Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Zombie King & Things That Are Pointy - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: December 4, 2025

Spit Hit for Dec 4th, 2025:On this hilarious episode, a surprise scat gets things rolling, then we dive into the world of zombie royalty, the importance of post-apocolyptic bidets, and learn about In-Law School before heading into a Things That are Pointy Draft. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast!Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast:Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.comFollow us on X: x.com/SpitballersPodFollow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPodSubscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore on realistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the spitballers podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Skib it, bap, boop, bap, bap, do, but do, bach, oh, okay. All right. I feel like you didn't take any chance. I feel like he didn't take any chances. I really want to. So, Spitz.

That was Papa Josh. Welcome to the show. Al Borland is not here today. He's on vacation. You were going to say he's not with us. He's not with us. I was going to say it's no longer with us. You know, R&B.

And so right before the show, we made Papa Josh, who is sitting in in the main, you know, he's, what do they call that in band? First chair producer today. He's the first chair. producer we're like congratulations you could scat I just wanted worse I just wanted way

I wanted a colossal calamity of this wasn't the the guy that gets up and does the what am I thinking of no idea karaoke this isn't the guy going up and doing the generic karaoke you know

that's all it was it wasn't taking a chance this is not some extreme song that he went up and on stage and did this was this was vanilla that's a good point now what am i thinking oh you think of what i'm thinking so you know you only get out of scats when al borland doesn't so you're still next i mean you're the next one too that's fine that probably means i i have to get the number one pick again next week so i'm i'm down with that yeah you would actually um would you rather life advice and that's all right that's fine

I'll allow it. I tried. And today we're drafting things that are pointy, so I'm sure you're thrilled to have the number one pick. We've got a great show for you today. You can follow us at Spitballerspot over on Twitter slash X, YouTube.com slash Pitballers to watch this show. And tell your friends about it.

It's a family-friendly podcast where we make our producer scat every 80-second show. Is that what it is? Something like that. six show. Let's get it going. Would you rather? Antonio from Patreon writes in and says, Would you rather have to clean?

Oh, we're getting right into it. Would you rather have to clean? You're in off of the seat every time you go into a bathroom to take a number two. Okay, so you have to sit. Right. Or never be able to use a day again the rest of your life. so this is a this is a trick question for jason he would never go and take a number two at a in a public place well that that is true i do avoid that at all costs and i'm in there and there are great costs

to to to holding on to what i have to hold on to um but it's like i i have so much experience cleaning up pee off of the toilet I'm telling you why I'm telling you my youngest he has his children my youngest has never

never gone to the restroom without getting pee on the toilet dude that is a parenting problem I agree bad job by me I'll take the L can I just I want to fix a jam with you that the boys are nasty and

we look we don't run with the sign apparently look That's maybe the parenting fail is I don't have the, if you tinkle or if you sprinkle when you tinkle sign. I don't have the nursery rhyme up on the wall reminding everyone. That's the only thing that are getting done. Maybe. Did you have that signed up?

No, I didn't. And none of my kids be on the, I mean. Yeah, you know of. I will. There is one problem in our house, though. Oh, yeah. Here we go. All right.

Mr. Parent of the Year. Yeah. We've got an occasional flushing issue. Yeah. You got a Duke Schneilift over. Yeah. I'd rather clean.

up a little peepy. I think I would too, man. When I go in there and I find like something cooking, I mean, it's, it's you open the door, you go, whoa. Why is it in there? Why isn't somebody noticed it? Yeah. I mean, I wanted to change the question because I just don't feel like this one really fits the bill. Jason, how many times do you go to the bathroom per day? Uh, at all, uh, pee or poop. No, no, no, no, just poop. Once. Usually, usually, usually. You Usually one healthy BM a day. I wanted to change it to like, do you want to live your life with no bidet? No.

Or you got to do one public poop and one home poop a day, but you keep it. Let me ask you a question. Is the bidet in the public area? Nah. Wipe once. But then, look, we've all been on vacation where it's like, okay, you don't have your bidet to clean you off, but you're thrilled to get home and get fresh. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm going to do

whatever gets me a bidet. So you're willing to public poop? If that's the only way I can get a bidet, then I'll have to do it. I mean, Spitwads, if you don't have a bidet, I don't blame you. This is one of your biggest

like if you're running for office, this is one of your platforms. 100%. I I don't want to shame you because I spent the majority of my life without a bidet. You know, you don't know what you don't. in the dark just like you know if you're living in america you don't have a bidet we didn't grow up with bidet's they're not as common here some people might not even know what it means a bidet is like you know you can get the little toilet seat or it could be the whole toilet which will wash your

booty when you're done right it'll wash it'll dry can do all sorts of magical things it can be fancy where it's warming the seat and warming your water it can be cheap where it's just going to spray like a fire hose cold water on your booty yeah that's the kind that Josh gets but what I want you to understand i am not shaming you but you are freaking disgusting okay you're just you are you are i think you're i think you're shaming them no no no no no no it's not your fault but you need to be aware how awful nasty now you are you know i was very i was the last one to the part yeah you laid a doctor i was pretty resistant too i was just like i don't need this in my life it doesn't benefit me at all mm-hmm and

And I kind of, I had to face the truth one day, which is a tough, it's a tough thing to do to reach that point where you're like, oh, how did I live another way? Well, and see, that's the thing. Why did I choose to opt into that life? Because you didn't know. Once the revelation happens with certain products in your life where it's like, oh, you know, how did I live without this? When you go back, like when we travel and we're on vacation.

Is it better to never have badayed at all? I mean, like the old... Okay, okay, that's... Is it better to have bidet and lost the bidet than to never have bidet at all? Because now when you vacation... Yeah. You realize... And you know your body is compensated.

It's now... It needs the bidet. Oh, yeah. So when you don't have it, it's probably not feeling great. Oh, yeah, you're tearing that thing on. That's where I was going. For sure, man. If this thing's not used to getting wiped into oblivion, then when you go on a vacation and you, you know...

And who's to say what toilet paper you get? First of all, when you go on a vacation, you're eating a certain way. I mean, you know what I mean? That's part of the problem. Yeah, it is. You won't tear it up. I barely walk when I get back from vacations. And I need that bidet.

Yeah. Now, you have a, but you do have a vacation bidet now. I do. I travel. Now, is that a handheld? It is a handheld. So you've got to aim and fire and everything. Battery operated.

Now, do you want, do you put warm water in it? Oh, you know it, brother? Oh, my goodness. I'm waiting for that sink to warm up before I fill that. thing. I wonder how long you would survive in certain places. Not long. Yeah. Brady says, would you rather be patient zero of a

zombie apocalypse or be the last one standing? Oh. Patient zero means you've been bitten and converted. The patient zero is you are the reason that the infection happens. Oh, that's right. That's right. You are the zombie. Yeah, you're the original OG zombie that if people survive and they're able to trace it back, they'll find it. find you. I am curious. Mike, you're

the zombie expert here. Dr. Zombie, yeah. Is there, I know this isn't the huge, but is there any canon on zombie lore? Oh, you're going to ask the same thing I was going to ask. Where zombie number one is King Zombie. Oh. No, you weren't. Like, you know, the word. Right. Yeah, there are

there are movies. Yeah, there are movies like that. I don't care for them as like i think a josh army of the dead like they had a king zombie in that one as well which definitely nod for the podcast yeah he's approving me and i'm passing it on to the audio list you could have said anything so there's a king zombie which it brings in some problems with the zombies because the whole terrifying thing to me at least of a zombie is just it there's no thought process at all it is simply a mechanical creature moving forward looking for food and it will and it cannot be stopped where if you have a leader now there's like orders

to follow emotions and so it's like I don't care for it as much but it but it definitely does it's out there let me give you a counter argument okay because I know we were all big fans of game of thrones the white walkers are essentially mindless brainless zombies and yet they have a leader they have the brain thing is what I was going to bring up and I don't know if they were brainless because they had strategy and thoughts and they did things. That was my point. Like if you're patient number one and zombies have no thoughts, therefore what's the point?

I mean, like, if you can't, like, why would I want to be the first dead? Well, you don't think. Because I'd be dead. Well, here's why. You'd be undead. I know, but I wouldn't have any memory. But here's a thing.

The reason you'd want to be that is because you didn't need to watch everyone around you, die die and get eaten you yourself did not get eaten into a zombie is a revolver for protection slash other kinds of protection purposes is that like a necessary thing in the zombie

in a zombie apocalypse universe like do you need to have the option to say good night before they eat you? You can you can go with that strategy but I mean I guess

Maybe you weren't asked this, but weapon-wise, a physical weapon is far more value. Maybe not more, but you need to have a physical one because you're going to run out of ammo. I don't know, man. They never do. Would you be fine inside of one of those like hamster plastic balls in a zombie movie? Now, that is an interesting question. I don't know if I've ever seen that strategy. Yeah, it's one.

A big, it can't be the inflatable one. No, they'll go right through the inflatable. Yeah. If it's, if it's a plastic. where it's full of air. Yeah, or metal even. But just an actual, no, like a real hamstrone where it's really hard plastic. They can't get in that. I don't think they could get in that. You can't get a, you can't get a bite on it. Yeah. And you grease that baby up. Yeah, here's the thing. Slipping all off. You're, I mean, there's, there's holes in that, right? Your fingers are going to go

through. You wouldn't need air holes. Yeah. So what's a finger going to do? A finger's going to get bit. But you know, how big of an air hole do you need? You can be, it can be real tiny. Do you know how small air is? How big fingers are? I'm just thinking of, I mean, you've got to be able to see out. Well, it's clear plastic. Yeah. You never seen clear plastic? Wait before.

What kind of ball are you? How many? Are you putting hamsters in balls that can't see out of with no air? Okay. I'm looking at hamster balls. They're totally clear. Yeah. Okay.

I remember these now. Yeah. Okay. What were you thinking of? It was like a mesh, like a hard plastic, not see through with, you just look through the holes. I just feel like you could kind of cruise through the. That's not a thing. Well, you could cruise through.

the world in one of those. The problem, once you're, if you get swarmed and stopped, then you're, you're done. Like, you won't get, you won't be able to move out. You won't be able to get out of it. I still always thought I would just attract them all to a fence and just with a long javelin. If they don't climb, if they don't climb. If they're, if they're just the walking zombies, you can be all right. If it's running zombies, then you'd rather be patient zero.

Let's get out of the way. Let's get real. Yeah. I mean, do you want to be patient zero? Do you want to be the last one standing? Do you want to have fought to the end of... Yeah, I want to be the last one. You do?

Yeah, I'm best. To no one. You're best to no, no, I'm best to myself. I made it longest. But if you're... I don't think being best to yourself is going to factor in. But you're first out of one. Like, of the remaining people, you're one of one.

Would you be content being the king of the world? King of all humans, if you're the only human. Is that how you would look at... Would you crown yourself? I mean, so look, I'd at least hold an election. We've all, oh, that's, yeah, you do a Democrat. Yeah, oh, yeah, this is, this is valid. I voted.

Yes, I'm in church. Yes. Of course, yes, you always cast your own vote. Yeah. I mean, this is great. Unanimous? Unanimous president. Has there ever been canon of zombies that have, like, thinking brains of any kind?

Yes. Yeah, they, they're just like, well, like the, uh, so as far as I know, the, like, at least the original real popularity spread was Night of the Living Dead. So Romero's movie from, I mean, it's a black and white movie. It's very old. And like the third one,

he started to dabble. I think it was Day of the Dead. Don't talk to us as though we could validate or acknowledge your opinion. I'm talking to myself. I'm trying to figure it. I believe it was the third one in his string of movies where they did start to think. And because it's their old memories are coming back.

So you see shots of, like, zombies playing the tuba and things like that. Interesting. And it was like, that's not for me. I'm going to go last man. I'm going patient zero, baby. All right. Jason, you're last man. Yeah, I'm last man.

If I made it to last man, that means I've got skills that I currently do not have. That is true. I know to get there, like, I can, I can aim a weapon. I can build a trap. I can't do that stuff right now. So you just need a zombie apocalypse to kind of new. Home my skills. Yeah. Just you need something to happen to make this world of how many bidets you got a little bit rougher.

What can make you actually get into that? There's no way you have a bidet by the way if your last man's standing. Like that day, those are gone. Oh, that there's no way you'd have a bag. I would absolutely have. I can just see him running with a gun in one hand and a backpack and a full bidet with a plug. He's holding under the other arm sprinting and not. They're like, let the bidet go.

They're going to get you. and you're like never. Yeah, there's principles. George wants to know, would you rather bite your tongue every meal? Oh, no. Or stub your toe three times every day. Biting your tongue every meal is, I don't care what it is in your mouth. Is it same spot, different spot?

If it's every meal, you're, you're same spot. Yeah. Well, no, you will same spot eventually. Yeah, because whenever you, oh man, there's just about nothing worse, whether it's your cheek or your tongue, when you've got that little bump, that little swollen part from one chunk. and then you just keep hitting it and you're trying to avoid it

you remember it's there most of the time and then you get a little careless and you go ah bro! Yeah but I mean you guys are underestimating stubbing your toe

because you're doing it three times a day which means every time you do it for the first time it hurts so bad and then you're going oh gosh I have to do this

two more times I don't think I stub my toe often I can't even like recall that's good because that's you'd be a bad Well, I'm just saying, like, I don't, I don't remember the last time I stubbed my toe where I'm like, where it was like a serious one, like painful, like, oh, really?

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I watched where I walk. You're just real accurate with your toes. I feel like my stub toes per year have gone down tremendously from, I think those peaked from 15 to 25. Yeah, but you still get a good few every year. Few? I mean, how many, you're getting a few?

Every year? Yeah. Yes. Really? Are you changing your furniture out a lot? Are you walking with your eyes closed? Doing new things? You cut a corner too sharp.

I think it's doing new stuff. I think the older you get, you do the same stuff. I mean, you're probably sitting. I feel like every time I stub my toe is like nighttime. If anyone can stub their toe sitting, it's this man over here. It's true. I'm going to find a way. He's just kicking his coffee table.

Yeah, I mean, it's got to be lights off. I don't know. I don't know how you stub your toe. It happens all the time, man. Not to me. People stub their toes. I bite my mouth or cheek or tongue. At least like once every couple months, that happens.

And then how many bites? Days. Days. Of bites. Of bites. Yeah, might as well be zombie in my mouth. Just gnawn on my flesh. I don't even know what that means.

Mike, which one are you going for? I think I'd take the, I think I'd rather bite my tongue. I'm doing, I'm going to stub the toe. All right, let's take a break and dish out some advice. Well, you know, every so often, we have to get real on this show. You know, it's fun in games. We like to make your week really happy, entertainment. enjoyable we goof off sometimes we have we sometimes we sometimes we have a moment or two yeah

we're goofing around no more but this is about life advice and sometimes we just need to keep it real right mike um i agree yeah lucas from the website has a crisis he's going through and i'm i think we're here to help yeah we are my significant other insists on keeping every single receipt we have filing cabinets full of past paid invoices and receipt How can I convince them to declutter and organize the receipts without causing another fight about it? So Lucas is obviously married to a much older woman. Okay, so I am curious here. The second part of this question, how can I convince them to declutter and organize the receipts?

Why do you have any? Why do you have it? The other day. Let me ask you because you're the. most organized yeah we'll say organized good word good word of us you strike me as someone who might keep their receipts or at the very least you have most recently kept your receipts out of the three of us do you think i'm i get what you're saying uh but i'm also immediate reaction sir would you like a receipt with that uh uh

If it's more than $500, he's already long. Yeah. If it's more than $500, sure. Okay. For like just a minute. And then I throw it away. The truth of the matter is I was over, and this is going to sell my parents down the river. I was over at their house.

They just moved. And, you know, they're getting stuff at the house. And I'm helping them set up the ring doorbell. And they're like, they didn't have one part that we needed for the ring doorbell. So I say, you should pick it up on Amazon. Here's the link. my mom is so thorough. And this is why you think that I am this way

is because I inherited much of this. The organization. The organization. Yeah. She's so thorough that she gets to the last page on Amazon. And before she clicks place order, she goes and grabs a book. And she brings it back over.

And she'll write down what she's buying and how much it costs on the final invoice of Amazon. Mind you. With paper. With paper. Okay. So she has a book of Amazon purchases she keeps close track of Even though on Amazon, it will tell you your orders in perfect accuracy.

And she had to write it down with the cost before she clicked place the order. Now, did this book have previous purchases? Is this like a receipt book? Yes, this is like a record of everything she's bought on Amazon. Now, how do you keep that in order? There was a benefit from this. She had bought something else I told her to buy. We didn't need anymore.

And it was a while back. And I'm like, oh, well, we can't return this. in two shakes of a lamb's tail she opened up a cabinet and there was the box and everything that came with it and she had it all to ship right back it's not worth it but she didn't need the book for that well no she didn't need the book but i'm just saying it's part and parcel if you keep track of everything in a really thorough way once every 12 years you need it okay so to get back to lucas here don't convince them to organize the receipts without causing a fight This is a get rid of receipts problem.

What are your feelings on this? Do you not save any receipts because you just don't need them? Yes, you don't need them. You don't need them for any place. No, you do. No, you don't. Where would you need one? Because you cannot, not every place has digital records of what you purchase at all.

Like if you didn't put in your phone number at Lowe's, for example. Oh yeah, they just look it up by the card. You're a credit card. No problem. If you're paying in cash. Okay. That's a different story. Sure.

But if it's by credit card, then it's tracked to your credit card. Yeah. And I don't pay by cash. I feel like I've gone in some of these places. And they'll be like, no, the best I could do is store credit because we don't have your receipt. That's, there are some places that do that. I don't, maybe those was the wrong one. But I feel like that, no, it definitely used to be that.

Now, the key here is to snap a quick picture on your phone. Yes. And throw it away. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's actually good. I do that sometimes on something. important. I'll snap a quick picture. And I'm surprised how many times I need to reference

the order number or something. Because I'll call them up and I'll be like, they'll be like, what is the number on the receipt or whatever? That is the real answer for the people who really want to keep everything. You just digitize and then you have that organized. Why do receipts? Why do they exist? Why do we do this? Because they

we needed them. They used to be really important. We do not need them. No, we needed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But like, we got a. It's a remnant. It's a forgotten old. It's something to help the old people feel like they're still living in the world that they knew. But I mean, it's still the young people. You know, you go to McDonald's. Just they're printing out here. Well, I mean, you do need. Look, if you buy something in the store, what's funny is, like, if they didn't give you a receipt or a bag, do you know that feeling when they just hand you

the box and then you're like, start walking towards Walmart's exit? And then you don't have either of those things. And it's like, they don't know if you just took it off the shelf. It's to prove you purchased it. How would you prove? I think that every single transaction you make, like I don't know if you guys have experienced this recently. I went to a, I went to a farmer's market, okay, and they all accepted the car. Yeah, they've got like the square or whatever. And so I

tap my phone on the little thing. And then two seconds later, like they don't have a printer. You've got a receipt. I've got a receipt in my email. It's just automated. I don't know how it works. magic but it's done like that it's time for this world to like grow up from receipts it's all about the older

generation not being able to acclimate it really is when you were younger the bridge in a gap man so jay when you were younger did you ever keep your receipts no no back when you were supposed to and you had the shoebox I think there was one year not just the shoe box

I think it's talking about your wallets oh gosh no no I had I had times in my life Oh, the wallet, it was like... You're George Costanzing it? It was like 75 deep. Just so many receipts.

They had had been there for so long that when you actually, you pull it out and look at it, you can't read anything. Right. It's all worn off. Everything has rubbed and faded off. It's just a piece of paper now that I carry around. So what I would do is if the problem,

which seems to be multiple filing cabinets of space, have them, you know, set a boundary. Look, you can, you can, stair step this things that cost more than $500,000. You can hang on to those receipts for a month something like that. Yeah, it's digitized, man. All right. Is that good enough advice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was great. Pretty fantastic. By the way, is there any

futuristic technology that you would decline from a privacy standpoint? Because you're talking about streamlining, right? Like, if you walked in and it was just like a retinal scan for purchase or it was like, drip your blood right here for purchase that would be inconvenient i i have i have a kind of a rule when it comes to my digital security or or privacy i think is more of the right word that i have none um i already know that i've got no privacy all my data is everywhere so i don't care scan scan me blood just whatever okay that's that's that's how i live scan me to drain my blood chip me uh Logan from patreon needs some

advice let's get serious again yeah i'm sorry my in laws have moved into our basement quote and the quotes are probably important temporarily but it has been a year how do i gently nudge them towards finding their own place without starting a family feud logan you are in you're in a tough tough spot i'm not sure there's a more difficult situation to navigate and i'm you know i think mike probably what's the word has some advice for you when a judge is like I'm too close to this case I have recused I have recused myself

from this question oh wait who wrote this question was this coming in? It was Logan Logan from Patreon well thank you Logan this is so how do you look there are some people

that are built disregard the notes that I will be writing down there are some people in the world that don't pick up social cues or understand the way the sensibilities of the common man and woman oh it's good stuff and um they'll never get it right like those people will never think to themselves hmm i wonder if i'm overstaying my welcome yeah there are people like oh for sure um

you're going to need a default that would be my number one thoughts on your mortgage my number one piece of advice is to the fault. Oh, I think they'll let them stay there forever then. That's fine. They could squat, but if you stop paying that bill, you will be kicked out. And then you've got to find a new place to live and you're going to downsize. All right. Different option. You adopt

another child that needs the space to live in. Okay. Okay. So but that doesn't really fix your amount of people in the house problem. I promise you, your in-laws are going to help build that crib in your bedroom. You know what I mean? They're, they're

What about a plumbing situation? Oh, look at a nice backup. Are you willing to get some remediation work? Is it worth? Like, what would you pay in cash, Logan? Oh, that's a, yeah, I mean, what's your cash value of them leaving? Sometimes you got to throw money at a problem, you know?

I mean, that is a, I mean. Like if they're in the basement, let's say you're in a basement house, that's their area. You could back that thing up. What if it's in upstairs and that's where everyone already lives? I mean, hypothetically speaking, Guys, Logan might have that problem.

Logan could have any, I mean, he does say basement, but, I mean, it could be the upper basement. Yeah, yeah. So it's the upstairs and everyone lives there. I do like that. I thought of, like, flooding the basement would cost you thousands. And that thousands could have gone to getting them another place. I mean, I think getting them another place is your option here. If you put a price tag on it, what's it worth you?

50 grand. That's a lot. 25 grand. It needs a lot of money. but then the alternative is saying they could live here forever how do I nudge them towards finding their own place bed bugs you want them to move out

how do you actually get someone to I think you've got to get your license you got a what kind of license real estate you got to take this oh because then they'll feel like they want to help you absolutely and you can give them a smoking deal that's the solution

you can give them a one a real estate license. It's not that expensive. No, it's like, I know. Yeah, it's like two grand. Forget 50 grand. There's like two grand, a couple weeks of classes. And then it's like, oh my gosh, this is going to be so great, grandma and pop pop, because I have a license and you need a home. And I need to build up my portfolio. It would be a real solid to me.

Yeah, do me a favor. I'll give you a good rate. Commission free. Yeah, oh, commission free. I'll pay you three percent. Yeah. And then the nice thing is you're going to be able to open up a point. portal for them so that you can help every day look at this one this is a good solution i mean

this is you helping them them helping you and in the end boom blam so they're out if you need some schools let me know all of you out there in this situation yeah if you're in Arizona we've got a school we can yeah yeah i think that's a great answer do like so default or become a realtor those are your two easiest paths or they're flood the basement i guess there that many real state schools. There's a handful. Yeah. It's not just one.

They're not all the city. It's a private profit. Yeah. It's a private company. Oh, uh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Lily from the website, my best friend insists on organizing themed dinners where you must dress as characters from obscure movies and try to stay in character throughout the night. How can I escape these without hurt feelings?

Do you need to recuse yourself? I was wondering what these hand gestures were on the audio. uh podcast you were really struggling there is this a little too close to home i think it is what was the question uh it's about themed uh dinners yeah i mean i think you guys mike hasn't talked a lot so let me just pay no attention to these notes i'm taking i mean themed dinners where they can be those can be fun but you you got to do them very very very periodically. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because I haven't done this.

I mean, we did one, we did like a murder mystery party. I mean, this is now a year, two years ago. Oh, yeah. So reading this, I'm like, that sounds really fun. Because it's been a while. But if I had done one last week, I go, ooh, yeah, that's just do that. And there's

a lot of prep you got to do. You know, you've got to buy stuff. So you can't do them that off. Escaping things without hurting feelings is pretty easy. I mean, I'm a realtor You get your license I'm sorry I got a claim

I got to show it That's the solution for all of life's problems You get your license No my you know it's like look Sometimes you get diarrhea Realtor emergency I need to leave I'm getting page

I mean we all get diarrhea From time to time I'm just saying They're not going to double check your toilet You know I feel like you can probably You're saying that as an excuse I'm saying that.

Show me that toilet. I don't believe you to take a minute. Take a picture, you liar. I don't feel like I do not feel justified to be like, I can't come to your party because I got diarrhea. Like that's not the sentence I want to say. Okay. And I don't think diarrhea lasts long enough. I'm throwing up.

I'm sick. Oh, well. My point is like, you better show me that toilet. Yeah, I'm just saying lie. I mean, I would bet for a lot of these, you can find the. right character that will help you get out of things like a mime you just show up and you don't have to do nothing well you would have to mime aren't aren't you a award winning mime jason that is true i do have a trophy that is that is a fact i did win an award but i'm saying like be a dodgy

character someone who disappears or they're just such they're a bit part and they're barely in the movie and you're just like I was I was really respecting the character you're getting a dinner out of this yeah you're not unless you're the one having to host it you're getting a dinner it just sounds like you're uncomfortable with your accents maybe you get a dialogue there we go yeah okay you know what I mean

yeah I think Mike is right it's a matter of picking the right care like let's let's go through some let's go through some practical application here they're doing a Lord of the Rings party okay okay so we got to find the character and my ax Yeah, see, that wouldn't be good That would be like Now you've got to do an accent

Now you gotta have You gotta have a beard You gotta probably bring an axe Hmm So it's like what character I think you picked a rough movie What is We're here to answer hard problems

What was Gandalf in between Gray and White Missing? Yeah Dude, there you go I'm Gandalf the missing Don't show up Don't show up

And then when they're, when they text you, I'm between gray and white. Yes. Hold, please. Just wait. And then at the very end of the night, show up. Yes. In your white, Ghand off the white outfit. And like you.

Hold on. Bell Rock just got me. You home run that thing. That's. So this is, so. Find a character that's been dead in the movie. So you can at least leave halfway. Absolutely.

So Lily, this is your answer. It's a matter of finding the right character show up for the least amount. do the least win the day. Yeah, yeah, and enjoy the dinner. All right, quick break in a pointy things draft. Well, today we are drafting things that are pointy. Well, today we are drafting things that are pointy. Things that are pointy.

So, Jason, you got the number one pick here. Yeah, I know, guys. The clear 101 and the pointy things draft. There is, I think. I mean, there's a lot of pointy things out there. There's no limit on things that have a little bit of a point. I mean. Right.

Yeah. Nothing we say on this show, but otherwise, there's a lot of things. Right. So here I am with the 101. Yeah. What do you got? I'm going to look. You ready?

I want something special, something unique. Hmm. Um, not just a regular old. Oh, that's got a pointy tip. I'm going with the, uh, this is going to be quite the draft. I'm going to go with something a little magical. I'm going to go with something mythological. I'm going to go with the unicorn. Oh, okay. All right. It's special. It's unique. It's powerful. You can put strands of it in ones from my understanding. So what does it do? It powers the ones, provides the magic. Oh, there's nothing else. I had unicorn horn on my list, and I thought that would be a sneaky one for later in the draft. I didn't know it would be the one-on-one. Yeah, I mean.

Nerd questions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the, a sliver of the unicorn horn goes in the wand. Right. And then there's a phoenix feather is also another. Uh-huh. So this is just like the gasoline for the wand. It's a magical item.

Yep. Ah. A dragon heart strength. It can just be a hair. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Cleared it up. Yeah. No, you got it. Okay. So I'm going with something pointy for my pick. And I've actually been oddly obsessed with this item in the last month. You know how you become fascinated by something and then you watch a bunch of documentaries and read books? Yeah.

I'm going with Mount Everest as my pick. Is there a... Point? Yeah, there's a... Yeah, there definitely is. There's a sharp point on the top of Everest. It's a mountain, so... It's not a plateau.

I'm sure, but I mean, I see a lot of mountains where I don't sit there and think, oh, there's a point. Well, I mean, every mountain has a peak, right? Draw a mountain. Draw a mountain on a piece of paper. Tell me what you end up with. Okay. That's a hell. What if it's really big?

That's not a... It's got to have a mountain. He just drew this, Mike. He just drew a... It just drew a... He drew this. It's a semicircle. Yeah, that's not a mountain.

Mountains have. I'm taking Mount Evans. Things are trying to ruin my picks. Yeah. That's what I'm here for. It's just jealous. You wish. It's pretty good pick.

Yeah. So, no, I'm, I'm super into Everest right now. So I'm taking Mount Everest. Okay. All right. It's a pointy thing. So, Jay, I thought you were going to get the 101. Oh, but you got it?

I did. Oh, man. It made it all the way through the first two picks. And I'm surprised because I tipped my hand. We were talking about. about Gandhaw? I wondered. Come on, guys, it's the wizard's hat. Yeah, the wizard's hat is... I probably would have gotten Mount Everest on the way back, wouldn't

I? Let me... I'm going to check my notes. Yes. Oh, darn. Yeah, but no, you gotta start it off. The wizard's hat is a great pit. Yeah. Gryffindor. Yeah, it's great. That's a good pick. And then I will take... So to be clear, we have... So far, we have one real item and two fake pointy things. What a wizard's hat is a real thing?

So is a unicorn horn. Well, that one's not as much. I mean, is a wizard's hat a real thing? Yeah, yeah. You could, I can give you a hat right now. But wizards aren't real. Correct. But a wizard's hat is real. I guess that's true. Right. But it's weird. Yeah. Okay.

They aren't magical. I'm sorry to tell you that part. But to be fair, they're never magical. There are no wizards. Chill that's a Mickey Mouse. Okay. The Sorcerer's Apprentice But his hat's not pointing, right? Oh, no, it is.

It's pretend. It's a wizard's hat. I thought it was a top hat at first. You know that a wizard's hat, if you make a wizard's hat right now and someone puts it on, it's just a person's hat. Right. You know what I'm saying. Don't put it on. Wait, if you don't put it on, it could still be a wizard's hat.

Oh, thank you. Speaking of very real things, I will take Wolverine's claws. Oh, that's a good. Good one. It was on my list, too. That's not on my list. Come on, man. Wolverines Clause, very poignant.

Very poignant. I mean, it's so poignant. I'm so disappointed. I'm so disappointed. It gets out of his hands every time. Three of my items. Three of the top ones on my list. Now, I've got to take something really pedestrian.

Wait, we've managed to take three of your picks? Yes. Incredible. Yeah, good work, Mike. Wolverine's Clause, Gandolf's hat slash wizard hat is what I wrote down. And then, of course, A unicorn horn. So I've got Mount Everest.

I'm going to just go with a sword. I mean, look, sometimes you've got to take a pointy thing. Yeah, no, it's, in a pointy thing's draft. You got to sometimes you got to go with the pointy thing. Get to the basics. The poignantest of things, a sword. Oh, man. I like sword.

That was on my list. I don't have a very big list. Oh, wow, you said that with such real struggle. Now, I would, what I would do, Jason, start thinking of more pointy things and write them down. You struggled to find pointy things? Yeah, that's, uh, you got two picks right now. Yeah, and I'm going to make two great picks. Look, this is what I think is the best pick in this draft.

I knew it could come back to me. There's no way you guys would take it. You're going to be like, ah, it's too round. No, there's nothing that is a better pointy thing. You're pre-attacking our criticism? Yes. There is nothing more pointy. Uh-huh.

Nothing more pointy? Okay. Your pointer finger. I am taking my pointer finger, baby. I'm on point. That's fine. Yeah, that's fine. It doesn't have to be sharp to be pointy.

They call it your pointer finger. They call it your pointer finger. I'm going to point at everything. I'm going to make good points. That's what I'm going to do. What if we become? What does he become? And then I got two picks here.

The show is pointless. Yeah. All right. You're going to go with a thumb? We're going to go. They don't call it. There's one pointer finger. Okay.

That's fair. We did the zombie thing. I'm out. I'm going to take a vampire spike. Okay. Okay. A steak? Yes.

A steak. Josh thought that was very funny. What was the thoughts, Josh? What's so funny back there? A vampire spike? It's called a steak, man. Did I say a vampire spike? You did.

I haven't literally written down as vampire steak because of course it's a steak. But yes, a vampire steak because that thing. That's like a vampire steak. a T-bone. That's got to be, it's got to be sharp. It's got to be pointing. You're, you're having to, you know, get this through flesh. And it's got to, yeah, it's got to be able to, you know, you don't want it to break. You know it's strong. I'm going to follow it up then with a vampire one too. Oh, I wrote vampire fangs. Yeah. So I'm taking those. What do you feel about that? Way cooler. Way cooler. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I thought you were going to take another one from the

list, but you didn't. Yeah. Um, so just so we know where we're at with, uh... Yeah, catch everyone up. Jason has a unicorn horn. Awesome. That's actually a phrase that's pretty weird to say. Unicorn horn. Yeah?

Give it a try. Unicorn horn. Pointy finger. Pretty fun. And a vampire steak or a spike, as he said. Um, oh man, if you used a spike, it wouldn't work because it's not wood. Right. Oh, man, that would be so disappointing.

You can have wooden spikes. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. I think of a spike is like one of the things they use on the railroads to hammer them in. I guess some of those are wood too, probably. I have Mount Everest, a sword and vampire fangs. Mike has a wizard's hat and Wolverine's claws and two more picks.

Oh, it's set up perfectly, guys, because I'm, I've got a combo here. Uh-oh. I got a combo. Two points. I got a combo of two points. Just this is a call that a field goal. what no you don't what two points a two pointer a two oh like a basketball field goal yeah yeah baby swish i'm on fire go on mike whoever is dealing him drugs needs to stop

anyways it's a it's a it's a we do a football show it's a special shout out to all the spalunkers out there okay who are listening to we have a huge demo of you have a lot of splunkers audience you're getting both I'm getting, I'm getting stalag mites and stalactites, baby. That's nice because you don't even, now it doesn't matter with you. Yeah, which ones are the top? I don't care. I got it both. Incredible double pick.

Wow, Mike. Now, they haven't showed up in our show dock yet because I know Josh doesn't know how to spell them. Yeah, one of them has a C. Stalak? Stalagmites. I don't know. That's a great pick. It is.

So one of them does not have a C then. Stalac. tag my stalactites. Really? Yeah. This is what you've remembered from class. This is what I saw on the Google. Wow.

I did not remember that. But just for those keeping track at home, the stalactites are the one on the roof. They're holding on tight. On the roof. Yeah. The cave roof. The ceiling? Yeah.

Okay. We're so science. My final pick, I'm going to go. I don't want to be boring. I can take another boring pick. I know so many pointy things. I mean, I know hundreds of pointy things. But I'm going to go with a swordfish.

I'm going with a swordfish. Oh, that's a great thing. They're cool, man. They got a sword. I got the sword and the swordfish. Yeah, you got the human version and the fish version. Yeah, dude. I got two versions of a sword.

Go with the swordfish for my final pointy thing. Swordfish has made many appearances in our drafts. Yeah, as it should. I mean, I think swordfish is one of the cooler animals. yeah yeah i think it is but don't you think it can get stuck in something yeah like if it goes in like you know just a hole

goes right into a whale oh yeah yeah it pierces it yeah it would be it's stuck forever because can they swim in reverse would you rather be not strong enough for the force would you rather be a cool looking animal that has problems like that or an ugly looking animal that's just utilitarian it just works like a blobfish

well i want to be cool okay okay yeah because the blobfish it's not going to be part of the pointy things draft right no no um jason you get one more pick you got unicorn horn pointer finger a vampire steak and then like you're going to need another point anything i was thinking about a puffer fish but it's not oh but sword swordfish is cooler you already beat me with the vampire yeah you don't want to pick a second what about a a sword puffer fish oh that's that a thing well i don't know oh man they got a start breeding them. So is that a thing?

The guy with unicorn horn. So I'm going to draft a punk rock hair. That's what I'm going to draft. Okay. There you go. Very pointy, very anime style. Like, okay, you're going to go in the hole. You're not going to do a mohawk.

Whatever. Whatever. Pointy here. He's defending that with such vigor. It's the best pick I've ever made. I am so impressed. Did you come up with that just on the spot here? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Here's a question for you. How many times, because you know the answer is not zero, how many times have people tried to make a unicorn, you think? You've got to imagine somebody somewhere tried to make one. I don't believe that's true. How do you, like a gnar wall and a horse? Oh, man.

Like a new breed? That is what I'm getting. Or a rhino on a horse would be another way to do it. But a rhino's not a unit. Yeah, there's a couple. No, rhinos got like the small one before the big one. Yeah. All of rhinos have doubles?

I believe so. There's not like a single. Like you know how some of the camels have got one, two, three humps? You don't think there's a rhino with like a single? I don't think any camels have three humps. I know. We got a biologist in the building. Papa Josh.

Wait, there are no three humped camels? Oh, Josh is shaking us head back there. Hold on. Hold on, hold on. Yeah, no, we have a one, there is a one horned one horned rhino. Oh, all right. So you breed that with a horsey? Yeah.

So I was right, maybe, but when, when, well, because when you said that people were trying to make a unicorn, I literally thought about the magic. I'm like, nobody thinks they can make a magical animal with. Oh, because you think of unicorns as, because they're like, can fly or whatever. Or no, they can't fly. That's a Pegasus. So what makes them magic? What do they do?

What's their magical power? They have extreme healing properties. Their blood. Their blood can heal. It's Dr. Zombie or Dr. Unicorn? Yeah. It's because it's part of Harry Potter. Yeah, it is.

Hey, uh, Nerd alert, Papa Josh and, uh, we've got the Falcon in the building. Any glaring omissions from our pointy things draft that you guys could, that you guys thought of? I was going to say narwhal, but then you guys mentioned it. Yeah. Yeah. I had porcupine quills on. my list. What did you have, Matt? I was going to say like a spear.

Jason. Oh, man. Oh, how did I miss a spear? Wow, you had to go for vampire steak. I put that on the end of a stick and now I got a real weapon. Yeah, you would have. I am pretty surprised you didn't go with spear. How did I not go spear? I am mad at myself. Well, you'll live. What did we learn today? There's a one-horned rhino. I learned that getting your real estate license will help you with most major life events. I learned that a wizard's hat only stays a wizard's hat when it's not put on anybody's head. All right, that'll do it for the spitballers. Thank you for joining us once again.

Thank you, Papa Josh, for dropping that very vanilla scout on us. And we'll be back with another episode next week. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.