Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Wizard Wars & Things Made of Wood - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: June 29, 2026

The laughter returns with another brand new episode of The Spitballers. Wizard powers get put to the test in Would You Rather, Ballerdash makes a glorious return and we wrap things up with a Things Made of Wood Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Ridid, do, do, but ding it to boom, boop, peteam. Dang it, I could have landed that. And I didn't. No, no. The landing was... That was hitting a door that wasn't open.

I was trying to jump through the door and they kept it close. is locked. I like the beginning. I really need to, I mean, I need to find a finisher. Mike. I don't know. I felt like it was on,

it's on its way, but it. Like a, like a new catchphrase, a new Bidinky? I worked, I wanted to go back to Bidangi, and then I realized I worked it

kind of through the middle of it. You did? And then I had nothing to land on. Welcome into the spitballers. Happy to have you with us. Al Borland in the building back there and or Zalley next to the great bald one.

Papa Josh. There's just something about the lighting back there too. Like Al's wearing his black hat and then. There you go. Like yeah. In the shadows. And the shadows. It's just this illuminated head.

You look a lot better in the shadows. Yeah. Yeah. You were made for the shadows. Yeah. I love lighting. We've got would you rather some baller dash. And we are drafting the best things on planet

earth that are made of wood. Oh, man. Which, if only this was metal. This is going to be a little tougher for me. Yeah, you're more of a metal guy. I'm much more of a metal guy than a wood guy, but I'll figure this out. You're good at the alloy? Of course, there's an alloy. Of course, there's an alloy.

Yeah, that's right. There's a lot of great stuff that we have built. Made out of wood. Yeah. Yeah, there'll be some really good picks today, I'm sure. Let's do some would you rather. Would you rather? That's wood. Would you rather? Oh, I see what you did there.

Professional. I love wood. That's all I could think of when this draft was floated was. Oh. Is that? Wasn't a lot of rude? If you could have only one, if you could only have one, if you could only have one in a movie theater, would you rather have reclining seats or food and beverage service?

Wow. It is an ironic timing for this because I took my daughter to the newest toy store movie on Saturday. She was dying to go and we have a theater. The closest theater to us is a food and beverage theater with reclining seats. I told her I didn't want to go because I was checking all the showtimes and all the seats were sold out except like the first and second row. Okay. Which every time I'm in there. there. I'm like, those aren't that bad in this type of theater, but I never want to book them.

So I finally booked them. And I will say, this is the first time I was like reclining seats were a complete necessity because I was that close to this. Was it okay? Because I genuinely wondered. I was in the third row. And it was fine. It was fine. Completely fine. Because those are always available. But I'm like, no, I don't want to do that. Yeah, that's how I was. But she wanted to see it. It's so bad. They were all sold out. We got the third row. The reclining seats were clutch for that. Because if you think about it, you're up there. The neck is, definitely moving upward, but the recliner really helped. Like, what's your, I feel like the experience or the access to the experience, I should say,

because it's been around, but like where they bring you the food and they bring you the beverages. That's newer. Yeah. Because we have what we used to be really novel. Yeah, we had what studio movie grill. I don't know if they're still around. I only went there like once or twice. So I don't do this a lot?

I've really only done the, where they bring it out. maybe five times. Really? Yeah. That's the only way I'm movie anymore. Okay. So, you know, I want a movie.

That's the only way I want a movie. So my wife absolutely has to have the recliners. When we go to certain theaters around us, having certain theaters, don't. Right. And she just, Yeah, the snoozing is way better in the recliner.

She refuses to go, but I'm kind of, like, I barely use the recliner when I'm in the recliners. I feel like I get too hot. Like, all my body weight is on this leather chair. Right. And if it's an empty theater, it's fine, because I'll literally just switch seats. You'll seat hot?

Genuinely, I see hop. Like you're flipping the pillow? I will be in these two seats because I get hot and I'll move to that one. Now, do you time it up with like when you sense that you're in the second act of the movie or the third? It's every 10 minutes, man. I'm back and forth. There's just a timer that goes off. It's a heat timer.

It's a heat timer. Body hot potato. So the first place in Arizona that started serving food, like restaurant style, order, it's delivered to you. That place didn't have recliners. You were in like office chair type of seats with a desk. That's honestly true. It's like the kids' desks in school. Yeah.

And it was awesome. Food is the answer to the question. Food is the answer. Now, back there in Ducer's alley, and I've, I've, I've, Honestly, I like Josh for the most part, but this is one of the areas that, you know, we see movies together. That's one of the things we've done over the years. This guy does not get food in movies ever. He's just like, I don't want it.

I'm more on Josh's side. Yeah, but that's because you're not going. You just admitted you're not going to the places that serve food. I don't want, if I go to a normal movie theater, I don't want one of their hot dogs. They do. Sometimes they get good dogs. You know, one of their microwave pizzas or whatever they. have. Those are crappy. But if you go to a place that actually delivers food, they've got a

nice menu. I will say this. I don't think we have gotten to our final form of the process. Because there's still humans involved? I think so. And I think I wish, you know, a cheeseburger. I wish it could come out of the seat or something. Like, people coming. Oh, what's that under me? Oh, no. I think in front of the seat. Maybe the side, sorry, thank you. I shouldn't have got the soup. Oh, my pants are wet. I thought you were going to go soup enema. They give you the, well, it would have been in my descriptor. They give you the QR code like you're going to pull your phone out

and QR code it in the middle of the movie if you want to, but that's distracting for your neighbors. Yeah, it. And then they come out and they bring you the food. Yeah, they come out with the bill. They block your view. They came out, I wanted to order like some dessert in the middle of it. That felt like I was inconveniencing people.

that being said again a cocktail sure and then another one yeah if the movie's bad and then a nice nap honestly turn the movie off just a little bright for me in here can you dim

can you dim that screen can we just do a place where you recline and drink cocktails and there's no movie no show so like a I'll take a I'll take a nagroney and a pizza and two unisomps please

to unison it's it's much harder uh i say when i was you know when we had the young kids public napping with friends yes when my kids were younger we were pretty disciplined with

when we would go to the movie like we would we really wouldn't do the snack bar it was and this was eventually they knew you know they would still ask of course but it's like no and later we moved to like one candy whatever everyone gets one candy and then we're done with it.

But when you go and then a server walks up to you and they're like, what would you like? It's a lot harder for me to have the kids not like I'll hear them. And I'll hear them order their food. And then it comes out and then all of a sudden it's going to come out

with a giant ice cream. I'm like, wait a minute. This was. You don't have control. I didn't approve this. But it's here. And now it's too late. So there's there's drawbacks. You should be able to pre-program the buttons on the side on your phone or something, and then you just hit them, and they're already preset to your stuff that you want. Okay.

You can just keep smashing it and ordering it. I mean, food is great. Recliners are great. Yeah. The combination, you see they're making a 4D theater that's about to open up out here? Right here. I don't know if I need that meaning. I don't need that in my life.

The seats are moved, vibrate. I think even water, you know, they'll have the like, oh, the big dog sneezed. You've covered in water. Or you're like at the, you're at a 3D movie at Disneyland? That's what it seems like. You're covered in mud when they drive through the mud. No, I don't need that. I don't need that in my life.

What? I'm, I can't handle motion simulators. So what is your final vote? You want the recliners in Mike? Yeah, yeah, I lean that way. Give me the food and drinks. I mean, I can't, you, I don't even need the recliner. Do you eat reclined?

Like, bring me my feet up. You're going to be eating so much that you don't recline. Yeah, because otherwise I will. Do you keep the feet? down while you're eating? Yeah, when I'm eating, I keep the feet down. I will say I have a problem. I'm very tall. And when I recline, I feel bad about it. Because if anybody needs to get by me, the aisles closed. Would you rather have Dumbledors or Gandalf's powers? That is the question. Dumbledore or Gandon. I'm going to need some help from the nerds. Right. This is a weird,

weird, both of these. Because they are both the same exact thing. Okay. Here's my problem. I only know one difference. I want to know this difference. Well, I don't, okay, spoiler alert, if you have not seen. Spoiler alert? Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings are free game. I don't do. There could be young ones.

There can be parents with young ones and they don't want it to get ruined. So I'm giving them a warning. Harry Potter warning. Gandalf makes it back. Dumbledore gets yeated into infinity. and so does Gandalf. That was actually the quote from the book. What Snape's like,

Yee! Here's the problem I have. But I was saying Gandalf, not only does he fall to his death, he comes back and he's more powerful. He's way better. He's the white. Yeah.

Gandalf the white. Instead of Gandalf the gray. Does he only have the two forms? I don't know. It's gray and white. It's gray and white. It's all you go. Here's my problem with both characters. Not saying that this will go one way or the other.

My problem is that both of them have apparently the greatest power all the time they could ever have. They can do amazing things. But somehow, for the sake of movies, obviously, and stories. It's the Superman problem. It's the Superman problem. It's constrained. So it's like Gandalf shows up back as Gandalf the way. He just rose from the dead.

Yeah. He comes down the mountain. He shines like the sun. He's amazing. Dumbledore is he is the greatest, most powerful wizard. In the seven books, how often does he use his wizarding house? Oh, not nearly enough. Just little goof gags.

Yeah, like, but that's like... And then eventually gets in a big duel, but... It's the ultimate martial artist. Right. Because you're like, it's the discipline. I've learned restraint. I'm so advanced in my martial arts. I don't even use it.

I will say this. So the premise of the question, I apologize forever wrote this end. Thank you for listening. The premise is so stupid. Because they have the exact same powers. Does Gandalf? No, they don't, I mean, Geyl doesn't use a wand. say.

He can just go. Well, the staff amplify, Josh nerd. No, it's the same for both. The wand and the staff, they amplify the magic that the person has. Dumbledore can do magic without a wand. Gandal can do it without a wand.

Can he? I don't know if Dumbledore can do it without a wand, man. Absolutely. I don't think so. 100%. Prove it. Don't judge my Harry Potter knowledge here. Mike's looking back into the deuce of the alley like they know.

I don't think that, I think you need the wand. You would be incorrect. did Harry have a wand yet when he was starting to do accidental magic thing at 11 years old? No, he did. That's a solid point. Come on. You think Dumbledore can't? No, you're right.

The answer to this question is Dumbledore. Even though he gets yeated and Gandalf comes back gray, Dumbledore's the most powerful wizard in the universe in his book. Gandalf's not even like the most powerful wizard in his area. It's like he's got like three other guys that are better than him. What an embarrassing way to go then? You're the most powerful wizard? But he chose to go.

This was like, Snape, you got to kill me. What was the spoiler? Obi-Wan? Yeah, that was a big spoiler. I mean, I guess it is Obi-1 because Harry Potter is. I don't know. I think I'm going to go Gandalf. I think I like that fantasy world more.

Like, Dumbledore stuck inside a castle his whole life. Like, Gandalf's roaming around. Gandalf also flies on the back of eagles. Yeah. Do those eagles? have like a range limit. Why couldn't we just fly these bad dogs? Right to the volcano,

drop the ring in movie over. You could have easily just flown the eagle. I will say this, Dumbledore does not have a flying mount. I mean, there are flying mounts in Harry Potter, but he doesn't have one. Also doesn't need it because he can apparate. Okay.

Which that is. Yeah, I'm taking the one that didn't die. Disappear and appear wherever he wants. Why didn't he do that while he was falling? No, that's Dumbledore. Dumbledore didn't fall to his death. That was Gandalf that fell to his death. Yeah, Gandalf could use hypothetical death. He fell when

the Balrog pulled him down. Was Dumbledore struck before he fell? I don't remember. He never fell off the tip. You're confused. Gandalf. Gandalf was... Gambledore just died on the tie. He didn't fall down. Oh, he doesn't? No. I mean, he fell down like... Yeah, when you die, you usually don't stay standing. Yeah.

But I'll take the one that lived. Mike? You don't care? Yeah, I don't. That's his answer. We got one more. For 100K, would you rather have to keep a goldfish alive for three years or a bonsai tree alive for three years? I know so little about these two things. I know that goldfish die quick.

Yeah. I don't even know if three years would, like, surpass the average life expectancy of a goldfish, which would make that impossible. No, it can't. Because some goldfish grow monstrously huge, right? They grow to the size of their bowl, Jason. Yeah. So if it's like a lake, is there a lake goldfish? well there's just a gold

monster yeah there's no lake the bonsai tree I didn't know that they're hard to keep alive I just assumed you had to trim them up all nice to make them look cool are they hard to keep alive I thought they were just meticulous they're just like just give them some sunshine an appropriate amount of water you're good

I mean yeah it's it's more like I don't have to make the bonsai tree look beautiful do I I have no idea man we don't know anything about either of these things in this question. I know that I could keep a bonsai tree alive. I know nothing about a bonsai tree.

I know nothing about a goldfish. Well, does a bonsai tree, is it particular with like the sunlight and the amount of water? Maybe. Don't care. If it starts dying, here's a thing. You could tell when a plant starts dying and kind of. I can tell when a fish is dying too. I don't think that's true.

Mike, I think. I can't. It just goes upside down. Well, that's what it's dead. So that's my point is like, I feel like with a goldfish, you don't know, oh my gosh, something's clearly going wrong. They don't sneeze or cough. Yeah, exactly. There are signs like yellowing leaves.

Exactly. With plants. And the crazy thing about plants is you could bring them back, man. I have seen, my wife has had these plants that she has killed 100 times. And they are. Oh, they go Gandalf? Yeah. And they are, the plants are so white now.

she brings them back they just need a little bit of sunshine and water and eventually it will come back to life a goldfish also I will say this if I fail at either of these I'm going to feel much worse with the goldfish I don't feel much worse about the bonsai tree really I think they're supposed to be special

I feel like if the bonsai tree were to die I'd be like oh darn it but if the goldfish died I'd feel guilty I'd be like oh no I killed 10 to 30 years when properly killed For. Killed for? When properly killed for.

Oh, well then give me the goldfish. That sounds easy. Both of these are things that I feel like in my life I've tried to take care of and they always die. Do fish get gill diseases or breathing problems the way that air, that humans do? Or just air breathers, I guess you would say. I don't know what else to call them. Air breather. Oh, you know, like we get like.

You're talking respiratory. things? I have, Mike, I couldn't not know that more. I'm just, we're here to, no, I know. And that is my answer. I, because it's like, we run into problems all the time. You're like, dude, I can't breathe. My lungs are not functioning. They're full of crap. Does that happen to gills? I imagine if the water's like murky or bad or non-oxygenated. Yes, I would think that they're like, it's polluted water, right? Like the little water factors. Hey, animal boy. He's a marine biologist. Come on. So he should actually know. Why aren't you chiming in.

You didn't ask. Yes, I did. He literally asked it. That was all he did was ask that question. Fish get a lot of stuff, man. If the water is not well taken care of, they can get things like ick. They can get all kinds of things. Oh, man.

You can't lose the ick once you get the ick. That's something I have learned. You can't lose it. Yeah, you got a new ick. They get the ick. That's how much thought we put into name in their diseases. They got the ew. They got the icky, icky.

Yeah, that's funny. And the gross. I'll take the bonsai tree. What's your, you're going to 10 years? Or five to 10 years, I'll take the fish. None of those were the right time for it. It was like 10 to 30 years. Was that what he said?

Yeah. Whatever. All right. Last one. Would you rather have unlimited storage on your laptop or your smartphone? Unlimited storage on your laptop or your smartphone. I don't run into storage problems on either, but my bigger files are always on my laptop.

Like when I have full length recordings of my children's, you know. Those are on your laptop? Theater productions, yeah. I mean, I'm not going to put them on my phone because I feel like... How do you record them? Well, I don't record them. The theater records them. And then they send you the digital file.

And so it's like... I thought you're holding your laptop. But those are like the biggest files that I have. I would say that... most of the time the consequential stuff is on my phone so I would probably choose that I mean photos obviously

Not everybody's got like full length 4K kid theater videos So I'd say that like Mike do you run into storage issues Um I guess more on the computer Than on my phone I'm not yeah I'm not Do we think about storage the way we used to think about

No I don't think so It used to be something where you were You know if you had a gaming PC it was like, oh, I got these two games. Oh, yeah, and then you got to... It's like, I got to delete this game to download the other game. I'm out of storage. Actually, that would be my answer, but it wasn't one of the options.

My desktop computer would be my actual answer to that because of games. Games are the biggest thing that you download, and that's the thing I've actually had to buy hard drives for. Storage is like the video game consoles. Yeah, my laptop, I don't care. My phone... Truth be told, when I said I have that info on my laptop, I completely mean my PC. Your desktop computer? Aren't they one and the same?

Do you have a laptop and a desktop? Yeah, I've got like just a regular computer at home. This guy, man. He's rich. You don't have another computer? I do. Okay. Whoa, you have this thing I have?

What in the world? All right, let's take a break and we'll get into some Ballardash. Oh, yeah, I got that. Yeah. What time is it? Game time. All right. It's been a minute.

I'm actually looking forward to this today. I'm always bad at this. So every opportunity to play Ballardash is a new opportunity to not be the worst. I'm glad we don't have to wear like some sort of outfit for the loser of this one. We are playing Ballardash. We have each made up a definition for a weird word, a description for a notable person, an acronym, today's acronym, CKD. We'll get into that. Weird law.

We finished the sentence in Alabama. It is illegal to throw salt dot, dot, dot. On the wounds. That would hurt. Movie plot. She'll be wearing pink pajamas. We made up a movie plot for that. We'll be reading, or Al Borland, rather,

we'll be reading our submitted definitions and the real one. Our job is to identify the real one. If we can convince our compatriots here to guess our fake. name or description, then we earn some extra points. That's right. You get one point if they guess your answer, and you get two points if you guess the correct answer. All right. Let's go. All right.

We're going to start with that weird word, and that word is Pagamoggin. Do it. That is a weird word. Yes. Pagamoggin. Is a Pogamoggin, a wooden war club with a big knob on the end. Could be. A beloved Scandinavian winter tradition where teams race specifically modified

four-seat sleds. You say Scandinavian? Oh, I'm sorry, specially modified, not specifically. That's right. You got some against Scandinavians? No, I love them. They are awesome. Is a Pagamoggin, a person who enthusiastically commits to plan with little

understanding of how it works? Or is a Pogamoggin, a Scottish term for the last sheep in a flock to enter the pen? Oh, man. Oh, that's a good one. If someone wrote that one, that's a good one. Pogamogam. The last sheep. Why are we calling the last sheep a word that long?

It is. All right. So we got, like the slacker sheep. We got the wooden club one, the Scandinavian one, the person that plans with little understanding. No,

they enthusiastically commit to a plan with little understanding. You know a lot about that one, Jason. You're a real poggumogging. And then the last sheep. The last sheep to enter the pin. the pogama man one of these just sounds like what it is which it's never what it never is what it is never is what it never is what it never is what we rotate lock yes we do okay i'll go first because i'm gonna go with the stupid club and it just sounds like a paga

mogen like i'm smashed him with a paga monging i'm whoop you aside the head with a paga monging okay i'm i'm between a couple of them well we all are we're not you. We got four to choose from. I'm between these four here. I'm going to say the person that plans with a little understanding. And I, the last sheep one's too good. I'm going with the last sheep. All righty. I think if I am scoring correctly, Jason, I think got three points because he correct, he guessed the correct answer. It was the club. It was the club. And then Jason's answer was the last sheep. Yes. So he got a point for that. And then Mike gets a point for coming up with the person who

who enthusiastically convince. Not surprised, no points. I hate this game. All right. So we're starting with Jason with three, Mike with one, Andy with nothing, and we are moving on to the notable person. And that person is old Poppy Faldmo. Poppy Faldmo. Poppy Faldmo.

Wallace and Faldmo? Exactly. Was Poppy Faldmo, a Danish baker who invented the spiral cinnamon bun after dropping dough into a laundry ringer. Okay. What? Was Poppy Faldmo, the first female screenwriter in America? Was Poppy Faldmo,

a woman who removed her own tonsils because she couldn't afford the operation? Oh my gosh. I'm crossing the out right now. Or was Poppy Faldmo known for writing The Quiet Year, a best-selling memoir about growing up in rural Montana?

Okay. So two writer things, female screenwriter, and writing the quiet year. That's the most boring book I've ever heard. I lived in Montana. It was quiet. The bestseller.

The end. I'm locking in Danish Baker. Danish Baker. That's the first one that was like a entire paragraph. Tonsil that can't afford it. That was amazing. Yeah, we have Danish Baker, female screenwriter, the tonsils that can't afford it,

and the quiet year of Montana. That's where the first and the last one, the Danish Baker and the quiet. year those are just too long they feel like i mean i guess it shouldn't say this till you lock it in um i'm gonna go with the i'll do the i'm the same one andy's on the danish baker yeah i will go with tonsils removing my tonsils is that yours no oh no but it's either right or andy deserves a point because that's a good auntie can't get a point i didn't get any Oh, did you get...

But Jason got four. Are you getting four? That's right, baby. The Dennis Baker. And then you said the line about it being too long. Yeah, that's why I said it. To try to incept it. You got to play the game.

Oh, I hate you. When you guessed the club, I was 100% sure you wrote that one in. Ah, yeah. And you were trying to do that bull crap. You have seven points? Man, this game is easy. Infinity more than me. That is true.

All right. We're moving on to the acronym. What's the total? Seven to one to zero. Oh, Mike is. tightly in a race with me for last. All right, we're moving on to the acronym, which is CKD, is that consumer key data.

Nope. Calculated kill distance. Committee for Korean domestics. Okay. Certified kitchen designer. What was the first one? Consumer key data. Okay.

For data. I don't know. Do you guys say data or data? I don't, just both. Usually data, unless we're talking about Star Trek. Yeah. Or the Gooseer Key data. So it's not about Star Trek.

Mike, you get to lock in first. Okay. Lucky. The kill one. Confirmed kill distance. Which doesn't even make sense, but so. Calculated kill distance. I'm going to go with the kitchen designer.

It's all my. Jason is going to end up with three points. points this time. He got the correct answer again. So Andy, you get. He also came up with a calculated kill distance. Thank you, Mike. Mike loves my answer. Andy gets two points for this round. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. You, you frog hopped. I have not had one of mine guessed once. All right. In years. Not just today. Jason is crushing with 10 points. Andy,

that's why right behind him with two points. And Mike just behind him. This is a two man race. I should just stop. Yeah. Um, okay. Let's move on. I've got momentum. Good luck catching up. All right. We're going to move on. I'm guessing Mike's answers every time to the movie plot.

And the movie title is, we don't have the weird law? I have it in my dock last, but we can go to that one. It doesn't matter to us. We just didn't want you to forget it. We'll do the weird law. In Alabama, it is illegal to throw salt on a church floor during a wedding, on a railroad track, into lakes. into an aquarium.

Those are all Jason. You are first. Short. So say them one more time. In Alabama, it's illegal to throw salt on what? On a church floor during a wedding, on a railroad track,

into a lake, into an aquarium. Hmm. Which one is? All I want to do is not... We won't tell you that. Not guess Andy's. That's my only goal here.

Yeah. Because you want mine never to be guessed. Yeah. Although you're in the lead now. I mean, between you too. Mike, by one. Thank you.

The lake is dumb. That one would never be. The aquarium makes a little sense. Hmm. I have to lock in first. I'll go. I will go on a railroad. Can't throw salt on a railroad.

That's what I'm doing, too. Yeah, me too. All three of you, that's the correct answer. All right. No changes. No changes. Mine was the aquarium. Mine was the aquarium.

Oh, I was really close to aquarium. I'm so close to getting one guest. Mike was Lakes and Jason was the church floor. Oh, man. All right. Last round. I thought the Real Road tracks made some sense with like, would that make them rust or something?

Why it's illegal? I don't know. All right. Derail. Look out for that salt. We're moving on to the movie plot. And the movie title is she will be wearing. By the way, the last round is worth five times the points.

I'm guessing I'm still then. Jason will end the game with 50 points. 50,000. in points. She'll be wearing pink pajamas is that a washed up private investigator becomes obsessed with tracking down a mysterious woman who appears in strangers' dreams

wearing pink pajamas only to discover she's been leaving clues to a crime that hasn't happened yet. No, it's not because these cards aren't on eight by 11 pieces of paper. I don't know who wrote that, Andrew, but this is the worst answer in the history of Ballardash

I have ever witnessed. Oh, man. Oh my gosh, I'm not writing that down. Whatever that was, I mean, just terrible. You kept going about four times. Okay, yep. It's not good enough yet. I've got to convince you that this is a real movie.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, I hope that's Andy's, please. Okay, she'll be wearing pink pajamas. A country singer promises to wear pink pajamas on stage if her terrible football team ever wins a playoff game. She'll be wearing pink pajamas is that a group of women go on an intense survival course to see how much they can take. Maybe. Or is it a spirited young girl bounces from one adoptive home to the next, unintentionally sabotaging every chance at a permanent family as she searches for where she truly belongs.

That's pretty long. Singer. Locked. Oh, yeah, you go first. Yeah, that was such a long description. I got to know who the first was. It was me. I mean, it's just so bad. It's like, you know how this game is played, right?

No one could ever put that on a car. It didn't look that long when I typed it. Oh, man. I made him read all that. Oh, gosh. It was me. I have to go a group of women. survival.

That's what I'm going with as well. Uh-oh. Jason got the correct answer again, along with Mike. And let's see. Jason, Jason's answer was the country singer. Oh, my God. Andy chose that.

And we all know what Andy's answer was. No, but that was time five. Me and Mike tied. No, it was times five. You said. Andy said it was time of five. So I dominated. Yes, you did.

Goodness. You got all four? You guessed the correct answer? I did. I feel like they're, that's a first. They're, I mean, they're decently easy.

You know one of them that is... Shut up! It's mine. And when you always know Andy's, I'm just picking between mics or the right one. It's like, it's not that hard. Oh my God. Read that answer one more time, Jeremy.

Just out of curiosity. Yeah, I'd love to read that again. Perhaps the movie was, what? It's called she'll be wearing pink pajamas. And it could be about a washed-up private investigator who becomes obsessed with tracking down a mysterious woman who appears in stranger's dreams. wearing pink pajamas only to discover she's been leaving clues to a crime that hasn't happened yet.

Yeah, okay. I will be better in the future. I hope so. That's my commitment. I'm going to dominate next time by completely not thinking. You made minority report in pink pajamas. You bet I did. Here we go.

The Spitballers draft. All right. We are drafting the best things on planet Earth. made of wood. Rudd? So I've got the first pick, and I think there's a lot of ways to go about it. There's a lot of things Mike said earlier in the show that are made of wood that are very cool. I'm actually going to go with, like, I don't know if something's better because it's made of more wood than something else.

Oh, interesting question. Not necessarily. I got some stuff that's made out of very little bit of wood. Well, that's, yeah, I'm just setting the table for my pick. I'm taking a log cabin. That would have been my first pick. A log cabin with the number one pick. It's on my list.

That's good. It's huge. And, you know. And it's awesome. People want it still. It's a thing made of wood that people still want to be made of wood. Yeah, I mean, not everything that's been made of wood.

People want that anymore. Well, and it's funny because, like, there are houses that are made out of wood. I guess that you just, very, very true. Most all houses are made of wood, but also other things. Yeah, but it doesn't seem like, You wouldn't be like, I've got a wooden house. No, you wouldn't. But when you've got a log cabin, it's like, you've got a wooden house.

That thing will burn quick. Yeah, for sure. Don't put that in the forest. Oh, that's where they all are. Mike, you've got the first pick on the table for your squad. Yeah, for you. You were floundering. You know what?

You ruined it for me. I was going to save it and then you chuckled. I was in great shape. Mike, go ahead. I'm going to want pirate ships, baby. That's a great pick. Now, you went pirate ship versus just a regular. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, it is funny because it's like. A regular ship? Like, if you wanted to describe. Pirates. If you wanted to describe a ship like the one that, like Columbus took across the ocean. How do you say, do you say ship? A wooden ship?

That's boring. Pirates ship is way less boring. Yeah. Pirates ship is cool. Like a vintage ship? Well, and when you say. Papa Josh is saying, yeah. I thought a galleon was gold.

Oh, that's bullion. That's Harry Potter. There is. when you say a ship, if you just say an old ship, I can't even like picture it. I just know, okay, I know what it is, but I can't picture it in my mind. You say a pirate ship and I see it. Yo, ho, yo, oh.

I just saw a reel of, it's a, speaking of Scandinavian, what was it, Sweden? There's a museum up there and they have a full-sized preserved, like a Viking-type ship. It must be cool. is, dude, it looks so awesome. Man. And trying to imagine, like, the sea just used to be filled with these things.

Yeah. That's wild. All right. Jason, yeah, it's not metal. It's wood. You got to pick two times. I'm a little out of my comfort zone here. I'll take a nail. You know, unlike things that could be metal, but you're making them out of wood. Your guys' things, you're not building your log cabin. You're not building your pirate ship. Speak for yourself. but you do build a tree house out of wood.

You got you put the sweat equity in. It was my second pick. And so my house is not as big as yours. Yeah, sure. I get that, but I was a pick away. I would say it's inferior to log cabin. You definitely chose the worst one. I will look down on you from up in the trees.

Literally. Yeah. And then I guess I'll take probably the biggest thing made out of wood. since you guys think you're getting a big thing with a pirate ship and a and a log cabin. Are you taking? Go ahead. I'm taking a wooden roller coaster. Oh, that would have been my next pick.

Wooden roller coasters are. I can't believe they exist. They really shouldn't. They really shouldn't. They're really great. They're great. How do you fix them? You just put new wood.

New wood. You put or tar. I don't know. I don't know either. Sap. How do we fix this? Uh, throw some top. on it. Yeah, it'll make a stick together.

But giant wooden roller coasters, they seem so cool to me. And they're also not cool at all. Classic look. No, they are actually, they're actually really. They're actually stupid. No, they're good. What? Good roller coasters. This is a weird take. What is wrong with wood roller coasters? No, not all of them. Not all. Let me ask you a question. I agree with that. Hey, this is another acronym. The committee for creating roller coasters. We're going to make a roller coaster. What are we

going to make out of? Nobody answers wood now. No, not anymore. We've replaced it. Well, you think we're making a lot of ships out of wood right now? Why is it cool? It's in fear. I'm going on a cruise ship next week. It's all made out of wood.

Papa Josh, you ride on roller coasters. Are they better if they're wood? No. No, we're not saying they're better. We just said they're awesome. Are they cool if they're wood? Some of them. Yeah.

All right. The second pick for you was with a roller coaster. Imagine the intro to step by step. I know. The television show. I've been on. TGIF. And it's zooming out with the real fake ocean being super opposed. But it's got the big white wood roller coaster. I've been on that roller coaster. It's great. It's bumpy. It is. But they also, you know what they can't do? They can't make me sick because we can't get them fast and upside down. All right. There's an argument. Mike. You've got pirate ships. You got another pick coming up. I was hoping to get roller coasters. So we will take no chances. I will take guitars. That would have been my next pick

Yes Yeah an acoustic guitar That would have been a travesty Yeah you getting guitars That makes sense Me getting a rocking chair That makes sense That's my next pick

God That pairs well with your log cabin It pairs perfectly with my log cabin As does the third pick I'm building the set here boys A canoe Oh I'm taking a canoe

Okay It's not a pirate ship No But it is a boat it's got a purpose and they do still I think make those out of wood oftentimes not always

but uh more carbon fiber now yeah everything's carbon fiber what would you think of a pirate ship pulled up and it's carbon fiber would you be in too I'd be like that thing is sleek how fast is that thing go it would be pretty sick yeah

I'm guessing the peg legs are also carbon fiber too wow yeah yeah all right log cabin rocking chair canoe I've got a vibe going on Mike you've got a pirate ship with some guitar players on it got another pick. I'm going with baseball bat. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. A baseball bat? Yeah. Good for sport. Yeah, I mean, not. Good for protecting yourself. Not a collegiate bat. Do they still use the metal?

They're aluminum, yeah. That's disgusting. It's a horrible sound. It's a horrible sound. The crack of a bat is one of the best things about baseball. I agree. Why are you? Plus it breaks in half and then you've got like a something you can stab with.

with. Jason, tree house, wooden roller coaster. I'm going to take, look, you can't have whiskey without it. Okay. I'm taking a whiskey barrel. Okay, a nice big whiskey barrel. I can even ride this thing down to Niagara if I want to

once I've emptied out the whiskey. Is that in your bucket list? Going over the falls? That is how I hit the bucket list. That's how I want to go. I mean, is there any barrel can be a whiskey barrel, right? Yeah, yeah. But a whiskey barrel is only one that has had whiskey in it.

Well, yeah, an oil, but that's metal. Yeah. So any wood barrel can be a whiskey barrel. Correct. Why do you need it to be wood? You just want to absorb the... No, that's where the flavor comes from. It's all from the barrel?

It really seals it in. Yeah. Yeah, that's, you have different kinds of, you have different kinds of material gives a different flavor profile. You can use old. I'd like this beverage to taste like wood. I was thinking, who decided they wanted to go over the falls in a barrel?

The first dude they did that. Hey, I got this idea. I wouldn't do that, Bill. A lot of people have died trying that. Why? We have always had stunt people. I know. We get a motorcycle. Because if you do it and you pull it off in your live, you're a

hero. Like, hey, what are you doing do with that motorcycle? I know. Stack 20 cars together and I'm going to jump it. All right. I still have one more pick. You do. So does Jason though? Since 1901, 15 individuals have attempted to ride over Niagara Falls.

15 dumb people. How many live? Resulting in at least five documented fatalities. Wait, that's 33% of those going over don't make it. And the other ones run. They didn't bother to tell anyone if they made it? The other ones were undocumented fatalities where they just turned around and walked away from the falls and nobody wrote it down. Tell no one.

Jason, you have a whiskey barrel And you got one more pick I have my final pick I am going to go with A nice finish sauna Oh I mean Beautiful wooden room smells

Was that finish or finished? Well, both I do prefer my sonnas finished But also the finish The open air sonna I like the dry sauna more than the like a steam room Okay, that's a great pick Thank you I did it

And that's on I mean that's one where you keep building them out of wood on purpose. Cedar, you know, saunas and stuff like that? For sure. It's a great pick. Mike, you've got one left. We just need something practical in your life every once in a while. Do we? You do. Okay.

You need a toothpick. A toothpick is fine. That feels like it's made out of splinter. It's small, but it's mighty. They take all the spilters from the wood and they make toothpicks out of it. Yeah, but it is, it is good. How much food will be stuck in your teeth if toothpicks didn't exist? And why is a wooden ones?

I use now are all made of plastic and string But yours are like the flossers Yeah But if you actually just replace a wooden toothpick With a plastic toothpick They are inferior That I feel like that would cut me up

No I'm just saying the exact shape of a toothpick In plastic So what becomes more inferior about it I'm not saying I know why It's just There's something satisfying about The wooden toothpick It's the

You're reconnecting with nature. I don't know. There is a downside to it, though. If you don't get it pretty quick with a wooden toothpick, then all of a sudden you lose that edge. You need a new tooth. You get soggy? You get one more chance on the other side.

Uh-huh. You know, and then it's like, no, I need another one. You ever had the, the point of piece become what is locked in your teeth? Yes. Yes, I have. I've never had that all about. Really? You break a piece off in your tooth and now you need a toothache to get out of the tooth pit.

It feels like the stupidest thing that could possibly happen. You're like, well, no, I need a toothpick to get the toothpick out of my teeth. This is why flossers were invented. Way better. They break all the time, too, though. I'm really disappointed in the quality of the flosser. Or maybe my teeth are just... You've got special teeth.

Log cabin, rocking chair, canoe, my final pick. I'm going to close it down with a bookshelf. A bookshelf. There are spectacular bookshelves. You have quite the theme. I just stuck with it. Yeah, you are... Now, there's a bookshelf with a wooden ladder that rolls on it, too.

Very nice. We do use metal for the bearings. I'll say my next pick would have been a coffin, which sounds like you might want to draft that based off of your picks. Yeah, yeah, coffin. What else did you guys have on your list? Honorable mentions. A pool cue?

Pencil. I had a cutting board, and I had a catapult. Oh, yeah. The fact that they made launching Trebuechet amazing weapons out of just wood. Never heard that word. my life. A Trebushe? Yeah. Are you kidding me? No. It's a pretty normal. A Trebucet is not the same as a as a, uh, it's a type of catapult, but it uses like, an arrow. No. It catapults. Wait, isn't a treboles? Wouldn't that just be a bow? That's a ballista. Oh, that is what I'm thinking of. You ever heard that word, Mike?

No. Where, where, where are you nerds hanging out? In the history section. I guess. Yeah. What a trebisee. Trebushe. It's basically a form of a catapult, but it uses a different momentum starter. That's serious business. A humidor. What's a humidor? A humidor is where you put your cigars to keep them humidified. And then I was going to maybe pick our desk here.

Our table that we sat out for a decade recording this show. Mike should have definitely used a pick on a treasure chest. Oh, that's going to the wood. A wooden treasure chest? Yeah. That's what they were made out of it. Yeah. What?

Yeah. When I think of a treasure chest, I definitely don't. That's metal. In your head, you don't see like the, there's metal on it, but the box is made of wood. The box is of wood. No way. The metal keeps it locks. Type the word treasure chest, and I bet you'll be surprised with the amount of wood you see.

Just treasure chest. Is it all wood? It's all wood. The first one I see is like mostly metal. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's got, like, the lock is made out of. This is just proving that you know metal and you don't know wood.

Look, there is. What color is wood? Brown. Yeah, okay. I just searched for treasure chest, quick images and it's all wood. So I'm pacing you an image that is it's half wood, half metal.

Okay, that is true. But I wouldn't say, I mean, lots of things. So the one you found speaks for all treasure chest? But you wouldn't say something made out of half wood and half metal is like a wooden object. That thing is decorated in metal. It's all wood. It's just got metal on it. Thank you.

Decorations. I agree. Oh, correct. What did we learn today? I think you learned something, Jason. Nothing about wood. You wanted to sneak metal into this conversation. I learned that, man, these are all wood.

I learned the treasure chest are made out of wood. I mean, they are all wood. I can't believe this. That's an about face that you made right there. I can't hold on to my belief that it's metal. There's none. There's none that are not wood. Yeah.

Holy moly. I learned the treasure chests are definitely made out of wood. without question. Oh, man. What'd you learn today, Mike? Did you learn anything? Well, you learned what a treboshe was. Oh, I did.

I didn't remember the word. I learned I am. We learned you have some work to do on ball or dash. Serious plot writing. I've got to keep it brief. I found one that's not what. My next plot, it looks stupid. My next plot will be a story about a person.

That will be the plot. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.