Start With A Win - How To Win Friends - Part 1

Episode Date: June 16, 2021

In this solocast of Start With A Win, Adam and Producer Mark talk about some of the key insights in Dale Carnegie’s 1936 classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Adam calls it one of the best books for showing how we should treat each other. Although the book is nearly a century old, its lessons on understanding the intrinsic desires of human beings resonate even today.One of the first tips they explore is the idea that “if you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.” In short: don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. Usually, this is because it’s human nature to react when someone criticizes you. So try to be nice to people, even when it doesn’t necessarily serve you to do so. People don’t want to help you if you’re beating on them. It takes a specific maturity to consider external forces unfolding when a situation doesn’t go the way you want. Another principle they discuss is that you should show honest and sincere appreciation. Adam shares a story of a time that he and his family were in the drive-thru at a coffee shop. Seeing that the barista had spent a lot of time on what you’d say was a unique face of makeup, Adam’s daughter, Ashley, tells her that she loved her makeup. Her eyes lit up, Adam recalls, and it changed the entire tone of their interaction. It was remarkable how an honest and sincere compliment elevated a routine coffee run into a memory.The book also suggests that the only way to influence people is to arouse their “want.” As often as he can, Mark sets an example for his children to intentionally say the names of people he interacts with while in stores. He shares a story about how he once left a grocery store with his children, and they asked him how he knew everyone’s names. He took it as an opportunity to teach them about acknowledging people in service positions and how valuable it can be.Finally, and perhaps most importantly, you should seek to elevate others’ interests. Show that you are interested in them rather than in yourself. Think about how you can help others rather than yourself, and see how many people you can make smile.  Connect with Adam:https://www.startwithawin.com/https://www.facebook.com/REMAXAdamContoshttps://twitter.com/REMAXAdamContoshttps://www.instagram.com/REMAXadamcontos/ Leave us a voicemail:888-581-4430

Every day is filled with choices. You're here because you're choosing to start with a win. Get ready to be inspired, learn something new, and connect with the win nation. I'm a D from Denver, Colorado. Adam Contos, CEO of Remax here with Start With A Win and producer Mark doing that shoulder dance. You like that shoulder shuffle? If you're not watching this on YouTube, you can head over there and subscribe and see the shoulder shuffle a la Mark Labriola. That's right. The dose. That's right. I got a question for you, Mark. Okay. What is that question?

Do you understand kind of some of the fundamental psychological techniques, time-tested, of really creating great relationships and influencing those relationships? And I don't mean in a manipulative way. I mean in a kind way. Yeah, like an authentic way. You know, I'm sure, I'm sure that I do, but I feel like, um, a lot of it is subconscious, you know, like I'm sure when you start breaking these down and explaining, it's like, oh, I do that. I just didn't know I did that, you know, or that's that, that was

actually a process in a, you know, relationship building. Yeah. It's funny because, I mean, so Dale Carnegie in 1936 wrote a book called How to Win Friends and Influence People. And I think this is one of the best, I don't want to say leadership books, but I'll just say people books out there to remind us of how should we treat each other. And there are a lot of interesting concepts, keep in mind, written in the 1930s. So there's a little bit different perspective on how we viewed society and things of that nature. But ultimately, these are concepts of the heart, of how we think and process information emotionally, and some really good ideas here. So what do you say we dive into a few of these concepts? Because this is really,

really good information for our listeners to just reflect on and actually go, do I build this into my day, into my life and my interactions with people? So ready to get started? Yeah, let's do this. I think, again, like you just said, I think it's extremely important too, because I know a lot of people suffer from anxiety when getting around other people and not sure how to maybe interact or communicate. It doesn't come naturally to everybody. I am aware of that. And so, yeah, I think it's great to be reminded of this as well as maybe even learn something new.

Awesome. All right. So first, I want to talk about some fundamental techniques in handling people. And I don't like the word handling because you're not controlling them. So I think these are fundamental techniques in relationships more than anything. And this first one is actually the analogy that Carnegie gives is fantastic. And that is, if you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive. So let's kind of unpack that. I mean, really, this principle more than anything is don't criticize, condemn, or complain. And people are like, well, what if I have a problem with something? Well, hang on a second here. How do we walk in and give people constructive, positive

information that they're going to feel good about receiving. Because if you listen to different psychological techniques and people, as soon as they start being attacked or criticized, they take it personally, right? It's human nature. And Carnegie says that gets you nowhere. It's kind of a cool concept when you try to figure out, how do I set up this conversation? How do I set up this relationship without torpedoing it first? Which it's interesting because in this part of society, for some reason, we like to go in and just throw poison on each other or something like that. It's very easy to criticize. Oh, totally. Totally. Yeah. I mean, people are, you know, where's the manager? Just the concept of, all right,

are you going to gather the honey? Are you going to ask for something? Are you going to get something? And this is anywhere in life, anywhere, any place. Don't kick over the beehive. It's fascinating because a lot of times it's not your, this is saying don't approach negatively, but you also have, if somebody approaches you negatively, you have the opportunity to take advantage of that situation as well. Not in a leveraged position, but to kind of steer the kindness, if you will, in it. Yeah. You can really defuse the problem, right? Like you can really defuse something if you respond in kindness and patience. Correct.

You have a good shot at it. Obviously, it depends on their response to your defusing of the issue. I told my kids, I remember I told my son one time, he didn't do something I asked him to do. I don't even remember what it was. I just remember the fact that he taught me a lesson during that. Cause I had, uh, I had explained to my kids, if somebody starts arguing with you and they tell you something that they're very passionate about, appreciate that. Just go, thank you. And then stop. And you know, you basically have rewrited the beehive after they kicked it over.

Set it up right. Yeah. So my wife's standing there, Kelly. She's watching this whole thing. And I told Jack. And he's like, thank you, Dad. And I'm like, OK, I guess I'm done. But it's how do you treat people?

I mean, it's, you know, and this principle, don't criticize, condemn, or complain is important. It's really important. So the second principle here is, you know, give honest and sincere appreciation. Okay? Honest and sincere appreciation. The reality is everyone likes a compliment.

Everyone. But just receiving a compliment of any kind is game-changing. And I remember a situation. My wife and my daughter Ashley and my daughter Maggie and I were in a drive-thru at a coffee shop. And we're out in Arizona. And we pull up, and the girl helping us at the drive-thru at a coffee shop. And we're out in Arizona. And we pull up. And the girl helping us at the drive-thru had some really unique makeup on. And she was wearing her COVID mask and things like that. But you could see that she spent a lot of time and effort on her makeup. And it was really pretty. It was really unique, the way that she had done it.

And my daughter, Ashley, as soon as we pulled up, she leaned out the window and she goes, I really love your makeup. And this girl just stopped for a moment and was beaming ear to ear. I mean, you could literally, like her face almost absorbed her COVID mask because she was smiling so big.

But you could see her eyes lit up. She's like, thank you so much. That was the biggest compliment I've got all day. And that changed our entire interaction with that girl. I mean, she wasn't treating us poorly to begin with, but she was treating us the very best she could from that point. And we had great conversations. She's like, what are you guys up to today? Is there anything else I can get for you? Can I help you with this? Is this warm enough? Do you want to stop her for your coffee? And we're just sitting in the drive-thru getting our coffees. And she's like, OK, are you sure there's nothing else? Thank you for coming. I mean,

it was really an amazing situation by paying a compliment. Honest and sincere appreciation. My daughter meant it. It wasn't a situation of, okay, we're doing this for any other reason other than it's sincere. Because without sincerity, it's flattery. Flattery is fake. And it makes a big difference. Yeah, flattery will get you nowhere, as they say.

Yeah, totally. Flattery will get you nowhere. Be sincere, for crying out loud. And I mean, think about this when you're running a business. What do we as business leaders not do enough? We don't pay compliments enough. What do we do too much? We look for things that people are doing wrong too much.

So we're kind of running against both of these concepts. So you're running a business and you just think of any meeting or situation you go into and you can start to tell. It's pretty simple when people are getting a little uneasy about what they're about to say. They talk around in circles. They're like, okay, here's the reasons they justify everything because they don't want to be condemned for what they're about to say. So, you know, you really need to care and get them to want. Right. And that's the, you know, the next principle, arousing the other person in eager want. So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. So you've set the foundation with great interaction, compliments, things like that, and then arouse their want and then show them how to get it.

Because everybody wants. We have these desires. So it's kind of fascinating when you look at this. Essentially, that first chunk, those three things that I just talked about, don't criticize, condemn, or complain, give honest and sincere appreciation, and arouse in the other person an eager want, that's a great foundation for dealing with anybody. In sales or just being a, you walk up to the counter at McDonald's or something like that and you want some fries, have a conversation with people. Yeah. It's almost like something that you need to, maybe before you start your day,

like you wake up going into your day thinking about these things on how can I practice one of these principles today? And I know you talk a lot about kindness and giving to others. And I think these things, even though they are very simple, they're also very difficult because we're so self-absorbed and we're so busy and we have things that we need to get done and we are on a mission to complete something. And so when you look at these first three that you shared, it makes us slow down really when you're in a transaction. That's a great point, Mark. And I'm going to get into part two here, ways to make people like you. And that is one of the concepts that's in here. So I mean,

you hit the nail on the head. So let's run through these real quick. Ways to make people like you. First of us become genuinely interested in other people. Have you noticed that so many people want to just go talk about themselves? Yeah. Think about that. People are interested ultimately in, I mean, three words, me, myself, and I. And that's not to be selfish, but nobody, and I've said it a million times, it's a famous quote, I think like George Washington or somebody like that said it, nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. So you have to care about them in the process, become genuinely interested in other people, love to hear their stories and be interested in listening, not listening to talk. So big difference there. A lot of people

listen for their ability to jump in and talk. And it's interesting. We're doing essentially a radio show here. So we have to be listening for each other to pause and we jump in because that's kind of part of the gig here. But you've got to listen in order to find out instead of just listening to talk. So fascinating concept. Next one. And I know you like this one. Smile.

What a simple idea, right? Yeah, very simple. Psychologists have proven that smiling to people when you first meet them changes how you meet them. People who smile tend to manage, teach, and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. From Professor James McConnell, psychologist at the University of Michigan. Proven fact. And nobody cares if you like your smile or not. They like your smile. You're giving them something that only you can give them, and that's your smile. Here's the cool part about it.

They're free, and you never run out of them. That's right. Yeah. What if people were known for resting smiling face? We got to practice that. The resting smiling face. That's a good one. I like that. I mean, thank goodness there's smiling emojis, right?

Yeah. I love the smiling emoji. Communicate so much. Totally. But Mark, you shoot a lot of videos. A lot of people get on video and they're like this. And for those of you listening, I have that resting, not happy face. But the reality is a smile is a greeting card.

And it tells people that they can either trust you or not trust you. They're either threatened or not threatened by you. It's a subconscious reading of them. And it either opens up their ability to listen or it closes their ability to listen because they're on guard. So it's fascinating, but smile. And then here's another one. Remember that a person's name, Mark, is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. That's so powerful. I can think about times when I've been in a conversation with somebody and then they use my name and it's almost like a little trigger like, oh, wow. Well, Mark, let me tell you something. And it's like, oh, one, like, oh, wow. Like, well, Mark, let me tell you something, you know?

And it's like, oh, like one is you remembered my name. And two, like the fact that you said it in a conversation just made me feel like, I don't know, but just more secure or more appreciated or something. It, it does. It is. I mean, that's the sound that we hear. If you're in a crowded room and you hear your name, that's the sound that we hear. If you're in a crowded room and you hear your name, that's the sound that you hear out of everything else. So you think about that. It is truly magic

when you use people's names. And Dale Carnegie said that he could remember, I mean, millions of names. I mean, just tons of them because he focused on it. He knew that that was important to people. And I don't think as many people wore a name tag in 1936 as they do now. It's an opportunity. So use it. Well, I think too, remembering someone's name too is a practice of being present. When you meet somebody, a lot of times in our head, we're thinking about, okay, what are we going going to ask the question we're going to ask what you know you know do i have anything in my teeth you know you're thinking about all these things you're meeting somebody and a lot of times we forget what that person's name is right after we met them you know it's like they'll say their

name and we're so absorbed with ourselves not being present that we'll forget their name within two three minutes of meeting them. And so really it's a practice of being present. That's a good point, Joe. Wait, what was your name again? So Mike, you know, fun little exercise. Start calling somebody as many different names until they stop My name's Mark, Adam. All right. Doug. Okay, so moving on. I love this one. And we've got just a couple of these left. But be a good listener.

Encourage others to talk about themselves. And we talked about that. Be interested. Don't try and be interesting. Try and be interested. Yeah. So be a good listener. It gives you the ability to learn about them,

to learn about their needs, wants, desires, challenges, opportunities, things of that nature. And it's great because it also gives you some information to talk about them when you're feeding that back. It was funny. When I was a little kid, I remember, I think it was my uncle or something like that told me, he goes, hey, okay, so you're going that back. It was funny. When I was a little kid, I remember, I think it was my uncle or something like that told me, he goes, hey, okay, so you're going to start dating.

Don't tell them about you. Ask about them. And I'm like, ooh, that's some good information there. And that's really what life is about, is finding out about other people. They will have the same intention when they see what your intention is. They'll be like, Oh Mark,

tell me about yourself. You know, why are there guitars hanging in the background and you're on your video or do you like to sing or what are you doing on your weekends? Do you have kids? Whatever it might be. Be interested, not interesting.

Yeah. Nothing is more draining than when you get done with the conversation and you know, someone has just talked about themselves the whole time, you know? And I always feel like themselves the whole time, you know. And I always feel like the best conversations are when there's that ebb and flow of you asking them questions and them responding and then them being interested in generally in you and asking you questions. And then when you leave that conversation, you feel kind of filled up and you feel like, oh, wow, I really enjoyed that time or that conversation, that meeting, you know.

Exactly. You know, it's like when you're at a networking event, everybody's running around trying to give you their resume verbally. It doesn't do it for me. I want to go ask the questions and let them answer the questions and listen to that and learn about them instead of them telling me why they're so special, why they're so cool. And this one plays right into that. Talk in terms of other person's interests. What helps them? What are their challenges and what did they do to overcome those? So it kind of plays into that last one of be interested and then talk about their interests. Use the words that they use. And you hear it a lot. Tell me like I'm five. I've heard that term before. Tell me like I'm five. And that's not to be condescending to

somebody, but talking their interests. And what you can do is you start broad when you're telling them like you're five, and then you start to narrow it down and understand what words, desires, challenges they have so you can talk about what they're interested in. And I have one more here, Mark, from the first couple parts of how to win friends and influence people. What is that? Make other people feel important and do it sincerely.

I mean, we all have a contribution in this world, on this planet. The reality is you wouldn't get on that airplane if it wasn't for that person standing there at the counter letting you on the airplane. you wouldn't get on that airplane if it wasn't for that person standing there at the counter letting you on the airplane. You wouldn't be able to eat if it wasn't for the person serving you or creating your food. There's just so many things that happen in life. Thank them for what they do and be sincere about it.

You know, make them feel like they're making a difference. You know, you made a difference for me today. Thank you. And watch the surprise on their face. Because all of these things, it's interesting, all of these things have been forgotten in society because we're so ready to file a complaint with the manager to get a free dessert or something like that.

We need to reverse course and go back and figure out how to win friends and influence people again. These things are important. They are. They're a great reminder. And, you know, if you're listening to this today, tonight, whenever that is, you know, this was meant for you. You needed to hear this so that you could be reminded, um, of, uh, what it looks like to be, uh, a good person and, and, uh, somebody who is, uh, successful. So yeah. Uh, Adam, how can we encourage our listeners to start with a win? What is one thing we can tell them to maybe challenge themselves this week? I think the biggest thing we could do, and when you look at these principles, the biggest thing you can do is ask yourself, how can I make this person happy? Because ultimately,

if that's the best that you can create in life is your kindness and happiness and give somebody some fulfillment for what they do and their accomplishment in life, they're going to want to go and do more. And they're going to want to get better and better and better because they're being rewarded for their actions. So that's ultimately what this is about. In fact, the next series on this, we're going to do two more parts of the book and we're going to get into some leadership and how can you help people find a greater self. And I look forward to that. But until then, practice these principles and see how many people you can make smile. I love that. What a world it would be if we all looked at how we could enrich other people's lives. So, Hey, thanks guys for listening to

start with a win. Uh, if you'd like to ask Adam a question or tell us your start with a win story, uh, give us a call and leave us a message at 888-581-4430. Don't forget to go onto iTunes and subscribe. If you just listen passively or get onto your device and search for the show, hit that subscribe button, because then you'll automatically get the episode as soon as it airs and you won't have to think about it. For more great content, blog posts, motivational quotes, all sorts of great stuff, head over to startwithawin.com. And if you want to follow Adam on other platforms, he's there. YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. And remember, start with a win.