Spitballers Comedy Podcast - We Are Google & Excuses To Not Do Your Chores - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

Spit Hit for Oct 31st, 2024: On today’s show we learn about Jason’s lack of enthusiasm for the Grand Canyon and Brooks’ fear of hot air balloons. We also shed a ton of light on the difference between snot, mucous, and boogers. We shut it down with a draft of excuses to get out of doing your chores. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. A chap-a-dee-chop-chop-a-swing-a-ling-a-ding-ding! Always good when you break towards the end of your own scat. Because you're entertained by yourself. When you're hitting the scat. It was fine if you just finished it without the break. It was still fine with the break.

But I'm saying, walking the spit was through whoever you it's a complicated process. No one out there. Look, we sit in the ivory tower. You have no idea what the pressure is like to hit a scat for multi award winning the spit ball podcast. And this is how the show starts. So you are they say go.

You're like, Oh crap, I don't have anything ready for this. And then you start and you're trying to make sounds or words come out of your mouth. And at the same exact time, think of the next words and react to your own words and then realize how stupid what you're doing is right now. I mean, it's, it's tough. It's spectacular. Yeah. Excellent job. Job well done. Would you rather? What's the difference? And we are drafting the best excuses for not doing

your chores to not do your chores. So, you know, the kids out there. Yeah, we've got you. We're gonna help you get out. Get out of the uh also my kids. Click the next go to the next. Oh, I mean, my list is coming straight from my kids. Yeah, they're teaching you. They've already taught you. This is the 224th episode of the Spitballers Podcast. Andy, Mike and Jason with you. Al Borland is here.

And the judge. They're not in the ivory tower over there. They're in Deucer's Alley. Well, because they've never experienced. Well, I guess, Owl has what, two? to when's the last time owl did a scat? Oh It's been a while. I think we did it when Episode 200 wasn't it? No, there's a formula for it. It was like 86 Episodes like that. I gotta be getting closer overdo. Yeah, I think we're overdue as well

Check the check the formula run the numbers. Yep. I'll check it out. Yeah, I'm sure you need to see that formula It's gonna do really good math over there. I'm sure over do sounds good to me. Thank you Mike I think we can just decide Let's go ahead and let's get into it Would you rather? All right, Sarah from Patreon. Would you rather be blind in one eye or deaf in one ear? Hmm.

Wow. I've never really... So you lose all depth perception. Obviously, you need the two eyes to have true depth perception. But I guess, you know, if I close an eye, like, I still... I feel like I can... Your brain still sort of has it, but I wonder how long would you keep it? Is there like an auditory equivalent to losing your depth perception if you don't have both

ears? Yeah, you can't hear in stereo Oh, it's your left perception is what you'd be losing because you don't have to I hate the fact that I think there's a clear hierarchy of senses right like You know not all your senses are equivalent. No, no, they're not. Like, you know, what are the senses, Jason? You know this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Obviously there's a touch, taste, smell, sight. Um, those are some of them. And, uh, that's four of how

many six. Oh, okay. We're counting the sixth. Yeah, well, my sixth is time travel. Oh, it's not dead people? What am I missing here? The thing that you were talking about. Yeah, we were just talking about that. Yeah, but clearly there are ones we would give up well ahead of other ones. Yeah, taste and smell are not, I mean, they're awesomely important. All of them are important, but they are a tier below sight and sound. But hearing, I don't want to diminish that side of it. I imagine I'm going to take,

I want to see out of both eyes and I'm going to take half the hearing. But that is, it is very detrimental. And I have some family that struggles hearing, wears hearing aids. And it's tough because you get put into positions where, like you would be surprised how much pretending you're listening to somebody you have to do or lip reading if you're hard of hearing because you know you're in these social conversations and everybody has this default level that they say I'm speaking at this level and you hear me and you can't have this confrontation at the beginning of every conversation and say, just so you know, I can't hear well. Yeah. I mean, I've got a close friend that has basically no hearing in one ear.

Now, he has a hearing aid that he can wear. It's so small, you can't tell when he's got it. In that ear he wears it? Yeah, in that single ear. He wears it in the other ear, so it's super powered. Well, I wondered if it was completely gone in one ear. You would do that, so you have a super powered ear. Wait, that is an interesting question. Is that something people do? No, I don in one ear you would do that. So you have a super powered ear and so that's wait

That is an interesting question. Is that something people do? I know I don't know I would do that though I think I had half my ears, but it would just blow out the eardrum There's a maximum volume that you could put in that I hadn't thought about So anyways, but now I know I have no good about a 10% boost anyway Yeah, you could you could you could crank it up a bit. Yeah, without blowing out the jam. But when you have this friend when he does not have the hearing aid, literally, I mean, he can't hear you if you're on one side of him. So I think it's actually I lean towards having

one eye my right eye right now has is much, much worse than my left. And for a period of several years, I had like a film over my right eye. Which one? My right. Breithart? Yeah, no, that's... A film. Andy was with me.

It's a film. Okay. Jason, it's just a stupid podcast where we make... Come on, man. Roll with the punches. I just didn't understand. I mean, the joke's been so bad. Actually, Mike, no. it was a thin layer of mucosa. So, and you know, I kind of got used to... The film?

I got used to Braveheart. Because you're watching the same movie over and over again. I could tell you every word of that movie front and back. So I lean that I think if you had one eye, you would adjust to, you know, the loss of true depth perception. And I believe you'd be pretty much living the same life. Whereas I think that you will be impacted more by not being able to hear half of your world. If you can't

see out of one eye, do you think of yourself as a Cyclops? I would. I would definitely call myself a Cyclops and I would make others call me that. Cuz I'm sitting here and I'm covering my right eye while we do the podcast cuz I was thinking my right eye is covered. I might not see Jason but it's not really a big deal. No, it's. I'm looking at this. I'm like, I'm like kinda, you know. You lose a little bit of peripheral vision. You lose, you know, it's looking at this. I'm like I'm like kind of you know you lose a little bit of peripheral vision you lose

You know it's obviously not better if I won, but bug flies into your eye. No, that's a problem You don't have any backup mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, they'll back up by That's what I always think of my right eye is my back up. I imagine it would yeah, I disagree with you completely good Um I think it would devastate you if you're playing sports or you're playing, like you like to play pickleball. Goodbye depth perception, good luck in pickleball. That's gonna be a problem. I used to play pickleball without glasses.

I couldn't see anything. You can make it work. Yeah, I mean, if that's one way to describe your play, that's fine. I did look because I was curious. According to Healthline.com anyways, which was the first search result And that's as far as I will go. Yes on the Google machine. We dive deep people So essentially if you are blind and what I you you can legally drive in all 50 states, okay and

In the district of Colombia. Thank you. I was like you Mike Mike Mike about DC. Yeah. Nope. We're good there. Okay covered over there I want Mike. I want both eyes. I'll figure that I'll figure out the whole blowing out my eardrum with a Booster over there. I'm gonna go to us. I'm gonna go a monocular vision. Okay Cyclops and Mike I'll go oh man. I guess I'm keeping both my eyes really I thought the music man would the audio guy who cares so much about the quality of but here's now Here's the thing like you know how like you see the guys who were like super Just muscular and jacked there at the gym like they're doing pull-ups And you're like wow pull-ups are really hard, but then they're doing it with all the weights. That's like me with two ears

Okay, so you're saying you'll be just fine with one. You want the challenge. No, I don't want the challenge. Let me tell you this. But if the challenge were to step to my door, everything would be fine. Is there scientific evidence of the kind of perception that your senses improve if you lose one of them? I think there is, yes.

So like- I would go with yes, but I don't know for sure. I mean the first Google results, all you wanna check on that. I do know for sure that that is true. And I, based on. Nothing? Nothing.

I'm just saying maybe your right ear would gain like acumen, the ability to hear because you lose one, so you're gonna have me more sensitive to hearing. No, it's the other senses, they make up for it. So now you can see better if you lose one ear. Oh, I can smell what's going on to the left of me? Exactly, yeah, exactly. According to Washington.edu.

Oh boy, oh boy. So people who are- It's the.edu, that's pretty good. Yeah, I mean research has shown- It's not a.gov, but. Do you want a.edu.gov? No, go on. Research has shown that people who are born blind

or become blind early in life often have a more nuanced sense of hearing. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm opening this can up right here right now. If that's true, and the science proves it thanks to Washington.edu or whatever. Yes, of course. Wherever you are at.

Does that mean that we as parents should be eye patching and covering the ears of our children to hone their senses and then you give them you know super senses. Well the problem is when you just want like one really strong eye if you're going ears and one eye. Okay so full blindfold for a week to make their hearing better, cover their ears for a week to make their sense of smell better. The way that I understand that it works is your brain is actually like essentially

giving more real estate to what's lost. So if you then gain back your sight, you lose your hair. I didn't want the real answer. I wanted the superhero type of like riffing. Then don't come to the Spitballers podcast where we know everything and we give much learning. All right, Matthew from Twitter. would you rather be stuck in a

mall for 24 hours with 15 swarms of a hundred wasps? I know Mike's answer. I like how we have to say how big the swarms are because we wouldn't understand it. Stuck in a mall for 24 hours with 15 swarms of a hundred wasps two bangled tigers, or 100,000 scattered mosquitoes. I mean, I'm not picking tigers. No, that's out. But no, tigers is the easiest one to avoid. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

You can't get away from them tigers. Okay, we need some ground rules then like is every store closed Are the are the the egg like the fire exits where the back hall you're gonna barricade yourself or just go through a door Because these are not velociraptors. They cannot come in. I didn't think about the door the stores are closed But the concourse is open top and bottom okay okay so this is this is actually funny I I missed the part that we were in a mall for 24 hours at the beginning of the class I know but I thought we were stuck in a room I thought we were in a room with the Tigers are out yeah if you're in a room then the

Tigers are out they're gonna get a tiger gauge yeah I mean honestly it's it's got it's gotta be the Tigers because of that whole door thing I mean the fact that you can say excuse me you can't do that now you didn't hear me rephrase it the door all the stores are closed you're in the concourse oh okay so you can you can try to like obviously the escalator I don't know if that's an issue for a big cat probably not nope you maybe you could get in the elevator But I I'm gonna I want to be there with the hundred thousand scattered mosquitoes Because I'm just gonna put some extra clothes on no you know they will find you Through the clothes. Oh, they will find your face really mosquitoes

Just unstoppable yeah, and they think they I think that they can go through walls. Can they open doors? As a group? They don't need to. They don't go under the door crack. They teleport. They will find your carbon dioxide and they will come and they will bite you. I don't know how mosquitoes can go underneath covers and comforters, but I know they can because I wake up with ankle bites that for sure were not there. Yeah. Bugs. So listen, bed bugs. Yeah. Those were spider bites. Listen, I hate to tell you that spider bites aren't itchy. I've been informed. I can't, I can't get any other clothes from the stores.

The stores are closed. So I'm starting over You don't want malaria. The wasps are up. I mean, that's too many wasps Well, not only that but all of these can kill you in certain different ways The mosquitoes can kill you long mosquitoes playing that long game. You're going malaria Kill like more how many times you have to go malaria on me. Yeah, I'm going malaria. Mosquitoes kill more people. How many times do you have to go malaria on me? The only one of the most deadly viruses in the entire world. They can treat me for it after the mall trip. Can they? Yeah. I guess it's only 24 hours. Yeah, malaria is treatable. All I know is not just malaria, but mosquito-borne diseases kill 725,000 people a year. That's way more than tigers. And those, right, tigers

is probably like five. Those people did not have to deal with 100,000 mosquitoes. Yeah, they did. At a what? Not trapped inside of a mall. Yeah. Yeah, but like in the world, just in the earth. I mean, just maybe millions. This malls. It's a two story mall, right? I can't get away from the Bengal Tigers if the stores aren't open. I can't. What's the worst way to go? The tiger let's say you go all three ways the wasps. I think it might be the tiger. Because a tiger is a pro killer. It's gonna go for your neck. And it's gonna be quicker than you think. It's gonna be horror your neck and it's gonna be quicker than you think it's gonna be horror could not be

Well, sure it could use me as a true toy I'm saying but what the That bad it's that by a thousand cuts the the wasps the wasps would be painful. It would be a nightmare I mean they might go in your mouth You could have said one swarm of a hundred wasps not 15 of them, and that would have been too many wasps. I mean you could have said one wasp and that might have been too many. You could have also just said 1500 wasps is another way to say 15 swarms of 100 wasps.

I would have been, well we teach, we're mathematics. But they're individualized, like there's just 15 groups throughout. Oh they're separate, they're not one swarm. No, because there's 15 swarms, we clarify. They're they're separate? They're not one swarm. No, because there's 15 swarms. We clarify. They're competing for you. They're like rival gangs. They've got their territory.

They're going to be coming at you snapping. Here comes group number four. Man. I mean, in paging the scientists here. Oh, no. What's the deal with wasps? Well I don't like that they don't- What do they do? I don't like that they don't... What do they do?

I don't like that they don't sacrifice themselves on a sting. No! That's something that I think, you know, God got right with the bee. The honeybee wants to sting you, and he pays the ultimate price. Because there's a cost, right? It's like, I'm going to protect the hive at my own expense. I give butt. Yeah, kamikaze bee.

But then the wasps come out. Check this out bees. They're just like watch this. Watch this. Still alive. Still alive. So I guess the wasps are like, they're out there taking care of other pests. So Al is saying yeah wasps provide us with free eco-friendly natural pest control services. What pests are the wasps are the pests? Are the the old lady who swallowed the flies? Situation they take care of so many flies for us. Welcome to cockroach pest services run by the cockroaches What do they know that wasn't my answer you asked the scientists was that I was just passing it along was that the top Google?

It was the wasps are out for me. I'm between the the two Bengal tigers and the mosquitoes because I do think the mosquitoes if we're only in this mall for 24 hours, I'm going to get diseases. I know that my own shirt. I'm going to do that thing as a kid where you pull the shirt over your knees and you suck your arms in and put your head in. 100,000 but a hundred thousand in the mall not a hundred thousand are going to all find and eat you. How fast are mosquitoes? They will find you. They have to be are they faster than a Bengal Tiger? Now here's one other thing. No, you can you can trying, you could kill, you know how many mosquitoes I can kill here?

Oh, the average flight speed of a mosquito is one to one and a half miles an hour. I mean, I will kill. That's slow. I can run. I will kill thousands of mosquitoes and I'm going to give back. I I'm taking the mosquitoes. Final answer. Could you run?

You know how many tigers I can kill? None. If you run sprints to one end of the mall, go down the escalator, run sprints to the other side, the mosquitoes will never catch you. For 24 hours? That's what I was going to ask. Can you do it for that long? Can you do sprints for 24 hours? How fast is a human walk?

Let me drop that to one hour. Um, no. If a Bengal tiger was chasing me, yes. One hour at least. There's a point where you just you know fast run out of gas Average walking speeds are two and a half to four miles an hour I'm just walking back and forth by your walking into other mosquitoes. Yeah, oh cuz they're separate rival gangs There's a hundred thousand of them. They will find you stupid question, but I'm still I'm still taking out so many I mean, I'm that just enrages them more. Oh

Give me a break enraged mosquitoes. They're definitely out and the Tigers are out so I'm going mosquitoes Yeah, Chloe from the website. Would you rather take a hot-air balloon ride over the Serengeti? Remind me what that Serengeti is what I think is a desert me what that Serengeti is. What is it? I think it's a desert. But that's also sounds like the Sahara desert. What is the Serengeti? The Serengeti is like the plains of Africa. Yes. Okay. So like a desert. I mean, no, not really. No, it's not? No, that would be the desert of Africa. Yeah. I mean, there's like the watering holes. I mean, maybe it's a desert. I don't know. It's the plains right like where the Lion King is Yeah, that's in the Serengeti. Well, everything's might be a desert

Let me tell you what the first Google results is the Serengeti is a semi desert Land that is predominantly. Oh, well, well semi desert. It's a Desert. Yeah, that's why it's the Serengeti. It's semi deserted.deserted. Like, there's not a lot of people there. Is that a Savannah? Let me finish the question. All right. Hot air balloon ride over the Serengeti or a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon? So this is a positive question. This is like, which do you prefer?

And we've already gotten word from the judge who is on microphone, I think. Yeah. You've got a fear of hot air balloons. I can't believe that's a thing still to be honest. Why is that. I don't know. Isn't that terrifying to go up in that thing. I see like 12 of them out in the morning out here. No they do all the time. Yeah. You just think that that's is it the lack of like an engine. Yeah. There's that. You're just right. It's powered by science. I mean, like, it's, but hold on.

You're probably safer in a high air, I mean, you are safer in a high air balloon than a helicopter. Nah, I'm not, I don't buy it. I control my own destiny in the helicopter. Keep me away from those death machines, those hot balloons. I mean, if I'm in a helicopter, which I've never done, I'm putting my odds of vomiting at 85%. I think you're going to say like 800% eight

times. No, I think there's a small percentage chance that maybe I don't. This to me is not about the form of travel. I'm fine. This is not form of travel. I don't care which way the travel is. You're going beauty. If you told me helicopter over the Serengeti versus hot air balloon over the Grand Canyon, I'm taking the Serengeti in both. I think it would be maybe, maybe we're a little bit jaded. We're out here in Arizona. We got the Grand Canyon and it's beautiful, but there are not lions to my knowledge in the Grand Canyon or giraffes or rhinoceroses or anything.

Rhinoceri. Rhinoceri. Rhinoceri. What is the plan? First Google result. Let me tell you. Is it just rhinoceros? I'm going to tell you. The idea of like moose floating over the Serengeti.

Now in Brooks's Hot Air Balloon, it obviously goes down and you're eaten by lions. But in mine, it's a pretty nice trip. Yeah. Just wait till the rhinos are shooting at you. Plus, they do play music over the Serengeti, right? Like the Lion King soundtrack? I mean it will be awesome. Okay, so this is incredible on the plural of rhinoceros. Okay. The plural... It's rhinoceros. It is either rhinoceros or rhinoceroses. Yeah. It's like moose or mooses.

No, both are plural. No, mooses is not allowed. Yeah, mooses is out. But this says rhinoceros or rhinoceroses. And if you've never said rhinoceroses before, try it out because it feels super weird. Right now just say it with me rhinoceroses. That's more like fish or

fishes. Both of those are fine. But fishes works because when you're talking about multiple species of fish or if you're swimming with them Yes, yes, if I get the end of your days, but I've anybody taking the Grand Canyon here I'm not taking the Grand Canyon. I think it's extremely overrated. Why yeah, it's not overrated It's not overrated. Yeah, no, you're a team big hole. I I think it is beautiful. When's the last time you've been? Two years ago. That's pretty recent. Yeah

And were you looking at the Grand Canyon or did you go drive somewhere else? No, it's like a big big kid You know, we went up to the Grand Canyon and you go out and it looks almost like a Photoshop thing is really crazy It's like oh, this is pretty cool. Yeah, okay. This is Mr. No. Now I'm done. Hold on, hold on. Now I'm done.

There's no Mr. No museums. I forgot, he can't appreciate standing somewhere for more than a couple minutes. I totally appreciate. Where's my 3D glasses? I totally appreciate awesome things. Like, you know. Lose a show start. The Grand Canyon is overrated because people come from all over the planet.

They travel to- Because it is a wonder of the world. Yes, it's an extremely big hole. But the beauty of Hawaii with lushness and oceans oceans coming in and volcano that is so much cooler the the and it's cooler But it's not more unique because you can get that all over the world There's a lot of beers one big hole and we got it. I feel like my Sedona is Arizona's new slogan. We got the big hole we do we did it Is Arizona's new slogan we got the big hole we do we did it

So you can't do it Sedona is more beautiful than the Grand Canyon not true, but it's beautiful Sedona is pretty amazing, but I can't it's hard because you don't appreciate any museums. I Appreciate science museums. You've said the same thing about museums because you go into them you look look at something, and then you go, what do I do now? Yeah, most of them are super overrated. I agree with you. We're not gonna win this one, Mike. It's fine. But we're all taking the Serengeti, right?

Yes, okay. Yeah. And also, if they fly in some of the African animals to live in the Grand Canyon, because it's in the desert. Right. And full desert. The other thing is hot air balloons are awesome.

I've been in them a couple times. They are really, really cool. They are a nice way to travel. They are. Do you ever feel like you could fall out? No, no, you can't. Because it's so deep, right? You could jump out, but you can't just fall out.

It's like, that would be like... You'd have to climb up this. Falling out of your car. Like, I don't fall out my window. I could climb out my window, but you're not going to. The only downside to hot air balloons is... Ted, this kind of speaks to Brooks you can't the landing is a lot of guesswork it's like they think so there's usually like a Jeep on the ground

that's gonna follow you and meet you wherever you land because you know yes this isn't like X marks the spot and we'll put it down right there. You're you're at the mercy of wind and things like that. So I was wondered. And then when you actually go in for the landing you're not usually coming straight down at least the two times I've been in them. You know you're you're two times. Is it tough and roll. You're traveling. Well and then the people meet you there and they're gonna try to grab that basket before it turns over Before it turns over. Yeah Well, like the basket's gonna fall yeah, but on the ground it's a bumpy landing

Yeah, which I've heard is the same with like If you go skydiving, isn't that a little rough land? Yeah, it's a bit rough now you've been you haven't been solo, correct? Okay You ever been on a solo oh hot air balloon, right? I'm the pilot no and did you go around the world in 80 days? I have not yet done that that would be foolproof though right of all the things to accidentally end up in control of the hot air Balloon is just stop putting hot air in it, and you'll go down right yeah Yes, if you want to land a plane or land a hot air balloon One of the hot air choose the hot air balloon

Okay, I've watched the guy do it. He just stops putting air in it So what is it? How long is the training seminar to become a hot air balloon pilot with his flatulence? It never lands Oh, no, I could keep this is my flatulence that hot I do run hot So I just wonder if every time you're trying to land you it never lands. Oh no, I could keep this. Is my flatulence that hot? I do run hot. So I just wonder if every time you're trying to land, you just, I would just have to wait back up a bit for summer. And once it's hot outside, I'd be, I could land hit another thermal and I'm just being spammed with pictures of people sideways on their landings. Yeah. It's a real thing. And we almost went sideways. Is there a, do we, should we do one more move

on? Isn't there like an anchor or something they can use to prevent the problem? Like you throw a big ship anchor about 20 feet above the ground Oh, that's actually a good idea and you'd put it out the direction that you're you know traveling away from so they're just That's not so and then it drags the ground a little bit Oh no, I'm realizing that you're gonna eat it because when the anchor Extends to its lock locked position you just swoop down. Yeah, you're toast. What do you think Al? Let's move on. Okay. What's the difference between me and you?

Well, let's get more sophisticated. It's time for learning. And to be clear, no Google results for this one. We don't need it. We are Google. We are Google. It's my middle name. What is the difference between boogers, snot, and mucus?

Yeah, this is easy. Yeah, it is pretty obvious. There's one that seems to be troubling to me. The boogers, what's the, is there any, is there any moisture content allowed in a booger? Yes. There, you can't have anything in your nose without any moisture. But is the booger itself have moisture or is there just mucus around the booger? So if it were to be, you know, emitted from dinostril. If you want to know what a booger. So if it were to be you know emitted from dinostra. If you want to know what a booger is I think the easiest way to think about it is is

this like a raisin and if it is that's a booger. I was gonna say can you flick it? Can you flick? I can flick a raisin? You can't flick no snot. No you can fling snot. You can also hawk a loogie. Sure. That is also a fact. It's not in this question at all. But you could think it. It involves mucus. You could also jump over a box. So that's 202 stuff.

We're at 101 right now. Sorry. That's a different class. So boogers, they have a solid formation? Mm-hmm. You can flick them, and they look like a raisin. I'm not sure if it looks like a raisin. Yeah, I mean, boogers, I mean, it could be a a raisin. I'm not sure if it looks like a raisin. Yeah, I mean the boogers I mean

It could be a small raisin they don't have to all be you know real large grapes here, but Yeah, the boogers like a raisin. Okay Now snot liquidy all. All liquidy. Drippy. Drippy. Yeah. Can't flip that. But mucus. Help me out.

Thick. Thick. Wait, mucus and snot are not the same thing? No. I've used that as pretty unanimous. You've been misspeaking your entire life. What if you blow into a Kleenex and boogers and snot come out together? Isn't that mucus?

Nope. Nope. Nope. Wait, what's mucus? It has to be thicker? Yeah. Yeah, it's got to be thick. I think this is a bunch of hogwash.

We're just telling you the facts. So there's a point when mucus could become snot if it's thinned out? Yes. Absolutely. And usually what happens is some of the mucus will turn into snot and leave you. The rest will stay behind as mucus. And what do you have going through your system right now? Just mucus?

Yeah. Because I can't see you. I can't tell you for sure. It's a real Schrodinger's cat. It's not amucous at the same time. And I could have boogers in there too. Yeah, absolutely. Is there a kind of like a socially acceptable way to get rid of a booger?

Because nobody wants a booger, right? There's no one out there seeking out the booger nose. Like, oh man, I got one in there, now what? There is a socially acceptable way, and it's to do it when no one can see you. That is the only socially acceptable way. And when you do that, you can dispose of it in any number of ways.

You could drop it on the floor. You can flick it. Yep. Wipe it on the seat underneath. You ever done the bottom of the seat? Yeah, I mean, look, I'm not too proud to say I've done the bottom of the seat before,. I mean, look, I'm not too proud to say I've done the bottom of the seat before. Yes. How many, how many flicks until you give up

and then go to wipe it away? Oh, this is not a booger. After all, it's usually, it's usually four. It's usually four, but sometimes I get determined. Sometimes it won't be defeated. It really is one of these. You can roll a booger. And then you, yeah, you, you do the thing. It gets rid of the moisture. You do the thing where you, let's say it's on your finger, and you take your other hand to flick it. Wait, you've done that? Oh yeah. And then you flick it hard and it's on the other finger. It sticks to the other finger. You're like, what material is this and how can we manufacture? This is some great material that my body is producing.

And those things are probably still on us somewhere. They have latched on. You've never gotten rid of that. My back is covered in little tiny boogers of all the childless conversations that we have. This one. Some of this one felt like the absolute worst. I agree. We talk about poop all the time but you get into boogers. I mean what about boogers man. We don't grow out of boogers and yet you pretend you do as kids they're not afraid to admit I got a booger yeah jump see here's the thing you know there's there's a phrase that you can fart in front of those that you love yeah right that's a phrase yeah that's a phrase you never heard of that yeah I mean have you ever heard of the phrase but the reality exists no. No, no, no, no, no, no. There's a phrase.

Yeah. Uh, fellas back there, the producers, have you ever heard that phrase? I have not. Wait, okay. Not as a phrase, but I agree with the statement. He's Googling. Yeah, I am. Cause I'm...

Is this a phrase? What do you think? Is it Shakespeare? Uh, yeah, I don't Because I'm is this a phrase? What do you think is Shakespeare? Yeah, I don't know. Where's this coming from? Well, anyways, it should be a phrase. I get this once. No, this is this. This gets to be my quote now. Okay. My quote. Put it out everywhere on the Internet. First result. You could fart in front of those you love. Jason Moore. But my point is like that, you know know it's kind of like a rite of passage you're around your buddy and you could fart. We were building. Which happens first

the booger pick or the fart? No that's what I'm saying like we were getting this studio long ago this was an empty room we had our camera set up I'm doing roundhouse fart kicks in front of my two yeah my two close friends. They're pretty impressive. I don't want to pick my nose in front of you. Right. That feels so much worse. Is that like only if a marriage gets to like 25 years you can start booger picking? Oh, you hit like the golden anniversary then there's the booger anniversary?

And then once you get to like 60, 70 you have to pick each other's noses. Yeah. Oh, but you, no that's against. I don't think. That's against the law. That's against the law. Yeah. You can pick your friends. But you can't pick your friends' but you can't pick your friends and you can pick your nose. Yes. Can't pick friends. Exactly. That's a phrase. Yes. And more. What is the difference. It's just

going to claim everything you like. All right. Between being stunned surprised and shocked stunned. Surprised and shocked. Okay. Okay. St okay stun if you're stunned you can't move right and oftentimes it is with a stun gun sure I've seen that is one of them I've seen people get stunned and what's the first thing you notice they can't move yes now they are usually you're surprised by the stun gun right but because you're immobilized it's just officially you're just on the record because I don't think people get

surprised and certainly not shocked shocked you get all three of those are just done gun yeah a stun gun also shocks so maybe we take the stun gun out for a minute well all three of them are the same for a stun gun, but we wouldn't call it a surprise gun You're on the ground we should though, yeah It's probably move more units like this one's talking. I'd buy a surprise gun Surprised boom you guys at stunned and shocked So stunned and shot so stunned and shocked

I'm I'm trying to put myself into like I'm seeing cartoon reactions Right to these and with stunned you are not moving and you're on your back of your heels I feel like you've gone back to okay Are you toes up your toes are up and okay and your arms are straight, but somehow you're not falling over and I'm stunned Okay, but then your hands go up when you're shocked You're you know what? I mean? Okay, you're shocked Whether like this it can be on your head it can it can be like jazz hands It could be on your head it could be but your your hands can't stay down

I feel like you have show up on a surprise though, too That stunned me that shocked me. What is the difference? Shock, I think a stun is, we got that one. You're not moving. You got a bit of a paralysis. Shocked though, there's a little bit of pain. Oh really? Yeah. I've been shocked.

You shocked me. Yes. Yeah, I can see that. I mean, I certainly, every time I touch metal and get shocked, I'm in a little bit of pain. But like it can just be emotionally. Surprised is in its own category Well, surprise has really grown over the last 200 years because of mostly the the parties the parties. Yes, the surprise parties have really turned a surprise into a good thing parties have really turned a surprise into a good thing. That surprises me that you would say that.

See, that's the original usage. Oh really? From about 200 years ago. And then it just turned into parties only. And then it just turned into, well not just parties, but gifts. Do you like a good surprise party? Can you appreciate it? I've been surprise partied once in my life.

And I mean it's like other people opting you into you spending your time at something when you don't know yeah, I hate that I Mean that sounds awful But they're doing something nice for you. It's so kind so kind of them Can you opt out of your own surprise party at the surprise? Like you sir. Thank you. Goodbye. You certainly enjoy yourself can but there there's gonna come with ramifications there you act stunned can but there there's gonna come with ramifications there you act stunned and then you fall over and then medical condition yeah and then you got then you get ambulanced out of there oh good yeah it's worth it so listen expensive way out of your own surprise but you had a surprise party thrown for you I have I've

had one did you enjoy it were you happy that and were you really surprised or did you know I was coming I had no no idea it was coming. I almost blew up the surprise party because it involved a trip down to Tucson to see my college friends. And then I was greeted by, and like we got time to go. I can't remember what was, a bunch of life stuff was happening. I was like, ah, do we even really want to do this anymore? And which I'm sure my wife was. Oh, so you almost didn't go on the trip.

Correct. Gotcha. Yeah. So she had to kind of like persuade you? Yes. Yeah, of course you do. OK, all right, let's go. And then, yeah, I mean, it worked out

because I was going down to see my friends anyways. But then there just happened to be a surprise party for me. So it worked out. I got to. Because you were obligated already. I already knew I was going to see the people I wanted to see. And then we for me. So it worked out. Okay, because you were obligated already. I already knew I was going to see the people I wanted to see. And then we celebrated me. That's the way to do a surprise party.

So you go into the restaurant. So you're going to eat anyway. So you might as well have your friends there with you. Yeah, no, that's the... Not like I'm going home at the end of the night. Right, I'm so excited to relax. And then you open the door. What a surprise party to do to somebody like, we gotta buy time.

I'm gonna take this purse while we're gonna hit the gym. We're gonna do all this stuff and we're gonna be out till 11pm and then we'll do the surprise party. Man, you guys wanna do one more real quick? What's the difference between being ripped, buff and yoked? Ripped, buff and yoked. Yoked is steroids, right? 100%. That's the, without a doubt. I mean you're yoked out, you're too big. Yoked is steroids right? 100% that's the I mean you're

yoked out you're too big. Yoked is too big. Yoked is unnatural. Unnatural. And therefore it is roids. I imagine we have pulled that phrase like as in this is like yoked like an ox right? Yeah not like the egg. Right. Right yeah because there's no L in this yolk but yolk so we're saying that someone is so big they look like they could pull a wagon like an ox. Exactly right. Okay so we're on to it you you have to be gigantic. You have to be gigantic and usually it's unnatural. The only the only way to get yoked by not using steroids is sometimes you could fool people your body is not Really big enough to be yoked, but your attitude is so bro that you're young that people just go

Yeah, this is yoked. Okay, because I assume he does steroids Yo, yo is the part where other people other than that person say why would you even want to look like that? Right so big that you're like, oh, gosh, that's even too big. You want to know what I want to be? I want to be ripped. Yes. Ripped means definition of the muscles to me. Yeah, ripped is way better than buff.

Ripped is lean. Yeah. Ripped is the muscles are ripping out of your body. Yeah. I feel like it's clearly defined lines everywhere, where the muscles are drawn onto you. And very vascular you're gonna buff buff is like in a shirt buff is oh that's kind of buff you just know it buff is just you're strong yeah buff yeah you're a little bit thicker I think the biceps come in

to play with buff for sure for sure yeah I'd be strong everywhere else and not have big biceps and be buff okay so like guys in world's strongest man competition because those dudes are not ripped. No, they're not. They're, they're buff or yoked. Well, right. Depending on the contest. Yeah. But so I'm just saying, so those guys can be, that's true. It's buff. Yeah. They can be just buff. I really think the difference between being buff and being ripped is a body fat percentage. Yes. That's what it comes down to because both are very muscular, in shape, strong people.

But if you've got enough fat content where you don't look like you have a swimmer's body, then you're buff. If you are a lean, low body fat percentage. Like dad bod can be buff. Yeah, dad bod is totally buff. All right. Dad bod's not gonna be ripped. No, goodness no. Maybe when he was younger.

Yeah, because you could be buff without a six pack. Right. You know what I mean? But every buff person does have the right to say, I could be ripped if I wanted to. Oh yes. Oh yeah, yeah, I could be ripped if I wanted to. Oh yes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little bit more diet.

Especially while you're taking the cheeseburger bite, if I really wanted to. Yes, I've noticed so much- You have the problem. So much soothing in my own life goes around what I could do if I put my mind to it. I think the- We know.

The potential is there. We know we're mentally strong enough if we choose to make the NBA You can't make yourself taller or younger If I could be one of these three in real life, it would have to be yoked But we've just we've we've clarified you you can get there Oh really? But we've just, we've clarified, you can get there. Well I could if I wanted to, but I don't want to.

Oh. So you know what I want? Just saying. Steroids. Steroids. Well I'm sure Owl knows a guy. That's true. I got you.

Yeah, yeah, and let's move into this kid-centered draft. The Spitballers draft. All right. Today's episode features a draft of the best excuses you can use to not do your chores. So we were kids at one point in time, back when we were ripped and uh, we have kids. So we've, we've been around the block. We've, we've heard them, we've heard them all. And there are, there are some strategies that youngsters can take to get out of their chores just youngsters. I mean, don't you have chores? Don't I have chores sure?

I'm gonna try to get out of my chair excuses applied to youngsters better, but there are excuses for all sorts of chores Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. So Mike. Yeah, you are up first pick. Okay, so the best excuse not to do my chore is because I was trying to think of this like from the parents perspective, it can be difficult to argue with some of these things. Sure. And if they say, I've got to help my sibling do something. Oh, helping the sibling altruism. Yeah. I'm like, Oh man, they're going to work together to get something done. And I want want that and I really want that means they're not fighting Okay. All right. We can we can hold on on the chore helping the sibling. Yeah, that's a good way out. Okay That's a good excuse Jason. Yeah. Yeah, I like that

man, so I'm gonna go with I'm gonna go with the most comments since we're at the top of the draft. I'm just gonna go with like You know the the meat and potatoes here. I didn't know there was oh, there's a meat and potatoes It's being sick I have feeling sick slash. I got a headache. Yeah, I got a headache line I got a headache. Yeah, I got a headache line. Whatever. How do you argue with that? Whatever is your ailment. You have some kind of ailment. You know, I'm sick. I can't do it. I'm gonna throw up. I don't feel good. Blah, blah, nonsense. All right. That's a good one. It was my next pick for sure, which means I'm going to have

to go with one. It's a little similar to Mike's only in that the parent would have a harder time arguing with it. Oh an even harder time I'm gonna go with I Was just sitting down to read Mom and dad I was just sitting down to read I mean Goodness if I could get my kids to read more and be off the computers and stuff They only read when the chores when his chores done time I was just gonna yeah I've found that apparently the best time for reading is in fact 30 minutes after you were

supposed to go to sleep oh yeah yeah that's the only time you're this is I need to read it's only good if it can keep you from having to sleep or do chores or do chores which my do chores. Which my next one is kind of a follow up. It's in the same vein. And look, I have I've been victim to it and I don't know how to argue this. I don't know how to win this one. Because for goodness sakes, I can't get them to do this. But hey, son, why don't you help me with the dishes? Sorry, dad. I've got homework. Yeah, I've got homework slash I need to study, right? Like, well, shoot, what am I going to do? I'm going to stop you from doing your homework so you can

come help me. Yeah. That's a tough one. That's really tough. I feel pretty good getting the back to backs here on this one. Okay. I'm going to go with one that, um, I, I couldn't argue with it. Um, and maybe some parents out there, you're a monster. Um, maybe not, but I'm going to go with it's my birthday. Oh yeah. Making me do chores on my birthday. Uh, it only works. One once a year. That's good. But that was, it is, but also wait, you're assigning your, the more household which has the now legendary birthday week. You're telling me that you to assign chores to your children on their birthday. No, I would never. I that's the monsters that do that.

Other people do that. I'm telling you that that is a foolproof way out and and maybe you could try it in a couple other days of the year. Put a little shock in your parents. Be like oh mom it's my birthday. Oh man. What. Yeah. That's a good one. It reminds me of Clifford. But remember the big red dog. No the oh yeah with Martin short. Yeah Clifford your birthday was six months ago. I haven't thought of that movie in 30 years. Yeah, it's it's grandpa Came out when we were young. Yeah. All right, Mike you have two picks now All right excuses for not doing so I know the first one because because it No matter how many times this excuse is given, they keep trying it.

I already did it. No! That was on my list! I already did them! That buys you some time for sure! Hey, go clean up your room. I already did. Yeah, and then you go check it.

And then you have a decision as a parent You could go all the way up the stairs Over the dog and confirm or just take their word for it You need so far away toward checking cameras or something Yeah, that's a good one because what can happen there is they can get away with that and then do them in a little bit Yeah, and then you might as well have done them in the beginning. Yeah, it's doing it. That was one of my yeah That's definitely was a top All right, and then this one is legit as and there's really there's no one to blame But me for wanting the convenience of this particular one

Product when they say the vacuum battery is dead Really battery is dead and you're like, oh you literally can't so you don't have the supplies Yeah So you're like if we're out of back in the day when it was always plugged in you couldn't go with that one Yeah But now the battery can actually be dead and you go. And they're leaving it off that charger on purpose, aren't they? Yeah. And you try and why is a vacuum battery take 48 hours to charge? Let's get the scientists on this. Yeah. All right. That's a good one. That's a good

one. All right. So we've been kind of given excuses, but really, you know, we're due to the draft title. Well, due to the the well, what is the draft title? Excuses. Best excuses to not do your job. I thought it was most creative ways to get out of doing chores. Why? Why would it be that? Because I thought that was the original. It's on the sign, right? But we say all of it with words and stuff at the beginning of the segment.

Yeah, I mean, I'm a real good listener. Okay. When we were trapped in a mall. Yeah, that was a room'm a real good listener. Remember when we were trapped in a mall? Yeah, that was a room, Mike. Nice try. Alright, so if we're only sticking to excuses here, well then, per the rule, per the draft, this is not just for kids.

You're spilling on yourself. Oh, Andy took a drink and he... I'm not a good drinker. No, you spill on yourself food and drink more than anyone I know. I'm impatient. You think that's what it is? I don't have time to get this can fully to my lips. Yeah, because the consequence is not much.

Who cares, man? Genuine question. Do you spill on the way to your mouth, do you spill on the way to your mouth? Or do you spill on the way like you know if I knew I'd fix it. I don't Know what's going on man. I think my mouth might be malformed, and it's a oh, it's a handicap It's a mouth problem. Yeah, I think I might have like a little dead loose loose lip loose Google it All right Google it. Or probably don't. I don't know. Alright, this one is for...

Yeah, stick with the excuses. This is for our age group. I threw out my back. Oh! What? Yeah. Really? Oh yeah.

You told me you threw out their back. You know, no, he said it would be for our age group getting out of a chore. And that one actually, you know, it holds weight. It's hard to argue with. Ooh, I can't lift right now. My back hurts. You can't lift anything. You can't do chores.

If you've got a headache, the headache excuse, I don't care, do your chores. Right. You got a headache. I want to throw in a little spasm. Yeah, but if you throw your back out, you can't move. I can't prove whether or not you threw your back out. Yeah, it's kind of a, you're at least safe for a few times.

I gotta like throw a sock for him to catch. Catch him off guard, be like, catch us! Oh, you can't move. All right. Did you just think that they were actually hurt? They just hit him in the face with something? Oh, my bad, I forgot your back was thrown out. All right, I'm gonna throw this one out there

for my third pick because I have experienced this not working somehow, somehow, for a friend of mine growing up. Which is, my friend is over. Oh, that, oh. My friend is over. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, that happens all the time.

Because I, when I was growing up, I had a friend. And it did not matter that I was over at his house playing. Yard work was getting done even though the friend was over. And guess who got to help? The friend. Wait. I had to help with some yard work. That's genius.

That's genius of your friend. Invite your friends over. Like delaying the chores knowing that you're gonna, I mean this is a Tom Sawyer situation. Also genius of the parents. Well maybe he can help out. Let's get a little bit more yard work done, huh? And then I will close it out with, well, the unfortunately the most common excuse slash lie. I hope this isn't mine. I'll do it later. I'll do it, hold on, let me rephrase. I promise I'll do it later.

Not right now. I promise I'll do it later. Why do something now that you can do later? Exactly. Or potentially never at all. Yep. So that is my final pick. All right, my last pick is the easy, 101 most real life common excuse that I get from my

children. I mean, this happens so much that we preempt it now. Can I guess? You can guess. Let's say they're playing video games or whatever, they're doing something and now it's like, hey, it's time for chores. We're going to do chores. I'm in the middle of a game. Oh, I mean that that happens all the time I don't care making them get off. All right

I'm hungry It's always Always it's like as soon as it's chores time. That's a good one That definitely happens in my house good one. I have never heard that. That definitely happens in my house. Wow. You were hungry when you were on your video game. You could have played another three hours. You would have been hungry. But the second you have to do chores, you're starving. It's not just chores. It's anything you are averse to doing. Yeah. Homework. Oh, now you're starting. I'm hungry. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're denying food if you make them do the chores. Yes.

They're interesting. There's a whole speech that we receive. So now you've got to preempt that. That's what we do We say you eat them and then say do the chores. No, no, no, I don't I don't feed them first I just straight-up tell them I before I tell them I'm like, hey, it's time to get off You got to do your chores is basically it's time to get off. You got to do your chores I don't want to hear that you're hungry now all of a sudden you can eat when you're when you're done Yeah, you're gonna starve. You'll do the chores pretty quick. Just eating three. They're not hungry Hungry when they're hungry they go eat I thought you were gonna go with the video game one

Which is now that they play all these online games. I can't pause I have to pull you out of a game with your friends and ruin your life. Yeah. All right, Mike final pick All right, so matches almost Oh lies. 30 minutes later. He started another one. This one of course you need siblings but I'm just going off of my household. The good old fashioned it's not my turn. Yes I have that on my list. It is in fact my brother's turn to do the dishwasher. It's a good one. If you were keeping track you would clearly know that it is not me who has to do the dishes today. And you might not have been keeping track. Oh no one's keeping track. You got to start thinking in your head which was the fair way. Okay. I'm not building out a chore system

where I can like move the star or the dot whatever. No no I want them to do their chores but maybe I should build the system. I had it. I had that too. It's not my turn. It's not my turn. All right. there's our draft. Um, that covered most of what was on my list. I did have bribe written down where it's like, I'll do this instead. You know, try to make a negotiation. My youngest hit one of his favorite lines is let me make you a deal. Really? Oh man. You do that for me and I'll do this? I get offered 25 deals a day. Nice. That's funny. They're usually in relation of him doing something very small and then me spending a ton of money. I already did other chores. You know what I mean? It's like,

oh I already took out the garbage. You're going to make me do me do the dishes? And then the other things I was going to do for creative ways to get out of doing chores is get in the shower. Oh, okay. And never go home. That was just, you don't do chores anywhere but home, right? I mean, like, if you take out the garbage. Unless that friend brings you over to do the chores.

But I'm saying, like, if you take out the garbage here. It's work. It's work. Yeah. You can only do chores Yeah, sure. But I'm saying like, if you take out the garbage here, as work as work, yeah, you can only do chores at a residence. I need to ask you about one more that I had on my list and whether you've used it. Okay. To get out of chores. Probably. It's the I have to poop. Oh, yeah. I mean, I just have you hidden. Have you done a hide? I'm a poop hide. I'm a man. Okay. There is no man with children in this country that is not hidden in the bathroom taking too long to poop and if you show me one that says that they have it, I will show you a liar. Yeah, we do have the ability to summon our bowels when needed. All When needed. Alright, any more Mike? Let's, I mean I had,

it was just out of product but it's kind of like the vacuum and then for me it was too similar to the sit down and read, at least to me it was like, oh I gotta go, I'm gonna practice my instrument. Oh nice, that's a good reason to take up an instrument. Yes, because you're like, and then as the parent who's paying way too much for private lessons, you're like, fine, go practice your instrument. And nobody did the classic too tired, did they? No, because that's just that- They're kids. It doesn't work. Yeah, it doesn't. It only works for grownups.

Yeah, it only works at bedtime. I will say that- You mean the reading time. My youngest will, whenever it's like not quite his bedtime, if it's like an hour before, he'll be like, if there's chore time then, he'll be like, just tuck me in. That's funny. Like, it's 4.30. Let's go. Time for bed.

Time for bed. What did we learn today? I learned that the first result from Google is iron clad, always right, never look past it. It is just pure information and locked in. Locked and loaded correct answer, always. I learned today that our kids have similar excuses to one another. Yeah, they have a hive mind.

And I learned when you land in a hot air balloon, you're probably gonna tipsy over there. I had no idea. Yeah, yeah. Only about 50% of people make it on the average hot air balloon trip, according to Brooks. The other 50%, I'm sorry. Final flight. Enjoyed it. Goodbye! Tell your friends. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.