky toothpaste is, but that thing is a menace. It's, it's weird because, like, when I would question the pick, I don't feel like it is sticky because, you know, use it every day. You put it in your mouth and it's not sticky.

It doesn't feel sticky in those moments. And then it does not become sticky when left on the camera. Correct, correct. It becomes cement. Sometimes, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? It just, it just, it becomes part of the camera.

the counter. If it's a small enough amount, yes. But not the amount that my children managed to leave on the bathroom sink. Unexpected, but it is sticky, which we're drafting. All right. Interesting. Okay, my, my next two picks are going to be

ooh. All right, I know one of them right out of the gate. And you can pronounce it however you want. But it's going to be caramel. It's going to be caramel. Caramel is stickier than caramel. Caramel is stickier than caramel. Caramel is stickier. care of their bottle. Yeah, it's caramel. Are you a caramel?

No, of course not. I don't know. Neither of you are. I don't know. You think I'm a caramel guy? I wouldn't, the producers, I wouldn't put it past Jason to be a caramel. I bet in fine restaurants he's the caramel guy. Can I have a bunch? Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Oh. No. That's the look of a man who ordered some. Can I have five fine caramels at the local

bistro? I would feel so beyond awkward. Even, even saying, the word caramel. I feel like I'm saying that wrong. What's your new favorite thing to eat lately? Caramel. No, no. What did you order on our trip? Fancy boy. What did I pay $90 for? 15 grams of it. Oh, yeah. How do you pronounce that? Why can't I think of the word? I literally Caviar. Oh, caviar. Yeah. Okay. I'm just saying like you're not. Caramel's not above you. Okay. I think the Venn diagram of people who eat caviar and say caramel, it's pretty much just a complete circle. I wonder on brand, my brand, if I were to tweet out like, how do you think I say this word, you know, like caramel or caramel? Right.

I think most people would put me in the caramel box. You think you're, I think so. You think people look at you and they think here's a regular old midtown American guy. Can you get this pull up almost immediately so we know by the end of the show? We can do that. All right. It's also, it's caramel. Yeah.

Yeah. So look, that is, I mean, that's your pick. That's the stickiest of the candies. Sure. I mean, that is, it's a good pick. And then he just said his said his pick was good. Great work. That was a good.

I don't know if it's the stickiest of the candy. It's the best pick. A lot of people are talking about this pick. All right. I don't know if it is the best pick, but a lot of people are telling me it's best. My third pick Man will that make it through to me No I'm just going to go with it now

No I'm going to save it All right my pick is jelly and jam Jelly and Jam No preserves huh I mean no I mean you know what I'm talking about here That's also the container that's super sticky Where if you put a little too much on you're going to have sticky fingers I'm going with jelly jam

All right So you're jelly jam You have honey, caramel, jelly jams. So I have gum, toothpaste, and obviously we're not talking right out the can. But soda pop. Once soda pop has started to do is drying. Jason's face. Were you going to go with soda pop?

I was really hoping that soda on the floor was available for me because there is nothing stickier on the planet. I had considered just drafting a movie theater floor. Sure. Because, but that's soda. Yeah. That's when you're, that's what makes it sticky. When you're going through the movie theater, it's because soda is all over the ground. And it's amazing how sticky it becomes.

Wow. That means I got to go back to my list. I was like ready. You had the clothes. Oh, I was ready. But the, man, soda on the floor is like, you can't get it clean either. You can't do it. Mop it up.

Wait, I just mopped it. I'm still. No, you clean. the floor and then you take the step and it's still on the bottom of your shoe and you put it back on the floor. You just throw those shoes away too. We're throwing away a lot of shoes today. All right.

Two picks to you, Jason. Two picks. I know one of them because I was prepared for soda on the floor. We do have an official spitballers pull up which says, how do you think Jason FFL pronounces the word Carmel. Four votes in. We're sitting 50-50. So we'll let you know.

We'll let you know how it goes, Jason. You've got a couple of picks. I'm voting right now. Okay. So you're trying to skew the vote. What? All right. I'm going to take a toddler's hands.

Dude, I've never. I mean, that's a good pick. Dude, toddlers hands. You are correct. They are always sticky. It's unbelievable. Yeah. We're dads of three.

We've gone through those phases. And it's just like, disgusting little monsters. I love them to death. Which is funny because, like, at a certain age, they also need you to hold their hand across the street. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And you are like, oh, my gosh. Yeah. My hand is so dirty now. So gross. Because they eat and they lick and they put them in their mouth and they eat some more. And they play with the ground. And it all mixes together. Yeah. So gross. It's disgusting. Okay. All right. So Toddler's hands are there. That's a good pick with glue. And then I'm going to go with something so sticky.

You wouldn't even believe how sticky it is. That it murders. That it kills. Oh. I'm going to go with insect traps. Oh. And I don't know if you've ever had this accidentally. It kills insects, right?

Yes. But if you have ever accidentally got one of these things on anything else, it's done. It's over with it. It's over. If you mess up the folding of them where you're, because you have to, they come flat. Right. And then you, you peel the things. off and then you fold them into the shape of the insect trap.

And if you accidentally touch the top to the bottom, throw it in the garbage game. I want to let you know a secret, Andy, that I am embarrassed about. It is true. My insect guy used to drop those things off. He'd leave me these little sticky pads. Yeah. Did you not know that's what you're doing? Isn't it his job as the bug man to...

This is a couple bug men ago. They're bonus traps. Yeah, bonus traps to put around. So he'd always leave a couple bonus traps. He could leave the bonus traps out. So here's the thing. He left them, you know, unpeeled, whatever. And so for years, I would use these.

I did not know that it folded up into like a little box. You put him flat? Come on. I just take the peel off and left it. Your poor toddlers. And I'm telling you if. And your dog. I got it on things all the time, man.

Oh my gosh. It was a real problem. If you stepped on it on accident, throw them shoes away. You would step on these on accident Yes, I had no idea they folded into a into like a box A Caramel man You taught me You didn't know but like

You I think it was up at the cabin You showed me like the trap that you were putting out And it was like oh you were watching me Yeah and I was like oh my goodness That's how they're supposed to work And they're excellent Did you look and say what is that thing? Yeah

I was no no actually this is actually true what I actually thought was, ooh, I got to buy those. Oh, like they're different ones? Yeah. I was like, oh, I didn't know they make them like that. That's the expensive ones. Jason's being constantly caught in his own traps.

Oh, man. By the way. At least four times. 84 votes in. 60% of people think that you say caramel. Yeah, I'm seeing it. Yeah. 40% say caramel.

I guess I'm a fancy pants. Including Jack who says he 100% says caramel, thinking it's fancy. Yeah. Okay. Well, at least I know I'm fancy. So, I love that we all know your fancy boozy and you're like,

no, no, I'm just a regular guy. Well, but also on brand is like the, the buffoon stupid can't spell type of thing. Flat trap, flat insect traps.

So that part of me, I thought would win the caramel, you know, but all right. All right. I guess I got to start ordering some, ordering some kids. Aramel.

Yeah. Or just put some on a flat piece of paper and set it around the house. Catch the bugs. All right. Mike, you have gum, toothpaste, and soda pop. Jason ended with glue, syrup, toddler's hands, and insect traps. Those are really good last round picks. Mike, one more for you.

I'm going to take duct tape. Yeah. Ooh, that stuff is sticky. Duck tape is really sticky. Yeah. Okay. I don't know if we've talked. about it, but I don't remember.

So how much of your life did you go around thinking it was duck tape? 85%. 80 to 90%. Okay. I'm right around there too. In fact, it might still be. Well, there is duct tape brand now because someone figured out that everyone is dumb and it's duct tape.

But in our defense, that's silly to call it duck. The T's run together. But anyways, if you are still one of those people, Thinking that it is duck tape. It's not. D-U-C-T. Yeah. Which I imagine that it's taping a lot of ducks together.

Yeah, that's fair. It does a lot. All right, my final pick, I have honey, caramel, jelly, and jam, and then I've got, unfortunately, I've got a lot of picks left, but I, I'm going to go with something that was so sticky that it was a punishment at one point in time. It was something that was done to. people because it was so miserable. Oh. It's tar.

Yeah. It's tar and feather. I mean, people were tarred and feathered. Oh, man. And I think tar is so bad that, like, dinosaurs literally are like, I'm just going to die in here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that was the Earth's bug traps. The Earth's bug traps. Tar. The Earth's. There were a lot more tar pits, apparently, in the old and prehistoric times. Like, I don't feel like we're running into as many tar pits these days. Are we closing them up? Like that?

Quick Sand was supposed to be everywhere. And was everywhere. Even when we were growing up, it was everywhere. Yeah, it's really. I've never seen it. No. Yeah, we've done a lot of good work getting rid of quicks. But Tar is my final pick to go on to our things that are sticky draft.

Honorable mention, the one I really, a couple of them that were good that I didn't get to pick. Marshmallows. Oh, man. which is a once they're melted yeah yeah and then and uh or if you bite into them a little saliva gets and then sap yeah sap is sample get on your car

and there's no getting it off no sap is is impossibly sticky i've got it's it's like nature like a trees honey is sap homemade slime and you could homemade slime if you make it wrong if you make it wrong it can be really sticky that's what i'm saying homemade because i

I promise you my house that I just moved from. That still got some slime. They're going to find it. Forever. I had stamps. Okay. Okay. I'm glad you didn't pick it.

That's why I didn't pick it. No, I'm glad you did. Busted. And I don't know if the word. And hairspray. Sticky. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.

It's gross. Hot wax. Yeah. Not that we run into that a lot. It's sticky for hair. But much like toothpaste that eventually, it kind of hardens. Yep, it does. Do you have those wax lips as a kid, the candy?

Why did those become a thing? They're so gross. I don't know. But Jason, yo. We're 371 votes and it has closed. Oh. It's caramel only by 52 to 48%. Okay.

Oh, really? Yeah. So we got a sample size. This thing might turn around. 51.49 is what I'm seeing. 51.49. We're getting closer. Oh, no.

You're up to 52. Your fancy levels are really... But if nothing, at least half the people out there think you're a caramel man. That is... That's got to feel good. A fact now. And the other half, they know that you would leave an insect trap wide open, open-faced. Open-faced insect traps.

What did we learn today? I mean, Jason's a caramel man. That one's easy. Yeah, I mean, that's a good one. And I, man, I liked your draft, Jay. It was pretty good. Thanks. Al said he loved those wax bottles that had the juice inside of them.

No. I did. No. Those were awesome. Those were awesome. They just chew on some wax. Most people are against us, Jeremy. But if you want to split like a six pack of those later, gross.

I wouldn't eat them now, but as a kid, I liked him. Oh, okay. I totally wouldn't either. Definitely. I learned we have no idea the difference. between viewpoints and perspectives. Yeah, I think that that's fair. And I learned a lot about preserves today.

So that'll do it for today's Spitballers episode. Thank you for dropping by. Thank you for hanging out with us. Mike with the episode 300 scat next week. It's just going to be record setting. Don't miss it. You won't believe it. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, Check out spitballerspod.com.