Start With A Win - How To Influence People - Part 2

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

In this episode of Start With A Win, Adam and Mark pick up the conversation from last week, discussing Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. The first episode highlighted an overview of the six principles that help to win people over as friends. Adam sets the stage for this episode, which focuses on how to win people over to your thinking. So how do we influence people?The first of these points surrounds argument. Adam advises not to argue with people. Instead, simply appreciate that they have an opinion on the issue at all. He calls on martial arts wisdom when he says, “the best fight one is the one not fought at all.” In other words, avoiding fighting with someone is better than winning an argument. And this can be magnified by the next point, which is to respect differences in opinion. If you can appreciate the fact that someone thinks differently than you, you humanize them and humble yourself. Admitting when you’re wrong can only make this effect stronger. Apologize for mistakes to show that you need grace, too.Another trick is to begin in a friendly way, which can be as simple as responding enthusiastically from the first interaction. Building on this positivity, another tip is to simply get people to say yes. But instead of thinking about these yesses as finalizing sales (or some formal agreement), think about them like micro yesses, as Mark says. The sheer act of saying yes—even to a simple fact—gets them agreeing with you early, which can help set the tone of the conversation moving forward.To influence people, you need to first be aligned. We want people to feel that our opinions are valued. And the reality is that no one will care about your thoughts unless you care about theirs. “And someone has to take that first step,” Adam says. When you don’t have mutual trust and understanding, it is virtually impossible to get them to care about what you have to say. You can also call praise and appreciation to their efforts, which can be framed so as not to blame. If you can suggest a change without saying that it’s their fault, you’re that much closer to winning them over to your own thinking.To avoid feelings of condemnation, try to avoid giving orders. Instead, try asking questions. No one likes being told what to do, but asking questions opens up creative problem-solving. This allows you to sacrifice your own ego to let the other person’s ideas shine. “When you sacrifice your ego, you maintain control of your emotions, and emotions drive behavior,” Adam says. So much of this hinges on emotional control, so offer praise if you want to see motivation.Finally, this framework of influence is based on building an emotional connection to establish a common team. Influencing is about establishing a framework to work together. And at the end of it all, be sure to reward them. Everyone likes a pat on the back and feeling like they are appreciated. These tips will only help you to succeed. And as always—start with a win.Connect with Adam:https://www.startwithawin.com/https://www.facebook.com/REMAXAdamContoshttps://twitter.com/REMAXAdamContoshttps://www.instagram.com/REMAXadamcontos/ Leave us a voicemail:888-581-4430

Every day is filled with choices. You're here because you're choosing to start with a win. Get ready to be inspired, learn something new, and connect with the win nation. Coming to you from the virtual studio of Start With Win. It's Adam Cantos and producer Mark. How are you doing, buddy? Hey. Oh, I'm doing just wonderful. Fantastic. It seems like we just saw each other on part one of this particular effort here.

It does seem like that. It does. You took a little vacation between now and then, though, didn't you? Yeah, I got my tan on. You can kind of see I got a little bit of color from being out in the Anna Maria sun of the Gulf of Florida, which is fantastic. The East Coast are there. West Coast of the East Coast.

The West Coast of the East Coast. That's good. I've always been a West Coaster person myself. You got like both of them going on there. Yeah, it's great. Where are you at? I'm going to the West Coast of the East Coast. That's good. That sounds like a good t-shirt like Florida, the Gulf of Florida, the West coast of the East coast.

There you go. Awesome. Hey, did you, uh, did you meet anybody while you're out there? Any new people at your restaurant? You know, you're always one of those people that like walks in and goes, hello, how you doing, everybody? That's right. Yeah, I'm calling people by their names. I'm making sure to be interested in them, ask them questions, and not trying to tell them all about me and my amazing adventures and whatnot. So I definitely made some friends,

and I influenced some people while I was there as well. It sounds like you listened to part one of this two-part series. I sure did. And if you haven't listened to part one, if you're listening to this and be like, what? Part one, you need to go back next week and listen to part one and then come back here and listen to part two. Okay. So let's review part one here real quick.

I mean, you kind of went through it there with your visit to the West Coast of the East Coast. But I mean, really, I love this quote in the whole thing. If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive, which basically means don't criticize or complain, go in with some gratitude for crying out loud. So the best way not to get people upset at you is, you know, and, and so many people walk in, they just criticize, condemn, or complain about stuff. I mean, you got those people. I mean, sometimes we call them Karens in the world. You know, they're the ones who want to talk to the manager, stuff like that. So we got that one, you know, give honest and sincere appreciation. Arouse in the other person

an eager want. So does this person want to work with you, want to help you, want to be your friend, things like that. And then the second part of the first part is there are really six ways to get people to like you. Okay. You know, become genuinely interested in people like you just talked about, care about those that you're talking to, become genuinely interested in them. Here's a good one. Here's a good one, especially now that we're not really wearing COVID masks anymore. Smile. Yes.

Yay. I mean, come on, show a little love there. Smile. The cool thing about smiles is they're free and you never run out of them. So give them out freely. Another great t-shirt.

Yeah, there you go. Smiles. They're free and you never run out of them. And then remember the person's name is the sweetest sound that they've ever heard spoken in any language. And it's interesting because you could be in any country in the world and hear your name and you'd be like, what, where, who said that? Yeah. So, and then be a good listener. Talk in terms of their interest. Don't talk about yourself. I mean, that's like the best dating advice ever that we give any sort of a young man going on his date.

Don't talk about you. Ask questions about them and actually care about that other person and their interests. And then the last of those six principles is make the other person feel important and do it sincerely for crying out loud. Care.

It's not too much to ask. So that's the first part of the two part series. We're talking about a lot of part one and part two here. You ready to jump into the second part? Yeah. Lay it on me. I'm ready for the next, the next round of wisdom. Okay. So, so this is really about how to win people to your way of thinking. So now we're getting into this influence people part, right? And we've won them as a friend and now we want to influence. Yeah. So let's, I mean, the first thing let's talk about here is arguing. Okay. I hear, let me just, let's just make this simple. You can't win an argument. Don't try. So many people are like, I like to debate this. Don't. It's interesting because my wife has this great saying. She goes, you can't

tell somebody the truth when they already know it. So don't bother. Don't argue with people. Just appreciate that they have a perspective on it. Okay. Yeah. And there's like this old martial arts saying the best fight. One is the fight never fought. Wise words. Exactly. So the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. That's the first principle here. Okay.

Next one is you should show respect to other people's opinions. Don't ever tell somebody they're wrong. Appreciate the fact that they have their own opinions. Yeah. I was going to say, that's really huge in the sense of, I feel like a lot of times if I'm actively listening to someone and hear their point of view, that's different from mine. I always feel like if I acknowledge, like, you know, I can really understand where you're coming from and then kind of lead with that as saying like, you know, I've never thought

about it that way before. And I could see why you think that way. And then me trying to share my thoughts or opinions on an idea as well. True. Now let me ask you this, Mark. So you're, you're talking to this person about their opinion and you figure out you're wrong. Yeah. Now, so many people have an ego that's like, never admit when you're wrong. Right. It's like this little devil sitting on your shoulder. You're not wrong.

You're wrong. That's right. What happens if you figure out that you're wrong? What should you do, Mark? I think you instantly need to be like, I was wrong and I apologize. Correct. Admit it quickly and really empathetically. Yeah, Mark. I mean, it's, if you're wrong, admit it. You know, really there's, there's a certain degree of satisfaction for you and for them. It's kind of strange how that happens when somebody admits that they're wrong. That's an important part of this whole thing. The whole thing, you know, influencing

people is being humble. I mean, for crying out loud, it's right here behind me. That's right. Stay hungry, stay humble. Influencing people means you have to be willing to say, you know what, I was wrong. Okay. So that's a big part of this. That might even help you avoid a fight too. Yeah, totally. I mean, it's, it's interesting because ego satisfaction comes from knowing you were right. And the other person was wrong so much. And like, you know, even if you, let's say you cut somebody off in a parking lot and they honked and they're like flipping you off and everything. You're like, sorry, sorry. Instead of just getting real pissy with them, you just go,

Hey, my bad. Sorry. Yeah. You know, have a great day. It's done. Yeah,

it's done. And you know, cause you never know you're going to, you know, it's always weird when that happens in a parking lot, when somebody like steal somebody else's parking lot or whatever, you know where they meet at the front door. That's right.

Is it always happened that way? Yeah, exactly. You don't want to like flip somebody off and then like walk into Costco together. Totally. And you're, you're like, Oh, that's your cart. This one's mine. You know what?

So it's, you know, life has a way of reminding us of these things. It's kind of interesting. So admitting when you're wrong, you know, I think that's incredibly important. So another thing, begin in a friendly way. You know, we talked about smiling before, right? Why not be friendly? I love to hang out with happy people. I walked into a store the other day and Maggie, our daughter, you know maggie from the podcast that's right she was on the show maggie contos who was on the show my rock star one of my three rock stars i think

she plays uh you know drums or something in the rock band but uh maggie was so nice to these people she's like the the people are like hey how are how are you? And she's like, amazing. I'm going, I love that. You just started this conversation in a great way. Begin in a friendly way. I mean, this is so important. And then here's one, influencing people. This is fascinating. When you start influencing people, get them to say yes.

Get them to say yes. Like a, hey, Mark, it's a beautiful day outside, isn't it? You're like, yeah, it is. You're agreeing with me, right? Yeah. See, you just did it again. You get me to say yes. That's interesting. I like that. I, you know, I, you know, when I originally read that, I thought in my mind, it was something to do with like, you know, getting them to say yes to your thought in my mind it was something to do with like, you know, getting them to say yes to your sales pitch or something like that. But it's more of like those micro yeses, right? It's a beautiful day. Yes, it is.

Don't you love vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup? Yes. Aren't you a fan of chocolate chip cookies? Yes. You know me. Yeah. Why are you talking about food right now? I'm sorry. You know, I'm down for a little sugary snack or something like that.

But yeah, I like that. Those just, yes, yes, yes. I love that. I think that's, that's really great because so many people they're, they're closed off and it's a no and it's no, or it's a complaining. You get in the elevator and someone's like, oh, it's windy outside or it's too hot or too cold. And it's always something negative, but yes, is positive. Okay. So let's, let's take a look in the rear view mirror right now, Mark, because we just went through this very strategic way of connecting with people. First of all, we overcame any sort of argument. Don't argue with people. And if you're wrong, admit it, right? Safe to say? Yeah.

And then we started this in a great way, smiling, talking to them, getting them to say yes. It sounds like a sales process, doesn't it? Yeah. It really, fundamentally, by overcoming any challenges together, we've just accomplished something. I was humble. You got the ego just accomplished something. I was humble. You got the ego satisfaction of me saying I was wrong. If there was an argument of any sorts, and then we started talking and I got you to say yes. Now here's the next thing.

Here's the next thing. I remember we talked about going on dates and, you know, being interested in stuff like that. Let the other person do most of the talking now. Let them do the talking and deliver the ideas. Interesting. So now they're in the captain's seat of this whole conversation, doing the talking and delivering ideas. This is how influence works. It's called ownership. Ownership. So these people are developing ownership in this idea and the delivery of this and the agreeable aspects of it. And you're sitting there going, I like this because your work is almost done. Yeah. Of really the whole how to win friends. We talked about that step one, influence people. They're the ones in charge now.

And it's a mutual conversation. And now here's the interesting part. Here's the interesting part. You need to understand and agree with what they're saying. And a lot of people are like, well, I don't agree with everything everybody else says. Well, here's the reality is everybody has their own perspective on stuff. And to influence them, you have to

kind of work your way around in their perspective, not your perspective. Align with them. Yes. Exactly. Because when there's mutual clarity and alignment, there's agreement. There's agreement.

And we'll just take this another one deeper, okay? Sympathize. And then allow them to see your ideas and maybe throw down a challenge or something like that. So that you've accepted and acknowledged them. What do we want? We want to acknowledge me. We want people to understand and believe that our ideas are valid in life. We got over the argument in the beginning of this. That's a ways away. And then we started talking and they shared their ideas and we accepted those and we empathized with those. We're like, yes, I can see your perspective.

And hey, I have an idea also. What do you think about this? We just threw down a challenge. So kind of an interesting way of seeing that process of relationship building broken down. This is used fundamentally in a lot of different sales pitches, marketing, marketing. It's used a lot in, in relationship building, really in, in business negotiating things like that. Cause you can't get to finding an answer unless they're willing to share

their feelings. And you're open to that. Now here's, here's an interesting thing to think about when it comes to winning friends and influencing people. The reality is they don't care about your thoughts until you care about theirs. And somebody has to take that first step. Right. Right. And it's interesting because like, you know, when, when two people like Mark, you and I, we both care about each other's thoughts. So it's kind of interesting. We can sit down and throw a conversation out on the table and kind of bat it around. Like it's a chess game and go, what about this? What about that? And everybody's open. But when you don't have that mutual trust,

understanding humility, it's a little more difficult because people are protecting their ego territory. Yeah. It's like authentically creating that rapport with someone else. Exactly. It's caring about them before you believe they care about you. This is a giving game. It's a giving game. So that was the first half of influencing people. Let's say you have to call attention to somebody's mistakes

because there's going to be stuff that you disagree with. This is the hard part. This is really the hard part. So don't talk about their mistakes and don't talk about them. Nobody wants to be blamed. And in fact, it's human nature to blame people first. If there's something that's not right, not particularly the way that you want, you start blaming people. It's genetic. We seek blame on a person.

But if you actually look for the framework of what's going on and call praise and appreciation to their efforts, but talk about the framework of, hey, what do you think if this happened? You talk about the process, not the people. You do that by calling out the mistakes indirectly. And you might even say, hey, Mark, I love that idea, but what if I did it this way and it didn't work? How would you coach me through that? So you kind of talk about your mistakes first and the framework of you doing it instead of them doing it and get their guidance and oversight of, well, oh, okay. I might see that because now you're sharing humility in order to find the solution.

So how do we get there? We ask questions. Okay. We ask questions, Mark. Have you ever heard of the term or heard the word need and have it used in order, you need to do this? Oh, yeah. How does that make you feel? Like I don't want to do it. Right. Oh, my wife's listening to this because she's like,

don't ever use that word in that context. Well, you need to. Yeah, exactly. That's giving orders, right? Mm-hmm. Nobody likes to be given orders. Everybody likes to have questions. Right. Because they get to contribute when they have questions. They get beaten down when they get orders.

Condemnation. We grew up with, a task that needs to be undertaken, instead of going in and saying, well, you need to do this and I need to do that, even just if it's mutual need, it's better received by somebody if the question comes out of, hey, what do you think the best way is to accomplish this? How do you think we ought to start this? A little more soft, a little more ego saving, but no orders. And what that does is lets the other person save face. Allows them to save face.

I mean, what is saving face really it's protecting your ego yeah right so we as the understanding in this conversation of how to win friends and influence people need to understand that our ego is sacrificial in this whole thing our ego is sacrificial and it's fascinating because when you sacrifice your ego, you know what you do? You maintain control of your emotions and emotions drive behavior. Right. Fascinating.

It's all just great, great reminders. You know, I mean, I love, and I think it's so hard because we were all trying to protect our egos, right? So if you

can go into a relationship or a conversation worried about the other person's ego and not your own, it just seems like you'll come out on top no matter how things, you know, end up. Exactly. Exactly. Okay. So now here's, we're involved in a situation together. I'm influencing people. Okay. What do you think we've, we've gone through a challenge. We've gone through, okay, how do we break this down? How do we do it? We've come up with a framework for solutions. What do you think would be a good thing for me to throw in there now? And a lot of managers forget this part. Encouragement.

Oh yeah. Big one. Have you ever, have you ever put your kids to work on something? It's hard. And they're like, ah, this is frustrating,

whatever. And you can sit there and you can watch them get frustrated or whatever, knowing, okay, eventually they're going to figure it out. And you can go, ah, let them figure it out. Or you can go in and go, hey, I just want, I was just watching and I

saw this and you did a really good job on that. So well done. I mean, that puts some gas in the tank, doesn't it? Oh yeah. I mean, and that and that like motivates them to continue to, to, to be working and, and, uh, you know, pushing forward when I was a kid, I got the opposite. Well, it's like, it's like what I said before. I mean, so many of us, um, and really it's human nature. If you look at nature itself, um, the animal kingdom, the elder in the pack kind of beat down the younger in the pack. And you're grown through developing strength by fighting or condemnation or whatever it might be. You're forced to survive. We're more sophisticated as human beings than that, where we can build from below and help lift people up instead of crush

them down in order to get them to survive. Cause you know, nature is a cruel place when it comes to, if you can't survive, you're done. Yeah. We don't live in that world. We live in a world where, okay, we can help. We're smart enough to kind of work our way around this development. And I know, you know, in a future podcast, we're going to talk about deliberate practice and intentional development. And that's important because if we break down these different aspects, like what we're doing right now and how to win friends and influence people, there's a lot of deliberate practice and emotional control in this book. And that's really what it's about, is helping people understand and see that. So let's wrap this baby up, okay? Okay. Put a bow on it. Yes. We want people to really start

understanding. I mean, we come into this not knowing somebody, not trusting somebody, not understanding how they see their world, which we happen to live in as well. It's our world. It's their world. We all live in our own little spaces. So we have to come in and we have to emotionally connect, utilizing things such as their name, utilizing gratitude Utilizing gratitude and appreciation and attention and asking about them and finding out about their cares and really connecting. So now we're on the same team. Now we're on the same team. Now we have tasks. So we've met them.

Winning friends. Influencing people comes down to, all right, do we argue with them? No. Let's establish a framework for success together. And that's ultimately what we're working on here, is establishing a framework for success together. That's what this book is about, is building great teams as somebody who's the influential aspect of the team.

And you help develop that other person and do a hungry, humble, again, right up there behind me, human being that wants to be mutually accepting and mutually progressive in the challenges together. There's a lot of good stuff in this about that. That's where we're getting to here. And of course, it ends with reward. Reward. We have to give each other a pat on the back. We have to appreciate each other. We have to thank each other for putting forth that effort. But we also, when you look at the big picture, raise the bar in your own performance. Because when you are there working this way with that person, they will perform at the level that both of you work towards.

So that's how you win friends and influence people, Mark. It's fantastic. I think, I hope this was very helpful for anyone who was listening, who hasn't read the book yet. If you haven't read the book, it's a great read. And yeah, don't forget to go on to startwithawin.com. There you can get more content. Uh, also if you'd like to ask Adam a question, tell us your start with a win story, give us a call and leave us a message at 888-581-4430.

And if you're not subscribed to the podcast subscribe go over to itunes wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to the show and until next time start with a win Bye.