Stavvy's World - #103 - Colin Quinn

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

The great Colin Quinn joins the pod to discuss his new special STAMPS & TEA, the MTV golden days, helping his teacher score grass, the crushing feeling of moving back in with your parents, delusional comedians, taking it upon his younger more naive self to rewrite Crocodile Dundee 2, and much more. Colin and Stav help callers including a woman who's offended that her husband ignores all the memes she sends, and a woman who is curious -- oh, for no reason in particular -- what the marriage timeline of a couple in their 30s should be. Visit https://mintmobile.com/stavvy to get a 3-month premium wireless plan for just $15/month. Get a refreshing Twisted Tea today. Keep It Twisted!! Visit https://www.twistedtea.com/locations to find Twisted Tea near you. Watch Colin Quinn's election special STAMPS & TEA out now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44Z3spwqAmk Follow Colin Quinn on social media: https://x.com/iamcolinquinn https://www.instagram.com/iamcolinquinn https://www.facebook.com/ColinQuinnOfficial/ https://www.tiktok.com/@iamcolinquinn   Watch LET'S START A CULT!! Buy or rent at https://stavvy.biz/movie [Thank you Caleb Pitts and Patrick Doran for helping us Keep It Twisted.] Bonus episodes every week! Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

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Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavvy's World. 904-800-STAV. Colin will solve all your problems. We're very happy to be joined today by Colin Quinn. How about a nice round of applause, Elvis, for the legend CQ on the couch. Yeah.

What do you say, Colin? You said you judge everybody's opening. How did we do? I like the opening. I just hate when people love like, like hard rock, like where's, it's like, son, you're not radio for shock jocks from the 90s, asshole.

Oh, it makes me mad. We gotta grab the attention. it's all about the algorithm It is funny that stand-up comedy I remember starting it and being like yeah, it's all about the craft I'm just gonna do my jokes right and I was like radios, you know, I used to like listening to certain shows but I was like those shockios, you know, I used to like listening to certain shows, but I was like, those shock jocks are clowns. And then somehow, yeah, just you're like, oh, I'll be a guest on someone's podcast 10 years ago. And then here we are 10 years later.

And I'm like, call the number folks and leave us a voicemail. That's a shock. I was around for the real shot. Yes. Yes. Yes So the shock jocks would come in and it was really an interesting dynamic Yeah, because they kind of hated comedians, of course except for certain ones, especially all of us who were like We're not doing our bits for these. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we won't dance set us up in a bit Yeah, they'd be like hey man And you can tell they resent it cuz you know, they've done a couple of stand-up nights with their radio and it bombed.

Yes, yes, yes. So there would be this hostility. Yes, of course. A lot of times with the jock where it was like back and forth. And we all thought they had a bad attitude. We didn't know we also had a bad attitude. Of course. Oh my God.

We didn't even notice that part. Yeah, you're pissed to just be awake that early. I was never good one time when they made me go. And thank God it was dying by the time I started headlining. I was like I only had to do it a handful of times I did with Bobby a couple times and I couldn't believe we were up at four. Yeah, what the fuck? What is this? How could this possibly help ticket sales? It didn't feel Yeah, that's a weird thing local radio really do is the only thing that worked for ticket sales

You can do let him in and be like I'll be here in Cleveland. I didn't mean anything But if you did local radio, it was your only thing that worked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, hopefully this helps this yeah This helps it's gonna dance in the needle Stamps into stamps and tea. I was I'm so happy. I didn't do it in the opposite direction Stamps and to stamps and tea. I was I'm so happy I didn't do it in the opposite direction I almost said tea and stamps stamps and tea well you special on YouTube right pause right now. Don't even watch this bullshit Collins got a Collins got a special right now about the election. That's you know, it's over now We Trump has declared martial law by the time you're listening to this podcast. It's over By the time you're listening to this podcast, it's over. Kamala has given $400 billion more to Israel, or Trump has also done that and declared martial

law. But watch the pod. Watch the special. Think about a more quaint time when we could have specials before they're outlawed. So that's nice. This will come out in maybe a couple of weeks. I don't even know when, but. Nice.

Whatever. It'll fade in. Nothing matters. Well, that's it. Everything's saturated so much. Maybe a couple weeks. I don't even know when but Well, that's it everything's saturated so much now, yeah that nothing does matter on a certain level You just do it, you know, there's something freeing almost about absolutely Absolutely. Yeah, like everybody's just like wait. I'm sorry. I missed your last two specials. Yeah I know it is everything's just one big morass and well But it's also because you're uh, which you guys knew which it took me years to understand myself But because I was old but you guys understood you're a small business and that's it. Yeah, everybody's your own business

That is actually yeah. Yeah, and that's it. Everybody's your own business. That is actually, yeah, yeah. And that's it. There's no show business, you're your own business. Yeah, yeah. Some are bigger, some are small, but they're all stores. It's helpful to come from, that is how every Greek looks at everything. Yes.

It is kind of, and we couldn't be more on the nose here. I'm a Greek small business owner whose number one employee is an underpaid Albanian with no training. That's great. That's perfect. On the job learning, baby. On the job learning. Hilarious. Thank God it's just podcast producing. The Albanians in, you know, I used to work in the Bronx in the 80s and the Albanians are just becoming well known. And everybody said the same thing, which is, they're not a lot of them, but if you wanna go,

they're going all the way. Yeah. Yeah. They only were like about six blocks to cater, a few blocks in the West Bronx, and they were not playing games. Yeah. And nobody respected them

because the Bronx was so wild in the 80s. Sure, sure. And I was in, from Brooklyn, I worked there. But they would just they just did not play games. Yeah, they would fight to the death. And it was really respected. And it should be. Well, we have a kindler, gentler Albanian. He's been through a couple.

You know, I'm not a valiant. I'm plotting. Oh, really? You want to take over the new world order, man? Great. The empire has passed. No passed not did don't fight listen You know like mountain people right there it is true very real elders did his 23 and me and he is to what is it 99% one little fucking my sister did it But yeah, we're pretty fucking thoroughbred

My sister did it, but yeah, we're pretty fucking thoroughbred 99% like southeastern like mountain like five my five square mile patch is where this comes from So funny We Montenegro it's a great movie now Close the I did 22 mean 97% Irish and 3% some Ireland off the coast of Ireland. Oh wow. Wow Yeah, I thought I'd be like, oh, you know, you know, no all these exotic things a little something Yours did you do one my brother did we're pretty much what you'd expect Greek Greek Mediterranean You know a little little bit He's a little bit some strains of of Middle Eastern, some shit like that.

You know, do you go to Greece? I do. Yeah, it's great. It's absolutely incredible. It's amazing. I so you worked in the. I mean, it was fascinating about because you said you lived here. Yeah, you really are the most New York guy I can think of in pretty New York. Non-Italian division. Right. You know, it's like, honestly, what is the most Irish? He's the most New York guy ever. Interesting.

Curtis Lee, we know every street has the greatest story from every street. Yeah. But it's cause cause you grew up in Brooklyn. Right. And then you said you were in the Bronx. And then when we were texting about doing the podcast, you said you lived in the story of which, how do you, how does that happen? Because I lived a couple of blocks from insane. Cause like, if you grew up in like people don't want to live here now and you grew up in Brooklyn, why did you move to Astoria? I don't I don't know. Well, my friend got an apartment and I was you know I don't know why but I mean it was it was crazy. It was so inconvenient Yeah, you know, of course even father was down by the bus depot, but I mean so it was really convenient

I didn't last I only lasted a few months. But how old, like what age were you when you moved? 25, 26, 1985. And you never left? You were here the whole time? You never moved, like? I lived in LA for a couple of years. But yeah.

I like LA. I liked it at the time. Everyone was like, oh, you must have hated it, but LA is very seductive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You really get into it. If you love your car, you love LA, you know the car guy No, no, but I mean either but I'm safe. Yeah. I mean sure a nice car

You're in a little bubble. You know what I mean? You're in a bubble. You have to be your cause your life Yeah, you're always in a car You ever see that movie swingers where they all get in their car to go to one place and then you'll get in the car That's how I lay it. Yes, everybody gets their own car for every little man Nobody gets to go five blocks. Yeah, all right, man. It's so weird. Yeah, it's so I I think it's a great visit town, but I do love I mean, New York, New York fucking rocks But it's just so funny to think of you moving from did you go you grew up in Park Slope? Yeah, which that's is that weird to you now where it's like a

Must be insanely different. It wasn't just Irish No, no, it was very mixed. Okay. Okay. It was very it was the most it was like multi It was black Puerto Rican Irish Italian Jewish everybody lived there interesting and it was really it was really probably one of the earliest neighborhoods That was like that, but it was but it, it wasn't bad, but it had wild, there was wild things happening all over there. But it was, it's hard to describe on New Yorker's Day, it's like, you still were like, loved it.

But there was things happening. Like sometimes you look on the news now and you see like a horrendous crime, like that wouldn't even make the paper What are you gonna print that for yeah, I got 20 of them Yeah, it was a weird New Yorkers a different vibe was the park really fucked up because we grew up in East Baltimore Elders live by a park that when we were kids Yeah, you couldn't walk through at night and now it's like like the most you know, the most You couldn't walk through at night and now it's like like the most you know, the most mellow

Play like he had a he had a friend got the shit kicked out of him for his basketball by like 20 kids and I assume the actual park was the park wild back central park. No, no in parks prospect park prospect park. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, well we used to play sports up there. No, I mean people would go up there We but it wasn't but it was empty. was the part it's like any other park you go to a park in the nicest place in the world at night there's a nice thing society has figured out it's like look don't you don't go to the park it's the nicest only richest place in the world yeah you need homeless guys jacking off somewhere they need a haven to commit sex crimes on each other somewhere. That's right Piece of urban planning

Were you in ever were you in now this is good. This is gonna be offensive were you in a street gang? Were you playing dice combing your hair? Irish Rovers or something like that Wow 70s was also gonna be like the way it'll probably go after this was right after the 60s Yeah, you know people are hyper political now sure, so these are called like the apathetic generation. Yes. Yes, the 70s everybody made fun of you know and gangs were kind of there was gangs but it wasn't like a Like the 60s people were like okay, it was kind of like old-fashioned gang sure sure people were more independent

I feel like and that was yeah. Yeah, like it was just a different time of drugs I mean, it was such a drug time sure and I feel like it was just like you if you listen to music from the 70s. It's very Hedonistic right and even the soft rock was like trying to be in a good mood Yeah, yeah, because people are like, okay, we get it. You're political from the 60s But those people got older that and then the next generation makes fun of whatever the old of course, of course Oh, I mean, absolutely I do think the younger kids now I mean, I mean

Millennials will be are already starting to be our generation is starting to be the most shit on for being corny and just like I mean Which happens all the time, but it's like all the political. I think the hope I Certainly feel the angle in myself of like, in college when Obama was there, wow, things are actually gonna be good, nothing good happens at all whatsoever. And then wait, Bernie, maybe we'll have fucking healthcare in this country and then that doesn't, and then not only do we not get that,

but fucking Trump happens and then I certainly feel being 35, fuck, you know, weirdly disillusioned, I can't imagine what the kids now feel like. I could see us returning to apathy and then just kind of being like checked out and maybe even too much. I mean, I keep hoping there'll be like Luddites, like a generation of kids that are like,

all this being this online is fucking stupid. But then you meet some of these kids, you're like, I never see that. I think they're constantly used to being on the internet. Yeah, they're not even gonna think of it that, they won't think of it as like a weird thing. It would be like saying, hey, I hope the next generation doesn't buy cars

and drive across. Right, right, right. Doesn't use the phone. It's just part of a line. Yeah, yeah, doesn't call each other. It's just part of it, you know? Yeah, yeah. But they're probably not gonna, they'll probably mock any attempts by people to be like, here's the way it is, here's what this stands for, like it's probably the bigger ideas, I'm assuming.

So you were an apathetic youth is what you're saying? Oh yeah. I mean, I was just a party, I mean, I would just go out and, you know, in those days, pot. It's so funny because everybody smoked pot, because my high school teacher, one of my of my math teachers I was terrible at math he moved to Park Slope and I saw him in the street I go hey you live in the area yeah man listen can you turn me into somebody with good pot just moved in

you're in high school I was literally in high school and he came up to me without worrying about any repercussions and he said this guy's a drug guy I've seen him try multiply He can't do fucking he can't do long division He knows how to get fucking pills and weed or something brought him right up to my friend. Mm-hmm And I said listen, this is the guy you guys my teacher and And nobody he wasn't like teacher. Yeah was like, oh, okay, you know, like I don't sell, like he was just like, I don't sell nickels.

And the guy's like, I know, I'm a teacher. I'm not gonna buy a nickel bag. You know, he's just, Hey, come on, I'm an adult. I'm gonna buy $30 worth of weave. He just sold a weave. Yeah. And it's like, that's the whole,

so it was really a pot society. Like that's why with Saturday Night Live came on. Yes We all loved it. You really watch the burn middle of a party side course who somebody put on the background Yeah, because they were saying non-verbally we smoke pot of course. That was a whole subtext Yeah, yeah, and they had a couple little references and right so we were just like yeah This is a long hander just you could tell them you get night They make a little reference to it. Yeah, we're like this is our show and that's all it took is just be like This is ours. This is it. We're not I have to watch fucking gun smoke reruns, right?

It was just a little bit older like carbonate show is a hilarious show. Yeah Really funny so funny. We watch it all the time and laughed. But they weren't, they weren't, they weren't getting high. You could just tell. Of course, of course. They didn't smoke pot. Yeah, of course, of course. And this was the first show, so SNL, that's why it became so huge.

Interesting. It was that show that was just like, yeah, we all get high, you know. Wow, to go from like the, it started from being high to now being, I don't know that there is a more establishment show than Saturday Night Live at this point. It is complete. I mean, you can trace what that generation,

I mean, Lorne Michaels is a great example of like the outside fucking drunk guy to, you know, it just shows, it just traces what it was like to be, to go from the seventies to being like a successful person in 2030 which now it's like yeah, but I mean I know you you know what that an interesting it's like To go to what an entity starts at to now it sort of is like I mean I think it is the most established media property. I can't even fucking think of it's the only one left It's the only show people watch and think of.

It's the only one left. Yeah. Because I mean, that's what his thing was. Like, here's what Lorne Michaels really understood something because he came to New York, he watched something at taping there, back when he was a kid. Yeah.

It hit him forever. He's like, I wanna do a show on that stage. Yeah, yeah. Got to do a show. But he understood that live live live and to Everybody always asked me in a show when he got saved but like no it's live. Oh, yeah, I forgot But also because he started in the 70s. Yeah, you would watch him do what no other Show what I could do. He pushed around those executives. Mmm, like he just they told him, yeah, we can't afford that,

he's like, yeah, just do it, don't worry about that. And he just pushed them around. Because only in the 70s, that mentality, where you could get away with telling the heads of things, he's like, no, they don't tell us what to do. We tell them what to do. And I'm telling you, that was why it lasted. Because he just, and they're like, it's too much this year.

He was like, no, I'd cut this, but don't listen to it. Yeah. Was it still like that when you were, yeah. Yeah. Oh wow. So in the nineties, he was still like that. He was like, he would just, you know, make fun of them and he'd just be like, well, okay, well, we'll take that under

advisement. Like he's just sarcastic to them. Right. Like he's like, no, I know you've run a lot of funny things and like that's great that's that somebody did that somebody did it yeah so he was uh and then now it's a different thing so crazy because it's for you to get your perspective on that cuz like I have always thought of him as the guy who is you know what I mean like I know of course you can get away you know because it's like, I grew up on,

you're like the first cast I remember is like, maybe shortly before you got there through the Will Fair, so it's like, it was already such a thing. Eddie Murphy already happened so much in that one, but it is, you know. Well, you know, I'm not gonna trash them on the 50th anniversary. Oh, right, of course. I think it's in bad taste.

I'm not trashing. It's the 50th year. But if I try to get the invite, huh? But if I try to get the invite to do 50th anniversary. Oh, right. I'm not trashing. It's the 50th. Yeah. But if I try to get the invite, huh? But if I try to get the invite to do 50th anniversary weekend update, want to be right there with Jay? I mean, no, I don't want any of that. They're bringing in, I saw Dana Carvey's in there. Where's the Colin call phone call? You know? Oh God.

No, I mean, I'm invited to the show, I guess. I mean, that was, it was I guess but I don't know I mean That was it was a weird fit. Let's just put it that way for my yeah. You had a nice run though Yeah, it was funny. It was fine. Yeah folks, if you know me, you know, I love a great deal I love great deals more than you can ever imagine But it's gotta be easy easy. No hoops, no BS. So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for 15 bucks a month with the purchase of a three month plan, I called them on it. I was like, let's see about that. Turns out it really is that easy

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insane interesting careers of the levels of you know, the first thing is probably the MTV. MTV was really when that when that was like right at the at its most culturally, it was amazing when I was on MTV. And yeah, how literally is the early 80s? No, no, like 88 89. Okay.

Okay. We would go places. They would they would say it. All these like news cameras be filming some kids event wherever it was And kids be like yeah, make it fun of the news guy get out of my way. We sure MTV camera showed up They would all just be like Now we're talking it was such a generational thing for them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah those years especially Yeah, where they were just blown away, you know.

And you guys, you were like the sidekick on the, what was the remote control? Remote control, I was like, Kenny Obe's sidekick. Yeah. And Kenny Obe, who died recently, he was so quick. He was a funny, he was a guy that did a lot of crowd work in comedy and he was so funny and quick. And like you, he's very erudite. Like his references were just, when he's talking to the crowd, you're like taking it to a plane like you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, appreciate that.

It's true. And it's funny, you know, because I never thought that about him till just now when I'm talking about this. Like I knew he was quick, but we'd do these shows and I mean, I'd be crying. And the crowd would laugh too. Yeah, yeah.

Because he would just like always have a reference where you're like, who's just good at that, you know What a nice get hat and you just get that and and that I mean at that time that was the biggest Like that was the most emerging media thing you were you just got to be like were you biggest was anything happening before? Was it your career was anything going on before that only with stand-ups? You know, I was always uh, You know as Jay Morof and said said, I was always a dog whistle. Only standups. And then after, during the MTV thing, all these networks set up these meetings with me

because I was popular. I went in and when I tell you, I sabotaged every one of them. It was pretty impressive. Not on purpose. Not on purpose. No, no, trying to make a good impression. Trying to make an impression. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then walking out and calling my agent and he's like, what did you say? And I go, what? I left, it was great. It was great. Every time. And then years later, I look back and I go, oh, oh, oh, that's what you said. And I did that for a long time. And then I got a little reputation.

I remember my ex-manager from the late 90s goes, hey, you know, you have a reputation as, you know, he said Duane Thomas was this famous old football player when I was growing up, which was great running back, bad mindset. And I go, what? I go, who said that? And even then I was like, he's gotta be making up. Nobody's talking about me. They have nothing better to do than think. But I guess in their world, not that they're talking about you,

but they have you in a category where they ask around and people go, yeah, he's a fucking, you know. People go, he's got an attitude problem Yeah, you thought you were like I thought I was half dancing for them well I used to yeah, yeah, I used to go in there and it's it there and just imagine the Arians first of all I'm smoking Second of all all the young people in their office are like, hey, when I come in, they will fucking love me from MTV. Now I'm sitting with these old fucks.

They have a sitcom. The sitcom sucks. Right, of course. I tell them, it sucks, but me and my friends will fix it for you. But again, I didn't know producer was the writer. So I didn't know they wrote the show too. So I'm telling people to their face, it's hack. I mean, I'm not saying they did this once.

I did this 8 to 12 times. Sitting room and their faces getting angry and me never putting it together. Hey man, the thing you fucking poured your soul into for two years, dog shit. Me and the guy that I do cocaine with though, you give us a weekend or two, we'll fucking button it up for you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go try to fuck that girl who greeted me. I gotta go. See, that's why he's so good. When you talk to the crowd, it gets very psychological and very in depth like that. That was exactly where I was at.

That's exactly where my mentality was. Yeah. Yeah. My mentality was like, yeah. Yeah. No, I get it. It's just I because it and also going from like a state to stand up fame or just doing spots or whatever especially at a time where it doesn't feel like culture anybody gave that much of a fuck about nobody gave a fuck so to go from nothing and toiling to famous and also with like

it like hot young people to a time yeah that's that's tough for the for the psyche of a of a young man to stay even sort of humble. Well, we used to I used to always say one of two of the stories I've done. One is we went to me and Kenny. We first he said, you know, we're really famous. Yeah. I go, no, we're not. Because I was in New York City and we're having a young kids. He goes, I went to this thing.

All these people swamp me. So I go, I don't think that's true. We go down to Orlando, Florida. We go to the strip club. We walk into strip club. All the strippers leave their customers and come running over to our house. Oh my God.

I mean, that would have ruined me. If that happened. There's no way I'd know how to act. And I go, this is not good. I go, this is bad. I went, no, I go, this is not good. I go, this is bad. And then the other one. Yeah, and that was too much.

Yeah, and you were a single man at the time? Single man. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, that was insane. Yeah. And the other thing was we would do these things, like wherever we went, suddenly people like I remember doing this gig and I wasn't by the way my act was so

local New York area. I didn't believe I'm doing a gig. I get the plane is Southwest Missouri State, Dennis Weaver Drive. I still remember. And I see this long line of 3,000 people going to a show at the college. And I'm by myself. And I go- 3,000. I go, where are they going? And he goes, ha ha ha.

So I was like, oh, I forget. I'd done a couple of colleges with like 80 people. There must be a basketball game. Yeah, I was like, somebody make- Oh great, I'm competing with the basketball game. Right, exactly. I walk backstage in the back of this order and I go what three thousand people that don't hear like

subway losing your tokens they didn't care they just sit there there's a little kid someone working for like an hour I'm talking. They're kind of not laughing, but they're like, hey, it's kind of funny. And then I just sign after a day, we go, you sign, I go, sure. I'm there for two and a half hours signing everything. No pictures. No camera. Right. Right. Right. So we're just signing autographs. Hilarious. Yeah. And then one time I go to Kenny, because Kenny, like I like I said was very witty and do you know who? Anyway, y'all I'll say it and maybe you'll know his name or maybe you won't but he goes I was saying, you know, we're doing all this MTV shit the show. It's Brady bunch questions. What are we doing? We're turn it to hacks. This is bullshit. I'm complaining before this thing. We're doing this show I go we're going out here these people. Yeah, I'm an artist right. Yeah, I'm like I'm an artist So after the show this girl comes out beautiful girl, and she goes to Colin sign it I'm like this I get the mark and Kenny goes um hey Spaulding great

He's still feeling regrets about your art. It's only good like a one-man show guy Feeling regrets about your art. Spoiled it was like a one-man show guy Wow, look where you ended up. You're doing your penance now. You know you're a fucking one-man show guy All the fucking all the lines off tits you did in the 80s. But how funny is that? He's gonna say spoiled it great. He looks at me perfect timing. I'm like that with a pen. Yeah, like mid sign. I'm like Alright fair. You got me brother. Yeah, basically he was like why don't you throw the pen down and walk off. Yeah. Mid sign. I'm like, all right. You got you got me, brother. Yeah. Basically, he was like, why don't you throw the pen down and walk off? Mr. Integrity.

Here's the here's the moment where it really counts. Here's the moment. Face to face with the with one kid out. But it was it was it was a great like we had so much fun because speaking of executives, all the executives, I'm still I still they came to our show last week in LA they're all they weren't executives they were like young music fans right that went to MTV at the right time yes yes yes so they loved this we'd all gone all together as a party yeah so you had

friends every time we went to an event there'd be 50 people that all wanted to go dance and hang out yeah and you know just whatever it was and at that time I mean, that's beautiful. That's like that is really bright right place right time. What's the come down like off that? Come down was I was the Mario joiners a funny community He was on MTV too and he goes yeah, yeah cuz he he goes because he was living in New York, too And he goes yeah, he goes I used to come on the subway, people go, taking the subway? Now he goes, now I get on, people go, taking the subway. So, you know, you're first class, flight sometimes, and now you're back in coach all the time.

And that was, you're right, it was, you had to get used to it, you know. What was the like, was there a moment where you're like, ah, the MTV, being the Beatles is over? It ended tough. You had to get used to it. You know, what was the like? Was there a moment where you're like, ah the MTV being the Beatles is over. It ended quick. It ended quick I mean I left the show cuz it was just too much for me at that point But you're on it for how long like two years? Oh, yeah, but I was like, I can't do it again I was literally lying on the couch. I go guys. I can't do another season. They go. Yeah, but one more I go no, I'm telling you I can't do it with Kenny. I'm not doing it Yeah, I was so and was it the artistic stuff. Yeah, which is you had your And you're like I didn't I didn't really drugs I was

Wow, but I mean and that was hard that was wow staying sober. It was hard through that Yeah, I'm guessing you had other ways other outlets. I Mean, I had a lot of girlfriends and I had a lot of cigarettes. That was it. But I mean, but that was it. But I mean, that was hard because there was a lot of drugs, a lot of drinking going on all around, all for free.

Yeah. But I knew if I did that, I would die. It's one thing to buy cocaine. It's one thing not to buy it. I was offered to go to so many parties that I turned down because, you know, I just I I'm told this, I'm sure. But one time in the elevator is Kenny Ober, Sam Kinison. Oh, hell, yeah. Who's the greatest guy.

And they and he was a cool guy, you know, and a couple of other guys in the elevator with all these strippers from like whatever where the tone of each wherever we are. And then as I go and I just thought to myself, they're all going up to this big penthouse to get the whole top floor of some hotel and and then I just realized I got I got to get out of here. I can't go. Yeah, I go I'm gonna I'm gonna end up doing coke and dying.

Yeah. And so I just got out of the elevator on my floor. And you just see the door show I could still see the visual of Sam Kenson looking at me like this the girl Kenny knew yeah and the girls looking like George you're shutting I went to my room and cried. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's the godfather But I had the when he shuts the door at the end. Yeah, you were Kay. You're like I'm out of this life at the end yeah you were K you're like I'm out of this life yeah oh I mean what you do I I don't want to see you Colin if we do things together

I wanted to do you will vacate the green room before I am to arrive yeah dude I mean there is no way I would have survived. I mean, I understand why every fat comedian died. I would have died. There's no way I would have survived what you're describing. One iota of that, I had a rule, I stopped doing it at 30. I was like, it's either beef fat or cocaine. You can't do both after 30.

Well, you're very smart because I had a lot of friends die from coke. It's, and it was, and just the, and also like less, people didn't know asthma. I mean, now there's been so much clear research of like what happens when it was newer, you know, and you could lie to yourself like, ah, we're just having a good time, but. But you're right. No, coke killed a lot, it killed a lot of people not

overdose they died of heart failure the next day yeah over the over yeah I felt that I mean you felt you feel it too they do something the next day then they work out or whatever they try to do they say and they all die yeah it's really bad I know we had a another plus-size community on here and the analogy was when you're using a laptop laptop and you hear the fan going really hard. That's what a fat person on cocaine is like. That's what my heart felt like every time I did cocaine. I was like, oh, I got to go plunge myself into a bath or something. Oh god, yeah. No, I had a heart attack a few years ago, so I'm always, I'm always,

whenever I hear my heart going in a different, I'm like, it's a whole different vibe now. Yeah, absolutely. No, I can fucking totally imagine, but. But there's nothing you can do about it either, it's so funny, because I'm like, huh, huh, then I'm like, hey, what am I gonna do? I die, I die. You can't stretch. You can't stretch your heart out, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. So, okay, well, I'm just so fascinated about, so you had that high ass run and you were like, and then you wanted to commit yourself To the art again. Is that what happened? Yes I went back to stand up and I really felt like you know, I mean like I I loved it I never denied empty use the greatest. It's like it's not like I was like, oh my god. I wish it. I loved it

Yeah, I yeah when it was happening. I loved it and afterwards. I loved yeah, that's nice, though It's like it's like being on like a college football team that won the championship Yeah, look back on it fondly. You don't want to absolutely stay in school forever though. Absolutely Yeah, yeah But I love I did love it But then I started to stand up and you really throw myself into it and doing one-man shows back then even And like that was my that was my thing. Like I really did want to Just try to,

and I've been writing screenplays, you know, for like all these years, because in my mind I was always like, well, I'm surrounded by the funniest people in the world. How is everybody in comedy not in charge of, how aren't there like 30 Woody Allen's? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't understand.

Yeah. And I was like, I'm gonna figure this out and I never did yet, but. Yeah. But, because I'm like I'm like how then a 30 Woody Allen's there's so many funny people. Yeah, you took the stand-ups I mean, you know, of course. Yeah, and it's yeah, I mean we made it I made a minute indie movie and I know I can't wait to see it. Yeah, thank you And if go watch it guys, let's start a cult. It should be on VOD by now But that was part of the thinking was, I'll just write some bullshit. I know so many funny people.

Yes. They just come in for a day and it's true, they just elevated, everything was funnier because of the hats. Yes. And it's like, yes. But you were, so you must've been like, you were actually like fulfilled at that time? Or did it ever get like, were you good for money?

You were like, oh no, shit was bad? Well, how was it going? Yeah, it was bad, I had no money. I I mean at one point I'll give you an example. I after MTV like probably two years, maybe two years afterwards I didn't move back on my Yeah, I mean I guess I could have done more road sure I guess when I look back No money. Yeah. Yeah. No money. Oh, and I wasn't getting road gate. How old are you? mmm, probably

32 30 tough because I moved back Yeah, yeah Wow cuz I mean I moved I did, I moved. I did that. I moved back with my parents. I stay after college. I was in Baltimore doing stuff. And I was like, I need to save some money and move to New York. But you were already you had already gone through. I was from New York. Yeah.

You had to move back to Brooklyn. I lived in L.A. No, it was pretty it was very I mean, the funny thing is, even though it was very humbling, of course, but it was also, like, it felt good. Cause my sister's there with her little daughter. Oh, that's nice, yeah. So, and we were in this little apartment,

and it was like, something about it. It was the four of you? Your sister. Yeah. Yeah. But something about it, I was like. Your Irish tenement roots. I didn't feel as bad, I didn't feel, well, this was in Bay Ridge now. Okay. Irish tenement. I didn't feel as bad. I didn't feel well We this was in Bay Ridge now, okay

So but I just didn't have that feeling that that fresh from Ellis Island feel it was generations in one Lambs can mr. Kelly was real pain in the ass old mr. Kelly was a dick but um But he was but it was one of those things where I when, where I, when I look back on it, I was like, I did enjoy it. Of course. Your mom, you know, mama's boy. Of course. My sister and her daughter. But it's funny, but I was there for,

I don't know how many months I was there. I was there a few months, maybe three months. What's the, so you were a mama's boy though, when you were growing up? Sure, I was a mama's boy. How many siblings did you have? I was a mama, two sisters, one brother. Two sisters, one brother.

But this one was, my other one who lived upstate, my other brother was somewhere else. So it was me and my sister. When I remember it now, I almost forgot about it, but walking down that block and people just, you know how it is, the first day people are like, but then they're like, I guess everybody knows

life takes some weird turns. You have to be like, yeah, my mom's sick. Just helping her. I didn't feel embarrassed at all. Interesting. If I had to go back to Greectown right now and move back in, after all the, I was also kind of a, I don't know, I don't know if you ever felt this way,

but it was like, I definitely felt like, fuck these idiots. Like I always felt like that superior, I mean, because you're from New York, it's a different thing. No, I didn't I didn't feel everyone that moves here is the guy that thinks I'm better than fucking these more I know with so I hate we used to hate that when I was growing up yeah because when anybody moved here and they go oh these bridge and tunnel people I go oh the people that are from here

he's driving crazy yes yes I always just right though you display somebody who the people that are from here. Shut up. You drive me crazy. Yes, yes, yes. I would just like you display somebody who would not hold the door over some old lady with her bags. That's why you describe it like. Right. Right. Right. You drive me crazy like we're going New York and they get mad. If you say you're not New Yorkers, right. You get mad even if they're not from here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, like, yeah, whatever. Yeah. I mean, I feel the 10 year mark is where I I would feel the Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, step and then you know whatever oh because you Greek maybe you know I live in a story or a Greek so we might lose light but yeah thank you yeah as long as you stay with you live in either Staten Island or the Bronx that would be so fucking funny you start commuting from Staten Island to do a lot of babies over there yeah the Bronx would be awesome but no I would not I can't I would not be able to go back as like a need to be there. It I love going back there as I know.

But sometimes, you know, never say never. Yeah, it's true. It's true. I mean, I was on TV. It was like, yeah, I went in and I got a couple of, I guess, development deals. You know, in those days was like 50,000 bucks with a lot of money. You know, and I had a couple of those and you just sit there, but if you don't understand the basics,

which your generation understands, which is if you don't do it yourself, it's not gonna happen. Right, right, right. So if you didn't do that movie yourself, it wouldn't happen. Without question, it wouldn't happen. And that's how, even back then, like they do these development deals and you're like

You know, they just they just go in the ether They want that's part of their culture is of course keeping people in meetings and all that stuff It's all meeting apart of the business pretend to make pretend to make product but don't make it because the pain in the ass paying a guy to Dig up a hole and then paying a different guy to fill the hole back in. Yeah. That's a lot of what it is. Right, right.

Yeah. And that's what you don't understand unless you're sharper than I was. Yeah, well, but at this time you also made a round this time, you also soon after made an appearance in truly one of my favorite films, Night at the Roxbury. That was when I was on SNL. Oh, okay, okay. And I had a bad attitude about that too. Yeah, yeah.

It comes through in your performance, but I like it. I think it lends to the character. It really does. I was afraid, when we first met, I told you I liked Night at the Roxbury, and then in hindsight I was like, did he think I was fucking with him? Because I actually loved that movie, truly.

No, a lot of people liked that movie. It was like one of those like was it a bad movie It was much better than it gets credit for it is weird that Chris Catan is the lead and Will Ferrell is the supporting writer In hindsight, that's right, but it's also a fun relic of it at the time Yeah, and then you know and you were great in it and then the uncredited Fuck Chas Palma on terror. Oh, fuck, Chaz Palmontere. Oh yeah. Like his name's nowhere in the credits. It's not?

No, no, it's not there. And it's like, he was great. He was great. He was always great. He's looking like an Armenian guy, but yeah. Yeah, no, it was really fun. It was a great performance. I think that movie's legitimately,

and I watched it recently being like, I was a fucking dumb kid, this sucks, loved it this sucks loved it maybe even more by the way speaking of resentful performances it was brilliant yeah which is Griego yeah he goes so Chris Cassandra so you're gonna meet up you're gonna hang out you start to Johnny Depp lately Here you go Cuz Amy actually is a great director And he goes No

You got a feel for Greek because how many times did he get that he got to put it on on Wax basically how he wished he could respond to every dickhead that asked him that question. Oh my God. It was one of the greatest delivers of one line. It's right up there. Would you ever see Laverne and Shirley? Yeah, I've seen it.

Anyway, but Michael McIntosh said Lenny and Squee, they would come in and go, hello. And their hello would make everybody, especially when it came out, you just laugh because they were hopeful and also resentful because they were so bullied all their lives and they're going hello and I just cry at the great like one, anybody can give a one line, sometimes you just or even look, sometimes you film, those are the moments that make you cry. And it's also such a, that performance, this is great, let's get really into Night at the Roxbury because that performance is also, that resentment kind of runs through this whole thing because you have to get a guy and the pitch is, we need you to play yourself, we know you have nothing going on, you have to be a shell of your former self, you need to be so, you need to be so available to the, truly the biggest idiots of all time

have to have something over on you. And then you also have to appear as a shell of yourself on, this is the only, I mean, I don't know if he was in anything after that. I don't either, I need a couple of movies, but no. And that's a powerful energy in a film, is a guy who doesn't wanna be there, but has to be, and kinda resents it.

Yeah. It's awesome. And I mean, he was, yeah, I mean, I was obviously out there during the time when he first blew up, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, true. And he did, you know, he was, he was in a couple of movies, but yeah,

I don't think by that point he had anything. No, no. But it was so funny because, yeah, and he delivered that line with all of his of his whole chest, as they say. It was fucking beautiful. No. Great movie.

Even at the time, I was like, that was just funny. Yeah. Yeah. She's a great filmmaker. She made, you know, Fast Times. Oh, yeah. Holy fuck, wait. I guess I didn't even realize that she was having so much sense. Amy Heckerle directed that.

That's why it's a good movie, folks. Night at the Roxbury. Don't watch Colin's special, don't watch my movie. Go watch Night at the Roxbury. Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to recommend that one, but I would say go watch fair songs. It was not hard.

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Bad to Roxbury is not bad. No, it's good. But again, you know, I just, I don't know why I had a bad attitude. I try not to do it. Yeah. Did you just not want to do anything other than? What I like, what I write. Just classic.

I've been like that my whole life. Obstinance. I just want to do my projects. And I never got to do them. It's really kind of an ironic thing. Is there one white whale project still out there? No, there's 10. There's 10.

They're all based in like six neighborhoods in Queens. Right. Osorio's in them. And Brooklyn. All right. And the Bronx. It's about this cool guy that's getting pussy on MTV. No, no. No, no

My first project which is another famous story of the delusions of me. Yeah when crocodile Dundee to add one line So I rewrote the whole script about Paul Ogan who is the hugest name in show business Being led around New York by a cool guy You rewrote it? Who rewrote it? Just for, for, for, for no one. And I handed it to the director. So you're tasked with one line and you're like, I got something that's gonna button this up, make this a much better picture.

I mean, I think I actually said to him, like, hey, you know, I'm from New York. This New York part doesn't really feel real. That's before MTV, by the way. That's fucking insane. I mean, I was like fucking, I'm like Ruben Bumpkin. I mean, how do you even respond to getting that? He was Australian, thank God. He goes, oh yeah, mate, thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, the accent does a lot of work. He's just like, God. He goes, oh yeah, mate, thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, the accent does a lot of work. He's just like, yeah, he's a fucking asshole. No trouble with fire, I'm just fucking ignoring him. If that was an American director, they would have said, get this piece of shit off the film. Because Shreya's like, yeah, I'm liking it. He's a fucking asshole.

Cast for one line? Rewrote the whole script is incredible, man. So awesome. Yeah. I can't... That's fucking awesome. What a fucking delusional bastard. Did you ever have... What was the first creative pursuit you had as like even a kid?

Was there a thing where you were like, ooh, this is awesome? I mean... No, but I was funny, you know? I was always making people laugh. And I was creative, so you know what I mean no but I was funny you know I was always making people laugh yeah and I was creative so you know me like I got you got you when I was speaking people start laughing you get into that whole thing we like shit I'm funny this is fun yeah and people go you're funny you're funny yeah you never know like a play or something as a little kid or play you know I mean like

put some made people play actor yeah sure I did yeah yeah I can't remember them I mean that's it got you I mean my sister put some made people play actor. Yeah, sure. I did. Yeah, of course. But I can't remember them. I mean, I mean, my sister, we had a tape recorder. Me and my sister, my friend, my sister, Jenny, who was also into stuff, too. And we did the Johnny Borsam show. Instead of Johnny Carson, which I had to say, so I'm like Johnny Borsam and then Kel Welch comes out. And I go and she was just playing with Kel Welch. So we had a couple of big tit jokes. I go boy Raquel you're really

popping out all the places Thanks, Johnny You're making big tit jokes on your seven-year-old sister. Yeah, she's like, improving. Yeah. Thanks, Johnny! You're like, stop. I wish I had that. Were you at like the, did you go to like Catholic school where like nuns hitting you? Where did the obstinance come from? She went to Catholic school actually. Oh, interesting. No, I went to public school, but that was wild. I should probably should probably should have gone. Actually, to give you an idea of the public schools, we went to public schools, so my brother and sister had to go to Catholic school,

because public schools were buck wild, as they say in those days. No, the obstinance just, I think I was just born that way. I think a lot of comedians are born with exactly that, just a, whatever they call that, we have defiance disorder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just look at everything and just because even now, if I remember meeting a young comedian in Pittsburgh, like 10 years ago, and they're like, oh, my God, you're Colin Quinn, you're doing

comedy. I'm just started with like open micro in Pittsburgh, working at the hotel or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's like all nervous And so I said, yeah, I'm gonna be nice this guy give him a couple of so I told him I said Show me your stuff and I show me so I go this could be you know, that could be a good and he's looking at me like Yeah Don't worry about me worry about yourself I just told you I'm doing open mics I don't need anybody helping my fucking material it is awesome how sure you are that you know what you're doing you have to be yeah it's true comedians are tough as shit people don't realize even

comedians are like well delusional as I think how I would put it yeah it's a delusion you have to be so delusional that it is toughness Because if you were to actually look at yeah If you're actually look at the odds against you how bad you are when you start how many better like looking more? Talented more everything people like if I wasn't fucking stupid I mean the fact that I was in a mood like I can't even believe they let me star in a movie I am so fat and ugly Compared to a fucking a movie a guy that could be in the movie

I could be the guy whose pants fall down and then they hit him with a fucking pie in the face But in my head I was like nah nah, I'm a star baby You have to be that fucking delusional. I'm just- That's beautiful. Yeah, because it is. Yeah. I don't like this weird positive thing about, I just think comedians should always view themselves

as losers first and foremost. That's right. And I think it's the delusional factor. We aren't really special. A lot of people, if they put this amount of hours in, could be good at this. Absolutely. But they're helping the world.

Well, I don't know if they're helping the world or whatever. But they don't have to. Right, that delusional. Or they at least have some. But it's also, but here's why people like us. They did the math and they were like, oh, I should just get a job. But the positive side of it is also that we have watched the producers, when Zero and myself, he's out the window to what's name but the and he goes that's right

If you got it for And like that's why people like us. Yeah, like hey, I'm not gonna fucking do the work Fuckin do go for it. You do it, baby. You fucking freak you ever see um Officer and a gentleman sure great movie. So at the end her friend who ended up having the boyfriend get killed and he calls her twice. She goes off with Richard Gere and she's with nobody. Yeah. And she goes like this. Yeah, Paula. And I feel like that's how people feel about Santa. Yeah, good for you. Yeah, you're right. You're not as talented as these gorgeous actors and singers, but fuck them too.

Where with you? That's why people like comedians. I know. Because they want to be as delusional as we are. I like them. They know we're fucked up. I think they know we're not that great. Of course not. But they fucking love us for it.

And that's why there should be some, we should be against the, there is a little bit of an epidemic of comedians being cool, which is a big problem. I hate comedians. Big, big, big, big, big problem. Big problem, yes. Anyway, well we have a lot. Let's not just let's not just give general comedy platitudes Let's actually help the people calling your man with a ton of Beautiful life experience. We didn't even get to delve into all of it

Oh, you'll have to come back, but we have you know people call in I don't know if we even told you how the show works, but we know We do some voicemails and we give people all right, so it's half interview half of a show. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know Oh, yeah, yeah play well perfect. We're gonna get you right off the right off. Sorry. We're bad at up It's better that way our guests. Yes, I'll just play us. Yeah, you guys give me no prep That it was all worth it speech you just made. That's exactly right. Delusional and not that great. But you have to admit, that's why people love us. Absolutely. It shouldn't work. They're like, fuck yeah. Yeah, I didn't do it, but you did it. Do it. You should be the avatar for fat slobs. Everyone. I always say as a comedian

I always say speaking of cool and comedy. I go where the we're not the people that are in the fucking trendy party We're outside and they're not letting you in. Yeah, you you close her off Yeah, you just don't have the fucking look. Yeah to be in that goddamn Oscar party You're in the flicking at the window totally You know you're like that fucking piece of shit. He's not that and then the guy the famous guy walks by you're like hey Play us something eldest Hello, stop Rose eldest. I've been used ejaculating within the last year. I was diagnosed with OCD When I've been medicate and I'm on two different medications.

The medication allows me to function, it allows me to go out and leave my house, it allows me to go to different places, and it allows me to break my routine, which I appreciate. I really enjoy being able to take the medication and getting my life back. The issue is I now have pretty much no ability to come even if I'm masturbating myself I Usually become tired or in pain Damaged my penis in some way or my balls of broo Because we're talking double-digit minutes of jacking to come

The issue is my wife It's probably her favorite part of sex, is me coming in or around her or on her in some way. And I'm not really able to perform that currently. I have thought that maybe we could do more degrading things in the bedroom for her, which I think she would enjoy as well. But I do want to make her do strange things or weird things and then still not come. It would make her feel worse.

And that's kind of the thing. I'm worried that I'm making her feel bad every time we have sex and I don't come. I'm still enjoying sex with my wife. I love my wife. We've been together for 10 years. But this has just been a tough six to seven month period of time where I'm just really

not able to come even with all of her moves, her tried and true moves she does. The people in your podcast do seem to be able to come freely and frequently. Maybe you could give me some advice on maybe to get out of my own head and be in the moment and come more easily or maybe I need to get off the medication. Any advice I'd really appreciate, thanks. It was good, we didn't prep Colin and we're like maybe Elvis will ease us in with a question but no, immediately some fucking freak jizzing in his wife is what we're hitting Colin with right off the top.

I have some thoughts, I don't know if you have any. I have some, sure. I mean you have to have thoughts on I don't know. Yeah, many my I'm sure You have to have thought somebody you said Um Well, she first of all is your wife a fucking child like you had OCD and you finally had medication You had finally had medication that gets your shit under control and she's mad you can't cream pie her She's not gonna take the trade-off of like oh, he doesn't have to you know OCD it's like now. We don't have to he doesn't have to you know obsessively

You know whatever the fuck you're doing counting straws before you have a drink, or you're not insane anymore, basically, but she's mad that you can't bust, feels kind of insane. Feels like a crazy thing for your wife not to understand. Have you tried talking to her, I guess, is a big one? Now, if it's all about the physical jizzing aspect,

have you thought about a fake dick or a fake, some kind of performative, I don't know, Nickelodeon gack, Nickelodeon slime-like situation where at the end of sex you could push a button and you're maybe a small super soaker, you could tape to the underside of your balls, it's filled with some kind of jizz-like substance.

Or what do they use when you have to fake a piss test? You know what I mean? A nice warm flagging of fake gum. I'm just spit balling here, but I don't know. Kyle, you have any thoughts here? Yeah, well, I had a teedick for many years What's teedick teedick is when I would drink tea? Literal like tea chamomile. Yeah, yeah Earl Grey

Okay, I don't know my apologies I don't want anyone to ever give me a couple of gray they want British, okay But anyway, yeah, Earl Grey killed my ancestors. He was a landowner. No, I had a teedick where I would come if I drank tea back in the 80s. I would get really... My dick would hurt. If you had tea? I notice you're drinking some right now.

I'm not playing on comic. And on MTV, we would literally have every, like I said, we'd go out and they'd be like, Uh oh, Kyle's drinking tea. And they'd tell some girl, don't even bother talking. They see Kyle with a brisk, you better watch out girls. It's a love tape. Yeah. So I understand if you say it becomes in pain. Right.

Well you say he just can't come. From the medication. Right. Well it says usually become tired or in pain. You know? I mean this is just a side note. So yeah, I think he needs to, I think he needs to, you know, first of all the fact that he hasn't googled any of this, is infuriating.

He acts like he came with this thorough problem. He gave us the most surface level of the thorough problem I've ever heard of. So you're not serious about this. It's also, what are we gonna do, man? It's a fucking medication. It's changed your, you should talk to your doctor. But again, yeah, and we're taking his word for it.

True, that is true. This whole thing, he's on two medication of OCD. He doesn't mention what they are right? That's right. I mean was he for we're gonna research him The people concerta yeah Elvis will run some Toxicology reports let you know what's going on. It is interesting though He seems to be worried about his wife more than anything He seems to be worried about You know her favorite parts of sex or she's not doing her true

He's doing she's doing her tried and true moves and he's not busting That would be annoying to me if I was in a relationship with somebody and I knew how to make her come and then all Of a sudden it was gone. I would feel inadequate But if we had a conversation and we're like hey I hope you're not feeling this way this is just the medicine that makes me not shit in the toaster oven that's this is the trade-off here well I think she would understand it but I feel like this he he's saying two things here one is he he can't come and his wife doesn't like it.

And two, he's kind of saying, maybe I'll try some new things with my wife. Yeah, that's a great point. That's a really good point. I like where this guy's going. Maybe he's saying- Maybe it's not really about this. He's put up a smoke screen

to be able to put his wife in a gimp suit. He's like, and he's talking about weird degrading stuff. I know. Where did that come from? Exactly. Where the fuck did that come from? I left her that we appreciated, but at the same time. No, you're right. You're so right, Colin.

This guy's trying to use his new medicine as a way to fucking, you know, write whore on his wife's face with lipstick and spit on her. Yeah. And so, yeah, man, did she ask for that? That's your solution? He spits on her face and goes, is that viscous enough for you? Yeah, man, I would try talking to your wife before I would hit her pussy with a mace.

Next question, Elders. Holy shit. What the fuck's going on? Holy fuck, you know what time it is, guys? No, man. It's a fucking crazy time, man. It's time to keep it twisted. It's time to keep it twisted. Yeah! Cheers my friend! Time to keep it twisted on this week's Keep It Twisted question of the most fucked up twisted question of the week.

We still don't have an official name for the segment. But now is the time. And Eldis, play us a twist. Let's see if these people are going to keep it twisted with this twisted ass call. Keep it twisted. Yo, how's it going, Stav? First time caller, long time listener, guest. Eldis, hope you guys are doing good.

Just a little problem I have with me and my girlfriend. I'm 23, she's 21. We've been together for about three years now Love this woman. She's the love of my life and she's you know, everything to me The thing is, you know in her past she has had you know girlfriends and I'm totally cool with that I personally haven't had boyfriends, but you know, I don't care about her path. I like her as a person. Interesting. The thing is, when she's around me, she's totally, you know, cool, totally normal.

And then the thing is when we hang out with her friends, then that's when I noticed a little bit of a personality swap. We'll go out to like a club and She will spend the entire night just working and sometimes even making out with her friend You know, I get left in the in the dust and you know, I know some guys Maybe that's like something they like where they like think that that's hot. That's not me You know the girl wasn't even that hot That just really pissed me off sure, you know, I know it's harmless

You know, I need to know if I'm making a big deal about this or if you know, it's actually an issue You know, right? All right. Well, that's my an issue, you know? Right. All right, well, that's my question. Hope you guys are doing good. Yeah, man, wow, it sounds like she's really keeping it pretty twisted. Yeah. That is a twist. She's keeping it very twisted.

Twisted woman. So because of the segment, I'm gonna have to back her and everything. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Because I think that this is very much in the spirit of the twisted team. Mm-hmm. Go out, kiss. Go out, fucking lesbian make out. Right. Women's club. Yeah, very much in the spirit of the Lesbian make out right

Responsibly, of course respond don't over drink Drinking responsibly zone over do it's a delicious 5% alcohol By volume drink just enough to get you a nice little buzz, but you're still responsible Yeah, and you're keeping it twisted. You're making out with other ladies, you're twerking and that sort of thing. This guy's hilarious because he's like, what is he, 23? And the girl's 21. Responsible age to drink. Been together, yeah. True. And I'm glad you just started. I'm glad you, your girlfriend just started drinking this year And she's certainly keeping it twisted yes now been together three years

And the question is like hey man when I go out like let's just let's just Break down what he's told us he goes out to the club with his girlfriend She doesn't pay attention to him, and she dances Suggestively and makes out with other people. She cheats on him at the club. At the club. And he's in front of him and he's asking if this is a red flag. I would say it is as red as the raspberry twisted tea right here at the top of the can. That's as red a flag as the delicious refreshing red of the raspberry. And by the way, I'm raspberry hint of raspberry and this makes me want to do all this

Go to the club right now and work. I really I gotta start I gotta start making out with men and women Yeah, I twisted. I'm feeling yeah. I think this is at least worth. You know maybe talking to her I'm glad you came to us first least worth, you know, maybe talking to her. I'm glad you came to us first. Before you mentioned that, we even said like, it is kind of making me uncomfortable. Let me ask a podcast first. Yes. Love that. And so I think we can say that your girlfriend is keeping it a little too twisted right now.

I would I would dial back how twisted I'm keeping it if I were her. And I also have bad news for you. You're 23, she's 21, you've been together three years. I don't know if you survived this. I gotta be honest. This is the kind of behavior, like, are you, You've been together since she was 18 and you were 21 whatever like dude You're if she she might just have this in her and other guys would roll with the punches other

I mean don't get wrong also mentally ill, but sometimes mentally ill people align and he's like yeah That's my fucking bitch go kiss. Yes, you know and go kid like but that doesn't seem to be you You don't like this definitely have a conversation with a teller makes you uncomfortable You you're secure if you're feeling that secure. I almost don't want to talk him out of it Yes, like I would not be able to handle this. I would give her a taste of her own medicine Yes, how about you know down to the spa? Yeah, let's go do a double date massage Yes, and you started getting it in the hot tub with all sorts of guys. You're grossing yourself out making out, see? That kind of thing. You understand what we're talking about. You're probably toast if I have to be completely honest with you.

It seems like she's barely concealing how little she cares about your relationship if that's what she's doing Now that we're being negative glass half full. This is literally I also did know girls who considered this just having a good time in college, right? Yeah, but you have but if that's the I want to and it's not even I'm not saying it's wrong You just have to be able to roll with the punches if you can't roll roll with the punches, the odds of getting somebody to stop behaving like this at 21, when that's what's in their heart, very low. That's all I'm saying. Have a conversation, you owe it to yourself, but also be prepared for it to not go the way you want.

And you know, that's all it costs. And then if it doesn't go the way you want, get a little twisted. You know what I mean? Just get a couple of twists. Yeah, one can of every flavor. One can, try that tips. Yeah, get one can of every flavor What is so hard to try that out pack get the variety pack? It's good drink it responsibly Perfect for game day or a nice kickback with friends or just alone at home. Oh, yeah. Yeah, whatever it is

Oh, just make sure just remember buddy Keep it twisted. All right that ought to do it for the keep it twisted, twisted question of the week or day or whatever the fuck the name is. That was a beautiful like, drop right there. Thanks man. Yeah, we do, we got it down to science. So that was, yeah that guy is... He's tough. Keep it twisted. Hey, Sabi. Hey, Elvis. Hey, esteemed guests. I am dating a wonderful woman. She is a smart, generous, loving, caring patient. But the only issue is she is extremely sensitive and on the more jealous and insecure side of

things. If I breathe in the wrong direction or stay high, she's going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be

like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like, oh, I she is extremely sensitive and uh, but on the more jealous and insecure side of things. If I breathe in the wrong direction or say hi to a woman the wrong way, she'll get upset and we'll have a little conversation about it. And she wants you to validate her feelings. And I genuinely don't know how I'm supposed to validate feelings when I think they're

dumb. I know that's awful to say, but how do I validate someone's feelings when I can't empathize with what the reaction was? For example, there was a girl dressed in a costume with a bunch of friends. I complimented the entire group, not just her, but because I complimented even a woman on their group costume, we had to have a conversation about it. I have the opinion that it's okay to have these feelings, but I don't think it's important to have a conversation on every small skill you have, because now when there is something

that we need to talk about, and I do need to validate her feelings about a real Situation or a bigger situation My feelings and my emotional capacity is up like the bottom of the water guy And it's really starting to weigh on me heavily and I'm starting to think it may not be I mean we're not your fucking girlfriend Relax with the therapy language, man. I've told people every time you call in, we're your defense attorney. You have to tell us the truth.

Don't come at me with your stupid bullshit half. This is clearly, he's just talking at us the way he would talk to his girlfriend. Yeah, yes. And also, your whole attitude is atrocious. But let's finish up. Everything about the way he's talking about his girlfriend. And also your whole attitude is atrocious, but let's finish up. Everything about the way he's talking about this pisses me off.

I'm on her side already, just by how he's behaving. And just his cadence is pissing me off. But let's finish it, I wonder. Weigh on me heavily, and I'm starting to think it may not be the best for a successful long-term relationship. I'm wondering if I it may not be the best for a successful long term relationship. I'm wondering if I just give it more time or a fairly new relationship under six months, well I would say five months.

Thank you. And I'm wondering if over time she'll become more secure in the relationship. She doesn't like any interaction with any other women. A lot of less porn, no script clubs, and even clubs with bottle girls. Porn? Become an issue at a point. Wait, how many fucking clubs with bottle girls are you going to? Is there an opportunity for this to get better or is this going to get worse? Thanks guys. This is fascinating because he sucks.

I mean he's a fucking piece of shit, but she also sounds like a nightmare. It's really hard to understand what's going on here because we have a very unreliable narrator here yet again where I'm not taking anything he's saying, you know, at face value, but also they've been together five months and he's already talking about he's not allowed to go to strip clubs okay they says not even clubs with bottle girls as that becomes an issue at a point how many times you go in five months how many times in a five-month period how many times you go to strip clubs or bottle surface? How is this an issue in your life and maybe she has a point if it starts with you're in a strip club every week

Anyway, this is fucking insane Yeah Unless this is like Antonio Brown or something. I mean this guy's like he's gotta be the football or basketball professional To get away with this kind of bullshit. Yeah You know girls like yeah, they go to strip clubs all the time. They got a bottle club. Yeah, otherwise yourself humongous balls I Know dude, it's like nothing you both sound horrible is kind of what it comes down to she could be over now She's saying he's not allowed to watch porn. That's psychotic.

Well, five months in a relationship, he shouldn't be watching porn yet. But the fact there's a hard rule about... The fact that that's been discussed... I'm with you. In the honeymoon phase of a relationship, you will naturally watch less porn, but if your girlfriend sits you down and says, and now that we are official, no pornography, that's weird. You know what I mean? Like, what, my girlfriend's going to yell at me if I watch porn four months into a relationship? But as you said, this whole thing feels false somehow. Yeah.

There's something strange going on here. There is something strange going on here. I mean, I don't know what it is, but there's something odd about him and this relationship. It just doesn't ring true in some way, unless he's just, he wants help from you to gaslight her. Right, right. Yeah. Most of these letters, that's what they want.

That's the motive. No, you're absolutely right, because he starts with a therapy language, and then it's like, and I'm not even allowed to go to strip clubs or bottle service clubs. I mean, it's, and then I'm very dubious of his example of the group cost. It's like, that sounds so like a out of context couple fight, where it's's like it makes no sense to anyone but the two people involved well what are you talking about I'll tell you what it is some young girls are walking by in their catheterial uniforms and this pervert yeah like Aruga hey girls I really wasn't sure these days huh? The church is really lenient.

And she said, stop it. And he's like, whoa. Whoa. You're trying to get me to empathize with your position, but I simply don't have the emotional capacity right now. Yeah. I wonder what these costumes were. It's good Halloween, post-Halloween kind.

Yes, yes. So whatever, man. No, this isn't going to work. I don't know whose fault it is, but it's definitely not gonna work. I'll tell you one thing. We know one thing. You're up to something. Yeah, you definitely are up to no good. You can fool everyone with some language. You're probably really good looking. You're up to something. And you know it.

Yeah, exactly. That's what we take away from this. You just change your ways. Whatever they are, stop it. You're not gonna. But we know you're onto something. We don't know what they are, we don't know the details, but no more. Any non-perverts? What do you got? Are you gonna go through? What do we got here? Go ahead.

I hope this is not on a Patreon episode because I don't fucking pay. Fuck you. I don't fucking care. Fuck you. But I want to focus on moderation. I work in a bar, you know, I'm smoking cigs, I'm doing extracurriculars, I'm drinking, and I just like, what is your advice on just kind of like, not Xing out, because I think that's kind of unhealthy to like totally mix something,

but just to kind of like chill out and like have fun, but not like take it to the amped degree. And I feel like I've been kind of doing that. What are you talking about? I love to hear the advice, love the show. Chill out on what moderation? Yeah.

Just life in general, chill out. He's saying he's at a bar. He's basically like, how can I do just the little pills? How can I, you know what I mean? That's not how it works, brother. You know it. You know it, You know what I mean? It's like, that's not how it works, brother. You know it. You know it. We know it. Come on. We've got a lot of delusion on the show today. That's a good one. I'm drinking and I just like, what is your voice on kind of not acting out because that's unhealthy, right? But just chilling out. You know, if you're a guy who can do that,

how old are you? Right? I mean, he didn't say how old he was, but you work at a bar. One thing I've learned is that your willpower is sometimes only as strong as your location. And for me, I had to spend a lot of time, I literally went to Baltimore for a few months, wasn't near any temptation, and I've been sober for, I want to do a sober year, it's been going good I was eating clean and then the last month. I'm back in New York. I'm doing gigs. I'm traveling all out I mean, I'm still sober, but the eating has been shitty and it's like buddy you work at a bar What's your life look like if you work in a situation where it's that tough?

I don't know that you can tow the line like that well, but it depends on the ball I worked at bars where I sober really yeah, I the line like that well but it depends on the ball I worked at bars where I sold really yeah I was a bartender but it depends on the bar but that's also a good point you were sober you weren't like I'll have three yeah I just think the idea of the anyone talking about moderation to this degree isn't someone who and by the way, yeah, and not only that, but guess what? Everyone knows nobody. The ball tennis that's supposed to drink.

And he's not supposed to do drugs. Yeah, I think personally, here's my, here's my take on the situation. Just keep doing it until your life gets bad and then go sober you're young you work at a bar it's a fun time no one who works the bar does it you know you know your career probably that might be some people but yeah your problem is psychological you gotta join patreon yeah that's the thing you're showing too much moderation and how you look at this podcast. You need to commit fully. And until you fully commit to things like being a fan of a podcast,

your career, whatever it is, I'm just random, you know, random examples here, you won't be able to fix your life at all. No. Okay. We didn't have enough information. I feel like you can cook up a nice banger for us here all this What do we got something to really sink our I saw one that had a couple of curses. It's an out you out pain Sounds like they have a grudge Hey Elvis, I love you guys Hey Scott, hey Elvis, I love you guys. But yeah, I'll just get into my questions.

So I really would love your honest feedback with this and I am fully prepared for you guys to say what a crazy bitch I am for complaining about this but anyways so like most couples my husband and I send each other like memes and TikToks and Instagram reels and whatever and I noticed that my and like never respond or likes the stuff I send him. And the last like few days are kind of like then asking him, why don't you like the stuff I send you? And I kind of lost my cool and, you know, told him lost my cool and told him this last time that it really hurts my feelings when he doesn't like the stuff I send him or respond to it. It does obviously go deeper as a woman, I'm thinking, you don't love me.

You don't think I'm funny. But anyways, his response was, well, people send me a lot of stuff I don't always have any idea to it. And Holy shit. That's incredible! Hey, come on! My fucking inbox is out of control! You want me to send a fucking like to everyone who sends me a meme?

Oh man, that's awesome. Yeah, that was not what I wanted to hear. I feel like I am a pretty funny person and also I'm not like a ball buster type wife. I am very supportive of anything and everything he wants to do. I ask for very little and yeah, it does hurt my feelings when you don't respond to the stuff I send you or think that it's funny, but yes, tell me what you really think. Am I crazy?

Is this a valid reason to be upset? I love you guys, thanks, bye. Incredible stuff here. People send me a lot of stuff. It's so, so good when your wife is that mad at you. I mean, there's a couple different issues here It's so, so good when your wife is that mad at you. Ugh. I mean, there's a couple different issues here. And this could be, you know, it is very funny,

but it is a canary, a potential canary in the coal mine situation. Where it's like, look, it's memes, whatever, but if your wife was texting you and you just didn't respond, if she texted you 10 times in a row, that would be weird. The fact that it's like memes is like, okay, it's even if it's like a little annoying, it's like it's just a weird rude thing to do to your wife.

This is a good dumb, I've certainly been in group chats with friends that abuse the meme thing and it's like you just stop responding. There's somebody you don't know that much. Yeah, I'm done. It's his fucking wife He's gotta do a little something. Yeah, he's got a hit or even a Charity a charity lol every once in a while even if you don't mean it I mean, this is a heart of mine

I mean, you know it is weird because it's on the surface very frivolous But I get why her feelings are hurt in a weird way, of course If somebody did that to me, I'd be pissed Professional Right this guy you're right. He's being he's being either he's being a hostile Prick passive aggressive prick. Mm-hmm, or she sends 50 of these a day Yes, I go pants true and she get the hackiest taste That's the other hand and it's shit that you see all goddamn day and he's like honey. Yes, we discussed this

I see the shield. I don't need to fucking see the Rizler anymore. He's funny. I like the Rizler I like them the first five times. I don't need to see him, you know, fucking review Cool Ranch Doritos. It's not that interesting to me. Four booms. Yeah, I don't need to know how many booms the new McFlurry gets. The limited edition Halloween McFlurry got four booms. But that's not necessary to me right now. Yeah. Now, there is two separate things here, though, right? One is simply responding to someone that you care about.

Right. And the other one was, and she's like, I feel like you don't love me, whatever, whatever. Right. But the second one was, I feel like you think I'm not funny. Right. That, that, and I'm not going to take the hack easy way approach here. Right. That, that, and I'm not gonna take the hack easy way approach here. I am just gonna say it is possible your tastes differ. Your tastes and humor differ.

That's right. So him ignoring you is rude. But you like, okay, you guys have been married for a while. Do you have the same taste? If you do, if you think you find the same stuff funny, then forget what I'm saying. But if you know that certain things you differ in, you're gonna have to, I think there's a little compromise here where it's like,

you can't live or die by if he thinks you're funny or not. Right. And he can't totally ignore you. You have to, your super valid point here is you're ignoring me. But I'm a funny person, and I got news for you, finding memes is not being funny. That's not being a funny person.

I'm not even saying you're not funny. But I wouldn't let this affect how his judgment of somebody calling you funny, that's a completely different skill set. Well yeah, and I mean some memes, look I remember I sent a meme to a group text to Keith, Voss, Norton, Bobby, and they started calling me a hack for putting out a meme.

And, but I felt it was very appropriate to the situation and funny. So I'm taking her side and just the fact that these fucking troglodytes have the nerve to call me a hack. It barely affected me. It's not like I'm like, hey, maybe I am a hack. I just sat there like, okay, fellas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm saying so, you you know so sometimes a meme can be if it's appropriate sure what you're talking about but we don't know how many

she has to write back and say how many times a day this is happening yes and show some of the memes to us and then we have to see maybe he's not funny sure yeah I'll get it that's a very very possible he could not be funny it sounds like it's a hard problem just the fact that he responded by going people send me stuff People stuff all day He's a little annoyed by like all his friends. You know it is like you said you put a group text and people start sending memes Too much you've seen them you've seen them. It's too much. Do you have a memes relationship with your wife eldest? We definitely send stuff back and forth a lot. I've sort of gotten a little shit like this before because she'll send like six or something and then you know I won't get to them for like a day or two.

Because I am busy. I do get a lot of memes. His wife sent this email. That's so fucking awesome to be talking theoretically and then we have this exact situation right here. No, she doesn't really care that much, but I don't know, I feel like with the memes, you can't just send someone ten memes in a row and expect them to look at every single one with that response. That's right, you have to pick your spots sometimes when I said especially I'm sending a lot it's like I know I gotta put a little caption with each of these like add your own thing or personalize it that'll encourage a person to like click on it

you know connect the dots. Little thought. Yeah it's a little router to like. That's a dangerous assignment you can do. It's true but that there's a little more showing of your own funny skills. Your personal life. Well, I admit it. You guys are missing the point, my little stupid point, which is if a meme fits the situation. Right, right, right, right, right.

Now I realize I was saying I was to send one to those four idiots, but if a meme fits perfectly in what's going on, that's humor. Four people, by the way, those four people really understand the internet. The guys you're talking about. They probably don't even fucking... They missed it completely. So that's what I'm saying. I'm saying if it fits the situation, it's perfect. But I think, yes, basically, either way you slice it, either if you want to just do it when it's completely appropriate like Colin's saying,

or in either way you have to turn down your amount that you're sending without question. Without question you're overdoing it a little bit. He's being rude, the truth is somewhere in the middle here. Where it's like, but Elders is also right that if you're gonna send them, they gotta, you gotta add a little something to them Don't just send ten things you laughed at right there's no that means nothing. Yeah, exactly. You're being lazy here

You're being kind of lazy if you're just sending ten memes Just the highlights, please or like Colin said if you're talking about something be like wow This fucking bird looks is acting just like Sheila that's how stupid what we're talking about is but good you know don't get your like it is good to have this conversation but you have to think about what it's really about and you have to think am I overdoing it but you seem nice and yeah if she's like, you know, sending him like some gooey, he's operating a pneumatic drill with his buddies.

And she's saying, isn't this funny? This is what I tell you about my friends at the bachelor head party. Here's where you really test him. Start sending him fucking wild shit. Yeah. Start sending him like, you know, conspiracy theory memes.

Right. Start, you know what I mean, see if he's paying attention. Then you know, then you know if he's tuning you out or not. It could be a lot worse if you're sending him like, you know, tit pics and he goes, people send me shit all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the responsive. Ooh, that would be funny though, send a titi pic in between two memes. Yeah.

See if he gets to them. That's, that's interesting. Alright, we gave you a couple homework assignments. Good luck out there. Get ready for Las Vegas style action at BenMGM, the king of online casinos. Enjoy casino games at your fingertips with the same Vegas strip excitement MGM is famous for when you play classics like MGM Grand Millions, or popular games like Blackjack, Baccarat, and Roulette. Download the BenMGM casino app today. BenMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. Did you know that more than 50% of food waste in Toronto homes is avoidable?

By cutting down on food waste, you can help protect the environment and save money. Simple actions like planning your meals, storing food correctly, and using everything you purchase make a big difference. Learn how to make every bite count at toronto.ca slash food waste. Hi, Stav. Hey, Elda. Big fan. Long time listener. First time caller. I have a bit of like this situation with a coworker. I'm kind of getting the vibe that she was sort of interested in me romantically, which is fine. But I, if that's the case, I do not share that interest. I'm thinking that just because for the past couple months, you know, we

have our each other's numbers for work purposes, but she's kind of been, you know, making small talk and texting me randomly asking, you know, if I have any fun plans on the weekend. It's been a lot of that. Yeah, if that's the case, I'm not really interested in that way. I do want to be friends for context. I'm an elementary school teacher. Work with almost no men obviously, you know mostly woman and also mostly older and

Leaning a bit conservative which is fine. Not really, you know my type of people So I don't have a lot of friends that work But you know, I would consider this woman a friend and I want to stay friends with her so I'm not sure how to approach this and avoid any awkwardness and Yeah I'm not sure how to approach this and avoid any awkwardness and Yeah, if I'm sending any wrong messages or if I'm gonna have to address this at some point or ignore it So any advice you have I really appreciate it. Thank you. Bye. Bye Wow Wow, this guy convinced that juicy prick is gonna lose him a friend

This is crazy, I mean has she she said, I mean, I get that she's, it is possible that she's being nice. You know what I mean? This hasn't, she hasn't asked you out or anything like that. I don't think you have anything to do now, just you have to be ready if she tries to, if she tries to switch it up, you have to be ready to support your position and you know, maybe bring up a fake person you're dating or something like that. You know, get her off the scent. You get to be the hot girl that friend zones the nerd at work now.

It's nice. It's just, I'm sure a change of pace for you, but I don't think it's an issue yet. I don't know. I mean, she hasn't made a big deal of it. She's just texting you, so. Maybe if you do hang out outside of work, it's only friend situations, but, you know. This is one of the nice things about being a man

in our society, this isn't a dangerous situation for you. This woman's not gonna stalk you and, you know, follow you home if you, know reject her probably I don't know who knows you might be small she might be large but I don't think it's a big deal what do you think yeah I mean I mean first of all if you think you're gonna be have a civilized conversation we go I still want to keep you as a friend you're living in a dream world You've already made an enemy for life. By not talking to him to begin with.

So don't give yourself... There's no getting away from this with you looking like a nice guy. Just know that. So, just tell her you're on OCD medicine and you can't come. That's a good boy. Lady, look, the tap is shut off. Yeah, I like what you said, which is make up either a fake relationship or make up a fake disease. Something that's half psychological and half STD related.

Nice 50-50 split. Keep away from her. It is interesting though, because making up a fake relationship, if her behavior towards you changes, then you know she is trying to fuck you. She is interested. What are you fun things you doing this weekend? Of course she is. That's the tell right there. Probably, yes. What are you doing this weekend?

You're right. I'm just saying you got to do our due diligence here. We just have to rule out all causes. This could just be a friendly woman. She's not friendly. She could be a foreigner, doesn't know American. You know what I mean? Baltimore City Public Schools has a lot of Filipinos

that they bring in to teach their very- Oh, is it New York? Is it New York? Oh, I don't know where this is from. No, I was just know where this is from. No, I was just guessing. Oh. I'm just saying, I have friends who work in schools, a lot of overly friendly foreigners

trying to make American friends. Yeah, but they, yeah, that's good for her. You're probably right. She could be lonely, but I think it's, yeah, obviously. You're probably right, you know, just, we still gotta run the tests to make sure. But even the fact that he goes, she might be attracted to me, which is fine. It's like, I mean, what's going on here? This woman's ugly.

I mean, that's what's happening. This guy's not fucking like that's all there is to this question. Yeah. Also, you seem very detached from the whole relationship thing. I think you might be asexual again Again, yeah, that's the possible again, I'm not going to rule anything out. But I do feel strongly he just doesn't want to fuck her at all. And if you did even for if

there was even one element of him that wanted one thing he found attractive, this would be Hey, um, how do I break up with someone at work without my boss finding out and me getting fired? If she was hot, that's the question we're answering. By the way, I know it's not New York City. He said all the other women are older conservative teachers. Yeah, yeah.

New York City? Come on. Yeah. And first of all, he's chatting away on the phone with a, you can't be chatting with some girl and expect her not to get attached to you. Are they talking or are they texting? I think he said she sends like texts. Okay. Either way. Either way, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's texting. That's a relationship. Are they talking or they texting? I think he said she sends like texts. Okay, either way either way

Texting that's a relationship. I think you're right. I'm just saying you never know but yes You're finding the vibe. Yeah, he's got it. You're fine. Just just fucking make up a girlfriend Yeah, but girlfriend or boyfriend or something. Yeah. Oh That's lying, but whatever fuck this guy. He's's right, he's gotta put a stop to it. It's about to get ugly, it's already gotten ugly. In her mind. Now I will say, if she isn't unattractive, this is another unfortunate reality of the world we live in.

Ugly women are beaten down by society so much, if he rejects her she might just be like, okay, ha ha ha. You know what I mean? Brutal but true. In a way that a disgruntled man might take. That's right. You know, guys all like, yeah, she's on me. Fuckin bitch.

It's unbelievable. All right. So hopefully the patriarchy is your friend in this, my friend. Hey, I'm just curious what you think an appropriate timeline would be for a couple in their early 30s who are together, what an appropriate timeline is to move in together, engage, marry, and obviously going to various catch-all there's people been together for a week move in get married last forever there's people who've been together for like six years and then it doesn't work out we but just your

personal opinion and also your guest's opinion what you think an appropriate timeline for those relationships landmarks. Okay, hope the podcast will be worth it. I mean, is there ever been a clearer question of what's actually, what the subtext of a question is? Has it ever been clearer that this woman whose loser boyfriend loves me, right? She doesn't listen to the show. They've been fighting about moving in together.

She's like, okay, let's see what your fucking idiot podcast host has to say about it. And if... There's a guy sitting in the chair next to her. He's just like, please stop, please stop, please stop, please stop. Don't say what she thinks. Don't say what she thinks. He just... When this comes out, it's going to be the tensest moment in this relationship ever. They're just waiting for it to drop like it's a fucking bomb.

Everybody else is waiting for the election. They're waiting for this. Wow. This is their election, yeah. This is it. This is it. Fuck. Decision 2024. Do I ask her to marry me or do we break up? Um, okay. Couple in their 30s who are together. What an appropriate timeline is to move in together and get...

You're asking, see, here's where you fucked up, lady. And I'm sorry, I'm not gonna assume you don't listen to the show. Maybe you're a good fan, a good friend, a good fan of the show, whatever. You fucked up because you were asking me, one of the most emotionally immature men in America. And even my friend here who is in a happy really like you guys dated a long time. Yeah. I mean, you met when you were younger, but still. Yeah, we I waited a while. And it was pretty clear you were going to end up together.

But you just had that weird we have a you don't have the disease as bad as I do but they're just like I don't know Yeah, there's I mean, you know Yes, I think I think men in general skew a little you know, well we're together. What's the big? We gotta get the freaking government and now all of a sudden everybody's a libertarian when it comes to fucking getting married They're like Okay, I don't know I mean early 30s See I feel like in general if you ask like a single guy in this 30s and a single girl in their 30s their answers Will be pretty far apart and what do you think the guy would say to get okay to move in together i'm saying two years minimum just to move in and then

from moving into engagement i guess could happen within that year and then married another year four or five years i don't know yeah not probably not what she wants to see I don't fucking know I feel like in general women in their 30s would be like you should know two years moving like by a year when you're dating in your 30s and yeah maybe you're engaged by like two years but I'm such a boy I'm just a boy I'm just a young boy and. She's not gonna get the answer she wants on the record here, unfortunately. Well, who knows? Maybe we're being misogynist, maybe it's flipped.

Maybe this guy really wants, I'm sure that's what it is. I'm sure a fan of this podcast really wants to commit, but the hot woman he's with doesn't want to. I don't know, any thoughts on this, Kyle, before I have a couple other ideas here? Sure, I mean, we all know that, like you said, it's like Chris Rock's joke, remember he did a joke, he goes, women, after three dates, they're like,

why are we bullshitting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I mean, that's basically it. This guy's stalling for time. Right, right, right. We all know the drill. We've all been pieces of shit our whole lives. The more you let him get away with,

the more they get away with. And you really have to. The bottom line is she's gonna have to just lower the boom in a loving way and say, listen, I understand. This is not, you know what I mean? She just says to tell him you know a lot of people say hey I'm gonna break up I don't even agree with

that because sometimes the guy wants you to do that right yeah you know regretted in a long run so I think she needs to just be alpha and just go listen whatever stuff says whatever anyone says we're not just moving in together we're moving together we're anyone says, we're not just moving in together, we're moving together, we're getting engaged and we're setting a date for marriage. It's happening. And if you try to get out of it, you're going to regret it. And I'm going to have a couple of kids, this is happening.

After the second kid, you can decide whether you want to continue or not. But if you try to get out of it, there will be a price to pay. There will be consequences. I think threats is the only way. Threats is the only way. That is true. That honestly would work on me. In the old days, the culture would threaten you guys.

Of course. Your mother would say it and you'd be like, ah, my mother, the women in the family would say it. And then the men would shock you and go, hey, you hear what they said to you? You're getting married. Get married. And you're like, what the fuck? Or you'd be shunned from the family and friend circle.

Yeah. Well, the men would be like, get married and fucking get a girlfriend. They'd be like, what are you doing? They're like, get married. They're doing this because they understood the importance of community. Of course.

The scene in Goodfellas where he's like, you got to go. Right. You got to go back. I can't have it. Robert Deer is like, it's annoying me. You can't be here. It's like at least there was the facade of a happy family. That's right. But I will, okay, so we gave you the answer you didn't want to hear, but I also, at first, but I will also say I could see, I mean being in your 30s, like I could see a scenario where, I've been a procrastinator my whole life. I always wait till the last second.

I could see being in a serious relationship in the next year or two and really jump in the timeline. Just because I'm at the point in my life where I'm like, what am I doing? I don't wanna live like a fucking kid anymore. So if I find somebody I really connect with, I could see, I just said five years, I could see it happening in a year or two, honestly.

It just is case by case. Clearly that's not what's happening here with them, but I think, I just wanted to give her a little ray of hope of like, yeah, I could also see it being very fast because, I don't know, that's always how I've done everything in my life. I just feel like any delay is just we all know We all feel it all the time. Yeah, just I mean, it's like

Saying I'm gonna join the gym in a year She's gonna lay down the law I've done that before I've worked my way He's living in that magic, imaginary place that we all love. Yeah. You know what I mean? Everything's she's like biological imperative. Yeah. Yeah. And she's got to, you know, she's got to say, listen, you know, not only is this happening, it's not a question of breaking up.

You have no choice. I love that. I didn't even consider that because you're right. A coward, certainly like this, like myself, would love the out. You just want you just don't want responsibility, whether it's marriage or like this. I don't have to worry anymore. You just understand. Yeah. You said the perfect word.

Yeah. This guy, your boyfriend's a coward. You're a coward without question, without question. It's time for you to lower the perfect word. This guy, your boyfriend's a coward. He's a pure coward without question. Without question. It's time for you to lower the bull. This is nothing but cowardice and he can be controlled easier than you think. He needs to be bullied.

He needs to be bullied. I would love that. That's my dream. A hot woman forcing me to marry her. That's right. I'm putting it on my vision board. That's how they used to marry her. That's right. I'm putting it on my vision board. That's how they used to do it. Everybody, it was like this is what's happening. If you don't want it, go live somewhere else. Yes, yes, yes. They would say go get that

magic apartment in Manhattan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a year. You'll see. Alright, you got something good for us to go out on here, Elvis? We've already taken enough of Colin's time. Where's the one where the Albanian was calling you a dumb Albanian? I don't know. A lot of them start like that. I should have known. Elvis is one of those real Albanian names.

You know what I mean? Yes. Elvis is Albanian, Puerto Rican names, you know what I mean? Yes. Elvis is Albanian, Puerto Rican, like those exotic names from the old days. It's El Dis with a, it's a mix of two women's Albanian names. Oh, El Dis, okay. Yeah, but you know, that's nice. It sounds like it. Did you know that more than 50% of food waste in Toronto homes is avoidable?

By cutting down on food waste, you can help protect the environment and save money. Simple actions like planning your meals, storing food correctly, and using everything you purchase make a big difference. Learn how to make every bite count at toronto.ca slash food waste. Hey Torontonians, recycling is more than a routine. It's a vital responsibility. By recycling properly, you help conserve resources, reduce energy use in greenhouse gas emissions, and protect the environment.

Toronto's Blue Bin Recycling Program ensures the majority of the right items are recovered and transformed into new products. Recycling right is important and impactful. Let's work together and make a difference because small actions lead to big change. For more tips on recycling, visit toronto.ca slash recycle right. Well, Stavi, a longtime fan just took a girl out to see left-starded cult.

Thank you for the film. That was fantastic. I thought it was a lot funnier than she did, but I got a beager after. So just wanted to give you a shout out. Appreciate it. Thank you for that and laugh. Peace. Great question, man. Thanks for seeing the movie. I'm happy you got your dick sucked at the end of the movie. Have you got anybody telling you they've gotten head after? tea and stamps Watch fire up the YouTube special get your dick sucked folks learn about the election

Well, that's nice. I like to hear that this guy got sucked off after going That's the kind of thing. I'm trying to bring back entertainment wise, but alright Well, let's start a cult will be in VOD and probably is out by now. I don't fucking know and Watch column specials on YouTube right now for free and all the one-man I mean, I'm a big fan of all the one-man shows. I went to the New York story I went to the I think it was was, I think I saw it, I don't know where it was, but it was like a nice, a fun, I don't know if it was the, when it opened,

the opening night? Well, I'll save you the trouble of my one Greek friend, Tina, who's also from MTV. She goes, you really can't do the Greek accent. I was like, I know! It wasn't good, that is true. I go, I know! But it's a, that is true. I know. But it's a great, I mean, I love the, you know, we got into, we didn't have enough time

to talk about everything, but I do love all the one man shows and I do love that you start with, that you're actually drilling into a topic and it's, you actually do learn stuff. And if you're a big fan of whatever topic you're into, I mean, everybody that moves to New York loves it. So that went to me really resonated because that was my baby.

It was awesome. It was so good. I mean, they're all great. So check out the newest one. It's out right now on YouTube. We'll link to it here. And yeah, we'll see you guys next time. Colin, thanks buddy.

Thank you. Thanks, Tom. Bye guys. Thanks, Elvis.