Stavvy's World - #108 - Joe List

Starting point is 00:00:00 Buh-bye! Welcome everybody to Stavvy's World. 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve your problems. On this beautiful Monday of Christmas week. In fact, Elvis, why don't you play us a little something different? Maybe... Yeah, isn't that nice? It's beautiful. It's beautiful. The kids are, you know, you're out there buying your last-minute gifts I bought nothing well you're fine your mate your son is he doesn't know what the hell's going on well we got that we got the boys gifts of Sarah did that okay that's my money my friend Derek is a funny point and I always laughed at it like I'm like oh he's such a hilarious asshole but now I feel it he's

Starting point is 00:00:43 like every Christmas he's like can you just put me down for like the house and the cars and everything to help insurance? Like just put my name on that like I that's my gift. I guess my gift to you you fucking thankless I work every every day is a present every day you draw breath is a gift Every fucking week. I gotta go a couple blocks and talk about whether or not I would or would not eat my dad's come And I work hard we I work hard in the podcasting mines thousands of dollars a year Would you eat your dad's come if you had to? What are the parameters?

Starting point is 00:01:28 Let's make this bit a reality. Let's actually talk about it on Christmas. Well, would you rather eat your mother out to completion or blow your dad to completion? The age old... And you can't do them both, by the way. Put me down.

Starting point is 00:01:44 Put me down for the combo. Yeah. Put me down. You got a two. Put me down for the combo platter. Put me down for the TGI Fridays. Three mozzarella sticks, four chicken wings, some bruschetta. How about those motz sticks last night, by the way? Was that something else? Yeah. They were good after the air fryer. You sure brought Eldest.

Starting point is 00:02:01 Eldest, you're always welcome. Oh, I should have. I went to Joe's. we had a little holiday party. I just thought there was no help invited. Wow. That you couldn't bring your, you know, did people bring their maids? I was thinking you guys were friends. I forget.

Starting point is 00:02:19 Oh no, no, no. Purely, purely a business relationship. Stop doesn't answer my calls. Like, dude, I need a Stop doesn't answer my calls. Like, dude, I need a green light on this fucking post. Is this caption OK? Good for you. Oh, Nansen.

Starting point is 00:02:36 No, we couldn't have had Elders in there, man. Me and Elders were taking up too much real too much living room real estate. Yeah, good point. It's a small place. That's the problem. It's a nice sized place with a hang layout. You know, we really would have taken up a lot of space. Well, some people just stood the entire time. I felt kind of bad. And then I had the baby the whole time. Sarah kept being like,

Starting point is 00:02:54 I'm taking over and I'll believe it when I see it, bitch. You okay, babe? That's so true. We gotta take women down to Peg this Christmas. We have to take mothers and women down to peg on Christmas. Oh, you carried the baby. I'm carrying him now. That's right. Carried for nine months. I carried him for nine hours at a party. That's so true, man. He's cute as hell. Yeah, he's sweet. He's fun.

Starting point is 00:03:21 Yeah, he likes you. You know, I think you and Karen were the first two visitors and I think that lingers. He can tell. He can tell. No, he's a... I do think babies like him because I look like a giant baby. I have baby features, baby characteristics. Yeah. I make them feel comfortable. I think you're right. You know, I should... but I do feel bad. I should provide a service where I Betray babies trust so they know cuz I'm the only guy that looks like me that a baby should trust Right. I mean, I don't want Marty to see me and be like balding guys So it's gonna break my heart I'm gonna have to at some point I was a treat your son like Harry and the Hendersons where they yell at him at the end

Starting point is 00:04:03 Are you gonna they hate him like it just a light Where it's not sure? This is not a good guy. Yeah, you tell me I'm not gonna Maybe with a Q-tip. Just Merry Christmas. Alright cut. That's enough. We'll just beep that whole thing Elders. But we'll leave in the act out. Totally mute. Just us laughing. We'll leave in Q-tip. The phrase show me on the doll.

Starting point is 00:04:44 I trust you, man. I'm going to give you some Christmas. Your Christmas gift is a little chance to show off your creativity, Eldis. I know how you're always looking for more opportunities to be creative, man. Ha ha ha, Joe, that anecdote about Boston or parenthood was so good. Thank you. We should also let the people was so good. Thank you. We should also let the people know where they can see you, you know, what shows you have coming up. Big shows everybody, huge, huge shows.

Starting point is 00:05:16 January, my move, my film, Tom Dustin, portrait of a comedian is gonna be playing in Somerville, Massachusetts. And then it's gonna be coming to theaters all over we got distribution Yeah, crazy, you know a little thing about that a little bit about that. I see your movie. Let's start a cult, please It's on Amazon. Oh really I can watch it today. Yeah, you can rent it. No shit. Yeah, okay I'm doing a good job getting the word out if my closest friends don't even know that Kennedy was killed oh my god yes John F oh I thought it was Bobby

Starting point is 00:05:53 Jr. he's gonna take polio vaccines away finally what a bag of turds, that guy is. But anyways, yes, January 9th, Somerville, Massachusetts, my film. Have you watched the movie yet? I haven't yet. We're even, we're even. Yeah, well mine's been out a lot longer. No, when, I was gonna see it.

Starting point is 00:06:15 I was on the road when it came out. Maybe you're right. Anyways, the point is, it's out January 19th in Somerville, then it'll be in theaters everywhere, and then Kansas City, January 15th of the 17th the weekend after that Sunnyvale, California love it January 25th of the 27 something like that and the big one April 19th Patriots Day in Boston Wilbur theater Oh, yeah, and that I'm gonna be I'm gonna be outside with a pressure cooker

Starting point is 00:06:43 You drunkenly attended that's barely being a survivor my first year sober okay I was four months sober at the time and I was very close I was at the mile mark and it free odd non or whatever his name is one mile away and you probably do want him free you fucking communist piece of shit and you probably want what's this Luigi to be free Luigi for sure free Luigi give him another gun set him loose. Penny, so yeah, come see me at the Wilba April 19th, Minneapolis ACME April 10th to the 12th. Go see Joe and then of course we have Let's Start a Cult, Out for Rental and the Dreamboat Tour, very important. Tickets are out now, we're going all over the place. Me and Elvis hitting the road on a bus, we're west coast all

Starting point is 00:07:42 the way, Midwest, parts of the south, we're gonna end up in Toronto, end up in D.C. So it's gonna be a big tour. We're gonna be going from mid-February all the way till May. Wow. Yeah, we're out there hitting the road. That's crazy. So buy your tickets. They're already, they're selling pretty well.

Starting point is 00:07:58 We've already sold out a couple. Get them now. I know it seems early, but you know, February will be here. February, March, April, May, they'll be here before you know it. So grab you know February will be here February March April May they'll be here before you know it so grab your tickets now and they make great Christmas gifts by the way they do make great Christmas last minute Christmas gift you go hey I got you tickets to see Stavros I get tickets to see lists that's actually a great that's a great point they are this is very well

Starting point is 00:08:20 very good all this these are actually great Christmas gifts and you don't have to do shit you're online and you get them out people will love them the calendar is out of course we have t-shirts So check it out. We got a lot of last-minute Christmas gifts at Stavi dot biz They will not if you're watching today the physical stuff won't get here But on Monday of Christmas you can buy a ticket print out the ticket you're good You're golden. Try that out, folks. Go get tickets to see me and Joe.

Starting point is 00:08:49 Say, you know, perfect last minute gift for your family. And anyway, let's go back to those fun anecdotes about your big-dicked uncle. That comes like 20 minutes after. I know. How about Karen yesterday, she shows up with a hot coffee and just puts it on his little table. Just walks away. She's out, she's out, and then he takes it out, just picks it up and dumps it.

Starting point is 00:09:13 Like he just won the Super Bowl. Boiling hot coffee all down his arm, onto his head. Just mutilated. Like thank you. Oh, that's why he had coffee stains on his little shirt. Yeah, yeah, that was before you got there. Yeah, I got before you got there. He was just all brown.

Starting point is 00:09:27 Like your neighbors. Time to move on from this place. Alright Joe, we get it. You left Astoria where you've been for what, 15 years? 18. What a shithole. 18 years. A whole legal adult. An entire legal adult. I don't know how you do it. It's just trash everywhere. a whole legal adult Just trash everywhere and had and Joe how he forgets I haven't seen a nanny since I got here. Yeah

Starting point is 00:09:56 Yeah, the kids here just looked after by their grandmothers basically That's nature's nanny the grandmother. I had a little girl asked me if I was a nanny the other day He's like are you his nanny? No little girl asked me if I was a nanny the other day. She's like, are you his nanny? I was like, no. In your neighborhood. Yeah, yeah. They're like, no. Why are you? Yeah, well clearly you can't be a parent. Yeah. Parents are doing cocaine and closing deals or on or getting Botox and having, you know, eating pills and drinking white wine. I think that's what they do down there. Yeah. You should come down. I might. Bring Elvis. Yeah, I can can I just need a place with a like closet like a large closet I'll just can live in a half bath for him. Yeah Yeah, I think we have we have room for a small bed in whatever you find and then

Starting point is 00:10:36 If my wife's in town, we can crash on the bed in here. Just yeah We've got bedroom function exactly exactly exactly exactly you will mostly live here That is gonna be so funny if I get a different place. I'm like eldest good news You get the fucking I'll give you a deal on my old bedroom. I'm already so close to utter serf dumb That would be sharecropping I would be sharecropping for Lee. You just thought you'd live here? I couldn't do it. That would be so funny.

Starting point is 00:11:07 But it would be, yeah, it's like I just transfer how shitty it feels for me to live here. I'm like, you know what? That feels bad. I'm gonna get a new place. Elders though, why don't you do it? It'll be convenient. I could call you anytime to make an edit to the podcast. Because I know you'll have access to the computer. Now when you leave here, like, this is like a is like a three bedroom home you're in a house here yeah that's gonna be an adjustment or a lot more money you got to go smaller or like no I'll probably just spend the money 300 times more money yeah I don't I mean I don't really spend money on anything

Starting point is 00:11:37 to be honest with you. I can look at you. I'm not like me with my free Barstool. Yeah, at least I'm wearing clothes I purchased. I always find out, I'm like, I don't know anything about Barstool. Am I just wearing like a swastika? I don't realize it. No, they're not that bad, but it is funny to be constantly, you wear that so much for someone who does not listen to Barstool at all. I don't know literally anything about Barstool. I've been to KFC and that's it. I like PMT. I know the guy.

Starting point is 00:12:07 I'm a part of my take, those guys are awesome. I know the guy eats pizza and I think he's like a Republican. Yes. What's his name? Portnoy. Portnoy. It is hilarious to be like, I'm the guy who eats pizza.

Starting point is 00:12:20 It's like, what? That's what you're proud of that you like pizza? That's fucking stupid. But hey, that guy has somehow become like a billionaire off of like, you know, his blog. So hats off, I suppose. Yeah, hats on. Santa hats.

Starting point is 00:12:35 That's right, Santa hats on on this beautiful Christmas Monday. Joe, recount this. What are some, last time you were here, we did, we had a Thanksgiving episode. We tried to get Bobby, it was very last, this we did we had a Thanksgiving episode we tried to get Bobby It was very last this Christmas episode was very last minute tried to get Bobby He was mad that I asked him to do something last minute

Starting point is 00:12:52 So it's just us boys, but it is Joe. This is Joe list miss here How about some nice Christmas memories, you know, what do you got for us? What was your favorite? What was your favorite toy as a child that you ever got do you remember boy I remember I was a big Star Wars homo so interesting which is interesting because like I wasn't a kid really like 87 88 but those movies just linger I mean they still linger on now but like it was four or five years after Return of the Jedi but it was still like that was the thing wow and I remember coming home and and get it like we did Christmas in the morning at my parents and then we'd go to my One grandparents house and the other grandparents and getting all these toys and coming home and my mother one time was like

Starting point is 00:13:35 Oh my god We totally forgot a present and if she was like it was this one. It wasn't even from them It was like from her work friend and it was like the Ewok Fucking it was like a log that swung and bashed things up. I was a big Ewok guy, which now as an adult, I'm like the Ewoks suck. The gayest part of Star Wars was your favorite. Wow, six, you fucking asshole.

Starting point is 00:13:56 They were fun. And looking back, it just didn't make it, the Ewoks beating up the guy didn't make any sense. They're like throwing logs and rocks. They're like, pfft. Yeah, they're little they're cute little They're basically like the cuddly Vietcong. Yeah, like guerrilla warriors. That's right, which you know, maybe I'm back on board Shout out to uncle Mao

Starting point is 00:14:19 And that's Joe's Ewok impression everybody Doing a bad Ewok impression communist Ewoks yeah they were but yeah Tom Shalhou had a great joke about that you know Tom Shalhou I don't know he's a he's kind of like a Fox News it's more conservative you probably hate him but yeah but he had a great bit years ago he's like I was watching the Iraq well obviously was a long time ago I mean was the Afghan war he's like I was watching the war on the news and he's like I was watching the Iraq war obviously was a long time ago I mean it was the Afghan war he's like I was watching the war on the news and he's like this kind of reminds me of Star Wars like they're like the rebels

Starting point is 00:14:50 and we're like the evil yeah we're the bad guys he's like but it didn't make me change my opinion of the war it made me change my opinion of Star Wars I was like fuck these guys these rebels almost for one second showed some like critical thought he's like no no actually That's good. He almost for one second showed some like critical thought. He's like, no, no, actually, it's the space Nazis that are the good guys. That's a funny bit. Maybe I'm missing something, but he was like. Well, that's because that's the easy way.

Starting point is 00:15:18 It's a twist. Right, right, right. It's a funny twist. You don't know comedy. I'm sorry. You don't know politics or comedy. I don't know comedy and I unfortunately have sympathy for the people of Iraq that we killed for no reason.

Starting point is 00:15:28 Well, I think he's joking a little. I know, I know, I know. I'm kidding. What no reason? They were going to take over everything. They had the nuclear bomb, you read that. I watched the news. They had nukes under the ground.

Starting point is 00:15:42 They were going to shoot us in the... Just stopped watching the news like in 2002 They were gonna get us Jesus Man poor Saddam may he rest in peace. What a good guy Now you probably don't like the Vietnam War either because you think communism wasn't that big of a deal You think the Viet Cong wasn't gonna take over the entire planet that big of a deal. You think the Viet Cong wasn't gonna take over the entire planet? Folks I gotta tell you about Thuma, a modern design company that has some of

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Starting point is 00:16:51 then just because it was easy didn't mean it was cheap. It has like this interesting, I don't know, it's like these like notches that go into each other. It's like Japanese joint, jointery I believe it's called. Joinery. Joinery, sorry. Jointery. Japanese joinery, brother. Smoke a dude and put your bed together, man. It's awesome. It's crafted from solid wood, precision cut for a silent stable foundation. I can never put anything together. I put this together five minutes just by myself. I love this bed, they have a ton of awesome stuff. You know, I have the classic bed, you might also want to check out their Nest Dresser, the Pillar Bookshelf. Now that I'm going to be spending

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Starting point is 00:18:24 X-Wing, Fighter, all the shit. It was awesome. Those I remember really enjoying a lot. Maybe a bicycle, I don't know. Christmas was always... So it was all Star Wars stuff for you, huh? As a little kid, yeah. I loved, loved, loved the Star Wars.

Starting point is 00:18:37 Yeah. Yeah, I, we were, I remember watching Star Wars when I was like six or seven for the first time at Thanksgiving, because I had like six or seven for the first time at Thanksgiving Because I had like an older family friend show to me and being like hell. Yeah, dude. I'm a fucking Jedi Give me a little lightsaber get right that shit, but we didn't get them. I think yeah, I think it was very video game based From for me all my best presents were like I remember getting the Super Nintendo the GameCube was a big one. Oh yeah the GameCube when I was I mean I was already in high school but it was like the best moment me and my brothers probably had the our best

Starting point is 00:19:12 relationship where we had to like enjoy the GameCube for the first two weeks together. That's sweet. See I never went above Sega. Sega Genesis was my last system or whatever. You're a big Sonic guy? I love Sonic, yeah. I love Sonic and Chick-fil-A. Hello, folks. No, I was a bit Sonic, but video games, like sci-fi, wrestling, all ended for me at an appropriate age.

Starting point is 00:19:37 Like, I was 11, I was out. Right, right, right. I got into like The Godfather. Right, drinking. Yeah, yeah. I didn't drink till later, but I was like, I got really into sport Ken Griffey jr. and like Michael Jordan and the Godfather became like the nucleus of the Goodfellas yeah at 11, 12 yeah like I watched

Starting point is 00:19:55 wrestling I mean the fact that there's people well this show I'm probably gonna trigger a lot of people yeah being like WrestleMania 75's coming on, everybody come over. It is the funniest part of Soder. Is that he's like, he's like, is that with the same earnestness and like, like depth and like love that he has and as a good friend as he is, he will turn that exact level of love and care and devotion,

Starting point is 00:20:19 if not more, to wrestling. Yeah. And it's like, damn, for a second I'm like I respect so much that maybe wrestling isn't gay but it is obviously it's pretty gay and it look it's fun I remember were you there where we got high and watched the Royal Rumble on like YouTube or was that me and Benny butt cheeks oh fuck yeah that was at your house right that was fun I mean yeah to like just kind of pop in as a nostalgic thing right when you're with the fellows and you're stoned And it's like let's just throw on a royal rock like those are far like you throw on like some old guys that you remember

Starting point is 00:20:53 But to keep up with it is kind of tough Oh, no, I watch wrestling all the time now like I was just watching it on the rot like Saturday night main event from like 88 89 you give me like a bret hart versus randy savage eighties i love it because now and everything that was fun when you're a kid is fun to watch as adult through the eyes of like adulthood of like well these guys like swillin beers in the back and thinking about going over and actually doing it that stuff is neat and fun

Starting point is 00:21:21 yeah but the idea of being like, I don't know, he's going to win. USC really has destroyed the wrestling. Right. Like it's an actual fight. Real now. It's a cool, real fight. Yeah. Yeah. So, and it is, and it's the characters are interesting too. It's always like, these like cyborg, like, you know, Chechens or like a colorful Irishman or like, you know, some fucking Jack, the Jack is Jack this black dude you've ever seen in your life. Yeah. Andmen or like you know some fucking jet the jackass Jack this black dude you've ever seen in your life Yeah, and just like you know it's farce this former there's former Olympians like it really is a fun mix of people

Starting point is 00:21:54 No, it's the best and yeah, no you're right It really has taken over that because you can't I mean I guess plenty of people I mean the W I think they the same company bought both so they're trying to like kind of Which I guess makes sense to kind of like marry the brands together in a weird way, but who knows Yeah, that's interesting. I was we stopped watching wrestling because I gave my brothers a black eye Doing a stone-cold stunner. No, we're so different in age. Like, stone cold was... I guess I was in high school when that came out. But I missed that whole thing.

Starting point is 00:22:30 Yeah, we have just enough of a... we have just a little gap in our ages. I was born in 89. Yeah, I was 82. So I was 7. A nice 7 years. You were 7. That would have been nice, man. That would have been fun. I would have been happy to show you the ropes. Hang out with some fat little baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have been happy to show you the ropes. Hang out with some fat little baby.

Starting point is 00:22:45 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could have been good for you I think. Good influence, you know. Did you do much, like was there, because you only had a sister right? I had an older sister, yeah. So was there like fighting and stuff on Christmas? What were the vibes like between? I think Christmas we always got along, we would fight a little bit, and then I had like a big extended family.

Starting point is 00:23:06 I have like a cousin who's like three months older than me, and then a cousin who's four years older, and I have an uncle, of course, Uncle Dale, who's like four years older than me. So there was a bunch of us, kids. Oh man, that's so funny. We were like opening presents with your uncle. It's the weirdest, we've talked about it before,

Starting point is 00:23:21 we're like, I have all these stories, people are like, your uncle? And I was like, oh sorry, we're the same age, yeah.. Yeah, I was like I was not stealing street signs and fucking fat women Which I never thought was wait everything's normal when you're everything you do is just normal So you're like, you know your uncle that's the same age as you Your uncle that buys you booze when you're 17 and he's 21 Yeah, exactly and nice try you try to get laid together I remember I've tried this is a better Michael and I went to Vegas together, and he's like alright. We got pussy contest

Starting point is 00:23:58 And he had like a system. He's like five points for a fat chick Eight points for an old lady a black woman's ten points whatever it was, you know, a peg leg is it that whatever? And I was like We're not those guys Fuck like a bunch of women. I'm out of my fuck one woman It's a thousand points and neither of us even spoke to a woman Not the deal he's like a firefighter, and he's very handsome, he's got a huge cock,

Starting point is 00:24:27 he's like, yeah, yeah, he's got a leg of a cock. And by the way, I was just at the firehouse and we were recounting when you were there. That was a great time. And he's still like, if you bring it up, he's like, allegedly, like we have a union and shit, like you can't just have naked. I didn't, for anyone wondering,

Starting point is 00:24:42 how long, how long was this, like eight years ago? When was this, like nine years ago? Must've been more money, maybe it like eight years ago was just like nine years ago That's been more money. Maybe it was eight years ago eight or nine years ago eight or nine years ago when I did a gig With Joe it was actually me you who Tim Didn't know yeah me you Tim Who are there a couple other people in the show, but we I definitely did not pose nude on a fire truck. That did not happen. I actually, and even if it did,

Starting point is 00:25:11 I had, the image is lost to time. So there actually isn't any, oh you have it? Yeah, of course. I have the alleged photo, yeah. What I did pose nude on is your family's pool table. Yeah, pool table. Where we made your whole family clear out. Leave the room.

Starting point is 00:25:28 And Tim has like a thing of 100. We can put that in right here. We can put that in right here. Yeah, yeah. We got a bunch of hundred dollar bills. You're like a boy. You've aged horrendously. You look 11.

Starting point is 00:25:38 It's just crazy. I know, I was completely hairless. I had a, like, and it was like, it's so funny to think about My whole bread and butter was just jokes about how fat and disgusting I was and I truly weighed Maybe 90 pounds less than I'd like I wasn't even that fat actually well This is the thing and you should be grateful for the size you are now because in a few years. You'll be triple because in a few years you'll be triple this. So just enjoy yourself.

Starting point is 00:26:05 Just live it. Love it. You're so right, man. I'm going to look so bad. This is the best you've looked. You're going to be like, remember back in 2024, Christmas? I looked like a rail. I can still buy clothes in some stores. When I didn't have to have every piece of clothing specially made for me.

Starting point is 00:26:24 Yeah, you're going to be all great. You're gonna look like Santa. That'll be a nice, you know, nice fort. I'll be... That's a nice way to go out in your 40s, your late 40s, you know. Oh, you got a lot of that. Come on, buddy. Okay, 52. 52 is nice. That's decent. That'll be impressive. Ho, ho, ho, Mary Jo-list-mus. Or should I say...

Starting point is 00:26:48 BELL RINGS Mary Shopify-mus. That is what I should say, because for me and everybody here at Stavvy Baby Enterprises, using Shopify for our online store, it's like Christmas every day, baby. It's a gift using Shopify. You don't understand how bootleg it used to be

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Starting point is 00:28:18 But yeah, no, that was awesome. And what was I talking about? I don't even know. Uncle Dale. Uncle Dale's a man. The Vegas trip. Oh yeah, Vegas. We thought we were gonna get laid. No one gets pussy. Yeah, I don't even know. Uncle Dale. Uncle Dale's a man. The Vegas trip. Oh yeah, Vegas. We thought we were gonna get laid. No one gets pussy. Yeah, I don't get pussy like that. And looking back I could, this is what's so frustrating. Now I have some confidence. I'm fun. I could have, I just thought nobody wanted to fuck me ever.

Starting point is 00:28:36 It's the classic, that's why everyone's fantasy is like Put me back in my body. Right. Like just beam me into high school me. I'd be the fucking man But is that even true? I mean you probably would fuck like Like three girls and then realized like oh, I don't know math I'm stupider now like if I had to do high school homework I would fit I would be a much worse student right now Oh a hundred percent like I would have to fucking like do regimented bullshit I could never do it. No, I've tried to do like

Starting point is 00:29:09 multiplication recently Number and I was like, I don't know or division like It's crazy But we have calculators we have calculators even like right. I guess I could probably write an essay pretty easily That's the one thing I'm better at I could write a five paragraph like that's hilarious to think about how much you were sweating five paragraphs But any math or science or having to sit there for a long time? Although maybe I get jacked now. I'm convincing myself again. Yeah, it would be cool

Starting point is 00:29:43 But then you wouldn't have any of your friends, none of your pals. Right. I would leave Eldis in the dust, Eldis would be confused by how, that would be so funny if one of us went back in time, how that would affect our relationship. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'd surpass you. You'd be working for me. Yeah, you just go back in time. Every recording, all the recordings of all my stand up you have, you would memorize them.

Starting point is 00:30:11 I'd be like, wow, I'm so happy for Elvis. But something feels off about this my whole life. Wasn't there a premise of a movie recently where the Beatles didn't exist and so the guy made all the Beatles music? Yeah, which is the most like, all right, let's hang it up, boomers. It's enough, it's enough, guys. It's all right, the Beatles were good, we get it,

Starting point is 00:30:33 but it's 50 years later, 60, whatever, it's longer than that, and no one would be like, some kid who, if yesterday didn't exist then, some Indian guy does it now No one's gonna be like what a genius you're like That's kind of a nice song. I guess no get like 40,000 views Dwarf by Stavis world Again the songs okay, but did you see stop he talked about eating a lady's ass out on Thanksgiving

Starting point is 00:31:03 If that's appropriate, you lady's ass out on Thanksgiving. If that's appropriate. You can't do that on Thanksgiving. You can't be eating ass on Thanksgiving. That's one of the worst days to eat ass. Oh, the brave souls who've attempted ass eating after two full plates. I haven't eaten ass in a long time. My wife doesn't want me to eat her ass. Oh, that's a shame. I want to get in there.

Starting point is 00:31:23 Do you like eating ass? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. get in there. Do you like eating ass? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. It's a little dry, it's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's drier than a pussy, which is kind of yucky. Yeah, something about the asshole

Starting point is 00:31:34 excites me sexually more than a pussy. I don't know what it is. The only thing that sucks is this, I wish there was like something hanging down that you could kind of, while you're eating it, you could kind of- Something like a stress ball. Tug off something. that you could kind of while you're eating it Like a stress ball tug on Your attention you know

Starting point is 00:31:56 Now that would be really yeah, there was a little more hair on it. That would be kind of nice That's the kind of thing I think about yeah Yeah, yeah, you should get your wife something like that a fake hanging appendage That you could tug on while you eat her ass Fuck dude, I love that. I love the idea of going on of going on Adventures with your uncle with your four years older uncle. Oh, it was like the main. He must have been like your main big brother figure. Absolutely. Yeah. No, it was awesome. It was so fun. And then he graduated the fire Academy the same time

Starting point is 00:32:32 I started doing stand up like the same week. So we were like in this new way and then we had all the firemen and comics mixed together, which are very similar occupations because they work like just 24 hour shifts. We work, you know, just 24 hour shifts. We work, you know three half-hour And this I guess drunk and everyone's all drinking in this community women aren't really allowed around Beautiful yeah, it was fucking awesome. Damn. Did he live? Did you ever though? I love the idea of the firehouse as a?

Starting point is 00:33:05 Like concept sounds so sick like if there's no fires going on It's just seems like a clubhouse like in my head they even have the thing you slide down on the pole the pole Yeah, yeah, yeah, well. I think it used to be a lot more like that But now they have their paramedic and they respond to all the heroin call the fentanyl and shit They're in Massachusetts, so I think there's less hanging out. There's a lot more like And now they respond to all the heroin, all the fentanyl and shit. They're in Massachusetts. So I think there's less hanging out. There's a lot more like a lady fell down, a guy's on the ground, sleep, but whatever.

Starting point is 00:33:32 It's a lot of like Narcanning and all that stuff. Interesting. It's all firemen doing that shit, huh? Yeah. Well, there's the ambulance and the fire truck escort each other or accompany each other, whatever. Interesting. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:44 So they do a lot of that is a lot less. They gotta make paramedics their own division With their own cars so firemen can hang out. I think so. I think it's better It's better and also you want a fireman around the junkie There's no I got I got a I got a hunch They don't have the most like their views on junkies aren't they're not giving them the most grace They're like fucking kicking them. They're like get up you fucking piece of shit I was playing Diablo 3 and I had a Stouffer's lasagna in the toaster oven and you fucked it up for me well the people they should send is the fucking cops to throw them in the

Starting point is 00:34:17 slamming these fucking people it's enough already no bail don't pass Yeah, Joe's becoming more conservative after moving into Manhattan Yeah, your classics downtown Republican You know what's sad is the rain it used to to snow, it doesn't snow. This should be snow. It's raining. I got wet feet, which I remember last year I came you gave me socks, which I still wear. You want some more socks? Nah, nah, that's alright. I'll give you more socks. Well last time was my fault I had taken a shower. Oh that's right, it wasn't even raining. It was a white floor. It was before you got here. You were really mad at me and you know what I deserved it.

Starting point is 00:35:05 But there's no more snow. No white Christmas. I'm having a white Christmas because I live in Battery Park City, if you know what I mean. That could be a cocaine or a racial makeup joke. But don't you miss the snow? Don't you think of snow and Christmas together?

Starting point is 00:35:21 Christmas, December is the best time for snow of course afterwards It's like if it's those like January and February you're like fuck this this sucks It's gray. Yeah, all you're thinking of is the slush you're thinking about your commute But if it's snowing on a week that you're just gonna be home anyway Yeah, it's and it's so beautiful to just let the the little sprinkles fall down. You're fucking drinking hot cocoa. It's beautiful, yeah. It's the best. Are you gonna go to Mass? I gotta go to Massachusetts.

Starting point is 00:35:49 First we go to Texas. Oh wow. Because Sarah's family's there. And for some reason, it's very- Opposite of a Christmas vibe right there. I know. Too hot. It's very frustrating.

Starting point is 00:36:00 Because the last few Christmases we did here in New York and now we have a one and a half year old. And they're like, we're going back to Texas. I'm like, great and now we have a one and a half year old and they're like we're going back to Texas great the one and a half year old buys you three years of New York I would think well that's what I said I put my foot down like next year we're doing New York cuz net now he doesn't know anything about Santa he's a year old he doesn't really give a shit isn't know what the hell's going on but next year I'm like I'm not telling my son that Santa will find our Airbnb in the hill country.

Starting point is 00:36:26 It's like, come on, that's crazy. Like you wanna have a Christmas with decorations and the bullshit. So next year I think we're gonna have morning Christmas easy in New York and hopefully no family comes. And then as soon as we're done in Texas, we fly back to New York and then drive to Massachusetts for that New Year's week.

Starting point is 00:36:43 We do New Year's Eve and have Christmas out there with my family. Oh, that travel sucks. It's a lot of travel, especially with the baby and uh... I say you fake something, you make some kind of illness happen. Yeah, that's not bad. Maybe I'll try to do that. Well, we're going to Austin so I can get some... Right. ...some gigs in.

Starting point is 00:36:59 Some stage time. Oh, never mind. Yeah. I take it back. Yeah. It's totally worth it. Maybe we'll make podcasts while I'm there and um, you know. Oh, I see what this lock them up stuff is about. Yeah, I take it back Podcasts while I'm there and you know, oh I see what this lock them up stuff is about Yeah, you're trying to get on record. You're trying to get a good you tried to kill Tony with Jordan Peterson Go with the money is. Trump is misunderstood. The guy can run a business.

Starting point is 00:37:28 The country is like a business. The country is like a business. You know how your bosses always love you and want what's best for you and never fuck you over? Of course. This guy can run a business. Business was good. During his time period, you know. Business was good during his time period, you know

Starting point is 00:37:46 and Fuck that's so fucking funny to be yeah, just throwing a couple gigs on Christmas. That's how I mean This is the first time I'm not working Basically until Christmas Day like I realized I forgot last year I was gonna get my mother a cell phone and I just realized an entire year went by and I did not get it for Christmas because I was just worried I was promoting my special was last year right? Damn last that's crazy. It was only a year ago. I'm gonna watch it at some point Because I use the same guys you use yes Those guys are awesome Willie and

Starting point is 00:38:21 Okay, yeah. Yep. Yep. Willie you never meet a Willie You never really like a really great Willie Willie and Derek William Derek. guy. Yep, yep, yep. Willie, you never meet a Willie. You never meet a white Willie. Willie and Derek. Willie and Derek, yes. Yeah, white Willie, white, honestly Derek could go 50-50 too. I suppose so. My best friend is Derek, so that just feels very,

Starting point is 00:38:36 he's obviously white. To you. Yeah. Not one of these guys. This is my best friend. What is this, a TV movie what are we a community college interesting interesting but yeah shout out to William Derrick originator those guys are awesome and I'm gonna mine's gonna

Starting point is 00:38:59 come out in the spring oh yeah awesome hell yeah dude. Wait what were we talking about though? The movie? Oh holidays? Oh you're not working? Oh the mother of cell phone? This is what I want to ask. How do you buy someone a cell phone? Because don't you have to plug it in and get all the things? Or can I bring the if I want to get Sarah a phone can I buy a phone give it to her in the box and then then she just goes to the Apple store. Yeah you can do that. Yeah I'm probably gonna buy it through my mother's uh like you know comp whatever comp she uses like the old person uh cell phone company it's like Cellular National or some bullshit. Oh wow. And all the phone like it's so funny I went on the website and it's like all the phones are like flip phones

Starting point is 00:39:38 with gigantic buttons and then like they're selling an iPhone from two thousand like seventeen they're selling the iPhone SE and then they're selling the iPhone from 2017. They're selling the iPhone SE and then they're selling the newest one. But it's like they don't have, it's just so funny the range of, it's purely, it's not quite the jitterbug. Another jitterbug. The jitterbug is like a classic cell phone that they sold on, they would sell it on like infomercials

Starting point is 00:40:04 and it was like, the buttons were insane, they were like this big. But it's close to that. So I'll go, I'll get that through the website. But yeah, I'm just been a bad son. So I'm gonna try and get a couple more gifts going this year, but you know. It's also like, should you really buy gifts

Starting point is 00:40:21 for anyone who's not a child? Isn't it a little fuck it? well some of us have wives were adults Yeah, good boy yeah, but other than wives and children yeah, I know by another grown man a fucking present Well, I think gifts should be like I saw this and I thought of you right like if I was out shop But whatever and I saw a and I thought of you. Like if I was out shopping or whatever and I saw, hey, a Greek fucking, blah, bullshit. I'd be like, hey, look at this. I went, hey, I thought of you. That's how gifts should go

Starting point is 00:40:52 and they should count towards Christmas. Oh, I like that. Yeah, you know what? Back in June. That's a great idea. You should have a tally mark and it's like, I found a great gift that you're actually gonna get used for. Mark me off. I've done. I've done this before

Starting point is 00:41:07 I've had this thought before where it comes around to birthday, and you don't have a good gift idea But you're like remember back in February. I got you whatever yeah, I got you that book Yeah, you know I mean I got you that book about fucking I don't know Bruce Springsteen or whatever you like I do like Or even a bag nobody reads anymore people give whatever you like. I do like that. Yeah. That's funny, books by the way are even a bag, nobody reads anymore. People give me books and I'm like, that's hilarious. That's funny though, you seem like a guy who would read, like in my head I feel like you're a book guy.

Starting point is 00:41:33 I still do read, but I literally just came around, I'm so slow on everything, to Audible, like reading, listening to books. And I'm like, this is like a game changer. Yeah. And it was all ego because I like having it on the shelf so people can see how And I still like to read but you know the phone and the fucking I'm a I'm a e-reader guy I read on my Kindle a lot, but I'm with you too. I've started thinking like if I really love a book

Starting point is 00:41:59 I'm gonna buy it Solely to display it. Yes, Because books are basically like decoration of proof that hey, I'm not that fucking stupid. Exactly. I know I look stupid, I know right now it's only King of the Hill DVDs on my bookshelf, but I also read a couple books. You're a smart guy.

Starting point is 00:42:16 People think I'm very stupid. No, you're a smart guy too. Well yeah, I think if I mention anything political, they think, because people don't disagree anymore, they just say you're retarded Just you're retarded Yeah, and they just point out what news you watch mm-hmm, and then they just move on they don't engage with any kind of idea Yeah, they're just like you're a retard. Yeah

Starting point is 00:42:43 Well, you got me. You got me there, anonymous commenter. I suppose I am. But I also don't want to engage with, I don't want to have a conversation with random people from the internet either. Call me a fat lib if you must. I don't give a fuck.

Starting point is 00:42:59 But every once in a while I will, because I just want to take them to a place where I'm like, okay, so you're stupid. Yeah, it's bad. Yeah, it's bad. A guy told me I was a more oh man, I always want to read the dialogue. It's like hilarious. He's like your political takes are retarded.

Starting point is 00:43:17 You're a fucking idiot. And he's like, you don't know how the world works. And then I kept being like, well, specifically, what do you mean? Yes, give me one example. He was like, well, nobody wants to hear about politics, and I was like okay But what did I say that was incorrect and finally he was just like you're incorrect because nobody wants to hear it And I was like well, so that's yeah I know I mean a lot of times though. No don't leave politics out of it

Starting point is 00:43:39 Just means like I think something that is bad and people judge me for but I don't want to I want to just laugh Right. I don't want to be reminded that like my wife my ex-wife won't talk to me anymore You know like that's what it boils down right and how dare you have an opinion and just make me laugh I love when my favorite type is when people like just make me fucking like I don't have to do shit I'll do it. I'll make the worst show of all time I don't give a fuck you can suck my dick. I'll be I'll make a bad podcast just to piss you off Well, also don't talk about politics means don't talk about politics. I don't agree Like I could be like a fat lesbian

Starting point is 00:44:24 Trump seems a little weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is interesting. It's only ever that. Yeah, I'm like, you know, who have made a Hunter Biden laptop, go crazy. And by the way, fuck Joe Biden for pardoning the judge that was

Starting point is 00:44:40 selling kids to for-profit prisons. Hilarious. It just truly is a piece of shit. Yeah gotta read the small print on that. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you'd probably like it because of the ethnicity most of those children were. Now, it's time for our Christmas cookie trial.

Starting point is 00:44:54 I'm nervous. Are any of these chocolate chips? Oh, that's true. You have the most fucking... You have the most honky palette of all time. What is this? Now, we here, we have my mother's specialty cookies nervous you've had them every year for like five years well you bring them to my house the only guy that doesn't like them that's so funny one in the middle that's powdery you'll like that that one's pure butter sugar okay you know some jizz in

Starting point is 00:45:19 there's nothing unfortunately there's no jizz okay We've got a baklava. We've got a cura bi and we have a melon macarono. No, I hate the enunciation Have one little powdery powder sugar and and and that's a powder sugar butter cookie. All right, I'm nervous No, you'll have a great time there. It's a good batch this year I'm not gonna bite into this and there's some kind of maple syrup or something. No, no, this one's the syrupy one. You don't like maple syrup. I like maple syrup, but I don't want it in a cookie. I want it on a waffle.

Starting point is 00:45:52 It's a little hard, no? Yeah, yeah, that one's hard. Mm. Oh, man. Oh! It's like really hot. Merry Christmas. Hmm?

Starting point is 00:46:06 Yeah. That looks soft. Take the brown one. This is a honey honey I don't like honey. Honey, cinnamon, spiced. That's good shit.

Starting point is 00:46:22 I'll try that. Very dry. That's what the. I'll try that. Okay Very dry coffee for It's tea. Oh, right The brown one will suck your cock right Joe. Yeah, you should not see things on top. Those are walnuts I forgot that Joe has a fucking chicken tenders and mac and cheese palette I forgot that Joe has a fucking chicken tenders and mac and cheese palette What you shame me you're like, oh I'm a man of the people poor people and I like the poor people

Starting point is 00:46:55 But I'm just the wrong color poor person Empathetic towards me you love homeless people and criminals. I grew up with a fucking bunch of retarded, white trash mac and cheese and hot dogs. I'm like this, oh, unpalatable retard. Just dip your toes into some other cultures, man. Why can't I be, I've been to more countries than you have, you son of an onion. I've eaten whale, I've eaten squid,

Starting point is 00:47:22 I've eaten the other thing, reindeer. Okay, that all came from one country. That all came from Norway. Yes. I've been to Israel, you're probably mad at me. I've also been to Kuwait, and Iraq, and Turkey. That's part of the military complex. Wow, some cool places you've listed.

Starting point is 00:47:43 To entertain the imperialists. You probably had McDonald's on those bases. No, Nate Bargatze, as much as you make fun of me, Nate Bargatze, who's improved his diet, he was like adamant when we were in Istanbul that he's like, don't you want to taste what McDonald's, turkey McDonald's? And it's like me and Louis Katz. And when I'm like on the side of like, what are you, out of your mind? Of culture, yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:04 Yeah, you're the cultured one. He's like, like, but it's a different McDonald. It's like unique So here's we're here for a week. We're here for like yeah. Oh, that's hilarious That's where that's where horseshoe theory is cuz I'm with Nate on that one What does Joe think of my mother better see that's my mother's specialty cookie she's so good at those Why don't you tell me that? You got me eating a fucking dry. Because we start there. This is fantastic.

Starting point is 00:48:29 Thank you. This is very good. Take a box home for your wife and child as well. I would love for more to have a little piece of those. I might need a liquid death. This is rough. Not rough, but you know, I need a beverage. It's rich.

Starting point is 00:48:43 Oh, this way you get a liquid death for our guests. You don't mind just a regular the white one You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, we have we have them on the counter. We're not nice. Yeah, nice warm one would be great We have Gatorade zeros in the fridge no, I do think it's unfair that I'm shamed for my my palate I grew up in a Bump or that's where you started. I started the exact same way We I didn't have the only food I ate the only like ethnic food I had other than Greek food, which doesn't really count because that's what I am. I didn't have tacos till I was like 16 I didn't like all we ate was Chinese food and pizza like carryout Chinese and pizza

Starting point is 00:49:29 That was the exotic food for us. Everything else was Greek food And so it took me I kind of you know have been figuring all the shit. I was scared of sushi I don't know what ramen was except for the 99 cent Yes, top ramen stuff and I still think children shouldn't get to have good ramen by the way is that it oh that's the iced tea I'll just blue actually thank you No, but we all have we all actually came from the same palates I think we all have trash palette eldest still exhibits trash palette I Do I mean syndrome I'm varied, but you know nothing like some chicken tenders some

Starting point is 00:50:23 mac and cheese just plain food no bones like I want food I can swallow you must have been a KFC famous bowl fan well No, we never did cast we were all Burger King and Papa Gino's it was all pizza French fries and spaghetti spaghetti mac and cheese very Yeah, very it was that the big meal like if it's like cuz we probably did pizza that was our big like Friday we get pizza or Friday pizza. Yeah sure and Yeah, maybe occasionally Tacos, but no, we didn't my family talks about chicken tenders Sarah always laughs like her favorite thing They all talk about chicken chicken tenders Sarah always likes like her favorite thing they all talk about chicken chicken tenders like it's you know filet have you had she does the

Starting point is 00:51:10 bills I was like have you had the chicken tenders at TKO Mallies oh to die for they're not as good as the one at Oh Donnie Oh Donnie here's chicken tenders forget about it fucking crazy you think you died went to heaven But the real one is down at fucking Casey McElhaney's chicken tenders Fucking out of this war so it runs in the family. What was the like? Did you have like a where'd you go? Where would you go for like a fancy dinner like something to celebrate? Spaghetti Eddie's okay Which I don't think is there anymore that was like the big spaghetti eddies

Starting point is 00:51:48 spaghetti eddies. Guess what you've been good yeah spaghetti eddies I'm like fuck fuck fuck fuck you know it's fancy when the restaurant rhymes spaghetti eddies was the fucking shit and maybe I mean I don't even know that I think that's pretty much it Yeah I mean we were a fucking Applebee's and then a Chili's family and then we would meet we would go to there was always Greek restaurants

Starting point is 00:52:13 My mom was a waitress in one so it didn't feel that but they felt a little because they weren't change They were the only non chain restaurants we went to but we knew you know I mean, it was like we knew the people who owned them It didn't feel as special but they were Nicer than you know, but we were like chilies Bertucci's Robert What about ground round was that national didn't have that ground round Maybe that was a local thing that that way you could get ice cream in a baseball helmet. That was like Let's take fucking ballpark food and serve it outside the ballpark. That was big. And I was talking about this the other day, my family still busts my balls.

Starting point is 00:52:54 My grandparents' church friends took me to the Nutcracker once. And I was like seven or eight. And I asked if there was a hot dog guy. I was like, is there a hot dog guy? And they still bring it up to like the hot dog guy. He thought it's a hot dog guy. I was like, is there a hot dog guy? And they still bring it up to like, the hot dog guy. He thought it's a hot dog. And I felt like Shane. I was like, oh my God, I guess I'm a fucking idiot. And then you look back and you're like, I'd only ever been to Fenway Park.

Starting point is 00:53:14 I was seven years old. Like the only time I'd ever been in a crowd. Right, there's hot dogs. There's a guy walking around yelling hot dog. Now as an adult, you look back and you think the idea of the nutcracker. And the guy going, get your hot dogs. Who needs a dog? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it is funny. Well, by the way, I'm sure it wasn't at the fucking symphony house. As an adult you look back you think the idea of the nutcracker the guy going get

Starting point is 00:53:29 Yeah, yeah, I mean it is well by the way, I'm sure it wasn't at the fucking symphony house I'm sure it was in some fucking at the wood, you know at the like Community college and wherever the fuck. No, it was the oh was the actual Okay, these church folk they wanted me to be culture. They're still around by the way, they're in like their late 80s Oh, wow, you'd be fascinated by our friend Ruby she like lived in Mississippi her husband was like a reverend and then she like tore down the KKK. That's awesome. They have these crazy stories. That's so cool. Social worker. Bring her next time. She's one of you with the bullshit. Bring her next time. Yeah maybe I'll bring her in. You'd like her. I would like her. She thinks you know minorities have it harder All this crap you're always talking about She thought the KKK was bad Yeah, yeah, you just what you're just trying to come to a conclusion

Starting point is 00:54:14 You just open mind One of these guys that just ask questions to Milo and Alex Jones and Donald Trump I'm never really just asking questions to anyone else. They're just trolls. They're just trolls. It's not a big deal. Jake Tapper and Kamala Harris and Jim Acosta, they're never just asking questions or trolling. They're evil. But I'm apolitical. Yeah. I am apolitical. Yeah, being apolitical is the funniest part of it. I'm apolitical. I just like to go hang out with Tucker Carlson and tell everyone how nice he is Really get into politics I'm just having sins with Tucker

Starting point is 00:54:57 Fuck what that is that is very funny the to hit up the nutcracker and ask for a hot dog But I'm with you by the way. I'm trying to think of They probably our school used to take us to shit like that Did we see the nutcracker? I feel like I did as a youth Maybe my parents took me but I would have been looking for snacks by the way for sure It's kind of crazy. Yeah snacks. They should have snacks and I thought like we're in Boston Yeah, I got in the car and drove to Boston like I do two times a summer right to go we parked and we went to a thing So it makes sense to me that there'd be a guy. It's funny that they're still busting your balls

Starting point is 00:55:32 Yeah, they're like this fucking guy. I try to do this is a bit too. I went to Space Mountain in 1991 I was nine and then when I got to the top it was Sink that I don't have your went to Disney Sing the I don't know if you ever went to Disney Next to each other it was like single file and I wanted to sit with my mother because she was like squishy and fat And so I chickened out and now they're still like Space Mountain And I'm like you guys have never left Eastern, Massachusetts South America many times in the Middle East and I like pursuit a career I'm like I've done

Starting point is 00:56:14 Madison Square Garden they're like Space Mountain pussy helicopter in Baghdad they let me fucking throw a bomb on an orphanage. I got to do it. I high fived guys that have killed children. What have you done? We actually were at Saddam Hussein's house. There was a moment where I was in Iraq with Nate and we had like what bought Cubans and there's a driving range at Saddam Hussein's palace.

Starting point is 00:56:43 Yeah. Hit a drive golf balls into like his mecca pool or whatever. He was like, this feels a little weird. Like I'm like, I don't like Saddam Hussein. I hate the guy. I'm glad he's dead, but it feels weird to just be like, take his house and make it a driving frame. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:01 This couldn't be a hospital for the people of Iraq. It's a place for soldiers to blow off steam. A human or with Cubans in it. You're like, oh, this feels a little weird. Oh, you know what? I forgot, I brought, before we get into that, I brought a delicacy for you. Please.

Starting point is 00:57:20 That's kind of my culture. I can't wait. I'll be right back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you're gonna like it. I can't wait. Hold on, can you kill time without me? Yeah, absolutely. You'll be all. And I can't wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you're going to like it. I can't wait. You kill time. Yeah, absolutely.

Starting point is 00:57:27 You'll be all right. We'll be OK. That bit at Rogan show and he was like, yeah, man. And I was like, no, I know. I was Rogan and Louie. And I was like, are you guys all right if I'm not here? And then I was like, yeah. I'm like, no, I know.

Starting point is 00:57:46 Hilarious. I can't wait to see. Hopefully it's a roast beef sandwich from Boston. You ever had those Elders? No. Next time we're in Boston, we gotta go. They're legitimately fucking awesome. I don't know you guys. Oh, here we go. Drum roll. It's kind of something... I'm excited. Family, we like it. Okay of something. I'm excited family. We like it

Starting point is 00:58:11 Glazed donut It's just you know nothing fancy just doesn't even look glazed just a beige Donut where all the glaze oh? Thanks, man. Let me get a little piece. Let me Donut with all the glazes on it. Wow, thanks man. Let me get a little piece. Yeah, a little piece. I gotta wash down this whole shit. In the spirit of Christmas, I'll have some.

Starting point is 00:58:30 Yeah, just... Wow. It's pretty good, right? Yeah, it's called Starbucks. And it's a little start-up from Seattle. Lizzy, you wanna try some of this, man? I'm alright. More for the boys. Hey, thanks man I'm all right. Oh, wow. More for the boys. Yeah. Hey, thanks, man.

Starting point is 00:58:47 You got it. It's Christmas. Yeah, I didn't want you to, I want you to experience a little of my life. You are, you do go to Starbucks more than anyone I know. I go a lot. I love it. I love Starbucks.

Starting point is 00:58:59 You do. Yeah, it's the best. Yeah. You always know what you're getting when you get a cup there. Oh my God. And then Christmas time with the red and the green. I mean, it's beautiful Well Having this old list family delicacy. I'm ready to bring some wisdom to the callers

Starting point is 00:59:18 Absolutely on this beautiful Christmas Monday eldest. What do we got buddy? Do with Christmas Monday. Elders, what do we got, buddy? How are you doing? New listener. And I just had a quick question. I want to see. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's just bothering me more.

Starting point is 00:59:35 But I live with a couple of guys and one of the guys' girlfriends has been doing laundry in our apartment for the past good year and a half since we moved in. My original thought with that, you know her laundry was either broken or maybe it's always taken but it literally every Wednesday and Monday sometimes once a week at least, She'll come over, do our laundry,

Starting point is 01:00:06 I do her laundry, in our house and you know use our stuff, use our utilities, whatever. But the biggest thing is that there's been times where I'm trying to do my own laundry and his girlfriend's underwear is literally in my washer and I can't do anything I can't move them to the dryer. What? So am I out of my out-of-pocket is saying that's not okay especially you know we all pay rent for that place and she doesn't but she used it and then there you go never says thank you. Oh come on. Never wants to hurt me. Relax.

Starting point is 01:00:40 So am I crazy or is that what you're saying? Never says thank you for using your one quarter of the washing machine. I mean look it's it's obviously okay to be annoyed if someone is constantly using these are the perils of having roommates by by the way, right? Like, it's annoying if you want to use your washing machine and it's taken up. But a guy's girlfriend using the washer, that's like so incredibly to be expected. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:01:19 What are you going to be like, hey, your whore only gets to use it when I'm not using it? I mean, I would be annoyed. But it like your utilities like come on. It's you're like and you sound a little too You're a little too bothered by this. Is there others if she just annoying is her presence annoying? Is there more stuff right because it feels like this can't just be about the laundry, especially when he's talking about your Utilities and thank you. It's like dude. What the fuck What do you think like you think you're above this woman because your place has a Live-in washer and dryer. It's like she's dating someone. It's not like this guy lets his friends

Starting point is 01:01:58 Come in and do laundry all fucking day. It's like he's charging He's paying people, you know, people are paying to do it. Girlfriends just get access to your apartment. That's not, they're part of the agreement, dude. Yeah, I don't know, this sounds very liberal of you. I mean, just, they're homeless. Let them take a shit on the subway.

Starting point is 01:02:20 Let them take a dump. It's not your subway, it's shared. I mean, what's this guy? What's this guy, I don't know. Oh, you're with them. Yeah, not your subway, it's shared. I mean, with this guy. What's the deal with him? Well, I think it's a little much. And what do you think he should do? Well, first of all, he's a better guy than I. He can't touch your panties. I'd be stealing one a week. We call those the spoils of

Starting point is 01:02:38 war. That's a panty tag. Now, unfortunately, they have been washed. That part sucks. That part sucks. That part sucks. Here's what you do, ready? You poke holes in your Tide Pods so that there's no detergent. Maybe you fill the detergent up with blue Gatorade, the blue part.

Starting point is 01:02:58 That's not bad. And that way they don't smell like soap, you kind of still get some pussy smell. That's so smart. It's really good. That is really good. But yeah, I don't know. How annoyed he is is so, it's too much.

Starting point is 01:03:18 He is asking, am I crazy? So he's, you know, he's never said anything. Sure. I think he's a nice boy I think roommate stuff can just fester so easily and a small thing can really like blow up He does I agree with you sounds like very impassioned in his voice right like bro this kid is doing her laundry This can't be the only issue is my is what I'm reading off of this But that being said like if it's with such regularity

Starting point is 01:03:46 Like if she really is doing it every Monday and Wednesday. It's like what it would it's like Yeah, it feels like if it's so regular it almost feels like they're doing it on purpose because they know you fucking hate it I don't think it's that I think it's taking it for like it would annoy me a little bit to be like them taking it for granted and then on a day where I'm running late and I will just want to do my laundry She's got you know a big-ass load that would annoy me and all I would say is that's a conversation to have with your roommate I would talk to the roommate, but also I think is it crazy to say hey Would you mind throwing a few of my things in there? No, I heard do a little bit of his laundry. Yeah, just doing laundry anyways

Starting point is 01:04:27 That would be kind of a compromise to me is like hey I mean throw half my shit in there that is fun You you're like I see you're constantly using my laundry, and I raise you fold a couple of my shirts, bitch Oh, hey, I was just about to throw some stuff in but if you're using it Okay, just throw a couple of my underwears covered in jizz in there with no big deal, right? But yeah, I mean The like you need to the things you need to work on is feeling like you need to be thanked Because the guy's girlfriend is it's not his

Starting point is 01:05:05 Homeless friend trying to get his feet. You know what I mean? Like who's like? Thank you so much for giving me some shelter like it's like and your utilities are not a big deal Whatever the fucking water is used to do you know laundry what I would say is if it's You can have if it gets too much the point where you feel like you can't do laundry Truly, that's a conversation have with your roommate, but even still it's like is it that Like if this was your roommate and not his girlfriend would you get annoyed? Because if the answer is no if they're not on the aggregate doing more than What a roommate the amount of laundry a roommate should do,

Starting point is 01:05:46 then you kind of have to let this go. Because whether it's just girlfriend or not, I feel like girlfriend is a protected class under a roommate. They pretty much get to, you know, they get to use utilities, especially if it's like once a week. Like, I know once a week is annoying, the regularity is annoying, but is once a week that often? Is it that much of your life? You know what I'm saying. I think so I could see getting annoyed at that if it's like week who gives a fuck

Starting point is 01:06:12 I don't know well how much more does people do laundry what you can be doing five days a week No, that's what I'm saying is like but also Yeah, I don't know. I mean it's like I get maybe you could have a conversation to be like hey Can she do her laundry at a time that you would never do long like could you have a conversation the roommate to be like? Hey, man, this is a little annoying. I kind of want to use the these times are really bad for me This is when I do laundry can she do it? X-day, you know what I mean? Like if this is gonna be a regular thing then let's treat it like a roommate dispute

Starting point is 01:06:45 and be like this is her time to do laundry or whatever the fuck, you know what I mean? If it's that crazy, but. May I add this also, the thing about her not saying thank you, I don't think he needs a thank you for everything. I don't think he's an asshole. I think that builds up after a while

Starting point is 01:06:59 because you're like at least. Right. It would be nice if at least she went, oh my God, thank you so much. This is so nice, you're saving me. Because it is crazy to use someone's laundry every day and never be like, hey, thank you, I know, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:11 So I think that probably just, it built and built and built and then he added that. The thank you would be nice for sure. Thank you would be nice. On her part. You're coming around. If I was counseling her, I would say, hey, this could be kind of annoying, just be gracious about it Maybe get the guy a Starbucks donut every once in a while

Starting point is 01:07:28 You know I mean like and I get it on her part like this could be She could be more thankful that and that would make this a non-issue whatsoever exactly But at the same time if I was like I guess to put myself in her shoes if I was like using my girlfriend's Laundry all the time I would probably be a little more She probably just he probably just doesn't like this girl that much and she's doing something a little annoying and it just fucking festers over time and I would tell you this just goes personally, I think this just falls under the annoyance of having roommate category right like

Starting point is 01:08:12 Carter this just falls under the annoyance of having roommate category right like work harder yeah yeah yeah absolutely this just is it's it doesn't sound that crazy it's definitely annoying you're right to be annoyed but it seems to me like it falls within the like sucks to have roommates bro sometimes you're fucking sometimes like when you have to laundry your roommates are gonna be in the fucking laundry machine And I think it just annoys you cuz you just you might just not like how often his girlfriends over that's it That's another roommate thing. It's like if she's over the amount that it's like this is an extra roommate You know you could have the conversation of like she needs to be fucking paying rent But if it's the if it's a once-a week thing, you're not there and it's just annoying. Also, steal the panties.

Starting point is 01:08:50 Steal her panties. Take a pair of underwear. Take a pair of underwear and hang them in your... Sell them. Yeah, sell them. Sell them. You know what I mean? Create an AI generated, you know, wage in with big tits.

Starting point is 01:09:02 Pretend you're her. Make an Instagram and then say they're her panties and sell them and make a quick buck hundred percent. I think we solved it What else we got eldest Do you hear that Joe? Do you hear that music? What the hell? Where are we going? Is it fucking time for the motherfucking Twisted D? Twisted Ass Fucking Question of the Week or whatever it is? We're still working on the name? So we have a particular, and I know you're a sober man but not anymore I bet every time you lay eyes on a twisted tea you really rethink those

Starting point is 01:09:50 years of sobriety. Well that was my drink of choice of course. You were a twisted guy. I drank nothing like cracking a twisted tea and watching some WWF wrestling. I would vote Republican watch wrestling and, and drink Twisted Tea. Let's keep it apolitical for the sponsors, Joe. This is where we are apolitical, when it comes time to promote the product of our pals over at Twisted Tea. So, Eldis, what is the Twisted Ass fucking question of the week, man? Hey, Stavi. Long time listener, first time caller. So Eldis, what is the twisted-ass fucking question of the week, man?

Starting point is 01:10:28 Hey, Stavi. Long time listener, first time caller. I'm in a bit of a situation. So the holidays are coming up obviously and Thanksgiving just passed so Blackout Wednesday had occurred and I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend of like three years removed like really messy break up That's keeping it twisted My boys keeping it twisted as fuck hooking up with an ex on Thanksgiving Wednesday That is some twisted behavior Three years far is crazy

Starting point is 01:11:00 You're just out of the woods Three years after a messy break up it's like I'm finally totally free and then you fucking re-upped salute man that's a twisted maneuver right there here's remove like really messy breakup everything like poured sugar in my gas oh my god I have a life ruining act this bitch did domestic terrorism to you and you fucked her? Life-ruining, yes. The pussy must have been out of this world. And I hooked up with her again and now I'm kind of fucking addicted.

Starting point is 01:11:33 Idiot. Dumb. Stupid. I don't know if I should see it through, you know, bring it back to Chrisberg. See it through? Am I losing my mind? But... Ah, man, she's just so fucking hot. And it's a little bit of a dry spell as well, so I just don't know what to do. I mean, that's really what it is I love your advice. Thank you very much. Goodbye. Okay pal. You kept it way too twisted That's the thing about keeping it twisted you twist it a little bit you've twisted

Starting point is 01:12:01 You've twisted it all around and around and around you gotta untwist brother You're too twisted right now. This is fucking nuts, dude Hey, uh she pours sugar in his gas tank she destroyed his car. It sounds like maybe she's improved I was been three years Seeking help getting therapy. I suppose it doesn't sound like it though I mean it just sounds like by way, this shows you how like, hilarious, how truly like powerless young men are. Where it's like, he said all this stuff and then at the end he's like, and I'm in a bit

Starting point is 01:12:35 of a dry spell. Which is the true reason all of this happened. Of course. It's like, you just get a guy not having sex for eight months and he's like maybe the girl that ruined my life but sucked dick incredibly maybe it's time to re up with her a life ruining her life get her over here bring her in yeah dude I mean you're so so stupid you've made a huge error because you have no self-discipline and can't just try and break through a dry spell honestly.

Starting point is 01:13:10 It's like, I think we've used this metaphor before where it's like, you're thirsty and you go back to a well that someone took a fat shit in. And you're like, at least there's some water in here. You know, where what you should have been doing is getting a fresh twisted tea. There it is. Instead of poisoned water from the well of the Insane X.

Starting point is 01:13:31 You should have cracked open a delicious twisted tea, brewed with real ice tea by the way, and 5% alcohol by volume. One of the finest game day drinks you could possibly have. That's what you should have reached for. Not for the proverbial poisoned well of your Ins ex. You've made a huge mistake, you need to back out. It's Christmas Monday right now, do not fuck this girl again. Get out. You've made a mistake, this will be hard. You are addicted, you will go through, you

Starting point is 01:14:00 know, head withdrawals from this woman. It's just, unless we're missing something, which I don't think we are. No, it doesn't seem like it. I mean, pouring sugar in the gas is a crazy move. You're like, you broke up with me, that's crazy. Here's sugar, like I'm gonna ruin your car. You're out, you know, anywhere from five to $40,000 because of this woman.

Starting point is 01:14:21 It's like, come on, man. And you know it in your voice. You can hear it, you're saying it. You're not like, oh man, I'm so happy to be back with this girl. She's gone to a lot of, he didn't say any of this woman, it's like, come on man. And you know it in your voice, you can hear it, you're saying it. You're not like, oh man, I'm so happy to be back with this girl. Like, you fucked up. She's gone to a lot of... He didn't say any of the stuff you might have speculated where it's like... Yeah, I'm not saying it's not possible for...

Starting point is 01:14:34 If this person was going through a psychotic break and they've gotten help and whatever... And even then, I would be like, good for her, let her fix her life with the next guy. It ain't gonna be me I think he can totally keep it very twisted here and just fuck her again over the Christmas holiday here's why you're keeping it too twisted Elders here's why he the damage is already done they already fucking fucked on Thanksgiving oh you smoked crack one time what's three more times over the holidays? You know the holidays You know the holidays when people don't have any mental health issues Suicides don't go up or anything like that. This is the time to mess around. I had to stick with the theme of the show

Starting point is 01:15:16 Well, I think year 11 of the Iraq war. I think this one We cracked through a few hundred thousand more troops. Let's get a couple more troops in there. This is where year we crack through. Send a few hundred thousand more troops. Let's get a couple more troops in there. This is where the tide turns. I think you can fuck her once or twice more times before New Year's and... Because the holidays are kind of like that in-between thing. You can still make a clean cut and just get it in while you're home for the holidays and just shake it off after that. This isn't crack. This is just some warm and fuzzy. You're right.

Starting point is 01:15:49 It's heroin. It's pills. It's not crack. I know what you're saying and I'm not. I do think there is a like it's the whole thing of are you really going to start a diet on December 20th? Probably not. a diet on December 20th probably not having said that get once you give yourself permission to just lean in it can get dangerous right like that all

Starting point is 01:16:11 I'm saying is the quicker he cuts this off the better and if he takes a little couple more suckles of that forbidden teat he might get too addicted to cut it off dude that's all I'm saying the quicker if this is a one-time thing It's a lot easier to stop than if it's a three-time thing in my experience with this literal issue Like I said every episode of mom with it comes to advice. Have you ever heard of jerking off? I don't get it. One of these people just beat off. It's like, yeah, a dry spell. I have a kid. We go a week without fucking and I beat off. It's like just beat off.

Starting point is 01:16:54 Jerk off. Put some porn. It's never been easier. Put on porn. That's true. Get some lube. Yeah. Put something in your asshole. Search toxic ex. They'll have a bitch that looks exactly like yours like you'll be fine, dude Yeah, you can probably put sugar in the gas tank porn. Yeah woman who ruined my life

Starting point is 01:17:12 So just go beat off for Christmas Yeah, go beat off for Christmas and that's the twisted ass motherfucking question of the fucking week bitch Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah You got to remember to keep it twisted Wow, that was pretty cool, right? Really cool. Uh-huh. All right, I'll this well we kept it twisted. What else can we do for our pals? So I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now and I met him through Tinder I've been keeping a humongous secret from him that he most definitely would not have matched and met up with me if he knew.

Starting point is 01:18:07 Interesting. I'm missing a tooth. I have a retainer that has a tooth in it. And I come alone or like around family or like the closest of people I will take the retainer out and eat without it so my mouth is nasty. And so this entire year I have been nasty and every time I eat I have to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and brush out the retainer and it's honestly just a huge inconvenience at this point.

Starting point is 01:18:48 I've kept it close to my heart because it's hella embarrassing and I just I feel like enough time has passed that even if he wants to he can't leave me if I tell him about the missing tooth. The missing tooth is like in the front of my face, nothing cool happened, there was just like a dental mishap when I was like a teenager and the implant didn't work, they had to take the implant out like two years before I met my boyfriend. I just tried to get the implant back in Another mishap happened. They had to take it back out and It's another three to six months till I can find out if I can get the tooth back in

Starting point is 01:19:34 I feel like the saving grace is the fact there's a chance. I will get my tooth back Feel like I'm hot enough that I can get away with it but regardless I I just don't even want I don't even think I can take it out of front of him and like it's Yeah, I'd be really great have your advice of what I should do if I should just keep on having This annoying nasty habit of mine with eating with a fucking retainer in if I should just suck it up and tell my boyfriend that I've been hiding this ridiculous secret from him be great if I could get your help thanks so much

Starting point is 01:20:19 this made me sad I know lady I know she's been with him for how long you say all this a year Yeah You gotta let this go to its This is not a big. This is truly not a big deal. You're already past the point and you're hot And you're not for a year and guys I would fuck a woman if she was hot and willing to fuck me She could have noted all her teeth could come out. Oh, okay. you can pull a dick out and I'd be like oh wow crazy yeah fuck it and have her fuck me in the ass while holding my ankles. Like you totally fuck I get it hey I got crooked teeth and Invisalign I took my Invisalign out for this

Starting point is 01:20:59 whatever so I get the, but it's fine. This is nothing. And I know it, and I mean, I literally am the right person to call because I remember feeling this. And even as a person who has always looked kind of ridiculous, my job is being funny. Like even as somebody who, like, and I had, I was toothless publicly for like two years

Starting point is 01:21:25 But that was an accident because I lost the retainer that she has right like I didn't mean to be to this I had For about four months. I was wearing flipper and there was one day where I was running late for a show and I took the tooth out to fucking take a nap and I thought I put it I thought I put I literally to this day have no idea where you know where it is and by the way that's like I lost it's funny they give you this little ass tooth to put over your thing and it's like I lost my the tooth in my head right I don't think I'm gonna lose the little tooth that comes out like what are you talking about so I lost it and then I was running late to a show and

Starting point is 01:22:08 I almost thought about canceling and I was like, what who cares? It'll be kind of funny and I did the thing and it was just like so free and I always hated the way it felt And I and it was just it was people found it very funny, right? They were like what the fuck you have a tooth and then I was just like Maybe I'll just and I just kept doing it and it was incredibly freeing for me And I'm not saying you're the kind of person you're not even saying should I get rid of the tooth and go about my normal day-to-day life you're saying in Intimate moments where I'm sharing a fucking meal with my boyfriend of one year. Can I take my teeth out? The answer is yes. I remember even back then I would take my tooth out

Starting point is 01:22:42 It was funny. It was funny to see my friends. react. I don't know if we ever had lunch right together I definitely did for the soda and he was like, oh Sam it was funny seeing the first time people see it is funny, right? Yeah, come clean and be like hey, I had some dental surgery I didn't want to tell you he'll probably be like why didn't you tell me sooner? Yes, and it'll make you guys both feel closer. It feels good to be in on a thing you feel into man are desiring deeply desiring connection yeah I agree and all the time I feel good when somebody confesses something to me because I feel like oh but blah it's a very toxic

Starting point is 01:23:19 masculinity bullshit world were brought up in yeah so to be invited into something that's that's that's kind and sweet. You have the best sex of your fucking life. And the longer you're together as someone that's been with a woman for 75 years, you can use this. Eventually he'll be like, take your tooth out, well fuck, I'll be like a crack head. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:23:38 I remember Sarah and I were in Paris and I was like, we should get cigarettes because that's what you do in France. And she had like the nastiest smoker breath and it was like hot, it made there's anything different. I was like, yeah nasty shit mouth. I'm into that You know any kind of different? Yeah. Yeah, it's good. So I agree good I agree and you're hot and this actually what you said is like it did this does make me sad You shouldn't feel this worry to just admit, because it's a medical mishap.

Starting point is 01:24:06 It's not you, it's not like anything. Whatever it is, it's like you should be able to, those closest to you. Basically, maybe some of the anxiety too is, she said like the only people that she brings this up are like family, people really close to her. And at about a year, you're kind of deciding deciding is the person I'm dating going to cross over into like Right the most important people in my life that can be kind of nerve-racking

Starting point is 01:24:32 Psychologically to to be like this is going from like a fun little you know a fun little relationship of a year under to like Getting really serious, and this is kind of a symbol of it getting kind of serious, so it's like if it's feeling good Go for it. It'll be freeing for you. It'll feel I think it'll bring you guys together And if he's the kind if he's the kind of weirdo that's like you You fucking bitch you lied to me. You don't want this guy in your life I could shit like this is gonna come up shit That's a little embarrassing like if you can't be ited to your partner for that comfort when some fucking trainee dentist fucks your Fucks your implant up who can you turn to you want someone who's gonna be there for you in your embarrassing?

Starting point is 01:25:15 Moments or who don't even see them as embarrassing so this is good either way. Yeah, he's not gonna care My wife was born without pussy lips way yeah he's not gonna care my wife was born without pussy lips big accident where she was getting they delivered her yeah by her pussy them all totally done I haven't been a jar fuck yes I'll just keep it going pussy Yes, I'll just keep it going pussy Actually call you but big fan of the podcast I was just calling cuz

Starting point is 01:25:54 my wife who I love so much we've been together and Me almost like 16 years. I'm 33. We just had a city boy. He's about seven months old and everything's going amazing. My wife is definitely feeling self-conscious about her body. I definitely try to affirm how she's feeling all the time. I get her flowers and be as supportive and loving as humanly possible. Obviously, she's working working out on her own but I was just curious if if you had some advice on ways to help her feel more beautiful and

Starting point is 01:26:35 Yeah, yeah, I don't know I guess I'm just trying everything is to help her feel better and that's nice That's sweet. I'll make her feel as beautiful as she is. Oh That's nice, that's sweet. Make her feel as beautiful as she is. So, yeah, I appreciate it so much. And thanks for the thought. Later. This guy's like too sweet. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:54 I say, here's what I would do. I would say, have her catch you beating off to like young women with huge tits and be like, this is what you look like to me! This, you look like this to me, babe! Ha ha ha ha ha yeah I don't even care that your shits wrinkly and flappy to my in my head you look like them I think she'd love that I think that's done

Starting point is 01:27:17 perfect worst of all the best part is he says my wife like Borat he's my wife like Borat. He's like my wife. A short solemn Borat impression. Yeah, my wife. This is interesting. I mean you're, how old's little Mark? He's like 14 months. Double the age of this dork. Yeah, I mean I think my wife feels, she's always a little self-composed. But there's no, from my end, there's always what you can do. You can't save people. Everybody thinks they're gross and disgusting and it doesn't matter.

Starting point is 01:27:52 Like, anyway, and a million people could say, you're hot, I'm into you, you're still gonna be like, nah, they're just trying to be nice. So keep doing what you're doing, but ultimately it is on her to feel better about herself. You can't make anyone change their perspective and you're attracted to it You're kind and you got bigger fish to fry anyways right now baby sure so just keep being you know Loving and supportive. It's funny though because he's like she's self-conscious her body and I try to affirm how she's feeling

Starting point is 01:28:21 how she's feeling. Which is funny. He's like I do my best to make sure she's right. Stay in the gym. Um. But yeah, she's also going through, I mean that first year she's going through so much. And there's so much stress and pressure of the baby. So just keep telling her she looks great,

Starting point is 01:28:36 keep fucking and saying you wanna fuck. I think that's important. And even if you're getting, like that's a great point about that first year. Like I can't even him it seems so tough Like post pregnancy and a lot of people deal with postpartum depression, and it's a weird time Hormonally and like your mental health can be weird so all you can really do is just be there for her and like Give her some cut her a tremendous amount of slack

Starting point is 01:29:00 Yeah, cuz she might you know who knows how it affect pregnant postpartum affects everybody differently and yeah Don't take it just be there for her. Don't take it personally if like you know you're trying to if if Like if this call is boiling down to my wife doesn't think she's hot enough So she's not giving me pussy if that's the subtext right then like you might just not fuck that much that year You know what I mean? Like it might just be a year where it's like Getting rejected might the fact that you're making advances makes her feel good She might still not want to have sex like it's just like you I think that's really what it is

Starting point is 01:29:35 keep being supportive and understand that like You just got to cut her some slack in the in the first year post-pregnancy And you know that's a general rule in a relationship as long as it feels equitable. Give each other some grace, cut each other some slack, you know there might be times where you're feeling weird, you know, she's feeling weird post baby, you're probably going to get fat and like you're 40, you know what I mean, you're probably going to go bald or something and go fat and get fat, whatever, then she'll be there for you for that. You know, just keep being a nice supportive guy

Starting point is 01:30:07 and cutting her some slack, because yeah, it must feel strange. And most babies, I know you and Marty got a good thing going, he really likes being around his dad, but a lot of babies are like attached to their mom. Right, right. Like that's the other thing, like is she dealing with that? Because I have friends of mine,

Starting point is 01:30:26 that's just been so overwhelming for them. Yeah. That they don't feel like they have a second to themselves that it's like, she might get an hour every night, like to just chill out and she might not want to like, hear about how hot she is and get you trying to get your dick sucked in that hour.

Starting point is 01:30:43 She might just want to like chill. So, you know, keep it... So, you know, let her get away with it two, three times and after that be like, a man has needs! Right. That's what I do still. Let her catch you scrolling on escort websites. She'll change your tune real fast.

Starting point is 01:31:09 Let's do a couple more here, Joseph. Please. Hey, Stavi. Hey, Elvis. I absolutely love your guys' podcast. Thank you. I have a little bit of a weird question today, but I think you can help me out. So my sister works with somebody

Starting point is 01:31:29 Not gonna name names, but he's about 30 years old and I know him. I went to high school with him and his now wife and My sister has been telling me that he's having an affair with one of the 18 year old girl 18 year old receptionist that worked there and that's a throwback and blah, blah, blah. And I know this guy's wife from high school as well, but we weren't really ever friends. I never really talked to her or anything, but you know, my sister's telling me about how like,

Starting point is 01:32:00 he takes her out on dates all the time. This girl that he's having an affair with takes her out on dates and brings her. This girl that he's having an affair with takes her out on dates and brings her flowers and it's like this whole contentious thing because they're not supposed to be dating, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so my question is- Well, he's not supposed to be dating the 18-year-old subordinate out of his marriage.

Starting point is 01:32:20 Hilarious. Saying blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so my question is, do I say something to the girl that I wasn't really friends with in high school? I see her post on Facebook sometimes about, I don't know, just the sad girl stuff, like oh, I wish someone would do more for me, kind of like hinting that her husband is kind of like a little broke ass bitch who doesn't take care of her and her two kids. So I'm just wondering, do I stir the pot and do I tell this girl or do I leave it alone? Part of me kind of wants to stir the pot a little bit, but also I just feel bad for her too. Like she wasn't ever a rude girl

Starting point is 01:32:59 we just weren't really friends in high school. She's really nice. I feel bad for her two kids and her kind of just being left to the wayside So let me know what you guys think if I should blow the spot up or what? Anyway, have a great day. Thanks for all the advice. You guys are amazing. Bye. What are you fucking Batman? What are you a fucking vigilante here? Yeah, this is not look, I Don't even I don't even trust that your intentions are pure I think they're not at all Stir the sir you've used the phrase stir the pot twice you got a one little action a little drama

Starting point is 01:33:36 If this was a close friend that's different You don't fucking know this person at all if it wasn't for Facebook This is where we have access to each other too much. If it wasn't for Facebook, you wouldn't even think... This wouldn't even be a person you think you remember exists. You know what I mean? This is not someone in your life. What this guy's doing is shitty for sure, but it's like... Do you really want to get in the middle of this?

Starting point is 01:33:58 Yeah, you're gonna ruin her life. You're not doing a certain... Like, she's... You're gonna ruin everyone's life. Yeah knows it's just like it's such a variable and who were you to fucking mix this shit exactly you know this is none of your business this sounds like some hometown intrigue absolutely like oh you tell the girl then you hit up your other girlfriends from high school it's like look at this screenshot absolutely this feels exciting to like have such a yes Yes, the thrill the sixth thrill in her voice like if she was somber

Starting point is 01:34:31 I might think about it a little bit if she was like this is a tragedy I feel for these kids. I have an extra spare room that she could move it like right Are you gonna help her through this or are you just gonna drop the are you gonna be America? Are you gonna help her through this? Or are you just gonna drop the- are you gonna be America, destabilize the region and then leave? You know what I mean? Like, what are you really gonna fucking do? Saying she was never a bitch to us in high school doesn't warrant a mercenary snitching

Starting point is 01:34:54 here. No, dude. It's like, again, this is your close friend. If this is somebody you're gonna support through this, that's one thing. And it's also like, you don't even know what's going on. I mean, not say- you probably have a good good idea this guy does not sound like a good person But you also have no idea what the fuck's going on in this relationship. You have no idea what's going on in their home and the fact that you're just a

Starting point is 01:35:17 You're like a passerby that's trying to inject themselves into the fucking narrative here Well also like I read a lot of stuff about current affairs and psychology and teenage girls are committing suicide at a high rate, they're cutting, they're overweight. This guy is making this young teenage girl feel good. He's fucking her, he's offering her companionship. You know what I mean? A sophisticated older man. He's doing a community service here. You're so right. He's a mentor. He's probably keeping her off of meds and everything. Most teenage girls are struggling with self-esteem and this one's getting bald by a middle-aged guy. Going to TGI Friday's getting whatever she wants off the Jack Daniels menu. Yes. So I think he's first class and you don't want to break that up.

Starting point is 01:36:10 He's got two women. It's better than one. That is a good point though. It's like you don't even think about this like dumb little kid who's so, she's like falling under the spell of some middle manager because it's the first guy who's been like, hey, you wanna take a ride in my fucking, whatever Lincoln he has? Yeah, anyway, so don't do anything. You're being a busy body.

Starting point is 01:36:36 This is not a close friend of yours. This is just someone you're tangentially aware of. And unless you're willing to support support her through a divorce don't fucking yeah don't don't inject yourself into this go volunteer somewhere yeah you're the pot that way yeah right right right right right there's probably other people with shittier situations they could use some help other than you yeah what you're doing with that you're you're trying to excuse being a gossip through like being an altruistic person.

Starting point is 01:37:09 Where it's like, and in fact, you know what? If you volunteer at Soup Kitchen for 40 hours, you can do this. Like we can trade off, we can trade off. If you do enough good, you can do a little harm. My guess is you'll never buy that much. We think I'll just one more to see us off here. Beautiful.

Starting point is 01:37:31 We don't want to take up too much of Joseph's time. I got to get back at Sarah's time. Really? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Joe's like, keep it going. We can do three hours.

Starting point is 01:37:43 Star rose. It's me, Scott. Oh, Scott. Love the podcast. Love you. Love Elvis. Thanks. Chemistry is beautiful because I have a very similar best friend situation. Anyways, simple question. So over the years, I've used to celebrate Christmas and the holidays,

Starting point is 01:38:12 everything like everybody else. We buy presents, we open them on Christmas day, blah, blah, blah. Now I'm pretty anti-present. I don't want presents. I don't wanna give people presents. You know, let's just let the days pass by. Okay.

Starting point is 01:38:27 Days pass by. I understand it's a dickens move. Sounds depressed. So, what do you recommend I do? Should I just get, you know, presents for my parents, presents for my brothers? Should I just not get any presents at all? What?

Starting point is 01:38:43 I'm not expecting presents as well. Even though I'm probably going to get some. Anyways. This is so funny. Yeah, just let me know. What? Can I just say, you have to have this discussion with the people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:38:58 You can't just like take a stab at it and be like, no presents. I've decided no presents. And then you show them everyone's getting presents. Like you have a conversation with them and you say hey Money's a little tight right whatever it is. You can't just do your own thing Can we do secretly this is why people do secret Santa so instead of? 20 presents right was responsible for one present or a Yankee swap. Yeah, or a Yankee swap whatever it's called elephant like yeah Yeah, blue white elephant

Starting point is 01:39:24 so yeah, I get it. We even said, I even said it's weird to buy presents for adults. For kids it's fun. I totally get, if there's kids in your life, whatever. But it's like, I still get presents for my family. It's a little, sure it can be a bit of a, if you're busy and money's tight, whatever, it can be a little... sure, it can be a bit of a... if you're busy and money's tight, whatever, it can be a little annoying, but fundamentally it's nice to do and you have to have this conversation with the people.

Starting point is 01:39:52 More than anything though, if I am alarmed, this guy sounds like he wants to fucking... Yeah. It's like, I had a best... like he even started like wistfully recounting that he has a best friend like, is that relationship okay? And why are you anti-present? Why don't you want presents? Are you just depressed buddy because? Honestly Christmas is commercialized and whatever as it's become Still nice to see a family member open up a present. They like yeah a little moment of magic is still nice I mean again, it's compounded when it's like a little kid. That's really fucking cute, but it's like

Starting point is 01:40:30 Kick your parents something doesn't have to be big I mean, it's we're literally describing the basic tenets of jo holiday joy to him But it's like the phrase is the thought that counts is true like spend some time thinking about the people you love you love And people in your life. They're important to you Just coming up with something that's good for them. It'll you'll be thinking about them You won't be thinking about you know how everything how all the gambling losses you've accrued that you're probably depressed about or whatever The wife your wife leaving you whatever is going on to make you suddenly anti-president It just sounds like your own Grinch mode right now, dude

Starting point is 01:41:09 And you need to be the Grinch at the end of the fucking movie not the Grinch at the beginning of the movie So buy a couple fucking presents man, and then next year have the discussion like Joe said hey Can we do a Secret Santa can we do a you know swap game? Whatever can we just do something so that we're not all buying a hundred presents? But... All you've said is your parents and your brother. That's like... Three people. Yeah, three to five people. You can't handle three to five forty dollar gifts. I mean...

Starting point is 01:41:38 I feel his pain a little. I mean, I get like so bogged down when I think of presents. It's like, you know, two weeks, one week before Christmas. You're like, oh, one week before Christmas, you're like, oh, what do I get them? What do I get them? And it's okay, don't be so hard on yourself either. Like Sal said, get something small. And some years you might just be really into it

Starting point is 01:41:56 and might be on a roll with getting presents for people. And other times, you're not getting really anything. And it just isn't a big deal. It's not a big deal, man But it's way weirder to just have this to come to Christmas with an on unannounced Anti-president philosophy where it's like literally get them a shitty present and they'll be like, oh, okay, right? It's fine as opposed to like I'm not doing this anymore. I'm anti-presence. I don't want your stinking presence here

Starting point is 01:42:29 You know what? I'm getting you whatever you gave me here. It's yours now mom. Here's a trimmer for your balls. I Don't want it. Well, yeah, and I think give your family and friends the gift of your own mental wellness. Like you gotta go to therapy. Again, there's no mention of monetary struggle. He's just like, I know this is dickish, but I'm not into presents right now. Yeah, you're acting out. You're sad. Yeah, you're sad. You're upset. There's like a toddler being like, I don't like Christmas. I don't want to go get I don't want to have cookies for quit. No, I don't want to see grandma.

Starting point is 01:43:10 Like that's what you're doing right now. So it's like, whatever you're acting out about whatever is causing you to turn dickish on Christmas. Figure that out, brother. That's way more important than like a candle to your mother. Like you being mentally well is so much more important. So, you know, really fun one to go out on, Eldis. Like, I said, can we get a- Just a sad sack, an empty sack. Well, I guess with that, we'll send you all off for Christmas. Another bang up producing job for Bael Desula.

Starting point is 01:43:46 Spreading some holiday cheer. I love it. I think it was good. Merry Christmas. Today's Eddie Vedder's birthday. 60 years old. How about that? Wow, that's awesome.

Starting point is 01:43:57 Happy 60th to my dear friend. I didn't know he was born on December 23rd. Yep, sure is. December 23rd, 1964. We love you, Eddie. We love you, Eddie. Shout out. Supposed to be meeting him at some point. Oh really?

Starting point is 01:44:12 Yeah, Bargatse is friends with him. Friendly with him, of course. Wow. Yeah. And did I ever tell you that story? I flew all the way to Seattle, because Nate was like, there was like four days before Marty was born. Hilarious. My wife is like nine and a half months pregnant, and he's like, Eddie Vander is coming if you want to come meet him. And I was like go do this do this for yourself. She's like, you know wheelchair Yeah, and she's like do it. I was like I flew all out there and I was like, here we go Eddie better baby and then

Starting point is 01:44:35 The the guy was he just was sick Every time I see the tour manager. He's like he's got we talked to Eddie's people. They're gonna make it up They know what a tremendous fan you are so awesome that someday me and Eddie will say hello and he'll be like who's that? He'll be like oh hey man yeah yeah leave yeah and I'll be like we celebrate your 60th on Stav Show after some guy wrote his suicide note. He's like maybe I'll just give away my belongings to my friends and family. I don't need them. You know, suddenly I've become much more chipper the last couple days after making a certain

Starting point is 01:45:14 decision. Well, Merry Christmas to you, happy holidays, happy birthday to Eddie Vedder, and we'll see you guys next time. Bye bye!

Stavvy's World - #108 - Joe List

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