Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Turtle Races & Selfish Punishments To Give Our Children - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

Spit Hit for Oct 17th, 2024: On this episode, find out what unflattering word Mike uses to describe Andy’s appearance. We also discuss desirable animal defensive mechanisms, stair mules, and magic wallets. After sharing some crazy real-life news headlines, we close it down with a draft of selfish punishments to give our children. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Today's show is sponsored by our friends at Greenlight. As your kids get older, some things about parenting get easier. You know, they can clean up after themselves. You can reason with them, but some other things do come up, like having the conversation about money. The fact is, kids won't really know how to manage their money until they're actually in charge of it. That's where Greenlight can help. Greenlight is a debit card and a money app made for families. Parents can send money to their kids, keep an eye on kids spending and saving, while kids and teens build money confidence and lifelong financial literacy skills.

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and then that's gonna add to the allowance that they get at the end of the week. They don't do the chores, they don't get the money. It's that easy. It really does help manage the money and teach the kids about it. Sign up for Greenlight today at greenlight.com slash ballers. That's greenlight.com slash ballers. To try Greenlight today, greenlight.com slash ballers. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve?

It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. A-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b poop that teeth papa toodle the poop That was a full poop. It was. I ended with the explosion on that poop Cleaner our strongest entry yet I was gonna say cleaner ending than some of Jason's in the past. Well, not really. It actually, not really cleaner, I guess. Yeah. Poop is one of the least clean things. There is no clean poop. Is that fair? That is very fair.

Oh, well, no. Well, hmm. So, let's discuss. I mean, this is important. There is a clean poop, but it's not the poop that is clean. It's when you have one of those poops and it's like the no the no wiper I mean the the wiper no wipey There's a clean execution

Why is there a spotlight on Jason? I was just moving stuff around and hit a wrong button. Apologies. I mean, at least it went to the right person, the one talking about the clean poop. Al was just, he was like, oh, give me more. Give me more. Give me more Dora the Explorer jokes. Welcome into the Spitballers podcast. Andy, Mike, and Jason back with you.

Al Borland hitting the buttons. All the buttons. All the buttons. Today's segments, would you rather is this real life and we are drafting self-serving punishments for your children. I mean we all want to teach discipline, want to instruct our children and you know these punishments they also benefit us. So we'll draft those today as well. Spitballerspod.com is the website. You can find us on social media, on YouTube. YouTube.com slash spitballers. Tell your friends about the show.

If you have friends that you're like, ah, they need more poop content. Yeah, I guess we're here for it. If they need the merits of a clean poop, debate it. I mean, there is no clean poop, nor could you clean a poop. No, there's a whole phrase about that Can't shine a turd. Oh, yeah. Yes one of one of your kind of idioms for life. Yeah. Yeah, that's a The whole phrase can't shine a turd Jason Moore. Yes, I came up with that

Would you rather I mean technically that has nothing to do with cleaning it. That's more of the physical appearance, right? You can't polish a turd to make it look attractive. Don't tell me what I can't do. People don't do sculptures. No, thank goodness. I bet they do. Blake from Patreon, would you rather have a magical suitcase

that always contains the perfect outfit for any occasion, or a magical ATM wallet that always has the amount of cash you need when you open it up? Come on. Wait, read the fine print. Oh. All right, the outfit will not physically change any of your attributes, aka. I'll still be

Lumpy mom. Okay, so it's black Wow Lumpy Lumpy is one of the most hurtful Expressions that I can remember you just called Andy lumpy to be fair, I was saying it for all of us. That might be one of the deepest cuts. I mean, this is a moment of my, this is turning point in my life.

I don't think I've heard that as the adjective before. The problem is I was looking for something like that. I just didn't want it to be lumpy. I mean, something softer than lumpy. You want to be cushy or just puffy? Sure a little swollen you know stung by bees but lumpy makes it feel like it's in all the wrong places. All right here's the fine print for that question so we don't instantly choose the money one which we always do. The outfit will not physically change any of your attributes

Including your lumpiness, but it will be as stylish as and flattering as possible for the occasion Which is cool. The wallet is connected to your bank account and works just like an ATM in your pocket Okay, so when you are when you are standing at the vela you need a crisp $5 bill yeah, I mean this changes everything because I can tell you, I don't know outside of a valet the last time I've handed cash to a human being. I mean, it is now reaching the point where I haven't been to a bank to get cash or an ATM to get cash outside of we're going on a trip and there might be a valet Yeah, or a luggage per you know, the uh, the tipping someone

outside of a tip Yeah outside of a tip. I'll take money out if I am going to the casino So this is not fair. I mean this is I already have a magic ATM. It's called a car Fair I mean this is I already have a magic ATM. Yeah, it's called a car It's called the credit card and it connects to my bank and I use it and it takes money out of my bank like this Magic wallet does it's just not in cash see the problem with the other one though for me personally because of my extreme lumpiness lump plus lump plus is that all of songs about the the best Like was she's just she's just trying to are they insulting somebody yes I didn't know it was such a mean song. Yes, very enjoy that joke all you 80s babies

All right, but you know, it's it's gonna be as stylish and flattering as possible, the outfit that's in. Right. So I know for a fact that the color of the shirt I am pulling out is black because anything else is unflattering to my lumps. And so I don't feel like this suitcase is that great. It would be the most flattering that those other colors could be for you. You could go to a lot of funerals with this suitcase and be fine. I wonder if having that suitcase would unlock a new world of socializing for me. Sure. Because I would imagine there are events or things that I would do but I think about

Do I want to put you don't get dressed up and it's not even like a part of getting dressed up is not just Owning it it's like figuring out which combination and is it's fair clean and is it wrinkly and and Do I have you know how comfortable are the? And do I know where that one shirt is that I like the most? It's somewhere, but it's probably wrinkled. You know where it is? It's in your magic suitcase. So that's pretty cool.

Now I thought of another reason that I need cash. And always in upsetting fashion, my children have like field trips that they go on, or things at school that they need. And it's always like $22, $17. I can't even just give them a $20 bill and be like, here you go, take this to school, and it pays for it.

It's like, well, I've only got, I can only give $40 and you need 22. Like, that's not change I'm gonna just say, yeah, keep the change that's double the price why is the school always asking for for cash and unmarked bills right they do what are they up to there's some teachers that need to eat dinner that's what it is it's for dinner for the teachers which I'm good with that but he always like where's where's the paper trail for all

these field hashes flying around look I'm taking the suitcase. It's more pragmatically, I could go to an ATM. Also clothes are expensive so you're telling me... Oh that's a good point. Now wait, does this magical suitcase, is it only my wardrobe that I have? Nope, it does not specify that. This is magic? Yeah, we're taking the suitcase. Yeah, I'll take the free clothes. OK, would you like a wallet that gives you your money? Do you have to put it back in the suitcase afterwards, though?

Yeah. I imagine you don't get to keep it. That's all right. You don't need to keep it. Yeah. OK. I don't wear two things at once. Oh, like if you did keep it, though,

you'd be selling this all the time to make unlimited money. That would be your... Oh, no, it's not about making money, it's about not spending money on clothes. We're all suitcase? Yeah. All right, Messy Mom from Patreon writes in for us and says, would you rather have a photographic memory but never be able to forget anything? Oh no. Or have the ability to selectively forget things? this is about about the bad times sure this is about the

good times Is it I mean if you're like if you never forget anything It then becomes the what type of person and what's your your your mental well-being of being Are you like are you able to focus on only the good stuff? Because you remember it all very clearly. As you say, that is, I would hope what would happen is we are really good at forgetting the kind of menial goodness of life.

Exactly. And it would be present all the time. When you face a difficulty in life and you actually remember all the difficulties you got through, it makes it more comforting. But maybe that's a perspective thing, but your perspective is a lot easier, more easily framed if you remember. Yeah, I think it's so easy for us to remember pain, trauma, things that have hurt us, and it's a little more difficult to remember when something was like oh that was such a great Event remember how you felt in that moment. So if you can remember everything I think that's uh, that's an easy thing

Also, there's there are tremendous benefits if you had a true photographic memory. Oh, yeah, I mean I I dream of that That's like one of the superpowers of all superpowers that I would love like I don't know I might feel like I want to read more. Because genuinely, I get depressed that when I read a book, I've sat down and read a full book and said, and concentrated, and been like, I want to remember this book. And a year later, you asked me what was in it,

and I won't be able to tell you almost anything. A year later, I don't remember the previous chapter, my man. That's, I mean, but isn't that depressing? Who's this guy? It's like you're loading the software and on the other end someone's sucking it out with a shop vac Yeah, no, the memory is extremely important. I I don't know about these Books that you guys are talking about but I watch a lot of shows Right and I certainly can, you know, it's like when I can't binge watch shows and I've got to watch it week after week and I go, I haven't watched this in a week, what happened? What? I don't, I don't

remember what was going on at all. I need those, those recaps. I'm gonna go photographic memory. Final answer. Seems the thing to go, for sure. I wish that this was something that, do you think we'll ever get to the point where we could just, I don't know, like they'll pay for things like this? Like you'll be able to like get opt in? Like that stuff will start really expensive, right?

Like when they start messing with your body and improving things, I mean even like when LASIK first came out, right? That was for the richest people on earth in the very beginning. Now they got coupons for it. I don't know if I want a coupon for that. Groupon.com Just saying.

No, you're right. Open the Sunday paper. Buy one, I get one free. But do you think they'll ever be able to give you upgrades like this? What would you pay? It certainly seems like they will. Well let's just pretend this is on the market right now it's on the open market let's say there's a bit you know I would pay a hundred percent of whatever I have 100% I'm just saying would you go you go to zero now if you

told me hey you empty your bank account you go to answer you go to zero you're just whatever you have you know if you've got a thousand dollars you got a million dollars whatever you have you go to zero and you can get a photographic memory that you'll remember everything forever Obviously, I still have a job. I'm not retired. I got a redo my savings but like what is you know the cost the value of something like that seems Well priceless now, what if? something like that seems, well, priceless. Now what if...

Your earning potential goes up with your photographic memory. It certainly would, but what if it is hard drive based, as in like... Like a hard drive hanging out on my... Yeah, I mean, you have to plug a hard drive in, and they're like, it's like a terabyte. So, like, the thing will fill up,

and if you wanna remember some other stuff, you have to go home to your catalog of actual hard drives and then and then plug that one in now. Kind of like this. So he like deletes he deletes his jujitsu knowledge to go and get some stock knowledge. OK, OK. I think that's still good. But what worries me here in this new version, as we as we dive through this, is what is the visual equipment that I have to have attached to me? Oh they make really small SSDs now I mean you got no problem it's like behind your ear. Oh see I was going like a full you got a you got a dongle in the back. I got a serial port hanging down with like a little. What happens when it gets knocked out?

Oh hey that's on you. I think it'd be interesting to get further tease this out. Let's say it's limited, like you said. Let's just say it's 10 core subjects, right? And you walk around in society and you've got those 10 things printed out. And like people see you and you're like, oh, this guy knows, he knows about space travel, dolphins. Right?

How to cook a steak to perfection. Carpentry. Carpentry. But then it's like you look at people and you're like, oh, I need that guy. Right. How to cook a steak to perfection. Carpentry. Carpentry. But then it's like you look at people and you're like, oh, I need that guy. That's interesting. And then you can swap it out. I don't know.

That sounds kind of fun. You can swap it out. All right. John from Twitter. Which defensive mechanism would you rather have? The ability to deploy a protective shell like a turtle, sounds awesome, or the ability to completely blend into your surroundings like a chameleon. I don't get hit with things too often. No, but the

turtle, it's funny because personality wise, the turtle is like, it's like the kid going under the covers for the monsters. It's like you're protected, you're safe, and you're secluded, and it's quiet. Oh, so I can just nap? You could nap. Excuse me, I'm going to take a quick nap. Turtle shell. If you could go into your turtle shell, let's say a tsunami is hitting a beach and

you're on the beach. You go turtle shell, you're fine, right? No, you're not fine. You're drowning in your turtle shell. No, you're knocked around and stuff, but in the turtle shell you're fine. I think it's waterproof. My head can get in there. The water can get in there.

Yeah, I think you're much safer from the debris problem. You hop onto your back, man. But there's like a little raft. Floating on the waves? Yeah. Then you'll never be able to stand up. Not for a dime till the water subsides. Well, but that's a good follow-up point here, Mike.

I need to stand. Well, because if you flip a turtle on his back, you're done. He's done. No, this is a turtle shell on a human. We got longer limbs. Well, you're not really a chameleon here. I'm not talking about your eyes being all big like this is the the power the feature

The chameleon one what are you gonna do with that you got to stand still I? Could just only think of his tracks Guardians I could move so slow. It's it's imperceptible Hello drugs talk to me what your first impression was. Which one would you? My first impression is the turtle shell. Wait, that you would take it? Yeah.

Oh, my first impression was one of these things is never going to be used, which is the turtle shell. I'm using that all the time. In fact, I'm hooking it up to my... When you're driving in your car and you've got the... You're like with your airbag with my airbag. I couldn't remember the word airbag when your airbag deploys your my turtle shell deploys just an extra layer of safety. Yeah I mean I'm just thinking when was the last

time I break it down on a dance floor. Like oh sure. I mean if you're going to do like children's birthday parties and dress up as Leonardo, this is pretty cool. That's definitely the one to take. But in my life going backwards, when would I have gone, man, I wish I had a turtle shell at that moment. I can't think of like I would have gone hard in the streets if I had a turtle shell. So you're saying my whole life would have been you would change. You'd be tougher. You're getting a lot of bar fights. I would go. Yeah. A lot lot of that it would be weird though because in the bar fight I'm not gonna win the fight I'm just gonna be but you

ain't losing I'm just gonna go into a turtle shell the guy's gonna leave eventually now it's really weird this is like an incredible Hulk situation though right because if you if you're wearing your you're not wearing it all the time no no I'm saying you got your t-shirt on, and I hulk out, I shell out, my shirt's gonna go. You're going home with the shell on. Yeah, because as soon as I de-shell. That's your new clothes. I'm nude.

Yeah. And obviously you can get in the whole shell. It's big enough for you to get into it. For sure. Turtles can get in, I can get in. Didn't you ever have a bean bag growing up, and go turtle shell with it? No. I explained turtle ever have a bean bag growing up and like go turtle shell with it No, I'd explain turtle so with a bean bag like hide under the bean bag you hide under it like the bean bags a turtle shell

No, did you crawl around look? Good question not a lot of crawling. No, it's more like the safety mode. You just hide under a bean bag Everyone did just check. Oh, I my people, they're out there. No they are not. The turtle shells are out there. The beanbag turtle shell people are out there. Al's not one of them. Nobody's one of them. I am one of them. Yeah! What? I mean a beanbag looks like a turtle shell and when you're little, it covers your whole body. This is blowing my mind. Now, I'm, what is this?

Where are my turtle shells at? Were you hiding, or is this just like an imaginary game? You pretending you're a turtle. Sometimes it was in the middle of like a wrestling match or something, and you'd go, you'd go, he's nodding. It was just fun to put your whole body under the bean bag. That's right. And you're just in your own little universe.

I feel like if I were fighting with someone and they went turtle show under a bean bag I would. I bought it. I would watch a man Randy Savage and they did. And you were safe and it was fun. OK. OK. I mean it's a safe space. I can't believe that more than one person have turtle shell bean bag. Oh man. Everything I've ever said negative about Al has been deemed just today. Honestly, that's 50% of us in this room. Dude, give it a go. You need to buy a bigger beanbag, but give it a go.

You get those with that love sack? Yeah. Those are expensive. I've looked into love sacks. I think we've talked about this on this show, but Jason has a beanbag that could fit all of us under it. Yes, that is true. Now, would it... I I mean you'd probably get crushed

under the weight of this thing, right? How heavy is this bean bag? It is. You're fine, man. It's beans. There's little beans in there. You're fine, people can go Randy Savage and that. They're baked beans.

Did they, did they ever like originally start making a bean bag where it was like uncooked beans? No, well actually oh, yeah Like the hard beans that you yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah I mean is that word is that where the name came from before it turned into a little the styrofoam pellets? Absolutely. Absolutely Why aren't they called styrofoam bags? That's because maybe they started with they started with being with like my beans my bean bag that I call a bean bag Absolutely, absolutely has no beans in it whatsoever. It's all just

big blocks of foam. Okay, a quick search of why is it called a bean bag. It starts off great, fellas. According to one historian, the first bean bags were said to be invented by the ancient Egyptians They would fill small pouches of leather with dried beans or pebbles. I just really love According to one historian does that make it if you say according to one historian Is this more or less credible that we're pretending that the Egyptians started the beanbag fad? I, yeah. Can you just say anything according to one historian?

It says historian. It doesn't say according to one dude. You know what I mean? So like this carries a little bit of weight. Is that good or bad? As do the beanbags. Yes, if they were original beans. All right. So turtle shell is definitely my final answer. As do the bean bags. Yes, if they were original beans.

All right, so turtle shell is definitely my final answer. Are you going chameleon? I was gonna go chameleon, but I'm gonna be so jealous of... Yeah, we're gonna go turtle shells together and then do the, we're gonna crush you. And honestly, we gotta get Owl in on this because the four, if there's four of us. Oh, we can turtle Come on Mike Mike. No Mike This was a ninja turtle. This was there's four of us. There's four ninja turtles goes to turtle race

We could turn over race. We do need a fourth for that Us could never turtle race until you get a four pack. I hear exactly what you're saying, Jason. You wanted a turtle race. What a dumb thought. Oh boy. All right, we got time for another one out? Nope, time out.

We can't move on. We gotta lay claim to our turtles. Michelangelo. Donnie. No, you're Leonardo. I'm Mike. I'm Raphael. And yeah. And Al's Donatello. That was, that was clear. That's literally my life is thinking I'm Michelangelo, but knowing I'm Leonardo fricking nerd. I'm Mike. I'm eating the most pizza over here. Donatello does the most work. He does machine and Leo pays the bills

And rather got a resting angry. He's got a really bad attitude He's got bad attitude, but he goes out and he gets stuff done You know, why doesn't Michelangelo with all that pizza get a little lumpy is my question cuz he's a I think it's the mutant part Cuz he's a teenager He still has good metabolism. That's it. Once they become the adult Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo's just going to be rolling around.

Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles? Uh-huh. He's not seeing his toes. No, no, he's staying in that shell. All right, Alice from the website. We got time for one more, Al, right? Yeah, we got time. Would you rather have the power to make anyone dance uncontrollably for one minute a day

or have the power to make anyone fall asleep for one minute a day? It's the latter for me. That was quick. It's the latter. Because I feel like I win every situation. Yeah. Right? I mean, it's like. Really? To make them dance uncontrollably?

No, I would. That would be the format. Oh, the format, yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Where are we? It's too early for this show. It's a turtle.

It's a turtle race, guys. It's too early. You ever seen one? I feel like you win everything with either of these. I guess one is very humiliating, right? I guess I was thinking I'm in a bit of a confrontation with somebody. Okay.

So which of these is more- And you can just smoke bomb? Yeah. You're asleep, goodbye, I'm outta here. I just wanna run away from this conversation. Yes. That was your intent? Yeah, just the fact that I'm gonna win that situation.

I can put you to sleep. Yeah, but you would win the situation if you'd make them start dancing, too. They're gonna be what? Crump dancing, the real angry dance. It lasts a minute. So, let's say I'm in a coffee shop, and I don't know why I'm in a coffee shop,

but I'm in some kind of argument with the... Barista?, barista? The barista who has given me the wrong drink. Oh, how dare. Yeah, and do you know how I am with my drink? Yeah, very particular. And so go to sleep. Is a barista a boy and a girl?

Or is it a barista? I wondered the same thing. Is there a barista? When you said barista, I was like, oh, it's a girl, but I don't know if it's a gendered word. I'm on it. I didn't like the mental picture that I was yelling at a woman in this hypothetical situation. I think I'm talking to a barista. A barista bro. Oh, there it is. According to the Google in English, it's gender neutral. Okay. But a barista, the barista bro, the barista bro is a very specific. That one is not gender neutral specific I'm talking to the briefs bro we're really

getting into it because he's up bro you put like three you know put a bunch of caramel I said no caramel and we're fighting and then I hit the dance button yeah he looks dumb but nothing's solved nothing is solved anything solved if he's asleep? I don't know, maybe he gets fired? So here's the problem with the sleep, is that it's very dangerous. I mean, you've gotta have someone, first of all, you gotta, they gotta be at least sitting down, because if you're- Road rage situations would be bad.

I've talked about that of the, if I had superpowers while driving, I would do some things that I regret and it would be too late. And if I could make anyone, I just appoint at someone at one point in the day and make them fall asleep, there would be people careening off of the road.

Oh, you're a Prius? Every day. You're a Prius? Night night. Yeah. Jason has no clue who's in the car, it's just Prius. Doesn't matter, I know you're driving poorly. I know that for a fact. Night night. Yeah, Jason has no clues in the car. Just pre-empt. I know you're driving poorly. I know that for a fact

Night night, but but like let's say you're just out at a grocery store. I'm just living life I have this superpower. I can make anyone whether I know him or not fall asleep for a minute or dance for a minute If I'm walking around the grocery store night night, and then the dude just falls over cracking his skull on the ground. That's not very fun. But if I'm walking through the grocery store dance party and everyone in you know the pineapple section now they're all dancing old pineapples. I guess it's a good time. They're dancing holding fine. Yeah. I'd wait till there's at least in the pineapple section where there are many people They congregate at the old pineapple section packed today. It's everyone's look at their fight Why is dancing with pineapples better than dancing? Oh because it's tropical You know, I thought it was the element of danger

Of how spiky the pineapple is I guess you can do it to anyone, huh? So you could go you could walk through and make everybody dance and you see all the time. It's a flash mob huh? I'm taking the dance. That's gonna be a lot of fun. I feel like I would never use the sleep. What if you use the sleep one on yourself when you need to fall asleep at night? That would be the only practical reason like okay you know my wife be like hey you want to go to bed you can't go to sleep yeah Yeah. Oh, the kids. Because getting them to sleep for a minute, I know it's only a minute,

but it's like the falling asleep part that's hardest. Once they're out, maybe they wake up after a minute. I think they can go back. I feel like with this power, they wake up after a minute. Yeah. They're not groggy? They're groggy. No, you've hit a power nap.

They're ready to go. That's backfire. Take the dance. Something to really think about. What you're hearing is Hardy Fiber Cement Siding living up to its reputation as the siding that handles hail impact with ease. James Hardy knows how important a reputation is, especially when you're a contractor. That's why Hardy's siding withstands severe weather better than vinyl siding with styles to match its strength.

So you can be sure you're providing your clients with the best. Protect your reputation with exterior products by James Hardy. Is this real life? All right. We're diving into real life news stories that each of us have found and would like to share with you and with one another and get our reaction to because, well, weird stuff happens in this world. Mike, what do you got on your Is This Real Life submission for the week?

Mine's just a quick one, but it is a buyer beware situation. There was a man in Argentina and he's at the largest bazaar there. He's shopping and he gets stopped and offered to buy a pair of poodles. And clearly this man's like, I like dogs. Who can say no here to this price for a pair of poodles? This is going to be great. I got my new family dog.

So he picks up the pair, paid about $150 per poodle. And if you know anything about buying a dog, dogs don't cost that much. I don't know, like probably anywhere in the world. So like a good pet owner, takes them into the vet, you know, just to make sure everything is good. Unfortunately, the veterinarian had to inform our friend here that he had purchased ferrets who had been given steroids at birth to increase their size and then were extra groomed to make them look like a fluffy toy poodle.

Oh my gosh. So the guy thought he was buying poodle puppies and he bought two ferrets. Oh my gosh. That is a long con for a small reward. Oh my word. Could you imagine being the veterinarian? Can you take a look at my poodles? Sir, those are ferrets. That's not a conversation they've ever had. Sir I'm gonna need you to sit down. I got some bad news. Oh my goodness. What's wrong with my dogs? Well they're not dogs per se. They're fish. They've been groomed. I mean, but how do they know that they were given steroids to like? Because I guess they were big.

I've never seen. I mean, a regular ferret. It looks a lot like a ferret. Yeah. I that would have been like, do you want to buy two ferrets? I've owned a ferret before. I cannot imagine mistaking it for a puppy. This is an idiot. I do. Those are some stinky puppies. You could not groom a ferret to make me believe it's a dog. What if I told you your dogs right now are actually. What. Cats. There's also a very

nice. This is on Yahoo News is where I found this and then but they're they're real nice because at the end they have uh you know if you're thinking about buying a poodle at an Argentine market that and then there's a hyperlink that says the Daily Mail has a handy guide how to tell whether it's a poacher handy guide I gotta click into this this can never I see a guide Someone made I Got a click into this this can never happen again. Let's produce a guide I don't think you need a guide What am I missing Jason take a look in the chair actually these are sure these are very those are not ferrets

Those are little baby poodles. This is pretty convincing. Oh my god to be to be fair to be fair I'm looking at these and they've groomed them to look like a fluffy little toy poodle. But also, and I know this is bad audio and video if you're on YouTube because we don't have the picture here, but the poodle on the left is a poodle and the one on the right is not a poodle. You couldn't convince me. It's a monster. Apparently, this is a big problem, because there was also a lady in Buenos Aires who bought a chihuahua that ended up being a ferret. That one I can believe.

Chihuahuas look enough like ferrets. Wow. So make sure you check. It's a great thing. It's a ferret. Oh. With steroids. HGH. Yeah. Okay, Jason, you want to go or me? Yeah, no, I'll take it so that this should really be the sandwich. I want to end with

something a little bit better because this is just the worst real life. Michigan woman charged with caring for wildlife without permit. Animals killed by state officials. This is apparently you are not allowed to care for wild animals without a permit. And what goes into caring? they justify that there was this there was this Deer that was kind of raised a captivity or whatever and when they the release into the wild it became a danger and It caused problems. This was just the justification. I don't know how to revolution against the other deer Yeah, what is that deer doing? So this woman owned this farm and it says that the farm was, you know, it was like known in the community as a place to rehabilitate wild animals or refuge goats and chickens and alpacas and what a

nice thing to do. It seems pretty good to care for these wild animals, but here the state stepped in and goes, nope, you don't have a permit, so we've got to take them. We'll earn ya. But wait, they slaughtered all the animals? Well, they couldn't release them into the wild. So their answer was that. Just give the lady a permit.

She's taking care of them all right. We have these animals, now what do we do? No one will take care of these animals. You gonna give us $100 for that permit. You're gonna pay for that permit just just Threatening these animals, but I'm gonna tell you it gets worse. No Yeah, it gets a little bit worse because One of the animals sassy was a half blind raccoon with Down syndrome Monsters why is this happening. This is like when you can't they

just help. Is this real life. Yeah. Is this real life. Unfortunately yes. Well I guess that's depressing. Yeah. Take it up a notch. All right. Well I don't know. Mine is about death so. Here we go. Listen this was interesting to me when I found it Its title is sustainable till death do us part and 45 days beyond it is about a new business Not one I thought to create That is building mushroom coffins Hmm mushroom. What the coffins are built out of mushrooms the mushroom this is for the new sustainable future Oh people want to renovate the way that people are buried and so a Dutch inventor

Figured out a way to grow coffins out of mushrooms that actually when you look at them They look like sarcophaguses or sarcophagi sir yes and so they are made to basically you go in them and you survive you don't survive you're dead and then in 45 days they disintegrate beneath the earth and then serve as fertilizer to help New burial so then your body will start decomposing as well Yes And they are also getting into sounds like a good idea to me they sell shirts that are called I am compost t-shirts and then they that way you get buried in that would be that would be it doesn't say I The coffin and all I got was this T-shirt.

But then the T-shirt doesn't decompose, right? The T-shirts are sold separately. Oh, okay. To support the mushroom coffins. Those are also made out of mushrooms. Cause I don't really know why we got away from sarcophagi. Like I'd prefer to be buried in a sarcophagi. I don't know what that is.

That's where the Egyptian... The mummies, they're inside of sarcophagus. Oh, it's just like a human shaped coffin. Yeah, so pharaohs would be buried in them inside the pyramids. And then for cremation, they have an urn that they grow and it can be buried with a sapling sticking out of it. So the urn is made of mushrooms.

The ashes go in the urn, and there's a sap, like you plant the urn and it's got a sapling at the top. You are the tree. Oh man. What kind of tree would you potentially, like what kind of fruit would you produce? Bananas. Okay, okay.

That'd be a banana tree. Is that because you've consumed so many banana desserts? It's because I yes, and I love bananas and I want to believe that bananas grow on a tree. It's a thousand dollars for your own mushroom sarcophagus You know, are you into this? I mean, is this something that you'd be You'd be excited about Mike if I want. Oh, or do you want to be double like, Mike? If I want, oh. Or do you want to be double, like, you know, do you want to be put into an actual coffin?

No. Are you a cremation? Yes, I am. Station? Yeah, that's what this call, they're like, choo choo, aboard the cremation station. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, I mean, when I'm gone look you have that I won't be there I have that written up somewhere. Uh, I don't know if it's written down, but I've expressed it to it's now

You don't write it down. You could end up a banana tree. I'm documented here. Oh Let this all this is my legal serves as legal to be fair. What's your full name? The banana tree comes out of being cremated So he might want both be cremated and then be put in are you are you and you cremation station no no I don't know it was fully preserved like in a glass case exactly you see right like an acrylic box you see me please bury it above ground where you can see very it on a platform hey but so you're a burial guy? Yep. Is this because you want to headstone people to congregate around it? What about the mausoleum? I don't want to be burnt up.

Yeah and the mausoleum is a good idea. Are you cremation station now? I am yeah. Yeah. Harvest my organs and burn my body. Yeah you know that your body will if it's not burned it's just gonna break down. But the organs are the best part. I'll be surrounded by mushrooms. For the tree. the organs are the best part of my mushrooms for the tree Oh The tree that's a bummer for the tree, but it's a good news for people that need organs. All right, let's let's draft The spitballers draft all right today Jason has the very first pick in the draft and we are we are selecting Self-serving

punishments for your children. We are all fathers to three children and look we've been through it all. I'm sure every kind of punishment under the sun. Look the timeout punishment doesn't do a lot for me, right? They're just sitting in the corner. That doesn't really help. So if you were drafting punishments that maybe they help a little bit. Maybe they do you some favors. What are you taking number one? Yeah, I don't think there's a great draft to have the number one pick but when I look at my list a lot of times I'm gonna order this by What would I like to do?

the least and This might be something I know that there are least. And this might be something I know that there are psychotic people that actually enjoy this. But to me, and because of where we live, the number one thing, we're in Arizona. Yeah, okay. Yep. It gets 115 degrees outside where you melt. I ain't doing yard work in the summer. I ain't going out there to pick up the dog poop and all the dogs tore up a garbage bag all across the yard.

Why don't you go walk around 115 degree heat? I didn't do anything wrong, but your grades were bad. Your grades were bad. Get outside and sweat it off. You're gonna die. So I'm doing yard work in the summer. Okay. Yard work is, that's gotta be near the top of the list

I mean you get some things done that would be on your list Yeah, and somebody else does them which is why I'm going to I'm gonna go with what I think is the singular worst household chore And the one you need to do a lot, especially if you have a bigger family. Oh, I know. Yeah, it's the worst You're doing the laundry boy for sure Oh, you're gonna wash them. You're gonna dry them. You're gonna fold them You say really the folding like the actual laundry is not too bad I agree just dumping it into a giant machine and pushing a button, but it's not the folding. It's not putting it away Yeah, it's not super fun for me

Maybe it's my height, but I don't love taking it out of the dryer either When it's you know sure yeah, we're actually moving it from the washer to the dryer is not super fun on my list I had putting away laundry. Yeah, that's really the issue. I'll I'll wash it. I'll dry it, but then it's like oh That part was so easy. No, I've been so bad. You're doing it for everyone everyone in the house do all the laundry. That's my Important punishment for my child. All right. So I have two picks here. I'll start with a more regular one of, look, the dogs get dirty and they get smelly. And we have two burnadoodles, so it's not as easy as you just...

Or do you have ferrets? I might. I need to go to the vet and make sure that everything's on the up and up. But washing these majestic creatures with their long hair... And the smell. It's not just... You don't just shampoo them and dry them and you're done. You shampoo them.

You gotta brush out every inch of their hair. Are you doing a lot of dog baths in your house? No, because now my children are gonna be doing them for a punishment, I'm gonna teach them some patience. I can't stand wet dog smell. Oh, it's because it's terrible. It's like, and it lasts for a while. You're like, you know when the dog has got a bath.

All right, so they're giving the dogs a bath. Yes. Have you, I am curious, have you assigned that task to them before? I have assigned that task to the professionals because... Yeah, that's the issue with doing the kids punishment. On this list, I'm like not sure it's going to get done well. You know, it's like you're doing the laundry, you're putting it away, you're doing the problem. You're putting it away You're doing it for everybody. Not just yourself. You're gonna put everyone's clothes away They don't know where everyone's clothes go It's gonna be the wrong one

This one's gonna be in the wrong closet and everything is gonna get lost and or they're just gonna hide it Doing it poorly was one of my strategies as a child when I was it's that's a universal strategy Yeah. All right. So giving the dogs a bath is your first pick. What's your second pick? My second one is, look, love my parents very, very much, but I'm not much of a conversationalist unless I have something very specific to talk about. And it's, look, you're going to call grandma,

and you're going to check in in on her See how her day was Chat with grandma. Yep, make sure everything's okay over there. Tell her about your day Feel special today now that's funny cuz that's not obviously on my list and I know that is a Mike special Oh, that is perfect. And I like that you're teaching them that this is a punishment like Part of the part of the problem with making a kid do something anything as a punishment is now you have associated Like go clean your room. Okay. Well apparently cleaning my room is only to be done when I am in trouble And I am being punished instead of like this is so it

is a little bit backwards working this way but yeah so calling grandma it's a punishment. All right so is it back to me? It is indeed. They're doing the laundry and well they're gonna do something else because they I'm gonna train them in the way that they should go as a bathroom specialist. They are gonna be cleaning the bathrooms and that is the punishment. They're going to learn the value of hard work, scrubbing toilets on their knees, work I don't want to do, work I don't want to smell. The dirty work.

Now, I do agree with this, but one of the things is like cleaning the bathroom is when it comes to having to actually do chores, bathroom cleaning, once you are over the, like, the eww I have to clean the toilet, it is, like, the easiest job. I mean, it's like, go vacuum the house. That's going to take, I mean, depending on the size of your house, but that's like a 20, 30-minute job. I guess vacuums are lighter now.

It's the only one that involves poop, though. Right. But like that's like a 20 to 30 minute job Poop though, right but but but cleaning a bathroom you can get that thing done like 10 minutes So long as you're not doing like the shower in the top. Yeah, cuz that'll take a long time, but it's also they're doing everything It's also gratifying because there are things that are very dirty that pretty easily become clean, right? You know what you see when you's the porcelain factor. Porcelain, you know, you clean it. Yeah, I'm just talking like you clean mirrors. That's like always, I don't know. That feels good.

Or washing windows. Like, oh, I didn't realize how dirty this was. I didn't realize how clean I could make it. And that was super easy. I just wiped it. That's all I did. I sprayed some on it and wiped it. Why don't we do this more often?

Alright Jason, you have two picks now. You selected yard work for the first one. Yeah, I ain't going out there in that heat. I don't do heat. But I'm starting to worry here about associating punishment with chores. Good for you. I'm a super dad. So instead I want to make sure that this is something that I don't want to do, that's taken care of, probably even better than I would do. Interesting. And it's not going to really be associated too much because it's a rare thing.

But specifically, I'm going to be looking for what my kid did wrong when I get home from Ikea. I'm going to be searching their homework and their texts. Oh, you're going to go find it. I'm going to find what they did wrong. Oh my goodness. You're building that desk. That's your punishment. And then I will go kick my feet up and I will good pit yeah furniture assembly now that is no IKEA but that is also to be fair in area where now you said they might do it better not than you but then me yes if I build that desk is coming down I thought you might I was gonna say I thought maybe after they got done you wouldn't sit down and it's all crashing

I don't think I've ever built something from IKEA where I've had to revert three pages at some point That you haven't had to do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're like and that drawers inside I follow every step why is it always wrong and I And Ikea's like, well, if you look clearly, the tiny little top edge here is marked with the slashes to let you know that that's apparently the unfinished side or something. My favorite is getting towards the end of a project and realizing I used the wrong screw length

for the earlier part of the project. And then I'm like, what am I supposed to do now? You gotta undo we have a a desk. It's a sewing station Desk that if you open the door to it, you can clearly see on the inside that one of those things is Super wrong and upside down. It's like the inside out drawer and I was too far along by the time I got that I'm like no no I'm not going back this is how it is now and that that exists all right your second pick here all right my second pick is just real life it is self-serving it is I am happy and sad to admit that this is the most frequent way that one of my children gets out of their grounding.

Once we get towards the end, they can. This is the good behavior? This is the good behavior. They can finish the grounding officially five minutes each foot. Put that timer on baby! Oh I think you've done a great job this week and I think you're ready to be ungrounded in about ten minutes.

That is beautiful. This is not hypothetical. This is not a joke for a show. This is gotta be 20 times that this oh my you've got parents. Now what is the sound that they make when they realize that this offer has been made. They're excited now. They know. They know. And you know it's like I would take a back rub or whatever but they suck at that. They're really good with feet so have at it. Wow. Okay. We have Alexa set a five minute timer our you know a funny thing about like kids not understanding yet truly what is the

value of money what should what is a lot of money what is a small amount what should should this cost that much and when we take trips like we're we're Disney people and if you've ever spent a day at Disneyland I mean you're on your feet for 12 hours very little sitting by the end of the day you've walked miles and miles and miles. Then ferrets are barking. Exactly. Oh man.

What sound does a ferret make? What would you call that for the onomatopoeia? I had one but I don't even remember. Is it more like a meow or a squeak? Squeak. Is it a merp? Ooh. I don't know.

Anyways, so at the end, and the kids are so hungry to buy things at Disneyland that they like get into a competition of I will rub your feet I will but then they start bidding against each other like bidding down yeah yeah I got to over a dollar yeah they start undercutting each other so by the end of it I get like a 10-minute foot massage for like a dollar oh nice they're so stoked yeah got a dollar I'm like yeah you only need like 30 more of those and then maybe you could buy a churro Alright I have laundry and cleaning the bathrooms and I'm gonna go with It's just one that I if I could have it happen all the time I

Would but it's work and you got it, you know, they're they're almost built at a size children that it's kind of easier for them to even do this and it's detail in my car Their fault anyways, yeah I open the back seat of my car door sometimes and I am like what happened? Did you just? murder pop tarts? Yeah, like the box of Ritz crackers. You ate them like dogs. Ferrets.

Yeah, sorry, you ate them like ferrets? I mean, it's, I had my car detailed the day before I was taking a group out to dinner. So I go to get in this car, proud of how it looks the next night. And when I opened my back door, it's so embarrassing. It's like, what did you do? You had 24 hours and you destroyed my car. They can fit in a little, they can climb all over it and clean everything. I'm so upset, Andy. I wanted them to detail my car.

Yeah, sorry. Mike, your final two picks. Alright, so the final two picks. Things that are obnoxious but do need to get done. Now obviously the kid has to be a little bit older, or do they? I mean it's really up to them. But look, I need you to go gas up the car. Oh, okay. Or do they? Or do they? I'm just saying, if I'm not in the car and they took the car and I get a phone call that says

your son is driving. What? He stole my car? But look, when you get in the car and and it's on E it's just the worst feeling in the car and it's on E, is just the worst feeling in the world because it's always when you're running late

and you need to get somewhere and you did not budget the five minutes or whatever extra you need to go to the gas station and I just, I don't wanna do it. So, fair enough. So look, you got your. Gassing up the car. You got your driver's license, congratulations. You get to go gas up the car now.

I feel like that punishment has the potential to really get them too. Like if they've done something wrong, and let's say you're three quarters of a tank, and you can still tell them to do it. Of course. I'd like a full tank. But dad, you have three quarters of a tank.

Full. I said full. You still have to make the same drive. And it's on your dime. Ooh. You go fill this thing up. Free gas. All right, Mike, one more.

And OK, so then for my last one, look, I don't know how this came. I was just trying to think of things that are a nuisance. And look, everyone should perform their civic duty. Like vote. Oh my gosh. Vote. Make sure you, but you got the problem with voting.

You have to be educated on what you are voting on. And every two years or so, you get that giant pamphlet in the mail, and it's all the propositions. And I'm like, I don't got time to read up on this. What, you want the TLDR from your eight-year-old? Yes, I do. Yes, I do What are we voting on? Wow, I think the only the only funny thing about that is that the edge of a Kate me the kids gonna give you all the proposition votes

To to get the new playgrounds built at the local park and the so be it I'm gonna be impressed if if they understand I'll read those propositions be like I'm pretty sure I'm I am a hundred I just read this three times and I am confident that I'm not sure which way I vote on this means Am I approving it or not? They use language. It's like Triple negative and I'm like I I'm not not not going to build a new part I know what I want to have happen with this prop. I just don't know which vote is that. Well look, hey build yourself a better world kid. It's on you. Yeah. Um you've made me want to now input those into chat GPT. I think that could be a

real... Please summarize this for me. Alright this last one I want to have a little fun with it. I don't want to go with the traditional thing. I want to look at something that might... it might entertain me as they're punished. It might be just a little bit funny. I have doing the laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, and detailing my car. But now I would like you to be my new personal Alexa device as a child. I want to ask anything of you. And you have to give me what's the score of the game what's the latest news today what's the weather and I think I'd be entertained

by watching them run around trying to figure this information out and be my little personal Harold how long of a timeline you give them do you say we for one hour is this like this week or I think it's a day okay I think it's a you're my personal Harold for a day you're my electronic assistant for a day nice and they've got to figure it out and then they come back and report and I think it's a, you're my personal Harold for a day. You're my electronic assistant for a day. Nice. And they've gotta figure it out and then they come back and report

and they have to do it in a voice that sounds a little bit like a computer. I would like to believe that as soon as you ask them that question. They just ask. They just turn around and repeat that question. Will not be allowed. Ah, okay.

They have to at least Google. No, you have to Encyclopedia. Oh! You gotta go through the books. Okay, so you're getting some old data. Yeah, I'm getting a little. What's the score? Are they still updating those? That's what I was gonna ask. Oh, you got to go through the books. Okay, so you're getting some old data. Yeah What's the score? That's what I was gonna ask. Are they still selling updated encyclopedias? only the libraries

Are libraries even buying those our libraries big encyclopedia? I mean people used to sell Encyclopedias door-to-door right and I mean encyclopedia has gone down clearly the profit margins on is door to door. Right. And I mean, encyclopedia has gone down. Clearly the profit margins on encyclopedias were very good, but like those can't exist anymore. Right. Except it laid. No, it would be more like a boutique. I'm a, I'm a bougie fella. So I gotta have my information from a hard bound book. All right, Jason, close this out on this draft. One final pick. All right. I really wanted cleaning out my car. That was going to make me love my list. Instead, I'm going to take another one that is specific to my situation because most of my

list is right. Yard work in the summer might be nice if you're in the bunions cold weather. Well, that was foot massage. So I mean, you know, I am going to use them as stair mules. They all will be running all of the things upstairs I thought you were making them carry you up the stairs yes I thought he was using them as physical stairs to get to higher shelves yeah no I am just basically stairs are the worst there are the runners if you have a home with stairs you know that over time you accumulate?

Piles of things near the stairs back on by the stack or over on the corner or whatever You got a million things that you just have not wanted to take upstairs and downstairs and walk upstairs downstairs. Not yet But what did you do? You know what you're doing now? You are taking all of this stuff up and down. That's going to be 20 trips. I like the definition stair mule. That is very funny because it also makes me think you have strapped a lot of that to them and they're now hauling it up the stairs. They got a backpack. They got saddlebags. Yeah. And they got me on their back. All right. Let's go. That is the end of our self-serving punishments for children drafts. Couple things I did not take that I thought about the dog poop in the backyard.

Personal chef, but I don't know how that's going to end up. I'd make dinner on there. Those were on the list. Mopping and doing the floors was on the list. Grocery store. Testing out expired food I thought was it. Especially Morbid one. Yeah, that's yeah drink that milk is that still good no you got still good you cannot smell it so good just try it all right what else do you guys have I had a another for the older kid an airport pickup yeah you you're really looking forward to when they have their license yeah get out of here nice Jason I've got party preparation we're always putting on parties like you decorate, you clean, doing dishes and organizing the garage, which again is

just because it gets too hot. Makes sense. Makes sense. What did we learn today? I learned that you need a fourth for a great turtle race. Thanks, you took mine. That's why I wanted to go first. I learned that I'm lumpy. Oh. And that is a tough lesson. We're all lumpy. We're all lumpy. To learn.

Together. I learned that a Barrett can look sort of like a dog. Thanks for tuning in, supporting the show. We'll be back with another episode very soon. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, episode very soon. Goodbye.